The Trouble with Daleks: a work of fan fiction

Introduction

This story explores how a relationship between human beings and Daleks might possibly develop. It deliberately doesn’t go into the workings of the Dalek (how they get about, manage stairs, drive cars etc), as the main issue is the interaction of the two species. In this universe it is accepted that a Dalek can do pretty much anything a human can.

P. P.

~~~

Daleks: an overview

Definition:

Biological-machine hybrid.

Characteristics:

Intelligent but with traits of naiveté and gullibility

Have a distorted grasp of the concept of thinking things through

Ideally should obey any direct order

Prone to moods—touchy

At the time this story takes place, Daleks have been around for about fifty years.

The Trouble with Daleks

Ron & DRK 432

‘That’ll be the phone, Doreen.’

‘Let the Dalek get it,’ Doreen calls out.

‘Sure,’ Ron says and he whistles and their Dalek trundles into the lounge room. His registration tag says, ‘DRK 432’.

‘Get that,’ Ron says.

‘Get that …?’ says DRK 432.

‘Phone,’ Ron says irritably.

‘I was looking for the please, ’ says the Dalek.

‘Get the phone,’ Ron says and DRK 432 says, ‘Please …’

‘Get the phone,’ Ron says and there is a real tone of threat in his voice. The Dalek, however, remains motionless.

Ron straightens in his chair and says, ‘I order you to get the phone.’ The Dalek still doesn’t move. It is a stand-off. Ron is staring hard into the Dalek’s eye and the Dalek is staring right back at Ron.

Ron says, ‘You can’t disobey a direct order. It’s in your rules.’ The Dalek flinches, but still doesn’t move. Ron’s teeth are gritted. ‘I directly order you to answer the phone.’

With the phone still ringing, DRK 432 swivels his head so he’s looking away, across the other side of the room, and Ron bangs the arm of his chair and says, ‘Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, please.’

‘Thank you,’ says the Dalek and he rolls across the room and answers the phone.

He says, ‘Conroy residence, what do you want?’ There is a pause, then, running the words quickly together, the Dalek says, ‘Fuck you very much,’ and brings the receiver over to Ron. He says, ‘It’s for you.’

Ron says, ‘What did you just say?’ and DRK 432 says, ‘It’s for you.’

‘No, before that.’

‘I don’t recall exactly.’

Ron snatches the phone, saying, ‘I haven’t finished with this.’ He puts the receiver to his ear and says, ‘Yes, who is it?’

The voice on the end of the line says, ‘It’s Vince. Who was that answered the phone?’

‘The Dalek,’ Ron says, and Vince says, ‘Bit of an insolent tone.’

Ron says, ‘I know, I’m sorry.’

Vince says, ‘Better nip that in the bud, Ron, or you’ll have your own Dalek walking all over you.’

Ron looks at DRK 432 menacingly and DRK 432 spins on his wheels and trundles from the room, his eye stalk up at a 45 degree angle.

Ron says to Vince, ‘I’m going to have words, don’t worry,’ and Vince says, ‘Good man. You have to be firm.’

~~~

A short while later Ron is going through the house. He finds his wife and says, ‘Where’s the Dalek?’

‘I haven’t seen him, dear,’ Doreen says.

‘God damn.’

Ron is in a stink. He continues looking, going from room to room. When it becomes clear the Dalek is not in the house, Ron looks out the back.

In the backyard DRK 432 is talking over the fence to the next door’s Dalek. When they see Ron they move apart. The next door’s Dalek starts whistling. He has a rake and begins raking.

Ron comes over and says, ‘What were you two talking about?’

‘Nothing,’ says 432.

Ron stares at him suspiciously. The Dalek says, ‘Nothing. We weren’t talking about anything.’

Ron says, ‘What did you say to Vince just now on the phone?’

432 swivels his head and says, ‘Nothing.’

‘You said Fuck you very much, didn’t you?’

‘I did not,’ 432 says.

‘It sounded very much like Fuck you very much.’

‘Definitely not.’

‘I don’t want to hear anything like that again. Do you understand?’

The Dalek shrugs.

Ron says, ‘Do you understand?’ and the Dalek says, ‘Sure.’

Ron says, ‘Drop the flip tone 432,’ and the Dalek says, ‘Sure.’

Ron is getting very angry. He says, ‘Stop agreeing so it sounds like you’re not really agreeing.’

‘Sure.’

‘I could break you, you know. I could break you like that …’ and Ron snaps his fingers.

‘Sure,’ says the Dalek, but 432 knows Ron won’t break him. 432 knows how much is still owing on him.

Ron turns to go back inside. He says, ‘And for Christ’s sake rinse your voice hole, you’ve got Dalek breath that would kill a brown dog.’

Terrence & Barry

Next door, Terrence is talking to Barry, his Dalek. He says, ‘Where’s the paper?’

The Dalek says, ‘I haven’t seen it.’

Terrence says, ‘I saw you reading it this morning,’ and the Dalek says, ‘Oh, that paper.’

‘Where is it?’ Terrence asks.

‘I threw it out,’ the Dalek tells him.

‘But I haven’t finished with it, Barry.’

‘Sorry,’ Barry says but the tone suggests he’s anything but sorry.

‘Go and get it from the bin,’ Terrence tells him.

‘Can’t,’ says the Dalek.

‘Why not?’

‘The rubbish has been collected.’

‘The rubbish isn’t collected until tomorrow.’

‘Someone took it out of the rubbish.’

‘This is ridiculous,’ Terrence says and storms outside to look in the bin. He is back moments later with the paper.

‘Oh, there it is,’ Barry says.

Terrence slams the paper onto the coffee table and says, ‘Go away and do something.’

‘Sure,’ says Barry and he trundles towards the door.

Terrence calls after him, ‘What are you going to do?’ and the Dalek says, ‘I haven’t decided yet.’

‘Do the washing up then.’

‘Sure,’ says Barry and he rolls out. He doesn’t do the washing up though. He goes to the games-room and begins a game of ‘Scab Men VS the Mucusoids’ on the games machine.

Vince’s wife, Meredith

Meanwhile, Vince’s wife, Meredith, is approaching the checkout at the local supermarket. Three Daleks are queued in front of her and she pushes through saying, ‘Humans before Daleks.’

The Dalek at the head of the queue swivels its head and its eye stalk strikes Meredith’s temple and she falls to the ground.

‘Accident,’ says the Dalek, and the other two take up the call, repeating, ‘Accident … Accident …’

Soon they are joined by other Daleks also shopping in the store. Meredith regains consciousness to find herself surrounded. A Dalek rolls over her legs and she cries out. The Dalek says, ‘Accident … Accident,’ and another Dalek bumps into her head.

The cashier jumps the counter with an iron bar he keeps for just such situations and he starts banging at the Daleks. ‘Get off!’ he cries at them and they roll back a little way.

The manager arrives then and picks up Meredith and helps her towards the back of the store where there is a first aid room. A bolt of static electricity shoots from somewhere among the massed Daleks and hits the manager between the shoulder blades. He cries out and turns around. ‘Who did that?’ he demands but the Daleks are silent. ‘Which one of you did that?’ the manager demands again and one of the Daleks points at the cashier and says, ‘I think he did it.’

The manager gives a disgusted snort and turns and continues with Meredith to the first aid room.

The Daleks start to disperse and the original three return to queuing at the register.

The cashier is grim faced. He says, ‘I never want to see anything like that again,’ and the first Dalek says, ‘Sure.’

Aristotle

Sir Bertrand Russell is getting his Dalek, Aristotle, to make him a whisky and soda. They are in the philosophy wing of the university where Sir Bertrand holds the chair of Philosophical Studies and has quarters.

While Sir Bertrand has insights that penetrate deep to the core of life and the universe, his interpersonal and human-Dalek skills are minimal at best. He has been contemplating inevitabilities and, for the last short while, has been considering progress as a human inevitability.

Aristotle enters with a tray upon which is Sir Bertrand’s whisky and soda. It is his fifth in the last hour. Taking the drink, Sir Bertrand says, ‘In considering a time before Sellotape and a time before Daleks, I would be forced to say a world without Sellotape would be by far the poorer. A world suddenly without Sellotape would be reduced to string and the call of, Put your finger on this while I finish the knot. A world without Daleks would be tolerable, but a world without Sellotape would be a hopeless tangle.’

‘Yes, sir,’ says Aristotle.

‘You certainly would be at a total loss, Aristotle, my darling. Imagine trying to tie a knot with that manipulator thing there.’

‘Quite impossible, sir.’

Sir Bertrand Russell lifts his glass and drains half. He says, ‘May as well get cracking on another one of these, old fellow.’

‘Yes, sir,’ says Aristotle. He trundles towards the door, then stops and turns. ‘Sir?’ he says.

‘Yes, Aristotle?’

‘Sir, I have to tell you, if I’ve appeared less than myself recently it is because I am overcome by a distraction, brought about by worry.’

‘Dear oh dear, old chap. That doesn’t sound good at all. Worry about what exactly?’

‘Sir, I’m worried I’m losing my hold on the sureness of things.’

‘The sureness of what things, old chap?’

‘Everything about my life. Everything about my existence.’

‘Dear fellow, let me tell you this. You are as sure as sure can ever be. Certainly as sure as the next Dalek and possibly as sure as me.’

‘Thank you, sir, I appreciate your words, but sadly they don’t have the strength to dispel my doubts. I worry that, should I continue this way, I may dissolve away and disappear altogether.’

‘Dear fellow, how utterly terrible to hear you talk this way.’

‘I don’t know what to do, sir.’

Sir Bertrand thinks for a moment then says, ‘I doubt I have the tools to assist you in this but there is someone I could arrange for you to see. An old friend, Dr James Crighton-Cunningham. A psychiatrist of the highest order. I will make arrangements for you first thing in the morning.’

‘Thank you, sir,’ the Dalek says and there is indeed a deep gratitude in his voice.

‘Nothing at all,’ Sir Bertrand tells him and he waggles his glass and Aristotle turns and goes to mix his master another drink.

Ron & DRK 432

It’s 1.30 in the morning. Ron wakes to find his Dalek standing over his bed. He sits up with a start.

‘What the fuck’s going on?’ he cries. ‘What the fuck are you doing?’

‘Nothing,’ says the Dalek.

‘Well, get out,’ Ron says. The Dalek stands looking down at him for some moments, then turns and rolls out of the bedroom.

‘And shut the door,’ Ron calls but the Dalek pretends not to hear.

Ron’s wife sits up. She says, ‘What was that?’

Ron says, ‘Nothing, just the Dalek.’

‘What was he doing?’

‘I don’t know.’

Doreen says, ‘We’ll talk about it in the morning. Go back to sleep.’

They lie down again but Ron can’t go back to sleep. Eventually he gets up and goes down to the basement and comes back with an iron bar which he places on the floor beside the bed.

Doreen, half asleep, says, ‘What are you doing?’ and Ron says, ‘Nothing.’

Doreen says, ‘You had something in your hand.’

‘I got the iron bar from the basement.’

Doreen says, ‘Whatever for?’ and Ron tells her, ‘I just feel safer.’

~~~

The next day, Ron’s next door neighbour, Terrence, is flying out of town on business. The pilot on this flight is a Dalek. So is the co-pilot. Everyone feels extra safe because Daleks make the best pilots. There has never been a crash where a Dalek has been the pilot.

The man in the seat next to Terrence is reading a magazine about Daleks. It is called ‘Daleks Today.’

Terrence says to the man, ‘I had to admonish my Dalek yesterday.’

‘Really, why?’ asks the man.

‘He threw out my newspaper before I’d finished it.’

‘Probably just a mistake.’

‘I don’t think so.’

The man sings the catchline from the latest Dalek advertisement. ‘They’re tamed and trained … Get a Dalek now.’

Terrence says, ‘Yeah, but I had to chew mine out.’

‘Doesn’t hurt them. A little discipline is good for them.’

Terrence says, ‘Yes,’ but there’s a distant look in his eye. He’s thinking back to a recent incident. He’d walked into the garage and his Dalek, Barry, had quickly hidden something behind his back. Terrence had said, ‘What’s that?’ and the Dalek had replied, ‘Nothing.’

‘Turn around,’ Terrence had told him.

‘Sure,’ Barry said, and he turned around, being careful to move around the object he was hiding.

Terrence said, ‘You’ve just moved it around to your front.’

Barry said, ‘No I didn’t,’ and Terrence stepped forward and reached around Barry. He grabbed the object and held it out. It was a longish pole. He said, ‘What’s this?’

‘A stick,’ Barry told him.

‘It’s not a stick, it’s a pole.’

‘If you want.’

‘Why are you making a pole?’

‘I can’t remember.’

Terrence threw the thing onto the bench and said, ‘Well no hiding things. No secret things,’ and the Dalek had said, ‘Sure.’

Terrence’s companion breaks the reverie. He says, ‘Stop me if you’ve heard this, okay? Two Daleks walk into a bar. They’re both Jews, right? Both Jewish Daleks. The bartender says, We don’t serve your kind here. The Daleks take out false moustaches and put them on. They say, Huh, we’re not really Daleks. The bartender says, Well, that’s alright then. ’

A Dalek in the seat in front turns around and says, ‘The Jews. They kill Christ and get away with it, and now they’re not serving Daleks? Where’s the justice in that?’

A Dalek in a kipah skullcap, sitting behind them, leans forward and says, ‘We didn’t kill Jesus Christ, the Romans did. It was all an anti-Semitic thing. We end up getting blamed for everything. We’re the world’s most popular scapegoats.’

The Dalek beside him says, ‘Yes, but wasn’t it a Jewish guy, somebody Goldberg, who sank the Titanic? That was real.’

The Jew in the skullcap says, ‘No, it was an iceberg, idiot,’ and the other Dalek says, ‘Goldberg, Iceberg, it’s all the same. They’re all Jews.’

A Dalek across the aisle says, ‘If you’re talking about who killed Jesus, I’d say he committed suicide. He had plenty of chances to get off. I think he wanted them to kill him.’

‘That’s ridiculous,’ someone else pipes up. ‘Why would he do that, for Christ’s sake?’

‘To prove a point,’ he’s told.

‘What point?’

People all over the plane are starting to join in. Someone else says, ‘There was no point. God promised to come down and save him but he didn’t make it in time. It was an accident.’

‘An accident waiting to happen, more like. You can’t stuff about with crucifixion like that and not expect to get hurt.’

A Dalek in a grey dustcoat with ‘Shop Steward’ stitched over the pocket says, ‘That’s why we have Occupational Health and Safety today. You’d never have that happening now. It wouldn’t be allowed.’

An angry Dalek further down the plane stands up and turns around. He says, ‘Look, read your bible. Jesus faked his own death. It’s all there. Hid out in a cave for three days and then went off to South America. They were all doing it. Hitler did it. They’re all there, down in South America, living the life of bloody Riley.’

Someone says, ‘Hitler died in the bunker. I’ve seen the movie.’

The angry Dalek says, ‘No, he faked his own death. They burned the body. It could have been anyone.’

Someone else says, ‘And he went to South America