Perspectives

When conflicts arise, there are two completely different perspectives and conclusions and the issue, therefore, is how each can experience the other being in touch. To live fully, I believe, we all have three needs: (1) To be; (2) To be seen; (3) To be loved. This is our birthright as infants (although not experienced by all); as adults, however, it appears to be the great learning we have to discover through pain. Being requires authenticity and it takes time to first discover our inauthenticity (how we are blocked within ourselves by strictures holding unresolved hurt). Being seen requires exposure: letting ourselves be seen; sharing our inner self. And it requires the other to listen and hear to see. Love is what we are here to discover; to live. We think we know what love is but we only know it a little. Our path is to discover love as fully as we can: love as itself; love that is; love that changes us and makes us sensitive to all that is, in ourselves as well as others. Pain is an enabler. We rarely seek or welcome pain because it hurts! But pain is a signpost pointing out that somethings not alright. We dont usually see this at the outset; we only feel the pain. However, our inner self acts anyway and we find ourselves behaving in rather surprising ways. The way we respond tells us a lot about ourselves. It shines a light on our innermost self where we feel unmet. The pain (however it is felt; as agony or impulse), is a wake-up call indicating that something has to change. When we feel agony, it is natural to seek relief. We may tell ourselves that all was well before (and long to return to the time before we were conscious of pain). But we are all connected. Partners are particularly conscious of this: we affect each other. It is extremely challenging to live in close proximity with another because it is through such liaisons that we discover ourselves. We discover what causes us hurt: we may attempt to protect our tender, hurt, self by projecting fault on the other, the one who appeared to hurt us. But we are not here to change another; we are here to change ourselves. Through following the searchlight of pain, we can see where we need to grow and evolve. It is through a commitment to this process that we bring love into the world. When we act on impulse (often the pain is only partly conscious), it is our inner being that guides us. There is an imperative we cannot ignore. It is wiser than the rational left-hemisphere that demands logic. We have to look back into ourselves afterwards to comprehend, and it is through such learning that we grow. Essentially, it is life (our life) seeking to be lived. Fully. In all of this is growth: it is how we grow by feeling pain and seeking to comprehend. We are beings-in-process: we carry trauma lodged in our tissues that characterises us and leads us where we have to go. It is a life-long journey. If we ignore the signposts, we will be met with greater pain or stultification; but if

we treat the pain as a friend alerting us to riches unseen, we will find ourselves evolving, blossoming more and more: we will inhabit love. Ralph Maliphant, 6th August 2013