10/10/2013

Hi! Im Austina De Bonte

Making Friends and Social Development

AUSTINA DE BONTE
CO-CHAIR, NORTHSHORE HIGHLY CAPABLE ADVISORY BOARD PRESIDENT, NW GIFTED CHILD ASSOCIATION

President, NW Gifted Child Association Co-chair Northshore Hi Cap Advisory Board

My 2 kids
7

year old boy, extroverted, conformist, creative, an inventor, high anxiety for trying new things, late reader, vision processing issues year old girl, introverted, independent, academically oriented, also plenty of anxiety

10.5

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Topics

A few basics Introverts, etc. Social maturity & social mismatch

I had no idea that my kids unique quirks were actually well-studied phenomenon that are common to large groups of highly intelligent children. Knowing this changed how I parent in significant ways. I hope it will help you, too.

Social life at school

Now what? Upcoming events

A few basics

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

New WA State Law

The Bell Curve

Neurotypical 10 year old IQ: 100 Mental Age: 10
IQ: 60 Mental Age: 6 IQ: 140 Mental Age: 14

2013-2014 Transition Year 2014-2015 Full Compliance Expected Must have nomination, assessment, and selection of the most highly capable students in grades K-12

Profound Moderate Mild Mildly Moderately Highly Profoundly Neurotypical Gifted Retardation Severe Retardation Mental Gifted Gifted Gifted Retardation (Bright) Retardation
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org) 2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

10/10/2013

IQ runs in families

Asynchronous

Different ability/maturity levels in different areas Example: a 5 year old

Out of 148 sets of siblings

over over

1/3 were within five IQ points of each other 3/5 were within 10 points 3/4 were within 13 points

Doing math like an 8 year old Reading like a 10 year old Writing like a 6 year old Emotional maturity of a 4 year old Social maturity of an 8 year old Social skills of a 5 year old

nearly

But second-born less likely to be identified Parents and grandparents too

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Most gifted kids develop asynchronously Dont assume a higher level of maturity comes with advanced academic skill MYTH: If she cant do XX well, then shes not gifted
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Twice-Exceptional - 2e

Gifted AND

Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, Dysnomia, Dyspraxia ADHD, Autism, Aspergers Spectrum Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD, CAPD)

Anxiety, Depression, Mood Disorders, OCD,

Vision Processing Deficits (1 in 4, underdiagnosed)

17% of general population, much higher of gifted Giftedness can mask learning disabilities

Introverts, etc.

IQ subtest patterns can help diagnose

Many gifted traits mimic ADHD, Aspergers traits Diagnosis is tricky! Insist on an expert
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org) 2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Introverts vs. Extroverts

Independent vs. Conformist

Introverts
Get

Independent
March to Personal To

energy by being alone

their own drummer

Stereotype: quiet,

shy, reserved, need processing time, think before talking, prefer 1-on-1 over groups, want a few good friends some can be very social as well! energy by being with other people parties, think out loud,

desires arent swayed by group opinions

thine own self be true to belong to a group

But,

Conformist
Want Will

Extroverts
Get Stereotype: outgoing, enjoy

adjust their desires to remain with the group

Want

to blend in, fit in

to peer pressure
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

want to have lots of friends

Sensitive

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

10/10/2013

Introverted
Introverted Conformist Plain Jane Loner Introverted Independent

Introverted
30% of the general population are introverts 60% of gifted children are introverts 75% of highly gifted children are introverts 60% of gifted children are independent

Conformist
Miss Popular Extroverted Conformist Leader, Trend Setter

Independent

Conformist

Independent

Extroverted Independent

Extroverted
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

http://www.bellevuediscovery.com/ Documents/More%20Than%20I.Q.pdf

Extroverted
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Discuss at your table

Where is your child on this map?

Introvert vs.

extrovert vs. conformist

Independent

Where are the other members of your family?

How have these characteristics affected:

Family

relationships & social relationships

Social Maturity & Social Mismatch

Making friends

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Social mismatch
When gifted children are asked what they most desire, the answer is often a friend. The childrens experience of school is completely colored by the presence or absence of friends.

More complex vocabulary More involved games, stricter rules, fairness Interested in niche topics, ask unusual questions Lets look for letters in the trees! 5 year old Kids realize very early - they are somehow different Results

(SILVERMAN, 1993)

Gravitate to older kids (similar mental age) Become a little adult (adults are easier to understand and relate to) Dumb themself down to fit in Feel like they have to fake it to make a friend Lonely, social isolation (even if they have playmates)
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

10/10/2013

Social maturity

Stage 1: Play partner Stage 2: People to chat to

sharing of interests uni-directional

The higher the IQ, the more mature a social relationship the child is seeking

Asynchronous social development

Many desire higher maturity level relationships BUT, may lack practical social & friendship skills

Stage 3: Help and encouragement

Some kids need to be explicitly taught the rules of social conduct Or, lack of practice Or, just average social skills Knowing what to do (Smile and say hello) vs. Actually doing it (I dont want to)

Stage 4: Intimacy/empathy

ALSO, theres a difference between

bi-directional PG 6-7 year old vs. neurotypical 11-12 year old A friend is a place you go to when you need to take off the masks. You can take off your camouflage with a friend and still feel safe.
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Stage 5: The sure shelter

OR, a child may have great social skills

Can flex to match interests, play patterns with others But still longs for someone who really gets me
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Miraca Gross, 2002 study of 700 children

How it plays out over time

Socially sensitive
An offhand comment from a peer can cause serious turmoil Intense response to perceived rejection

No He

Biggest social maturity gap ages 4-9

Gifted kids looking for deeper relationships But, other kids still pretty inclusive, so things look OK No one really understands me, silent suffering Left out of parties, playdates, playground games

Social mismatch becomes visible in 4th-5th grade

Why? Neurotypical kids shifted to higher levels of social relationships

one reached out to invite me to play the game hates me, she thinks Im stupid I dont have any friends

More focus on shared interests Friends who are just like me Smaller friendship groups Fewer birthday parties inviting the whole class
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Coaching
Is

it really true? Engage logical reasoning. playful teasing vs. hurtful teasing Waiting for an invitation rarely works
Teach
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Consider this scenario

Solving this scenario

A gifted kid enters preschool with ageappropriate social skills In school, feels different from other kids, desires deep friendship, but doesnt find it After a few years, starts falling behind in social skill development due to lack of practice Lack of social skills makes it even harder for them to flex to find common interests with agemates. Loses confidence due to perceived rejection. Kid is visibly struggling socially, and the parent believes that kids need to be able to get along with all kinds of people in this world
What should the parent do? Discuss with your table.
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

When a kid is struggling, do you:

Keep Put

throwing them into the deep end of the pool them in the shallow end with a float and a teacher

Make the environment easier, so that they can get skill development back on track
Group Coaching

together with true peers & support

Even better, prevent this scenario by providing true peers from the beginning
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

10/10/2013

Peer relationships

A portfolio of friends
Classmates Neighborhood kids 4H/girl scouts/boy scouts/campfire Sports teams Lego robotics club Math Club/Olympiad Enrichment & summer camps for gifted

UW

What is a true peer?

Similar Similar Similar Similar Similar

age? grade level in school? abilities? maturity level? interests? programs with similarly gifted age-mates

Ideally, all of these

School The

Not always possible to find

higher the IQ, the more compromise is needed
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Full

Robinson Center, CTY, SIG, Davidson, Yunasa list: http://www.nwgca.org (Resources)

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

3 Factors in a Good School Fit

Level
Appropriate Enrichment

level of challenge vs. acceleration

Pace
Gifted

Social Life at School

Neurotypical learners

learners need 1-3 repetitions need 6-8 repetitions

Peers
True

peers to discuss, challenge each other, work together, etc. Optimal for social development
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org) 2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

When the school doesnt fit

Gifted programs help kids socially

Gifted children have better social adjustment in classes with children like themselves. The brighter the child, the lower his or her social self-concept is likely to be in the regular classroom.

Constantly ask probing questions

Annoy Lack

teacher & other kids

Trouble socializing with other kids

Advanced

of common interests vocabulary or subconsciously girls going underground

Dumb themselves down to fit in

Consciously Particularly gifted

Become the class clown

Or

the dreamer, the loner, or the victim Or the A+ student!

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Social self-concept improves when children are placed with true peers in special classes.
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

10/10/2013

Why not put one gifted kid in each classroom? Doesnt that help other kids?

Wont kids get arrogant if they are in a gifted program?

Actually, when kids are among true peers they are no longer the smartest kid in the room
Humble Get

Gifted kids are NOT role models When other kids look at the natural abilities of gifted students, they only get discouraged that theres no way they could possibly catch up. When gifted learners are removed from the classroom, other bright kids step up and become more meaningful classroom leaders.

challenged by peers true self-confidence, self-reliance

Develop

(Delisle & Galbraith, 2003; Winebrenner and Devlin, 2001; Shunk 1998)

Kids realized they are somehow different in preschool or kindergartenthey already know.
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

How to help

Consider changing the school situation Find other gifted kids

1:1 playdates, especially for introverts Join local parents of gifted students (POGS) group Join interest-based clubs: science, writing, robotics, etc. Wallys Club in Kirkland, Seattle www.wallysclub.com Role-playing (doing, not just knowing) Kelsos Choices Superflex and the Unthinkables
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Social skills groups

Now What?
RESOURCES AND NEXT STEPS

Social skills curriculums

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

10/10/2013

Nurture Assumption
Judith Rich Harris

More Reading
Good Friends are Hard to Find (Frankel) Some of my Best Friends are Books (Halstad) Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a (Cain) Lots of kid-oriented books

Amazon Library

Controversial! Peers matter MUCH more than parents in child development Takeaways
Your

biggest impact as a parent may be who you choose as your childs peer group(s) middle school, harder to influence peer groups

By

Miraca Gross (2002) study of 700 gifted kids

http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10400.aspx

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Upcoming Events

Elementary Hi Cap Info Night October 10 at 7-8pm (Northshore PAC) What Parents Need to Know about Smart Kids November 13 at 7-8:30pm (Board Room) What Parents Need to Know about Smart Kids Half-Day Workshop $35 ($5 for spouse/family) November 16 at 1-5pm (Brightwater Center)
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Workshop: What Parents Need to Know about Smart Kids

Deep content, lots of discussion & thought-provoking activities to help you think through a parenting plan
November 16, 1-5pm Brightwater Center, Bothell, WA $35 to register, $5 for second family member Bring a spouse, send a neighbor, tell a friend! Email president@nwgca.org to sign up
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Books on Gifted

A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students Living with Intensity Some of My Best Friends are Books Academic Advocacy for Gifted Children Re-forming Gifted Education Losing Our Minds Genius Denied Misdiagnosis & Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children & Adults Different Minds The Dyslexic Advantage Gifted Kids Survival Guide (10 and under) Gifted Teen Survival Guide
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Social/Emotional

School

General Resources

Twice Exceptional (2e)

For Kids

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

10/10/2013

Local Specialists 1
Dr. Torgerson, Dr. Murphy http://alderwoodvisiontherapy.com/ Dr. Neena Gabrielle Eastside Family Vision Care, Kirkland The only eye doctors around here that I know of that can diagnose and treat eye tracking problems in kids. These can sometimes be related to dyslexic or ADHD-like symptoms, particularly if it happens when reading small text size. Most eye docs dont know to look for this. Gayle Fay, Bellevue, 425-452-8036 Philip Dunbar-Mayer, Issaquah Also Mariam Maraujo, www.drmariamaraujo.com Pediatric neuropsychologist for IQ testing and also other assessments that can indicate ADHD, learning disabilities, dyslexia, etc.

Local Specialists 2
Dr. Shelly Mackaman, 425-885-3330 Child psychologist in Redmond who is particularly good with gifted kids. Plan to spend 2-3 months on the waiting list. Dr. Lisa Erickson, http://www.lisaerickson.net/giftedness.html Psychologist in Seattle who specializes in gifted adults. Dawn Blomberg, 206-963-6252, www.speechtherapykirkland.com Speech therapy, articulation, executive function, social thinking Childrens Therapy of Woodinville Speech therapy, Occupational Therapy (OT)

Dr. Mandelkorn, 206-275-0702 ADHD diagnosis wizard, pediatric psychiatrist.

Dr.(s) Eide, http://neurolearning.com/ Husband/wife neuropsychologist team who focus on 2e, especially dyslexia & gifted. Book very far in advance.
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Wallys Club (Kirkland) www.wallysclub.com Friendship & Social Skills groups

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

Discussion Groups

Web Resources

NWAccel Seattle Area Good place to find gifted playmates

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NWaccel/

http://www.nwgca.org/ - join the mailing list! Northwest Gifted Child Association

http://wcge.wordpress.com/ Washington Coalition for Gifted Education www.nagc.org National Association for Gifted and Talented www.hoagiesgifted.org Hoagies' Gifted Education Page www.sengifted.org Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted www.davidsongifted.org Davidson Institute for Talent Development http://www.2enewsletter.com Twice-Exceptional Newsletter
2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)

GTWorld Nationwide family of lists, incl. 2e

http://gtworld.org/

BrightKids (Mensa) Nationwide

http://www.us.mensa.org/learn/gifted-youth/other-resources/

Seattle Mensa Chapter Kids Programs

Currently defunct, needing a leader (is it you?) Do NOT need to be a member of Mensa
http://mensawwyouth.wordpress.com/

2012-2013, Northwest Gifted Child Association (nwgca.org)