Orientation I carry a secret sense of accomplishment around with me, like a radium pack implanted near my heart that

now leaches a quiet sense of relief through my system (Lamott 216). I knew I wasnt a writer, but I was a teacher (even if only for a short time). I would like to write, tell my students I write in my spare time so they can see me not only modeling in front of the class, but as an actual writing model. I made it into Red Cedar, and, truth be told, I applied on a whim. I never thought I would get in. I am just a young idealist with a desire to be better and do great things with kids, but with a realistic perception of the shit-hole that is the current education system. But, I had been accepted. Maybe that meant, at least on some level- I was supposed to be here. Reading Bird by Bird Good writing is about telling the truthtelling the truth in an interesting way turns out to be about as easy and pleasurable as bathing a cat. Some lose faith (Lamott 3). So initially, I was very excited for this book. Janet was practically raving as she talked about it during orientation of RCWP. I could not wait to start reading about writing. Then I started to actually read the book. A neurotic, annoying, whiny woman with self-esteem issues telling all of her students how they wont get published while using sarcastic humor, which is great in person but difficult to convey on paper. I had to drag myself through the 237 pages that were bound together and somewhat unbelievably given the prestigious label of National Bestseller. Colleges must have picked this book up and required it for class because that is the only way I can see anyone willing to buy it. So I finally finish the book and leave it sitting on the coffee table for two days. No reason for me to pick it back up. Then I have to prepare for RCWP. I grudgingly grab the book off the table and sit down on the couch. I start to look through the book at passages I have marked up. A star here, brackets there, paraphrasing at the end of the chapter. Surprisingly some great quotestoo bad they were interrupted by scenes of her whining as she frantically ran around the house. Day 1 All good writers write [shitty first drafts]. This is how they end up with good second drafts and terrific third drafts. People tend to look at successful writers...take in a few deep breaths, push back their sleeves, roll their necks a few times to get all the cricks out, and dive in, typing fully formed passages as fast as a court reporter. But this is just the fantasy of the uninitiated (Lamott 21). This is the first time I sat down and just wrote something. Not for a grade, not even for me, something that was going to be read and I worried might reflect negatively on me as a human being. I didnt know what to do. It wasnt even writers block, because I wasnt a writer. My brain was just white noise. It wasnt empty, but there were no thoughts, nothing coming to the forefront except I dont know what to do and ugh. Then I started writing, not very well, but my word count was rising. After about twenty minutes, two ladies in the group volunteered

to share their writing. Alexas piece was absolutely breathtaking. Provoking, thoughtful everything you want your writing to be. Mandys piece was heartbreaking and relatable. Both pieces brilliant, and I dont even mean for the time allotted, they were simply great pieces of writing- no shitty first draft necessary. I wanted to let my forehead fall to the table and just sit hunched over for a while. Torn between being so authentically happy for them, and so selfconscious about myself. Not jealous, just defeated. After Day 1 Here youve done a very gutsy thing, shown someone youre heart and soul and he doesnt think its any good. (Lamott 169). I roll over for the zillionth time. Im like a beached whale, flipping and flopping around. I cant fall asleep. I just finished my first day of Red Cedar and I am feeling like I dont belong. Now, I did not share my writing on day one and these ladies are so supportive they would never be anything but encouraging; however, that does not mean that I am unaware that I am way out of my league. The writing these women composed in fifteen minutes was amazing. I got about ten sentences about bullying that was neither compelling nor elegant and couldnt even resemble twilight- which is mature and unoriginal. I slept about three hours that night. How was I going to feel better again? I am beginning to understand why Lamott whined so much in her book. Day 2 The great writers keep writing about the cold, dark place within, the water under the frozen lake or the secluded, camouflaged hole (Lamott 197). After our discussion of Bird by Bird, Janet is talking in writings groups about her woman in the well- the place she goes during her writing process. She asked me if I had a similar experience when I write and she told me to shut up- just kidding, Janet would never say that. She did, however, tell me I needed to tell myself that. The side of me that is always critiquing-that is listing the numbers of years I have written compared to other people- I need to tell myself to shut up and just write. I am my own worst enemy, I am my own hardest critic; all of those clichs are true for a reason. I needed to do something to prove that wrong. Day 3 You dont want to spend your time around people who make you hold your breath (Lamott 170). After sharing my This I Believe piece at dinner yesterday, I am feeling more confident about my writing. Yes, I need drafts. Yes, I need time to edit and change my pieces. Yes, some days I will feel like poop. But that is ok at RCWP, because the teacher-writers here are amazing individuals. Even when I have to write a sentence on a sentence strip that I think is absolute crap, they are still there pointing out the positives. I appreciate them for that. I can see the benefit to Annes idea of writing groups. They support you when you cant support yourself.

Writing Marathon Anyone who wants to can be surprised by the beauty or the pain of the natural world, of the human mind and heart, and can try to capture just thatthe details, the nuance, what is. If you start to look around, you will start to see (Lamott 101). We decided to go to the river. There is something about the rushing rapids juxtaposed against the serenity of the glass-topped river that really epitomizes the beauty of nature. I sit with my feet over the edge of the cement slab, toes just brushing the icy water and begin to write. There are six of us. Ten minutes pass and Im not really writing anything I enjoy. Another five minutes come and go- there sure are a lot of bugs here. Another two minutes- I wonder if these ants are crawling up my skirt. Another two minutes- well Im restless and need to move, I thought Micth said ten minutes- Why arent we leaving?! Then we leave. We do a read around and everyone shares their creativity and how the environment or the calmness inspired them. Then I read my story about a kid dying in the rubble. I pat myself on the back and roll my eyes. Then the day gets interesting. We sit in the median of Grand River. We sit in front of a frat house. We sit in front of a bright blue Victorian monstrosity, that inspires everyone. I arrived, worrying about sharing my writing, and left wishing we had more time. Day 6 You sit down to work at nine in the morningonly to discover your mind has begun to wander just a little (Lamott 117). By just a little, I actually mean a lot. I have accepted a teaching position in Ogden, Utah. I need to pack, clean, look for apartments, design my curriculum, fill out my paperwork, etc. I also am living alone for three weeks and desperately need to do laundry and clean the house. This weekend I have a wedding to go to that basically takes up my entire Friday and Saturday. My boyrfriend and I also ended our relationship because of all of this yesterday. Lamott says its natural for my mind to wander, but its not wandering. It is lost somewhere in the Andes without food and its starting to snow. I am doing my best to focus and I desperately hope tomorrow will be better, but I am having trouble living in the now today. I just need to push all of that to the side, all of that is a problem for Later Beth, Now Beth should be focused on reading and writing. Day 8 Thats what plot is: what people will up and do in spite of everything that tells them they shouldnt everything that tells them they should sit quietly on the couch and practice their Lamaze, or call their therapists, or eat until the urge to do that thing passes (55). Ive decided our writing group has plot. We are going against the grain, look at the conflict that might exist in our later life. We are diving into Mechanically Inclined by Jeff Anderson and it is Amazing. It is going to revolutionize how we all teach grammar. However, there will be struggle, there will be strife, hell, there will be dirty looks from others in the English department. But that doesnt matter. If we can use writers notebooks, sentences strips, and mentor texts for one year, and show the progress our students have on these texts, it will

change the way we teach grammar. It could change students retention. We might be told sit back, use our grammar textbooks and kill and drill these kids, that that is not what we are about. We will change how we teach grammar instead of becoming another teacher drone.

Day 9 There are a few experiences as depressing as that anxious barren state known as writers block, where you sit staring at your blank page like a cadaver, feeling your mind congeal, feeling your talent run down your leg and into your sock (Lamott 176). Just as I start to think writing is fun and maybe I have potential as a writer, I lose motivation. Every idea that leaves my brain, trickles down my arm, and flows through my fingers is absolute crap. I try to write about windows and its crap. I try to write about a big event in my life and its crap. I am beginning to understand the pain that Lamott describes known as writers block. It is sacred writing time. Mandy is on my left and she is writing away, focused on her piece. She is hunched over her paper, and I am sure she is writing brilliance. Alexa is across the table from me, I would discuss how she looks as she writes, but really its irrelevantshe is a writer, and Im pretty sure everytime she sets pen to paper the angels sing. Im supposed to be writing, but Im just rereading what I wrote last week.

Day 10 Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor (Lamott 93). Screw writers block. I need to get down to business. I know I can write, I have been impressed by some of the pieces of writing I have done during these three weeks. However, if I wait until I am completely happy with every piece of writing I create, I will never be done. I need to just pick up a pen and write. During Dawns SWT, I wrote about the day I got the job in Utah. It features vignettes focusing on two minute periods at different points in the day.

Day 14 a certain kind of person finds writing classes and workshops to be likes camp, and just wants to hang out with all these other people, maybe with a writer he or she respects, to get and give response an encouragement, and hear how other people tell their stories (Lamott 152).

Although I am learning to be a writer, teacher of writing, and teacher leader, I am really just enjoying my time at Red Cedar because of the people. I really do feel like RCWP is a summer camp. I wake up early every morning, drive to campus, work hard, have fun, and talk to really cool people that are interested in the same stuff that I am interested in. Its just more adult because I am not sweating my buns off in the dorms and I have to pay for the food. Woo! One thing I have really learned from RCWP and Lamott is the importance of writers groups. I have gained a lot of confidence and am willing to share my writing aloud. In my undergrad, I became comfortable reading my writing aloud, but not sharing my writing aloud during the drafting stage. I truly do hear Lamott during the end of Red Cedar, I am the certain kind of person who finds writing workshops to be like camp.