Get Tequila: Get Smashed, Speak Spanish FAST!

INTRODUCTION

First of all you should read this introduction because it is written in English, presumably your native language. And we are not going to use any big words. This introduction will set the framework within which you are going to laugh and learn Spanish. You will learn that this language is very much like English, except that they talk funny. If you don’t laugh on every page we have probably failed in our job and our mission. We are masters in both languages but are going to take the liberty to mess with both languages in terms of misspellings, grammatical rules; things that get in the way of enjoying yourself in a new tongue.

The whole point of the book is for you to use thousands of words you already know so you won’t have to study hard. We assume you are as lazy as we are.

Occasionally, just to prove that we are pedantically(ftnote1) oriented, we will put in very small font footnotes to illustrate that we really know what we’re talking about as we give you misinformation in the large print. However the misinformation will help you learn Spanish, while the footnotes will bore everybody except professors of the language. Don’t read our footnotes-that’s why they’re in font so small; to discourage you. (Gringos; a supposedly derogatory word for all Americans and others who speak English. It derived from Green Go! which is what the Mexicans wanted us to do with us and our green uniforms during the Mexican American war.)

You are also going to be amazed that there are so many English and Spanish words that are identical in every way, except that they talk funny. Once you learn pronunciation, you can talk Spanglish funny also. The bad thing about the common English-Spanish words, is that they are usually multiple-syllabled, and the English version may not be a working part of your vocabulary, unless you are a high school graduate. So in a sense, you’re going to learn more of your native tongue and become overall more intelligent sounding, and understand concepts derived from Latin more easily. If you pay attention to this book, we are teaching you both English and Spanish for the price of only a Spanish book. Give the extra price that you’re saving to your favorite charity; we are doing this for fun not money. O.K., we’re doing it for the money, and half the team also wants the fame that brings babes.

1. Pedantic means schoolish and scholarly to an absurd degree.

Some people have complained that they didn’t want to learn Spanish because it is mostly spoken in Third World countries. Our answer to that is: Number one, they are all moving here due to our open borders, so what are you gonna do?: and Number two; there are a lot of people all over the world to practice with such as in the Philippines, Spain, and all of the Americas except Brazil, Belize and northern parts of the United States (Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont.) Number 3: Spanish is easier than any other language when you’re an English speaker. Number 4: they are outbreeding everybody. Therefore it will probably be the language of the future. Especially more likely if any of them should ever invent anything or discover anything besides UFOs over Mexico City. Number 5: they are not going to learn our language; Number 6: you do want to be able to boss them around, don’t you Number 7: you do want to know what they’re saying behind your back, don’t you? Number 8: Spanish is an official language of the United Nations; what other language would you want to learn—french? Why?, so you can speak it in the remaining non-Arab parts of france, pockets of Vietnam; and Tahiti-- one of the only good things the french (we know it should be capitalized under normal circumstances; but not in this book) held unto but which is too small and far away and expensive to do readers of this book any good. And you can’t be proud of them because their Battle Flag is a white star on a white background. (Why are all the roads leading into Paris tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade.)

Meanwhile, the German language has three genders (male, female, and neuter), along with their two distinct accents (high and low German) and they have a tendency to push all words into one loooooong one, and spell with curly-que English letters, which are hard to read, and harsh to hear. Some wags have commented that German is only good for arguing with a mule when you don’t have a 2 by 4 in your hands. Furthermore, most Germans speak English fluently so there is no point in struggling with them in their own language. Meanwhile, the German colonization program under Hitler did not work out well, so German is not much spoken around the world.

The authors posit to you that there are no other serious languages an English-speaking people could learn that would be useful. Learning an Asian language would be extremely painful, as would Russian, Arabic, Korean, Serbo-Croatian, or any language which uses a different alphabet, numbering system, and strange sounding consonants and vowels. Therefore, it becomes Spanish by default. (You will not need tequila to have a good time learning in this book, but if you do, eat the worm and the book will make more sense. If this sentence is meaningless to you, ask any bartender).

The authors take no responsibility for anything wrong in this book but will accept full credit for everything that is helpful. We used spelIcheck, grammar check, and dumbcheck, so if anything is amiss, it has to be the fault of the publisher, or your lying eyes. Of course it could mean that we are off our meds and into our alcohol.

By the way, you are kidding yourself if you think reading one hilarious book on Spanish is going to make you a knowledgeable tourist that can have his way with the locals. They are going to know you’re a Gringo from 150 yards away no matter how thoroughly you read this book. At the end, we will give you some useful phrases that will not get you into trouble. We would like to teach you a bunch of dirty words and phrases but that would really prevent any high school from picking up our book and using it as a course book (2), which would hurt our profits. We also recognize the potential for dirty phrases to get you beaten up in foreign cities. Better to stay dumb than to hurl epithets in a foreign language. (2). Yeah, like that’s about to really happen.

CHAPTER 1 – COGNATES

These words are called cognates, and you will love them. Cognates are words that are spelled similar, have similar meanings and are pronounced similar.

Simply stated, you already know them except for saying them a little funny, so you will be understood when you say them and also understand them when they are said to you. We don’t want you to have to learn new words. You have plenty in English. You will have to learn about 250 new Spanish words to take advantage of what you already know.

Many of them you already speak with a Spanish accent. A good ‘for instance’ would be adiós. Although it’s not a cognate, you would readily agree that you already know how to pronounce it, even when drunk, and that you know it means goodbye. We nick-named it one third of a congnate since the only thing it lacks is, similar spelling and similar pronunciation. The one third that it does have, is that it means "goodbye.

You already know Spanish!

Arnold Schwarzenegger already taught you some stuff! :

¡No hay problema!, ¡Hasta la vista baby! and you have a chance to learn hasta means up to or until and vista is sight, meaning ‘til I see you again. Remember forever, that the written H is never pronounced in Spanish. You can write this in stone or on your bathroom wall. So you would say AAHS-tah lah VEES-tah.

Note that we are using obvious phonetic spellings with the stress in all caps so you will know where to make the loudest stress, or accent. We’re using this method because virtually no one understands standard dictionary phonetic usage. We will tell you the actual stress rules of Spanish later, but we wanted you to get a feel for the language before we bore you with the 2 rules. Once you read the 2 rules, you can look back over these words and find that it works every time. (OK, not every time, but close enough for government work-as we used to say in the military.) Meanwhile we will put in a footnote for those of you who want to either be picky or move on to higher level Spanish after we peak your interest in the language.)

Hasta la vista, (leave off the baby because in Spanish it really means a tiny person (bebé) beh-BEE, whereas in English it means a chic.) Remember again, your eyes do not see the H, so it is AAHS-tah.

Amor – [ah-MOHR] this word is recognized all over the world as love. You already have felt amorous in you life.

Botas – [BOH-tahs] Justin Boots out of Texas are popular.

Padre –[ PAH-dreh] this word is recognized all over the world as father, mainly due to Catholics.

Panarama – panorama [pah-noh-RAH-mah]

Patio –[ PAH-tee-oh] (their word, so don’t use the English a as in pay)

Pronto – everyone who ever watched a western movie or TV show, knows this means soon or right now, in movies involving Mexico. Otherwise, it just means soon.

Fiesta –[ fee EHS-tah] (you probably know this is their word for party)

Tomorrow – Mañana [mahn-YAH-nah] this is the day that all Hispanics promise that it will be done. Because it can be repeated daily, the job can last into the weeks and still be within the broad confines of Mañana. Their notion of time to meet you or for the appointment is just as slaphappy.

Siesta –[ seeES-tah] hopefully you know that this is the typical Mexican nap after lunch in the heat of the day

Test = same

Spray = same (English word exception to the ah rule.

Divan = diván [deeh-VAHN]

Jazz = same, this is another English A.

Vámonos –[ VAH-moh-nohs] this means let’s go, and is used in every Western movie after they rob the bank and mount their horses. Okay, probably a few Gringos robbed banks also, but it was so rare that I bet the only name you can remember is Jesse James.

Carrera – (which means racing in Spanish but in English is the name of a Porsche) –[ cah-RREH-rrah] Sometimes Carrera 4-meaning 4 wheel drive is seen on the back of a 911 Porsche. Macho point: the two RR’s together make a much stronger sound than the single R. Hispanic men think it is more macho to roll their double RR’s really hard. Domineering women do the same thing; (just to give you a head’s up.) And by the way, this same word is used when you are talking about your professional career (carrera).

Mundo – world the same word meaning world, all over the world. See the old movie Mondo Cane which translates to "It’s a dog’s world. It’s got to be in the top 20 of all time good movies. (Google it, please.)

We thought we would give you a little humor here... This is a takeoff from the country song, Sometimes you’re the bug and sometimes you’re the windshield." Sometimes you’re the stick and sometimes you’re the Piñata.

El Cheapo – contrary to what we wish, this means nothing in Spanish. Perhaps if we say it enough, we can get them to use it since it is more fun than their version which is Barato [bah-RRAH-to]

Una más cerveza – which should be Una cerveza más, in correct Spanish. [UU-nah] [ ser-VEY-sah] [mas]

The following words are so obvious; we won’t give you the English translation. Please note that although the spelling is the same, the pronunciation is the entire secret. Once you get the melody, you’re well on your way to saying them correctly. One clue that will always hold you in good stead when speaking Spanish: the stress on the syllable can make it or break it. If they don’t understand you when you’re stressing the 2nd syllable, try stressing the first or 3rd.

Abdominal = [ahb-doh-mee-NAHL] (note again that we are using obvious phonetic spellings with the stress in all caps and bold so you will know where to make the loudest stress, or accent.

Accessible = accesible [ahk-seh-SEE-bleh] (no bull in Espanol)

Accidental = [ahk-see-dehn-TAHL]

Acne = [AHK-neh] Exactly the same word.

Acre = [AHK-reh] Exactly the same word.

Actor = [ahk-TOHR]

Actual = [ahk-tuu-AHL] (We say chu in English, they do not.

Actuarial = [ahk-tuu-ah-ree-AHL]

Adhesion = adhesión [ah-deh-SION] (notice that they pronounce the d instead of the h, but if you say it fast no one can hear the difference.)

Admirable = [ahd-mee-RAH-bleh] (not bull as we incorrectly say it)

Admissible = admisible [ahd-mee-SEE-bleh]

Admission = admisión [ahd-mee-CION]

Adobe = [ah-DOH-beh] (a brick made out of mud and straw good for housing in the Southwest if covered with a protective paint or coating. Insulation is fabulous. Also stops bullets well.)

Adorable = [ah-doh-RAH]-bleh very much like marvelous. Not necessarily a Metrosexual word in Spanish- as it is in English.

Agenda = pronounced [ah-HEN-dah], because of the rule that G with an E following is always pronounced like an H. We will repeat this many times, do not worry about losing track of it.

Aggression = agresión [ah-greh-CION]dropping all the unnecessary double letters really makes Spanish shorter and spelling easier since it is mostly phonetic.

Aggressor = agresor [ah-greh-SOHR]

Album = álbum [AAHL- boum]This is where you put the ugly pictures of your recent trip to a foreign country where you tried to speak Spanish but failed.

Alcohol = [ahl-COAL] (you will really need this a lot! For drinking, for shaving (hepatitis in the water), for emergency deodorant, instant shower, freshening your clothes, mousse for your hair, first aid kit such as cuts, for washing all fruits that don’t get peeled (such as apples, pears, grapes,etc.) and drinking, Oh, we mentioned that already? Never drink it out of a glass, because the glass was washed in their water. Soft drinks, ditto. Beer only from the bottle. Wine also. We know you look bad drinking wine directly from the bottle, but it’s better than visiting the toilet repeatedly all day long, or discovering someone put a roofie in your wine glass. Jug wine always had a certain go to hell france charm; kinda manly like drinking Long Neck beers. (It is pronounced a little differently because they cannot pronoun h.)

Algebra = [AHL-heh-brah]

Alley-oop = [alley-OOP ] basketball only

Allusion = alusión [ah-luu-SION]

Aloe = [ah-LOH-eh] (They pronounce as many letters as possible)

Altar = [ahl-TAHR]

Amateur = [ah – mah – TEH– ur] (french, but the Spanish use it also, we stole it from the french and our closest American word is rookie). Others can argue where the stress is.

America = América hopefully the place where you are going to buy this book.

Amigo = for the real beginners, and we mean real beginners, this means friend. It is pronounced [ah-MEE-goh]. If there were a more basic book, we would recommend it and give you your money back.

Amnesia = [ahm-NEH-seeah] forgetfulness usually caused by drug overdoses. (see Peyote and Marijuana down below) Also see alcohol above.

Amoral = [ah-moh-RAHL]

Anaconda = [ah-nah-COHN-dah]

Anal = [ah-NAHL] –ah is pronounced like in Apple, not like in April.

Analysis = análisis [ah-NAH-lee-sees] Sounds exactly the same, they just don’t use a Y.

Anemia = [ah-NEH-myah] A blood dietary disorder when all you have been doing is drinking alcohol south of the border. The authors recommend you supplement your diet with vitamin pills and packaged fast food.

Angel = angel [AHN-hell], as in Lohs AHN-hell-lehs (LA, where the Dodgers are, not in hell, as Brooklynites would have you believe. They lost the Dodgers to LA.

Angelical = [ahn-heh-lee-CAHL]

Angina = [AHN-hee-nah] (g is followed by i so it is an h) restriction of blood to the heart-not a humorous condition but relieved quickly by strong alcohol which thins the blood. Chewing aspirin is also good but