Anger Is a Choice

INTRODUCTION

Are you an angry person? Then join the club! So are we. We both have struggled with anger in the past. You mean you don’t struggle with it now? you ask.

We would like to be able to answer that by saying we no longer have to face our anger. We would like to tell you that we have found the golden key that eliminates hostility. And that if you will follow certain techniques, you will no longer have to deal with anger. But if we did this, we would be lying—or at the least, be very misleading.

No, we are human like you. That’s not an excuse; that is a fact. The fact that we are human is what makes dealing with the emotion of anger so difficult. You notice, we said dealing with anger, not eliminating anger.

We believe that all our emotions have been given to us by God. It is easy for us to accept emotions such as joy, peace, tender-ness, and confidence as being God-given. It is harder to believe that God has given us the emotions of fear or anger. But He has.

You may not realize it, but fear, anger, and depression are among your best friends. You’re crazy! you reply. You guys have been in the counseling room too long. True, we have done a lot of counseling, but we don’t think we are crazy.

Let’s try to explain it this way. Imagine that we go to our friends’ new house for a visit. They are giving us a tour, and we come to the kitchen. As we look around at the beautiful new kitchen, we notice there apparently is no stove. The only thing we see that might be a stove is two white porcelain rectangles on the counter—it turns out to be one of those new stoves with the burners under the glass.

We have never seen a stove like this. We do not realize that the burners have been on, because the top of the stove looks clean and white. We walk over, say, What’s this? and place the palm of a hand on the surface of the glass. What is the first thing we feel? Stupid, you say. Well, that’s probably true, but more likely we feel the pain of a hand burning.

Now let us ask, Is the pain we first feel a friend or an enemy? At first it is a friend. It tells us to remove the hand from the hot burner. If, however, we leave the hand on the burner, our pain becomes our first-, second-, and third-degree enemy.

Our emotions are similar to the physical pain we sometimes experience. The painful emotions of fear, anger, and depression are our friends—at first. They can become our first-, second-, and third-degree emotional enemies if we don’t listen to them.

When we feel physical pain, we have a choice. We can choose to let the hand burn, or we can choose to remove the hand from the danger. The same is true of our emotions. We have a choice. We can choose to ignore them and experience great emotional pain, or we can choose to listen to them and experience health and healing.

This book is about listening to the emotion of anger. It is not a book that tells you to ignore your anger or that says your anger can be eliminated. It is a book that will, hopefully and prayerfully, help you to…

understand what anger is.

understand where anger comes from.

know how to recognize anger in its many disguises.

learn how to make choices of what to do with your anger.

gain insight in how to help others learn to deal with their anger.

We realize that the study of the complex emotion of anger is not an easy matter. We’ve attempted the difficult task of wedding simplicity with professionalism. If we’ve leaned in any direction, it is toward simplicity. Our purpose is to help as many as possible with this most important emotion.

This book is designed with several goals in mind:

To help you as an individual make choices about your anger

To be used as a study guide for Bible classes, home study, or small group study

To be a resource manual for pastors, counselors, and teachers

It is our prayer that God will use this book to help all of us face, understand, and make positive, godly choices about what to do with anger.

TIM LAHAYE AND BOB PHILLIPS

NOTE OF CLARIFICATION ABOUT WRITING STYLE

Writing is like wrestling alligators…it’s an exciting and difficult task. Gene Fowler suggests that writing is easy: All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. Red Smith joins in by stating, There’s nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. When it comes to two people authoring a book, Evelyn Waugh makes the humorous observation, Two or more people getting together to write something is like three people getting together to make a baby.

The writing of Anger Is a Choice was a joint effort by two friends, both of whom have been ministers, counselors, and authors of many books. We could have chosen to approach the book in a number of different ways: We could have chosen to write it in the third person, thus keeping our personalities out of the material and the illustrations general. We could have chosen to split up the content, with Tim writing certain chapters and Bob writing other chapters. We could have chosen to write most of the material in the third person and occasionally identify certain portions by stating, This is Tim speaking, or This is Bob speaking.

For the most part, we decided to write the illustrations in the first person and much of the text in third person. We chose this method because the illustrations actually happened to either Tim or Bob. By changing the names of the people in the illustrations and not identifying who was speaking, we have kept the power of the event while protecting the confidentiality of the individuals and the counselors. We felt that a first-person account of a real-life event would be a more powerful form of presentation. It was our hope that this style of writing would keep the flow of thought running smoothly and that the reader would sense the reality of true-life events. If you as the reader would be more comfortable seeing either Tim or Bob as the author alone, men proceed with that concept in mind. We both are in agreement with the thoughts presented and would speak with a unified mind.

We hope this book will be a benefit to you. We encourage you to share these concepts with your family and friends.

1

ANGER-EVERYONE’S PROBLEM

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" said Amber to her husband, Evan.

Why don’t you just shut your mouth? All you ever do is moan and groan. You make me sick! was Evan’s quick retort.

Evan and Amber had come into my office for some marital counseling. Like countless other couples, they were expressing the anger and hostility that lay deep within them. Henry Brandt, one of the world’s most respected biblical counselors, has suggested that anger is involved in 80–90 percent of all counseling. I would have to agree.

Marital conflict abounds in our society. Divorce is on the rise and is a source of anger for many. Countless arguments revolve around visitation rights of parents. Some parents have become so angry that they have even kidnapped their own children so their spouse cannot have any contact. One of the biggest problems in second marriages is children from the first marriage. Arguments frequently flare up over discipline and child-rearing techniques.

Alimony also creates anger. I read in the newspaper about a man who paid his alimony payments in nickels. Another man, a cement truck driver, was so mad at his former wife that he got even with her in a unique manner. Rolling down her car window, he filled the car with cement while it was parked in front of her house.

One study indicated that 80 percent of couples who verbally abuse each other ended up in physical combat. Every year, two million women are beaten by their husbands. Approximately 40 percent of all women murdered were killed by their husbands. As an interesting side note, one study of male batterers indicated that the men were not out of control. Their heart rates even decreased during the times when they were emotionally upset. The study seemed to indicate that the men got violent on purpose in order to produce fear and to control their wives.

A minister asked that I counsel his wife for an unrepentant affair she was having. Expecting to see a siren walk into my office, I was surprised to find a gracious, soft-spoken woman of forty-five who told this story through her tears: Her husband was a dynamic minister, very successful in his church and admired by everyone. But he had one sin she could not excuse. He was an angry, hostile man whom she considered overly strict and physically abusive of our three children. He cannot control his anger and has on one occasion beaten our oldest son unconscious. When the boy turned nineteen, he ran away and joined a gang. Brokenhearted, she said, From that day on I lost all feeling for my husband.

An extreme situation like this never occurs suddenly. It had been building up for years, primarily related to major disagreements over disciplining the children. She had learned to live with his other angry explosions, but she could not endure his manhandling of the children. Too fearful to voice her real feelings, she witnessed her husband’s angry frustrations worked out on the heads, faces, and backsides of their children. Although she only interrupted on extreme occasions, she acknowledged dying a little each time he abused them. As it turned out, her affair was not a real love problem but a retaliation intended to spite her husband.

When the minister came in, he was obviously desperate. I was never sure if he sought help because he really loved his wife, or if he was just trying to save his ministry. When confronted with his hostilities, he retorted, If a man can’t let down and be himself at home, where can he? I was silent for a long time. As he sat there thinking, he finally admitted, That sounds pretty carnal, doesn’t it? Before leaving, he came to realize that his anger was as bad as or worse than her adultery. Although this man was able to salvage his marriage, as far as I know he has never regained his son. In all probability, more sons and daughters have been alienated from their fathers because of Dad’s anger than anything else. And the tragic part of it is that the son will probably treat his son the same way. Angry fathers tend to produce angry children.

Therefore it’s not surprising that anger and hostility are not limited to husbands and wives. I have counseled young people who wished their parents were dead. Part of their anger stems from the abuse they have received at the hands of their parents. Approximately one million children a year suffer from some form of child abuse. This abuse can take the form of emotional abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse. More than five children a day die at the hands of their parents or caregivers.

I remember counseling one young mother of two who tearfully confessed to feelings of such anger at her infant when he screamed that she sometimes entertained thoughts of choking him. She then added, I’m so afraid I’ll do something harmful to my baby. Upon further questioning, I discovered that she had been rejected by her father and was clinging to bitter thoughts about that rejection. Her rancorous attitude was eating her up, in spite of the fact that her father had been dead for five years.

In recent years, there has been an increase in elder abuse, often instigated by children toward their parents or by staff workers in nursing care homes. Some people have taken to hiding television cameras in their parents’ homes or nursing centers to catch elder abusers in action. These abusers can be seen slapping, punching, and shoving the helpless elderly individuals.

Verbal abuse and fighting take place in many homes and at extended family gatherings. The two primary times for family arguments to occur are a half hour before everyone leaves in the morning and a half hour before dinner in the evening. In the morning the pressure of leaving on time is a major factor. In the evening, everyone is tired, hungry, and irritable. A general surliness tends to fill the home.

Many arguments between husbands and wives occur later in the evening just before going to bed. As a general rule of thumb, discussions that begin after 9:00 P.M. have a strong tendency to go downhill. Both parties are tired, and they begin to think of the pressures of the next day. Past experience has taught them that the issue will most likely not be resolved before they go to sleep. Because of this, they may start to talk to each other with a negative attitude, which typically leads the discussion in a downward spiral.

Outside the home, anger can be seen in the workplace. Employees hate their bosses, and bosses dislike their employees. One study indicated that the display of anger in pressure situations is a major factor for business executives missing promotions, being fired from work, or being asked to retire early.

MR. NICE GUY

I remember a Reader’s Digest article many years ago explaining the tragic deaths of four employees, and the critical wounding of another. The assassin was a Mr. Nice Guy type, the kind of man who would make a pleasant neighbor. At forty-three years of age he seemingly went berserk and shot his fellow employees.

Investigation revealed that his bizarre behavior was not spontaneous. Eighteen months before the tragedy he was bypassed for promotion in favor of someone else. His wife acknowledged that from that day on he gradually became a different man. It is not difficult to imagine the mental chain reaction he experienced. As he nursed his grudge and indulged his bitterness, mulling over the injustice of the situation, he became emotionally distraught. He took his .38-caliber revolver to work and shot five people. One common thread of identity united the victims: They were all in a position to have participated in the matter of his promotion by his company.

Today this man is housed behind bars, estranged from the family he loves. Four people met an untimely death, and one may be crippled for life, all because of his hostility. It is from this incident that the phrase going postal has come into our vernacular.

There is no question that we live in a stress-filled society. Many are overwhelmed, overworked, overscheduled, and overspent. Our society demands bigger, better, and faster. We have instant frozen foods, fast-food restaurants, and quick-stop markets.

We now have a host of electronic devices that help to speed up our world. We have phones with caller identification and voice mail. Cell phones are carried by countless numbers of people. E-mail, the Internet, computers, portable printers, and fax machines add to the speed of information transfer. Palm-held computers organize our lives. All of these things can be extremely helpful on one hand and destructive on the other. Cell phones and pagers begin to act like tethers that keep us constantly attached to anyone who wants to contact us. There is no time for solitude or meditation. It then becomes easy to become hostile as a result of being obligated to everyone’s desire to interrupt our lives.

In our fast-paced world, no one enjoys waiting. Our business has become addictive. Patience is out, and impatience is in. No one likes to wait in a doctor’s office, in airports, or in traffic. No one likes to wait in line at the grocery store. Have you ever been in the express lane that has a sign indicating ten items or less? Have you found yourself counting the number of items the person in front of you has? Have you discovered yourself getting upset when they had eleven items?

ADVENTURES AT DISNEYLAND

No one likes to see people cutting in line—especially if it’s in front of you. I remember a cutting-in-line incident that occurred when I took our family to Disneyland. We were waiting in line to go into the Haunted Mansion. All the people-mover bars were in place for the large crowd.

We had been waiting in line for over an hour with many other families. We were in the last set of people-mover bars next to the mansion when the event happened. My family was engaged in conversation. I was lost in my own little world of looking down over the crowd and thinking about how much money Disneyland was making. (The mansion is on a slight hill so you can observe the customers.) There were about 450 people in line. They were backed up all the way to