Your Best Life Yet: A Journey of Purpose and Passion

Copyright © 2013 Marcia Ullett, MA, LMFT, CPC.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

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ISBN: 978-1-4525-7689-3 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-7688-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-7690-9 (hc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013911472

Balboa Press rev. date: 7/17/2013

Contents

Foreword By Allen Berger, Phd

Preface

Acknowledgments

Part I Setting The Stage For Success

Chapter 1 This Time Is For You

Chapter 2 Preparation

Chapter 3 Tools For Your Journey

Part II The Best-Life Process

Chapter 4 Step 1: Know Your Values

Chapter 5 Step 2: Discover Your Higher Purpose

Chapter 6 Step 3: Create Your Vision

Chapter 7 Step 4: Determine Your Goals

Chapter 8 Step 5: Leap Into Your Action Plan

Part III Putting It All Together

Chapter 9 Your Life In Balance

Chapter 10 Onward

Connect With Marcia Ullett

Bibliography

About The Author

To my dad, who has always been there for me and believed in me, no matter what.

To Luke, Andria, Grayson, Gavin, and Riley, who have my heart and are my inspiration and greatest teachers.

FOREWORD

Historically, psychology has been dominated by theories that focus on pathology, on what is wrong with us. The idea behind these various pathologically oriented approaches was that if we could identify what was wrong with a person we could correct his or her defect and resolve the problems. There is no question that these approaches have had their share of success. But they are inherently limited by their focus on problem resolution.

The so-called Third Wave in psychology surfaced in the 1950s and ushered in a new era called the human potential movement. This orientation was based on a very different focus. Instead of searching for what was wrong with us, these therapists helped us discover new possibilities within our psyche. They helped us achieve our human potential by creating experiences that increased personal awareness and expanded our consciousness. As our consciousness expanded and we became more response-able we began to realize our true potential. Our possible-self became our actual-self. We gave up being phonies and playing games. Authenticity, genuineness, and openness took center stage.

The human potential movement has significantly changed our culture. We are more open and authentic than at any other point in time in the history of civilization. We are owning and facing who we are and, more important, who we are not. This is the level of honesty that we need to achieve if we are going to reach our full potential.

Some of the best self-help books are based on an author’s discovery of a people-growing recipe that helped change his or her life. I’m reminded of the brilliant work of Eckhart Tolle or Tony Robbins when I think of this genre, and now I would include the work of Marcia Ullett.

What I like the most about this book is Marcia’s authenticity. She tells it like it was and like it is. This is a gutsy book that lets us peer deep into her soul and see the parts of her that were missing. But she doesn’t get lost in what was wrong with her. We get to see what happens when she discovers what was right about her that she ignored. We get to see her blossom into the incredible person she is today.

In her book Marcia suggests many tools that will facilitate soul-searching and true speaking. I’ve used many of them in my clinical practice and know they work. But this book is so much more than that.

During her personal journey, she eventually found the key to access those parts of herself that would miraculously breathe real life into her existence. She discovered how to unlock her potential by taking five steps—knowing her values, discovering her purpose, creating a vision, setting goals, and mobilizing right action. If you follow her recipe, I am quite confident that these steps will unlock your potential as well. They are tried and true principles that work if you work them.

ALLEN BERGER, PhD

Popular recovery author of 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery, 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone,

and 12 Hidden Rewards of Making Amends

PREFACE

There I was, on a Broadway stage. Naked with the rest of the cast of Oh! Calcutta! The drugs and alcohol must not have been working because I was literally crawling out of my skin. I can’t really tell you that I would have been more comfortable in some other costume because, until maybe fifteen years ago, I was uncomfortable just being me no matter where I was or what I was doing. I was even uncomfortable alone. However, I was more at ease on the stage than anywhere else because there I could be someone else. It was the perfect escape.

When I wasn’t onstage, my only coping skill was to drink or use drugs. The truth is that I was terrified of everything and everyone. I had no idea what was wrong, but I knew I was not okay—not even close.

My confusion started shortly after I graduated from college. The first thing I liked in high school was acting, so I decided to become an actor. I put little to no effort into making my dream a reality, but things just seemed to go my way. I was cast in all the plays in high school and then many in college. In college I even won acting awards.

I was a dreamer, and in my dreams it all went smoothly. In reality, it did for a while. I went from little theatre to indie films to New York on Broadway. My dream had come true. I had arrived. As I look back on it, acting was my first calling. It was easy for me because I loved it so much. But acting, like most professions, does not exist in a vacuum. There’s acting—the talent. There’s acting—the business. And then, of course, there’s the reality of the road. Imagine my disappointment when I realized that my acting career would not always just be a breeze.

With the proper coping skills and mind-set, some folks are able to handle the bumps in the road of their acting career. But I had never learned to have any sustainability. So when Oh! Calcutta! was over, I had a difficult time plunging myself into the business of getting acting jobs. It all seemed too much for me. I was devastated. Fear had reared its ugly head. My thoughts came to a grinding halt. I truly hadn’t a clue about what to do. I began to sink into a deep depression, so I turned to my old friends—alcohol and drugs.

One of the reasons I liked getting high was that it allowed me to forget my problems. The result was that I quit acting, absolutely and completely, and I did not look back. As I look at it now, I can remember how much I loved acting and how excited I became when I was about to start a new job or project. I can also remember the connection I felt to the other actors, the audience, and the crew. At the time, however, I could only react to the overwhelming fear I felt whenever I tried to think about what was next for me. I had no tools for dealing with those feelings, except to run.

And so I moved on. It seemed logical to me to go into TV production. Once again, I had energy. I had dreams. Very quickly I got hired and began my next career. But again I didn’t have a plan. I wasn’t thinking, I’ll become a producer, or I’ll learn to direct. There was always some kind of disconnect between me and any plan for the future. After a while, two things would happen: First, I would have to step out of my comfort zone and work harder, work smarter, and actually put some effort into moving forward. Second, thinking about it would make me restless and bored with the situation. Rather than considering my options, I would move on, looking for the next place to go. It didn’t cross my mind that I was acting out, not willing to take responsibility for my life. I had myself convinced that I was a restless gypsy, looking for the next challenge.

This kind of behavior wasn’t confined to work; it existed in my relationships as well. I was unwilling to stay the course with anyone and work through the bumps in the road. I would convince myself that the relationship was a mistake; that if I knew what was good for me, I would move on; that it would probably be best for everyone. But the truth was that I couldn’t bear any difficulties. So what did I do? I created more difficulties and drama so that we would both agree that we needed to be apart.

My living situation? Same scenario. Every two years I would become restless and irritable and find a reason to move on. I moved within a city, from city to city, from state to state, and from country to country. I made friends, and when I moved on I left them behind—not because I wanted to stop being friends but because I was being driven by enormous fear. If you keep moving, nothing sticks to you. I justified my behavior and convinced myself it was for the best. But while it was happening, I thought nothing of it. I even thought, Look how adventurous I am.

For years I had no idea that I was living by default. By not taking responsibility for my life and finding solutions to my problems, I was opting out of making the important choices that would lead to my success and happiness. I was also creating problems for those around me. I felt insecure and like a victim. It never sunk in that it was my job to run my life, to consider carefully each decision, to look at the big picture as well as all the smaller ones that make up a day, week, month, or year. I think one of the reasons I did so well in school was that I loved the structure. It was the only time I felt safe. Otherwise the world seemed far too big, and I felt far too small.

One day my mom suggested I go to graduate school to become a psychotherapist. The strangest thing happened—I listened to her. And for a while everything seemed to fall into place. After all, school was my safety net. When I was interning, the perfect storm occurred for me, and I got sober. The first element of the storm was a heavy, desperate feeling that left me almost immobile. I was living each day as two people—therapist intern by day, drug addict by night—an act that gnawed away at my core. I felt like a fraud because I was lying to everyone in my life. I felt more miserable than I had ever felt. I was actually having difficulty breathing, and I thought I might just drop dead at any moment. In fact, I hoped I would.

Enter element number two of the perfect storm: My first client in that internship was a recovering alcoholic who came to me for help with relationship issues. He was proud of his ten years of sobriety. He told me about his growth in that time. This man had a light in his eyes that was missing for me. I wanted that for myself! As I listened to him tell about his journey into sobriety, I was secretly embarrassed, wondering whether he knew about my dark little secret. There I was, the therapist, having my mind blown by my very first client. Clearly the universe had sent him to help save my life. I am forever grateful that he helped me open my eyes.

The final element of the storm was the intensity with which I wanted to sever my relationship with drugs and alcohol. I wanted to be in recovery more than I think I had ever wanted anything else. In early recovery, my changes were long and slow—overwhelmingly positive but still scary. I was beginning to learn about being responsible and accountable, but whenever I had to make important decisions about how to move forward in my life, I still got really anxious.

Life, however, is life. And becoming sober did not change that. After fifteen years