A Broken Mind Redeemed

A BROKEN MIND REDEEMED

How Faith, Commitment, and Love Restored a Mind Overcome by Mental Illness

Sandra Dowling Housley

This book is an original publication of Pinard House Publishing.

This is a work of nonfiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the writer’s experiences and life. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales, or organizations is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2017-2022 Pinard House Publishing, LLC & Sandra Dowling Housley

This is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic format without permission. Please do not participate in, or encourage, piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

All rights reserved.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Copyediting & Formatting: Carolyn Pinard

Cover Art & Design: Cindy Limbrick

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION.....................................................7

BIPOLAR DISORDER – WHAT IS IT?....................................11

SURPRISED BY LOVE................................................13

MENTALLY ILL.....................................................25

LEAVING HOME....................................................37

SELF-DESTRUCT...................................................41

MAKING THE MOVE.................................................47

DEADLY COMBINATION..............................................53

MISPLACED SECURITY..............................................57

IMPOSSIBLE TO FIX.................................................61

JUSTICE OR MERCY?................................................71

DYSFUNCTION IN THE DARK.........................................75

BALL AND CHAIN..................................................101

DEVASTATING LOSSES.............................................107

GOD SPEAKS.....................................................126

SEEING ANGELS..................................................133

FIERCE BATTLE...................................................151

A VOICE FROM THE GRAVE.........................................156

NIGHTMARE ON HAPPY TRAILS WAY..................................165

CONDITIONAL RECONCILIATION.....................................180

CONTEMPLATING PRISON...........................................186

SANITY, OH SANITY................................................194

DEADLY DIAGNOSIS...............................................197

AMBUSHED......................................................207

A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS.........................................230

EPILOGUE.......................................................235

MEMORIES.......................................................241

To my beautiful and gifted daughters, Carolyn and Kristi. You have taught me how to laugh at myself.

There the Lord will give you an anxious mind, eyes weary with longing, and a despairing heart. You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day, never sure of your life. In the morning, you will say, ‘If only it were evening!’ And in the evening, ‘If only it were morning!’ – because of the terror that will fill your heart and the sights that your eyes will see.  Deuteronomy 28:65-67

PREFACE

Throughout this book I’ve shared three major components:

PRAYER JOURNAL  – These entries include excerpts from my personal prayer journals

THE WARNING – These entries are included to indicate areas of caution

SCRIPTURE is shared at the start of each chapter -  These entries are perhaps the most important, as they are scriptures that impacted me during the season or situation referenced.

Not every chapter includes all of these entries. Most will include at least one, but may have all three.

All scripture references are from the 1984 New International VersionⓇof the Holy Bible except where otherwise noted.

INTRODUCTION

W

hen my mother was a young wife, many shoppers were collecting Blue Chip Stamps redeemable for cash or household items. Depending on how much one spent in a store, they would receive a number of these stamps, moisten their adhesive backs, and place them on a card or in a booklet designed to hold them. When the booklet was full, they could redeem the stamps for small treasures.  Redeem means buy back; pay off; clear a payment.

The following story is one of redemption in three miraculous ways. First, Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection bought payment for our sins – my husband, Mark and I were redeemed from the penalty of sin by the blood of Christ. Jesus redeemed us from the penalty of eternal separation from God. Secondly, He redeemed our marriage, which had been shattered by both mental illness and substance abuse. Third, God redeemed my husband’s mental health, but not until a heavy emotional price was paid.

I have put pen to paper and fingers to keyboard many times in an attempt to write this account. I avoided the effort at every turn, as I could relate to Ernest Hemingway’s analysis of the process of writing: There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down before a typewriter and bleed.  The memories I would need to share brought trepidation to my soul. To consider writing about them made me want to quit trying. Just thinking about our past trials caused my heart anxiety and deep sorrow. Like so many others, I’d lived with ample loss, shame, hurt, and regret. Remembering felt like tearing off a scab and dabbing the wound with iodine. I was also concerned that telling our story might embarrass or hurt those I love.

In order to be true to my past, to heal, to possibly help others, and ultimately to give glory to God, writing this book became a necessity. In fact, if I didn’t write it, I believed it tantamount to disobedience to my Savior. When I asked, Why, Lord? Why do this? He whispered the reasons to my soul:

Write ... to keep a promise. A last wish of my husband Mark was, Please write our story. I promised him, I’ll try.

I don’t claim to have deeper sorrows or greater losses than others. In fact, so many in my close circle of friends and family have suffered far greater than I. My experiences with disappointments and broken dreams often devastated me because my expectations of how I thought my life would be were unrealistic. Ignorant about the glorious heart of God, I needed character building. I wanted to control my life and destiny, and we all know that’s an oxymoron. My circumstances blindsided me because I thought God rewarded good works with freedom from problems.

Write . . . for the glory of His name.

If this book will enable the reader to identify with some aspect of their own suffering, and will encourage them to seek help or offer love and assistance to another, or most importantly, urge them into the Savior’s trustworthy arms, then He will be glorified. As a follower of Jesus Christ, I’m compelled to give glory to my Lord for who He is and what He has done and is doing through our story. I want to point others to Him and give Him thanks and praise for His intervention, mercy, and blessings despite the certainty that we deserved less.

Write . . . to offer hope.

When life becomes unbearable, we are tempted to ask why a God of love doesn’t intervene to save us from suffering. During my own trials I asked, Why am I alone in this? Where is the help for families of alcoholics or the mentally ill? What good can come of all this pain and loss?

As you read our story, I beg for your grace. You may find yourself asking, How could she be so naïve? or How can a follower of Jesus act that way?  Those are the same questions I sometimes asked myself. I hope the answers will become clear by the end of this narrative. In my marriage, I struggled between what the world and counselors said about setting strong boundaries, and what the Church and scriptures declare about marriage, the role of husband as leader, and the admonition to the wife to respect her husband.

The raw honesty of this book may be disturbing at times, yet I pray you can relate in some way, and that my words would eventually offer hope. You’ll walk alongside us in our journey, which may trigger a variety of emotions and questions. However, I do hope that by the end, you’ll see how our Lord of Glory ultimately redeemed us through our brokenness.

If you or a loved one are struggling with disappointment; if you are in a family experiencing substance abuse or mental illness; if you wonder how things can ever get any better, then my prayer for you is that in reading this book, you will find hope and a growing faith in the God who specializes in redeeming broken lives. I most certainly hope that you will choose to avoid some of our mistakes and find in God a Father whose love, grace, mercy, and power is far deeper and wider than you could have ever imagined.

I’ll start at the beginning . . . but first, in order to have an understanding of the issues at the foundation of this story, it will be helpful for you to have a basic knowledge of the specific mental illness we experienced called, Bipolar Disorder.

PROLOGUE

BIPOLAR DISORDER – WHAT IS IT?

T

he National Institutes of Mental Health[i] states: People with Bipolar Disorder experience unusually intense emotional states that occur in distinct periods called mood episodes. Each mood episode represents a drastic change from a person’s usual mood and behavior. An overly joyful or overexcited state is called a manic episode, and an extremely sad or hopeless state is called a depressive episode. Sometimes, a mood episode includes symptoms of both mania and depression. This is called a mixed state. People with Bipolar Disorder also may be explosive and irritable during a mood episode.  They could experience extreme changes in energy, activity, sleep, and behavior to go along with these changes in mood. Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder are described in the chart below:

Bipolar Disorder can be present even when mood swings are less extreme. For example, some people with Bipolar Disorder experience hypomania, a less severe form of mania. During a hypomanic episode, you may feel very good, be highly productive, and function well. You may not feel that anything is wrong, but family and friends may recognize the mood swings as possible Bipolar Disorder. Without proper treatment, people with hypomania may develop severe mania or depression.

Bipolar Disorder may also be present in a mixed state, in which you might experience both mania and depression at the same time. During a mixed state, you might feel very agitated, have trouble sleeping, experience major changes in appetite, and have suicidal thoughts. People in a mixed state may feel very sad or hopeless while at the same time feel extremely energized.

Sometimes, a person with severe episodes of mania or depression has psychotic symptoms too, such as hallucinations or delusions. The psychotic symptoms tend to reflect the person's extreme mood. For example, if you are having psychotic symptoms during a manic episode, you may believe you are a famous person, have a lot of money, or have special powers. If you are having psychotic symptoms during a depressive episode, you may believe you are ruined and penniless, or you have committed a crime. As a result, people with Bipolar Disorder who have psychotic symptoms are sometimes misdiagnosed with schizophrenia.

People with Bipolar Disorder may also abuse alcohol or substances, have relationship problems, or perform poorly in school or at work. It may be difficult to recognize these problems as signs of a major mental illness.

Bipolar Disorder usually lasts a lifetime. Episodes of mania and depression typically come back over time. Between episodes, many people with Bipolar Disorder are free of symptoms, but some people may have lingering symptoms.

SURPRISED BY LOVE

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes.

Proverbs 12:15 (NASB).

O

n a beautiful late spring morning, at the close of a Sunday worship service, I turned around in the pew and warmly welcomed the newcomer behind me. He was around 5’ 9" with dark, thinning hair, sparkling brown-hazel eyes, and a great smile. Clearly an introvert, with downcast eyes he returned my handshake and said hello.

A week later I met Mark again during a group social event at a church member’s home. We spent most of the evening huddled in a corner, talking. I learned enough about him that night to be guarded. He’d spent the past several months grieving over losses – like Job, minus the boils – and working at staying sober. What a story he told; so much for anyone to have endured. Yet, there is good news in his story: he had recently recommitted his life to Christ and was hopeful for what the Lord had in store for his future. This man was different — he intrigued me.

I listened as he openly expressed his love for his son, who was 19 and on his own, as well as his daughter, 15, who was living with her mom. He held nothing back when opening up about his recent tale of devastation; I wondered if everything he shared could have actually happened to one human being. He confessed his alcoholism, now in check, and of being defrauded of his business, losing millions. He offered that he battles with depression, lost a brand new home in a fire, was abandoned by his wife, and most recently, turned the corner toward hope. This man, although intelligent, an excellent communicator, and a lover of Jesus, quite honestly scared the wits out of me. My initial interest in him waned by the end of that evening. Nope. No chance. Run!

A bit of background is in order here. By this time, I had been divorced for nearly seven years. My former husband, Rich, the father of my two daughters, left us for a woman he’d met in a bar. Of course, after 18 years of marriage his betrayal devastated me. Not only because of what he’d done to me, but most importantly, the pain he caused our children. Early on in our marriage, at age 24, I’d made a decision to follow Christ. Rich had not. Even though I prayed that he would choose to follow Jesus, he instead spent many hours with his friends in bars and at parties. I prayed daily that he’d become the father I wanted my two daughters to have. It didn’t happen. Instead, Rich got deeper into alcohol and moved farther away from me emotionally. The divorce left the three of us reeling.

As a single mom, I vowed to wait on God for His husband for me — if it was His will. I hadn’t met many quality single Christian men, so I rarely dated. My standards were high. Once burned, twice shy as they say. I did not want another relationship filled with pain and sorrow as I had with Rich, who admittedly never loved me, and spent his non-working hours pursuing everything but Jesus and family. As a single parent, my focus was on my girls and raising them to become honorable and godly Christian women.

Several weeks after meeting Mark, I attended an Oakland A’s baseball game with a group from our church. While enjoying the game and chatting, a friend asked, Are you dating anyone?

No, I answered.

What about that new guy at church, Mark-somebody?  He’s single, isn’t he?

Yes, I replied, but I’ve heard his story. Not interested. The devil seems to follow him everywhere!

After a round of laughter, I began thinking about Mark. Not the guy with all those problems, but the man whose heart for Jesus had been renewed following his difficulties. The man who’d spent several months retreating from society, recuperating, and intentionally drawing near to the Savior for healing and hope.

Occasionally, Mark sought me out to talk after church. It was clear he was interested in me. I later learned that when he first saw me singing on the worship team, he sensed in his heart, I will marry her.

After several attempts to date me, while I tried to dissuade him, Mark suggested we go for an ice cream following a Sunday evening service. It was mid-June with unusually warm weather. The opportunity to not head straight for home appealed to me. A bit excited about the attention, I agreed to go. My daughters, 14 and 18 at the time, drove home in my car while Mark and I went to a nearby ice cream shop.

That evening, my heart began opening to him. I found this man to be sensitive, smart (beyond my pay grade), and sincere in his desire to start over on the right track with Jesus. He was the most genuine man I’d ever met. No games, and almost embarrassingly honest about his past. I learned he’d been sober for over a year, had earlier attended Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) for 90 straight days in order to gain that sobriety, worked the 12 Steps of AA, and currently attended meetings weekly.

He had also set goals for himself and worked toward building an investment business. He sheepishly offered a not-so-small piece of information, as well . . . although abandoned by his wife, he was still officially married. His wife, from whom he had been separated for two years, refused to communicate with him directly (for reasons neither of us understood). She lived several hundred miles away, and would speak only through an associate who handled the affairs of their failing business. This same man, Mark would later learn, had defrauded him of the business assets by signing Mark’s name to a bogus Power of Attorney.

While enjoying our ice cream cones, we sat in a tiny booth and talked for hours. I asked many hard questions, to which Mark answered candidly. He told me of his several attempts to reconcile with his wife, but was rejected each time; and of her filing in another state. He had copies of letters to her asking to reconcile, that he offered to share with me, indicating his attempts to repair their marriage in obedience to his marriage vows. Yet, the fact remained — he was still married until the final divorce decree. I wanted to get to know Mark better, but refused to date a married man. He wanted to be right in God’s eyes, too, so we scheduled an appointment with our pastor, Dr. Glen Scillian, to seek his counsel.

My pastor had advised me often during and after my divorce. He always gave honest biblical suggestions regarding dating and single parenting. Mark, new to our church, enjoyed Glen’s preaching and felt he would give us good counsel as to whether we could pursue a relationship or not. I called and made an appointment.

Several days