No More Mr. Nice Guy: The Hero's Journey: A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming an Integrated Male

Mexico

Introduction

In the middle of the journey of my life,

I came to myself within a dark wood where

the straight way was lost.

Dante Alighieri

What is a hero if not for his journey?

J.H. Wyman

Confessions of a Nice Guy

Once upon a time, I was a Nice Guy…and man, was I miserable.

I couldn’t understand why life didn’t work for me the way it did for other guys. I was anxious, depressed, and angry at the world. Lovers, bosses, men, women, family, friends: no one could make me feel the way I wanted to feel. I hated them for it. And I hated myself.

At the same time, ironically, I tried to get everyone to like me. Maybe if they did, I thought, I would hate myself less. I might even be happy. Fat chance. I couldn’t please all the people in the world, of course, and those who claimed to like me, I didn’t trust. Worse yet, other people’s liking me never stopped me from disliking myself.

Professionally, I was getting nowhere. I imagined myself a great artist, a film director like Marty Scorcese. I only needed to generate a creative vision, I thought, and the world would beat a path to my proverbial doorstep. But I could never create that vision. Trained by a domineering mother to serve her emotional needs, I couldn’t access my own desires. So, rather than being creative, I supported the artistic creations of others. I knew I was capable of something more, but for the life of me, I just couldn’t figure out how to make that happen.

I was most desperate in the romantic arena. I worked my ass off to make women love me, but they never seemed to, at least not the ones I most desired. I was tortured by the nagging conviction that I had settled, not selected, and that there was a much better woman waiting out there for me, if only I could find her.

One day, in a fit of frustration over my latest run of depressing dates, I ordered a batch of pickup books off the internet, hoping to glean the secrets of the men who could get any woman they wanted. I expected that No More Mr. Nice Guy would be just one more how-to manual, something along the lines of: How to F*ck More Women by Being a Complete Asshole. Then I read it, and my life changed.

In Dr. Glover’s picture of Nice Guy Syndrome, I found a frighteningly accurate depiction of everything that was going wrong for me, almost as if he had been following me around, taking notes. Reading further, I discovered that almost all my issues were connected to one central theme: I believed that if I made other people happy, especially women, I would get the love I desperately wanted and live a problem-free existence. Right.

My discovery that day was painful. No, worse. Yes, I uncovered the big issue, but so what? What was I going to do about that? I didn’t have a clue. On a whim, I called Dr. Glover, and to my surprise, he invited me to take a workshop with him. That was how I found myself in an office in Seattle with six other guys. I listened carefully as Dr. Glover talked of his own struggle as an ineffective Nice Guy, along with his emotional journey to becoming an Integrated Male.  Right then and there, I decided that if he could do it, so could I.

Without pause, I threw myself fully into understanding what makes Nice Guys like me tick. I did therapy, focused on breaking free from the long-standing knots in which I was bound. Working as a psychologist, I treated Nice Guys, and I ran a monthly workshop focused on Nice Guy issues. All these things were painful and difficult, but they helped me gain a new perspective on the way Nice Guys see life…and why it doesn’t work. And as I learned, I applied my newly acquired knowledge to my own life, trying my best to shift the way I thought, acted, and related to the world around me.

Did it work? And was it worth it?  For me, the answer to both those questions was a resounding Hell yes. It took time and effort, but I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my life. Increasingly, I have stronger friendships, greater professional success, a warmer love, and hotter sex. I say what I want and go after it. I am better at setting boundaries and holding them; I can say yes and no because that’s what I mean and not because I think I have to. I experience myself more as a man among men and even as a leader. I’m less of a frightened Nice Guy seeking everyone else’s approval and more of a confident man, clearer in my decisions and intentions. Gradually, over time, I have become an Integrated Male.

What exactly is an Integrated Male? and how is he different from a Nice Guy? And what’s wrong with being a nice guy, anyway? Isn’t it better than being an insensitive asshole? These are questions I get all the time from patients, men in my workshops, and people in random conversations. You’ve probably asked some of them yourself.

Obviously, it’s not always bad to be nice. Congeniality is a wonderful attribute to have, especially when a man’s goodness is consciously chosen and freely given. Nice Guy Syndrome, however, is marked by inflexible commandments, compulsive behaviors, and hidden agendas. The Nice Guy has no choice but to be accommodating and pleasant in the face of potential rejection, and his apparent amiability masks a seething cauldron of hurt, fear, and resentment. So, although niceness may be wonderful, Nice Guy Syndrome isn’t.

To be more specific, the central problem with Nice Guy Syndrome is not the agreeableness, in and of itself. It’s the rigidity with which it is applied. There’s an old saying that if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Nice Guys are like that, banging away at everything with anti-creative, safety-first strategies. And you’ve doubtless observed that all that hammering hasn’t gotten you what you want in life. Let’s face it: if you want to deal effectively with life in all its unpredictable complexity, you’re going to need different tools, and better.

And here’s the big secret. You already own all the tools you need. You’re just not using them. Under the spell of childhood fears, you aren’t allowing yourself to realize all the many wonderful qualities you possess or to apply them effectively. An Integrated Male has.

But he hasn’t simply replaced the hammer with a screwdriver or a wrench. Over time, he’s developed a full chest of tools and knows which ones to use in any given situation. Which is to say, an Integrated Male embraces all his qualities – good, bad, and otherwise – and uses them to engage effectively with the world. He can be selfless and selfish, orderly and messy, safe and risky, sexual and loving, strong and gentle, vibrant and calm, sensible and wild, active and passive, flexible and stable, emotional and rational, and all things in between.

And when you become an Integrated Male, you can relate to the world from a position of strength, kindness, wisdom, and effectiveness. Doing so will feel rewarding in and of itself, but there are even greater benefits to be gained. The more you relate from an open, integrated stance, the more you make these principles your own, the better you will be able to apply them wherever you decide to go and whatever you choose to do. Metaphorically speaking, you will enter Integration City, the place of solidity, serenity, and strength. And at long last, you will become an Integrated Male, the man you’ve always wanted to be.

I want to add a note here about the fact that this book is emerging in a unique point in cultural space and time. For thousands of years, men have dominated and oppressed women, and women accepted that harsh treatment as normal. Now, however, women are working hard to redefine their feminine values, free of traditional male dominance.

In the face of this quantum shift in cultural values, many men are confused about their masculinity. Aren’t we the stronger ones, the hunters, the fighters, the protectors? So, shouldn’t we lead? And if not, then what is our proper place? Is the new role to kowtow to every woman so as not to be seen as a reactionary jerk? We’ve always been Nice Guys. Do we need to stay that way forever?

The answer is that an Integrated Male is neither a controlling asshole nor a subservient wimp. He is strong and assertive without sacrificing his strengths as a man. He embraces healthy, not toxic, masculinity. Doing so, he becomes capable of being a true partner to a strong woman. They can work together to create something better for both of them, and for the culture as a whole. In this guide, you will learn to be that kind of man. That’s what your journey is all about.

The Hero’s Journey

So, how can you become an Integrated Male? You will need to undergo the same quest that I took, and that other men before me have taken as well. You will need to look long and hard at your history, your ongoing issues, your dysfunctional coping strategies. You will have to give up your favorite roles: Nice Guy, Put-upon Victim, Selfless Martyr. You will have to step up and do things you’ve never done before: take the lead, follow your heart, share your feelings. You will have to embark on the greatest adventure of your life, your personal quest for authentic manhood. I call it the Nice Guy Hero’s Journey.

You may have heard of The Hero’s Journey. The concept was developed by Joseph Campbell to describe the mythic quest that takes its protagonist from one level to another, higher one. According to Campbell, this journey forms the central narrative of many, if not all, of the world’s great sagas, myths, and epics. It is based on the psychological growth of the human being as he moves from childhood to maturity.

The Hero’s Journey has a defined beginning and a hoped-for end but no clear path from one to the other. It begins with The Calling. The hero1 is awakened out of his childhood slumber to take up a goal, whether it be to find the Golden Fleece, kill the Minotaur, or destroy the Death Star, and he will not stop until his goal is accomplished.

The Calling can be refused, of course, and the journey never made. But the true heroes, real and fictional, who took up the challenge, survived their ordeals and triumphed. Their names live on. Jason and the Argonauts, Ulysses, Perseus (who slew Medusa,) and even Luke Skywalker.

That Calling is followed by The Initiation. The threshold is crossed, and there is now no turning back. A mentor is often found at this point to provide critical guidance. You may know this sage as John the Baptist, Gandalf the Grey, or my personal favorite (perhaps because I, too, am short, bald, and increasingly wrinkled,) Master Yoda.

Buoyed by guide and fresh passion, the hero sets off.  Along the way, he will encounter a series of increasingly difficult obstacles that will test his skills and ingenuity. They may be demons, Furies, sandstorms, and whirlpools, or the seductive lure of the Sirens or Pussy Galore. No matter the form, all these barriers must be overcome if the hero is to reach his eventual destination.

The Final Confrontation is the ultimate test of the hero’s skills. He must do the (nearly) impossible in battle with the darkest force in the universe. It is Argus, the Thousand-eyed who guards the Golden Fleece, Medusa with hair of snakes and paralyzing eyes, or Darth Vader and the immensity of the Death Star. And he must win.

Finally, prize in hand, the hero returns to his normal life a different man. From that point forward, he will use his newfound gifts to enhance his life and the lives of those around him. He will thrive in peace and generosity, making the world a better place for everyone to live.

And now it’s your turn. I know you’ve heard the Calling. Maybe it was when you read Dr. Glover’s book and found yourself depicted in painful detail. Maybe it was when your partner threatened to leave you if you didn’t change. Maybe it was after the tenth time you were passed over for promotion, the hundredth time a woman rejected you, or the thousandth time you beat yourself up for one of life’s failures. Or maybe, like me, you just got good and tired of trying everything you know and still living a life of deep and constant misery.

So, you know it’s time for a change: a new initiation. Time to stop envying other men for having what you always dreamed would be yours. Time to start having it for yourself: the professional promotions, the rewarding relationships, the brighter future, the deep and abiding sense of well-being. You can have them all. This is your hero’s journey, from Nice Guy to Integrated Male.

The ultimate reward is not going to be delivered to your door, however. You will need to make it happen. You’ll have to put down the bong or the beer or the video game controller, get off the couch, and get real. In the sage words of The Talking Heads, This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no party. This ain’t no fooling around. So, pack your sack, Jack, and get ready to get on the road.

And make sure to pack this guide. You’ll need it. A true Hero’s Journey is a daunting quest. The road is tricky and sometimes treacherous. There are plenty of wrong turns you can take. I know. I took them all. I wrote this guide to help you avoid some of the mistakes I made and instead to take the most effective route with the greatest possible outcome.

This guide will take you step by step through the process of masculine integration, the one I took, and the one I’ve helped many men take as well. Not that your path will be identical to mine, but, like the quests of the mythic heroes, there will be enough similarities to make my experiences useful to you in your own emotional odyssey. Consider it a GPS for your Nice Guy’s Hero’s Journey, your very own road map to Integration City. Use it well.

Planning the Journey and Using This Guide

I need to be blunt with you. The Hero’s Journey is not a stroll on a sunny day. It takes hard work and dedication, because there simply is no quick fix for Nice Guy Syndrome. You will need to make a concerted effort if you want to disentangle yourself from the spiderweb of issues that make your life a living Hell. But you can do it if you commit yourself and if you have a plan. Here are some things to think about as you set out.

To begin with, you don’t have to change everything all at once. You’re not perfectly bad, even if, like me, you sometimes see yourself that way. You’ve been functioning pretty well for a long time despite your Nice Guy habits. So, just go through the guide at your pace, working on the problems as best you can. Trust that, over time, your life will improve.

The rate of that improvement, by the way, will increase over time, because all your growing abilities will interact with each other. Enhancing one element can spur all the others into positive action. As you change your way of thinking and being, for example, you get a sense of progress, which makes you feel better about yourself and interact more effectively with others. As you do, people respond better, the quality of your life improves, and the specific changes you’ve already made get further reinforced. Change begets change, and the entire system shifts. Eventually you find yourself feeling like a different man altogether: The Integrated Male.

You may be very excited about your prospects for this Quest, and you’ll want to roar off at top speed. Don’t. If you try to do too much too fast, you can get overwhelmed and give up. Given the dimensions and complexity of the road ahead, it’s best to go slowly and steadily.

You might try, for instance, a one-year approach, which works out to a little more than a chapter a month. That will give you the logistical and emotional space to do the exercises thoroughly and thoughtfully, which is the only way they will make real, lasting change.

Another idea to consider is whether you want to do this alone or with others. On the one hand, it may feel less exposing to go it alone, and you can travel at your own pace. In addition, you simply may not know others who are travelling the same path as you.

On the other hand, there are benefits to taking this journey in the company of other men. They can give you feedback, challenge you to work harder, and share in the struggles of the road. You can support each other and hold each other accountable, providing greater likelihood that you will complete the exercises effectively. Here are three strategies for taking this journey with others.

If you know other men in your area (or online) with these issues, you can team up and work through the exercises together.

You can work with a therapist or coach. Choose one who can go deeply into your emotional issues. Have him read Dr. Glover’s book and this guide. Doing so can provide you with a professional perspective that you may find enriching. At the same time, it can give your therapist greater insight into the workings of your emotional processes, which will enhance your therapeutic work together. A double win.

Take an online class from Dr. Glover or me (and perhaps, by the time you’re reading this guide, there will be others teaching classes.) These classes will utilize exercises from both the book and guide and are specifically structured to help with Nice Guy issues.

An important issue arises if you currently have a romantic partner. Here I need to repeat a strongly worded warning from No More Mr. Nice Guy.

WARNING

If you are in a relationship, the program of recovery from Nice Guy Syndrome presented in this book will seriously affect you and your partner. One of two things will happen:

Is there a way to know which of the above outcomes is likelier for your relationship? Not with 100% certainty, but as a rule, if your partner is generally supportive, interested in your wellbeing, and not easily threatened by change, you stand a fighting chance of the former. She will embrace your changes, because she knows (or believes) that life will be better with an integrated man. She will be willing, not just to move to the passenger’s seat, but to help you stay put when you feel like squirming out from behind the wheel.

On the other hand, there are women who will, because they are more naturally dominant, emotionally reactive, or threatened by the change, fight the changes you’re trying to make. As you might imagine, it will be more difficult to generate traction in your evolution with this kind of partner.

However, if you think about Dr. Glover’s warning, it doesn’t matter which kind of partner you have, because ultimately, both outcomes are good. You get a better relationship with the partner you have or a ticket to ride and a world of new possibilities. So, hoping for the best, here are some actions you can take to get the support you’ll be needing from her during your work together.

You can give your partner Dr. Glover’s book and this guide to read. As she’s reading, try to answer any questions she might have honestly and openly. Ask her for feedback on behaviors of yours she’s found problematic in the past. What would she like to see changed? Explain the specific changes you plan to make and get her agreement in general for ongoing support.

As you go through your journey, ask your partner for feedback. It can be in response to specific exercises, some of which explicitly call for partner input, or it can be more general. In fact, your partner might be uniquely positioned to register and report overall progress over time.