It's Not Rocket Science: A Guy's Blueprint to Caregiving
By Marc Heyison
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About this ebook
Marc Heyison’s world changed forever in 1992 when he heard five horrific words, “Your mother has breast cancer.” As his mother continues to be cancer free, her courage inspired him in becoming a leading, national voice on the critical and vital role of male caregiving.
Mr. Heyison, a former professional baseball player with the Baltimore Orioles, relied on the same traits that helped him to succeed in his athletic career— tireless determination, perseverance, and absolute refusal to quit in becoming an advocate in the battle against breast cancer, and ultimately, in helping men be there for the women they love.
Mr. Heyison share’s his unique no-nonsense, straight talk perspective on what it takes for any guy to be a great caregiver. He has learned from real life situations on what is needed to be a great caregiver from health care providers and most importantly from the men and their families he has met across the country.
You will learn how to put a strong caregiving team in place, how to stay positive while in reality, why men are great caregivers, how men and women do communicate differently and that is okay, and that communication is a two way street.
After reading It’s Not Rocket Science: A Guy’s Blueprint for Caregiving, you will be equipped with a strong foundation to confidently be a more effective and supportive caregiver— in the most important role you will play—being there for the women you love.
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It's Not Rocket Science - Marc Heyison
FOREWORD
When men learn that their partner has a life threatening illness, the center and foundation of their lives may be shaken to its very core. Men are, by nature, fiercely loyal and courageous. However, learning about and managing the many and complex problems created by a diagnosis in their partner may be a challenge for which they are ill prepared. Women consistently report that their partners are a lifeline for them when they experience the acute vulnerability of a life threatening illness. When men are supportive, women are less likely to be depressed and cope better. When men withdraw from their partners, they do not communicate their internal concerns and emotions. There is a profound sense of fear, isolation and loneliness right at the time when a deep sense of connection and courageous love is crucial. Clearly, this need not be the case!
Patient advocate and national expert on male caregivers, Marc Heyison, provides a blueprint to effective caregiving that is relevant to all relationships, but especially for men who are determined to be courageously compassionate to the women in their lives who need them.
Marc has given workshops for men across the country. These men are a true reflection of the American experience across age, race, socio-economic status and temperament. These extremely practical, problem-based workshops are tailored to the specific skills and inclinations that men naturally possess. Marc bases his information on the scientific literature and does not go after the big (and usually erroneous) headlines that get press attention but often misleads the public and needlessly creates fear and confusion. For example, men do not abandon their partners when they are diagnosed with a life threatening illness. This has been demonstrated in scientific studies.
The fact that Marc is committed to helping men learn how to best support their partners is a testament to his ultimate value—to provide the tailored emotional and practical support to women so that they can maximize the benefits of medical care and live meaningful lives.
Marc has a long history and personal experiences that position him to be uniquely qualified to teach other men how to best support women with illness. The practical, problem-based approaches he shares in this blueprint are distilled by his own experiences. The approach is then enriched by the shared experiences of thousands of men around the country who have consistently and courageously joined their partners to bring out the inherent strengths of both. In many ways Marc’s new book is an empowering, no non-sense love story that looks at the very best of women and men as they overcome the challenges of illness by working together.
Men and women have been effectively working together to solve complex problems for many millennia. We are all here as a testament to their success. This is a story that is still being lived and revised daily as social expectations change and new dangers force men and women to adapt together.
But the one reality that has not changed is that men and women are spectacular together. This blueprint accelerates the coping process that men and women can apply by distilling the wisdom of what Marc has learned from both men and women about what works and what does not.
It takes time, effort and skills to rise to the challenge of what it means to be a supportive man to a woman who is diagnosed with a life threatening illness.
Because Marc provides a practical blueprint for action by men, the effort and courage can come much more easily. Men will know and not have to guess what is most likely to make them the compassionately courageous and effective men they are inherently at their core.
Matthew J. Loscalzo, L.C.S.W.
Liliane Elkins Professor in Supportive Care Programs
Administrative Director, Sheri & Les Biller Patient and Family Resource Center
Executive Director, Department of Supportive Care Medicine
Professor, Department of Population Sciences
City of Hope
Introduction
My mother has been a breast cancer survivor since 1992. Her story of courage inspired me to become an advocate in the fight against breast cancer. Along this journey I have developed what I call a passion that is personal and purposeful—to help others realize they can and must make a difference by being there for the women they love.
I never thought that my path would lead me to write a book about how men can be great caregivers, not only with respect to breast cancer but also in any situation that life throws at them. Make no mistake—we are all challenged. Unfortunately, some of us are challenged more than others with the loss of a partner and loved one. There is no preparation for this. The right words are never there to express how hard it must be to go through something this terrible.
What I hope to accomplish is to layout ways in which we can cope with whatever life throws at us. This book is intended to get you active. It’s intended for you to take what you read, dig deeper, and learn how to make what you read work for your own unique situation. We do have the power within ourselves and it is our responsibility to be there. Our actions plus our behaviors equal our consequences (good and bad).
I have had more than a few people over the years suggest I write a book about my experiences in creating Men Against Breast Cancer. As flattering as this is, my response has always been and remains Why would anybody read a book that I wrote? To be candid, in my view, my story is not that compelling. Compelling are the stories, strategies, and heroism I have been blessed and fortunate to hear about and witness from men all across this country who have been there side by side for the women they love.
This is what I want to share with you, what I have learned from other men who have walked in your shoes. I believe it is something worth reading because it can help you, if you let it. There is nothing more powerful than someone who has or is experiencing what you are, then sharing their story. You will see you are not alone and you have other people’s experiences you can learn from and they can help you. You need to bring an open mind and willingness to step outside of your comfort zone.
I am also not naive enough to think or proclaim that this Blueprint is the be all and the end all in how to be a caregiver. It is not, as there can be no definitive document that can claim this mantel. If someone or some organization claims that they have the answer, my advice is run from that source.
We are all different and what works for some will not work for others. I believe that if you try to implement what is shared in this book than you will be heading in the right direction. If this book does not resonate with you and causes you to migrate to something else for help; then I think the book has helped lead you in that direction.
What I have learned and observed from so many men all across this country is that men are great caregivers who love the women in their life so much and they want to do whatever they can to be there for them.
I think my experiences are somewhat unique in that I have been to Fairbanks, AK and Burlington, VT and many places in between. I have worked with and learned from men that are all colors, all ages, all creeds, and all nationalities.
While there are cultural differences, in some cases, there is one constant—ALL MEN are underserved when it comes to tools that help them be there and navigate whatever health and well-being crisis they may need to navigate as a caregiver.
Men want to help and in some cases, they are just not sure how to go about helping. This Blueprint makes every effort to discuss real life stuff that comes up and offers a strategy to help you effectively communicate and to be there.
What this Blueprint is not is a complete list of every possible situation in every walk of life that can apply to every situation that comes up when facing a life threatening disease. In my view, this is not possible and not realistic for anyone to do.
While my experience and some say my expertise is in male caregiving as it relates to breast cancer; the strategies, ideas, and observations I have accumulated along this journey are relevant and would be incredibly helpful to anyone who is committed to be there for the women they love when confronted