Panic Stations along the Bi-Polar Express

DEDICATION

As I write, it is 2015 and I am in my 32nd year of life.

So far it has been interesting to say the least. Friends, jobs and lovers have come and gone but I have 2 constants: my parents and Bipolar.

This book is dedicated to the people who have stuck by me, mainly: Ela, Peter and Michelle.

And the doctors who have saved me:

Dr George Jacobs – thank you for mentally saving my life and keeping me stable.

Zara Yellin – thank you for giving me the tools to survive life.

Dr Paul Stephens – thank you for physically saving my life several times.

I am still alive because of you.

I won’t mention the clinic and hospitals I have attended, nor the police, ambulance, doctors, nurses, magistrate and various medical attendants with whom I have crossed paths.

I always say If my book can help just one person then it is all worth it. Since writing the first book nearly every other autobiography has said the exact same 14 words. So this time I want to help 1200 people, not just one.

PANIC WARNING

During a panic attack do’s and don’ts.

Don’t:

· Touch the panicker (unless it’s calming rub on the back but not from a stranger)

· ask if the person is ok

· yell at the person

· treat the person like they are hysterical even though they are

· tell them to get over it

· say you can’t handle it

· get emotional til after it’s over

· try to make the person move

· offer them drugs – it’s too late for valium and anything else won’t help

Do:

· give them space

· remind them to breathe, slow and deep breaths

· if they smoke get them a ciggie because it forces you to take deep breaths

· offer tissues and water

· stay with them until they calm themselves

· understand it is not their fault

· understand they cannot control the irrationality of their panic

· whatever they ask, no matter how strange or inconvenient, as if they think it will help – it probably will.

You can try to distract the panicker or make them laugh but it depends on the severity of the attack if it’s full blown, paper bag needed, speed dialling 000 then perhaps leave the jokes aside for now.

The panic will eventually pass or the panicker will pass out, either way they will be ok, will you?

DISCLAIMER

Not # 1

The first thing people ask me after reading our first book is Are you still with Arthur?

I’d just like to clarify that Arthur was NOT and is NOT the one!!! We broke up – in 2008 (spoiler alert). I hate looking at the photo in the first book with the tagline The One under our photo, Grrrrr!!!!!

I guess when you are young you think every guy is the one but they are just someone.

If you’re searching for the one ………… just look in the mirror, until you’re happy with yourself, no-one will become the one.

FAQS

NO: I am no longer with Arthur aka R2 (spoiler alert)

YES: I had another breakdown (spoiler alert)

NO: I am no longer that wild (heavily sedated)

YES: I am stable (today)

YES: I am writing a sequel to The Bi-Polar Express called "Panic Stations"

See http://www.thebipolarexpress.com.au/ for details…

ARTOO DETOUR

Just to recap our first book.

Every night before I go to sleep I think tomorrow I will wake up some time before 2pm, get out of bed, do an hour of exercise, eat a good healthy breakfast, have a shower, brush my teeth and get going on the rest of the day. Then I fall asleep. I wake up at around 4.30pm and say shit, shit, and shit.

Back in November 2005, the 11th to be exact, I met a boy that would change the history of my relationship nightmare. I have had very bad luck with men; first a liar – 2 weeks, then a kind hearted guy that wasn’t for me – 3 weeks, then a 19 year old virgin but a sweetie – 2 months, then an abusive druggie – 2 months, then a wonderful caring bloke who not so secretly looked at men – a year on and off, 2 months official, (but a long year of celibacy on my part thinking I was unattractive and not desirable) turns out he was gay, then a younger man with a violent streak, never to me but to the ‘friends and foes’- 2 months, then 2 years without even a kiss from the opposite sex, or the same sex. So with encouragement from my mother I hopped on RSVP, an online dating service. Met an assortment of strange men, met a niceish one and after two dates found myself at his house for some much needed, 2 years without, sex. But only twice did I dance with that man, as I met another, a different and yet again younger man.

R2 and I emailed back and forth for a few weeks. Then just as I had forgotten which one of the many men I was emailing had my number, he called late one night in November. We talked for hours about anything and everything. Turns out he has a Jewish heritage also, loves movies possibly more than I do, hard to believe. He also has a little boy obsession with comics and computer games, I felt I had met a kindred spirit. We spent most of our conversation talking about X-MEN comics and the movies and comparing. Half way through the x-men debate he said "I can’t believe we are talking about X-MEN I laughed and replied what’s wrong with that? he took a moments pause and said absolutely nothing" and we continued on till the wee hours.

The following day I went to work, my job was a check out chick at a local fruit market, I was at the register talking to a fellow chickie when my boss came and asked why I was talking and asked if I talked in church, I replied I don’t go to church, I’m Jewish!, he replied in an aggressive tone I fucking hate Jews!!!. I was mortified, he insulted me and my religion, fair enough, I’m not that religious but that’s beside the point, it’s discrimination any way you look at it. I was furious, when I finished my shift I hopped online for some solace, but instead I found R2 was online. I told him what had happened and ever so kindly he offered to kill him for me, after much thought I decided it would be a far wiser idea that he take me to the movies instead to calm me down. He agreed. He lived quite far away, Parramatta area, and me living in the eastern suburbs we decided a central place would be good, the city.

We met at around 4pm; it was Friday the 11th of November 2005, just so you know. When I first saw him I was a bit taken back, I was only wanting to go to the movies and as I was screwing the other guy I wasn’t really looking for a fuck. But I found something I never expected, a total spunk. He was adorable, so cute and from his emails I knew he was quirky and from the phone call I knew we had heaps in common, but I never thought that this innocent date could be the start of something amazing and new for me. We saw ‘Wolf Creek’ at the movies and halfway through I was a little on the scared side, or was I faking to get his attention? He so sweetly grabbed my hand and held it so softly. After the movie had finished we decided to go to Hyde Park, we sat and talked for a few hours. My best gay friend had dressed me, he put me in heels; to show off my ankles, nice black pants; to slim me down and a really nice brown singlet top; to show off my cleavage. Now for a few hours that would be fine, however we never expected this would turn out to be an all-nighter. By around 9pm my feet were killing me and I was freezing cold. We walked to a shop, one of those Asian sell all shops, we bought a true blue Aussie brown zip up jumper with a cute little kangaroo and ‘AUSTRALIA’ embroidered on the breast line. As we were purchasing this fine new item of clothing ‘Crazy in Love’ by Beyonce was playing, and we decided that was our song. On the walk back to the park we joked about getting a hotel room, then he mentioned he was going to Queensland for schoolies, even though he wasn’t a schoolie anymore, he also mentioned that he needed more people to make the room cheaper. I jokily again said that I missed schoolies, because I dropped out of school and said maybe I would go. We talked about all these plans and eventually he slipped in that he wanted a girlfriend and wanted it to be me. I accepted shyly. Then we saw a beautiful bright star and I told him to make a wish, first he wished for a million dollars, with no luck I suggested a more realistic wish, there was a bird flying overhead and he wished it would explode, we waited and waited but it just flew away, so he finally wished the wish I had wished he’d wish, a kiss. And oh what a kiss it was, the first of many.

We cheekily decided that hotel room wasn’t such a bad idea. Realising it was breaking the rules of dating;

· Rule one: don’t sleep with them on first date

· Rule two: don’t get hotel room on first date,

· Rule three: don’t talk about marriage and kids on first date

· Rule four: don’t say I love you for at least three months

· Rule five: don’t introduce partner to the parents for at least 6 months

· Rule six: don’t talk about marriage and kids for a few years

· Rule seven: ok you get the point.

So I think that we have broken every rule by now, but the first three we broke that night. Although really we only broke number 2 as number 3 was a joke and number 1 didn’t really properly happen in the hotel room.

So at around 10pm we got that hotel room I keep talking about, he paid which I was shocked at ($185) and he didn’t even mention it. Generous. But even to this day I feel guilty. We went up to our suite and jumped on the bed like children then kissed a lot and fooled around and watched movies on the movie channel, then kissed and fooled around some more. We had a really nice shower and then went back to the movies and fooling around. Then we decided to have sex. The big sex thing – ohhhh we were excited. Before we got around to it we talked about our past sex and he hadn’t had that much experience but I didn’t care, in fact I was pleased. But when we came down to it, oh oh the condom didn’t fit, then we had a little problem with nerves and he couldn’t stay up to it. We decided just to sleep but we didn’t we talked and watched more movies and talked and kissed and well before we knew it the sun had risen. Now, normally I can sleep all day and rest and stuff but as it turned out I had a birthday party to buy food for that night. I invited him, gathered my stuff and left our hotel room and our fantastic night. He walked me to the bus stop and waited another hour for my bus, kiss and see you tonight then off I went.

On the bus I was so happy I felt I could just fly home, as we were passing UNSW I saw my other best friend and was yelling out to her, but it was a new bus it had no windows, so I quickly thought of my options, call her; but then the bus would drive away, yell; but then she wouldn’t hear me. I realised I didn’t have time to weigh up options and I jumped off the bus and ran to her in my heels. The pain didn’t matter I walked with her all the way home. Frenchy was walking to work, which was around the corner from my house and a good 20 mins from the uni but again it didn’t matter, I was so happy. Frenchy was curious why I was on a bus at 8am in the morning as she knew I wasn’t an early riser, when I explained I hadn’t slept she was even more curious. I replayed the entire night for her and she was very pleased. We walked and talked and walked and talked and my feet didn’t even bother me until the last leg of the trip, when we parted she said I’m so happy for you, I’ll see you tonight.

I got home so happy and wanting to sleep but knowing I had a huge day ahead. So I went shopping for party goods with my dad and all around the east for food and prep for the party that night.

People were asking me what I wanted for my birthday but I got it, he was everything I could possibly want and more.

As the day moved on I was more and more eager to fast forward my party, the party I was so excited about for the past few months, and get to 1 am when R2 said he would arrive after another party he had to go to.

The party went on as planned and was actually rather successful. Friends from the fruit shop and my cousin from England, no he didn’t come just for my birthday he had arrived in September and would stay for 6 months. Also among the guests were a few family friends and me.

I kept checking my phone and sent a message around 10pm to R2 to see if he was still coming. When it got to 11pm I thought he’d done a pash and dash with me. But I checked my phone and my message hadn’t sent, I tried again and watched it send and 2 seconds later I got a reply saying he’d be there. I was so excited.

My last party had gone on till 4am even though many had to work at 6am the next day, so I assumed this party would be the same. I was hoping everyone could meet my new boyfriend. But the party died like an old buffalo in Africa. Around 12am most people had good excuses to leave. My cousin and another friend were staying over and we stayed up chatting and smoking endless ciggies. At 1am the door bell rang, with a blue party hat and a box of chocolates and a kiss, my boy had arrived.

He came out and met my cousin, friend and oh no rule 5, my mum. After a couple of hours of talking, we all went off to bed. Lots of cuddles and kisses from my boy and then asleep we fell. Sunday morning (with only a few days till my 22nd b/day) the day after the party, mum and dad took my cousin, my boy and I out to brunch down at the beach. I was so proud of my boyfriend and I was glowing with happiness. To my shame, at breakfast as I was showing off my new mature boyfriend, he was blowing bubbles in his coke. Shame, shame. I later found out no one even noticed and if they had they wouldn’t have cared.

After a lot of thought and conversations with my mother about the Jewish comment we decided I should leave the fruit shop. So I typed up a resignation letter and handed it in on the way to the bus stop to say farewell to my new boy. As Tuesday was my birthday he had said he would pick me up from work and take me out somewhere nice. Sweet. In my resignation I agreed to finish my rostered week.

Sunday night, my other best birthday present from my gay best friend, a ticket to the ‘Kelly Clarkson’ concert, with supporting act by ‘Rouge Traders’. Before I met my gay best friend I wasn’t really a ‘Kelly’ fan, but he changed all that. Even before the concert I felt it was more of a present for him than me, but on we went. And believe it or not it was the best concert I have ever been to.

The following night I had finally managed to get my hands on IDOL tickets, so my mother and I went and lined up for hours to see my favourite idol get booted off, I got a hug and a photo with him and when we finally got home dad said R2 is not going to be happy I said why? we watched back the recording of idol and there was a clear image of me telling Lee Harding that I loved him. Shame. But of course my boy didn’t watch such rubbish, lucky, but when I told him he didn’t care anyway.

So here came my birthday, Tuesday 15th November, I had made it to 22. More had I done than most my age, but never felt like this had I. I had just had a ripper of a ride of joy, Fri – meeting my boy, Sat – party, Sun – Kelly, Mon – Idol, now Tues getting picked up from work, the work I had now quit, by my boyfriend who came with a dozen red roses and a kiss in front of all my fellow workers, classic look on the face of a guy that took me skydiving, led me on, then walked away, now he knew what he had lost, and R2 had gained.

I had a dream last night that I went back to school and people all around me were barking at me. I had a gun in my hand and saw all the girls that bullied me, I pointed it at them. I also saw the ones that pushed me into cars and down stairs, I pointed it at them. I saw the ones that threatened me every day, the ones who laughed and the ones that ignored me, I pointed it at them. But then I saw her, Anthea. There are many types of bullies at school but none as bad as this. I asked her why people were barking at me, she said it was because I fucked my dog. what, how did this rumour start? she laughed her evil laugh and just like she had said in real life when asked the same question about the same rumour all those years ago she replied if everyone knows about it, it’s no longer a rumour, it’s true. Foolish girl, a rumour is a LIE that is spread by people like you, you can’t do this. You are fucking with people’s lives and psychologically damaging them forever. She laughed louder than ever I don’t care it was like a painful memory more than a dream, till I remembered I still had a gun in my hand.

So back to November and happier times, R2 and I didn’t see much of each other through the rest of November, as he had exams. But I had decided that I would go with him to the Gold Coast in Queensland. So I organised the flights and he would organise to fit me in with the accommodation. A few days before our trip, I told R2 that I loved him and that I didn’t want him to say it back, I just wanted him to know how I felt. He said he wasn’t sure yet about how he felt. The following day I got a message saying I miss you and I am thinking I am in love with you, gold coast soon, yey. I was in the Blue Mountains at the time with my cousin and nearly fell off my chair. No-one has ever said that to me before and meant it; no-one has ever loved me. (When I say no one I mean in the boyfriend space, not the family and friends.)

On the first of December I picked him up from his last exam and we went to see ‘Harry Potter 4’. After the movie we came home and talked about the trip while I packed for the following day.

December 2nd we were on a plane to the Gold Coast for a week of schoolies fun.

We were picked up by one of the 3 male friends of R2’s that we would be staying with. Bob was nice, a bit intimidating at first but still nice. He drove us to our lush apartment, right on the water, with a huge swimming pool, big kitchen, 2 bathrooms, and 3 bedrooms; of course we got the double bed and the ensuite. I was so excited. When we arrived the other two boys were playing on their Play Station. R2 and I settled in and talked for a while before deciding to do a shop for the week, I felt it was only fair to cook as many meals as I could to say thanks, something the boys had yet to learn; thanks.

The first night we stayed in to get the feel of the place. I cooked. The next morning I made some breakfast for my boys and we headed out for the big shop. Bob had to come pick us up as we had over shopped. I finally had a conversation with the other boys, Dylan and Marley. They seemed nice. I had figured out their mission statement for the holiday: WOMEN, BEER, SEX, BEER, SPORTS, BEER and WOMEN.

Sounds reasonable. With all this in mind we headed out on our second night to find some women and beer. I was told earlier by R2 that the boys thought having me around would draw in the women, interesting theory but worth a shot. So I made it my mission to help them any way I could. We found a nice club where we drank and scouted for women. I offered advice on how to approach them, only Marley took the advice and tried it on a few women, to his failure. It’s hard work, I never thought guys had as much, maybe more, trouble than we women do at picking up. The other boys said they wanted to pick up but made no effort, they assumed women would come to them, ha how wrong they were. After hours and hours and no luck we decided to call it a night.

My only condition for coming along was that we had to go to Dreamworld. So R2 and I booked for us and Marley to go, the others thought it was childish. So that was planned for Monday and we stumbled upon a party cruise for Tuesday, again only Marley and R2 and I wanted to go. I couldn’t understand – the party cruise had 150 girls and 150 guys with games and food and a cruise all around the coast, then clubbing and more food and drinks, a very easy way to meet women. We had learnt the main problem for the boys, in the club the night before was there were too many men, there was a 1:4 ratio and unfortunately for them the 4 was guys. But the party cruise would be 50/50 so I was confused, they said they wanted women but they mostly stayed in our room, I know they said women would come to them but really to their room a knocking? I doubted it.

The next few days we didn’t venture out much, I really wanted to get another tattoo to add to my four. The symbol for a mother’s love, it’s a really pretty, intertwining heart, but when we went to the tattoo parlour, it was an hour’s wait, which R2 and I did, wait. Then they looked at my drawing of it and said it would be $450, I said I’d think about it. I wanted it on my lower back in the middle, but for $450; I wasn’t sure I could afford it, and what if it looked like shit? I was lucky with my others, a wrist infinity symbol, writing on my upper thigh every action has a reaction, the Japanese symbol for fate on my ankle and the Japanese symbol for hope on my right shoulder blade. That’s what I thought they were, maybe they really said Toast. As we walked along the promenade R2 saw a henna tattoo place and for $15 they would do my Celtic symbol for a mother’s love. So I got it and when it was done I looked in the mirror and it looked like shit. I was so grateful to R2 for his clever suggestion, and so was my mother when she heard the story later.

So we stayed in, the boys playing sporting games on the Play Station or watching sports on TV, while I cooked and cleaned. I had help from R2, not a huge sports fan, and Marley, who I think had a little crush on me. He was very sweet, we talked for hours he was almost too nice, as soon as I would mention I wanted a drink, before I could get up and get it he would already have put one in my hand. I would ask the other boys to clean up and come back an hour later to see him scrubbing. I felt bad for him; he is the type of nice guy that he will end up with a bitch that bosses him around simply because he lacks direction. See; R2 is nice but he puts me in my place, if we are both sitting down and I ask him to get me a drink he’ll tell me not to be so lazy.

On the Monday we went to Dreamworld, oh what fun. R2 didn’t want to go on the scary rides, so Marley came with me. The 3 of us went to the wildlife section, the tigers, the wiggles area, the roller coasters (little did I know these would be my last physical roller coasters), the food places and everything we could fit in before our bus came to get us. It was great. I love Dreamworld; it is by far the best of the theme parks. I mean movie world is kind of cool but a bit kiddie. Sea world is cool because you see dolphins and other water creatures, and wet ‘n’ wild is just waterslides and shit. But Dreamworld has it all, rides, animals, food, more rides, tigers and oh so much fun.

We came home to find the boys watching, wait for it, sport. I craved even half an hour of rubbish TV like ‘Neighbours’ or the ‘OC’, but it was looking grim. The only time they came away from the TV was when I made friends with a 16 year old who was staying in the room above us. We went swimming in the pool and she joined our games, then I invited her up for some different games and the boys ran around putting their best, coolest clothes on and one of them put on a bit too much aftershave. She came up and we started the games with innocent card games, then good old spin the bottle and truth or dare. The boys dared me to kiss this young lass and seeing as it wouldn’t be the first time, I agreed. The boys went nuts, as they do when two girls kiss. But the game dulled down after that, I mean how could anyone top that? I tried daring boys to kiss but the homophobia set in and the best I could get was R2 pecking Bob on the lips for a nanosecond, not very exciting. Nowhere near the tongue wrestle I had to do, but eh take what you can get. Eventually her dad called from above and told her it was bed time, wow – so long ago that any of us had that call. So the boys went back to sports and R2 and I went to our room and played our own sports, sleeping contest – who could fall asleep first and wake up last. Fun times.

One night R2 and I got into a grand debate, more like a lesson for me, about history. I learnt some interesting historical facts but the most important fact was: Don’t get into a conversation about history with R2, unless you are ready to learn or be squashed! He is a history buff; history and politics are his favourite topics. Topics I know nothing about, which I had warned him. At one stage he was