Dear United States Veteran, I have been thinking a lot about you lately.

I admit, I dont know everything about the military, but I am an American, so I do know that you have chosen a life ath that allows me to choose mine. !hat is im ortant to me, and I am grateful to you. "or the ast few years there has been a lot of focus on returning veterans. I have been learning about issues that I didnt know e#isted. $ith veteran suicide rates at an all time high, rates of homelessness increasing, the highest rates of %!SD and !&I ever, and a growing number of young veterans returning home to a country that doesnt 'uite know how to welcome them, Im glad to see that eo le are at least talking. I am learning a lot( I see re orts about veterans on )*+)* and Dateline and the !oday Show. I see more and more articles in my local a er, and I even finally see grant money being funneled to non, rofit veterans services agencies, in an honest attem t to address very real issues our returning service men and women are facing. !his is so heartening, and as a civilian, I am eager to hel you however I can. &ut heres the thing- Im retty sure you dont like me. .r maybe you think I dont like you-. Its hard to tell. I can say for sure that I really dont know how to connect with you. I have had conversations with young soldiers, who have told me that saying /!hank you for your service0 actually isses them off. I have been told that the term /hero0 is not an a reciated descri tion either. !his is hard for me to understand, because I actually am very a reciative of what you have done, and sometimes I hear stories about a service member who I think is heroic. Ill stay away from those terms now, but Ill be honest1I dont totally get it. 2ately, I have become more familiar with military culture, s ecifically that you value honesty, integrity, loyalty, accountability, fairness, caring, res ect, tradition and romise kee ing. $hoah( 34 !... Im retty sure you dont reali5e that most civilians, 6aside from the shady outliers, which Im sure you have a few of too7 value all of these things as well. I can see why you dont think we do, though. A young Ira' veteran told me this weekend that he gets angry when he sees how badly civilians treat each other1even their family and friends. 8e sees eo le breaking romises, screwing each other over for money, cheating, lying for convenience, and generally not having each others backs. 9eah. I see it too, and it hurts like hell. !he thing is, civilians are trying to survive in a dog,eat,dog world with very little order. I have values too, but in this world, sometimes living by them actually hurts me, which confuses things. $hile I dee ly value honesty, I know that if I were com letely u front at my :ob at all times, no one else would be, so I would basically be swallowed u 1 assed over for romotion, given too much work while others slacked off, etc. Its a sli ery slo e.

"rom what I know about the military and its structure, you guys have that kind of stuff figured out retty well. It seems like in the military, eo le are e# ected to do what they are told, and they do it. It seems like e# ectations are clear, and that as you rise in your ranks, there is a fairly systematic rocess to the to . ;od, that sounds really awesome. Im a hard worker, so I feel like I would do well in a system like that. As it is, I have to watch my back all the time. As a civilian, I am :ust another <crab in the bucket, so to s eak. 3y world is chaotic, and I have to try to make my own ath through this mess, one that will allow me to survive-. sometimes, barely. !here is no system for me, the e# ectations are always changing, and the worst art is that I know in my gut that at the end of the day, I can only truly count on myself. See, Ive never have the camaraderie that veterans and military members talk about missing so much. I dont know what its like to e# erience the kind of interconnectedness I imagine comes from being art of such a strong system. I dont have the ability to look someone in the eye and =>.$ that they would die for me. I actually dont know anyone 6besides my mom7 who I am ?4@!AI> would take a bullet for me. I have friends and family who I think would-. thankfully its never been tested, as it has for so many of you. Ive heard that veterans can walk into a room and recogni5e one another-. !hat you can instantly find comfort in knowing that you have the others back. I admit1I am a little :ealous of that. See, life can be retty lonely as a civilian. Some of us try to find the structure and su ort you have found in the military, in an organi5ed religion. !hat works for some, and gets others into a lot of trouble. 6Sometimes it causes the wars you have to fight.7 Some of us find security in addictions, like food or alcohol, because they can feel like a <sure thing, when it seems nothing else is a sure thing. Some of us are lucky enough to have a healthy family structure- but most of us dont, because families have already been so hurt- the old definition of family has been blurred if not wi ed out. Some eo le numb out with i, ods, and !V and football games. Some of us work too much, and some of us focus intensely on getting money and restige, in order to find a sense of security. Some of us soothe ourselves by becoming activists, and try to save the lanet, or anda bears or the rainforest, or starving children in another country. Some of us focus on hysical a earances, and get lastic surgery or bulk u at the gym, or ost ictures of ourselves looking ha y so that we can feel more acce ted. Still others of us ado t a certain style of dress, wear thick glasses and dive into books in an attem t to turn away from an obviously ill society. I imagine, as we are all caught u trying to get by in our various ways, that we can look like a bunch of retty big assholes to a young veteran who has :ust come home from a war5one-.or to an older veteran who knows so much better than we do about being true to ones values and taking care of each other. I imagine that seeing friends and family treat each other badly after having seen your veteran brother or sister literally die for you would really iss you off. I have heard that even as you grieve those brothers and sisters, there are actually eo le who ask you if you have killed anyone, and even eo le who come at you s outing their olitical views

of war. 8ow infuriating. I imagine that "acebook seems retty stu id, eo le arading around, trying to make their lives look good for each other-. com eting with each other-. even bullying and cutting each other down. I dont know for sure, but I would imagine that as a veteran, it could be easy to think, /This is what I fought forA This is what I lost my friend forA This is what I have lost my arm, my leg, my mind, my son, my daughter forA THISAAA0 And I would have to imagine that it would be natural to become angry at civilians. I imagine that if I were retired from the military, I would want to go back to the system of trust, honesty, and integrity I signed u for, even if it didnt turn out to be what I thought. I would want to find that system of :ustice, and if I werent able to, and I looked at this civilian world after leaving a world of honor, maybe even haunted by trauma, I might not be able to face it. I might want to die rather than artici ate. %erha s, if you can look at me, at civilians, at this really sad, unhealthy country we have created, for what it really is,,, we can hel each other. After all, as a veteran or service member, you know what it means to ractice and live your values. 9ou know what it means to work hard and be loyal to the grou . I want to live like that too. I want to be an American. &ecause, those values you hold dear, honesty, integrity, loyalty, accountability, fairness, caring, res ect, tradition and romise kee ing1I dont believe those are :ust /military values0- I believe they are A34@I?A> values. I want my country to be more like the <brotherhood you got to know in your service. I want to serve too( >ot in the military- but I do want to serve you, and my neighbor, and my co, worker, and my family member. I want to count on one another again. I want to live with the integrity this country was built on. I think you have things to teach me. &U!. I cannot learn from you and your e# eriences if you :udge me. I cannot share with you and get to know you, if you are angry with me. And erha s most im ortant, I am not 24SS than you because I have never had the chance to learn the realities you know, or to ractice the values that you live by. I am fighting to survive in a sick world, and thats why I am going to ask you for one more thing, even after all that you have given me, and my country- I am asking for your compassion and forgiveness instead of your anger or disgust. %lease find room in your heart to understand that many of the cra y things you see as you come home are des erate attem ts at survival, made by lost eo le who are trying to find anything to hold on to. I am sorry that we sometimes add to your ain. I offer you my com assion, as well as my grateful, o en, learning mind. $e civilians may not be doing a good :ob of communicating, we may not have the words that align with your culture, but I bet you would be sur rised by how many of us want to love you and want to make this country its own <brotherhood, as our founders intended. If you

give us a chance, and teach what you know, and learn what we know- :ust maybe, we can all heal this country together. Dont give u on us. Sincerely, A United States ?ivilian