Teen Angel

Books in
The Roosevelt High School Series
Ankiza Juanita Fights the School Board Mayas Divided World Rinas Family Secret Tommy Stands Alone

Teen Angel
The Roosevelt High School Series

Gloria L. Velsquez

PIATA BOOKS ARTE PBLICO PRESS HOUSTON, TEXAS

This volume is made possible through grants from the City of Houston through The Cultural Arts Council of Houston, Harris County.

Piata Books are full of surprises! Arte Pblico Press University of Houston 452 Cullen Performance Hall Houston, Texas 77204-2004

Cover illustration and design by Vega Design Group

Velsquez, Gloria L. Teen Angel / by Gloria L. Velsquez. p. cm. (The Roosevelt High School series) Summary: When fifteen-year-old Celia Chvez becomes pregnant, she receives help from her friends, family, and a psychiatrist who recently had a miscarriage. ISBN 1-55885-391-X [1. PregnancyFiction. 2. Mexican AmericansFiction. I. Title. PZ7.V488Te 2003 [Fic]dc21 2003045997 CIP

The paper used in this publication meets the requirements of the American National Standard for Information SciencesPermanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI Z39.48-1984.

2003 by Gloria L. Velsquez Printed in the United States of America

3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 1 2 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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For the courageous and beautiful girls at the Teen Academic Parenting Program Arroyo Grande Continuation School Arroyo Grande, California

One
Celia, if Ap catches you in that skirt, hes gonna let you have it, Juanita warns me the moment I enter the living room. She is sitting on the couch reading last months issue of Seventeen while Markey, who is the youngest one in our family, is propped in front of the television set watching Dragon Warriors. So what? Ill be at Cassies, I answer sarcastically, slamming the screen door loudly behind me in order to drown out Juanitas naggy voice reminding me to be back in an hour. Outside, I breathe in the sweet perfume from the lilac trees as I cross to the other side of the street that runs in front of the apartment complex where Ive lived with my family since I was in elementary school. Continuing up the street, I think about what a pain it is to have an older sister. Juanita treats me as if I were five years old, like Markey, instead of fifteen. But I think shes just plain old jealous because she cant fit into this skirt or else shed borrow it when she goes out with her boyfriend, Rudy. But then again, Juanita dresses like a little old lady. Me, I like to wear tight clothes that show off my shape, like this halter top blouse and spandex skirt. Only I sure wish I were a lit1

Gloria L. Velsquez

tle taller than five-onethen maybe Id look thinner and sexier, like the models in Juanitas magazines. But at least Im not flat-chested like some of the girls at school. Then the boys wouldnt ever notice me! Cassie Meyers is one of my best friends at Roosevelt. Last year, she moved from Orange County to Laguna with her mom, stepdad, and little brother. We were in a few freshman classes together, so we got to know each other real good, and, ever since then, weve been kicking it. Cassies real cool. We think alike. We like the same type of clothes, and we love to check out all the cute guys in our classes. Sometimes we even call them up on the telephone from her house, hanging up as soon as they say hello. When I get to Cassies house, Im surprised to find an unfamiliar guy smoking a cigarette on the front steps of the porch. He looks at me as I open the front gate, and Im instantly aware that he is watching every move I make. Is Cassie home? I ask, coming to a halt a few feet away from him. Our eyes meet, and Im slightly uneasy standing in front of the mysterious stranger with dark eyes and fair skin who could pass for one of the sexy guys on the Guess Jean ads. His wavy black hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and he is wearing a gold cross earring in his left ear. There is a snake-shaped tattoo barely visible under the left sleeve of his white T-shirt. Nope, he answers, taking another puff from his cigarette while he runs his eyes up and down my body.

Teen Angel

Hoping to steady my wobbly legs, I shift my weight to the other side and ask, Do you know what time shell be back? Shaking his head, the handsome stranger continues staring at me as if I were a specimen under a microscope. Then in a deep, sexy voice, he says, Who cares about Cassie, angel, when youve got me here? At that, hes on his feet, towering above me. Then, flinging his cigarette to the ground, he confesses, Im Nicky . . . Cassies cousin Nicky. Im visiting from Chicago. When I dont say anything, he asks for my name, and I mumble, Celia, Celia Chvez. A wide grin spreads across his face as he replies, A beautiful name for a beautiful Spanish girl. Embarrassed, I abruptly say, Tell Cassie I came by. But as I turn to leave, Nicky grabs me gently by the arm, inviting me to stay and talk a while longer. When he asks if Im in the same grade as Cassie, I silently nod. Nicky shrugs, saying, Im a senior this year. Cant wait til graduation. Repeating that I have to go, I start to walk away, and Nicky quickly calls out, Come back soon, Spanish girl Celia. My cheeks are burning as I open the gate, hoping to disappear from his sight. But as I hurry down the street, all I can think about is Nicky, wondering why Cassie didnt tell me she had such a cute cousin coming to stay with her. Back at the apartment, Juanita gets in my face, demanding that I take Markey to the playground across from our

Gloria L. Velsquez

apartment complex. When I protest, she threatens to tell Ap about my short skirt, so I reluctantly give in, instructing Markey to turn off the television so that we can go outside and play. Smiling, Markey runs upstairs for his new baseball bat and glove. The park is almost vacant today except for a few kids playing kickball and a couple of mothers playing with their toddlers in the sandbox. Markey picks a spot in the grassy area next to the basketball hoops, where I start to pitch him the ball. Markey loves playing baseball, even if he does miss more balls than he hits. After about fifteen minutes, Markey decides to play on the swings, so I take a seat on one of the benches where I can keep a careful eye on him. As I watch him swing high and low, my mind wanders to Nicky. Theres something exciting about Nicky, like the way he talked, moved, as if he were in total control. With those good looks and that sexy body, Nicky could pass for one of the stars on my weekly soap Teen Angels. Yeah, hes definitely a teen angel, I think to myself, wondering if Nicky has a girlfriend. Probably two or three, I think. Markey suddenly hops off the swing and comes over to my side, insisting that hes thirsty, so I take him by the hand and we return to the apartment. Juanita, who is on the telephone, scowls at me, ordering Markey and me out of the room. Shes probably talking with her best friend, Maya. All they ever talk about is their stupid boyfriends, Rudy and Tyrone. Juanita never lets me in on her conversations

Teen Angel

with Maya, not that I really care, anyway. After I give Markey some cookies and milk, I go upstairs to the bedroom Ive shared with Juanita ever since we moved to Laguna. Sometimes I wish my parents werent poor, that my Dad didnt work in the fields, that he had a good job, like Cassies stepdad, who is an electrician. Maybe then wed be able to afford a bigger place and Id have a room all my own. Turning on the Oldies station, I reach for the hot pink polish I borrowed from Cassie. After Im done painting my nails, I move to the dresser, where I pause to gaze at my reflection in the mirror. I wonder if Nicky really thinks Im pretty, with my dark brown complexion and long black hair. If only my nose werent so pudgy and my cheeks so fat, then maybe Id be beautiful, like the girls on Teen Angels. But then again, everyones always telling me that I have the prettiest eyes because theyre big with dark, thick eyelashes. A light tap on the door forces me away from my reflection. Just as I am about to utter a warning, the door opens, and Cassie comes walking into the room. Hi, Cel, she says, sitting on the bed. My cousin said you came by the house. Cassie is wearing a psychedelic green halter top with a pair of cut-off jeans. Her stringy yellow hair is neatly held back by a bright green plastic hairband. She looks very retro, if you ask me. Yeah, I was bored, so I went to see if you wanted to kick it. Sexy top, I tell her. Cassie grins. You like it? I found it at the Thrift Shop

Gloria L. Velsquez

downtown. Does it make my skinny boobs look bigger? Gigantic, I answer, and Cassie laughs, revealing the tiny dimple on her left cheek. Where were you? Went to Wal-Mart with Mom. Saw these cute guys. They kept staring at me. Did you get their number? No such luck, Cassie groans. But I found this great new polish. She holds out her hands so that I can admire the lime-colored nails that match her halter top. Really cool, I reply as Cassie reaches inside her jean pocket for the new polish, offering to do my nails. When I shake my head, explaining it doesnt match what Im wearing, she quickly places it back in her pocket, and says, Nicky, thinks youre hot. He asked if youre dating anyone. Oh, yeah? I say, steadying my voice. Whats he doing at your house anyway? You never mentioned you had a cousin who was coming to visit. Cassie sighs, stretching out her bony legs on the bed. It was a surprise for me, too. Mom said he got into some trouble, so his parents sent him here for a few weeks until things cool off. But if you ask me, he acts like a snob. Just cause hes from Chicago, he thinks hes Mr. America. After a slight pause, Cassie adds, He wants to know if youll go out with him. He does? Cassie grimaces. I know hes my cousin and all, but if I were you, I wouldnt do it.

Teen Angel

Dont be stupid, Cass. Of course, Ill go out with him. Hes hot! Wrinkling up her small face, Cassie is on her feet, saying, Look, Cel, dont say I didnt warn you. I have to go now. Gotta help Mom with dinner. See you tomorrow. After Cassie leaves, I lie on my bed thinking about the exciting news that Nicky wants to go out on a date with me. Closing my eyes, I try to imagine what it would feel like to be in Nickys arms and to taste his lips. Ive never kissed a guy before. Never had a boyfriend. But maybe Nicky is the one. Just then, Markey hops into the room like a tiny little grasshopper, announcing its time to eat, so I hurry downstairs to the kitchen, where Juanita has already set the table for three. Its very quiet today without my two younger sisters, Lupita and Rosario, who always bicker while we eat. As I serve myself some chile con carne, I ask Juanita what time Am and Ap are getting home. Probably late, she answers. Whenever they go to their compadres in San Martn, they stay forever. Can I have a Coke? Markey interrupts, but bossy Juanita explains that he has to have milk with dinner. Then she orders me to get it for him. As I reluctantly get up from the table, I pity myself for having an older sister like Juanita. I used to think my older brother, Carlos, was bossy when he lived at home, but ever since he moved out, Juanitas become the dictator. While we eat, Markey wont stop talking about his new

Gloria L. Velsquez

G.I. Joes. Juanita asks about their names and special skills, but all I think about is seeing Nicky again. And when were done eating, I dont complain about cleaning up, since it gives me more time to think about Nicky. As I am about to escape upstairs, Juanita orders me to watch TV with her and Markey. We agree on a TV movie, which turns out to be boring and stupid. When Markey falls asleep, Juanita orders me to carry him upstairs to Am and Aps bedroom, where hes slept since he was born. Why cant you take him? I snap, but Juanita ignores me as if I were her humble servant. A short while later, as Juanita climbs into bed and prepares to turn off the light, I abruptly ask, When do you think Ap will let me start dating? Juanita laughs out loud. Probably never, tonta! Im older than you, and Ap still wont let me date. Why do you think I sneak around with Rudy half the time? Im sick of Ap! I tell her. Most of my friends are already dating, except for me. And, anyway, I dont care what Ap says. Im gonna date and thats all there is to it! Juanita sits up, turning to look at me. Hey, whats going on? I know youre boy crazy, but did some guy ask you out? None of your business, I answer, pulling the covers over my face so that she cant cross-examine me any further. Dont go and do anything stupidyou hear me, Celia? Juanita warns, but this time Im the one who pretends not to hear her.

Two
Am says its time to get ready for church! Lupita yells at the top of her lungs through the crack in the door. She slams the door loudly to make sure Juanita and I have heard her and then shes gone. Little punk, I mumble to Juanita, who is already out of bed, picking out her clothes from the closet we both share. Why do we have to go to church every Sunday? I complain, wishing like crazy that I could sleep until noon. Its not so bad, Juanita remarks, disappearing into the bathroom. What does she know? I think to myself. I remember when Juanita was the one griping about having to get up for church, but now that shes a senior, she acts all grown-up. I cant stand itshe treats me like a baby. Why do I have to have an older sister, anyway? Once Juanita is dressed and showered, she pokes her head into the room to give me another warning, so Im forced to crawl out of bed. But when I get to the bathroom, I have to pound and pound on the door until Lupita finally comes out. Sneering, she says, Youre gonna be late, and I reply by sticking my tongue out at her as I hurry inside to take a shower. Sometimes I think Lupita purposely locks
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herself inside the bathroom just to make me angry. It was only two years ago that she was a sweet seven-year-old like Rosario. Now shes a prepuberty brat with an attitude. After Ive dressed and carefully put on my makeup, I go downstairs, where Am and Juanita are impatiently waiting for me by the door. As usual, Ap is nowhere in sight. It makes me mad that he never goes to church with us, except at Christmas time. But if one of us refuses to go to Sunday mass, he totally flips out. Outside, the three little ones have already piled into the back seat of Aps old station wagon. Im shocked when Juanita goes around to the drivers seat. Am said I could drive us there, she smugly confesses while I slide into the front seat next to Am. Juanita slowly pulls away from the curb and heads up the streets that will take us to downtown Laguna. When I tell her to step on it, Am shakes her head, reminding Juanita to continue at a safe speed. From the back seat, Markey enthusiastically remarks, Its fun when Juanita drives. Rosario quickly agrees with him, but smart-mouthed Lupita adds, Juanita drives like a little old lady! When I get my own car, Im going to go fast. Dont be a smart aleck! I yell at her, and Am warns us to be quiet so that Juanita wont lose her concentration. Downtown, the city streets are quieter than usual, since its Sunday and many of Lagunas trendy boutiques and restaurants are closed. Saturday is always the busiest day of the week downtown because of the tourists who come here

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to shop from all over the central coast. Me, I prefer Friday nights, when the college kids hit the streets in search of the coolest nightclubs where live bands play all night long. Cassie and I can hardly wait until were old enough to go dancing at one of those college clubs. Juanita drives up and down the streets until she finds a place to park a few blocks away from the main plaza, where the mission church is located. Ever since I can remember, weve been attending the bilingual mass at noon. Am likes it because Father Mike speaks a little Spanish, and after mass she gets to visit with her comadres. To tell you the truth, this is the only place and time you can see so many Mexican families gathered in Laguna. We follow Am and the three little ones toward the front of the church until she finds an empty pew behind her comadre Alicia and her three daughters. Mara Alicia, who is a freshman this year at Roosevelt, looks over her shoulder and whispers hello to me. I force myself to smile, but to be perfectly honest, I really cant stand Mara Alicia. Me da asco! In junior high, she was always following me around, trying to kiss up to me so that I would let her into my group of friends, which I never did. While Father Mike tells a story about the saint of the day, I glance around to see if there are any cute guys nearby, but all I see are the same plain-faced guys from last week. They remind me of the two rejects on Teen Angels that everyone makes fun of, saying theyre sexless and ugly. None of the girls wants to be near them. Of course, the one theyre all crazy about is Fabian. Hes the hunk on the show.

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Juanita practically drools when he comes on the screen. Im still daydreaming when mass finally comes to an end. We file out of the pew following Am, who leads the way to the back where there is a large statue of the Virgin of Guadalupe, the patron saint of Mexico. Am never forgets to light a candle for her, giving thanks for all the help the Virgen has given our family. After that, we go outside to the plaza, where Am visits with her comadres and Juanita and I talk to our friends. Mara Alicia is glued to my side. I love your silk dress, she says. It looks cool on you. Although I know Mara Alicia is dying to know where I bought it, I make her suffer by simply replying, Thanks. Did you see Thursdays episode of Teen Angels? Mara Alicia asks. Vanna had a dress on that looked just like yours. Its unbelievable how hard Mara Alicia is trying to score points with me. Yeah, it was trashy, I answer, moving toward Juanita, who is signaling that its time to leave. Juanita drives straight to Laguna Hills, where Maya lives in a fancy new house with her professor mom. As Juanita gets out of the car, promising shell be home in time to do her homework, I remember how jealous I used to get because she wouldnt let me tag along with her and Maya. Now I could care less. Ive got my own friends, and, besides, who wants to be seen with her older sister anyway? When we get home, Ap is in his recliner watching some sort of Spanish version of Wheel of Fortune. As soon as Rosario and Lupita leave the room, I ask for permission to

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go to Cassies house. Ap asks me a hundred questions about whos going to be there and what Im going to be doing before he finally agrees. Then, just as I am about to leave, he bellows out, Cmbiate el vestido, hollering at Am all the way to the kitchen for letting me wear such an improper dress to church. Frustrated, I go upstairs to change, wondering why I had to get stuck with such an old-fashioned dad. Walking up to Cassies front gate, Im greeted by her twelve-year-old brother, Jordan, who is about to take off on his dirt bike. He pauses to say hello and then disappears like quicksand up the street. It seems hard to believe what Cassie says about Jordan, that he hangs out with rough kids and that hes troubled. Jordan looks so normal, but then again, for all I know, he could be a little punk like Lupita. Cassies stepdad opens the door for me. Hello, Celia. Looking for Cassie? Yes, I answer, giving Mr. Webster a friendly smile just as Cassie appears behind him, inviting me to her room. The minute the door closes behind her, Cassie scrunches up her face, saying, Neds a total jerk. I think hes nice, I reply, sitting on the bed next to her. But the frown on Cassies face gets even bigger. All Ned does is work on his stupid car. And hes such a pig he eats with his mouth open. Then, Cassies voice turns sad. I miss my real dad so much. Im not sure what I should say to Cassie about her real dad. I know he lives far away, in Milwaukee, and she hardly gets to see him. Mayas parents are divorced, too, and Juanita says Maya misses her dad, too. All Juanita and I

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ever do is complain about Ap, but I guess its different when your dads gone forever. Cassie shrugs, At least Jordan gets along with Ned. How was church? Very boring. Is Nicky around? Can you believe it? Hes already made a bunch of friends. Some creepy guy came by for him a while ago. Why do you ask? No reason, I lie, avoiding Cassies probing eyes. Youre probably wondering if he asked about you, arent you? Well, did he? A half-smile appears on Cassies pretty face. I knew you were dying to ask. He wants you to meet him at City Park tonight. Really? I ask, trying to keep my voice steady. Yeah, and Im going with you. I talked to Minerva, and she said a bunch of cute guys hang out there all the time. My mind is racing ahead, wondering what story I can invent so Ap will let me out of the house. What time did Nicky say for me to meet him? Seven. But dont worryIve got it all planned. Tell your dad I invited you to watch a movie, with me and Jordan. He let you do that once before, remember? Yeah, I guess so, I answer, hoping I can convince Ap, even though its an outright lie. When I get back to the apartment, I decide to act like the perfect daughter. First, I play a game of UNO with Rosario and Lupita, then we play a few games of lotera until its

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time to help Am with dinner. I offer to mash the potatoes for Juanita, and I even set the table by myself. And as we all eat, I dont argue with Lupita. I keep my mouth shut every time she makes a stupid remark or teases Rosario about her crooked teeth. Then, just as Dad is about to leave the table, I spring the question on him. He turns to Am to ask if shell be needing my help this evening, but Am shakes her head, saying Lupita and Rosario can help Juanita with the dishes. Ap turns back to me and says, Est bien, reminding me to come home as soon as the movie ends. Hooray for Am, I think to myself, racing upstairs to my room. I change into a pair of tight blue flares with a see-through nylon blouse that shows off my bra. Next, I put on a baggy sweatshirt that hangs down past my waist so that Ap wont see what Im wearing. Just as I am about to open the door, Juanita walks into the bedroom. Whats up with you? she asks, eyeing my sweatshirt suspiciously. None of your business, I retort, disappearing into the hallway before she can question me some more. Once the apartment building is completely out of sight, I pull off the bulky sweatshirt and stuff it into my backpack. Then, smoothing out my tousled hair, I hurry up the tree-lined streets to Cassies house.

Three
It takes us about ten minutes to walk to City Park, which is one of the most popular places to kick it on weekends. Minervas always bragging about all the action that goes on at City Park, and from the looks of it, she wasnt lying. Music is blasting through the open windows from the different cars cruising at a snails pace around the park. As we make our way across the park, I notice groups of kids leaning on parked cars or hanging around picnic tables. Some of them are puffing away at cigarettes, while others are talking over the loud rhythms coming from their boom boxes. Theres Minerva, Cassie says, pointing to a picnic table near the girls bathroom. We move in that direction. A couple of creepy guys sitting on a picnic table whistle at us, but we keep on walking past them until we get to the table where Minerva is seated with another weird-looking girl. Hey, locas, Minerva says, inhaling slowly from her cigarette. She pauses to introduce us to her friend Cookie, who is dressed like a chola. If anyone is a loca, I think to myself, its Minerva. She has a reputation on our campus for changing boyfriends about as often as she does her looks, which is almost every
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week. This week Minervas hair is dyed charcoal black, and shes wearing a short, black-leather jacket with skintight matching leather pants, which make her look way skinnier than usual. Wanna smoke? Minerva asks, but Cassie and I both shake our heads. Wheres Sheena? Cassie asks, and Minerva explains that they dont hang out as much this year. Sheenas stuck-up now. She only hangs out with seniors, Cookie complains, putting her cigarette out on the grass. Yeah, I know what you mean, I answer, staring at Cookies thinly plucked eyebrows and painted-up face. I cant imagine why anyone would want to smoke. Me, I dont ever want to get lung cancer. While Cassie strikes up a conversation with Minerva about her latest boyfriend, I look around the park, hoping to spot Nicky. Just as I am about to give up, a blue Chevy pulls up alongside the street, and Nicky gets out from the passengers side. He spots me and calls out my name. Waving at him, I turn to Cassie to tell her Ill see her later, and she reminds me to meet her back at the same spot in an hour. Go for it, loca, Minerva says, exchanging a wry smile with Cookie, who is lighting up anther cigarette. As I rush to Nickys side, he holds out his hand to me, saying, Hey, angel, been waiting hours for you, but it was worth it. My heart is soaring high like an eagle. Oh, yeah? I whisper, noticing the wiry, long-haired guy who is getting

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out of the drivers seat. Nicky introduces me to his friend, Spike, who mumbles hello as he climbs into the back seat. Following Nicky, I slide into the front seat, and he starts the engine. I can feel a shiver run down my back, but I know its not from the cold. Nicky drives around to the other side of City Park, then pulls up behind a dark-green Mazda, and Spike gets out of the car. We take off again, and I casually ask Nicky where were going. To Lakeside Park, he says as he drapes his arm around me. Now I feel more shivers down my back as I remember how everyone at school says Lakeside Park is the best make-out spot in Laguna. Feeling more nervous, I blurt out, Wont Spike be needing his car? Nicky smiles, squeezing my shoulder. Chill, angel. Spikes cool. He turns onto the road that will take us to Lakeside Park. When we get there, Nicky drives around the lake until he finds a secluded spot where there are no other cars in sight. After turning off the engine, he pulls me closer, and whispers passionately into my ear, Youre looking very sexy tonight, angel. I bet you break a lot of hearts. The next thing I know, Nicky presses his mouth against mine, and I close my eyes tightly. When we pause to breathe, I am still trembling from my first kiss and the intense heat inside my body. Nicky tightens his arms around me and our lips come together again. As he pushes his tongue against mine, I can feel Nickys hand sliding

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under my blouse. A bright-red warning light goes off inside of me, so I pull back, forcing him to stop. Maybe we should go, I stammer. Cassies waiting for me. Come on, angel, Nicky begs, trying to embrace me again, but I continue to pull away. I told Cassie Id be back in an hour. Nicky curses under his breath. Whatever you say, angel, he spits out angrily, turning to start the car. On the way back, Nicky lights up a cigarette and cranks up the radio so we dont have to talk. It isnt until we arrive at City Park that Nicky finally says something. Gotta pick up Spike first, he says, driving back to where the green Mazda is still parked. Spike is leaning against the car talking with a couple of guys. As soon as we pull up, he climbs into the back seat, and says, That was fast. His speech is slurred, and his eyes are glazed from the beer hes probably been drinking with his friends. Theres a party at Shanes, he tells Nicky. Wanna check it out? Maybe, Nicky shrugs, and I find myself wishing I could go to the party with him, but I know thats impossible. As Nicky pulls up next to the streetlight to drop me off, I pause for a moment, hoping hell give me a goodnight kiss. But Nicky only says, See you later. Embarrassed, I hurry out of the car and walk back toward the picnic table to find Charley Maestas sitting next to Minerva and Cookie.

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Wheres Cassie? I ask, avoiding Charleys creepy stare. Hey, esa, whats kickin? he asks, blowing a cloud of smoke my way. I cant stand the sight of Charley. He acts like the head cholo at school, calling everyone ese or esa. Never by their names. Cookie points toward the bathrooms. Shes busy making it with Miguel. Charley laughs, then he asks me for Juanita. Just to be mean, I tell him shes with her boyfriend, Rudy, even though shes not. Charleys always had a crush on Juanita, but she cant stand him either. Nobody can, not even the teachers. Wiping the creepy smile off his face, Charley puts his cigarette out, saying, Esa, I dont know what your sisters doing with that punk when she could have me. Shrieking out loud, Cookie punches Charley in the arm, and he tells her, wchale, esa. When Minerva asks me to join them, I quickly move to the other side of the table and sit as far away from Charley as possible. A half-hour goes by while I pretend to be interested in their conversation about the party they all went to last week in San Martn. When I cant stand Charleys braggy remarks any longer, I stand up, insisting its time to call Cassie. Suit yourself, Minerva says, so I take off toward the back of the bathrooms, where I find Cassie tightly wrapped in Miguels arms. Cassie, I interrupt, time to go. Her cheeks flushed, Cassie gives Miguel one last kiss,

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reminding him to call her tomorrow as he heads off toward the picnic tables. I think Miguel likes me, Cassie exclaims as we hurry through the dimly lit streets. And he promised hed call me tomorrow. When Cassie finally stops talking about Miguel, she asks about Nicky, and I tell her it was fun. I dont mention Lakeside Park or how scared I got when Nicky and I were making out. The last thing Id want is for my best friend to think Im a sissy or something. When we get to Cassies house, she promises to call me tomorrow, then she hurries off through the front gate. Waving goodbye, I pull my sweatshirt out of my backpack and slip it back on, hoping no one notices anything different about me. Ap gives me an approving look when I walk in the door at exactly ten oclock. He and Am are in the living room watching an old Spanish movie starring Jos Alfredo Jimnez. We must have a copy of every song Jos Alfredo ever recorded, and Am knows all the words to them. Relieved that theyre both glued to the TV, I make a quick exit upstairs. As I enter our bedroom, Juanita glances up at me from the bed, where shes reading her new Latina magazine. How was the movie? she asks, with a strange grin on her stupid face. Big mouth, I answer as Juanita flings one of her sneakers at me.

Four
All week long, I think about Nicky and his warm, tender kisses on my lips. Nicky. The first guy Ive made out with, the first guy to hold me in his arms like he did that night at Lakeside Park. Mixed emotions burst inside of me, even though I was afraid of what might happen. But maybe thats how its supposed to feel when you really like someone the way I do Nicky. If only I could ask Juanita, but I cant. Its too embarrassing to talk about even with Cassie. But I know Nicky likes me, and thats all that really matters. On Thursday night, Lupita and I are alone in the apartment, so I invite Cassie to watch Teen Angels with me. When Lupita refuses to leave the room, I warn her to keep her mouth shut while we watch our favorite program. Tonights episode takes place at Westwood High, where Camille, the main star of the show, is drooling over her boyfriend, Fabian. Its lunchtime, and theyre leaning against the lockers making out. When Fabian tells Camille, Baby, youre the only one for me, she smiles sweetly at the stud of the show, returning his kisses with more passion. In the next scene, Camille is at the mall with her best friend, Vanna, and another girl, whose name is Jennie.
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Theyre at the snack bar drinking a soda when, right in the middle of their conversation, Vanna spills the beans to Camille: Fabian is two-timing you. I saw him with Amber last night. Shocked, Camille accuses Vanna of lying, but Jennie comes to her defense. Vannas telling the truth, she admits. I saw Fabian with Amber at Musicland last Friday. And if you dont believe me, ask Dylan. He was there, too. Camilles cheeks turn pink as she snaps back, Thats a fat lie. Youre both jealous because Fabian doesnt like either of you. Then, grabbing her purse, Camille stands up and starts to walk away. Vanna calls after her, Dont be anal, Camille! Everyone at school knows Fabian is a player! The episode comes to an end, and as the credits appear, Lupita innocently asks, Whats a player? Annoyed, I remind her that shes too young to watch Teen Angels, and I chase her upstairs so that Cassie and I can have some privacy. As Lupita leaves the room, Cassie remarks sadly, Miguel still hasnt called me. Then, in the next breath, she says, That sleaze Nicky wants to know if youll go out with him on Saturday. Really? Yeah, but Id watch out if I were you. I think Nickys a player like Fabian. And I dont care if he is my cousin, I dont trust him. Dont be a tonta, I scold her playfully, wondering what

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I can possibly tell Ap so that I can get out of the house on Saturday night. The answer magically appears. Cass, do you think I could spend the night at your house on Saturday? Then I could sneak out from there to be with Nicky. Cassie frowns, but I am persistent until she finally gives in to my pleas for help. Okay, Cel. But we have to be careful. Im supposed to babysit Jordan on Saturday while Mom and whats-his-face go out. It might work. Thanks, Cass. I give her a hug while she warns me for the third time that she doesnt trust Nicky. After Cassie leaves, I watch a TV movie, but all I can think about is seeing Nicky on Saturday. When Markey and Rosario burst through the front with Am and Ap, Im forced into the present moment. See what Papi bought me, Markey brags, waving his new G.I. Joe in the air while Rosario shows me her new puzzle. What did I get? I ask playfully, and Rosario shakes her head sadly while Markey dashes for the pile of G.I. Joes in the corner of the living room to begin his next battle scene. Taking a seat next to me on the couch, Am asks for Juanita. I explain that she hasnt returned from Mayas yet. Then Am stares at Ap, who is already in his recliner, insisting in Spanish, Andale, viejo, tell Celia the good news. Smiling at Lupita, who has just walked into the room, Ap proudly announces, Starting tomorrow night, I have a new job as custodian at Lakeside Elementary. The deep

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furrows on Aps forehead seem to have faded, and there is a brightness in his tired eyes as he continues, Now your Am wont have to work in the fields anymore. She can stay home with the little ones. When Lupita and Rosario start to clap their hands loudly, I realize how happy Aps news makes me, too. After all, at school I often get embarrassed when we have to talk about our parents. It seems like everyones Dad has a normal job except for mine. Now things will be different. Maybe people wont treat us like were only migrant workers. After I congratulate Ap, I take off upstairs to my room so I can think about my date with Nicky. Tonight is the perfect night to ask Ap about sleeping over at Cassies house, I think to myself as I search through my closet, wondering what to wear that Nicky might like. When Juanita gets home, we help Am prepare a special celebration dinner with Aps favorite dish, chiles rellenos, which I dont much like because theyre way too spicy. Am even invites Carlos, who comes by during his break from the Taco Factory, the fast-food place hes been working at since he dropped out of Roosevelt. Most of the time, Carlos is tired and grouchy, but tonight hes in good spirits from hearing about Aps new job as custodian. Just as Ap is about to leave the table, I find the courage to ask for permission to sleep over at Cassies on Saturday. Cassie needs help babysitting Jordan, I casually explain, noticing the questioning look that crosses between Juanita and Carlos.

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When Ap asks Am for her opinion, she right away agrees, indicating that Cassie comes from a respectable family and that her parents would appreciate my help. Ap turns back to me and says, Est bien. Then, in a stern voice, he reminds me to come home early the next morning. Yeah, Celia, come home early, Lupita repeats in a snotty tone. For a brief second, I want to tell Lupita to shut up, but I decide against it, since I dont want to risk Aps changing his mind. On Saturday, when I get to Cassies house, I find her in the living room with Jordan eating a pizza while they watch television. My parents just left, Cassie explains, biting down on a huge chunk of pizza. As I greet Jordan, who barely even glances at me, Cassie invites me to join her on the couch. Grabbing a slice of pizza, I plop down next to her, wishing Jordan werent present, so that I could ask about Nicky. As soon as the Nickelodeon program ends, Jordan goes off to his room to play video games. I immediately turn to Cassie and ask, What time did Nicky say hed come for me? Oh, him, she replies coolly. He said hed come by around ten-thirty. Do I look all right? I ask, smoothing out my short pleated skirt.

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Who cares what Nicky thinks? Cassie answers with a frown as she changes the channel to Victorias Secret Fashion Show. We spend the next few hours criticizing the models in their tight, see-through nighties. As the show comes to an end, Jordan reappears, making his way to the kitchen for a Pepsi. On his way back, Cassie reminds him its ten oclock, his curfew, and Jordan sneers at her. Several minutes later, Cassie bangs on his door until he finally turns off the lights. Were taking turns peering out the front window for Nicky, when Spikes car pulls into the driveway. Its him, Cassie announces. Hurry before Jordan wakes up. Already on my feet, I thank Cassie, but she waves me away with another warning about Nicky. Outside, Nicky holds the door open for me as I slide into the front seat. Hi, angel, he says with a smile, his dark eyes flicking across my skirt approvingly. I remind Nicky that he has to bring me back by midnight. He draws me close and whispers in a low, sexy voice that smells of cigarettes and alcohol, No problem, angel. As Nicky heads for the freeway exit that will take us south, I wonder just how much hes had to drink. Theres this cool beach that Spike showed me the other night. Thought wed go there tonight. Okay, angel? Aware of the knots forming in my stomach, I nod, adding, Dont forget, I have to be back by midnight. Nicky grins, insisting that I worry too much, that he

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knows how to tell time. We continue on the freeway until we get to the Coral Beach exit. Turning onto the frontage road, Nicky drives several more miles until we come to a side road, which leads to a secluded beach area. This is it, angel, Nicky says, parking the car in a dimly lit area where there are no other cars in sight. Before we get out of the car, Nicky reaches into the back seat for a blanket and a brown paper bag with several cans of beer in it. Then, taking off our shoes, we make our way slowly through the moist sand toward the shimmering water. As we get closer, the rhythmic sounds of the ocean waves fill the night air. This way, Nicky says, turning toward the hilly area that runs parallel to the shoreline. We stop when we get to the foot of a sloped area. After spreading out the blanket, Nicky sits down and invites me to sit next to him. He pulls out a can of beer and offers it to me, but I shake my head. Watching Nicky take several long sips, I imagine he thinks Im a baby for refusing, but the truth is, Ive never drank beer before and Im not about to start now. All it does is cause trouble. As soon as he downs his beer, Nicky puts his arm around me and we begin to kiss. He tastes funny, but I dont care as his tongue continues to ignite flames inside me. Then slowly, Nicky begins to ease me back until were lying on the blanket and Im completely submerged in his passionate kisses. When Nickys hand reaches under my

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blouse, my body begins to tremble. I love you, baby, he whispers, his mouth bearing down harder as he rolls on top of me. For an instant, I think about pushing him back, telling him Im not that kind of girl, but it feels so good to be in his arms. When Nicky starts to unzip his jeans, I whisper, No, Nicky, but he quickly insists, Come on, baby. Let me show you how much I love you. In a timid voice, I ask Nicky if he really does love me, and he whispers yes. I close my eyes, letting myself believe in him as if he were some sort of god. Afterwards, Nicky acts as if nothing has happened. He sits up to drink another beer while I nervously straighten out my clothes. Then, downing his beer, he insists its time to leave. Frightened, I stare into Nickys eyes, whispering, I love you, Nicky. Yeah, me, too, he mumbles, gathering up the empty beer cans. On the way back, I make sure to keep my eyes focused on the road because Nickys been drinking. But he doesnt even notice as he brags about all the parties he and his friends go to on weekends. When we get back to Laguna and Nicky pulls up in front of Cassies house, I gather up my thoughts to ask, You do love me, dont you, Nicky? Sure, angel, he answers soberly, hurrying me out of

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the car without so much as a kiss goodbye. Cassie has left the door unlocked for me, so I carefully sneak through the dark living room toward her bedroom. The second I open her door, the light comes on, and Cassie is sitting up in bed, looking wide awake. Good, you made it back before my parents. How was it? It was fun, but I have to pee, I hastily reply, going into the bathroom before she can quiz me some more. Then, as I bend down to use the bathroom, I notice the spots of blood on my underwear. My eyes brimming with tears, I wonder if my period is here or if its from what happened at the beach with Nicky.

Five
The next day, I worry like crazy about going all the way with Nicky at the beach. Guess Im not a virgin anymore, like the girls at school say, like its supposed to make you feel cool or something. Me, I dont really know. I feel confused, even sad, but at least I know Nicky loves me. Yes, Nicky loves me, I repeat in my head a thousand times, trying not to get panicky as the days pass. But when Thursday rolls around and I still havent heard from Nicky, I decide to drop by Cassies house on the way back from the playground with Markey. Disappointed that Nicky isnt there, I hang out for a while with Cassie while Markey and Jordan play video games. After about an hour, I tell Markey its time to leave. As we step outside, Spikes car pulls into the driveway. My heart begins to spin wildly as Nicky gets out of the car. Certain that hes going to want to speak to me, I stop, but Nicky barely glances my way, mumbling hello as he rushes inside the front door. Shocked by Nickys coldness, I hurry after Markey, who is already out the front gate. Later that evening watching Teen Angels with Cassie, Im reminded of Nicky. On tonights episode, Camille
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stops Dylan in the hallway to ask him if its true that Fabian cheated on her. Dylan nods, saying, Yeah, Jennie was telling you the truth. We did see Fabian with another chick at Musicland. But Camille cant handle it. Thanking Dylan, she heads for the nearest bathroom, where she cries her heart out. Next, they show Camille with Fabian after school, and she confronts him about going out with Amber. Pouting slightly, Fabian pulls Camille into his arms, saying, Oh, baby, you know I wouldnt do that. But this time Camille doesnt let Fabian sweet-talk her. Instead, she slaps him hard on the face as the episode comes to an end. Shes not as dumb as I thought she was! Cassie exclaims, standing up to leave. And as I walk her to the front door, I wonder if Nicky is a player like Fabian. The following day, Im determined to find out why Nicky acted that way, so I wait until Am and Ap leave to the grocery store, then I sneak over to Cassies house. Nicky is sitting on the front steps smoking a cigarette, but before I can even say hello, he remarks dryly, Cassies not home. Then, insisting he has to take a shower, Nicky stands up to go inside. Nicky, wait, I plead as the door closes behind him. With tears in my eyes, I take off in the direction of City Park, wondering how Nicky could be so mean, especially after what happened. Doesnt he realize how much I love him? When I come to the next intersection, I cross the street to the park, ignoring the two men passed out on the corner. Then I find an empty spot on the grass, where I

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close my eyes and cry softly. After a while, I manage to stop crying, but I dont move. I stay in the same position as if paralyzed, watching the cars drive by. When dusk starts to set in, I slowly lift my body, realizing I need to go home before I get into trouble with Ap. Juanita glares at me from the telephone as I walk in the front door, threatening me for having skipped out on my turn to wash the dishes. Just then, Am comes out of the kitchen, and she scolds me for not letting her know where I went. I told your Ap you were doing homework with your amiga. Lupita steps out from behind her and says, She was probably with her boyfriend. Shut up, I tell her and apologize to Am. I go upstairs to my room and I bury my face on the pillow, wondering what I could have possibly done to make Nicky treat me like that. As soon as Juanita walks into the room, she notices my swollen eyes. Why are you crying, Cel? If its about the dishes, you can do them twice this week. Where were you, anyway? Just walking around. Did you and Cassie have a fight? Before I can answer, Juanita smiles sympathetically and says, Dont worry. Maya and I fight all the time. But we always make up.

b b b

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On Saturday, Im sitting in a booth with Cassie at Foster Freeze, when Nicky walks in the door with a shapely brunette. Shes wearing the tightest pants Ive ever seen, and Nicky has his arm tightly wrapped around her waist. As they make their way to the counter, the Barbie lookalike snuggles up closer to Nicky, and he whispers something into her ear that makes her giggle. What a ho, Cassie remarks while we watch them place their order. Still in shock, I think about walking up to Nicky and slapping him hard on his dogface, but Cassie grabs my hand, insisting, Lets get out of here. Swallowing my pride, I follow Cassie out the back entrance before Nicky can see us. Forget about him, Cel, Cassie advises as I start to cry. Nickys a loser, like that guy Miguel who never called me. After that, I completely avoid mentioning Nickys name. But on Thursday, when Cassie comes to watch Teen Angels with me, I break down and ask for him. Frowning, Cassie says, I heard sleazeball on the phone with Spike. Apparently he has a date tonight with the ho her name is Pamela. Maybe hell get some disease from her. Serves him right. Just then, Juanita walks into the living room with Lupita, so we focus our attention back on Teen Angels. Now Camille is on the phone with Fabian, begging him to take her back and insisting that she was wrong to believe the gossip.

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Juanita gasps, That Camille is a number one tonta, and Cassie nods in complete agreement. When a commercial comes on, Juanita and Cassie go on and on about how the guys always expect the girls to do the begging. Me, I dont say anything. Their conversation comes to a halt when Camille comes back on the screen. Now she is at Westwood High with Vanna, who keeps ragging on her that Fabian is only using her. But Camille still refuses to listen, insisting that the only thing that matters is that Fabian really loves her. As the show ends, I remember how I foolishly believed Nickys lies, just like Camille with Fabian. That weekend, Im feeling lonely and desperate, so I go to Cassies house, hoping to run into Nicky. When I get there, Cassie immediately gives me the shocking news. What do you mean hes gone? I ask her, my voice shaking like jello. Mom and Ned took him to the airport this morning. Fear splits my heart in two as my eyes dart around the living room, searching for traces of Nicky. He mustve left me a letter or something? I plead, but Cassie shakes her head sadly. Then, raising her voice slightly, Cassie says, Forget him, Cel. Nickys not worth it. That evening, when Juanita returns from the movies, she finds me in bed crying for the second time. Now I know somethings wrong, she exclaims, demanding that I tell her what has happened.

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Nothings wrong, I shout back at her. Just leave me alone. Suit yourself! Juanita replies angrily as I pull the covers over my head so that shell back off.

b b b
As the weeks pass, I feel all alone, as if I am drowning in a pool of quicksand and theres no one to pull me out. Am scolds me constantly because now Im the one who is picking fights with Lupita. Juanita begs me to tell her whats bothering me, but I dont. I keep insisting its none of her business. Yet I am aware of her watching me closely, hoping to uncover the reason for my moodiness. Then it happens. One morning right after breakfast, I begin to feel nauseated. Clutching my stomach, I rush to the bathroom and vomit everything Ive eaten. Afterwards, I rinse my face with water, thinking about my period and how it still hasnt come. At first I thought I was late, but now, staring at my ashen face in the mirror, Im struck with a sudden fear. No, it cant be, I whisper at my reflection, afraid of facing the truth. We only did it once. It cant possibly happen that fast. My eyes get watery as I remember what the Health Ed teacher said, how it only takes one time. Wiping the tears from my face, I stare into the mirror again, thinking that this cant be happening. Ap would kill me. It must have been something I ate. My period will come tomorrow. But the next morning it happens again, only this time

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Im in such a hurry to make it to the bathroom that I forget to lock the door behind me. Juanita walks in to find me leaning over the toilet puking my guts out. As I finish, I quickly explain, The chorizo Am made mustve been spoiled. The astonishment on Juanitas face lets me know she isnt convinced by my lame explanation. Grabbing me gently by the arm, she says, Celia. I think we better talk. Fed up with all the lies, I burst into tears as Juanita wraps her arms around me and I lean my head on her shoulder, instantly glad that I have an older sister.

Six
Ms. Martnez
I was straightening out the messy pile of folders on my desk when the receptionist called to say that a young girl was waiting to speak with me. Do we have an appointment? I asked Debbie, glancing at my appointment calendar. Lately, Id been unusually distracted, so it wouldnt surprise me if Id actually overlooked a client. No, she doesnt. But her name is Rina Morales, and she insists you know her. Rina Morales, I repeated with a smile. Tell her to come in. Moments later, Rina walked into my office and I greeted her with a huge embrace. I invited her to sit on the comfortable leather couch next to my desk. This is quite a surprise, Rina. I was beginning to think youd forgotten all about your favorite shrink! Rinas beautiful big ebony face broke into a smile. Maya told me all about your new fancy office, so I thought Id check it out on my way to Titi Carmens. Lucky for me, I replied, watching Rinas dark eyes
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carefully examine everything around her from the small beige refrigerator in the corner, which was well-stocked with Pepsi, to the striking bronze sculpture of Crazy Horse that Frank and I had bought on our first visit to Crazy Horse Mountain in South Dakota. Your new place is bad, Ms. Martnez, Rina concluded as our eyes met. Im glad you approve, Rina. I always wanted to have my own practice. And I love having a view of the mountains. Nodding, Rina turned slightly to gaze out the large window directly behind her. Yeah, its bad, Ms. Martnez. So tell me, how have you been, Rina? As Rina shifted her body awkwardly, I was reminded of how often shed complained to me about her bulky size and weight, wishing she were thin like Maya. Ive been real good, Ms. Martnez. I got a job at McDonalds for the summer. See my golden arches? she proudly exclaimed, pointing to the bright yellow emblem on her shirt. Smiling, I teased her back, But what will you do with all that money youre earning? Uncrossing her dark legs, Rina sighed, I give most of it to my mom to help out. How are you two getting along? A lot better, Ms. Martnez. At first, when Mom came out of the womens shelter, it was real hard. But now Mom and I talk more, and we help each other a lot. Im so glad

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we dont have to keep it a secret no more, about dad beating on her. So am I, Rina, I agreed, knowing how very difficult it had been for Rinas mom finally to face the truth about her abusive marriage. She and Rina had both been very brave in exposing their terrible secret. Has your Dad tried contacting your mom anymore? Rina shook her head fiercely. Last thing we heard was that he took off to another state with some twenty-oneyear-old. Good riddance, is all I say. I nodded, relieved that Rinas family was out of danger for the time being. I was about to offer Rina a Pepsi when she stood up and said, I better goTiti Carmen will wonder what happened to me. Okay, young lady. But make sure you come back soon. And next time bring your mom with you. I will, Ms. Martnez, Rina agreed, her eyes shining brightly as I walked her to the door and we said goodbye. Glancing at the clock on my desk, I hastily began to stuff some papers into my briefcase, when Debbie called me to say that there was a call for me on the other line. Darn, I whispered under my breath, sitting back down and pressing the lighted button. I was instantly greeted by Dr. Jenkinss pleasant voice. Hello, Sandra. Im glad I caught you before you left for the day. Hope youre sitting down because I have some wonderful news for you. Your test results came back posi-

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tive. Congratulations, youre going to be a mommy! Unable to speak, I leaned back in my chair, thinking about Frank and the baby wed wanted for so many years now. Sandra, are you still there? Dr. Jenkins asked, interrupting my momentary silence. Yes, but Im stunnedI cant believe it! I answered, taking a deep breath. Dr. Jenkins chuckled as she went on to explain that I needed to schedule an appointment to see her for my first prenatal checkup. Thanking her again, I hung up the receiver, then reached for my briefcase so that I could hurry home to share the exciting news with Frank.

b b b
Hi, beautiful, Frank cheerfully greeted me from the living room, where he was watching old reruns of Saturday Night Live. Hurrying to Franks side, I returned his kiss and cuddled up next to him on the couch. How was your day, hon? Frank asked, gently squeezing my shoulder. The words sprang from my mouth like a mouthful of butterflies, Were pregnant. Franks blue eyes narrowed as he carefully studied my face. Sandra, is this a joke? Bemused, I shook my head. Dr. Jenkins just finished giving me the news in my office.

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Oh, hon, Frank sighed, why didnt you tell me you thought we might be pregnant? Because I didnt want to disappoint you. I guess I wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure. Frank smiled sheepishly, patting my stomach gently. So how far along are we? Almost three months, I confessed as Frank began to cover my face with his kisses. Then, springing to his feet, Frank released the wildest dance routine Id ever seen him do of Elvis Presleys Hunk-of-Burning-Love song. I didnt stop laughing until Frank brought his performance to an end, insisting that he needed to share the news with his brother, Bryan, who lived in the Bay Area. As I watched Frank leave the room, I imagined what a fun dad he would be, with his playful nature and silly jokes. But when I leaned back and closed my eyes, I was suddenly paralyzed with fear as I was taken back to my first marriage. I was a senior in high school, and Id fallen helplessly in love with Ral, the handsomest Chicano in the barrio. Despite my parents objections, Id married Ral only to find out that he was more interested in partying with his friends than being a husband. Years later, when Id finally found the courage to leave Ral, I found out I was pregnant. But my pregnancy didnt last. Shortly after, I miscarried and was left with deep, ugly scars. Franks loud voice chased away my fearful thoughts as he came back into the room. Hon, Bryan insists he wants to be the padrino.

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Smiling at Franks Taco Bell Spanish pronunciation, I joked back, Does that mean Diego will be the godmother? Frank laughed loudly. Can you imagine how your mother would react, Sandy? Shed have a heart attack at the thought of a gay couple baptizing her first grandchild! Are you kidding? Shed never forgive us. But my mom and dad would love it, Frank confessed, and I nodded in complete agreement. If anyone had accepted Bryan when he had finally come out of the closet, it was his own family. Their unconditional love had even allowed them to accept Diego as Bryans choice for a partner. If only my own parents could be that open-minded instead of being so darn conservative. Hon, Frank asked, stroking my cheek softly. Are you all right? I can see little worry lines on your forehead. I shook my head, but Frank drew me closer. Come on, Sandy, I can tell somethings wrong. Taking a deep breath, I looked into Franks eyes and said, I was thinking about the baby I lost. Frank, I couldnt take it if anything like that happened again. Brushing the tears from my eyes, Frank said, Oh, hon, dont worry. Thats not going to happen again. Besides, Ill make sure you get all the rest you need. Ill even take over the cooking. Oh, so were gonna eat spaghetti every night? Frank grinned mischievously. Then, reaching for the remote, he switched it to the cooking channel. Maurice,

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New Yorks most popular gourmet chef, was in the middle of preparing an extravagant shrimp pasta dish. Im gonna learn all those fabulous recipes from Mr. Macho Cook himself. I had to smile, watching him mimic Maurices actions in the kitchen.

b b b
After dinner, Frank urged me to call my parents, which made me feel uneasy, but I knew Id have to call them sooner or later. I dialed their number in Delano, and Moms voice came on the line. When I asked about Dad, all she did was complain about how corajudo, or cranky, hed been since hed stopped drinking. When I was finally allowed to reveal my reason for calling, the first words that came out of Moms mouth were, Its about time, Sandra. You arent getting any younger, you know. It took all of my self-control to refrain from telling Mom how tired I was of her constant criticism, that she should count her blessings upon finding out she was going to be an abuelita instead of picking on me about my age. Just then, Mom softened her voice to ask when the baby was due, insisting she would come stay with us for as long as we needed her. When I tried to explain that Frank and I could manage alone, Mom wouldnt hear of it, so I helplessly succumbed to her wishes. It was useless to argue

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with her. Mom was always right. Never wrong. Hanging up the phone, I called Sonia, who had been my best friend since wed first met several years ago at an art lecture here in Laguna. Unlike Mom, Sonia responded with instant joy, offering to meet me the next day for a celebration lunch at Moon Jas, our favorite Chinese restaurant. We spent the rest of the time joking about possible names in Spanish for the baby, such as Cleofas or Pnfilo, and by the time we hung up, I had already forgotten about Moms hurtful comment.

Seven
Frank kept his promise about helping with the cooking in the weeks that followed, pampering me as if I were his spoiled child. When I did manage to get home first, Id hurry and start dinner, but the moment he walked in the door, Frank would chase me out of the kitchen, insisting that I needed to rest. It took all of my patience to put up with his Mr. Mom attitude, but I knew there was nothing more important to both of us than having this baby. Late one afternoon as I was driving home from the office, I impulsively pulled into the Town and Country Mall and parked in front of the Stork Club. Over the years, Id envied the pregnant women who shopped at the trendy maternity boutique, wishing I could become a member of their elite club. Now that day had finally arrived. Opening the door to the Stork Club, I was instantly greeted by the sales clerk who was standing next to the cash register. She came over to meet me and asked if I needed some assistance. Slightly embarrassed because I knew I didnt look very pregnant, I replied, Im looking for some professional maternity clothes. Pointing to the clothes rack on the right side of the
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room, she explained, With your petite figure, youd look great in the new pants suits that just came in last week. I followed her to the clothes rack, where she proceeded to show off a variety of stylish-looking outfits. The tops are very attractive, I told her, admiring the different combinations of soothing pastel colors. But Im not sure about the pants. Ive never much liked elastic waistbands. Amused by my comment, the young-looking sales clerk explained, I remember feeling that way when I was pregnant with my daughter. But believe me, in a few months, youll appreciate the way theyre made. Thinking to myself that she was probably right, I spent the next few minutes carefully examining each outfit until I picked out my three favorite colors. Then I let the sales clerk take me to the dressing room, where I eagerly tried the first one on. I frowned at the loose-fitting smock, which hung like a tent on my thin figure. It wont be for long, I mumbled to myself, trying on the next two outfits. An hour later, I triumphantly marched out of the Stork Club with three new purchases in hand, feeling like the emperor and his new clothes. Frank was in the kitchen slicing onions for his famous Frank dogs when I got home. The minute I told him about my impulsive shopping spree, he insisted I model my new clothes for him. I hurried into the bedroom to change. When I paraded past him in my new lavender outfit, Frank howled like a coyote, exclaiming, Hon, you look beautiful!

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Pausing in my tracks, my voice took on a serious tone. But Frank, will you still think Im beautiful when Im as big as an elephant? Oh, hon, Frank grinned, his aqua blue eyes filled with tenderness, Ill love you even more. I reached up and gave him a brief kiss on the lips. Mmm, I love those onion kisses! Well, you better get used to them, baby! Frank teased as I turned and left the room. The next evening, however, Frank and I would see our hopes and dreams vanish in the air like a desert windstorm. I was in the bedroom changing out of my work clothes when I felt a sudden cramping in my abdomen. Startled, I tried to reach for my shoes, but a series of sharp pains caused me to gasp for air. I let myself slide on to the edge of the bed. Trembling with fear, I yelled out Franks name, but by the time he reached me, I was already huddled on the bed in pain. Frank, I whispered. The baby . . . I think Im bleeding. Were going to the hospital, Frank ordered, his face a pale mask as he scooped me up in his arms and carried me out to the car. While Frank sped through the familiar city streets of Laguna, he whispered reassuring words to me, but I only pretended to listen. I held onto my abdomen, praying silently for my cramps to disappear, hoping it wouldnt happen like before, when I had lost my first child.

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By the time we reached the hospital emergency room, I was shaking with fear, but I insisted on walking. Frank let me hang on to his waist as we went inside the waiting area. As soon as the receptionist saw us, she called for a wheelchair. I waited nervously, listening to Frank answer all of her questions about our health insurance. After what seemed like hours, an emergency-room nurse appeared and whisked me away to an examining room. Helping me into a hospital gown, she covered me with a blanket and took my temperature. When the kind but tired-looking nurse was finished, Frank asked impatiently, Has Dr. Jenkins been notified? Yes. Dr. Jenkins is on call this evening. It wont be long, she replied before she turned and left the room. Franks presence was comforting as he held my hand and we waited for Dr. Jenkins. When she arrived several minutes later, Dr. Jenkins squeezed my shoulder reassuringly and said, Sandra, Ill need to ask Frank to step out while I examine you. I nodded quietly, watching Frank leave as the nurse reappeared to assist Dr. Jenkins. When the examination was over, Dr. Jenkins moved back to my side. The solemn look on her face warned me that something was terribly wrong. Its the baby, isnt it? I whispered, my eyes blurring. Sandra, Im very sorry, but youve miscarried. Ill need to give you a D.N.C. In shock, I felt a strong wrenching in my heart as Dr.

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Jenkins continued, You might feel some discomfort from the procedure, so the nurse is going to administer an anesthetic for the pain. Ill let Frank know. Then Dr. Jenkins disappeared behind the curtain and the nurse came back with an IV. She warned me that I would feel a small prick from the needle she needed to insert into my arm. Unable to speak, I closed my eyes, no longer caring about anything that happened. Soon, I drifted off to a desolate space where the only thing I could see were blackbirds. Multitudes of blackbirds, all staring sadly at me through the cracked windowpane. Later that night, when I opened my eyes again, I found myself in an unfamiliar hospital room with Frank seated at my bedside. He rose to his feet, he caressed my cheek, and in a hoarse voice said, Im sorry, hon. I couldnt bear the hurt in Franks eyes, so I looked away from him, as he struggled with his words. Hon, Dr. Jenkins said I can take you home tomorrow. She said everythings gonna be all right, that we can try for another baby in six months. I felt the anger rising in my throat, and I wanted to strike out at Frank. How dare he think that another baby would replace the one I had just lost? But I felt weak and defeated, so I closed my eyes, muttering, Go away, Frankleave me alone. After that, I pretended to sleep, ignoring Franks presence while the nurses wandered in and out of my room all night long.

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The next morning, Frank checked me out of the hospital, and I tried to act normal, but it took all my strength to pretend that I was fine. Driving home, I barely spoke and, the minute I walked into the house, I went straight to the bedroom. I shut the door behind me so that Frank would take the hint. Alone with my grief, I swallowed two of the pain pills Dr. Jenkins had given me, then I cried myself to sleep, blaming God for my terrible loss. Hours later, I woke up at the sound of Frank coming into the room. Hon, I brought you some soup, he stated cheerfully, setting the TV tray next to the bed. Im not hungry, I remarked bitterly while Frank tried convincing me I should eat. The more he insisted, the angrier I became until Frank finally gave up. He silently left the room without taking the TV tray, in case I changed my mind. Once he was gone, I went into the bathroom and swallowed a few more pain pills in a desperate attempt to numb my feelings and my heart. It was almost dark when the sudden ringing of the telephone awakened me. A few moments later, Frank cracked the door open and said, Hon, its your mom. She wants to talk to you. Tell her Im asleep, I demanded, wishing that the last twenty-four hours had never happened, that it was all a bad dream. But, hon, shes worried sick. She wants to come see you. Alarmed, I turned around to look at Frank. Please

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make Mom understand, I begged. Make her stay away. Tell her I dont want to see anyone. Now Franks eyes were filled with an understanding. Dont worry, hon. Ill keep Mom away, even if I have to threaten her with my Elvis impersonation. I half-smiled as Frank shut the door, retreating back into the darkness. Frank went back to work the next day, but I called Debbie to let her know I would be taking an extended leave. Debbie was very understanding, promising to notify all of my clients about my decision. Sonia tried calling several times during the week, but I let the answering machine pick it up. My mother was the only one who was able to get through to meshe made such a nuisance of herself, calling and calling until I was forced into picking up the receiver. Besides that, I remained isolated from the world, glued to the television set for hours, watching mindless game shows. As weeks passed, Frank tried desperately to get me out of the house, but I wouldnt budge. All I wanted to do was sit there and feel sorry for myself.

Eight
Celia
It was hard telling Juanita the truth about what I did with Nicky at the beach, but at least now I wont have to keep this awful secret locked inside. At first, Juanita scolded me for being stupid enough to trust a guy like Nicky. But then, I guess, she felt sorry for me and promised she would help. Isnt that what big sisters are for? she repeated twice, making me feel hopeful. When she asked if Cassie knew, I shook my head, explaining I was too embarrassed to tell her. Juanita understood. She said she would come up with a plan before anybody found out. On Friday, Cassie comes by the apartment, and the first thing she wants to talk about is last nights eposide of Teen Angels. Isnt it disgusting how Camille is slobbering all over Fabian? Shes so stupidand hes over there slutting it up with that college girl! When I dont respond, Cassie says, Whats with you? Youre not thinking about that dumb jerk, are you?
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Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, I think Im pregnant. Cassies eyes widen like two UFOs. Cel . . . youre kidding, right? Tears moistening my eyes, I shake my head slowly. Now Cassies cheeks are a hot pink. That dog. I wish Id never given you his messages. What are you gonna do now? Juanita said shed help me figure something out. It better be fast, cause if your Ap finds out, hell kill you! Yeah, I know. Just then, Lupita abruptly opens the door to announce that dinner is ready. As she greets Cassie, I order her out of my room, so Lupita sticks her stupid little tongue out at me and slams the door shut. Im sick of telling her to knock first, I state angrily. Cassie nods, confessing that Jordan does the same thing. Then, a pensive look appears on her face. Cel, is there anything I can do to help? Still fighting back the tears, I answer, Just be my friend. Cassie pats me on the shoulder. No sweat. Im here for you, no matter what. Thanking her, I reach under my pillow for the letter I wrote last night. Do you think you can mail this to Nicky? I dont have his address, and besides, I cant mail it from here.

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Are you sure you want to write to that jerk? Cassie asks as I hand her the letter. Yeah, its something I have to do. Cassie shrugs her shoulders, placing the letter in her jeans pocket. Our eyes meet again, and she says, Have you thought about school? You know we start in another week. Yeah, I know. Juanita said I should go to my classes and act like everything is normal. Cassie is quiet for a moment, then she rises from the bed. Guess I better go before my stepdad starts looking for me. That night, I dont go downstairs for dinner. Instead, I stay in the room listening to music while I think about returning to Roosevelt. Terrible thoughts cross my mind. What if I have to throw up and someone figures it out? Or what if Nicky told one of his loser friends and it gets around Roosevelt? When Juanita gets home, I confess to her that Im stressing over going back to school, but Juanita insists no one will find out Im pregnant. Then she promises to get Mayas advice as soon as Maya comes back from visiting her dad in the Bay Area. Are you sure Maya can be trusted? I ask. Dont worry, Celia, Maya wont tell anyone. We need her help. You know how smart Maya is. Shell help us figure something out. My first week of classes at Roosevelt begins, but Im more worried than excited about being a sophomore. And although most of my classes turn out to be cool, I worry

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constantly that someone will find out Im pregnant. During lunchtime, Cassie and I kick it with Minerva and Zakiya, who is Tyrones younger sister. This month, Minerva is into the retro 80s thing. Her hair is dyed lavender, and shes wearing tights with leg warmers under a short ruffled skirt. Minerva looks stupid, if you ask me, but at least shes not pregnant. No one notices that I eat only half of my sandwich because theyre too busy talking about the cute guys in their classes. Im glad my stomach isnt queasy like it is in the mornings, so at least I wont have to worry about vomiting at school. If I did, Im sure everyone would figure out my secret. All of a sudden, Zakiya pokes me in the side, saying, Youre awfully quiet. Then Minerva turns to look at me. Hey, Cel, what ever happened to that cute guy you were with at City Park? When I hesitate, Cassie conveniently replies, You mean my cousin Nicky, dont you? He turned out be a loser like Miguel. Then they all laugh, so I join in, hoping they dont ask any more questions about Nicky. After school, Juanita offers me a ride home with her and Maya, but I insist Id rather walk home with Cassie and Zakiya. I know Juanita is trying to be helpful, but I cant stand being around her boyfriend, Rudy, as well as Mayas boyfriend, Tyrone. They act like macho guys, and all they do is remind me of Nicky, so Id rather not be around them. On Thursday when I get home from school, I can tell

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that something is wrong with Am. Her eyes are splotchy red, and she looks as if shes been crying. And when its time for dinner, Am avoids sitting at the table with us. Instead, she goes outside to sweep the patio, and she doesnt return until after weve washed the dishes. But even then, Am barely says a word to anyone. Back upstairs in the bedroom, it suddenly dawns on me what might be wrong with Am. You didnt tell Am Im pregnant, did you? I ask Juanita. Jerking her head up from her homework, Juanitas face is taut with anxiety, and I instantly have the answer to my question. What did you do that for? I gasp, waving an angry fist at her. It was Mayas idea. She said Ams always sticking up for us, that shed help us like she always does. What a stupid thing to do! I shout back as an even more frightening thought races through my mind. You didnt tell her it was Nickys, did you? Juanita shakes her head. I didnt get a chance. All she did was cry. See what you did? I reply accusingly, wishing Juanita had never been born, that she wasnt my sister. Now you made it all worse! Im never gonna trust you again! Juanita pleads with me to forgive her, but Im too angry to listen, so she finally gives up and goes back to her homework while I try to concentrate on my geography assignment. But I cant. All I think about is Am and her red eyes.

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When Juanita invites me downstairs to watch Teen Angels with her, I emphatically tell her no. Juanita repeats sadly, Cel, I was only trying to help. After that, I dont step out of my room for fear that Ill run into Am. And when Juanita returns, she tries to tell me what happened to Camille, but I tell her to shut up, so she doesnt talk to me again for the rest of the evening. Im dreaming that Cassie and I are on a sailboat and its slowly starting to sink, when the bedroom light suddenly comes on and Im awakened by a loud, threatening voice. Levntate, desgraciada! Ap shouts angrily as I sit up, rubbing my eyes to make sure its not a bad dream. Ap is standing at the foot of my bed, waving a clamped fist in the air. Cursing me in Spanish, he orders me to give him the name of the cabrn that disgraced our family. In shock, I watch as Juanita climbs out of bed and tries to reason with Ap, who chases her away, saying, T, cllate! Moving closer to my bed, Ap repeats his demand. When I refuse to answer, Ap reaches over and gives me a hard slap on the face. Stunned by the unexpected blow, I raise my hand to my injured cheek as Ap orders me to get out at once. No quiero tener a una puta en la casa, he shouts, his face streaked with rage as Am enters the room. Grabbing his arm, Am pleads for him to let me stay: No, viejo, por el favor de Dios, ya djala. But Ap ignores her, demanding I leave the house

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tonight. Then Ap storms out of the room with Am close behind, pleading with him to change his mind. As Juanita hurries to shut the door, I catch a glimpse of Lupita peering at me from the dimly lit hallway. As I start to get dressed, Juanita asks, Cel, what do you think youre doing? What does it look like? I answer, reaching for my backpack. Where do you think youre gonna go this late at night? Dont know, I mumble, stuffing some clothes into my backpack. But you heard Ap. I cant stay here anymore. Bowing her head, Juanita says, Im sorry, Cel. I never thought Am would tell Ap. Dont worryits not your fault. Am probably thought she could get him to understand, but you know how Ap is. Celia nods, looking up at me again. Cel, why dont you wait until morning? Maybe Ap will cool off. I shake my head fiercely. Dont be a tonta, Juanita. You know that what Ap says goes in this house. Just then, Am comes back into the room. Lo siento, hija, she says, wiping her eyes with a handkerchief. Then she moves to my side and places her arms around me. I lay my head gently on Ams shoulder like I used to do when I was a little girl. After a very long minute, we release each other, and Am instructs Juanita to call Carlos at work. Tell him what happened, she explains in Spanish.

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Tell him to come right now so that he can take Celia to his apartment. Now Im relieved that I wont have to go out into the dark night all alone. When I thank Am, she hugs me again, reassuring me itll only be for a few days, that shes certain once Ap gets over his coraje, that hell allow me to come home. I want to disagree with her, but I dont. Instead, I thank Am again as Juanita comes back into the room to say that Carlos is on his way. Qu bueno, Am sighs. Then she leaves for the kitchen to make me some tacos for the morning. Turning to Juanita, I ask, What did Carlos say? I wont lie to youhe was mad as hell. He wanted to know who the guy was, but I told him I didnt know. At least you kept your big mouth shut this time! Dont you think I learned my lesson? The last thing we need is for Carlos or Ap to show up at Cassies house. Were interrupted by a light tap on the door. Lupita opens the door and comes in. Why arent you asleep? Juanita scolds her. I wanted to give this to Celia, Lupita whispers, handing me the silver medal of the Virgin of Guadalupe that Am bought her when she made her First Communion. I cant take this, I hesitate, knowing how much it means to her. But I want you to have it. Shell protect you wherever you are, she pleads. She turns around and leaves the room before I can thank her.

Nine
On the drive to his apartment, Carlos tries to force Nickys name out of me, but I wont answer. He finally gives up and doesnt say another word until we pull up to his apartment building. Theres a bunch of college students living here, he says with a shrug. All they do is party. This is the first time Ive ever been to Carloss apartment. When he first moved out, he was renting a house with some other guys, but now he has his own place. Lucky him, I think, wishing I had my own place. Then I wouldnt have to worry about being kicked out. I follow Carlos up the brightly lit pathway to apartment number eight, which is on the first floor. After unlocking the front door, Carlos turns on the lights and says, Its small, but its my own. Then he leads me through the narrow hallway, pausing to show me a tiny little bathroom and explaining that it contains only a shower. Next, we go into a cozy little kitchen with modern appliances. Sorry, its messy, he admits, and I notice the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, thinking how Am wouldnt like that at all.
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Carlos turns on another light as we walk into an unfriendly living room. The room is almost bare, except for a plain Formica coffee table and a small portable television sitting on a blue plastic crate. You can sleep hereit opens up, Carlos says, moving toward an ugly green sofa pressed against a wall. But if you want, I can let you sleep in my bed, he says, pointing to his bedroom, which is next to the hallway. No way, I answer. Youre the one working nights. After opening the sofa-bed, Carlos asks, Celia, do you want to talk about what happened? No, I answer point-blank. A slight frown appears on Carloss handsome brown face, he shakes his head, and points to the clock on the VCR, and reminds me to get up on time for school. He goes into his bedroom to turn in for the night. Once all the lights are out, I cry softly in bed, wondering what will happen next. Soon my nose gets plugged up, and I cant breathe. I decide to ask the Virgin of Guadalupe for help. Touching Lupitas medal, I pray to the Virgin until my eyes get heavy and I fall asleep. The next morning, Im awakened by the sound of running water coming through the adjoining wall. With a quick glance at the VCR, I realize its almost seven oclock, so I grab some clothes from my backpack and go into the bathroom to shower. As I leisurely rinse the soapy shampoo through my long hair, it dawns on me that theres no one pounding on the door wanting to use the toilet. It seems

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like a miracle, but for once I can take my sweet time without the fear of being interrupted. After Ive dressed and put on my makeup, I go into the kitchen and search through half-empty cupboards until I find a box of cereal. I sit down to eat on the cardboard kitchen table. I only manage to eat a half bowl of Cheerios before my stomach acts up so I go back into the living room to fold the blankets and make up the sofa-bed. Im about to leave when I hear Carlos call out my name. Moving toward his bedroom door, I crack it open slightly so that I can hear what hes saying. Celia, Carlos says, Ill leave a key under the doormat and call you from work. Im almost tempted to tell Carlos I dont need someone checking up on me, but I simply thank him and close the door softly. After all, who knows where Id be at this very moment if it werent for Carlos? Probably at City Park with all the homeless people and winos. Outside, a cool breeze helps settle my queasy stomach and nervousness. Since Carlos only lives a few blocks from Roosevelt High, it doesnt take me long to get there. As I cross the busy street onto campus, I tug anxiously at my sweatshirt, pausing to repeat a silent prayer to the Virgin before I continue toward the main building. Cassie and Zakiya are waiting for me at my locker. Cel, I heard what happened last night. Are you all right? Cassie asks, sounding worried. Yeah, Im fine, I reply, doing my best to avoid her

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probing eyes as I open the door to my locker. We saw Lupita at the bus stop. She said you got into a big fight with your dad and you went to stay with Carlos. Did your Dad find out youre dating Nicky on the sneaks? Zakiya interjects. Yeah, sort of, I answer, wishing Zakiya would mind her own business. Why is it everyone in our apartment building has to be so darn nosey? When we get to the end of the hallway, Zakiya hurries away to her math class, leaving me alone with Cassie, who turns to me and says, Now you can tell me what really happened last night. In a hushed voice, I whisper, Ap found out, so he kicked me out of the house. Cassie gasps as I go on to give her the details. When I finish, she pats me on the arm and says, Im real sorry, Cel. But remember, Im here for you. Just then, the tardy bell starts to ring, so we hurry off toward the science building before were late and Mr. Monroe scolds us again. By third period, Im still feeling anxious about being kicked out of the house, but when I get together with my friends at lunchtime, I begin to relax. Minerva makes me laugh with her nasty joke about Mrs. Plumb having Internet sex. Then Zakiya joins in with another joke about our favorite librarian, whom everyone calls The Amazon Queen. Cassie and I laugh our heads off until Ive almost forgotten about being kicked out of the house.

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After school, Juanita comes by my locker to offer me a ride home. I know shes trying to help, but I refuse. Instead, I walk back to the apartment with Susie Q, a girl from my math class who lives on the same street as Carlos. Susie Q irritates me because all she does is talk about her stupid boyfriend, and how he calls her every night to confess how much he loves her. I think about Nicky and how he told me the same thing that night on the beach. Who knows, maybe theyre all a bunch of liars, even Susie Qs boyfriend. I dont say anything to her because I dont want to ruin her stupid little fantasy. Silence greets me as I open the door to the apartment, and I instantly miss the sound of Markeys cartoons or Rosario chattering nonstop about her day at school. Its kind of weird, but I even miss Lupitas snotty remarks! Turning on the TV so that I can hear some noise, I imagine how at this exact moment Id be in the kitchen eating one of Ams tacos. She always has food waiting for us when we get home from school. Who would have thought Id miss being in that ugly old apartment? A while later, Im in the kitchen preparing macaroni and cheese when Carlos calls. I can barely hear him because of the loud noises in the background. Sounding rushed, Carlos explains that he can only talk for a minute. Then he asks what Im doing. I tell him Im cooking dinner. Make sure you dont burn the aprtment down! he warns. I call him a pendejo, and he laughs, explaining hell be

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home after midnight because its his turn to close for the night. After I eat, I go back into the living room and watch MTV. Cassie calls, but we only talk for a few minutes since she has to leave on an errand with her mom. That night, I sleep so soundly that I dont even hear Carlos get home from work.

b b b
All weekend, I stay locked up in the apartment like a prisoner in her cell while Carlos is at work. When Juanita calls on Saturday morning, I ask about the three little ones. Markey and Rosario never stop asking for you. Holding back the tears, I tell Juanita that I also miss them. She gives the phone to Am and I end up feeling worse because all Am does is cry, so we barely talk. Juanita comes back on the line, complaining that Ap has forbidden them to visit me, that he wont let Am out of his sight in fear that she might sneak out to see me. Ap is even going to church with us tomorrow. Can you believe it? Yeah, I can, I whisper sadly, wondering why Ap has to be so darn mean. Before we hang up, Rosario insists on saying hello to me. She asks why I cant come home yet, and I make up a story about having to help Carlos.

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But I promise to visit real soon, I tell her, as we say goodbye. Cassie calls early on Sunday to say she wont be able to visit because she has to babysit Jordan. Disappointed, I try to keep busy by cleaning the bathroom and doing my homework. When Carlos gets home, he can tell Im bored and restless, so he invites me for a drive. We cruise around Laguna, but as we drive past the apartment, I feel so sad that I insist on going back to Carloss. As soon as we get there, I go into the bathroom and turn the faucet on so Carlos wont hear me cry. Back at school on Monday, Im coming from third period when I pause at the fountain for a drink of water. All of a sudden, I hear my name mentioned. Looking sideways as I pretend to take another sip of water, I recognize Danny Aguilar, who is standing with a group of guys a few feet away from me. Yeah, Spike told me shes knocked up, Danny announces, eliciting several loud snickers from the other guys around him. Paralyzed, I continue to eavesdrop as the pudgy-faced guy next to Danny jokes, Wish Id gotten some while the oven was hot! Now theyre all laughing as my cheeks burn with embarrassment. Turning away before they can recognize me, I exit the math building and flee from Roosevelt and my friends who are waiting for me to go to lunch. And the minute I get into the apartment, I burst into tears and fling

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myself on the couch. How dare Danny talk about me as if I were some kind of whore? Who does he think he is, anyway? He and Spike are nothing but dogfaced losers. How could Nicky have been so mean? Why did he have to go and tell Danny? By tomorrow the entire school will know Im pregnant. Sobbing louder, I realize that my life is ruined forever. Several hours later, Juanita calls, wondering where I went after school because she was looking for me at my locker. In a quivering voice, I tell her about Danny and his big mouth. Now Juanitas voice is shaking with anger. Im gonna tell Rudy to beat the crap out of him. Do you want me to come by? No, I answer sadly. Im okay. As soon as we hang up, the phone rings and this time its Cassie. I repeat the entire story to her, insisting Im never going back to Roosevelt. Cassie tries to talk me out of it. Cel, dont let those dogfaced punks keep you from going to school. I still refuse to listen to my best friend. That evening, I wait up for Carlos so that I can tell him about my decision not to return to school. Are you crazy? he asks, widening his tired brown eyes. No, Im not. And I dont care how much you threaten me, Im not going back to Roosevelt. Carlos lets out a long sigh. Listen, Celia. You wanna be a drop-out like me, slaving away at a minimum wage job

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just to pay the rent? Ignoring his question, I repeat, I dont care what I do! Carlos leans forward and places his hand on my shoulder. Is there something youre not telling me? Did something happen at school today? Now tears are sliding down my cheeks. Come on, Celia, talk to me, Carlos pleads. I stare into his eyes and realize for the first time how much he really does care for me. Brushing away a tear, I describe the entire ugly incident at school. Carlos swears loudly in Spanish, and he squeezes my shoulder, saying, Celia, Ill let you stay home for a few days until this blows over, but youre gonna have to go back to school. Youre underage and its the law. I dont care! No ones gonna make me go back there. Ill run away if I have to. Dont talk stupid, Celia, Carlos scolds me and then mumbles goodnight as he disappears into his bedroom. The next day, Im cleaning the bathroom when Juanita calls from school. Cassie told me youre not planning on returning to Roosevelt. Yeah, so what? Cel, you have to go to schoolyoure not of legal age to drop out. I dont care. Im never going back. I listen to Juanita breathing on the other end of the line. After a few seconds, she says, Maya and I came up with another plan. Were going to Ms. Martnezs house tonight

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to ask her for some advice. Maybe she can talk to Ap. He respects her a lot. Ap doesnt respect anyone. Ignoring me, Juanita continues, We wouldve talked with Ms. Martnez sooner, but I guess shes been real sick. Anyway, Mayas sure shell help us. What does Maya know? She was the one who screwed everything up before when she insisted you tell Am. Celia, dont be that way. I start to wonder if Ms. Martnez really can help.

Ten
Ms. Martnez
I sat in the living room watching a TV sitcom when the doorbell rang. Go away, I mumbled, reaching for the remote to turn up the volume on the TV. As the intrusive doorbell continued to ring, Frank came rushing out of the kitchen. Before I could warn him that I didnt want to see anyone, he opened the door, and I heard several familiar voices. The next thing I knew, Frank was standing at my side with Juanita, Maya, and an unfamiliar African-American guy. Buenas noches, Ms. Martnez, Juanita said as Frank invited them to take a seat. I gave Frank a cold stare, returning a stiff Hello to Juanita. Ms. Martnez, this is Tyrone, Maya said, introducing me to her tall, handsome boyfriend. I shook hands with Tyrone, and as our eyes met, I felt an instant connection with him. How are you, Ms. Martnez? Juanita asked gently, forcing me away from my impressions of Tyrone. I was about to answer when Maya blurted out, You
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look terrible, Ms. Martnez! Juanita frowned while Tyrone gave Maya a jab in the ribs. Taking the hint, Maya apologized, Sorry, Ms. Martnez. What I meant is that your hairs different. Its longer. But it wasnt only my hair that had changed. Yes, it is longer, I replied absent-mindedly. I havent bothered with it in weeks. It looks cool! Maya stated, turning to Tyrone. Doesnt it, Ty? Slightly embarrassed, Tyrone nodded as Juanita went on to say, Mayas mom told us what happened . . . were really sorry, Ms. Martnez. Thanks, Juanita, Frank replied softly as I looked away toward the window, hoping to hide the grief in my eyes. Juanita began to speak again, so I was forced to turn back to my company. Ms. Martnez, were sorry to show up like this, especially after what youve been through. But its kind of an emergency. You remember my little sister, Celia, dont you? Ap found out shes pregnant, so he kicked her out of the house. Celia went to stay with Carlos, but now she doesnt want to go back to Roosevelt. I felt the knife twist in my heart at the thought of someone else having a baby. Unable to bear the pain a moment longer, I rose to my feet. Im sorry, Juanita, I stated harshly. This time I cant help you. Then I escaped, leaving Frank to apologize to the three shocked teenagers. A while later, Frank found me lying on the bed, but before he had time to question my behavior, I lashed out

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angrily. How can you be so damn insensitive? You know I dont want to see anyone? I didnt think youd mind. All they wanted was your advice. Well, next time, dont think for me! Franks face grew deathly pale. Sandra, what makes you think youre the only one whos hurt? he asked, raising his voice. Dont you think I wanted this baby as much as you? Dont you think Im hurting, too? How can you be this selfish, Sandra? Its about time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and thought of me, too! Then Frank spun around angrily and marched out, slamming the door behind him. That night, for the first time in our marriage, Frank slept on the couch. By the time I awakened the next morning, he had already left for his office. No kiss goodbye. No coffee in bed. Nothing. I knew then just how much I had hurt Frank. Yet, I felt paralyzed, helpless, and all I could do was go through the motions. Drink some coffee. Vacuum the living room. Pretend that everything was all right, even though I knew it wasnt. By noon, I was completely worn out from trying to block Frank out of my mind. I decided to work on the TV Guide crossword puzzle. I turned on the midday news and the words Dumpster baby caught my attention. Jerking my head up at the TV screen, I stared at the picture of a young girl who was being arrested by two police officers outside her apartment in Santa Barbara. The news anchor explained that the sixteen-year-old student had been arrest-

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ed for abandoning her newborn baby in a dumpster behind the apartment building where she lived with her parents and younger brother. According to the news report, the despondent girl had kept the pregnancy a secret from her family, then panicked when she gave birth in secret. The newborn baby had been discovered early in the morning in the dumpster behind the apartment building by the local garbage collectors. In shock, I listened carefully as they flashed a shot of the dumpster where the baby had been found. This was followed by another shot of the young girls picture. I felt the full force of her grief as they went on to interview several of her high school teachers, who emphasized that the young girl had not given any indication that she was in need of help. She was always very quiet and polite, the P.E. teacher concluded. We had no idea she was in trouble. Then the news anchor began to cite the high statistics of Dumpster babies that were found each year throughout the country. I was suddenly struck by thoughts of my own baby and Juanitas plea for help. Feeling my pulse quicken, I realized that I couldnt ignore Juanitas visit any more. I needed to help Celia before she became another statistic, like the sixteen-year-old girl on the midday news who was now facing charges of manslaughter. I hurried into the extra bedroom, which served as an office, and I searched through my address book until I found the number I needed. Then, pausing to take several deep breaths, I sat down at my desk and carefully dialed the

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Chvezs home number. After several long rings, Mrs. Chvez picked up the receiver. As soon as she recognized my voice, Mrs. Chvez asked for Frank, her voice softening as she stated how sorry she was to hear that we had lost our baby. I thanked Mrs. Chvez and she went on to add that my baby was with God now. Just as I was about to reveal my reason for calling, Mrs. Chvez began to talk about Celia and her pregnancy. Carlos kicked her out of the house, she confessed, her voice breaking from the grief in her throat. Yes, I know. Im terribly sorry, Sra. Chvez. Juanita came to see me last night. Im calling because Id like to try and speak with Sr. Chvez about Celia. Maybe I can help. At that, Mrs. Chvez regained her composure, repeating in Spanish, Bendita sea, usted Dra. Martnez. Then she gave me Carloss address. Before we hung up, I promised to speak with Mr. Chvez as soon as possible. Finding Carloss apartment turned out to be easier than what I had expected because he lived near Roosevelt High School. As I parked the car, I thought about Franks accusation last night that I was selfish. Maybe he was right. Maybe I did need to think about helping someone else instead of focusing only on my problems. Celias mouth dropped open when she answered the doorbell and found me standing in the doorway. Hello, Celia, I told her, trying hard not to stare at the oversized shirt she had on, which hung below her waist. Can I come in?

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Celia nodded, and I followed her into the living room and found a spot on the couch across from her. Juanita told me what happened. Celia fidgeted nervously in her chair. She was the exact replica of Juanita with her large oval-shaped eyes and long black hair. Celia, have you seen a doctor yet? Celia shook her head helplessly. I leaned forward to say, Id like to help, if youll let me. No one can help me. Celia lowered her gaze. Why dont you let me be the judge of that, I insisted. Juanita said you refuse to go back to Roosevelt. Celia, its important that you stay in school. Celia shifted weight Celia looked up at me. I cant go back to Roosevelt, Ms. Martnez. Everyones talking about me, how Im a whore and worse things. I cant go back there. There were tears in her eyes now, but I had to continue. Celia, what if I were to find another school for you, where youd feel comfortable? Like where? I have a friend in the area who works with teen moms. If youll give me some time, I can find out. But meanwhile, you need to continue with your studies. Im never going back to Roosevelt. I know that, Celia, but if you give me permission, Ill talk with your counselor so that your assignments can be sent home with Juanita. This way, you can keep up with

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your schoolwork. Now what do you say? Celia was quiet as she considered my offer. After a few minutes, she replied, I guess that would be okay. Mr. Gross, my counselor, hes real nice. Good girl. And I also promised your mother Id talk with your dad about letting you return home. Celia frowned. Dont waste your time, Ms. Martnez. I know how Ap ishell never change his mind. Leave your Ap to me. They dont call me Superwoman for nothing! Now Celia was smiling, glimmers of hope in her eyes. We also need to find you a doctor, I explained gently. Ill look into that also. Celia grew pensive. Ms. Martnez, I know I want to keep my baby. I dont want no abortion or anything like that. I felt a bitter taste in my mouth as I thought of my miscarriage, the girl on the TV news and all the Dumpster babies that never had a chance. Dont worry, Celia, I reassured her, steadying the shaking in my voice. Your baby will be fine. Frank was at my side the moment I walked into the house. Sandy, Im sorry about last night. I tried calling, but you werent home. Im sorry, too, I confessed as Frank kissed me on the lips and led me toward the couch, where we nestled into each others arms. Hon, I saw the note you left. Im so darn happy you got out of the house.

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Frank, Im not sure why Im doing this, but Ive decided to help Celia. I just came back from talking with her. Then I told Frank the entire story, about the Dumpster baby on the news and everything that had transpired after that. Wiping the tears from my face, Frank whispered, Hon, Im very proud of you. I know how hard this must be for you. I lay my head on Franks shoulder, and he stroked my hair gently. We were quiet for a while until I was able to speak again. Im determined not to let Celia end up like the girl on the news, I explained. And tomorrow Im going into my office so that I can contact Celias counselor from there. Then Ill go speak with Mr. Chvez. Maybe you can arrange to have Celias assignments sent home. Thats my plan. But I have to convince Mr. Chvez to let Celia return home. Hon, I know Mr. Chvez will listen to you. Especially after all the help youve given his family. I hope youre right, I sighed, knowing how strict latinos were with their children. Whatdya mean? Frank asked, releasing a wild jungle cry as he pounded on his chest like Tarzan. We macho guys are always right! Now we were both laughing as I exclaimed, Ay, Frank, ests bien loco!

Eleven
Debbie was astonished when she saw me walk through the front door. Dr. Martnezyoure back! she gasped, softening her voice to ask, Are you feeling better? Yes, Debbie, thank you. Have you managed to hang on to some of my clients? Debbie grinned. Of course! And, for your information, they call almost daily wanting to know when youre returning. Many of them declined the referrals you gave them. They insisted on waiting for you. How nice, I sighed, wondering if I was ready to listen to other peoples problems. Are you going to be available for appointments today? Debbie asked. Shaking my head, I explained, Im only here for a few hours, and I need to make some important calls. But you can go ahead and schedule appointments for tomorrow. Terrific! It was getting awfully boring here without you, Debbie said as I turned to go into my office. I paused for a moment to gather strength from the beautiful mountain outside my window before I sat at my desk to open the stack of mail waiting for me. My hands began
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to shake as I opened the first get-well card. It was from one of my colleagues. My eyes blurred as I read the message. I opened a few before, but when the tears started to come easier, I pushed them away. Then, forcing myself to remember the reason why I had come into my office, I reached for the telephone and dialed the number for Roosevelt High School. My call was immediately transferred to the Counseling Department, and moments later, Mr. Gross came on the line. After I introduced myself, I told Mr. Gross about Celias pregnancy and her fathers decision to kick her out of their apartment. Mr. Gross listened carefully, and when I finally paused, he said, Thank you, Dr. Martnez, for contacting me about Celias situation. There had been rumors circulating around the school, and naturally, weve been concerned. I must say that its a relief to know Celia has your support. I thanked Mr. Gross, adding, Yes, but more importantly, we need to get Celia back home and in school again. Would it be possible to send Celias assignments home with her sister, Juanita, so that she wont fall behind in any of her classes? Yes, and Ill personally contact each of Celias teachers this morning. Do you have any idea when she might be returning? No, not at this time. I need to speak with Mr. Chvez first. I see. But if theres anything else I can do to help, Dr.

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Martnez, please let me know. I promised Mr. Gross that Id contact him as soon as I had more information and hung up. Next, I dialed Mrs. Chvez to let her know that Id drop by their apartment at one oclock. Sounding nervous, Mrs. Chvez agreed, and informed me that Mr. Chvez didnt leave for work until three oclock. As I hung up the receiver, there was a light tap, and Debbies face appeared through the open door. Dr. Martnez, I forgot to mention that I have a dental appointment this morning and wont be back until after lunch. Also, you have a 3 p.m. appointment tomorrow with Miguel Salas. Yes, thats fine, I answered as Debbie said goodbye, repeating how glad she was that I had returned. I kept myself busy for the next few hours until my stomach began to growl, so I decided to close up the office and drive to a nearby deli. I sat down with a sandwich and a Pepsi to plan my meeting with Mr. Chvez. I knew that I had to choose my words carefully. After all, Mr. Chvez was the patriarch of the family. Nonetheless, I was determined to convince him to change his mind about Celia, even if it took the last ounce of energy in my body. A short while later, I pulled up in front of the lowincome apartment building where the Chvezes lived. As I got out of the car and walked up to the front door, I noticed I was being watched through the open curtains. The moment I rang the doorbell, the door was flung open by Markey, the youngest of the Chvezs six children.

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Is that you, Markey? I asked with a smile. Youve grown taller. Do you remember me? Markey nodded shyly as Mrs. Chvez appeared. After we embraced, she asked me in Spanish to follow her into the living room. As I sat down on the couch, I remarked to Mrs. Chvez how tall Markey had grown. Hes in kindergarten this year, she proudly confessed in Spanish. Then, turning to Markey, who was plopped down in front of the TV, she ordered him to call Mr. Chvez from the patio. Hes watering his tomatoes and chiles, she explained as Markey bolted out of the room. A few moments later, he reappeared with his father at his side. Mr. Chvezs eyes opened wide when he saw me. Qu sorpresa, Dra. Martnez! he exclaimed, reaching out to shake my hand vigorously. I noticed the wisps of grey in his thick black hair as he took a seat across from me in his comfortable armchair. Cmo est Frank? he asked and ordered Mrs. Chvez to bring some coffee. Bien loco, I replied with a smile. Soon Mrs. Chvez reappeared with a small tray, and Markey immediately jumped up to grab a handful of cookies. As I added cream and sugar to my coffee, Mr. Chvez asked about my parents. I explained we had visited them in Delano for the Fourth of July weekend. Pleased, Mr. Chvez smiled. I congratulated him on his new job as a

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custodian, and his face grew even brighter. Now I wont have to work in the fields anymore. And Ill learn a lot of English on the job. Hoping to capitalize on Mr. Chavezs enthusiasm, I decided to bring up the subject of my visit. Sr. Chvez, I began, selecting my words carefully in Spanish. Yesterday, I visited with Celia. I know all about her pregnancy. Mr. Chvez drew his thick brows in a furrow and said, Qu verguenza. Now we cant even face our compadres all because of her. My heart instantly reached out to him. Theres nothing to be ashamed of, Sr. Chvez. Every family has problems. But Mr. Chvez lowered his eyes in embarrassment, while Mrs. Chvez, who until now had remained silent, revealed her own sadness and confusion. I keep telling him that, Dra. Martnez, but Carlos is stubborn as a burro. At these words, Mr. Chvez gave his wife a reproachful look, and she quickly retreated to the background again. Gathering up all the strength I had inside, I began to talk about the baby Frank and I had recently lost. Mr. Chvez told me how sorry he was for us. I went on with my story and told him about the teenage girl I had seen on the local TV news who had been arrested for abandoning her baby in a dumpster. There was no one for her to turn to for help, not even her parents, I lamented. Sr. Chvez, I know that you and Sra. Chvez wouldnt want anything like that to happen to Celia. I know how much you love all of your children, especially Celia.

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The room grew silent, except for the noisy sounds coming from the cartoons Markey was watching. I waited for Mr. Chvez to speak, and, after a very long minute, he stared up at me. His face was solemn, and there were tears in his eyes. S, Doctora Martnez, we do love all our children. And we dont want anything bad to happen to Celia. But what can we do? We dont have money to pay for a baby. And the worst thing is that no ones going to want Celia after this. Ya est marcada. Nadie va a querer casarse con ella. Viejo, this isnt Mxico, Mrs. Chvez stated gently. People dont think like that anymore. Sra. Chvez is right, I agreed, recognizing his fear. Times have changed tremendously. But with your help, Celia can still have a good future. Im absolutely certain of that. There are many resources to help pregnant teenagers. And with your permission, I can call my friend tomorrow and get all the necessary information. But the most important thing right now, Sr. Chvez, is that you let Celia come home. She needs all your love and support so that she can continue with her schoolwork at home. There was an awkward silence, and then Mr. Chvez released a long deep sigh. Mrs. Chvez gave me a heartwrenching look as we waited for him to speak. Finally, Mr. Chvez said, Est bien, Celia has my permission to come home. But Im only agreeing to this because of you, Doctora Martnez. As I thanked Mr. Chvez for all his confidence and

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trust, Mrs. Chvez went over to embrace him and whisper, Gracias, viejo. No se va a arrepentir. After my triumphant visit with the Chvezes, I felt so good that I thought Id surprise Frank by cooking dinner. I went into the kitchen and began to prepare his favorite Italian meatloaf. I was getting ready to place it in the oven when the telephone rang. I answered, and it was Celia. Hi, Ms. Martnez. I wanted to thank you for talking to Ap. He let me come home today, and the three little ones are so happy, theyre driving Am crazy. I smiled to myself, imagining Markey jumping up and down while Rosario and Lupita cheered him on. Im very happy to know youre back home, Celia. Thats the best news of the day! I wont lie, Ms. Martnez. Im really scared. Ap wasnt here when Carlos brought me home, so I havent seen him yet. Im terrified of what Aps gonna say to me. Dont worry, Celia. I know your father only wants the best for you. Just be patient. Give him some time and hell come around. Has anyone from Roosevelt called you? No, but Juanita brought all my homework. Mr. Gross gave it to her. Thats great, Celia. Mr. Gross was very supportive when I spoke with him. There was a lapse of silence until Celia finally spoke again. Ms. Martnez, Im real sorry about your baby. Swallowing hard, I listened quietly as she continued. But I dont want nothing bad to happen to my baby.

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Dont worry, Celia, I reassured her gently, feeling the tears sliding down my cheeks. Nothing bad is going to happenyour baby will be fine. I hope youre ready for a celebration, I told Frank as he walked into the kitchen and found me setting the table. Mmmm, it smells good! But may I ask what were celebrating besides the fact that youre making my favorite dish? How about the fact that I convinced Sr. Chvez to let Celia return home? Hon, thats wonderful! Frank said, grabbing me by the waist and lifting me high up in the air as I giggled like a teenager. When he noticed the matronly red-and-bluecheckered apron I was wearing, Frank moaned, Oh, hon, you know how it turns me on when you wear that apron. The next thing I knew, I was laughing loudly as Frank began to sing his favorite song off-key as usual: Come on baby, light my fire. Try to set the night on f-i-r-e-e-e.

Twelve
Celia
Im so happy to be home that I hurry out of bed to help get the three little ones off to school. After Ive helped Am pack lunches, I sit at the table to have a bowl of cereal with Juanita. Lupita and Rosario fight over who gets to sit beside me while Markey chatters away about his kindergarten teacher. When Am announces that its time for everyone to leave, Juanita rushes out the door to meet her friend Rina, who lives a few apartments away. Then Markey gives me a quick hug as he races after Rosario and Lupita, who are still arguing. Turning to Am, I ask her if she wants me to vacuum and dust the living room, but she shakes her head, explaining that we cant make any noise until Ap wakes up. How will Ap react when he sees me? I go back upstairs to my room, fix the beds, and straighten out the mess Juanita has left on the floor. Next, I take out my assignment sheet and work on math problems until I get stuck. Frustrated, I open my social studies book and start to read the assigned chapter on Brazil. Ive always loved to read about
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people from all over the world, how they live, the languages they speak. How I wish I had wings so I could fly out the window and visit the beaches of Rio de Janeiro or the African barrios of Baha. Then I wouldnt be stuck here in Laguna, California, thinking about Nicky. Im almost finished with the questions at the end of the chapter, when Am opens the door to tell me Im wanted on the telephone. As I follow her downstairs, she explains its someone speaking in English, and she thinks its a teacher. I get panicky at the sight of Ap sitting in his recliner watching the news in Spanish. Reaching for the receiver I mumble, Buenos das, but Ap keeps right on staring at the television set as if I am invisible. Im instantly greeted by a friendly voice, Hello, Celia. Its Mr. Gross. How are you? Fine, thank you. Good, good. Dr. Martnez contacted me yesterday, and so I wanted to make sure you received your assignments from Juanita. Yeah, I did, thank you, Mr. Gross. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that Ap is listening to every word I say. Good, Celia . . . I want to make sure you dont fall behind in any of your classes. I thank him again, and before we hang up, Mr Gross reassures me hell continue to send my assignments with Juanita until Im back in school. As I hurry out of Aps view, Am calls me into the kitchen and asks me to peel potatoes while she makes tor-

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tillas. When she asks if Ap spoke to me, I shake my head sadly. Give him time, hija. Todava est enojado, she says. As I hurry, the potatoes are done, I go back to my bedroom and I wait for Ap to leave for work. Just as I am about to go downstairs, Markey bursts through the door, waving a book in the air. Its about airplanes, he says, thrusting the book in my face. Mrs. McCarthy let me check it out. Will you read it to me? Sure, gordo, I answer, knowing how fascinated Markey is by airplanes. Hes always saying he wants to be a fighter pilot like one of his G.I. Joes. Youre the best sister in the world! Markey yells out, plopping down on the bed next to me. Were on the last page when theres a knock on the door and Cassie comes into the room. Markey says hello to her, then hops off the bed, disappearing into the hallway. Cassie closes the door, pulls out a letter from her purse, and hands it to me. Its from Nicky. It came in todays mail. Tearing open the envelope, I think to myself, maybe Nicky really does love me, but my hopes vanish as I begin to read: Celia, I dont know who in the hell youre trying to fool, but I know that baby isnt mine. And if you try to lie and say its mine, it wont get you anywhere cause Ill tell everyone that youre nothing but a whore. Nicky. Crumpling up the letter, I toss it on the floor.

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What did he say? I blink back the tears and shout, Nickys nothing but a dirty liar! Cassie picks up the letter, reads it, and states, How I wish that dogface wasnt related to me. She places her hand on my shoulder, and says, What are you gonna do now? Before I can answer her, the door opens, and Juanita walks inside with Maya and Ankiza. One glance at my tearstreaked face and Juanita blurts out, Did Ap tell you off again? I shake my head as Cassie hands her the crumpled letter. When shes finished reading it, Juanita passes it to Maya, who reads it out loud, then repeats a few cuss words while Ankiza exclaims, That dirty sludge! Now, Juanita has her arm around my shoulder. Dont worry, Celia. You dont need that pendejo. For nothing. Maya and Ankiza nod in agreement as Cassie interrupts, Sorry, Cel, but I gotta go . . . Ill try to come by on Thursday for Teen Angels. Still fighting back the tears, I smile feebly as Cassie opens the door to leave. Id forget about that loser if I were you, Celia, Maya warns me, sitting down next to Ankiza on Juanitas bed. Celia, I know you dont want an abortion, but have you thought about it? Thats a stupid idea! I scream back. I could never give up my baby! Sorry, Maya apologizes. I was only trying to help.

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Yeah, well, I shouldnt have been so stupid. Now Ankiza is quick to console me. Girl, its not all your fault. Its the guys fault, too. All they want from a girl is sex. I cant tell you how many guys have tried to get me to go all the way. Even Hunter, as Ivy League as everyone thinks he is, has tried to pressure me into having sex. Really? I ask, finding it unbelievable that someone like Mr. Goody Two Shoes Hunter would act that way. Now Maya is on her feet. Thats exactly how it is with guys, and once they get what they want, they dump you. But Im not gonna let that happen to me. Tyrone knows exactly where I stand on sex. He knows I wont put up with any of that crap. Juanita, who has remained pensive while her two best friends share their views on sex, finally offers her own opinion on the topic. Yeah, I know what you mean. Rudys been pressuring me about sex lately. He keeps telling me how all his friends are getting it, but I just tell him to shut up, that Im gonna stay a virgin until the day I get married. Cool, Maya says, but as for me, I know that if and when I do decide to have sex, Im gonna get birth control. My moms always been cool about that. Mine, too, Ankiza agrees. Juanita sighs. Youre both lucky to have parents you can talk to. Me, I still have to sneak around to see Rudy. Yeah, we know, Ankiza says just as the door is flung open by Lupita, who announces that Ms. Martnez wants

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me on the telephone. Downstairs, I pick up the receiver, and Ms. Martnez says, Celia, I have some very good news for you. My friend, Sarahthe social workertold me about a program called TAPP that provides education for teen moms. Its located here at the Laguna Continuation School. Oh, yeah? I reply, thinking back to all the comments Ive heard at Roosevelt about the Continuation High School, how only losers go there. I went ahead and called the TAPP Program and I spoke with Mrs. Luna, one of their social workers. We have an appointment with her tomorrow at one oclock. Mrs. Luna also said that since youre on Medi-Cal, your mom can make an appointment with an obstetrician right away. I already spoke with your mom. There is a tightening in my chest as I think about having to see a doctor for the first time. If only I hadnt gotten pregnant, then none of this would be happening. Dont worry, Celia, Ms. Martnez reassures me, everything will work out. And Ill be right there with you tomorrow when we meet with Mrs. Luna. Youll like her she sounded very nice. Okay, I whisper, wondering if Ms. Martnez is right. Anyway, things cant get any worse, thats for sure. Hanging up, I go back to my room, where I find Juanita alone on her bed reading a book. What happened to Maya and Ankiza? I ask her, turning down the radio. They were headed to the mall, Juanita sighs, turning

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to look at me. They wanted me to go with them, but I have a book report to write. What did Ms. Martnez want? I cant help but frown. Shes taking me to visit this program for girls who get in trouble, like me. Its at the Continuation School, you know, where all the druggies and drop-outs go. Juanita scolds me then. Dont say that, Cel. Rudy has a friend who goes there. He says its not such a bad place. Guess I fit in with the loser crowd now. Juanita sits up, shaking her pencil in the air. Dont be a tonta, Celia. Just cause youre pregnant doesnt mean youre a loser. If anyones a loser, its that Nicky guy. I turn away, wishing I were Juanita, and all I had to do was worry about going to the mall with my friends or sneaking out with my dumb boyfriend.

Thirteen
The next morning, Im coming down the stairway, when I hear loud voices in the kitchen. Am is explaining to Ap that he wont have to pay for anything for the baby, that Medi-Cal will cover all the costs. But Ap wont listen. He swears out loud, telling Am that the one who should pay for everything is the cabrn who did this to me. Before I can go back upstairs, Ap sees me and comes over and orders me to tell him the name of the cabrn who got me pregnant. When I refuse, Ap shouts, Hija malagradecida. Then he storms out of the apartment, hollering at Am that hes going to his compadres where people still respect him. Am apologizes as I run back to my room, where I throw myself on the bed and cry fiercely until my head is aching. Why cant Ap leave me alone? I repeat to myself: Ill never give him Nickys name. Never. I stay in my room until Ms. Martnez comes to pick me up. Then, the minute were alone in the car, she gently pries, Are you all right, Celia? Your mother told me what happened. Still feeling angry, I reply, I dont care what Ap says!
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He can kick me out again if he wants, but Im not gonna tell him who the babys dad is. Ms. Martnez doesnt say a word. She focuses her attention on the road while I gaze out the window at the expensive homes that line the streets of Laguna. If only I were rich like the people who live in those big fancy Victorian homes, then maybe I wouldnt need anyones help. Not even Aps. Ms. Martnez suddenly interrupts my wistful thoughts. Celia, its never good to keep secrets. All it does is hurt you inside. Dont you think its best to tell the truth about the babys dad? No! I cant and I wont! I defend myself as Ms. Martnez releases a frustrated sigh. After a few moments of silence, Ms. Martnez changes the subject, and she begins to talk enthusiastically about the TAPP Program, describing it as the perfect place for teen moms. Barely listening, I stare at the passing cars, wondering how I ever got into this mess. Why did I ever believe some loser from Chicago loved me? When we finally turn into the parking lot at the Continuation High School, I scrutinize the old red-brick building, which was once a junior high. It looks like a dump, I comment sarcastically. Its not so bad, Ms. Martnez says, parking next to the front entrance. It reminds me of my old high school back in Delano. Then she reaches over to squeeze my shoulder. Dont worry, Celia. Itll be fine.

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Who says Im worried? Inside the reception area, an older grey-haired Latina asks us to sign the guest book, then she points us in the direction of Mrs. Lunas office. As we go through the main hallway, we pass a large room with glass windows, where I can see students working on computers. We keep going until we arrive at a cluster of offices, one of which has Mrs. Lunas name on the door. Ms. Martnez is about to knock when the door is flung open by a tall Anglo girl carrying a toddler in her arms. She quickly mumbles an apology, and heads toward the main office as a petite round-faced woman with dark hair walks up to meet us at the door. Please, come in, Mrs. Luna says, motioning toward the chairs in front of her desk. Then, shaking hands with Ms. Martnez, she turns to me and says, You must be Celia. I nod, reaching out to shake her chubby hand. That was Laura you saw racing out of here with her two-yearold son, Mrs. Luna explains, taking a seat behind her desk, which looks messier than my backpack. Laura was one of our TAPP students. She graduated last year, and now shes taking classes at a junior college. How nice, Ms. Martnez says, casting a glance my way. Celia, Ms. Martnez told me youre a sophomore at Roosevelt this year. I nod shyly as Mrs. Luna continues, How do you like Roosevelt?

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Its okay. When I dont bother to offer any more information about school or any of my teachers, Mrs. Luna asks if Ive been seen by a doctor. When I shake my head, Ms. Martnez explains that my mother will be taking me for my first doctors appointment this week. Satisfied, Mrs. Luna turns back to me. Celia, does it make you nervous to think about going to the doctor for the first time? Yeah, sort of, I reply, looking down at my sandals, then raising my head to add, A lot, if you want to know the truth. Mrs. Luna gives me a warm smile, and I instantly realize that she reminds me of Am, that theres something in her eyes that makes me think she can be trusted. One nice thing about belonging to the TAPP Program is that Im here to help you sort out your feelings. Im in this office five days a week, and the girls know they can drop in at any time to talk about anything thats bothering them. I make it a point to meet with each of the TAPP girls at least once a week to go over their individual needs. We also have weekly support groups or rap sessions, where the girls get together to air out their frustrations. All of a sudden, were interrupted by a dark-skinned Latina who bursts through the door and says, Mrs. Luna, I really need to talk to you about my boyfriend. Her cheeks turn red when she realizes that Mrs. Luna is not alone. Tina, Im busy right this moment, Mrs. Luna

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explains. Can you come back in about an hour? Tina nods, promising to return later. As the door closes behind her, Mrs. Luna comes around from her cluttered desk and says, See what I mean, Celia? Now, why dont I take you and Dr. Martnez for a tour of the nursery and the TAPP classroom? As we follow Mrs. Luna out the door, I blurt out, I heard this school was for losers! Ms. Martnez frowns at me, but Mrs. Luna grins and says, I dont know what anyone has told you about the Continuation School, but most of the students who come here are successful. Many of our students not only get their high school diplomas, but they go on to college, like Laura, whom you saw earlier. But, Celia, youll have to make your own assessment of our school. We take the first hallway to the right, passing the regular continuation classrooms until we come to the end of the hallway and enter a bright, colorful room. It is filled with all sorts of baby equipment, from playpens to portable swings of various sizes. There are toys scattered everywhere, but no children in sight. This used to be the library, Mrs. Luna explains. And normally this room would be filled with baby noises, but the girls have already left for the day, so its deserted. Its a wonderful nursery, Ms. Martnez says. Do all the girls bring their babies here? No, not all of them. We do have a waiting list, so some of the girls have to find outside child care. But we do our

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best to accommodate as many children as we can. I can feel drops of perspiration under my blouse as we walk around the room. I dont know the first thing about caring for a baby. I dont even know how to hold one. How many girls are currently enrolled in the program? Mrs. Martnez asks. Let me see. Right now we have eight girls taking classes. Then, sensing my uneasiness, Mrs. Luna asks me what I think of the nursery and I mumble that its nice. Smiling, she adds, We also offer child development classes, where the girls learn how to care for a baby and how to be an effective parent. Isnt that nice, Celia? Ms. Martnez says, and I nod, thinking maybe I can take one of those classes to learn how to care for my own baby. Now, lets go see the TAPP classroom, Mrs. Luna orders. The girls are already gone for the day, but the teacher, Rachel Pampano, might still be there. Rachels absolutely amazingall the girls love her. We go back in the same direction, then exit out of the main building until we come to a modular classroom located directly behind the school. This is it, Mrs. Luna announces, opening the door to go inside. Darn, looks like Rachels gone, but this is where the TAPP classes are held. Do the girls attend classes every day? Ms. Martnez asks as I glance at the walls, which are decorated with colorful baby pictures and handwritten poetry. Yes, the TAPP program meets from eight to eleven,

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Monday through Friday meetings, but we try to remain flexible with those girls who work full-time or who cant come every day for various reasons. Still pensive, I admire the brand-new Apple computer to the left of the teachers desk as well as the large windows, which make the room seem even brighter. Does the teacher follow the high school curriculum? Ms. Martnez asks. Oh, yes. Rachels a licensed teacher and she knows exactly how many credits each girl needs in each area in order to graduate. This is an academic program with a special focus on positive parenting skills and on teaching child development. Basically, were trying to provide the girls with the academic skills they need in order to help them succeed at their schoolwork. Can the girls stay in this program until they graduate? Mrs. Luna shakes her head at the question. Since its a new program, its designed to be transitional for girls under the age of sixteen who cant get into the Continuation High School. Right now, were maxed out, and we always have girls waiting to get in. In general, the girls decide to stay on at the Continuation High School program rather than going back to the regular high school. Besides, here they have the nursery and special programs designed to meet their needs. Celia, do you think you might like to come here? Yeah, maybe, Im forced to answer as our eyes meet. Mrs. Luna smiles. One thing youll like about our program, Celia, is that the atmosphere is very positive. The

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girls know that they dont have to feel ashamed like they did at the regular high school. Here they can openly talk about being pregnant without feeling embarrassed. I cant help but think that maybe this isnt such a bad place after all. Mrs. Luna continues, And one of the most important things that the girls learn here is that there are a lot of people who care about them, that theyre not in this alone. We have a lot of resource people who get involved in our program. For example, we have speakers from the Womens Violence Prevention Society, who come and talk to the girls about what constitutes a healthy relationship. Yes, thats very important, Ms. Martnez agrees as we exit the Tapp classroom and head back to the main building. When we get to Mrs. Lunas office, Tina, the girl who almost ran us down earlier, is already there waiting for her. Before we can leave, though, Mrs. Luna asks us to wait, and she retrieves an application for the TAPP Program from her office. This is for you, Celia. Its very simple to fill out, except for the short essay at the end, but you can write that by hand. Then, winking at me, Mrs. Luna says, I hope to see you very soon, Celia.

Fourteen
As we pull up alongside the curb, Ms. Martnez turns to me and says, Think it over carefully, Celia. Ill call you later to see what youve decided. Thanking her, I cross the street and head toward the apartment, wondering if Ap has left for work. Markeys little voice greets me as I open the front door. He is in the living room watching a variety show in Spanish with Am, Rosario, and Lupita. With a quick wave, I disappear upstairs to my room before Am has time to ask any questions. Then, stretching out on the bed, I examine the TAPP application. It seems easy to fill out except for the essay; Im supposed to explain why I want to join the TAPP Program. Unsure of what I should do, I toss the application under the bed and instead take out my unfinished homework from yesterday. Im struggling with a long math problem when Juanita walks into the room. Tossing her backpack on the bed, she announces, Mr. Gross sent you some more stuff. How did it go at the Continuation School? Did you like it? It was okay, I shrug. Unsatisfied with my answer, Juanita begins to bombard me with questions until I explode,
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insisting I havent made up my mind about anything. Suit yourself, Juanita frowns, moving toward the door. But I think youd be stupid not to go there. When Cassie shows up a few minutes later, the first thing she does is ask how I liked the new school. I sort of liked it, I reply, wondering why I couldnt be that sincere with Juanita. Cassies raises her narrow eyebrows. Really, Cel? Yeah, it was real nice. They even have a nursery for the babies. Now my cheeks are turning red. Cool, Cassie replies as she sits down on the edge of the bed with me. Did you meet the teacher? Not yet, but her names Rachel, and shes supposed to be real nice, according to Mrs. Luna, the social worker. Thats bad! All my teachers this semester make me wanna barf, especially Mrs. Plumb, the Spanish teacher. So, when do you start going? First, I have to fill out the application and write this essay about why I wanna go there. Now Cassie frowns. Geez, why does everything have to be about writing. In my English class, we have to write a paper on some dead guy Ive never even heard of! Just then, Lupita opens the door to tell me that Am wants me in the kitchen. Cassie sighs, explaining she has to go clean her room. I walk her downstairs to the front door. Then I join Am in the kitchen, where she puts me to work cutting up vegetables for the guisado. After a few minutes go by, Am gives me her news.

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Hija, I made you a doctors appointment with Dr. McKenna. Aware of the sudden pounding in my head, I ask Am how she found that particular doctor, and she gently explains that her comadres daughter, Elena, was seen by Dr. McKenna when she was pregnant. Then, Am moves to my side and places her hand on my shoulder. Ya vers, hija, todo saldr bien. I open my mouth to speak, but Im distracted by Markey, who comes into the kitchen insisting that hes hungry. When Am hands him some cookies, he happily sits at the table to eat his snack. Soon Markey is joined by Rosario, so Am and I are unable to continue our conversation about my doctors appointment. An hour later, were seated at the table and having dinner, when Carlos gingerly strolls into the kitchen. He is wearing his ugly orange Taco uniform, and he smells like fast food. Markey hops off his chair to greet Carlos, who picks him up and swings him high in the air. Then Carlos sets Markey back on the floor, exclaiming, Hjole, gordo, youre getting way too heavy for me! Im gonna be as big as you, Markey squeals as Carlos reaches over and tugs at one of Rosarios pigtails. Am is already on her feet, setting a plate for Carlos at the head of the table, but Carlos insists hes not hungry. Lupita asks him if hes on a diet, but Carlos shakes his head and replies, Im not feeling so hot. I think I caught a cold.

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Am whispers, Pobre, hijo, as Juanita teases Carlos that its probably from all the fast-food germs hes surrounded by. Carlos only grins as Markey gets up from the table to ask, Can you play G.I. Joes with me? Sorry, gordo, Im feeling too sick, but I will next time. Making a sad face, Markey hurries off into the living room after Rosario and Lupita. After Am advises Carlos on how to get rid of his cold, she excuses herself, saying its time for Tumba de Amor, her favorite soap opera. As soon as shes left the kitchen, Carlos turns to me and asks, So hows it going now that youre back home? Before I can answer his question, Juanita says, She went to visit the program for teen moms today at the Laguna Continuation School. Thats trucha, Celia. You dont know how much I wish I had finished high school, gotten my diploma. When do you start? I havent even decided I want to go there, I reply curtly, giving Juanita a nasty look for opening her big mouth. Carlos wrinkles up his thick eyebrows, furrows appearing on his dark Indian forehead. Be smart, Celia. You dont wanna end up like me, flipping burgers for a living, barely making enough to pay the rent. Thats exactly what I told her! Juanita agrees. Raising my voice, I tell them both, I dont care what either of you say! Im not gonna let anybody pressure me

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into anything! On my feet, I move toward the sink and turn the faucet on as loudly as I can so that I can drown out their naggy voices. Carlos is quickly at my side. Listen, Celia, were only trying to help. When I dont respond, he shrugs his shoulders. Ive gotta get to bed. But remember, Celia, if you need a ride or anything, you can count on me. As soon as were done with the dishes, Juanita and I sit down to watch Teen Angels. Its Friday night, and Camille decides to go to the movies with Vanna. Theyre at the ticket line and Camille sighs, I wish Fabian were herehe had to go somewhere with his parents. Rolling her eyes slightly as if she doesnt believe what Camille has just stated, Vanna whispers under her breath, Lucky you. They go inside the theater, and as they line up at the snack bar, Camille catches a glimpse of Fabian walking inside with Amber. He has his arm tightly wrapped around her waist. Serves her right for being so stupid! Juanita says, but Lupita is quick to defend Amber, insisting shes prettier than Camille and that she dresses like a model. Ignoring Lupitas comments, were glued to the TV as we watch Camille and Vanna escape through the back door before Fabian can even see them. The minute they reach the car, Camille bursts into tears, and Vanna tries to console her. In the next scene, Camille is crying in her bedroom, and she wont let anyone inside, not even her mother. As the show ends, Lupita remarks, Camilles nothing

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but a crybaby, like the girls on Ams novelas. For once, I cant help but agree with Lupita. Back upstairs, I think about Camille and how she fell apart because of Fabian. I wont do that, I think to myself, realizing that Ill do anything to keep from falling apart because of a liar like Nicky. Feeling a surge of confidence, I reach under the bed for the TAPP application and start to fill it out. When I get to the essay, Im surprised by how easily the words come out: My name is Celia Chvez and Im writing this letter to say why I want to go to your school. Some reasons are that I am currently pregnant and I do not want to get behind in school. I want to work towards my diploma. I am willing to work hard and to do what I need to do so that I can get my education. I know that I need to work harder now that Im going to have a baby and have full responsibilities. I will need the education more than ever so that I can get my diploma and get a decent job to support me and my baby. I am very willing to do all my work. I would also like to come to your school because I get to be around other students that are pregnant and have babies. They understand what Im going through, and with them, I can learn about having a baby and how to care of it. The classes are supposed to be pretty cool, that you can do your work on your own time and its your choice if you want to have good grades

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or bad grades. And its up to you to graduate. So I would appreciate it if you would allow me this chance. I find it would be better for me to stay in school. I dont want to be like my brother Carlos, who dropped out of school and works hard making fast food. I want to be somebody, maybe go to college someday. Thank You Very Much, Celia Chvez

Fifteen
Ms. Martnez
As I walked into the house, I thought about Celia and how Id done my best to hide the grief in my heart as wed walked around the nursery with Mrs. Luna, discussing teen moms and their babies. Why couldnt I have been that fortunate, I wondered as I hung up my jacket. The telephone started ringing, and I hurried into the kitchen and picked up the receiver. Hello, I answered, hoping it wasnt my mother or someone from Pacific Mortgage trying to sell me life insurance. Sandy, how are you? Sonia greeted me. I tried calling you earlier both at home and in your office, but couldnt find you at either place. Frank told me you went back to work. Yes, I did, I replied in a dry, lifeless tone. Then, in an attempt to get Sonia away from the topic of my health, I asked about Glenn, the high school teacher from San Martn whom Sonia had met several months ago. Glenns great. Were still seeing each other, but I didnt call to talk about Glenn. Sandy, I know youve been
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avoiding my calls, but it wont work. Im not giving up that easily! Now I understood Juanita and Rinas complaints over the years about Maya being obnoxious. Like mother, like daughter, I thought to myself as Sonias nagging persisted. Maya told me about Celias pregnancy and how youre trying to help her. I think thats wonderful, Sandy. I know how hard it must be after losing the baby. But, well, I want you to know that Im still your comadre, if you want to talk about anything. The words exploded out of my mouth: Sonia, how could you possibly know what Im going through? My voice cracked and I released a muffled sob. Sandy, Im sorry. I didnt mean to make you cry. Do you want me to come over right now? Steadying my voice, I told her, No, Sonia, I dont need you to come by. Im fine, really I am. Its been a hard day, thats all. We were both silent for a moment until Sonia finally asked, Have you given any thought to grief counseling? Releasing a high nervous cackle, I answered, Sandy, that makes no sense whatsover! Im a shrink, or have you forgetten that? Well, shrinks have problems, too. I cant do that, I argued, my voice hardening. Sandy, lots of women who have miscarriages go to counseling. I told you, Im fine. I dont need any help. Listen, I

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have to go. Ill call you later. At that, I angrily slammed the receiver down and went into the bedroom to change. Grief counseling. Sonia had to be crazy to make such a ludicrous suggestion. As I zipped up my jeans, I heard the front door open, and, moments later, Frank walked into the bedroom. Hi, hon, he said, kissing me lightly on the lips as we sat down next to each other on the bed. Then Frank told me a funny joke someone had told him at the office. When I didnt laugh or even smile at the punch line, Frank squeezed my hand and said, Hon, whats the matter? Didnt it go well today with Celia? There was poisonous venom in my mouth as I answered, Frank, is that all you know how to do, tell meaningless jokes? Is everything a big joke for you? Franks eyes grew dim, and his shoulders slumped like snowladen branches. Thats not fair, Sandra. I was only trying to make you laugh. It was obvious I had hurt Frank, but I was still unable to control my bitter words. Dont you get it? Im tired of your jokes! I dont understand you, Sandra, Frank mumbled, rising to his feet and leaving the room just as quickly as he had arrived. After that, I avoided Frank until it was time for dinner. Feeling remorseful, I made several attempts to strike up a conversation, but Frank remained distant, answering my questions with rote answers. And the minute he finished

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eating, Frank rose quietly from the table and disappeared into the living room to watch the comedy channel. Aware that Frank didnt want to be anywhere near me, I loaded the dishwasher and retreated to the bedroom with a paperback I had abandoned months ago. Try as I might, my guilt-ridden thoughts made it impossible to concentrate. Why had I behaved that way with Frank? Why did I have to hurt him that way? Searching hopelessly for answers, I reflected on my conversation with Sonia. Maybe, like Celia, I also needed help. Maybe Sonia knew what she was talking about. I went to the closet and reached into the pocket of the blazer I had worn on the day I had come home from the hospital. I pulled out a folded brochure one of the nurses had given me. The bold print read GRIEF SUPPORT GROUPS. I took it back to bed and read the entire brochure carefully, after which I reached for the telephone and nervously dialed the number for the Perinatal Support Group. After a few short rings, a soft-spoken lady by the name of Gail came on the line. She warmly explained that the Perinatal Support Group meetings were held twice a month in a nearby church. Theres a meeting tomorrow evening at seven. Would you like me to add your name to the list? Yes, please. I gave her our names and listened carefully as she gave me the address for the meeting. I hung up and went to tell Frank. I sat down beside him on the living-room sofa and placed my hand over his. Frank, Im sorry about the way I acted. It was all my

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fault. Before you say anything, I want you to know that I just called the Grief Support Group they recommended at the hospital. Now I had Franks full attention as his eyes bore into mine. And theyre having a meeting tomorrow night for the Perinatal Group. Id really like for us to go. Frank responded by squeezing my hand tightly. Oh, hon, Im glad you made that call. Of course, well go. And Frank, I continued to apologize. Please dont stop your silly jokesI really love them, honest I do. Frank gave me an impish smile. Did I tell you the one about the Harley-Davidson nun? Just as I smiled back at Frank, we were interrupted by the telephone. Ill get it, hon, Frank said, disappearing into the kitchen and returning moments later. Its for you. Its Celia. So late? Sorry for calling so late, Ms. Martnez, but I wanted to let you know that I filled out the TAPP application. And tomorrow Carlos is giving me a ride so I can turn it in to Mrs. Luna. Now my evening couldnt be more perfect. That makes me very happy, Celia. Me, too, Ms. Martnez. I want to be somebody so my baby wont be ashamed of me. And you will, Celia. Mark my word. You can be or do anything you want as long as you stay in school.

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Thanks, Ms. Martnez, Celia whispered. As I went back to share the good news with Frank, I realized just how important this day had been for both Celia and me.

Sixteen
I felt my body stiffen as we pulled into the parking lot of a small Baptist church. Do we really want to go through with this? I asked frantically. Frank turned to look at me and said, I can turn around if you want, hon. My heart pounding like a jackhammer, I shook my head, so Frank went ahead and parked the car near the front of the church. Then, following Gails instructions, we walked around the side of the church until we found the classroom where the Perinatal Support Group meetings were held. As soon as we stepped inside, we were greeted by a pleasant chestnut-haired woman who was passing out name tags to each of the participants. Welcome. Im Jan Carpenter, the group facilitator. Heres a name tag for each of you. Frank thanked her and confided, This is our first time here. Jan smiled at him. Not to worry. Youll find a very supportive group of people here. Then she invited us to join the group and pointed toward the center of the room, where
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there were two rows of chairs facing a chalkboard. We found two empty seats in the second row, while Jan walked up front and welcomed the participants to the meeting. With a quick glance at the small notebook she was holding, Jan stated, In our last meeting, we talked about the grieving process and how important it is to find ways to express the loss of a baby. I asked each of you to express that grief by writing about it in your healing journals. Im hoping you all did your homework because tonight were going to break up into two separate groups to discuss what you found out. Jan continued with her instructions as people searched for their journals. In your groups, Id like you to share what you each wrote. And I know we have some new people this evening, so please take a moment to introduce yourselves them. Frank promptly turned to the couple at his side and introduced himself, while the woman sitting directly in front of me turned her chair around to say, Hi, my names Karla. As I held out my hand, introducing Karla to Frank, another couple scooted their chairs to our side of the room and introduced themselves as Alan and Millie. Soon we were gathered together in a small group, just as Jan had instructed. Once we were finished with the introductions, Karla took the lead. If youd like, I can go first, she suggested, opening her rose-colored journal. I decided to write a let-

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ter to my baby. Clearing her throat, she began to read: Dear Erika, I know we only got to know each other for a few short months, but I wanted you to know how much I loved you all the time you were inside of me. And I want you to know that I wont ever stop loving you. I wont ever forget you. I will always remember you, and even though I never really saw you, I know that you look like your older sister, the same beautiful blue eyes and soft angel skin. As Karla paused to wipe a tear from her eyes, Millie reached out to pat her on the arm. Smiling faintly, Karla finished her letter, wiping away another stray tear. That was beautiful, I whispered to Karla, who confessed how difficult it had been to write the letter, although she now felt as if a heavy burden had been lifted from her heart and mind. Millie nodded. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I also wrote a letter to my baby, and I cried the whole time I wrote it. By now, Jan had moved over to listen to our group, and she gently urged Millie to share her letter with us. A reluctant Millie opened her journal and began to read her letter, which was addressed to Alan, Jr. By the time she was finished, tears were running down her pale cheeks. I didnt think Id cry again, Millie whispered as Alan reached for his wifes hand and stroked it tenderly until she regained her composure. Frank cast a glance my way as Jan attempted to console

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Millie, reassuring her that it was good to cry. Then Jan turned to Alan and asked, Would you like to share what you wrote in your journal? Sounding embarrassed, Alan replied, Well, I didnt quite compose a letter . . . just some thoughts I had. Thats fine, Jan said as Alan began to turn the pages of his journal nervously. After taking a long, deep breath, Alan began to read: Sometimes I feel so angry that this happened to us. Most of the time, Im angry with myself. Angry because I shouldve done something. Maybe if Id taken better care of Millie, this wouldnt have happened to her. Maybe if Id been there to hold her hand. If only the doctor had let me be there in that room with her. I feel so helpless, so angry at the world for letting this happen to Millie and me. Thats it, Alan concluded, abruptly closing his journal. It took me by complete surprise when Frank told Alan, I know exactly how you feel. I get angry, too, but I try to keep it to myself. I hide it from Sandy. And I wasnt allowed in the room eitherthat made me even angrier. Frank, I never knew you felt that way, I stammered, recognizing the grief in his eyes. Sandy, theres a lot of things you dont know, Frank whispered, and I reached out to tenderly stroke his cheek. My husband kept his feelings from me, too, Karla interjected. He suffered in silence like I did. And we never talked about losing the baby. We just grew further and fur-

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ther apart. Guess thats why our marriage ended. Im very sorry, I whispered to Karla, aware that if Frank and I didnt get our feelings out in the open, our marriage would dissolve like it had for Karla and her husband. We were interrupted by a sudden rapping on the chalkboard as Jan announced it was time for a break. At the refreshment table, Jan introduced us to another couple, Cynthia and Jack, who were also newcomers. We spent the entire fifteen-minute break talking about music since they owned a trendy music store nearby. As soon as we were reconvened in one large group, Jan asked if anyone wanted to share what he or she had learned from writing in the healing journal. A striking brunette who had been in the other group raised her hand to say, The letter I wrote helped bring Donald and me closer to each other. Now I think he finally understands my loss, that it wasnt just a pregnancy, but a real baby I lost. Donald, who was sitting next to his wife, added, Im glad Ginny wrote this letter to me. I remember how I used to tell her, Get over it. We can still have more children. It was my way of avoiding what had happened, not talking about it. Now I understand how that mustve hurt her. The tall, husky-looking woman sitting behind Ginny and Donald spoke up. It helps to write about it, to describe all those nightmares and dreams Ive been having since I lost my baby. And I learned that Im not alone . . . I was always so embarrassed to talk to other people about losing my baby. Jan promptly agreed with her. Yes, in our culture,

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were conditioned to view a miscarriage as insignificant, so the tendency is to hide our true feelings inside, like a deep dark secret. Now the olive-skinned woman directly in front of Jan began to speak. Maybe my marriage wouldnt have ended if Mark and I had been able to talk about our loss, express our feelings. Maybe if wed had a book to read that described the grief we were experiencing . . . I dont know . . . Her voice drifted off, and there were tears in her eyes. Karla leaned forward in her chair and said, Writing this letter to my baby really helped me cause I blamed myself for her death. I remember going over in detail everything Id done that day. Asking forgiveness from my baby, helped me forgive myself, and it helped me realize I didnt do anything wrong. Im not to blame, not God, not anyone. It took all my inner strength to hold back the tears as I thought of all the times Id blamed myself for losing the baby, repeating in my head over and over everything Id done that day, wondering if maybe Id worked too hard at the office or not eaten the right things. Jans comforting voice soothed my troubled thoughts. Yes, Karla, it is indeed very common to blame ourselves for the miscarriage, to feel an immense guilt. Millie glanced at her husband and added, Its a burden that no one understands. My mother-in-law, my friends, none of them understands what Ive been going through. But writing this letter to my baby has helped me with the

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guilt. Its given me closure. Im very pleased for you, Jan stated, looking quickly at her wristwatch. Its time to end our meeting. But well see you next month, and dont forget to keep writing in your healing journals. Then she began to hand out a bright-yellow leaflet to everyone in the room. Here is a list of current websites on perinatal losses. They have some excellent chat rooms where you can share your feelings with other couples who have gone through the same experiences. As we walked back to the car, I confided to Frank, Id really like to attend another meeting. It helps to listen to all those women talk about losing their own babies. Frank paused to put his arms around me and whispered, Yeah, hon, it helped me, too.

Seventeen
Celia
After a few days have gone by, Mrs. Luna calls to tell me Ive been accepted into the TAPP Program and explains that I need to bring one of my parents for a meeting on Friday with Rachel Pampano. After I call Ms. Martnez to give her the good news, I ask Am if shell go with me. Am right away agrees, so on Friday morning, we leave for the Continuation School before Ap even knows were gone. As soon as we get there, we go into the main office to check in with the receptionist. From there, I take Am straight to Mrs. Lunas office. The minute Mrs. Luna meets Am, they start talking in Spanish as if they were comadres from way back. Explaining that the TAPP girls are on a field trip today, Mrs. Luna leads the way to the TAPP classroom, where we find Miss Pampano putting up more baby pictures on the wall. Miss Pampano greets us with a warm smile and a friendly Buenos das, and apologizes to Am for her Spanish pronunciation. I study Miss Pampanos freckled face and orange-red
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hair, which is pulled back in a short ponytail. She is wearing a long flowered skirt, which makes her look like one of those hippies Ive seen in old movies. When Mrs. Luna offers to interpret for us, Am explains she understands English, so Mrs. Luna leaves, reminding us to call if we need her. After we find a place to sit at the empty student desks, I blurt out, You dont look old enough to be a teacher! Am flinches, but Miss Pampano only smiles and says, Thats what all the girls say when they first meet me. But I always remind them that I may be young and new at this, but I know exactly why Im here and what Im supposed to do. Im here to help all of you succeed. Im also here to learn from you, just as youre learning from me. Oh, yeah? I answer, thinking that this is the first time Ive ever heard a teacher admit she learns from her students. Something tells me Im going to like this new teacher. Miss Pampano begins the meeting by showing Am the two written contracts she needs us to sign before I can start classes on Monday. Am listens carefully as Miss Pampano reviews the first contract, which lists my school hours and the type of assignments Im expected to complete. When Miss Pampano moves on to the second contract, her voice takes on a more serious tone. Sra. Chvez, this contract is very important because it lists exactly the type of behavior I expect from each of our students. Now Miss Pampano turns to look at me. Celia, I dont

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know if youve ever been in an independent study program before, but its a different type of setup where you take the responsibility yourself for doing the work. Its not like in regular high school classes. Im not gonna sit here and say, Okay, its time to do this or that subject. You have to choose for yourself what you need to be working on, knowing you have a deadline. Im not a babysitter. Im always here to help, but you do the work on your own. And if you show me youre successful, then you can get involved in other projects with the rest of the girls. If you turn in your best work, then I can allow you to participate in different projects. But if youre not doing your work, you will not participate in those things. Does that make sense? As I nod yes, I realize Miss Pampano is not as soft as she appears on the outside. Next, Miss Pampano says to Am, Sra. Chvez, this is perhaps where I need parent support the most. I expect Celia to be here every single day, Monday through Friday, from eight a.m. to eleven. Its also important that you know that for each of my students, Friday is the most important day because their work is due on that day. If the student cant be here for a valid reason, I ask the parents to take the responsibility for getting their work turned in on that Friday. I really want to stress how much I need your support on this. Nodding, Am answers, S, maestra, la entiendo muy bien. Pleased, Miss Pampano goes on, But I also ask parents

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to get involved in many other ways. Sometimes I invite them to help with birthday parties or maybe just come in and talk with the girls. And I want you to know, Sra. Chvez, that Im always available for any questions that might come up. Ill also be calling you now and then just to let you know how Celia is doing in the program. Turning to me again, Miss Pampano explains, Celia, I also want you and your mom to know that even though you have core requirements to complete in the classroom, I try to make the assignments relevant enough so that you wont lose interest, so that your interest is drawn in. For example, we have this wonderful computer that Laguna University donated to us, so we have all this new technology that the girls are learning by doing things they can relate to. Theyve all learned to use the scanner and the digital camera, and we have photo shoots with the babies. She points to the pictures she was putting up when we arrived. Those are some of the pictures the girls took yesterday. The babies are real cute, I tell her, imagining myself in a picture with my own baby. All of the girls in the TAPP Program are phenomenal. They know they can really learn and do some neat things. And the only rule I have, Celia, is respect. I tell all the girls, you respect me, I respect you. Its as simple as that. I nod in agreement, thinking how much fun it will be having a teacher like Miss Pampano, who is straight up with you. Celia, I know youre going to feel nervous on your first

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day, but all the girls help in welcoming the new students. I had two new students start last Monday, but by the end of their first day, they were already feeling like part of the group. All the girls try to help each other, since theyre in the same situation. Qu bueno, verdad hija? Am suddenly says. Miss Pampano nods and asks her if she has any questions before signing the contracts. Am hesitates, then asks if Ill be able to graduate from high school like everyone else. Sra. Chavez, thats the most frequent question parents ask. They want to know if their daughter will be able to stay in our program until she graduates. Yes, Sra. Chvez, Celia will complete all her requirements so that she can graduate just like everyone else. And I cant make any promises, but as long as we have the space, she can remain in our program, even after the baby is born. Were pretty full. If for some reason someone else needs Celias space, well do our best to place her where shell be the most successful. Most of the girls choose to stay on here at the Continuation School, and we do everything to help place them where they will be successful. Now, how about a tour of the school? That evening, Cassie comes by, and, the moment the door closes behind her, she hands me a folded envelope from her pocket. Its from Nicky . . . thought I better bring it over right away. As I stare at my name, wondering if I should open the envelope or simply tear it up, Cassie asks, Arent you gonna open it? Maybe hes changed his mind?

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You think so? I answer, excitement in my voice as I hastily open the envelope and begin to read: You lousy bitch. They came after me, that Im gonna have to take a blood test so I can give you child support. Youre nothing but a no-good whore for giving them my name. Dont think Im gonna play daddy even if the test comes out positive. Stay away from me and dont you ever try to contact me again or youll regret it for the rest of your lousy life. Tears flood my eyes, and I crumple up the letter. Cassie grabs it out of my hand, unfolds it, and reads it. That filthy pig! He acts as if he had nothing to do with it. Im glad he has to pay child support. How could anyone have gotten a hold of Nickys name? I never told anyone about him. Then the answer dawns on me. You didnt tell your parents, did you? Lowering her eyes in embarrassment, Cassie admits, Im sorry, Cel. But Mom got suspicious when I asked her for Nickys address, and she kept bugging me until I had to tell her. But I made Mom promise she wouldnt tell your parents. Cass, how could you? I lash out angrily. You promised me you wouldnt say anything to your parents. Im sorry, Cel, I really am, but there was no way out of it. But maybe its for the best. That loser should pay. Are you absolutely positive your mom wont tell my

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parents? Super-positive, Cassie insists. Suddenly, I am very afraid, knowing Ap would go crazy if he found out Nickys name.

b b b
All that weekend, Im plagued by crazy thoughts about Ap finding out Nickys identity. When Ms. Martnez shows up at the apartment on Sunday afternoon, I am in desperate need of her advice. As soon as shes seated next to me on the couch, Ms. Martnez says, You didnt call, so I thought Id come by and find out how it went on Friday. Its awfully quiet in here. Yeah, its a miracle. Ap took Am and the three little ones to the lake to feed the ducks, and Juanitas at Rinas. That explains it, Ms. Martnez says with a smile. Now, tell me, how did it go at the Continuation School? Trying not to sound worried, I tell her all about the meeting and how much Am and I liked Miss Pampano. Good, Ms. Martnez says, pausing to study my face carefully. Then she pats me on the arm and asks, Celia, whats wrong? Our eyes meet, and suddenly I am confessing all about Nickys letter and how Cassie told her mom everything. Ms. Martnez says, Celia, the truth had to come out sooner or later. Cassies mom did the right thing. Nicky needs to take responsibility for his actions. Maybe you

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cant see that now, but one day you will. But what if my parents find out about Nicky? I think the time has come to tell your mother about Nicky. Shes always been very supportive. Yeah, I guess so . . . she always helps me and Juanita. I guess I could talk to her tomorrow on the way to school. Well be alone then. Thats a very good plan.

Eighteen
Monday morning, I wait until weve driven away from the apartment before I pour out the entire story to Am about Nicky. When I tell her that Cassies mom found out the truth and reported Nicky, Am whispers, At least now the baby will have a father. But I dont want anything from Nicky or his family. Am patiently explains that Nickys mother, or any mother for that matter, has the right to know if shes going to be a grandma. After that, we drive in silence until we turn into the Continuation School. Then, as I open the car door, Am says, Dont worry about your Ap, hija. Well tell him when the time is right. Joining crowds of unfamiliar students, I make my way through the front entrance and out the back door of the school building. Im almost at the TAPP classroom when two girls rush up from behind and bump me lightly in their haste to race through the door before the bell rings. Annoyed, I begin to wonder if Im really going to like this place. Then a friendly voice eases my worries. Dont mind themthey dont have any manners.
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No problem, I reply to the husky girl with the crooked smile who moves up to walk alongside me. You must be the new girl. Im Norma, Norma Ramrez. Whats your name? Celia, I reply cautiously as she holds the door open for me and we go inside. Now the TAPP classroom has been completely transformed into a kaleidoscope of frantic teenage girls, chatting with their classmates as they move to their assigned seats. When someone calls out to Norma in Spanish, she goes to the other side of the room, leaving me alone. Aware that I am the center of attention, I glance around the room for Miss Pampano. I recognize one of the rude girls who almost ran me down. Im getting panicky when Miss Pampano appears at my side. Good morning, Celia, and welcome to the TAPP Program. The rude girl who hasnt taken her eyes off me, shouts out, Hey, Celia, where you from? Looking at her, Miss Pampano says, Tracy, meet Celia. Shes from Laguna, just like you. Cool, Tracy says as I follow Miss Pampano to her desk. Rapping a globe-like paperweight on her desk several times, Miss Pampano announces, Girls, this is Celia Chvez, our new student. Someone whistles while Ms. Pampano continues, And I hope youll do everything you can to make her feel at home.

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Normas voice suddenly rings out like a bullhorn. Dont you worry, Miss P.! Ill show her the ropes! Clicking her tongue at Normas smugness, Miss Pampano moves toward the first row of desks and pauses to introduce me to Melanie, a fair-skinned girl whose sandy hair instantly reminds me of Cassie. Melanies five-and-ahalf months pregnant. Melanie smiles shyly at me. I hope its a girl like me. Smiling back at her, I cant help but think that Melanie looks way too young to be pregnant. But then again, thats probably what people will say about me when they find out. Miss Pampano points to the girl in the next seat and says, And this is Monica. This is her first year and she has a month-old baby. Monica, who has thick, wavy black hair like mine, gives me an apologetic smile. Hey, sorry we almost ran you down. Tracy and I are always trying to beat the bell. Thats okay, I tell her, moving toward the middle row where Miss Pampano pauses in front of the only AfricanAmerican student in the class. This is Midori, Miss Pampano says. Midori has a beautiful baby girl. Yeah, Miss P. She looks just like me, Midori brags as I study her face, thinking she could pass for a teen model with her ebony skin and moon eyes. Then Miss Pampano points to Norma, who is behind Midori. Looks like you already met the class superstar, right? rale, Miss P., Norma says, asking if I can sit in the

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empty desk next to her. Miss Pampano nods as we move toward the last row of desks. You already met Tracy. Her babys due in two months. Then she points to the dark-skinned Mexican girl directly behind Tracy, adding, And, last but not least, is Esmeraldaher baby is a year old. Thats me and my baby up there, Esmeralda says, revealing a tiny dimple on her left cheek. Glancing up at the picture on the wall, I tell her hes real cute while Miss Pampano comments on how much Esmeraldas baby has grown. From there, we walk toward the chalkboard, where Miss Pampano explains, Celia, as you can see, every morning I write the days schedule on the board, what were doing for each period. First period is study hall; then second period, all of the girls go to different places to work on different things. Today, third period is study hall, and then fourth period were having a guest speaker from a nearby college. After that, we go back to Miss Pampanos desk, and she hands me my textbooks, along with an assignment sheet that has my name on it. Reminding me that Ill need to turn in all of my assignments on Friday, Miss Pampano says, And Celia, not to worry: I know exactly where youre at in terms of credits and assignments. But since today is your first day, Im going to start by giving you the placement exam. This morning, Id like to give you the English portion of it. What Id like you to do is write me a two-page

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essay stating your opinion on curfews. You can work on this during first and second periods. How does that sound? Real good. Next, Miss Pampano tells me there is a short break at the end of first period, in case I need to go to the bathroom or want to get a snack. As I take a seat next to her, Norma looks up from her math worksheet to say, I remember when I had to write an essay about the curfew. Believe me, I had a lot to say on that topic. If you need any ideas, just let me know. Celia, I wouldnt get any help from Norma unless you want to fail the exam! Tracy warns. Were interrupted by the banging of the door as a tall redhead wearing a pair of white jean coveralls suddenly rushes up to Miss Pampanos desk. Norma leans over to whisper, Thats Kerryshes always late. Sorry, Miss P., Kerry apologizes, reaching for her assignment sheet from the wire basket on the corner of the desk. But my baby was sick, and I had to wait until my boyfriends mom got home from work. Instead of scolding her, Miss Pampano asks if the baby needs to be seen by a doctor. Kerry shakes her head and explains he has a fever because hes teething. Then, as she takes her seat behind Monica, Kerry starts to complain about her boyfriends mom, who is very bossy. When the bell rings half an hour later, Norma springs to her feet and asks if Id like to go get a snack with her. I tell

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her that I want to finish my essay, so she hurries off after Midori and Esmeralda. Then Miss Pampano excuses herself to go to the main office, leaving me alone with Kerry. Moments later, Norma returns with a carton of orange juice and explains that theyre free for the TAPP students. Then, she gathers up her backpack, saying she needs to hurry to the PIC Labs. I nod, pretending to know what Normas talking about, even though I dont have a clue. As the room grows silent again, Kerry gets up to use the pencil sharpener. On the way back, she pauses at my desk. I had to write the same essay on my first day. Need any help? Thanks, but Im almost done, I tell Kerry, noticing the bright freckles dotting her face. As Kerry goes back to her desk, Miss Pampano returns. When she asks both of us how were doing, I eagerly hand her my completed essay. Good for you, Celia! she states. Then she suggests that I start reading a novel for my literature assignment. Wishing I didnt have to do something as boring as reading a book, I head for the bookshelf, where I scan through the books until I find the skinniest one on the shelf. As I pass Kerry, she says, The House on Mango StreetI read that one. Its a cool book. Miss Pampano looks up from the papers she is grading to state, Kerry is right. Sandra Cisneros is a great choice. Im on the part about Esperanzas chanclas, when the third-period bell rings and everyone starts filing back into

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the classroom. As always, Normas voice is the loudest one as they head for their desks. Raising her voice slightly to get everyones attention, Miss Pampano announces that todays speaker has canceled. But you can work on your baby albums through the end of fourth period, she instructs. Then Miss Pampano comes up to me and hands me a large plain-covered album. This is for you, Celia. You can start by designing your own cover for it. The supplies are on the table next to the chalkboard. Kerry raises her purple album in the air and opens it to the first page. See, Celia, I used calligraphy to print up all the information on my babys birth. Norma frowns at her and points to her own album cover, which has a photograph of her son inside a large red heart. Mines definitely the best! she remarks, giving me one of her crooked smiles. At the supply table, I sort through the scraps of cloth until I finally pick out two bright pieces, one red and the other one green because they remind me of the colors of the Mexican flag. Back at my desk, Esmeralda says, I like the colors you pickedthey remind me of my Am and Ap. Theyre from Mexico. So is my Ap, I tell her, wondering if Esmeraldas Ap is as strict as mine. As Im finishing up the Mexican design on my album cover, the bell rings, and everyone quickly puts her album away and gathers up her belongings. Waving goodbye to

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everyone, Miss Pampano asks, Well, Celia, what do you think? Are you going to like it here? Before I can answer, Norma casually places her arm around my shoulder and answers for me: Of course, she does, Miss P.! How could Celia not like it here, when she has me for a friend? Miss Pampano shakes her head at Norma, who pulls me toward the door, demanding, Come on, Celia. My boyfriends picking me up today. We can give you a ride home. Waving goodbye, I whisper, I really liked it, Miss P. See you tomorrow!

Nineteen
By the second week, Im already beginning to feel as if I belong in the TAPP classroom. All the girls are friendly, and they make me feel like an important member of their group, especially Norma. And its good to be able to talk openly about having a baby. I couldnt imagine doing that at Roosevelt. On Thursday, Miss Pampano hands each of us a small journal, explaining, Girls, this is going to be your own private journal for the rest of the school year. What I want you to do right now is to open it to the very first page and make a list of the most important qualities that make you the person you are. Ignoring the groans of complaint emerging from the class, Miss Pampano continues, Youre probably wondering why Im having you do this. Well, many times were so busy, we dont acknowledge all the good things about ourselves. We dont compliment ourselves. So thats what Id like for you to do right now in your journals. In her loud raspy voice, Norma asks, Miss P., do they only have to be good things that we write down? Yes, Norma, only nice things.
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When Midori and Esmeralda begin to whine, Miss Pampano urges, Come on, girls. I know you can do it. It takes a lot of work to look inside ourselves, even for teachers. But its very important to do so. As I open my journal, Norma grins mischievously and says, This is easy . . . I know some great stuff about myself. Norma, youre such a show-off! Midori shrieks as Miss Pampano orders us to stop talking and concentrate on our journals. Staring at the blank page, I wonder what good things I can possibly say about myself? Closing my eyes, I think about all the stuff I do at home, like washing dishes and babysitting. I guess you can say Im not lazythats a good thing. I quickly write it in my journal. Then I remember how Cassie says she cant understand how I can share a room with Juanita. But Am has always taught us to share what we have. Guess thats another good thing, I think to myself, writing it in my new journal. By the time Miss Pampano tells us to stop writing, Im surprised to find that Ive written a bunch of good things about myself. Next, Miss Pampano asks us to pass our journals to a different person. Now I want everyone to write three nice things about that person in your journal. Then, when youre finished with that persons journal, pass it on to the next one and keep going until youve written something in everyones journal. This is cool, Norma says, exchanging journals with me.

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After I write three nice things about Norma, I pass her journal on to Midori, and she hands me hers. We keep passing our journals around the room each of until our own comes back to us. Then Miss Pampano asks us to read what everyone has written in our journals, emphasizing, And as you read all those positive things, I want you to accept them as truths. I cant believe all the nice things I read about myself: Celia has a nice smile. Celia is real pretty. Celia seems very nice and polite. Celia is smart. By the time I finish reading everything my classmates have written about me, I feel proud of myself, like I really am somebody. As third period ends, a lean, auburn-haired college student walks into the classroom. Thats Kimra Daz, our counselor from the university. Todays our rap session day, Norma explains as Miss Pampano orders us to sit in a circle on the floor in front of the chalkboard. Joining us at the head of the circle, Kimra introduces herself, then welcomes me to the rap session. Next, she opens up the discussion by asking how everyone is doing. Kerry is the first to speak. Its not as easy as I thought it would be. Like before I got pregnant, Id see my friends with their babies, and I was like, you know, How cute. I want a baby, too. And then you have one and youre like, oh, my God, reality check, and you kind of realize this isnt as easy as I thought it was. Midori sighs loudly and confesses, Yeah, my daughter is fun and everything, but sleepless nights and no money

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. . . tell me about it. Having to dedicate your life to that and to your child. It doesnt revolve just around you anymore. You have to base your whole life on your child. Now Norma expresses her own thoughts. Yeah, like when my little boy gets sick, I have to deal with it. Theres no one to run to, and my boyfriend is not a big help. He works, and when he gets home, he doesnt want to take care of the baby cause hes tired. I have the baby all on my own, plus I have to cook, clean the apartment, and if I go out, I have to take her with me cause hes at work. I dont have anyone to watch her. Yeah, its different when its just you, your husband, and the baby, Kerry adds, cause you gotta worry about taking care of your house, putting dinner on the table. Kimra nods and asks gently, Can your parents be of any help? Monica quickly answers, I live with my boyfriends parents, and theyre on my back all the time. Me and my boyfriend are going through a rough time cause his parents are constantly telling me what to do with my child. And I hate it cause they didnt do what I had to dopush my baby out all by myself. Monicas last statement elicits giggles from the entire group. And now my babys like a year old, and they still expect me to watch him constantly. Kimra turns to look at Tracy. What about you, Tracy, is there anything you want to say? Tracy hesitates, but after a few moments, she opens up.

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My situation is different. My dad kicked me out, so I live with foster parents. My thoughts flash back to the day Ap kicked me out of the house, the shock, all the tears I cried. And when I got pregnant, Tracy confesses, my boyfriend just walked away. Im sure that made it even more difficult for you, Kimra suggests. Tracy nods, bowing her head in an attempt to hide her watery eyes. Esmeralda uncrosses her legs and says, It was hard for me, too. The guy I was with, he broke up with me fast. But first, he made sure he told me that his other girlfriend, who had moved away, was pregnant, and he told me he wanted to be close to her. And when I told him I was pregnant, hes like, Sorry, esa, I dont want nothing to do with it. Then he disappeared. That lying loser, Norma blurts out as I imagine Nickys ugly face, his ugly letter. Straightening out her bent shoulders, Monica remarks, Its like, we dont care enough about ourselves. Before I met my boyfriend, all I cared about was boys. I didnt care about myself at all. I was on drugs, partying all the time. I didnt care what people thought of me either. Yeah, me, too, Melanie sighs. I was in community school, but I wasnt concerned about goals, like I am now. All I cared about was getting the right boyfriend. Midori nods, her eyes widening like two large balloons. If youre out partying and having sex, you dont think

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about getting pregnant. You dont realize the responsibility; you think nothings gonna happen to you. Then when it does, you go, hey girl . . . Taking a deep breath, I whisper, I didnt think it could happen from just one time, but it did. Now everyone is looking at me as Monica adds, Me eitherall it took was one time. Kimra hasnt taken her eyes off me as if she wants me to go on, but Norma rescues me from confessing something else. And a lot of guys dont like to wear a condom, and if they do and it breaks, theyre not gonna tell you, Norma complains. They dont tell us nothing. Monica offers another comment. Like Kerry was saying, some girls just wanna get pregnant cause a lot of their friends have babies. They dont know what its like until they have to deal with a baby . . . with all those sleepless nights. Yeah, Kerry agrees. All I wanted to do was get pregnant. My older sister had a baby as a teen, so thats a big influence. Its like, well, she did it, so I can do it, too. She had sex. So I can, too. Kimra raises an important question. Werent you informed about birth control? Sort of, Kerry answers. But with my parents, that was impossible cause theyd say, You cant get on birth control pills cause youre gonna wanna go out and have sex. So they wouldnt let me, and I didnt know I could get some without a parent.

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Tracy releases a long sigh. Its like a lot of parents think if youre on birth control, youre having sex, so thats why a lot of parents dont want you to know about condoms. But kids do it, anyway. I know I did. I didnt know about birth control either, Melanie admits. I thought you had to have your parent with you to get it, and I was scared cause then my mom would be like, why do you want birth control? Are you having sex? And then youre scared theyre gonna call your parents. I didnt know it was confidential. What about sex education programs in school? Kimra asks. Dont they give you this information? Monica laughs. They mention birth control, but they dont tell you that you have any rights, that your parents dont have to know, that there are places you can get it on your own or that there are people who can help you. In high school, they dont really tell you about it. As the final bell goes off, Esmeralda blurts out, Hjole, I think birth control is a good thing! Then everyone laughs, easing the tension in the room. When I get home, Carloss car is parked in front of the apartment. As I open the front door and try to sneak quietly up the stairway, Am calls me into the kitchen for lunch. Then Carlos hollers out, Come on, mugrosa. I saved a place for you! I get panicky when I find Ap seated at the head of the table, but I know there is no way out. Hesitating, I pull up a chair next to Carlos. As Am hands me a plate of caldo

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de pollo, I ask Carlos why hes not at work, noticing that Ap keeps right on eating as if I am invisible. Are you kidding? Carlos answers. Im on my way there. I got to start late today since we hired a new guy. Then the miracle happens. Ap lets out a grunting sound, and he tells Carlos in Spanish, If youd stayed in school, like Celia and Juanita, you wouldnt be working like a burro at that place. Ams face is beaming as our eyes meet. Then Carlos shrugs his shoulders and admits, Aps right, Celia. You were smart to go back to school. That night, Cassie drops by to watch Teen Angels with me. In this nights episode, were stunned by Camilles new attitude. Instead of whining about Fabian or crying her heart out, Camille seems confident and happy. Shes with Vanna and Jennie, who are spending the night. Theyre in Camilles room eating pizza and listening to music when Camille suddenly confesses to her two best friends, You know, I finally realize that Fabians not the most important thing in my life. Its true friends like you that count the most. You made me realize that Im important, not just some stupid guy. Its about time she got smart! Cassie yells out as the show ends. I cant help but smile as I think about my new friends in the TAPP classroom. Ms. Martnez was right: I can make my dreams come true, but I can only do that by staying in school and believing in myself, just like Camille.

Twenty
Ms. Martnez
Lupita happily led me into the living room, where Mrs. Chvez was seated on the couch reading a soap-opera magazine while Markey and Rosario watched cartoons. Buenas tardes, Sra. Chvez, I said, walking up to shake her hand. Rosario and Markey said hello to me, then focused their attention back on the television. Sitting down next to her, I confessed to Mrs. Chvez that I was on my way home, but thought Id stop by to see Celia. I wanted to find out how she liked her first few weeks of classes. She likes it there, Mrs. Chvez explained in Spanish. She hasnt missed a single day of school. Thats great to hear. Then I asked about their doctors visit, and Mrs. Chvez explained that Celia had been extremely nervous. But Doctor McKenna was real nice. I know Celia liked her. And Celia told me about the babys dad. Thats goodshe needed to tell you. Just then, Juanita and Celia came walking into the
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room. Hi, Ms. Martnez, Juanita said, giving me a hug while Celia stood awkwardly next to her older sister. Turning to look at her, I said, You know, Celia, youre looking more and more like Juanita every day. Celia frowned at the comparison, but Juanita grinned as she playfully bragged, Celia will never be as pretty as me! Stuck-up! Celia hissed, and Mrs. Chvez scolded her, but I was amused by their good-natured rivalry. Turning off the TV, Mrs. Chvez ordered the kids outside to play, then excused herself to leave me alone with her two older daughters. Are you feeling better now, Ms. Martnez? Juanita asked, a serious look in her big eyes. Yes, Im much better, thank you, Juanita. It was a relief to finally be able to say that, to admit that I was better, even though Frank and I had just begun attending the Perinatal Support Group meetings. Focusing my thoughts back on the present moment, I asked, And hows little Miss Maya? Spoiled rotten! Look whos talking! Celia said. Ignoring her sisters comment, Juanita said, Sorry, Ms. Martnez, but I need to get back to my history report. The moment Juanita left the room, I turned to Celia, who was now sitting in her fathers armchair. How do you like your new school? Celias face brightened, her dark eyes sparkling. I really like it. Miss Pampano is so nice, and I already made a

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bunch of new friends. Thats wonderful. And what about the assignments? Have they been difficult? Not really, Celia answered, going on to describe some of the worksheets shed completed in the different subject areas. But what I like the best are the rap sessions weve had. And why is that? Ms. Martnez, it feels so good to hear all the other girls talk about their problems, like it makes me feel Im not the only one whos going through this. And Kimra, our counselor, shes really nice. She lets us say anything thats on our minds, like she really cares about us. And Ive made friends with all the girls, especially this one girl named Norma. Shes cool. Im very happy for you, Celia, I complimented her, knowing that we had both come a long way these past few months. And how are things at home with your Ap? Not too bad, I guess, Celia replied, hesitating for a moment before she continued. Yesterday, I almost fainted from shock when Ap gave me a compliment. Well, he didnt actually tell it to me. He was talking to Carlos, and he scolded him for not staying in school like me and Juanita. Your father is a good man, Celia. He may be tough as nails, but if theres anything he values, its his childrens education. Yeah, I guess so. It kinda shocked me when I heard him say that, but it made me happy.

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Im glad. Mrs. Chvez came into the room and handed me a cup of coffee. Thanking her, I was about to add cream and sugar to it when Celias next question took me by complete surprise. Ms. Martnez, Am and I were wondering if you and your husband would baptize my baby. You want Frank and me to baptize your baby? Yes, Celia answered as Mrs. Chvez nodded in agreement. Im very honored, Celia, that you would want Frank and me for your babys godparents. Celia smiled as Mrs. Chvez added in Spanish, No, Doctora Martnez. It would be an honor for our family. Gracias, Sra. Chvez, I whispered, tears in my eyes as I thought about the baby I had lost and the one that I had helped save. The moment I walked in the door, I shared the exciting news with Frank, who immediately went into one of his Marlon Brando impersonations of The Godfather. When he was finished, I scolded him. This is not a joke, Frank. Being padrinos is a very serious business. It means were being accepted as part of the Chvez family. Does that mean I can ask Mrs. Chvez to make me as many sopes as I want? Frank continued to tease. Ay, Frank, I sighed as his face grew serious. Hon, are you sure you want to do this, I mean after everything youve been through since we lost the baby?

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Yes, Im absolutely sure. And, Frank, I saw Dr. Jenkins this week, and she reassured me that in a few months we can start trying for another baby. Oh, yeah, Frank growled. How about if we start trying right now? Now is that a good way for a padrino to behave? I scolded as Frank rolled onto the carpet, his body twitching as he began to act out another scene from The Godfather, where Marlon Brando has the sudden heart attack. What a crazy padrino youre going to make! I concluded, giving him a playful kick in the stomach.

Glossary
abuelitagrandmother Ammother amigafriend ndale, hijaGo ahead, daughter ndale, viejoGo ahead, dear Apfather Ay, Frank, ests bien loco!Oh, Frank, youre really crazy. Bendita sea Ud.God bless you bien coolvery cool Buenas nochesGood evening Buenos dasGood morning caldo de pollochicken soup CllateBe quiet. Cmbiate el vestidochange your dress chanclasslippers or sandals chile con carnechili beans chiles rellenosstuffed bell peppers chile verdegreen chile chismosonosy
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chorizoMexican sausage comadre (s)a female protector; close family friend; a relative by mutual consent, which may not be by blood compadre (s)a male protector; close family friend; a relative by mutual consent, which may not be of blood corajeanger esaslang word used as a greeting, which means, "homegirl" eseslang word used as a greeting, which means, "homeboy" Gracias, viejo. No se va a arrepentirThanks, dear. You wont regret it. Guisadostew Hey, locasHey, crazy girls! Hija mal agradecidaungrateful daughter Hjole, gordoWow/Oh, my gosh (gordo meaning chubby, is used as an endearment) Levntate, desgraciada!Get out of bed, ungrateful daughter! Locaa crazy girl Lo siento, hijaIm sorry, my daughter. Lo siento tantoIm very sorry. loteraMexican Bingo mugrosasnotty No quiero tener a una puta en la casaI dont want a whore in the house No viejo, por el favor de Dios, ya djalaNo, dear, for the love of God, leave her alone.

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raleHey!; Okay!; Right on! All right! padrinogodfather padrinosgodparents panznfatso; a big-bellied person papidaddy pendejo/aidiot; fool; a stupid person Pobre, hijomy poor son Qu buenoThats good. Qu bueno, verdad, hija?Thats good, right, daughter? Qu sorpresaWhat a surprise! Qu vergenzaHow embarrassing. S, maestra, la entiendo muy bienYes, teacher, I understand you very well. Telenovelassoap operas, also novelas Thats truchathats great, swell To VictorUncle Victor Titi CarmenAunt Carmen Todava est enojadoHes still angry. tontitadummy T, cllateYou (informal), shut up. viejomy old man viejitolittle old man Ya est marcada. Nadie va querer casarse con ella Shes already stained (or damaged). No one will want to marry her. Ya vers, hija, todo saldr bienYoull see, hija. Everything will turn out right.

Gloria L. Velsquez states that she created the Roosevelt High School Series so that young adults of different ethnic background would find themselves visible instead of invisible. When I was growing up, there werent any books with characters with whom I could relate, characters that looked or talked like Maya, Juanita or Ankiza. The Roosevelt High School Series is my way of promoting cultural diversity as well as providing a forum for young people to discuss serious issues that impact their lives. I often will refer to the RHS Series as my Rainbow Series since I modeled it after Jesse Jacksons concept of the rainbow coalition. Velsquez has received numerous honors for her writings and Achievements such as being featured for Hispanic Heritage Month on KTLA, Channel 5, Los Angeles, an inclusion in Whos Who Among Hispanic Americans, as well as the new edition of Something About the Author. The 1997 anthology, Latina and Latino Voices in Literature for Teenagers and Children, devotes a chapter to Velasquezs life and development as a writer. In 1989, Velsquez became the first Chicana to be inducted into the University of Northern Colorados Hall of Fame. Stanford University recently honored Velsquez with The Gloria Velsquez Papers, archiving her life as a writer and humanitarian.

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