The Sun, the Moon, and the Stars, Dependency and Histrionics in Couples and Couple Therapy

The Sun, the Moon, and The Stars

Dependency and Histrionics in Couples and Couple Therapy

Ronald Mah, M.A., Ph.D., L.M.F.T.

Published by Ronald Mah at Smashwords

Copyright 2013 Ronald Mah

Ronald Mah's website- www.ronaldmah.com

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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Linked Table of Contents

Abstract

Chapter 1: RELATIONSHIP IMBALANCE

YOU BEFORE ME

ONLY ME

ALWAYS THE BAD GUY

Chapter 2: EXPANSE OF PROBLEMS

GOOD GIRL

BAD GIRL

Chapter 3: DEPENDENT PERSONALITIES IN COUPLES AND COUPLE THERAPY

Chapter 4: ORIGINS

IMMATURE DEVELOPMENT

CULTURE, GENDER, AND DEPENDENCY

MALE DEPENDENCE

ATTRACTION TO NARCISSISTS

SOMETHING OFF

Chapter 5: COUPLE THERAPY WITH A DEPENDENT PARTNER

THERAPY

RAPPORT AND DEPENDENCY

QUALITY OF MOTIVATION

INTROSPECTION

Chapter 6: PHASES AND GOALS IN THERAPY

BREAKING THE CYCLE

NAME THE DYNAMICS

PRACTICE NON-DEPENDENCY

Chapter 7: THIRD PARTNER

Chapter 8: AUDIENCE FOR THE HISTRIONIC

CHARMING AND FLATTERING

FLIRTATIOUS INVITATION

INABILITY TO STAY WITH PERSONAL FEELINGS

PSUEDO-DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

Chapter 9: POTENTIAL TO CHANGE

AS BLAND... AS FLAMBOYANT

MOTIVATED TO AVOID

Chapter 10: DEPENDENT VS. HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

Chapter 11: HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER IN COUPLES AND COUPLE THERAPY

HISTRIONIC AND OBSESSIVE PARTNERS

TEST, BIND, ANXIETY, RAGE

DYSFUNCTIONAL COMPLEMENTARY MATCH

CONVERGENCE AND DIVERGENCE

Chapter 12: ORIGINS

CULTURE, GENDER, AND HISTRIONICS

HISTRIONIC OR NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER AND GENDER

Chapter 13: VALIDATING LOGICAL CRAZINESS

Chapter 14: MECHANISMS FOR SURVIVAL

Bibliography

Other Books by Ronald Mah

Biographic Information

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Abstract

Individuals with dependent personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder create relationships that fundamentally challenge their partners, and when present in couple therapy, challenge the therapist. Despite enthusiastic participation in couple therapy, both dependent and histrionic behavior can seductively sabotage: one through deference and the other through flamboyance, an appropriate therapist-client relationship. These are parallel processes that create dysfunction in the couple, and waylays true intimacy and connection. The therapist will learn how to identify and manage both dependent and histrionic manipulations in therapy. While the dependent personality turns his or her partner into the sun, the moon, and the stars- the center of the relationship, the histrionic personality demands to be the sun, the moon, and the stars in every relationship. While a couple with a dependent partner and a couple with a histrionic couple may behaviorally appear and present in stark contrast to the therapist, conceptual similarities can empower treatment.

Couple therapy must help partners of either personality who initially enjoyed the relationship create a new balance in the couple. The therapist is guided to incorporate conceptual understanding and compassion for the personality disordered individuals to challenge their fundamental survival mechanisms, which have become problematic. Origins of the disorders are examined to direct individual and couple therapy strategies. Of critical importance are the common emotional and psychological roots for both disorders despite their contrasting behavioral manifestations. Difficulties arising from the deep existential anxieties of the disorders both complicate and guide therapeutic intervention. The good girl and bad girl anxiety for female dependency is examined for how it elicits a bad guy role for the frustrated male partner. Passive aggressive strategies for the dependent individual are revealed. The therapist is directed to the deep fragile vulnerability of the histrionic that drives behavior. As a life strategy, it draws at least two types of partners into a skewed relationship. The reward or benefits for the bland partner or the obsessive controlling partner reveal their dysfunctional reciprocal dynamics with a histrionic partner.

Gender and cultural influences are considered for diagnosis and treatment. Tendencies for dependent vs. narcissistic vs. histrionic characteristics caution diagnosis within groups: male and female, business and other mainstream situations, and heterosexual and homosexual communities. The therapist will learn about how male dependency otherwise not culturally supported may express in violent aggression. The book offers strategies for therapy for couples fundamentally shaped by these two personality disorders.

link to Table of Contents

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**Author’s Note: Other than public figures or people identified in the media, all other persons in this book are either composites of individuals the author has worked with and/or have been given different names and had their personal identifying information altered to protect and respect their confidentiality.

Chapter 1: RELATIONSHIP IMBALANCE:

YOU BEFORE ME

When the therapist asks what has been going on, Johann is initially silent. He appears to be trying to restrain himself, but his eyes dart quickly at Minnie. Minnie’s entire posture is submissive as if she is trying to blend into the fabric of the chair she is sitting on. She casts her eyes downward sadly. As the silence persists, Minnie sneaks a furtive glance at Johann. Then she glances quickly at the therapist. There is a desperate appeal in her eyes that the therapist interprets as a cry for help. Finally, Johann sighs deeply and says in a gentle but tired tone, All right, I’ll start… we’ve been together for a long time. We started dating in college… twenty years ago. I had enough of the party girls… I wanted to meet a nice girl. Minnie was so sweet… and she still is very sweet, but she can be so… so over the top with her… sweetness. She’s always super attentive but sometimes, I need a little space. Johann looks quickly at Minnie. She is wringing her hands, eyes cast down, with a stricken look on her face. Damn it, groans Johann, This is what always happens. If I have the smallest criticism… the tiniest complaint about anything, she acts like I’m torturing her. Minnie squeaks in a whisper, I’m sorry. Sorry? Sorry? snaps Johann, What good is ‘sorry’ when you don’t ever change. You couldn’t even let my socks be! You sort them ‘for me’ even though I’ve told you I like them I put them in my drawer. You leave them alone… for a while and then you ‘forget’ and then, you’re ‘sorry’… again! The therapist asks Minnie what Johann is talking about. Minnie doesn’t respond to the urgency Johann has about her pattern of behavior with him. She is either somewhat dense or very adept at avoiding the core issue. His frustration, his needs, her sensitivity, her reaction, and their dynamics are ignored. Instead she professes great apology yet is defensive about Johann’s socks. I’m so stupid. I’m sorry. I thought Johann has to look nice when he goes to work. And, he’s in such a rush in the mornings getting ready. I just thought that having his dark socks separated from his sports socks would be helpful. I’m sorry. I’ll fix it. I’ll switch your socks back to their drawer. Johann replies, I told you before to leave my socks alone… to leave my drawers alone. They work for me the way I have them. Before the words are completely out of his mouth, Johann realizes that he has been co-opted again. They’re talking socks instead of about Minnie and what she does to him. Minnie glances quickly towards the therapist for approval and then implores forgiveness from Johann with her eyes.

Johann rolls his eyes in disgust and defeat. It’s NOT about the god damn socks! It’s about you! With growing resentment evident in his voice, Johann asks the therapist, See what I have to deal with? The pattern of their interactions has been played out in front of the therapist. They are out of balance. Minnie has subverted Johann’s righteous indignation, by being meek and self-deprecating. She does not meet his upset with any upset of her own. She asks meekly for him to tell her what he wants her to do. She’ll do what he asks. She does not ask for Johann for anything. Verbal compliance and apology works to disable him. She seems to give and give without asking or getting anything reciprocal in response. Yet somehow, Johann feels that he has been manipulated… outwitted again. Johann has become increasingly more frustrated as he has become more aware that Minnie has defeated him again. As frustration becomes anger and he snaps at Minnie and glowers at her, he knows he seems to be more and more of an asshole in front of the therapist. If he continues to insist on his issues, when his wife is so deferential and beating up on herself, he looks like… he feels like a jerk. Frustration and anger is further complicated with guilt. Johann started to complain to the therapist about being in trap in the relationship.

ONLY ME

Brandon was in a different trap. Brandon and Hunter have been dating for about half a year. Despite a sense of being stuck in something off, Brandon is ready to take the big step. However, he has not been able to get Hunter to commit to a monogamous relationship, much less engagement and eventually marriage. Was their relationship stuck out of balance? He felt he was much more into her than she was into him. Brandon is a software engineer in an information technology startup that is moving towards an IPO (initial public offering) that should richly reward him for his involvement in building the business. He is in his early thirties. Hunter called herself an actress/performer, but mainly she waits tables at a semi-fancy Italian restaurant. Hunter won’t say how old she is, but although she acts young she is closer to reaching thirty than just leaving twenty. Hunter lit up with a huge smile, a cheery hello, and an exuberant handshake in the waiting room when the therapist came out. She made an entrance into the office with Brandon trailing behind. Hunter immediately praised the décor of the office… and kept the conversation on décor, shifting it shortly to her decorating plans for her apartment.

Within fifteen minutes, it became clear to the therapist that Hunter loved being a performer and is probably histrionic. The therapist’s attention- that is, anyone’s attention just filled her up with energy. In the session, Hunter eagerly described in great detail the new performance art piece that she is doing in a small club in San Francisco. Whenever the therapist’s attention moved away from Hunter, she seemed to lose interest in the interchanges. She even looked off around the room instead of keeping eye contact on the therapist or Brandon. Her body language indicated disconnection whenever she was not attended to. When the therapist interacted with Brandon, Hunter would attempt to bring the conversation and attention back to her in any way possible. Being loud, funny…grandiose facial, hand, and body gestures worked well to draw the attention to her. Hunter acted as if Brandon is competing for the attention of the therapist. When the therapist spoke, it was acceptable only to the extent the communication was directed towards or about her. However, if the therapist spoke to Brandon or Brandon is speaking, Hunter became uncomfortable having lost being the focus of conversation. It may be okay for a short period if Brandon was talking about the Hunter, but it became intolerable to her if the therapist got Brandon to talk about his own experiences. Even when cutting off Brandon’s words, Hunter did it in a charming manner that obscured the fact that it was an