Birdbrain: Go Ahead. Love Your Planet. Just Not Too Much.

Voigt

Chapter 1

Ellie watched as Eddie’s hamburger patty hit the kitchen floor. She stared at it, noticing how symmetrically it landed, forming a kind of beef snowflake.

Huh? she yelled, still staring at the hamburger, now fused to the linoleum.

No onions this time, babe. Heartburn last time, god-damn-it.

Onions? she hollered.

I said NO ONIONS. He was coming towards the kitchen. Seconds before Eddie reached the kitchen, grinding ground beef into her fingernails, she quickly decoupled the snowflake from the floor and slapped the whole (now very asymmetrical) mess into the pan.

You get that baby? he asked, a K-mart sale tabloid on the counter, catching his eye.

Yea. No god-damn onions. Got it. Ellie turned toward him wearing an expression between contempt and a smile.

Eddie made sure she saw him grimace as he picked up the TV Guide from the counter and wandered back into the living room. He hated it when she cussed. He thought she was too crude sometimes; he explained one night when they were in bed that he didn’t want to be around a woman that talks like the assholes he works with.

I want you to just be a woman, he said to her. It confused her. She wasn’t quite sure what that meant but she tried to quit cussing as much. She was sitting in the chair behind the couch again while he was watching television. He was munching away on the hamburger that unbeknownst to him, had just wiped-up part of the kitchen floor. Ellie was disturbed she wasn’t disturbed as she watched him devour it. He dripped ketchup on the couch when he got up to change the channel. She noted it was time to trim her toenails. She went into the bedroom. Lying on the bed, as she had so many times before, she gazed at the sugar maple tree with the crooked branch growing outside their bedroom window. She tracked her life with the tree; the tree was living the far more interesting life of the two of them. It was May and the maple was almost completely leaved-out with its big greeny-green leaves. They were so fresh looking. Gazing at this tree, she could eventually fall asleep.

It was during yet another church meeting when she knew she was ready to tell Eddie she had decided. He came home, opened his can of beer, picked up the paper, and turned on the TV. She sat in the chair behind the couch for awhile; then she got up, stood in front of the television set and said this:

Eddie, this same old scene makes me sick…Eddie?

He reached over, put his hands on her waist, and gently moved her sideways out of the way.

Eddie? Finally, she said this: God-damn it Eddie I want a divorce…God-damn-it.

But the timing was all wrong because Eddie was entranced with some new blue jeans commercial and didn’t hear a whole lot of what Ellowyn said.

Then she tried this: Eddie, I can’t stand this god-damned bullshit anymore. I sit at home, wait for Patty to call, or go to those stupid god-damned church meetings where Ethel Stiles HAS to relay every detail of her daughter-in-law’s eczema battles and…I am ALWAYS waiting for you Eddie…always…waiting. Ellie felt her voice breaking. My God, she was going to cry.

Eddie, I want a god damned divorce and this time I MEAN IT.

Eddie heard it this time and turned his head toward her, his forehead crinkled as if she’d gone mad.

That’s right Eddie. I want out, okay? I want out of this house, this life, your life…shit, what life?

Eddie stood up and looked at her.

Yea, yea, you heard me. I, I…want a divorce. The big D.

Eddie didn’t or couldn’t say anything for a few minutes. He just stood stone straight looking at her. She couldn’t tell if he was in shock, pleased, hurt?

And then he spoke and said this: Shit Ellowyn. God-damn your language first of all, and second of all, you don’t and won’t tell me you want a divorce TODAY, do you hear me? You don’t tell a man something like this when the man has had a day as shitty as the one I have had, is that clear? Ellowyn, today Earl roofed over where a sky-light on a $385,000 house was supposed to go and, trust me, it’s a big god-damn skylight and the owners are coming to look at their $385,000 house in two days and that means I got two days to get my ass out of a sling. Is this clear? Does this sound like a major fuck-up to you? Does it? Does it sound like I’ve had a nice day? Does it sound like I NEED to hear about you wanting a god-damn divorce? Does it? No, Ellowyn. It does not sound like a good day for you to want a divorce. So, you will not and do not want a divorce today. Is that clear?

Ellowyn slunk back feeling that same old sympathy for Eddie she felt the first second she met him. She felt sorry for him right away and it had never stopped. Now she felt sorry for him again and on top of that, she felt guilty. She walked into the bedroom and stared at the brown suitcases she pictured herself packing earlier in the day. Instead, she took her familiar position on the bed and gazed out the window at her crooked tree. She gazed for a long time, all the while the television blaring.

If he could fuck the TV, he would, she thought.

Three months later on an oppressively hot and humid day, Ellowyn was still sitting in the chair behind the couch watching Eddie watching TV. At least four fans were blowing in various directions and trajectories all meant to maximize air flow according to Eddie. She didn’t cuss anymore, at least as much. It didn’t matter because she had already packed the brown suitcases, two boxes of towels and dishes, a box of papers and books, and most importantly, Stewart’s dog food, bed, and bowls. It was all in her truck. While Eddie ‘fucked’ the television, Ellie walked behind the couch, between the chairs, onto the front porch, through the gate, and into her truck where Stewart, her collie mutt from the pound, stared straight ahead as if ready to go himself. She had left Eddie a note telling him that she’d be contacting a lawyer in the next few weeks. She didn’t know any lawyers but it seemed like the thing to write. Everyone on television did this. Oddly, she was finally leaving because she got the date wrong for a church picnic. Wearing the coolest sun dress she owned and sandals, she showed up at the picnic shelter at The Wendell County Park with her picnic basket. There was a group of khaki-laden people waiting there she didn’t recognize and instead of holding Bibles, they were holding binoculars. They were part of the local birding club.

As they unpacked their picnic baskets, they asked Ellie if she was there to join them. She said no and explained herself, then they explained themselves, and once again asked her if she cared to join them. She commented that she was afraid she was not dressed appropriately (in her flowered sundress, she was definitely sans khaki). They replied that the trails they would be on were very flat and mild. She would be fine. Then she said yes and opened up her picnic basket offering them Eddie’s dinner: fried chicken, potato salad, rolls, and chocolate chip cookies. One of them, a graceful petite elderly woman with a beautiful silver braided roll on the back of her head offered Ellowyn an extra pair of binoculars. Her name was Lois.

Here you go honey, she said sweetly, her eyes smiling. She had a wide smile for such a delicate face. Ellie was thrilled to be doing something different with these strange nice people who run along behind birds all day.

While everyone knew the cardinal and the blue jay, never in her life had she realized that she shared her home with birds with names like indigo bunting, American goldfinch, nuthatch, scarlet tanager, and the creeper. (Look, it’s a creeper!). What names they have! Like something out of Dr. Seuss! She recognized many of these birds as ones she shared a lonely kinship with whenever she would look out her bedroom window but I never knew their names, she exclaimed.

They watched a female eastern bluebird repairing her nest. She lifted herself from the nest, hung suspended in the air for just a second, then landed gracefully on the ground. Then the male took over with the nest, finishing up what she started. Then he landed lightly on the ground next to her where he ‘spoke’ to her in a soft liquid melodious voice. As if looking-in on an intimate moment between two lovers, the humans became respectfully silent. Stunned by the tears forming in her eyes, Ellie lowered the binoculars to her breast. Lois smiled.

After they left, Ellie sat in her truck for a long time—heaving, releasing tears and more tears. She felt hot. Was she going to hyperventilate she wondered? What the hell? She knew what it was about. She had always known and now the simple grace and abiding love between two bluebirds (they must love, she thought) had sent her into her own heart and it was empty.

A couple evenings later, she wrote a few checks on basically, what was Eddie’s checking account. He’d give her $40 a week spending money. The checkbook was for groceries. She wrote a check for $2,000. Eddie would shit but she didn’t care anymore. This would be enough to get a new place, some food, so she could get a job. Maybe she’d even buy a pair of binoculars and one of those field guides.

Birds--flight--freedom! She had always loved birds! It all made sense! She placed great symbolic significance on getting the date wrong in her empty routine life and as a result, finding her freedom. The Lord works in damn mysterious ways, she said to herself as she drove towards Patty’s house.

She felt thankful she and Eddie never had children though Stewart was practically their kid. She had been bothering Eddie about having kids for months. He smokes too many damn cigarettes anyway. He’s sterile, she’d think after they’d make love. Eddie would grunt and lurch up a little, then fall asleep. Maybe he knew something I didn’t, she thought to herself.

Now here she was, sitting in her little red pick-up truck; the one Eddie bought her years before. Here I am, she thought, cruising away from my husband in the little truck he bought for me. Maybe he knew I’d need it someday for this very purpose. Stewart stared straight ahead. Ellie was glad he didn’t know he was being kidnapped. She looked across the cab, bubbled-up some tears, and blurted out something incoherent to him. Ellie grabbed his neck and kissed him. Stewart licked her face, whined a little (because he wanted out to pee), then sat, once again, staring through the windshield--straight ahead.

Ellie was on her way to her best friend’s house. Ellie had known Patty forever-long before she got married to Eddie. When Ellie called Patty to ask her for refuge, Patty said, it’s about time, girl. I knew it, but damn you took your time leaving that loser. She was in automatic pilot. She pressed the accelerator to the floor and watched as the truck responded. This was all she wanted--the truck needed to go the direction she was heading and right now, it was heading towards her best friend and this definitely wasn’t Eddie. She looked across the cab at Stewart, tears forming in her eyes like clouds. You don’t even know, she said wiping her auburn hair from her green eyes. Ellie wondered if there would be a custody battle over Stewart.

Her hair was straight but radically curled on the ends. Your Dad’s side got in there but just at the end, Ellie’s mother, Marilyn, would quip about Ellie’s hair. Eddie noticed Ellie’s hair before he noticed anything else about her. She had her back to him. Her hair was illuminated by the sun. He told Ellie he already knew she was beautiful but when she turned around, this was when he knew. What he knew, Ellie could not say anymore. He knew he found a stooge? A sucker? A housewife who would sit at home all day for him bored out of her beautiful auburn-haired skull?

I should have dyed it green, she thought like one of those punk rockers.

She could feel the turbines of her brain slowly turning. Her heart was pumping so hard, she put her hand on her chest to push it back in. She was really doing it. She was leaving Eddie. She was trying hard not to let her emotions get caught up in the turbines. The turbines were all about action, escape, survival, desperation; and right now they were turning from sheer instinct but in time, the force of her emotions would slam against them and knock them out of their revolutions.

As she drove past so many familiar sights in her town, she asked herself when was the last time I really felt anything? Did she have real feelings anymore or had Eddie trained her in submergence? She would offer up a genuine response to him, a real observation, genuine affection. He would scratch the top of his head like the proverbial monkey and ask her to get him a beer. Then she would shut-down again--put her sensitive soul back in the refrigerator as she reached for his beer. Is it possible for someone to be shut-down for years? Numb but still functional? Numb, functional, and married. She wondered if people could get so numb, they die.

She thought about how strange it was that birds, birds with Dr. Seuss names, were saving her life--the impetus for her to be driving across town to a friend’s house in order to sack six years of her life. What was it, exactly, about watching those birds? Where in that experience was the nexus between simple observation and epiphany?

Shit, she said out loud. Stewart was watching Ellie now, as if he could not take his eyes off of her lest she pull some stunt.

What will I do? she thought.

She thought about her Associates Degree in Library Science. She had never been able to compete against people that had big degrees. One of the guys that applied for the same job she applied for at the county library had a Ph.D. in library science. She couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out why in the hell you’d need to go to school for 6-7 years to work in a library. She told this to the interview committee.

Oddly enough, she came in second to the guy with the Ph.D. She never used the degree.

Eddie had used his Associates degree in Small Business Management to start his roofing business and that was that. Now, years later, he had a good income and she had nothing. She had met him her last quarter of school and this is what ruined it all. She went from school to the new house and the wedding ring and sh-bam, end of life, right there, and not even a kid to show for it. Marrying Eddie wasn’t supposed to be the end of anything. In the meantime her sister, Elizabeth (Liz), had gone off on some big adventure to California where she lived with her boyfriend in a nice house and worked for some kind of biotech company.

I don’t know how to do anything, she told Patty that night while they drank beer.

You know how to do SOMETHIN’! You left Eddie! There is SOME potential, Patty relayed, approvingly.

Chapter 2

Patty decided they needed to get away. They would go to Shadow Lake for the weekend.

Call your mother. She will find you a lawyer next week then let’s go.

Patty was about to lose her job and Ellie was about to lose her husband.

Despite Patty’s insistence not to, Ellie dutifully left a message on (now) Eddie’s answering machine.

Hey Eddie. I’ve left in case you are still in front of the television set. I’m serious Eddie. I have left you for good. I want a divorce. She hesitated then said, my, uhm, lawyer will be in touch.

They packed too much but they did not really know how long they would be gone--both on the verge of major life losses.

What’s there to get back home for? Patty asked. I’m only going to get fired so no big rush.

They also packed much of the booze Ellie had scarfed’ before leaving home. She left the best scotch whiskey since Eddie needed this sometimes on really bad days; like when Earl roofed over where the skylight was supposed to go on that $385,000 house. She figured this was the least she could do.

Patty was intrigued and annoyed by Ellie’s new found obsession with birds. What’s that? Binoculars? You’re going to look through them while I drive? Patty asked completely baffled.

We have a few hours for me to explain, Ellie said with her nose deep in her new field guide as if it was a dirty novel.

They stopped three times and each time Ellie would fixate on a clump of skittering brown things. As they sat in the car next to an open field, Ellie tried to catch every moving thing in her new binoculars.

I don’t get this thing you have with birds all of a sudden. You left Eddie after looking at birds? I’d love to be before the judge when you tell him this, she scoffed.

I didn’t LEAVE EDDIE OVER BIRDS, Ellie said, indignant. Patty was always so damn literal about everything.

First of all, I have always loved birds, nature, my garden…you know that Patty. I just realized I wanted to fly too. I was in a cage Patty. I was in a god-damned cage. Ellie started to cry.

I know, Patty said. I know baby. Patty reached across the car and fingered Ellie’s hair. They embraced. Ellie knew the emotion could incapacitate her so she abruptly moved the binoculars back over her eyes.

House sparrows and house finches. Shit.

What’s a matter with ‘em? Patty asked after Ellie said this one too many times.

Ellie hesitated. Well, they’re like…well, aliens or something. They came over from another country, and now they’re taking over.

What do you mean they came over from another country? What? They all got together and decided they could make higher wages and a better life for themselves here, so they all just flew over? Patty chuckled.

Patty. No. Ellie laughed. Humans brought some of them over, like, the house sparrow. It was brought over from Europe, like, 100 years ago or something. It’s called the English sparrow. Then they compete with our birds here. They’re like weeds. Like the equivalent of dandelions. Weedbirds.

Yea, now that you mention it, I see a lot of them around town. But aren’t some birds, any birds, better than no birds? It seems to me there are a lot fewer birds than when we were little. Maybe I just noticed them more when I was little.

There’s fewer of everything now and more of us. Think about it. Where there was one Eddie, now there’s two…God, where did I come up with that?

Where did you come up with that, and shudder at the thought. But of course you’re thinking about Eddie. He’s been your husband for six years and you just left him.

I am thinking about Eddie.

Look at your bird book, Patty directed, speeding up.

Patty reached the limit of her already limited patience at bird stop 4. She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel while Ellie peered at what she excitedly declared was a hairy woodpecker.

When Ellie lowered her binoculars, she noticed an elderly man lingering nearby. He asked her what cha’ looking at? Ellie was pleased to find out the man was also a birdwatcher. She told him she was just starting but loved it. He gave her his name and phone number. He was a member of the Merrill County Audubon Society. Patty watched this exchange with some amusement.

Come on over to a Merrill County bird meeting sometime. We’re a little bigger than your group and we have some very interesting speakers.

Ellie wrote his name down while Patty decided to clean out the glove compartment. Done with this, Patty watched the two of them chatting. Ellie was obviously thrilled.

Ok. That’s enough, Patty said sticking her head out of the car window and yelling for Ellie to hurry up. She could look at birds anywhere, or almost anywhere.

Within seconds of Ellie getting back in the car, Patty teased, you’re not wasting any time are ya’? Got yourself a new old bird, do ya’?

Oh shut up Patty, Ellie said fingering through her bird book again.

They had a close call. They almost killed a large piece of carpet but they didn’t realize it until they stopped to look. Ellie screamed, Patty swerved, and now they both felt stupid staring down at what had been called a dead dog, a dead horse, a dead cow or even a dead body.

Ellie laughed while Patty shook her head disgustedly. We nearly killed ourselves over this. They hauled it out of the road while Stewart peed and shook off the potential tragedy. Patty slapped Ellie on the back and told her that God was trying to get them to stop taking life so seriously. Ellie was skeptical.

The day at the lake was glorious. The kind that could have been designed; by who, they weren’t sure but they were grateful. The clouds looked dream-like to Ellie and Patty even noted the lazy flight of a gull.

Ellie was beside herself with frustration as they walked along the shore of the lake because she couldn’t identify any of the birds. With every rise of the binoculars Patty heard, shit…what the hell? Damn. (Insert Ellie fingering through her bird book) Is that a semipalmated…no that’s a least? Shit, I can’t…what was that? Shit.

Exasperated, Patty broke into a zig-zaggy’ run while yelling and frantically waving her arms, Stewart trotting behind her. This quickly extinguished all signs of bird. Patty turned around and stuck her tongue out at Ellie.

Patty. Damn-it. Why did you have to do that? Ellie stamped her feet into the sand. This means a lot to me now. There could’ve been-

Ellowyn, Patty said wrapping her arm around Ellie’s shoulder and moving her forward, remember when you and I would come to the lake, and well, just being here made us happy? Now here you are all frustrated and angry ‘cause you can’t identify some little brown birds. If I would have known…well, I would have suggested you stay home. You’re not supposed to be frustrated today. God, of all things!

Ellie swung around and noticed a truck like hers on a nearby dirt road. It was lurching forward, as if on its last wheels. With this came a sudden flashback.

It was a few months before. Eddie was supposed to pick her up and take her with him to Matt Gentry’s where he and Matt would work on her truck. She was excited to see Eddie in the middle of the day. She had showered and put a little spray of baby’s breath in her barrette. She felt sexy, striking. She positioned herself on the front steps so Eddie would see her when he pulled in; but Eddie never showed. Turns out he called Matt to say he couldn’t make it but he never called her. That night he said it was an emergency call on a job but she was too hurt this time.

You can’t even keep a commitment to help me get my damn truck fixed. What the hell’s so hard about stuff where I’m concerned, Eddie? she would plead to his back as he walked out of the bedroom that night.

Watching the red truck limp out of sight, she wondered how she could love him and hate him at the same time; but isn’t this all human relationships?

Bastard, Ellie said out loud.

Who are you--? Oh, of course. Eddie, Patty said spinning around in the sand.

You know the only time you really cuss is when you’re talking about Eddie.

Well my language should clean-up real well then.

We’ll see! Patty laughed.

The weekend people were not there yet so the beach was nearly empty. Patty spread out the same blanket they had been using for years. There was a wine stain in the northwest corner, a chocolate stain in the middle, and a hole starting down south. Stewart immediately selected the northeast corner of the blanket. Ellie looked at it thinking they needed a new one. She crossed her legs and looked to the horizon. She lay down and closed her eyes. Just like a little kiss, a cool zephyr caressed her face. She fell asleep as Patty was opining about her own pending doom. The last thing she said to Patty was she couldn’t understand why Patty hadn’t cried yet.

When she awoke, there was a bottle of champagne poking its head out of a toy sand bucket, a beach flower of some sort lying next to it, and a note held down by a little beach stone that said Stewart and me are walking towards Scampers Bay. Come find us or wait. We need to celebrate. P.

Ellie lay on her side for a long time, lulled into that dreamy state a beach can lull one into. She was surprised to see tiny wells forming in the sand. My God. I’m crying. Am I crying or are my eyes just watering? She sat up and pulled the champagne out of the bucket. It wasn’t cheap champagne. It must have cost Patty at least ten dollars. Dear Patty. Dear, dear Patty. What do people without friends do when life is hard for them? Where do they go? She wondered. She could not sit and cry. She got up and walked through some tall grasses and dunes. Once over a sandy rise, she saw a little marsh. She walked to the edge of it.

Suddenly there was an explosion of brown and white. Ellie gasped. She looked up to see a chunky bird with an extraordinarily long bill, white stomach, and a short orange (or was it red?) tail flying in erratic circles around her all the while releasing a loud sharp rasp; but more incredible was a sound that seemed to be coming from…its wings? She couldn’t figure it out. It whirred around her in frenzy.

Wow! I think it’s pissed, whatever it is," she scientifically observed.

In a similar explosion of activity, Ellie attempted to run-ski downhill through the sand, barely avoiding a face plant, to grab her binoculars that were, unfortunately, sitting all alone on the blanket. Once she had the binoculars of course then she could not get any traction running up-sand’ as she simultaneously ran, stumbled, fell, and cussed, the whole time thinking, this is a REAL bird! My FIRST REAL BIRD!

Patty and Stewart were returning from their walk and Patty was watching both displays. It was very entertaining. Stewart dropped to the sand and began rolling around in something dead.

Ellowyn? Patty called as Stewart bounded into the marsh.

Damn-it, Patty! Shit, there it goes! Stewart! No!

Stewart waddled out of the water and shook himself next to Ellie.

My binoculars! Don’t get them wet!

Shit, of course over a damn bird. I’m going to start calling you BirdBrain. Stewart needed to get in the water. He rolled in something disgusting, of course.

It’s gone. Ellie said watching the horizon wistfully. That was something different. Really different. Strange. A Dr. Seuss bird.

You’re a Birdbrain Ellowyn McCrae. I’ve lost you forever.

Ellowyn Kelsey, Ellie said turning to look sternly into Patty’s eyes, then looking back up into the empty sky, she proclaimed, I’ve GOT to know what it was.

Look in your book. I’m going back to the blankie’ to lie down for a minute then we are going to pop that champagne! We need to get over to Cutters to get our room. It’s getting late.

Ellie fingered nervously through her book: godwit, curlew, yellowlegs, sandpipers, dowitchers, dunlins…God they all looked alike but what names! How did birds ever get names like this? Ellie marveled studying the book. A godwit! God!

Patty insisted on popping the champagne even though Ellie wanted to wait. Without glasses, they had to guzzle it from the bottle. It’s nearly impossible to drink champagne from a bottle.

After their own ritual that included the violent expulsion of champagne bubbles from their noses followed by uncontrolled hilarity, Ellie proposed a toast.

To failures: my marriage, your job, Ellie proclaimed, and to birds.

Wait a minute. I prefer to think of these failures as changes for the better, Ellie, and you know in the case of you and Eddie, it is.

Just give me the bottle. You could level me out with a big I told you so Patty. You predicted this.

I just knew you could do better and well, so did your mom. Ellie had been avoiding conversation with her Mom. She could only handle one I-told-you-so at a time.

They both defiantly stared back at a small group of people watching them as they passed the champagne bottle back and forth.

Guess they think we’re just a couple of unemployed lonely girls sittin’ on our blanket, Patty surmised dribbling champagne down the front of her shirt.

and alcoholics, Ellie added, holding the bottle down until the little nosy group passed by. We may know those people, Patty.

They sat quietly for a few minutes looking out at the lake. There was a woman forcing a little girl to walk in the water. The little girl was screaming.

What a weird ass kid, Patty said scowling. You couldn’t keep me out of the water when I was her age.

What about what your job, Patty? Ellie asked plopping down onto the blanket.

Patty took the bottle from Ellie’s hands. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I just want to get drunk.

I was right, Ellie said. She put the binoculars up to her eyes. She couldn’t focus and it was not the binoculars.

We’re going to end-up falling asleep at 5:00.

That’s okay. We’ll need to rest up for tonight.

What’s tonight?

Nothing that I know of right now, Patty mused.

Prior to emptying the bottle of champagne and somewhere between getting to the motel and the beach, they had already emptied a couple beers, each. Pleasantly drunk, they decided to walk down to Cutter’s Beachfront Motel instead of driving. The walk was about a mile. Once they entered town, Ellie decided she needed to find a phone book so she could look up a local birding club and call someone about the bird.

Gee, I imagine there will be TONS of listings for bird companies, Patty said sarcastically. God-damn-it Ellowyn. I’m going to throw those damn ‘nocs into the water. You’re driving me crazy with this bird stuff.

They’re birding clubs. Not birding companies, Ellie corrected. I gotta’ know what it was. Someone here will know. I’ll forget what it looked like if I don’t ask someone soon."

Ellie spotted a phone booth in a gas station parking lot and headed for it. The phone book was missing so Ellie stumbled into the gas station to inquire

Hi. I just saw a bird that blew out like a bomb from the marsh, like, all of a sudden, BOOM it BURST into the air! I need to find out what it was. Does this ring a bell? You gotta’ phone book? Ellie said to no one in particular, breaking into drunken laughter.

A high school age kid behind the counter looked at Ellie and scowled out a what? while an old man who was seated in a dirty old arm-chair put down his newspaper.

What’d she say? the old guy asked the kid. You say a bomb?

No…not--

Patty arrived in time to hear the old man’s question.

A bomb? Oh my God, a bomb? Patty coughed out. Ellowyn, what are you saying to this man?

No. Not a bomb! It was LIKE a bomb. It was a bird for God’s sake, not a bomb!

No one in the gas station could figure out what in the hell they were talking about.

Patty dragged Ellie from the gas station though paroxysmal hysteria can slow anybody down. Stewart tagged along behind them stopping occasionally for the random asphalt hors d’ oeuvre which right now, was part of a hot dog bun.

The old man in the gas station stood in the window watching both of them, shaking his head.

Alcohol. It’s the legal drug of choice. A bomb? he asked the kid. A bomb? What in THEE HELL were they saying? Should we call Martin? Martin was the deputy sheriff. The kid responded with a laugh and the comment that he could not imagine anyone targeting Shadow Lake for a bombing and some folks might consider that it already looked bombed. Staring out the window of the gas station, the old man did not take his eyes off the two women until they laughed and stumbled their way out of sight.

They reached Cutter’s. Ellie collapsed on the couch in the lobby of the motel while Patty checked them in. Ellie spotted a phone book and dragged herself upright. She couldn’t find any birding societies plus it was time to give in to the alcohol. She slid back down on the couch.

Okay El, let’s go get our stuff. We can take a nap or maybe we should go swimming, Patty deliberated, hands on her hips.

--and drown? Ellie clarified. That would solve all our problems.

Our stuff is in the car, remember? And the car is not here?

Don’t care about the car right now, Ellie mumbled.

They each collapsed onto their twin beds falling asleep almost immediately. Stewart plopped on the floor next to them. Ellie snored but Patty didn’t hear her. If she had, she may have had second thoughts about Ellie moving in. Stewart slept soundly, twitching his sand-filled paws back and forth, still rolling in dead things, still lumbering behind Patty on her way to see Ellie.

When Ellie awoke, it was dark. Something in the air had changed. Ellie felt like she was in some kind of time warp. She felt sick. A wave of depression rolled over her. She began to cry and coiled her body like a snake. She heard the lock on the door and it opened. It was Patty, Mama Patty, with their suitcases.

El, are you okay? You feel sick? Patty sat next to her. I went to get the car. Some lady getting off work here gave me a ride.

I feel sick…from all of it. All of it.

What can I do?

Reach inside and pull me out of myself, Ellie winced. I wish I didn’t wake up.

Oh sweetie, Patty rubbed Ellie’s back.

Ellie broke into a sob and entered the fetal position again.

Wow. You’re not sick. You’re Eddie sick. I thought you were sick from the drinking.

That’s part of it but that’s not all of it. I just can’t put it off anymore.

You are getting a divorce, Patty stated, releasing a giant sigh. I guess I don’t understand how you can feel so bad over losing a loser like Eddie.

Damn-it Patty. Try to understand. That Dwayne guy you dated was an idiot but you loved him, Ellie said burying her face into her pillow.

Oh God. I did NOT love him. Maybe for 10 seconds and if you notice, I did not marry him. I know a jerk when I--

Little Miss Sensitive strikes again, Ellie said into her tear-saturated pillow.

I’m sorry. God.

Patty stroked Ellie’s hair and rubbed her back while Ellie cried, still coiled. Patty continued to rub her back and speak softly to her. Patty told Ellie it would be all right. She was doing the right thing.

Doesn’t it hurt either way, El? At least I think of it that way. Move over. Patty squeezed herself in next to Ellie. Fully reclined and comfortable, she continued. There’s pain if I stay in my job; there’s pain if I don’t but at least if I get out, the pain should go away for awhile, huh? Isn’t that how it is with you and Eddie? There’s pain either way? Ellie was quiet. I hate to see us like this. I wanted you, us, to have fun. I wanted this to take your mind off Eddie.

It is fun Patty. But whether I’m in Shadow Lake or on Mars, I’m still going to feel the pain. It’s, like, hunting us down. It doesn’t matter where we go. It comes with us.

And it always gets a free fucking ride, Patty said staring at the curtains. She paused for a few seconds, sat up, then shifted her intense stare onto Ellie.

Let’s go to the bar and have a god-damned good time. Get up girl, let’s go. Wash your face and fix your pretty hair. Get up. Patty bounced obnoxiously up and down on the bed.

Stop it. Patty. No. OK. But why should I shower, fix my face? To attract, what? Another MAN? Ellie nearly shouted at Patty as she sat up, her face red with tear tracks, then just as abruptly, she smashed her face back into the pillow again.

Okay, fuck-it. Let’s go like this. Patty said brushing sand off her shirt.

After a futile protest from Ellie, they connected with their hairbrushes and preened a few token minutes.

What time is it? Ellie asked.

Who knows and who cares! Patty declared picking up the keys to their room and flinging the door open.

They were practically locals. They had been coming to Shadow Lake since they were kids. The two girls never really pushed their families together since it seemed like their parents didn’t get on all that well. Instead, Patty’s folks would stop by, honk twice, and Ellie would pile into their car or vice versa. Sometimes Merle, Patty’s father, would call George, Ellie’s father, for help with his ‘67 Chevy pick-up but the women never really warmed-up to one another; Ellie’s mother, Marilyn, managed a medical office 60 hours a week while Patty’s watched TV 60 hours a week.

Cutter’s was slow which meant it was around 7:00 p.m. It would be busy as a beehive by nine. Long ago, they snuck into the bar that was there before it became Cutter’s. It was called the Long Anchor. They were 14 and each had been served a beer. It was one of the most exciting events of their lives--to sit at the bar and drink a beer with the adults--a rite of passage. But when they tried ordering a second round, they were kicked out.

Cutter’s was one of only three bars at Shadow Lake. It hadn’t changed much. Not like Myer’s Bar. Myer’s didn’t want the local business anymore. The locals just got drunk, picked fights, and talked a lot. They didn’t buy dinners very often and they didn’t leave the best tips. So Myers decided to cultivate the tourists. They remodeled for the tourists, raised their prices, and in predictable due time, pissed off the locals. On top of this, then they banned smoking. Bonnie’s Bar was doing okay until Bonnie fired Mitch Casselbaum for confusing picking fights with bouncing. Mitch is the son of Billy Casselbaum, one of the two owners of Cutter’s. Local folks thought Bonnie had been too hard on Mitch so they came over to Cutter’s to commiserate with Billy and for now, that was the majority of the entire town.

Patty and Ellie sat at the bar. Patty ordered a gin and tonic. Ellie ordered water.

Hey, how ya’ doing?

Patty looked over her shoulder and there was Matt, a co-worker from Patty’s company with his girlfriend. It wasn’t at all uncommon to see half of Hamburger and Shake at Shadow Lake on the weekends.

Hey, Matt, Louann. What’s up? Patty asked trying to sound upbeat.

Lost my job today, Pat, Matt said shaking his head.

What? Patty set her drink down and spun around on the stool. Ellie winced and walked over to the jukebox.

Yep. You heard me right girl. You may be next.

Okay, Matt. You know how your telling me this makes me feel. Did you get laid off? I mean did they put it that way?

Patty, about three months ago, I got the worse job evaluation I’ve ever had in my life. They threw all this piddly-ass bullshit into my face and told me I was not performing to my full ability and I knew. I just knew all that fabricated crap would give em’ what they needed to ax me and it did.

They fired you?

That is not the term they used but--yes…and not we’re very sorry to have to LAY you off, or we regret our current financial situation but--no they were real delicate. They said, Mr. Spencer, you are not performing to your full ability so we will have to lay you off. Please have your desk cleaned-out by 5 this afternoon.

Oh my God Matt. Patty directed her intense stare at Matt. Louann nodded her head to no one in particular.

Ellie turned around and looked at the scene.