The Complete Dream Book of Love and Relationships: Discover What Your Dreams and Intuition Reveal about You and Your Love Life

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Introduction

HOW DREAMS AND INTUITION CAN HELP YOU DISCOVER AND DEEPEN LOVE

It is difficult knowing who is right for you and who is wasting your time, who is trustworthy and who is unstable, unscrupulous, or even dangerous. We try to apply logic to the situation, and that helps. But most of us in the dating world find that we are perfectly capable of making terrible mistakes and of caring quite deeply about someone who has few redeeming features or who just isn't a good fit for us.

Friends can tell you what they believe about the situation and what they find is true for them; a therapist can tell you guidelines about relationships in general. Family members can tell you what they hope you will find in life.

What you need, though, is someone who knows your secrets, your emotional nature, your history of sabotage, your fear of intimacy, and your fear of winding up alone. You need someone who is absolutely and unreservedly on your side, who agrees that a solid, loving relationship is worth the quest.

In the pursuit of finding and nourishing love, you should take advantage of all the advocates, advisers, and supporters you can find, but the one resource you absolutely must take advantage of is your deeper mind. This part of your psyche takes in volumes of information, even subtle or subliminal clues; it recognizes patterns sometimes in an instant; and it knows and understands your personality without judgment and the ways your quirks and your strengths impact your style of relating and your approach to love.

The bottom line is that the deeper mind is one of your most accurate and potent advisers, and it tends to speak to you through your dreams and your intuition.

HOW DREAMS WORK

From the 1950s through the 1970s, a psychiatrist named Montague Ullman rocked the comfort zone of his colleagues by starting a worldwide movement that significantly changed the way people view their dreams. Known today as peer dreamwork, Ullman's technique is used to explore the feelings and potential meaning of a dream. Before the movement, dreams were considered diagnostic tools that therapists used to reveal what types of problems their patients might have. Ullman believed that, though dreams may be useful in that regard, they are far more than diagnostic tools.

In a nutshell, here are his three main concepts that opened the door to the modern exploration of how dreams work:

Dreams focus on the present in an attempt to make sense of current challenges, to preserve well-being, and to process information and stimulation. Dreams are simply the product of your mind constantly sorting through information and stimulation, and often presenting a distilled version of events in story form. Even when the past is woven into our dreams, it is because the deeper mind is trying to make sense of questions and goals we face in the present.

Dreams belong to the dreamer. Anyone who remembers and thoughtfully considers the meaning of a dream may perceive its implications and benefit from it. There is nothing inherently clinical or dangerous about attempting to discover the meaning in a dream.

Exploring dreams with friends or in a peer dream group can be an enriching process in which mutual support and exploration can benefit the entire group. Ullman encouraged people to form groups to share and discuss their dreams in a thoughtful, respectful style, so that individuals could explore their dreams among friends and peers, draw conclusions, and consider the implications for themselves.

Dream Vigilance: Your Threat Assessment

Ullman is also famous for a theory he called dream vigilance. He noticed that as many as three-quarters of the dreams people reported to him were unsettling or downright troubling. Yet the dreamers who were telling these dreams were not unstable and were not really in any objective trouble. He realized that the dreaming process tends to focus on threats to our happiness long before anything bad actually happens. A part of the mind is like a watchful sentinel in a tower, looking into the distance to see whether any enemies or threats appear on the horizon. When Ullman tracked the events associated with these dreams, he also found that the dreams exaggerated the potential for threat, amplified it, and put it into story form. If a dream predicted trouble, it was sometimes because change was happening and there was a potential for a problem—it was not that the trouble would necessarily come to pass.

Ullman's theory of dream vigilance has gone a long way to help us understand that dreams often have an edgy quality, even when things are going pretty well in our waking lives. This helps explain why our dreams can contain hypothetical scenarios in the future, often asking What if…? and playing out possibilities. Our dreams often recognize potential threats long before we do on a conscious level.

Romantic Dream Vigilance: Your Love Assessment

Your deeper mind not only is constantly scanning for threats but also is constantly searching for intensity or change of any kind. Your psyche registers the potential for happiness in your current situation and gauges the degree to which any individual you know might fit you as a romantic partner. The dreaming mind seems to have a bias toward relationships and community—toward being wholesomely connected with others and being fulfilled in love. Even when romance is not consciously on your mind, it remains a priority in your deeper mind. As a result, you will find yourself dreaming about it. Just as a part of your mind is always looking out for trouble, acting as an early warning system, a part of your mind is always scanning for romance and the potential for fulfilling partnership, acting as a kind of internal matchmaker.

A NOTE OF CAUTION

The dreaming mind is highly symbolic, and we should not take most of the elements in our dreams literally. Dreams tend to depict our life experiences in physical terms: something happens to our body, we are hurt, we bleed, we cough up food, we are pregnant, we try to find a toilet, or we discover a growth or parasite. People who remember dreams frequently are all too familiar with their graphic nature.

People who are less familiar with dreams may be shocked by the sometimes grisly or frightening images in some of the dreams discussed in this book. Perhaps because our interest in relationships is so central to our emotions and sense of fulfillment, dreams that tackle the issues associated with relationships and love are often shocking and even disturbing. When you see how the meaning of these dreams unfolds and offers help, I hope you will learn to appreciate the gift of this symbolic language. Startling dreams are normal, not unusual, so do not be alarmed or dismayed by some of the vivid dreams you will read.

THE RESEARCH FOR THIS BOOK

My own work with dreams began in the late 1980s, when I was working toward my doctorate in psychology. I began attending peer dream groups and discovered firsthand the excitement of sharing dreams and discovering individual insights that could benefit the entire group. In the 1990s, I began collecting dreams and the background stories of the individuals who shared them—the type of work they did; whether they felt stress; their age, gender, and spiritual orientation; and most important, what they felt was the meaning of their dreams. This collection of dreams and dreamer profiles has grown to more than thirty thousand, and the detailed profiles have enabled me to see how certain situations in life are associated with particular dream themes and imagery.

Dreams tend to have unique elements that are private and special to each dreamer. It is not possible to say unequivocally that a particular image always and only means one specific thing. Instead, for people to fully explore their associations to images and the feelings of their dreams, it is ideal for them to get together with others who are interested in dreams and share them in an unrushed and respectful fashion. With that said, however, we can take advantage of the research on modern symbolism and dream themes, and we can begin individual explorations of a dream by considering what similar dreams have suggested to others who observed the same theme or imagery.

For the past fifteen years, I have taught university courses on the psychology of intuition—the study of how we detect information, process it rapidly, and come up with answers that sometimes seem like magic. There are some theories that intuition is associated with our biological heritage, a kind of evolved survival instinct that can save our lives and help us make uncannily good decisions. There also seem to be styles of intuition, like personality traits, that enable some people to be lucky at love or shrewd in business. I've come to believe that everyone has intuition, which can be strengthened and amplified to our immense advantage when we routinely pay attention to it. If you love someone, your intuitive antenna is tuned to his station; you cannot help but pick up on his thoughts, his moods, and sometimes even his experiences.

When you are in danger or when you face an important crossroad in your life, your dreams open up a window to your intuitive nature. If you take advantage of this access that nature has made available, you will have a better chance of getting at the truth of a situation and of making the right decision.

There is no great trick to getting in sync with your intuitive nature. You just have to make it a practice to check in with your intuition and then get out of your own way. In this book, I will share with you the most effective suggestions I've found over the years for maximizing your intuition to gain clarity, to understand relationships, and to find love.

Follow the Instincts of the Happy Hearts

In my research about dreams that have come true and about intuitive flashes that have changed lives, an experience that comes up often is that of people finding and recognizing the person who was to be their mate. Those who have found the love of their life fascinate me. Like making a fortune, becoming famous, or winning an Olympic gold medal, these people beat the odds and live happily ever after. Although there does seem to be an element of serendipity involved in the stories of happy couples, there are some surprising common factors as well. People who find fulfilling partnerships and have happy marriages tend to behave in a certain way, to make certain types of decisions, and to have a certain perspective. They used not only common sense but also their gut instinct in choosing their partners, and they often had deliberately prepared for love in advance of meeting their partner. We'll look at the experiences of these couples throughout the book.

HOW THIS BOOK WORKS

You'll discover that it is human nature to be able to understand your dreams, to hear the voice of your intuition, and to make decisions that will help your relationships blossom and thrive, and this book will show you how to do all of that.

In chapter 1, we will look at a quality called brilliant sanity, a spontaneous flash of emotional intelligence and intuition that is talked about in Buddhist philosophy and in many works of psychology. You'll learn about your brilliant sanity, which bubbles up naturally, and how to make the most of it.

In chapter 2, you will learn about your romantic style and any tendencies you may have in relationships. We will review the types of dreams that each personality type is likely to have and the ways that your intuitive style can strengthen your awareness. Although you may have a mixture of the styles discussed here, you will learn how to avoid common pitfalls and feel more confident in your decisions about relationships.

In chapter 3, we will look at common beliefs and misconceptions about love that can cause us to miss love that is right in front of us. We'll talk about how your dreams make these misconceptions clear and how awareness of myths can free you to experience a more satisfying relationship.

Chapter 4 explores patterns in romantic relationships and ways your dreams and your gut instinct can highlight repeating patterns so that you are free to find and create the type of relationship you truly want.

Chapter 5 explores must-haves and deal breakers, the priorities and undesirable qualities that your dreams can make clearer.

In chapter 6 we'll explore dreams of the future and the possibility that your dreaming mind can give you hints of what's to come.

Chapter 7 reveals signs of love. We will look at what really happens when people meet the love of their life; the dreams, intuitions, and impressions that people report when they find real love; and the ways your intuition and your body can help you know what is true for you.

In chapter 8, we'll look at intuitive warning signs and warning dreams associated with problem relationships, poor choices, and threats on the horizon.

In chapter 9, you will read about common relationship dreams and what they can tell you about your personality and about the person you are seeing. This chapter also explores some of the most common symbols in relationship dreams and what they say about your real-life romance.

In chapter 10, you will learn how to program your dreams, setting the stage to find answers in your dreams and to better understand a relationship. We'll also explore the intuitive wisdom of the heart and the sensations of your body, maybe some of your best tools for knowing when someone is being truthful, when you have good rapport, and when a relationship has promise for the future.

**Some of the dreams and stories in the chapters that follow have been compressed and paraphrased for reasons of clarity. To protect privacy, some names and identifying characteristics of individuals have been changed.

Chapter 1

BRILLIANT SANITY, DREAMS, AND INTUITION

Your Ultimate Relationship Coach

Within you is a core of wisdom that Buddhist teachers call brilliant sanity. It is an intelligence that turns toward the truth the way a plant turns toward the sun: instinctively. This wisdom can operate with insufficient facts, accurately assessing the future and maintaining your sense of clarity even as you contend with situations fraught with emotion or desire. This wisdom tends not only to perceive reality clearly but also to view yourself and others with kindness and compassion. This doesn't mean you operate like a psychic sponge, taking on the problems of others out of concern—you can maintain strong, healthy boundaries and still have compassion for others. What it does mean is that your core of brilliant sanity tends to be kind, and part of that kindness is a loving understanding of yourself, of what you need, and of what your unique nature requires in order to feel fulfilled in a loving relationship.

You have already encountered this trait in yourself. Think about it: Do you sometimes sense who is calling when the phone rings, or know just where to look for a lost item even though someone else misplaced it? Can you sometimes find parking places by almost feeling their location? You may know just the right thing to say to people, to help them relax or start to open up. You may know what is really going on with others, in a way that they miss, when they experience a misunderstanding or a lack of communication. The best tool you have for navigating the landscape of love, for keeping yourself safe, for finding and nourishing the relationships you need, is this vital instinct, this deep intelligence that appears with flashes of brilliance: brilliant sanity.

Intuitive signals and dreams are two ways that your deeper core of wisdom communicates and expresses itself. There is nothing spooky about this; it is a natural part of your intelligence reflecting aspects of your experience that may not yet be at the forefront of your awareness. In some cases, dreams and intuition appear to be almost magic because, through them, we become aware of information or insights that have been obscured or hidden. At any given time, you know more than you can be aware of consciously, and your flashes of insight and your dreams demonstrate this deeper knowing; they not only reflect what is going on in your life but also highlight what is most important to understand in your relationships.

If you are like many of the women in my classes, you are frustrated because you have excellent instincts about other people's relationships, and feel a little blind or confused about your own. Why is it that we can be so brilliant and intuitive about some parts of life, yet feel bewildered and cut off from our own wisdom in other parts of life?

THE THREE BLINDERS: IMPORTANCE, DESIRE, AND FEAR

When a situation is extremely important to us, we have a tendency to go blank on our instincts and to overthink the situation.

When there is a powerful emotional component, and when there is something in the situation that we fear as well as something we desire, these things can clog our ability to hear our inner wisdom or understand our gut instincts. That is why when you are talking with friends about their situations you may have excellent instincts and a feeling that you know what is going on and how it will play out. But when you are trying to get a sense of clarity with a romance of your own, you may be inadvertently blocking your core knowing because of fear, desire, and a personal investment in the outcome.

When we deal with romance, sometimes wishful thinking, small resentments, desperation and loneliness, or even a false feeling of worthlessness easily confuse us. This may ignite an urge to try to fool someone into loving us, or cause us to feel like an imposter. Both men and women feel the stakes are high, our feelings are hooked, and it is easy to feel we must captivate and conceal our flaws in order to be loved. Of course, these thoughts are illusions, but when we deal with fear and desire, we tend to drift away from that core of brilliant sanity and forget not only what we really want but also who we really are. When we abandon the core self, for whatever reason, we also detach from our intuition and our truth-detector.

If you have been hurt by love (and who hasn't?), you may search for a partner, but all the while be tracing your scars and probing old wounds. When you meet new people, the matchmaker in your heart may feel a flutter of hope while the district attorney in your mind is ready to indict them for crimes they could never have committed. I know people who strap on their bitterness when they go out to meet someone new, like a western gunslinger buckling his gun belt, and then wait, hand poised over their weapon, for a person to make one false move so they can gun him down. It is understandable that even the most resilient among us is wary and bruised, and that in the search for companionship we alternate between romantic fantasies and flinty-eyed cynicism.

Despite these tendencies to approach the topic of love with divided concerns, your instinct for happiness is still intact, and your ability to know what is real and to do the right thing for yourself is alive and well. The brilliance at your core is always speaking to you through your dreams and your subtle intuitions. If you slow down and listen, you will often find that you already know what is true about a situation and that you already know how you really feel about someone.

FLASHES OF KNOWING

Rachel met a man at a party and instantly identified him as the person who had been stalking her with obscene phone calls. She had shaken his hand because he was a friend of a friend, and in a second, it flashed through her mind that he was the one. Another woman, Rebecca, saw the shoulder of a man she did not know at a party and knew in a second that this was the man she would marry. These flashes of knowing arise from our intuition; our brilliant sanity recognizes them as things that are crucial for us to know.

Everyone has this capacity, and one of the best ways to have it function well in our lives is to discuss it and pay attention to it. Flashes of knowing also are the part of you that lets you know when you need to slow down, take a breath, and get back to your center if you have been racing at high speed for too long. In relationships, this coming back to your center is critical for understanding another person and for making decisions with confidence.

Research into intuition suggests that our first impressions are quite often accurate, yet many of