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    Surviving Groomzilla:: A Bride's Guide
    Surviving Groomzilla:: A Bride's Guide
    Surviving Groomzilla:: A Bride's Guide
    Ebook234 pages1 hour

    Surviving Groomzilla:: A Bride's Guide

    By Craig Bridger

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    About this ebook

    Groomzilla: noun.
    1) An ordinary man who, upon betrothal, transforms into a pastry tasting, "Save the Date" card-obsessed know-it-all.
    2) A bride's worst nightmare.

    Maybe you've never seen one yourself, but he's out there. Bridezilla's evil twin: Groomzilla. He's real, all right. He's armed with color swatches and his very own copy of Modern Bride--and he's here to plan your wedding. . .

    Once upon a time, wedding planning was the bride's project. But if you're recently engaged, then you just might have a Groomzilla on your hands.

    Craig Bridger was a Groomzilla, and lived to tell the tale. Inside, he'll help you tame your Groomzilla before all hell breaks loose. You'll get groom-tested advice, tactics, scientific* charts and a free set of steak knives*.

    It's your wedding. Groomzilla can't have it, but maybe he can borrow it* if he behaves.

    *Not true.
    *Also, technically, not true.
    *Don't let him borrow it.



    "Highly entertaining and bursting with information." --Jenny Lee, author of I Do. I Did. Now What?!

    "David Sedaris meets Emily Post in Surviving Groomzilla. . .Bridger's insights made me burst a corset." --Lucy Talbot, author of The Bridesmaid's Guerrilla Handbook
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherCitadel Press
    Release dateMar 1, 2012
    ISBN9780806535715
    Surviving Groomzilla:: A Bride's Guide

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      Book preview

      Surviving Groomzilla: - Craig Bridger

      Sorry.

      CHAPTER ONE

      Assessing Your Groomzilla

      Let’s start with the question. You know the one. The only question that is never asked, but popped. Maybe you’ve dreamed about the question since you were a girl, dreamed about who would pop it, and where you’d be when it was popped. Maybe you’ve imagined the moment so vividly you’ve even choreographed your response. Or maybe you had other priorities, like Dick Cheney during the Vietnam War. Regardless, when the question is popped, your life will teeter at the lip of a wedding rabbit hole. But we’re not worried about your answer, or the rabbit hole, yet. Let’s stay with the question. Why? Because it’s your first chance to assess the size of your Groomzilla problem, that’s why.

      And introducing ... The Groomzilla Files!

      True accounts of Groomzillas in action

      At brunch, the morning after his wedding,Tim S. (Salt Lake City, UT) convinced his best man to recite Spencer’s Epithalamion, a Renaissance poem. Tim remembered the poem from college. He forgot, however, that Epithalamion runs many, many stanzas—and that each stanza calls loudly on the god of marriage: Hymen.

      Lights, Camera, Proposal!

      Wedding proposals, like weddings themselves, have put on some weight. They’ve chunked out. For many men, the proposal is now a separate affair with a budget and, often, a staff. Yes, aspiring Groomzillas can hire companies to help them mastermind grandiose proposal events. There are destination proposals and movie reenactment proposals, all designed to show a girl that she’s the one. And to make sure no one ever has a better proposal story to tell at parties.

      If your own proposal takes on epic production values, I’m not suggesting he doesn’t mean it, or that it’s not fun to act out Sleepless in Seattle for a day. But an overly elaborate proposal may tell you something else, too: that your sweetie is a touch competitive about his romance, that he has an eye for extravagance, that he’s itching to plan something even bigger, involving vows and a tiered cake. Should you be worried? Hell, yes. Use this table to rate his Groomzilla risk factor:

      Down the Rabbit Hole

      Okay. You’ve said yes. You’ve got a ring. You’re learning to say fiancé instead of boyfriend. You’ve settled on a date. And you’ve been watching your man carefully. But so far, you’ve seen no signs of irrational behavior. Well, good! And bad. Very bad.

      Remember what I said in the introduction (If you didn’t read the introduction, don’t worry. People who read introductions are snotty know-it-alls). Every man is a potential Groomzilla.

      Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security because your guy watches football, built a deck with wood he chopped in the local protected forest, can belch the national anthem, or because he greets friends with a chest bump.

      Still don’t believe me? Here’s a simple test to prove that your fiancé is a dormant Groomzilla.

      Follow these steps:

      1. Find a hammer.

      2. Act normal.

      3. Wait until your fiancé sits down on the bed.

      4. Rap him once on the kneecap with the hammer.

      Did his leg kick out involuntarily? Well, there you go. There’s no arguing with medical science. No response? Hmm. Try again, but this time wang him upside the head with the hammer. If he still doesn’t respond, call 911. Your fiancé might be dead.

      Groomzilla-itis is like the flu. Or restless legs syndrome. It’s a sickness. It doesn’t discriminate. It can infect and transform any man, at any stage of wedding preparation.

      But, like any sickness, the severity of the infection can vary from case to case. How severe is your case? That’s what we need to find out. Grab a pencil. It’s quiz time.

      This is the official SAGAD (Surviving a Groomzilla Assessment Diagnostic) quiz. Four out of five dentists choose SAGAD over all other quizzes! Answer

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