Krista Olsen Bonnie Moore ENGL 2010, 12:00 November 26, 2013 Its Gay OK in the Family Controversial

topics cause us to feel something. Controversial debates are filled with passion, each side valiantly defending their stance in the name of ethics and inalienable rights. To take the side of the minority in such a debate proves a challenge as conservative views taught to us by our predecessors are often generally accepted as the norm. I opt to undertake the difficult task of siding with the minority in this conservative state of Utah in the highly debated and prevalent topic of gay marriage. Now before I lose all of the marriage conservationists reading this paper, hear me out. I used to side with the majority on this topic. I was raised in the LDS church and firmly believed marriage to be ordained of God and solely between a man and a woman, and that the purpose of family is to raise children and help direct them to know how to navigate through life. I still strongly believe that the success of the family unit is central to the success of our society as a whole. However, I propose families can be just as successful with two gay parents as with two heterosexual parents. Perhaps the strongest argument against gay marriage and gay parents being allowed to adopt children and use the services of a fertility clinic is that the children of gay parents would be at a disadvantage and negatively affected by being raised in a gay family. This is a valid argument as children have the right to be raised in a family that promotes their growth instead of hinders it. Children often dont have a voice to speak for themselves and therefore need to be represented by adults that can speak for their best interest. I couldnt agree more that

Olsen 2 any family unit that would go against the rights and best interest of a child should not be permitted. It is therefore my intent to thoroughly investigate and analyze ways a child could be disadvantaged or experience detriment as a result of being raised by two gay parents. Opponents of gay marriage would argue that children of gay parents will experience sexual identity confusion with regards to their gender identity, gender role behavior, and sexual orientation. This is a logical claim as it would stand to reason that if a child looks to his homosexual parents for direction, he/she would see homosexuality and blending of gender roles to be the norm. As all three parts of a childs sexual identity are distinct, they must be examined separately in order to accurately conclude whether a childs sexual identity will be influenced by having gay parents. First off, gender identity is whether an individual identifies themselves as male or female. One might argue that a boy with lesbian parents would be more likely to identify as female since he is raised by the example of two females. If this were true, wouldnt it also stand to reason that boys raised by a single, heterosexual mother would be more likely to identify as female since they dont have a strong male presence in the home? We all know a boy who was raised by a single mother, and more often than not, we dont see this boy running around in a dress, stealing his mothers lipstick, and fretting about how he wants to be a girl like his mom. Therefore, we can logically conclude that a parents sexual orientation has little to do with their childs gender identity. Of course, logic is always stronger when supplemented by research. In a study conducted by three orthopsychiatrists (a form of psychiatry concerned with mental and behavioral disorders in child development) Kirkpatrick, Smith, and Roy studied the gender identity of twenty children aged five to twelve of heterosexual mothers as compared to twenty children of the same age with lesbian mothers. The results found only one child with a lesbian mother and two children with

Olsen 3 heterosexual mothers to have issues with their biological gender (Goldberg 127). This study further proves the rationale that a childs gender identity is not influenced by their parents sexual orientation. Another area of concern is a childs gender role behavior. Doesnt it make sense that a child learns how his/her subsequent gender is supposed to act by watching their parent who is of their gender? This would appear to be true, but in actuality children are going to have their own preferences independent of their parents wishes to the contrary (Martin 210). As an illustration of this point, I was and continue to be a tom boy. My mother exhausted every effort to get me to participate in female-gendered play. She bought me pink and lacey clothing, which I refused to wear, and Barbies, after which, I proceeded to tie their legs to the ceiling and use as target practice with my brothers. My mom made me a pink Barbie cake for my fourth birthday and I was pissed. I wanted something more boy-ish like a truck cake. Despite my mothers efforts, I was happiest rolling in mud puddles, playing tie-up the babysitter, doing flips off of the top of the play set, and trying to skateboard. The point is, I have a heterosexual mother who is very femme and I still desired to participate in boy gender-type behavior. Thus, a childs gender role behavior is not shaped by the gender role behavior of their parents. Perchance the biggest fear of traditional marriage activists is that the children of gay parents will be more likely to become gay themselves. This fear stems from the belief that by watching and growing up with homosexual parents, children will see this as the norm and become gay themselves. By this logic, let us hypothetically assume that sexual orientation is the result of teaching or example. If this were the case, there would be no or few homosexuals in this world as messages children receive in society from a young age teach them that being heterosexual is normal (Baker 29). In other words, if children learned their sexual orientation by the example of their parents, then why are some children of heterosexual parents gay? I can

Olsen 4 personally relate to this as I am a lesbian with heterosexual parents. My parents taught me that being gay is wrong and showed by their example that being heterosexual is the norm. Despite their views, they couldnt teach me to be heterosexual. Children are no more likely to become gay by having gay parents than by having straight parents. Dr. John Gottman, an emeritus professor of psychology, tested this theory when he compared adult daughters with heterosexual mothers to those with homosexual mothers. In both cases, 16% of the daughters identified as lesbian, resulting in the same percentage of lesbian children from heterosexual and homosexual mothers (Tasker 5). In another study, Bailey, Bobrow, Wolfe, and Mikach, professors of psychology and psychiatry at North Western University, investigated the sexual orientation of adult sons with gay fathers. More than 90% of the sons identified as straight (Tasker 5). In conclusion, these studies show a small percentage of children with homosexual parents identifying as gay. Yet, the difference in children with homosexual parents is they will feel more comfortable to come out to their parents and will be more accepting of their homosexuality if they themselves identify as gay (Johnson 50). Zachary, an eleven-year-old son of gay parents put it this way, I might want to go out with girls when I get older, but it would be okay if I were gay or straight (Martin 210). To sum it all up, the sexual orientation of the parents has little to do with the sexual identity of their children. Another large area of concern for children with gay parents is that they will experience abnormal social, psychological, and intellectual development as compared to their peers. This is a legitimate claim as it would seem that children growing up in this unusual situation of having two parents of the same sex wouldnt develop as normally as their peers being raised in the traditional family of two parents of the opposite sex. I will address each of these three areas of child development independently in order to comprehensively examine whether each is hindered by having gay parents.

Olsen 5 A major concern for impediment of a child of gay parents social development is that of being teased in school and not fitting in socially with their peers as a result of their parents sexual orientation. Nine year old Keila, who has two mothers, relates her struggle, School is the hardest thing about this. I just ignore the kids at school. People at school talk about my mom and stuff. Like they say, At least my mom isnt gay. Every day kids say something. Teachers stick up for me. The kids either have to change their conduct or get sent to the office. (Snow 6) You might say, How is that fair for gay parents to have children and put them through that kind of ridicule? But the truth of the matter is children learn to single out anybody different from them. I remember when I was in the Fourth Grade there was a boy in my class who was always dirty and smelled like sweat. It was obvious he couldnt remember the last time he had bathed. The kids in my class ostracized him and would say mean things behind his back about how he smelled. Looking back, that boy probably came from a poor family that couldnt afford to pay the water bill. Another boy in my class got teased because his Mom worked at Wendys. The point is, children are ignorant and will tease anybody who is different from them. In fact, studies show children with heterosexual parents are teased just as much as children with homosexual parents. Tasker and Golombok, two sisters who were raised by lesbian mothers, performed a study comparing teasing of adolescents with homosexual versus heterosexual parents. More than 75% of both classes of adolescents experienced teasing in the same ratio, with adolescents with homosexual parents reporting being teased no more than adolescents with heterosexual parents (Johnson 39). As shown by this study, children do not experience more teasing, a form of social harm, by having gay parents than by having straight parents. Hence, a childs social development is not jeopardized by having gay parents.

Olsen 6 Psychologically, it could be disputed that children with gay parents will develop anxiety and/or depression as a result of the stressful experience of having gay parents. Judith Snow, a psychologist, found quite the opposite to be true upon interviewing many children as they grew up with gay parents. Instead of experiencing depression or anxiety, these children displayed a resilience to negativity towards gays and a broader sense of acceptance and tolerance towards others. Keila, the nine-year-old mentioned earlier, voiced the tenacious attitude, My mom is a normal person just like everyone else. The only thing thats different about her is that shes gay, and if you cant deal with it youre just going to have to live with it (Snow 7). So instead of choosing to become depressed about her mother being gay, Keila chose to be accepting of her mother. Chris, aged seventeen, found that having a gay Dad made him more receptive of others. He put it like this, I think the best part about my dad being gay is that Im much more openminded. I feel more at peace and Im a good listener. I learned so much How would I have turned out if this werent my life? (Snow 3). Now dont get me wrong, Im not saying that children of heterosexual parents are closed-minded bigots. Im merely stating that in general, children with homosexual parents are found to be open-minded as a result of living in what is seen as an abnormal family situation. Ian Rivers, a psychologist who is also a professor of Human Development, conducted a study in 2008 comparing psychological functioning (eg., depression, anxiety) of children between the ages of twelve and sixteen in families with heterosexual versus lesbian parents. Rivers found there to be no difference in levels of anxiety or depression between the two functional groups (Goldberg 139). In other words, children are in no way psychologically damaged by having homosexual parents.

Olsen 7 Naturally, family conservationists might be worried that the intellectual development of children with gay parents might be hindered as a result of being raised in a non-traditional family. Conversely, children with gay parents are found to develop at the same mental rate as their peers with heterosexual parents. Daniel Potter, a researcher for the American Institutes for Research, put this hypothesis to the test when he researched the academic achievement of children from single-parent families versus dual-parent families. He deducted that children in heterosexual dual-parent families tended to do better academically than children in heterosexual single-parent families. However, children in homosexual dual-parent families performed just as well academically as their heterosexual dual-parent peers (Potter 556). In conclusion, children are in no way hindered in their intellectual development by having gay parents. So all in all, children are not harmed developmentally by having homosexual parents. Presumably the most common debate against gay parents having children is that children need both a father and a mother. I agree that children need positive role models from both males and females, but these dont have to come from parents. As April Martin, a Doctor of Psychology, put it, No parent can give a child everything (27). In some cases, children could have one or both parents who serve as negative role models. In this scenario, and any children for that matter, need positive role models in their community as well, such as a pastor, teacher, or coach. Just as children could be imagined to be better-off with one mother and one father, children could be better-off in an endless amount of ways. No child is born into the perfect family that will give him the perfect environment in which to succeed. Timothy F. Murphy, a Doctor of Philosophy, reaffirmed this rationale when he asserted, Parents are not obliged to secure ideal lives for their children; they are obliged only to raise them in ways that preserve reasonable opportunities for a meaningful life (Murphy 300). A child born into a poor family could be thought to be more fortunate born into a wealthy

Olsen 8 family that could provide a wide range of opportunities for education and life experiences. Furthermore, a wealthy childs life could be improved if they had parents more focused on their family than their occupations. Nobody has ideal, perfect parents. For this reason, I propose that children are better off with two parents as opposed to one, regardless of their sexual orientation. As an example, I refer back to the earlier study by Potter of childrens academic achievement. Potter concluded that academic achievement by children with two parents was higher than academic achievement of children with one parent, regardless of sexual orientation. A family runs more successfully with two parents who can balance the load of providing for the monetary, physical, and emotional needs of their children. Thus, children are better-off with two moms rather than one, or betteroff with two dads rather than one. We can defend gay parents all we want, but the best judges of gay parenting come from the children of gay parents themselves. Ruth, a twenty year old who was raised by her gay father, reflected, I think the best thing about all of this is that its forced me to figure out who I am and what I want, since the world hated who my dad was and it wasnt even a choice for him. That forced me to be who I am instead of pretending to be someone else or just fit in. You are what you are. (Snow 23) Ruth was able to learn the valuable lesson of self-acceptance as a result of watching her father continue to be himself after he experienced so much negativity. Personally, I had a friend in the First Grade with lesbian parents. I recall all of us kids sitting on the rug for a class discussion on mothers. The teacher brought-up the fact that one of the students, Rhea, has two moms. Rhea proudly stated, I love having two moms! The

Olsen 9 general consensus of my classmates was that of awe at how lucky she was to have not just one mom, but two! Rhea was okay, even excited about her two moms. One teen with gay parents, in response to being told his family was abnormal, refuted, Were just like everyone else. There is no status quo family anymore. People get divorced, youve got single moms and single dads, people live with their grandparentseveryone has a little bit of whacky in their family, and this is mine (Welsh 57). This teen realized having gay parents wasnt that abnormal, and he was proud of his family structure. Alicia, a sixteen-year-old with a gay dad, chose to see the advantages to having a gay parent, The best part of having a gay dad is that I think we have a close relationship. We tend to be honest and have an open type of communication. I think he understands me and is supportive. I see a lot my friends who have both parents at home or have divorced parents and have much less of a relationship with their dads. I am not saying that because I have a gay dad that we have a good relationship, but I do believe that in my case he tends to be more understanding and sensitive. (Snow 97) To put it another way, Alicia is not saying gay parents are more sensitive than straight parents, she has merely said she noticed her and her dad are closer because he feels comfortable being open with her about being gay. After thoroughly researching and philosophizing the topic of gay parenting, I have concluded that gay parents will in no way be detrimental to a child. As a lesbian, I wish to one day raise children with my wife, confidently knowing their sexual identity and overall development will in no way be influenced or hindered by my sexual orientation or by having two mothers. Whatever your religious or moral views on homosexuality, it cannot be denied that

Olsen 10 homosexuals will in no way harm a child they rear. For this reason, I urge adoption agencies and fertility clinics to not discriminate against prospective parents based on sexual orientation. We are all on the same page when it comes to the best interest of a child, and family plays a large role in a childs development and well-being. For the sake of the children, its gay ok in the family.

Olsen 11 Works Cited Baker, Jean M. How Homophobia Hurts Children: Nurturing Diversity at Home, at School, and in the Community. Binghamton: Harrington Park Press, 2002. Print. Goldberg, Abbie E. Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle. Washington D.C.: American Psychological Association, 2010. Print. Johnson, Suzanne M., and Elizabeth OConnor. The Gay Baby Boom: The Psychology of Gay Parenthood. New York: New York U. P., 2002. Print. Martin, April. The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook: Creating and Raising Our Families. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 1993. Print. Murphy, Timothy F. Same-Sex Marriage: Not a Threat to Marriage or Children. Journal of Social Philosophy 42.3 (Fall 2011): 288-304. Web. 10 Oct. 2013. Potter, Daniel. Same-Sex Parent Families and Childrens Academic Achievement. Journal of Marriage and Family 74 (June 2012): 556-571. Web. 10 Oct. 2013. Snow, Judith E. How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent. Binghamton: Harrington Park Press, 2004. Print. Tasker, Fiona L., and Susan Golombok. Growing Up in a Lesbian Family: Effects on Child Development. New York: The Guilford Press, 1997. Print. Welsh, Marjorie G. Growing Up in a Same-Sex Parented Family: The Adolescent Voice of Experience. Journal of GLBT Family Studies 7:1-2 (8 Feb 2011): 49-71. Web. 10 Oct. 2013.