PREPARING FOR ETERNITY

Preparing for Eternity

Hannah Chisholm

PREPARING FOR ETERNITY

Introduction Deciding to get married is one of the most important decisions a person makes in this life. Marriage is a sacred unification of two people that deeply love and care for each other. It is not a decision that should be made lightly. Much consideration and preparation should take place before one chooses a spouse. Marriage is even more important in the LDS culture. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we believe in getting married in the temple for time and all eternity. It is a huge commitment to get married for forever. When a person is faced with such a huge commitment, it is necessary to prepare and get ready to make that important decision. Marriage preparation is something that every single person can do at this very moment. Many people in society believe that marriage is not important and there doesnt need to be any preparation for it. However, preparing for marriage can be likened to preparing for a test. If one doesnt study the material and prepare mentally for a test, then they will most likely fail that test. Just like if a person goes into marriage without preparing and making sure that they are ready, problems could arise and the marriage could result in divorce. I would venture to say that it is never too early to start studying for a test, just like it is never too early to start preparing for marriage. In a book by Kenneth L. Cannon and Blaine R. Porter (1971) it says, Preparation for marriage begins at birth and continues from that time until the individual is married and even extends beyond the wedding date. (pg. 35) Like Mr. Cannon says, marriage preparation is a lifelong process. It is easy to know that marriage preparation is needed; the hard part is knowing how to prepare. Knowing what is wanted and needed from a marriage will continually aide a person in making the correct decision of who to marry and when to get married. Exploring possibilities of how to prepare for marriage is a must. There are so many opportunities and ways to prepare for marriage emotionally, spiritually, and socially. One just needs some guidance on how to prepare every facet of their life for eternal marriage.
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Preparing for Marriage Emotionally The first task in preparing for marriage is developing emotional maturity. One needs to be ready to take on the emotional strain and joy of marriage. Marriage is a huge step in a persons life and there will be both good times and bad. If one doesnt have the emotional maturity to work through problems divorce can happen. According to the book by Clifford R. Adams (1951), Most of the research on marriage indicates that people who lack emotional maturity rarely achieve a happy marriage. The biggest single cause of divorce is immaturity of one or both spouses. (pg. 39) Like mentioned previously, emotional maturity is a huge part of preparing for marriage. If one spouse is very immature, then it will be hard for the marriage to succeed. A big part of emotional maturity is age. As one grows older, they mature and become more ready to take on the challenges of life. That is why a lot of research says that teenagers shouldnt marry. Most young adults under twenty often do not have the maturity to deal with marriage and living with another person. That is why there is a higher divorce rate in marriage where one or more of the partners are teenagers. Of course there are exceptions to that statement. Sometimes young adults get married and they live happily ever after. It all depends on the person and how emotionally ready they are for marriage. Some characteristics of emotional maturity are postponement of immediate gratification, reasonable independence, productivity and ability to give, ability to love, ability to live in a world of reality, adaptability, mature attitude on sex, cooperation, a reasonable level of hostility, and ability to maintain a relationship. (Cannon & Porter, 1971) (pg. 40) All of these characteristics are broad examples of what is required to be considered emotionally mature. The postponement of immediate gratification is the ability to resist an immediate reward and instead wait for a reward that will come later. The reward that comes later will be much greater than the immediate gratification. This is a helpful quality to
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develop in a marriage because it is sometimes necessary to put off immediate pleasure or gratification for blessings that will come later. An example of this could be a couple that is having problems and fighting a lot. One might have the desire to end the fighting and pain and get a divorce right away. However, in most cases if the couple were to keep working at their marriage, there is a chance that things will get better and the couple will be a lot happier in the long run. Reasonable independence is being able to make decisions and take care of problems without the help of another. In a marriage it is important to be able to be an independent individual as well as the other half of a partnership. Being productive and having the ability to give is important because marriage requires a lot of sacrifice and one cannot be selfish. They need to be able to compromise and work through problems. Most marriages are formed on a foundation of love, so if one does not have the ability to love its hard to have a healthy and happy marriage. Being realistic instead of thinking life is a perfect fantasy will allow one to see things as they really are. An article by Hara Estroff Marano (2011) says that if perfection is what you expect you will always be disappointed. (para. 26) Both spouses need to be adaptable so that they can work through the challenges life brings and solve them as a couple. Another important quality of being emotionally mature is having a mature attitude about sex. This quality is especially important in the LDS culture since we believe in the law of chastity which means abstinence until marriage. It is always easier to solve problems with another person when they are willing to cooperate. This applies to marriage because couples go through trials and they have to turn to each other for support. The next characteristic on the list is a reasonable level of hostility. This characteristic can be confusing but there are times in every relationship where emotions are running high. One needs to be able to handle those emotions and remain calm enough to solve them. The last characteristic is having the ability to maintain a relationship. A

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relationship takes work and patience. A marriage is the most important relationship and if one wants an eternal marriage, the ability to maintain that relationship takes mutual tolerance and love. To maintain a healthy relationship it is also important to communicate openly as a couple. The National Marriage Project by W. Bradford Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew (2012) says, One of the most crucial ingredients to a successful relationship is an open channel of communication. (pg. 3) All of these characteristics together form the basis of being emotionally mature. Being emotionally mature is a key preparation for marriage. Developing these characteristics takes practice and hard work. However, even if an individual does not have a significant other, they are still involved in some kind of relationship with another person. Everyone can improve their relationships with their roommates, parents, siblings, and friends. This will allow them to become more emotionally mature and prepare for their future marriage. Preparing for Marriage Socially Not only does an individual need to prepare emotionally for marriage, they also have to prepare socially. To prepare socially, one needs to go out and date, have good friends and set limits for intimacy. If a person doesnt ever leave their house or talk to others, then they wont be able to find a significant other. Its important to go out and do things where one can meet new people. Go to church activities and have the confidence to talk to new people. If boys arent asking girls on dates, then maybe the girls should try asking out the boys. Dating is a great way to gain experience with the opposite sex and know what one wants from their future husband or wife. President Thomas S. Monson (1990) has said, because dating is a preparation for marriage, date only those who have high standards. (para. 15) It makes things a lot easier when a couple has the same values and beliefs. Most people end up marrying the people they date. It is a choice that one has to make to date only those who they could marry in the temple. Individuals
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that date nonmembers risk not getting married in the temple. Another thing one can do to prepare for marriage is choose good friends. Friends have a very big influence on an individuals attitude and decisions. People act differently when they are with their friends. There is also a lot of peer pressure from those they spend time with. The For Strength of Youth pamphlet (2011) says friends will influence how you think and act, and even help determine the person you will become. They will help you be a better person and will make it easier to live the gospel. (pg.16) If a person has a good friend that shares the same values and standards, they will be more likely to have a strong testimony in the gospel. Also, they will have a safe place to ask questions and share concerns they may have about the gospel. It is so vital to choose friends that are a good influence. It would be heartbreaking to make a bad decision because of pressure from someone you thought was your friend. Friendships can also lead to dating, so having good friends that are of the same faith and that are good examples is of the uttermost importance. As one is preparing for marriage by dating, they need to be very careful to set limits on intimacy so nothing happens that they will regret. Its important to make the decision now to set limits and know when to stop things from going too far. It would be very smart to write out what kind of intimacy is okay, and then tell others what limits have been set so they can help and encourage this individual to keep their standards. Also, one should tell the person they are dating so they know what to expect from the beginning. In a talk by Elder Neil L. Andersen, (2012) he quotes a man that says, Living the law of chastity is a challenge, but did we not come to earth to confront challenges and to show God our love and respect for him by keeping his commandments? (para. 19) It may be hard to live the law of chastity, but if one is emotionally mature, they will know that the blessings of waiting for marriage will far outweigh any momentary pleasure gained right now. In

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order to prepare for marriage, one can choose good friends, date worthy members of the church, and set limits for intimacy so that they are worthy to get married in the temple. Preparing for Marriage Spiritually Consequently, the last way one can prepare for marriage is spiritually. To strengthen and develop our testimonies, it is important to love the Lord, read the scriptures, pray for guidance, and attend the temple regularly. In order to show love to the Lord, one should keep the commandments. In John 14:15 it says, If ye love me, keep my commandments. (pg. 1353) Heavenly Father says very clearly what he expects of every person on this earth. If one loves Heavenly Father with all their heart, they will be able to love their future husband or wife with their whole heart as well. To gain a stronger testimony of the scriptures and the principles in them, it is critical to study and search the Book of Mormon and Bible. By researching different topics nightly, one can gain so much valuable information. They will be able to testify of the truthfulness of the gospel. It is always a good idea to pray before one studies the scriptures. Actually it is a good idea to pray before doing most things. Prayer is how one can communicate and talk with God. It is a special experience to pour ones heart out in prayer to Heavenly Father. Prayer also gives one the chance to pray for their future spouse, to ask that they be protected and comforted. They can ask to be lead to their future spouse and know when the time is right. One can pray that they will be worthy to enter into the temple with their fianc. Praying for what is to come will help individuals feel prepared for the future. Heavenly Father is always there to comfort and listen to problems. The Holy Ghost is there as well, as long as one keeps the commandments. The Holy Ghost will guide one to do righteous things and can lead one to the person they are supposed to marry. Attending the temple often is also essential to preparing for marriage. The temple is a sacred place where one can perform saving ordinances. In a talk by
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Elder Eric B. Shumway (2006) he says, I cannot think of anything that will better prepare a person for the wonderful adventures and prospects of a happy marriage than regular temple attendance. (para. 21) Elder Shumway couldnt have said it better. The best preparation for marriage is attending the temple and feeling the wonderful spirit that resides there. The spiritual health of an individual is just as or more crucial than the emotional and social health of a person. The goal for most Latter Day Saints is a temple marriage and in order for that to happen, it is necessary to be worthy and keep the commandments of God. Conclusion Marriage is one of the most important decisions that a person can make. It is something that lasts forever and one should want to get it right the first time. Marriage is something that one has to prepare for. There are several different ways to prepare for marriage. Some of the most important characteristics fall under the categories of emotional maturity, social interactions, and spiritual health. There are many qualities that make up an emotionally mature person. Some of those are the ability to love, ability to maintain a relationship, cooperation, and postponement of immediate gratification. It is also crucial to date those that one would consider marrying, someone who has similar standards and beliefs. In order to prepare for marriage, one should also have the confidence to meet new people and go out on dates. Most young people go out and do things they like which is where they meet people that share the same interests as them. Spiritual health is extremely important. To nurture a testimony of this gospel, one should pray often, study the scriptures, attend the temple and love the Lord by keeping the commandments. If an individual prepares themselves socially, spiritually, and emotionally for marriage they are much more likely to have a long, enduring and happy marriage with their spouse.

PREPARING FOR ETERNITY Resources 1. Cannon, K. L., & Porter, B. R. (1971). Preparing for marriage. (1st ed., pp. 35-40).

Provo, UT: Brigham Young University Printing Service.

2. Adams, C. R. (1951). Preparing for marriage. (1st ed., p. 39). New York, NY: E.P.

Dutton & Company, Inc.

3. Shumway, E. B. (2004, Sept.). Preparing yourself for marriage. Ensign , Retrieved from

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2008/10/preparing-yourself-for-marriage
4. Monson, T. S. (1990, Oct.). That we may touch heaven. Ensign, Retrieved from

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1990/10/that-we-may-touchheaven?lang=eng&query=preparing for marriage

5. The First Presidency. (2011). For the strength of youth. (2nd ed., p. 16). Salt Lake City,

UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/friends?lang=eng
6. Andersen, N. L. (2012, Oct). Trial of your faith. Ensign, Retrieved from

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/trial-of-your-faith?lang=eng&query=law of chastity
7. Wilcox, W. B., & Dew, J. (2012). The national marriage project. University of Virginia,

p.3. Retrieved from http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wpcontent/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf 8. Marano, H. E. (2011). The expectations trap. Psychology Today, Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201003/the-expectations-trap 9. (1979). The holy bible. (King James ed., p. 1353). Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.