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    My Waterloo Days
    My Waterloo Days
    My Waterloo Days
    Ebook53 pages41 minutes

    My Waterloo Days

    By Michael Holmes

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    A collection of humorous short stories from comedian Mike Holmes, focusing on his years spent growing up in Iowa.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMichael Holmes
    Release dateOct 19, 2012
    ISBN9781467552561
    My Waterloo Days

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      Book preview

      My Waterloo Days - Michael Holmes

      MY WATERLOO DAYS

      By

      Michael S. Holmes

      ****

      PUBLISHED BY:

      Holmespun Content on Smashwords

      My Waterloo Days

      Copyright © 2012 by Holmespun Content

      ****

      TABLE OF CONTENTS

      Shirley

      Living On A Prayer

      The Robot

      Traveler's Checks

      KLD

      It's All In The Name

      The Pinewood Derby

      Read-A-Million-Minutes

      The Raffle

      What's In The Box?

      Eat Your Vegetables

      The Mississippi Valley Open T-Shirt

      Swearing

      Accident Prone

      The Dentist

      Camp Castaway

      June 17th, 1994

      One-Armed Kid

      It's Not Fun To Get Stranded At The YMCA

      The Kemp Move

      Detasseling

      Mop Envy

      St. Ides Special Brew

      The Announcements

      Tristin in Tipton

      Senator Palpatine

      Flat Tire

      Still Play?

      ****

      MY WATERLOO DAYS

      ****

      Shirley

      When I was growing up my mom used to leave my sister and me with a babysitter named Shirley who was not the world's best babysitter, to say the least. The fact that my mom left us alone with her still scares me a little to this day.

      Perfect example - one time my sister and I went outside to play in the snow. When we came back in our coats were wet. To dry them off, Shirley put them on top of a space-heater... which totally dried them off... and then set them on fire.

      I was with Shirley on the morning in 1986 when the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded. I was in the basement playing while Shirley was upstairs watching the launch on television. All of a sudden, the innocence of my childhood shattered when I heard Shirley shrieking from upstairs, It done blew up! It done blew up! Michael! The spaceship done blew up!

      I ran upstairs. I didn't really know what was going on. I was only 6-years-old but I knew enough to immediately think, "Oh my God. That was awful. That was really, really, terrible... English. It done blew up? Then you done not learned how to talk properly, and once again, I can't believe my mom done left me alone with you. And for Christ's sake, it's a space shuttle not a spaceship. Those weren't aliens that just slipped the surly Bonds of Earth."

      Sadly, I recently learned that Shirley passed away not too long ago. She died of a heart attack. It done blew up. She was only 73-years-old. Done gone too soon.

      Living On A Prayer

      The first time I went onstage and performed in public was in first grade. To this day my friends and family swear it's the funniest thing I've ever done on stage. Unfortunately, comedy was not my intended goal.

      It was Kingsley Elementary school's annual talent show. It was held in the school's gymnasium. There were close to 500 people there, including students, teachers and parents. All alone, at age seven, I sang Bon Jovi's Living On a Prayer, a cappella, because the tape I brought to sing over (not the instrumental version) broke as soon as I got on stage.

      I stood there for an awkward amount of time while the school's musical director, Mrs. Zellhoefer, tried to get my copy of Slippery When Wet to play. Finally, she called me over to the side of the stage and said, It won't play, Michael. You don't have to do this.

      But on that day, for a reason still unknown to me, I was in the mood to embarrass myself. So, I said, "Oh well, the show must go on. I feel

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