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It wasnt escaping death, the sound of AK-47s or a wartorn country that evoked a sense of deep purpose in her life, but the courage that was embedded in her soul to live passionately. VS Atbay was born at home in Kandahar in 1982 during the Soviet war in Afghanistan. Her mother with a background in the field of education and her father a respected member of the Afghan military had no choice but to resign from their careers in order to avoid persecution. At the age of two, Atbay and her family (originally from Kabul) escaped as refuges and journeyed for seven days through deadly mountainous terrains after being held hostage for two nights by a local rebel. With some luck, she and her family escaped to a safety camp near Peshawar in Pakistan. Atbay and her parents then travelled to Iran, lived in New Delhi in India and then immigrated to Toronto, Ontario, in 1987 at the age of five. At the young age of 13 she started to write poetry. Atbay graduated from the University of Toronto with a degree in English Literature and Political Science. She is currently a writer and the author of Epiphany- A collection of poems. In this exclusive interview with Pallikkutam, she explains the importance of friendship and the tips for a long-lasting and healthy friendship.

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How do you define friendship? What are the virtues of a healthy friendship? I believe that friendship is platonic love and companionship that is mutually shared between two people who respect each other, encourage and support each other, share common and also unique experiences with each other and is able to build a bond based on virtues such as trust, loyalty, honesty, humility, acceptance and compassion. How important are friendships in modern life? Friendships are very important in modern life, as they have been in the past. I believe friendship is the main ingredient of building healthy relationships, healthy communities, healthy organizations and healthy families as the virtues of friendship such as: trust, loyalty, honesty, humility, acceptance and compassion are the main ingredientsof building a sustainable and healthy future for all of us, especially when we grow to recognize how to bring more peace into our lives everyday. I believe that everyone wants to love and be loved in return for who they are, accepted and hopefully celebrated for who they are. More importantly, its important to have a strong support group or person to turn to in order to seek encouragement or inspiration in times of trouble, especially in our new generation where people are growing more spiritually aware of themselvesand are striving to change, challenge and advocate a more healthier lifestyle. Technology has enlarged the boundaries of our whom we never talk or meet. What are the when entering into a friendship through social networks? One precaution that can be taken when entering into a friendship through social networks is to mention this new friendship to other friends and family members so it is out in the open and not concealed from people that are closest to you. friendship. We have friends to precautions to be taken

One precaution that can be taken when entering into a friendship through social networks is to mention this new friendship to other friends and family members so it is out in the open and not concealed from people that are closest to you.

Also, it is best to really know the person through several emails, to confirm their identity through video chats, to introduce them to old friends, to know something about them before releasing too much personal information, but most importantly, its crucial that you feel positive about the person and have a good instinct about them. If you feel like you have a bad feeling about the friendship, or person, then its best not to share too much personal information and avoid the interaction altogether. The key point is to trust your instincts. In India, girls are often cheated in the name of friendship. What steps should be taken to prevent this? If by the cheated we mean that we are referring to betrayed, abused or assaulted either physically or emotionally; girls can protect themselves in several ways: 1)Avoid making friends with people that you dont know and cant trust. If you cant trust someone, dont reveal personal information to him or her no matter how convincing they seem. 2)Do not meet strangers that pose as friends out in public alone or in secluded areas. Practise safety by following your instincts, talking to family members and friends you can trust and dont take any unnecessary risks. 3)Never meet someone new or someone you have never met by yourself. If you find yourself in an awkward situation or unsafe situation with a person, quickly go somewhere where there are people, like a busy caf or restaurant. 4)Never meet strangers or someone no matter how well you think you know them by

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yourself or inside their home. This can lead advocating peace, harmony and respect for individuality in order to raise awareness for to many dangers,especially if no one is uniqueness and against bullying, abuse or aware of this new friendship injustice. Teachers can also help create What are the initiatives to be taken to community learning and partnerships with promote friendship among students? other schools that promote friendship. Creating and implementing Friendship There are several initiatives that can be Day in schools is one way to do this, taken to promote friendship amongst which is the foundation for creating students: healthy partnerships. Parents and teachers can help promote Students can promote friendship amongst healthy friendships amongst students by each other by embracing a more peaceful being open to social changes that occur in way of accepting each other, by sharing the lives of students who are constantly mutual experiences and by creating mutual changing and growing, especially within a awareness for respect, love and new generation that is no longer like the compassion by creating anti-bullying older generation. programmes or groups that other students Parents can encourage can freely join and be a part of these in their children to school. meet How can we create awareness among students about friendships? We can create awareness amongst students about friendship by having students share their positive experiences about friendship with other students; by creating fun social groups that encourage and promote friendship and by having students engage with each other to celebrate collective unity regardless of race, religion or economic upbringing, as opposed to segregation. Other ways are to promote positive films that encourage healthy friendships as part of the curriculum, to create peer groups where students can join and discuss their thoughts and feelings openly with each other, to create programmes where students can become a big sister or big brother to other students and to create a mentorship programme where students have the opportunity to mentor their peers in a specific subject or area. This will help cultivate unity, trust and partnership amongst students, as opposed to segregation, isolation or bullying. How can we prevent the misuse of friendships? We can prevent the misuse of friendships in several ways. Here are 25 tips. 1) LET IT GROW NATURALLY: Allow your friendship to grow naturally. Dont force it to move at a certain pace or in a certain way. If its meant to be, it will be! 2) AVOID MAKING A BIG DEAL OVER LABELS: Avoid titles such as best friend or atleast cool down on the intensity. The term best can be very scary and can

and make new healthy friends, to be actively involved in the lives of their children and to be aware of the social changes that occur within the education system. Also they can encourage their children to meet friends from many different religious and cultural identities and not repress their children to strict cultural rules, as each student is not only individually unique, but is growing more spiritually aware amongst our new generation. Teachers can take the initiative and promote friendship amongst students by

Create awareness amongst students about friendship by having students share their positive experiences about friendship with other students; by creating fun social groups that encourage and promote friendship and by having students engage with each other to celebrate collective unity regardless of race, religion or economic upbringing, as opposed to segregation.

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Late elementary years lessons in empathy should make children able to identify the nonverbal clues to how someone else feels; in junior high they should be able to analyze what creates stress for them or what motivates their best performance.
create some very unrealistic expectations in your head sometimes or for your friend. However, each friend is special in his or her own way. Justifying your friendship under a certain title forces your friend to act in a certain way towards you, creating unrealistic expectations, pressures and demands for both of you. If the bond is special or spiritually strong between the two of you, you will both know and sense the love and know you are best friends have faith. 3) AVOID HIGH EXPECTATIONS: Dont expect the world from your friend. They have the free will to be who they are. If you dont like them for who they are, dont pursue the friendship or force them to change. Its as simple as that! Having high expectations leads to disappointments and obligates and pressures your friend to act a certain way towards you all the time causing them to resent you. 4) COMMUNICATE : If something is bothering you about your friendship, talk to your friend and be honest and straightforward. Express your feelings and avoid misunderstandings. Nothing is as bad as it sounds or feels. Go to the source. Your friend cant read your mind, so verbalize your thoughts and feelings right away. Dont run to other friends to solve your issues, because in the end you will think and choose to do exactly as you please anyway. So speak up! Chances are, they will appreciate and respect your honesty. 5) AVOID THE TRAP: Dont be friends with someone if you feel obligated. Its not fair to them or to you. Have the decency, maturity and respect to be open and honest with them about how you feel and then cut all ties. The truth may hurt, but it will set you free. Youre not forced to be someones friend and they shouldnt be misled or deceived into believing your feelings are mutual. Its very painful to be on the receiving end of a surprise break-up, or to be dumped when youve been friends with someone for so long believing they genuinely cared. Dont lead them on, confuse them, dont waste their time, and dont waste your own time either. 6) RESPECT AND BE RESPECTED: If you feel that your friend is using you, taking you for granted, leading you on, mistreating you, gossiping about you, taking advantage of you, never trusting you and so on, either read tip number four or cut all ties. You deserve to be treated with respect at all times. You shouldnt be a tool in the shed that is used when needed and then stashed away when you dont serve a purpose! Thats not how healthy and loving friendships work. Also, pay attention to double standards. 7) AVOID JUSTIFYING BAD BEHAVIOUR: Dont tolerate or make excuses for your friends bad behaviour. If they are treating you like garbage, then they are treating you like garbage! If you have never been a priority, then you will never be a priority. If they are finding excuses to avoid you or to exit the friendship, accept this and realize that some friends will never care or love you, as much as you love them. And no matter how much it hurts, truth is, some friends just dont give a bull butter to value friendship as much as you do. However, be mature enough to take responsibility for your feelings and be honest with yourself and with how you are truly being treated. Follow your intuition, suck it up, respect their choices and move on! 8) MAINTAIN A HEALTHY DISTANCE : Give your friend space to grow - dont cling on to them, micromanage them, make their problems your own, hover over them, expect them to baby you, protect you, validate your feelings or decisions, solve all of your problems or be there for you 24/7. Youre friends, but also two complete different and unique people with your own lives. Respect their privacy. They dont owe you anything, and you dont owe them anything either. Giving each other a healthy amount of space from time to time allows the friendship to grow and gives you a reason to miss them. If you two are very close and chat everyday, then perhaps take a few days or a week or two away from each other. It

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will strengthen your bond. 9) PERSEVERANCE MATTERS: A strong friendship consists of compassion, open communication, transparency, honesty, patience, respect, effort, love, appreciation and of counting all the little blessings; of making each experience count. This is what creates and forms those special unbreakable bonds - the ones that pass a lot of hurdles, pass the test of time, endures a lot of ups and downs, but still manages to make it through the storm; the ones that last. These types of friendships are rare, courageous and special, so cherish your friendship as best you can, when you can! becoming a great friend someday. Just as each friend has the potential of becoming a stranger. Thats the reality of friendship. So learn to celebrate and respect yourself. 13) BE TRUE TO YOURSELF: Dont compromise your own happiness to compensate for your friends shortcomings. You cant solve all of your friends problems or shortcomings, so avoid placing the blame on yourself all the time, making excuses for them, cutting them a break for the 100th time, acting as if it doesnt affect you, or remaining ignorant of situations. A healthy friendship requires that both people are happy and healthy within their friendship,both people are satisfied and clear on where they stand and what they mean to each other. 14) ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES : If something is your fault, then fess up! Part of being in a healthy friendship is being able to admit when youre wrong, being transparent and being able to apologize. There is no room for pride with someone you claim to care for. If you have done something to hurt your friend on purpose, and know it was 100% your fault, fess up and take responsibility for your actions. Take action and grow up! Just like any other relationship, if you cant be mature enough to face your faults, then youre not mature enough to be in that relationship. 15) CHECK YOURSELF: A healthy friendship does not consist of envy, control, manipulation, aggressiveness, constant criticism, jealousy, resentment,

their company, wanting to hang out, compromising all the time, making an effort to keep the friendship flowing and growing, then chances are youre involved in a one-sided, unrequited friendship which can eventually feel very exhausting. You have become the giver and they have naturally adopted the role of taker. This is 10) DONT PURSUE UNHEALTHY dangerous as it can create lots of FRIENDSHIPS: If you feel like someone is resentment, misunderstandings unhealthy for you, then take some time off and feelings of neglect down the road. and reflect on the nature of your 12) BE YOURSELF : Following number friendship. Are they forcing you to take eleven, for the love of God control your drugs, smoke, drink, take silly risks, emotions! No one wants to be friends gossip, entertain negativity or lead you into with a sappy, over-emotional, overly kind, trouble? Have you fallen behind on your own life? If you feel that they are hindering sentimental, uptight, self-absorbed, insecure or clingy person. Its your growth, if you have a bad feeling in overwhelming, uncomfortable the pit of your stomach, if their not helping and unnecessary. You dont need to suck you become a better person, but stopping up your friends to have them like you. you from growing, causing you Thats insane! You dont have to change to doubt yourself or feel insecure, then cut all ties. Go back and read tip number seven. yourself to make them like you either. Respect yourself, grow a backbone and be 11) ITS ALL ABOUT MUTUAL LOVE: who you are. Why should you change or A great friendship is built on mutual love compare yourself? If they like you for and support. Period. If you are the only who you are, great! If not, you will make one caring, loving, doing all the listening, new friends who will actually love and extending a helpful hand, going out of your appreciate you for your qualities, allowing way to make time for your friend, initiating the right people to love you. Dont forget! conversation, contacting them, wanting Every stranger has the potential of

Dont compromise your own happiness to compensate for your friends shortcomings. You cant solve all of your friends problems or shortcomings, so avoid placing the blame on yourself all the time, making excuses for them, cutting them a break for the 100th time, acting as if it doesnt affect you, or remaining ignorant of situations.
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bad intentions, petty grudges, spiteful words or actions, revenge, immaturity, carelessness, selfishness, greed, or superficiality. If your friendship is running on one or two of these things, then I suggest you reflect on yourself or on your friendship and start being honest with your intentions. Face the facts and dont be in denial about how you truly feel towards the other person. Face your inner demons head on and deal with it. 16) STAY IN OR GET OUT: This may sound harsh, but if you want to be friends with someone and expect them to treat you with respect, well, it goes both ways, darling. Dont expect to be chased all the time. And dont expect someone to be there for you when you never make the effort to stick around. If youre coming in and out of your friends life, threatening to break the friendship off 10 times a year, and treating the friendship like a revolving door whenever your heart desires or pleases, then chances are, you still need to grow up and learn how you treat the people around you with respect. This does not mean you have to ask for permission every time you take a hike or want space, (oh no!) but consider some form of communication before disappearing like Houdini, especially if your friend is a part of your daily life. Its only common sense. Give them a tiny hint, then go and explore the caves or oceans for months! Why? Because if someone cares about you, they will naturally wonder or worry, especially if you play dead in less than 24 hours. Its human nature. So be responsible and somewhat considerate while exercising your free spirit. Dont assume your friend will know or understand your wild mood swings right away. Im sure they will understand this part of your nature and ease into it someday when your friendship is stronger. 17) GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE: Similarly, if your friend acts aloof or distant all of a sudden, give them some space and dont freak out! Youll look obsessive and ridiculous and will make them feel uncomfortable. Live your own life. Maybe they have a lot on their mind, maybe their dealing with their own personal problems. (They dont need to involve you in every event of their lives) so back off, give them some breathing room and try not to take it personal. Chances are they will drop you a hint or return when their feeling themselves again. So have faith and trust in your friendship and know that its not always about you. Pushing them to answer you will only agitate them more. So relax! 18) AVOID ASSUMPTIONS: Speaking of assuming - avoid assuming you know your friends intentions or the reasons why they said, wrote or acted the way they did. It can be very annoying and offensive being on the receiving end of this. Youre not God and you cant read their minds no matter how close you two may be. Assuming you know why they said or did something can cause a lot of problems, especially when you approach them with this conclusion in mind. Remember, its not always about you, so control your paranoia. Chances are you will piss them off for assuming something that wasnt true to begin with. Instead, try communicating openly and calmly and ask if that is in fact the case. Youre not always right, even if youve been right a thousand times before. 19)SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE FRIENDS: Surround yourself with friends that encourage you, make you laugh until your sides hurt, love you for who you are, are patient, loving, caring, genuine and who bring out the best in you. The ones that dont give up on you, empower you, inspire you can be brutally honest with you, are mature, healthy, full of passion, life and positivity. More importantly, surround yourself with friends that genuinely want the best for you. The ones you can call up at 4 am, the ones you can feel 100% yourself with, the ones where you dont feel the weight of time or place, the ones that motivate you, cheer you on, give you their undivided attention and can love youand are priceless- the long-lasting souls that can endure hardship, can put up with your crazy days and stick up for you through thick and thin. Distinguish between the real versus the fair-weather friends. Google the term Anam Cara. 20) DONT ALLOW MONEY TO GET IN THE WAY: Dont allow money to ruin a great friendship and dont always treat your friend every time youre out! The best way to handle this is to pay for yourself and allow your friend to pay for himself or herself. You may love your friend a lot, want to spoil them from time to time, treat them to a drink or two, lend

The ones that dont give up on you, empower you, inspire you can be brutally honest with you, are mature, healthy, full of passion, life and positivity. More importantly, surround yourself with friends that genuinely want the best for you.

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them money or help them financially when theyre down in the dumps, but money can ruin many great friendships. For one, when you constantly spend money on them or treat them out every single time, it can become very uncomfortable and confusing for your friend as this forces them to accept your generosity for fear of hurting your feelings. But realize that they WANT to pay for themselves too. Imagine yourself in their shoes. Everyone wants to be independent, so dont force your friend to accept your kindness. It can make them feel obligated and eventually avoid your company. It can also make you feel unappreciated when your gesture is rejected - so avoid all this drama by balancing the amount of times you spoil your friend or treat them out. Perhaps spoil them on special occasions such as birthdays or Christmas, or when theyre strapped for cash. Playing fair and respecting each others boundaries iskey. 21) QUALITY OVER QUANTITY: If youre friends with someone or groups of people because they enhance your social status or because you consider them fashion forward, and cool or convenient to your life, chances are youre not going need or want these types of friendships someday in the future when you realize you lack true friends, friends that actually care for you, as opposed to how you make them look or how they make you look. As they say, its quality over quantity. 22) AVOID IMPULSIVE REACTIONS: Friendships will get boring and friendships will feel overwhelming- and thats a simple fact of life. What can you do about it? Well, before you go off ruining or ending a great friendship in the spur of the moment, take some space away from your friend and make some new friends. Perhaps thats all you needed. A break! Explore new personalities but dont place your cherished friend completely on the back burner, or drop them like a hot plate because you werent sure of how to deal with your feelings in that given moment. Thats insensitive, immature and not fair to them. Express your feelings or just ask for some space. Perhaps you forgot how to love them, how to appreciate them and started to lose your respect for them. Chances are they probably feel the same way about you too - so dont overreact and ruin a good thing - because sometimes you dont know what you have until its finally gone. Yes, clich, but its true! 23) DONT PLAY GAMES: If youre trying to play the victim or making new friends with the intention of making your old friend jealous or just to confirm if your friend still cares for you based on their reaction, then you are not only acting immaturely but wasting your time trying to get validation by testing your friend. Chances are your friend already senses this. That is not only confusing for your friend, but very, very unhealthy and childish. You shouldnt need to act in such ways, because healthy friendships should be simple, open, honest, trustworthy and drama-free! If you find yourself playing your friends, then take some time off and reflect on yourself. Perhaps youre feeling insecure somewhere else. Perhaps youre lacking attention somewhere else. Perhaps you strive off drama and confusion because youre lacking direction in your own life. Reflect deeply on your mental and emotional well-being and put an end to the drama because you could risk losing many great friends along the way. 24) DONT PLACE YOUR FRIENDS ON A PEDESTAL : Its not healthy, and creating an unrealistic image of them in your mind will only lead to disillusionment and disappointments. If you accept them for who they are, then accept them for who THEY are and not what you want them to be. Thats a lot of pressure for one person to handle! You are just as beautiful and amazing and wonderful as they are, so celebrate your goodness together with them rather than measuring them against yourself or placing them on a throne. 25) FRIENDS CHANGE: Dont ever expect your friend or friendship to stay the same forever, although it can be quite painful and scary, especially when youve grown to love your friend so much. The truth is, some friends will change, some will grow with you, some will grow beside you and some will drift apart from you. Other times, the friendship will end abruptly. After all the trials and errors, when its over, its over. You cant do much about it, except allow time to heal all your wounds and allow the experience to make you a better person. It is what it is. It may throw you off guard, it may come as a surprise, it may feel excruciatingly painful, it may hurt you, change you for

Explore new personalities but dont place your cherished friend completely on the back burner, or drop them like a hot plate because you werent sure of how to deal with your feelings in that given moment. Thats insensitive, immature and not fair to them. Express your feelings or just ask for some space.

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good, you may feel betrayed, you may never really know why, you may be unable to forgive them, or you may be okay with the outcome, but everything really does happen for a reason! Perhaps you both needed some space apart, perhaps the friendship wasnt healthy or perhaps you just grew out of the friendship. Whatever the reason may be, remember that nothing is written in stone. Not the friendships that begin and not the friendships that end. If something is meant to be, it will be. Its never too late to right a wrong. Thats the beauty of friendship. So go ahead - miss them like crazy and dont fear the unknown; time changes people for the better. Bottom line? It takes two to make it or break it. Should we inform our parents about our friends? The healthiest and longest friendships are those where two people are completely comfortable with each other and, in most cases, this includes informing our parents about our friends. I think its always beneficial to exercise safety and inform our parents of whom we are friends with and in fact, introduce our friends to our parents. Some of the longest, strongest and healthiest friendships are the ones where both friends know each others parents very well, as this cultivates trust, longevity and openness. Can you share your experience of a good friendship? Sure. I met my friend Senaitat work and we have been friends for five years now. I always thought I would only make friends at school, but this is infact not true. You can make friends anywhere. I consider her to be a good friend and our friendship to be good friendship because we are not only supportive of each other, but inspire each other to be the best version of who we are. Throughout the five years, we have fought, laughed, cried and shared some of the worst and best moments together and still continue to do so. What makes our friendship strong is the bond we share which is based on trust, loyalty, honesty, compassion and respect, I believe. We celebrate each others success, and accept each others flaws and have grown together as two independent and spiritually strong women who genuinely care for each other. We not only have a lot in common, but we also have differences that balance the other out. Our patience, respect and understanding for each other have been the key to a successful friendship amongst many other things. To find a friend that understands and accepts you for who you are is always a blessing and, sometimes, very rare to find. I am grateful to be able to share this experience!

Being friends through thick and thin is no small feat. Make your friendships deeper and stronger with this list of friendship tips for teens or friendship rules from Teen Advice. 1. Be Yourself : It may seem like a no-brainer, but a lot of teens struggle not to lose their identity once they become part of a group of friends. Though who you are is always changing, especially during your teenage years, some aspects of your personality will stay pretty much the same. Figure out what those things are and think hard about who you want to be, then present yourself honestly and genuinely to the people you hang around with. Sometimes youre going to disagree or not be the most popular member of the group. However, you will always feel youve been true to yourself and that you havent become somebody elses clone. 2. Avoid Gossip: Friends dont spread rumors about other friends - even within their own group. If youve heard something shocking about someone youre friends with, find a considerate way of asking them about it personally. If youre not sure how to talk to them about it, seek the advice of one other trusted friend, but dont let the discussion turn into a freefor-all about everything you dont like about the person. You certainly wouldnt be happy if someone did that to you, so set a good example for others - and for yourself. 3. Defend Your Friends: At some point, somebody youre not tight with is going to question the integrity of one of your friends. Its important to find out both sides of the story in a situation like this, but its also a good chance to show your friend that you have faith in them by standing up for their reputation. Whenever you can, be respectful of the other persons question or criticism but emphasize that your friend is a good person who deserves the respect of others, even when they make mistakes. that shows you value your friend and respect their feelings and wishes, theyre much more likely to pay attention. Chances are, what you think means a lot to them, and you can be a good influence. 5. Be Careful About Boyfriends and Girlfriends: Its a good rule of thumb to stray away from dating the exes of your friends. Its an even better rule of thumb to avoid dating the people your friends have crushes on - or people who have turned down your friends for dates. Even if your friend gives you the goahead, wait a while to get involved with someone who broke their heart or betrayed their confidence.

6. Return the Favor : There are times when a friend will lend you a jacket, a textbook or a shoulder to cry on. A good 4. Protect Your Friends: When a friend of yours is making not-so-great decisions friend will pick you up when youre stuck in a rainstorm and listen patiently - whether its about drugs, alcohol, studying or dating - do your best to look when you share a problem with them. Be sure that youre equally as generous out for them. This doesnt mean telling them what to do constantly, but you can with your time, your emotions and your offer gentle advice and guidance from time possessions. People will take notice, and to time.If you give advice in a caring way its something to feel good about.

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