WHO'S ON FIRST?

The text of Abbott & Costello's classic routine.

Abbott Well! Costello! I'" #oin# to Ne$ %or& $ith 'ou. (uc&' Harris the %an&ee's "ana#er #a)e "e a *ob as coach for as lon# as 'ou're on the tea". Costello +oo& Abbott! if 'ou're the coach! 'ou "ust &no$ all the ,la'ers. Abbott I certainl' -o. Costello Well 'ou &no$ I')e ne)er "et the #u's. So 'ou'll ha)e to tell "e their na"es! anthen I'll &no$ $ho's ,la'in# on the tea". Abbott Oh! I'll tell 'ou their na"es! but 'ou &no$ it see"s to "e the' #i)e these ball ,la'ers no$.a.-a's )er' ,eculiar na"es. Costello %ou "ean funn' na"es? Abbott Stran#e na"es! ,et na"es...li&e /i00' /ean... Costello His brother /aff' Abbott /aff' /ean... Costello An- their French cousin. Abbott French? Costello 1oofe' Abbott 1oofe' /ean. Well! let's see! $e ha)e on the ba#s! Who's on first! What's on secon-! I /on't 2no$ is on thir-... Costello That's $hat I $ant to fin- out. Abbott I sa' Who's on first! What's on secon-! I /on't 2no$'s on thir-. Costello Are 'ou the "ana#er? Abbott %es. Costello %ou #onna be the coach too? Abbott %es.

Costello An- 'ou -on't &no$ the fello$s' na"es. Abbott Well I shoul-. Costello Well then $ho's on first? Abbott %es. Costello I "ean the fello$'s na"e. Abbott Who. Costello The #u' on first. Abbott Who. Costello The first base"an. Abbott Who. Costello The #u' ,la'in#... Abbott Who is on first3 Costello I'" as&in# 'ou $ho's on first. Abbott That's the "an's na"e. Costello That's $ho's na"e? Abbott %es. Costello Well #o ahea- an- tell "e. Abbott That's it. Costello That's $ho? Abbott %es. 4A5S6 Costello +oo&! 'ou #otta first base"an? Abbott Certainl'. Costello Who's ,la'in# first? Abbott That's ri#ht. Costello When 'ou ,a' off the first base"an e)er' "onth! $ho #ets the "one'?

Abbott 6)er' -ollar of it. Costello All I'" tr'in# to fin- out is the fello$'s na"e on first base. Abbott Who. Costello The #u' that #ets... Abbott That's it. Costello Who #ets the "one'... Abbott He -oes! e)er' -ollar of it. So"eti"es his $ife co"es -o$n an- collects it. Costello Who's $ife? Abbott %es. 4A5S6 Abbott What's $ron# $ith that? Costello I $anna &no$ is $hen 'ou si#n u, the first base"an! ho$ -oes he si#n his na"e? Abbott Who. Costello The #u'. Abbott Who. Costello Ho$ -oes he si#n... Abbott That's ho$ he si#ns it. Costello Who? Abbott %es. 4A5S6 Costello All I'" tr'in# to fin- out is $hat's the #u's na"e on first base. Abbott No. What is on secon- base. Costello I'" not as&in# 'ou $ho's on secon-. Abbott Who's on first. Costello One base at a ti"e3 Abbott Well! -on't chan#e the ,la'ers aroun-.

Costello I'" not chan#in# nobo-'3 Abbott Ta&e it eas'! bu--'. Costello I'" onl' as&in# 'ou! $ho's the #u' on first base? Abbott That's ri#ht. Costello O2. Abbott Alri#ht. 4A5S6 Costello What's the #u''s na"e on first base? Abbott No. What is on secon-. Costello I'" not as&in# 'ou $ho's on secon-. Abbott Who's on first. Costello I -on't &no$. Abbott He's on thir-! $e're not tal&in# about hi". Costello No$ ho$ -i- I #et on thir- base? Abbott Wh' 'ou "entione- his na"e. Costello If I "entione- the thir- base"an's na"e! $ho -i- I sa' is ,la'in# thir-? Abbott No. Who's ,la'in# first. Costello What's on base? Abbott What's on secon-. Costello I -on't &no$. Abbott He's on thir-. Costello There I #o! bac& on thir- a#ain3 4A5S6 Costello Woul- 'ou *ust sta' on thir- base an- -on't #o off it. Abbott Alri#ht! $hat -o 'ou $ant to &no$? Costello No$ $ho's ,la'in# thir- base? Abbott Wh' -o 'ou insist on ,uttin# Who on thir- base?

Costello What a" I ,uttin# on thir-. Abbott No. What is on secon-. Costello %ou -on't $ant $ho on secon-? Abbott Who is on first. Costello I -on't &no$. To#ether Thir- base3 4A5S6 Costello +oo&! 'ou #otta outfiel-? Abbott Sure. Costello The left fiel-er's na"e? Abbott Wh'. Costello I *ust thou#ht I'- as& 'ou. Abbott Well! I *ust thou#ht I'- tell 'a. Costello Then tell "e $ho's ,la'in# left fiel-. Abbott Who's ,la'in# first. Costello I'" not...sta' out of the infiel-333 I $ant to &no$ $hat's the #u''s na"e in left fiel-? Abbott No! What is on secon-. Costello I'" not as&in# 'ou $ho's on secon-. Abbott Who's on first3 Costello I -on't &no$. To#ether Thir- base3 4A5S6 Costello The left fiel-er's na"e? Abbott Wh'. Costello (ecause3 Abbott Oh! he's center fiel-. 4A5S6 Costello +oo&! %ou #otta ,itcher on this tea"? Abbott Sure.

Costello The ,itcher's na"e? Abbott To"orro$. Costello %ou -on't $ant to tell "e to-a'? Abbott I'" tellin# 'ou no$. Costello Then #o ahea-. Abbott To"orro$3 Costello What ti"e? Abbott What ti"e $hat? Costello What ti"e to"orro$ are 'ou #onna tell "e $ho's ,itchin#? Abbott No$ listen. Who is not ,itchin#. Costello I'll brea& 'ou're ar" if 'ou sa' $ho's on first333 I $ant to &no$ $hat's the ,itcher's na"e? Abbott What's on secon-. Costello I -on't &no$. To#ether Thir- base3 4A5S6 Costello 1otta a catcher? Abbott Certainl'. Costello The catcher's na"e? Abbott To-a'. Costello To-a'! an- to"orro$'s ,itchin#. Abbott No$ 'ou')e #ot it. Costello All $e #ot is a cou,le of -a's on the tea". 4A5S6 Costello %ou &no$ I'" a catcher too. Abbott So the' tell "e. Costello I #et behin- the ,late to -o so"e fanc' catchin#! To"orro$'s ,itchin# on "' tea" an- a hea)' hitter #ets u,. No$ the hea)' hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball! "e! bein# a #oo- catcher! I'" #onna thro$ the #u' out at first. So I ,ic& u, the ball an- thro$ it to $ho?

Abbott No$ that's the first thin# 'ou')e sai- ri#ht. Costello I -on't e)en &no$ $hat I'" tal&in# about3 4A5S6 Abbott That's all 'ou ha)e to -o. Costello Is to thro$ the ball to first base. Abbott %es3 Costello No$ $ho's #ot it? Abbott Naturall'. 4A5S6 Costello +oo&! if I thro$ the ball to first base! so"ebo-''s #otta #et it. No$ $ho has it? Abbott Naturall'. Costello Who? Abbott Naturall'. Costello Naturall'? Abbott Naturall'. Costello So I ,ic& u, the ball an- I thro$ it to Naturall'. Abbott No 'ou -on't 'ou thro$ the ball to Who. Costello Naturall'. Abbott That's -ifferent. Costello That's $hat I sai-. Abbott 'ou're not sa'in# it... Costello I thro$ the ball to Naturall'. Abbott %ou thro$ it to Who. Costello Naturall'. Abbott That's it. Costello That's $hat I sai-3

Abbott %ou as& "e. Costello I thro$ the ball to $ho? Abbott Naturall'. Costello No$ 'ou as& "e. Abbott %ou thro$ the ball to Who? Costello Naturall'. Abbott That's it. Costello Sa"e as 'ou3 Sa"e as %O5333 I thro$ the ball to $ho. Whoe)er it is -ro,s the ball an- the #u' runs to secon-. Who ,ic&s u, the ball an- thro$s it to What. What thro$s it to I /on't 2no$. I /on't 2no$ thro$s it bac& to To"orro$! Tri,le ,la'. Another #u' #ets u, anhits a lon# fl' ball to (ecause. Wh'? I -on't &no$3 He's on thir- an- I -on't #i)e a -arn3 Abbott What? Costello I sai- I -on't #i)e a -arn3 Abbott Oh! that's our shortsto,. Costello 7"a&es screa"in# soun-8