How Not to Self-Publish: The Totally Splendid Hotshot Author's Survival Guide

You Need a Pen Name and Shit-Hot Rod Is Already Taken

Signs of a problem: web browser open on baby names; another tab open on search results for ‘Shit-Hot Rod’; you’re surrounded by practice autographs.

The symptoms: confusion; strain; feeling overwhelmed.

Your first problem was hoping to call yourself ‘Shit-Hot Rod’. Remember what I said about modesty? In addition to making you look unfashionably arrogant, if you choose a first name like ‘Shit-Hot’ you are setting particularly high standards. Yes, you must believe that you are shit hot, but it’s best to let the reader conclude this for himself. Unless you have start-up capital, you might not be getting your debut novel professionally edited, so it’s best not to hand sharp-eyed readers opportunities to be any more smug than is absolutely necessary. A macho name matched with a typo is just inviting mockery.

The next thing to do is consider the genre in which you wish to write. Picking a genre and sticking with it (at least at first) has been shown to help build a following with more speed than having an inconsistent style. Snaring readers with Hearts and Devotion – A Love Story, then bringing out The Whore Killer – A Gritty Crime Slasher could confuse, not to mention alienate, your existing readers.

Once you’ve picked a predominant genre (or genres), select a pen name that goes with it. You might get away with Dick Bullet if you write old-school crime thrillers, but such a name might have the wrong tone for a romantic title. Similarly, Tiffany Feathers might not inspire confidence in a writer of political, action-packed war novels.

Book stores often filter words. The blacklist for reviews can be different from the blacklist for book details, so even if you can persuade stores to let you call yourself Shit-Hot Rod, reviewers might be banned from using the pseudonym, thus creating an extra barrier to collecting ratings.

Another thing to consider is the length of your pen name. Whilst something individual will help you get noticed in online stores, you will soon tire of having to type Camellia-Rose F. Monroeberry-Smith Junior, not to mention the struggle you’d have keeping tweets to 140 characters.

Having chosen a pen name, make sure that you check the web for namesakes. It’s true that ‘Draco Malfoy’ is a popular search term, but people are unlikely to come upon your book when there are hordes of wizards to sift through first.

It’s also worth checking that the domain name and Twitter handle for your pen name are available. A URL like www.mark-smith-8.com does not inspire confidence.

Have you chosen your pen name? Good, now you’re one step closer to becoming a totally splendid hotshot author.

Your Debut Novel is About Ancient African Scissor Collecting

Signs of a problem: people glaze over when you mention your novel; your research took you to an obscure library floor infested with bats.

The symptoms: isolation; loneliness.

There’s a lot to be said for writing about things that inspire you, and perhaps ancient African scissor collecting really cuts it for you, but will anybody buy it?

Perhaps you could write your historical stationery masterpiece for your own benefit. Writing a novel can help you relax, improve your writing skills and get scissors out of your system. Then, once you’ve mastered the basics of novel writing, you could apply your skills to a more marketable product.

Publishing a book that nobody reads is unlikely to directly harm your career, but it may damage your self-esteem. Imagine excitedly running down to your study every morning to find that, yet again, your sales reports are empty. How will you maintain blind faith in the face of such damning evidence?

Yes, indie publishing is all about diversity, self-expression and breaking away from the market trends that drive traditional publishing, but there are limits. If becoming a bestselling author is your goal, then research your target audience before putting pen to paper, or indeed, fingertips to keyboard. A book with no audience will still be a book with no audience, no matter how well it is written.

If you are determined to keep the scissor-collecting component, consider broadening your story. Perhaps your protagonist’s scissor collecting is a quirky hobby that leads him to uncover a body, spurring a vast investigation that results in the suicide of the oldest scissor collector of all time – the only man with the key to unlock the chamber of answers. Yes, I have just turned your unique story into a cliché, but I’ve also suggested something that might be bought by somebody outside your PhD field.

Once one of your more mainstream books has hit the headlines, then you can teach the world about the history of third world cutting devices.

Your Debut Novel is 20,000 Words Long

Signs of a problem: word count modest; enlarged font and widened margins as you struggle to resist the truth.

The symptoms: exhaustion; self-deception; naive optimism.

You’ve just finished writing your book. You’re exhausted. It’s taken you months. Your tiredness levels suggest that you’ve written an epic trilogy. However, when you check the word count, it says 20,000 words.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but 20,000 words is not a novel. Yes, it’s a big achievement. Yes, you should be proud. But what you’ve accomplished is not writing a novel.

There’s nothing wrong with publishing a 20,000 word eBook – in fact, eBooks are perfect for stories of previously unorthodox length – but you must not call 20,000 words a novel. If you try to call it such, you will receive abuse from angry reviewers who feel duped. It’s best to avoid enraging reviewers – especially early on before you’ve had a chance to grow your thick skin.

Although definitions vary, a rough guideline for labelling your book is as follows:

1-99 words – micro fiction.

100 words exactly – drabble.

101-999 words – flash fiction.

1,000-7,499 – short story.

7,500-17,499 – novelette.

17,500-49,999 – novella.

50,000-109,999 – novel.

Over 110,000 – epic.

Children’s books, however, are allowed a lower word count than comparable books for adults. 30,000 words is an acceptable length for a children’s chapter book.

Due to wide variation between definitions, it is always a good idea to put a word count at the bottom of your product description when selling an unusual-length book. You don’t want to give your reader any nasty surprises.

If you are certain that you want your story to be a novel, then you obviously have the option to re-draft. However, getting from 20,000 words to 50,000 is quite a leap and you could seriously mess up the pacing of your story (as well as other things). Padding is usually detrimental.

Yes, you could expand ‘Maud looked at Graham’ to read, ‘Lovely, buxom Maud (who was autistic and born in France) regarded chunky, rude, stubborn Graham (who was twenty-five and hated roast pork) through her blue, magnificent pair of eyes (eyes are what we use to see)’ but readers may consider that some elements of the re-draft break the flow.

Don’t write a novel for the sake of writing a novel. One of the many benefits of eBooks is that they are a means to deliver stories of any length.

You Can’t Conjure a Sixth Adjective for a Little Toe

Signs of a problem: squinty face; brain cogs clunking.

The symptoms: frustration.

You’re writing the chapter where your protagonist puts on his shoes. You’ve already described his little toe twice (‘like a grubby, squidgy nipple’ / ‘as soft and pink as a baby peach’). What could you say this time without repeating yourself?

Stop right there. Why on earth have you devoted a chapter to a character putting on his shoes? Unless you’re rewriting the Elves and the Shoemaker in excruciating depth, there is no need to embellish the shoe activity. A simple ‘he put on his shoes’ will do.

It’s a common misconception that the quantity of adjectives correlates with the quality of writing, and that you need adjectives at all in simple sentences. Some genres lend themselves to poetic phrases more than others, but it is possible to overwrite any book.

Some passages, known as ‘purple prose’, can be so extravagant, ornate, over the top, unnecessary, poetic and flowery as to dramatically smash the calm, river-like flow of otherwise song-like text and draw excessive attention to the gratuitous writing style rather than the crucial content necessary to convey the message in a non-long, rambling manner.

Also, why isn’t your protagonist wearing any socks? Think continuity.

You Fancy a Tasty Author Photo But You Look Like the Back End of a Bus

Signs of a problem: camera lens cracked; small children crying.

The symptoms: frustration; despair.

If you found yourself at the back of the queue when looks were handed out, do not fear – you’re a writer not a model. All you have to do is look appropriate in one photo, preferably leaning on a fist (your own) looking pensive.

An author’s appearance can influence sales, but you don’t necessarily have to be conventionally tasty-looking to have a positive effect. In fact, there are many genres for which looking a little rugged can be helpful.

Stereotyping leads us to expect our well-written crime thrillers to be penned by middle-aged men with strong jaws and our romantic comedies to be written by visually-appealing women in their thirties. However, do not be tempted to pick a genre to suit your face. Books then looks.

Thanks to modern photography and editing software, you can make any face match any requirement. Naturally, I have never employed cunning techniques. I definitely do not overexpose my selfies to hide my wrinkles. I certainly don’t change the aspect ratio to slim my figure. I absolutely do not take one hundred photos then delete ninety-nine or them. The blueness of my eyes in pictures is entirely natural and certainly not the effect of a saturation-enhancing filter.

Photo fraud will catch up with you if you ever do a book signing or attend an indie convention, which is why you should never change any features – only subtly enhance.

If, on the other hand, you plan to promote solely through the internet, then you can change as much as you like, or, better still, ask somebody else to pose for you. Nobody ever need know about your unfortunate bus-like appearance.

Be wary of choosing your author shot from websites selling stock photos. You don’t want to select a lovely, blonde temptress only to later find that an author of donkey-on-dinner-lady erotica picked the same image.

Avoid the trap of asking a stranger to pose. If your career is to develop then you will need photos of ‘yourself’ growing older. Do you have a good-looking older sibling or former school friend? This may be a good starting point.

Always check the health of your stand-in before enlisting their help. You don’t want your model popping his