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How to Find Partners on FetLife

How to Find Partners on FetLife

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How to Find Partners on FetLife

2/5 (1 evaluare)
72 pages
1 hour
Oct 11, 2018


FetLife is the world's most popular online social network for kinky people. Whatever your kink may be, there are other people there who share it. Connecting with those people can be hard, though. The site is overwhelming, predators and scammers abound, users are widely spread out across the globe. How do you find the people who are right for you, and how do you get their attention once you do?

This guide will walk you through a proven strategy for leveraging FetLife's strengths, dealing with its challenges, and creating an abundance of kink in your life.

Oct 11, 2018

Despre autor

Anton Fulmen is a kink and sexuality educator in the San Francisco Bay Area, leading workshops on power exchange and consent for the Society of Janus, the Citadel and other kink community groups around the Bay. As a member of the staff of San Francisco Sex Information's prestigious sex educator training, he helps therapists, school teachers and other educators learn how to better provide accurate and nonjudgmental sexuality education to their students and clients. As an officer with the Society of Janus he directs the mentoring program, connecting community newcomers with ethical and experienced guides to help them find their feet in the world of kink.Personally, Anton has had a lifelong fascination with intimate power, exploring it in a wide range of flavors and contexts from relationships ranging from one night to ten years, from casual to full-time, from silly to serious, and in styles from Daddy to Master to Owner to I-don't-know-what-this-is-but-it-sure-is-fun. He usually dominates, sometimes submits, and always learns; building a deep understanding of many forms of intimate leading and following.

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How to Find Partners on FetLife - Anton Fulmen

How to Find Partners on FetLife

By Anton Fulmen

Copyright 2018 Anton Fulmen

All Rights Reserved

rev 1.1


Table of Contents


Slow Down

Commodity vs. Community

Basic Manners

Finding Face-to-Face Community

Finding Community on Fetlife

Your Profile

Personal Ads

Sending Private Messages



So you’ve made yourself a profile on FetLife and you’re hoping to make some kind of connection with another person to do the kinky stuff you’ve always dreamed of doing. Maybe you’re looking for a one-time, anonymous hookup. Maybe you’re looking for a lifelong monogamous relationship. Maybe you’ve been trying to find a partner for a while already, and you’re feeling frustrated about how hard it seems to be.

If you go into one of FetLife’s groups and ask about finding partners on FetLife, someone is probably going to jump down your throat saying FetLife isn’t a dating site! But people date through FetLife all the time. People find hookups and new friends and life partners on FetLife every single day.

It’s more accurate to say that FetLife is not designed to be solely for dating, like OKCupid or ALT are. FetLife is designed to be a community. It has features for keeping in touch with friends, sharing stories and pictures, promoting get-togethers, and having conversations. It intentionally does not have some standard only-for-dating site features, like the ability to instantly retrieve a list of all women under the age of twenty-six in a hundred mile radius of your location. Lots of people using it aren’t interested in finding new partners at all, which is part of why they seem so grumpy about it: they’re tired of getting hit on by people who assume that everyone on FetLife is on the market.

On the other hand, one thing that people do in their communities is find other people to date, hook up with, or build families with. Community is actually really good for that. Community creates opportunities for getting acquainted, for low-pressure social interaction, for introducing friends and building a reputation. All of that can lead not just to one date, but to a life of kinky abundance. So FetLife can be a far more effective way to find partners than the only-for-dating sites—but only if you treat it as a community.

Your Author

Who am I to be giving this advice?

I’m a person who has achieved a life of kinky abundance. I’ve been able to make a lot of my fantasies come true, and to build the kinds of relationships that are fulfilling to me. I get to play in the ways I want to play, with people I enjoy, often enough that I feel fortunate. I have friends I can talk to about kink, who get me and support me.

Beyond that, I have a life where more kinky friends and partners are going to keep appearing. Searching for kink has ceased to be a daunting challenge and become natural and fun.

If you’re looking for more professional credentials, I’m also a longtime sex educator in the San Francisco Bay Area and author of the critically acclaimed power exchange guidebooks, The Heart of Dominance, and The Dominance Playbook.

It was a journey for me to get to this place—sometimes a lonely and frustrating one. My journey began well before FetLife existed, but FetLife has been a significant part of it for the last several years. When I look around the site now, I see so many people asking some variation of How do I find partners here?

This guide is an answer to that question—a roadmap to kinky abundance. It’ll show you the steps to go from posting lonely personal ads and not finding what you want, to being part of a community where kinky partners are all around you.

The path that’s worked for me doesn’t require being good looking or rich or famous or an expert with ropes or whips—though of course any of those things make it easier. It does help tremendously to live in a place with a lot of people, and where kinky people can be relatively out and open about what we do. I have the great advantage of living in a place that’s bursting at the seams with kinky social activity. I’ve successfully found friends and partners in less thrivingly kinky places also, though, and I’ll share strategies for finding connection where kinksters are thin on the ground.

Slow Down

The first thing to do, to get yourself on the path to kinky abundance, is to slow down. Slowing down is the single most valuable piece of advice I have to give about all kinds of sex, kink and relationships in general. It applies to everything from flirting to penile intercourse to creating D/s dynamics.

If you go straight to the personal ad forums and start posting for partners, then depending on who you are and what you’re seeking

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