I at first thought it was a memory related to the senses, a faint smell perhaps left behind to bring about the

perfumes of tomorrow, a colorful mirage of my past designed to influence my future, or by chance a dream I had confused with my own reality; what I had not realized was it was my reality of tomorrow. As far back as I can remember I always thought the perception I had on life, or the world around us, was not what was taught through our society norms. Before I was weighted by the morals of religion, destined by our educational system, or slated by the opinions of others I always had an inkling there was more to this artificial and superficial bubble we call a modern society. To my own naive ignorance and insecurities however, I was privy, like many of you, to falling prey to these ideas and opinions people in the world today hold to be true and valuable. Following that my skewed view of reality was just that, skewed, enough so that I was shielded from being open and absorbing of the spiritual, metaphysical, and cosmological waves enveloping us every day. As a child of a Catholic family and religious educational foundation, I was provided a one way highway to heaven that had minimal exits let alone rest stops. I never doubted faith or a higher power, but I always had a feeling there wasnt a need for certain aspects to religions or practices that made me relate their ideals to unnecessary devotion. At the same time I never considered my thoughts of our existence beyond this life or plane at the ripe old elementary age to be related to actual sciences. Many kids think they find themselves shortly after puberty hits spilling over into high school when their chemically changing bodies become their own; but their inflated sense of self due to their external influences is not always their personal peak. Moving along through a parental divorce while shifting schools from a K-8 Catholic School, to a new public high school, I thought my identity and character was tested and shaped through knowledge and experiences known to be as the best time of your life. Shortly after this amazing rollercoaster however this person I had found myself to become began to fade away not before my eyes, but in my
1

consciousness. I thought I had become confident with sticking to my morals, creating relationships and friends that I always thought I could count on, and being the person I thought others wanted me to be. Near the end of this realization I found a mental fork in the road, a wishbone with no luck at either end, and an idea that my nostalgic views on the world may have actually had some merit. What was the cost? What was this change I visibly saw influencing my persona? In the words of Alice in Wonderland, I lost my ness or my muchness. I started exploring my mind and imagination while disregarding aspects and duties of functioning routines. I found it difficult to be the social person I had comfortably become, I didnt know how or why, I just did. I immersed myself in art and music instead, helping to let go of inhibitions that would usually happen during nerve-racking social situations. This anxiety of certain interactions resulted in a loss or distorted view of self that made me question who I was. Does this sound like a mid-twenties pre or post grad breakdown? Maybe. However my focus is not on how you feel due to what you have or have not accomplished, it is down to questioning every part of our being formed from the stars. Ive never been a fan of this track or plan we all have laid out for us from the moments of conception. Go to school, then more school, then higher learning, pick a career, get married, buy a house, have kids, work some more, retire (if youre lucky), and die. Am I against education, and what it can do for you? Definitely not, but am I against a one track view of life and all that is? Yes. Aristotle said, It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Why must it be so difficult to see someone elses point of view? My rebellion may come from the 8 years of Catholicism politely shoved down my throat, but I think there is a lot more to this so called life. I remember as a child I always pondered what was before us, our earth, this universe, but anytime I thought of posing these questions to my peers (playground friends) or family (mom and dad know all) I wasnt sure exactly how to phrase it. I
2

pictured our globe on a string, essentially, with the universe around us never ending, but being portrayed like it had been painted onto a blank canvas. As much as I appreciated the beauty of that cosmic vision I wanted to know what that blank canvas was. Catholic school taught me that God created the world in seven days. So then, for curiosities sake I wondered before God and heaven what was there? For the past few years I have had a fascination with science and history channel shows like How the Universe Works, The Planets, Ancient Aliens, Into the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman, and any scientific show I can set my eyes on; many of which have a standing theory. Before the celestial big bang there was a steaming ball of gases and elements that with extremely heated energy helped spark the outward accelerating big bang. People have always tried to separate science and religion, or church and state for that matter, however I like to look at the in between that has explanations from both beliefs. Some may think I sound like a 20 something year old hippy searching for spirituality or a higher consciousness because I dont want to actually believe in something. That is not the case, may I be confused and interested into certain areas of different belief systems, then yes who isnt? I appreciate the linkages between concepts in different religions and followings, including unexplained and misinterpreted meanings from ancient times. Beyond my belief in God I believe in love and light, the healing power of crystals and wavelengths, other universes, the ancient areas in the mountains like The Grand Tetons, the Akashic Record holding every souls journey, and that past, present, and future souls journey increasing their awareness with each life. I do appreciate many areas of my Catholic background, for even though it gives some a closed minded view, it allowed me to have an open one. I dont take the religious aspect of my education for granted, or sound like I am trying to disregard its integrity, for it did give me a thorough education, and allowed me to see there is a higher power. After experiences and

misfortunes with different kinds of people though, it showed me the type of person I didnt want to be, and made me more aware of myself and my surroundings. Ive always been perceptive to the world around me, but later on I became more conscious of myself and how the universe plays a role in what many people relate to karma, the circle of life, or the phrase such a small world when you see someone, somewhere, unexpected. Our beings are much more than we think they are, which is why we have always been obsessed with understanding the soul. Scientists in the early 1900s tried to weigh the human soul without success, some see it connected to themselves on a silver string, some see it as their light being, others only relate it to religion, and some believe in past, present, and future lives for that soul. Over time through reading books and articles, watching specials and documentaries, and building knowledge from someone spiritually inclined close to me, what I have learned is that we are ethereal beings generated from the materials from the stars that come to earth, where each life we have brings us a step closer to higher consciousness and enlightenment. Is this so different from a heavenly body above, where each persons life choices tries to take them to a higher loving understanding of each other to eventually ascend back into heaven upon death? Considering how long the earth has been around, and with as large a universe that we have, I find it hard to believe that we only have one life to live, and that we are the only planet with intelligent life. This disbelief many hold onto that there isnt anything out there besides our world, and a dominant religion to explain it, in my mind embodies a persona of Americans egotistical belief that they can rule the world where there isnt a better policy or approach to power out there besides their own. It illustrates to me how people around the world think extra-terrestrials and UFOs are just a hoax. My response would be that they probably still think the sun is the center of the universe, and the world is flat. Why is it out of the question to question all of these standard rules and regulations? Would it really be that
4

much of a shocker to the world that we arent the biggest players on the field? That is, America in a global perspective, and the globe in a universal one. Why must governments and officials think they need to hide vital information from the public because we cant handle it? Our mass media is corrupted, our foreign policies and invasions are often unnecessary, governments all over the world restrict information and internet access to their people, large corporations and wealthy families indecently run parts of our nation and the world only in order to keep their influx of money, and our government creates classified information and bases to hide intelligence which ultimately only makes me question why. Arent we supposed to be an advanced civilization living in a developed world? Or like Leonardo da Vinci and the church are we still needing to hide our discoveries from the authorities in place evidently hiding the truth? As in the words of Stephen R Covey I believe we should seek first to understand, then to be understood. This was my downfall during progression through young adulthood, I sought first to be understood, while I put my nudging mind at rest that sought to understand. The first test I faced defining the person I was going to be was the transition between middle school and high school; which for me was a doozey. I was a quiet, shy, and sensitive Catholic girl unaware of how she fit in, or who she was to be to the people around her. My parents had just gotten a divorce, one of my best friends moved out of state, most of my friends chose to continue their religious education at the local Catholic high school, and I evidently chose to be the new girl in a new social environment. At the time I probably convinced myself the uniforms were the culprit, and that I needed a change made capable by a new home and school district. Even then I wasnt sure exactly why I chose a different path than my peers. I think subconsciously I knew though, I knew I needed to get away from a curriculum based upon something I didnt fully understand or believe. I knew that having faith and a belief system was important, but did it have to be the mandatory focus and only way? I knew that my
5

friends were great people, but they might not be who I was always meant to surround myself with. I knew that even though uniforms were meant to shroud financial standings, they actually brought out the class gaps more so than without them. I knew enough to subconsciously make me search for a new light at the end of the tunnel, while consciously changing zip codes, school districts, and friend zones. In the wake of this mental cluster I was unaware of how to dive into the social ocean from the conservative pond I migrated from. Being able to finally pick out an outfit for the first day of school should have seemed like a highlight to a young girl, but it wasnt, not when I was dreading how I was going to make friends as a quiet, less than wealthy, girl from outside the city. Growing up in a neighborhood down the street from your classmates is one way children learn how to interact with each other outside of school. You play outside, wreak havoc, make mistakes, grass stain your pants, learn morals, make mud pies; you understand how to make new friends. As a child I never got to experience this to the full extent, I lived on four acres in a small town outside of the city, I went to private school ten minutes away, I did play sports year round with classmates, but I didnt know any kids in walking distance. I wouldnt trade my childhood for anything though, being able to run around and play outside gave me an appreciation for nature while also having to tend to it through weekly chores. I welcome the sound of crickets at night, the taste of well water, dark skies for star gazing, the smell of our orchard, and the endless woods bent and twisted into my own fort. I had a very strong family unit growing up, and my grandparents cottage up north on Lake Michigan was our safe haven. Living in a neighborhood surrounded by friends at a young age would have been a great developmental experience, but spending time with a large family surrounded by trees, grass, and water can also teach you many things. However, this lack of time on the juvenile jungle gym may have contributed to my shy nature. This invisible insecure wall has followed me all of my life, but didnt take a temporary back seat until I reached about

the middle of high school. Upon entering the 4 year institution I wasnt sure how Id fit in since everyone there had gone to school together since elementary age; and most had lived in the same neighborhoods growing up. Should I make one friend and follow the logic of all of her friends, On Wednesdays we wear pink (Mean Girls)? Do I try to make friends with different girls until I find the group similar to me? Or do I assimilate in any way possible since this was a public school and new territory for me? I found I dabbled as a wall flower before realizing none of those approaches applied, and that The Breakfast Clubs show and tell tactic may have had the right idea. People dont, and shouldnt always, attract themselves to those most similar to them. Opposites attract like protons and electrons, and when they collide sparks can fly. Consequently people don't always have to stick with their group bubble, because people from outside of your comfort zone can give you diverse views of yourself and the world. This isnt an easy task, to defy what you know and befriend something foreign to you, but most times it is beneficial to both parties. It took years, and a few friend groups for me to find that I would be friends with the true beautiful people I was supposed to be. These people are the ones that helped break me out of my shell; helped me be a more vocal person. This took time, because I went from playing sports year round in grade school in attempts to submerge myself in a social atmosphere that only helped produce competition, to playing no role in a new environment looking for cooperation as baby in the corner. Once comfortably set with amazing people around me however, I embraced my new kid on the block suit and used it to propel myself away from childhood stereotypes peers tend to hold onto. Somewhere along switching lanes between high school and college though I forgot my turn signal. I pulled my emergency brake on an unconscious black ice that would permeate my being for years to come. In my prime I used to pride myself on my freedom of speech, my filter free advice, or my verbal word vomit, but somewhere along the way I lost ability to fully iterate what was going
7

on inside. I became the inception of day dreamers, the side door lucid dreamer, or the rain man of mental scrabble. I found it difficult to initiate even a simple hello, and overtime the only way I could properly get out my ideas without initial scrutiny was through art, writing, and vices. I dont know when but during my adolescent venture into young adulthood my insecurities resulted in a lack of communication; a fundamental foundation to any relationship in life. People can interpret silence in many ways, but may be wrong about what it means. In the words of Dale Carnegie, Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complainand most fools do. When dealt with a stone cold face like mine then silence is usually interpreted as an individual judgment of whatever is going on. However I dont like to judge a book by its cover, and I wish others had the decency not to as well. During uncomfortable situations, when meeting new people, day dreaming, or even when a complex idea pops up out of the blue into my head I tend to be very silent and expressionless. Silence for me can also be used as a defense mechanism in response to unsettling approaches, just like people like to say those who get picked on often bully others in response as their coping mechanism. Given my previous identity information this confusion of expressions happens fairly often, and I can remember the days when this never happened. While given the norms to happiness and friendly nature I know that I very regularly get misinterpreted due to this silence and lack of Batmans the joker style smile frozen on my face. However like the amazing Albert Einstein said, Be a loner. That gives you time to wonder, to search for the truth. Have holy curiosity. Make your life worth living. I find it more often than not that I tend to accidently disregard those around me when uncomfortable, and dive into my own lobes or hemispheres than choose when to let someone in. I learned long ago it seemed easier, while trying to follow a conversation in the room, to instead actually follow the human interactions at play.

See I never was enthralled by small talk, and that is mainly because I am bad at it. I am not a fan of talking about the dreary day to day of school and work that follow the one track life plan. If I had a dollar for every time a peer or elder asked me-where do I work, Do I go to school, whats my major, and what will that major do for me- then I wouldnt have to work at that place and take out loans for that education. For instance, I was talking with a nice gentleman at the bar recently, and he was telling me and my father about his children. In summing up each child I was provided their age, and then given their age I was told how long it took each of them to complete college; this is what I dislike. It seems it has always been common place to define a person by their maturity, education level, class, and marital status throughout history instead of their character, personality, and what they do for the world. During the conversation considering his pleasant demeanor I expected a response like, my oldest is down in Florida doing what she loves helping others through her degree in social work. Instead of that he smirked, slurped down a flat beer, and said, Shes 28, in social work, and it took her 7 years to graduate. I know that when explaining my layered onion like self my father would not say, Well, shes 24 and is finally graduating with a Bachelors Degree this year from a University; but shell be 25 by then. Instead I know it would be something along the lines of, Considering she got a hefty amount of my genes, she may be in trouble but she is smart, smarter than me in fact; she has the creative visual side it takes to go past the sciences and my usual sight. She has the best parts of both me and her mother, and I couldnt be prouder regardless of what she makes of herself. I know who she is. My mother would agree and probably say, Youre a tough cookie with a big heart, but you dont always let people see it. At the same time you dont put up with any crap. The people that made you, are the people that know you; but everyone goes through their own personal fight and transformation. Instead of the typical belittling topics of day to day life discussions I would rather enjoy conversations

about alternative thinking, energies and feelings, space, art and geometry, music, and anything metaphysical. Much like my universal globe and string idea, when dealing with unfavorable topics I tend to delve into my own minds idea and are afraid of others reactions to some awarenesss that I would prefer to talk about. Have you ever seen the movie The Truman Show? If you have, then my question is, have you ever felt a small fraction of that set of eyes on you feeling? Or the feeling that youre on a set full of actors responding to your actions, not just strolling through life unnoticed. Walking into a situation where all eyes are on you, how do you feel? Lets say youre late for work or class, your seat or cubicle is half way from the door disturbing most of those around you. Your wandering eyes and rosy cheeks only heighten your anxious energy to those prying eyes observing the disturbance. Perhaps if you turned around, everyone staring at you would quickly look away and go back to their tasks like a set of actors breaking from character. This feeling doesnt just follow those with low self-esteem or insecure tendencies, anyone can feel as if they dont belong even for a split second. I had a guest speaker a few months back in a communication class who is dyslexic, and his speech about dealing with dyslexia was almost a jumbled piece of art that spoke to you. He talked about what every person is usually afraid to say when looking back at peer situations. He asked if any of us were the type of person that were at one time or another afraid to answer a question in class, afraid to read out loud for fear of saying a word wrong, afraid of being out spoken in a group, afraid of volunteering for activities, afraid of people looking to you for answers, afraid that your classmates can hear your heart beating while giving a presentation, and so on. I think that regardless of their confidence or intelligence level, almost every hand in that room was raised at least half way in agreeance. I have a tendency to over think situations, but I think this showed that everyone at some point questions their role in a given peer situation before making
10

their next move whether it be an opposing viewpoint, silence, a disheartening gesture, or a welcoming hug. Its impossible to please everyone, and if you try to do so then youre doing something wrong. It is easy however as a human trait to get mixed up in trying to be accepted or appreciated. Many people think that everyone has to like them, and subsequently that no one can hate them. It reminds me of ranch dressing, in a sense that most people either love or hate the stuff; there usually isnt a happy medium. However life, relationships, and self-worth do not have to be based upon one hundred percent love or less from external people and pressures. You can embrace luke warm acceptances from others, because even though you have nothing to prove to them, it gives you the opportunity to sway their opinion; essentially prove them wrong. I think it is important to have haters, not in the sense of hateful directed anger, but in the sense of someone thinking you may not be capable of doing something when you know you can. Beating the odds, becoming the underdog, showing yourself what you can do is more important than believing others views of what you cant do. I read an article recently that was about a mom with an autistic son who decided to not listen to the doctors when they said he would never speak. She ignored the special education programs that tried to teach him things they said he couldnt learn. Instead she trusted her instincts, and her son, allowing her to home school him with the path he showed passion in. She noticed he enjoyed looking at the light through objects like a glass cup, so she indulged him with many glass cups full of water so he could learn and teach himself what he was seeing. He is now 15 years old, can speak, is measured to have an IQ higher than Einsteins, and is in the running for the Nobel Prize for theoretical physics. He defied the medical, physical, and mental barriers other set before him, and he is an inspiration for the educational approaches for autism. His mother didnt try to make him follow the usual standards, instead she actively went against strong
11

recommendations from professionals and peers while taking scrutiny for it at the same time. It is important sometimes to go with your gut, and go against the grain of societal procedures. When dealing with people this can also be the case, one shouldnt always try to agree with others to be doing what is viewed as the acceptable thing. There is research on group responses that show the majority will follow the incorrect answer given by the few, to be accepted by the many, to not risk the chance of being singled out as the only one wrong. Nobody wants to be the ugly duckling, or the black sheep, but that doesnt mean you need to drink from the same fountain of knowledge as everyone else. Its important to be weird, original, different, and unique to explore diverse ideas to keep that colorful character shining through. Having a curious mind doesnt necessarily mean you always use it for the right reasons, or to its potential. If youre Stephen Hawking, then you know the value of it, but if not then you may set it aside with your other lost marbles. A conscious mind can take a step back and view the scene from all vantage points. Just like an artist needs to view its full canvas by seeing the bigger picture, people need to take a step back to view their situational circumstances, and ask themselves, in the words of Leigh Anne Tuohy from The Blindside, Is this me? I used to think when I was almost 18, closing in on high school graduation, that naturally I was an adult meaning I could do and make adult decisions. Shortly after high school into the beginning of college that ignorant invincibility cloak we wear as reckless teenagers begins to fade at the realization that were biological beings. We begin to wake up to the truths of our world, and try to figure out what that means for us. I was mistaken in thinking I knew how the world worked at a young age, and Ive noticed this transition of thoughts and actions in young adults has common themes. Sometime before, during, or after the blur of keg parties on the weekends, the all night cram sessions at the library, or the 3:00 a.m. delivery calls for pizza when the Ramen noodles run out, we eventually realize this is not a continuously healthy lifestyle.
12

Eventually adolescents, and those young adults gaining on a quarter of a century old, start showing conscious changes in their mental and physical wellbeing. Shortly before that piece of paper you earn that says youre officially an adult after spending more than you might make in your first years salary to get, people start to value eating healthy, working out, and going green while trying to find a place to put their carbon footprint. You think the pressure is on when you enter college, and you have to pick a major to serve a particular career for the rest of your life, but when the time comes youre supposed to know exactly who you are, and where to go? What about everything that has changed during that short time? Are your ideas, friends, home, and values the same as they were 4 years ago? 10 years ago? Do you still tell your parents Mommy I want to be an astronaut, fire fighter, or movie star when youre all grown up? If mine have changed, and Ive changed, how can I make such rash decisions lacking solid ground? Now that Im of age to be an adult in the real world I realize that the answer to Leigh Annes question is, I dont know. Getting your degree means you can leave home, or return home from student housing, and you can start a new job since career hunting should have begun months prior to it. They say its supposed to mean you know who you are as a person while youre choosing a career path that will design, if not define, the rest of your life. I, on the other hand moved out right after high school, have supported myself with two jobs all throughout college, and understand the meaning of preservation, production, and perseverance. I may not be living in the real world according to some, but I have definitely not been living under a rock. Basking in societys daylight has shed new light on what it all means to me, and what is important in life. Im not quite sure exactly what job I want to pick based on my versatile major, because I want to actually do something for others and the world we live in instead of following the 9-5 herd. I know I dont want to be a nurse or doctor in a health care system run by big pharm, I know I dont want to be a lawyer-my childhood dream- in an unjust

13

system, I know I dont want any position following a political agenda, Im not a rocket scientist, and Im not cut out to be a teacher, so where does that leave me? Im not a fortune teller so I cant see the future, but I dont mind delving into the unknown. The search for the unknown is a universal phenomenon, people have always tried to search for answers in uncharted territory. We explore space, and the universe, not only in attempts to understand what is out there but also to understand how it got there. We have a fascination with life after death, and with death itself. Sadly enough when people have heard someone has passed away their first response is their condolences, and their next response is usually in the form of a question inquiring how it happened. We have a curiosity for the future of our human race, and have no problem crutching on apocalyptic and zombie infested predictions. It seems it is almost in our nature to expect the worst, but search for the truth. Seeing is believing for many, and what they cant see they cant explain. I cant see what is in store for me ahead, but I dont need proof or an explanation to guide me in the right direction. I take into account all that I now know about our societal system, government, nation, world, and universe in hopes of steering me clear of the mundane life plan many seem to cherish.

14

15