Missing Links

Part One

Chapter 1

What is a Missing Link?

SOME QUESTIONS

Our universities are full of professors. Our libraries are spilling over with facts and information of every kind. Our laboratories, our offices and now even our homes contain an ever-increasing number of computers housing an ever-expanding quantity of knowledge. Yet, even with this incredibly vast amount of information and sophisticated technology available to us, have you ever wondered:

•Why so few of us enjoy radiant good health … well into old-age?

•Why so many of us are having trouble with our intimate relationships?

•Why so many of us still choose to play the role of victim?

•Why so many of us are still stuck in codependent relationships?

•Why so many of us are still suffering from self-defeating, addictive and obsessive/compulsive behaviors?

•Why so few of us are able to be spontaneous and authentic?

•Why so many of us are unable to develop our full potentials?

•Why so few of us are truly satisfied with our lives?

It would appear that we have much more knowledge than wisdom. In fact I believe that most of us lack the training and the experience to incorporate the knowledge we already have into our very busy lives, in ways that are truly practical and effective

THE PURPOSE OF MISSING LINKS

ESSENTIAL LINKS

Essential Links are the « skills, habits, faculties and processes » that we need to develop from childhood in order to become authentic, whole and complete human beings: human beings who are in touch with our own selves and who are emotionally connected to others. If we lack any of these Essential Links (skills, habits, faculties and processes) we start to become progressively and inevitably less human, and increasingly and relentlessly more robotized. We begin to experience growing resistance and increasing difficulty:

•In acquiring new skills.

•In acquiring healthy new habits and in getting rid of destructive ones.

•In enjoying healthy, happy and intimate relationships.

•In being able to feel truly happy and to have fun.

Please keep in mind that we may be very intelligent, creative and extremely well-educated; we may be rich, powerful, famous and hold extremely responsible positions. However all of that may not prevent us from carrying deep emotional wounds as I did and as my parents did. These wounds may continue to sabotage us and they may eventually render us dysfunctional and codependent. This is what happened to me and to many others.

MISSING LINKS

Missing Links are some of the essential « skills, habits, faculties and processes » that we lack or that we have lost. In order to become once again authentic and complete human beings we need to reacquire them. By complete human beings, I mean individuals who are truly empowered, happy, healthy, creative, prosperous and free. All of this implies wholeness, emotional maturity and connectedness.

Therefore, Missing Links deals mainly with self-transformation and behavior modification. My specialty, and the main purpose of Missing Links, is to show us how to Incorporate the knowledge and the tools that are already available (and a few more) into our lives in very practical and effective ways. Basically, I will show you how to incorporate these tools into your lives in a holistic and integrated fashion. Because most of us lead very busy lives, I will show you how to incorporate these tools by tiny Baby Steps (B/S) and in thin Salami Slices (S/S) of time … while we work, as we drive, as we shop, and as we play.

There is absolutely nothing speculative about Missing Links. Everything that I share is experiential, and has proved successful for myself and countless others over several decades. As we begin to apply the methods and the processes that I will share with you, we come to realize that we no longer need to be afraid of the complexity of life, or of the many challenges that we face.

THREE KINDS OF PEOPLE

There are basically three kinds of people: those who are self-aware and self-correcting; those who are not; and those who would like to become self-aware and self-correcting, but are stuck, as I used to be. It is these last ones whom I would like to help most of all.

THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS AND SELF-FORGIVENESS

In my experience it is very difficult and practically futile to try to change and to transform ourselves without becoming able to be self-aware and self-correcting.

•In order to correct ourselves we need to be able to let go of anything that we need to let go.

•Most especially we need to let go of guilt and of any need for self-punishing behavior.

•In order to let go, we need to be able to forgive ourselves and to forgive others.

•Therefore, in order to be able to become self-aware and self-correcting, we need to develop the willingness and the ability to forgive ourselves and others.

Forgiveness and self-forgiveness are therefore Essential Links. I will elaborate further on forgiveness and self-forgiveness in Chapter 5.

SOME OBSTACLES TO SELF-TRANSFORMATION

TRYING TOO HARD

One of the reasons why most of us are unable to significantly change our behaviors and improve our lives is because we try too hard. Sooner or later, we become discouraged and we may give up altogether. Many of us have invested time and money in workshops that deal with various aspects of our lives, such as workshops on time management, behavior modification, relationships, psychodrama, Yoga, Tai Chi, etc. Even those of us who have taken part in really effective workshops are often unable to transfer into our terribly busy lives, the new healthy habits and skills that we have just learned.

All too many of us end up relapsing, sooner or later, even those who have attended twelve-step programs or other similar programs: programs such as anger management, Weight Watchers, Smoke Enders etc. One of my favorite examples is about trying to lose weight. There is an overabundance of books and programs available on the subjects of dieting and weight loss. As has happened with many others, I was able to lose weight consistently for six months or so, and then I would start to gain it all back … and some to boot. A few times I was even able to reach my goal-weight. Unfortunately, it seemed that a few hours after I had managed the great feat, I started to over-eat again. I was not able to stop over-eating and stay at my goal weight permanently until I started to practice the methods that I share in Missing Links.

OUR INNER VOID

I was finally able to feel satisfied and full … even when I still had some room for more. Even more amazingly, I was eventually able to fill the emotional Inner Void that kept me consistently dissatisfied. It is absolutely wonderful to finally be able to enjoy a life in which I can feel thoroughly satisfied most of the time. I was, of course, not able to accomplish this by any instantaneous miracle. It took me far longer than I would have liked, partly because it took me a considerable period of time to put together all the pieces of the puzzle. Fortunately, I am now able to share with you the methods that have worked so well for me and for countless others. Those who are ready to try will probably be able to accomplish what I did in a significantly shorter period of time.

UNDER TOO MUCH PRESSURE?

One of the most de-humanizing characteristics of our modern societies is the degree to which so many of us are trapped in a state of almost constant over-competitiveness. This state of over-competitiveness tends to constantly build up pressure within us, and may be one of the main causes of stress, heart disease and many other chronic illnesses. Do we really need to compete with Superman or Superwoman?

EXCESSIVE EXPECTATIONS?

I used to place on myself enough weight to crush an elephant! I learned to do this from my parents, who were both perfectionists and overachievers. I kept adding to my unrealistic and excessive expectations until I became so crushed by the weight that I felt almost totally paralyzed.

Less pressure … more pleasure.

One of the best ways to get started along the road of self-transformation and behavior modification is to learn to minimize excess pressure and to welcome more pleasure into our lives. Instead of pushing ourselves to do more and more, why not try to let go a little bit and take some time to smell the roses along the way. What good is all the money and power if we can never feel satisfied? Why not try to accept a little bit less success, and learn to enjoy a little more happiness instead? One of the books that has made a huge difference in my life is one of Harold Kushner’s best-sellers:

When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough

One of the most common ways of hurting ourselves and of deepening our Inner Void consists of not being satisfied with what we already have. Instead of being satisfied with what we have, many of us keep trying to accumulate more and more, and we don’t know when or how to stop. A truth that is often repeated in the human potential movement is that:

There is great power in wanting what we already have.

INFORMATION OVERLOAD

Most of the information that we need for our self-transformation is already available. Unfortunately, most of us are far too busy or too tired to utilize them effectively and consistently on a daily basis. I believe that most of us are overwhelmed by the absolutely fantastic amount of news, information, and just plain trivia with which we are bombarded from all sides, day after day. Avalanche of information follows avalanche of information, to the point that most of us may no longer have the time, the energy or even the will to consciously discriminate between:

•Facts that may be useful to us, and facts that may be harmful or irrelevant.

•Facts that may be true and real, and facts that may be only fabrications.

•Facts that we may want to retain, and facts that we may want to eliminate.

Most of us have not been sufficiently trained to use our critical judgment to effectively screen, sort and analyze the avalanche of information by which we are constantly overwhelmed. In other words: we have much more knowledge than wisdom.

THE ABILITY TO THINK FOR OURSELVES

Missing Links will help my readers to further develop their own critical judgment and their faculties. My readers will become able to better distinguish between what conformist society insists that people and things should be, and the way in which they actually do exist. We may be very intelligent, extremely well-educated and spectacularly successful in our work. However our critical judgment may not serve us well in other aspects of our lives, such as our health or our intimate relationships.

Deciding to make the effort to fully develop our own critical judgment and to apply it in all aspects of our lives can be a hard and painful process. It is, however, impossible to become fully human and authentic human beings without making the effort to do so. We all have to make some difficult decisions … sooner or later.

PERSONAL RE-ORGANIZATION (PRO)

GETTING OUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT

Most of us work very hard in order to accumulate sufficient funds for a comfortable retirement. Some of us are unable to stop accumulating material possessions, or power or fame. Yet most of us never quite manage to feel thoroughly satisfied and secure. In spite of our efforts most of us are still left with a feeling of emptiness gnawing at us. This is what I call our Inner Void.

It is probably true that the vast majority of us arrive at the age of retirement without ever having been able to discover what we really and truly want to do with our lives. I refer you to the works of Joseph Campbell and especially to the The Power of Myth (which was made into a much acclaimed TV series).

To become able to change our priorities from doing what we have been doing (because society expects us to do it) to doing what we really, (… really) want to do, requires a minimum of self-awareness and forgiveness. What we need to do, in essence, is to find out what lights our fire and what makes our hearts sing.

SELF-AWARENESS AND SELF-FORGIVENESS

Before we begin the process of Personal Re-Organization (PRO), it would be best to find out what we really and truly want to do with the rest of our lives. To be able to do this, we need to develop a minimum of self-awareness and of self-forgiveness. As we have already seen, self-forgiveness is essential to our self-transformation. In order to know what we need to forgive in ourselves, we need to become aware of it. Self-forgiveness and self-awareness are therefore parallel, complementary and synergistic processes. Of course, some of us may already possess some tools of self-awareness and introspection, such as meditating, diarizing or doing a periodic examination of conscience. What we need to be able to do (… eventually), is to be able to practice self-awareness and self-forgiveness consistently, on a daily basis.

The single most important tool of personal self-transformation that I have ever had the good fortune to learn is what I call the movie in reverse. If there is only one tool that I would like to pass on to others … this is the one! In my experience of several decades, the movie in reverse is the one tool that has opened more doors for me than any other. It has kept me consistently on the road of self-transformation and of evolution.

THE MOVIE IN REVERSE

I learned to practice the movie in reverse by making it as easy as possible to do. I did not spend more than five to ten minutes a day on it. We may practice the movie in reverse either at the beginning or at the end of our day. We begin by rewinding the last twenty-four hours in our minds by using the following guidelines:

•We start from the present moment and we go back in time.

•We place ourselves in the role of observer or witness.

•We try to avoid criticizing ourselves or celebrating any new insights.

•We try to observe any events, behaviors or interactions that have remained emotionally imprinted in our memories.

•Our purpose is to try to reinforce what we have done well and to learn from our mistakes, so that we may do a little better in the future.

•We do not try to write anything down until we have learned to Incorporate this tool into our daily lives.

Initially, I did not insist on trying to do it every day; once or twice a week would do. The real miracle happened for me once I became able to do this exercise every day, for two weeks in a row. It was then that I became capable of really noticing the patterns and behaviors with which I was hurting myself and others.

Eventually, I learned not to be as hard on myself as I used to be. I became able to forgive myself a little more, and I started to let go of some of my guilt one brick at a time. If that was too hard, I tried to take away one straw from the load of guilt that my personal camel was carrying. The longer I practiced the movie in reverse, the deeper I was able to get into the never-ending layers of the onion that make up my personality. Eventually, I learned to forgive myself a little better and a little more quickly.

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

One of the basic secrets of self-transformation is that before we can change a self-defeating behavior, we need to learn to minimize its « gravity, intensity and frequency ». Another secret is that "frequency is more effective than quantity." In Missing Links I share a series of simple but surprisingly effective tools, principles and processes by which we are able to transform our lives and our relationships. I will show how to Incorporate these tools into our busy daily lives as we work, as we drive, as we shop, and as we play.

The good news is that, not only are we going to be able to change our patterns and our behaviors, but that eventually we will be able to do so thoroughly and consistently. I have also discovered that we can heal almost everything in ourselves. The mediocre news is that this process is much more complex than we would like it to be and that, almost invariably, it takes longer than we expect. If the process is complex, it is only because as human beings, we are also quite complex. However we don’t need to be afraid of this complexity, because we can learn to ride our own process of personal self-transformation, like a wave or a spiral. Once we learn to do that, we will be able to keep progressing along the spiral of our personal evolution … for as long as we like and as far as our capacity will allow.

THE POWER OF EXAMPLE (MENTORING)

A few months after becoming sober in A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous), I decided to attend a discussion group for the first time. Shortly after entering the room in which the meeting was being held, a big, jovial and enthusiastic fellow gave me a very powerful handshake and pronounced the following words which proved to be magic for me:

If I can do it, anybody can!

How right he was! As sick as I was (and I was very messed up indeed), I figured: If anybody can, maybe, just maybe … is it possible that … even I can do it? It was at least worth a try.

If I can do it, anybody can! These words, as far as I am concerned, encapsulate the essence of why the power of example works so well. I consider that learning by the power of example is therefore an Essential Link. Of course, this implies that we need to seek out healthy, empowering and inspiring role models and that (…eventually), we need to become effective role models and mentors for others.

WE TEACH WHAT WE NEED TO LEARN THE MOST

I have myself been a cross-addicted, dysfunctional and codependent human being. I chose to suffer an incredible amount of pain in the role of victim for a surprisingly long time (as far too many of us have also chosen to do), before deciding to change.

I have tried to share with you only those lessons that I have myself been able to incorporate into my own life. These lessons have proven to be of significant and of lasting benefit to myself and to others. We often fail to read books that could have proven of great value to us, simply because they require too much work or effort. Often we become discouraged even before we really get started. It is for this reason that I have tried my best to make this book as easy, as playful and as entertaining as possible.

I will not ask you to do anything that may prove too difficult or too arduous. Most of us are, after all, very busy people who are frequently wishing for the 36-hour day. It is, therefore, often very hard for us to find the additional time, energy and motivation that are required to change old habits and incorporate new behaviors into our lives. I will not, for example, ask you to take any notes, or do any written exercises or participate in workshops, seminars or activities in which you are not already involved. If you are inclined to do so, and if you have enough energy and motivation, you may of course choose to do so. I will, however, caution you not to try too hard. Please remember that:

Frequency is more effective than quantity.

When we succumb to the pressure to do too much too soon, we usually become too tired and discouraged and, as often as not, we may end up quitting. So why not tell ourselves: I will just sit back, relax and enjoy the experience. Please allow the contents of this book to penetrate and to percolate within you « gently, easily and effortlessly » over a sufficiently long period of time. After all, isn’t it true that we are far more successful at accomplishing what we want to do when we are really motivated? When we are truly cooking and when there is a song in our hearts?

Therefore, whenever something from this book or elsewhere pops up in your mind and you are in the mood to do it, why not just let yourself go and try it? I have learned to try to do the minimum … but to do it, rather than to try too hard and risk becoming discouraged. There is absolutely nothing speculative or purely theoretical in this book. All the tools and all the processes that I share with you are empirical and experiential; they are natural and organic. I have successfully and consistently utilized and incorporated them in my life, as have countless others.

Chapter 2

Some Essential Links

ESSENTIAL LINKS

An Essential Link is a skill, habit, faculty or a process that is essential to the well-being, the health, the creativity, the productivity and the happiness of an authentic human being. If any of these essential skills, habits, faculties or processes are missing (partially or completely) we are missing an essential part of ourselves. We are no longer whole and fully human.

Social skills and the ability to bond with others are, of course, essential for our happiness, both individually and as a group. These social skills have come to be known as Emotional Intelligence. Daniel Goleman and others have analyzed, described and popularized them.

Missing Links is full of Essential Links such as:

•Developing the capacity to correct and to transform ourselves.

•The willingness to make mistakes and to learn from them.

•The ability to think for ourselves and to cultivate critical judgment.

•Role modeling and mentoring.

•The willingness to ask for help.

•The willingness to develop self-worth.

•The willingness to love and to be loved.

•The capacity to change and to grow.

•The willingness to develop and to cultivate humility.

•Emotional and social intelligence.

•Any number of natural and organic processes such as:

The process of self-awareness.

The process of layering and cultivating.

The process of simmering and percolating.

The process of deepening and reinforcing.

The process of incorporating.

The process of amplification.

The process of letting go.

The process of acceptance.

The process of decision-making.

The process of navigating the continuum (BAF).

Forgiveness and self-forgiveness.

Our dance of creativity.

Etc.

Authentic human beings are extremely complex, multi-faceted and multi-dimensional creatures. To be fully human and authentic, we need to develop all of our faculties and processes in all essential aspects of our lives. What is essential for one human being may, however, not be essential for another. For example, what is essential to become a scientist may not be quite as essential to become an artist and vice versa.

THE PROCESS OF QUESTIONING

Our natural curiosity is usually expressed and fulfilled in somewhat the same way as a curious child. As adults, we have the tendency, at times, to repress our curiosity and our desire to question. We may perhaps do so because we have become conditioned, at least partially, to think that being curious may not be polite. Society and what we call civilization have often caused us to repress our innate, natural and organic processes, and have had the tendency to de-humanize us, at least to some extent.

If we want to find out whether a faculty or a process is indeed an Essential Link, we may need to ask ourselves just how important this particular Link may be to us (as authentic human beings). Here are a few questions that could help us to decide which elements in our lives could be considered to be Essential Links:

•What difference could this make to my life, my health and my happiness?

•What difference could this make to my growth, to my creativity and to my freedom?

•What difference could this make to my work or to my ability to relate to others?

•What difference could this make to my ability to feel emotionally connected to my Total Self, to others, to nature and to the universe?

•Can I really do without it?

•If I had the choice, would I really want to do without it?

•Can I find a substitute for it?

An Essential Link does not necessarily have to make an enormous difference in our lives all by itself. It does however need to be effective and consistent in its benefits to us. In other words, if it has helped us in the past, it must be able to do so in the future. If an Essential Link were to go missing, we would not be able to continue to grow and to develop fully in all the essential aspects of our lives, unless we could find an adequate substitute for it. A parallel could be that of vitamins. While all by itself the temporary absence of a vitamin from our body may not make an enormous difference to our well-being, the absence of it over the long term could render us ill. For example, in my own case, I cannot go for any significant period of time without taking a supplement of vitamin B-12.

MISSING LINKS

I believe that most of us suffer from a more or less severe case of Missing Links and of de-humanization, myself included. The really good news is that by practicing the processes and by utilizing the tools that I share with you, I have been able to heal myself in all aspects of my life. I have not yet have been able to heal myself from some of my deepest wounds, however I have been able to heal to a degree that allows me:

•To enjoy radiant good health.

•To enjoy loving, intimate and empowering relationships.

•To be able to develop and to express my creative talents.

•To become truly happy, content and satisfied.

•To become able to realize my fondest dreams.

THE ABSENCE OF ESSENTIAL LINKS

We may detect the presence of one or more Missing Links in somebody’s life when we are dealing with people who, while extremely successful in their work, may have serious problems dealing with intimate relationships. Such people may be emotionally disconnected from their children or from others. We may detect Links that are missing when we are dealing with people who, while very rich in material possessions, may be poor in social skills. This may also be true of people who may be spiritually bereft or who may never feel truly satisfied, no matter how successful or how materially wealthy they become.

Generally speaking, the absence of Essential Links in our lives tends to dehumanize us. The more Links a person is missing, the more de-humanized that individual tends to become. People who have several Links missing usually tend to suffer from obsessive/compulsive behaviors. They may also suffer from more or less severe addictions. They also tend to be over-competitive or dysfunctional in their behavior and codependent in their relationships. The more Links we are missing, the greater our potential to encounter severe problems with our health, with our behavior as well as in our work and our relationships.

We may witness the absence of Essential Links, and the various degrees of de-humanization that they may cause, by watching the following movies:

•The Aviator (about the life of Howard Hughes) starring Leonardo Di Caprio, Kate Blanchet & Co.

•Smart People, starring Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ellen Page & Co.

•Morning Glory, starring Rachel McAdams, Harrison Ford, Diane Keaton & Co.

•The King’s Speech, starring Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena B. Carter & Co.

THE PROCESS OF PRIORITIZING.

There are some Essential Links that are more important and more universal than others because, without them, the others would not be as effective. In other words we have to learn to prioritize, and to find out which Essential Links are the most important for us. Some Essential Links may not apply to us because of our sex, age, vocation or physical state.

For example, getting sober and clean may be extremely important to alcoholics and addicts, and therefore, the tools required to do so may be essential for them. To acquire the habit of sobriety, alcoholics may need to learn to practice the strategy of Minimizing The Damage (MTD), the Process of Acceptance, and the tools of Baby Steps (B/S) and Salami Slices (S/S). They may need to learn to practice these one day at a time, as I learned to do in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Certain issues may be more prevalent for women, such as feeling jealous of a younger and prettier rival, the fear of rape, the fear of physical abuse or the fear of losing one’s charm or the ability to reproduce. For males, such fears or anxieties may not exist. However, males may have to deal with problems such as the relentless drive to succeed, the fear of castration or the fear of sexual inadequacy. Some of us may have to deal with the issues of over-competitiveness and work-a-holism. Others may have to deal with unresolved rage or with irrational feelings of jealousy toward a newborn son or daughter.

In each case, different Missing Links may be more important. Therefore, some Links become higher priorities for some, and represent lower priorities for others. I will share more on the process of prioritizing in the chapter on Personal Re-Organization (PRO).

SOME EXAMPLES OF MISSING LINKS

MEMBERS OF THE 110 % CLUB, ANYONE?

Many of us have heard all our lives that we must give our 110%, and that we must excel at what we try. If we don’t excel - if we are not winners - we are failures. If we make mistakes or if we break something, it is not unusual to be either blamed or shamed by others, or to chastise ourselves mercilessly. I am not saying that we all do this, or that we do this all the time. But I would say that too many of us, all too often, have allowed ourselves to become the victims of others or of our own merciless self-flagellation. Generally speaking, we tend to be w-a-a-y too hard on ourselves!

PERFECTIONISM

Perfectionism is another of the ways in which we manage