The Intent to Listen: A Silent Revolution

Author

CHAPTER I

Challenges of Effective Listening

Listening is not given the attention that it deserves. Listening has always been a problem. We hear both—old and young—men, women, and children relating their negative experiences with listening. My boss doesn’t listen; my husband is critical of whatever I do. He doesn’t even know about the problems that I face almost on a daily basis with the children, the domestic help, and even with the neighbours. Understand me? How can he? He is not even in the mood to ever listen to what I have to say. The government, does it ever listen? Parties only listen partially during election campaigns, and when elected, their ministers just stop listening. Isn’t that the truth? We seem to have become used to this non-listening environment around ourselves.

How about listening to our own selves? We don’t really listen to ourselves either. All of us have an observer within us who is aware and, at times, acutely aware, of all that goes on inside our bodies, minds, and hearts. Most of the time, we ignore the messages sent by the observer to our mind, heart, and even our body. How can anyone else listen to us when we don’t listen to ourselves? There seems to be another strongly perceptible phenomenon. We listen to those messages, which we want to listen to or are expected to hear. We seldom listen to anything that makes us uncomfortable or anything that we feel should not come to us or are contrary to our expectations. In other words, we exercise our choice, either consciously or unconsciously, about which communication is worth listening to. We decide the worth of things that we listen to and, more often than not, we are defined by our preferences and even by our weak or strong biases.

People keep deleting a lot of information while listening to things. Deleting information per se is not bad at all. In fact, it is required for focussing attention and prioritising actions. It is harmful when relevant and useful information is deleted. When the information and data speak loudly about unpleasant things, it is quickly dropped because we find it uncomfortable. The tendency is to avoid listening to uncomfortable information, not to register or understand it and to delete or remove it, or even to quickly flip through it. So, the question we need to ask ourselves is whether it is wise to develop competencies to manage unpleasant information about ourselves, the situation, or our work? This will help us understand what is going wrong, for others as well as for ourselves; and once we listen to and understand the information, we would be able to discover and address problems and issues as well as the context and the situation in which we function and live. This does not happen automatically. It takes sensitivity, humility, openness to differences, and emotional strength. So for good and effective listening, we have to develop all this—but how can we do this and ensure that we never lose these qualities?

Speaking Less for Listening More

The first step in learning sensitivity is talking less and listening more. We must become quiet and calm. Some things can help us to talk less:

Can we say the same thing in fewer words?

Will body language and non-verbal cues communicate our feelings and thoughts equally well so that there would not be any need to speak?

We need to find the right time to communicate, when people receiving our communication would be in a better frame of mind to listen. There could be fewer disturbances and the need to repeat messages could also be minimised. Since people would be mentally ready to listen, short and focussed messages would convey more than less.

Is the person we are speaking with in a mood to listen to us?

Is this the right place to converse?

Does the person already know what we want to say? If so, it may not be necessary to speak and waste each other’s time.

Strengthening our quietness will give us more time to observe and listen. Further, the more we listen the more sensitive we become; and higher sensitivity makes our listening easier, deeper, quicker, and more holistic. So now we can appreciate how beautifully things are connected to each other.

Does quietness only come from not speaking? Sometimes we don’t say anything, but the chatter is incessant in our minds. So we have to decrease the volume of the talking mind. Is it about controlling and suppressing this mental chatter? No, the more we control it, the more the mind will chatter. Please remember that anything that is forcibly controlled has a tendency to rebel. A living being does not like anything forced upon it. It requires space and freedom to function well and healthily. Just as a plant will not grow well in a constricted space with fresh air and water alone, because it also requires the company of other plants to thrive. Have you ever given that a thought?

Mental chatter increases with anxiety, fear, and stress. The mind gets into an unending chain of thoughts and questions. For example, anxiety could be experienced in this spiralling form: ‘If the recession continues will my organisation be adversely affected? Will I lose my job? And if I do, will I be able to get another good job? Will the other job give me the same perks and facilities? If not, will I be able to send my son to the same expensive school? If not, what will happen to his high school grades? There are only five years to his twelfth-standard examinations. If he doesn’t do well, what about his desire to study International Relations from the Fletcher School, Boston? Will he blame me and say that I failed in my duties as a parent? What will my grandson think of me?’

On the other hand, consider this positive thought pattern: ‘The economic recession might not continue. My organisation might do better than it is doing now and if I keep working hard I might receive great appreciation from my employers and also get a promotion. In such a situation, I could have the resources to send my son for his higher studies in Boston and, later, he might become a famous professor and stay back in the USA, with a coveted job in that great institution. I might have a granddaughter instead of a grandson and I could receive a card from her saying that I am the greatest grandparent on this earth!’

You can see how anxiety and fear can transport the mind into a space of unnecessary questions. Fear makes us think of the worst and remote possibilities; and one negative thought leads to another. On the other hand, if we make a positive assumption, then our own thoughts and questions nullify the negative thoughts and questions. Therefore, if logic and reason permit, we should commence with a positive assumption rather than a negative one. Positive thinking and questioning would give positive answers and these would be less in volume too. Gradually, the number of questions would decrease and we would feel that instead of making assumptions about recession increasing or decreasing, it would be better to focus our energy on understanding future trends and explore facts and figures. When our anxiety and fear decrease, so would mental chatter.

The distance between mental chatter (mental disturbance, tension, stress, mental conflicts) is bridged by the attitude of humility. The humble mind is able to manage ego and rigidity. It is flexible and willing to look at the good in others, and at their strengths. Such a mind is prepared to continuously learn and be open to even personal criticism and feedback. The humble mind does not operate from an exaggerated stance of personal power and authority, and neither does it exhibit an abnormally strong and incongruous need to control and dominate. It is adjustable and adaptable. It has the strength to critically introspect and reflect on its own needs, habits, and prejudices, directing its will to re-examine its own assumptions and hasty judgements. This gives the person a sense of realism and the capacity to form good relationships, which are anchored in trust, respect, genuineness, and warmth.

The Shadows of The Past

Manoj Tripathi headed production in an FMCG company. He was known for his high task orientation and hardly failed to achieve the company’s production targets while maintaining high quality and process efficiency year after year. This year, however, he felt distraught and not too confident about the performance of his department. One of his production supervisors, Sarkar, was making mistakes almost on a daily basis.

Sarkar was showing a tendency to forget instructions, and Manoj was very worried about him. He would look extremely preoccupied in meetings and was never prepared with his facts and figures. This had been going on for almost three months when Tripathi decided to have a conversation with the HR Head, Praveen Sinha. Manoj requested Sinha to speak to Sarkar and find out what was going wrong.

Sinha met Sarkar in his office one day while taking a round of the plants. He asked him how he was faring and also fixed a meeting with him for the coming week.

Sinha and Sarkar met at a coffee shop outside the office. Sinha decided to be straightforward with Sarkar and not beat around the bush. Sinha told Sarkar that Tripathi was concerned about his performance, thought that he was not paying attention to instructions, and was committing the same mistakes over and over again. Sarkar admitted that of late he had become quite forgetful and Tripathi had been very patient with him.

Despite detailed explanations, he could not concentrate and only ended up remembering a few points of all the instructions which were given by the senior from time to time. He felt embarrassed and fearful of going back and asking Tripathi again. Sinha asked him why this could be happening and said that he genuinely wanted to help Sarkar solve the problem. Sinha and Sarkar had begun to feel comfortable with each other and shared details about their families and interests in life. Before leaving that evening, Sinha told Sarkar that he must trust him and that Sarkar’s personal information would not be shared with anyone else in the company.

On hearing this, Sarkar said that he finally felt he had found a friend in the company. He added that when the time was right he would let him know the problems he faced at home, especially with his mother and elder sister. Sinha noted the remark, and wishing him good luck, left for home.

A week later, Tripathi met Sinha and said that he found Sarkar a little better lately; he was happy that Sinha had met him. This reminded Sinha of Sarkar’s remark about his problems at home. He decided to call Sarkar and take him out for coffee that very day. Sinha spent almost four hours listening to Sarkar’s family problems. In the course of the discussion, Sinha found out that Sarkar’s childhood had been very traumatic. He was constantly beaten up by his mother who was an extremely aggressive and foul-tongued person. Even until now, he would have excruciating stomach pain when his mother would talk rudely with him. In his teens, he would shiver out of sheer anxiety whenever he was summoned by his mother. His elder sister behaved in the same way with him. This fear and anxiety became worse in his twenties. He still felt anxious whenever a senior person spoke to him in a loud voice or admonished him. He hadn’t known a single day since his childhood when he had slept soundly at night. His wife had taken him to a doctor, who had diagnosed insomnia.

Sinha told Sarkar that he was probably suffering from anxiety, insomnia, and stress, and advised him to seek psychiatric treatment to help him manage his problems successfully. Sinha conveyed his thoughts to Tripathi who understood the issue and completely empathised with Sarkar. Together, Sinha and Tripathi did whatever they could to help Sarkar manage his syndrome at work. With his doctor’s help, Sarkar was able to regain his confidence.

Last April, Sarkar won the best employee award in the production department.

The experiences of a number of people show that feelings of security, confidence, and happiness increase with trust, respect, genuineness, and warmth. These four elements are also important foundational pillars for human relationships, making them strong and long-lasting.

The security and support that good relationships provide at home, in social circles, and at the workplace lead to experiences of positivity and comfort. They enable motivation, joyfulness, and serenity. The settled feeling brought about by good relationships also creates a mental readiness to listen well, with active engagement and attention. We can appreciate how different behaviours are so integrally connected with each other. All constituents fall into a holistic system of interdependent behavioural elements and dimensions.

Decency goes a long way in establishing trust. However, decency needs the protection of wisdom to survive.

Good listening also depends on how open we are to listening to others, even perhaps to their radically different views and ideas. Why are some people more open to listening to others? Is this because they have a different attitude? Are they more patient and tolerant? Or are they fond of knowing and learning, or are they simply more easy-going and do not know too much themselves and, therefore, are inclined to know and learn.

There could be a complex set of factors related to having an open mind. However, the nature of an open mind encourages debate and discussion, understanding and tolerance of differences, creating opportunities for experimentation and innovation. It also creates an orientation to listen and understand better than a closed mind, which comes to hasty judgements and evaluation. A closed mind also gets easily threatened by different views, ideas, suggestions, and may reject them, not listen to them, or even make an effort to understand.

It will not be incorrect to say that an open mind may not carry too much baggage from the past. This baggage could be in the form of opinions, biases, stereotypes, and rigid beliefs as well as negative feelings. The openness of mind also indicates space and freedom—a seamless unbounded space for imagination, germination of novel and untested ideas, taking the risk to leap forward into the exploration of new patterns of thought and experiences. The open mind has the quality of being sensitive to one’s environment and more perceptive, sensitive, and aware of events outside oneself. It could also mean having the courage to boldly question the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that one has and, if necessary, be willing to change them. It could mean listening to, understanding, accepting feedback from others, and making the effort to change.

As we have seen, listening appears to be made up of a variety of behavioural processes and qualities. It is a combination of sensitive awareness and perception, the ability to focus attention on what is being said as well as the ability to grasp the unsaid and the unstated through non-verbal cues. It is the effort to understand and remember, and recall too. A good listener is able to understand at the apparent as well at the deeper level, the part and the whole, facts and figures, and the essence and the spirit behind what is said. The feeling and the emotion is also understood, as is the spirit of the communication, which can be described in words as well. So empathy, good cognition, keen perception, and language proficiency to put understanding into apt words is all a part of listening.

Trust is an invisible and an unbreakable connection providing immense strength to walk up the most difficult path.

Effective listening also requires emotional strength. Emotional strength is displayed in the courage to bounce back from disappointments and setbacks. People with higher emotional strength show adaptability and the quality to quickly and smoothly adapt to change, despite the initial resistance. Such people can also withstand negative criticism and demonstrate the ability to learn from their mistakes and failures. Emotionally strong people have the capacity to convert problems into opportunities and start over again. They show a strong will and can persist with their efforts till they reach their goal. They cope with fear, anxiety, conflicts, and stress far better than those who are emotionally weak. Hence, they attain mental calm and peace sooner than those who are emotionally weak. These traits help in good and active listening.

Anxiety and Listening

Sensitivity, humility, openness to feedback, and emotional strength play important roles in listening. All these qualities help lower anxiety levels. The basis of anxiety is a mental preoccupation with the future. There is an exaggerated fear of the unknown during episodes of anxiety. In such a condition, the mind is full of negative and fearful thoughts. It is a condition where the mind is not free and relaxed. It’s in a worked-up state, which is primarily filled with a sense of doom, and always expecting something unpleasant to happen. This becomes a block and a constraint for active and focussed listening. If we listen well, it leads to a fuller and deeper understanding of things, and this understanding makes our listening more active and engaged. Therefore, all elements and processes in listening connect to each other well.

In the final analysis, we only feel secure in love. Money, position, beauty, name, and fame are indirect ways of finding it.

Interest and Listening

We only listen well if we are interested in listening. Our interests are related to our needs and aspirations, and the larger meanings that we are seeking from work and life. Research has found that adults listen to inputs on understanding and solving problems that they face in their family and professional lives. They also find inputs on how to improve their performance at work, and how to discharge their domestic responsibilities interesting. We also curiously listen to anything that highlights interesting opportunities for work, creative engagement, and achievement. How to make easy money interests us and attracts listening.

Subliminal Listening

There is something called subliminal listening. The term ‘subliminal’ denotes all that lies below the