Permanent Shadows

Chapter One

There is no worse feeling than knowing that you tried to help someone you love, only to learn that your presence made things worse.  How do you make things right?  How do you admit to those whom you love that you were wrong?  That the best thing to do would be nothing at all?  It was a type of guilt that Cailin was not used to because in the back of her mind she always wanted to be the savior.  It was a natural feeling; she couldn’t even remember her mother and she was the oldest of four girls.  It was natural for her to feel protective.

Her impulsiveness that once before had landed her in trouble had now made things worse for her family.  Her father was suffering and her sisters no longer knew who to trust.  And yet, she was back with the Ainsleys like before.  Safe and unpunished.  It was a guilt that plagued her for many days even after she had returned.  It was a feeling that reminded her of some of the worst summers in her life when the gnats were so bad that you couldn’t have even a moments respite from their constant presence and maddening buzzing.  This was what guilt was like for her.  That constant nagging, constant nipping, and constant feeling that nothing you did was right and that you could do nothing to improve the situation.

All she could think about was her own father and everything that he had given up to keep her safe.  Ever since she had made it back to Owen and Teague, Cailin often found herself remembering a pair of cruel ice blue eyes shimmering as they watched her father suffer.  What was the reason behind his hatred?  What had happened between them that affected him so much after so many years?  Why would Lennox Moon demand her father’s life force over hers?

No.  I do not desire your life.  I wish to have your father’s, he had said.  Cailin had long believed that this pixi hated her entire family, but she was beginning to see that it may have always been about her father and that she was nothing more than a path to him.

She wished for someone to talk to her about this, but as always her father remained secretive, and of the humans she was staying with one was not forthcoming and the other was ignorant.  There must be a reason that Owen and her father were remaining silent about Lennox Moon’s intentions, and her worrying about it was only adding to the feeling of guilt that dominated her thoughts of late.

Cailin, did you hear what I said? Owen’s voice interrupted her thoughts.

She turned her attention to the human, frowning because Owen Ainsley was one of the reasons that she was so confused.  Owen was kind, wise, and understanding, but he was also just as tight-lipped as her father.  At times, he seemed to know and understand more about the pixi world than she did.  His close relationship with her father was another mystery that neither of them felt the need to fully explain to her.

Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, the foot-tall pixi tried to focus.  Why do I have to move from my own room?  Where am I going to stay while she’s here?

Owen rolled his eyes; this was the fourth such conversation in the past few days, but it was hard to blame the girl for being forgetful – there was so much on her mind and so much she didn’t know.  You can’t sleep in your usual room because that’s where Mac is going to stay.

"Mac?" Cailin groaned, saying the girl’s name as though it was the source of all her problems.

MacKenzie? Owen tried.  Cailin, we talked about this several times.

I’m sorry, Cailin muttered.  I’m still worried about my father.

Owen lowered his eyes, entwining the fingers of his hands across his lap.  Yes.  On the plus side, I haven’t heard too much about it.  We can only assume that he’s okay.

Is this the part where I’m supposed to trust you? Cailin said.  After all of this, do you still think that I’m going to believe everything you say after you lied to me?

I didn’t lie—

Whatever you want to call it, it was dishonest, Owen, Cailin interrupted.  I don’t want to get into it.  Explain to me again why I can’t stay in Teague’s room?

Owen pursed his lips, trying to maintain his composure.  Again, he tried to put himself in Cailin’s small but heavy black boots in order to remind himself how hard this must be for her.  She had just recently returned from ‘visiting’ her clan, having escaped punishment in the Darkness by her father’s sacrifice of fifty years of his life.  Sighing heavily, he recalled his son’s hasty decision.   It certainly wasn’t helping matters.

MacKenzie Howard, his son’s ex-girlfriend, would be spending a few days in their house during that time and Cailin would have to hide.  Owen wished that his small cottage had a basement so the pixi could have a private place, but the small, older home did not have one.

We can’t risk it, Cailin.  MacKenzie will be staying with us for the next few days.  This is a small house; she’ll be in Teague’s room, the living room, the kitchen and your room.  There’s only one place where she won’t go and that’s…

Your room, Cailin said, her voice sounding dejected.  I get it.

I know this is tough for you, Owen said gently.

I asked for it, didn’t I?  I was the one who told Teague to call that girl.

It’s only for a few days.  It’ll be over before you know it, Teague’s voice added from the doorway, a half-full glass in his hand.

Both Cailin and Owen stared at the beverage inside.  It would be nice to assume that it was water, but they knew better.  Cailin’s arrival a few weeks ago had brought his drinking to an abrupt stop, but he was already starting to drink more again.  It helped him sleep, he would explain when confronted about it.  Actually, he still felt terrible about what had happened to Cailin, and he believed that he gad been the cause of it.  Alcohol calmed his nerves, but it was only temporary.

Are you sure that you need that right now? Owen carefully asked his son as he took a heavy drink from the glass, downing the contents in one motion.

I’m fine, he grumbled, stroking the hair that covered his eyes.  "It sucks, Cailin, but you were the one who said you were leaving forever.  You were the one who told me to call Mac and you were the one who told me to invite her.  What’s done is done," he said, his voice beginning to slur slightly.  He hated saying those words, but he couldn’t show Cailin how upset he was.  After a few tries, he heavily set the empty glass down on a flat surface next to him and leaned carefully against a nearby doorframe.

Cailin’s already pale face blanched at the bluntness of his statement.  She narrowed her eyes at the empty glass, staring at the few drops trickling down the side.  That’s not the only reason I’m upset.  It’s not always about you, Teague.  I have no idea if my father has recovered or if he’s lying in bed, struggling to stay alive.  I haven’t seen a single pixi since I’ve come back.  I thought that someone would come and tell me how he’s doing at least.

You are allowed to be upset, Cailin, Owen added with a frown in Teague’s direction.  If only his son would think once in a while.  It was only after Cailin had returned that Owen realized he should have tried to retract his son’s half-baked invitation to Mackenzie.  A timely phone call could have fixed things, but as Teague had said, what’s done is done.  Owen still wanted to believe in his son.  There was nothing that Owen wanted more than to believe that Teague wouldn’t continue to act rashly.  It was obvious to him that Teague really cared about the tiny pixi woman living in their home.  He needed to grow up.

Dad, stop being so quiet, Teague muttered.  Did you guys learn sign language or something?

Maybe you should lay off the drinking, Cailin said sharply.

I’m not drinking, he said, sounding bitter.  "I had a drink, Cailin.  I know you don’t think about it, but there are things that I’m upset about too."

Teague, Owen warned.  Stop while you’re ahead.

Ahead of what? Teague asked.  His hand slowly groped towards the glass he had put down earlier.  There are things that are bothering me too.

How will vodka solve that? Owen asked.

Teague sloppily waved him off.  You weren’t the one who let her go, he said.  Let her leave with that stranger and it would have been entirely my fault if anything had happened to her.  He paused for a moment, trying to remember where Cailin was.  If anything had happened to you, he said in a clearer voice.

Teague, it’s okay, Cailin said, trying to calm him, if for no other reason than she didn’t want him to drink any more.  He had practically been an alcoholic when she had first arrived but had stopped almost immediately after she moved in.  For a time.  He had slipped the night she revealed herself to him and again the following day when she left.  Now since she had returned he was starting to pick up old habits.

Cailin watched Teague’s head turn in the direction of the refrigerator where the liquor was kept.

She knew that these past few months had been really hard on the humans she was staying with.  A baseball accident had left Teague blind and there did not seem to be any chance of him getting his sight back, barring a miracle.  Owen had hoped that his old pixi friend – and Cailin’s father – Nolkrin could have been that miracle.  When Owen had saved his life when he was younger, Nolkrin had promised Owen any favor that he needed at one time in his life that could not be refused.  As his son became increasingly unable to cope with the loss of his sight, he made a decision to call in that favor.

Nolkrin had agreed to help, but certainly not in the way that Owen was expecting.  The pixi’s eldest daughter Cailin was being subjected to judgment that day, and unless he was able to come up with an alternative, his daughter would be sent to the Darkness just as his wife had years ago.  Owen had agreed to let the girl stay in his home for the next year to help Teague out and in the process save her from the Darkness, but he hadn’t known what to expect.  Pixis were a small race, and Nolkrin was certainly no exception standing only six inches tall.  Cailin was twice her father’s size but that distinction didn’t seem like much when compared to his six-foot plus athletic son.  What could this tiny girl possibly do to help him?

Cailin had sassed him.

She had challenged him.

Cailin was rude to him.

She also began to care for him.

They had started out like two prisoners forced to share a cell, but had come to trust each other much more quickly than Owen expected.  Cailin had even revealed to Teague that she was a pixi after only a few weeks.

Owen had hoped that Cailin would open up to his son and become his friend, but he had not expected it to happen so quickly.  He never imagined that the two of them would become so close.  It was baffling to think that his son could care for someone so quickly without seeing her face – except for that weirdness that Teague had explained.  According to him, when he touched Cailin, he could see her in his mind.

This was the oddest thing of all.  Owen checked and double-checked his memory and the few ancient texts he had to find if there was anything that could explain it, but he could find nothing.  He needed to speak with Nolkrin on the matter, but recent events made contacting him a near impossibility.  Cailin wasn’t the only one who was anxious to know how he was doing, but Owen couldn’t let Cailin know how concerned he was.  If Cailin knew how worried he was she would probably end up doing something rash again.  Hopefully Nolkrin would contact him soon.  He had already modified his wards in a way that should allow Nolkrin to pass onto his property.

There’s no reason for me to put on a big smile and act like I’m okay with this, Cailin continued to complain.

No one’s asking you to, Teague said, reluctantly leaving his glass and slowly walking towards the couch in the living room.  He found his seat, and as he sat down he heard Cailin shifting uncomfortably next to him.  She hated to lie and would often talk her way around subjects that she didn’t want to reveal the truth about.

Teague respected her for that.

Cailin had helped him through a difficult part of his life.  She had helped him deal with his disability which had made it easier for him to stop drinking so much.

By the way, where had he left his glass?  Swallowing, he found that his mouth suddenly felt drier than usual.  He cleared his throat, feeling Cailin’s pink eyes on him.

Owen also watched him with concern before turning to look at the clock.  Six o’clock.  I’m not staying in tonight, he said.

You’ve been going out a lot, Cailin said.  It would be nice if you were here more so we could talk.  I have things that I need to ask you.

Yeah dad, it’s not cool to go to bars at your age, Teague said.

I’m behind on some work at the school, Owen muttered.  He knew that Cailin was becoming suspicious of him; she had to be.  The girl was sharp like her mother had been.

"Can’t you do that here?" Cailin asked angrily, but Owen was already at the door grabbing his coat.

Cailin, he said, ignoring her outburst.  I want your things in my room by the time I get back.  Owen turned his attention back to Teague.  What time is MacKenzie coming tomorrow?

Around noon, Teague answered, hoping that Cailin couldn’t see his poorly-hidden grin.

Please try not to get into trouble while I’m gone, Owen said, closing the door behind him.  He paused for a moment and opened the door again.  And absolutely no strangers in the house.

Teague looked stung but he didn’t say anything.

Owen walked to the car, his mind busy.  Since Cailin had come back he could feel a change in the air that he couldn’t explain.  He needed help and there was someone whom he had been desperate to speak to.  There were so many questions he had of his own, questions that even after years of training and practice he could not begin to answer.

Chapter Two

Something’s going on, Cailin said after she heard the sound of Owen’s car crunching across the stones in their driveway.  Owen is acting strangely.  She stole a look at Teague who seemed to be trapped inside his mind.  Teague? she tried again.  Don’t you think?

"Do I think that my father is strange? Teague mused.  Let me think about that for a moment."  He lifted his hand up to his chin, giving the impression of being deep in thought.

Hilarious, Cailin said, trying to suppress a grin.  But seriously—

Isn’t something always up?

That’s true, Cailin answered.  I still wish I knew where he was going.  Your dad seems to know more about my family than I do and yet he won’t tell me anything.  Everyone is trying to keep me in a bubble, but I want to help.  I don’t want to be treated like a child who must be kept ignorant of their family’s dark past.

"Dark past?  Is that really what you think this is about? Teague asked.  You said a few days ago that you were sure that this Lennox guy really hates your father, not you.  Do you still believe that?"

I believe that there is more to my father’s relationship with your father and Lennox than I thought, Cailin muttered, still thinking about Owen and his constant and unexplained disappearances.  What exactly does your father do again?

Do?

His job, Cailin said.  Humans have jobs.  I know that much.  What is your father’s?

He works at the local University of Maine branch as a librarian.  Teague paused.  "You do know what that is, don’t you?"

I know what a damn library is! Cailin said sharply.  We have a library at my home too.

Sorry, I wanted to make sure.  But yeah, he works over at the school.

I’ll ask him what he’s up to when he gets back, Cailin said.

Teague shrugged.  Go for it.  He’s gone for now, though.  How about we unwind for a little bit?  I know these past few days have been pretty hard on you—

Teague, I don’t want to drink.

I didn’t suggest drinking, Teague said, hurt by her accusation.  What I mean is we have the house to ourselves.  This is probably the last time I’m going to see you for several days.

I’m sure that you’re okay with that, Cailin said.

Teague winced.  Is that really what she thought?  I know you think that I’m all excited about hanging out with her because we used to go out, but I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t interested in her anymore.  Not like that anyway.  I just really want to talk to someone from my old life and I feel terrible because the timing was so bad.

Whose fault is that? Cailin said, trying not to think about it.

Teague hadn’t felt right about her leaving with that twitchy pixi and she hadn’t listened to him.  Perhaps things would have turned out differently if she had.  Instead of starting an argument, Cailin simply nodded, and scooted a bit closer to him.  These past few days she had found herself trying to be near him as often as she could.  For some reason being near Teague took away the painful memories of her father’s suffering.  It amazed her that she used to be so frightened of him.  She was now able to snicker about the first time they had met, but Teague hadn’t exactly been excited about the idea of her being in their home.

During those first few days Teague had been constantly drunk, belligerent, and bitter, but it was his sheer size that Cailin had found the most intimidating.  Cailin was tall for a pixi, standing a full twelve inches, but that didn’t count for much when she stood in Teague’s six-and-a half foot-tall shadow.  She had been hesitant to speak to him at first, had been careful about her movements and kept a close eye on this enormous, blind, and clumsy person.  Eventually she became used to him, but she still didn’t tell him that she was a pixi.  Teague was suspicious since their first meeting.  He knew there was something different about the girl who was staying in their home.

It took several weeks, but Cailin finally mustered the courage to reveal herself.  She allowed Teague to touch her one night after they had been drinking.  It had not gone well.  Teague accused her of ‘messing with him’ and ran away from her.  Cailin was surprised and hurt.  Later that night when Owen explained things to him, Teague had been more sober and surprisingly receptive.  He had apologized to Cailin and told her what his father had said, and then things…she didn’t want to think about it now.  It was still too fresh in her mind.

As Cailin sat and thought, her eyes kept darting to the empty glass.  Maybe she was worrying too much, but she hated the idea of Teague drinking again.  He had been a roaring alcoholic when she first met him, so even an occasional drink was something that caught her attention.  His ex-girlfriend was coming tomorrow and she could tell that Teague was nervous.  When he was nervous, he liked to drink.

I don’t want you to start drinking like you used to, she said in a low voice.  She thought about resting a hand on his knee, but she paused when she heard Teague clear his throat noisily again.

He was restless.

Stop worrying, Teague said.  I’m not going to drink like that.

Good.  She turned and looked up at him.  He looked earnest enough.  What makes you think that I’m worrying?

I can tell, he said, wondering if saying that she smelled nervous would be appropriate.  Lately his other senses had been growing in strength, especially his sense of smell.  Teague knew that she had a different scent for each emotion:  fear, nervousness, hesitation, anger, frustration, confusion, even desire – but he hadn’t told her about it yet.  He wondered if it meant anything or if it was all in his head.

Teague paused briefly to take in her scent again – it told him more than her face would have.  She was probably thinking about her father and the years of life he had given up for her.  She was also worried about Mac coming.  Her scent was weird to him, but the balance of the aroma of pine and cloves led him to believe that he was right.

You’re right, Cailin said in a low voice.  I am worrying.  I think I have a right to and it’s not only about my father and your father’s antics.  I hate the idea of someone else being in the house.

Teague frowned and started to reach about the couch close to him.  When his hands found Cailin’s shoulders he pulled her closer, hoping that he could calm her worries at least for a little while.  You will have more opportunities to talk to my dad, he said, his brain starting to feel less hazy.  Maybe one more drink wouldn’t hurt.  It would help him fall asleep.

I guess that’s one way of looking at it, Cailin muttered.

Despite his excitement to see Mac again, Teague felt horrible about inviting her in the first place.  When Cailin had left him, he had been sure that he would never see her again.  He needed to ‘see’ someone who reminded him of the life he had before he lost his sight.  Teague still wished that he could have waited.  Cailin needed him now; she hadn’t been the same since she returned from trying to save her sister, and how could she be expected to?  Her father had given up fifty years of his own life to spare Cailin the punishment of breaking her Oath to him.  There were things about Cailin that Mac could never live up to.  Mac was beautiful, but Teague wasn’t sure if she was as strong as Cailin –  who was brave, strong, magical, and driven to keep her family safe.  It was this strength that made her so special.

Worrying won’t change anything, Teague tried gently.  My dad will let us know if anything else has happened to your father or your family.

Like he did before, Cailin quipped sarcastically.

"I think dad knows not to keep secrets from you – at least I hope does.  As far as your own dad goes, he knew what he was doing when he made that sacrifice."  Teague felt her nod against him.

I appreciate you saying that, but you know that’s not the only thing that I’m worried about, Teague.

He felt a shudder pass through Cailin’s small shoulders as a trace of jealousy found his nose.  He couldn’t blame her for feeling this way.  Though Cailin rarely spoke about how fond she was of Teague, he knew how she felt.  But what Cailin didn’t know was how his life had been before his accident.

At times, that part of his life didn’t seem real to him anymore.

Hey, sit up for a second, Teague said, feeling her reluctantly pull away from his body.  Carefully, he laid lengthwise on the couch, stretching out his long legs and tucking one arm behind his head.  He wanted to be close to her, closer than sitting next to her.  He patted his chest with his other hand.  Come here.

Cailin was relieved that Teague couldn’t see her reaction.  "What?"

Teague smiled, trying to imagine her slightly embarrassed face.  It’s our last time together for a few days.  Sit with me.

You mean sit on you?  Cailin flushed at the idea of crawling on him.  He was large, even for a human, and he was attractive.  His hair was as dark as a moose’s pelt, a color matched by his eyes.  His skin was smooth now – he was lately able to use a razor again without cutting himself – and his features were sharp, almost pixi-like.  He smelled slightly earthy, a scent which reminded her of the forest floor.  She enjoyed this new scent.

Carefully, she scaled his thigh and crawled up on his stomach.  The sensation tickled Teague, and his chuckle caused Cailin to stagger.

Sorry, he said, sometimes I forget how small you are.

Small or not, I’m still strong enough to beat you up if you don’t cut it out, she laughed, knowing that it wasn’t an empty threat.  In a tough situation Cailin would be more than able to handle herself with any human, even one as big as Teague.

Teague laughed loudly and smiled broadly.  I very much doubt that, gorgeous.  Blind or not, I’m no pushover.

She flushed when he called her that word.  Gorgeous.  It still caught her off-guard.  I’m sure that you’re not but you really don’t want to mess with me…human, she said, resisting the urge