Understanding Male Sexual Abuse: Why Male Victims Remain Silent

Contents

Preface

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Conclusion

Appendix A

Reference

To all who helped to make this work possible and continue to believe in me. In the memory of Sylvie Cameron, for without her help and encouragement my dream would not have become a reality.

When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. With every challenging experience there’s an opportunity to grow, enhance your life, or learn something invaluable about yourself.

—Oprah Winfrey

Preface

Names in this book of those who share their stories, which are all true, have been changed in order to protect their identities.

Their stories were documented by the survivors in their authentic voices, and these personal stories were written in the emotional language of the victims. I edited them to correct grammar and punctuation when it was important for the sake of clarity.

Given the ever-changing nature of the Internet, any web address or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid.

The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author. The author, while he has done extensive research on male sexual abuse, is not a fully trained researcher and is by no means attempting to draw scientific conclusion from this work. The views of the author do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher. The publisher does not assume any responsibility for the views or opinion mentioned in this book.

Acknowledgments

I take this opportunity to first and foremost show my gratitude to Professor Benjamin Sher, who was my constructive-action instructor at the Metropolitan College of New York (MCNY). This book would not have been possible if it were not for his guidance and patience. In addition, the faculty at MCNY played a huge role in my advancement; their knowledge of the social service and business worlds opened my eyes to an endless set of opportunities. I thank my fellow classmates, the masters in public administration class of 2009. Special recognition must be given to Sylvie Cameron, my academic advisor in whose memory this book dedicated, who saw more in me than I saw in myself; I could always count on her support and creative mind to push me toward believing and achieving my dream.

Special thanks to the dedicated staff and community researchers at New York City Alliance Against Sexual Assault and all those who work on Project ENVISION. Thanks to those pillars of support, Chris and Beth Ann, and the team at the Bronx District Attorney’s Office. A special thanks to the many people from around the world I met at the 2010 Male Survivors conference held at John Jay College in New York City. I received a better understanding of male sexual abuse from a global perspective, and it redirected the outline of this book.

To all my friends who have been supportive, patient, and understanding, especially when I had little or no time for them.

I cannot forget the men who were brave enough to share their stores with me. Without them, this work would not be possible. I am greatly indebted to you all for your courage and strength. It is your voices that have shaped this work, and it is your stories that will leave a lasting impression on all who read this book.

I would also like to take the opportunity to thank my coworkers for taking part in the questionnaire section and for M. E. C. for believing in me, the work I have ahead of me, and for giving me some of the best counseling a man could get. Thank you for your patience and understanding, and ignoring me when my mind was obviously elsewhere.

When no one seemed to believe in me, exceptional thanks goes to Sonia Haynes for writing the foreword.

The final product could not have become a reality without the help of Antoine Graigwell, who for the second time around kept nightly vigils with me to go through the book and guide me to the changes that were need. Nuff love and respect for being one of my biggest supporters.

To the friends I have lost along the way, especially Grimaldo Medrano; you are forever missed.

Deepest gratitude to the two most important men in my life—the two who have shared my pain and my struggles; endured my hardships with me; and given me unconditional love, support, and friendship. The world is a much better place because of you both; from the beginning, you saw the dream, lived my dream, and kept me in check when my world was no longer in balance.

To my partner, who has given me unconditional love, even when I was not deserving of it. It is the love you showed me that helped me to realize I can trust again.

Finally, to my immediate family, who are supportive and understanding in allowing me to once again deal with my past and pain in such a public forum.

Foreword

By Sonia Haynes, MS

Certified School Psychologist

New York City

Childhood sex abuse is often an undiscussed subject. Children are often ashamed or feel as if they deserved what happened to them, and many carry the guilt of feeling they encouraged their abuser. It can take many years for someone to open up about his or her abuse; many never tell their stories. While in as many as 93 percent of sex abuse cases the victims know the perpetrator and while 63 percent are family members, an estimated 88 percent of abuse cases are never reported.

I have seen many children and their families destroyed by the secret. Many children often blame themselves and then lead destructive lives so as not to face their feelings of shame and guilt. Children who experience child abuse and neglect are 59 percent more likely to get arrested as a juvenile, 28 percent more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30 percent more likely to commit a violent crime.

Too often, people will not speak about their past for fear of rejection. In my experience as a certified school psychologist, I have worked with many children and young adults who do not want to disclose the history of their sexual abuse. Most feared disclosure because the abusers were family members; others felt they deserved it. The hardest part of working with these children and young adults is helping them understand that abuse is unacceptable and that speaking out about it does not make them any less of a person.

I applaud O’Brien Dennis for having the courage to be open about his experience of abuse. It takes a great amount of strength and is a tremendous accomplishment to not only survive but to tell your story as well. His first book, The Cries of Men: Voices of Jamaican Men Who Have Been Raped and Sexually Abused, was inspiring. I have recommended it to many clinicians, suggesting they read his story and use it as an example with their clients. After reading his book, I realized that there are many more people out there who are suffering at the hands of people who say they care but really do not, and as a result, the victims are afraid to tell. While the statistics show that girls are more often abused than boys, the tendency of boys and men to not to report their victimizations may affect these statistics.

The emotional trauma associated with abuse is likely to swing from one extreme to another. This can lead children and young adults to exhibit maladaptive behaviors. Many children likely suffer from a range of psychological and behavioral problems from mild to severe and from short term to long term. These problems typically include depression, anxiety, and inappropriate sexual interests, which many carry with them into adulthood.

Men and women who have suffered sexual abuse have deep emotional scars. Some abused children are likely to be ongoing victims, falling prey to others. Most will not receive any assistance from others, not because people do not care, but because they feel it may be none of their business. While there are many treatment facilities for abused children and young adults, one who is the victim of abuse must be willing to seek out this assistance. Telling your story is the first and hardest step. Once you take that step, it will open up a whole new world where you can feel free. It is important to remember the effects of sexual abuse. It is also important that clinicians as well as lay people not judge someone who was abused. Being abused, especially as a child or in prison, is not something a person encourages, rather it is something for which the abuser or perpetrator should be ashamed. Sexual abuse is a crime that has to be handled delicately and discreetly so to avoid turning the spotlight on the victim.

Dennis’s ability to tell his story and explore the other areas of sexual abuse in this book open up a whole new opportunity for him to help others. Undoubtedly, this new book is likely to provide assistance to others who would not be able to understand what sex abuse is and to whom it can happen. It may assist others in understanding why many people do not report their abuse and inspire many others who are suffering in silence.

Introduction

Following the publication of my book The Cries of Men: Voices of Jamaican Men Who Have Been Raped and Sexually Abused, many people wanted me to write a follow-up to my story. That was going to be difficult, simply because I had already told my story and there wasn’t much left to be said about my life. Often, as I did book readings and presentations about male sexual abuse, I realized that many people still didn’t fully understand the scope and ripple effects of the problem, and how male sexual abuse impacted our daily lives both directly and indirectly. Definitively, this isn’t a continuation of The Cries of Men.

While doing my thesis topic Understanding Male Sexual Abuse for the masters-degree program I undertook in 2009, I was expected to create a constructive action plan, which meant I had to find an organization, do a SWOT (a SWOT analysis is a strategic planning method used to evaluate the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats involved in a project or in an organization) analysis of the organization, and create an action plan to solve a particular problem. At the time, I was privileged to be working with the New York City Alliance Against Sexual Abuse, and they agreed that I could focus on their organization, identify a problem, and implement an action plan to resolve what I found. My internship, also part of the masters program, allowed for me to be trained as a researcher with Project ENVISION.

The Alliance, in conjunction with eleven of New York City’s rape-crisis programs, is implementing a six-year, citywide project to prevent sexual violence. The goal of Project ENVISION is to change the social norms that promote and permit sexual violence in the city so that there is a reduction in sexual violence. One approach to such a multilevel change is community mobilization, which involves organizing communities for the purpose of developing and implementing programs that are tailored to a specific issue. The success of this project hinges on bringing together various segments or sectors of each of the communities involved in the demonstration project so that they can work together to analyze the causes and effects of sexual violence within their communities and to pool resources for design and action.

While I enjoyed working on Project ENVISION and am grateful for the abundance of knowledge and skill sets that I learned, I realized that ENVISION only revolved around female sexual abuse. On many occasions, in formal and informal discussions, I expressed a strong opposition to the feminist approach to solve sexual violence. My vision was to research male and female sexual abuse. I felt it was pointless to ignore the reality that men are sexually abused, especially with the media being caught up in the child sex-abuse scandals in the Roman Catholic Church. I could neither continue with pure conscience, nor could I be a hypocrite. Up against many brick walls at ENVISION, I decided to walk away from that experience and refocused my energies on conducting an independent study of understanding male sexual abuse. Using The Cries of Men as my platform, I decided to let society have a better understanding of male sexual abuse. Out of this emerged another part of my vision, the O’Brien Dennis Foundation.

The O’Brien Dennis Foundation was launched in the fall of 2009. It was born of a need to conduct research into male sexual abuse by using the well-established feminist approach and to give men an outlet to cope with their abuse. The foundation has passed its planning stages and is currently pursuing funding opportunities to start research projects. Launching the O’Brien Dennis Foundation was not a challenge to the work of the Alliance, rather it was a means to form a coalition to get a better understanding of male sexual abuse and to work collectively to end sexual violence.

For male victims of sexual abuse, their violation has been seen as a taboo topic tainted with homosexuality and guilt and shame. The lack of understanding of what causes a man to sexually abuse another male and society’s age-old definition of masculinity have left so many male victims voiceless. In society’s narrow definition of masculinity, men find it difficult to cope with male-on-male sexual abuse. Through research, I was able to gather enough information to prove that male sexual abuse is significantly underreported and undertreated. The relaunch of The Cries of Men, which is an autobiographical account of rape, was used as the guiding tool for this research. Finally, the public was able to put a face to the problem and listen to the voice of one who survived and who was brave enough to say it happened to me. The research is helping to change social perceptions about male sexual abuse, and finally a voice is being given to the subject. Dialogue is beginning to open up, and empathy towards male victims is building. The product will be a research-driven foundation, which will continue delving into the many issues surrounding male sexual abuse and how to bring about meaningful change.