200 Jokes, Funny Facts, Etc.: Book One

Book One Contents

10 Animal Jokes

10 Bar Room Jokes

10 Blonde Jokes

15 Doctor Jokes

10 Farmer Jokes

10 Golf Jokes

10 Heaven or Hell Jokes

10 Inspirational Items

15 Little Johnny Jokes

20 Man to Man Jokes

20 Man vs Woman Jokes

20 Misc Jokes

15 Senior Citizen Jokes

15 Surprise Ending Jokes

10 Work Place Jokes

More Humor

Animal Jokes Contents

A Dog Named Sarge

Bank Loan

Cat Schedule

Dogs and Light Bulbs

Gorilla on Roof

I Feel a Flea

Milk Saucer

Old Man and Dog

Safari Poodle

Talking Dog

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A Dog Named Sarge

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, 'Sarge'.

The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. What happened to ole Sarge?, he asked.

Had to shoot him, grumbled the General. A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark.

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Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, Sure. I have this, and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. I mean, what in the world is this?

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone.

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

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Cat Schedule

This is what cats have scheduled around the clock! You indoor cat owners can agree with me!

12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat!

1:00 AM: After human feeds the cat at midnight, the cat gets a surge of energy and has a sudden need to play!! Cat then jumps up and down on human’s chest as a use for entertainment.

3:06 AM: After the human throws the cat off the bed, the cat jumps back up on the bed and finds the human's toes as a new toy.

3:10 AM: After the human kicks the cat off the bed, the cat gets angry and storms out of the room.

4:00 AM: Human goes to the bathroom. Cats find this a great opportunity to show affection for human. When human returns to the bedroom he finds the cat totally stretched out in the right across the dead center of the bed. After human throws cat into basement the cat feels upset and hurt. Cat claws and meows at the door in order to get the humans attention.

4:10 AM: Human frustrated because it is getting no sleep and it has to go to work at 5:00. The human cannot sleep because it hears the loud noises that the cat is making. Human opens the door to the basement and the cat runs into the human’s bedroom and under the bed.

4:40 AM: After spending 30 minutes trying to get the cat out from under the bed. The human gives up and rushes to get ready for work.

4:59 AM: After the human gets a shower and brushes its teeth. It opens the door to leave for work, when the cat runs out into the yard.

5:15 AM: The human finally catches the cat and it is very tired and upset he will be 20 minutes late for work.

5:20 AM: After being roughly thrown inside, the cat watches the human speed off. The cat then congratulates himself of a job well done and the cat sleeps for the next 3 hours.

8:30 AM: After spending 3 hours of lovely slumber the cat gets busy to work by throwing up and going to the bathroom on the carpet. The cat then amuses itself by knocking over lamps, shedding on the furniture, eating plants, and eating meat on the counter that the human forgot to put away last night.

3:00 PM: The cat is very tired after destroying the house and the cat goes to the human’s bed and finds comfort under the covers.

5:00 PM: The human walks in the door coming from work and it is very upset because it got fired from work for being late.

5:05 PM: The human is very tired and falls over on the bed in exhaustion.

5:06 PM: The human tries to calm the cat down after it was just smashed by the human.

6:00 PM: The human feeds the cat and the cat forgives the human for smashing it!

9:00 PM: After feeding the cat again the human attempts to go to sleep because it has to wake up at 5:00 AM because it needs to find another job.

9:30 PM: The human goes to bed finally after watching TV with the cat. The human then decides to sleep for at least 2 and half hours.

12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat..................

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Dogs and Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage? All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

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Gorilla on Roof

As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chiwawa dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:

First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chiwawa will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?

Well, explained the experienced gorilla retriever, It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat, shoot the dog.

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I Feel a Flea

Please keep your dog beside you, sir, a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the park. I can feel a flea in my shoe.

Midnight, come here, replied the man. This woman has fleas.

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Milk Saucer

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies, I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.

And the owner says Sold, and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish.

And the owner says, Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats.

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Old Man and Dog

One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks: does your dog bite? The old man replies No never.

When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says I thought you said your dog did'nt bite!

I did, replies the old man, but this isn't my dog!

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Safari Poodle

An old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa and ,of course, she took along her favorite miniture poodle, Einstein. After they arrived at the campsite and she had settled down for the night, Einstein slipped out and got himself lost.

There he was in the deepest wilds of Africa and not a clue of how to get back to the campsite. The longer he was out in the wilderness, the