The Reasons Why Im A Better Person Than You A highly factual autobiography from the year 2062 by Brandon

Weiss. 1. The Time I Annexed Gibraltar But I Didnt. 2. The Who Decided To Overthrow The Government Of Somalia Again Scandal of 2058. 3. My Reason For Science Was Because Its Friggin Awesome. 4. Explain That Tidal Wave To Us. 5. I Took The Science Lab and Turned It Into A Storage Facility.

Chapter 1: The Time I Annexed Gibraltar But I Didnt. This is chapter 1 of my autobiography. Now normally in most autobiographies, an introduction of some sort would go here. But I dont need to. You all know who I am. And if you dont, please turn in your license to life because YOU ARE NOT A REAL PERSON. Anyways, my political views are often very strong. So strong that Im not afraid to flex some muscles, take over some countries and slap a bitch or two if I have to. Yes, even if the presiding president/prime minister/dictator/witch doctor is a male. Because thats brutal honesty in politics. Thats how you get things done. Was it not Theodore Roosevelt (our nations most assertive president) who once said Is Teddy Roosevelt gonna have to smack a bitch to get some chocolate ice cream round here?! He may or may not have said that, but the point is that you wont get your chocolate ice cream unless you hurt people. Remember the movie Star Wars? And I dont mean the hologram re-release, I mean the original one all the way back in 1979. You know how Darth Vader got all his power? By being assertive! He force choked his own crew and dressed in all black and stood 6 feet just so you could tell he was the bad guy. So I would say my political views are mostly inspired by him. Darth Vader is such an inspiration to us all... Why do you think samurais wear helmets look like Darth Vaders helmet? Thats right, its the other way around. Darth Vader went back in time and some samurais saw his helmet. They were so awestruck that they copied his helmet with their humble iron making skills in tribute to him. Darth Vader, however, was not pleased. So he force choked all the samurais to death. And that's why you dont see samurais anymore.

So one day I was really bored. Like, even for boredom standards. I was off the boredom chart! In a vain effort to combating my boredom bug (his name is Lil Jimmy), I decided to spin around a globe several times until it fell off its hinges and see what country I would notice first. Of course I just so happened to notice the smallest country on the eastern hemisphere, Gibraltar. After having to google how to pronounce the stupid country, I found out that Gibraltar is a nice place. Theres a nice harbor, a nice city, a nice wildlife reserve, and a nice big rock all in this nice country the size of an average city. What striked me as unusual was the nice big rock. And like all nice big rocks Ive come across in life, I figured I had to destroy it. Whats a big ol rock going to do for you if you cant build a giant playboy mansion on top of it? And the country is the size of my pinky toenail, so all the more reason to give it more land! So I had my motives, and some packets of cheez-its to snack on as I flew to the country I just learned about not more than 10 minutes ago. But to my surprise, when I arrived in the 8 city blocks of a country, it sucked. The people there started calling me rude things when I made fun of their families, and for a country so close to Spain, there sure were a lot of people speaking Mexican. Tensions were quite high when I was first entered the country, but I figured by instating an authoritarian regime, the people would get used to my iron fist. Sorta like Stockholm Syndrome, only it would be renamed Gibraltar Syndrome. I know that doesnt sound that catchy, but just say it a dozen times over in your head and itll sound normal. So I walked straight up to receptionist for the security gate of the tour room of the governors office, and this is how I remember my conversation. Me - Hi, I wanna talk with the president or witch doctor or whatever you guys got. Im gonna annex Gibraltar now. Annoying Lady - For what country sir? Me - Uh... Mine! Annoying Lady - And which one is that sir? Me - ... M-Mine! So thanks to snarky ass receptionists, I never got to annex Gibraltar for my country. And what a shame, could you imagine the things we could have done to that rock? After flying home and being detained for several hours by international police, I vowed never to go to that little flea housing project ever again. But at least I got my chocolate ice cream. Chapter 2: The Who Decided To Overthrow The Government Of Somalia Again Scandal of 2058. In 2012, Somalia was less a country and more a plot of land nobody wanted. I figured that someday during my lifetime, a nice and peaceful nation would arise from that little slice of anarchy. Cut to today, and that still hasnt happened. But as you may remember (or may not, it wasnt on FOXCNN News), Somalia almost had a nice government put together. But after the Gibraltar annexation I self-declared as my own, it somehow became my mission to destroy all nice in the world. I dont know what was

coming over me in the 2050s. Post-traumatic stress disorder from the walrus I guess. You can read all about that walrus part in my next book I Rode Away On Horseback From More Explosions Than You And That Means Im Cooler. My prefered airline was having a sale after the CIA was finished with its investigation on me. A discount on flights to Somalia. Oh good! I was thinking, I would be able to destroy Somalia AND save 20 bucks on the 6980 dollar flight. That 20 bucks can lead to a future in destroying Mongolia next! But little did I know, the planned takeover of Mongolia was not going to happen. For my career of bossing around small countries to make myself feel better, was about to come to a close in Somalias capital Mogadishu (mog-ah-dee-shoe. There you go). So I stomped on in and was really tired from the jet lag. But a mission was a mission and I had to do the mission that I assigned myself to carry out the mission. So I nuked it. Not with myself. First I stole the president of Somalias plane. Then I found an atom bomb, loaded it onto the plane, nuked Moggy Tissue and flew away back to my home country, breaking fly-zone laws all the way back to New Jersey. To clear up the misconception with the title, I didnt really overthrow Somalia as much as destroyed Somalia. Before I flew over the Atlantic Ocean, I felt a sudden bit of remorse and decided to pay a visit to the UN and explain myself. Turns out that feeling was just a fart. And Switzerland was a long ways away. By the time I arrived in the Land of Switzer, news of the destruction of Somalia had already reached worldwide. Clearly it was the fastest reporting of a mass killing in Africa in history. Although I dont like the word kill. I prefer ending of existence. The UN was already holding an emergency meeting about what to do about the destruction of Somalia. If I was got to the meeting in time, I would have said let me have it. Eventually I did land in the airport (without permission of course, what use is that?) just as soon as all the world leaders were coming out of the meeting room. And somehow, seeing the dead president of Somalias plane being flown by some white guy raised some eyebrows. The court meeting began promptly. My defense was that Somalia was too nice of a country and I didnt like it and I wanted it really badly. I guess that doesnt offset the destruction of an entire country and its government. I then told the judge Well, YOU didnt steal a plane and nuke a country today, now DID you? Huh, dumb jacket?! I felt the need to insult the judges frilly jacket, especially when it was 80 degrees in the courtroom. In the end, they charged me with crimes against humanity. The only crime against humanity going on that day was how the judge thought it was okay to wear a green and purple jacket with brown pants. I couldnt take the judge seriously and the constant snickering must not have helped my case. (To be fair, it was Mardi Gras) So they sentenced me to live in a country of anarchy for the rest of my life. It was Somalia. Chapter 3: My Reason For Science Was Because It Friggin Awesome.

Going a little bit out of order for this one, but thats okay. It wouldnt be the first time I altered history. For example, George Washington was actually a pansy mamas boy who was too scared to fight in the war. Who was that other guy with the curly wig? Heh heh heh... You wish you knew, eh? It was the summer of 2048. After winning the Wheel of Fortune finals in Las Vegas, I had $4,678,001 dollars to go do whatever as long as it was in Nevada. Leaving the country of Nevada would have resulted in those silly income taxes in the United Countries of America. So I pondered in the Holiday Inn that night about what cool thing I was going to build/destroy. Then it hit me. Why the frack dont I have some Dr. Pepper right now?! I went to the lobby and bought a bottle, then I went back to my room. Then I knew what I was going to build. A highly modern science building! True I knew nothing about science, but I was like the producer of the movie. The director does all the work, but I get all the profits! One year later and my brand new, high tech, $4,678,001 dollar science facility was complete. I had invited the press to come take a look, but apparently Somewhere in the Desert was not a very detailed instruction. One reporter eventually did show up, he was from the website conspiracies.com. A strange looking fellow, he and his crew wore tin-foil hats to the desert base. They must have been good for keeping off the sun, being so reflective. I began my speech. My speech is as follows. I made this, this is mine and you cant have it because it is mine. Any questions? I was still tired after helping with the construction (one brick). The only reporter their his questions. Yes, what is behind your recent obsession with science? the guy asked. I knew the answer that question. Because its friggin awesome! What kind of science will you be doing? he asked. Its at this point I realized I hadnt exactly figured out what kind of science wed be doing. So I had to come up with something real quick. Erm... awesome science! They were writing faster now. Then their last question. Can we look inside? Its at this point I realized I hadnt put anything remotely science related inside the science building. Would have been embarrassing to show a science facility with nothing in it. So I answered with a firm No! Its off limits. They wrote even faster, sweating and smirking. The tin-foil hats must not have been working since they were getting so sweaty. As soon as they finished, they threw their stuff in their unmarked white van and drove off. A bit confused, I went inside and worked on fixing up the Wild Party Room as the first room in the science facility.

A few days later, just as I was about to open the Free Margaritas Room to increase guests, I saw a ridiculous story online that my facility was housing Reptilian Man birthing chambers. I had no idea how the story broke out, seeing how the only people who came looked quite sensible. It must not have helped that I named it The Science Facility Not Housing Reptilian Men. I mean, we werent housing any! So yeah, on one hand I wasted $4,678,001 dollars on a lame science building. But on the other hand, I spent $4,678,001 dollars on an awesome new house! I opened it on Halloween for the TFASFNHRMCP. The First Annual Science Facility Not Housing Reptilian Men Costume Party. Tensions were reasonably high as the number one costume that year was reptilian men. Chapter 4: Explain That Tidal Wave To Us. Oh, bugger off. It was an accident, okay?! Chapter 5: I Took The Science Lab and Turned It Into A Storage Facility So now I had a science facility with no science in it. Now what? The Swimming Pool room was still a work in progress when I realized I may never fill all the rooms. But I also needed money if I wanted to continue filling all the rooms. The Gold Encrusted Gold Throne Room really took a big chunk out of my budget that I found in-between chapters. So I had to follow the advice of my boardwalk genie machine and open up the place for rentals. The Science Facility Not Housing Reptilian Men Room Rental Service! Or TSFNHRMRRS for short. Buy a space and put whatever junk you want in it. Sorta like a storage facility, only with shiny walls and Id let people live in it. It was either that or renting out the Playboy Actresses Room, and I was not giving that away! Im not that desperate. Just desperate enough to make a Playboy Actresses Room. After lobbying Carson City to give me a real address, customers started to flow in. The reptilian man conspiracy had died down by then, and within the first week of advertising on craigslist, i got 5 serious responses and 64 spam emails about male enlargement, so to speak. They were going to arrive on the next day, so i quickly fashioned together a Finances Room out of the scraps of the canceled Bank Heist Simulation Room. I threw together everything nice and swave fancy in anticipation for the guests. On the next day, the 5 people from craigslist arrived. Unfortunately, they all had some serious issues. The first guy decided to wear his best homeless attire and brought nothing with him. The next guy was a fat, ginger kid I wanted to punch in the throat just from the look of his face. Ever hated someone at first glance? He brought with him a mid-sized honda filled with electronics and other random computer parts. The last three must have robbed a Guitar Center because they carried cases upon cases of keyboards and synthesizers. Either that, or they were collectors or band members. But my first theory sounds funnier. Now for introductions. Now to perfect my speech skills.

Welcome! Im Brandon Weiss, now go pick a room and ill tell you how much is. Well theres always next time. I opened the door for the 5 bozos with issues and let them explore the space. This is the point where I realized there may be some confusion involved in navigation. Especially when we lost the hobo guy. Everyone else picked out a room they liked, but the hobo was nowhere to be seen. Legends has it his ghost still roams the halls. Fast forward a few months. Once again, im jumping around, but do you think I care about continuity at this point? You can take it up with me personally if youd like. My address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. Be sure to bring lots and lots of guns and ammunition. A few months later, I realized this was a terrible idea. Every night was weirder than the last. More and more strange people came inside and set up home. Most of them illegally without payin me. I had this one door guarded, so how the constantly eluded my grasp was beyond me. After the murderers, neo-nazis, Manson family relatives and Jehovah's Witnesses started moving in, I realized things would only go downhill from here. My room was right next to one of the many doors, so on May 30th at 1 AM,I packed up my bags and left to find more public works projects and media art forms to destroy. I was in the suburbs of Chicago two days later. This is when I found out the compound had been aided by conspiricies.com forces, hell bent on finding reptiian men to film (or a least make something up). All the occupants refused to surrender and simultaneously drank cyanide laced Kool-Aid. Once the media found where the stupid place was located, they found out about the tragedy of the deaths of all the countries horrible people under one roof. They praised the constructor as a national hero and the search was on to congratulate the builder. Of course it may have been a trap. You never know what sort of tricks FOXCNN may pull off. But I didnt want any more publicity at this point. I was tired and wanted to settle down and record my lifes adventures. A liberal president was just elected so I moved to Canada where I wrote this epic novel you are reading right now. Please do not disclose any classified information in this publicly sold book so you dont spoil the ending. Thank you and Merry Christmas to all. And to all, go to hell. Love, Brandon Weiss XOXOX H.A.G.S.