How I Perform My Gender: Being Feminine As I tried to figure out what song or image I could identify with, I struggled.

I looked at my playlist and went through every song. I ended up giving up on looking for song lyrics that I could help me define how I perform my gender and found an internet meme that workedsort of. I then started typing up this post, with Pandora turned on of course. Mid-way through, Meet Virginia by Train came on, and I realized as I was listening to the lyrics that I could relate to the type of woman Virginia was. Before I could even begin to relate myself to the songs lyrics, I had to look at myself and figure out how exactly I see myself. Ive come to realize that I have two parts that make up who I am, both of which are represented in the songs lyrics. I am a strong and independent woman, like Virginia who does what she wants, even When the moment is not right and Her timing is quite, unusual. I can do things on my own and am perfectly able to take care of myself. I also have a good role model who has shown me that I do not need a man in my life to take care of memy mom. My parents have been divorced for over ten years now, and my mom has never shown any interest in getting remarried. She likes doing what she wants when she wants; she has always been very independent and has taught me that I can be independent as well. I have had a job since I was sixteen years old, giving me the ability to pay for the things Ive wanted. I have never needed a man to pay for me. With past boyfriends, we always took turns paying for things on dates (mostly because both of us were pretty broke, and it was only fair). Ive never been in a relationship because I needed someone to take care of meits never been my mentality that I need to be dependent on someone. That all being said, the strong and independent part of me does not necessarily match my personality. Although I dont need to be taken care of and I can do things myself, I do believe I am a fairly traditional woman in that I still want that type of relationship and honestly cant wait to get married and have a family. Typical of a woman who wants to teach or be a mother, I am nurturing and caring, which is the first connection I felt with Virginiashe loves babies and surprises. As the lyrics state, just like me [she] hates to be alone; I do not need to be surrounded by people, but I do hate to be alone. Part of the song that I felt a strong connection to says that she wears high heels when she exercises because I also dress feminine and wear make-up every day. I feel naked in a sense if I am not wearing make-up. Just like the women in Sheila Jeffreyss article Making Up is Hard To Do, I wear make-up to make me feel more confident. I, like the other woman interviewed, dont like to look at myself in the mirror when I dont have it on (2005, p. 172). Although I dont exactly wear high heels when I exercise, I do feel that I have to wear make-up even though I know I will sweat it off to make me feel more confident. Like me, Virginia also struggles with self-esteem since her confidence is tragic. As far as my interactions with others, I feel that I am true to my gender and perform in a feminine way. Women tend to be more empathetic than men, mostly in intimate relationships more than interactions with strangers (Baumeister and Sommer, 1997). I am a very emotional woman, so I tend to empathize with others even if its characters on a TV show or my real-life friends. I also listen while others, male or female, talk. I tend to be more passive than I am dominant, as well, and dont usually take the lead. When I need help, I ask for it (especially when it comes to more masculine things like cars and electronics.) I dont mind showing others that I dont know how to

do everything. With those things in mind, I feel that I very much perform my gender while interacting with other people. This aspect of my gender identity matches up pretty well with my other identities. As a heterosexual woman living in our American society, I tend to fit in and conform, as Baumeister and Sommer have stated that women tend to do more than men (1997). Society, as well as my family, has definitely informed me of how I see myself. Society throws in your face what a woman should look and act like. Silvia Gherardi stated that the French use a term, bon ton, which efficiently sums up the ideal of what is "in tune," tasteful and in compliance with the dictates of etiquette (1994). I believe that is how our society views how women should act, and if they dont, they are essentially out of tune with society. My family has also shaped how I perform my gender, especially my stepmom. Growing up, I was always told to be a lady, that I should act like a lady. When I did not act as my gender should, I was told I was not being ladylike. To this day, my step -mom will joke that I am not acting like a lady; she also sends the same messages to my 3 year old niece. And for the most part, my gender performance is bon tonfor the most part. In Meet Virginia, Virginia doesnt own a dress/ her hair is always a mess which shows her somewhat out of tune with what society thinks she should look like. Across time, my gender identity and performances havent changed. I remember always wanting to dress up and also being quieter in my encounters with most people, including in the classroom. I feel like I do gender the same no matter who I am with, no matter the context. I will always act femininely and more passive no matter my situation because I believe that is just my personality. If I am with friends, I may be a little less passive so my voice can be heard, but I am generally still less dominant than most of my friends. I would like to retain my feminine qualities. I believe that is what makes me who I am. I like dressing up and looking good. I cant wait to have a family to take care of, and just like Virginia, I love babies and surprises. The only thing I would change is to be less passive. Im not entirely sure if it is a change to my gender identity or just my personality. Unfortunately, it is hard to differentiate between aspects of my gender identity and my personality. This change is desirable because I feel that if I had more confidence in my voice and letting it be heard, then I could help get more things done. That is not to say that I wont fight for something I truly believe in. In this instance, I would like to be more like Virginia who never compromises. The change from passive to more dominant would change my gender identity from more of a quiet, feminine one to more of a dominant identity that more males identify with. My gender identity, overall, does not fit a mold. I may conform to some of societys expectationswearing make-up, dresses, and acting in tune with its rules of etiquettebut I also refuse to be dependent on a man and be anything but his equal partner. And although I have things I would change about how I do gender, Im not worried about how people will judge my performance because, after describing some of Virginias imperfections, the singer still cant wait to Meet Virginia. Aint it beautiful?

Key Terms: gender, gender identity, doing gender, femininity, music, Train

References: Baumeister, R. F., & Sommer, K. L. (1997). What do men want? Gender differences and two spheres of belongingness: Comment on Cross and Madson (1997). Psychological Bulletin, 122(1), 38-44. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.122.1.38. Retrieved from http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/bul/122/1/38.html Gherardi, S. (1994). The gender we think, the gender we do in our everyday organizational lives. Human Relations, 47(6), 591. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/231461839?accountid=11667 Jeffreys, Sheila. (2005). Making up is hard to do [Review of Beauty and Misogyny: Harmful Cultural Practices in the West, by Jay Thompson]. Copyright 2005 by Psychology Press. Meet Virginia Lyrics. (n.d.). Lyrics.net. Retrieved from http://www.lyrics.net/sublyric/969.