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    Monica Lewinsky's Guide to Dating
    Monica Lewinsky's Guide to Dating
    Monica Lewinsky's Guide to Dating
    Ebook95 pages59 minutes

    Monica Lewinsky's Guide to Dating

    By Anonymous Too

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Bi-lingual dyslexia? Rug dates? Subtle flirting vs. advanced flirting? Boasting and gathering evidence? The application of USDA date-size-grading criteria to more personal assessments? All is explained in this review of how Monica improved her self-image, boosted her standing among her circle of friends, achieved fame, attracted a lucrative book deal, and generally set an example for others to study.

    Monica explained her flirtation techniques to Barbara Walters by saying that everyone understands the rules. But her rules came as a surprise to many people who had grown up burdened with a more traditional view of the world. In this fact-based self-help satire, Monica explains those rules and how to follow in her footsteps, with her ten stages of dating and with her proven advice for how women should handle themselves (and others) at each stage

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisheriUniverse
    Release dateJul 1, 1999
    ISBN9781469741345
    Monica Lewinsky's Guide to Dating

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      Book preview

      Monica Lewinsky's Guide to Dating - Anonymous Too

      Monica Lewinsky’s Guide to Dating

      by Anonymous Too

      to Excel

      San Jose New York Lincoln Shanghai

      Monica Lewinsky’s Guide to Dating

      All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 1999 by Anonymous Too

      No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the publisher.

      This edition published by toExcel Press,

      an imprint of iUniverse.com, Inc.

      For information address:

      iUniverse.com, Inc.

      620 North 48th Street Suite 201

      Lincoln, NE 68504-3467

      www.iuniverse.com

      ISBN: 1-58348-336-5

      ISBN: 978-1-4697-4134-5 (ebook)

      LCCN: 99-63159

      Contents

      Preface

      Stage 1

      Choosing the Man

      Stage 2

      Getting Close

      Stage 3

      Planning the Encounter

      Stage 4

      Subtle Flirting

      Stage 5

      Advanced Flirting

      Stage 6

      Dating

      Stage 7

      Keeping the Relationship Strong

      Stage 8

      Boasting and Gathering Evidence

      Stage 9

      Getting Dumped

      Stage 10

      Getting Even

      Quotations

      Endnotes

      To Kenneth Starr

      In the spirit of forgiveness, may my good wishes follow you to your eternity in Dante’s Eighth Circle.

      Preface

      Monica knows the rules of dating. Many people reading the Starr report, watching television network coverage, seeing Monica’s interviews, watching MSNBC analysis and CNN analysis and Fox News analysis and CNBC analysis, or reading Monica’s book learned that they, on the other hand, did not know the rules of dating, and that is unfair. Everyone should know the same rules.

      That is the purpose of this book: to ensure that in this great country of ours, where everyone can aspire to be President, or at least aspire to the President, everyone gets to compete on a level playing field, knowing the same set of rules. The book is about Equality. It’s about Opportunity. It’s about America at its finest, or, at least, most popular. It was written for the good of mankind, to make this a better world.

      This book explains Monica’s rules of dating, but Monica is far too busy piecing her shattered life back together and re-establishing her privacy through desperate attendance at award shows, premieres, famous restaurants, book signing tours, interview sessions, and other public events to write page after page of actual sentences herself. The words were put to paper by a well-respected, world-famous psychic who channeled Monica’s thoughts. The good professor declines to accept the thanks of the dating-age population (approximately ages 13 through 69) of the country, and prefers to remain anonymous in order to preserve his reputation for dealing with only matters of the most elevated importance.

      This great man—let’s call him Professor XXX—has a long and distinguished career assisting law enforcement authorities in locating crime scenes and identifying criminals, as well as in establishing the intent of recently-departed dear ones in cases of disputed wills and even in finding lost pets. He is an expert channeler, and used his considerable skills in this area to record the advice in this guide. He reports that the mental communication from Monica was exceptionally clear, free of the usual distractions such as plans, mortgages, bills, philosophy, introspection, regrets, and other daily mental activity that he often finds in peoples’ minds and that clutter most such communication. After placing himself in a straight-backed chair in a slightly darkened, quiet room with a flickering television whose volume was turned down to an indistinct, repetitive mumble, Professor XXX de-focused his eyes and focused his mind on Monica. After this intense focus relieved his mind of intelligent thought, he sank into a semi-hypnotic state. In this state, Monica’s thoughts came to him unbidden, and perhaps even unbeknownst to Monica herself, as though she were unconsciously speaking to the world through him. Her guidance was recorded, transcribed, and edited to become this volume. The exhausting channeling sessions lasted for hours, with breaks during the dinner hour wherever Monica was. (Taking in protein seemed to interfere with Monica’s thought processes.)

      The Professor notes that unlike his psychic efforts to assist law enforcement, his efforts in this case seemed to be considerably enhanced with the internal application of measured amounts of eighteen-year-old Scotch. In fact, his assistants noted that Monica’s volubility increased in direct proportion to the amounts of Scotch applied—a scientific finding that may lead to more effective psychic support to law enforcement in the future as well as the gathering of information from beyond.

      This, then, is the edited transcript of Monica’s rules of dating. Like Richard Nixon’s edited transcripts, they can present only the most essential elements; they can not re-create the experiences that led to success, loving (albeit limited) relationships, and world fame. But whether your goal is an immediate, intense love affair with a public figure or a long-term, profitable relationship, this volume will bring your dating skills to the very peak of fin-de-siecle social consciousness and intimacy.

      "He had a glow about him that was magnetic. He exudes a sexual energy. I

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