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Sanctuary: The Preservation Issue
Sanctuary: The Preservation Issue
Sanctuary: The Preservation Issue
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Sanctuary: The Preservation Issue

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Exploring the myriad ways in which we go about preserving what might otherwise be forfeited.
 
Whether trained specialists or lay people who care about something, preservationists come from every stratum of life. The archivist, the linguist, the local town historian. The paleontologist, the heirloom seed-saver, the family photographer, the Monuments Men. Old two-by-two Noah and taxonomist Linnaeus. The suburban girl who collects enough yard sale books to build up a library and thereby safeguards that most fragile of things: knowledge. All can be preservationists.
 
This issue includes contributions from Diane Ackerman, Elizabeth Robinson, Peter Gizzi, Kyra Simone, Heather Altfeld, Richard Powers, Arthur Sze, Joanna Ruocco, Andrew Ervin, Julia Elliott, Jessica Reed, Peter Orner, Erin Singer, Daniel Torday, Toby Olson, Mary Jo Bang, Troy Jollimore, Maya Sonenberg, Rae Gouirand, Mauro Javier Cardenas, Nam Le, Maria Lioutaia, Bryon Landry, Rae Armantrout, Robin Hemley, Madeline Kearin, Donald Revell, S. P. Tenhoff, Debra Nystrom, Donna Stonecipher, Robert Karron, Andrew Mossin, J’Lyn Chapman, Frederic Tuten, and Marshall Klimasewiski.
LanguageEnglish
Release dateNov 27, 2018
ISBN9781504055529
Sanctuary: The Preservation Issue
Author

Peter Straub

Peter Straub (1943–2022) was the #1 New York Times bestselling author of more than a dozen novels, including A Dark Matter, The Talisman, and Black House, which he cowrote with Stephen King. He has won the Bram Stoker Award for his novels Lost Boy Lost Girl and In the Night Room, as well as for his collection 5 Stories. Straub was the editor of the two-volume Library of American anthology The American Fantastic Tale.

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    Sanctuary - Bradford Morrow

    EDITOR’S NOTE

    All things are inherently fragile, no matter how permanent and indestructible they may seem. Being mortal, we can only preserve our health, our very lives, for a circumscribed span of time. But what of our works—our languages, our communities, our arts and sciences, our institutions, our families? And what of our earth, its forests, rivers, mountains, skies, and oceans? How long can they, fragilities themselves if surely longer lived, be preserved?

    The writers in Sanctuary: The Preservation Issue come at these and similar questions from a host of perspectives. In one story, a methodical archaeologist and a scavenger of architectural remnants approach the preservation of abandoned asylums using very different methodologies. In another, a starving geobotanist rides out the Siege of Leningrad in the Plant Institute cellar, where 370,000 types of seeds from around the world are stored, refusing to eat any of the rare potato exemplars he himself collected. An essay laments the rapid extinction of dialects—we lose a dozen or two languages a year—as a means of spurring us to find ways to salvage them. A memoir recounts the efforts of a caseworker to help the homeless find sanctuary off the streets. A collage of mostly unpublished letters, diaries, scrapbooks, FBI files, and other documents preserved in the archives of William Gaddis brings the author of The Recognitions to life in a vivid, unique way. Here are meditations on the preservation of friendship and family, of memory and bodies, of literature kept alive through the gift of translation. And here is my interview with novelist Richard Powers, in which we talk about trees and their majestic, magical contribution to preserving life on earth—an essential role that humankind continues to ignore at its own peril.

    If the theme of preservation seemed significant last year when we began assembling this issue, it now seems of paramount importance—an imperative that must be embraced far beyond this specimen notebook you hold in your hands.

    —Bradford Morrow

    April 2018

    New York City

    What the River Saw

    Diane Ackerman

    They’re trouble, all of them. My babbling chestnut-green water rolling around this city carries their news and sailors, cheese and spices, peddlers and painters, refuse and toys, lost cockades, twisted virtue, and the lucky dead meeting their maker in a sky that I tie down to earth in my wrinkled mirrors. I carry the cock-a-hoop spirits of their carousers, boatswains, and braggarts, watch schoolboys practice contempt by placing thumb on the nose with fingers spread out, then consulting me to get their gesture right. Their sardine-narrow houses stand tall with long faces along my canals, where hordes of humans throng.

    I’ve seen them all over the centuries, those scurrying creatures, been privy to the full alphabet of human longing. Served as their privy. Everything they are comes to me in the end, all their auras and effusions, even the vapor from their lungs, on chilly mornings, and sometimes the lunging enamel of their teeth, sometimes the newly born. I’ve watched their wooing and villainy, the modus operandi of their moods, their spinning, panting, pawing, felt their multitudes ride heavy on my body. I’ve drooled over their shoes, swallowed some people whole. They damn me, have dammed me. But I always have the last chuckle against their boat slips, always the last, long cackle along their quays. This generation believes it’s the first and the finest—they all do!—but I’ve seen so many of them come and go. They like to stroll beside me to play out their dramas. They come to shed secrets, or spill blood, or glisten with love, or moan in ecstasy. Heard them weep with loss too, and mumble endless rounds of self-immolating prayers. They baptize their young in my waters—sometimes on purpose. They’ve always been immersed in my continuum, and I in theirs, it seems. And I can tell you their forebears came from tougher stock. I used to enjoy their gliding over my long white eyelids in the time they call the Little Ice Age, when my usually mellifluous water for once froze thick. Then I felt them shaving the ice as they maneuvered across me on blades. I liked that, it scratched an ancient, elemental itch.

    Wisps of past Amsterdammers drift along the canal walks too. The current locals mistake them for fog, as their predecessors did when they were alive. But I don’t fog like that. I doubt anyone else sees or hears them. In their missionary days full of high trade and visions, maybe then. Today I am the sole witness to their past.

    Not that it matters, but my name is Amstel, given me by ancient farmers, who hadn’t much imagination, so they just called me Aemestelle, which means water area. It was the best they could come up with, big brains and all. What reckless souls, farming too near my soft banks, digging peat right out from under my arms—I became a furious water wolf, surging across the lowlands, devouring villages and farms, flooding their sheaves, roots, berries, pigs, and cows. Then it occurred to them to mound up thick walls and hold back my gush. Not move their fields, mind you, but rein me in, choke my natural flow. Humans are like that. They’d rather eat sours than mud, but don’t mind a little peat in their whiskey and cook fires. Now and then they pump me dry, reroute me and my brothers, rumbling down through a wide moat they’ve dug around the city to block invaders. I don’t suffer much from that, but their peasants pay when, in the process, I wolf down their flimsy houses and gardens.

    Humans are such meddlers. They’re not happy unless they’re interfering with things. They just can’t leave anything alone. I use to be able to run out to the sea for a salt lick. But they’ve boarded me up, coaxed me into channels, curtailed my former freedom. I watch patiently, knowing I will outlive all their triumphs and follies. Now and then, I slide back and forth in time, remembering what I saw. But, mostly, I just watch. Some more than others. I remember when that painter—the one from Rijn who liked browns and blacks so much—painted my shores at nightfall in those sooty-toned scenes. Cleverly, I’ll give him that. This new lady who hunts bugs on my banks at odd hours, and lovingly paints my worst pests, I’ve seen her type lots of times. They usually end up dumping leftover pigments and oils into my depths, which I don’t really mind because the surface sheen that ensues is eye-bendingly beautiful. She’s just one more character on the human stage that surrounds me. I watch her as I do the other two-legged creatures. Truth to tell, she intrigues me. But, unlike her, I will endure.

    In the beginning all was water: the galloping waves of a North Sea so deadly blue cold few but herring and whales braved it. Then these restless bipeds came along and, with colossal labor, drained hundreds of thousands of acres. Chased the fishes out. Squeezed the land dry and rolled the seabed over like an old mattress. Like it was their job to flip the landscape, totally redesign it! Magician’s trick, that one. Hocus-pocus! Turn salty world fresh. Build a thousand pinwheels with big corkscrews inside. Pump the mire into sluices and jog it miles to the sea. Gouge a network of canals all over the place. Flank them all with raised trails and roads. Abracadabra! Build brand-new golden cities and farms on the plains. Took colossal effort, plus hardships, injuries, illnesses, deaths. Instead of moving to where there’s already dry land, and not battling the sea day after day. For pious people, they sure act a lot like gods, changing water into land and chaotic wilds into well-behaved gardens. Doesn’t matter it’s naturally barbarous and banshee filled. To them, nature’s imperfect, untidy, disobliging, needs to be arranged, embellished, put into working order, fine-tuned, made pleasurable by their oh-so-lofty art. I mean, really. And they’re still at it—draining thousands of acres, some boggy, some fenny, some acidic, some alkaline, all heavier than their innumerable sins. Despite having legs, they sometimes flow together like one fluid, full of dark energy. Other times, they toil alone, like bug-eyed optimists, until they stagger and collapse. So contrary, pigheaded. Honestly, they make me tired.

    Me, I’m lower key, only hum in the howl of the world, just stay my course, and try to remain unpredictable. Sure, from time to time I add to their troubles, and can’t help pouring a thick slurry of muddy goo over my banks. Often when the North Sea boils up a tempest and unleashes sheets of rain. Or sometimes just when these humans piss me off.

    Meanwhile, they pump and pump and the polders bleed for months into years, while a heavy layer of decaying vegetation that’s halfway to being coal but still soggy—this peat—grows denser, compacting, sagging, slumping the polders lower, down below sea level, making it way more dangerous if a dike breaks. But they figure it’s all worth it, since peat yields fuel and salt—two gold mines, if they scoop the peat safely, from barge or boat in shallow water, using long sticks with baskets on the ends. Men pile it all onto barges, and spread it out on the grassy dikes, and women and children stomp it down, and keep turning and turning it till it dries, then cut the peat into squares and stack it all up neat. I like watching that, the natives dancing on sod, their rhythmic whumping and their chatter, with fragrant mountains of peat scenting the dikes for miles when the wind blows.

    Tough work and dangerous on those bogs. And deadly to fall into, as people keep proving. Locals don’t find the old bodies much now, but will by and by, in a future age of steel diggers the size of dinosaurs driven by humans pounding with monsters’ jaws. It’s still freakish when a bog man is snared by accident, maybe thousands of years after his death, naturally mummified and perfectly preserved, with eyelashes, chin stubble, and wrinkles all visible; organs, nails, hair, even stomach contents exquisitely preserved; the bronzed hide of skin supple; all the calcium dissolved from the bones, leaving them rubbery and deflated. Bog people are ghoulish denizens of leather and mud, golems or she-devils, lying under a spongy carpet of moss with a few sad trees poking out. I’m surprised how many braved violent deaths, then were pickled in that realm not land or water, but a door to the sky world, so tribes swore, while all the rotting weeds produced tiny flickering lights people hailed as fairies and ghosts. Commoner and king, young and old, wayward wife and unlucky thief, deformed child and outcast, religious sacrifices—all murdered and tossed into deep sog. Some ill-fated fools today tumble in from boats or stumble off dikes after dark and find themselves quagmired. The harder they thrash, the quicker they sink down into loam darkness, where they’re cured of life. But by and large turf skippers are a careful lot, working together like a single organism, more like slime mold than bipeds, or whalers flensing blubber from leviathan flanks.

    No water, no peat. No rivers, no way to ship the peat fast and cheap to consumers, including the big turf users like brewers, salters, dyers, printers, bakers, distillers, smelters. I am their everything, everywhere, the caution and current of their lives. Thanks to their vast pantry of peat for fuel and inland rivers and waterways, with branching veins and arteries, the Dutch live like their country is twice its size, with everyone leading a double life, their own and the peat cycle’s culling and shipping.

    Meanwhile, I see them for what they are—sacs of chemicals and salt water on the move, who slosh imperceptibly with every step. Yes, also natural wonders. But exactly half of every man, woman, and child is plain water. Nothing fancy. So it’s no surprise they’re drawn to me. It’s a kind of osmosis, one they hear and find soothing: the lisping sound of water seeking water wherever water mutters, in surf, in gutters, in mills, in fountains, chanting low notes below stone bridges. As I am drawn to their convoluted inlets and outpourings.

    They are water vivified and unbound, languid walking lagoons, leaky estuaries, bogs on the move—all under their skin, driven by a nonstop windmill from birth to death. We are kin, so it’s no surprise they worship water, their true master and life giver. Makes sense: they’re waterworks working water to serve them, connect them all across a planet that’s mainly water anyway, not earth. They should have named it Ocean.

    Are you the river or the rock? I often hear one ask another, or advise: Calm down, take it easy, go with the flow.

    Clearly, they don’t know me very well. I’m moody. I can swell into rapid chaos, seem totally wild, even in stampede—when in truth I’m just rushing to get to safety. My brooks crawl through the countryside like babies. My humble white water crashes from side to side like lions in a cage. Currents corkscrew just below my surface. During storms, my frothing waves run like whippets. I am poetic as water syncopating over pebbles. Shouting mad and charging after people like a bear. Or peaceful and placid, a silver band lying across the land. All of it, and more. That’s a lot for one human to grasp. But they needn’t understand the powerful beasts they ride.

    Oh the slip of their sleek wooden tubs, like open palms skimming across my limbs, it’s not something you forget, those lightning-edged flyboats plying Vs through you, opening up deep water routes to where you begin and end, then retracing their path, laden down with an Orient of riches. They’re forever racing others across the writhing serpent of the sea, the whole time chasing death, and many finding it, but not before their faces crease like leather left out too long in salt spray and sun, their animal hide showing at last. The sea’s too dark a screen for self-scrutiny. Back home, loafing beside me, they gaze into my sunlit mirrors and recoil from the clock-ticking truth when they see how they’ve begun to mummify. At sea, it happens faster, that’s all. That is, if they survive all the floating duels, Dutch versus British, cannons blazing as they charge up and down liquid hills, on battlefields the color of gems—lapis lazuli, malachite, aquamarine—surrounded by an endless ocean without shores, a deep baritone of howling blue. I watch sailors come and go each day, outbound braced with hope and lager, inbound bent low with full pockets and miseries.

    It’s not really a Golden Age, more an age of pitch and tar. A sailing age. A merchant age. A violent age. They’ve been warring for as long as I’ve known them, while they claim to love peace. I wonder. How swiftly they became a seagoing, sea-fighting empire, with boats safely sheltered in the giant protected harbor at my mouth, right on Amsterdam’s doorstep, then off-loading goods onto barges that ride me and my kin to markets throughout Europe. All the genius, conquests, and gold of the age, it’s only ever been about fuel and transportation in the end, and also transport, the rapture of a life that feels blood-tinglingly new. And water, whose favorable currents buoy up their currency. So, as I say, they’d be nowhere without me. But their floating worlds are dazzling nonetheless. The way they’ve learned to live and lived to learn, when they’re not much more than peat themselves, well, that’s a magic trick too, isn’t it?

    Exposure

    Elizabeth Robinson

    There’s a little clot of blood on the right side of my left thumb from an injury I didn’t even know I received. It travels north to the white of the thumbnail with glacial slowness. As it darkens and turns brown, I wait for the day I can reach in and scrape away this crust of blood.

    How long will it take? In the weeks it will take for this injury to move up and away from my body, will Robin die, or will I find a place for him to live? Will his disappeared housing case manager show up and actually look for an apartment for him? Will Pete stay sober enough to remain in the psychiatric respite facility, or will he get frustrated—I’m getting thrown under the bus again—and use his SSDI to buy some booze and some friends and get himself kicked out onto the street again? Everyone who knows him is urging him to stay calm, to keep his eyes on the prize, to make it to that hearing so he can try to get off the sex offender registry. Because a man whose only possessions are one leg, a sex offense, and a truckload of lesser felonies is impossible to house. Only person harder to house would be someone who’s been convicted of arson, convicted of manufacturing meth, or some combination thereof.

    When I get into work, Rick, the probation officer, says, Your phone started ringing about fifteen minutes ago.

    It’s Pete, I say, without consulting the phone.

    I figured.

    Pete calls me many, many times a day: Tell Maria (James, Craig, Tracy, etc.) to call me ASAP, OK?

    OK.

    He calls back less than a minute later. Did you tell Maria to call me ASAP?

    I haven’t had a chance to call her yet.

    OK, well, tell her, will ya? Tell her to call me right away.

    He usually ends his calls by saying, OK. I’ll talk at ya.

    I have no idea what he thinks this means.

    Pete likes to tell people that two Indians stabbed him, and that’s how he lost his leg. I know who they are, but I’m not a narc, so I won’t tell on them. Pete lost his leg when he got so drunk that he passed out on the sidewalk. He must have collapsed backward, his right leg straight, but his left leg bent double at the knee so that he was lying on his own leg. Two sorority girls found him, unconscious and crumpled in a position so awkward that they were sure no living human could sustain it. They thought he was dead and called the police.

    He lost his leg to a phenomenon called compartment syndrome, in which the blood flow is cut off and no fresh blood can get in or out to nourish tissue. He became his own tourniquet and though Pete didn’t die, his leg did. I found out the true story during the ten months that Pete lived in the drunk tank while he recuperated and we desperately sought a place that could and would house a sex offender. A colleague tipped me off that there was an assisted living facility in Greeley that would take anyone.

    The police officers I work with take Pete up for a visit, and come back saying that they suddenly know where several people from Boulder had disappeared to. We all thought that Peace Joe, for instance, had died. Tall and gaunt, Peace Joe only ever said, Peace, and I have stomach cancer. But Peace Joe is alive, if not well, in Greeley.

    When I tell the lady who runs the assisted living that Pete is a sex offender, I brace for her to say that she won’t accept him. She just asks matter-of-factly what his offense was. I tell her that it was an underage sex charge.

    Oh, she says, with evident relief. That’s fine. We don’t have any little girls here.

    I pause, then try to explain. He was thirty-nine and he had a girlfriend who was sixteen.

    No teenage girls here either.

    I suck on my thumb, try to draw the blood up and out, wonder how my nail can be thick enough to contain that blood but transparent enough for it to show through.

    Pete told me that he didn’t know that it was wrong to have a young girlfriend because, after all, she was living with him and his mother and, besides, she was pregnant at the time by a man much older than he was. I try not to comment. Pete’s problem is that his public defender for the case told Pete that he’d get him off with a misdemeanor. In Pete’s criminal calculus, a misdemeanor is always better than a felony. Unfortunately, some misdemeanor sex offenses come with mandatory sex offense registration, effectively dooming Pete’s chances for most employment and almost all housing.

    I’ve seen this situation many times with homeless men. Get drunk, go into the university library, watch some porn on a public computer (i.e., one with criminal monitoring), and your life is changed forever. Or get drunk, break into an apartment complex, and decide to go skinny-dipping in the pool, after which you towel off vigorously, and you’re slapped with a sex offense that locks you out of society.

    Do I excuse these men for exploitive, misogynistic behavior? I do not. No more than I excuse the many middle-class men who’ve done stupid, similar things but who had the financial resources and legal acumen to get off (pun intended).

    Punishment is a poor substitute for justice. When, after all, does punishment end? And what is punishment meant to do? The man who watched porn on the library computer had no prior sex offense, and in the ten ensuing years he’s been living on the street since his conviction, he’s had no additional sex offenses. But he’s got pages and pages of misdemeanors for public drunkenness, camping, open container.

    I was sexually assaulted twice, both times in highly public circumstances, and on neither occasion did it occur to me to report the assaults to the police. Literal crowds of people watched what happened, and no one stepped forward to intervene. So why should a man who had ill-advised sex with a consenting minor still have to live under the onus of that conviction a decade after he completed his two-year jail sentence?

    How is it possible that I feel sympathy for a person who has done what I might once have agreed was unforgivable? Why do I keep flashing back to the dilemma of another homeless man who was dying of liver cancer, but couldn’t get into a hospice because he had a sex offense?

    These days when I walk my dog at night, I think of what my mother would say if she knew—that she’d worry. It’s OK, Mom, I imagine saying cheerfully, I know all the sex offenders in Boulder County.

    I don’t mean that I’m not vulnerable. I’m as vulnerable as anyone. Which is to say that I’m no different from anyone. I too have made stupid mistakes. Punishment doesn’t rehabilitate, it just separates. So often, that kind of punitive judgment is a form of self-protection; it lets us deny what we know about ourselves and impute it to someone else. To the others.

    We get Pete admitted to the assisted living in Greeley. He is afraid to leave the drunk tank, and I keep saying, Hey, this isn’t a place to live permanently. Look at all the intoxicated people coming in here, vomiting, fighting, crying. But it’s the closest thing he’s had to a home in years.

    While he was at the detox center, Pete got approved for disability, and started buying T-shirts. We load his black trash bags of T-shirts into the police car and start driving north. We drop him off Thursday afternoon, and I talk to Pete on Friday morning.

    I can do this, he says. It’s not so bad. I had eggs for breakfast.

    On Monday morning, I come to work and find frantic voice messages from the facility administrator on my phone.

    He must leave, she says. We had to call the police twice. He held a knife up to his roommate’s throat, so we moved his roommate into a different room. Then he began buying liquor for all the residents.

    Later Pete tells me that in two days he spent $900 on booze. He is officially kicked out on Monday.

    From going out to look for people all the time, my hands become chapped and red. Hefting a bag of donated clothes into the trunk of my car, I break my fingernail. I look at the jagged edge. I think: at least the nail is shorter now, so this little blood spot can make its way out sooner.

    Meanwhile, our search for housing for Robin comes to nothing. Robin, who under the worst of circumstances, is courteous, who remembers the details of what I tell him about my own life, who is, in the end, truly my friend. I pull up a mental picture of Robin at People’s Clinic, stiff with the pain of his diabetic neuropathy, smelling of the street, while he gently converses with a toddler who is somehow attracted to him.

    The first several times I met Robin, he told me that he was ready to die, that he’d had a series of seizures from which he should not have recovered, and that each near-death experience brought him a sense of peace and resolution. He wears a ring that he found on the street: it says Faith.

    I’m having trouble writing about Robin because when I think about him, I feel the grief and rage that come of trying to help a kind and decent person get to safety when nothing in the world will cooperate. One day when he was constricted in pain and we couldn’t get anyone at the clinic to see him, I stood in the hallway between a nurse and the police officer with whom I work and started to cry.

    Sorry for losing my shit, I told the police officer later.

    She said, You are recognizing Robin’s essential goodness.

    It took me a few meetings to even persuade Robin to do the housing questionnaire because he’s never had an expectation that anything in his situation will change. His score for vulnerability was so high, though, that he was almost immediately tagged for permanent supportive housing. We scrambled, got his ID documents together with the help of his ex-wife and his mother, and he was assigned a voucher through the local mental-health facility.

    But how do you do a successful housing search for a profoundly alcoholic man with multiple medical issues and a vast record of misdemeanors?

    About six months into our housing search, Robin’s doctor asked him if he ever heard voices.

    Oh, yeah, he responded. I’ve got three: two guys and a girl named Misty. They’re my handlers. The doctor and I are stunned. Nothing about Robin seems psychotic. Once the cat’s out of the bag, though, he’s very comfortable elaborating: Every time I’m in the hospital (a frequent occurrence) they implant me with transponders. It’s the illuminati who are after me. If you look carefully, you can see a wire coming out of the roof of my mouth.

    He obligingly opens his mouth wide and I look carefully, but see nothing.

    Robin throws up steep barriers to success. He will only live in Boulder or up in the mountains in Nederland. Not Longmont. Not Denver. Not Louisville. It has to be Boulder, because he needs to be near his ex-wife, Shelly, who works at a King Soopers. She constantly texts back and forth with me, helping to arrange appointments even though her live-in boyfriend would be furious if he knew. Robin insists that she believes him about the transponders and everything else. One day I ask her and she becomes wary.

    Well, there was a period where he was predicting things that came true. Like that they would both become homeless.

    And they both did, though she found a job and got back on her feet. Robin didn’t.

    The most hopeful, almost wistful, that I’ve seen Robin is the day we drove him up to Nederland to look at a place there. It was a dump, just a kitchenette and a tiny room, but Robin immediately hobbled over to the gas range and looked on appreciatively. In his former life, he had loved to cook.

    The property manager hovered nervously. Later, we realized that maybe it is not such a good idea to bring a potential tenant to check out an apartment in a police car, accompanied by a uniformed officer. Also probably better if the applicant doesn’t reek of alcohol and can walk steadily. The property manager turned down Robin’s application, citing his extensive criminal record (trespassing tickets and open-container citations) and the alcoholic vapors wafting off him. The property manager also noted that he’d had thirty-six applications for the space. We’ve never made an apartment visit since.

    In the ensuing months, the intervals between hospitalizations are shrinking. Some days Robin’s face is swollen and his eyes are rheumy. Some days he can’t walk at all.

    His friend Thomas alternates between telling me that Robin needs my help more than he, Thomas, does and abandoning Robin altogether. Before Thomas lost his car on a drunk driving spree, he used to take Robin to a park that has public showers. Robin’s profuse drinking has destroyed his lower GI tract, and he is increasingly incontinent. Thomas sent Robin off to the shower while he sat in his car drinking.

    I realized, Elizabeth, that I’d fallen asleep and it had been a really long time, so I went into the bathroom and there was Robin passed out on the floor, naked, with the water running all steamy. Someone else came in, and I thought, ‘Oh, shit! I have a warrant out on me. I’ve got to get out of here.’

    Thomas noticed that Robin’s ass was pink from the heat of the shower, so he figured he was still alive and someone would call for an ambulance.

    A conversation weeks later:

    Elizabeth, the difference between Robin and, say, you and me is that when we shit our pants, we are able to clean ourselves up, and Robin isn’t.

    I think about all the weird things I’ve discussed in the last year and then proceed, Thomas, there’s a further distinction I’d like to make. Some of us never shit our pants. Thomas rolls his eyes and looks at me scornfully. "Oh, come on. We all do it."

    A few months after Pete is kicked out of the nursing home in Greeley, he’s moving between acute psychiatric care facilities and his brother’s house. He hates his brother so much that he sleeps in the garage, or just takes off altogether.

    He wants to go back to the detox center and offers to pay them rent. They say no. I’m getting the calls again, ten, sixteen times a day. I notice I flick my thumb anxiously against my forefinger while I’m talking to him, talking in my consciously calm and patient way.

    "Pete, what did you do while you were in Denver? You have a bunch of new citations, and pretty soon there’ll be some warrants out for you."

    I’m just getting thrown under the bus again, thrown under the bus. Just spent some time with this girl. She had a camper. I bought her a little booze.

    Please, please, just hang on. We really are trying to find a place for you. Getting tickets, getting kicked out of places, isn’t helping.

    I don’t know why I’m trying. I’m exhausted. I see no options for Pete.

    It is at this juncture that Pete begins using meth.

    Elizabeth, you’ve got to get the police officers to pick me up for my appointment at Mental Health. Tell them to call me ASAP.

    Pete, why did you leave the respite housing? If you had stayed there, you’d be right across the street from Mental Health.

    Well, some people—I can’t tell you who—offered to make me part of a threesome. And then I did meth with them.

    "Pete. Meth?"

    It was just a sex thing, Elizabeth. When you get that kind of offer, you have to go along with it.

    A few days later, we are driving Pete to Brighton for a court hearing, trying to get him off the sex offender registry. Before we picked him up, I told the police officer who is driving about Pete’s threesome.

    Who wants to have sex with a one-legged sex offender? she asks skeptically.

    As soon as he is clicked into his seat belt and we are on the road, Pete swears that he won’t do meth again. I see a window of opportunity.

    Pete, who did you have the threesome with?

    Officer Jensen glances sideways at me while she drives.

    "Oh, it was Caylie and John, but it wasn’t that much fun, because, you know, they live in that field near the railroad tracks, no place to lie down. And they are always fighting."

    He begins to elaborate, but I cut him off.

    Later I text Jensen: Now you know who has sex with a one-legged sex offender.

    She texts back: Ick.

    The hearing is inconclusive because Pete’s attorney doesn’t show up. A month later, we go back and try again. The hearing is inconclusive because the prosecutors first try to contact the victim to ask her for input (a legal requirement in such cases) while we are sitting in court, and they can’t reach her.

    I know where she is, Pete volunteers. She’s in jail.

    Shhh, says the public defender, we don’t need to help the prosecutor on this one.

    A month later, Pete goes back to court and tries a third time. The judge denies his request to get off the sex offender registry.

    I trim my fingernails down to the quick. Working with homeless people has made me aware of the almost medieval stain of grime on their hands. Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether blackness is frostbite or dirt.

    My hands look pink and middle class, except for the blot of desiccated blood slowly growing up my left thumbnail.

    Robin tells me, I start with people at one hundred percent.

    I don’t understand—What?

    I give them the benefit of the doubt and they start at one hundred percent. I only subtract my good regard on the basis of experience.

    This seems to be true. I can’t remember seeing Robin actively nasty. Homeless society is complex, with many strata and many interchanges. The drunks hang at Drunk Park, unless they are in front of the Best Buy. The meth addicts like the band shell or Scott Carpenter Park. Lately, the Meth Witch has been hanging with the drunks at the Best Buy. She’s the meanest person I’ve ever met, with her ice-blue eyes and armload of bangles. I’m sure she’s hanging with Robin and his crew because she’s safe there, because when she’s mean Robin will tell the other guys to leave her alone. But her presence is a disruption of the homeless social system as I know it, and I’m surprised to see her with the guys two days in a row.

    I stop by to see how things are going and to get some paperwork signed. Robin seems to be passed out on a bench, his head cricked at an improbable downward angle toward the sidewalk. Tico and Farmer John greet me, and we shoot the breeze. The Meth Witch gears up. First she complains that I have no right to be there. Then she says that I stole her husband. When she starts commenting on my fat ass, Robin’s head jerks up.

    "Hey." Silence.

    The Meth Witch makes a move to start up once more. Robin’s eyes are closed again, his head perilously close to the pavement.

    Fucking fat ass, she hisses.

    No. More. Of. That, Robin enunciates. She shifts on her own ass. Tico and Farmer John make clear that they are Robin’s deputies on this issue. The Meth Witch rises in contempt and anger and departs.

    One day Robin asks if I’ve ever actually met Shelly, his ex-wife. By now, I talk regularly not only to her but to Robin’s mother, who lives in the upper Midwest. No, I say, but we’ve talked on the phone.

    The last time Robin was in the hospital, the social worker told me she didn’t know why he was still alive. Robin can hardly walk because of neuropathy, vitamin deficiencies, advanced alcoholism. The social worker thinks it is time to call Robin’s mother to tell her that her son is dying.

    I call Shelly to get her opinion, but also to make sure that she knows how sick Robin is. We all know, really. I spend weekends determined not to worry about whether he has died. I know I’ll have

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