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    God Is a Hoot!
    God Is a Hoot!
    God Is a Hoot!
    Ebook213 pages1 hour

    God Is a Hoot!

    By J. J. Lauria

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Who is this book for?

    Anyone with a sense of humor, Believer or not, and believe it or not! For maximizing enjoyment, a Bible is indispensable, being the well-spring of this book.

    The author has been a licensed preacher for over twenty years, and a Bible teacher for twice that long, has written several other books including six on poetry and two humor-fiction works. His already-documented goal is to write one hundred books or celebrate his one hundredth birthday, whichever comes last.

    He lives in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn, which he claims is a unique home base fueling a self-confessed writing eccentricity, and providing an abundance of fine eateries, ensuring with a few bucks, hell never be in want for good food when the cupboard is bare.

    Here are titles, chronologically-ordered and published also by Authorhouse, of almost all his books:
    Deep Space Probe To Poetria
    Payload From Poetria
    Musings Of The Mad Poet From Poetria
    Poemes That Stirre The Soule & Moove The Bowelles
    Poems Are Eggs Laid By Authors Too Lazy To Write Novels And Too Chicken To Hatch Plots
    How! The States Really Got Their Names or Laurias Legendary
    Lowdown
    Poom!
    All About The Presidents -or- Foibles Ole Aesop Would Have Loved To Write

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAuthorHouse
    Release dateJun 9, 2011
    ISBN9781456727604
    God Is a Hoot!
    Author

    J. J. Lauria

    Lauria is eccentric, a licensed preacher, and Bible teacher for over forty years, is in his eighth decade, published almost a dozen books, written several hundred poems, married to same woman for over a half century, father of four, grandfather of six, retired from a premier Pharmaceutical firm almost twenty years, where he'd been employed in several positions from international sales and marketing to office and computer facilities management for nearly forty years. This broadly varied background has given him exposure to many settings and situations which combine into his psyche as might a great variety of vegetables being processed through a juicer. The product has a distinct flavor palatable to most tastes, and possibly those which seek something special, something rare.

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      Book preview

      God Is a Hoot! - J. J. Lauria

      © 2011 J.J. Lauria. All rights reserved.

      No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

      First published by AuthorHouse 6/2/2011

      ISBN: 978-1-4567-2761-1 (sc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4567-2760-4 (e)

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2011900806

      Printed in the United States of America

      Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

      and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

      Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any Web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      Contents

      Introduction:

      Dedication

      Noah & His Magic Zoo-Boat

      Ham Was Not Kosher

      They Were No Longer Able

      Because Babel Became Its Label

      The Contagion Of A Morning Mid-Rash

      Lot & Saltina

      Esau, The Cookie Monster

      Jacob The Angelmugger

      Beautiful Dreamer

      Twincestually Yours

      Frogzahoppin

      Complainers Shall Not Live By Bread Alone

      Balaam, Beater Of Backtalking Asses

      Of Midianites, Gideonites,

      & The National Draft

      Jonah The Jinxman

      Micah, The Penitent, Thieving Idolater

      "Oh Nebbie! That Music Just Sends Me

      To My Knees!"

      Don’t Mess With The Ark

      ‘Cause Things Go Bump In The Dark

      Foreskin Mountain

      If Walls Could Talk

      King David & The Magic Hot Water Bottle

      Ahaziah & The Fatal Tishbite

      Jumping Jehoshaphat, It’s Micaiah!

      Pigtales Of Porculus & Pigula

      Peter & The Fishucopia

      When The Saints Go Marching In

      Three Little Words

      More Than Money-Changing

      Apostolic Headship

      If You Knew Soothie Like I Know Soothie

      Sincere Idolatry

      Bonds With No Fixed Return

      The Deadly Dreamy Picture Window

      Conclusion

      Introduction:

      What is a hoot? A sound, a natural throat sound of an owl or a similar cry. It also means a very small amount, as in, Who gives a hoot?

      Why to this author is God a hoot? Firstly, in the sense of an owl’s behavior, He is nocturnal; but being even beyond that, He never sleeps(Psalm 121:4), and is eternal! Further, in the first book that through the ages has stood as His Word, we find much professing He gives a hoot for His creatures and creation, i.e. infinitely many hoots!

      Well then, one might reason, why not be more accurate and say God is an owl? This: because the word Hoot has also been used in modern times to describe something or someone that prompts or provokes amusement and/or laughter.

      That’s what this book is about. The Bible is the written expression of the Mind of God, published and proclaimed so mankind can know that He is, what He thinks, specifically how He feels about His creatures and creation, and what His plans are for their future.

      With this perspective, God Is A Hoot focuses on the Creator’s Sense of humor. It is real. It is there, for from where else would we have gotten ours? But to identify and appreciate it, one must activate the gift, i.e. our sense of humor. Once activated, one might categorize the Bible’s

      Direct humor

      Indirect humor

      Opportune humor

      and

      Reflective humor

      One with a different mindset or higher intellect could likely identify more kinds than these, but hopefully you’ll find it convenient to categorize Bible Hoots in these four ways:

      Direct ............ clear in its intent and expression, i.e. face value of its words.

      Indirect.......... accompanying a statement, instance, account in a subliminal way.

      Opportune..... a portion of Scripture lending itself to a humorous exploitation of its text, and the way it is stated.

      Reflective........ that which prompts thought on exo-Biblical topics and accounts, instances, concerns, etc.

      A Bible illustration may possess more than one category. I’ve selected thirtythree examples of GodHoots (new word--write in margin of your dictionary between godhood and Godiva). That is one for every day of the month, plus two for those wanting to get a head start on the next 332 to make a year’s worth.

      They are there in the Book of God, trust me. No, better yet, don’t trust me, look for yourself or wait for a possible book #2 on God Is A Hoot!

      Objective reader: Wait a minute, Lauria,

      how do I know if I’ve got the gift?

      Lauria: Oh, if you’re unsure you have a sense of humor, read the book. If any of it amuses you, you’ve got the gift. If it doesn’t, contact me promptly and we’ll fix an appointment for you with our humor technicians team. They are five women in their eighties who have had makeovers. You will be asked to sit in a chair with your feet secured in stocks. Two will tickle your feet with Flamingo feathers (from Florida, of course, where the retirement community collects them for decorating, hat-making, and hedonistic purposes).

      The other three, a trio wearing wigs styled after the vintage hairdos of the Andrews Sisters (Maxine, Patty, & LaVerne of mid-20th Century and earlier renown), have dentures due to their addiction to Baby Ruth Candy Bars. For the humor test, they will remove their dentures and sing When You’re Schmiling. If that doesn’t do it, after three attempts, your remains will be returned to the coffin at my expense and the trio will sing at the Wake, Sho Long, It’sh Been Good To Know You.

      A valid criticism of this introduction could be I wanted the author to identify in which category/categories he would put each of the thirty-three Hoots. I avoided doing that. Why should we quarrel and or quibble about categories? Should I start a civil war in the local churches and maybe synagogues?

      Another criticism might be, The author could have given an example of each category so we could see the differences between them.

      My response: John 14:26 can be very helpful here. If one has no relationship with the Lord or doesn’t read the Bible, now is the time, and that verse in the 14th chapter is a perfect guideline!

      A further criticism could be, I don’t like owls, especially ones that talk.

      Oh, sorry! If Ollie or Orlando hears you, being in the illustrations herein, they might respond, Then we don’t give a hoot!

      Other Objections to the book:

      From the humorless, the ascetic Supersaint, the intimidated-by-whoever not to laugh, and those with intestinal delays (You figure it out. It’s a 12-letter word beginning with C and ending in pation):

      You know, the Bible is sacred, and not a jokebook!

      [All the days of the afflicted are evil; but he that is of a merry heart has a continual feast. Prov.15:15]

      [A merry heart does good like a medicine. Prov. 17:22]

      [...God has given us richly all things to enjoy. I Tim. 6:17]

      I think you’re taking the awesome Name of the Lord in vain! This is a Commandment-breaker!

      [Perhaps you’re right! But to be safe, read Psalm 16:11. Adding fiber to one’s diet helps, and with at least one daily serving of prunes.]

      [This is the day which the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.--Ps. 118:24]

      [The joy of the Lord is your strength(Neh. 8:10), and exercising the humor muscles helps one carry daily burdens]

      [What makes owls wise is they give a hoot as ordained by God]

      [Moreover when you fast, be not as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance; for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Mt.6:16]

      One more class of likely objectors is the Politically Correct. I can hear them after reading the book:

      Brother, this is sacrilege! At least one fifth of your Hoot scenarios are sex-related! Selecting such illustrations could tarnish your image and reputation, reflecting upon you as having a dirty mind!

      I’d be inclined to answer with a joke about a fixated man whose wife compelled him to see a psychiatrist because of his obsexion (new word just coined). The doctor gave him a Rorschach test (ink blot test named for Swiss Psychiatrist Dr. Hermann Rorschach who let ink drops fall upon the edges of a folded blank sheet of paper, then to be unfolded for a patient to be asked what the abstractly formed blot resembled or reminded of).

      Each time the obsexed was given a different blot, his impression was a description of something sexual. The doctor then addressed him: Sir, after hearing and analyzing your impressions, I must conclude that you have an extremely dirty mind! The husband replied in surprise, I do? And who drew all those pictures?

      Maybe the illustration doesn’t fit, maybe it does, or maybe I just need a few Hoots to help me get by. Perhaps you do also. Anyway, I hope you survive the book because as mentioned earlier, a possible Book #2 may materialize in another attempt to slay the reader.

      Why Bible Quotes Herein Are In

      The Old King James English,

      Barely Modified

      The Old King James English is quoted in this book because it lends itself to mirth (what means that?) owing to its quaintness and perhaps the nostalgia of the earlier days of one’s life when its use

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