Appendix F

Colleen Holman and Lynda Cox HSP 303 Winter Quarter 2012 DYAD Interview

Lynda and I met with Bill and Lanita Nauman for our DYAD interview. Bill is a coworker of mine who I have known for nearly twenty years. In the workplace he is known to be grumpy and a complainer. I knew he was happily married and I was curious who could remain happily married to someone with such a sour disposition. I talked to Bill about our assignment and he agreed to have Lynda and me come out to his home to interview him and his wife. Within minutes of meeting the couple in their home we learned they had just celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary! We wanted to get a sense of the systems that had helped shape them into the people they were when they met. We asked about their family structures and church involvement growing up, since it is clear that their religious beliefs are the center of their lives. Bill and Lanita each told us they felt strongly influenced by family and religious systems throughout their lives (Bill and Lanita, personal communication, January 23, 2012). Both also had established careers and individual identities they were secure with when they met. Lanita works as a nurse and Bill is the dairy manager at a local grocery store. Within two years of their marriage they started a family. They have two daughters who grew up through a religious education and college. They each have found partners who also have strong ties to family and religious

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systems. The family as a whole is extremely close, meeting often for family gatherings.

Development of Partnership Bill and Lanita had developed careers for themselves and had a strong foundation before they got married. They were matched up by a friend at church and dated for a year. Before they went into the marriage, they both agreed that divorce would never be an option for them. They had each saved a substantial amount of money to bring into the marriage. Lanita had $10,000 and Bill had $7,000, which they put together to make a down payment on a house. They purchased their home in 1976 for $30,000 and continue to live in the same home (Bill and Lanita, personal communication, January 23, 2012). Communication Style When asked about their communication, Bill admitted that he does not like to talk about issues and that he would rather ignore them. Lanita internalizes and gives in a lot. The secret to their success with communication is having respect for one another (Bill and Lanita, personal communication, January 23, 2012). Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler (2002) state, Feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by

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looking for ways we are similar. Without excusing their behavior, we try to sympathize, even empathize, with them. (p.72) Respect comes easier to find when people recognize that everyone has weaknesses (Patterson et al.).

Conflict Resolution Style Bill and Lanita went through a difficult time in their marriage when they hit the five year mark. They struggled for a year to make things work. The religious system is what saved their marriage. They both went to their pastor and his wife to seek help. They also used the power of prayer to mend their relationship and get it back on track. Strengths/Limitations A definite strength is that they above all else are completely committed to each other. According to Stone, Patton, and Heen (1999), Both the challenge and the spice of relationships is in peoples differences (p. 215). This long-term partnership has survived because they compliment and balance each other out. They have a firm foundation due to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Gender/Cultural Issues This couple went into the marriage based on scriptural passages from the Bible that the man is the head of the household and to treat the wife as

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the church. As far as household chores they do share the deep cleaning while Lanita does all of the cooking and laundry. Bill and Lanita recognize that both the family and religious systems have been strong influences in their lives prior to marriage and as they continue in their married life. Over the years these influences have helped shape them and helped give them a strong foundation which strengthened their bond as best friends, parents, and life partners. As they continue to grow in their relationship, they are enjoying the blessings of grandchildren and extended family. Large groups of family members often travel together, but Bill and Lanita also find time to enjoy time as a couple. References Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. New York, NY: Mc Graw-Hill. Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (1999). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most. New York, NY: Penguin Group.