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Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
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***A NEW YORK TIMES BESTELLER***
An essential exploration of why and how women's sexuality works-based on groundbreaking research and brain science-that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy.
Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a "pink pill" for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never exist-but as a result of the research that's gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women's sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all.
The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others' experiences. Because women vary, and that's normal.
Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman's arousal, desire, and orgasm.
Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman's sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible.
And Emily Nagoski can prove it.
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This is, without a doubt, the best nonfiction book I've ever read. This should be required reading in schools. Society would surely benefit. Please, please, please read this.
Everybody should read this book! So insightful about relationships, identity, stress and gender issues... Plus a completely different and more beautiful way of understanding sex and love. Highly recommended!
I would've appreciated it if the author talked more about female sexual disfunction, and the importance of acknowledging it, instead of trying to tell me to accept my vaginismus and intimacy issues-riddled body as it is. Other than that, it was a decently educational book that a lot of women should know about.
This is a bit more of a personal review for me, so skip this if you're not interested - I picked up this book after my therapist recommended it. Sexuality and understanding my body are something I've recently come to realize I've always struggled with. This book is full of science and has really given me understanding about the way I work and helped me see some of the reasons as to why I feel the way I do currently. It's a lot to take in and a book I'd recommend that you be prepared to highlight and annotate (yes, really!) - my own copy is tabbed and highlighted so that I can revisit some especially pertinent sections and better absorb them. Each section has some activities you can complete right in the book as well. If you're struggling to understand your sex drive, whether it be high or low, I think you'll find this book useful. In fact, you'll learn that sex isn't even a drive! I'm not one of those people to ever feel like a book is life-changing, but this one comes pretty close. I don't read much in the way of self-help, but this book was so helpful that it makes me wonder what else is out there. Nagoski explains the science she's studied in a very relatable way. I would especially recommend this if you've ever felt "broken" when it comes to desire, drive, etc. It was incredibly important to me to be able to understand not only the way I feel, but that the way I feel isn't broken or wrong. It's normal and understandable.I'm not yet sure how I'll apply all I've learned, but I'm so glad I read this book.
A very excellent book. I thought I knew just about everything that popular culture got wrong about sex, it turns out my knowledge was pretty much limited to the facts. Emaily Nagoski's book was not only super easy to read, it also helped me to figure out what was holding back my own sex drive and how to better think about sexuality in general.
First, I liked this book a lot. It's high quality, full of important information, and very well read. However, until track 75 you could get away with reading one in five sentences while after that track it's more like one in three. Same goes for chapters: one in three. Also despite her claims about science, this is at most sociology and good sense. The only really important sciencey piece is about sexual non concordance. Still, hiugh quality stuff on this subject is hard to come by so it might be worth reading, or at least skimming.
This *almost* gets 4 stars, but not quite, I knew most of the information in here, and I felt like she talked down to the reader somewhat. However, this is really excellent in many ways, and if you *don't* know these things, this would be an easy read to get you there. So I would recommend it.
This is a wonderful book - that I wish had been around when I was a young man. This is a science grounded and practical account of female sexuality that all men should inform all men as well. If I had read this as a younger man - my relationships and my masculinity would have all been enriched.
This book is fantastic, and way out in front of its peer group (Bonk, I Love Female Orgasm, etc.). Nagoski is an astute observer, a compelling storyteller and a brilliant, curious thinker about female sexuality. I wish this book had been published 10 years ago :)
This was an excellent read, full of interesting advice on how to deal with sex and sexuality issues and should be encouraged reading for all teens and most adults as part of a pre-marriage course. Her mantra was that everyone is an individual and that your mileage may vary. Important things to realise when the world presents everybody as one type.I found it very good food for thought.
Accessible and informative discussion of female sexuality, what the science says about how it works, how it differs from male sexuality, how the brain and the emotions are involved, and what to do if things aren't working as you might like. Fascinating, fascinating science here, and absolutely worth a read whether or not you think your sex life needs transforming (I think some of the cover copy sells the book short, actually; it reads a bit like this is a self-help book, and while it has those aspects, it's also great lay science about sexuality and the way emotions function in human beings). Some of the presentation is a little touchy-feely for me, but the book is highly readable, and the sex-positive, body-positive, woman-positive message is awesome. Recommended. See if you can find an interview online with Nagoski for a taste of what the book's like. She's great in person, and catching a snippet of one was what lead me to pick up the book.
The good: the book is inclusive; the author makes clear that she’s writing for cis women but is aware of the variety among women. Everyone is normal, she insists, and tries to convince the reader that no one is broken or unhealthy unless they’re actually experiencing pain. The concepts are clearly stated, even repeated a bunch of times, which is probably useful when you’re dealing with painful topics. Nagoski has a slightly different take on recent sexuality research than other popular works; she contends that when studies show that women are “aroused” by images of all sorts of sexual activity regardless of their sexual orientation, even images of bonobos mating, other commentary has mistaken a physical response for arousal. That response, she says, represents awareness of sexual relevance, but true arousal is in the head. She calls this nonconcordant desire, where the body and the mind aren’t quite in sync, at least in the male-oriented model of sexuality that predominates. Simply stated, not getting wet doesn’t mean you’re not aroused, and getting wet doesn’t mean you want sex, just that your body has noticed a sexually relevant situation. Some men and many women experience nonconcordant desire.Nagoski structures her advice around the idea of a sexual accelerator and brakes. The accelerator leads to desire for sex and the brakes lead to non-desire or even revulsion. Stepping hard on the accelerator won’t help unless you’ve let up on the brakes. Thus, she suggests that people identify where their perceived problems come from—is it stress and other barriers braking a level of desire, or is it that it’s hard to get started? Relatedly, she argues that having responsive desire is normal: if you only want or enjoy sex after it’s been initiated, and don’t “naturally” desire it yourself, that’s fine.The meh: the language is colloquial, extremely so. You have to be comfortable with reading about your “feels,” not your feelings.The not so good: despite the broad, accepting language, the advice all assumes that the reader has previously had satisfying sex with a partner and is trying to get back to that. Thus, the exercises center around figuring out what worked before and what elements need to be restored.
This should be required reading for every woman, whether she is happy with her sexual well-being or not, whether she is in a sexual relationship or not. It is full of really fascinating information about how female bodies work. It is also full of good information about mental health in general. Nagoski makes it clear that most of what society has told us about sex and how our bodies work is wrong, and she does an amazing job of convincing readers that they are healthy and amazing.