Running head: PRACTICAL BOOK REVIEW: WHY DONT WE LISTEN BETTER?

Practical Book Review: Why Dont We Listen Better? LaKenya Browder Liberty University

PRACTICAL BOOK REVIEW: WHY DONT WE LISTEN BETTER? Practical Book Review: Why Dont We Listen Better? Summary

Why Dont We Listen Better? by James Petersen is about improving our communication. Communication derives from the root word to commune, sharing and connecting with others. Although communication skills can help improve relationships, skills are not the only solution. According to Petersen, there are two levels to communication: Level I, a disconnected style that involves the facts and discusses each others point of view; and Level II, a connected style, where trust and sharing develops. We must understand ourselves, how we think and feel, in order to fully engage in effective communication (Petersen, 2007). Petersen (2007) divided talk functions into three parts: stomach, heart and head. The stomach is the personal part of us, our emotions and feelings, which are not debatable. The heart is when we give and receive concerns, suggestions, and support; while at the same time staying open to consider other options. The head is the logical part of us, when we put our thoughts and perceptions into words, which is always debatable. Petersen (2007) describes the Flat-Brain Syndrome as a process that occurs when the stomach, heart and head functions short circuit: the stomach overloads, the head turns bricklike, the brain goes flat, the hearing is skewed, the seeing is distorted, and the mouth works overtime. When this happens we are unable to listen, think, act, or even relate to others effectively. In order to counter this process, Petersen (2007) suggests the emotional disturbance be reduced in the talker first, to induce clearer thinking and better decision making. Then one can build selfconfidence and friendship through effective listening. The Flat-Brain Tango is a vicious cycle that occurs when both persons continue to defend and attack each other, which render identical

PRACTICAL BOOK REVIEW: WHY DONT WE LISTEN BETTER? results. Since this is based on the need to win, letting go of this need is essential when trying to avoid this dance, which will require a significant amount of self-examination (Petersen, 2007).

Petersen (2007) developed the Talker-Listener Card (TLC) to remind each person to take turns talking and listening. This method can eliminate arguing by causing each person to focus on the others point of view, one at a time. The talker has the problem, and their goal is to share their feelings and thoughts without accusing, attacking, labeling or judging the listener. The listener is calm because they do not own the problem. Their goal is to provide safety, to understand, and to clarify without agreeing, disagreeing, advising or defending. Petersen (2007) listed some basic listening techniques that address communication traps, special circumstances and heavy listening situations. The TLC can add objectivity in group discussions, when moderating two-party conversations, and with couples (Petersen, 2007). The philosophy of the TLC goes far beyond mere technique, straight into the hearts of the persons involved. The personal qualities of each person in the communication process surpasses any methodology learned when it to comes to communication. Empathy, genuiness and warmth play a crucial role in effective communication, building stronger families, friends and communities (Petersen, 2007). Response I most identify with the "Thud" person. At one time I was able to stand my ground, but I now find myself defending, which has been defined as being the same as attacking. When I am attacked, I initially start out with a certain amount of grace. But as the attacker keeps going, I lash out with a heavy accusatory, criticizing defense, which in turn causes a counter-defense. Sometimes I find myself in so many tangoes within a day, I start to get dizzy.

PRACTICAL BOOK REVIEW: WHY DONT WE LISTEN BETTER? My husband and I were involved in a bad church experience, and as a result, we often find ourselves playing the blame game and criticizing each other harshly. He would often take what I said as an attack and would defend himself. Although I was not intentionally attacking

him, his defensive behavior made me feel attacked for no reason, triggering a defense in me- and thus, the dance begins. We often end up upset, confused and regretful, disappointed in ourselves. During the last argument I allowed myself to go deeper than I had ever gone before. Usually he lets loose and I hold back. This time, I was so angry because "I didnt' deserve this," so I let him have it. I could tell he was shocked at the things that were coming out of my mouth. Yet, the dance continued on. After reading this book I realized how lacking I am in communicating with my husband during these heated moments. I often block out my part in the dispute, focusing in on his shortcomings. He has a temper and has to work hard at controlling it, which leads me to believe I have more control over the outcome if I put the effort into it. Reflection My moment of revelation came when Petersen (2007) stated: "When we stop defending ourselves, our relationships have a chance to mend" (p. 108). Ive been trying to mend my relationship through protest, accusations, and demands- but to no avail. I have to learn to accept that listening, just like love, will be painful at times. If I dont accept this, I will never be an effective communicator, or any type of counselor for that matter. Honestly, what bothers me the most about this book is the level of responsibility it expects me to take. Letting go of my childish ways and become a spiritually mature Christian is not easy. Although I know its necessary, it annoys me that I cant hold the other person responsible for their behavior, but will have to focus on my own.

PRACTICAL BOOK REVIEW: WHY DONT WE LISTEN BETTER? Im a little reserved in believing that the TLC can be effective in every situation as the author makes it. My spouse can be relentless, and when he is in the moment- nothing stops him.

He is unwilling to try any technique that I suggest, so even if I listen to him, he will still interrupt me when its my turn. I believe this book gives great tools, but discernment through the Holy Spirit should be the foundation of every technique and methodology. Knowing when and if to use a technique goes a long way. I now realize I have power over these situations. If my spouse starts to "dance," I have the option to participate or not. I need to make sure I dont get caught up in the emotional storm that is about to occur. Defensive behavior is the fuel that keeps the fire burning. Ive been screaming "Fire! Fire!"- yet all the while adding more fuel. Action My goal is to be more conscious of my behavior, taking note of what triggers my emotions, as well as my defenses. I will train my mind to stay focused on the talker, engaging myself in what they are saying. I will train my emotions to be still until I have gathered all the information and am able to release them with clarity and intention. Most of all, I will listen with the heart of Christ, full of love and compassion, willing to be wounded by the reality that maintaining healthy relationships will hurt at times. I will definitely have to give up my defenses, especially "the subtle ones" Ive learned while studying psychology, accepting the fact that discomfort goes with the territory of being a listener" (Petersen, 2007, p 108). Due to the fact that my husband and I both feel misunderstood by each other, it would be important for me to use some of Petersen's basic listening techniques. One technique is acknowledging what the talker is telling me. I need to let my husband know that its alright for him to feel the way he does, instead of giving him a million reasons why he is wrong for feeling

PRACTICAL BOOK REVIEW: WHY DONT WE LISTEN BETTER?

that way. Para-feeling and Para-thinking techniques will also be useful. Here I will be able to put my husbands feelings and thoughts into words, not only for clarity, but also to let him know I understand how he is feeling and what he is saying. Using the hem and haw method may prevent me from defending myself, helping me to keep my mouth shut. When trying to help someone get unstuck, I would stick to the rules of the listener on the TLC. I would strive to create a safe environment so the person is able to fully open up, allowing them enough room to work out their problem (remembering its not mine). I would focus on understanding what they are feeling and thinking, making sure I have clarity as far as the message they are trying to relay. I would stay clear of giving advice, even when prompted to do so. I would try not to agree or disagree, staying out of my own thoughts and focusing in on theirs. In a counseling situation, I would continue to stay consistent with the TLC method for the listener. I would be sure to clarify what the counselee is saying, through the technique of repeating accurately. I would use the play detective method in order to gather information, guessing and decoding along the way for more clarity. Using hem and haw would keep me from giving advice or interrupting with my own thoughts, using generic responses like, I see and thats interesting. Basically, in every situation, I would act as a facilitator, assisting the talker in sorting out their feelings and thoughts, assessing whether they have a problem or predicament, and walking alongside them to search for meaning and options.

PRACTICAL BOOK REVIEW: WHY DONT WE LISTEN BETTER? References Petersen, J. C. (2007). Why don't we listen better. Tigard, OR: Petersen Publications.