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    The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition: Comebacks, Taunts, and Effronteries
    The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition: Comebacks, Taunts, and Effronteries
    The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition: Comebacks, Taunts, and Effronteries
    Ebook166 pages1 hour

    The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition: Comebacks, Taunts, and Effronteries

    By Lawrence Dorfman

    2/5

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    About this ebook

    The bestselling book on the art of the insult is back and it’s more blasphemous than ever. Author and snark connoisseur Lawrence Dorfman does his absolute worst, dishing out hundreds of clever insults for all situations and occasions. From careful instructions on how and when to throw a verbal punch to an expertly curated collection of the best insults in history, this uproarious little book has everything you need to become the ultimate slanderer. Every page is packed with delightfully mean one-liners for swiftly scorning your foes:

    You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.”
    You started at the bottom, and it’s been downhill ever since.”
    His men would follow him anywhere but it was only out of morbid curiosity.”
    Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.”
    You fill a much-needed gap.”

    Complete with charming black and white drawings that complement the book’s verbal spars, The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition proves that the pen truly is mightier than the sword, and will ensure you’re never again without the perfect quip or comeback.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSkyhorse
    Release dateOct 13, 2010
    ISBN9781628731866
    The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition: Comebacks, Taunts, and Effronteries
    Author

    Lawrence Dorfman

    Lawrence Dorfman has more than thirty years of experience in the bookselling world, including stints at Simon and Schuster, Penguin, and Harry N. Abrams. He is the author of the Snark Handbook series including The Snark Handbook: Politics and Government Edition, The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition; The Snark Handbook: Sex Edition, Snark! The Herald Angels Sing, and The Snark Handbook: Clichés Edition. He lives in Connecticut.

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    • 1/5
      Disappointing for me. I read many of the insults and snarks in other books and venues. I was looking for some new material. I should have skimmed the book better before I bought it.

    Book preview

    The Snark Handbook - Lawrence Dorfman

    Cover Page of Snark Handbook: Insult EditionTitle Page of Snark Handbook: Insult Edition

    Copyright © 2010 by Lawrence Dorfman

    New material © 2015 Lawrence Dorfman

    All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

    Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or info@skyhorsepublishing.com.

    Skyhorse® and Skyhorse Publishing® are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.®, a Delaware corporation.

    Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com.

    10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

    Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

    Cover design by Brian Peterson

    Print ISBN: 978-1-63450-380-8

    Ebook ISBN: 978-1-63450-386-0

    Printed in China

    This book is both good and original. But the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

    —SAMUEL JOHNSON

    When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

    —HUNTER S. THOMPSON

    CONTENTS

    INTRODUCTION

    LITERATURE

    SMARTS (OR LACK THEREOF)

    MUSIC, DRAMA, AND VISUAL ART

    MOVIES, TELEVISION, AND ACTORS

    BEAUTY (OR LACK THEREOF)

    POLITICS AND CURRENT EVENTS

    SPORTS

    CHARISMA (OR LACK THEREOF)

    WORK

    LOVE AND HATE

    BODY (OR LACK THEREOF)

    LIFE AND DEATH

    IN CONCLUSION

    Introduction

    WELL, HERE WE GO AGAIN … and just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water."

    That was how I started the second book in what would become a series (who knew?). There was the homage to Jaws (Snark/Shark). Just the right amount of ennui. Some foreboding of what was to come. A warning that these were dark and treacherous territories …

    Jeez, what pretentious foppery.

    After the first book on verbal sparring actually did okay, touching on the open nerve of the beginning of the snark movement … my fearless editor called again, looking for a follow-up. How about an insult edition? That might work, right?

    Hey, Lar, one might ask … weren’t there a lot of insults in the first book?¹

    And even though there was a veritable ton of snarky bon mots that could be wielded just as easily as insults in the first book, I still hadn’t run out. There were so much more.

    So off I went, down the yellow-brick road of exploitation. Great fun was promised. The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition was born.

    This book won’t make you a pundit or a gunslinger or get you booked on the talked shows, but you’ll chuckle and laugh and maybe even guffaw once or twice. So dive in. And above all else …

    Stay snarky.

    Whence It Came

    So, when did Man start insulting each other? Probably that day that Gork brought back a brontosaurus steak that was just a little too skimpy for the rest of the tribe’s taste … Hey, we gonna eat that or make it into a wallet? … then again, probably not.

    I think it was Freud who said, The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization … whatever.

    Going back many years, one can find the insult starting to find its niche as early as the mid-1500s, with words like ninny, dunderhead, simpleton, numbskull, nincompoop, and blockhead showing up in literature and in the records of daily use. Used liberally by Shakespeare on down, the insult was primarily a phrase used to speak to one’s lack of intellect or knowledge …

    Hey, who knew the Three Stooges were literary scholars?

    Over the years, the insult began to evolve. Used to great effect in vaudeville and in the first talkies, the insult started to take hold as a way of putting your enemies off their game and bringing the audience into the joke, usually against the hapless recipient of the stinging barb. Cream pies in the face, while certainly insulting, just weren’t enough. People wanted words. And words they got.

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and call Groucho Marx the first reigning king of the sarcastic insult. For those of you who are growing up on Jon Stewart, Groucho was Stewart times ten. He had a scathing wit, rapid-fire delivery, and a liberal way with innuendo.

    Bringing It Home

    We start young: hanging out and constantly making fun of our friends—their clothes, looks, music, girlfriends, other friends. Call it dissing or playing the dozens. Whatever you call it, it doesn’t make it any less nasty. You’re out to draw blood, symbolically, to prove your superiority. What makes it snarky is that element of the in-joke. If your friends didn’t get it—like the people who aren’t your friends who might well be listening—it wouldn’t be quite so fun.

    As we got older and began to censor ourselves (or be censored by the surrounding conventions—work, home, school), we began to use sarcasm and innuendo… . always a treat but perhaps a bit more subtle than what you’re going to find here.²

    The snarky insult, however, lets you get it all off your chest. It gives you the upper hand … and lets you keep it. It keeps the wolf from the door. It avoids beating around the bush. It cuts to the chase.³ It says, You’re not getting away with that… or are you really going to do/say that? or don’t you realize what a schmuck you are?

    How to Do It

    So where do we start? Maybe with a few basic rules …

    1. Everything takes a backseat to wit and cleverness. You want to make people think … and then think twice.

    2. Start by listening. Pay close attention to people. Besides alerting you to when you’re being insulted, it’s also a good way to find the fodder for the barbs you want to throw back.

    3. Respond immediately. The moment comes and the moment passes. Jump in. In this book are tons of insults. Memorize as many as you can and use them to full effect.

    The Insult Hall of Shame

    As mentioned above, there were many players over the years but a select few achieved the kind of status that is only awarded to the most vitriolic of the bunch. In the late nineteenth century, with the advent of vaudeville, and years later, Vegas, the insult became a great source of comedy. The best and the brightest:⁴

    Oscar Wilde (1854–1900): A serpent-tongued Irish writer who eventually became heralded as one of the greatest playwrights the world has known. Ridiculed in his day, he died broke at age forty-six.

    _____

    Winston Churchill (1874–1965): The

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