English as a Second F*cking Language: How to Swear Effectively, Explained in Detail with Numerous Examples Taken From Everyday Life
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About this ebook
In the English language, swearing is essential to effective communication. In this hilarious and illuminating guide, you will learn just how to do it - no f*cking problem.
Whether you want to succeed in business, school, or social circles, a strong command of vocabulary is absolutely necessary. Just imagine a stranger to our shores, trying to comprehend the following conversation:
John: Mary, would you like to attend the opera this evening?
Mary: F*cking-A. should I wear my black dress?
John: Why the f*ck not?
Mary: F*cked if I know-Oh, f*ck! I just remembered. It got f*cked up in the wash.
John: Well, f*ck the opera. Let's stay home and f*ck.
Mary: Good f*cking idea.
English as a Second F*cking Language (ESF*L) is the perfect way for nonnative speakers to learn the basics of swearing. At the same time, it also offers native speakers a wide variety of twists and new refinements. Page after page, ESF*L provides a smorgasbord of swearing synonyms designed to boost your vocabulary-everything from the conventional d*mn and sh*t to a host of more inventive terms that would make any truck driver blush. And when you're finished reading, our Final F*cking Exam is the perfect test of your swearing skills. You'll be surprised by how much you've learned!
“Great f*cking book!” —Stephen King
Sterling Johnson
World-renowned for his innovative lectures and workshops, Professor Sterling Johnson has been teaching English as a second language for over twenty years. He now lives in Pacific Grove, California, where he enjoys a "nice f*cking day" as much as the next fellow.
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Reviews for English as a Second F*cking Language
3 ratings1 review
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I originally bought this book for my wife, but I read it and it was hysterical!
Book preview
English as a Second F*cking Language - Sterling Johnson
Introduction
I don’t know what the fuck to say.
from Henry Miller’s Opus Pistorum
Those who learn English as a second language from traditional textbooks are often at a loss when they hear a conversation such as the following:
Night at the Opera¹
Upon hearing such an exchange, the stranger to our shores can’t help but feel bewildered.
"What means this fuck?" he or she is likely to say.
The purpose of this book is to tell the newcomer just what this fuck does mean.
And what shit, piss, cunt, and asshole mean—along with a host of other terms that should be part of the vocabulary of any person who wishes to communicate effectively in the English tongue.
Our proven method is simple and to the point: We won’t deal with complex grammatical matters—such as irregular verbs. When someone tells you: I butt-fucked a goat,
it should be obvious that such an action is irregular. Just ignore it.
There are books that will teach you to avoid using swear words.
They’ll even teach you to avoid innocent words that might be considered swear words. Their point is to keep you from being thought of as vulgar.
We say, fuck it!
Vulgarity is not the point.
The name of the game is communication.
In the course of this work, we quote a number of poets. That shouldn’t deter you. These are all no-nonsense poets. (There is one exception, and he is clearly identified.)
Because we’re a panel of experts, we know what we’re doing, and why we’re doing it. We swear for one reason, and one reason only: It’s the best fucking way to communicate!
Four centuries ago, Shakespeare—one of the greatest communicators the English language has ever known—put his stamp of approval on swearing. In The Tempest he has a character say:
You taught me language; and my profit on’t Is, I know how to curse.
The Bard had more to say on the subject. In Henry V, he shows us Katherine, a young French woman, as she takes a lesson in English. When she learns that the English words foot
and gown
sound like the French words foutre and con—fuck
and cunt
—she’s delighted. She repeats them again and again.
Is this Katherine some kind of low life?
Far from it!
She ends up as Queen of England and France!
If swearing is good enough for Shakespeare and for the Queen of England and France—you can bet your ass it’s good enough for us.
And for you.
The Basic Seven
In the 1970s comedian George Carlin cited the seven words you can never say on network T.V: These rank high in the building blocks of effective