Laughter Totally is the Best Medicine

Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.

—RHEA BUTCHER

ALL IN THE FAMILY

It was a typical noisy dinner at my parents’ home, and Dad was having trouble following the conversations. He kept jumping in with off-topic comments and asking for things to be repeated. I finally told him he needed to get a hearing aid.

Looking at me as if I were crazy, he said, What would I do with a hand grenade?

—PAT TORNATORE

I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?

Yes, he said. Just not these four.

—SHEILA LEE

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.

—Comedian MARK CHALIFOUX

After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough. I think I’m going to sell them, I hissed to my sister.

You’re crazy, she said.

For thinking of selling them?

For thinking someone would buy them.

—SHERI MUELLER

"Pretty sure my main job as a father of daughters is to make sure none of them become contestants on The Bachelor."

—@ANDREWOSENGA

Although my daughter wasn’t much of a bowler, when her friend’s bowling team was down a player, my daughter agreed to fill in. So how’d you do? I asked a few days later.

She rattled off her scores: One sixty, one sixty-seven, and one fifty- five.

Wow! That’s great.

No! One game sixty, one sixty-seven, one fifty-five.

—RUTH SAARELA

I asked my friend about the pros and cons of using a Kindle as opposed to getting the Kindle app on another device.

Oh, Kindle is way better, she said.

Because it’s an actual book.

—JANET WOHLGEMUT

One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.

—@XNATATA (NATALIA SKRODZKI)

Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.

—@ASKDADBLOG (JOHN KINNEAR)

I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.

—BEVERLY MCLAUGHLIN

Sometimes the scariest thing you can hear from your toddler is the question Can I help?

—@DADINATING

Are you a parent? Then you’ll understand these tweets:

• My 14-year-old made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day. So I changed the Wi-Fi password.

• My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I woke them up at 2 a.m. to let them know my sock came off.

• Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

• Daughter: You’re invading my personal space.

• Mother: You came out of my personal space.

—boredpanda.com

My father and teenage son were driving along the hair-raising mountain roads of Montana. After a while, my son offered to take the wheel so my father could nap.

No, thanks, said Dad.

I’m more awake when you’re driving.

—EUNICE BARROW

I have mixed emotions when I receive my Father’s Day gifts. I’m glad my children remember me; I’m disappointed that they actually think I dress that way.

—Comedian MIKE DUGAN

It had better be twins!

Texts my father sent that could also be microfiction:

• No parking. Jump in. There’s cops.

• She followed my coffee-splatter trail.

• It’s clean. Don’t tell your mom.

• We’re fine. There’s ice cream here.

—MERYL CATES on mcsweeneys.net

Lately all my friends are worried that they’re turning into their fathers. I’m worried that I’m not.

—DAN ZEVIN, author

I was standing in a long lunch line with my husband when the guy in front of us looked down at my very pregnant belly, smiled, and asked, What are you having?

My impatient husband replied, A steak sandwich.

—KAYLEN WADE

Asked my husband to bring me a cookie. He brought me the whole box. We’re soul mates.

—@WINOSAURUSMOM

My mother and father were driving when she was pulled over by the police. Mom was in a hurry and told the officer so.

I understand, ma’am, he said. But I have to ticket anyone over 55.

Mom was beside herself. That’s discrimination! she shouted.

The officer calmly explained, I meant the speed limit.

—TAMARA ENCKE

We’re not sure how it happened, but my three-year-old nephew, James, got his tricycle stuck under another bicycle’s tire and gear mechanism. My four-year-old kid, Rowan, watched him patiently and painstakingly extricate the trike, then turned around to us and declared, Him’s a genius!

—A.O.

My daughter said something to me that I didn’t think was very polite. I told her she needed to say it again in a nicer way—so she repeated it with a British accent.

—lamebook.com

I walked into our family room just in time to see our kitten standing on a side table, sniffing my husband’s wineglass. Get down! I yelled.

As she jumped away, I turned to my husband and son: I’ve never seen her do that.

My son shrugged. "Really?

We watch her drink out of your glass all the time."

—REBECCA PERVERE

Our neighbor brought over a delicious homemade meal, eliciting this comment from my daughter: No offense, Mom, but Kristi’s dinner makes you look like a really bad mother.

My older daughter quickly jumped to my defense. Parker, that’s absolutely not true, she said. Kristi just makes Mom look like a really bad cook.

—MELISSA MAIORANO

Scene: Mom texting her daughter.

Mom: I think I keep getting messages or missed calls or something.

Me: From who?

Mom: Someone called Betty Low?

Me: Um, battery low?

Mom: That’s it!

—crazythingsparentstext.com

One morning, my wife asked our four-year-old son, Jud, what he wanted for breakfast.

Soup, he said.

Son, we don’t eat soup for breakfast. We eat soup for lunch. So what would you like for breakfast?

Lunch, he replied.

—JON GOAD

My husband and I were at our lawyer’s office to sign our wills. After we’d reviewed them, our lawyer leaned over his desk with pen in hand and asked, Now, who’s going to go first?

—LINDA HELM

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room.

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.

—MARIA MURILLO

FUNNY PEOPLE’S FAVORITE JOKES

A frugal widow goes to the newspaper to take out an obituary notice for her late husband. How much? she asks the fellow behind the counter.

One dollar per word, he says.

She says, Make it ‘MacGregor died.’

It’s a five-word minimum.

She nearly faints but collects herself.

Very well, make it ‘MacGregor died. Volvo for sale.’

—CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY

A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The little boy says, I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.

The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. She glares at the other little boy, and asks, What do you want for breakfast?!

The second boy says, Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!

—BILL ENGVALL

It’s shocking what they’re wearing at the beach these days!

My kids just introduced themselves as Let’s Go and We’re Late.

—@LURKATHOMEMOM

While texting with my brother about our family vacation plans, I expressed concern regarding my asthma and the fact that he lives at such a high elevation. But autocorrect sent this: We have talked about coming to visit you, but between my asthma and your attitude, I’m not sure if that will be possible.

—SUSAN FINNEGAN

My nine-year-old and I passed a store with a sign that read Watch Batteries Installed—$5.

He seemed confused:

Who would pay to watch batteries installed?

—DEB MORRIS

Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust:

• Golden Girls, Interrupted

• The Lavender Hair Mob

• Indicting Miss Daisy

• No Country for Old Women

• The Social Security Network

My son asked me what it’s like to be a dad, so I carelessly broke my phone screen and made him pay for a new one.

—@LACK

The man with six kids will always be happier than the man with six million dollars because the man with six million dollars always wants more.

—Attributed to WILLIAM FEATHER

I just got a fruit juicer because they say juicing adds years to your life. What they don’t tell you is the years you add juicing, you lose cleaning your juicer.

—Comedian KYLE DUNNIGAN in the New York Post

I went home to visit my mom the other day. She made my favorite meal, pancakes—all you can eat, ten dollars.

—Comedian CHUCK SKLAR

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is Good for you!

—@ELIZABAYNE

Once, when my mother asked me if she had any annoying habits, I observed that she typically follows up statements with a question asking for validation. She thought a moment and then admitted, I do do that. Don’t I?

—NATHAN DUNAWAY

QUOTABLE QUOTES

I DON’T WANT TO SAY WE EAT OUT A LOT, BUT I’VE NOTICED THAT LATELY WHEN I CALL MY KIDS FOR DINNER, THEY RUN TO THE CAR.

—JULIE KIDD

Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit.

—ELIZABETH GILBERT, author

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

—MARK TWAIN

If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.

—REESE WITHERSPOON

Where are all the Sour Patch parents?

—Comedian BO BURNHAM

My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.

—WENDY LIEBMAN

NEVER CHANGE DIAPERS IN MIDSTREAM.

—Humorist HARRY GILBERT

Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!

—CHARLIE BROWN

FATHERHOOD IS GREAT BECAUSE YOU CAN RUIN