The Four Genders Handbook

THE FOUR GENDERS HANDBOOK

SAM SMALL

Copyright 2012 by SAM SMALL

Smashwords Edition

Filed with the US Library of Congress # 1-709354531

Dedicated to Heather, who makes all things possible. My thanks to Sue, Antoinette and

all the others who encouraged me and inspired me to write this book. They are on the same journey as Heather and I.

We learn something new every day and are freshly amazed.

Love hath reason; reason none.

William Shakespeare

THE FOUR GENDERS CONCEPT is not an invention of self-help theories. It is a comprehensive observation of what people have instinctively known ever since intimate relationships between humans became popular, and that's a long time ago.

What I have done is to describe what I see. I newly label the different relationship elements, observable to everyone, and suggest pathways to combinations of those elements. To absorb these pages and realise the importance of these observations will change your life forever. It changed mine.

I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist or involved with academic research into human personality types. I am a life traveller who learned a lesson late. But late, as they say, is far better than never.

I have described what is all around me. I see what works. It is a reality for all people on this earth. Many are living it. Many are freshly discovering it. Many are still in ignorance of it. It is time for that veil of ignorance to be lifted. Enlightenment waits.

This is a book for primarily for heterosexual adults looking for a partner or transforming their relationship or marriage. I shall address other relationship variations at a later date. However, the principles in this book apply to everyone on this planet, regardless of their sexual orientation.

But beware. Better take it slow. The concepts you are about to read might appear strange, even alien. But they are not alien. They are entirely human.

Be patient. Some will find it difficult; for others it will be easy.

Good luck in your journey. Remember me at the wedding.

SAM SMALL

London, UK

January 2012

~~IMPORTANT~~

TO GET THE MAXIMUM from this book it's best to read it in this way.

The book is divided into five sections. The first section is called Discovery. Everyone should read this section carefully. By this time you should have come to some conclusion about which of the Four Genders you are.

There are four remaining sections each called Experience which deals with each of the Four Genders in detail. Choose which section applies to you and read that section.

For this reason the relevant table of contents appears before each section and not all at the beginning of the book. To make navigation easier there is a link at the end of each section to go back to the contents page of that section.

Reading any of the other Experience sections will do no harm. You may wish to see how different the Four Genders can be. However, knowledge of your own is what is important.

Prepare to be who you really are.

The Four Genders Handbook

Discovery Contents

Discovery 1: What We Want and What We Don't Want

Discovery 2: How We've Always Sought a Marriage Partner

Discovery 3: Bad Marriages

Discovery 4: Stumbling Upon the Secret

Discovery 5: The Ancient Dynamic of Opposite Energies

Discovery 6: New Energy

Discovery 7: Pictures and Stories

Discovery 8: The Circle of Talents

Discovery 9: Occupation and Clothes

Discovery 10: The Talents Entwined

Discovery 11: The Tragedy of Confused Energy

Discovery 12: The Five Year Apprenticeship

Choose Your Energy Type

Discovery 1:

What We Want and What We Don't Want

EVERYONE WANTS TO BE MARRIED. Only the religiously doctrinaire, the life-long bitter, the obsessively cynical or haters of humanity shun it. It is the one true promise of happiness on earth. It is our one clear chance of love, peace and tranquillity with the most important person we will ever meet. It is the golden chalice of human society's grand ambition. The rich cannot buy it whilst the poor may stumble upon it for free. It is, quite simply, what the world is about; but first, the awful prologue.

Those hit by divorce will tell you it was the worst time of their lives. Nevertheless, those same people will take a rest and then embark on yet another quest for the perfect mate. The very real chance of further ruin does not deter them. It has always been thus.

We are all aware of marriage break-up and relationship break-up. We know from our own experience, our family, personal friends and the celebrity famous that it is painful, destructive and, as I hope to prove, completely avoidable. When we hear of two people we love who have declared their intention to divorce or break up it sends a painful shockwave through us all. It affects our own relationships; in some mysterious way it even affects our community. No one likes it. Everyone would prefer that it did not happen.

In the meantime, single people secretly languish in their homes, walk the city streets and country lanes or sit at restaurant tables for one, both the wealthy and the poor. They all dream of golden days with that one and only idyllic companion.

Every now and then they will get an opportunity to break into that translucent world where loneliness is banished forever. Their aim should be true. Their methods should be more than the random selection of a pretty face, a handsome body, a great salary or a friendly manner. Failure could leave them worse than when they began.

The concept of 'The Four Genders Workbook' is first about finding yourself, then finding your true partner. Marrying the right type of person is a primary way to avoid divorce; understanding that only a small selection of the population contains your perfect mate is a great secret.

Back to Discovery Contents

Discovery 2:

How We've Always Sought a Marriage Partner

IT HAS NOT MUCH CHANGED over aeons of time throughout all cultures. When the pleasure and security of the idea of marriage hits a young person they follow the advice that parents, friends and community have always meted out; Find a nice girl, or, Find a nice boy. Although simplistic, it has served the earth well enough since marriage became part of humanity. Deconstruction of that advice reveals what nice actually means. It is, in fact, the ultimate checklist. It is an itemised application for an impossible dream. It is a description of an angel in human form.

For the man the woman will be beautiful with a sexy body. She will be honest with unbounded integrity. She will have a pleasant, compatible sense of humour. She will love him completely, (including his many faults) not want him to change in the least, be the perfect mother and never be grumpy or demanding. They will, of course, agree on everything including religion, politics and the history of the universe.

For the woman the man will be handsome with a sexy body. He will be honest with unbounded integrity. He will have a pleasant, compatible sense of humour. He will love her completely, (including her many faults), not want her to change in the least, be the perfect father and never be grumpy or demanding. They will, of course, agree on everything including religion, politics and the history of the universe.

Well, you get the picture. We have all dreamed such dreams. Indeed, in glimpses across a party floor, on a train, in the office or on the silver screen we have spotted such fabulous creatures and wondered if the dream might actually prove real. We try, but often reality hits hard during the first conversation, the first week, a short relationship or a short marriage. We find that the dream is a mirage which dissolves and fades. Our creature has feet, and many other parts, made of clay. Some stalwart people accept this disintegrating illusion as part of life; they believe they are realists; it is one of the truths of time and marriage; love never lasts. Well, you've heard it all before.

After several reality wake-ups many searchers will gladly settle for a score of six or so checks in their personal checklist of perhaps ten ideal requirements. That's a pretty good deal, they say. The four or so crosses are seen as the inevitable marital crosses to bear. They believe that whatever good comes out of a marriage there is a price to pay. With sunshine come clouds. After day comes night, comes day, perhaps. However, most hopeful, long-time searchers will still look for the perfect being, now of mythological proportions.

The more sinister aspect to this age-old selection process is the assessment of the selector's own self. They too have a checklist for themselves. It is the checklist that is on offer to the world. It is how that person believes the world perceives them to be. For most humble searchers there will be more crosses than checks. Indeed for those people suffering from a marked lack of self-esteem that checklist might be all crosses. For the naïve or arrogant a list full of checks would present a similar problem; the score of the searcher is unequal to that of the person being sought. Most people inwardly hide this terrible secret; they are searching for someone vastly superior to their perception of their own worth.

Statistics show that for most people, it doesn't work. Excitement gives way to disappointment; euphoria gives way to cold day; rosy honeymoon becomes grey marriage. This method of expectation, search and resolution generally gives three results; divorce, painful mediocrity or, for a very small number of people smiled upon by good fortune, a happy marriage. But the tragedy is that for a big majority of people, the search preceded disaster.

Back to Discovery Contents

Discovery 3:

Bad Marriages

WHEN INDIVIDUALS ANALYSE the reason for their marriage or long-term relationship breakdown, they will seldom blame themselves. This is an age-old defence mechanism designed to protect the self. The overriding argument for both parties is that the other side did something bad to scupper the marriage. They talk as if the marriage certificate was a contract of guaranteed happiness in perpetuity. It was the other partner who broke the contract. Both partners feel betrayed by the other who robbed them of the promised peace and enjoyment. Indignant friends and family offer agreeable support and make things worse.

Broadly speaking there are three types of bad marriage that often lead to divorce, if not, great unhappiness. You may be familiar with one or two, or heaven help you, all three.

Mismatched Partnership: The Competition Marriage

In this marriage there is always something going on. Sometimes they laugh and co-operate together but they actually live in a state of perpetual competition. Scoring points is the only game in town. Nothing is sweeter than winning the latest argument. There is a lot of noise studded with grumpy silences. Sex is often very good, but with both parties there is a sense of something missing. In the best of times they will both try to establish rules and boundaries for each other. This arrangement might last for a short time, sometimes only minutes.

When alone, both parties feel they have failed the other in some way. They see the answer in change from the other party. This idea becomes a mantra for both people. Everything would be so right if only the other would change. Happiness seems just beyond their grasp. Friends and family live in hope that this intense engagement will subside and give way to harmony. Friends and family equate this intensity with frustrated inner love waiting to blossom, or something. Sometimes they take sides; first one then the other. This situation can carry on for years. Curiously, nothing seems to be done around the house. Chores are postponed; improvements are promised but never executed; boxes are stacked ready for some project both have forgot.

After taking stock of their marital experience, plus added advice from friends and family, they decide that the effort and time they have invested in their lives is something that must pay back profit; there must be a dividend. So they launch into another bout of arguments, attacks, counter attacks and one-sided peace deals.

Infidelity often takes place, prompted not by love but by a subconscious desire to defeat the other person. It is done to prove that they can have a relationship with no problems therefore condemning the other person as the trouble-causer. Inevitably they will return to the cockpit of conflict to once again attempt mastery over the other.

Their children grow up with the continual noise of competition in their ears. They grow used to the notion that men and women are competitors and that blissful love is an illusion propagated by cheap pop songs. They, in turn, will be attracted to relationships that have similar dynamics; to fight the fight of their parents' lifelong, never-ending battle.

If this marriage reaches old age the fighting becomes more ritualistic, gradually merging into grumpiness and individual loneliness. Finally, an inevitable co-dependency envelops the couple convincing them that at last they have found some peace which they grossly mistake for a failure of energy, surrender and apathy. 

Mismatched Partnership: The Quiet Marriage

In this marriage nothing much happens. After the flush of the marriage day and honeymoon, indecision inhabits the household. Routines such as family visits and vacations are prompted more by former habits augmented with strong suggestions from friends and immediate family. Any spontaneous suggestions of adventures become less and less adventurous until doing the weekly shop becomes a quietly stressful event.

Sexual activity spirals down to regular times then to nothing at all. Conversation is centred on proposed plans for the future but nothing is ever decided. In the household they spend hours alone occasionally interacting with terse enquiries about the other. Real togetherness seems to elude them, each secretly shunning the other's attempted closeness. To kick-start the marriage they will arrange treats, buy presents and suggest outings. The result of such enterprise at first shows promise but proves in the end to be the same. There is no change.

Each may find some solace in friends, either at work or in pubs, clubs or bars. Hobbies may consume them for a while. The internet may offer some excitement but real-life adventure seems far out of reach. Arguments sometimes flare up but this is usually due to tiredness or external pressures of work or family.

To friends and family they appear an enigma. They are a quiet couple seemingly at peace with themselves and the world around them. Separation would be a seismic shock to the whole supportive group. It would be something hardly believed. It would be a mystery. The search would be on for the betrayer but the criminal is never found.

They might have affairs. This may be due to the ease at which the affair could be entered or simply due to mounting desperation. They will return to the marriage home convinced that they love their partner but be almost unaware that they have no respect for them whatsoever.

This is a point of quite serious danger. Two people living together are very conscious of the great deal of time they have spent genuinely trying to make a good life for each other. There could be spats of anger started by an innocuous incident. If the anger continues one partner could get violent. This is anger caused by frustration and hopelessness. There may be apologies but they never stick because the root problem remains.

If, as parents, they can avoid anger and violence their children grow up in a world of quiet tension. Subtle looks and mysterious posturing would be the language learned. That language will be the vocabulary they too will employ for their relationships. They may find it difficult to communicate with their partners on certain emotional levels, let alone sexual matters.

When this marriage enters old age they may become closer friends finally giving up all notions that life ought to be exciting. Co-dependency becomes ever more marked, and with it, closeness tinged with ever present insecurity.

Mismatched Partnership: The Rescue Marriage

Two people come together as a result of having bad experiences in the past such as abuse, failed marriages or other harmful relationships. They meet in a nervous, tender state barely able to communicate. Very slowly they realise that in their negative pasts they have much in common. This forms the basis of their relationship. The credo of their proposed relationship is the avoidance of any trace of the former. If both parties prove pleasant and free from any form of bad behaviour, an alliance forms. They allow themselves sexuality as a reward for finding someone safe. Their eventual marriage takes place underpinned with overwhelming gratitude expressed by both partners. They were rescued from the guilt and depression caused by former partners.

Friends and family from both sides declare this union a godsend. They remember the couples' previous states of mind and do anything to help and encourage this blessed rescue. But some of the opposing friends and family eye the other partner with suspicion thinking that former problems might return. This can cause tension between the couple.

The great, ironic danger with this relationship is that when one partner is healed of former painful shadows they may look at their new marital companion in a very different light. The pretence of love may suddenly dissolve away. This is because the healed person is now very different from the damaged, anxious, hurt person they were when they first met. The very thing that healed them is the very thing that will destroy their marriage. It is tragic for the partner whose healing lags behind, but the outcome is inevitable.

However, it may be good fortune or genuine attraction that brought these two together. The marriage might well be happy if they happened to choose the right partner types and healed in the same time period.

But if this mismatched rescue marriage lasts long enough for children to experience they will very often be confused about their parents' motives in daily life. Their parents often express irritation with each other, sometimes they are relaxed and sometimes they pursue activities alone. Frustrations may be expressed in bitter terms but for the most part the children are told there is nothing wrong. The children may absorb the idea that relationships are strange and randomly constructed things not to be trusted. Their parents never declare their marriage to be any one particular thing.

If this marriage gets to old age much of their pre-marriage story becomes blurred with what came after. In most ways both partners have healed their former wounds and now settle into a friendship which benefits both. Neither can exactly blame the other partner for the tracts of loneliness both have suffered, so they give up and enjoy the friendship for what it is.

Matched Partnership: The Nearly Marriage

For much of the time this couple is happy. For this reason it is likely to prosper in the long term. However, it is punctuated by some pretty fearsome quarrels with occasional threats of ending the relationship, but they both suspect such threats are empty. Eventually they accept this ragged pattern and become good friends and good lovers.

Whilst they admire each other in many ways they are both aware of some distant potential in the other that never quite materialises. Why this is, or what it is, is never revealed. The mystery becomes ever deeper. They convince themselves that life is simply like their marriage; mostly good with periods of unaccountable blackness.

They believe their friends' relationships to be pretty much like their own unless they openly fail. Their friends make light of their bad moments declaring them to be part of normal marriage and normal life. However, some family members secretly doubt the veracity of their relationship because occasionally very bitter blow-ups are reported. At the same time they doubt a break-up because they believe that they are fundamentally compatible.

It is this couple's great conundrum. They love each other very much but cannot quite maintain a smooth passage of harmony for which they both long. Communication sometimes seems stiff and reticent. They hate the dark arguments but find it difficult to manoeuvre out of them. They don't want either party to change because they love each other for what they are. The problem is they cannot find a way to avoid conflict. In times of such bleakness one or the other may consider an affair as a means of relief, but such thoughts evaporate when they come back to each other as friends and lovers. If, however, an affair is entered into it results in such a breach of trust that the relationship is unlikely to recover. The two people would feel the pain for many years ahead.

Their children are not much bothered by the occasional conflicts because they instinctively know that nothing terminal is likely to happen. In any case, for most of the time their parents are happy being together. However, it does create the message in the children's minds that unresolved conflict is a natural part of marriage. Occasionally they will take sides with one of the parents, often in silence.

Old age alters the pattern of this relationship very little. The style appears to be more grumpy than angry but clouds soon pass and for the most part become inseparable companions. But still, even then, their happiness is tinged with the age-old sadness that they could have been so much more to each other in some far off mysterious way.

But now a glimpse of the holy grail of relationships; the golden age of togetherness; what we all wanted at 17; the one true slice of heaven on earth. The truth is that happy marriages do indeed exist. Most are plain lucky. Some are carefully entered into. But they all share a single, precious secret that could change the world.

Matched Partnership: The Happy Marriage

A happy marriage is full of surprises. It is always alive and always changing. Sometimes it seems chaotic;