Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula
    The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula
    The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula
    Ebook149 pages2 hours

    The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula

    By David Hadley

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    Someone has stolen the most valuable erotic artefact in the British National Museum of Perversion: The Golden Sex Spatula.

    To solve the mystery, the UK’s Central Perversion Enforcement Directorate has no choice but to call in the directorate’s leading investigators and experts in all that is rude and naughty: Norbert Trouser-Quandary and his wife Maureen, from the village of Little Frigging in the Wold.
    With expert help from DCI Lyn Choiry of the Metropolitan Police, Norbert and Maureen must discover who has stolen the Golden Sex Spatula and return it to the Museum as soon as possible.
    But they find out that the Golden Sex Spatula has been taken by the world’s most powerful erotic secret society, intent on unleashing Golden Sex Spatula’s overwhelming erotic potential for themselves.
    Now, Norbert, Maureen and Lyn must risk everything, including their lives, as they battle the unseen forces of the secret society to get the precious erotic artefact back before it is too late for everyone.
    If they do not recapture it in time, then the secret society could use the power of the Golden Sex Spatula to destroy all the erotic potential in the universe, bringing about the end of the world as we know it.

    [A novella: 33 000 words]

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherDavid Hadley
    Release dateNov 21, 2017
    ISBN9781370324446
    The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula
    Author

    David Hadley

    A bloke who writes stuff. Fiction across and between genres. David Hadley was born in 1959. He is married with three children and lives in the Black Country, UK. His writing has been published in several magazines in the UK and US. Many of his pieces have been Cherry-picked by the editors at abctales.com, including some selected as Story of the Week. (http://www.abctales.com/user/38640).

    Read more from David Hadley

    Related authors

    Related to The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula

    Related ebooks

    Humor & Satire For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      I, Spy

      Aug 7, 2018

      Many things happened to me for the first time on a night in April 1944. I rode in a Black Maria; I jumped from a bomber with a tangled parachute; and I began my mission in wartime France as a British secret agent. We drove in the Black Maria from Int

      17 min read

    • Article

      We Were BLOWN UP On Our Honeymoon

      May 4, 2022

      Lidiia Makarchuk, 31 If love could be bottled, my groom’s face would’ve been on the label. As I walked down the aisle towards him in my gown, he was moved to tears. In that magical moment, I felt Norbert’s deep love for me tingle through every vein

      3 min read

    • Article

      Fear And Loathing

      Mar 14, 2021

      Fear And Loathing
      2 min read

    • Article

      The Time Traveller Returns

      Oct 29, 2018

      The Time Traveller Returns
      7 min read

    • Article

      Letters

      Jul 15, 2021

      Regarding ‘Hunting Bigfoot’, in “Creatures on the Loose” [FT405:26]: adopting Justin Humphrey’s position on the reality of Bigfoot, surely one would be required to establish its nature before designating it a suitable subject for the huntsman. If it

      12 min read

    • Article

      The Bargain

      Dec 10, 2022

      “Which one of you owns G2V3889?” Cygnus glided through a luminescent star field suspended in the center of an otherwise dark, oblong studio, then turned in a slow circle to survey the twenty Agents surrounding him. “Come on, speak up.” Vega shuddered

      16 min read

    • Article

      Chronicles of NOELLA BRY

      Jun 10, 2022

      Chronicles of NOELLA BRY
      4 min read

    • Article

      Two Poems

      Sep 1, 2022

      Are you ready? I nodded. She slid the needle inand the sick cat, who only a moment before had tried toleap to the floor closed his eyes and exhaled. Andthat’s it, she said a little too brightly, pulling the needle out.That’s it? I asked. That’s all t

      3 min read

    • Article

      Come the DAWN

      Apr 8, 2020

      Come the DAWN
      21 min read

    • Article

      Condemned To Death

      Apr 14, 2020

      Condemned To Death
      5 min read

    • Article

      The Leftovers: A Nicer Story

      Jun 4, 2017

      The Leftovers: A Nicer Story
      11 min read

    • Article

      Four Of A Kind

      May 3, 2023

      Four Of A Kind
      4 min read

    • Article

      In Search Of . . .

      Mar 1, 2019

      In Search Of . . .
      7 min read

    • Article

      The Machine Stops

      Dec 28, 2018

      The Machine Stops
      6 min read

    • Article

      Quantum Radio

      Feb 22, 2023

      Quantum Radio
      5 min read

    • Article

      Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

      Feb 2, 2023

      Roger’s PROFANISAURUS
      8 min read

    • Article

      Roger’s PROFANISAURUS

      Feb 2, 2023

      Roger’s PROFANISAURUS
      8 min read

    • Article

      Retriever of Souls

      Nov 25, 2021

      What they don’t say is that, sometimes God will call you to the wilderness, gesture toward the trees, and then, hang back and wave you on alone. —“Prayer for the Wretched Among Us” from The Virginia State Colony for Epileptics and Feebleminded At nig

      18 min read

    • Article

      Pleasure Palace

      Sep 1, 2022

      Pleasure Palace
      15 min read

    • Article

      The Ferris wheel

      Jan 16, 2022

      The Ferris wheel
      4 min read

    • Article

      In Search Of ...

      Apr 1, 2019

      Fifteen-year-old Tay lives on Rannoch, a distant planet covered with water, where undersea pods or living chambers provide life support for up to three people—usually two adults and one child. Tay learns that her parents are expecting another child a

      8 min read

    • Article

      Estella’s Fate

      May 17, 2023

      Estella’s Fate
      7 min read

    • Article

      The Variety Show

      Nov 2, 2021

      The Variety Show
      2 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      The Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula - David Hadley

      CHAPTER ONE

      Clutching their Perversion Proximity Sensors close to their palpitating chests, Norbert and Maureen Trouser-Quandary wormed their way through the entangling undergrowth. They made their way cautiously towards the very edge of the clearing near the heart of Lower Crotchstaine Woods.

      There they waited, both tense with trepidation, as the scene unfolded before their eyes. Of course, the sheep were there, freshly dipped in exotic unguents and resplendent in their various fetish gear, glinting in the moonlight and casting weird and wonderful patterns in the flickering glow of the bonfires. There were weasels and badgers too, glistening brightly with freshly-applied erotic oils and lubrications. The air was heady with the scents of perversion.

      Both the Perversion Proximity Sensors were deep in the red zone, almost at the very top of the scale.

      The drums thundered and rumbled, slowly reaching a crescendo of paradiddles. Then, suddenly, from the centre-most, and most elaborate of the tents, emerged the Lower Crotchstaine Master of Perversions. He was tall, muscular, and naked – except for a ceremonial wallaby-grouting apron. He stepped into the fire-bright centre of the clearing and stood arms akimbo, ready. The naked virgins (or the nearest approximation thereof) of the village came forward. They immediately began coating his whole body with recently-warmed badger-spleen oil.

      Even at the distance where Maureen and Norbert lay concealed, they caught its heady scent on the midnight breeze.

      Then, as the drums grew even more frantic, from behind his back the Master of Perversions produced the biggest pair of sex spatulas Norbert had ever seen in his lifetime.

      Beside him, Norbert heard Maureen gasp. He put his hand out to steady and reassure his wife. She was trembling at the sight of those spatulas... and so was he.

      ‘Steady, girl, steady,’ Norbert whispered, trying to keep the awe and fear from his voice. He felt her body tremble with the deep primal urges brought on by the sight of such an immense pair of sex spatulas about to be wielded by an expert.

      Moments later, the sacrifice was brought into the centre of the clearing, strapped in the ceremonial shopping trolley. Norbert gasped out loud as he saw that it was the librarian from Lower Crotchstaine. Surely, he thought, no one would be foolish enough to risk applying sex spatulas of such a magnitude to a naked librarian!

      Such theories had been – tentatively - put forward in some of the more esoteric and arcane journals of theoretical perversion, but no-one ever dared to suggest even attempting such a dangerous experiment for real. The danger of a fallout of highly-charged sexually-active particles from the bringing together of such elemental sexual forces as a pair of giant sex spatulas and a, suitably restrained, naked librarian was just too overwhelmingly arousing to contemplate.

      Norbert had no choice.

      ‘Stop!’ he said, emerging from his secretion. He fumbled with his clothes and then pulled it out. There were gasps from all the virgins as they saw what Norbert wielded in his hand.

      ‘Bloody hell, It’s a Fully-Authorised Perversion Inspector!’ cried the Master of Perversions as he saw the badge Norbert held up in his hand. Quickly divesting himself of his wallaby-grouting accoutrements, the Master of Perversions lobbed the immense sex spatulas at Norbert. ‘Quick, Leg it!’ he cried diving into the thick woodland.

      Unfortunately, one of the large sex spatulas caught Norbert with a glancing blow to the inner thigh. Norbert fell to the ground, unmoving.

      In what seemed like only moments later to him, Norbert began to feel himself again. Soon he was erect once more. But it was only to discover Maureen kneeling in front of him, in a perversion-proof protective suit, slowly easing the enormous sex spatulas into a lead-lined sexual deviance-proof container. All around her, the rest of the Perversion Inspection Squad rounded up the last of the virgins, putting them in the back of the van, alongside the slumped, defeated and fully-manacled Master of Perversions.

      ‘Wha... what happened?’ Norbert said, ‘I remember... I...?’

      ‘You were hit with a giant sex spatula, remember?’ Maureen said with a hint of concern. ‘So, inevitably, you became instantly aroused. That meant that your brain was quite suddenly deprived of blood as it all spread towards your... well....’ She stood up, after checking the container was sealed completely, and began to remove the Perversion-Proof protective suit. ‘You must have fainted from the sudden loss of blood,’ she said.

      Norbert nodded warily.

      ‘I see the effect hasn’t fully worn off, though.’ Maureen grinned as she dropped the protective suit on the ground, swiftly followed by the rest of her clothes. ‘Maybe I could help you with that?’

      CHAPTER TWO

      Early the next morning, Maureen and Norbert were back at their CPED: UK local office in Little Frigging in the Wold, ready to compile their report on the incident in the Lower Crotchstaine woods for the Central Perversion Enforcement Directorate’s Head Office (CPED: UK Central HQ) in London.

      ‘You’d best not mention the incident at the end.’ Maureen looked up from her tablet.

      ‘What, you mean when you and I...?’

      ‘No, the fact that you were so affected by the giant sex spatula.’

      Norbert nodded. The new CPED director was a stickler for health and safety. Rumour was he’d had his own PA hosed down because she’d got too close to a vat of custard while wearing only a strap-on and a donkey jacket on an official visit to a High-Energy Perversions Laboratory at Much Piddling University.

      Maureen stroked his thigh. ‘Anyway, once I’d given you a thorough seeing-to, I decided there was nothing to worry about.’

      Norbert remembered just how exhaustive her seeing-to had been. His left thigh still ached and there was a dandelion stain on his right elbow. Still, there was work to do. So they got down to it, then they got on with compiling the report.

      Just as Norbert was contemplating the last full stop on his expenses claim, he received an urgent email from headquarters. The message insisted they drop everything and go to see the CPED Head that morning.

      ‘He hasn’t got himself stuck to his PA again, has he?’ Maureen said when Norbert showed her the message. ‘I warned him about using too much strawberry jam.’

      Norbert looked across at her and gulped.

      Maureen had already followed orders and dropped everything. She was now bending over with her back to him, so she could pick them up. She glanced back, noticing Norbert’s predicament. ‘We haven’t got time, have we?’

      ‘I know a short cut.’ he smiled. ‘Anyway, the Head will be having a break for tea and hot strumpets soon. He wouldn’t want us to interrupt that now, would he?’

      Maureen grinned at him, as she reached for her flippers and the castanets.

      CHAPTER THREE

      Norbert was wrong about that short-cut.

      ‘Where the hell have you two been? I said it was urgent!’ Lord Mucky-Puffin bawled from behind his desk. He shifted in his seat and Norbert noticed the top of his PA’s head moving up and down slowly, just below the edge of the desk. ‘Thank you, Miss Givings. That will be all, for now.’

      The PA got up, straightening her skirt, put her harmonica back in her pocket and retrieved her knickers from the in-tray. ‘Norbert, Maureen.’ She nodded to the couple, who smiled and said hello and so on to Miss Givings in return.

      ‘Enough of that.’ Lord Mucky-Puffin rose from behind his desk. ‘There are important matters afoot,’ he said striding towards his window.

      ‘A-hem,’ Maureen coughed.

      ‘What? What?’ The head of CPED: UK turned to her.

      ‘Trousers?’

      ‘What about them?’ The Lord looked confused.

      ‘Exactly.’ Maureen agreed, nodding towards his legs.

      Lord Mucky-Puffin looked down. ‘Ah, yes,’ he said. ‘Trousers, much over-rated don’t you think?’ He beamed at each of them. ‘Anyway, what do you know about the Golden Sex Spatula?’

      ‘It is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, exhibits at the National Museum of Perversion, here in London.’ Maureen turned to Norbert.

      Norbert smiled, remembering their last visit to the museum and what an inspiration it had been. After that visit, it took four weeks for him to stop grinning each time he saw a garlic press.

      ‘It’s been stolen!’

      ‘What?’ Norbert was aghast.

      Maureen slumped into her seat, too shocked to speak, or to remember she’d left her knickers back at their Little Frigging office.

      Lord Mucky-Puffin looked down, seeing Maureen’s skirt had ridden up her thighs. He was lost in thought for a while. The fact that he wore no trousers revealed to Norbert and Maureen just how hard he was thinking.

      ‘Stolen?’ Maureen’s voice ended Lord Mucky-Puffin’s contemplation, deflating him.

      ‘Yes.’ Lord Mucky-Puffin returned to his seat, slumping forward, elbows on his desk. ‘Yes, this nation’s greatest treasure has been stolen.’ He looked up at them both. ‘And we need you two to find it for us.’

      ‘Why us?’ Norbert was puzzled.

      ‘You two are the best Perversion Inspectors we have.’ Lord Mucky-Puffin sat back in his chair. ‘If anyone can find the Golden Sex Spatula, you can.’

      ‘Shouldn’t this be a job for the police?’ Maureen asked him, stroking Norbert’s thigh.

      ‘Normally, yes.’ The CPED Head stood up and strode towards his office window. ‘But we suspect there may be something of the perverse about this.’ He turned, standing proud before the couple. ‘We suspect that the Golden Sex Spatula may have been stolen for erotic purposes, not for its value as an art object and national treasure.’

      ‘But who would dare? The Golden Sex Spatula is too powerful to use.’ Maureen crossed her legs.

      Norbert crossed his legs too as he thought about the effect that the giant sex spatula had on him the previous evening. The gold would amplify the power of a sex spatula to almost unbelievable levels. This was why ordinary sex spatulas were made of wood, to prevent the build-up of power from the free flow of erotic particles towards either the wielder or wieldee,

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1