What Its Like To Be Me then

From: Caroline DeRhodes [carolinederhodes@gmail.com] Sent: Tuesday, January 22, 2013 10:22 PM To: Cohen, Tamara Subject: Thank you! Thoughts?

Professor Cohen,

Thank you so much for giving me this article today! It is truly amazing what this young woman has accomplished. It takes extraordinary courage for us young people to realize our dreams, especially when they are so much bigger than ourselves. I admire her tenacity but also her resourcefulness. I can sense that you understand this more than most, which is why I'd like to ask your advice about the direction of my own future.

I've always wanted to do operational marketing and communications with an international philanthropic organization. Now that my dream is becoming more real, its rocking the boat with my prospective future in-laws. I spent the holidays with my boyfriend, Dallas, and his family. While we were out gift shopping for the family we looked at rings and discussed our future more seriously. I've gotten a lot of pressure from them to re-evaluate my post-grad plans. His parents told me to think long and hard before going that route. We are both graduating in May and I know Dallas wants nothing more than to move back to his hometown to be with his family in the rural mountains of Western NC. He's studying civil engineering and his dad is a custom homebuilder. He's made a lot of contacts through the years just being his father's son. Dallas won't have any trouble finding a job doing what he wants to do in the Asheville area after graduation but my options are extremely limited. I know that I want a family and a home like Dallas has in WNC but I want a career in philanthropy too. A career is so much more than a job. I want to love what I do and for what I do to matter more than

money. The argument is that any work can be meaningful. I'm struggling with this conflict and while my mind is divided I am almost incapable of taking steps forward in any direction. (Which is why I have yet to send you a cover letter and resume.) Swiftly approaching graduation is a terrible time for indecisiveness. Its thoughts like Meghann Gunderman verbalized in this article that resonate with me: "You see people with so little doing so much... When you see that it makes you reflect inward and think, 'Well if they're doing that with what they have, what am I capable of doing?'" I want to realize what I am capable of and once I graduate I'll finally be ready to prove myself. I was hoping you would have some insight or guidance for me. After all, it seems you have made a rich and diverse career in the global marketplace while maintaining relationships in the community and building a great family too. How can someone like me "have their cake and eat it too?"

Sorry for the book. I sincerely appreciate you consulting with me! I understand you are probably very busy this week so, please, take all the time you need to reply back. Whenever you get a chance is perfect for me too. It may seem small, but I still want to thank you again for the article that inspired me to finally address my dilemma.

Respectfully,

Caroline

p.s. Did your dad like the Chinese treats? I hope you had a lovely visit together!

LOVE WILL BE ENOUGH FOR US BY BRANDON HEATH We'll build a little cabin on a really tall hill Plant a little garden, pray for every meal And we'll grow and we'll grow Take a little nap on the butterfly grass Just you and I and the clouds that pass Hold me close, hold me close We'll be living out where the river bends Where the grass gets green and the highway ends Livin' easy where it's you and me baby and the daffodils Kids growing up in the rolling hills And love will be enough for us Rain's comin' down on the old tin roof It's a lullaby storm in the middle of june Fallin' slow Fallin' slow We'll be living out where the river bends Where the grass gets green and the highway ends Livin' easy where it's you and me baby and the daffodils Kids growing up in the rolling hills And love will be enough for us

Ooooh, love. Ooooh, love. Will be enough So what are we doin' on the 7th floor Of a high rise apartment prayin' for more We could be livin' out where the river bends Where the grass gets green and the highway ends Livin' easy, livin' easy Where it's you and me baby and the daffodils Kids growing up in the rolling hills And love will be enough for us Baby love, will be enough for us. We'll build a little cabin on a really tall hill.

Dear Heavenly Father, I am so lost. I have no idea what I should do with my life after I graduate. I dont have a job and Im so unsure of where to look for one. I feel like Im being pulled in so many different directions. I dont know who to trust. I dont even trust myself anymore. But even through this confusion I hear your voice through all the other voices calling out my name. I hear your still, small voice. (I am the way, the truth and the light. My love will never fail you.) In a letter to a professor who has been mentoring me, I told her, I've always wanted to do operational marketing and communications with an international philanthropic organization. What a lie. Who was I trying to impress with that one, because it wasnt you, God. (I am the mighty counselor. I am the only one who can judge you and discern what is best. I created all that is. I know the path you should choose. All you had to do was ask.) That was never my dream. Ive coveted the great works youve done through others and called it ambition.

I changed my major five times between four totally different departmentsart, biology, psychology, finance/accounting, then finally marketing. I have interests, but I have never known what I wanted to do with my life and still dont. All Ive known is that I wanted to graduate from college so I can get a decent job that pays the bills and I dont hate. Here lately, I have been so worried about what other people in my life are expecting of me that I have totally lost myself chasing goals I think will make me worthy of their praise. (Child, you are everything to me. You are your fathers daughter. I have declared you worthy of praise. I have freed you so you may know a love that is better than life.) Im ashamed. (I am proud.) Im a liar. (I am truth.) Im so insecure that I think I need to impress the world, the most impossible goal of all. (I am your comfort, your strength, and your refuge.) This year I made a lot of crazy changes like, oh, running a marathon, going vegan, obsessing over to-do lists, making plans to work abroad saving the world, and even eliminating any final traces of my southern accent and American style because I was made to think it is unprofessional. What was I thinking? I know. I thought I was doing these things for myself. I thought these changes would make me better, but in the end I was still unsatisfied. (I am all that satisfies. My love is unconditional.) Im not just unsatisfied; Im exhausted. Im exhausted and disappointed with my less than perfect attempts to be everything to everyone. Ive spent so much time and energy chasing perfection. I thought if I worked hard enough, I could have the perfect job, the perfect body, the perfect diet, the perfect relationship with the perfect guy, the perfect family, the perfect car, the most perfect pretty house, and perfect skin, hair, teeth, and nails just like the perfect girls with perfect profile pictures that pop up daily on my Facebook mini feed. Facebook depresses me sometimes. I thought I could have the coolest hobbies and be the most perfectly clean, polished, and interesting girl I possibly could be and everyone will love me. Then, only then, could I finally be happy. What a perfect disaster. After all that chasing perfect, I dont even know what perfect is. I dont know how to be happy. Im so blind that I cant discern my own heart. (The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9) I dont want to worry about my future

anymore. I dont want to be confused. Im making myself crazy and miserable. While my mind is so conflicted, it is always changing, going back and forth, back and forth, I cant make up my mind about anything. (The one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from me. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:6.) My fear is toxic and now I doubt every decision I make. Make me fearless, Lord. Blinded by the fear of disappointing the people in my life, I have made a mess of things. My good intentions have thrown me so far off course, away from reality, that I need you to help get me back on track. You are the only one who can help me, the only counselor I need to turn to, and the only one who can see the truth that is hidden from me now. Please, God, take me to the place where you speak. Speak to me. Speak through me. In Deuteronomy you told me that you didnt set your affections on me for my talents or because I have anything to offer you, but because you love me. I was chosen. I may not understand what you are doing in my life right now, but I know that you love me. Your love eclipses everything else. Thank you for that blessed reassurance. Your love and acceptance is my confidence no matter what anyone thinks of me. In Colossians you told me, because I have been raised with Christ, to set my heart on things above, not earthly things. For I have died, and my life is now hidden with your son in you. When Christ, who is my life, appears, then I also will appear with him in glory. Help me know my savior, your son, Jesus Christ, so that I can also know myself. Make my thoughts obedient to your will, Lord. Fill my heart and mind with heavenly things. In Isaiah you told that a deluded heart would mislead me; I wont even be able to save myself or look at something in my right hand and tell if it is a lie. You say this sort of person feeds on ashes. The world tells me to follow my heart, but if my heart is not positioned in the flow of your power, I cant even trust what Im feeling or what my heart is telling me. Take hold of my heart so I will recognize when Im being told a lie and not be misled by false truths. In Psalm 139 you told me you knew me before I knew me. I believe you know me more than anyone because you said you alone wove me

together in my mothers womb. You told me that all the days ordained for me were written before even one of them came to be. You told me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Im wonderful because you say I am, and thats all that matters in the world. In Jeremiah you said, for I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Only you know that plan and only you can reveal it to me. Lord, give me hope in the future you have planned for me. In Matthew you told me that with the faith of a mustard seed I could move a mountain. The smallest of faiths can make the impossible, possible. God, I have faith in the plan you have for my life. Move the mountains that are standing in the way of that plan. Open the doors you want me to walk through and close the ones that need closing. In Matthew you also told me not to worry about anything. What is my life? I am not promised tomorrow. You said you would provide all that I need. You will give whatever I ask at the perfect time as long as I have faith and remain hopeful. You care for me. My life is in your hands, God. What a comforting thought. Thank you. Please, Lord, give me patience and wisdom to present my worries and concerns to you with prayer and petition. I understand that worry is doubt and doubt is disobedient and unproductive. You give me faith that my prayers are heard and that you are working out solutions even before I give you a problem to solve. Please, give me holy perseverance so I am able to patiently wait until that perfect time for those solutions to be revealed to me. In Ecclesiastes you told me that there is nothing better than for a man to delight in his work all the days of his life. God wants us to live out our lives in Christs likeness every day, because only then will we know true happiness. That chasing the glory, fame, and riches of men is all like chasing after the wind. Meaningless. This is my purpose: to love God and love others how God loves us. I know what I need to do now. I need to work to Gods glory using the gifts God has given me to honor him in order to fully experience his blessings, wisdom, and beauty in this life. Lord, use my gifts according to your will so that I may be fulfilled. Bless me with a joyful spirit and a servants heart so I may glorify you in all the work that I do.

In Ephesians Paul prays that out of your glorious riches you will strengthen us with power through your Holy Spirit in our inner being, so that Christ may dwell in our hearts through faith. He prays that we, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that we may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. That is what I want, to be rooted and established in love so I may have power through your Holy Spirit to be filled with a joy and understanding that knows no bounds. Its a funny thing. To find my self in a book written before I was even born. I understand now more than ever what they say about your book. That your Word is living, that it gives life, thats why its called , the living word. Dear Heavenly Father, I need you. I only need you. Lord, free me from my fears. I want to see what my life would look like motivated by faith more than fear! I want a faith that can literally move mountains. I have faith now that you will never give me more than I can handle, and when I do endure hardships, you are always right there by my side. Reveal to me the plans you have for me. Tell me what you would have me do next. Have your Holy Spirit whisper your great wisdom into my ears every moment of the day so I am never failing to my own poor conscience. I am listening. Give me eyes to see your perfect truth so I may discern which is the way I should go. Give me peace when I make a decision that is in accordance with your will and convict my heart when I make one that isnt. Ive found that how a woman thinks is often how she lives. Make my thoughts obedient to your will. Give me a heart for you and hands that do your work. My soul aches to be filled, Lord. Ive been empty no matter how Ive tried to satisfy myself. God, you made my soul to long for you, because you love me, you want a relationship with me, and thats what I want too. Im not going to look for satisfaction elsewhere anymore. I know without your presence in my life I will starve no matter how many people adore me, how much money I make, or how many awards I win. All that matters now is you. You tell me who I am. Your love is better than life. I surrender. Im ready to do this your way. I wont compromise anymore.

Ill fix my eyes on the prize you have for me: true happiness. Your grace is sufficient for me. Teach me to follow and let you lead. Im letting go. In the sweetest name I know, the name of Jesus, amen.

What Its Like To Be Me now

Since I prayed that prayer, God has truly transformed my life. Everything is falling into place my financial concerns, self-image issues, and my general indecision about my future after graduation. All in about a month. Praise the Lord! Its a miracle. God has revealed many of the lies that have been infecting my life and helped me to root them out, hopefully, for good. I finally see that the so-called science behind veganism is nonsense. Animal protein is poisonous to humans? Again, what was I thinking? I now eat a well-balanced, mostly whole foods, diet and dont obsess over calories either. Ive lost three pants sizes. My skin has cleared up, my hair is healthier looking, and I dont bounce between feeling bloated or starved all the time. I stopped running a hundred miles a week and joined a Crossfit gym in Harrisburg. They even gave me my first month half price! Ive learned more about my body and seen more dramatic results working out an hour a day, four days a week, for one month at Crossfit than I did after nine months and countless hours of long-distance running. Ive been dying to get a bigger car for a long time now. I had an 09 Toyota Yaris two-door hatchback. Do you feel my pain? Well, I couldnt even trade it in for more than 3K and I didnt have the savings to front the rest I would need to buy a decent car in its place. Dallas came into some money unexpectedly and offered to lend me what I needed to buy a new car. Man, do I feel loved. I am now the proud owner of a totally awesome gold Honda CR-V. I am so blessed! I somehow found an ideal summer subleaser for my apartment so I wont be stuck paying rent two places for three months (my lease

doesnt end until July 31.) What a relief! I even found a good subleaser for one of my less than likable roommates. I dont know if I can take credit for that one though. God is a lot nicer than I am. My mom even offered to pay my first months rent on my new place to help me get on my feet. After graduation, Im moving to the beautiful mountains of Western Carolina. I am moving into an adorable little house just south of Asheville with two wonderful girls my age, Michelle and Cody, who both have very similar interests and personalities to mine. Im super excited to live with them! It is without a doubt a miracle that I found such an ideal living situation among practically zero other prospects. My new home just happens to be ten minutes away from Dallas family, seven minutes from the gym I go to when I visit, and fifteen minutes from my new church, Biltmore Baptist. Ive never felt more at home in a church than I do at Biltmore Baptist. There are a ton of great ways to get involved in the church community there, which God knows Ill need to lay a healthy foundation and flourish in my new home. Im still looking for a full-time job, but I know that will come too. I just have to be patient. Im looking forward to spending a summer doing all the things I like to do that I could never do in Charlotte with all my new friends. Im even more excited to be growing closer to my Heavenly Father each and every day taking one step closer to becoming the woman I was born to be. I am truly happy.