Maps for Men: A Guide for Fathers and Sons and Family Businesses

Copyright © 2016 Edgell Franklin Pyles, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-5127-3966-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-3965-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-4007-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016906801

WestBow Press rev. date: 6/20/2016

Contents

Foreword

David Bork, a pioneer in the family-business industry

Theory

Great Gatsby Curve and Shirtsleeves to Shirtsleeves

Preface

Why a father and son wrote MAPS for Men

Introduction

How fathers and sons in a family business can navigate the Great Gatsby Curve and avoid the Shirtsleeves to Shirtsleeves adage by using psychological and spiritual teachings and tools

Part I: Men

Understanding Male Psychology and Archetypes

Henry---The Entrepreneur

Henry Ford was born on a family farm in 1865. When he died in 1947, he had an international reputation and was one of the wealthiest men in the world. His greatest failure was the treatment of his only son, Edsel.

Chapter 1 Hero Stages

Three Stages of the Hero Journey

Chapter 2 Hero Development

Twelve Challenges in Hero Development

Chapter 3 Hero Psychology

Eight Temperaments of a Businessman

Chapter 4 Hero Archetypes

Six Hero Archetypes and Their Shadows

A Family Story

Three Brothers and a Construction Company

Part II: Alignment

Balancing Personal and Professional Expectations

Edsel---The Heir

Henry started early to prepare Edsel for a major role in the family business.

Chapter 5 Maturity Levels

Three Maturity Levels for Men

Chapter 6 Fathers

Active and the Absent Fathers

Chapter 7 Sons

Six Stages of Male Progression

Chapter 8 Father-Son Terrain

Father--Son Relationship Development

A Family Story

An Emancipation Letter

Part III: Principles

Maintaining High Standards during Difficult Times

Henry and Edsel---The Bond and Bondage

Edsel was the successful president of the Ford Motor Company for nearly twenty-five years. But he was never far from the control and influence of his famous father.

Chapter 9 Family Dynamics

Autonomy in a Family System

Chapter 10 Money and Meaning

Four Investments: Wealth, Interpersonal, Spiritual, and Human

Chapter 11 Personal and Universal Tragedies

Five Stages of Grief

Chapter 12 Resiliency and Decisions

Four Red Flags and Four Safeguards for Decision Making

A Family Story

Death in the Family

Part IV: Skills

Handling Challenges with Insight and Integrity

Henry and Henry II---The New Ford

The ownership and leadership succession in the Ford Motor Company, from Henry to his name sake, Henry II, was filled with drama and sadness.

Chapter 13 Adult Contracts

Boundaries in Parent and Adult Children Interactions

Chapter 14 Trust Development

Development and Assessment of Trust in Family Relationships

Chapter 15 Mature Adult Communication

Three Steps in Mature Communication

Chapter 16 Father-Son Succession

Succession as a Process, not an Event

A Family Story

Mixing Oil and Water

Conclusion

Executive Abstract

Appendix

Endnotes

Bibliography

About the Authors

About Aspen Consulting Team, LLC

"I loved reading MAPS for Men"

Ken Blanchard

coauthor, The New One Minute Manager ®

What Men (and one Woman) are saying about

MAPS for Men

My son, Scott, and I have worked together for almost twenty-five years. I loved reading MAPS for Men because it not only gave me a few reasons to pat myself on the back but also caused me to rethink certain things that can make our working relationship even better.

---Ken Blanchard, Global Leader in Leadership and Team Effectiveness.

Coauthor, The One Minute Manger. The New One Minute Manager. Collaboration Begins with You. Lead Like Jesus: Lessons for Everyone from the Greatest Leadership Role Model of all Time.

The father-son relationship can be tricky for any family---especially when the two work together in a family business. MAPS for Men offers outstanding research and practical principles that fathers and sons can use to not only work together better but to understand each other better. It's a must-have resource for any and every family business.

---Dave Ramsey, Host, The Dave Ramsey Show, nationally syndicated radio New York Times best-selling author.

Author, The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness. Financial Peace: Revisited. More Than Enough: The 10 Keys to Changing Your Financial Destiny. EntreLeadership: 20 Years of Practical Business Wisdom from the Trenches. How to Have More Than Enough: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Abundance. The Legacy Journey: A Radical View of Biblical Wealth and Generosity.

Coauthor, Smart Money Smart Kids: Raising the Next Generation to Win with Money.

MAPS for Men is a wonderful book full of superb insight and information.

---Paul Schorr III, CEO, ComCor Holding, Inc.

Past President, Chief Executives Organization.

I read MAPS for Men today. I should say that I devoured it---very interesting and helpful model for life.

---Paul Chip Schorr IV, Founder and Chairman, Augusta Columbia Capital.

My father and I shared partnership in the law firm of which he was a senior partner. I wish we had had Edgell and Thomas's wonderful book MAPS for Men to help us with our journey as law partners and, much more importantly, as father and son. This book is a gift from the authors to all fathers and sons.

---James Jay E. Hughes Jr., Esq.

Author, Family Wealth: Keeping It in the Family, How Family Members and Their Advisors Preserve Human, Intellectual, and Financial Assets for Generations. Family: The Compact Among Generations, Answers and Insights from a Lifetime of Helping Families Flourish.

Coauthor, The Cycle of the Gift: Family Wealth and Wisdom. The Voice of the Rising Generation: Family Wealth and Wisdom.

The understanding set forth in this book is fabulous learning for all parents with sons. As a single mom, I raised my three sons from ages one, three, and five years old, while building a national business. The transition of wealth concepts described in MAPS are immensely dynamic, relevant, and applicable! It is a must read for all entrepreneurs!

---Cordia Harrington, Founder and CEO, the Tennessee Bun Company.

The Bun Lady.

As a third-generation CEO working on the family transition to the fourth generation, MAPS for Men is one of the most comprehensive guides to families in business that I have ever seen. The stories, wisdom, guidance, research, and tools are practical and can be easily understood. I believe the healthy transition of family can be the most rewarding and, at times, the most difficult work of a family CEO. Ten years ago, when my wife and I started the development work with our children, we did not have a document that was so broad and directive like MAPS. It would have been invaluable and now will help for generations into the future.

---Charles S. Luck IV, CEO, Luck Companies.

Founder, InnerWill.

What a wonderful piece of work. I actually read it in one sitting, an incredibly useful guide. It is hard not to be a bit apologetic about writing a book about wealthy men and their relationships with their sons. But this father and son---a minister/psychologist, and a businessman/coach, have created something very special. It is a collection of psychological wisdom that is about fathers, sons, and their relationship in the context of a family of wealth. Using stories like the three generation evolution of the Ford family, and others, this is not a book that shares a few homilies or gives things in black and white. It is about exploring the inner aspects of a complex relationship, using what they call MAPS, to understand and guide the journey. Within MAPS are a broad number of psychological and spiritual tools and models, which are linked to stories and action, to come up with a synthesis that is not only highly readable but one in which each model and stage can be linked to your own life. As a son, a father, and grandfather, I found each chapter and the whole book incredibly meaningful.

---Dennis Jaffe, PhD, Wise Counsel Research Associates.

Professor of Psychology, Emeritus, Saybrook University.

Past president, Association of Humanistic Psychology.

Author, Working with the Ones You Love: Creating a Successful Family Business. Stewardship in Your Family Enterprise: Developing Responsible Family Leadership Across Generations. Take This Job and Love It! Organizational Values, Mission and Vision. From Burnout to Balance. Rekindling Commitment. Getting Your Organization to Change. Managing Change at Work. Empowerment.

Coauthor, Working with Family Businesses: A Guide for Professionals.

Our family legacy is now in the fifth generation and is served by the Family Office that was started forty-one years ago. We sold our key holding, Freedom Communications, to Blackstone in 2004. Being the founder and CEO of the Family Office, and Board Member of Freedom Communications, I truly appreciated Edgell and Tom's work and the guidelines in MAPS. Our company and family consulted with Edgell and Tom over a three-year period. The lessons learned from that process will bear fruit for many years and generations to come.

---David Hardie, Founder and CEO, Hallador Management, LLC.

If you want to understand what it is to be a man, MAPS is essential reading. Edgell and Tom concisely and cogently distill decades' worth of study and thinking on how men develop and why they behave the way they do. If you want to be a better man, father, or business leader, this is a terrific book for you. And if you are a woman who wants to understand men better, MAPS is all you need to know!

---Morgan Wandell, Head of Drama Series, Amazon Studios.

MAPS for Men is an informative, enjoyable, and well-organized read for members of an affluent family. The authors skillfully approach the subject from an in-depth psychological point of view and provide Biblical support. They explain, 'how to' sojourn the path of wealth both spiritually and holistically. Being from an ultra-high net worth family, Edgell's wise counsel to me pertaining to the 'father--son' issue has been enormously invaluable!

---Reverend David P. Bridges, Novelist and Historian.

Author, The Bridges of Washington County: Spanning Work and Nature. Fighting With Jeb Stuart: Major James Breathed and the Confederate Horse Artillery. The Broken Circle. The Best Coal Company in All Chicago, and How It Got That Way.

MAPS for Men is a terrific guide for all fathers and sons! Having worked with my father in a family business for thirty-eight years, I found the insights fascinating as a way to look back on our relationship and helpful as we continue our Hero Journeys!

---Bob Wiesemann, Former CEO, Continental Carbonic Products, Inc. President, Wiesemann Investment Group, LLC.

We

dedicate MAPS to:

Dad and Granddad

Marty, Linda, Carly, Katie, Cassie, Kathy, and Irma

We are grateful for the inspiration, support, and guidance from:

Paul J. Meyer (1928--2009), parishioner, friend, bestselling author, and servant of God, who continues to inspire us

Martha C. Pickett, Cordia Harrington, Heather Gosda Beach, and Alicia Creyts, who counseled us about our fixation on male psychology

Male friends and colleagues, who encouraged our enthusiasm to write about fathers and sons

In Memory of

Shelton

(1977--2014)

Models

1. Hero Stages

2. Hero Development

3. Hero Levels

4. Hero Archetypes

5. Male Maturity Flow

6. Male Life Cycles

7. Male Maturity Stages

8. Father--Son Relationship Stages

9. Relationship Development

10. Four Investments

11. Stages of Grief

12. Red Flags and Safeguards

13. Parent Adult Child---Ego States

14. Triangles in a Family

15. Mature Adult Communication

16. Succession Curve

17. Top Income Benchmarks by States

18. Trust Assessment Tool

Foreword by David Bork

In the interest of full disclosure, Edgell Franklin Pyles has been a good friend for more than twenty-five years, and we share a large community of interests. In the early 90s, we explored together the works of Robert Moore, James Hillman, Robert Bly, and others. I met both Robert Moore and Robert Bly at a retreat in Aspen, Colorado, organized and sponsored by Edgell.

This was called the men's movement, and we were excited about it because it sought to further define what it meant to be a man at the end of the twentieth century. It was grounded in Jungian psychology, and while well researched and articulated, it could be theoretical and esoteric. Our explorations of this work produced a practical approach and have been on parallel, but different, paths.

We were interested in understanding the dynamics that take place between fathers and sons at both the personal and professional level. Our first step was to comprehend and appreciate the relationship we had with our respective fathers at a deeper level. These good men were grounded in a totally different era and did their best---for that, we give thanks. But what we wanted was a more genuine and potent relationship with our adult sons.

Edgell and Tom have created MAPS for Men as another step in that process. As a father-son consulting team to executives and family-business leaders, they bring a unique perspective to this work. Edgell is a master at digesting complex matters and conveying them in a clear, concise manner ... often using some kind of acronym that helps these principles work in real life situations. Tom is very pragmatic and focused on action and results. Using their concepts has had a powerful and positive impact on my relationship with my adult son and has increased my personal understanding of the male relationships in my family, which now spans four generations.

Further, I have had the privilege of using some of the maps with men in my consultation work with family businesses. These concepts help fathers and sons reframe their relationship into something that is more meaningful and helpful in meeting their goals, rather than repeating generational patterns.

Men who resolve poor dynamics and develop mature relationships with their fathers are better fathers to their children, in and out of the family business.

It has been a privilege to work side by side with Edgell as we help men operate in the complex arena of family-business relationships. This book is a toolbox full of ideas for improving their interactions and handling complex issues. Many men have found these concepts and techniques insightful and invaluable.

---David Bork, Family Business Consultant

Author, Family Business, Risky Business: How to Make It Work The Little Red Book of Family Business

Coauthor, Working with Family Businesses: A Guide for Professionals

Theory

The Great Gatsby Curve

"The fortunes of one's parents seem to matter

increasingly in American society."¹

The Great Gatsby Curve is an economic theory named for F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel, The Great Gatsby. Dr. Alan Krueger, Princeton University economist and former chairman of the Council of Economic Advisors, introduced the Great Gatsby Curve in his report to the Center for American Progress on January 12, 2012.

Dr. Krueger illustrated the important connections and correlations between fathers and sons on the economic ladder and pointed to the low mobility rate, or stickiness, at the top and bottom of the income levels in the United States. Sons raised by fathers in the top 1 percent and the bottom 99 percent are very likely to occupy the same position as their fathers, contingent on financial, interpersonal, spiritual, and human capital incentives, investments, and opportunities.

Shirtsleeves to Shirtsleeves

Riches ... seldom remain long in the same family.²

In a 1990 article, Economics: The Trunk and the Branches, Dr. Kenneth E. Boulding, distinguished professor of economics at the University of Colorado, offered a theory on generational wealth transition, first note by Adam Smith. "There is some evidence for the 'shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations' phenomenon.³ A certain long-run tendency for capitalists to lose their money by unwise investments or to diminish their capital by extravagance---'the rake's progress.' Grandfather gets rich, father just holds it where it is, and grandson goes to college and turns into a rake and a spendthrift."⁴

Dr. Boulding, the son of a Liverpool plumber and a devoted Quaker, studied at Oxford, Harvard, and the University of Chicago. He was nominated for the Nobel Prize in both economics and peace before his death in 1993. He advocated for a parallel relationship between economic development and social evolution and believed capital was nothing more than human and spiritual knowledge imposed on the material world.

Preface

It is a wise child that knows his own father.

---Homer⁵

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

---William Shakespeare⁶

Every son is born into his father's story and carries the precious cargo of the family genes and ancestral legacy. The values and behaviors of the father have a powerful influence on his children, even into the third and fourth generations.⁷

As a father-and-son team, we know the double-edged sword of promise and peril involved in combining blood and business, and mixing emotions and economics.⁸ We offer this guide for navigating the father-son relationship, especially the psychological issues that surface when fathers and sons work or manage wealth together. This unique dynamic requires extra skills for long-term sustainability of both the family and the business.⁹

Edgell first outlined his understanding of the father-son relationship in a paper presented at the Chief Executive University in Budapest and Vienna in 1995. His personal story reaches back to a family cattle business where Edgell worked with his father and grandfather. His father was born in a frontier fort, built in 1755, by the order of George Washington, on land that has been in his family for generations. The day he started first grade, Edgell was given his first job in the family business. He grew up in an environment where hard work defined a man's self-esteem. As an adult, he unraveled his enmeshment with the family land, his identification with his father, and the abuse from his grandfather by exploring the psychological issues in the father-son dyad and male archetypical journey.

In 2009, forty years from the day of his ordination, Edgell was elected Senior Chaplain Emeritus at Snowmass Chapel in Colorado. He then returned to his first career, psychology, and founded Aspen Consulting Team. He works with family business leaders concerning the psychological dynamics and strategies in family businesses, especially succession, and affluent families on the interplay between relationships and wealth. He is a Fellow at the American Association of Pastoral Counselors and Institute of Coaching Professional Association and a member of the Family Firm Institute, Inc.

Edgell won two world championships and several national and regional championships showing western performance horses. In 2010, he coauthored, with equestrian gold medalist Aaron Ralston, Ride Up: Live Your Adventure, a book on life skills focused around horsemanship. His wife, Marty Pickett, an attorney, is general counsel and managing director at Rocky Mountain Institute.

Tom, named after his great-grandfather, grandfather, and uncle grew up with the mixed blessings of being a double PK, a preacher's kid and a psychologist's kid. Most significantly, he was born intense. Every playground was a place of competition, and he transferred this into his work. After being a partner in a national restaurant business and being named Partner of the Year three times, Tom sold his shares in the company, started FLEX Training, LLC and cofounded Fit--Pit Power Food Group in Denver. He is also an associate with Aspen Consulting Team.

With an undergraduate degree in Business and a Master's in Psychology, Tom is an executive coach and CrossFit™ fitness trainer. He is a member of the Institute of Coaching Professional Association, International Society for Coaching Psychology, and Corporate Health and Wellness Association. Tom's specialty is working with executives, many of whom have strong and successful fathers. He also consults with restaurants, health facilities, sport organizations, and family businesses. He believes that the disciplines necessary for a healthy body are also the steps to a successful lifestyle.

Tom competed in five marathons at the age of forty-five and ran the 170-mile Outward Bound Relay Race over the Rocky Mountains four years in a row. He was twice ranked as the top Colorado amateur tennis player and was a member of the US Tennis Association District Championship team. The day he turned fifty, he ran fifty miles. Tom and his wife, Linda, an academic All-American, are the parents of three children.

A slogan, Eat the Crust First, has been part of our family story for at least seven generations. It is about doing the hard, at times unpleasant, work first. In the cattle business, every morning, seven days a week, someone had to look after the livestock. We believe handling difficult issues in a forthright manner is vital for success in a family business; there is no room for passivity or neglect. Fathers and sons must consistently address sensitive situations and implement crucial decisions, both financial and emotional, if the family business is to survive and grow. We wrote MAPS as a guide for this process.

It is important to make one clarification as we begin. We have deep appreciation for the heroine's journey, the role of the mother in the family and the leadership provided by women in the business world.¹⁰ Our concepts may parallel a woman's journey, but our work is directed toward helping men understand their relational and generational issues.¹¹ Our focus will be primarily on fathers and sons in a family business, but we believe our work can be transferred to other relationship.

Successes in the life of a father and son are not accidents or random occurrences, they arise out of a predictable and powerful set of circumstances, forces, and opportunities.¹² The research on the correlations of success in family business shows that a positive relationship between a father and son represents a strategic advantage.¹³ We interlace theology and psychology, with economic theory and practical skills, to leverage this dynamic for the benefit of the family and the business.

Our theories and tools for helping fathers and sons are gathered under the acronym MAPS, which stands for Men, Alignment, Principles, and Skills.

Our spiritual source is the Bible. The words of the Old and New Testaments help us to understand how we stand in identity and continuity with men of faith. From Moses to Paul, the Bible is a story of men encountering and challenging the predicaments and possibilities of life. When we reference verses from the Bible, we give the original languages, either Hebrew or Greek. This is to remind us that our English translations have a singular source.

The material in MAPS respectfully reflects the philosophical writings of William James, the psychoanalytical works of Carl Gustav (C. G.) Jung, the psychosocial theories of Erik H. Erikson, the mythological studies of Joseph Campbell, and the theological teachings of Reinhold Niebuhr.

The practical application is from our experience of working together and with other fathers and sons. We have been with fathers as they wept over their sons' graves, and we know adult sons who would spend a small fortune to have one more chance at a mature relationship with their dads. At times, it is about life and death.

Some of the territory traveled by fathers and sons will need no instruction, and some treacherous parts will require a guide. Whether it's a