Possible Comedic Monologues DETROIT by Lisa DAmour SHARON: Kenny you are not going to believe this.

I am fucking losing it - do you see me? I am losing it! It was the pink jogging suit lady. At our door! Only she wasn't wearing a pink jogging suit, she was wearing shorts and a blue T-shirt. And she came over to ask us politely - sort of - politely if we could keep our dog from shitting on her lawn. WE DON'T HAVE A DOG. Exactly. And so I said to her, politely, I said, ''We don't have a dog" and she said, "Yes you do have a dog and it is quite fond of taking craps on my lawn." "Quite fond." Like slicing a razor blade across my face - "quite fond." And I said, "Lady, do you want to come in my house? We've got NOTHING in our house, especially a DOG. Especially we do not have a DOG." And she said, "Listen, missy." FUCKING MISSY! "Listen, missy. I've lived in this neighborhood for six years, and I jog every morning. This dog appeared out of nowhere and started crapping on my lawn. I'm not asking you to get rid of it, I'm just asking you to clean up his crap." And I practically started crying - look at me I'm crying now-and I said, "Ma'am, people have accused me of many things before, but they have never accused me of having a dog. You need to investigate further, you need to knock on other doors-" And she said - her voice changed and she said, "Look, if it craps on my lawn one more time, I am calling the police" and I said, "Are you. kidding? The police are going to fucking LAUGH IN YOUR FACE if you call them about some dogshit." And she said, "AHA! So you DO have a DOG!" And I said, "No, no, no, no, no fucking NO there is no dog here, lady!" And she just shook her head and kind of kicked our plant and said, "Ha, I thought it was fake." And turned around. I mean FUCK, Kenny, FUCK. This is like FUCKED UP. (SHARON sees BEN) What the fuck happened? NAOMI IN THE LIVING ROOM by Christopher Durang NAOMI: And this is the living room. The dining room is where we dine. The bedroom is where we go to bed. The laundry room is where we do laundry. And the living room is where Hubert and I do all of our living. Our major living. So thats the living room.

Possible Comedic Monologues Please, sit down, dont let my manner make you uncomfortable. Sit on one of the sitting devices, we use them for sitting in the living room. DONT SIT THERE. I WANT TO SIT THERE!!! Jerks! Ingrates! Its my house, its my living room. I can ask you to leave! (calling off) Leonard! Oh Leonard. Come on in here in the living room and have some conversation with us. You dont want me to soak up everything our son says all by myself, do you? (To her daughter-in-law) You probably didnt know John was Leonards and my son, did you? SHUT UP!! Goodness, my mood switch quickly. Tell me all about yourselves, do you have children? Uh huh, uh huh. Isnt that interesting? Excuse me if I fall asleep. Im not tired yet, but I just want to apologize in advance in case your boring talk puts me to sleep. I dont want to offend you. (Screams) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Im just so bored I could scream. Did you ever hear that expression? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Really, children these days have no sense. In my day we killed them. Stop talking about your children/ I heard you the first time. God, some people cant get over their own little personal tragedies, what a great big crashing boor. Lots of people have it worse girlie! Boy, you cant take criticism, can you? Insane? Ill give you insane! Whats the capital of Madagascar? You dont know, do you? Now whos insane? Whats the square root of 347? You dont know, do you? Well, get out of here, if you think Im so crazy. I dont want you here. I can have Christmas by myself. I can burn the Yule log by myself, I can wait for Santa by myself. I can pot geraniums I can buy a gun in a store and shoot you. By myself! Leave here. I dont need you, and youre dead!! (They leave, Naomi cries enormous heartfelt sobs, when they subside, she is like an infant with a new thought and she seems to be fairly contented.) Well, that was a nice visit.

JAKES WOMEN by Neil Simon MAGGIE: Well, unfortunately, it wasnt mine, either. For as long as I can remember, I was molded and shaped in the form of somebody elses concept of a woman, never mine. The church taught it to me, parochial schools taught it to me, my mother, my

Possible Comedic Monologues father,God, you couldnt get out of the Midwest without its stamp of approval. I was taught to be a good girl, a wife and a mother but never a person. You could be a carbon copy but dont mess with being an original. Thats what you married eight years ago, Jake. A good girl. As good and as obedient as my mother, never suspecting, of course, that it was three martinis a day that kept her obedient...and then one day I woke up and said to myself, "I dont want to be anyones concept of me except me...not even Jakes"...You are so important to me, but youre also so consumed with creating your own images and characters, planning every detail in their life, molding them and shaping them into your creations, your concepts. And I said, "Jesus, I just left all this in Michigan, what do I want it in New York for?"...and the minute I tried to step out on my own, to try to be someone I created, that I controlled, you made me pay so dearly for it. You made me feel like a plagiarist....and so one day in Chicago, I let myself become a very bad little. Girl. The next morning I looked in the mirror and sure didnt like what I saw. But I saw the possibility of becoming someone who would have to be accepted on I her terms and certainly not someone who was considered a rewrite of someone else. And until you begin to see me, Jake, my Maggie, I am getting out of this house, out of this life and out of your word processor...I may be making the biggest mistake of my life but at least itll be mine...Dear Lord, Creator of the Universe, forgive. And if not, not.

SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU by Christopher Durang Sister Mary: (reads) Are you ever sorry you became a nun? I am never sorry I became a nun. (reads) It used to be a mortal sin to eat meat on Fridays, and now it isn't. Does that mean that people who ate meat on Fridays back when it was a sin are in hell? Or what? People who ate meat on Fridays back when it was a mortal sin are indeed in hell if they did not confess the sin before they died. If they confessed it, they are not in hell, unless they did not confess some other mortal sin they committed. People who would eat meat on Fridays back in the 50s tended to be the sort who would commit other mortal sins, so on a guess, I bet many of them are in hell for other sins, even if they did confess

Possible Comedic Monologues the eating of meat. (reads) What exactly went on in Sodom? Who asked me this question? I'm going to talk about Sodom a bit. To answer your question, Sodom is where they committed acts of homosexuality and bestiality in the Old Testament, and God, infuriated by this, destroyed them all in one fell swoop. Modern day Sodoms are New York City, San Francisco, Amsterdam, Los Angeles,... well, basically anywhere where the population in over 50,000. The only reason that God has not destroyed these modern day Sodoms is that Catholic nuns and priests live in these cities, and God does not wish to destroy them. He does, however, give these people body lice and hepatitis. It's so hard to know why God allows wickedness to flourish. I guess it's because God wants man to choose goodness freely of his own free will; sometimes one wonders if free will is worth all the trouble if there's going to be so much evil and unhappiness, but God knows best, presumably. If it were up to me, I might be tempted to wipe out cities and civilizations, but luckily for New York and Amsterdam, I'm not God. (reads) Tell us some more about your family. I had 26 brothers and sisters. From my family 5 became priests, 7 became nuns, 3 became brothers, and the rest of them were institutionalized. My mother was also institutionalized shortly after she started thinking my father was Satan. Some days when we were little, we'd come home and not be able to find our mother and we'd pray to St. Anthony to help us find her. Then when wed find her with her head in the oven, we would pray to St. Jude to make her sane again. Are all our prayers answered? Yes, they are; what people who ask that question often dont realize is that sometimes the answer to our prayer is "no." Dear God, please make my mother not be crazy. Gods answer: no. Dear God, please let me recover form cancer. Gods answer: no. Dear God, please take away this toothache. Gods answer: alright, but youre going to be run over by a car. But every bad thing that happens to us, God has a special reason for. God is the good shepherd, we are His flock. And if God is grouchy or busy with more important matters, his beloved mother Mary is always there to intercede for us. I shall now sing the Hail Mary in Latin.

CHARGE

Possible Comedic Monologues A monologue from the play by Eric Kaiser MARTHA: In the beginning, I am mean and greedy and selfish. This is symbolized by three things, A: There is a half-finished sculpture of an angel in my garage. B: There is a hungry little boy that sleeps on my doorstep every night that I call the police on. And C: I have a dying father that I haven't talked to in years. Then one day I see the error of my ways. I don't know how, I don't know. But I see it. Then: [Pause, a little smile.] The song comes on. And in the three minute duration of this song. I make all of the changes I need to in my life. They are symbolized by A: I finish the angel sculpture in my garage, and incidentally it is a masterpiece. B: I feed the little hungry boy on my porch, I bring him in the home and incidentally he becomes a senator and loves me. And finally C: I call my Father and tears stream from our eyes as we tell each other we love one another, and incidentally moments later he dies. But I tell him in time. And then moments later all is right in the world and this is symbolized by an ambient, light that my soul generates. [She is choked up.] Excuse me. Excuse me. It's just so dramatic. I do all that in the duration of a three minute song. It frustrates me so that I can't change like that. It is amazing how the people whose stories are told by movies, during the duration of one song, can switch their whole life around. I want a dramatic life like that.

SCUBA LESSONS A monologue from the play by Joseph Zeccola KELLY: Did you ever wake up and know it was gonna be your day? I did. Today. First time. I woke up five minutes before my alarm went off. The sun was shining, the birds chirping, I felt warm all over and then... ... I read my horoscope. Today is your day!!! What you dreamed about becomes real. Romance figures prominently. Musical notes involved. Okay--I dont get the musical notes thing either--but thats not the point. The point is it said today is my day. And it has been--all day!!! I got on the scale--I was five pounds thinner, and that was after getting out of the shower. On my way out the door, my manager tells me hes going to fix the broken closet in my apartment I reported six months ago. Normally I wouldnt believe it, because I have rotten luck. But

Possible Comedic Monologues Ive had this feeling all day. And thats leaving out the best part of my horoscope: Romance figures Prominently. [She looks around the cafe.] Hes not here yet. Martin. My date. Actually its a blind date. Both Dan and I have blind dates tonight. Which would normally scare me. To tell the truth I was terrified. Until this morning. I know, I know--what are the odds of finding Mr. Right on a blind date? I mean, someone who would count on that is an optimist, at best. At worst ... well--lets not go there. Im being an optimist. I have faith. You know my luck is actually worse with men. Until recently Ive been convinced I have bad guy-karma. Which is why I told Dan to meet his date here, too. I had a friend at work set us up. Raul. Hes gay. We decided to meet our dates at the same place just in case they were ugly. If I knew my day was gonna be like this, I would have told him to fend for himself. [Notices a mug on the merchandise rack. She picks it up.] Do you see what I mean?!! This is my favorite painting on this coffee mug. I was in here two days ago and they didnt have this mug. This is like some giant cosmic accident. Its fate. Did I tell you I found a parking space in less than five minutes. My favorite painting. "The Scream." Dan says only freaks like that painting. I think only tactless jerks call their friends freaks. [Looks over to DAN and RAYNE.] It looks like the jerks doing okay so far. He hasnt pissed her off yet. She looks okay. Seems a little thin for Dan though. Hes Italian, they like those buxom women. Or at least he does. And he thinks he speaks for every guinea on the planet. He doesnt like it when I call him a guinea. [Short pause] Guinea. Oh. Thats Dan. He likes me. But were not. No. I mean hes sweet. We always do stuff like this together. Well not like this. We do things. We go to the movies. We go for walks--in the park or mountains. Sometimes we even hold hands. Sometimes we come here and get coffee. Well he gets coffee. I dont like coffee. Or tea. Actually I hate tea; but, were just friends. Its hard to explain. Dan and I ... ... we just--we wouldnt get along. We bicker constantly. Dan calls me the ex-wife he never wanted. I call him evidence to the need for artificiali nsemination. [Pause.] Hes really not that bad. Hes just that bad for me. Dan just needs to find a woman who isnt annoyed by him. And who isnt meeting her soulmate tonight.

Possible Comedic Monologues

A monologue from the book "This Will Not Look Good on My Resume Jass Richards Brett: One day, while I was watching Jenny's kinderdance class from the back of the studio, perched on a small chair with the rest of the mothers or mother-substitutes, the teacher had to suddenly leave. "Would you take over for a moment, please?" she said to me, rushing out. Serves me right for sitting closest to the door. Okay. Sure. How hard can this be? I stood in front of the class. "All right, let's try a simple step-together-step-touch," I said, demonstrating, moving to the right, and then to the left. And forgetting for the moment that they had probably just learned how to walk. Forward. I was now expecting them to dance. Sideways. A glance in the mirror tipped me off. One went down. Then another. And a third. Ohhh, that had to hurt. The fourth watched speculatively, chubby legs planted firmly, thumb in her mouth. It refused to try the step. It was destined for great things in life. Okay, I thought, I'm no Bob Fosse, I'm not obsessed with that particular step, my choreography can do without it. "Good," I said after the three casualties had regained an erect posture, "Very good." (I knew the importance of positive feedback it was in Power Training! after all.) "How about just a step-touch, step-touch, step-touch," I exaggerated the step, moving from side to side. Interestingly, all of them got it almost immediately. Well, the step part anyway. They weren't having anything to do with the touch part. They all just started rocking stifflegged from side to side. A few glanced with furtive pride to the back Look Ma, I'm a dancin' fool! 'Course, none of them were in time with the music. Well then, let's work on our rhythm. I put on what would become one of my dog s favourites. "Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road." "Let's all clap in time to the music," I said with enthusiasm, clapping in time to the

Possible Comedic Monologues music. They tried. It sounded like an erratic echo chamber. One loud clap mine on beat one, and a bunch of tiny echo claps scattered haphazardly among the microbeats of the rest of the bar. Quite a neat effect, actually. I then noticed that a few had hands that kept missing each other. Coordination! Of course! I'm sure that's also in the lesson plan! So when they had tired of clapping, fourteen seconds into the song, I said, "Okay, everyone, let's try something else. Put your arms out straight. Now close your eyes and touch your nose with the second finger of your right hand." Drunks, the whole lot of them. Especially the few who fell down as soon as they had closed their eyes.

RECKLESS, by Craig Lucas. Rachel: I think Im more excited than they are. I really do. I think we just have kids so we can tell them all about Santa Claus and have an excuse to believe it ourselves again. I really do. They are so excited. I remember that feeling so clearly. I didnt think I could ever sleep. And I remember pinching myself and pinching myself to stay awake so I could hear the reindeers footsteps, you know? I wanted to believe it so badly. I think that was the last year I did . . . . Oh god . . . is it still snowing? Why dont you turn the sound up? Oh, its coming down like crazy. You can hear it, cant you? When it gets deep like this? It just swallows up all the sound and you feel like youve been wrapped up in the hands of a big, sweet, giant, white . . . monster. Hes going to carry us away into a dream. My family always had champagne first thing before we opened our presents I mean in the morning, you know: I always loved that. I felt like such an adult having champagne and I remember saying to my mother the bubbles in the champagne looked like snow if you turned your head upside down. I remember thinking that I wanted to live in Alaska because it always snowed and Santa was up there, so it must always be Christmas if it always snowed . . . Youre my Santa Claus. And our two elves.

Possible Comedic Monologues Im having one of my euphoria attacks. I think Im going to be terminally happy, youd better watch out, its catching. Highly contagious . . . . Whats the matter? Just sleepy?

Lives of the Great Waitresses Nina Shengold/ Kay Kay: You either got it or you dont. If you dont, you wont ever. So dont even bother. Dont strain. Oh, theres things you can learn, sure. The fine points. The stance. Heat that up for you?Toasted? But honey -scratch that, make it hon- a truly great waitress is born. You get what I mean? Its a feel thing. Deep under the bones of your bones. In your cells. Some reporter once asked Louis Armstrong what swing meant. Louis looked at the guy straight in the eyeball and said, If you gotta ask, youll never know.He wouldve made a great waitress. My very first diner, we had one. Flo Kelly. A goddess in Supp-hose. Flo was all waitress. She could fill two dozen shakers one handed and never spill one grain of salt. She could carry eight Hungry Man specials lined up on her arm like a charm bracelet. Flo could serve pie a la mode so it looked like Mount Everest topping the clouds. She poured gravy like tropical rain. In Flos maraschino-nailed fingers, the short order carosul spun like the Wheel of Fortune, and never, not once, did a customers coffee get cold. Well, I mean to tell you, that diner was hers. If Jesus Himself Amen came in and sat down to supper, he wouldve tipped double. Then one Blue-Plate Special, right after the lunch rush, Flo hung up her hairnet, cashed in her checks, and went sunny-side up. And thats when the Lord took my order. I knew what I was. I was called. Look in my eyes. I know mysteries way beyond menus. I have felt the Lords love pierce my heart like a skewer through gyros. I have seen Jesus weep ice kold milk with a K. Heat that up for you Hon?

Catholic Schoolgirls written by Casey Kurtti

Possible Comedic Monologues ( Elizabeth is a second grade student at coed catholic school. She has been elected to give a tour of the church to a group of kindergarten students.) Elizabeth: Okay everybody. This ... is church. This is God's house. If you ever want to talk to Him, you just come in here and sit in one of those long chairs and start talking. But not too loud. Or else you might wake up one of those statues. And they are praying to Jesus. (Bows head) Oh! I forgot to tell you. Whenever you hear the name Jesus (Bows head) you have to bow your head or else you have a sin on your soul. Now, over there is the statue of Jesus' (bows head) mother. Her name is the Blessed Virgin Mary. She is not as important as Jesus (bows head) so you don't have to bow your head when you hear her name. Over there is the statue of Jesus' (bows head) father. Hey, (points at small child) you didn't bow your head. Don't do that cause you'll get a black spot on your soul and you go straight to hell. Now, in hell it is really hot and you sweat a lot. And these little devils come and they bite you all over the place. But if you're really good, you get to go to heaven. Now, in heaven they have this big refrigerator full of lots of stuff to eat! Like ice cream, and chocolate and donuts and it never runs out. But the best part about heaven would have to be that you can talk to anybody you want to. Let's just say that I wanted to talk to... (thinks real hard) Cleopatra! Well, then I would go up to one of the Saints and I would get a permission slip and I would fill it out. Then I would hand it to Jesus (bows head). Hey! (Looks at small child again) You didn't bow your head! Okay, I warned you. And then, I would fly across heaven, cause when you get in they gives you wings, and I would have a nice chat with Cleopatra. I just hope everyone I like get accepted into heaven, or else I won't ever see them again. One more thing, if you ever ask Jesus (bows head) a question and he answers you, make sure you write down the answer really quick, so you don't mess it up. Because, if you mess up an answer from Him, it could get you in real trouble.