Over the Walls of Anger, Into Each Other's Arms: Managing Anger through the Lens of Attachment Theory

Endnotes

PREFACE

It’s a paradox: anger often veils the need and desire couples have for closeness. It creates distance. Each episode of uncontrolled or frequent anger builds a destructive wall between the couple, making it harder and harder to maintain the closeness that initially kept them together. The couple finds themselves caught in a downward spiral with a Here we go again feeling, not knowing how to pull themselves up and out of that pattern. Moments of peacefulness and intimacy are few and far between as anger episodes increase. Eventually, a vague sense of hopelessness sets in.

I’m here to tell you that hope is near.

When I first became a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist, I worked with anger management clients, helping them learn better coping strategies such as stress management, assertiveness techniques, and improved self-care. While these were good tools, they were often insufficient for clients who had been in conflict with their significant other. These clients often seemed to be caught in a destructive emotional pattern where anger was triggered by their need for one another. What was missing from the program was help in understanding their relational cycle.

As I explored the best ways to help couples in therapy, I found several methods to address different dynamics in relationships. My favorite has been Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) which was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. EFT is based on attachment theory which speaks into our primary human need to feel secure in relationship to another.

As I worked with couples, I also looked for a book or program that integrated practical skills and teaching about emotion regulation with a basis in attachment theory. I realized there was a need for practical tools—Over the Walls of Anger, Into Each Other’s Arms is the book my clients and I were looking for to fill that need.

Over the Walls of Anger, Into Each Other’s Arms may also, in some cases, be a stepping stone between domestic violence treatment and couple reconciliation. Once safety and trust are established, this book is a more-than-adequate tool for mastering relational skills and developing a healthier connection.

DISCLAIMER:

This book and program may be suitable where domestic violence has been mutual and relatively mild (such as pushing or slapping), where the violent partner/partners are able to take full responsibility for their actions, have completed individual counseling, and where couple therapy is being cautiously addressed.

If a person is charged with domestic assault, he or she is detained. Automatic incarceration usually results, at least for a few hours, followed by a mandatory restraining order. The next step is to complete a Partner Abuse Response Program (PAR). At some stage during or at the completion of the PAR Program, the restraining order is lifted and permission is granted to go back home. None of this addresses the couple and the attachment issues that involve both partners.

This is where attachment theory becomes a compelling focus and can be used as a stepping stone to restored relationship. You’ll learn through this book that in the core of a person’s being is a fear of losing the significant attachment they have with their life partner. This underlying fear causes a sense of panic when the attachment is threatened. Statistics show that a disproportionate percentage of people who are charged with domestic violence are found to have an anxious attachment style1 yet current domestic violence programs and anger management programs are not based on the findings of attachment theory.

Only qualified therapists and counselors who are experienced and trained in completing a thorough safety assessment should consider couples therapy/counseling when domestic violence has been an issue.

Ronald T. Potter-Efron, MSW, PhD, Director of the Anger Management and Domestic Violence Center at First Things First Counseling in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and author of over 15 anger management and related books sets out the following guidelines for couples counseling in the context of domestic violence in his Handbook of Anger Management and Domestic Violence Offender Treatment:2

Couples counseling must be accompanied by a strong commitment on the part of each partner to accept full responsibility for everything that individual says or does;

The therapist reserves the right to curtail couples counseling temporarily or permanently if it appears that such counseling is becoming too dangerous or is ineffective;

The first and most important goal is the creation of a place of mutual safety, a safe haven as free as possible from acts of physical and verbal aggression. This safe haven begins in the therapy session but must be extended to real life situations for it to be considered effective. The safe haven may develop gradually as the frequency, intensity, and level of injury of incidents decrease;

As this safe haven develops, the couple can better use their relationship as a secure base with which to establish mutual intimacy;

Specific attachment problems, such as the fear of abandonment of the preoccupied partner and the fear of intimacy of the dismissive person, should be addressed, challenged and amended within the framework of the couple’s unique relationship.

Couples therapy is not recommended where domestic violence is ongoing, or when safety is of even the slightest concern. The level of risk must only be determined by a licensed professional. This book is meant to provide guidelines for anger management for couples where safety and trust exist. The content of this book is insufficient for couples with a history of moderate or severe domestic violence.

The examples of couples within this book are completely fictional. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination and/or are a representation of a combination of typical types of situations only. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

What began as a small project expanding on my current resources has developed into a book, and program, that drew on the wisdom and experience of many. I am grateful for you all, and I hope I remember to mention each one of you.

First, I would like to thank my husband, Bob, and my friend, Annette Forkun, who both told me I should write a book years before I was willing. Annette, thank you for being a cheerleader in prayer and encouragement from the day you became my Alpha leader and dear friend. Bob, I couldn’t ask for a greater source of love and support on this planet; I cherish you. I could write a book on all the ways you exemplify how to make marriage beautiful…but I promise I won’t!

Noreen Wilson. Thank you for your hours of proofreading, your input, and your belief in my dream. What a gift you are!

Scott Stewart, PhD, from Christian Book Editor, thank you for editing the first manuscript. What a blessing for me that your pre-editor background was in counseling psychology, human development and family science. Your comments strengthened the book, and strengthened me.

Sylvia Rukkila, you took time out from your own writing and research on your book to help me edit this book. I very much appreciate your wisdom, help, support, and friendship.

Ron Couch, thank you for reading my manuscript. Your thoughts, feedback and further resources helped me see the book from a new perspective.

Jennifer and Tia at Word Alive Press, thank you for always listening, always being kind and quick to respond.

Susan Fish, your editing was very thorough, reassuring, and efficient. Your comments lifted me and kept me going.

Jan Dolby, you nailed it with the illustrations and always in a timely fashion. I’m grateful for you and your creativity.

Ronald Potter-Efron, you gave your time, shared your wisdom and challenged me to consider seeing anger as equally valid, not secondary, to less visible emotions; this is an alternate school of thought for which I am grateful. Your expertise in writing twenty books, most related to anger, will remain invaluable to me as I continue to help others. Thank you very much.

Paul Scuse, thank you so much for reading my manuscript. You were my prof, and having your feedback and suggestions was both helpful and meaningful.

Keith Daly, as you were reading the manuscript, your insights and comments were always thought-provoking. I value the times we’ve worked through real-life scenarios, followed by theological conversations. You truly are a great help and friend.

Dr. Cheryl Noble, you are much more than a supervisor. You have helped me tremendously with your stringent rein over the citations. I very much appreciate your help, your leadership, your warmth and your humor.

Cheryl Bristow, thank you for your creativity in editing the fictional sections. You were able to draw the reader into the characters. You inspired me to persevere and prayed me through some tiring and difficult times. A great big hug to you and blessings on your book, A Shield in the Shadows, and its sequel as you continue to write.

Genevieve Alao, you’re a life-saver. You turned the manuscript inside out and upside down, tightening it to make it a much more comfortable read. I am eternally grateful for you.

Cathy B., thank you for always being there for me making sure I have everything I need; and thank you Bev, who, when I took months away from the book, bravely and lovingly stepped in to help me care for my mom. I miss our walks and talks. Thank you, Colleen, for your help and ideas on the structure of the book, and Anita for reading and praying through the book and giving your feedback from a spiritual perspective. Kathy F., your feedback and encouragement are greatly appreciated. Karen, thank you for our lunches and reassurance that I was on the right path. You all are precious. I appreciate your prayers and help.

As well, Caroline, Cheryl, Judy, Mike, Pauline, Noreen, Tina, Lisa, Christine (in Malaysia), and Tammy: You all also have prayerfully supported me in those moments when I felt like I couldn’t keep going. I knew I was covered and could count on you when I sent you a message.

Thank you to all my clients. As you shared your hearts, I have continued to grow in understanding and compassion.

A great big thank you to my family for understanding while I worked on this book. Your lives reflect harmony and patience, and I love you all.

And to Him, who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ask or imagine…

Find free helpful tools at:

overthewallsofanger.com

INTRODUCTION

I can’t believe I reacted so angrily. I’m not really like that. Never before in my life have I had such trouble controlling my anger! I’m not like this at work, or with people in other parts of my life—only with my partner. I just don’t understand it!

These are not the words of only one client, mystified by their inability to control their emotions in their committed relationship. In fact, many people find themselves in such a quandary. Having little patience with their partner makes people ask what it is about their intimate relationship that brings out the worst in them, why it is that their life partner is the one person who triggers their anger.

What if I were to tell you that much of your anger happens because when you are hurt, you fear disconnection and therefore want to draw your partner closer for comfort? And that, in order to do so, ironically, you react by emotionally pushing your partner away with your anger? That’s what often happens, whether that anger is expressed outwardly through aggression or inwardly through silence.

Our deepest need as humans is for connection, to know that we are wanted and have significance to another person. Within that relationship, we need to know that our deepest emotional need will be met, that we can trust that person to be emotionally available, and that we will not be physically or emotionally abandoned. This need begins in infancy, is meant to be satisfied by our parents or caregivers, and later to be transferred to someone we fall in love with in adulthood.

When we feel like this connection is slipping away, it triggers panic, which in turn sets off anger. Common responses to anger—such as aggression or frozen silence—erect walls that drive couples apart. Over the Walls of Anger, Into Each Other’s Arms will help you navigate the emotions behind these walls, making a way for healthy connection.

Although an individual may seek help with controlling their anger, if that person is in a relationship, the issue is almost always best addressed in couples therapy. One partner may have more of a temper than the other, but more often than not the anger has to do with their family system and the couple’s cycle. Both partners need support, understanding of their own and each other’s pain and weaknesses, and an awareness of how they trigger one another. When both people learn how to recognize and accept their own and their partner’s emotions, they build emotional safety and intimacy, bringing down the walls that divide them.

This book is for couples who want to change and who are ready to work hard. This book is also for people in helping professions, such as therapists, counselors and clergy. It is a tool, not a replacement for therapy.

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Every couple has a cycle. It may be one where one partner becomes angry about whose turn it is to feed the dog. A short argument ensues, and the chores and childcare are brought into it. When the second partner notices their partner’s increased volume, they feel discomfort. They may push back for a while but soon begin to avoid the discussion and become quiet, usually trying to cope with their own anger. They may disengage by paying attention to their cell phone. The first partner then pushes to resolve what is still unsettled, but the more partner one pushes, the more partner two retreats, and therefore the more partner one pushes and therefore the more partner two backs off. At the core of the pushing and the withdrawing is the need to connect, the need for attachment.

A push/retreat or pursue/withdraw cycle is just one type of cycle. Some couples fall into a withdraw/withdraw cycle, where both keep their anger hidden.

No doubt you have heard that letting go of anger is as simple as counting to ten—but what matters is what you do while counting to ten. The first ten chapters of this book give you ten areas to think about while counting to ten. Each area conquers destructive, divisive walls of anger, and leads you into one another’s arms.

In this book, we will look at anger physically, psychologically, emotionally and socially. The final chapter offers a spiritual look at anger. Each chapter begins with a fictional example of a couple caught in an angry, distressing cycle. This is followed by ideas about the underlying factors in the conflict. Then a section follows with useful tools to help you become unstuck in that area. The final section of each chapter has a summary to help you connect with your partner, and includes questions for sharing.

Chapter 11 takes you deeper. As a therapist, I respect the fact that people have their own beliefs. I believe in a God who can exchange your pain for freedom. It is my experience that the most important place to take struggles and pain is into the arms of our loving Creator. I have included this chapter because I believe that this is a key to our challenges with anger in relationships.

How you read this book depends on you and your partner. You don’t need to read this book cover to cover—some subtopics will only be applicable to certain people. Spend your time on areas that are most relevant to your unique relationship.

How you proceed also depends on your sense of emotional safety. For couples who can open up to each other and listen respectfully to one another, I suggest you each read a chapter, reflect on it, discuss the content that feels applicable to you, and talk about each of your answers to the questions. Recognize your responsibility in the conflict and what you could have done differently.

For couples where one or both partners are not used to opening up, feel too uncomfortable or are concerned about feeling disrespected or not accepted for what they feel, opening up is a slower process that begins as they go through the book. Later, the book can be used as a reference tool, including the Success Log in Appendix A, which is a collection of the questions through the book.

For many couples, this book is a tool used in therapy with a professional, (i.e. a therapist, or member of the clergy). In these cases, I suggest a couple read one or two chapters before returning to the therapist to discuss the content, questions and concerns.

I want to acknowledge that you might have bought this book in hopes of helping your partner change. Your partner may not be as interested, ready or motivated yet. Perhaps they feel anxious or blamed: they might worry that opening up and exploring what is behind the walls of anger will make things worse. They may not trust that this book will help. Pushing your partner will not resolve challenges. Instead you will change when reading this book and taking many of the steps. You will learn how better to accept yourself and each other, as well as learn how to validate each other. A change in one partner creates change in the relationship.

CHAPTER 1

OVER THE WALLS OF SILENCE

A time comes when silence is betrayal.

- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.3

The invisible wall of silence Luke has built around himself is so real you can almost

seeit. The wall screams, This matter is closed! I have built a barricade, and you cannot come in.

Panic-stricken, Pamela has an overwhelming desire to pound on that wall or to force her way through it. She’s afraid if she cannot find some way to break down that wall, all will be lost.

Staring at Luke’s back, Pamela screams criticism and blame, even as she wonders, What am I doing? Her all-out verbal assault feels like she has unleashed a wild animal she’s unable to restrain.

As Luke’s wall grows thicker, Pamela screams louder. This is the only tool she has to break down the wall, yet this is the same old pattern they have fallen into before. Soon she feels tired and drained—it is all too much—and despair sets in. She feels alone and dejected. She has no idea when or if Luke’s wall will ever come down. It looks insurmountable.

Luke, too, is frustrated and angry, and he feels alone and unheard. He is afraid of what he might say or do if he let loose the way Pamela has. He doesn’t know what to do or say, fearing that whatever he does might take him past a point of no return, and so he stays still and quiet. But the more he tries to avoid the conflict, the louder Pamela becomes. He fights her loudness with silence, her accusations with retreat. The walls grow thicker and he spirals into helpless desperation, believing in his heart that any response will only make matters worse.

THE GREAT WALL OF SILENCE

Does this sound familiar to you? All couples have a relationship cycle or pattern, and chances are your cycle may look something like Luke and Pamela’s–-even though in your case, the husband might be the one yelling and pursuing while the wife is building the wall or retreating. Or your roles and relationship may look very different. A wall of silence is difficult to deal with no matter which side of the wall you are on. And, in fact, both of you play a role in building