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    Dirty Jokes Every Man Should Know
    Dirty Jokes Every Man Should Know
    Dirty Jokes Every Man Should Know
    Ebook113 pages55 minutes

    Dirty Jokes Every Man Should Know

    By Doogie Horner

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    About this ebook

    The ultimate collection of racy, ribald, and downright hilarious humor that makes a great gift!

    This pocket-sized compendium of the crude and coarse contains all the jokes a man needs to crack wise. From the suggestive to the salacious, this book compiles the greatest dirty jokes of all time, including:

    • The One about the Factory Worker Who Made Love with a Pickle Slicer
    • The One about the Flea, the Flight Attendant, and the Airplane Restroom
    • The One about Father O’Mally’s Sunday Night Bath
    • The One about the Cowboy and the Lesbian
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherQuirk Books
    Release dateJan 1, 2010
    ISBN9781594744686
    Dirty Jokes Every Man Should Know

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      Book preview

      Dirty Jokes Every Man Should Know - Doogie Horner

      ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

      Introduction

      Hello, dear reader, and welcome to Dirty Jokes Every Man Should Know. Not to suck your dick or anything, but I’d like to begin by complimenting you on your good taste and comedic sophistication. You’re very brave. A lot of people wouldn’t have had the guts to pick up this book. They’d be worried that someone might see them—a coworker, pastor, or old flame—and discover that they’re a pervert. But you’re not afraid to have everyone at the office know that you enjoy a good queef joke, and I admire you for that. Personally, I’m writing this book under a pseudonym.

      Let’s not ignore the proverbial elephant with the erect cock in the room—dirty jokes are the black sheep of the joke family. They’re the alcoholic, bachelor uncle who is never invited to the family reunion, never mentioned in the annual Christmas letter, and always sets off fireworks in the garage on Christmas morning. But just like our drunk uncle, we all have a secret sweet spot for the dirty joke. Remember that time he took us fishing with dynamite? And taught us how to shoot a gun? He reeked heavily of whiskey, and it was weird when he peed in the Coke bottle while we held the steering wheel, but it was still much more fun than sitting around with the rest of the family playing Scattergories.

      The spectrum of dirty jokes is wider than most people realize. If you think all dirty jokes are about fucking sheep, think again! Dirty jokes can be about any subject that’s generally considered taboo: sex, profanity, vice, bestiality, religion, bodily functions, substance abuse, nudity, violence, or mocking the elderly, sick, or handicapped. The best dirty jokes, of course, encompass all these subjects.

      Just as your besotted uncle still thinks it is 1968 and he’s in Cambodia, dirty jokes inhabit their own unique reality. The world of dirty jokes is a gritty jungle where shadows have teeth and anyone, at any moment, could be raped by an escaped gorilla. The malicious hand of fate strikes quickly in these jokes. One moment you’re walking down the street, looking in the window of an antique shop at a vase your wife might like, and the next moment a gorilla’s balls are deep in your rectum.

      Think I’m exaggerating? Here’s a typical day in the life of a dirty joke character:

      8:00 A.M.: Woke to find my penis had been replaced by an elephant’s trunk.

      8:01 A.M.: Screamed.

      9:00 A.M.: Went to doctor, who laughed and tossed me a bag a peanuts. Trunk promptly shoved peanuts up my ass.

      10:00 A.M.: Returned home to find wife fucking a Shetland pony.

      12 noon: Went to my pastor for spiritual guidance—discovered he’s balling my wife as well.

      1:00 P.M.: Shit peanut shells for four hours.

      5:00 P.M.: Went to bar. Sat between an alligator and a hamburger who wouldn’t shut up.

      7:00 P.M.: Found a magic lantern with genie inside.

      7:05 P.M.: Transported to deserted island with a Pole and an Italian.

      10:00 P.M.: Eaten by giant clam.

      There’s no safe place in these jokes. They’re Lovecraftian tales of horror crossed with postmodern, slice-of-life short stories: A man wakes up, goes to take a shower, and menstrual blood pours out of the faucet. End of story. Given the bizarre circumstances in these jokes, the punch line is almost incidental.

      This brings us to another crucial difference between dirty and clean jokes: most dirty jokes don’t end well. When a story begins, So this guy is blowing a duck . . . it’s hard to imagine a happy ending.*

      —————

      *Okay, I’ll try: Since the guy blowing the duck has a pure heart, the Red Witch’s curse is finally lifted, and the duck transforms back into a handsome prince. The two become best friends, return to the prince’s kingdom to reclaim his father’s throne from the Dark Lord Obelon and restore peace to his people. They also open a lucrative duck farm.

      This pinch of salt gives dirty jokes an extra kick because it throws the humor into sharper contrast. If you lick an ice cream cone, it will taste pretty good. But if you lick a piece of shit, and then lick the ice cream cone, the ice cream will taste fabulous, and you can easily win five bucks on the dare. The sweet-and-sour mixture of dirty jokes operates on this same principle, known in academic circles as the poopy, or shit-lick, principle.

      The extra helping of tragedy in dirty jokes also elevates them above their fundamental dirtiness by eliciting pathos. After we’re done laughing at the unfortunate woman with the voodoo dick stuck in her pussy (see page 50), we feel sympathy for her— and then we start laughing again and tell the joke to our cellmate.

      I have, by now,

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