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    Ben'oni L'Benyamin: From Sorrow to Strength: My Journey With Depression
    Ben'oni L'Benyamin: From Sorrow to Strength: My Journey With Depression
    Ben'oni L'Benyamin: From Sorrow to Strength: My Journey With Depression
    Ebook139 pages1 hour

    Ben'oni L'Benyamin: From Sorrow to Strength: My Journey With Depression

    By Rabbi Sara Berman, Miriam Berman and Cheyanne Washington

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    Synopsis

    From Sorrow to Strength is a collection of insights and reflections about various Jewish stories and traditions, all examined through the lens of mental illness, particularly clinical depression. The author has mined her own personal experiences to relate to readers in an identifiable and visceral way while doing her part to help end the stigma of mental illness.

    The text is divided into three parts. The first is a detailed examination of the Jewish calendar, exploring how its holidays and holy days can be connected to depression. The second part is a series of mini-sermons; here, the author explores a number of stories from the Torah and draws parallels between these narratives and mental illness. Finally, the third part collects the author’s journal entries, commentary from other individuals who suffer from depression, and a first-person narrative from the author’s daughter regarding how her life has been affected by her mother’s illness.

    Throughout the book, those who struggle with depression will find inspiration and hope, while those who have a loved one with depression will gain a better understand what dealing with this condition is really like.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBookBaby
    Release dateAug 24, 2017
    ISBN9781543909500
    Ben'oni L'Benyamin: From Sorrow to Strength: My Journey With Depression

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      Book preview

      Ben'oni L'Benyamin - Rabbi Sara Berman

      reflections

      Part 1

      JEWISH HOLIDAYS

      Most Jewish holidays have agricultural, historical, and theological meanings. In exploring different themes within the holidays, I examined the significance through the lens of my depression.

      The first holiday on the Jewish calendar is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. It literally means head of the year. Unlike the secular New Year, it is not a time of celebration but a time of reflection. The ten days between Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) are known as the Days of Awe. It is a time of deep reflection, and a time during which you must ask others for forgiveness.

      Following Yom Kippur is the holiday of Sukkot. Often translated as The Festival of Booths, Sukkot is one of the three pilgrimage festivals. Traditionally, Jews build a sukkah, a temporary dwelling in which they eat and sleep during the week. Another tradition is shaking the lulav (a palm branch, a branch of myrtle, and a branch of hyssop) and etrog (a yellow, lemon-like fruit called a citron). Jews hold all the parts of the lulav and etrog together and shake it in all directions to signify that God is everywhere.

      The last holiday in Tishrei³ is Simchat Torah. Its name translates as rejoicing of the Torah. Simchat Torah celebrates the conclusion of the annual cycle of public Torah readings and the beginning of a new cycle.

      Rosh Hashanah

      On Rosh Hashanah, we start a new year. We do not start with a clean slate, but we do try to make amends for our past mistakes and strive to do better. However, our experiences and our mistakes from previous years are part of us, and they became an integral part of how we lead our lives in the coming year.

      Starting anew is a beautiful idea, but as someone with depression, I live in a world of contradictions. I want to wipe the slate clean, to start over, but the idea of change, of the unknown, can be even more terrifying than being stuck in the abyss of depression.

      Aspects of the portion of the Torah we read on the first day, Genesis 21:1–34, have always disturbed me.

      Sarah saw the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham playing. She said to Abraham, "Cast out that slave-woman and her son, for the son of that slave shall not share in the inheritance with my son Isaac." (Genesis: 21:9–10)

      Sarah banishes Hagar and Ishmael from Abraham’s house and sends them off alone in the desert. How can a seemingly kind person do something so cruel? However, as I take a deeper look at the text, I begin to understand. God says, Listen to her voice. Though translated as obey her, the actual words are listen to her voice—her voice, not her words. Abraham tried to fix the problem by listening only to her words. Perhaps if he had listened to her voice, and not just the words, he would have heard her say, I’m scared. I’m hurt. I’m angry.

      Often, when I feel depressed, I just need someone who will listen; I don’t need someone to try to fix it or make it better. Depression can make me irritable. Sometimes I say things I don’t mean. That does not mean you have to be offended by my words or take action. At times like this, my words are meaningless. However, my voice and my nonverbal cues speak volumes.

      Maybe we can learn from this parsha (section of the Torah) that sometimes listening is enough. We don’t always have to react and fix a temporary problem with a permanent solution. Maybe we can start the New Year by being a source of support to those around us and by focusing on the emotions behind the words.

      Days of Awe

      Tishrei is the month in which we focus on our guilt. It is a month during which we are asked to self-reflect and recognize our shortcomings. It is a month to make changes.

      The problem is, as a person with depression, I already feel worthless and inadequate. I already scrutinize my faults and constantly say if only or I should or I mustn’t. So, when the High Holy Days come, I focus even more on what I could have done differently, and this feeling—instead of inciting me to change—paralyzes me.

      As a Jew, I constantly feel as if I’m walking a tightrope between knowing that this period of self-reflection and change is essential and realizing that I am just a step away from falling into the deep pit of self-loathing.

      I think self-reflection is important, and I don’t want to use my depression as an excuse for not acknowledging the need to make changes. On the other hand, I can create my own novel understanding of the holiday. So, at times when I am really depressed, I try to focus on recognizing the God within me. I try to focus on where I almost hit the mark⁴ and strive to continue doing so. I am going to try to let go of the times when I completely missed the mark. In addition to forgiving others, I focus on forgiving myself.

      Yom Kippur

      Ashamnu is a traditional prayer recited on Yom Kippur. It is an alphabetic acrostic. The poem lists communal sins we have committed against others. The tradition is to pound your chest after each sin is recited.

      Instead of focusing on the sins I have committed against others, I have created a personal al chet/ashamnu—a reflection on the way I have sinned against myself. Depression lies; it tells sufferers that they are not good enough. The sin I have committed against myself relates to believing that lie. For someone who has never experienced depression, the poem may seem overly dramatic or difficult to relate to; however, to someone who has been through it, it is very real.

      For the sins I have committed against myself:

      Sukkot

      For eight nights and days, we sleep in a sukkah—a quickly made temporary shelter. A sukkah is a semiopen booth that appears as if the slightest gust of wind may blow it over. We have faith that it will keep us safe and protected in spite of its seeming fragility. In doing so, we realize that what appears delicate is actually strong.

      I have never believed that I am fragile, but I have always felt that people perceive me that way. Whereas others at school or work received constructive feedback and criticism, I was often told, Everything is fine. Part of feeling this suspicion probably stems from my low self-esteem—I don’t believe anyone could have good things to say about me, so I assume they are lying to protect me. I believe a part of that interpretation is true; however, I do think that I also come off as weak, and people don’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me the

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