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A CRY IN THE DESERT

A CRY IN THE DESERT: The Awakening of Byron Katie.


Copyright 1996 All rights reserved.
!"lished "y The #or$ %o!&d'tio&( I&).
S)ript!re *!ot'tio&s 're +ro, the
-i&g .',es /ersio& o+ the 0i"le.
IS0N 1129345613416
ri&ted i& the 6&ited St'tes o+ A,eri)'.
Cover '&d i&side desig& "y Yvo&&e 7. #right.
Cover '&d i&side photogr'phs o+ 0yro& -'tie
"y 0roo$ 7)Cor,i)$.
8Desert 9ight: i)o& "y S'&dr' Rogers.
iv
A CRY IN THE DESERT
AC-N;#9ED<E7ENTS
8Ho= )'& =e ')$&o=ledge ' +e= =he& there 're so
,'&y>: 0yro& -'tie 's$s ,e. 8Everyo&e =ho h's ever
dr'=& ' "re'th i& o!r dire)tio& &eeds to "e
')$&o=ledged.: All right. Th'&$ yo!. Yo! =ho re'd
this( th'&$ yo!. All =ho told their stories( th'&$ yo!. All
=ho helped =ith ti,e( t'le&t( love( e&)o!r'ge,e&t(
)riti)is,( eve& dis)o!r'ge,e&t ? th'&$ yo!. Editors(
th'&$ yo!. Re'ders( th'&$ yo!. Artists( th'&$ yo!.
0eloveds( th'&$ yo!. %i&'&)iers( th'&$ yo! +or the
,o&ey th't ,'de the +irst pri&ti&g o+ this "oo$ possi"le.
Yo! 'll h've &',es. Yo! 'll $&o= =ho yo! 're. 8S'y
=e ')$&o=ledge All(: 0yro& gri&s. #e $&o= =ho =e
're. #e 're the ;&e. #e 're the Th'&$ Yo!.
v
A CRY IN THE DESERT
C;NTENTS
ART ;NE
0yro& -'tie@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@...
@....@ 4
<'theri&g@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@..@@@..@ 5
7eeti&g@@@@@@@@@@.@@@@@@..@.@@.
1A
A='$e&i&g..@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@..@.@@4B
The ;&ly Thi&g Th't Holds @@@@@@@@.@@....@55
Re)og&itio& @@@@@@@@.@@.@@@@..@..@@AA
The ;&e @@@@@@@@..@@@@@@@@@..@.. 69
To!)hed All the #'y Thro!gh @@@@@@@..@@@. CB
No %e'r @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@...@. 2B
S!))ess is Not 0etr'y'l @@@@@@@@.@@.@.@@ 2C
%!ll&ess o+ 9i+e No= @@@@@@@@@.@@.@.@@ 94
Hold the 0liss @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@.@@. 9C
;pe& He'rt @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@..@@.. 111
#h't #o&der+!l Thi&g #ill H'ppe& NeDt .@@@..@@ 142
142
I A, Not This 0ody @@@@@@@@...@@...@@@.1BC
9ivi&g ' %!ll 9i+e @@@@@.@@@@@@@@@......15C
ART T#;
The Cry i& ;!r So!ls @.....@@@@@@@@@@..@..1A2
#h't A&yo&e 7ight 0e @@@@@@@@@@@@.@161
7's*!er'de @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@...@.@1C3
The Higher Thi&g @@@@@@@@@@@@..@@.@1CA
Hell o& #heels .@@@@@@@@@@@@..@@@@123
The ;ther Side o+ De'th @@@@@@@@@@@@....195
There Is <od@@@@@@..@@@@@@@@@@@. 434
vii
A6TH;RES RE%ACE
Atte,pts to 'rti)!l'te the li+e '&d te')hi&gs o+
0yro& -'tie de+y l'&g!'ge. 8I& the "egi&&i&g ='s the
=ord. 6&$&o= the =ord.: This is =h't she tells ,e 's I
str!ggle to =rite this "oo$. 8The =ords to =hi)h yo! 're
'tt')hed 're the steps '='y +ro, eDperie&)i&g the
prese&)e o+ <od th't yo! 're.:
Her l'&g!'ge st'rtles. She !ses =ords
!&)o&ve&tio&'lly. 0y this pr')ti)e she i&vites !s to
8!&$&o=.: The =ord( itsel+( is the +irst ,ove,e&t o!t
+ro, the Divi&e. The origi&'l ;&e does &ot ,ove. All o+
0yro& -'tieFs =ords 're '& i&vit'tio& to ret!r& to th't
;&e.
The &or,'l str!)t!re o+ l'&g!'ge is i&'de*!'te to
0yro& -'tieFs eDperie&)e. 0'sed( 's it is( o& disti&)tio&s
"et=ee& s!"Ge)t '&d o"Ge)t( rel'tive '&d &o&rel'tive
"ei&g( '&d te,por'lity or the lo)'tio& o+ eve&ts i& ti,e(
l'&g!'ge str'i&s '&d )r')$s !&der her !se o+ it to
)o,,!&i)'te hersel+. %ro, 0yro& -'tieFs perspe)tive 'll
is ;&e( 'd,itti&g o+ &o o"Ge)t or other. I+ there =ere '
l'&g!'ge o+ p!re s!"Ge)tivity( 0yro& -'tie =o!ld spe'$
th't l'&g!'ge. She eDists i& ' re'lity o+ )o,plete
&o&rel'tivity: All is <od. I A, Yo!(: she i&sists. She
=o!ld li$e to )'pit'liHe every =ord th't does &ot re+er to
'& ill!sio& o+ h!,'& ego. She is ,ost 't ho,e i& prese&t
te&se.
So,e people 're s'yi&g th't hers is ' &e=
l'&g!'ge( ' &e= religio&( ' &e= psy)hology( ' &e=
,edi)i&e. 0yro& -'tie l'!ghs '&d tells !s there is
&othi&g &e=. There is o&ly <od. 86&do yo!rsel+(: she
s'ys. 8-&o= the Tr!th.:
A CRY IN THE DESERT
viii
0yro& -'tieFs =ords 're "est t'$e& 't their ,ost
+!&d',e&t'l level o+ ,e'&i&g. #he& she spe'$s o+
realizing so,ethi&g( +or eD',ple( she ,e'&s to "e)o,e
o&e =ith the Re'lity. She is &ot spe'$i&g o+
)o&)ept!'liH'tio&. #he& she tells !s to $&o= the Tr!th(
she is &ot s!ggesti&g th't =e e&g'ge i& so,e i&telle)t!'l
pro)ess. I&ste'd( she is telli&g !s to be )o&siste&t =ith
Re'lity( the p!re '&d livi&g Tr!th th't is <od.
0e)'!se ' "oo$ re*!ires ' l'&g!'ge str!)t!re( I
'tte,pt to "e 's tr!e 's possi"le to 0yro& -'tieFs
eDperie&)e( =hile( 't the s',e ti,e( to re&der ' teDt th't
is re'd'"le. #he& *!oti&g or re+erri&g to 0yro& -'tieFs
te')hi&g( I t'$e li"erties =ith se&te&)e str!)t!re '&d
)'pit'liH'tio& o+ =ords th't !s!'lly 'ppe'r i& lo=er )'se.
The '='$e&ed )o&s)io!s&ess( 'ltho!gh it )'&&ot "e
)'pt!red i& l'&g!'ge( )'& le've tr')es o+ its prese&)e. I+
the re'derFs ,i&d +eels "oggled( I s!ggest ' s!spe&sio&
o+ ,i&d. Re'd =ith the he'rt.
Christi& 9ore #e"er
iD
A CRY IN THE DESERT
A CRY IN THE DESERT
0YR;N -ATIE
#i&d =hips ')ross the C'li+or&i' high desert
li+ti&g s,'ll t=isters o+ d!st 'g'i&st ' diHHyi&g light.
<old light )le'&s the e'rth o+ 'll "!t =h't is &e)ess'ry(
'&d =i&d "lo=s the d!st '='y. 7o!&t'i&s o+ p!re ro)$(
gig'&ti) &eedles o+ sto&e( !,"er )olored( "!r&t red( l'v'
"l')$( pier)e the s$y. Spri&gs =ell !p +ro, the ro)$
)re'ti&g pools o+ ='r,( he'li&g ='ter. <&'rled .osh!'
trees i&sist o& li+e. <olde& spiders s$itter over the s'&d
'&d r'ttlers glide.
A =o,'& ='l$s this l'&ds)'pe 'lo&g ro!tes 's
v'ried '&d )o&tr'di)tory 's peopleFs lives )'& "e. The
desert is her ho,e. She h's +o!ght its d!st stor,s '&d
stood &'$ed !&der its )'&opy o+ st'rs. She +i&ds her ='y
=here ro'ds do&Ft eDist. She s!rvives thirst.
This =o,'&( li$e '&yo&e( h's lived =ith r'ge( =ith
d'ri&g( =ith eDh'!stio&( =ith dre',s '&d +'iled dre',s(
=ith hope( '&d =ith ' "ro$e& he'rt. She h's "ee& 'lo&e
'&d )!rsed it. She h's "ee& s!rro!&ded "y the =orld '&d
r!& '='y. She h's "ee& ri)h '&d poor( loved '&d
despised( so!ght o!t '&d reGe)ted. There h've "ee&
ti,es =he& she h's thro=& hersel+ '='y.
She is ' ,other( ' sister( ' =i+e( ' +rie&d. She h's
'lso "ee& the opposite o+ e')h o+ these. erh'ps there is
&othi&g th't she h's &ot "ee&. She s'ys th't she ='s
"or& i& '& 'tti) roo, =he& she ='s +orty1three ye'rs
old. Th't ='s the d'y this =o,'& !&derstood th't she
='s =orthy o+ her o=& love.
She is ' ,irror. She lets !s loo$ 't her to see
o!rselves. Ho=ever deep the p'i& =e +eel( she $&o=s '
4
p'i& 's deep. Ho=ever +'r o!r hopes( hers eDte&d there.
I+ =e 're desper'te( she h's "ee& desper'te too. She is
G!st ' =o,'& =ho told hersel+ the Tr!th '&d &o= she is
+ree. She dis)overs =ithi& hersel+ '& '"idi&g .oy.
Yo! ,ight h've see& her '&y=here. 7'y"e she s't
&eDt to yo! i& '& 'irpl'&e or 't ' T=elve Step ,eeti&g i&
yo!r &eigh"orhood. Yo! )o!ld h've see& her i& the
s!per,'r$et( ,'y"e i& the +resh prod!)e se)tio&. She
h's ' ='y =ith +r!its '&d veget'"les. ro"'"ly yo!
=o!ld&Ft re)og&iHe '&ythi&g spe)i'l '"o!t herI she loo$s
pretty ,!)h li$e '&y"ody else( '&y =o,'& o!t there.
7'y"e she pi)$ed !p so,ethi&g th't yo! dropped '&d
g've it to yo!. ro"'"ly she s,iled. 7'y"e yo! =e&t
ho,e th't d'y st!&&ed "y the )l'rity o+ her eyes.
ro"'"ly yo! =o&dered =ho she ='s( '&d i+ yo! h'd '
)h'&)e to 's$ her( she ,ight h've told yo! th't it ='s
yo!rsel+ yo! re)og&iHed i& her eyes. 7'y"e she si,ply
s,iled.
So,e people )'ll the =o,'& 0yro&. ;thers )'ll her
-'tie. Her h!s"'&d )'lls her -'te. This is her story. It
is&Ft the =hole story. It is&Ft eve& hers 'lo&e. It is the
story o+ people =hose lives she to!)hes. Thro!gh their
lives this =o,'& is =ove& li$e ' p!rple thre'd( or li$e
silver( eve& gold. It ,ight( i& +')t( "e Yo!r story. It
)ert'i&ly is ,i&e.
B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
<ATHERIN<
C'rol 9y&& )'lls to s'y 0yro& -'tie =ill "e 't her
ho!se +or ' <'theri&g. Do I ='&t to )o,e> ;+ )o!rse. I
='&t to see her. IF, distr')ted. %or three =ee$s ,y
h!s"'&d( .oh&( '&d I h've "ee& se'r)hi&g the =oods '&d
i&lets o+ the !get So!&d +or ' &e= ho,e. Every pl')e
th't dr'=s ,e "y its "e'!ty '&d solit!de )osts ,ore th'&
o!r "!dget )'& st'&d. #eFve "ee& "')$ t=o d'ys '&d ,y
,i&d still reels =ith i,'ges o+ 9o&g 9'$e( ort ;r)h'rd(
o!ls"o( 0'i&"ridge Isl'&d( the S'& .!'&s( '&d
espe)i'lly ' "l!++ o& the so!th=est side o+ C','&o
Isl'&d '&d the sto&y "e')h "elo= =here g!lls )ry '&d
e'gles ride the !pdr'+ts.
This ,or&i&g( "')$ i& C'li+or&i'( the 0yro&
,'&!s)ript lies "e+ore ,e. It is ti,e to )o,plete it( "!t I
h've &o ide' ho=. I &eed to see her.
She loo$s siDtee&( yo!&ger th'& the +irst ti,e I ,et
her. Ho= does she do th't> ;&)e( '"o!t ' ye'r e'rlier( I
'rrived l'te 't ' <'theri&g '&d ='s st'rtled to re'liHe
th't she loo$ed '&)ie&t. I tho!ght: SheFs g'i&ed =eightJ
She loo$s li$e so,e"odyFs Golly ro!&d gr'&d,' or li$e '
+e,'le 0!ddh'( +eet p!lled !p !&der her( "esto=i&g Goy.
I& the =i&ter( 't '&other o+ 0yro&Fs <'theri&gs( I tho!ght
she loo$ed her 'ge. %i&e li&es e&h'&)ed her eyes. Her
s$i& h'd th't so+t( teDt!red loo$. No= her +')e is
s,ooth( her s$i& t'!t over high )hee$"o&es.
8Yo! loo$ 't le'st te& ye'rs yo!&gerJ: I ,i&i,iHe
the st'rtli&g e++e)t th't I $&o= is &ot the res!lt o+
'&ythi&g 'rti+i)i'l.
8I do>: 0yro& l'!ghs. 8eople tell ,e thi&gs li$e
5
th't. Th'&$ yo! +or telli&g ,eI I )'&Ft $&o= other=ise.:
9'ter( i& the gro!p( she e,ph'siHes th't her "ody is &ot
her )o&)er&. 7i&d: Th't is her respo&si"ility. The "ody
+ollo=s. She s'ys th't she is ' ,irror( '&d I =o&der i+
the )h'&ges I per)eive i& her 're re'lly )h'&ges i&
,ysel+ I see re+le)ted i& her +')e.
#e sit o& the so+' "y ' ro'ri&g +ire. ItFs ' )hilly
%e"r!'ry &ight. The roo, is +illed =ith +',ily '&d so,e
+rie&ds. A little girl toddles over to o++er ,e ' "lo= o&
her pl'sti) tr!,pet.
8Did yo! +i&d yo!r ho,e>: 0yro&Fs )le'r eyes
r'di'te i& ' ='y I )'&Ft t'$e +or gr'&ted.
I tell her th't I do thi&$ I +o!&d the isl'&d =here IFd
li$e to live( "!t everythi&g is too eDpe&sive. I $&o= th't
I ='&t to live "y the ='ter '&d ='ter+ro&t property is
eve& ,ore pri)ey.
8#he& the ti,e '&d pl')e 're right( the ,o&ey =ill
"e there.: Kshe s'ys.L
I se&se th't 's lo&g 's I hold the tho!ght o+ eDpe&se
's preve&ti&g ,e +ro, livi&g =here ,y he'rt desires( 'll
I =ill see is ' doll'r sig&( '&d I =ill &ot re)og&iHe ,y
&e= ho,e. 7y "elie+ '"o!t i,possi"ility =ill )re'te
i,possi"ility. All it =o!ld t'$e is ' slight t!r& o+ ,i&d
to '))ept =h't 0yro& -'tie s'ys.
IF, s!dde&ly 'lo&e =ith her. I+ there 're other
people i& the roo,( IF, &ot '='re o+ the,. #e t'l$
'"o!t the "oo$( '"o!t p!"lishi&g. ;&ly ' s,'ll p'rt o+
,e is t'$e& !p =ith th't )o&vers'tio&. The rest o+ ,e is
)'!ght !p i& ' re'lity !&derlyi&g the =ords( the ro'ri&g
+ire( the people( '&d the pl')e. There is &o 0yro& '&d
there is &o Christi&. There is ;&e 0ei&g. SheFs ' door
i&to this eDperie&)e o+ ;&e&ess th't &ever +'ils to ope&
=he& IF, +')e to +')e =ith it. 8I ', the Door(: .es!s
s'ys. 0yro& sho=s ,e =h't he ,e'&s.
A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
#e ='l$ i&to the livi&g roo,( =hi)h h's +illed =ith
' l'!ghi&g( )h'tteri&g gro!p o+ +ol$s =ho 'll see, to
$&o= o&e '&other. The little girl r!&s +ro, this perso& to
th't o&e o++eri&g her pl'sti) tr!,pet. ThereFs ' good ,iD
o+ ,e& '&d =o,e&( yo!&g '&d old. 0yro& sits i& '
str'tegi)'lly pl')ed e'sy )h'ir '&d p!lls her +eet !p
!&der her so+t )or'l s$irt. C'rol 9y&& does the
i&trod!)tio&s '&d 's$s 0yro& to tell her story. 8I $&o=
th't yo! li$e to give people yo!r philosophy(: she s'ys(
80!t ple'se( tell !s ho= this h'ppe&ed to yo!( ho= yo!
=ere&Et 'l='ys li$e this. Tell !s ho= yo! !sed to "e '&d
ho= yo! )h'&ged.:
0yro& -'tie loo$s o++ i&to sp')e. Her eyes )lo!d
G!st ' "it. I i,'gi&e this is di++i)!lt +or her. She still
re')hes +or the =ords to eDpl'i& the 8res!rre)tio&: or
8'='$e&i&g: 's she )'lls it. She is still re,e,"eri&g
eve&ts th't see, to her to h've h'ppe&ed to ' perso&
other th'& the prese&t sel+. 8IF, ' "'"y '&d IF, 'geless(:
she eDpl'i&s. 8I ope&ed ,y eyes o&ly &i&e ye'rs 'go '&d
I s'= 'll ti,e.:
She st'rts =ith seei&g hersel+ 's "ei&g lo)$ed o!t
o+ the ho!se =he& she ='s three ye'rs old. She s'ys she
"e)',e ' =ild '&i,'l. She s'ys she =e&t to ' ,'& =ho
,olested her 8'&d it h!rt. 0!t the &eDt d'y I =e&t "')$
"e)'!se I =o!ld do '&ythi&g +or to!)h( =hi)h I &o= see
's 9ove. Ag'i& it h!rt( '&d 'g'i& I =e&t "')$. I did th't
to ,e.:
80!t s!rely(: the people re')t( 8yo! 're&Ft eD)!si&g
hi,. Yo! 're&Ft s'yi&g it ='s yo!r +'!lt. Yo! =ere '
)hild( '+ter 'll.:
8He h'd his o=& p'i&. I )'&Ft G!dge th't. I o&ly
$&o= th't ,y ,i&d too$ ,y "ody "')$ to the ,'&. I+
there ='s p'i& i&+li)ted !po& ,e( I ='s the perpetr'tor
o+ th't p'i&.:
6
80!t s!rely yo! =o!ld ='&t people li$e th't lo)$ed
!pJ So yo! $&o= ? so they )'&Ft do th't to others.:
8I+ I =ere '"!si&g )hildre&( I =o!ld ='&t yo! to
lo)$ ,e !p so th't I =o!ld &ot "e '"le to h!rt yo! or ,e
i& th't ='y. To h'r, yo! is ,y s!++eri&g.
She 's$s the, to go i&side the,selves. 8!t
yo!rsel+ i& the positio& o+ perpetr'tor '&d the& o+
vi)ti,. #hi)h =o!ld yo! r'ther "e> <o deep(: she s'ys.
8-&o= yo!rselves.:
I po&der ho= di++i)!lt it is +or !s( +or this so)iety o+
o!rs( to e&ter 0yro&Fs =orld. #e ='&t G!dg,e&ts "!ilt
li$e st'irs over peopleFs p'i& so =e )'& )li," o!t o+
=h't =e )'ll their =ro&gdoi&g. #e ='&t to ')hieve
good&ess 't the top o+ those st'irs. 0!t it is&Ft there. #e
do&Ft ')hieve good&ess. 8Do &ot )'ll ,e good. ;&ly ;&e
is good(: s'ys .es!s( telli&g !s &ot to set hi, 'p'rt +ro,
the rest o+ !s 't the top o+ so,e st'ir='y o+ G!dg,e&t.
<ood&ess is the )o&st'&t st'te o+ "ei&g i& itsel+. All is
good. All is ;&e. #e )'&&ot do '&ythi&g to ,'$e !s
goodI =e 'lre'dy 're.
8The& I got ,'rried to ' =o&der+!l ,'&@: She
goes o& to her ye'rs =ith her +irst h!s"'&d( ' "rie+
re)it'tio&( 8A&d I did&Ft $&o= it. Together =e "!ilt ' li+e
o+ ill!sio&s( o+ !&re'lity( '&d I did&Ft $&o= it.
Everythi&g ='s !pside do=&. A&d I h'd )hildre& '&d
they =ere p'rt o+ it. A&d I ,'de ' ,illio& doll'rs '&d
lost it '&d ,'de '&other ,illio& '&d it did&Ft ,e'&
'&ythi&g. A&d I got divor)ed "e+ore I eve& $&e= =ho
,y h!s"'&d ='s '&d I too$ ,y )hildre& to '&other to=&
'&d st'rted over. 0!t &othi&g ='s e&o!gh '&d pretty
soo& I ='s st!)$ i& ,y "edroo,( doi&g "!si&ess +ro,
there( '&d ' little roo, &eDt to it( "!yi&g '&d selli&g( '&d
,y )hildre& =ere o& dr!gs '&d 'l)ohol '&d +ighti&g '&d
,iser'"le '&d there ='s &o ='y o!t. ;&e &ight( very l'te
C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
=he& everyo&e else ='s sleepi&g( I =e&t to ' )h!r)h
"e)'!se IFd he'rd th't people +o!&d '&s=ers i& )h!r)hes
so I tho!ght IFd try eve& tho!gh I did&Ft !&derst'&d
religio&. I =e&t i& the vesti"!le '&d pi)$ed !p so,e
p',phlets( le+t *!i)$ly( got "')$ i&to ,y )'r( '&d drove
ho,e. I s't o& ,y "ed '&d re'd the p',phlets over '&d
over. I re'd the, o&e p'r'gr'ph 't ' ti,e. I re'd e')h
se&te&)e. Slo=ly. I '"sol!tely )o!ld&Ft !&derst'&d o&e
=ord. I )o!ld&Ft ,'$e '&y se&se o+ it 't 'll.:
Ag'i& '&d 'g'i& people i& the <'theri&gs 's$
0yro& -'tie +or this story 's i+ they h've ' +'s)i&'tio&
+or the ='y o!r =e'lth1see$i&g( ')hieve,e&t1orie&t'ted
)!lt!re did&Ft =or$ +or her. She ')hievedI she h'd
=e'lthI she ='s&Ft h'ppy. She died o+ it '&d =he& she
=o$e !p( the =e'lth '&d ')hieve,e&t &o lo&ger
,'ttered. It ='s ' &o&iss!e. She "eg'& livi&g si,ply( i&
the ,o,e&t( =itho!t tho!ght( i& ' st'te o+ )o,plete
"ei&g th't =e so,eti,es se&se i& the still&ess "et=ee&
o&e tho!ght '&d the &eDt
80!t do&Ft yo! h've go'ls>: the people 's$. They
're i&)red!lo!s. 8Do&Ft yo! ,'$e pl'&s> Ho= do yo!
$&o= =h't to do> Ho= do yo! $eep +ro, doi&g =ro&g>
Ho= do yo! $&o= =h'tFs right> A&d i+ everythi&g is 's
it sho!ld "e( the& =h't '"o!t the ,!rderer( =h't '"o!t
the st'rvi&g )hildre&( =h't '"o!t ='rs '&d poverty '&d
de'th> Do&Ft yo! +eel ' respo&si"ility to help other
people> A&d i+ yo! do&Ft +eel th't respo&si"ility( =hy 're
yo! here to&ight>:
8ItFs =ho I ', ? I ', this(: she tells !s =ith ' little
s,ile.
8#hy did yo! )o,e>:
8I ='s i&vited.:
So si,ple.
8Th'tFs 'll>:
8Th'tFs 'll.:
2
80!t =h't '"o!t l'=s> #h't '"o!t the ,!rderer>
#h't '"o!t so)iety> Does&Ft so)iety h've '
respo&si"ility> Are yo! s!ggesti&g th't =e 'll do
=h'tever =e ple'se>:
8#e do it '&y='y( do&Ft =e> #e G!st 're &ot )le'r
'"o!t =h't ple'ses !s.:
I see sever'l people &od their he'ds. ThereFs
&ervo!s l'!ghter.
8Th'tFs '&'r)hyJ: ' so,e=h't irrit'ted ,'le voi)e
er!pts.
She does eD')tly 's she ='&ts '&d here she is(
givi&g hersel+ to !s "e)'!se th't ')tio& gives her ,ore
h'ppi&ess th'& '&ythi&g else 't the ,o,e&t. She is the
,ost )o,p'ssio&'te perso& I h've ever e&)o!&tered.
8Do yo! "elieve i& l'=>: 's$s '&other ,'&.
8I +'ste& ,y se't "elt(: she gri&s. 8I love 'll the
l'=s o+ this )o!&try. I love the l'=s o+ this =orld. Yo!
s'y +'ste& yo!r se't "elt( '&d I s'y o$'y. Yo!Fve ,'de
the l'=s +or ,eI I do&Ft h've to. The l'=s 're there(
=o&der+!l( +or o!r "e&e+it. They 're =h't is '&d I love
'll th't is.:
8I still do&Ft *!ite get it(: s'ys ' =o,'& ? '&d =e
$eep )o,i&g "')$ to this 'll eve&i&g ? 8Yo! thi&$
everythi&g is per+e)t '&d yet =e h've 'll this s!++eri&g i&
the =orld( 'll this poverty( 'll this viole&)e. Ho= )'&
th't "e per+e)tio&>:
8ItFs ' ,irror As$: #h't is the viole&)e i& ,e I
)'&&ot '))ept> As$: #h't is ,y +e'r o+ de'th( o+
poverty> Is it tr!e> Is there so,ethi&g =ro&g =ith
de'th> ItFs ' "elie+. All o!r p'i& )o,es +ro, "elie+s. #e
eDperie&)e ' tho!ght '&d 'tt')h ' "elie+ to it. #e see
de'th '&d "elieve itFs evil. #ho s'ys> #e loo$ 't the s$y
'&d s'y itFs "l!e. Is it> ItFs si,ply '& '&)ie&t ,yth. #he&
I &o lo&ger +e'r ,y o=& de'th( I hold the dyi&g )hild
9
A CRY IN THE DESERT
=itho!t +e'r. I loo$ i&to th't )hildFs eyes '&d he sees
o&ly pe')e. I )'&&ot give hi, the "elie+ th't de'th is
so,ethi&g to "e +e'red. I )'&&ot give =h't I do &ot h've.
#h't is &ot "elieved )'&&ot "e +e'red. I =ill "e =ith
hi,( i& pe')e( to th't very eDperie&)e =e )'ll de'th
"e)'!se I &o lo&ger h've th't +e'r =hi)h preve&ts ,e
+ro, "ei&g prese&t. %or yo! ? ,e.:
8;$'y(FF s'ys ' =o,'& =ho is sitti&g o& the +loor i&
+ro&t o+ ,e. 8I )'& !&derst'&d '"o!t '))ept'&)e '&d
love '&d 'll th't( "!t I get so )o&+!sed. Ho= do yo!
$&o= =h't to '))ept> Ho= )'& yo! $&o= =h't to do>
Ho= do yo! get to the poi&t =here yo! )'& "e pe')e+!l
=he& so,eo&e yo! love h's died>:
8Yo! do the dishes.: 0yro& -'tie is '"sol!tely
serio!s.
8#h't>
8I )'ll th't ,y highest spirit!'l eDperie&)e: -'tie
does the dishes. I& the ,o,e&t the tho!ght 'rises( FDo
the dishes(F I do the,. Tho!ght1')tio&. Si,ple. The&
'&other tho!ght rises. I ,ove. I ', ,ove,e&t. I do&Ft
's$ =hy. Hell is to 's$ =hy. So,eo&e )'lls ,e o& the
pho&e '&d 's$s ,e to )o,e to S'& %r'&)is)o +or '
<'theri&g. I )he)$ to see i+ IF, 'lre'dy )o,,itted '&d i+
the ti,e is 'v'il'"le I s'y yes. To $&o= the Tr!th '&d
spe'$ it is he've&.:
8Do yo! ever s'y &o>:
8;h yes. IF, very )le'r '"o!t s'yi&g &o. I+ so,eo&e
,'$es so,ethi&g +or ,e '&d "ri&gs it to ,e s'yi&g( FI
,'de this +or yo! =ill yo! '))ept it>F '&d I loo$ 't it '&d
I do&Ft ='&t it( I s'y &o. Tr!th. The Tr!th sets yo! +ree.
-&o= yo!rsel+ '&d ')t o& th't Tr!th.:
A gr'y1h'ired =o,'& +l'res. 8Th'tFs )r'Hy(
)o,pletely o!t o+ to!)h =ith re'lity. So,eti,es yo!
)'&Ft s'y &o. 9i+e G!st presses do=& o& yo!. eople =ho
13
t'l$ li$e yo! do G!st do&Ft $&o= '"o!t '&ger. IF, '&gry.
7y '&ger is =h'tFs re'l. I h'd eight )hildre&I I did&Ft
h've ' )hoi)e. Th'tFs =h'tFs re'l. I )'&Ft s'y I do&Ft ='&t
the, ? &ot &o=. 0!t I )'&Ft help "!t "e '&gry either.:
0yro&Fs voi)e is ge&tle. 8#ho s'id yes eight ti,es
over> #ho s'id yes to the ,i&ister 't the =eddi&g>
#h't is the pri)e yo! 're &ot =illi&g to p'y> #ho =ere
yo! tryi&g to ple'se =ith yo!r yes> I see gre't love +ro,
yo!( ,isdire)ted '&d &ot t'$i&g )'re o+ yo!rsel+( &ot
)ryi&g o!t the N; ? th't s)re', i&to re'l i&tegrity. C'&
yo! d're to le'r& to spe'$ it( &o=( i& si,ple ='ys> Th't
is =h't eight )hildre& 're +or. Is the p'i& e&o!gh yet> It
is 's yo! s'y it is. Tr!th is the highest order. <od. Tr!th
spo$e& is the voi)e o+ the 6lti,'te. #ho ord'i&ed th't
=e h've eight )hildre&> The "ody i& ')tio& is the yes.
Not to see this is to "e o!t o+ to!)h =ith Re'lity.:
A&other =o,'& o& the +loor presses o&( 8So =he&
IF, tryi&g to +ig!re o!t =h't to do i& order to ,'$e ,y
li+e ,e'&i&g+!l ... >:
8Yo! do the dishes. Yo!r li+e is ,e'&i&g+!l
'lre'dy. Yo!r li+e is. 9ive i& the ,o,e&t. #he& the
tho!ght 'rises( do it. #he& yo! h've do&e it o+te&
e&o!gh( the tho!ght th't 'rises =ill "e visi"le 's yo!r
he'rtFs desire.:
#he& "elie+ ,'rries tho!ght( =eFre ,oved +ro,
Tr!th. FDo the dishes(F the tho!ght s'ys. F0!t doi&g
dishes is ' ,e&i'l t's$F the "elie+ ro)l'i,s. 0elie+
sti)$s li$e /el)roM to tho!ght. Th't is the ,'rri'ge.
The& they prod!)e )hildre& '&d gr'&d)hildre& "elie+s.
Eve&t!'lly =e 're livi&g o& ' +o!&d'tio& "!ilt +ro,
ge&er'tio&s o+ !&tr!ths '&d )o&+!sio&. This is '& eD',
o+ rei&)'r&'tio&( the o&ly rei&)'r&'tio& there is.
11
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8%or eD',ple( FDo the dishesF ,'rries FI o!ght to "e
doi&g so,ethi&g ,e'&i&g+!l.F
8 N#hy sho!ld I "e st!)$ doi&g dishes>E Th'tFs the
"'"y. FS!rely ,y li+e is =orth ,ore th'& thisJF1&o= the
"'"yFs getti&g ,'rriedJ FS!rely I h've ' t's$ i& li+e
higher th'& doi&g dishesJF1'lo&g )o,es the +irst
gr'&d)hild. FI )'& &ever do '&ythi&g i,port'&tI =h't '
d!&)e I ',F ? the gr'&d)hild is ,'rried. F#hy does&Ft
'&ythi&g good ever )o,e ,y ='y>F ? 'h'( ' gre't
gr'&d)hild. A&d the +',ily o+ des)e&d'&ts )hor!ses(
F#hy do&Ft people eDpe)t i,port'&t thi&gs +ro, ,e>
oor ,eJ No"ody &oti)es ,e. No"ody re)og&iHes ho=
=o&der+!l '&d =ise I re'lly ',. All I ever do is ='sh
dishesJF This is ,'rri'ge =itho!t "irth )o&trol( '&d I still
h've&Ft do&e the dishes. 0y this ti,e the ,'rri'ge o+
"elie+ to tho!ght h's prod!)ed the rei&)'r&'tio& o+ =h't
=e see 's li+e.
8#he& tho!ght ,'rries "elie+ =e h've ,'teri'l
+or,. Nothi&g &e=. All re)y)led. The lie is "or& 'g'i&
's ='s do&e i& the "egi&&i&g o+ tho!ght th't =e )'ll
ti,e. This is rei&)'r&'tio&I there is &o ti,e '&d sp')eI
yo! 're the thi&$er o+ it. To see 'll this i& Tr!th( i& the
thi&$i&g ,o,e&t( is to eDperie&)e the )oll'pse o+ ti,e
'&d sp')e.
8IFve "ee& '='y +ro, ho,e &o= +or ,ore th'& t=o
=ee$s. 7y h!s"'&d is&Ft very good 't )le'&i&g '&d
='shi&g )lothes( so o&e tho!ght is th't I =ill ='l$ i& the
door to see dishes st')$ed !p '&d there =ill "e dirty
)lothes '&d the ho!se =ill "e ' ,ess '&d IFll h've ' pile
o+ ,'il ' +oot high. 0y &ight 'll o+ it =ill "e do&e. ;&e
t's$ '+ter '&other( si,ply( =itho!t ,e&t'l 'rg!,e&t. I
G!st ='l$ thro!gh the ho!se '&d do =h't )o,es to ,e to
do. I do =h't is i& +ro&t o+ ,e. I do the dishes. This is
,y privilege.:
14
8C'rryi&g ='ter( sho!lderi&g =ood: is '& '&)ie&t
spirit!'l ,'Di, o+ Oe& 0!ddhis,. It is prep'r'tio& +or
e&lighte&,e&t: devotio& to =h't is i& +ro&t o+ yo!1 IF,
)o&st'&tly i&trig!ed "y the ='y 0yro& -'tieFs te')hi&gs
p'r'llel 'ge1old te')hi&gs o+ virt!'lly 'll the spirit!'l
tr'ditio&s: Christi'&ity( 0!ddhis,( the v'rio!s Yog's(
the T'o. A&d yet she st!died &o&e o+ the,.
A))ept the 9ove i& +ro&t o+ yo! This is +'vorite o+
0yro&Fs te')hi&gs. Everythi&g I &eed is right i& +ro&t o+
,e. I+ I do&Ft re)og&iHe th't( it is "e)'!se I ', +o)!sed
o& so,ethi&g th't is&Ft there. #he& I i&sist o& the thi&g
th't is&Ft there( I ,iss the 9ove i& +ro&t o+ ,e. I ig&ore
the light o+ Tr!th '&d )'&&ot see the 9ove. I resist
e&lighte&,e&t.
I& ' )!lt!re =here more is better( ho= )'& =e gr'sp
the tr!th th't .es!s g've to 7'rth'> 8Tho! 'rt )'re+!l
'&d tro!"led '"o!t ,'&y thi&gs: "!t o&e thi&g is
&eed+!l: K9!$e 13:51154L.
It is the thi&g right i& +ro&t o+ yo!. I do the dishes.
I =rite the "oo$. I =eed the g'rde&. I liste& to ,y +rie&d.
I loo$ i&to ,y dyi&g ,otherFs eyes. I si&g the so&g. #e
)'rry ='ter. #e sho!lder =ood. #e do the dishes.
Nothi&g is ='&ti&g( '&y=here. All is 9ove.
#e st'y +o!r ho!rs 't C'rol 9y&&Fs. So,e o+ !s
=o!ld st'y 'll &ight. C'rol 9y&& s!ggests =e e't so,e
o+ the "re'ds '&d &!ts '&d +r!its '&d veget'"les =eFve
"ro!ght '&d l'id o!t o& her di&i&g roo, t'"le. #e "egi&
to ,ove. Sever'l ,e& p!ll )h'irs !p )lose to 0yro&
-'tie. They )o&ti&!e to *!estio& her. I+ everythi&g is
per+e)t( =h't is there to ')hieve> I+ =e h've everythi&g
=e &eed( =hy strive +or =e'lth> I+ 'll 're i&&o)e&t( =h't
'"o!t the ,!rderers( the )hild ,olesters( the r'pists. I+
1B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
=e )'&Ft )li," o!t o+ =ro&g( =h't 're =e doi&g here>
A&d she )o&ti&!es to '&s=er =ith 'll she $&o=s. 8#e
're. #e 're ;&e( )re'ti&g. I& th't still&ess =e 're the
'='re&ess o+ )re'tio& ,ovi&g 's Itsel+. #e l')$ &othi&g.
So,e )'& he'r herI so,e shi+t "e+ore her very eyes(
'='$e to the Tr!th they eDperie&)e.
Co,i&g ho,e +ro, C'rol 9y&&Fs I re,e,"er the
=o,'& =ho is '&gry '"o!t her eight )hildre&. She is &ot
di++ere&t +ro, ,e. There 're ti,es I h've "ee& e*!'lly
'&gry th't I &ever "e)',e preg&'&t. I =o&der =hy =e
)li&g so te&')io!sly to o!r p'i&( to the tho!ghts th't
$eep !s +ro, o!r Goy( s!)h tho!ghts 's: Re'lity is '&gerI
I did&Ft h've ' )hoi)eI IFve &ever h'd e&o!gh.
ItFs l'te. I )li," i&to "ed. The tho!ght )o,es !p
th't .oh& '&d I =ill &ever "e '"le to '++ord ' ho,e o&
the ='ter+ro&t. I s,ile '&d p!t the tho!ght 'side. I go to
sleep '&d dre', o+ g!lls.
15
7EETIN<
I +irst ,et 0yro& -'tie o& ' Septe,"er eve&i&g i&
199B 't the ho,e o+ ' ,!t!'l +rie&d. #he& I 'rrived(
0yro& ='s sitti&g o& the so+' t'l$i&g i& lo= to&es to '
,odest1loo$i&g =o,'& =ith lo&g gr'y1"lo&d h'ir.
0yro& s't )ross1legged( her +eet dr'=& !p !&der her( '&d
='s =e'ri&g ' +!ll 7eDi)'& s$irt i& )or'ls( "l!es( '&d
"ro=&s( ' ,'t)hi&g vest over ' "ro=&ish shirt( '&d lots
o+ "e'ds '&d lo&g e'rri&gs. Her )!rly "lo&d h'ir ='s
)'!ght !p o& top o+ her he'd i& ' )or'l ri""o&. She =ore
he'vy eye ,'$e1!p '&d did&Ft loo$ li$e ,y ide' o+ '
spirit!'l te')her.
I s't do=& o& the +loor. There =o!ld "e lots o+
people )o,i&g( ,'&y ,ore th'& the 'v'il'"le )h'irs. I
='&ted to "e positio&ed i& s!)h ' ='y th't I )o!ld see
0yro& 't )lose r'&ge '&d( 't the s',e ti,e( =it&ess her
i&ter')tio& =ith the other g!ests. I+ I =ere t!)$ed "')$
i&to the )or&er )lose to the so+' I =o!ld re,'i&
!&o"tr!sive. I =o!ld G!st ='t)h.
7y l'st ,o&th h'd "ee& ,ore th'& ' little
!&settli&g. It h'd st'rted =ith ,y ,otherFs de'th '&d
e&ded =ith the &e=s th't I )o!ld &o lo&ger postpo&e
,'Gor s!rgery. .!st t=o d'ys "e+ore( drivi&g "')$ +ro,
the Cost)oM store( I h'd st'rted )ryi&g( so""i&g li$e '
)hild( +eeli&g s)'red to de'th. #he& I 's$ed ,ysel+ =hy(
'll I )o!ld )o,e !p =ith =ere ' )hildFs &ight,'res(
i,'ges o+ de,o&s '&d o+ ho!ses "!r&i&g do=& '&d o+
losi&g people th't I loved. These =ere +e'rs I h'd
"'&ished lo&g 'go =ith 'irtight( r'tio&'l 'rg!,e&ts.
No= I =or$ed 't )o&soli&g ,ysel+. 8Yo!r ,other died(:
I s'id. 8ItFs grie+ .:
1A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
Nevertheless I +elt +r'gile. I did&Ft ='&t to t'l$. I
p!lled !p ' pillo= '&d le'&ed 'g'i&st it. The ,odest
loo$i&g =o,'& ='s 's$i&g the o&e th't ,!st "e 0yro&
-'tie =hether it ='s o$'y to dri&$ )o++ee. 8I+ yo! 's$
the *!estio&( yo! ,'y ='&t to t'$e ' loo$ i&side(: 0yro&
s'id. 8;&ly yo! )'& $&o= the Tr!th o+ yo!. I he'r th't
yo! 'lre'dy $&o=.:
I loo$ed 'ro!&d. Seve& or so =o,e& s't i& )l!sters
o+ t=o or three. No o&e see,ed to "e p'yi&g 'tte&tio& to
the t=o o& the so+'. All 't o&)e 0yro& -'tie loo$ed
str'ight 't ,e. 8IF, 0yro&(: she s'id '&d s,iled.
Never h'd I see& eyes li$e th't. 9'ter S'&dr' )'lled
the, 8see1thro!gh.: So,eo&e else )'lled her the 8lit
l'dy.: I tho!ght her eyes loo$ed silver. To '&other
=o,'& they loo$ed t!r*!oise. The thi&g '"o!t =hi)h =e
'll 'gree is th't 0yro& -'tieFs eyes shi&e.
8IF, Christi&.: Th't ='s 's +'r 's I i&te&ded to go(
't le'st !&til I +o!&d o!t ,ore '"o!t her.
She lo)$ed o&to ,e. She see,ed li$e ' h'=$( I
l'ter tho!ght( so'ri&g i& o& ,e( '&d &o ,'tter ho= I
dodged she =o!ld&Ft let ,e get '='y.
8#h't 're yo!r tho!ghts>: She s,iled '&d ='ited.
#h't ' str'&ge *!estio&. A&s=eri&g it )o!ld t'$e 'll
&ight ? ' li+eti,e( ,'y"e. Th'tFs =hy I =rite "oo$s: 7y
tho!ghts 're ,'&i+old. I po!r the, o!t. ')$'ge the,.
Store the, o& shelves. I de)ided to "e )'re+!l. ItFs so
e'sy to "e +ooled.
8I tho!ght '"o!t th't o& the ='y over '&d de)ided
th't I ='&t to le'r&.: These =ere ,y =ords. I h'd
')t!'lly tho!ght: I'll just sit there and listen and learn.
I'll only say something after I'm comfortable and then
only if I really hae something to say. I don't want to
risk too much! I feel too fragile. I don't want anyone to
know about the fear that "o""ed out the other day.
16
8Ah( yo! 're ' st!de&t.: She see,ed ple'sed.
I ='s&Ft ' st!de&t '&y,ore. I h'd gr'd!'ted lots o+
ti,es. I h'd degrees. I h'd =ritte& "oo$s( t'!ght )l'sses(
le)t!red( do&e 'll sorts o+ thi&gs. I !sed to "e ' st!de&t.
0ei&g )'lled ' st!de&t red!)ed ,e to ' "egi&&er i& the
=or$ to =hi)h ,y =hole li+e h'd "ee& devoted. ;& the
other h'&d( G!st the other d'y I h'd +elt three ye'rs old
'&d 's +righte&ed 's i+ I h'd &ever le'r&ed ' thi&g.
8Yo! ,ight s'y th't(: I 'd,itted.
8Tell ,e yo!r tho!ghts. #h't is it yo! =o!ld li$e
to le'r&>: She le'&ed +or='rd. Those eyes r'di'ted. She
loo$ed li$e ' +e,'le 0!ddh'( "!t 'lso li$e the h'=$.
I st'rted +eeli&g li$e ' ,o!se i& ' +ield. The h'=$
so'red. 8I =o!ld li$e to le'r& '"o!t +e'r(: I "l!rted o!t.
C'!ght i& the ope&. No pl')e to hide. The s)ree)h o+ the
h'=$I the sh'do= o+ the =i&g.
8%e'r res!lts +ro, the "elie+ th't yo! 're goi&g to
lose so,ethi&g or &ot get so,ethi&g yo! ='&t. There is
&o eD)eptio& to this( eve& 's yo!r ego 'tt')$s itsel+.: So
si,ple. 0!t it +elt li$e she ='s re'di&g ,y he'rt. She
s'id ,ore( "!t I )'&Ft re,e,"er it. Her =ords hit ho,e. I
+elt te'rs slip do=& ,y )hee$s. 7y +e'rs see,ed
)hildish "!t 't the s',e ti,e grippi&g. I ='s
e,"'rr'ssed to 'd,it the, "!t +elt po=erless to es)'pe
the,.
8No= tell ,e '"o!t yo!r +e'rs.: She ='ited.
I too$ ' deep "re'th. 8retty ,!)h =h't yo! s'id.
IF, '+r'id o+ losi&g =h't I love.:
8A&d =h't eD')tly is th't>:
7y ,i&d s'id &o( yo! )'&Ft s'y yo!r +e'r 'lo!d.
Yo! )'&Ft 'd,it yo! +e'r )hildish thi&gs. ;&ly
!&ed!)'ted people +e'r s!)h thi&gs. Yo! $&o= "etter.
#h't =ill 'll these people thi&$ o+ yo!>
1C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8I& +ro&t o+ 'll these people>: I l'!ghed ' little(
8These str'&gers>:
8There is o&ly ;&e. There 're &o str'&gers here.:
She spo$e =ith '!thority. 8No=( tell ,e yo!r tho!ghts
'"o!t +e'r.:
I st'rted "l!rti&g o!t ' t'&gle o+ st!++ th't )'!sed
,y he'rt to r')e eve& 's ,y ,i&d reGe)ted it. I e&ded "y
s'yi&g I +elt I ='s o& ' threshold o+ so,ethi&g( "!t i+ I
stepped over( everythi&g I h'd "elieved '&d
'))o,plished 'll ,y li+e =o!ld "e sho=& to "e '&
ill!sio& '&d I =o!ld lose ,ysel+. There =o!ld "e
&othi&g. I $&e= I ='s so!&di&g )r'Hed( hysteri)'l. I +elt
three ye'rs old '&d '"o!t t=o i&)hes t'll.
8Th'tFs right(: 0yro& respo&ded. She 'ss!red ,e
th't yes( this =o!ld "e the e&d o+ the =orld 's I
eDperie&)e it. Her eyes "l'Hed. Cle'&. A p!re light.
I&des)ri"'"le. A )o,"i&'tio& o+ love '&d =hite he't th't
ev'por'tes i,p!rities. I &o lo&ger re,e,"er the
)o&ti&!ity o+ =h't she s'id. #he& I try to repe't the
=ords( they so!&d "l'&d )o,p'red to the ='y they +elt
=he& she dire)ted the, to ,e.
8Th'tFs right(: she s'id( 8All the "elie+s th't yo!Fve
)o&str!)ted to prote)t yo!rsel+ thro!gho!t yo!r =hole
li+e 're &ot &eeded( !&&e)ess'ry. Yo! 're '+r'id "e)'!se
yo! thi&$ yo! 're ' "ody. Yo! thi&$ yo! 're ' "ody( '&d
yo! 're '+r'id o+ de'th ? '+r'id o+ &othi&g( o&ly ill!sio&(
"elie+ syste,s. There is &o de'th. Yo! 're !si&g yo!r
,i&d to s)'re yo!rsel+. To sh',e yo!rsel+. Yo! )'&&ot
lose the o&es yo! love. It is i,possi"le. Yo! 're the o&e
yo! lost. ;thers do&Ft "elo&g to yo!. 0!t yo! o"liter'te
the, i& yo!r ,i&d. Yo! 're the o&e =ho s'ys they die.
Yo! 're eDperie&)i&g yo!r o=& de'th thro!gh the
tho!ght. Yo!r +e'rs t!r& i&to re'lities( yo! )re'te the,(
yo! ,'teri'liHe the,.
12
86&le'r& those "elie+s. Do yo! !&derst'&d>:
8#ho 're yo!>: I 's$ed. Her =ords so!&ded li$e '
)o,"i&'tio& o+ Ne= Age G'rgo& '&d esoteri) =isdo,.
0!t ,y ,i&d '&d its )riti)'l +!&)tio&s +elt "yp'ssed. I
"elieved her. Te'rs r'& do=& ,y +')e( '&d I did&Ft
"other =ith the,. IFd &ever ,et ' h!,'& "ei&g li$e this
=o,'&. I& ' +li)$er o+ ,e,ory I tho!ght o+ those
dis)iples o+ .es!s =ho )',e to hi, i& =o&der( 's$i&g
the s',e *!estio&( '&d he s'id si,ply( 8Co,e '&d see.:
8#ho do yo! thi&$ I ',>: 0yro& -'tie s,iled 't
,e. .es!s s'id th't( too( did&Ft he> 8#ho do people s'y
th't I ',>:
8I h've&Ft the +'i&test ide'.: It ='s tr!e. All ,y
ide's '"o!t re'lity '&d =h't is possi"le +or h!,'&
"ei&gs to "e =ere +'lli&g i& ,y ,i&d li$e dyi&g st'rs. I
stood o& the threshold o+ ' &e= )re'tio&.
80e)'!se yo! do &ot $&o= yo!rsel+( yo! )'&&ot
$&o= th't I ', yo!. Yo! see o&ly yo!rsel+ i& ,e. Yo!
)'&&ot $&o= yo!rsel+ i& the )e&ter o+ ' tho!ght stor,
th't is( itsel+( these i&s'&e tho!ghts. Yo! 're so
"e'!ti+!l. Yo! 're so loved. I& the +e'r yo! )re'te yo!
)'&&ot $&o= these thi&gs.:
#ho ='s she> I h'd to $&o=. 8H've yo! 'l='ys
"ee& this ='y> 8 I 's$ed.
8No. Seve& ye'rs 'go I ='s G!st li$e yo!.
%righte&ed. S)'ttered. %r'g,e&ted. I lo)$ed ,ysel+ i&
,y ho!se. I ='&ted to die. I =eighed ,ore th'& t=o
h!&dred po!&ds. I )losed ,ysel+ i& ,y "edroo, '&d
too$ to ,y "ed. The& ' "ei&g +ro, '&other re'l, )',e
to ,e i& ,y ho!se '&d led ,e thro!gh 'll the )re'tio& i&
'll the !&iverses. I +elt ,ysel+ p'ss thro!gh everythi&g
'&d everythi&g p'ss thro!gh ,e. I re'liHed th't I ', the
st'rs '&d the ro)$s '&d 'll the people '&d the '&i,'ls
'&d there is o&ly ;&e. I ret!r&ed 's yo! see ,e &o=.:
19
A CRY IN THE DESERT
I did&Ft !&derst'&d( "!t I +o!&d ,ysel+ '))epti&g
the ,ystery o+ this =o,'&. Th't eve&i&g 0yro& -'tie
told ,e I ,!st ope& ,y he'rt to Goy( '))ept the "e'!ty
o+ ,y li+e( serve =ith love +or the p!re Goy o+ it. No= it
is possi"le( she 'ss!red ,e( to give the gi+t o+ ,ysel+
'&d let the +e'r go. 8Yo! 're ' little "'"y(: she s'id. 8Do
yo! !&derst'&d>:
I !&derstood th't I ='s so,ethi&g &e=.
She t!r&ed to so,eo&e else. 8#h't 're yo!r
tho!ghts>: she 's$ed.
Three ho!rs l'ter I =e&t ho,e still &ot )ert'i& =ho
this =o,'& ='s. I $&e= there ='s so,ethi&g
eDtr'ordi&'ry '"o!t her. I ='s "egi&&i&g to !&derst'&d
th't she h'd de'lt ' de'th"lo= to ,y ego '&d its +e'rs
'&d th't I &eeded th't. I re'liHed th't I h'd ='&ted to
loo$ good i& +ro&t o+ 'll those people. I re'liHed th't I
h'd to stop hidi&g &o=. There is &othi&g to )over !p(
&othi&g to prote)t. Not i+ 'll o+ !s 're 9ove. Not i+
everythi&g is ;&e.
I =o$e the &eDt ,or&i&g =ith the tho!ght th't I
=o!ld "!y ' red rose +or ,y &eigh"or( S'&dr'( =hoFd
G!st ret!r&ed +ro, the hospit'l =here she !&der=e&t '
r'di)'l ,'ste)to,y. I =o!ld t'$e her ' rose 'lo&g =ith
so,e te'. I ='&ted to "ri&g pe')e to her i& =h'tever ='y
I )o!ld.
;& the ='y to get the rose( I let ,ysel+ loo$ o!t 't
the =orld ? the )'rs r!shi&g !p the +ree='y( the hills
p!rpled "y the risi&g s!&( 'll the ,ove,e&t o+ )re'tio& ?
's o&e "ei&g. It )',e to ,e th't the =ord I h've
pre+erred +or <od is Holy ;&e. 0!t I 'l='ys pl')ed the
e,ph'sis o& holy. This e,ph'sis di++ere&ti'ted the ;&e
th't is <od +ro, everythi&g else. S!dde&ly I !&derstood
&ot G!st =ith ,y ,i&d "!t 'lso =ith ,y he'rt th't the
43
e,ph'sis is ,ore tr!ly to "e pl')ed o& #ne. There is
o&ly ;&e. All is i&)l!ded. Eve& I. Eve& I ', i&)l!ded.
I stopped 't S'+e='y +or S'&dr'Fs rose. There
='s o&ly o&e red o&e. I loo$ed 't so,e other "o!*!ets
"!t $&e= the rose ='s +or her. I "o!ght it '&d so,e +r!it.
#e s't i& her di&i&g roo,( p!t the rose o& the t'"le =ith
other +lo=ers '&d so,e )'&dles. She t'l$ed '"o!t her
)'&)er '&d '"o!t de)isio&s: =h't to do '"o!t r'di'tio&(
'"o!t )he,other'py. Alter&'tive ,edi)i&e. She ='s
!si&g ' tre't,e&t +ro, 7eDi)o. I told her '"o!t 0yro&
'&d s'id she =or$ed =ith )'&)er p'tie&ts. S'&dr'Fs eyes
lit =ith so,ethi&g li$e h!,or. 8D!ri&g ,y ,edit'tio&
this ,or&i&g I 's$ed +or ' he'ler(: she s'id.
She )'lled '&d spo$e =ith 0yro&. I& '& ho!r
0yro& ='s there. She s't =ith S'&dr' '&d 's$ed her
so,e o+ the s',e $i&ds o+ *!estio&s th't she h'd 's$ed
,eI "ro!ght her !p 'g'i&st her +e'rs. I s'= 0yro& "ri&g
S'&dr' right !p 'g'i&st her de'th. I ='t)hed 's S'&dr'
rele'sed her +e'r.
D!ri&g the ,o&ths th't +ollo=ed( I tho!ght o+ 0yro&
o+te&. I& Nove,"er I 'tte&ded o&e o+ her =or$shops '&d
=it&essed perso& '+ter perso& rele'se ,e&t'l '&d
e,otio&'l p'i& th't h'd pl'g!ed the, +or ye'rs. I
le'r&ed the pro)ess th't 0yro& )'lls The #or$. I ='&ted
to $&o= ,ore.
I ='s )le'r '"o!t this: 0yro& spe'$s Tr!th '&d she
loves =hoever is i& +ro&t o+ her. She loves the,
)o,pletely '&d !&)o&ditio&'lly. I tho!ght it possi"le
th't this gi+t o+ 9ove is the $ey th't !&lo)$s resist'&)es
'&d rele'ses the )o!r'ge =e 'll &eed to tell o!rselves the
Tr!th o+ o!rselves. Th't Tr!th is 9ove. A&d 9ove he'ls.
41
A CRY IN THE DESERT
0!t =h't o+ her li+e> #h't h'd h'ppe&ed th't ='s
po=er+!l e&o!gh to reve'l this 9ove i& her> I
deter,i&ed to +i&d o!t. ;&e eve&i&g '+ter ' <'theri&g I
'ppro')hed her.
80yro&>:
She t!r&ed '&d s,iled. 8Yes( ho&ey>:
80yro&( IF, ' =riter. I thi&$ IF, s!pposed to =rite '
"oo$ '"o!t yo!. #h't do yo! thi&$> 8
8Yes. ItFs tr!e. A&d '&ythi&g yo! ='&t to $&o=(
'&ythi&g yo! &eed to =rite this "oo$( I =ill "e there(
t=e&ty1+o!r ho!rs ' d'y( to give it to yo!. .!st 's$.:
Th't si,ple.
At +irst I did&Ft $&o= =h't I &eeded. The& people
"eg'& telli&g ,e their stories. 0yro& sh'red '!dio t'pes
o+ <'theri&gs '&d o+ the =or$shop I 'tte&ded. She ,et
=ith ,e. She '&s=ered every *!estio& I )o!ld thi&$ !p.
eople +illed o!t *!estio&&'ires '&d se&t the, to ,e.
S!dde&ly( it see,ed( I h'd +i+ty ho!rs o+ t'pes( '
photogr'ph o+ 0yro&( l'!ghi&g( o& ,y des$( '&d 'll the
ti,e i& the =orld. I ='s re'dy to "egi&.
44
A#A-ENIN<
0yro& -'tieFs li+e "eg'& i& %e"r!'ry o+ 1926 =he&
she ='s +orty1three. A )o)$ro')h )r'=led over her +oot.
She l'y o& the +loor i& '& 'tti) roo, o+ ' ho!se o& the
"e')h G!st o!tside o+ 9os A&geles. It ='s ' h'l+='y
ho!se +or =o,e& re)overi&g +ro, e'ti&g disorders(
=hi)h 0yro& &o= ide&ti+ies 's thi&$i&g disorders. She
does&Ft $&o= ho= lo&g she l'y there. Ti,e is
&o&eDiste&t. She )o!ld&Ft lie i& the "ed. She )o!ld&Ft go
do=&st'irs. She ='s told th't the other =o,e& =ere
'+r'id. -'tie r'ged. They +e'red she =o!ld "re'$
thro!gh( thro= her e&or,o!s "ody thro!gh the lo)$s(
the "oo"ytr'ps( '&d h!rt the, 'll. She tells ,e th't +or
t=o =ee$s she ='s 8&ot eve& )ohere&t( re'llyI i&s'&e
thi&gs =ere goi&g o& i& ,y he'd. I ='s 'sleep '&d the
sleep +elt li$e r'ge. E'rly o&e ,or&i&g ' )o)$ro')h
)r'=led over ,y +oot ? I ='s '='$e.:
As +'r 's she $&o=s &o=( she h'd "ee& de'd( '&d
this '='$e&i&g res!rre)ted her. 9i$e '& i&+'&t she st'red
't her +oot. 8I eDperie&)ed the +eeli&g o+ this )o)$ro')h
,ovi&g over ,y +oot. I s'= ' +oot '&d I did&Ft $&o= it
='s ,i&e. I s'= the )o)$ro')h '&d I tho!ght it ='s ,e. I
s'= the +oot ,ove i& re')tio&. I &oti)ed ' prior tho!ght
'&d the .oy eDperie&)ed i& th't re)og&itio& is "eyo&d
=ords. The h'&d ,oved. The "ody ,oved. She rose 's
)o&s)io!s&ess o"servi&g itsel+( 'll ' res!lt o+ prior
tho!ght 'lre'dy do&e( delighted( ='l$i&g( ,ovi&g ?
'&i,'tio& o"servi&g itsel+. She livesJ:
0elie+s "o,"'rded +ro, the ,'teri'l =orld. 8I
loo$ed !p '&d I s'= the "ed "e)'!se IFd "ee& sleepi&g
o& the +loor. I eDperie&)ed th't theyFd ,'de !p ' "ed +or
4B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
,e( '&d I s'= th't the "ed h'd "ee& there 'll the ti,e
eve& tho!gh I h'd&Ft re)og&iHed it. I "e)',e '='re o+ '
"elie+ th't I ='s&Ft =orth ' "ed ? '& '&)ie&t dre',. I
)',e to $&o=( i&st'&tly( th't it ='s( i& +')t( o$'y to lie
o& it. Everythi&g( i,'gi&ed or !&i,'gi&ed( is o$'y. 9i+e
's I h'd $&o=& it ='s )h'&ged.:
She h'd &o ='y o+ disti&g!ishi&g =here she le+t o++
'&d so,ethi&g else "eg'&. 8I ='s the 'll ? '&d the 'll
='s ,e(: she s'ys &o=( "!t 't th't ti,e she h'd &o
re+ere&)e to '&y $i&d o+ l'&g!'ge( '&y philosophi)'l
syste, o+ spirit!'l pr')ti)e th't ,ight ide&ti+y th't 8'll:
+or her. 8Ho= )o!ld the !&de+i&'"le "e ide&ti+ied> I
$&e= &othi&g o+ spirit!'l ,'tters. I $&e= &othi&g o+
<odI I $&e= &othi&g o+ 0!ddh'I I $&e= &othi&g o+
st!de&ts o+ spirit!'lity. I did&Ft !&derst'&d =hy people
eve& "othered to st!dy s!)h ,'tters. I& +')t( I $&e=
&othi&g. I did&Ft thi&$. I ='s G!st tryi&g to s!rvive. I s'=
doors '&d I s'= )eili&gs '&d I s'= people '&d =he& yo!
spo$e I vi"r'ted =ith the so!&d ? yo!r voi)e ? I did&Ft
$&o= =h't it ='s.:
Her h!s"'&d )',e. Her )hildre& )',e. She did&Ft
re)og&iHe the, i& the ='y =e t'$e +or gr'&ted. She
st'red 't the,. The o&e they )'lled her h!s"'&d s'id he
='s '!l. She $&e= it ='s tr!e. #he& they s'id
8h!s"'&d: '&d 8)hildre&: she 'lso $&e= th't to "e tr!e.
8All this &',i&g is ' )os,i) Go$e(: 0yro& eDpl'i&s. 8I&
this h!,'& re'l, =e &',e thi&gs. Th'tFs +i&e =ith ,e.
ItFs +!&. 0!t itFs &ever ,e'&t to "e t'$e& 's the Re'lity l
'lso =o!ld loo$ 't ,y h'&ds '& see@: she p'!ses( 't '
loss +or =ords( 8h'&ds( h!s"'&d( )hildre& ? 'll the s',e(
'll loved( 'll 'dored.:
She st'red 't her +',ily +ro, =h't +elt li$e
,ille&&i' o+ dist'&)e '&d +ro, th't dist'&)e rose the
tho!ght o+ )hildre&.
45
0!t the tho!ght ='s o+ little o&es '&d these =ere
gro=& !p. 8They s'id they =ere ,i&e '&d ,y h!s"'&d
s'id =e =ere ,'rried '&d other people 'greed '&d so =e
=ere. #e still 're. IF, devoted to th't. I ', devoted to
=h't I =o$e !p to. ItFs the o"vio!s. Th'tEs ho= I $&o=
=ho I ',. #h't I "e)',e devoted to ='s the thi&g1i&
+ro&t o+ ,e.:
Th'tFs i& retrospe)t. 0')$ the& 0yro& -'tie ='s
lost i& ' =orld =itho!t deli&e'tio&. 0yro&Fs d'!ghter(
RoD'&&( =ho ='s '"o!t siDtee& 't th't ti,e( eDperie&)ed
her ,other 's h'vi&g regressed to '"o!t t=o ye'rs o+
'ge. 8I led her 'ro!&d "y the h'&d(: she re,e,"ers(
8'&d she )ried "e)'!se she ='s lost. She =e&t +ro,
"ei&g ' r'ge+!l =o,'& to this little lost girl.:
It ='s 'l,ost 's tho!gh -'tie =ere &ot hersel+( the
loss o+ her +or,er =orld ='s so tot'l. A&d it persisted.
So,e ti,e '+ter her ret!r& ho,e +ro, the h'l+='y
ho!se( she 'tte&ded ' )l'ss re!&io& '&d did&Ft re)og&iHe
her +or,er high s)hool )l'ss,'tes. 80!t I $&e= +ro, '
,illio& ye'rs 'go =ho they =ere. I $&e= 't so,e level ?
their vi"r'tory level ? i&ti,'tely. I $&e= everythi&g
'"o!t the, "!t I )o!ld&Ft tell yo! =h't it ='sI I )o!ld&Ft
tell yo! their &',es '&d I )o!ld&Et )o&&e)t the +')es. I
$&e= "eyo&d +')es '&d &',es. The& they st'rted telli&g
,e =ho I ='s. I h'd 'll these people IFd $&o=& +ro,
)hildhood( 'll +illi&g i& ,y li+e +or ,e. It ='s =o&der+!l.
Th'tFs o&e ='y I )'& $&o= h!,'&&ess( =ho I ', i& the
,'teri'l =orld.:
Her livi&g ='s ,ore pro+o!&d th'& )'& "e
ide&ti+ied or eDpl'i&ed "y the =ord amnesia. It ='s&Ft
si,ply th't she did&Ft re,e,"er peopleFs +')es or =here
her ho!se ='s lo)'ted. SheFd lost her e&tire str!)t!re +or
per)eivi&g re'lity 's she h'd $&o=& it. The '"ility to
)o,,!&i)'te =e&t =ith it. -'tie h'd to st'rt +ro,
s)r't)h.
4A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8Ho= )'& I t'l$ =ith yo! =itho!t spe'$i&g o+ p'st
'&d +!t!re> Ho= )'& I p!t se&te&)es together> Ho= )'&
I tell yo! =h't '&ythi&g is> I did&Ft $&o= =h't ,y ho!se
='s( =h't ,y to=& ='s. I did&Ft $&o= =h't '&ything
='s. I did&Ft $&o= there ='s '&ythi&g to F='s.F So I h'd
to le'r& h!,'&&essI I h'd to le'r& to )o,,!&i)'te the
='y th't I see. A&d the ='y th't I see is to see i& the
tot'l prese&t( =ith &o p'st or +!t!re( =ee$ '+ter =ee$(
,o&th '+ter ,o&th( ye'r '+ter ye'r ? =ith &o "elie+
'tt')hi&g itsel+ to tho!ght( ever.:
She st'rted right there 't the h'l+='y ho!se. She
)',e do=&st'irs '&d the ther'pists t'!ght her to
,edit'te. Eve& h'd she eDperie&)ed '='re&ess o+ her
+or,er li+e( ,edit'tio& =o!ld h've "ee& +oreig& to her.
8IF, this =o,'& +ro, 0'rsto=( yo! $&o=( '&d =e do&Ft
do th't. #eFd o&ly re'd '"o!t g!r!s '&d s!)h thi&gs i&
the +!&&y p'pers. The ther'pists told ,e si,ply =h't to
do( '&d I ='s so '='$e th't I G!st "elieved the,. They
told ,e =h't to do '&d I did it. This ='s p!re .oy. This
='s li+e lived si,ply. To ')t =itho!t tho!ght is divi&e.:
D!ri&g the ,edit'tio&s 0yro& -'tie ,oved deeply
i&to her 8'='$e: eDperie&)e( so deep( i& +')t( th't she
lost to!)h =ith the se&sory =orld. ;&e d'y d!ri&g the
,edit'tio& '& '!to,o"ile )r'shed i&to so,ethi&g o& the
street i& +ro&t o+ the h'l+='y ho!se. eople G!,ped !p
'&d r'& to the =i&do=s "!t 0yro& -'tie s't there( still i&
,edit'tio&( )o,pletely o"livio!s to the &oise( the
)o,,otio&. 8The& =he& they dire)ted ,e to )o,e o!t( I
)',e o!t. They =ere 'll t'l$i&g '"o!t the '!to,o"ile
'))ide&t. 0!t I h'd do&e =h't they told ,e '&d I tr!sted
i& th't. I ='s i& ,edit'tio&. I ='s G!st +ollo=i&g
dire)tio&s.:
0yro& s'ys th't d!ri&g the ,edit'tio&s she le+t '&d
)',e "')$ =ith $&o=ledge th't she )'lls revel'tio&s.
46
'!l )h!)$les over this &o= '&d s'ys he te'ses her '"o!t
t'$i&g ti,e o++ '&d goi&g to )ollege =he& he ='s&Ft
loo$i&g. This $&o=ledge ='s &e= to her. eople )'lled
it =ise( )le'r. These =ere thi&gs sheFd &ever see,ed to
&o= "e+ore.
%or three ye'rs the revel'tio&s =ere &o&stop(:
0yro& eDpl'i&s &o=. I =o!ld liter'lly t'$e the, to the
streets '&d try to tell people( "!t it s)'red the, '&d so
they ,oved '='y +ro, ,e. Re'lly( the revel'tio&s
)o!ld&Ft "e p!t i&to =ords. Th't ='s =here I ='s doi&g
h'r,( "y tryi&g to p!t the, i&to =ords. ;&)e i& =ords
they &'rro= do=& to very si,ple thi&gs li$e unknowing
is eerything! no time$ no s"ace! there is only %oe! I
am %oe. These si,ple thi&gs 're everythi&g. They 're
everythi&g. S'id i& =ords they 're so si,ple "!t they
)'&Ft "e he'rdI they )'& o&ly "e eDperie&)ed. They )'&
"e told i& the stories th't I live '&d people so,eti,es
get the eDperie&)e. ;&e =ho is th't eDperie&)e )'& te')h
it "e)'!se the eDperie&)e is the te')hi&g. ;&ly o&e =ith
the '='re&ess th't she is th't revel'tio& )'& )o&siste&tly
t'$e th't ro'd. All th't st'&ds i& the ='y o+ '='re&ess
're the ,'&y +or,s o+ ide's th't represe&t ' "elie+ th't
=e 're &ot th't revel'tio&. #e 're stopped =he& =e
"elieve =e 're &ot =h't =e re'lly 'reI th't is the po=er
o+ "elie+. #e 're stopped "y '&y )o&)eptPper)eptio& th't
t'$es !s +ro, the '='re&ess o+ 8I A,.:
She ',pli+ies the revel'tio&s =ith stories o+ those
ye'rs '+ter the origi&'l '='$e&i&g. 8There is &o ti,e(:
she )l'i,s. 8There is &o sp')e.: 0!t she s'ys ,ore. 8I
,issed l'rge sp')es i& ti,e. ;&e eD',ple I li$e to give
is th't I st'rted ' lo'd o+ l'!&dry '&d ='l$ed to the
$it)he&. I did&Ft he'r the ='shi&g ,')hi&e goi&g so I
=e&t "')$ to )he)$ o& the )lothes '&d they =ere 'lre'dy
='shed. I did&Et $&o= =h't ti,e h'd el'psed. It ='s
4C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
the& th't I st'rted $&o=i&g i& this di,e&sio& ? ho= )'& I
s'y it> ? the de,o&str'tio& o+ &o ti,e or sp')e. I did&Ft
G!st know itI it ='s de,o&str'ted. I ='s =itho!t tho!ght.
The& I h'd ' tho!ght. I& the sp')e "et=ee&( the )lothes
=ere ='shed.
8The& I ='s i& ' hot t!" '&d he'rd the =ord( Adita
'&d it ='s ' =o&der+!l eDperie&)e +or ,e. It )',e o!t o+
,e 's tho!gh it =ere trippi&g over ' )hildFs to&g!e(
iss!i&g +ro, ' )hildFs lips. I s'id it over '&d over '&d
over. It ='s +',ili'r. It ='s the so!&d o+ ahhh( so
lovely( t=i)e i& o&e =ord. I s't i& the hot t!" '&d
"e)',e '='re th't I h'd&Ft "ee& "re'thi&g +or ' lo&g
ti,e '&d th't I ='s '='$e '&d th't 'll o+ this ='s "ei&g
do&e =itho!t "re'th( i& "liss.:
0yro& sh'res 'll these eDperie&)es =ith !s 's
eD',ples o+ the '='$e&i&g pro)ess. The !&+',ili'r )'&
terroriHe !s. She ='&ts !s to $&o= th't ='$i&g !p is +!&.
She ='&ts !s to re'liHe th't =e do&Ft h've to sh!t the
pro)ess do=& "e)'!se o+ the terror =e ,ight +eel 's '
res!lt o+ o!r !&+',ili'rity =ith it.
8I& this pro)ess I h've "ee& p'r'lyHed +ro, the
='ist do=& 's ,y "ody ='s prep'red. 7y legs =ere
p'r'lyHed '&d I eDperie&)ed o&ly "liss( &ot $&o=i&g
=h't it is +or i& Fti,eF '&d &ot )'ri&g. This is ho= itFs
do&e. This is the ,'&i+est'tio&. #ho ', I to s'y> A&d
=hy =o!ld I> There 're &o tho!ghts +or this. This is the
o&ly ='y I )'& )o,,!&i)'te it to yo!. Everythi&g is '
gi+t.
8There ='s ' ti,e =he& I ='s =ith so,e people
'&d I eDperie&)ed th't ,y =hole "ody dre= !p li$e '
g&'rly old l'dy. I+ yo!Fd h've h'd to ,ove ,y li,"s( ,y
+i&gers( ,y toes( yo! =o!ld h've h'd to "re'$ ,y "ody
to do it. I ='s li$e th't +or over '& ho!r o&e d'y. They
,oved ,e i&to ' "edroo, '&d 's$ed i+ they )o!ld dr!,(
"!r& s'ge( '&d r!" ,y +eet. I )o!ld see th't this =o!ld
42
ple'se the,( '&d th'tFs =h't IF, here +or. The gi+t to ,e
='s th't I got to see h!,'&s "!r&i&g s'ge '&d
dr!,,i&g. I got to eDperie&)e th't h!,'&s r!" +eet. I
got to see rit!'l per+or,ed i& the 'tte,pt to ='rd o++
+e'r. The &eDt d'y it h'ppe&ed 'g'i&. ;& the se)o&d d'y
' s)re', iss!ed +orth +ro, this "ody. Ye'rs l'ter( ,y
+rie&d A&&( told ,e this ='s ' pri,ordi'l s)re',I it is
=ithi& everyo&e. At the ti,e( I did&Ft $&o= th't. I si,ply
he'rd the s)re', '&d th't it )',e +ro, this "ody. The
s)re', )o&ti&!ed +or '& ho!r. At &o ti,e did I
eDperie&)e it 's perso&'l. I )'ll it FThe S)re',.E It is old
"elie+s( 's "ody( )'t)hi&g i& !p to e&lighte&ed ,i&d ?
"elie+ syste,s !&do&e. A+ter FThe S)re',F( the people
's$ed ,e &ot to )o,e "')$. It ='s their "elie+ th't I ='s
too ope& '&d th't d'r$ e&tities )o!ld possess ,e =itho!t
e++ort. 7y $&o=ledge is: There is o&ly <od. I )o!ld
sh!t do=& '&d live i& +e'r o+ d'r$ e&tities( p'r'lysis(
s)re',s( peopleFs opi&io&s( or I )'& live 's 9ight.
D'r$&ess )'&&ot s!rvive the 9ight. A&d 9ight is Tr!th.
8#h't ' privilege to serve yo! g&'rled. #h't '
privilege to serve yo! this ='y or th't ='y. ThereFs o&ly
servi&g. The o&ly .oy is i& the servi&g. I serve ,e +irst.
I+ I serve yo! it is o&ly to serve ,eI I ', so )le'r '"o!t
&ot $&o=i&g =h't yo! &eed. I )'&Ft $&o= =h't yo! &eed.
It is&Ft ,y "!si&ess to $&o= =h't yo! &eed ? itFs yo!rs.
Yo! 're respo&si"le +or +!l+illi&g yo!r &eeds. So i+ yo!
&eed so,ethi&g( 's$( '&d i+ I )'& s!pply th't( the& I do
it( +or ,e( "e)'!se i& th't doi&g is ,y .oy. Yo!Fre there
to sho= ,e .oy so I )'& serve e&dlessly( e++ortlessly.
0!t I do&Ft step i&to the del!sio&'l thi&$i&g th't it is +or
yo!. Yo! do yo!rs. I& th't doi&g 'll the "oo$s o+ 9i+e
live.:
49
A CRY IN THE DESERT
To -'tieFs &e= ='y o+ seei&g( her +or,er li+e
loo$ed !pside do=&. The people =ho )',e i& )o&t')t
=ith her '+ter her )o)$ro')h eDperie&)e( i&)l!di&g her
+',ily( +o!&d her '& e&ig,'. They tried to +it her i&to
their eDperie&)e. She liste&ed '&d she "elieved e')h o+
the, !&til =h'tever they s'id &o lo&ger )oi&)ided =ith
=h't ='s "ei&g reve'led to her +ro, =ithi&
8I =o$e !p '&d people st'rted ,i,i)$i&g ,e(
0yro& s'ys 's she des)ri"es =h't this ti,e ='s li$e +or
her. 8They too$ o& ,y )h'r')teristi)s '&d t'l$ed li$e ,e
'&d g've ,e +eed"')$ li$e Fyo!Fre '='$eI yo!Fre ' thisI
yo!Ere ' th't.F I h'd &o )l!e. I ='s G!st ope&i&g ,y eyes.
IFd get i&to the sho=er '&d dis)over ' legJ A&d it ='s
,i&e> A&d ,y h'&ds =o!ld "e ='shi&g '&d IFd thi&$ ?
=h't is it doi&g> IFd "eg!& to see thro!gh di++ere&t eyes.
The .oy o+ this )'&&ot "e des)ri"ed.:
So,e people )'lled her walk&in. It ='s '&
ide&ti+i)'tio& th't g've her re+!ge +or sever'l ye'rs
"e)'!se it ')ted 's ' ,et'phor to eDpl'i& =h't +elt
i&eDpli)'"le '"o!t her eDperie&)e. eople told 0yro&
th't she ='s ' spirit!'l e&tity th't h'd t'$e& possessio&
o+ this "ody "y 'gree,e&t '&d th't the o&e her h!s"'&d
'&d )hildre& $&e= '&d re)og&iHed ='s de'd.
8They s'id FYo! =ere dyi&g '&y='y( so yo!
='l$ed o!t '&d the walk&in stepped i&.F It so!&ded +i&e
to ,eI I did&Ft re)og&iHe ,y ho,eI I did&Ft re)og&iHe
+rie&ds( +',ily( '&yo&e. I ='s seei&g everythi&g &e= '&d
they &',ed th't walk&in. Th't +it +or ,e. I ,!st "e here
o& the pl'&et +or the +irst ti,e( ' "ei&g o+ 9ight "e)'!se
'll I see is 9ove '&d I do&Ft !&derst'&d =hy others
prete&d th't they do&Ft see it 'lso. At the s',e ti,e I
$&e= th't 'll o+ !s 're the s',e( the others G!st =ere&Ft
'='re o+ it yet ? th'tFs =h't ti,e doesI it te')hes !s
spe)i+i)'lly ho= to live i& eDperie&)e 's )'!se '&d
e++e)t.
B3
So I )o!ld "e ' walk&in. I "elieve everyo&e. I ', ' walk&
inI I ', ='l$ o!tI I ', 'll thi&gs.
RoD'&& 'lso +o!&d the des)riptio& help+!l. She
s'ys( 8I do&Ft $&o= ho= to des)ri"e =h't she ='s li$e
=he& she )',e ho,e. eople s'id she ='s ' walk&in. IF,
&ot s'yi&g th'tFs =h't she ='s( "!t this is =h't it ='s
li$e: She ='s 's i+ she =ere de'd. The& she )',e o!t o+
the h'l+='y ho!se. Her +')e ='s )h'&ged )o,pletely.
Her eyes =ere )le'red. She ='s &ot the s',e perso&.
9'ter o& 0yro& re'liHed th't walk&in is sy,"oli).
8I+ =e do&Ft s!rvive o!r re'lity o& o&e level(: she
s'ys( 8#e go to ' di++ere&t level 'l='ys 'v'il'"le to !s
=ithi& '&d 're served 'l='ys. The higher te')hi&gs th't
)o,e to ,e +ro, this level sho= ,e th't there is o&ly
;&e. It ='s ,e re)og&iHi&g 7e. The &eDt step )'&Ft "e
told. There 're &o =ords +or it.:
The esse&)e o+ 0yro&Fs '='$e&i&g is Tr!th.
Co,,it,e&t to Tr!th is pri,'ry +or her. The ,o,e&t o+
the )o)$ro')h t'!ght her this. I& the i,,edi')y o+ the
,o,e&t( everythi&g ='s ;&e. The& her ,i&d ,oved her
slightly o++ th't re'liH'tio& to the se&se o+ 8+oot: 's
sep'r'te +ro, 8)o)$ro')h: '&d +ro, th't to the &otio& o+
I ', &ot...: This ,ove,e&t '='y )o!ld h've )o&ti&!ed
'&d eve&t!'lly she =o!ld h've 'rrived 't the st'te o+
"ei&g she eDperie&)ed "e+ore '='$e&i&g. 0!t i&ste'd o+
,ovi&g '='y( she ret!r&ed to the 8;&e&ess o!t o+ 'll
"elie+s.:
8I s'=. I +elt. The& I lost it. A&d I ide&ti+ied th't it
='s '& !&tr!e "elie+ '"o!t =h't I s'= '&d( there+ore(
+elt th't "elie+ ='s the ,ove,e&t '='y. I s'= th't the
"elie+ ='s&Ft re'l. I !&le'r&ed the )o&)ept 'tt')hed to
NseeE '&d F+eelF '&d eDperie&)ed Fho,eF 'g'i&. All th't
&eeds to "e do&e is to develop this pro)ess. A&d this is
=h't I te')h ? 1 ' =ritte& ='y o+ st'yi&g i& '='$e&ed
Tr!th. #he&
B1
A CRY IN THE DESERT
yo! $&o= th't it is yo!r "elie+ 'tt')hed to yo!r tho!ght(
yo!r !&tr!e )o&)epts( th't sep'r'tes yo!( itFs over. ItFs
do&e. Yo!Fre '='$e.
8#he& I ='s ' )hild( I $&e= I ='s 9ove. The& I
h'd the tho!ght th't I was not( !&til I ='s +orty1three
'&d Tr!th )',e to ,e i& the pe')e o+ the ,o,e&t '&d I
$&e= 'g'i& th't I was. The& I h'd the tho!ght th't I
wasn't( '&d i&ste'd o+ its l'sti&g +orty1three ye'rs( I
re)og&iHed it &o= +or =h't it ='s '&d ', 'g'i& the
'='re&ess o+ the I Am. Eve& th't tho!ght is t=o steps
'='y +ro, the Divi&e th't )'&Et "e told ? o&ly
eDperie&)ed.:
6&le'r&i&g is ,o,e&t1"y1,o,e&t =or$. It re*!ires
dedi)'tio& '&d re&!&)i'tio&. -'tie $&e= she &eeded
help. To get th't help she =e&t +ro, te')her to te')her(
"egi&&i&g =ith the ther'pists 't the h'l+='y ho!se. %ro,
the st'rt she )hose to st'y =ith Tr!th. Tr!th ='s her
highest )hoi)e. Tr!th ='s higher th'& either 'tt')h,e&t
or loss. She re'liHed th't 'tt')h,e&t '&d the per)eptio&
o+ loss is the o&ly de'th. 9i+e spri&gs +orth 's =e let go
o+ 'tt')h,e&t.
'!l ='&ted to t'$e her ho,e i,,edi'tely. He ='s
ill. D!ri&g the seve& ye'rs th't pre)eded her '='$e&i&g(
-'tie h'd +'lle& ,ore '&d ,ore deeply i&to ' depressive
st'te( '&d '!l h'd t'$e& o& the servi)e o+ )'re. He did
=h'tever he )o!ld to )'rry her( to )'rry the +',ily( to
)'rry their "!si&ess thro!gh. He loved the, 'll. '!l
tells ,e( 8#he& yo! love so,eo&e( yo! love the,(
th'tEs 'll. It does&Ft ,'tter i+ they 're +'t or thi&( s'&e or
i&s'&e( si)$ or =ell. Yo! G!st love the,( '&d it goes
"eyo&d 'll those thi&gs.:
He )'rried ' =eight &ot ,e'&t +or '&y h!,'&
"ei&g. It ='s&Et his love th't ='s so he'vy. 9ove $ept
hi, 'live. 9ove $ept the, 'll 'live. 9ove is ' +ree gi+t
B4
'&d +rees the o&e =ho gives 's =ell 's the o&e =ho
re)eives. The "!rde& '!l )'rried ='s the re*!ire,e&t
he pl')ed !po& hi,sel+ to s've the, 'll( to $eep -'tie
'live.
He 'l,ost died. D!ri&g the seve& ye'rs o+ -'tieFs
ill&ess( '!l s!++ered +o!r he'rt 'tt')$s. She +elt terri+ied
th't he =o!ld die. It ='s 's tho!gh -'tie '&d '!l =ere
dyi&g o&e '&otherFs de'ths.
8I "eg'& to die those seve& ye'rs(: she s'ys o+ th't
ti,e( 8'&d i& the ,e'&ti,e I ,'rried '!l. I ='s so si)$
=he& I ,'rried hi,. I ='s so )o&+!sed. So )o&+!sed ?
'&d I did it '&y='y( G!st li$e I did everythi&g else ? so
)o&+!sed. The& I liter'lly "eg'& to die '&d he st'yed
=ith ,e '&d he st'yed '&d st'yed. He ,'rried ,e 't the
e&d '&d st'yed. He too$ )'re o+ the )hildre&. He ='s
their ,other1+'ther. I ='s re'lly o!t o+ ,y ,i&d. No
,'tter =h't I s'id or did( he st'yed.
8#he& I =o$e !p he )',e to the h'l+='y ho!se to
t'$e ,e ho,e( '&d his do)tor +iDed hi, !p =ith he'rt
,o&itors. They told the 'd,i&istr'tors th't i+ I did&Ft
)o,e ho,e he =o!ld die o+ ' he'rt 'tt')$. He h'd
'lre'dy eDperie&)ed +o!r he'rt 'tt')$s( '&d e')h ti,e
they s'id he ='s&Ft goi&g to live. KAll o+ this h'ppe&ed
"e+ore I =o$e !p.L 7y tho!ght ='s th't he =o!ld h've
'&other ,'ssive )oro&'ry '&d =o!ld go i&to i&te&sive
)'re '&d die. It ='s terri+yi&gJ He ='s ,y )'ret'$er.
8So he )',e to the h'l+='y ho!se '+ter I =o$e !p
'&d told ,e I h'd to )o,e ho,e or he ='s goi&g to die. I
loo$ed 't hi, '&d told hi,: FI+ I do&Ft )o,e ho,e yo!
,'y die. I+ I )o,e ho,e I will die.F
8IFd 'lre'dy h'd the )o)$ro')h eDperie&)e so I $&e=.
I $&e=. Nothi&g ,oved ,e +ro, <od 't th't poi&t.
Nothi&g. A&d i& the h'l+='y ho!se people t'l$ed '"o!t
<od.:
BB
A CRY IN THE DESERT
'!l did&Ft $&o= her. He loved her( eve& )h'&ged(
"!t he did&Ft $&o= her '&y ,ore th'& she $&e= hi,. He
l'!ghs over it &o=( s'yi&g th't =he&( +i&'lly( she )',e
ho,e( she ='s so,eo&e else. He told her he &eeded to
go "')$ to the h'l+='y ho!se to +i&d his =i+e. At the
ti,e( '!l s'ys( the loss ='s dev'st'ti&g. 8I p')ed
thro!gh the ho!se +or sever'l ye'rs 's$i&g( F#here did
she go>F8
Ch'&ge is )h'&ge eve& =he& it is +or the "etter.
A&d 8#he& the slightest thi&g )h'&ges(: 0yro& -'tie
s'ys( 8Everythi&g )h'&ges "e)'!se the slightest thi&g is
everythi&g.: Her )h'&ge ,e'&t th't the =hole +',ily
=o!ld )h'&ge '&d they resisted.
8I h'ted her(: RoD'&& sh'res. 8I ='s siDtee& ye'rs
old '&d ,y ,o, ='s go&eJ I tho!ght she ='s +!ll o+
shit. I tho!ght FSheFll get ,e. SheFll lo=er the "oo, G!st
li$e "e+ore. This is ' tri)$.F A)t!'lly I ='s so s)'red th't
sheFd )o,e "')$ ? the o&e she ='s "e+ore she =e&t to
the h'l+='y ho!se( the "e'st( '&d IFd do '&ythi&g to $eep
th't o&e '='y. The other p'rt o+ it ='s th't she
)o&ti&!'lly )h'lle&ged 'll the "elie+s sheFd o&)e give& to
,e. 9i$e( sheFd tell ,e I )o!ld )hoose. Choose>J #'s
she $iddi&g> #hy h'd&Ft she )hose&( "e+ore( i+ )hoosi&g
='s so e'sy> #ho did she thi&$ she ='s $iddi&g> I
tho!ght she ='s ,essi&g =ith ,y "r'i&. I did&Ft "elieve
her.:
0yro&Fs so&( Ross( =ho tot'lly '))epted her li+e
"e+ore tre't,e&t( =hoFd 'l='ys do&e =h'tever ='s
&eeded to o"t'i& her '))ept'&)e( =ho h'd sh'red =h't
she &o= )'lls her i&s'&ity( +elt "etr'yed. 8I ='s i&
de&i'l. #he& everyo&e s'id she ='s si)$( I did&Ft thi&$
B5
she h'd ' pro"le,. #h't she ='s see,ed &or,'l
"e)'!se IFd eDperie&)ed her th't ='y +or eightee& ye'rs.
I did&Ft $&o= '&y di++ere&t. The& she st'rted getti&g i&to
'll o+ her spirit!'lity( '&d it ='s very( very =eird ?
)r'Hily =eird. I ='s $i&d o+ li$e( e,"'rr'ssed( "e)'!se
she ='s so Fo!t there.F She ='s i& o!ter sp')e. I thi&$
=h't h'ppe&ed ='s th't she hit the eDtre,e opposite.
She ='s ' sp')e "ei&g. It ='s very( very r'di)'l. I did&Ft
"elieve her.:
0yro&Fs ,other( =ho h'd 'l='ys t'$e& gre't pride
i& 0yro& -'tieFs ')hieve,e&ts( st'yed '='y. 8#he&
-'tie ='s re'lly( re'lly si)$(: she tells ,e( 8I h've to
s'y th't I ='s &ot the perso& to de'l =ith it. It ='s '
terri"le ti,e( '&d 'll I +elt ='s th't I did&Ft $&o= ho= to
)ope =ith it '&d I +elt reGe)ted. 0e)'!se it &ever
o))!rred to ,e th't people got si)$ '&d t!r&ed o& people
they love. It ='s s'd. I did thi&$( tho!gh( th't I ='s &ot
the "est perso& to "e =ith -'tie.:
The losses th't +ollo=ed 0yro&Fs '='$e&i&g '&d
her s!"se*!e&t =or$ to st'y i& Tr!th to!)hed her to the
)ore. 0yro& s'ys th't( letti&g go o+ 'tt')h,e&t is
so,eti,es eDperie&)ed 's s'd&ess. The o&ly letti&g go
o+ 'tt')h,e&t is the letti&g go o+ ' "elie+. 0!t th't letti&g
go is( !lti,'tely( the loss o+ ' =hole =orld. #e '='$e
+ro, ' dre', to see the ,ythology =e )re'te '&d
s!"stit!te +or Re'lity.
8I lived sep'r'ted +ro, ,y +',ily o+ origi& ? ,y
,other( older sister( yo!&ger "rother( &ie)es( '&d
&ephe=s ? +or +ive ye'rsI it ='s so p'i&+!l. I =o$e !p
'&d they =ere&Ft there( '&d I ='s&Ft i&vited to Christ,'s
or Th'&$sgivi&g or their "irthd'ys. Holid'ys =ere
'rr'&ged thro!gho!t the ye'r( '&d I ='s&Ft i&vited '&d
&either =ere ,y )hildre&( =hi)h is !&derst'&d'"le d!e
BA
A CRY IN THE DESERT
to the )h'&ge th't h'd t'$e& pl')e. It ='s so s)'ry. I
tho!ght I =o!ld die o+ the loss. So I h'd to love
so,ethi&g higher. I h'd to st'y =ith the ,other th't I
$&e=. Th't ,other ='s Tr!th.
8I s'y it li$e it ='s &othi&g( "!t. . . . A&d I do sh're
it =ith people 'l='ys. #he&ever I ='s 'ro!&d ,y
+',ily( they tre'ted ,e 's i+ I =ere goi&g to "re'$( 's i+ I
=ere so +r'gile( '&d it see,ed they )o!ld&Ft get '='y
+ro, ,e +'st e&o!gh. They g've ,e the gi+t o+ "ei&g
=itho!t +',ily o& the physi)'l level o+ re'lity. This ='s
'& ho&ori&g "eyo&d =h't I )o!ld $&o=. It l'sted +ive
ye'rs.
8I h'd to h've Tr!th. It ='s ho= I st'yed +ree.
%',ilies le've. %rie&ds le've. ;!r )hildre& le've.
7others le've. H!s"'&ds le've. <od is. Tr!th is. <od
&ever ,oves. Th'tFs ho= lovi&g <od is. #e ,ove '='y
through <od so th't =e )'& $&o= =h't =e )'& $&o=.
#e 're 'll i&&o)e&t.:
A+ter three or +o!r =ee$s( -'tie le+t the h'l+='y
ho!se '&d )',e ho,e. The +',ily eDpe)ted thi&gs
=o!ld ret!r& to &or,'l( th't -'tie =o!ld 'g'i& "e)o,e
the perso& she h'd "ee& "e+ore her seve&1ye'r slide i&to
depressio& '&d de'th. %or her( tho!gh( th't ='y o+ "
"ei&g ='s go&e It ='s&Ft &or,'l '&y,ore. She re')hed
to='rd the,( they ye'r&ed to='rd her( "!t they )o!ld&Ft
,eet.
8I ='s livi&g i& ' =orld I did&Et re)og&iHe(: she
s'ys. I ='s&Ft '"le '&y lo&ger to do =h't 'll o+ yo! do. I
)o!ld&Ft e't li$e yo! )'&I I )o!ld&Ft see li$e yo! )'&I I
)o!ld&Ft he'r li$e yo! )'&I I )o!ld&Ft ver"'liHe ? &o&e o+
it. I ='s i& p'ssio&'te 9ove +or everyo&e '&d every ti,e
I =e&t to yo! I )o!ld&Ft $eep ,y h'&ds o++ yo!. I ='s
B6
=ild =ith 9ove. I ='s ,'d =ith 9ove. A&d every ti,e I
=e&t to yo!. I s)'red yo!. So I )o!ld&Ft. No&e o+ ,e ='s
'))ept'"le.:
#he& the '&g!ish o+ this 'lie&'tio& "e)',e too
gre't( her h!s"'&d '&d )hildre& &eeded to hold her do=&
o& the "ed =hile they telepho&ed the ther'pists. She told
the ther'pists '"o!t her =ild love( her !&restr'i&ed
)o,p'ssio&. 8A&d they too$ ti,e o!t to he'r ,e. Th't
they =o!ld liste& ='s "eyo&d ,y )o,prehe&sio&. 0!t(
o+ )o!rse( i+ IF, the 9ove( so 're they. I =e&t o!t '&d
+o!&d th't 'll people 're th't ='y. A+ter th't I )o!ld 's$
+or 9ove =itho!t s)'ri&g yo! '&d 'tt')$i&g yo!. IEd G!st
s'y( NIE, &ot doi&g very =ell. C'& yo! hold ,e>F Th't
='s ,y li&e. .!st the Tr!th. #h'tever I ='s +eeli&g.
A&d I ='s &ever t!r&ed do=& "y '&y h!,'&. Ever.
A&y=here. #e 're love.:
-'tie too$ to the streets( =e&t to the people. She '(
's$ed '!l to drive her to the 9os A&geles 're'( G!st to
let her o!t i& the ,iddle o+ the )ity. 8A&d he =o!ld
'rg!e '&d yell so ,!)h th't I did&Ft re)og&iHe hi,. He
=e&t &!ts '"o!t this. I ='s lovi&g everythi&g e*!'lly
'&d he '&d ,y )hildre& =ere very )o&+!sed. A&d this
,'&( ,y h!s"'&d( =o!ld drop ,e o++ =ith =h't he s'=
's ' ho,eless =o,'& i& do=&to=& S'&t' 7o&i)'. HeFd
drop ,e o++ =ith Fthose peopleF '&d le've ,e. He
s!++ered the 'go&y o+ &ot 'l='ys $&o=i&g =he& he ='s
to pi)$ ,e !p( '&d I h'd&Ft "ee& o!t o+ his sight +or
ye'rsI I ='s his "'"y. IFd s'y( FI &eed to do this or I ',
goi&g to die.F This ho,eless =o,'&( =ho h'd 'lso "ee&
o&e o+ the ther'pists 't the h'l+='y ho!se( spo$e o+
thi&gs I )o!ld he'r. She ='s '& A&gel to ,e. '!l
lo'thed this =o,'&. He ,'y h've see& ,e 's lovi&g her
,ore th'& I loved hi,. I =o!ld go to her. I& his ,i&d
she ='s t'$i&g )'re o+ ,e &o=. She ='s &!rt!ri&g ,e.

BC
A CRY IN THE DESERT
Nevertheless he le+t ,e there =ith her. He tr!sted. Th'tFs
9ove. Th'tFs 9ove.:
She 'tte&ded T=elve Step progr',s =ith this
=o,'&. Together they visited pr')titio&ers o+ Ne= Age
spirit!'lity. 8I e&ded !p sleepi&g o& the +loors o+ the
str'&gest pl')es. I st'yed =ith her "e)'!se she h'd
&',es +or =h't ='s h'ppe&i&g to ,e 9'ter I )',e to
re'liHe the possi"ility th't she ,'y &ot h've "ee&
eDperie&)i&g 'll the "e'!ti+!l Tr!th she ='s te')hi&g.
She too$ ,e to people =ho spo$e o+ )h'&&eli&g spirit
g!ides '&d I ='s ','Hed. Eve&t!'lly I )',e to $&o=
'&other Tr!th. ED)ept +or "elie+s th't s'y other=ise(
there is o&ly ;&e. All the rest is proGe)ted.
At o&e poi&t ,y ho,eless +rie&d "e)',e so
+r!str'ted th't she stopped )o&t')ti&g ,e. This ='s the
sep'r'tio& '&d =h't re,'i&s is the 9ove th't I
eDperie&)ed 's this =o,'&. IFd &ever he'rd the thi&gs
she spo$e "e+ore. IFd &ot he'rd th't yo! )o!ld h've the
<od o+ yo!r )hoi)e. I did&Ft $&o= '&ythi&g '"o!t '&y
$i&d o+ )hoi)e.:
A+ter '"o!t ' siD ,o&th +rie&dship =ith this
=o,'&( -'tie "eg'& to live =itho!t her g!id'&)e. 8I
+o!&d th't "ody( li$e 'll eDter&'l thi&gs( is si,ply
'&other sy,"ol re+le)ti&g ,i&d. -'tie =e&t the ='y o+
Tr!th( '&d her "ody respo&ded =ith he'lth. She s'ys
e')h o+ !s is the !lti,'te te')her. She eDperie&)ed th't
=he& she too$ i& '&y '&i,'l so!r)e 's +ood( her to&g!e
"led i& ' strip do=& the )e&ter( '&d she &eeded to =ipe it
=ith tiss!es. E')h ti,e the '&i,'l so!r)e h'd p'ssed
thro!gh her( the "leedi&g stopped !&til the &eDt i&t'$e o+
'&y '&i,'l so!r)e =he& the "leedi&g =o!ld 'g'i&
'ppe'r. C'!se '&d e++e)t is the !lti,'te te')her i& the
,'teri'l di,e&sio&. R'= +r!its '&d veget'"les see,ed
to "e the e'sier +ood her "ody =o!ld '))ept. No ,ore
B2
i)e )re',. No ,ore )ig'rettes or 'l)ohol or red ,e't. No
,ore de'th.
SiD ,o&ths '+ter the )o)$ro')h( the 9'dy )',e.
'!l ='s holdi&g -'tie. They +elt 'go&y( '&other $i&d o+
de'th. I& the ,idst o+ this( she &oti)ed ' =o,'& sitti&g
i& the )h'ir "y the side o+ the "ed. She s't =ith her legs
'p'rt 's '& !&re+i&ed old l'dy ,ight '&d held her h'&ds
i& +ro&t o+ her( ,'$i&g i&terlo)$i&g ri&gs o+ her th!,"s
'&d +ore+i&gers. She loo$ed =o&der+!l to -'tie(
vol!pt!o!s ? '& old l'dy i& ' d'r$ p'isley dress( her h'ir
i& ' "!& o& top o+ her he'd.
-'tie +elt hersel+ ,erge( o&e =ith the o&e th't she
)'lls ,y 9'dy.
8A&d the& I s'= ? 1 all of itJ I ='s this =o,'&(
sitti&g there. I )o!ld see thro!gh her eyes th't 'lso
"e)',e ,y eyes. Th't ='s =here I le'r&ed there is &o
ti,e '&d &o sp')e. It ='s&Ft t'!ghtI it ='s $&o=&. I
loo$ed over 't the ,'& '&d the =o,'&( =ho =ere ,y
h!s"'&d '&d ,e( '&d s'= the terror i& their eyes. They
=ere &ot eve& visi"le to ,e 's ,'& '&d =o,'&I they
=ere "'rely h!,'&. These 're the o&ly =ords I )'& !se
to des)ri"e the, ? 1 "'rely h!,'& +ro, ti,eFs
"egi&&i&g. they =ere s!++eri&g +ro, pro+o!&d g!ilt( '&d
their o&ly g!ilt ='s th't they did&Ft $&o= th't they did&Ft
h've to s!++er. I +elt '& 'll e&)o,p'ssi&g 9ove +or the,
i& their i&&o)e&)e. They did&Ft $&o= =ho they =ereI
they did&Ft yet $&o= the "e'!ty o+ the,selvesI "!t I
$&o=. #h't I ', =e&t so +'r "eyo&d =h't ,y "elie+s( 't
th't ti,e( )o!ld e&)o,p'ss th't I split 'p'rt. This is the
split =e 'll +eel "et=ee& the ,'&i+ested sel+ '&d the re'l
Sel+. A&d th't )'&Ft "e p!t i&to =ords either. #h't I ',
is ' )o,plete( tot'l 9ove th't h's &ever le+t this ;&e. It
='s ' )ell!l'r )h'&ge. It ='s r'di'&t. It st'ys.:
B9
A CRY IN THE DESERT
#ords 're i&)'p'"le o+ des)ri"i&g =ith eD')t&ess
=h't h'ppe&ed to -'tie. She s'ys( 8I shot thro!gh 'll the
re'l,s.: I&st'&t'&eo!sly she "e)',e the '='re&ess o+
Re'lity i& its )o,plete&ess. The ,et'phor o+ ti,e(
"egi&&i&g '&d e&d( '&d the e&dpoi&t o+ =h't =e )'ll
evol!tio& ope&ed to her. She ='s( hersel+( the evol!tio&.
She ='s "ei&g( +!lly evolved. 8I le'r&ed =h't I &eeded
to le'r&. The& =he& I s'= the )o!ple o& the "ed( I $&e=
th't they G!st did&Ft !&derst'&d. To the,( it ='s&Ft ti,e
yet. They h'd&Ft 'dv'&)ed 's th't yet. 8 She $&e=
hersel+ to "e the )o,plete ;&e( the tot'lly per+e)t
Re'lity '&d( si,!lt'&eo!sly. The =o,'& i& pro)ess
evolvi&g i&to th't ;&e( lo)'ted i& ' spe)i+i) ,o,e&t.
8A&d it ='s do&e. I +o!&d the pl')e i& =h't =e )'ll ti,e
'&d +o)!sed o& it. 8%ro, the +!ll&ess o+ 0ei&g( the
,o,e&t +o)!sed. Th't ,o,e&t provided her =ith '
g'te='y "')$ i&to the di,e&sio& o+ re'lity =e )'ll ti,e
'&d sp')e( "')$ to the t=o people o& the "ed i& the
ho!se i& 0'rsto=( C'li+or&i'. 8I "elieve tod'y(FF she tells
!s( 8Th't i+ the eDperie&)e h'd &ot "ee& proGe)ted
o!tside o+ ,e( it =o!ld &ot h've "ee& possi"le to hold
the vi"r'tio& o+ love th't I ',( th't =e 're. ;& ' )ell!l'r
level it )o!ld "e des)ri"ed 's '& eDplosio&( '&
o"liter'tio& i& 9ight "eyo&d =h't ' h!,'& )o!ld
s!rvive.:
#e p'ss "eyo&d this ,ort'l li+e. #e e&ter i&to
<od. -'tie ret!r&ed +ro, this eDperie&)e rel'Ded( her
he'rt he'led "y the love o+ the 9'dy.
8Did yo! see her>: she 's$ed '!l.
8#ho>:
87y 9'dy.:
He s'id &o. He did&Ft *!estio&.
The 9'dy st'yed =ith her +or 's lo&g 's -'tie
&eeded her( 'pproDi,'tely seve& ye'rs. -'tie dis)overed
53
th't i+ she eD'gger'ted '&y eDperie&)e or devi'ted i& the
slightest ,'&&er +ro, the Tr!th( the Ce&ter( the 9ight o+
Re'lity( the& the 9'dy =o!ld "e st'&di&g i& ' )or&er
=ith her he'd do=&. -'tie +elt her '"se&)e '&d ,oved
to='rd her. The 9'dy ,otio&ed( 8I '"ide o&ly i&
Tr!th.:
8EDiste&)e ='s !&"e'r'"le =itho!t her. IFd +o!&d
o&e =ho !&derstood. I $ept ret!r&i&g to Tr!th '&d the& I
+elt her prese&)e 'g'i& '&d I ='l$ed i& th't 9ight. I
)o&ti&!ed 's revel'tio&s '&d tried to spe'$ o+ it( "!t
there 're &o =ords. ItFs li$e goi&g o!t i&to the ope& street
'&d s'yi&g( FI s'= <odFs eyes tod'yI they 're ,y eyes. I
s'= <odFs +')e tod'yI it is ,y +')e.F Those 're the
F#ords +or it. A&d yet( I did&Ft see eyes '&d +')e. There
're &o =ords +or =h't I s'=: the 0e'!ty o+ this ;&e( th't
;&e( &o ;&e( Everyo&e.
8There =ere '&gels every=here. Yo! 're '&gels.
Th'tFs ' ='y o+ spe'$i&g( ' sy,"ol +or per)eptio& th't
'ppe'rs. It is o&e ='y I )'& spe'$ the l'&g!'ge. #h't
IFve )o,e to $&o= is th't I proGe)ted the 9'dy. 0odies
're proGe)tive 's lo&g 's o&e is li,ited to seei&g +or, 's
eDperie&)e. #e give !s =h't =e &eed.
#e s!pply o!r o=& ,edi)i&e '&d =e )'ll th't '&gels
#h't h'ppe&ed to ,e '&d =h't )o&ti&!es to h'ppe& is
th't I eDperie&)e the is th't I is. I ', 'l='ys 'v'il'"le 's
th't. Co,,!&i)'tio& is the li,it'tio& th't 'l='ys +'lls
short. Tod'y I do&Ft ='it +or '&gels. I am 'l='ys is the
A&gel IFve "ee& '='iti&g( '&d so 're yo!. It is &ot o!t
there. #h't h'ppe&ed =ith ,y 9'dy ='s th't I
'!to,'ti)'lly proGe)ted her o!t there li$e ' ,ovie( &ot
o& p!rpose( "!t 's ' res!lt o+ per)eived p'i&+!l
li,it'tio& I ='s eDperie&)i&g i& this di,e&sio&. So,e
people proGe)t Christ( others -rish&'. I proGe)ted this +'t
9'dy =ith ' "!& o& her he'd( =e'ri&g ' p'isley dress.
51
A CRY IN THE DESERT
Th'tFs =ho I )o!ld tr!st. No= I tr!st 'll '&d All.
8I =o$e !p $&o=i&g th't <od is everythi&g. E')h
perso& ,'$es th't de)isio&. #e do it ,o,e&t1"y1
,o,e&t( tho!ght "y tho!ght. A)t!'lly( the de)isio& h's
'lre'dy "ee& ,'de( "!t =he& yo! 're &ot 't pe')e yo!
h've ,oved +ro, it '&d de)ided FYes( <od is everythi&g(
"!t &ot this.F Th't tho!ght is &ever goi&g to =or$. There
is &o eD)eptio&. Not i& ,y eDperie&)e. #hy =o!ld I &ot
I live this> A&ythi&g else is s!++eri&g.:
The po=er 0yro& -'tieFs '='$e&i&g )o,,!&i)'ted
itsel+. She s'= so,e people dissolvi&g i& te'rs =ith G!st
her to!)h( "e+ore she s'id ' =ord. She &oti)ed this e++e)t
right '='y( =hile she ='s still i& the h'l+='y ho!se( '&d
it )o&ti&!ed '+ter she ret!r&ed ho,e. I& her prese&)e
people +elt he'led o+ "oth physi)'l '&d psy)hologi)'l
dise'se. 8I "eg'& to &oti)e th't people =o!ld )o,e to
me +or he'li&g. The& they =o!ld re)re'te the dise'se 's
' res!lt o+ their !&he'led thi&$i&g '&d ret!r& to "e
he'led '&other ti,e "y ,e. They =o!ld lose it 'g'i& '&d
)o,e "')$ 'g'i&. I s'= the ho!se 's &ot "ei&g l'rge
e&o!gh to hold 'll the people =ho ='&ted ,e to do their
Go". There =ere &ot e&o!gh ho!rs i& the d'y( '&d people
"e)',e e&r'ged =he& they =ere t!r&ed '='y.:
%ro, ' reservoir o+ stories( 0yro& pi)$s o!t th't o+
the 9os A&geles )ity )op '&d his =i+e. The =o,'& )',e
to 0yro& 't her ho,e. D'y '+ter d'y she )',e '&d s't i&
the prese&)e o+ the o&e she s'= 's '& '='$e&ed he'ler.
Eve& '+ter "ei&g +or"idde& "y her h!s"'&d( the =o,'&
)',e. E&r'ged( s!re th't he =o!ld lose her( the 9os
A&geles )ity )op +ollo=ed his =i+e o&e d'y. He "!rst i&
o& the t=o =o,e&( ='vi&g his 'r,s yelli&g( orderi&g his
=i+e to le've. He thre'te&ed 0yro& th't her ho!se =o!ld
"!r& do=& i& the &ight( 't ' ti,e =he& she le'st
eDpe)ted it( '&d th't her )hildre& de+i&itely =o!ld "e i&
54
it. 0yro& -'tie s,iled. She ='s per+e)tly )'l,. 8Ho=
)'& yo! $ill ,e>: she 's$ed. 8Yo! )'& =re)$ ,y ho!seI
it is&Ft ,y ho!se. T'$e ,y ho!seI itFs yo!rs.:
The 9os A&geles )ity )op "!rst i&to te'rs. 0yro&
too$ hi, i& her 'r,s. He h'd he'rd the Tr!th. His
s!rre&der ='s the step th't he'led hi, o+ the r'ge '&d
hopeless&ess iss!i&g +ro, his vie= o+ the =orld 's
h'r,+!l '&d thre'te&i&g.
Eve& tho!gh people 'ppro')hed her 's ' ,ir')le
=or$er( 0yro& did&Ft see hersel+ th't ='y.
8He'ler( he'l thysel+. It "e)',e )le'r to ,e th't the
he'li&gs =ere ' 0'&dAideM '&d )o!ld serve o&ly to
pro,ote ,ysel+. #he& this "e)',e visi"le( I "eg'& to
give people The #or$ '&d i&vited the, to he'l
the,selves. Their he'li&g ='s&Ft ,y Go" '&d )o!ld&Ft "e
held eve& i+ I ='&ted it to "e. Hold yo!r o=&. I& ,y
prese&)e yo! he'l. I ', ' re+le)tio& o+ yo! ?
!&)o&ditio&'l love re+le)ti&g itsel+ 's the Yo! Kth'tL yo!
re)og&iHe. A='y +ro, ,y prese&)e yo! re)re'te dise'se
's ' res!lt o+ !&lovi&g "elie+s. 6&do those( o&e "y o&eI
eDperie&)e he'lth( li+e( the Yo! o+ yo!.
8The #or$ 'ppe'rs to "e phe&o,e&'l +or those
=ho ='&t it( +or see$ers o+ pe')e. I =or$ =ith people
=ho 're )o&sidered "y so,e to "e the hopeless. 7y
ho!se is ope&. ItFs &ot ,y ho!se. The hopeless 're
'v'il'"le to the to!)hI it is the o&ly thi&g le+t +or so,e.
A&d "e)'!se thereFs &o +e'r i& ,e( "!t "e)'!se I 'lso
$&o= =h't +e'r is( I )'& ,ove i&side. ThereFs &o=here(
&o=( th't I ', &ot i&side.
8;&ly yo! )'& he'l yo!.: 0yro& tells !s. 8IF, '
"oost. IF, =h't it loo$s li$e o& the other side.:
5B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
THE ;N9Y THIN< THAT H;9DS
eople )',e to 0yro& -'tie '&d they )o&ti&!e to
)o,e. ;&e o+ the thi&gs she gives is =h't she )'lls The
#or$. ItFs si,ple: ' series o+ the li,ited *!estio&s =e
h've 'l='ys 's$ed +ro, the "egi&&i&g. These *!estio&s
serve to !&)over the Tr!th '&d 'ssist !s i& 'ss!,i&g
respo&si"ility +or o!r o=& li+e. She )!lled the *!estio&s
+ro, her so!l( +ro, three e'rs o+ posi&g the, to hersel+
'&d '&s=eri&g the,. 8I =e&t to the desert(: she s'ys. 8I
did The #or$.: It ='s the ='v she held her o=&
'='$e&i&g.
eople ,et her '&y=here: 't T=elve Step ,eeti&gs(
='iti&g i& li&e 't the "'&$( 't ' dis)!ssio& o+ A (ourse
In )iracles*$ i& ' gro!p o+ viole&t( i&)orrigi"le ,e&
'&d i&,'tes( i& the streets( !&der the st'rs i& the ='ters
o+ desert hot spri&gs. They =ere ,e&( =o,e& '&d
)hildre&. Their vo)'tio&s v'ried. They =ere
ho,e,'$ers '&d rest'!r'&t o=&ers( 'rtists '&d
l'&dlords( p!"lishers '&d teDtile =or$ers( &!&s( te')hers(
psy)hother'pists( pro+essors( 'v't'rs( ,'ss'ge
ther'pists( street people( people i& priso&s( )'&)er
p'tie&ts( photogr'phers( +i&'&)iers( ')tors( =riters(
ord'i&ed ,i&isters. Their spirit!'l "elie+s '&d pr')ti)es
sp'&&ed the g',!t: C'tholi)( rotest'&t( 7or,o&(
.e=ish( Hi&d!( 0!ddhist( A (ourse In )iracles*(
<oddess spirit!'lity( Atheis,( Ne= Age spirit!'lity.
She to!)hed the, 'll. She spo$e ' l'&g!'ge e')h )o!ld
!&derst'&d. She t'!ght the, ho= to he'l the,selves.
She se&t the, "')$ i&to their lives( their =or$( their
)h!r)hes( their spirit!'l )o,,!&ities =ith deeper
!&derst'&di&g '&d re&e=ed )o,,it,e&t to the Tr!th o+
'll th't 'l='ys h'd "ee& there.
55
I 's$ed the, =hy they )',e to her i& the +irst pl')e.
7'&y h'd he'rd o+ her thro!gh +rie&ds. They )',e i&
tr!st. So,e h'd +elt ' po=er+!l i&t!itio& '$i& to '
spirit!'l )'ll( ' s!,,o&s. So,e h'd si,ply re)og&iHed
i& her so,ethi&g i&e++'"le th't they )o!ld&Ft resist.
These people 'ppro')hed her 'ltho!gh she ='s '
str'&ger to the,. ;thers =e&t to =or$shops see$i&g help
+or their lives '&d +o!&d ' =o,'& they des)ri"e 's
ge&!i&e( ope&( &o&)o&trolli&g( =ise( "e'!ti+!l(
h!,oro!s( e&lighte&ed( Goy+!l ? so,eo&e =ho lives
=h't she te')hes. 8She is e)st'sy i& ' "odyJ 8 s'id 7'ry.
8-'tie is th't =hi)h =e 're 'll strivi&g to "e)o,e( =hi)h
is per+e)t 9ove. She is( to ,e( the epito,e o+ 9ove. Her
very prese&)e gives ,e ' +eeli&g o+ pe')e '&d 9ove
)o,es thro!gh her eyes.:
She )'& "e ' s!rprise. #he& 0yro& -'tie( =ho
spe&t +orty1three ye'rs livi&g '&d =or$i&g i& Needles
'&d 0'rsto=( ='l$s do=& the street( she )o!ld "e
'&yo&e. She does&Ft i,pose her ='y o& others. She o&ly
'&s=ers *!estio&s th't 're 's$ed. Yo! )o!ld "e her &eDt
door &eigh"or '&d &ot $&o= =ho she re'lly is.
0yro& -'tie '&d '!l o+te& s'= Er&sti&' 't the
"'&$. They =ere )!sto,ers o+ hers. 8The& I r'& i&to her
't ' +rie&dFs ho!se(: Er&sti&' =rites( 8'&d +o!&d th't she
='s &ot the s',e 0yro& th't I ,eet 't the "'&$. #e
"eg'& 'tte&di&g st!dy gro!ps o+ A (ourse In
)iracles*. It "e)',e 'pp're&t th't =hile 'll o+ !s =ere
str!ggli&g =ith the )o&)epts o+ the )o!rse( 0yro& ='s '
te')her o+ Tr!th. It ='s o"vio!s th't she knew '&d lived
Tr!th. She st!died =ith ,e 's ' )o!rtesy ? she 'lre'dy
='s the ,'teri'l '&d ='s livi&g it.:
R'&dy ='s RossFs g!it'r te')her. 8I ='s i&trod!)ed
to -'tieFs +',ily "y ' +rie&d(: he s'ys( 8to give
5A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
g!it'r lesso&s to -'tieFs so&( Ross. Ross '&d I *!i)$ly
"e)',e good +rie&ds. His dedi)'tio& to the i&str!,e&t
='s r're( "!t so ='s the s!pport '&d i&volve,e&t o+ his
,o,. -'tie ='s 's eD)ited '&d e&th!si'sti) 's Ross.
D!ri&g th't short period o+ ' )o!ple o+ ,o&ths I +elt very
)lose to this +',ily. They =ere *!ite spe)i'l. -'tie
'l='ys h'd ' $i&d o+ ,'gi) '"o!t her th't lit !p the
roo,. I h'd &ever ,et '&yo&e =ith s!)h ' )o&siste&tly
positive 'ttit!de. It ='s i&)redi"ly )o&t'gio!s. -'tie
'l='ys "!ilt !p ,y sel+1estee, '&d g've ,e the +eeli&g
th't I )o!ld s!))eed 't '&ythi&g. This gi+t she 'pp're&tly
g've her h!s"'&d '&d )hildre&( +or it re+le)ted 'll 'ro!&d
her. Ho= ,ysterio!s this t'le&t ='s.:
Eve&t!'lly R'&dy de)ided to ,ove '='y +ro,
0'rsto=. 8-'tie "o!ght ,y "!s ti)$et '&d( 's !s!'l(
overp'id id ,e +or lesso&s I h'd give&.: He est'"lished
hi,sel+( ,'&'gi&g ' rest'!r'&t( i& %res&o( C'li+or&i'.
No= '&d the& he pho&ed -'tie '&d &ever +'iled to se&d
)'rds 't Christ,'s. The Christ,'s o+ 1995( he ret!r&ed
to 0'rsto= +or ' visit.
8I h've di++i)!lty eDpl'i&i&g the )h'&ges th't too$
pl')e i&side ,y he'd '&d he'rt '+ter ,y visit =ith -'tie
'&d Ross this p'st Christ,'s. I stopped "y +or ' short
visit G!st to see ho= everyo&e ='s '&d to )he)$ o&
RossFs )'reer 's ' prod!)er. I h'd "ee& depressed +or '
&!,"er o+ ,o&ths( ,'i&ly over o))!p'tio&'l
!&)ert'i&ty.
8-'tie told ,e "rie+ly =h't she h'd "ee& !p to
K#or$shops( et).L( '&d it led to ,y ope&i&g !p( sh'ri&g
so,e "ottled !p +eeli&gs. The 'dvi)e she g've ,e(
'ltho!gh si,ple( ='s pro+o!&d. A&d I liste&ed. I
liste&edJJ A&d I le'r&ed.
8ItFs 'l,ost seve& ,o&ths l'ter( &o=( '&d I still +eel
the ='y I did =he& I le+t 0'rsto= th't d'y. I h've
56
e&d!red the split !p o+ ,y p're&ts '&d ,y d'dFs
re,'rri'ge( the e,otio&'l roller )o'ster ,y ,o, h's
"ee& ridi&g( the "re'$!p '&d di++i)!lt divor)e
pro)eedi&gs "et=ee& ,y "rother '&d his =i+e o+ t=elve
ye'rs( '&d ,y re)e&t Go" )h'&ge '+ter ,ore th'& thirtee&
ye'rs.
8I +eel +i&e. ItFs li$e ,'gi).:
The lesso&s R'&dy le'r&ed o& Christ,'s th't serve
hi, so =ell 're +ive. They s!,,'riHe his !&derst'&di&g
o+ 0yro& -'tieFs te')hi&g:
1. Do&Ft d=ell o& the p'st. The mistakes you hae made
in life are wonderful. +ome day similar circumstances
may allow you to use the wisdom you hae gained from
wrong decisions There is "ain in the "ast ,hy continue
to endure this "ain when life is ha""ening all around
you-
4. Do&Ft d=ell o& the +!t!re. It "ays to hae a "lan. .ou
might een be foolish not to hae insurance and a
retirement "rogram. But to worry about things that may
neer come to "ass creates needless "ain. There is "ain
in the future.
B. D=ell o& the prese&t. If you s"end each day doing
what you know is right eerything will be okay.
)oreoer the doors of o""ortunity will "resent
themseles and you will be "re"ared to recognize and
o"en them This is not to be confused with the friolous
"roerb of /%ie for today$ tomorrow may neer come.'
.ou hae a 0ob to do. +o get it done. Katie says one of
the most beautiful sounds she knows is that of 'Katie
does the dishes.' This is the "racticed art of recognizing
the essence of liing by a""reciating the human senses.
,ork becomes music.
5C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
5. There 're three types o+ "!si&ess.
.our business.
#ther "eo"le's business.
1od's business.
The wisdom of knowing the differences allows you
to realize the reasons behind why you get inoled
with situations in daily life.
8-'tie told ,e FI+ Ross '&d '!l 're *!'rreli&g i&
the s',e roo, I h'ppe& to "e i&( I le've the roo,
K"!si&ess Q4L. They ,'y 's$ +or ,y help i& resolvi&g the
sit!'tio&. I+ they do( I )'& s'y yes. The& I $&o= I ',
helpi&g the,( &ot G!st ,'$i&g ,ysel+ +eel "etter.F
8This does &ot ,e'& yo! ,!st '"sol!tely '"st'i&
+ro, i&volve,e&t i& thi&gs th't do&Ft dire)tly i&volve
yo!. 0!t $&o=i&g =h't ,otiv'tes yo! to do the thi&gs
yo! do helps yo! "etter !&derst'&d the di++ere&)es
"et=ee& i&ter+ere&)e '&d =el)o,e re)o&)ili'tio&.
A. #he& yo! 're =orried '"o!t =h't people thi&$ or
eDpe)t( 's$ yo!rsel+ 8Is it re'lly tr!e>: #ftentimes it
isn't. +ounds like more needless "ain$ down 't it-
8These 're the +e= si,ple pri&)iples she o++ered
'&d I gr'te+!lly '))epted. 7y per)eptio& o+ li+e is ,!)h
di++ere&t &o=. Altho!gh this =isdo, ,'y "e +o!&d i&
doHe&s o+ p!"lished "oo$s o+ *!ot'tio&s '&d 're( +or the
,ost p'rt( "'si) "i"li)'l pri&)iples( it too$ -'tie to te')h
the, to ,e.
8I !&derst'&d there 're ,'&y others li$e ,ysel+.:
Yes. There 're tho!s'&ds. %rie&ds 're telli&g
+rie&ds. Ther'pists re)o,,e&d their )lie&ts 'tte&d '
52
=or$shop. 7'&y ther'pists do The #or$ 's ' p'rt o+
ther'py. Spirit!'l te')hers )o,e to le'r& +ro, her. So,e
o+ the, "e)o,e )hildre& 'g'i& i& her 'r,s
-'re& +elt ' deep i&t!itio&( ' )'ll( to "e =ith 0yro&
-'tie. She hersel+ is ' te')her o+ =isdo,. A +or,er &!&(
&o= ' )li&i)'l hyp&other'pist( Rei$i ,'ster( She&
pr')titio&er( sh','&i) )o!&selor( ord'i&ed spirit!'l
he'ler( she s'ys she is &o= o& the tr!e p'th o+ the he'rt.
Her ti,e =ith 0yro& -'tie *!i)$e&ed her develop,e&t
8I )'& &o= ,ove thro!gh "lo)$s( "'rriers '&d ill!sio&s
=ith r'pid speed. I ', so ,!)h ,ore 't e'se( 't ho,e
=ith ,ysel+ '&d others I ', &o lo&ger '+r'id to die.:
-'re& sig&ed !p +or ' =or$shop. Her eDperie&)e
tr'&s+or,ed her. 8I h'd ' pro+o!&d i&iti'tio&(: she
=rites( 8A spo&t'&eo!s i&iti'tio& =ith -'tie 't T')op'
Spri&gs l'st De)e,"er. She '&d I =ere drivi&g to the hot
spri&gs d!ri&g o!r seve&1d'y retre't( ' short dist'&)e o+
sever'l "lo)$s( =he& ' )'r o+ &e= 'rriv'ls +or the d'y
p'ssed !s( '&d =e stopped ,o,e&t'rily so -'tie )o!ld
t'l$ to the,. #hile I ='ited I "e)',e '='re o+
regressi&g to the 'ge o+ three '&d )o!ld +eel i&te&sely
,y s,'ll )hildFs +e'r o+ '"'&do&,e&t '&d deep desire to
"e '))epted '&d loved "y the 7other ? to $&o= the
7other re'lly loved ,e. I ='s +eeli&g helpless '&d
&eeded desper'tely 's ' s,'ll )hild to +eel the "o&di&g
"et=ee& 7other '&d )hild ? ,y )hild.
A+ter -'tieFs )o&vers'tio& =ith the people i& the
other )'r( =e pro)eeded to the hot spri&gs( sho=ered '&d
e&tered the =o,e&Fs pool &'$ed. No o&e else ='s i& the
pool. So,e old =o,e& =ere sitti&g i& the s!& o!tside
'&d !p '"ove the pool. 7y three1ye'r1old sel+ too$ over
'&d i& ' s,'ll )hildFs voi)e I spo&t'&eo!sly 's$ed 7','
-'tie i+ she loved ,e. She i,,edi'tely respo&ded "y
)o,i&g right to ,e. She loo$ed ,e dire)tly i& ,y eyes
59
A CRY IN THE DESERT
'&d told ,e the tr!th: th't she loved ,e. I 's$ed her i+
she =o!ld ever go '='y( '&d she told ,e )le'rly she
=o!ld &ever go '='y '&d =o!ld love ,e 'l='ys. 7y
so""i&g sel+ ='s the& e,"r')ed "y 7',' -'tie( ,y
"re'sts to!)hi&g her &'$ed "re'sts i& the hot pool o+
='ter ? rivers o+ te'rs )le'&si&g ,y he'rt( ,y "ody( ,y
so!l ? o!r "odies to!)hi&g so every )ell i& ,y "ody
$&e= the ,o,e&t o+ love e&teri&g( the +!ll e,"r')e o+
love. All the ye'rs o+ lo&eli&ess( '"'&do&,e&t( '&d +e'r
=ere "ei&g ='shed '='y i& the =o,e&Fs pool( i& the
he'li&g ='ters( i& the e,"r')e o+ ;&e =ho $&o=s
hersel+ '&d )'& love !&)o&ditio&'lly the =o!&ded sel+.:
.oh&( ' te')her o+ A (ourse In )iracles* eDpl'i&s
the po=er+!l e++e)t o+ '& e&)o!&ter =ith 0yro& -'tie
this ='y. 8#he& she loo$s i&to yo!r eyes( she sees &ot
the +'lse i,'ge yo! h've )re'ted thro!gh ,'&y lives o+
+e'r( p'i&( '&d g!ilt. 0yro& sees o&ly the Christ
Kper+e)tio&L =ithi&( '&d she re+le)ts it "')$ +or yo! to
see '&d( "y seei&g( e&ter the e')e o+ <od
KSo!r)ePHigher Sel+L.:
So,e )o,e 's s$epti)s. ;thers +eel the )h'tteri&g
'rg!,e&ts i& their ,i&ds gro= sile&t 's they 're rele'sed
to ' deep ho&esty.
S'&dy =rites: 8I 'tte&ded o&e o+ her =or$shops o!t
't the hot spri&gs '&d i& ,y &or,'l( G!dg,e&t'l st'te o+
"ei&g( I sort o+ $ept s)ore o+ 0yro& '&d the =ee$e&d. It
=e&t $i&d o+ li$e this:
A3
7IN6S ;INTSF
She ='s ho!rs l'te.
She did&Ft tell ,e there =ere three g'tes.
I do&Ft li$e to t'$e "'ths.
R'= veget'"le G!i)e t'stes y!)$y.
She did&Ft tell ,e I ='s goi&g to "e the o&ly
+'t perso& i& the gro!p.
SheFs pretty.
SheFs too h'ppy.
96S ;INTS
She respe)ted ,y &ot ='&ti&g to h!g or "e
to!)hed i,,edi'tely.
She ='s $i&d( i&tellige&t '&d ho&est.
She h's ' se&se o+ h!,or.
She )o!ld see thro!gh ,y egoFs lies.
She $&e= =h't it ='s li$e to "e over=eight.
She spilled her g!ts 'lo&gside the rest o+ !s
K&ever 's$i&g o+ !s ,ore th't she =o!ld give o+
hersel+L.
She h's ' =o&der+!l so&.
She $&o=s =h't sheFs doi&g( eve& i+ she
)'&Ft eDpl'i& it.
She helped ,e see ,y o=& ,i&d g',es.
She '))epted ,e despite ,y +i&'&)i'l st'te.
She h's lots o+ =o&der+!l +rie&ds( '&d their
testi,o&y g've ,ore )rede&)e to her te')hi&gs.
She let ,e 's$ ' lot o+ *!estio&s.
She did&Ft l'!gh 't ,e &'$ed i& the "'ths.
She did&Ft ,'$e +!& o+ ,y teddy "e'r.
She helped ,e help ,ysel+.
She !&derst'&ds.
A1
A CRY IN THE DESERT
As yo! )'& see( the pl!ses +'r o!t=eighed the
other( '&d it ='s&Ft lo&g "e+ore I ='s !p to ,y &e)$ Fi&
the Tr!th.F 0y le'di&g !s thro!gh the eDer)ises '&d
s!"se*!e&t dis)!ssio&s( 0yro& helped ,e to see the
='ys I o+te& t=ist thi&gs i& ,y ,i&d to s!it ,y
i,,edi'te sel+. Th't is( I rel'te ,ore &'t!r'lly to short1
ter, "e&e+its '&d te&d to pro)r'sti&'te o& the steps I
)o!ld t'$e tod'y th't =o!ld help ,e ')hieve lo&g1ter,
go'ls. I )',e to the =or$shop =ith ' deep se&se o+
hopeless&ess( +eeli&g '&gry '&d '+r'id '&d 'p'rt +ro,
,ysel+( '&d I did&Ft li$e it. I did&Ft li$e ,e. 0yro&
sho=ed ,e ho= to p'rdo& ,ysel+ ? &ot to eD)!se
"eh'vior "!t to see '&d !&derst'&d it so I )o!ld
)o&s)io!sly de)ide i+ I ='&ted to )o&ti&!e it.
I s!ppose this so!&ds r'ther v'g!e. I )'&Ft s'y IFve
"ee& h'ppily livi&g o& r'= veget'"le G!i)e si&)e I =e&t
to the =or$shop or th't IFve lost FRF ',o!&t o+ po!&ds
"e)'!se o+ the =or$shop. I& ' =orldly se&se( the o&ly
thi&g I )'& dire)tly 'ttri"!te to 0yro& '&d her =or$shop
is the =or$"oo$ I =rote 's ' res!lt o+ ,y eDperie&)e. I
!se the eDer)ises she t'!ght !s. I live ,ore )o&s)io!sly
K'&d ,ore ho&estlyL &o=. It ,'y &ot sho= to others( "!t
I )'& +eel it. I ', &ot so do=&he'rted '&d =e'ry. I &o=
see the opport!&ities i& ,y reg!l'r Go" Kth't ='s ' re'l
sore spot =he& I 'tte&ded her =or$shopL. I +eel ,ore 't
pe')e =ith ,ysel+ '&d =ith the =orld( '&d I thi&$ th't it
is "e)'!se o+ 0yro&Fs '"ility to pe&etr'te ' perso&Fs ,i&d
'&d he'rt ' get to the so!r)e o+ the )o&+li)t =ithi&.
8Also( o& the pr')ti)'l side( I respe)t 0yro& +or
helpi&g ,e 's =ell 's ,'&y others i& spite o+ o!r l')$ o+
+i&'&)i'l reso!r)es to )o,pe&s'te her. I h've "ee& to
,'&y( ,'&y sel+1help se,i&'rs '&d progr',s =here the
tr!e e,ph'sis is ,o&et'ry pro+it +or the le'derKsL. This
A4
is )le'rly &ot the )'se =here 0yro& is )o&)er&ed. I thi&$
she sho!ld "e p'id( '&d I do&Ft o"Ge)t to "ei&g )h'rged
+or the =or$shops or s!pplies( "!t I ', p'rti)!l'rly
gr'te+!l '&d i&de"ted to her th't she does&Ft de&y her
gi+t o& the "'sis o+ ,o&ey1:
Di++ere&t people eDperie&)e =h't 0yro& te')hes
'))ordi&g to their p'rti)!l'r &eed. ;&e s'ys she te')hes
ho= to live i& the prese&t ,o,e&t. A&other le'r&ed
r'di)'l sel+1 respo&si"ility. 6&)o&ditio&'l 9ove( the
o&e&ess o+ 0ei&g( +orgive&ess( i&&o)e&)e( &o&G!dg,e&t(
the pri,')y o+ Tr!th( the dispelli&g o+ ill!sio&( respe)t
+or 'll li+e '&d +or o!r "odies( .oy 's li+eFs esse&)e(
he'lthy 'ttit!des to='rd +ood( the re'liH'tio& th't =e
te')h =h't =e 're: E')h o+ these +o)!sed The #or$ +or
' p'rti)!l'r perso& '&d "e)',e the e&ergy o+
tr'&s+or,'tio& '&d he'li&g.
They s'y The #or$ )h'&ged their lives. A&d it
holds. ItFs pr')ti)'l. 0o""y &o lo&ger 'voids her +eeli&gs.
S'&dy lives =ith gre'ter )o&s)io!s&ess( hope '&d
ho&esty =ith hersel+. 7'rth' lets people o++ the hoo$I
they &o lo&ger &eed to )h'&ge to ,'$e her h'ppy. 8IFve
"ee& o& the p'th +or t=e&ty ye'rs(: she s'ys. I h'd
)le'red ' lot( he'led ' lot( le'r&ed ' lot( !&le'r&ed ' lot
"e+ore I ,et 0yro&. Still( ,y li+e )h'&ged pro+o!&dly
+ro, "ei&g i& her he'li&g prese&)e '&d doi&g The #or$.
SheFs ' r're( pre)io!s( '&d =o&der+!l +rie&d '&d te')her.
She lives love( spe'$s tr!th( '&d sh'res everythi&g she is
=ith those =ho )o,e to =or$ =ith her.:
'!li&e respe)ts her "ody &o=( does&Ft e't the
+oods th't ,'$e her si)$( '&d &o lo&ger &eeds
,edi)'tio& +or 'llergies. .oh& resolved p'i& Kth'tL he
AB
A CRY IN THE DESERT
eDperie&)ed 's '&)ie&t( eDisti&g over ,'&y li+eti,es.
Er&sti&' dis)overed th't her se'r)h is '& i&ter&'l o&e.
7'ry ,eets &e= people '&d sit!'tio&s =ith gre'ter e'se.
<'y( =ho is ' spirit!'l te')her hersel+( re+le)ts o&
her eDperie&)e =ith 0yro&( s'yi&g th't The #or$ is too
&e= +or her to "e '='re o+ itFs e++e)t o& her li+e.
80!t "ei&g =ith 0yro& is '& eDperie&)e o+
ope&&ess '&d love( o+ the hope +or !&e&di&g gro=th '&d
re)o&&e)tio& =ith So!r)e. 0yro& is '&d eDe,pli+ies her
te')hi&g. It is so '!the&ti) th't there i& +ro&t o+ yo! is
the proo+. Not too ,'&y te')hers h've th't po=er+!l '
tool i& the,selves.
80yro& s!,s !p =h't the gre't ,'sters h've s'id i&
s!)h ' si,ple ='y. I love itJ A+ter str!ggli&g to
,e,oriHe( '&d '+ter doi&g so ,'&y pr')ti)es K,ostly
Ti"et'&L( itFs ' gi+t to re'liHe th't the gre't !&doi&g is
li+e itsel+ ? &ot ' li&e'ge o+ )o&)epts. 0yro&Fs +rie&dship
'&d eD',ple do )o&ti&!'lly eDp'&d ,y li+e.:
0yro& -'tieFs story )o&ti&!es '&d eDp'&ds thro!gh
e&)o!&ters( i& the lives o+ 'll o+ !s. Thro!gh e')h perso&
she te')hes to do The #or$( =e 'll le'r& ,ore '"o!t
o!rselves '&d '"o!t =ho she is 's ' ,irror o+ o!rselves.
A5
REC;<NITI;N
C'rol "ri,s =ith her story. She )'&Ft ='it to tell it.
She )'lls ,e o& the pho&e +ro, ;hio. I got yo!r
*!estio&&'ire(: she '&&o!&)es i& ' voi)e ti&ged =ith the
So!th( "re'thy =ith eD)ite,e&t. I tried =riti&g. There
='s too ,!)h( so I t'ped it. The& it +illed !p =ith det'ils
th't I did&Ft $&o= =hether or &ot to i&)l!de. 7y h!s"'&d
s'id to p!t the, i& '&d yo!Fd edit the, o!t i+ yo! did&Ft
&eed the,. 0!t tod'y I de)ided to )'ll yo!( '&d so here I
',.:
C'rolFs voi)e rises '&d +'lls. She l'!ghs '&d =eeps.
She &ever "e+ore ,et '&yo&e li$e 0yro& -'tieI this
the,e r!&s thro!gh every det'il o+ her story. C'rol
'&&o!&)es. SheFs ' )l'rio&. I& ' )ro=d o+ people she
re)og&iHed ' =o,'& =ho ='s di++ere&t ' =o,'& =ho
='s li$e ' t!&i&g +or$ +or Tr!th( '& e,"odi,e&t o+
#isdo, 's '&)ie&t 's the =orld. Re)og&itio& )',e 't '
=or$shop i& Sedo&'( AriHo&'( i& the s!,,er o+ 199B.
It ='s C'rolFs "irthd'y. She ='s +i+ty1t=o ye'rs old(
=hi)h h'rdly see,ed possi"leI she +elt so yo!&g.
Sever'l ,o&ths "e+ore( C'rolFs +rie&d( 7'ry( pho&ed to
tell her o+ ' Sedo&' hi$i&g trip =ith ' sh','&i) te')her.
C'rol ='s eD)ited. She h'd he'rd '"o!t Sedo&' '&d its
e&ergy vorteDes( '&d she ='&ted to eDperie&)e the,.
She se&t her registr'tio& '&d she '&d 7'ry "eg'&
prep'ri&g +or the trip. The& 7'ryFs "')$ st'rted givi&g
her ' lot o+ p'i&. She ='s&Ft s!re she )o!ld $eep !p =ith
' hi$i&g gro!p. C'rol ='&ted to go( "!t she 'lso ='&ted
7'ry =ith her.
AA
A CRY IN THE DESERT
She ,ight h've give& !p the trip eD)ept +or '
pro+o!&d eDperie&)e. C'rol he'rd so,ethi&g li$e '
voi)e. It ='s 's tho!gh she =ere told: 8So,eo&e =ill "e
there. So,eo&e =ise( =ho $&o=s the Tr!th o+ li+e.
So,eo&e '&)ie&t.: It ='s ' +eeli&g th't too$ +or,. A
$i&d o+ tho!ght "!t ,ore th'& tho!ght. It ='s so,ethi&g
re)eived. It ='s 's tho!gh C'rol =ere 'lre'dy there( i&
Sedo&'( "e+ore she ='s there( =hile she ='s still i&
;hio. She +elt hersel+ p'rt o+ ' gro!p( ' )ir)le o+ people.
I& ' $i&d o+ visio&( C'rol s'= ' =o,'& ='l$ 'ro!&d the
gro!p( '&d &o o&e "!t C'rol re)og&iHed her.
I,,edi'tely C'rol )'lled 7'ry.
8<et =ell( 7'ry( =e h've to go to Sedo&'.:
C'rol told 7'r$( her so&( =ho h'd developed '&
i&terest i& spirit!'l thi&gs( '"o!t the trip. He ='s i& 9's
/eg's '&d de)ided to Goi& her i& AriHo&' r'ther th'&
,'$e the trip ho,e to ;hio. The three ,et i& Sedo&'(
got settled i& the hotel( '&d C'rol '&ti)ip'ted her
desti&ed ,eeti&g =ith the =o,'& o+ her visio&( the
=o,'& =ho ='s =ise.
C'rol ='s&Ft ' perso& =ho spo$e o!t i& p!"li). She
s!rprised hersel+ 't the i&trod!)tory sessio& =he& the
hi$i&g gro!p g'thered o!tside "y the pool. Everyo&e
else ='s there 'lre'dy =he& 7'ry( C'rol( '&d 7'r$
'rrived. They settled i&to the re,'i&i&g pl')es. C'rol
gl'&)ed 'ro!&d. A)ross the pool +ro, her s't ' =o,'&
=hose +')e ='s r'di'&t. 8;h( ,y <od( loo$ 't th't
+')eJ: she ,!r,!red to hersel+( 8I ='&t to $&o= =ho
th't is.: She )o!ld&Ft see the =o,'&Fs eyes( "!t 's she
st'red 't the =o,'&Fs +')e 'll she )o!ld thi&$ ='s
89ight.:
I&trod!)tio&s "eg'&. #he& it )',e ti,e +or the
=o,'& ')ross the pool to spe'$( she s'id( 87y &',e is
-'tie Rolle. I =o$e !p o&e ,or&i&g '&d I did&Ft
A6
re,e,"er =ho ,y h!s"'&d or ,y )hildre& =ere.:
Si,ple. Short. 7'ry re,e,"ers thi&$i&g( 87y <od( th't
poor =o,'&.: Her o=& i&trod!)tio& ='s eve& si,pler:
8IFve )o,e to le'r&(: she s'id.
I&trod!)tio&s pro)eeded. It ='s C'rolFs t!r&. She
"eg'&( too so+tly. 7'ry !rged her( 8C'rol( st'&d !p( I
)'&Ft see yo!.: She stood. 8IF, C'rol(: she "eg'& '&d
the&( &ot !&derst'&di&g =hy she did it( she told the story
o+ ' spirit!'l eDperie&)e sheFd h'd te& ye'rs e'rlier.
C'rol h'd "ee& ' perso& =ith everythi&g: '
=o&der+!l h!s"'&d( three )hildre&( ,o&ey( ' +i&e ho,e.
She h'd &o re'so& to thi&$ 'll o+ this =o!ld )h'&ge.
The& so,ethi&g h'ppe&ed. A tr'p door o+ the so!l
spr'&g ope&. She +ell thro!gh i&to d'r$&ess. I& her d'ily
li+e there =ere pro"le,s =ith the )hildre&. She h'd &o
'&s=ers. She "'rely $&e= the *!estio&s. She dri+ted
'='y +ro, hersel+ thro!gh ' gloo, th't +elt e&dless.
Three ,o&ths p'ssed. She s'ys she ='s )'t'to&i). She
,oved( tho!gh( e&o!gh to get hersel+ i&to her )'r e')h
d'y '&d do=& to ' )'+e =here she s,o$ed )ig'rettes(
dr'&$ )o++ee( '&d re'd "oo$s. She )',e ho,e '+ter='rd(
s'&$ i& +ro&t o+ the T/( '&d 'te G!&$ +ood. She stopped
)le'&i&g ho!se. She stopped )oo$i&g. She did &othi&g.
Her h!s"'&d 's$ed i+ he )o!ld help( i+ there ='s
'&ythi&g th't he )o!ld do. There ='s&Ft. He e&d!red. He
='t)hed '&d hoped.
;&e d'y '+ter )o++ee '&d )ig'rettes( C'rol drove
ho,e( &ot thi&$i&g( &ot p'yi&g 'tte&tio&( =he& ' )!rre&t
li$e ele)tri)ity shot !p thro!gh the soles o+ her +eet i&to
her "ody '&d o!t the top o+ her he'd. She stopped the
)'r.
Her gloo, v'&ished. The &othi&g&ess( the deep
depressio& ='s tot'lly go&e. All the g!ilt ='s go&e( 'll
AC
A CRY IN THE DESERT
the "l',e sheFd t'$e& o& hersel+ +or her )hildre&Fs
pro"le,s( 'll the '&ger( 'll the +e'r( 'll o+ it ='s go&e.
She +elt o&ly love '&d Goy '&d pe')e. She +elt '
prese&)e. She t!r&ed 'ro!&d to loo$ i& the "')$se't(
thi&$i&g( 8S!rely IF, goi&g to see <od.: e')e
e&veloped her. It +elt li$e ' pl')e. A "ei&g. ? :I& th't
pl')e(: she s'ys( 8' perso& h's '))ess to the $&o=ledge
'&d =isdo, o+ the ;&e 7i&d =here everythi&g is
)o&&e)ted i& ;&e.: There ='s &othi&g else. She t!r&ed
her +')e to the d'ylight stre',i&g g ' 'ro!&d her(
d'&)i&g o& the le'ves o+ every tree th't li&ed the
"o!lev'rd '&d =hispered( 8th'&$ yo!.:
I& Sedo&' C'rol told this story '&d +i&ished "y
s'yi&g( 8I $&o= =ho I ',I IF, G!st i& the pro)ess o+
re,e,"eri&g(: '&d she s't do=&. The others i& the
)ir)le i&trod!)ed the,selves( '&d the sessio& ='s over.
The g!ide i&str!)ted the, to ret!r& pool1side l'ter so
th't he )o!ld 'ssess their physi)'l )'p'"ilities '&d give
i&str!)tio&s +or the =ee$. eople rose to le've. C'rol(
distr')ted "y the l'te '+ter&oo& sl'&t o+ light( re,'i&ed
i& her )h'ir. I& ' ,o,e&t she "e)',e '='re o+ so,eo&e
st'&di&g i& +ro&t o+ her1the =o,'&( -'tie( +ro, ')ross
the pool. C'rol loo$ed !p '&d s'= the s',e love '&d Goy
'&d pe')e r'di'ti&g +ro, -'tieFs +')e 's she h'd +elt
+ro, the eDperie&)e i& the )'r te& ye'rs e'rlier. She
='&ted to $&o= this =o,'&.
8#he& yo! told yo!r story( I )ried(: -'tie s'id.
8Yo! did>:
8I did. H've yo! h'd '&y ,ore eDperie&)es li$e
th't>:
8Yes(: C'rol 'd,itted( 8' +e=.:
8#ell( I =o!ld li$e to t'l$ to yo! '"o!t the, i+ I
)o!ld.:
Never "e+ore h'd '&yo&e sho=& this $i&d o+
A2
i&terest i& C'rolFs eDperie&)es. SheFd "ee& r'ther
solit'ry( livi&g i& the )o!&try( &ot "elo&gi&g to '&y
=o,e&Fs gro!ps( $eepi&g to hersel+. -'tieFs re*!est ='s
' sho)$. She +elt shy. Her +')e re+le)ted it. -'tie stepped
"')$ '&d s,iled.
It )',e to C'rolFs ,i&d th't -'tie ,ight &ot h've
sh'red her eDperie&)es =ith '&yo&e "e+ore. 7'y"e "oth
o+ the, +elt shy. 8;h( Yes(: she st',,ered( 8He've&s(
yes. This is the +irst ti,e '&y"odyFs 's$ed( '&d it too$
,e "y s!rprise.:
8The& =eFll ,eet 'g'i& d!ri&g the =ee$ '&d t'l$>:
8IFd love itJ: C'rol replied( &ot reve'li&g her
pre,o&itio& '&d her s!spi)io& th't -'tie ='s the =ise
=o,'& o+ her visio&. TheyFd "e t'$i&g so,e trips to
good hi$i&g tr'ils. They )o!ld t'l$ the&. They h!gged
e')h other '&d =e&t to their roo,s.
C'rol "!rst i& o& 7'ry. 8Did yo! &oti)e th't
=o,'&> The o&e =ith the r'di'&t eyes> The o&e =ho
+orgot everythi&g> Did yo! see the li+e '&d the light '&d
the love )o,e +ro, th't =o,'&Fs +')e> 7y good&essJ:
%or t=o d'ys C'rol ='t)hed -'tie. -'tie &ever
see,ed to tire. She )li,"ed ,o!&t'i&s '&d loo$ed 's
+resh 't the top 's =he& she st'rted. She ='l$ed =ith
e'se. She &ever stopped r'di'ti&g the ,ysterio!s light
th't +irst 'ttr')ted C'rol to her. 8SheFs the o&e(: C'rol
re'liHed. 8SheFs the o&e I he'rd '"o!t( the '&)ie&t o&e(
the =ise o&e.:
Si&)e her eDperie&)e i& the )'r te& ye'rs
previo!sly( C'rol h'd se'r)hed +or ' ='y to hold the
love '&d pe')e '&d Goy. The '='re&ess l'sted t=o
=ee$s. SheFd "ee& e)st'ti). The& o&e d'y 's she ='s
drivi&g( ' )'r s=erved i& +ro&t o+ her. She sl',,ed o&
the "r'$es. Her he'rt r')ed. She t'sted +e'r li$e ,et'l o&
the "')$ o+ her to&g!e. She lost her e)st'sy. 0!t she
A9
A CRY IN THE DESERT
&ever lost her $&o=ledge o+ =h't ='s possi"le. %or te&
ye'rs she pr'yed( 8le'se( <od( sho= ,e =here I ',I
sho= ,e i+ IF, o& the right p'th. 9et ,e see.:
#he& 7'ry i&trod!)ed hersel+ "y telli&g the gro!p
th't she h'd )o,e to le'r&( she ='s spe'$i&g o+
so,ethi&g esse&ti'l to her li+e. 7'ry is ' =o,'& i& her
siDties =ho h's spe&t ,ost o+ her li+e se'r)hi&g i& "oo$s
'&d )o&s!lti&g =ith te')hers to +i&d '))ess to the divi&e
,ysteries '&d ho= to live ' tr'&s)e&de&t li+e o& e'rth.
SheFs ' =o,'& h!&gry +or Tr!th.
I& Sedo&' she 'tte,pted e')h )li,"( despite the
p'i& i& her "')$. eople 'ssisted her. 0!t "y the se)o&d
&ight she ='s eDh'!sted. She de)ided to le've the roo,
=here the gro!p ='s g'thered to =it&ess the sh','&
le'der de,o&str'te sh','&i) rit!'ls. She tried to +i&d
C'rol "!t )o!ld&Ft. I& the h'll='y( 7'ry loo$ed +or the
elev'tor. She )o!ld&Ft re,e,"er =here it ='s. S!dde&ly(
see,i&g +ro, &o=here( -'tie 'ppe'red.
8Hi( ho&ey(: -'tie s,iled.
7'ry told her she ='s so eDh'!sted she )o!ld&Ft
eve& +i&d the elev'tor( '&d -'tie poi&ted it o!t to her.
As 7'ry t!r&ed to go to her roo,( -'tie s'id( 8I 'd,ire
yo!r i&tegrity.:
8There ='s so,ethi&g(: 7'ry s'ys &o=( 8E')h
ti,e she loo$ed 't ,e. So,ethi&g '"o!t her eyes.:
The &eDt d'y 7'ry did&Ft ='&t to )li,"( "!t the
sh','& e&)o!r'ged her( s'yi&g th't it =o!ld&Ft "e
di++i)!lt. It ='s. The gro!p g'thered to eD',i&e
hieroglyphi)s o& the ='ll o+ ' l'rge )'ve i& the
,o!&t'i&side. 7'ry( eDh'!sted 'g'i&( +elt tri)$ed. 8This
sh','& spe'$s =ith ' +or$ed to&g!e(: she de)l'red to
the gro!p. The& she loo$ed over 't -'tie. She
re,e,"ered the =ords( 8I 'd,ire yo!r i&tegrity.:
S!dde&ly 7'ry tho!ght she re)og&iHed =ho -'tie ='s.
63
Th't eve&i&g( 'lo&e =ith C'rol i& their roo,( 7'ry
s'id( 8C'rol( I thi&$ I $&o= =ho -'tie is.:
.!st 't th't ,o,e&t there ='s ' $&o)$ 't the door
'&d -'tie )',e i&. 0oth 7'ry '&d C'rol s!spe)ted they
h'd e&)o!&tered i& this =o,'& ' "ei&g "eyo&d =h't
they h'd ever $&o=&. %or C'rol( she ='s the '&)ie&t
=ise o&e o+ her revel'tio&. -'tie p!lled ' )h'ir !p '&d
positio&ed it "et=ee& the t=o =o,e& =ho =ere sitti&g(
e')h o& her o=& "ed.
8I+ thereFs '&ythi&g yo! ='&t to 's$ ,e( ple'se do
th't. IF, here to give yo! =h't I h've to o++er i+ yo!
='&t it.:
7'ry h'd le'r&ed +ro, her te')hers to *!estio&
everythi&g( p'rti)!l'rly i& o&e =ho )l'i,ed '&y spirit!'l
'!thority.
8Are yo! ' walk in>: 7'ry 's$ed.
8#ell( I do&Ft $&o=. Tell ,e =h't ' walk in is '&d
IFll tell yo! i+ I thi&$ I ', o&e.:
7'ry eDpl'i&ed the "elie+ th't the spirit so,eti,es
le'ves the "ody o+ ' perso& '&d '&other spirit( ' "ei&g o+
9ight( e&ters to o))!py th't "ody( to per+or, so,e $i&d
o+ =or$ o& e'rth. It =o!ld '))o!&t +or -'tieFs loss o+
,e,ory( +or her se&se th't she h'd '='$e&ed( &e=( i&
the ,iddle o+ her li+e.
8I ', 9ove '&d .oy.: -'tie "e',ed. 8I ', ' walk
in( '&d I ', 'lso '& '&gelFF She loo$ed 't C'rol. NI ',
9ove '&d .oy(: she s'id( 8.!st li$e yo!.:
C'rol +elt te'rs rise '&d the& so"s. So,ethi&g
='shed '='y( le'vi&g her )le'& '&d ope&. It ='s divi&e
pe')e( ' +eeli&g C'rol re)og&iHed i,,edi'tely +ro, her
eDperie&)e te& ye'rs e'rlier. 7'ry ='s )ryi&g too.
8re)io!s +rie&ds(: -'tie )roo&ed( 8Cryi&g is
good.: She held their h'&ds i& hers.
61
A CRY IN THE DESERT
7ir')les o+ the spirit 're ge&tle 's r'i&.
C'rolFs ,i&d +lo'ted li$e ,ist over ' deep pool. She
)o!ld&Ft thi&$ o+ ' thi&g to 's$. All these ye'rs sheFd
pr'yed( 8%'ther( ', I o& the right p'th>: No= her h'&d
"elo&ged i& -'tieFs h'&d. 8There is&Ft '&ythi&g "!t
9ove(: she +i&'lly s'id( 8A&d the e,otio& o+ th't 9ove is
.oy.:
8Yo!Fre '"sol!tely right. I ', 9ove '&d .oy( G!st
li$e yo!. Yo! 're the s',e 's =h't I ',. #h't yo! see
is yo!.:
7'ry loo$ed !p. 8C'& yo! hold !s( -'tie>:
8Co,e( sit o& ,y l'p.:
8;h &o(: 7'ry so!&ded st'rtled( 8I do&Ft ='&t to
h!rt yo!. 8
8Yo! )'&Ft h!rt ,e. Yo! )'&&ot h!rt this "ody.
;&ly I h've th't po=er.:
7'ry t!r&ed to C'rol. 8Yo! go +irst.: She ='s
siDty1three ye'rs old '&d spe'$i&g li$e ' )hild.
C'rol got o++ the "ed '&d s't i& -'tieFs l'p. She
le'&ed i&to -'tieFs 'r,s( p!t her he'd o& -'tieFs "re'st.
A&d -'tie held her. She let hersel+ "e ' )hild '&d -'tie
held her. -'tie ,othered her. Her "re'th +elt +e'thery
'g'i&st C'rolFs he'd( '&d C'rol he'rd ' ti)$i&g &oise(
very +'st( =hi)h C'rol ide&ti+ied 's the +re*!e&)y o+ the
9i+e %or)e. So,e ye'rs "e+ore( C'rol h'd "ee& sitti&g i&
her livi&g roo,( resti&g. #he& she loo$ed o!t the
=i&do=( she +elt the 'ir vi"r'ti&g to ' +re*!e&)y
ide&ti)'l to the so!&d e,'&'ti&g +ro, -'tie. C'rol
rel'Ded i&to the so!&d. She +elt her pr'yer "ei&g
'&s=ered.
The& -'tie held 7'ry. 7'ry he'rd the s',e so!&d.
#he&( l'ter( the t=o =o,e& 's$ed -'tie =h't the so!&d
='s( she told the, everythi&g ='s 9ove( the so!r)e o+
'll. C'rol !&derstood the& th't 'ltho!gh di++ere&t people
64
!se di++ere&t =ords '&d i,'ges to t'l$ '"o!t th't o!t o+
=hi)h everythi&g )o,es ? th't origi&'l ;&e( th't 9i+e
%or)e( th't So!r)e ? its e&ergy +re*!e&)y is the s',e. It
is 9ove.
%ro, th't ti,e o& -'tie Goi&ed C'rol '&d 7'ry(
ridi&g i& the )'r =ith the, to the di++ere&t hi$i&g tr'ils.
She "e)',e their te')her. -'tie( 7'ry( C'rol( '&d 7'r$
spe&t the re,'i&der o+ the =ee$ together. I& -'tieFs
prese&)e( the others +o!&d pe')e. They 'll !&derstood
th't -'tie ='s1their p!rpose +or h'vi&g go&e to Sedo&'.
Their re)og&itio& o+ her ope&ed the, to her te')hi&g.
7'ry '&d C'rol "oth +eel they =ere desti&ed to re)eive
+ro, 0yro& -'tie the Tr!th o+ their lives.
;&e d'y the gro!p hi$ed to ' pl')e o+ he'li&g
='ter( ' pl')e s')red to the '"origi&'l peoples. C'rol
rolled !p her )otto& p'&ts '&d ='l$ed !pstre',( 'l,ost
to the he'd='ters( to ' pl')e =here '& !&dergro!&d
spri&g Goi&ed the river. The gro!&d ='s +l't. C'rol s't o&
' ro)$ =ith her +eet i& the i)y ='ters. She st'rted to
,edit'te. She lost tr')$ o+ ti,e. Her "ody ,elded =ith
the "ody o+ e'rth( her spirit '&d the river "e)',e o&e.
The AriHo&' s!& is rele&tless. #he& )o&s)io!s&ess
o+ her s!rro!&di&gs ret!r&ed '&d she loo$ed do=& 't her
legs( she s'= th't she ='s s!&"!r&ed +ro, the tops o+
her +eet to '"ove her $&ees. 0y th't &ight( =he& the
hi$i&g gro!p ,et o& the gr'ss "y the pool( C'rolFs legs
=ere s=olle& h!ge =ith p'i&. She 's$ed 7'r$( =ho is '
se)o&d degree Rei$i ,'ster( to Rei$i her legs. It g've
her so,e relie+ "!t &ot +or lo&g. She eD)!sed hersel+ '&d
=e&t to her roo,.
8I ', &ot this "ody(: she told hersel+. It ='s
so,ethi&g -'tie h'd t'!ght the,. 8De'r( de'r "ody( yo!
do &ot &eed to h've this p'i&(: she repe'ted over '&d
over. She let this ,ess'ge r!& thro!gh her legs li$e
6B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
he'li&g ='ter( )ool( re+reshi&g. She let the =ords ='sh
the p'i& '='y.
C'rol dis)overed i& the d'ys to +ollo= th't -'tie
&ever '&s=ers ' *!estio& th't h's &ot "ee& 's$ed. She
does &ot i,pose. ;& '&other d'y( the gro!p visited '&
I&di'& ,!se!, 't the site o+ '& '&)ie&t )'ve1d=elli&g
people. The gro!p h'd s)'ttered thro!gho!t the ,!se!,
vie=i&g 'rti+')ts =he& C'rol re'liHed she ='s &ot doi&g
=h't she ='&ted to do. She ='&ted to "e =ith -'tie. 0!t
the prospe)t o+ dist!r"i&g -'tie verged o& the
i,possi"le. C'rol h'd gro=& !p i& the So!th. olite&ess(
"ei&g proper( holdi&g "')$ her o=& i,p!lses '&d desires
i& order to 'ss!re the )o,+ort o+ others =ere v'l!es
deeply i&stilled. 8Do&Ft "other peopleJ Do&Ft ,'$e '
little pest o+ yo!rsel+J: Ho= o+te& h'd she he'rd those
=ords>
As she stood 'lo&e( g'Hi&g 't '& eDhi"it o+
prehistori) tools( she tho!ght( 8IF, "ei&g proper( so
proper. ThereFs &othi&g I ='&t ,ore th'& to "e =ith
-'tie '&d le'r& everythi&g she )'& te')h ,e. 0!t she
&eeds to h've her sp')e. I do&Ft ='&t to "e ' pest.: Th't
='s it. She did&Ft ='&t to "e ' pest. S!dde&ly s!)h
tho!ghts see,ed silly.
C'rol le+t the eDhi"it '&d +o!&d -'tie st'&di&g i&
'&other roo, "y ' p'i&ti&g. She =e&t !p to her '&d "!rst
i&to te'rs.
8-'tie( IF, tryi&g to "e so proper '&d &ot "other
yo!( "!t th'tFs &ot =h't I ='&t. I ='&t yo! to te')h ,e
everythi&g yo! $&o=. I ='&t to $&o= =h't yo! $&o=.:
-'tie too$ C'rol i&to her 'r,s. 8;h( ho&ey( it too$
gre't )o!r'ge +or yo! to )o,e to ,e '&d s'y th't.:
C'rol )o&ti&!ed to =eep. The t=o =o,e& =e&t
o!tside '&d s't o& ' l'rge ro)$. -'tie "eg'& to t'l$
i&ti,'tely( i&te&sely. C'rolFs g'He +elt lo)$ed i&to
65
-'tieFs. She he'rd -'tieFs voi)e( "!t she did&Ft he'r her
=ords. It ,'y h've "ee& the voi)e o+ )re'tio&( the voi)e
o+ "ei&g. It h'd the ti,"re o+ =i&d i& the )rev'sse( the
ge&tle&ess o+ the ,o!&t'i& stre',. It +elt to her li$e the
i&+i&ity o+ ' Sedo&' &ight( the ,ir')le o+ st'rs. It r'&
thro!gh her li$e "loodI it ='s the "e'ti&g o+ her o=&
he'rt. It ='s the v'st '&d ope& sp')es o+ Divi&e 7i&d.
-'tie +i&ished. C'rolFs se&se o+ the t=o o+ the,
sitti&g o& the ro)$ ret!r&ed '&d she re'liHed she h'd&Ft
he'rd ' =ord th't -'tie h'd s'id. The l'st =ords she
re)'lled =ere( 8I& 'll these seve& ye'rs si&)e I =o$e !p(
I &ever told '&yo&e this "e+ore. . .: '&d the& the =ords
=ere lost !&til she he'rd -'tie s'y( 8A&d yo!r &',e is
H!,"le.: A&d those =ords =ere the l'st( the o&es th't
"ro!ght C'rol "')$ i&to her sep'r'te i&divid!'lity.
8;h &o(: C'rol s'id to hersel+. 8#h't did yo! do
th't +or> Yo! did&Ft he'r =h't she s'id( '&d she ='s
te')hi&g yo! so,ethi&g.: Si&)e th't ti,e she 's$ed
-'tie sever'l ti,es to tell her 'g'i&( p!t it i&to =ords(
"!t -'tie s,iles '&d s'ys th't C'rol is too i&te&t !po&
the =ords. #h't she h's is e&o!gh. -'tie s'ys( 8He'r
,e li$e ' so&g. It )'&&ot "e he'rd =ith the ,i&d
'&y='y.:
;& the d'y the gro!p ='s s)hed!led to go to '&
o"serv'tory( it ='s )losed. So,e )hose to hi$e '&other
tr'il. 7'ry ='s tired '&d she '&d C'rol ret!r&ed to the
hotel +or ' rest. #he& they told -'tie o+ their pl'& she
s'id( 8IFll )o,e 'lo&g '&d =eFll do so,e =or$.:
;& th't d'y 7'ry '&d C'rol =ere i&trod!)ed to
The #or$.
C'rol still h's the s)r'p o+ p'per -'tie "ro!ght to
her hotel roo,. ;& it 're =ritte& si,ple phr'ses: I
sho!ld@ I ',@ I &eed@I ='&t@ I =o&Ft ever...
6A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
She '&d 7'ry =or$ed =ith -'tie to =rite do=& 'll
their tho!ghts( their ti&y tho!ghts( sel+1'"sor"ed
tho!ghts( tho!ghts th't did&Et =or$( )rippli&g tho!ghts(
tho!ghts th't =ere ill!sio&( tho!ghts to =hi)h theyFd
)l!&g +or ye'rs. They =rote the, do=&( '&d -'tie
sho=ed the, ho= they )o!ld let the +'lse "elie+s go '&d
+i&d their i&&o)e&)e 'g'i&.
#he& -'tie le+t the roo, she s'id( 8Yo! t=o h've
+!&( &o=( =ith the IFs '&d ,eFs.: They l'!ghed. The
#or$ re'lly ='s 's +!& 's it ='s pro+o!&d. The &eDt d'y
-'tie )',e "')$ i&to the roo, '&d the t=o others
res!,ed their *!estio&i&g o+ her. I& ' sp')e o+ ti,e
+ollo=i&g -'tieFs respo&ses( C'rol +elt ' deep *!iet gro=
i&side her. She loo$ed 't -'tie sitti&g there '&d s'id to
her: 8#h't )'& I do +or yo!>: The '&s=er )',e dire)tly
i&to her ,i&d. She he'rd the =ords =ithi& hersel+.
8Te')h ,e to "e ' h!,'&.:
C'rol did&Ft s'y ' =ord. She loo$ed 't -'tie =ho
s,iled '&d s'id( 8ItFs do&e.:
C'rol did The #or$ +or ,ore th'& ' ye'r. She
tr'veled to C'li+or&i' '&d spe&t ti,e "ei&g i&divid!'lly
t'!ght "y -'tie. At T')op' o&e &ight( -'tie s'id to
C'rol( 8Yo! h've&Ft le'r&ed yet ho= to "e ' h!,'&
"ei&g.:
At +irst it too$ C'rol "')$. 8I ', ' h!,'& "ei&g(:
she tho!ght. The& she !&derstood.
8-'tie(: she 's$ed( 8does th't ,e'& th't everythi&g
th't I h've do&e i& 'll ,y li+e( +ro, the ti,e o+ ,y "irth
!&til &o=( does&Ft ,e'& '&ythi&g>:
8ItFs tr!e( C'rol.:
C'rol ='s re'dy +or this re'liH'tio&. 8Th'tFs ' "ig
eye1ope&er(: she s'ys( 8=he& yo! he'r th't yo!Fve lived
yo!r e&tire li+e +'lsely( =ith +'lsehood( &othi&g "!t
66
+'lsehoods. Re'lly. A&d I tried to do it so =ellJ #o=J
Th't ='s ' =o&der+!l thi&g +or ,e to he'r. It ope&ed '
door. I+ I ='s goi&g to "e ' h!,'& "ei&g( I ='s goi&g to
"e ' tr!e h!,'& "ei&g. A&d th'tFs =h't The #or$ does.
6p to th't ti,e I did&Ft $&o= i+ I ='s o& the right p'th. I
$ept tryi&g to do the "est I )o!ld ? I tried to "e &i)e '&d
$i&d '&d lovi&g( "!t I &ever $&e= i+ I ='s doi&g it. The&
't 'ge +i+ty1t=o I "eg'& to live ho&estly =ith the help o+
-'tie '&d The #or$.:
C'rol s'ys &o=: 8It ='s =o&der+!l. It h's
)o&ti&!ed to "e so. I h've le'r&ed +ro, -'tie th't '
perso& does&Ft &eed to "e v'lid'ted "y others. At the
ti,e I ,et her( I ='s loo$i&g +or veri+i)'tio&( ' g'!ge to
,e's!re =ith( to see =here I ='s. 7y !lti,'te )hoi)e i&
this li+e is to "e)o,e ' livi&g Christ '&d to do <odFs
=or$. Th't h's "ee& tr!e si&)e ,y eDperie&)e te& ye'rs
'go. -'tie ='s ' gi+t. She )',e. She sho=ed ,e =ho I
='s( =here I ='s( '&d I h've )o,e to $&o= ,ysel+ si&)e
IFve $&o=& her.
8-'tieFs =or$ h's t'!ght ,e the Tr!th o+ ,ysel+(
eli,i&'ted ill!sio&s I tho!ght IFd )le'red '='y "!t
h'd&Et. It h's "ro!ght ,e s!)h gre't pe')e '&d love. I
love everyo&e( &o=( &o ,'tter =h't. ItEs ' love =itho!t
G!dg,e&t. The #or$ h's give& ,e th't. I !sed to p'ss i&
'&d o!t o+ th't $i&d o+ love. No= I )'& st'y there.
8The #or$ sho=ed ,e ho= to get re'l =ith ,ysel+.
ItFs t'!ght ,e tot'l respo&si"ility +or ,ysel+. Everythi&g
st'rts '&d e&ds '&d h's to do =ith ,e '&d &o o&e else(
'&d th't ='s ' h!ge lesso&. #he& it )o,es to ,y li+e
'&d eDperie&)e( I ', the o&e =ith +!ll respo&si"ility(
Th't lets everyo&e else o++ the hoo$. It lets ,e o++ the
6C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
hoo$ too "e)'!se I do&Ft h've to "e respo&si"le +or
'&yo&e else( =hi)h ='s so,ethi&g I 'l='ys !sed to try
to "e.
8-'tieFs ='y t'$es yo! =ithi& to yo!r o=& Tr!th
'&d te')hes yo! to ho&or th't. She t'!ght ,e th't =he&
yo! live i& yo!r o=& Tr!th( yo! live i& pe')e. ItFs si,ple
"!t itFs Re'lity.
-'tie is &ot here to s've the =orld. SheFs si,ply
sh'ri&g( =ith '&yo&e =ho ='&ts to $&o=( the ,ethod
she !ses to ='$e !p. SheFs re'l. ThereFs &othi&g pho&y or
+'$e '"o!t her. She does&Ft p!t o& 'irs. SheFs si,ply '&
ope&( ho&est( lovi&g( )'ri&g h!,'& "ei&g. A&d she is
th't per+e)tly. She is so,eo&e =ho )'& "e)o,e yo!r
ide'l. Not idol( ide'l. Yo! )'& loo$ 't -'tie '&d s'y(
yes( there is so,ethi&g to strive +or.
8It )',e to ,e the other &ight th't ,y li+e is '
sy,"ol o+ ,y thi&$i&g. So i+ I do&Ft li$e =h'tFs goi&g o&(
I &eed to )h'&ge ,y thi&$i&g( ,e. I do&Ft &eed to )h'&ge
'&yo&e else. .!st ,y thi&$i&g. A&d th'tFs =h't -'tie
te')hes.:
62
THE ;NE
There is o&ly one story( 0yro& -'tie tells ,e =he&
I )'ll to 's$ 'dvi)e '"o!t this "oo$. It does&Ft ,'tter =ho
tells it. It is C'rolFs storyI it is ,y storyI it is the story o+
the o&e )'lled 0yro& -'tieI they 're 'll the s',e. #he&
I h've the, 'll =ritte& do=& I =ill see th't( she tells ,e.
#e 're the story o+ ;&e.
A&d e')h story is pre)io!s( !&i*!e( )lothed i& the
i,'ges o+ '& i&divid!'l li+e. The o&e story is +iltered
thro!gh ' perso&'l history( "!t the story does&Et )h'&ge.
It is the story o+ .es!s( the story o+ the 0!ddh'( the story
o+ 0yro& -'tie( ,y story( yo!rs.
89et ' yo!r +i&gers tell it. 8 0yro& s,iles. ItFs
+!&&y( I $&o= sheFs s,ili&g eve& tho!gh sheFs o& the
pho&e i& 0'rsto=( '&d IF, o& the other e&d o+ the li&e i&
7'rti&eH. 8Do&Ft think it. ItFs "etter =he& yo! do&Ft thi&$
it.: SheFs re+erri&g to so,ethi&g I told her th't ,y
,other !sed to s'y: The =ords 're i& ,y +i&gers. ItFs the
='y to Tr!th( 'ro!&d the ego1,i&d( 'ro!&d the tho!ghts
th't )o&+!se( th't get 'rrog'&t '&d )e&sorio!s. <ive
the, ' &od( s'y( 8Th'&$ yo! +or sh'ri&g(: '&d p'ss "y.
The =ords 're i& ,y +i&gers. The story is told "y the
so!l.
87y story( yo!r story: ? this is ' ='y o+ spe'$i&g(
'& e,ph'sis o& di++ere&)es. 7'y"e it is ' ='y I $eep
,ysel+ sep'r'ted( s'+e +ro, those I disli$e or +e'r.
7'y"e there 're =ords i& ,y +i&gers I h've&Ft yet let o!t
"e)'!se I hold too )'re+!lly to ,y s,'llest sel+.
8#ho 're yo!>: I $eep 's$i&g her.
69
A CRY IN THE DESERT
She respo&ds th't I $&o= =ho she is. 8I ', yo!(:
she s'ys. 8#he& yo! loo$ 't ,e yo! see yo!rsel+. The
o&ly re'so& yo! do&Ft re)og&iHe ,e is th't yo! do&Ft
$&o= =ho yo! 're. There is o&ly ;&e. -&o= yo!rsel+
'&d $&o= this.:
I ', ,ore th'& ,y s,'ll sel+. There is &othi&g I ',
&ot. There is &o sep'r'tio&. #he& I loo$ o!t( seei&g
=h't I "elieve is i& +ro&t o+ ,e( I ', loo$i&g i&to '
,irror. I see ,ysel+( ' ,'&i+est'tio& o+ ,ysel+. It is the
,o!&t'i&I it is the +!ll ,oo&I it is ' )o&s!,i&g +ireI it is
' stor, th't te'rs do=& trees '&d rips ho!ses !p +ro,
the gro!&dI it is the +')e o+ ,y h!s"'&dI it is the perso&
=e'ri&g r'gs '&d "eggi&g +or +oodI it is he =ho st'rvesI
it is the soldierI it is the tort!rer '&d the perso& =ho is
tort!redI it is the )hild le+t 'lo&e. It is 'll ' ,irror. There
is &othi&g I ', &ot.
The ;&e is 9ove. It is =e =ho per)eive the rest.
This is =h't 0yro& tells ,e.
0yro& '&d I sit t'l$i&g o& ' ='r, s!,,er ,or&i&g.
;!tside i& the y'rd "ees dip i&to the +lo=ersF thro'ts '&d
"irds si&g.
8St'y i& the pl')e =here yo! 're &ot )re'ti&g '&
ill!sio&(FF she tells ,e. 8St'y i& the I A,. I& the I A,
everythi&g is 'lre'dy )re'ted. I& ,y ='$i&g '&d livi&g
li+e I )'& see )re'tio&( yo!( sitti&g i& +ro&t o+ ,e here
'&d I see yo!r &e)$l')e '&d I see yo!r "elt '&d I $&o=
=h't th't is. ItFs Re'l. ItFs 9ove. ItFs 7e. IF, i& the
prese&)e o+ 7ysel+ ? 9ove. ItFs Everythi&g. ThereFs &o
tho!ght o+ &e)$l')e( &ot eve& o+ "e'!ti+!l Christi&( &o
)o&)eptsI IF, G!st )o,+ort'"le 's 0ei&g. Th'tFs the "lissI
G!st seei&g =h't is '&d $&o=i&g IE, sitti&g i& the
prese&)e o+ Sel+. #he& IF, sitti&g still( =ith ,y eyes
)losed( there is &ot eve& ' )o&)ept 'ro!&d th't. ;&)e =e
C3
to!)h the I A,( it is o&ly the "elie+ or )o&)ept o+ =h't is
&ot th't t'$es !s '='y. #e "e)o,e '='re th't tho!ghts
,ove !s '='y( '&d so =e stop )re'ti&g "elie+s 'ro!&d
the tho!ghts. Every tho!ght 'tt')hed to t'$es !s '='y
+ro, Re'lity( +ro, the #h't is.
8I te')h the Tr!th th't I ',. A =o,'& i& ,y l'st
=or$shop 's$ed( 8#hy do te')hers &ot h'&g o!t =ith
the ,'sses '&d pl'y '&d so)i'liHe>F She des)ri"ed her
gr'tit!de th't I do. I h'd ,y +oot o& the )o++ee t'"le( '&d
I s'id( FI )'& see =h't yo! )'ll ' coffee table '&d I )'&
p!t ,y +oot o& it. 0!t I h've the '='re&ess th't it is the
Is. So,eo&e &',ed it table( '&d the &',e is '
per)eptio& th't is p'ssed o&. 0!t +or, is&Ft eve& +or,
!&til =e &',e it. I live =ith yo!( h'&g o!t =ith yo!(
so)i'liHe =ith yo!( )o,,!&i)'te =ith yo!( these ')tio&s
)o!ld "e see& 's ris$y "e)'!se( "y the,( I )'& le'd yo!
to "elieve( si,ply thro!gh h!,'& )o,,!&i)'tio&( th't it
is ')t!'lly ' t'"le. #he& I so)i'liHe =ith yo!( I e&d !p
te')hi&g yo! so,ethi&g th't is &ot. Co,,!&i)'tio&( "y
its very &'t!re( sep'r'tes.
8There 're &o &e= ide's. #he& I sit =ith people
'&d do The #or$ it 'llo=s everyo&e to see th't there is
&o sep'r'tio&. #e 'll )o,e to $&o= th't there is &ot o&e
origi&'l tho!ght( &o ,'tter ho= dr'sti) '&d di++ere&t it
,'y so!&d. No o&e h's devised ' &e= )o&)ept or
tho!ght +ro, the "egi&&i&g o+ tho!ght( =hi)h is =h't
h!,'&s )'ll ti,e. ItFs 'll the s',e. The #or$ is o&e ='y
th't =e )'& see th't o!r thi&$i&g does&Ft go '&y=here or
do '&ythi&g. ItFs G!st plotti&g K,'&e!veri&gL. #e p!t
di++ere&t sy,"ols o& it( '&d th't +r'g,e&t'tio& ,'$es !s
"elieve o!r tho!ghts or sit!'tio&s 're di++ere&t +ro,
those o+ others.
8The poi&t here is th't '&y tho!ght o!t o+ Tr!th is
o!t o+ 'lig&,e&t '&d t'$es !s o++ the p'th. The o&ly
p!rpose o+ th't tho!ght is to ,ove !s +ro, the I A,.
C1
A CRY IN THE DESERT
Tr!th is the I A,. The +lo=er is ,y "ody. The so&g o+
the "ird is ,y "ody. I ', 'll1i&)l!sive. I& the still&ess(
Ki+ I ',L o!t o+ "elie+sPtho!ght( I )'& $&o=. E&tirety o+
the =hole is visi"le. It e&)o,p'sses everythi&g( 'll the
!&iverse( 'll the !&iverses( '&d eve& th't is li,iti&g.
#he& =e )'& $&o= the I A,( 'll the !&iverses "e)o,e
the ;&e( '&d there 're &o ,ore *!estio&s. Eter&ity. To
"e still is si,ply to "e o!t o+ )o&)epts.:
So &othi&g =e )'& )o&)eive is the Re'lity o+ the I
A,. I& +')t every )o&)ept o+ =hi)h =e 're )'p'"le is so
+'r +ro, th't Re'lity 's to "e &othi&g. Eve& <od. All o!r
)o&)epts o+ <od 're so +'r +ro, th't Re'lity th't they
're &othi&g.
I t!r& to 0yro&. 8ItFs li$e E)$h'rt s'yi&g( FI pr'y
<od to deliver ,e +ro, <od.E:
8Yes(: she '&s=ers. 80!t =e &eed to &',e th't(
too( li$e table( so =e &',e it 1odI =e &',e it Buddha!
=e &',e it Krishna.2
3A&d =e do&Ft re'lly $&o= =h't it is( do =e> A&d
the ,o,e&t =e try to &',e it( =e set it 'p'rt '&d there
're t=o( '&d this is sep'r'tio&.:
8Yes(: K-'tie s'ysL. #e h've to &',e it so,ethi&g(
so =e &',e it 9ove. #e &',e it "e)'!se &',i&g is ho=
=e thi&$ =e $eep )o&trol. #e 're "odies o+ ,i&d i& this
di,e&sio&. 0!t the &',e =e give to =h't 'ppe'rs 's
+or, is the ='y =e +eel G!sti+ied i& ,ovi&g '='y +ro, It
Is.:
8So 'll o+ "ei&g 'ppe'rs to !s 's ' ,ove,e&t i& the
;&e( the I A,( '&d it is ,ysel+( '&d I ,ove =ith it. It
is&Ft eve& li$e sti,!l!s1respo&se "e)'!se th't =o!ld "e
to s'y two.:
8Yes. Yes( Christi&( o&ly =e do&Ft ,ove with it( =e
,ove as it.
C4
T;6CHED A99 THE #AY THR;6<H
.oh& '&d I 're G!st sitti&g do=& to di&&er =he& the
pho&e ri&gs. 8Hello> Is this Christi&>: The =o,'&Fs
voi)e so!&ds )'re+!l. I respo&d th't I ', Christi&.
87y &',eFs Sh'ro&. -'tie1!,( 0yro& s!ggested I
)'ll.:
These )o&vers'tio&s =ith people =ho $&o= 0yro&
-'tie )'& t'$e '& ho!r( so,eti,es lo&ger. I sho!ld let
the '&s=eri&g ,')hi&e h'&dle )'lls =hile I ', e'ti&gI
th'tFs =h't I "o!ght it +or. I +eel p!lled "et=ee& .oh&
'&d the =o,'& o& the pho&e. I tell her I ', G!st sitti&g
do=& to di&&er( th't I ', e'ger to t'l$ =ith her '&d ='&t
to give her ,y +!ll 'tte&tio&. Th't =ill "e e'sier i& '"o!t
'& ho!r. I 's$ i+ I ,'y )'ll her "')$.
8A& ho!r>: I he'r !&)ert'i&ty i& her voi)e.
8Is th't ' "'d ti,e +or yo!> #e )o!ld 'rr'&ge
'&other ti,e i+ yo! ='&t.:
8No( '& ho!rFs o$'y. IFll )'ll yo!.:
There is ' )li)$ '&d she is go&e.
So,ethi&g +eels =ro&g. IF, &ot s!re IFll he'r +ro,
her 'g'i&. 0!t i& o&e ho!r pre)isely to the ,i&!te the
pho&e ri&gs '&d it is Sh'ro&. I 'pologiHe +or the del'y
'&d th'&$ her +or )'lli&g "')$. The& I 's$( 's I 'l='ys
do +or the telepho&e i&tervie=s( i+ I )'& t'pe o!r
)o&vers'tio&. I eDpl'i& th't I )'& liste& ,!)h "etter i+ I
do&Ft h've to t'$e &otes '&d i+ I &eed to *!ote her
dire)tly the t'pe =ill provide ,e =ith her eD')t =ords.
She is sile&t +or '& !&)o,+ort'"ly lo&g ,o,e&t.
The& she l'!ghs &ervo!sly '&d s'ys th't 's lo&g 's sheEs
CB
A CRY IN THE DESERT
de)ided to do this 't 'll( she ,'y 's =ell go 'lo&g =ith
=h't is "est +or ,e.
I press the re)ord "!tto& o& the ,')hi&e '&d
=o&der ho= this )o&vers'tio& =ill pro)eed. Eve&
tho!gh Sh'ro& )'lled ,e to tell her story( I $eep +eeli&g
her retre't.
89etFs get so,e "')$gro!&d o& yo!( o$'y Sh'ro&>
C'& yo! give ,e yo!r +!ll &',e( 'ddress '&d pho&e
&!,"er>:
8#ell( ,y &',e is Sh'ro&( "!t I do&Ft ='&t to give
yo! ,y +!ll &',e. A&d I live i& 0'rsto=I it does&Ft
,'tter =here. IF, G!st so,eo&e =ho, -'tie h's I helped
' gre't de'l( '&d I o=e ,y li+e to her. She "ro!ght ,e
"')$ to <od '&d ?I do&Ft $&o=.:
Her voi)e +'des o++.
I 's$ ho= lo&g sheFs $&o=& -'tie. She tells ,e +o!r
ye'rs. #e t'l$ '"o!t "oth =o,e& h'vi&g lived i&
0'rsto= ,ost o+ their lives. Sh'ro& s'ys sheFs lived there
her e&tire li+e. Despite this( they o&ly ,et +o!r ye'rs
e'rlier.
8I g!ess 0'rsto= is pro"'"ly "ig e&o!gh th't
people )o!ld do th't.: IF, thi&$i&g =h't ' po=erho!se
0yro& is '&d =o&deri&g ho= she )o!ld live i& ' s,'ll
to=& =itho!t ,ost everyo&e 't le'st $&o=i&g =ho she
is.
8IF, '& isol'tor(: Sh'ro& voi)e see,s to =ithdr'=(
8So th't ,'y "e the re'so& =e did&Ft ,eet.:
A& isol'tor> IFve &ever he'rd '&yo&e ide&ti+y
the,selves th't ='y "e+ore. I 's$ '"o!t the
)ir)!,st'&)es th't "ro!ght her together =ith the o&e she
)'lls -'tie.
8#ell( I ='s "'si)'lly dyi&g '&d I ='&ted to die.
%or '"o!t t=e&ty ye'rs I ='s i& '&d o!t o+ ,e&t'l
i&stit!tio&s. IFd h'd ' stro&g religio!s "')$gro!&d( "!t I
C5
)o!ld&Ft see, to p!ll o!t o+ the depressio&( o!t o+
everythi&g I ='s i&. I do&Ft $&o=. I thi&$ <od "ro!ght
-'tie '&d ,e together. I G!st did&Ft ='&t to live. I ='s
se&t to ' pl')e I do&Ft ='&t to &',e '&d I ,et -'tie
there. I re,e,"er her pl')i&g her h'&d o& ,y sho!lder(
'&d I ='s very '&gry. 0!t =he& I +elt her h'&d it ='s
li$e <od s'id( FSheFs the o&e yo! )'& tr!st.F I did&Ft tr!st
'&yo&e ? &ot 't 'll ? '&d I still h've ' h'rd ti,e.:
<ood he've&sJ Here is ' =o,'& =ho +o!ght +or
t=e&ty ye'rs to )li," o!t o+ isol'ted depressio&( o!t o+ '
)o,plete l')$ o+ tr!st i& people( '&d I h'd G!st 's$ed her
to )'ll ,e "')$ so I )o!ld e't ,y di&&er.
8This is very "r've o+ yo!( the&( to )'ll ,e( is&Ft
it>:
8Yes.:
8Yes. /ery )o!r'geo!s.:
I re,e,"er 0yro& o&)e telli&g ,e th't she is here
+or the si)$est o+ the si)$( the very poor( those deepest i&
tro!"le. As I liste& to Sh'ro&Fs story( I let ,ysel+ le'r&
th't =h't I ', doi&g =ith this "oo$ is letti&g ,y o=&
he'rt "e ope&ed( letti&g ,ysel+ "e to!)hed '&d he'led "y
those =ho 0yro& h's loved "')$ to li+e. These people
=ho )o,e to ,e =ith their stories 're ,y te')hers.
H!,ility +eels ,ore 'ppropri'te th'& pro+essio&'lis,
here. IFd do =ell to he'r i& the ri&gi&g o+ the pho&e( 's
0yro& does( the voi)e o+ <od.
A&y='y( 8Sh'ro& )o&ti&!es( 8I did give -'tie '
)'ll the very &eDt d'y '&d 's$ed her i+ she =o!ld help
,e. Th't ='s ' very "ig step +or ,e '&d she s'id she
=o!ld. %ro, the& o& she G!st helped ,e. She loved ,e
!&til I )o!ld love ,ysel+. The ,ost i,port'&t thi&g she
did ='s to get ,e "')$ to the <od th't IFd 'l='ys
$&o=&. I )',e +ro, losi&g everythi&g( ,ysel+ i&)l!ded.
I ='s very lo= =ith &o )o&+ide&)e 't 'll( '&d &o= IF,
CA
A CRY IN THE DESERT
=or$i&g '&d doi&g ' re'l good Go". A&d I ='s told I
=o!ld &ever "e '"le to =or$ 'g'i& ? th't I ='s
per,'&e&tly dis'"led. 0!t itFs &ot tr!e. IF, ,'$i&g itJ:
Sh'ro&Fs story is st'r$. It is ' $&i+e peeli&g '='y 't
her ,i&d. It is te'rs '&d the sile&)i&g o+ the he'rt.
Sh'ro&Fs li+e di,i&ished her hope '&d le+t her '+r'id. It
is li+e ='&ti&g to die. It is ' li+e o+ voi)es )')$li&g i& her
he'd.
Her +',ily ='s +illed =ith holes '&d she +ell
thro!gh. It )o!ld&Ft hold her. It )o!ld&Ft )'re e&o!gh. At
t=o ye'rs old she +elt the "etr'yi&g h'&ds o+ seD!'l
'"!se. She dis'ppe'red i&side her ,i&d. 0!t there ='s
&othi&g there th't she )o!ld tr!st. %i&di&g &othi&g
tr!st=orthy i&side or o!tside( Sh'ro& gre= to h'te
hersel+. 8Everythi&g I see,ed to do ='s &ot good
e&o!gh +or ,e '&d others. I tried every ='y I $&e= to
get help "!t I &ever )o!ld tr!st e&o!gh.:
Her ,other too$ her to )h!r)h( G!st ' +e= ti,es(
=he& she ='s ' s,'ll )hild. Sh'ro& held to so,ethi&g
she +elt there( so,ethi&g she h'd +irst +elt i& &'t!re. 8I
+elt <od 't ' very yo!&g 'ge(: she s'ys( 8I !sed to go sit
o!t =ith the )'lves '&d )o=s '&d +elt th't <od ='s
t'$i&g )'re o+ ,e ? th't He ='s the o&ly o&e I )o!ld t'l$
to.: <od g've ' se)!rity th't "'l'&)ed the '"!se '&d the
terror i& her ,i&d. <od "lo)$ed her ,e,ories '&d
helped her st'&d o!tside the p'i&. 0!t =he& she ='s
+i+tee& th't 87ighty %ortress: i& her ,i&d +ell. 8Th'tFs
=he& I +irst tried to )o,,it s!i)ide '&d +ro, the& o& it
='s G!st o&e "ig roller )o'ster( ' st'te o+ )o&+!sio&.
7'i&ly I ='s G!st tryi&g to s!rvive or die( o&e or the
other.:
C6
%or t=e&ty ye'rs Sh'ro& "'ttled. A&gry voi)es i&
her ,i&d gre= lo!der( so lo!d so,eti,es th't they
dro=&ed o!t the voi)es o+ her ther'pists. She h'd &o re'l
+rie&ds. Everyo&e +e'red her. The ther'pists '&d
psy)hi'trists lo)$ed her !p or tied her do=&. Th'tFs ho=
she re)og&iHed their +e'r. They told her she ='s
s)hiHophre&i).
She g've "irth t=i)e. The )hildre& gre= !p i& the
)h'os o+ her r'ge. She )o&s!,ed e&or,o!s *!'&tities o+
'l)ohol )o,"i&ed =ith psy)hotropi) dr!gs. 8Every ti,e
I overdosed( so,eo&e =o!ld "ri&g ,e "')$ to li+e '&d
IFd get very '&gry. It G!st did&Ft =or$ +or ,e. I si,ply
did&Ft $&o= ho= to *!it doi&g the thi&gs I ='s doi&g.
A&d i+ I did *!it +or ' ti,e( the& I did&Ft $&o= ho= to
live. I )o!ld&Ft t'l$ to people or go o!tside ,y ho!se. I
='s too '+r'id.:
D!ri&g these ye'rs <od )o&ti&!ed to "e ' re+!ge.
The )h!r)h( the s',e )h!r)h she 'tte&ded =ith her
,other =he& she ='s ' )hild( $ept its doors ope& to her.
8They did&Ft )h'se ,e '='y eve& tho!gh I )o!ld&Ft stop
dri&$i&g. There ='s o&e l'dy =ho &ever stopped pr'yi&g
+or ,e. She loved ,e !&)o&ditio&'lly "!t she )o!ld&Ft
help ,e. I G!st +elt so ,!)h sh',e '&d g!ilt the&.: No
,'tter =hi)h ='y she t!r&ed( de'th see,ed to )ro!)h 't
the e&d o+ the ro'd. 8I G!st did&Ft ='&t to live '&y ,ore.
It ='s li$e th't +or t=e&ty ye'rs. I G!st did&Ft ='&t to.
0!t <od h'd other pl'&s.:
Sh'ro& ,et -'tie. 8I did&Ft loo$ 't her. I re,e,"er
h'vi&g ,y he'd do=&. 0!t there ='s ' ='r, se&s'tio&
th't =e&t thro!gh ,y "ody. It ='s !&!s!'l +or '&yo&e to
to!)h ,e "e)'!se I 'l='ys@( &o o&e !s!'lly did
"e)'!se there ='s ' ='ll 'ro!&d ,e. eople G!st did&Ft
to!)h ,e '&d -'tie did. She ='s&Ft '+r'id o+ ,eI I ='s
'&gry( very '&gry. Her to!)h )',e 'll the ='y thro!gh.
CC
A CRY IN THE DESERT
I ='s +righte&ed o+ her( "!t +or so,e re'so& I $&e= she
)o!ld help ,e i+ I )o!ld G!st "e ho&est =ith her. It too$
,e so,e ti,e to do th't( "!t she ='s p'tie&t.:
-'tie ='s ' )o&tr'di)tio& th't 't +irst Sh'ro& )o!ld
'))ept o&ly =ith s$epti)is,. 8She ='s 'll lovi&g '&d 'll
$i&d '&d I tho!ght ? y!$$yJ 8 The voi)es i& Sh'ro&Fs
,i&d ='r&ed her to st'y '='y. 4on't trust her( they s'id.
+he's a fake. +he'll betray you. 4oesn't eeryone betray
you- +he'll hurt you. 0ust look at her$ smiling all the
time$ saying she loes you. ,hat good are you- ,hat's
in you to loe- +he's lying. +he's crazy. +he can't loe
you! no one can loe you.
0!t there ='s o&e voi)e i& Sh'ro&( o&e so+t
=hisper( th't 'llo=ed G!st ' little tr!st. A&d she ope&ed '
s,'ll( ' very old door to -'tie. The ,ore she let hersel+
"e =ith -'tie( the =ider th't door ope&ed. 8A&d sheFs
the o&e =ho $ept helpi&g ,e( letti&g ,e $&o= th't it
='s o$'y( eve& tho!gh I )o!ld&Ft )o&)e&tr'te or do
'&ythi&g. She G!st $ept letti&g ,e $&o= th't it ='s o$'y.
She $ept telli&g ,e th't she loved ,e ? so,ethi&g I
did&Ft "elieve +or ' lo&g ti,e. 0!t KIL did. I do&Ft $&o=
=he& I tr!ly st'rted tr!sti&g her( "!t there ='s ' ti,e
=he& I did. A&d I do &o=.:
%or ' lo&g ti,e Sh'ro& )o!ld&Ft e&ter -'tieFs ho,e.
They s't i& -'tieFs )'r i& +ro&t o+ the ho!se '&d did The
#or$. They t'l$ed '"o!t +e'r '&d g!ilt '&d <od. 8I+
there is ' <od(: Sh'ro& s'id to -'tie o&e d'y( 8I &eed to
$&o= "e)'!se IF, do!"ti&g very ,!)h.: #h't h'ppe&ed
&eDt is so,ethi&g Sh'ro& holds )lose( ' $i&d o+ divi&i&g
rod. She des)ri"es it this ='y: 8There ='s &o o&e
'ro!&d( '&d =he& I s'id th't I &eeded to $&o=( the top
o+ her )'r popped li$e so,eo&e h'd sl',,ed it( "!t
there ='s &othi&g ? &o o&e 'ro!&d. I thi&$ it ='s the
+irst ti,e I st'rted l'!ghi&g( '&d I s'id to her( F;$'y( did
yo! rig it
C2
it>: 0e)'!se I ='s very s$epti)'l( very &eg'tive. I )o!ld
"e &eg'tive '"o!t '&ythi&g. 0!t I still re,e,"er th't
eve&t. I 's$ed +or ' sig& '&d got o&e G!st li$e th't. It ='s
po=er+!l. It )h'&ged so,ethi&g i& ,e( G!st slightly( to
'llo= ' little ,ore ti,e +or ,ore help.:
E')h o+ Sh'ro&Fs voi)es &eeded )o&vi&)i&g. They
)o&ti&!ed to ,'$e ' r')$et i& her he'd. They ,'de it
di++i)!lt to do The #or$. The& -'tie s!ggested th't
Sh'ro& )h'&ge her e'ti&g h'"its. #h't =o!ld h'ppe& i+
she )!t o!t s!g'r '&d s'lt '&d red ,e't> Sh'ro& tried it.
The voi)es *!ieted do=&. They did&Ft go '='y( "!t there
='s ' &oti)e'"le di++ere&)e. It too$ ' lo&g ti,e to
)o&vi&)e hersel+ th't it re'lly ='s p'rti'lly the +ood th't
='s doi&g it. 0!t =he&ever she ret!r&ed to her old ='y
o+ e'ti&g( the voi)es "e)',e stro&g( ,ore vitrioli).
8No= I $&o= itFs tr!e. It ='s the o&ly ti,e( i& 'll
those ye'rs( th't '&ythi&g ever =or$ed 's +'r 's *!ieti&g
the voi)es to the poi&t th't I )o!ld )o&)e&tr'te( )o!ld
!&derst'&d =h't ='s goi&g o&. 9et ,e tell yo!( tho!gh(
thereFs still ' p'rt o+ ,e( so,eti,es( th't s'ys itFs ' lot o+
"!&$J The& I go 'he'd '&d e't the =ro&g +ood( '&d the&
I go &!ts 'g'i& "e)'!se I =o!ld li$e to "e &or,'l ?
=h'tever th't is. A&d itFs &ot ' possi"ility +or ,e to do
the thi&gs other people 're '"le to do '&d live ' s'&e
li+e. I )'&Ft. So i+ I ='&t the pe')e '&d the s'&ity '&d the
love I +eel +or ,ysel+( the& I e't right. The& thi&gs go '
lot "etter. I do&Ft $&o= ? it h's ' lot to do =ith the +ood.:
0yro& -'tie te')hes th't +ood( li$e every other
sy,"ol( is i&&o)e&t. 8ItFs ,y "elie+ th't s'ys I )'& e't
)ert'i& thi&gs( li$e re+i&ed &o&+oods(: she s'ys. 8This is
=here "elie+ loses its i&&o)e&)e. Th't is the lie. 0y
')ti&g o& the lie( =e eDperie&)e its e++e)ts 's
&ervo!s&ess( r'ge( sleepless&ess( p'ssive&ess(
C9
A CRY IN THE DESERT
tr'&*!ility( o"esity( ,'l&!tritio&( i&s'&ity( dise'se( '&d
de'th. These e++e)ts s'y( F7y d'rli&g( t'$e ' loo$ 't yo!r
,i&d( 't origi&'l tho!ght( 't yo!r "elie+( 't Tr!th.F Ho&or
th't. The physi)'l )hoi)es th't res!lt +ro, s!)h ho&ori&g
"ri&g '"o!t ' pe')e+!l "ody re+le)tive o+ the ,i&d th't
,'de the )hoi)e.
8I+ =e )'&&ot $&o= th't the "elie+ is ' lie
origi&'lly( '&d =e the& ')t o& the lie( the "ody is the
voi)e th't tells !s the Tr!th th't ='s &ot 'v'il'"le to the
,i&d. C'& =e he'r it> There is o&ly o&e h!&ger( It is the
h!&ger +or H'ppi&ess '&d !lti,'tely +or <od. 0ody
re+le)ts ,i&dI it does&Ft h've ' )hoi)e. Tr!th+!l ,i&dI
he'lthy "ody. De)eit+!l ,i&dI si)$ "ody. I& ti,e it 'll
'ppe'rs er+e)t re+le)tio&.:
Sh'ro& visited =ith -'tie every d'y( '&d =he&
-'tie le+t to=& +or =or$shops Sh'ro& visited =ith '!l.
She li$ed "ei&g i& -'tieFs prese&)e '&d '!l )o&t'i&ed
so,ethi&g o+ -'tie th't Sh'ro& )o!ld +eel. 0!t it ='s&Ft
G!st Sh'ro&Fs o=& &eed th't pro,pted the visits. A love
'&d )'re +or -'tie 'rose i& her 'lo&g =ith her love +or
hersel+. She ='&ted to eDpress her love( her )'ri&g.
There is ' "o&d "et=ee& the t=o =o,e& &o= th't is so
deep th't Sh'ro& s'ys she $&o=s eve& "e+ore she )'lls
=hether -'tie is 't ho,e i& 0'rsto=. 8ItFs ' )o&&e)tio&
th't I )'&Ft eDpl'i&.:
9i+e still is &ot per+e)t +or Sh'ro&. I& +')t(
per+e)tio& ? the re*!ire,e&t she pl')es o& hersel+ to "e
per+e)t ? is o&e o+ her de,o&s. 8So,e"ody h's to give
,e per,issio& to do this progressively '&d &ot per+e)tly.
I ', ' per+e)tio&ist. I+ I +elt I h'd to do it per+e)tly( I
.!st )o!ld&Ft do it 't 'll. The +irst ti,e IFd +'il I =o!ld&Ft
? I do&Ft $&o=. I &eed to $&o= I do&Ft h've to "e per+e)t
'&d th't <od loves ,e '&d 't le'st o&e other perso&
loves ,e. I $&o= -'tie loves ,e. She gives ,e
per,issio& &ot to do this per+e)tly.:
23
She )o&ti&!es to t'$e ,edi)'tio& +or her ill&ess.
She does&Ft li$e to do th't "e)'!se itFs di++i)!lt +or her to
"e depe&de&t( "!t =itho!t the ,edi)'tio&( she is&Ft '"le
to =or$ 't her Go". She thi&$s th't i+ she )o&siste&tly 'te
the +oods th't she &eeds( the ,edi)'tio& =o!ld&Ft "e
&e)ess'ry.
0yro& -'tie te')hes th't right thi&$i&g )hooses the
,edi)i&e K+oodsL th't he'l '&d th't t'$i&g pres)riptio&
,edi)i&e +ro, do)tors is &othi&g ,ore th'& the dr'sti)
'tte,pt to ,'$e this )hoi)e. 8He'l yo!rsel+(: 0yro&
e&)o!r'ges( 80y $&o=i&g yo!rsel+ '&d let the ,edi)'l
do)tors "e the 0'&d1AidesM th't "ri&g yo! thro!gh to
the ti,e i& =hi)h yo! )'& $&o= yo!rsel+.:
8IF, G!st &ot =illi&g to do the thi&gs I &eed to do(:
Sh'ro& re+le)ts. 8ItEs e'sier to G!st t'$e ' pill th'& to
sti)$ to the diet Kthe Tr!thL ? "!t itFs i&s'&e. I do&Ft
$&o=( I thi&$ th'tFs =hy I still do&Ft h've th't $i&d o+
love th't I )o!ld h've. IF, =or$i&g o& it.:
The )h'&ges i& Sh'ro& ','He her ther'pists '&d
other do)tors =ho h've $&o=& her +or ye'rs. 8They
did&Ft "elieve I )o!ld(: she s'ys. 8They G!st )'&Ft "elieve
th't IF, )'p'"le o+ =or$i&g '&d th't I do&Ft &eed to t'$e
the $i&d o+ psy)hotropi) dr!gs th't I ='s o&( '&d they
h'd ,e o& ' &!,"er o+ the,. I o&ly t'$e R'&'D &o=.:
She "elieves th't 's she progresses i& The #or$ eve&
R'&'D =ill "e)o,e !&&e)ess'ry +or her.
8I+ it =ere&Ft +or -'tie(: Sh'ro& re+le)ts( 8I do&Ft
"elieve I =o!ld "e =here I ',. I '"sol!tely $&o= th't
<od p!t her i&to ,y li+e so th't she )o!ld g!ide ,e. He
did this =he& I did&Ft eve& $&o= ho= to t'l$ to people
or ho= to do '&ythi&g. So it is .es!s Christ( '&d &o
other( =ho is respo&si"le +or ,y re)overy. <ive 'll the
glory '&d pr'ise to hi,.
21
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8#h't -'tie t'!ght ,e is "'si)'lly to loo$ 't
,ysel+. She t'!ght ,e ho= to )le'& !p 'll th't ,ess th't
='s i&side o+ ,e( ho= to get it do=& o& p'per( ho= to
'))ept the respo&si"ility +or ' lot o+ thi&gs I ='s +eeli&g
? to loo$ 't ,y p'rt i& 'll o+ th't. She t'!ght ,e ho= to
love ,ysel+. ItFs ' ,ir')le. #ell( I still )'&Ft loo$ i& the
,irror too ,!)h( "!t I do it ' lot ,ore th'& "e+ore. IFve
)h'&ged. IF, ' perso& =ith sel+1estee, '&d )o&+ide&)e(
o&e =ith the '"ility to t'l$ =ith people. IF, )'p'"le o+
lovi&g people '&d tr!sti&g the,( 't le'st to ' poi&t '&d( I
do&Ft $&o=( I G!st +eel li$e ' )o,pletely di++ere&t
perso&.:
#he& I 's$ Sh'ro& =h't it is '"o!t -'tie th't gives
her the po=er '&d =isdo, to "ri&g he'li&g( Sh'ro& s'ys(
8I thi&$ itFs "e)'!se sheFs "ee& thro!gh the s',e thi&g.
She !&derst'&ds p'i& '&d s!++eri&g '&d 'll the thi&gs
IFve go&e thro!gh. She !&derst'&ds the +e'r '&d
isol'tio&. She +o!&d ' ='y to get o!t o+ it.:
A&d th't is tr!e.
24
N; %EAR
%e'r "ro!ght ,e to 0yro& -'tie i& the +irst pl')e. It
"ri&gs ,'&y. I $&o= th't &o=. %e'r o&)e "ro!ght -'tie(
hersel+( i&to ' priso& o+ greed '&d r'ge '&d &!,"i&g
dr!gs '&d +oods. I still +eel p'i& =he& I tell the story o+
her +e'r '&d the de'th she died "e)'!se o+ it. The&(
"e)'!se o+ ,y p'i&( I $&o= th't ,y ,i&d )o&ti&!es to
sed!)e ,e i&to +e'rs o+ ,y o=&. 8Do The #or$(: 0yro&
=o!ld s'y. 86&)over the lie '&d live i& =h't is Re'l.:
%e'r is the "elie+ th't =h't is Re'l =ill h'r, !s. It
is the s!spi)io&( o+te& eve& the )o&vi)tio&( th't the
!&iverse is &ot progressi&g 's it sho!ld( th't <od ,'de '
,ist'$e or ='s&Ft =ise e&o!gh to get thi&gs right. ItFs the
i,p!lse to t'$e )o&trol( ,ysel+( o+ desti&y( o+ the +!t!re
? 's i+ I )'&. I $&o= I )'&Ft( so the& I +'ll i&to p'&i). I+
<od is &ot =ise e&o!gh '&d the !&iverse is s=i&gi&g o!t
o+ )o&trol '&d I )'&Ft +iD it( the& ,y thi&$i&g s'ys itFs
"o!&d to h'r, ,e. %e'r $eeps ,e tryi&g to "e <od. %e'r
e&s!res ,y +'il!re. ThereFs &o Tr!th i& it. IF, &ot <od.
A&d the ;&e =ho is ,'$es &o ,ist'$es.
I& +e'r =e )re'te dr','s o+ o!r lives. #e divide
o!rselves i&to p'rts( ,'$e roles( ,'$e voi)es i& o!r
,i&ds( s)'re o!rselves to de'th. I& +e'r =e ,'$e
o!rselves si)$.
8The si)$ "ody is the voi)e o+ +e'r+!l ,i&d(: 0yro&
s'ys. %e'r "e)o,es '& !l)er. It spe'$s thro!gh )'&)er. It
is high "lood press!re. It is 'rthritis. It is ' tighte&i&g !p(
'& '&ger =ith Tr!th( ' resist'&)e to Re'lity( '&
i&siste&)e o& ,y o=& ='y( ,y egoFs ='y( ,y little
visio&.
2B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
%e'r is !&til itFs &ot. A pe)!li'r tr'p devised "y the
,i&d is o!r 'tte,pt to t'l$ o!rselves o!t o+ +e'r.
Thi&$i&g '"o!t ,y +e'r digs ' deeper pit +or it. 7e&t'l
str!ggle t'&gles the ,i&d. 0yro&Fs ide' o+ 8dr','
h'ppe&i&g: or 8e++orti&g: t'&gles o&e i& the +e'r.
She $&o=s. E++orti&g ='s her li+e +or +orty ye'rs.
She )re'ted ' dr',' to rid hersel+ o+ her +e'r o+
reGe)tio&( o+ "ei&g &o o&e( '&d it red!)ed her to &othi&g.
She l'y !&der her "ed( i& r'ge( i& terror( )o,pletely
'+r'id ? '&d the& she l'y there i& =o&der over '
)o)$ro')h '&d there ='s &o +e'r( '&y=here.
#he& she spe'$s to ,e o+ dr','s( dre',s(
,ythologies( I $&o= i,,edi'tely =h't she ,e'&s. I
tho!ght the e++orti&g ='s ' respo&si"ility( so,ethi&g I
='s "o!&d to do( ' ='y o+ )'ri&g +or ,ysel+. I )l!&g to
this "elie+ despite ,y eDperie&)e th't it &ever =or$edI it
'l='ys ,'de ,y li+e ,iser'"le '&d i&)re'sed ,y +e'r. I
+ig!red I h'd +'iled 't thi&$i&g ,y ='y o!t o+ ' pro"le,.
I tried h'rder.
I )'lled it "ei&g re'dy. I )'lled it pl'&&i&g. I+ ,y
h!s"'&d ='s l'te 'rrivi&g ho,e( +or eD',ple( I +elt
'tt')$ed "y the +e'r o+ loss. 8#h't i+ there ='s '&
'))ide&t> 8 s'id ,y ,i&d. 8#h't i+ heFs i& the hospit'l>
#h't i+ he died>: So there ='s the dr','( the s)e&e set.
#h't e++ort did I &eed to ,'$e> 7y sto,')h )h!r&ed.
I,'ges +illed ,y ,i&d. The )r'sh s)e&e. 7y 'rriv'l. ;r
the hospit'l. #'l$i&g i&to IC6. 8Co!ld I ,'$e it o& ,y
o=&>: )o&ti&!ed ,y ,i&d. 8Co!ld I eve& drive> #ho
,ight I )'ll( =h't +rie&d =o!ld t'$e the ti,e to help ,e>
A&d the& the +!&er'l( =h't '"o!t th't> Ho= )o!ld I
e&d!re it> Ho= =o!ld he li$e it to "e> IFd h've to )'ll
his +',ily. Ho= =o!ld I s!rvive =itho!t hi,>:
0y the ti,e ,y h!s"'&d ='l$ed i& the door( thirty
,i&!tes l'te( IFd eDh'!sted ,ysel+ =ith this dr',' o+
25
+e'r. IFd ='sted pre)io!s e&ergy o& ill!sio&s. IFd ,'de
,ysel+ ' little( or ' lot( si)$.
8#hy do yo! do th't to yo!> 8 0yro& 's$s.
A"o!t eight ,o&ths '+ter 0yro& +irst told ,e I ='s
!si&g ,y ,i&d to s)'re ,ysel+( '&d siD ,o&ths '+ter I
"eg'& doi&g The #or$( I ='s 'g'i& ='iti&g +or ,y
h!s"'&d to )o,e ho,e. He '&d his "rother '&d &ephe=
h'd t'$e& o!r &e= EDplorer tr!)$ o!t i&to the desert +or
' ,or&i&g o+ t'rget pr')ti)e '&d eDperi,e&ti&g =ith the
+o!r1=heel drive. They pl'&&ed to "e ho,e 'ro!&d
&oo&. #he& o&e oF)lo)$ )',e I +elt ' ti&y Golt o+ +e'r.
#here =ere they>
I re,e,"ered 0yro&Fs 'd,o&itio& th't =e &ot hold
o& to s!)h 8)o&tr')tio&s: +or ,ore th'& ' +e= se)o&ds.
8#h'tFs re'l>: I 's$ed ,ysel+.
I +elt the s!& thro!gh the =i&do=. I he'rd ' "ird
si&g. I s,elled the 'ro,' +ro, ,y )!p o+ H'rvest Spi)e
te'. 7y little &ote"oo$ )o,p!ter h!,,ed( '&d =ords IFd
G!st +i&ished =riti&g sho&e "')$ 't ,e +ro, the "')$1lit
s)ree&. He ='s l'te. Th't ='s 'll. #hy he ='s l'te ='s
so,ethi&g I )o!ld&Ft $&o= '&d &o ',o!&t o+ thi&$i&g
=o!ld "e '"le to provide ,e =ith the $&o=ledge. #h't
='s re'l ='s the thi&g right i& +ro&t o+ ,e. I let it "e.
The re'lity i& +ro&t o+ ,e )o&t'i&ed &o h'r,. I
)o&ti&!ed to =rite +or three ,ore ho!rs. At +o!r oF)lo)$
they still =ere&Ft ho,e. The tho!ght dri+ted thro!gh ,y
,i&d th't i+ they h'd&Ft 'rrived "y s!pperti,e I =o!ld
)o&t')t the high='y p'trol. .!st 's th't h'ppe&ed( I
he'rd the EDplorer p!ll i&to the drive.
They )',e i& l'!ghi&g. Dirty. %ilthy( i& +')t. They
h'd "ee& pl'yi&g i& the desert. #h't )o!ld th't EDplorer
do> Ho= good ='s th't +o!r1=heel drive> Drive do=&
this hill. Drive 'lo&g th't dried !p river"ed. A&d they
got st!)$( re'lly h!&g !p. It too$ +o!r ho!rs to dig o!t(
get e&o!gh =ood !&der the tires +or tr')tio&. They
2A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
r'tio&ed their ='ter. The te,per't!re ='s over '
h!&dred degrees. 0!t they did it. #'s there ever '
do!"t> #h't '& 'dve&t!reJ #h't +!&J
No h'r,. No +e'r.
0!t =h't( the old voi)es 's$( =h't i+ theyFd died(
the& =h't> A&d I respo&d: #o!ld +e'ri&g it h've
helped> It =o!ld h've depleted ,e. #e h've 'll =e &eed
to ,eet e')h ,o,e&t =ith =h'tever it )o&t'i&s. The
,o,e&t =e )'ll 8de'th: is &o di++ere&t +ro, the others.
E')h ,o,e&t p'sses to le've sp')e +or the higher good.
8The highest good =ill )o,e =he& yo! ='it '&d let
th't highest good )o,e +orth i& pe')e. 0e)'!se =he& =e
let go( it le'ves ' v')!!, th't the !&iverse h's to +ill. It
h's toI it is ' l'=.
8So 's lo&g 's yo! 're i& )o&tr')tio& i& +e'r( it
)'&&ot ,ove i&( "!t thro!gh the letti&g go( so,ethi&g
higher )o,es i&( '&d th't =ill "e per+e)t. At th't
,o,e&t =e )'& $&o= it( "!t the ,i&!te =e ,ove '='y
+ro, th't pe')e i&to the +e'r st'te( it is the ,i&d s'yi&g
the !&iverse ='s ,'de =ro&g( '&d th't =e $&o= "etter
th'& th't. #e 're .!dgi&g it. #e ,ove '='y '&d it is &ot
ever goi&g to =or$( &ever h's =or$ed. So =e ,ove i&to
the s!rre&der pl')e '&d it 'll "e)o,es 'v'il'"le to !s
'g'i&. A&d =e h've '"sol!te )o&trol over th't( ,ovi&g
"')$ i&to per+e)tio&.
8#h't I ', s'yi&g is th't thi&gs 're 's they 're
s!pposed to "e. There is o&ly pe')e '&d per+e)tio&( o&ly
good. #e h've "ee& t'!ght other=ise( "!t it is G!st
si,ply &ot so. I+ I thi&$ so,ethi&g is &ot good( the& I
&eed to =or$ o& ,y ,i&d !&til I )'& see the tr!th o+ it.
A&d th't is The #or$.
26
S6CCESS IS N;T 0ETRAYA9
8D'vid thi&$s heFs lost.: 0yro&Fs voi)e( deep(
h!s$y.
8#h't do yo! ,e'&> #h't h'ppe&ed>:
I h'd G!st told her IFd "e )'lli&g hi,. I ='s '"o!t to
=rite this )h'pter. ;& the pho&e three ,o&ths 'go(
,'y"e +o!r( he h'd 'greed to t'l$ +!rther =ith ,e.
8%ro, ho,e(: he h'd s'id( 8IFll +eel ,ore
)o,+ort'"le t'l$i&g '"o!t this =he& IF, 't ho,e.:
D'vid )'lled ,e( th't +irst ti,e( +ro, 0yro& -'tieFs
ho!se. He visited her o+te& to "olster his hope. She told
,e th't he h'd )ried '+ter he h!&g !p the pho&e. She h'd
held hi,.
8HeFs so "e'!ti+!l. HeFs 9ove. 0!t so,eti,es he
+orgets. He loses =h't he $&o=s '&d he )o,es "')$ here
to re,e,"er. C'll hi, 't ho,e. As$ hi, to t'l$. His
he'rt is ope&.: 0yro& h'd )'lled ,e =he& he le+t her
ho!se. She 'lso told ,e th't the do)tors s'id D'vid h'd
)'&)er. He h'd&Ft ,e&tio&ed it to ,e. 8ItFs there '&d the&
it is&Ft. It )'& 'ppe'r th't =he& he does The #or$ the
)'&)er le'ves. #he& he +orgets =ho he is( it see,s the
)'&)erFs "')$. It =o!ld "e i&teresti&g to see the do)torFs
do)!,e&t'tio&.:
He ='s&Ft ho,e l'ter th't =ee$ =he& I )'lled. The&
other )h'pters i&terve&ed. I h'd told hi, I ,ight &ot )'ll
+or ,o&ths. #h't does 0yro& ,e'& th't he thi&$s heFs
lost>
8HeFs o& )he,other'py( ho&ey. So ,'&y dr!gs.
HeFs &ot hi,sel+. HeFs li$e ' ='ll. ItFs di++i)!lt to get
thro!gh. ItFs +e'r. The +e'r. A&d he does&Ft h've )'&)er.
Eve& the do)tors s'id there ='s &o )'&)er "!t they
2C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
='&ted to do this '&y='y '&d D'vid ='s '+r'id.:
9ost. The lost "oy. /ery li$e th't eter '& "oo$
so,e ye'rs 'go th't )hro&i)led the p'i& o+ so ,'&y ,e&
i& o!r )!lt!re. 9i$e the 5uer Aeternum( the eter&'l )hild
o+ the .!&gi'& theoristsI the o&e =ho =o!ld r'ther die
th'& rele'se the +'&t'sy o+ yo!th. They s'y th't s!)h '
o&e !s!'lly does die so,e ti,e "e+ore +i+ty. D'vid is
+orty1seve&.
I tell her I =ill &eed to =rite this )h'pter +ro, the
D'vid i& ,y he'rt. I do&Ft ='&t to o,it hi, +ro, the
"oo$. His testi,o&y is vit'l. I re,e,"er telli&g hi, o&
the d'y he +irst )'lled th't his story h'd &'tio&'l
i,pli)'tio&s. #h't ,'$es ,e loy'l to his story( tho!gh(
h's &othi&g to do =ith i,pli)'tio&s( &'tio&'l or
other=ise. 7y loy'lty is to so,ethi&g i& his voi)e( '
*!'lity o+ =ist+!l&ess( ' "oyish to&e li$e '& eleve& ye'r1
old =ho $&o=s the te&1speed "i$e !&der&e'th the
Christ,'s tree ,!st "e +or hi, "!t still )'&Ft "ri&g
hi,sel+ to "elieve itFs tr!e.
0yro& 's$s ,e to hold the li&e ' ,o,e&t.
So,eo&eFs o& her )'ll1='iti&g. She ret!r&s to s'y th't
she &eeds to t'$e the )'ll. I h'&g !p the pho&e '&d dig
thro!gh ,y t'pes to +i&d D'vidFs: I slip it i&to ,y
re)order. His voi)e. Hesit'&t. So+t =ith ' )ore o+
ple'di&g. The voi)e o+ '& 'doles)e&t "oy.
He gre= !p poor( ' N'tive A,eri)'& "oy i& the
high desert o+ the A,eri)'& #est. ThereFs &othi&g
ro,'&ti) '"o!t his li+e( &othi&g th't s,')$s o+
Holly=ood. He does&Ft eve& ,e&tio& his tri"e. Is he
Ap')he> N'v'ho> IFll &ever $&o= "e)'!se I did&Ft 's$.
His d'd dr'&$ too ,!)h( died o+ 'l)oholis,. His !&)les
dr'&$. ro"'"ly his gr'&d+'ther too. ro"'"ly
ge&er'tio&s o+ 'l)oholi)s. HeFs pretty s!re. ItFs ho=
every"ody ='s( he s'ys. It ='s eDpe)ted.
22
D'vid too$ his +irst dri&$ i& the lo)$er roo, 't
.!&ior High S)hool. He pl'yed "'s$et"'ll. He ='s
s$illed e&o!gh to get ' s)hol'rship( o&e he l'ter lost
"e)'!se o+ so,ethi&g i& his ,i&d th't s'id &o. The
'l)ohol +elt good( +elt po=er+!l( g've hi, )o&+ide&)e.
He ='s&Ft !sed to )o&+ide&)e. He tho!ght he =o!ld pl'y
"etter "'s$et"'ll =ith dri&$s "e+ore '&d '+ter. #he& he
='s high &othi&g )o!ld de+e't hi,.
87y sel+1estee, )',e "')$. I did&Ft +eel li$e G!st
this poor I&di'& "'rely s!rvivi&g =ith his +',ily.:
Every"ody did it. All the "oys. All the ,e&. He
h!&g 'ro!&d the "'r. He '&d h's +rie&ds rode dirt "i$es
thro!gh the desert. They yelled. They strode !p to girls.
They sho=ed ho= stro&g they =ere. Al)ohol '&d seD.
D'vid s'ys they )'&Ft "e sep'r'ted. ThereFs &o love i&
the ,i&d +looded =ith 'l)ohol( &o respe)t( &o ,or'lity.
A&d there ='s &o ='y o!t. It ='s ho= they
de,o&str'ted solid'rity.
8I& high s)hool every =ee$e&d ='s ' "eer p'rty. I
=e&t to s)hool high. Dr'&$ d!ri&g l!&)h ti,e ? '+ter
s)hool. It got progressively =orse. I got $i)$ed o!t o+
s)hool +or dri&$i&g. I got $i)$ed o!t o+ 'thleti)s. I =e&t
to .!&ior College '&d I dr'&$. I pl'yed 'thleti)s '&d I
still dr'&$. I did&Ft $&o= it( "!t ,y dri&$i&g ='s getti&g
,ore '&d ,ore. All ,y +rie&ds( 'll ,y rel'tio&ships(
=ere )e&tered o& dri&$i&g. I pi)$ed the, o!t or they
pi)$ed ,e. The& I st'rted t'$i&g dr!gs ? =eed( )o)'i&e.
Th't ='s =he& I got i&to ,'Gor )ollege ? ' +!ll
s)hol'rship to ' priv'te s)hool. I did&Ft )o,plete it
"e)'!se o+ dr!gs '&d 'l)ohol. IFd G!st get ,ysel+ i&
tro!"le 'll the ti,e.
8A&d seD. It ='s ' pro"le,. IFd try to s)re= '&y girl
th't ='l$ed i& +ro&t o+ ,e. Th't ='s =he& I ='s o&
'l)ohol '&d dr!gs. #he& yo!Fre dr!&$ yo! do 'll the
i,,or'l ')ts. #he& yo!Fre dr!&$ yo! loo$ +or =o,e&.
29
A CRY IN THE DESERT
All o+ !s did it. I h've &o ,or'ls =he& IF, dr!&$. Yo!r
=hole "ody )h'&ges. Yo!Fre &ot re'lly yo!. Yo! +eel
li$e '& ill!sio&( ' po=er+!l "ei&g =ho )'& get '&y
=o,'& yo! ='&t. A&d i& re'lity itFs ' "ig( +!)$i&F lie.
8-ids do&Ft "elieve this. I h've so&s. ItFs li$e th't
+or the, too. It G!st $eeps goi&g +or people !&til it
)li)$s. ItFs ' lie. I )'&Ft )le'& ,y so&s !pI they h've to
)le'& the,selves !p.
8I try to t'l$ '"o!t the seD '&d 'l)ohol pro"le, 't
T=elve Step ,eeti&gs. eople sidestep this iss!e. They
do&Ft ='&t it ,e&tio&ed. 7'y"e itFs "e)'!se "oth =o,e&
'&d ,e& 'tte&d the ,eeti&gs. It ,'$es it re'l h'rd.
TheyFre '+r'id. Yo! h've to ='t)h =h't yo! s'y. eople
do&Ft $eep se)rets. The si)$est o+ the si)$est 're sitti&g
i& th't roo,. 0ig ti,e +e'r. Th'tFs pro"'"ly =hy =e
dr'&$ i& the +irst pl')e. %e'r o+ s!))eedi&g.
8#ill 'll ,y +rie&ds h'te ,e i+ I do s!))eed> eer
press!re is stro&g. I+ I str'ighte& !p '&d live right( li$e
yo!Fre s!pposed to live li+e( =ill I lose 'll ,y +rie&ds> I
did&Ft ='&t to do it. Not =he& I ='s gro=i&g !p. ThereFs
' lot o+ )o&+li)t there. Espe)i'lly livi&g i& ' lo=
+i&'&)i'l e&viro&,e&t.:
A terri+yi&g logi). He is telli&g ,e th't this is =h't
is do&e i& his )!lt!re. He t'l$ed hi,sel+ i&to "elievi&g it
? I&di'&s dri&$( )'ro!se( drive +'st thro!gh the desert(
pi)$ !p girls. I&di'&s do&Ft &eed the =hite ,'&Es ='ys.
I&di'&s s)or& =hite ,'&Fs s!))ess. #ho &eeds
ed!)'tio&> #ho &eeds ' )'reer> #ho &eeds '&ythi&g o+
this 6.S. )!lt!re( the )!lt!re th't destroyed the N'tive
A,eri)'& people>
I+ he li+ts hi,sel+ !p +ro, th't e&viro&,e&t( he
thi&$s he "etr'ys his people( 's tho!gh s!))eedi&g is to
+'ll. He see,s to "elieve itFs ' +'il!re +or ' N'tive
A,eri)'& i& his e&viro&,e&t to +it i& to the )o,,o&
93
A,eri)'& )!lt!re. I s!ggest this to hi,.
8Th'tFs tr!e(: he tells ,e. ThereFs '& edge o+
s!rprise to his voi)e. 8I &ever tho!ght o+ it li$e th't
"e+ore. ItFs tr!e. I !sed to "elieve th't the =hite ,'&
='&ted this: to $eep !s i& poverty. I& ' ro!&d'"o!t ='y I
still "elieve this. The preG!di)ed tho!ghts 're still
'ro!&d. It ,ight "e 1995( "!t the thi&$i&g is still the
s',e. #e still p!t !p =ith it. IF, &ot s'yi&g every "ody
does it( "!t ' lot o+ people =ith po=er h've those ide's(
'&d they go to )h!r)h o& S!&d'y.:
D'vid tells ,e th't i& o&e '+ter&oo& 0yro& t!r&ed
his li+e 'ro!&d.
8She s'ved ,y li+e.:
He he'rd '"o!t her +ro, ,!t!'l +rie&ds. He h'd &o
other hope '&d so he )'lled her !p. She told hi, to )o,e
over to her ho,e '&d he =e&t. She t'!ght hi, to do The
#or$.
8She ,'de ,e =rite it 'll o!t o& p'per so I )o!ld
loo$ 't it. I +o!&d o!t it ='s 'll ' lie. 7y tho!ghts =ere
lyi&g to ,e. I ='s livi&g ' lie.:
;!r )o&vers'tio& )ir)les 'ro!&d 'g'i& to the
'l)oholis,. 8ItFs ' ,'Gor pro"le, i& the I&di'&
pop!l'tio& ? the ,issio& I&di'&s( the reserv'tio&
I&di'&s. Yo! go "')$ '&d its thereI the 'l)ohol $eeps
I&di'&s +ro, s!))eedi&g( +ro, $eepi&g Go"s. The $ids
G!st gro= !p ='t)hi&g the 'd!lts "ei&g disho&est(
i,,or'l. -'tie g've ,e =h't I &eed to "re'$ the )h'i&.:
No= D'vid ,ight "e dyi&g o& the sh'do= side o+
his +e'r. ;r ,'y"e he is "re'$i&g the )h'i&1le'r&i&g ho=
to live =itho!t +'il!re.
No&e o+ the stories here is +i&ished.
91
A CRY IN THE DESERT
%699NESS ;% 9I%E N;#
D'vid is o& ,y ,i&d. I thi&$ I $&o= the pl')e he
i&h'"its. I thi&$ IFve "ee& there. IFve tighte&ed !p(
gr'""ed hold o+ the s,'llest reed r'ther th'& 'llo=
,ysel+ to "e )'rried "y the )!rre&t( "or&e !p "y the
+lood o+ li+e itsel+.
8%e'r o+ s!))ess(: I re+le)t =hile 0yro& -'tie
liste&s( 87!st "e the +e'r o+ livi&g.:
8Yes.:
I ='&t to $&o= ,ore. I thi&$ ho= e'sy it is to li,it
,ysel+( set "o!&d'ries o& li+e( ,'$e it s,'ll. The
s,'ller li+e is( the less li$ely I =ill +'il. Th'tFs the lie tell
,ysel+. The lie is the +'il!re.
8There is &o +'il!re.: 0yro& s,iles. 8ThereFs o&ly
the ,i&d th't tells ,e I h've +'iled.:
S!))ess '&d +'il!re( "o!&d together( +lip sides o+ '
si&gle +e'r.
8Tell ,e =h't yo! $&o= '"o!t the +e'r o+ livi&g(: I
's$ her.
8The +e'r o+ livi&g is the +e'r res!lti&g +ro, the
tho!ght th't I ', ' "ody. rote)tio& o+ "ody "e)o,es
the o&ly go'l. 0!t I ', &ot ' "ody. Every e++ort goes to
prote)t =h't is &ot. There is &ot o&e tho!ght th't is &ot
'"o!t preservi&g the "ody. A&d I ', &ot this "ody.
#he& tho!ght do,i&'tes( the tr!e FIF sleeps.:
;&ly r'rely do I !&derst'&d =h't 0yro& s'ys '"o!t
&ot "ei&g ' "ody( '&d =he& I do( it is &ot )o&)ept!'l
!&derst'&di&g. #he& ,y ,i&d is e)lipsed( the& I
!&derst'&d. It is 'l='ys '& eDperie&)e i& =hi)h =h't I
thi&$ o+ 's ,y "ody si,ply does &ot eDist i& '&y ='y
94
th't sep'r'tes ,e o!t. ;&e is. ;&e =itho!t li,it. I ',
&ot )'&)eled "!t e)lipsed. 0ody is +l!idI it is 'irI it is '
shi,,eri&g i& the 9ight o+ the ;&e. The& &othi&g th't
)o!ld "e )'lled s!))ess or +'il!re )'& "e s'id to h've
'&y ,e'&i&g. They si,ply 're &ot '&ythi&g 't 'll. 9i+e is
All.
0!t ,y ,i&d eDerts itsel+. I p!ll "')$. 7y "ody is
solid. I ', sep'r'te. 9i,ited. I ', 's s,'ll 's I thi&$ I
&eed to "e i& order to $eep ,y +e'rs 't "'y.
8#ith D'vid( i& the N'tive A,eri)'& )!lt!re( to
hold o& to the p'st is to disreg'rd evol!tio&(: 0yro&
re+le)ts. 8#he& =e s'y th't the =hite ,'& "ro!ght
,oder&iH'tio& th't too$ !s +ro, the re'l e'rth( '&d th't
th't is &ot o$'y( =e 're s'yi&g th't =e $&o= ,ore th'&
<od. %or !s to s'y th't evol!tio& '&d ,oder&iH'tio& is
&ot o$'y is hopeless. Everythi&g )h'&ges. A&d Re'lity is
'l='ys the highest order. Ho= do =e $&o=> Here it is.
#e "egi& here( &o=.
8To hold o& is p'i&+!l( hopeless It )'&Ft "e do&e i&
the physi)'l. #e )'ll it the p'st. 0!t holdi&g o& is =h't
people try to do '&d itFs )'lled old 'ge( high "lood
press!re( dise'se '&d itFs )'lled de'th. It 'll stops =he& I
stop. Th'tFs =h't the poll!tio& o+ the e'rth is +orI =e )'&
$&o= it &o= or =e )'& $&o= it =he& the 'ir '&d ='ter
're too poll!ted to s!st'i&. I ', the )'!seI '&y o&e o+
these ills is the e++e)t. It is o!r )hoi)e. Th't is =h't
everythi&g is +or ? ti,e( evol!tio&( eve& o!r pl'&et. All
the s',e. The e'rth is yo!r "ody( ' per+e)t re+le)tio& o+
,i&d. oll!tio& is the voi)e th't s'ys( 87y d'rli&g( t'$e
' loo$ 't yo!r ,i&d. It is )ho$i&g yo! to de'th.:
I ', seei&g =h't holds ,e "')$. I ', re'liHi&g =hy
I do&Ft hold the '='re&ess o+ li+e i& its +!ll&ess. I 's$( 8I+
I +e'r s!))ess '&d "elieve i& +'il!re( is th't to s'y I resist
evol!tio&>:
9B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8Yes. It s'ys th't the p'st eDists '&d it s'ys th't the
+!t!re eDists. A&d to step i&to the +!t!re( =hi)h is =h't
yo! h've )re'ted 's the res!lt o+ ho= yo! ,isi&terpreted
the p'st( is terror.:
8A&d i+ =e "elieve i& ti,e( =eEre i& "o&d'ge to
it>:
8Yes. Yo! 're i& the "o&d'ge o+ ' p'st( see&( "!t
&ever h'vi&g eDisted eD)ept thro!gh yo!r i&terpret'tio&
o+ =h't yo! thi&$ h'ppe&ed( &ot =h't re'lly h'ppe&ed.
Th't is the dile,,'. A&d the res!lt is 'll the p'i& '&d
s!++eri&g =e see i& peopleFs dyi&g. The l'st =ord is
'l='ys( 8Its &ot +'irJ: Th't respo&se is &ever goi&g to
=or$ "e)'!se everythi&g is good. Everythi&g is 'lre'dy
+'ir. ItFs G!st the eyes th't )'&Ft see it th't s!++er ? the
eyes th't )'&Ft see =h't is. ;& this pl'&et there is o&ly
'"!&d'&)e( the <'rde& o+ Ede&( he've& 'lso. A"ove 's
"elo= ? the s',e. He've& is the higher tho!ght.
8%e'r is 'll '"o!t the +!t!re. The p'st does&Ft eDist
'&y='y( eD)ept 's G'ded re+le)tio&. #e let go o+
i&terpret'tio&s '&d see liter'lly or =e die( "e)'!se livi&g
i& the p'st( 's =e h've )o,e to i&terpret it( is G!st ' "ig
"'ll o+ g!ilt '&d sh',e. To see '&d he'r liter'lly(
=itho!t i&terpret'tio&( is to re,'i& 'geless ? i&+i&itely.
8'rti)!l'rly =ith reg'rd to this thi&g th't holds
,'&y )!lt!res i& its gr'sp. I+ =e o&ly )o!ld see this. ItFs
&ot G!st ' N'tive A,eri)'& thi&g. All o+ !s hold
so,ethi&g "')$ i& o!r )!lt!re( =hi)hever )!lt!re th't
,'y "e. #e preserve l'&g!'ge. #e preserve tr'ditio&s.
#h't +or> So =e )'& stop )h'&ge th't )'&Ft "e stopped.
So =e )'& "e sep'r'te. So I )'& "e di++ere&t +ro, yo!.
So I )'& $&o= ,ore. So o+ )o!rse it h!rts =he& =e try to
live '&d "e so,ethi&g th't is&Ft( th't does&Ft eDist.
8#e &eed to ,ove i&to the prese&t. Th'tFs =h't
evol!tio& ,e'&s. ItFs G!st seei&g #h't Is ? re'lly. ItFs the
95
')t o+ livi&g +!lly i& the prese&t( +!lly evolved to =h't is
o!r 6lti,'te Ho,e ? 's it re'lly is ? &o=.:
%or t=o d'ys I =o&der '"o!t the )o&&e)tio&s
"et=ee& preservi&g "odies '&d tr'ditio&s( strivi&g
to='rd s!))ess( =orryi&g '"o!t +'il!re '&d( "y livi&g i&
the +e'r this )'!ses( ,issi&g ,y li+e 'ltogether '&d
t!r&i&g evol!tio& "')$ o& itsel+. The se)o&d &ight I go to
sleep =ith the =ord form o& ,y ,i&d. 8Do&Ft )li&g to
+or,s(: so,ethi&g i& ,e s'ys. 8%or,s )h'&ge. 0ei&g is
eter&'l.:
#he& I '='$e i& the ,or&i&g( the s!& shi&es i&to
,y roo, thro!gh the gold '&d r!sset le'ves o+ ,y S=eet
<!, tree. ItFs the l'st d'y o+ Nove,"erI i& '&other =ee$
the "r'&)hes =ill "e "'re. 0irds si&g. A dog "'r$s. A
tr!)$ r!,"les do=& the street. 7y e,pty sto,')h
r!,"les to "e +ed. A $'leidos)ope o+ +or,s. S!dde&ly I
gr'sp =h't h'd see,ed to ,e to "e ' )o&tr'di)tio& i&
0yro&Fs t'l$ '"o!t the "ody. ;& the o&e h'&d she tells
,e I ', &ot ,y "ody. ;& the other h'&d( I i&terpret th't
she e,ph'siHes tre'ti&g o!r "odies =ell( +eedi&g the,
=ith livi&g +oods( givi&g the, p!re +l!ids( eDer)isi&g(
e&Goyi&g everythi&g the "ody )'& do.
There is &o di)hoto,y. This =hole =orld(
i&)l!di&g ,y "ody( is +or, ? ,!lti)olored( v'ried(
d'&)i&g( )h'&gi&g +or,. Cli&gi&g stops the d'&)e. The
d'&)e is the +!ll&ess o+ li+e 't every ,o,e&t. To +o)!s
o& the +or,( to stop it "e)'!se o+ +e'r( "e)'!se I &eed to
"e i& )o&trol o+ =h't I )'& &ever !&derst'&d( is =h't =e
)'ll dise'se( poll!tio&( )!lt!r'l de)li&e. The +or,s
!&+old( spir'l o!t( ' +l!rry o+ le'ves o& ' =hirl=i&d.
0yro& tells ,e( 8Yes. This ,i&d is the +or, "ody
t'$es 's ,e. This "ody( perso&'l or )!lt!r'l( is ,y
te')her. 0ody +ollo=s '&d re+le)ts ,i&d.: 0ody tells ,e
=here IF, holdi&g o&( stoppi&g the +lo= o+ li+e. It
9A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
tighte&s !p( resists. 7y =or$ i& this =orld is to !&tie
$&ots ,y s,'ll ,i&d h's ,'de i& the ,ist'$e& e++ort to
$eep ,e s'+e. 7y =or$ is to ho&or this "e'!ti+!l "ody(
'llo=i&g it to !&+old '))ordi&g to ' Higher 7i&d th'&
the ,i&d IFve )re'ted =ithi& ,ysel+. 7y =or$ is to give
this "odily +or, =h't it &eeds( ' s'&e ,i&d. The& "ody
,!st !&+old 't the speed th't 0ei&g ,oves. This
!&+oldi&g is to "e =h't is livi&g( ')tive( .oyo!s. To "e
9ove. As everythi&g is lived( let it go. 7ove o& to the
&eDt step i& the d'&)e. #hirl =ith the le'ves. Spi& =ith
the pl'&ets. Shi&e. #e 're the st'rs.
I re,e,"er( s!dde&ly( =h't 0yro& -'tie o&)e s'id:
8Yo! h've the )hoi)e to see the Re'lity o+ the ,o,e&t
or the )hoi)e to proGe)t o&to it the per)eived p'st or
+!t!re. It 'ppe'rs the p'st h's h'ppe&ed i& its o=&
,o,e&ts o+ ti,e '&d is !&)h'&ge'"le( "!t to see it 'g'i&
's it re'lly h'ppe&ed is to )h'&ge it ? there+ore it is
)h'&ge'"le. The +!t!re is deter,i&ed 's yo! i&terpreted
the p'st. #e 're o&ly this ,o,e&t i& Re'lity. Everyo&e
)'& le'r& to live 's the ,o,e&t( to )'t)h everythi&g 's
the ,o,e&t( to love =h't is i& +ro&t o+ yo! 's yo!. The
,ir')le o+ 9ove( o+ #h't Is( )o,es to yo! i& the
prese&)e o+ the !&i&terpreted ,o,e&t. I+ yo! 're o!t o+
the Re'lity o+ the ,o,e&t( yo! ,iss re'l li+e. 0e the
,o,e&t '&d eDperie&)e the .oy '&d 9ove th't yo! 're. I+
yo! 're i& the !&i&terpreted ,o,e&t( yo!r "ody is
'l='ys 'v'il'"le 's the p!rpose it &eeds to serve. No= is
the res!lt o+ the ,ir')le th't h'ppe&s. This is 'll there is
'&d 'll there ever =ill "e. This is "eyo&d i,'gi&'tio&.
This is the si,ply o"vio!s.:
96
H;9D THE 09ISS
S'&dr' is ,y &eigh"or. #e sit( so,eti,es( i& her
"')$y'rd ? 1 ' t'&gle o+ vi&es( her"s( "!shes( +lo=ers(
'&d trees. E&glish Ivy hides the +e&)e sep'r'ti&g her
ho!se +ro, the o&e "ehi&d. The +e&)e le'&s( =eighted
do=&. A =or$,'&( +iDi&g her "'throo,( 'te his l!&)h i&
the "')$y'rd '&d told her it re,i&ded hi, o+ The +ecret
1arden. He ,e'&t the t'&gle( the de&sity =here
tre's!res ,ight "e +o!&d "y o&e =ho tre'ds lightly '&d
)le'rs the thi)$et. S'&dr' does th't. She goes o!t there
every d'y '&d )le'rs ' sp')e( gives roo, to ' +lo=er(
digs !p ' pl'&t +ro, here '&d p!ts it there. #'ters thi&gs
"y h'&d.
SheFs ' ti&y =o,'&( thi&( pretty i& '& 'l'"'ster
='y. She !sed to "e ' &!& '&d so did I. This r'ther odd
)oi&)ide&)e "ro!ght !s together i& the +irst pl')e. 8N!&s
,'$e "etter =ives(: she told ,e o&)e( l'!ghi&g. 8#eFve
"ee& tr'i&ed to serve.: I re)oiled +ro, th't( perh'ps
thi&$i&g o+ servi)e ,ore s!per+i)i'lly th'& she( '&d &ot
't 'll 's 0yro& -'tie thi&$s. 8I ', here to serve(: 0yro&
tells !s. 8I ', 9ove. To serve yo! is .oy.:
0e+ore 0yro& e&tered o!r lives( S'&dr' '&d I
visited seldo,. She =or$ed i& ' g'llery '&d( 't ho,e(
h'd )hildre& gro=i&g !pI I h'd ,y =riti&g. Three(
,'y"e +o!r ti,es ' ye'r =e s't i& ,y "')$y'rd or hers
'&d t'l$ed o+ )o&ve&ts or o+ esoteri) spirit!'l g',es li$e
T'rot. #e h'd&Ft yet re')hed o&e '&otherFs so!ls.
No= =e )he)$ i& =ith e')h other every d'y.
S'&dr' lives o& the +i&e edge o+ li+e. She lives ,ore
'live th'& ,ost o+ !s. Her eyes shi&e.
9C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
This is the story she tells. It is her o=& voi)e.
8;& the d'y I ,et 0yro& I h'd "ee& ho,e +ro, the
hospit'l +or t=o or three d'ys. I h'd ' ,'ste)to,y. I h'd
,y right "re'st re,oved. I $&e= they +o!&d )'&)er )ells
i& eight o+ the te& ly,ph &odes they too$ o!t '&d th't it
h'd spre'd "eyo&d the ly,ph &odes '&d th't the
prog&osis ='s &ot good. I h'd 'lso st'rted 'lter&'tive
ther'pies. I ='s i& ' st'te o+ !tter terror.
IFd re'd so,e 0er&ie Siegel "oo$s '&d liste&ed to
t'pes "e+oreh'&d( '&d IFd st'rted o& ' spe)i'l ,edit'tio&.
I =o!ld get !p '&d ,edit'te '&d the& h've "re'$+'st( "!t
"y th't ti,e the res!lts o+ the ,edit'tio& =o!ld h've
=or& o++ '&d I &eeded '&other +iD '&d =o!ld ,edit'te
'+ter "re'$+'st( '&d the& I ,ight p!t ' lo'd o+ )lothes i&
the ='sh '&d "y the& IFd h've to go to "ed '&d ,edit'te
'g'i&. IFd ,edit'te '+ter l!&)h( '+ter di&&er( '&d "e+ore I
=e&t to "ed. ;& the third d'y o+ this( I re'liHed th't I
='s still i& ' st'te o+ !tter terror.
So I did ,y ,edit'tio&( th't ='s 'll I )o!ld do. A&d
'+ter the ,edit'tio&( I s'id( 8I re'lly )'&&ot go o&.: I
s'id( 8I &eed ' he'ler.: I )o!ld h'rdly "re'the. I &eed
so,e"ody =ho )'&&ot G!st re'd yo!r '!r' '&d p't yo!r
h'&d. I &eed o&e o+ those he'lers yo! re'd '"o!t =ho
tr'++i)s "et=ee& =orlds. I &eed so,e"ody =hoFs "ee& to
the other side '&d h's )o,e "')$ '&d =ho $&o=s yo!
)'& go there '&d yo! )'& )o,e "')$.: I +i&ished the
,edit'tio& '&d ='s still lyi&g i& "ed "e)'!se I ='s very
=e'$ '&d tired. The& the pho&e r'&g '&d it ='s Christi&.
Christi& lives t=o ho!ses do=& +ro, ,y ho!se '&d
I $&e= her "e)'!se o+ th't. Christi& is '& eD&!& '&d IF,
'& eD&!& '&d =e h'd t'l$ed o& '&d o++( "!t =e =ere &ot
92
good +rie&ds. I ='s "!sy =ith ,y )hildre& '&d =ith ,y
Go"I '&d Christi&( I 'l='ys tho!ght( ='s =riti&g !p i&
her roo,( '&d I did&Ft ='&t to "other her. I !sed to thi&$
th't =h't Christi& ='s doi&g ='s too i,port'&t to
"other her.
This p'rti)!l'r ,or&i&g Christi& )'lled ,e o& the
pho&e '&d she s'id( 8S'&dr'( 're yo! !p>: A&d I s'id( I
=ill "e shortly. I G!st +i&ished ,y ,edit'tio&.: She s'id(
8I &eed to )o,e over.: A&d over she )',e =ith her" te'
o& ' lovely tr'y =ith t=o s=eet little )!ps '&d ' rose.
A&d she told ,e the story o+ ho= she h'd "ee& =ith
0yro&. She h'd &ever ,et '&yo&e li$e her( '&d she
eDpl'i&ed =h't 0yro& did. I s'id th't I h'd G!st 's$ed +or
' he'ler( o&e =ho tr'++i)$ed "et=ee& =orlds.
No=( '&y other he'ler( '&y other perso&( I =o!ld
h've dis,issed( "!t this =o,'&Fs story ='s so
eDtr'ordi&'ry th't I $&e= it ='s ' dire)t '&s=er to ,y
,edit'tio& o&ly '"o!t te& ,i&!tes e'rlier. It ='s so +'st(
'&d s!)h ' dire)t hit o& =h't I h'd 's$ed +or th't I $&e=
I sho!ld eve&t!'lly )o&t')t this perso&.
Christi& s'id( I thi&$ yo! sho!ld )'ll her. SheFs i&
to=&.: I 'lre'dy respe)ted the po=er '&d gre't&ess o+
this =o,'& +ro, Christi&Fs story '&d the e++e)t she h'd
o& Christi&( "!t I did&Ft +eel th't yo! )o!ld G!st )'ll
so,eo&e li$e this o& the pho&e. I +elt yo! h'd to "e '
gre'ter perso& th'& I ='s. 0!t Christi& s'id( 8No( I thi&$
th't yo! sho!ld )'ll her.: A&d "e)'!se it ='s so )lose(
everythi&g ='s so )lose( I )'lled her.
A l'dy '&s=ered the pho&e '&d s'id( 8#ell( =hy
do&Ft yo! t'l$ to 0yro&>: =hi)h 'sto!&ded ,e 'g'i& '&d
it 'sto!&ded ,e th't 0yro& t'l$ed '&d it 'sto!&ded ,e
th't 0yro& s'id( 8;h( =ell =e G!st h've to get the
gro)eries +or the retre't =eFre h'vi&g '&d the& =eFll stop
't yo!r ho!se. Yo! live "y Christi&I =eFll $&o= ho= to
+i&d it.:
99
A CRY IN THE DESERT
0y eleve& oF)lo)$ this =o,'& ='l$ed i&to ,y
ho!se '&d she ='s "e'!ti+!lJ This is the thi&g yo! h've
to re'liHe '"o!t 0yro&( th't she is "e'!ti+!l. Yo! do&Ft
eDpe)t so,eo&e =ho is so +'r o!t to "e so "e'!ti+!l. She
h's =o&der+!l eyes '&d she '))e&ts the,.
She g've ,e this h!ge h!g( =hi)h I )o!ld&Ft
re)eive. I +elt li$e ' dro=&ed p!ppy or o&e th't ='s
dro=&i&g ? '&d I loo$ed li$e o&e. I still h'd the "'&d'ge
'ro!&d ,y 'r, '&d ='s ' &ervo!s =re)$( '&d so I
)o!ld&Ft re)eive the h!g.
The& she "eg'& this *!estio&i&g. She s'id( 8;$'y(
ho&ey.: She s'id( 8;hhhh( Ho&1&eeeey(: '&d g've ,e
'&other h!ge( h!ge h!g. 0yro&Fs h!gs 're gre't h!gs(
'&d yo! re'liHe e')h ti,e yo! get o&e th't yo!Fre getti&g
,ore th'& yo! got the l'st ti,e.
She s't do=& &eDt to ,e i& ,y livi&g roo, '&d she
s'id( 8#h't did yo! thi&$ o+ over there>:
I s'id( 8#ell( I ='s thi&$i&g( i+ yo! 're 's gre't 's
Christi& s'id( ho= )o,e I did&Ft +eel ,ore =he& yo!
h!gged ,e>:
She s'id( 8I +elt th't too. Th'tFs "e)'!se yo! )'&Ft
let !s i&.:
As this So)r'tes type o+ *!estio&i&g =e&t o&( she
s'id( 8So +'r yo! h've&Ft let !s i&. 0!t yo! h'd this
oper'tio& th't is( i& ' se&se( li$e ' hole thro!gh =hi)h
yo!Fll "e '"le to let the love i&.:
I& o&e o+ ,y ,edit'tio&s 't the ti,e I h'd the
l!,pe)to,y( "e+ore the ,'ste)to,y( I he'rd the s',e
thi&g. I he'rd ' voi)e the& th't s'id( 8This is good
"e)'!se there 're 'll these people =ho love yo! '&d yo!
=o&Ft let the, i&.:
0yro& "eg'& de'li&g =ith ,y +e'r o+ de'th. The
"iggest thi&g '"o!t de'th +or ,e ='s &ot th't I =o!ld
die "!t the grie+ th't ,y +',ily =o!ld +eel =he& I did.
133
She s'id( 8;$'y. #h't =o!ld h'ppe& to th't
d'!ghter o+ yo!rs =ho is i& the $it)he& i+ yo! died>:
8#ell( she =o!ld "e very s'd.:
8Yes( '&d the& =h't =o!ld h'ppe&>:
8She =o!ld get over itI she =o!ld h've to. 0!t she
=o!ld get over it.:
The& 0yro& s'id o&)e 'g'i&: 8Tell ,e yo!r
tho!ghtsJ:
8I ', spe&di&g 'll o+ ,y ti,e thi&$i&g '"o!t
=hether to !se 'lter&'tive he'li&g i&ste'd o+
)he,other'py to he'l the )'&)er.: She loo$ed 't ,e
=ith those )ryst'l eyes '&d s'id( 8It is 'lre'dy he'led.:
8Yo! $&o= th't>: I 's$ed.
8I $&o= th't(: she s'id.
8Th'&$ yo! +or &ot 's$i&g ,e =h't ,y g!t +eeli&g
is. I h've &o g!t +eeli&gs. I ', "eyo&d g!t +eeli&gs. I
do&Ft $&o= =h't to thi&$.:
8<ood.:
8<ood>:
8Yes(: she s'id( 8It ,e'&s yo! 're re'dy to "egi&.:
The& she spo$e o+ <odFs per+e)tio&( '&d ,i&e 's
<odFs )re'tio&. I& the 7i&d o+ <od( I still eDist 's
per+e)t. It is =he& I le've th't 7i&d( step 'side +ro, th't
pl')e o+ love '&d pe')e '&d Goy th't si)$&ess o))!rs.
8A&y !&)o,+ort'"le tho!ght is ' $iller o+ the "ody.
#he& yo! ,ove "')$ to th't pl')e o+ pe')e the "ody is
'lre'dy he'led.: This is the se&se o+ =h't she s'id to
,e.
8Yes( "!t ho= do I get "')$ there>: I ='&ted to
$&o=.
She eDpl'i&ed "rie+ly so,e tr'ditio&'l ,e'&s o+
,edit'tio&. I )'lled it "liss. She s'id( 8Yes( ho&ey. Hold
the "liss.:
131
A CRY IN THE DESERT
Th't does&Ft see,( I g!ess( very ,e'&i&g+!l( "!t
G!st her t'$i&g ,e thro!gh th't pro)ess( getti&g ,e to
th't pl')e( helped ,e so ,!)h. The& she 's$ed i+ I h'd
'&y *!estio&s '"o!t her. A&d she eDpl'i&ed 's ,!)h 's
she )o!ld to so,eo&e =ho ='s i& ' highly &ervo!s st'te
'&d =ho )o!ld o&ly '))ept ' s,'ll ',o!&t. She t'l$ed
o+ ho= she tr'++i)$ed "et=ee& =orlds ? she ='s t'l$i&g
'"o!t ' d!)$ they s'= th't ,or&i&g o& their ='l$ '&d
ho= she G!st $i&d o+ dissolved( "le&ded i&to her
s!rro!&di&gs '&d i&to th't d!)$ '&d "')$ 'g'i& '&d 'lso
i&to ,e. A&d she "rie+ly des)ri"ed her li+e history '&d
ho= seve& ye'rs e'rlier she h'd "ee& ' very !&h'ppy
perso&. %ro, th't I "eg'& to see th't her terror '&d her
+e'r )ert'i&ly h'd "ee& 's gre't 's ,y +e'r. She
eDpl'i&ed the "liss '&d ho= she +o!&d it. A&d she s'id(
8No=( do yo! h've '&y *!estio&s>:
8Yes(: I s'id( 8I do&Ft thi&$ th't I )'& do this.:
So =e =or$ed ' =hile =ith th't( '&d she eDpl'i&ed
the tr'ditio&'l 0!ddhist ='y o+ )e&teri&g( "!t I )o!ld
tell th't this ='s&Ft eD')tly the ='y she did it. Si&)e
the&( "y liste&i&g to 0yro&( I h've ' se&se o+ =h't she
does '&d ho= to do it. She s'id( 's she ='s le'vi&g(
8Hold the "liss.: She loo$ed 't ,e '&d she s'id( 8Hold
the "liss.:
I s'id( 8#h't ', I goi&g to do =he& I G!st p'&i) 's
I do siD or seve& ti,es ' d'y>:
She s'id( 8Hold the "lissJ:
Th'tFs =h't I did 'll th't d'y. A+ter ' =hile =he&
yo! 're sitti&g =ith her( she see,s to tr'&s+er th't high
st'te o+ e&ergy to yo!. I )o!ld +eel th't sheFd helped ,e
rel'D ' little. Not th't she +elt I &eeded it( "!t it ='s
e'sier( $i&d o+ li$e ' ,edi)'tio&( e'sier( ' &i)e thi&g( '
"o&!s( +!&( &ot re'lly &e)ess'ry. It ='s&Ft ' h'rd thi&g
+or her to do '&d she did it. All th't d'y I held the "liss(
134
'&d I +elt she ='s thi&$i&g o+ ,e '&d helpi&g ,e '&d
th'tFs ho= I $&e= I )o!ld do it. As she le+t I s'id(
80yro&( ,'y I p'y yo! +or this> Is there '&ythi&g I )'&
give yo!>:
She s'id( 8Yo! )'& rep'y ,e "y doi&g The #or$.
ItFs very i,port'&t th't yo! do this so th't other people
)'& le'r&.:
I $&o= there ='s so,ethi&g else th't she s'id '"o!t
this. She ='s so si&)ere i& the ='y th't she s'id thisI it
='s&Ft ' pio!s thi&gI it ='s G!st li$e it ='s tr!eI I sho!ld
do this. I did&Ft thi&$ it so!&ded str'&ge. The& I s'id(
8C'& I give yo! ' +lo=er>: So ,'&y +lo=ers =ere se&t
to ,e 't the hospit'l. A&d she +elt )o,+ort'"le t'$i&g '
s,'ll S'+e='y v'riety )hrys'&the,!,( '&d she s'id(
8IFll t'$e this "e)'!se it =ill re,i&d ,e o+ yo!.:
She h'd gre't love '&d respe)t +or ,e( '&d it ='s
=o&der+!l +or ,e th't so,eo&e li$e this )o!ld "e ,y
+rie&d. I $&e= IFd "ee& loo$i&g +or this '&d +or her 'll
,y li+e. It ,'de !lti,'te se&se. %ro, the& o& I !sed ,y
'lter&'tive ther'py '&d i& +o!r ,o&ths 'll i&di)'tio&s
=ere th't I h'd &o )'&)er i& ,y "ody. I $ept =or$i&g
=ith 0yro&.
A"o!t t=o or three ,o&ths l'ter I ='s '"le to ,'$e
' retre't =ith 0yro& '&d I le'r&ed The #or$. Doi&g it
=ith her ='s the ,ost po=er+!l thi&g.
IFd st'rted A (ourse In )iracles* 't Christi&Fs
re)o,,e&d'tio& '&d h'd "eg!& doi&g the d'ily lesso&s(
"!t it ='s&Ft !&til the retre't =ith 0yro& th't 1 +elt IFd
re'lly Goi&ed the h!,'& r')e. It ='s the ,ost li"er'ti&g
eDperie&)e. Thi&gs th't )'& so!&d li$e pl'tit!des ?
+orgive&ess( !&)o&ditio&'l love ? =ere ,'de )le'r. I
)o!ld +eel the,I I )o!ld !&derst'&d thi&gs th't h'd&Ft
,'de se&se "e+ore. #he& I tho!ght '"o!t p'ss'ges +ro,
the 0i"le th't IFd he'rd 'll ,y li+e( they =ere give& &e=
13B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
,e'&i&g. 0yro& told !s =e )o!ld )'ll her 't her ho,e
'&y ti,e =e ='&ted( '&d I $&e= th't she ,e'&t it( "!t I
h've &ever do&e th't. I thi&$ I 'l='ys $&e= th't 'll I
re'lly h'd to do ='s )o&)e&tr'te o& her '&d I =o!ld "e
t'ppi&g i&to the So!r)e. Th'tFs =h't IFve 'l='ys do&e.
So =hile it =o!ld "e very &i)e to "e =ith her( '&d I
thi&$ th't there =ill "e ' ti,e( 'g'i&( =he& I =ill "e ?
'&d I )o!ld re'lly !se it "e)'!se I short)!t the pro)ess
o+te&( '&d I thi&$ IF, short1)ir)!iti&g ,ysel+ th't ='y ?
&evertheless IFve h'd so,e re,'r$'"le thi&gs h'ppe&.
;& the l'st d'y o+ the retre't I s'id( 80yro&( 's
yo!Fre spe'$i&g I +eel 'll this gre't '&ger i& ,y )hest '&d
I do&Ft eve& $&o= =h't IF, '&gry '"o!t.:
8Yes.: She s'id. 8Yo! h've to go ho,e '&d ,'$e '
list o+ every"ody yo!Fve ever "ee& '&gry 't.:
I s'id( 8Th'tFll "e ' lo&g listJ 8 I ='s sort o+ +lip.
She s'id( 8Yes( it =ill "e.:
A&d yes( it ='sJ I st'rted thi&$i&g o+ 'll these
people '&d pretty soo& it o))!rred to ,e th't i+ I =ere
l!)$y( so,e o+ these people =o!ld "e de'd. I )o!ld =or$
thro!gh the pro)ess( '&d I =o!ld&Ft h've to do the l'st
step th't 0yro& i&di)'ted. She s'id( 8#he& yo! +i&ish
=or$i&g thro!gh the pro)ess( )'ll the,. Yo! h've to )'ll
the,.: #hile itFs =o&der+!l '&d e'sy to do the other
thi&gs( to )'ll the, is re'lly h'rd.
I h've '& '!&t =ho ='s li$e ' ,other to ,e. I& +')t(
I 'l='ys g've her )'rds o& 7otherFs D'y '&d )'lled her
,y other ,other. IFd =rite th't i& the )'rd. She h'd &o
)hildre& '&d she ='s very good to ,e '&d to ,y sister.
0!t =he& I le+t the )o&ve&t '&d ,'rried ,y h!s"'&d
=ho is '& A+ri)'& A,eri)'&( ,y ,other told this '!&t
the terri"le thi&g I h'd do&e to the +',ily '&d told her
&ot to tell '&y"ody. No=( 's ,y +',ily =or$s( she did
&ot tell '&y"ody '&d so +'r 's she ='s )o&)er&ed I ='s
135
de'd. I thi&$ ,y ,other told the &eigh"ors th't I ='s '
,issio&'ry i& 0r'Hil or so,ethi&g. I ='s de'd.
I se&t ,y '!&t ' p')$'ge +ro, C'li+or&i' +or
Christ,'s '&d she &ever se&t ' th'&$ yo! &ote ? this is
&ot ' +',ily th't is $i&d o+ ditsy '&d does &ot se&d th'&$
yo! &otes. They se&d th'&$ yo! &otesI they $&o=
&!,"ersI they $eep i& to!)h. Everythi&g. I se&t her '
)'rd +or her "irthd'y. It ='s &ever ')$&o=ledged. She
$&e= ,y &!,"erI she $&e= ,y 'ddress. A&d I ='s G!st
ge&er'lly o!t o+ the +',ily ? ,y ,other ='s &ot t'l$i&g
to ,e 't this ti,e either. 7y +'ther ='s&Ft t'l$i&g to ,e.
Eve& tho!gh I +or +org've ,y ,other "e)'!se ,y
,other lives here i& C'li+or&i' '&d IF, )lose to her '&d
='&ted her gr'&d)hildre& to $&o= her( I &ever +org've
,y '!&t.
A+ter ,'&y ye'rs o+ &ot )o,,!&i)'ti&g =ith ,y
'!&t( I )'lled her o&e d'y( o& i,p!lse( '&d =e h'd '
ple's'&t eD)h'&ge. A+ter th't( +ro, ti,e to ti,e( I )'lled
her( "!t she &ever too$ the i&iti'tive to )'ll ,e. ;& o&e
o))'sio& I ='s o& the pho&e =ith her h!s"'&d( ,y
!&)le. #he& ,y !&)le 's$ed ,e ho= ,y h!s"'&d ='s( I
s'id( 8;h( =o!ld yo! li$e to t'l$ to hi,( heFs right hereJ:
7y h!s"'&d too$ the pho&e( "!t ,y !&)le h'd h!&g !p.
A&d ,y h!s"'&d s'id( 8He h!&g !p o& ,e.:
I +o!&d it very h'rd to +orgive this =o,'& !&til I
=e&t thro!gh =h't 0yro& )'lls The #or$. I& The #or$
0yro& 's$s yo! to "e three ye'rs old. No= ,y r'tio&'l
,i&d $&o=s I h've +orgive&( th't this is ' silly thi&g '&d
re'lly ,y '!&t is ' silly =o,'& '&d I h've +orgive& herI
,y r'tio&'l ,i&d $&o=s I h've( "!t +or 0yro&Fs s'$e IF,
goi&g to go thro!gh this pro)ess.
I tried to get "')$ to ,y re'l +eeli&gs o+ '&ger ?
those I +elt 't the ti,e. It ='s h'rd "e)'!se I ='s '
r'tio&'l perso& '&d $&e= th't I h'd )le'red this. So I
13A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
pr'yed( ')t!'lly pr'yed +or the gr')e to get i& th't st'te
'g'i& '&d s!re e&o!gh( '+ter t=o or three d'ys o+
thi&$i&g o+ this( 'll o+ ' s!dde& it )',e( '&d I +elt every
"it o+ the '&ger th't I h'd i&iti'lly +elt '&d th't I +elt
d!ri&g 'll the ye'rs "e+ore I t!)$ed it '='y. #ith th't I
='s '"le to =or$ thro!gh the pro)ess. #he& I got to the
e&d( I $&e= I h'd to ,'$e th't )'ll '&d it ='s &ot e'sy. I
"re'thed he'vily '&d ,edit'ted '&d ,edit'ted. %i&'lly I
G!st di'led her &!,"er '&d h'd the ,ost ,'rvelo!s t'l$
=ith this =o,'&.
;&)e( ' +e= ye'rs 'go( ,y ,o, h'd s'id( 8Yo!
$&o=( yo! h've do&e so ,'&y thi&gs so =ell i& yo!r
li+e. Yo!Fre G!st li$e yo!r '!&t.: A&d IFd s'id( 8I do&Ft
='&t to "e li$e her 't 'llJ: Th't )o&vers'tio& =ith ,y
,o, got ,e to thi&$i&g '"o!t the ,'&y thi&gs I i&iti'lly
'd,ired '"o!t ,y '!&t. SheFs eighty1seve& ye'rs old '&d
G!st this ye'r h's de)ided &ot to h've ' +!ll g'rde&. SheFs
still =or$i&g 'ro!&d the ho!se '&d d'&)es 't the
+ire,'&Fs )l!" '&d is G!st ' dy&',o o+ ' perso&.
I ='s ')t!'lly e&Goyi&g this 8+orgive&ess: )'ll. 7y
'!&t t'l$ed '"o!t her "elie+ i& .es!s '&d ho= it gets her
thro!gh '&d her s'd&ess =he& her h!s"'&d died '&d I
='s '"le to sy,p'thiHe. 0!t s!dde&ly( 't the e&d o+ the
)o&vers'tio&( she s'id( 8So ho= is the +',ily>:
So I told her =h't ,y h!s"'&d '&d ,y )hildre&
=ere doi&g.
A&d she s'id( 8;h &o. NoJ Yo! ,e'& ? ;HJ Yo!Fre
&ot )'lli&g +ro, yo!r ,otherFs ? +ro, yo!r ho,e>:
A&d I s'id( 8Yo! thi&$ IF, )'lli&g +ro, ,y
,otherFs> No( IF, &ot. Did yo! ,e'&( ho= 're ,y
,other '&d ,y "rother '&d sister =he& yo! 's$ed '"o!t
,y +',ily>:
136
A&d she s'id( 8#ell( yesJ:
I ='s st!&&ed. Did she still "elieve I h'd &ever
,'rried> Th't I did&Ft h've '& A+ri)'& A,eri)'&
h!s"'&d or t=o ,iDed )hildre&( lovely 's they 're '&d
t'le&ted> This +orgive&ess loo$ed 's i+ it ,ight e&t'il '
little ,ore th'& I h'd "'rg'i&ed +or.
I eDpl'i&ed th't ,y ,other '&d sister '&d "rother
=ere very =ell. A&d 'll o+ their )hildre&( to =ho, she
se&ds "irthd'y )'rds every ye'r( they =ere 'lso very
=ell.
I re'liHed th't i& her ,i&d ,y )hildre& ,ight &ever
eDist. Nor ,y h!s"'&d. She ,ight &ever re)og&iHe ,y
,'rri'ge. Still she =o!ld 'l='ys "e gl'd th't she he'rd
,y voi)e '&d th't =e t'l$ed. It "eg'& to d'=& o& ,e
th't her vie= o+ ,y li+e did&Ft ,'tter. I )o!ld +orgive her
'&d "e h'ppy '&d let it go.
It too$ ,e ' +e= ,i&!tes '+ter I got o++ th't pho&e
to re'liHe this. I ='s s'yi&g( 8#ho'.... I G!st do&Ft $&o=.
This is G!st 's$i&g too ,!)h.: 0!t I ='s +i&'lly '"le to
let it 'll go '&d it ='s&Ft h'rd to do. It ='s the ,ost
=o&der+!l +eeli&g( '&d itFs the ,ost =o&der+!l pro)ess.
I )o&ti&!e to do A (ourse In )iracles*( "!t 's IFve
"eg!& to +eel "etter( 's ,y he'lth h's i,proved( IF,
,ore '&d ,ore distr')ted. I do&Ft ,eet e')h d'y +ro,
the )e&ter( +ro, the "liss. I+ I do&Ft( I re'liHe th't =ell( I
G!st h've to( &o=. It ='s "e)'!se &othi&g ='s =or$i&g
"e+ore th't I ='s '"le to e,"r')e this so he'rtily. A
(ourse In )iracles* s'ys th't the re'so& yo!Fre '&gry
is &ot the re'so& yo! thi&$. I +o!&d o!t the tr!th o+ th't.
#h't I ='s seei&g ='s&Ft re'lly =h't I tho!ght I ='s
seei&g. A&d "e)'!se IFd r!& !p 'g'i&st s!)h ' de'd e&d( I
h'd &o=here else to go. Th'tFs the re'so& I ='s '"le to
+i&d this. 0!t &o= I h've to go "')$ 'g'i& "e)'!se I )'&Ft
13C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
res!,e ,y li+e the ='y it ='s. ItFs G!st &ot possi"le '&y
,ore.
Tod'y( "e+ore I st'rted re,e,"eri&g this( I ='s i& '
p'rti)!l'rly 'git'ted st'te( '&d p'rt o+ it h's to do =ith
vit',i& pills. IFd stopped t'$i&g the, +or ' =hile '&d
they re'lly 'ggr'v'ted ,y liver '&d i& Chi&ese ,edi)i&e
the liver is the se't o+ '&ger. I ='s re'lly '&gry =ith ,y
tee&'ge so& =ho h'd&Ft respo&si"ly do&e thi&gs he
sho!ld h've do&e 'ro!&d the ho!se. I G!st get 'git'ted
=he& I t'$e +oods or ,edi)i&es I )'&Ft toler'te.
At this poi&t IF, )o&vi&)ed th't the liver is the se't
o+ '&ger '&d I h've ' lot o+ )le'ri&g to do yet. I $&o=
there is ' ='y to do it &o=( '&d IF, so gr'te+!l to h've
this pro)ess th't I 'l,ost l'!gh =he& I get '&gry "e)'!se
I $&o= th't IFll go "')$ +!ll +or)e i&to The #or$ '&d I
$&o= the Goy th't =ill "e there +or ,e =he& I do it. ItFs
'& eD)iti&g thi&g.
So i& the ,iddle o+ ,y 'git'tio& '&d depressio&( 't
the deepest poi&t( IF, 'lre'dy "egi&&i&g to +eel the Goy
th't =ill "e there =he& I )o,e o!t o+ it. I $&o= itFs li$e '
tip1o++( li$e =he& it !sed to r'i&( the& IFd $&o= IFd get to
re'd ,y &ovels "e)'!se IFd set 'side th't ti,e. So I $&o=
=he& I get this 'git'ted the& I get to go i&to "liss 'g'i&.
Th'tFs =h't 0yro& does +or ,e.
Thro!gho!t 'll this I see her 's ' very h!,'&
perso& '&d 's ' +rie&d. 7y do)tor 's$ed +or her &',eI
,y o&)ologist 's$ed =h't h'ppe&ed to ,e the d'y '+ter
IFd do&e this retre't =ith 0yro&( '&d 'll I )o!ld s'y ='s(
8#ell( itFs $i&d o+ di++ere&t. At the "otto, o+ everythi&g
is love '&d &o&G!dg,e&t o+ other people.: He G!st
loo$ed 't ,e '&d shoo$ his he'd( "!t he $&e= th't I ='s
di++ere&t '&d heFd &ever see& ,e li$e th't.
#he& I try to eDpl'i& The #or$ to so,eo&e( I
'l='ys +'il. They do&Ft see, to !&derst'&d it( '&d I do&Ft
132
thi&$ I !&derst'&d it very =ell( ,ysel+( "e)'!se I do&Ft
see, to "e '"le to eDpl'i& it. 0!t people h've see& =h't
' di++ere&)e it h's ,'de i& ,e. I G!st h've so ,!)h ,ore
Goy i& li+e. ItFs &ot th't IFve +ig!red o!t =h't IF,
s!pposed to do i& li+e or =h't IF, s!pposed to "e or
=h't IF, s!pposed to !se ,y ,i&d +or.
These =ere 'l='ys "ig *!estio&s +or ,e '&d every
&o= '&d the& IFd =o&der. IFd =o&der =h't I ='s
s!pposed to "e doi&g. ;r IFd get &ervo!s '"o!t ,o&ey.
0!t these thi&gs 're&Ft so "ig '&y,ore. IF, G!st h'ppy to
"e here 't the st'rti&g poi&t =ith this "liss. Thi&gs G!st
+'ll i&to li&e. There 're ' lot o+ thi&gs IFve +orgotte& th't
)o,e to ,e o))'sio&'lly. 0!t I thi&$ th't the ,'i& li&e
is =he& 0yro& le+t ,e '&d s'id( 8Hold the "liss.: A&d I
$&e= =here she h'd "ee&. A&d I $&e= I )o!ld do it.
0yro& is ' So& o+ <od. She is so,eo&e =ho
re'liHes the tr!th o+ .es!sF s'yi&gs. She re'liHes the
o&e&ess o+ 'll )re'tio&( her o&e&ess =ith )re'tio&( her
o&e&ess =ith her "rother ? th't i&sight is so
eDtr'ordi&'ry. A&d o+ )o!rse( Christ h'd it( "!t =he&
yo! +eel it( the +reedo, is i&)redi"le( '&d the
)o&&e)ted&ess ? ohJ I& +')t( I do&Ft $&o= =hy I do&Ft
+eel it everyd'y li$e I did. ThereFs G!st &othi&g li$e it.
I h've re'liHed thro!gh A (ourse In )iracles*
th't yo! )'& sit 'll d'y o& ' ,o!&t'i&( 'll ye'r( t=o
ye'rs "!t )'& 'tt'i& the s',e thi&g "y +orgive&ess o+
yo!r "rother. I& +orgive&ess I h've eDperie&)ed '&
i&st'&t o&e&ess th't I h'd &ever eDperie&)ed "e+ore i&
the ='y IF, eDperie&)i&g it &o=. All the people 'ro!&d
,e $&o= th't so,ethi&gFs di++ere&tI theyFre 'sto!&ded. I
'l='ys s'y( I =ish I )o!ld eDpl'i& itI I =ish I )o!ld "e '
te')her. ItFs h!,"li&g 'lsoI theyFre getti&g it. As IF,
le'r&i&g it( theyFre 'lso getti&g it. IF, &ot telli&g the,
'&ythi&g( "!t theyFre =or$i&g thro!gh their o=& '&ger.
139
A CRY IN THE DESERT
TheyFre ,irrori&g ,e =itho!t ,y eve& $&o=i&g it( '&d
theyFre =or$i&g thro!gh their o=& +e'r o+ de'th 't the
s',e ti,e I ',( '&d their +e'r o+ ill&ess( '&d I do&Ft eve&
$&o= itFs h'ppe&i&g. There is G!st so,ethi&g spre'di&g
o!t +ro, ,e.
Christ s'ys( 8I did it o&)e '&d +or 'll so &o= yo!
do&Ft h've to do it.: ItFs li$e =he& yo! =or$ thro!gh
so,ethi&g +or yo!rsel+ ? so,e '&ger or rese&t,e&t(
so,e +e'r ? it is 'l,ost 's i+ ' perso& )lose to yo!(
so,eo&e yo! i&ter')t =ith( does&Ft &eed to do it.
0e)'!se it is 's tho!gh th't perso& gets it 'll o+ ' s!dde&
G!st "y "ei&g i& )o&t')t =ith yo!. Yo! do&Ft eve& &eed
to t'l$ '"o!t it. This ,'y or ,'y &ot "e i& $eepi&g =ith
Christi'& "elie+( "!t I $&o= ' lot o+ Christi'&s '&d IFve
&ever h'd ' si&gle perso& dr'= "')$ '&d s'y( 8This
so!&ds li$e the =or$ o+ the devil.:
#he& I t'l$ '"o!t 0yro&( &o"ody ever thi&$s th't it
is '&ythi&g "!t good.
113
;EN HEART
S'&dr'Fs story le'ds ,e ,ore deeply i&to ,y o=&
=or$ o& +orgive&ess. I )'ll 0yro& =ith ' list o+ proposed
)h'pter he'di&gs. I +eel ple'sed =ith ,y G!Dt'positio&s
o+ 8there is&Ft ... there is@:
8There is &o "l',eI there is o&ly +orgive&ess.:
8No(: K-'tie s'idL. 8There is &o "l',eI there is &o
+orgive&ess. There is o&ly seei&g the Tr!th( re'lly.:
8No +orgive&ess.:
8No( ho&ey.:
No +orgive&ess> I tho!ght +orgive&ess is =h't sheFs
"ee& t'l$i&g '"o!t. %orgive&ess. At the =or$shop I
+ollo=ed the si,ple i&str!)tio&s o+ The #or$. I let
,ysel+ eDperie&)e ,y '&ger =ith the ,others i& ,y li+e:
,y o=& de'r Aly)e Rose( ,y &ovi)e ,istress( 7other
A&& '&d( "y eDte&sio&( 7other Ch!r)h. I =rote do=& 'll
they did th't i&G!red( 'll I ='&ted the, to do( 'll th't
,others sho!ld do( their respo&si"ility. The& 's per
i&str!)tio&s( I reversed it 'll. I t!r&ed 'll th't 'ro!&d. I
did =h't 0yro& -'tie )'lls "ri&gi&g it 'll "')$ ho,e. 8I
did this th't i&G!red ,e... I ='&t ,e to do these thi&gs
@ this is ,y respo&si"ility.: I str!ggled =ith it. I
='&ted to s'y &o. No( I did&Ft do it. They did it. They
i&G!red ,e. The mothers 're to "l',e. There is &o
"l',e. I'm to "l',e. No( there is &o "l',e. 0')$ '&d
+orth =e&t the voi)es i& ,y he'd. I loo$ed 't 0yro&I she
='s s,ili&g 't ,e. 8Yes( ho&ey(: she ,!r,!red 's
tho!gh she =ere re'di&g ,y ,i&d. 8Yes( ho&ey(: 's
tho!gh she =ere spe'$i&g to so,ethi&g i& ,e ,ore tr!e
th'& ,y ,i&d. I +ollo=ed the p'th o+ her '))ept'&)e o+
,e i&to ,y he'rt.
111
A CRY IN THE DESERT
So,ethi&g i&side t!r&ed !pside do=&. 0yro& )'lls
it ' shi+t. 7y he'd +elt light. I see,ed to see the ,other
"e+ore ,e( '&d she ='s ' )hild( doi&g her level "est =ith
'll the =isdo, 't her dispos'lI ,y he'rt ,oved to='rd
her. 8SheFs G!st ' )hildJ: I s'id. I ='s )ryi&g.
8Yes( d'rli&g( yesJ: 0yro& )roo&ed. 8Yo!Fve got it.
Yo! !&derst'&d. 9oo$( everyo&e. . .: she 'ddressed the
others 't the =or$shop( 8She sees the i&&o)e&)e o+ the
,other. SheFs seei&g this +or 'll o+ !s.:
I tho!ght she ,e'&t +orgive&ess. I tho!ght I +org've
the ,others.
0!t &o= 0yro& tells ,e there is &o +orgive&ess.
7o&ths '+ter the =or$shop( 0yro& s't ')ross +ro,
,e i& the ,or&i&g light th't sl'&ted thro!gh the gl'ss
doors '&d settled li$e ' pool i& her l'p.
8I+ I thi&$ yo! h've =ro&ged ,e(: 0yro& s'id(
8The& IFd "etter t'$e ' loo$ 't th't tho!ght "e)'!se yo!
)'&&ot =ro&g ,e. Yo! )'& =ro&g yo!( "!t yo! )'&Ft
=ro&g ,e.
8erh'ps so,eo&e i&sists th't I give her so,ethi&g
or she =o&Ft "e ,y +rie&d '&y,ore. 9etFs s'y I do th't( I
give it to her( "!t the& I go thro!gh li+e thi&$i&g( FShe
,'&ip!l'ted ,eI she tri)$ed ,e i&to givi&g ' it to herI
she ='s o&ly &i)e to ,e i& order to get =h't she ='&ted.
She =ro&ged ,e.F Th't ,'y 'll "e =ell '&d good( "!t
th't =o&Ft set ,e +ree. The Tr!th sets ,e +ree '&d the
Tr!th is( I g've it to her. I did th't to ,e. I g've +or the
=ro&g re'so&. Nothi&g she )o!ld s'y or do )'& )h'&ge
th't. I g've it to her. I )o!ld h've s'id &o. I )o!ld h've
s'id( FIFll ris$ the +rie&dshipI IFll s'y &o.F #he& I see the
Tr!th o+ th't( it lets her )o,pletely o++ the hoo$. I )'&
see( F;h( I g've it to herI I did th't.F I& the sight o+ ,y
114
deed( her deed +'lls '='y. Her i&&o)e&)e is reve'led to
,e( '&d =e &',e th't revel'tio& o+ i&&o)e&)e
forgieness. She 's$edI I s'id yes. %orgive her +or
=h't>:
#'it ' ,i&!te. 0l',e g!shed !p i&to ,y thro'tI I
)o!ld t'ste it. IFd do&e th'tI lost +rie&ds th't ='y "y lyi&g
i& '& 'tte,pt to $eep the,. S!dde&ly I +elt '&gry =ith
0yro&. I tho!ght she s'id there is &o "l',e. She ='s
"l',i&g ,e ? telli&g ,e I o!ght to "l',e ,ysel+. 7y
,i&d did ' +!&&y t!r&. I loo$ed 't her. She ='s gri&&i&g.
She ='s&Ft "l',i&g '&yo&e. The "l',e ='s i& ,e. I ='s
doi&g it.
I )o!ld&Ft "elieve ho= +'st I t!r&ed her story i& o&to
,ysel+ '&d "e't ,ysel+ !p =ith it. So,eho=(
so,e=here I ')*!ired ' "elie+ th't +or every p'i&( +or
every ill( +or every ,ist'$e( so,eo&e h's to t'$e the
"l',e. I h'd spe&t ,!)h o+ ,y li+e '&d e&or,o!s e&ergy
prote)ti&g ,ysel+ +ro, h'vi&g to "e th't "l',ed o&e.
0!t despite 'll ,y =ell1)o&str!)ted de+e&se( o&e little
story )o!ld "re'$ thro!gh to ,y se)ret "elie+ ? I did itI
IF, the "'d o&eI I )'!sed 'll the p'i&.
Seei&g the i&&o)e&)e o+ the ,others ='s G!st the
+irst step. Ho= )o!ld I see ,y o=& i&&o)e&)e> I $&e= I
)o!ld&Ft( &ot so lo&g 's I held the "elie+ th't so,eo&e
='s to "l',e.
At virt!'lly every o&e o+ 0yro& -'tieFs =or$shops(
so,eo&e tells the story o+ )hildhood '"!se1seD!'l(
physi)'l( e,otio&'l. 0yro& h's her o=& story o+ 8the
,olest: =he& she ='s three ye'rs old. The =o!&ds o+
people '"!sed 's )hildre& )ry o!t +or he'li&g.
A +i+ty1ye'r1old =o,'& tells her story. She ='s so
s,'ll. %o!r( ,'y"e +ive. She stood "y the =i&do=. Her
11B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
D'ddy s'id( 8Co,e here.: Her sto,')h t!r&ed. Her he'd
"!HHed. She did&Ft ='&t to go. D'ddy ='s i& "ed. He
did&Ft h've his )lothes. He ='s "ig. 7o,,y 'l='ys
s'id( 8Do&Ft go o!tside =itho!t yo!r )lothesI it is&Ft
right.: It ='s&Ft right +or D'ddy &ot to h've his )lothes.
0!t he s'id( 8Co,e here.: He ='s her d'ddy.
I& the livi&g roo, o& S!&d'ys her d'ddy held her
o& his l'p '&d re'd the +!&&y p'pers. He s,elled good.
He +elt stro&g. S'+e. She )!ddled do=& i&to his 'r,s '&d
her ,i&d dri+ted =ith the story o+ 9ittle ;rph'& A&&ie.
She loved D'ddy so ,!)h. Ag'i& her d'ddy s'id( 8Co,e
here.: Her sto,')h t!r&ed. She =e&t to hi,.
I =o!ld h've do&e it too. I $&o= th'tFs tr!e 's I
liste& to the =o,'&Fs story. SheFs )ryi&g. -'tieFs
,!r,!ri&g( 8Yes( ,y d'rli&g. Yes( ho&ey( 9et the te'rs
)o,eI te'rs 're good. Yes( s=eethe'rt. Cry.:
So ,'&y o+ !s. I thi&$ o+ =o,e& '&d ,e&( ,'&y o+
the, =ere ,y )lie&ts( ,'&y ,y +rie&ds. I thi&$ o+ the
ye'rs they spe&t i& ther'py "e+ore they so!ght spirit!'l
g!id'&)e hopi&g to "e set +ree. I thi&$ o+ the ye'rs they
spe&t i& spirit!'l pr')ti)e( '&d the p'i& persists. 7y
he'rt ope&s to the,. 7y he'rt ope&s to this =o,'&(
here( i& this ,o,e&t. They 're i& ,eI they 're ,e. No
di++ere&)e.
H'd ,y d'ddy s'id( 8Co,e here(: I =o!ld h've
do&e it too. I +eel ' shi+t. I did it. I 'lso =e&t =he& ,y
he'rt s'id &o. 7'&y ti,es. I =e&t i& sit!'tio&s too
&!,ero!s '&d too v'rio!s to des)ri"e. A, I( the&( to
"l',e +or ,y p'i&> I loo$ 't the =o,'&. I see o&ly
i&&o)e&)e. #h't does her i&&o)e&)e s'y o+ ,e>
8Yo!r +'ther s'id( FCo,e here(F '&d =h't did yo!
do( ho&ey>: 0yro& is spe'$i&g so+tly to the =o,'&.
8I =e&t.:
8Yes. All he s'id ='s( FCo,e here.F A&d yo! =e&t
115
to hi,. Yo! did th't.: SheFs =hisperi&g. The 8Yo! did
th't: is li$e ' )'ress. ItFs '& ho&ori&g. Choi)e is s')red.
It is po=er+!l. It is '& ')t o+ love.
The =o,'& st'res 't 0yro&. To ,e it +eels li$e the
,o,e&t( 't "irth( "e+ore the "'"y )ries. It is the ,o,e&t
G!st "e+ore "re'th. The =o,'&Fs +')e 'ppe'rs to "e
)'rved i& sto&e +or G!st th't ,o,e&t '&d the& rel'Des(
"e)o,es +lesh. Her eyes gro= =ide.
I did th'tJ: she )ries o!t. SheFs rele'sed. .oyo!s.
ThereFs &o "l',e there. No&e 't 'll.
8Yes( ho&ey. Yo!Fve got itJ Yes.: 0yro&Fs voi)e is
light 's 'ir. 8See ho= i&&o)e&t yo! 're. Yo!r +'ther
si,ply s'id( FCo,e here(F '&d yo! G!st =e&t. Yo! si,ply
='&ted 9ove. Yo! did&Ft liste& to the ='r&i&g i& yo!r
he'rt. Ho= )o!ld yo! $&o=> Yo! =ere 9ove '&s=eri&g
the )'ll o+ 9ove =ithi& yo!rsel+.:
9'ter 0yro& 'tte,pted to eDpl'i& this to ,e.
8#he& she )o!ld see th't he G!st s'id( FCo,e hereF '&d
th't it ='s she th't g've hersel+ "eyo&d =h't the voi)e
=ithi& )o,,'&ded( the& she )o!ld see his p'rt ,ore
)le'rly. She )o!ld see her p'rt ,ore )le'rly. +he s'id
yesI th't ='s the lie. He si,ply 's$ed. It does&Ft ,e'& he
=o!ld &ot h've ,'de her )o,e to hi,( "!t she )'&Ft
$&o= th't. She is 9ove '&s=eri&g 9ove i& =h'tever
+or, it too$. S'yi&g yes =he& =e ,e'& &o is ,isg!ided
love. 9ove h's to '&s=er 9ove eve& i+ i&s'&ely. A&d she
'&s=ered 's she did !&til she )o!ld $&o= th't 9ove 'lso
s'ys &o. No is the =ord th't ho&ors the pl')e i& !s th't
+eels the h'r,.:
I thi&$ I get it. 7y gre'test p'i& is sel+1"l',e. The
se)ret th't ,!st "e hidde& so se)!rely is ,y s!spi)io&
eve& ,y )o&vi)tio&( th't h'd I )hose& di++ere&tly I
=o!ld &ever h've "ee& =o!&ded. This is =h't I )'&Ft
'++ord to see. This is =hy I +i&d it so )r!)i'l th't so,e
11A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
other o&e "e "l',ed +or ,y p'i&. The ,ist'$e I ,'$e
th't perpet!'tes ,y p'i& is ,y "elie+ th't o&ly i+ the
other o&e is g!ilty )'& I "e i&&o)e&t. #ith this "elie+( I
spe&d ,y li+e i& p!rs!it o+ proo+ o+ '&other perso&Fs
g!ilt. It does&Ft =or$. All the ye'rs o+ p'i&( 'll the
de+e&ses IFve "!ilt( serve o&ly to $eep ,e i& ,y
s!++eri&g. I ,'de the )hoi)e. I did it. 0!t I ', i&&o)e&t.
I did&Ft $&o= '&other ='y.
0yro& )o&ti&!es to eDpl'i&: 8She '"!sed hersel+ i&
her ,i&d +or +i+ty ye'rs. A+ter the +irst te& ,i&!tes o+ the
'"!se itsel+( I ', the o&e =ho )o&ti&!es ,y h'r,. #he&
she s'= her p'rt( she ='s +ree. The $ey to li+e is to $&o=
Tr!th '&d "e $i&d e&o!gh to live it. The &e= per)eptio&
+o!&d o& the other side o+ the lie( =e )'ll +orgive&ess.
8This is h'rd to !&derst'&d(: I tell her.
8Yes(: she respo&ds. 8A&d this is the gre'test gi+t I
"ri&g. It gives yo! =h't yo!Fve 'l='ys ='&ted ? yo! &o
lo&ger &eed to "e ' vi)ti,. It gives yo! o&e h!&dred
per)e&t po=er '&d )o&trol i& yo!r li+e. Yo! 're o&e
h!&dred per)e&t respo&si"le +or yo!r p'i& '&d yo!r .oy.
Yo! 'l='ys h've "ee& '&d( thro!gh +orgive&ess Kseei&g
the Re'lity o+ =h't h'ppe&edL( yo! 're +ree.:
S!dde&ly I re'liHe th't every ti,e she ,e&tio&s
8respo&si"ility: i& )o&&e)tio& =ith i&G!ry '&d
+orgive&ess( I tr'&sl'te it i&to "l',e. #hoFs i&&o)e&t '&d
=hoFs to "l',e> I ='&t the '"!ser to t'$e the "l',e so I
do&Ft h've to. I thi&$ th't his )o&+essio& =ill +ree ,e. It
=o&Ft. His '))ept'&)e o+ the "l',e I ='&t to pl')e o&
hi, )'& o&ly i&)re'se the "l',e I l'y !po& ,ysel+. 7y
=or$ is( thro!gh '))ept'&)e o+ ,y respo&si"ility +or ,y
o=& li+e( to +i&d ,y i&&o)e&)e. HeFs the o&e =ho &eeds
to +i&d the Tr!th '"o!t his )hoi)es. He &eeds to +ree
hi,sel+. ItFs =h't I do to ,e th't ,'tters i& ,y li+e.
116
Respo&si"ility re'lly is ,y respo&se i& Tr!th. To
ret!r& respo&si"ility to the vi)ti, is to restore th't o&eFs
po=er. Respo&si"ility h's &othi&g to do =ith "l',e.
Tr!th h's l'yers. I h'd&Ft re')hed the )ore( &ot yet.
So,e =ee$s '+ter the =or$shop( I ='s )'lled to G!ry
d!ty. I got there e'rly( +o!&d the 'sse,"ly roo,( '&d s't
re'di&g ' "oo$. The pl')e +illed !p. A ,'& &eDt to ,e
gri&&ed '&d s'id this ='s eDtr'ordi&'ry( this ,'&y
people +or o&e tri'l( it ,!st "e "ig. It ='s. T=o ,e& h'd
"ee& +o!&d shot de'd i& the de+e&d'&tFs ho,e( s'id the
G!dge. She re'd o++ the &',es o+ the de'd( the &',e o+
the '))!sed. She s'id i+ =e $&e= these people =e =o!ld
"e eD)!sed. 7y sto,')h t!r&ed. A)id sp!rted i&to ,y
thro'tI I s='llo=ed it.
I )'&Ft spe&d siD =ee$s o+ ,y li+e +')e to +')e =ith
,!rder( I "egged so,e i&visi"le 'r"iter. I do&Ft ='&t to
G!dgeI I do&Ft ='&t to de)ide( "'sed !po& =h'tever
evide&)e they give( =hether this ,'&( or '&yo&e( is
i&&o)e&t or g!ilty. 7!rder. I )'&Ft +')e it. I =o&Ft. I
,ight h've to.
A l'rge poli)e,'& distri"!ted t=e&ty1p'ge
*!estio&&'ires to the prospe)tive .!rors. So,e o+ !s
=o!ld "e eli,i&'ted o& the "'sis o+ o!r '&s=ers. I too$
o!t ,y pe&. I t')$led the *!estio&s: 8#hy is there
)ri,e> H've yo! ever "ee& the vi)ti, o+ ' )ri,e> #h't
h'ppe&ed> Do yo! h've ' g!&> C'& yo! '"ide $illi&g
so,eo&e i& sel+1de+e&se> Do yo! thi&$ there is ' r')i'l
pro"le, i& the 6&ited St'tes> #h't )'!ses it> #h't is
yo!r 'ttit!de to='rd the )ri,i&'l G!sti)e syste,> 7'$e '
list o+ 'll the pl')es yo! h've lived '&d 'll the Go"s
yo!Fve held@: I =rote( +or t=o ho!rs( h'&ded it i& 's I
11C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
=o!ld ' )ollege eD',( '&d =e&t ho,e. I )o!ld&Ft e't
s!pper.
7!rder. I )o!ld&Ft +')e it. I re+!sed. I +elt terri+ied
o+ it( o+ the ,!rderer. #he& I ='s le+t 'lo&e '+ter the
de'th o+ ,y +irst h!s"'&d( I p!t "olts o& 'll ,y
=i&do=s. Yo! )'&Ft tr!st ' ,!rderer. A&d they )'& "e
sly. Yo! &ever $&o=. I did&Ft ='&t to see hi,( the
,!rderer( o& tri'l here. I did&Ft ='&t to loo$ hi, i& the
+')e. I did&Ft ='&t to s'y( 8I $&o= =ho yo! 're. I "elieve
yo! $illed those t=o ,e&.:
0y the& I h'd =or$ed e&o!gh =ith 0yro& to re'liHe
,y re')tio&s to the ,!rderer ,e'&t I ='s resisti&g
Tr!th. I ='s de+e&di&g ,ysel+ 'g'i&st '&other lie(
'&other +or, o+ sel+1"l',e. #rite it o!t( I told ,ysel+(
t!r& it 'll 'ro!&d.
I )'&Ft +')e ,e( the ,!rder i& ,e. AhJ The ,!rder(
the ,!rderer i& ,e. A, I ' ,!rderer> I tho!ght o+
dre',s I !sed to h've. I h'd ,!rdered so,eo&e( st!++ed
her "ehi&d ' +!r&')e( hid her i& '& !pper roo,( )!t her
!p '&d sto=ed her !&der the =or$"e&)h i& the g'r'ge. I
=or$ed o& those dre',s. It ='s ,ysel+. It ='s the
Christi& o+ ,y he'rtEs desire. I h'd do&e it o+te& ? $illed
,y i&&o)e&)e( ,!rdered ,y esse&ti'l sel+. I do&Ft h've
to do th't '&y,ore.
The )o!rt )'se ='s ' te')her +or ,eI the ,!rder er(
' ,irror.
I s'= the Tr!th. A&d I s'= th't I ='s i&&o)e&t( G!st
tryi&g to love( G!st tryi&g to p!t ,ysel+ 'side i& order to
8"e good '&d do the right thi&g.: I ='s G!st tryi&g to
love( "!t ,y love ='s ,isg!ided '&d it h!rt ,e(
,!rdered so,ethi&g o+ ,e. The ,!rderer is &o str'&ger
to ,eI I am th't o&e.
They )'lled ,e the &eDt d'y +ro, the s!perior
)o!rt. It ='s&Ft &e)ess'ry +or ,e to )o,e "')$. They h'd
112
their G!ry. A&d I h'd re)og&iHed the Tr!th.
%i&'lly( the *!estio& 0yro& s!ggests th't I p!t to
,ysel+ )o,es do=& to this: Ho= =ide =ill I eDte&d ,y
he'rt> #ho ', I =illi&g to love> To =h't eDtre,es ', I
=illi&g to go to re)og&iHe th't 'll o+ !s 're 9oveI th't
there is ;&e> I sit i& the "ig gold )h'ir =here I =rite ,y
"oo$s. ;!tside the le'ves sh!dder i& the =i&d. I )lose
,y eyes. I i&vite the people i&.
The '"!sed )hild: I i&vite her i&. I re)og&iHe herI
she is ,ysel+. The '"!ser: I loo$ deep 's I )'& i&to the
'"!serFs eyes. I i&vite the '"!ser i&I it is ,ysel+. Deep i&
the '"!serFs eyes I see the ;&e( '"!sed. They 're the
s',e. I ope& =ider. The h!&gry( the ho,eless( the
!&G!stly i,priso&ed( the ,e&t'lly ill( the 'ddi)t( the
st'rvi&g )hild '&d the ,other =ho holds the st'rvi&g
)hild( vi)ti,s o+ ='r( 'll the =eepi&g( )ryi&g h!,'&ityI
they 're ,ysel+. #e 're ;&e. #ider yet. I see the,
)o,i&g i& the dist'&)e. Ho= )'& I eD)l!de the,> The
li'r( the ,!rderer( the tyr'&t( the )roo$: the ;&e ,'de
,o&stro!s to ,y eyes "y +e'r ? "y ,y resist'&)e to o!r
p'i&. They 're 'll ,ysel+. I ', =ho they 're. #e 're
;&e.
They )ry o!t i& ,e. They 're ,ysel+ )ryi&g. It is
the h!,'& )ry +or 9ove( +or re)og&itio& o+ the 9ove th't
=e 're. It is o!r h!,'& strivi&g ? o+te& ,isg!ided '&d
+e'r+!l ? to $&o= Tr!th. It is the )ry 0yro& -'tie s'ys
she is. It is the )ry i& the desert o+ this =orld +or <od.
I +old ,ysel+ 'ro!&d the =orld. The =orld )ir)les
"')$( e&+oldi&g ,e. ;&e sphere. ;&e 9ove. This is the
9ove =e )'ll Co,p'ssio&.
#e pl'y li$e )hildre&. #e )re'te +or,s( dr','s(
'&d =e le'r&. #e hold !p ,irrors to o&e '&other. #h't
=e )'ll +orgive&ess is si,ply seei&g )le'rly.
119
A CRY IN THE DESERT
I go "')$ to ,y Christi'& origi&s. 8%orgive the,(:
.es!s s'id( 8They do&Ft $&o= =h't theyFre doi&g.: A&d
=he& he t'!ght !s to pr'y( he s'id( 8%orgive !s o!r
tresp'sses 's =e +orgive those =ho tresp'ss 'g'i&st !s.:
The +orgive&ess th't 0yro& tells !s does &ot eDist is
the o&e th't i,plies g!ilt( de"t '&d G!dg,e&t. The
+orgive&ess o+ .es!s is di++ere&t. I loo$ !p the Ar','i).
IF, &ot ' l'&g!'ge s)hol'r so I &eed to )o&s!lt so,eo&e
=ho is. It t!r&s o!t th't .es!sF &otio& o+ +orgive&ess
so!&ds li$e 0yro&Fs.
He ,e'&s letti&g go =ith every "re'th o+ ' sh'do=
th'tFs settled over =h't =e tr!ly 're. He ,e'&s
sep'r'ti&g o!t the t'&gles =e ,'$e o+ li+eFs thre'ds. He
tells !s =e 're )le'r( p!re( =itho!t "!rde& '&d th't the
t's$ o+ o!r lives is to rele'se '&y lie th't )lo!ds this
Tr!th. It ='s 's .es!s died th't he ,'de roo, i& his
he'rt +or those =ho eDe)!ted hi,. 8%'ther( +orgive
the,(: he )ried. This ='s his )o,p'ssio&.
8ED)ept +or yo!r l',e&t o+ the p'st '&d yo!r
proGe)tio& o+ th't 's +!t!re ? eve& i&to spe)i+i) ,o,e&ts
o&ly ? there is &o evilI there is &o h!rt( &o p'i&( &o
s!++eri&g(: 0yro& eDpl'i&s.
8D!ri&g =or$shops( I 's$ people to )lose their eyes
'&d )o&te,pl'te: #o!ld yo! r'ther "e ' tyr'&t( $i)$i&g
' little )hild( or =o!ld yo! r'ther "e the little )hild =ho
='s $i)$ed> eople re+le)t deeply. A&d they report to
,e th't they =o!ld r'ther "e the little )hild =ho ='s
$i)$ed.
8This is the shi+t(: 0yro& -'tie s'ys( 8#he&
so,ethi&g is see& i& Tr!th( old "elie+ +'lls '='y. #e 're
the tyr'&t =e +e'r. #he& =e )'& see this( i&&o)e&)e is
reve'led( the he'rt ope&s( lies 're reve'led( G!dg,e&t
+'lls '='yI =e 're +ree. The eDperie&)e o+ th't is =h't
=e )'ll +orgive&ess.:
143
%i&'lly I see th't the tyr'&t residi&g i& ,y o=&
,i&d is the tyr'&t I per)eive o!tside o+ ,e. They 're
+orgive& si,!lt'&eo!sly or &ot 't 'll. I )'&&ot "e +ree
!&til I $&o= there 're &o ,o&stersI there 're &o vi)ti,s
This is &ot to s'y th't i+ I tort!re( ,!rder( or
)o,,it '&y other 'tro)ity( I sho!ld &ot "e held
'))o!&t'"le. This is &ot to ,i&i,iHe the horri+i) e++e)ts
o+ =h't =e eDperie&)e 's evil or 's si&. 0!t it is to p!t
Si& i& its proper pl')e: 's ' "etr'y'l o+ ,y &'t!re ? o+
the &'t!re o+ 'll( o+ the ;&e ? =hi)h is 9ove. A&d the
re+!s'l to see this 9ove( to see the +!&d',e&t'l
i&&o)e&)e o+ 'll "ei&g( is the gre'test "etr'y'l o+ 'll.
0yro&Fs ='y is &ot the ='y o+ the =orld. I& the
=orld =e )o&+ro&t the '"!ser. #e p!&ish. #e eD')t
p'y,e&t +or o!r p'i&. #e lo)$ the "'st'rd !p. #e
eDe)!te hi,. #e drive hi, o!t li$e ' s)'pego't i&to the
desert o+ o!r )o,,o& h!,'& ,i&d '&d le've hi, there
)overed =ith 'll o!r si&s( i&+!sed =ith esse&)e o+ p'i&.
#e p!t ' )!rse o& hi,. #e ,'$e hi, $&eel '&d 's$
+orgive&ess. #e =o&der i+ he )'& "e "elieved. The&(
=he& 'll o+ this is do&e '&d =e thi&$ =e 're +ree o+ hi,(
=e lie do=& 't &ight '&d i& the ,or&i&g =he& =e ='$e(
o!r pillo= is =et =ith te'rs.
I ='t)h the televisio& &e=s. I see th't so,ethi&g i&
this so)iety thrives o& vi)ti,iH'tio&. It is '& i&d!stry ?
"ig "!si&ess. It te')hes th't =eFve "ee& po=erless '&d
h'r,ed. It te')hes th't so,eo&e ,!st "e "l',ed. It
sep'r'tes the good g!ys +ro, the "'d. 0!t &o o&e I $&o=
=ho +o)!ses o& sel+ 's ' vi)ti, h's ever "ee& +reed +ro,
the s!++eri&g th't +o)!s "ri&gs. It rei&+or)es sep'r'tio&.
%o)!s o& ,ysel+ 's vi)ti, )o&ti&!es the lie o+ ,y
!&=orthi&ess.
No o&e else )'& prove to ,e th't I ', =orthy o+
9ove. Not ,y e&d!r'&)e( &ot ,y )o&ti&!ed '"!se( &ot
141
A CRY IN THE DESERT
,y deter,i&'tio& to p!&ish ,y '"!ser )'& "!y Tr!th +or
,e. Tr!th )'&&ot "e +or)ed +ro, so,eo&e else( &ot eve&
+ro, <od. The o&ly '&s=er to ,y p'i& is to give !p the
lie I tell ,ysel+( the lie th't s'ys I ', &ot =orth 9ove.
I +eel "!tter+lies i& the pit o+ ,y sto,')h. This
,ess'ge '"o!t &o "l',e( '"o!t +orgive&ess( '"o!t
i&&o)e&)e '&d )o,p'ssio& )o!ld "ri&g reGe)tio& o+ the
"oo$. 7'y"e I sho!ld le've it o!t. 0!t it delights ,e
too. I do&Ft ='&t to le've it o!t. I do&Ft ='&t to "e
reGe)ted( either. 0!t I thi&$ itFs tr!e. IF, )o&+!sed. Ti,e
to do The #or$ 'g'i&.
I go to ,y h!s"'&d( .oh&. He s,iles 't ,e.
8Yo! see, to &eed to t'$e 'll th't 0yro& s'ys i&to
yo!rsel+( yo! &eed to re)o&)ile it =ith 'll the "elie+s o+
yo!r p'st. A&d +')e it: #h't 0yro& is s'yi&g h's '
&e=&ess to it. ItFs li$e ' &e= religio&( ' &e= psy)hology(
eve& ' &e= ,edi)i&e. I +i&d it i&teresti&g. I eve& 'gree
=ith ' lot o+ it. I thi&$ it ,ight "e the ='ve o+ the +!t!re.
0!t I do&Ft +eel li$e I &eed to t'$e it i&to ,ysel+ '&d "e
)h'&ged "y it.:
I &od. #hy )'&Ft I "e ,ore o"Ge)tive '"o!t thi&gs> I
$&o= =hy. Everythi&gFs ' ,irror.
8So( Christi&( yo!r +rie&d 0yro& s'ys 'll these
thi&gs '&d over '&d over she to!)hes o& ' "elie+ yo!Fve
held th'tFs di++ere&t. Yo! t=ist '&d t!r& '&d =o&der ho=
it +its or eve& i+ it +its. 7'y"e th'tFs =h't =riters &eed to
do. I do&Ft $&o=.:
IF, &ot s!re either. .oh& '&d I t'l$ '"o!t =riti&g.
A"o!t eDpos!re.
8!t it o!t there( ho&. Th'tFs =h't "oo$s 're +or.
Yo! )'&Ft $&o= =h't people =ill '))ept or reGe)t. They
de)ide.:
;+ )o!rse.
The reGe)tio& o+ the "oo$> ItFs ,i&e. I see th't I
144
h've "ee& "l',i&g others i& 'dv'&)e +or reGe)tio&s o+
this "oo$ =he&( 'll 'lo&g( I ', the o&e =ho does &ot
'))ept the,J I( =ho =rote the "oo$( ', the o&e.
The& S'&dr' )'lls. 8I h've to tell yo! so,ethi&g(
so,ethi&g re'lly "ig( th't h'ppe&ed to ,e. I +o!&d o!t
th't IF, ' tyr'&tJ:
8#h't>: S=eet S'&dr'> A tyr'&t>
89et ,e tell yo!. I =e&t o& ' &'t!re ='l$ this
=ee$e&d '&d got to t'l$i&g =ith ' re'lly &i)e ,'&( very
+rie&dly( ' re'l Re&'iss'&)e perso&. As the )o&vers'tio&
progressed( he told ,e th't he '&d his =i+e "oth h'd
7'sters degrees i& physi)s. #ell( I re,e,"ered '&other
perso& I $&o= =ho is 'lso ' physi)ist '&d is $i&d o+
i&troverted. So I s'id th't people =ho go i&to physi)s
te&d to "e shy( =ithdr'=&( her,it types.
8#ell( this ,'& ='s t'$e& '"')$ '&d s'id &o( he
did&Ft thi&$ so '&d th't I sho!ld&Ft dr'= )o&)l!sio&s
"'sed o& o&e or t=o people. 0!t I i&sisted. I G!st p!shed
the poi&t '&d p!shed it. I do&Ft $&o= =h't +i&'lly
stopped ,e. S!dde&ly( I g!ess( I )o!ld he'r ,ysel+.
S!)h ' "it)hJ I )o!ld&Ft "elieve it. #hy ='s I doi&g this>
Nothi&g is right =he& '&other perso& is h!rt. I
i,,edi'tely 'pologiHed '&d s'id I ='&ted to t'$e it 'll
"')$( '&d I ='s ='y o++ "'se here( '&d( o+ )o!rse( I
)o!ld&Ft $&o= this '"o!t physi)ists.
8I,,edi'tely( this ,'& s,iled 't ,e '&d s'id( FI
+orgive yo!.F .!st li$e th'tJ Ho= did he do th't>
8FYo! +orgive ,e>F I s'id. I )o!ld&Ft "elieve it. It
='s so e'sy +or hi,. A&d he told ,e I ='s so )h'r,i&g
th't it ='s &o tro!"le 't 'll to +orgive ,e. I+ it h'd "ee&
'&yo&e else( he =o!ld&Ft h've "ee& '"le to +orgive the,
? everJ 0!t he h'd &o di++i)!lty +orgivi&g ,e. Eve&
=hile I ='s )o&ti&!i&g to 'go&iHe over ,y o++e&se( I
e&vied hi, his '"ility to +orgive "e)'!se I )o!ld &ot
14B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
+orgive ,ysel+.
8#ell( Christi&( I =e&t ho,e( '&d this eDperie&)e
=o!ld&Ft le've ,y ,i&d. It 'ppe'red th't it ='s so e'sy
+or hi,. Ho= did he do th't> 0!t "esides th't( I ='s
)o,pletely e,"'rr'ssed. I ,e'&( I ='s s!)h ' "it)hJ I
)o!ld&Ft '))ept "ei&g th't ='y. I did The #or$( '&d I s't
o& ,y "ed( '&d I still )o!ld&Ft get it. I $&e= th't =h't
='s h'ppe&i&g to ,e ='s serio!s. I ='s ,orti+ied. A&d
yo! )'& t'$e th't liter'lly. I $&e= this to "e ' $iller o+
the "ody.
8The& it ='s 's tho!gh I s'= 0yro& -'tie i& ,y
,i&d. She stood( holdi&g her +i&ger )e&tered 't her sol'r
pleD!s( the )h'$r' o+ po=er '&d )o&trol. 0y th't gest!re
she held ,e( +o)!sed ,e. I =o!ld h've do&e '&ythi&g to
=riggle o!t o+ this( "!t I si,ply )o!ld &ot.
8F#o!ld yo! de&y hi, this ,o,e&t>F she 's$ed ,e.
8It is his best to d'te ? the ,o,e&t to =hi)h 'll his
st!dies h've led.F
8I loo$ed( i& ,y ,i&d( +ro, -'tie to the physi)ist
'&d I )o!ld&Ft get '='y. Eve& i& ,y desp'ir( I =o!ld &ot
de&y hi,. I& Tr!th( I )o!ld &ot.
8I =i&)ed over the e&or,ity o+ ,y tr'&sgressio&( "!t
't the s',e ti,e( I ='s i& =o&der over ho= ,!)h
gre'ter =o!ld "e his Goy i& +orgive&ess i+ I =ere &ot
)h'r,i&g ? i+( i&ste'd( I =ere '& '"sol!te tyr'&t.
8Eve& the&( I )o!ld &ot +orgive ,ysel+. So I )'lled
0yro& "e)'!se( 'ltho!gh I )o!ld eDperie&)e +orgive&ess
i& ,y higher Sel+( =he&ever I ret!r&ed to ,y everyd'y
sel+ '&d )'!ght ' gli,pse o+ the "it)h( o+ the tyr'&t th't I
',( I ='s &'!se'ted( +illed =ith lo'thi&g. 7y tho!ght
,'de ,e physi)'lly si)$. This is de'th.
8It is yo!r i&terpret'tio& o+ the "it)h th't +ills yo!
=ith lo'thi&g(: 0yro& s'id =he& I told her this.
145
8Yo! 're the o&e &ot +orgivi&g yo!. #he& he s'ys
he +orgives yo!( yo! )'&Ft "!y it "e)'!se the p'rt o+ yo!
th't does&Ft +orgive the "it)h does&Ft "!y it. Thro!gh his
eyes( see yo!rsel+. Yo! )'ll hi, li'r> He dies i& yo!r
sight 's ' res!lt o+ the error i& yo!r per)eptio& ? th't
yo!( the "it)h( 're &ot o$'y. There is o&ly o&e thi&g th't
is &ot o$'y =ith the "it)h: She G!st )'&Ft see her "e'!ty
yet.
8FSee yo!rsel+ thro!gh his eyes. 9et the physi)ist
t'$e yo! to Re'lity( Tr!th( the 0e'!ty th't yo! 're. 9ove
her. See her 's ' little girl =ho si,ply does&Ft $&o= ho=
to thi&$ i& ter,s o+ 9ove yet. She is the little o&e =ho
thi&$s i& the lie "e)'!se she does&Ft $&o= ho= &ot to
yet. See her i&&o)e&)e. 9ove th't. She )'&Ft $&o=I )'&
yo!> 7other her. S)hool her. Tr!th her i& the ,ost
ge&tle ='y. This is the ,edi)i&e +or every "it)h.:
8Ho= )o,e I do&Ft +eel i&&o)e&t>: I 's$ed her.
8FThe little o&e =o!ld &ot "e ' "it)h i+ she =ere &ot
i& s!)h terror o+ her !&tr!e tho!ghts. The e++e)t o+
ho&est thi&$i&g is the opposite o+ "it)h. It is '&gel. Its
&',e is yo!.
8FYo! h've&Ft +orgive& yo!rsel+ so yo! 'ss!,e th't
he h's&Ft +orgive& yo!. A&d he does&Ft h've +!ll
'='re&ess either( 's lo&g 's he )o!ld&Ft +orgive o&e
other perso&. Yo! )'&Ft "e +orgive& 'll the ='y( thro!gh
hi,( "e)'!se =e 're 'll ;&e erso&. He is pl'yi&gI he
does&Ft $&o=. He +orgives. The "it)h is pl'yi&g. She is
i&&o)e&t. She does&Ft $&o=. It is the s',e =ith the
tyr'&t. All is Yo!. As lo&g 's =e see o&e +'!lt(
'&y=here( the =hole story o+ +orgive&ess( =ithi& !s( is
&ot )o,plete. The per)eptio& o+ e')h '&d every eDter&'l
sy,"ol is here to )o,plete the ,issio& o+ +orgive&ess.:
87y he'rt did ' le'p =he& -'tie s'id these
14A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
thi&gs to ,e. I )o!ld see ho= ' tyr'&t is i&&o)e&t. I
)o!ld see the i&&o)e&)e o+ 'll the tyr'&ts( i&)l!di&g
,ysel+. I )o!ld +orgive the "it)h.
80!t I h'd ' +!rther step to t'$e. This ,or&i&g the
+o)!s1i&1Tr!th ope&ed i&to 9ove. I love th't "it)h( I love
her so ,!)h. I ', so gr'te+!l to th't "it)h. I h've "ee&
'+r'id o+ her 'll o+ ,y li+e. I h've "ee& '+r'id to do
'&ythi&g "e)'!se I +e'red she =o!ld )o,e o!t. IFve
$&o=& she ='s there( '&d I ='s '+r'id she =o!ld )o,e
o!t. I &ever $&e= ho= to )o&trol her. No= I ', '"le to
see the i&s'&ity o+ ,y 'tt')$Ki&gL ='ys. I love th't "it)h.
I G!st love her. I love the ,or&i&g. I love every d'y.
8I did&Ft thi&$ li+e )o!ld "e '&y "etter( "!t &o= I
)'& get ,y li+e together. It does&Ft get '&y "etter th'&
this. I love -'tie +or givi&g ,e this. I )'& go o& =ith ,y
li+e.:
7y Christi'& "')$gro!&d provides ,e =ith '&
i,'ge o+ the Christ. S'&dr'( li$e .es!s( died( &ot i& '
"!rst o+ heroi)s( "!t "y 8t'$i&g o& the si& o+ the =orld.:
She "e)',e 8si&(: "e)',e 8the "it)h: +or th't ,'&( so
"oth he '&d she )o!ld $&o= +orgive&ess. S'&dr' rises(
o&e =ith the ,'& =ho s'id he +org've her. She rises i&
sel+1+orgive&ess ? the re)og&itio& o+ her i&&o)e&)e.
7y ,i&d prese&ts ,e =ith ' pr'yer IFve he'rd 'll
,y li+e( e')h ye'r d!ri&g the E'ster /igil. 8;h( tr!ly
&e)ess'ry si& o+ Ad',(: the de')o& si&gs 8=hi)h ='s
"lotted o!t "y the de'th o+ Christ. ;h h'ppy +'!lt( th't
,erited so gre't ' Redee,er.: I,,edi'tely '+ter='rds I
"e'r the =ords o+ St. '!l( 8#h't sh'll =e s'y the&>
Sh'll =e )o&ti&!e i& si&( th't gr')e ,'y '"o!&d> <od
+or"id. Ho= sh'll =e( th't 're de'd to si&( live '&y
lo&ger therei&> ... si& sh'll &ot h've do,i&io& over yo!I
+or yo! 're &ot !&der l'= "!t !&der gr')e.: KRo,'&s
6:114( 15L.
146
S7y !&derst'&di&g deepe&s. 0!t I ', &ot +i&ished yet.
#he& it )o,es to i&&o)e&)e '&d +orgive&ess( I still h've
,!)h to le'r&.
So I do The #or$. ;ver '&d over I &eed to t'$e
the, i&to ,y he'rt ? the o&es I +e'r( the o&es I "l',e.
;ver '&d over I loo$ i&to their eyes '&d +i&d ' ,irror.
#e h!,'&s 're &ot +i&ished. The pl'y is &ot over. #e
)o&te,pl'te 'll the ,'&i+est'tio&s o+ the ;&e 9ove. It is
' pl'y o+ sh'do=s over Tr!th. It is i&&o)e&t. It is '
le'di&g go li$e "re'th. It is li+e o& e'rth.
14C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
14C
#HAT #;NDER%69 THIN<
#I99 HAEN NERT
%ro, the ti,e o+ ,y +irst ,eeti&g =ith 0yro& -'tie
I h'd he'rd people t'l$ '"o!t S',. They s'id he ='s '
"!si&ess,'&( lo'ded =ith ,o&ey. They s'id she s'ved
his li+e. They s'id th't i& his gr'tit!de( he h'd set !p '&
i&stit!te th't p'id +or 'll sorts o+ thi&gs li$e t'pes '&d
p!"lishi&g. 0yro& s'ys( si,ply( 8S', is =o&der+!l.:
8S', '&d I =ere i& the desert(: she tells ,e( 8A&d
he h'd ' stro$e or so,ethi&g. I do&Ft $&o= =h't it ='s.
0!t he over)',e his +e'r o+ de'th.:
%or so,e re'so& I ='it !&til the e&d to i&tervie=
S',. I try &ot to 's$ =hy '&y,ore. Despite ,y "est
pl'&&i&g( eve&ts +'ll i&to their proper pl')e. S', is
ho,e. He s'ys heFs delighted to t'l$ =ith ,e '"o!t the
o&e he )'lls -'tie.
8I ,et -'tie 't ' he'lth i&stit!te i& 9e,o& <rove.
The ti,e ='s short ? ' )o!ple o+ d'ys. #e did&Ft get to
spe&d ' lot o+ ti,e together( "!t I s'= i&st'&tly th't
there ='s so,ethi&g '"o!t her... I did&Et $&o= =h't it
='s( G!st th't it ='s so,ethi&g I &eeded to !&derst'&d
"etter.:
S', h'd +ollo=ed ' spirit!'l p'th +or ,'&y ye'rs.
He h'd le'r&ed +ro, ,'&y spirit!'l te')hers '&d h'd
eve& do&e ther'py =ith .oh& 9e&&o& '&d Yo$o ;&o. 8I
st'rted =ith psy)hology( '&d i& the siDties I did T7(
=hi)h I pr')ti)ed +or ' lot o+ ye'rs. IFve do&e G!st '"o!t
everythi&g there is to do i& the Ne= Age 're&'. I tried it
'll "e)'!se IF, se'r)hi&g. I re'lly ='&ted to +i&d pe')e.:
142
He h'd little pe')e. -'tie )',e i&to S',Fs li+e 't '
ti,e o+ )o&+!sio&. #or$( rel'tio&ships( ide&tity 'll +elt
te&!o!s( held together "y the +i&est o+ thre'ds.
So,eti,es &othi&g see,ed to hold. He +elt 'dri+t i&
*!estio&s.
8Ti,e p'ssed '&d I de)ided to go to 0'rsto=. I
spe&t t=o d'ys =ith her there( t=o =o&der+!l d'ys. #e
='l$ed i& the desert '&d t'l$ed. I ='s de'li&g =ith the
*!estio& o+ =hether I ,ight "e ho,oseD!'l. A&d IF, '&
older ,'&I IF, siDty1seve& ye'rs old. IFve "ee& tryi&g to
+ig!re o!t the seD!'l orie&t'tio& iss!e +or ,ost o+ ,y
li+e. I& 0'rsto= -'tie ='s =or$i&g =ith ' gro!p o+
people( o&e o+ =ho, ='s ' ho,oseD!'l( ' very &i)e
,'& =hose &',e I do&Ft re,e,"er. #ith his prese&)e
'&d -'tieFs help( I ='s '"le to =or$ this *!estio&
thro!gh to ' )o&)l!sio&. It ='s so good +or ,e. I +i&'lly
='s '"le to $&o= th't I ', &ot ho,oseD!'l '&d I )'&
+eel good '"o!t th't.:
;ther thi&gs tro!"led S',( old thi&gs +ro,
)hildhood( )o&st'&t thi&gs li$e his +e'r o+ de'th. 8I
h've&Ft tot'lly rid ,ysel+ o+ +e'r(: he tells ,e( 8"!t IFve
gotte& rid o+ eighty per)e&t o+ it. I "elieve &o= th't there
is &o de'th. I "elieve th't tot'lly. #e )o&ti&!e o&. #e
le've the "ody '&d the "ody re,'i&s there '&d =e go o&.
#here =e go( I do&Ft $&o=( '&d -'tie h's&Ft told ,e. I
do&Ft thi&$ she =ill.:
She ,ight. She told ,e th't =e do&Ft go '&y=here.
#e 're 'lre'dy.
S',Fs de'th +e'rs ,'y h've "eg!& =ith the reli1
gio!s i&str!)tio&s he re)eived i& his )hildhood. His
+'ther ,'y h've )o,,!&i)'ted these +e'rs to hi,. S',
)'&Ft "e s!re.
8I ='s r'ised ' 9!ther'&. /ery stri)t. /ery +e'r+!l.
7isso!ri Sy&od( the ,ost stri)t o+ 'll o+ the,. I ='s
149
A CRY IN THE DESERT
'+r'id o+ everythi&g. They got !p i& the p!lpit the&(
=he& I ='s ' s,'ll "oy( '&d told ,e th't I ='s &o goodI
th't IFd &ever "e '&y good '&d th't the o&ly possi"le
thi&g th't )o!ld ever "e good +or ,e ='s to +ollo= <od
'&d pr'y '&d &ot si& '&d yo! $&o=.... It ='s '=+!l.
Terri"le. ItFs ' terri"le thi&g to h've h'ppe& to ' yo!&g
$id. A&d yo! h've &o s!pport. ThereFs &o s!pport
syste,.
87y d'd ='s s)'red to de'th. He =o!ld&Ft go to
)h!r)h( =o!ld&Ft t'l$ '"o!t it( '&d ,y ,other ='s
tot'lly e&g!l+ed i& it. It ='s ' very "'d thi&g.
8<od( it re'lly '++e)ted ,y li+e ' lot. Th'tFs =here
'll ,y +e'rs st'rted. Tr!ly. A $id sho!ld&Ft "e +illed =ith
+e'r o+ de'th. A&d =he& I ='s ' $id( I ='s 'lre'dy '+r'id
o+ de'th '&d I do&Ft $&o= =hy. It ='s d!,"J 7y d'd
='s '+r'id o+ it( tho!gh( '&d th't ,'y h've "ee& p'rt o+
it. He ='s '"sol!tely p'r'&oid '"o!t it. I 'l='ys tho!ght
th't the ')t o+ dyi&g ='s the thi&g th't +righte&ed ,e. It
='s&Ft re'lly "ei&g de'd th't s)'red ,e( it ='s the ')t o+
doi&g it.:
The t!r&i&g poi&t i& S',Fs li+e )',e d!ri&g his
='l$ =ith -'tie i& the desert. 8The +irst ti,e I ='s =ith
her( those +e= d'ys i& the desert( =e =e&t +or ' ='l$ i&
the e'rly ,or&i&g. It ='s spri&g '&d i&)redi"ly "e'!ti+!l
? 'll ,y )olors. I love t!r*!oise( t'&s( s'geI they 'll
,eld together. The e++e)t is so pretty. #e ='l$ed ' lo&g
ti,e( t'l$i&g( '&d 'll o+ ' s!dde& I got s!)h ' =eird
+eeli&g li$e I ='s losi&g it( tot'lly losi&g it. ;&e side o+
,y +')e "e)',e p'r'lyHed 's I spo$e. I s'id( F<od(
-'tie( I thi&$ I ,ight "e dyi&g.F A&d she s'id( F;h
=ell...:F
S', "re'$s i&to l'!ghter. The delight over -'tieFs
respo&se )o&ti&!es to "e 's +reei&g +or hi, 's it ='s
i&iti'lly. 8A&d I tho!ght( oh this is terri+i)J Is&Ft th't
1B3
=ild>J F;h =ell... #h't =o&der+!l thi&g =ill h'ppe&
&eDt>F Right> She is G!st terri+i)J
I 's$ hi, ho= he !&derst'&ds &o= =h't h'ppe&ed
to hi, o& th't d'y. 8I thi&$ there ='s ' tr'&sitio& th't
too$ pl')e(: he s'ys( 8A rele'se( so,ethi&g I h'd &ever
+elt "e+ore "e)'!se IFd 'l='ys lived very tight( te&se(
holdi&g o&. I thi&$ I let go o+ th't. I tho!ght I ='s dyi&g(
"!t I did&Ft re'lly eDperie&)e the ')t o+ dyi&g. It ,ight
h've "ee& &i)e i+ I h'd go&e ,ore deeply i&to it th'& I
did. A&d h'vi&g her there 't th't i&st'&t( =he& I
p'&i)$ed( '&d she s'id( F;h =ell. . . F
8I did le'r& +ro, this. 7y ,other p'ssed '='y '+ter
this h'ppe&ed. She h'd )'&)er. I spe&t ' lot o+ ti,e
t'l$i&g =ith her. ItEs ','Hi&g to ,e ho= )o,+ort'"le IFd
"e)o,e =ith de'th( =ith peopleFs dyi&g. I ,o!r&ed her(
"!t I did&Ft +eel '=+!l. I do +eel the lossI I =o&Ft "e '"le
to t'l$ =ith her '&y,ore. 0!t +ro, the st'&dpoi&t o+ her
=ell1"ei&g( I +elt good. A&d I do '"o!t '&yo&e =ho dies
&o=. I do&Ft "elieve i& hell. I =ish the religio&s =o!ld
do '='y =ith th't ide'. I do&Ft "elieve thereFs ' devil.
There ,'y "e ' devil i& o!r ,i&ds( "!t I do&Ft "elieve
thereFs ' devil i& the =orld o+ spirit. I thi&$ the devil ='s
so,ethi&g i&ve&ted to )o&trol people. I g!ess it did th't
+or ' lo&g ti,e.:
S',Fs rele'se +ro, +e'r e&d!red. It is&Ft 's tho!gh
&o +e'r re,'i&ed 't 'll( "!t eighty per)e&t o+ it( 't le'st(
='s go&e. He )redited -'tie '&d his gr'tit!de so!ght
eDpressio&. 8I ='s 'l='ys tryi&g to +ig!re o!t ' ='y to
get ' +i&'&)i'l "'se !&der -'tie "e)'!se she G!st lives so
,!)h o+ ' h'&d to ,o!th eDiste&)e. She sho!ld&Ft "e. So
,'&y people rely o& her &o= +or ' lot o+ their spirit!'l
gro=th th't itFs &ot +'ir. I told her she o!ght to )h'rge '
set ',o!&t per d'y to sho= !p ? pl!s her eDpe&ses. A&d
I do&Ft thi&$ th'tFs !&+'ir 't 'll.
1B1
A CRY IN THE DESERT
80!t she does&Ft do th't "e)'!se she +eels it ,ight
eli,i&'te so,e"ody th't &eeds spirit!'l help. She s'ys
she )'& give s)hol'rships '&d th'tFs tr!e "!t yo! &eed '
+i&'&)i'l "'se +irst. 0e)'!se she '&d '!l G!st str!ggle
'll the ti,e to ,'$e e&ds ,eet '&d th'tFs &ot good. I +eel
it is distr')ti&g to herI eve& tho!gh sheFll s'y it is&Ft it is.
ItFs o!t o+ )h'r')ter "!t sheFs h!,'& G!st li$e the rest o+
!s. #e ='&t to p!t her !p o& ' pedest'l( "!t sheFs &ot
goi&g to )li," !p there.:
Nothi&g he tried =or$ed. There ='s ' "oo$( "!t it
='s &ever +i&ished. He p'id +or ' videot'pe. It did&Ft
represe&t her 'de*!'tely. He p'id to h've her =or$shop
t'pes tr'&s)ri"ed. 0oDes o+ t'pes '&d re',s o+
tr'&s)ripts 're stored '='y. Their !se is( 's yet(
!&deter,i&ed.
S', p!HHles over ' sit!'tio& th't ,ight )'st so,e
light o& the di++i)!lties i&volved i& pro,oti&g 0yro&
-'tie. 8I h've ,'&y +rie&ds IFve i&trod!)ed to her( '&d
itFs 'l,ost 's i+ they 're '+r'id to get i&volved =ith her
'g'i&. Is&Ft th't str'&ge> I do&Ft !&derst'&d it. I do&Ft
='&t to G!dge the, "e)'!se I do&Ft $&o= ? I )'&Ft get
i&to their he'ds. I t'l$ to the, s'yi&g( F9etFs get -'tie
'&d h've ' =ee$e&d(F "!t I G!st )'&Ft get '&y"ody to
,ove. They love her "!t they G!st =o&Ft ,ove. Is&Ft th't
=eird>:
0!t itFs &ot re'lly so =eird. The ='y 0yro& -'tie
sees li+e st!&s the ordi&'ry ,i&d( '&d S', $&o=s th't.
8Do yo! re,e,"er =he& =e h'd the "ig +ires 't
9'g!&'( '&d so ,'&y o+ the ho!ses "!r&ed>: he 's$s(
'&d I tell hi, th't I do '&d th't I s'= 'rti+')ts +ro, the
+ire 't l'st ye'rFs 9'g!&' Art %'ir.
8#ell(: he )o&ti&!es( 8I h'd ' gro!p o+ people here
't ,y ho!se '&d t=o o+ the =o,e& =ho )',e do=& +or
th't d'y )',e thro!gh the 9'g!&' 're'.
1B4
8They s't i& the gro!p telli&g !s ho= '=+!l the
+ires =ere '&d o& '&d o& '&d o&. -'tie respo&ded( F#hy
do yo! thi&$ itFs '=+!l> I do&Ft see '&ythi&g =ro&g =ith
it. #h't is the highest orderJ Ho= do =e $&o=> ThereFs
the +ire. Re'lity is 9ove i& ')tio&. #h't =o&der+!l thi&g
is goi&g to h'ppe& to those people &o=> Ho= do I $&o=
I do&Ft &eed ' ho!se> It G!st got "!r&ed.F ItFs ,i&d1
"lo=i&g.:
I& 'dditio& to =it&essi&g 0yro& -'tieFs st!&&i&g
e++e)t o& his +rie&ds( S', eDperie&)es so,ethi&g o+ the
s',e resist'&)e hi,sel+.
8IF, &ot '"sol!tely positive ? '&d itFs so,ethi&g I
str!ggle =ith ? th't "e)o,i&g 's spirit!'l 's -'tie is or
eve& )lose to =h't she is is so,ethi&g I ='&t to do. I s'y
I do '&d I thi&$ I do "!t =he& I get do=& i&side ,ysel+
'&d loo$ 'ro!&d( IF, &ot s!re. IF, &ot s!re I ='&t to
"e)o,e this ? this spirit. I g!ess I do&Ft $&o= =h't th't
=o!ld ,e'&. 7'y"e th'tFs =h't stops ,e +ro, doi&g it. I
re'lly do&Ft $&o=.:
He $&o=s thro!gh eDperie&)e( tho!gh( th't =he&
people 'llo= the,selves to "e i&+l!e&)ed "y her( they
)h'&ge. HeFs see& her =ith dr!g 'ddi)ts '&d =ith
)o&vi)ts i& h'l+='y ho!ses. He $&o=s it i& his i&&er
sel+( i& his d'ily li+e '&d rel'tio&ships.
8SheFs h'd i&)redi"le s!))ess eve& =ith people so
+'r do=& the hill th't yo! =o!ld&Ft "elieve '&y"ody
)o!ld "ri&g the, "')$ !p. ;&e thi&g she told ,e o&e
ti,e th't re'lly ,'de '& i,pressio& o& ,e h'd to do
=ith these g!ys she =or$s =ith i& ' h'l+='y ho!se. I see
her 's tryi&g to get the, to +eel love. She s'id( FH've
yo! ever tried to get ' ='ll to +eel 9ove> I+ I ', t'l$i&g
=ith ' perso& =ho is i,pe&etr'"le( I "e)o,e
i,pe&etr'"le. 9i$e spe'$s to li$e. I ', the ='ll he'rd "y
the ='ll 's itsel+ ? re)og&iHed. She got it do&eJ A lot o+
1BB
A CRY IN THE DESERT
the, 're '"le to +eel thi&gs &o=. I do&Ft $&o= th't they
=ere &e)ess'rily so)iop'thi)( "!t they =ere )ert'i&ly
lo)$ed !p i& their '&ger '&d &ot i& to!)h =ith their
+eeli&gs. SheEs i&)redi"leJ:
;+ his o=& tr'&s+or,'tio&( he s'ys( 8I !sed to
proGe)t ,ysel+ i&to sit!'tio&s. IFve pretty ,!)h stopped
th't. 7'i&ly itFs '"o!t t'$i&g respo&si"ility +or o!rsel+.
The other is &ot ,y "!si&ess. Ho= )'& I $&o=> Th'tFs
=h't goes thro!gh ,y ,i&d( '&d itFs '&other thi&g -'tie
t'!ght ,e. Ho= )'& I $&o= =h't goes thro!gh th't
perso&Fs ,i&d( =h't theyFre thi&$i&g> ThereFs &o ='y.:
Respo&si"ility 's ' +o)!s i& his o=&
tr'&s+or,'tio&( 's =ell 's i& the tr'&s+or,'tio& o+
so)iety( is )e&tr'l to S',Fs ='y o+ li+e. 0yro& -'tie
does&Ft )o,pro,ise =he& it )o,es to perso&'l
respo&si"ility. ItFs '&other thi&g th't dr'=s S', to her.
His he'rt goes o!t to the yo!&g people o+ o!r )o!&try
=hoFve &ot h'd '& opport!&ity to develop this se&se o+
respo&si"ility.
8Yo! )'&Ft love too ,!)h. The ,ore yo! love( the
,ore love there is. It is sel+1perpet!'ti&g. Yo! &eed to
live it( &ot G!st spe'$ it. 6&+ort!&'tely I do&Ft see this too
,!)h i& so)iety. The -'ties 're the $i&d o+ people =ho
=ill get it there i+ it ever is goi&g to "e there.:
A&d the S',s. This is =h't I +eel li$e telli&g hi,.
0!t he goes o& to tell the ='ys heFs )h'&ged. 8IFve
le'r&ed ' lot '"o!t +orgive&ess. IFve "ee& G!dg,e&t'l 'll
,y li+e. I ='s r'ised li$e th't: t'!ght to "e ' G!dge. ItFs
so,ethi&g IFve str!ggled =ith ' lot. 0!t IFve ,'de ' lot
o+ i&ro'ds '&d h've pretty ,!)h stopped G!dgi&g people.
IFve let go o+ +irst i,pressio&s: yo! $&o= ? this perso&
is&Ft very pretty or is +'t( or I do&Ft li$e this or th't ?
those ide's th't go thro!gh o!r he'ds =he& =e ,eet
so,eo&e. I ='s r'ised =ith G!dg,e&t. 7y ,other ='s
eDtre,ely )riti)'l o+ people '&d r')es ? the =hole thi&g.
1B5
She ='s preG!di)ed. IFve h'd to le'r& to &ot "e th't. I
h've&Ft tot'lly =hipped it. IFll "e ho&est: I so,eti,es get
)'rried '='y. 0!t IFve ,'de serio!s i&ro'ds.
8;&e ,or&i&g( e'rly( '"o!t +ive( I ='s i& "ed '&d
so,ethi&g =o$e ,e !p. There ='s ' voi)e( I s=e'r it(
th't s'id( +to" "laying 1odJ It ='s i&)redi"le. A&d -'tie
s'id F<ood( yo! )'& he'r.F I do thi&$ I h'd ' te&de&)y to
do th't ? to pl'y <od. I thi&$ ' perso& =ho is
G!dg,e&t'l is pl'yi&g <od. I do&Ft he'r voi)es( "!t th't
voi)e ='s 's )le'r 's '&ythi&g IFve ever h'd h'ppe& to
,e.:
S', l'!ghs. ThereFs so,ethi&g )hildli$e '&d
i&&o)e&t '"o!t this ,'& =hoFs "ee& so ,!)h ' ,'& o+
the =orld +or ,ore th'& siDty ye'rs. This ,'& =ho h's
,'de '&d lost sever'l +ort!&es( =ho $&o=s his ='y
'ro!&d( =ho is ? right &o= ? o& the verge o+ +i&'&)i'l
)oll'pse '&d 'lre'dy h's the )re'tive ide' th't =ill
','ss '&other +ort!&e. This ,'& is pl'yi&g. HeFs
i&&o)e&t. A )hild.
8I love -'tie ,ore th'& '&y"ody th't I $&o=(
,'y"e =ith the eD)eptio& o+ ,y =i+e( "e)'!se -'tie is
the ,ost =o&der+!l( the ,ost lovi&g ? itFs G!st '&
i&)redi"le eDperie&)e to "e i& her prese&)e. The l'st
ti,e I ='s =ith her( I spe&t ' S't!rd'y( the gre'ter
portio& o+ the ,or&i&g '&d '+ter&oo&( =ith her. #e s't
i& the livi&g roo, o+ her ho,e. I ='s i& ' sp')e IFd &ever
"ee& "e+ore. It ='s the F"e here &o=F eDperie&)e th't yo!
re'd '"o!t ? th'tFs eD')tly =here I ='s. I ='s tot'lly 't
pe')e. It ='s ' ,'rvelo!s eDperie&)e( '&d I ='s '"le to
$eep it '&d "ri&g it ho,e. I $ept it thro!gh the &ight. 0!t
it eve&t!'lly =e&t '='y. I )'& "ri&g it "')$( tho!gh( +or
"rie+ s&'pshots( "!t it =o&Ft hold. I thi&$ it =ill hold
eve&t!'lly( tho!ghI I $&o= =here to go to get it. So
th'tFs good.
1BA
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8-'tie h's ,'de ,e "e)o,e ' lot ,ore respo&si"le
+or ,e( +or ,y o=& h'ppi&ess. SheFs t'!ght ,e to li$e
,ysel+ "etter( so,ethi&g th't ='s di++i)!lt +or ,eI I
=e&t ,'&y ye'rs =itho!t li$i&g ,ysel+ 't 'll. It ='s '
tr!e gi+t. The #or$ she does is eD)elle&t. ItFs h'rd to
)'t)h the esse&)e o+ it i& ' "oo$let( tho!ghI yo! 'l,ost
h've to eDperie&)e it =ith her.
8#h't sets -'tie 'p'rt is her love( her '"sol!tely
!&)o&ditio&'l love. A&d her re'l&ess. She is i&)redi"le. I
)'& h've ,ore +!& =ith her( I )'& )ry =ith her. SheFs
=o&der+!l. I love her. SheFs "e'!ti+!l '&d her spirit is...
IFve &ever ,et '&yo&e else li$e her '&d &ever hope to
'g'i&. Th'tFs very spe)i'l.
8A )o,,it,e&t )h'&ges yo!r li+e( thereFs &o
*!estio& '"o!t it. I thi&$ it )h'&ges it +or the "etter. I
thi&$ th't( 's I told yo! "e+ore( th't I +eel so,e +e'r
'"o!t )o&ti&!'lly goi&g o& i&to the spirit!'l( '"o!t
pressi&g i&to this thi&g( "!t I re'lly ='&t to. I re'lly ='&t
to.:
7y )o&vers'tio& =ith S', is dr'=i&g to ' )lose. I
)'& tell "e)'!se IFve le'r&ed th't 's people try to t'l$
'"o!t ho= 0yro& -'tie i&+l!e&)ed the,( they eve&t!'lly
h've o&ly eDpressio&s o+ love. The #or$ o+
tr'&s+or,'tio& is o&goi&g '&d it is their o=&. 0yro&
-'tie is( 's she 'l='ys s'id she ='s( ' ,irror ? =h't =e
loo$ li$e o& the other side.
I do&Ft $&o= =h't else I )'& tell yo! ? I G!st love
her '&d love her '&d love her.:
1B6
I A7 N;T THIS 0;DY
0yro& -'tie spe&ds Holy #ee$ =ith ,e. ED)ept
+or this )h'pter( the +irst dr'+t o+ the ,'&!s)ript is
)o,plete. #e go thro!gh every =ord( every se&te&)e. Is
it tr!e> Is it the "est ='y to s'y it> #h't 're the =ords
+or th't =hi)h h's &o =ords> #e sit i& s!&light o& the
p'tio. E'rly i& the ,or&i&g =e "egi& '&d =or$ !&til
&ight. #e ,ove +ro, pl')e to pl')e: the =riti&g roo,(
the +irepl')e roo,. The A,eri)'& l'&g!'ge str!)t!re is
i&'de*!'te to 0yro& -'tieFs eDperie&)e i& th't it re*!ires
d!'listi) tho!ght ? ' s!"Ge)t '&d '& o"Ge)t. Eve& the
si,plest se&te&)e ,oves +ro, the origi&'l st'te o+ "ei&g
i& =hi)h she lives. 8I ',.: As soo& 's I s'y 8I(: I h've
,oved o&e step '='y. #h't is p!re s!"Ge)tivity( '&d
ho= )'& it "e eDpressed>
So,eti,es =e spe'$ '&d =rite i& )ir)les '&d &eed
to delete ,!)h o+ it. #e l'!gh. #e pl'y =ith l'&g!'ge.
;& Holy Th!rsd'y '+ter&oo&( .oh& '&d I t'$e her to
the 'irport '&d I )o,e ho,e to "egi& =h't( i& ,y
spirit!'l tr'ditio&( is )'lled the S')red Trid!!,: the
sole,& re,e,"r'&)e o+ the de'th '&d res!rre)tio& o+
.es!s =ho, =e )'ll the Christ. I& rit!'liHed
ree&')t,e&t( =e Christi'&s ,'$e prese&t +or o!rselves
'll the 'ssovers: +ro, &othi&g&ess to "ei&g( +ro,
d'r$&ess to light( +ro, sl'very to +reedo,( +ro, si& to
gr')e( +ro, de'th to li+e( +ro, te,por'l to Eter&'l 9i+e.
#e "ri&g opposites together '&d ')t o!t the he'li&g o+
d!'lis,. #e +or, ' pro)essio& o+ )'&dlelight +ro, the
)h!r)h to the g'rde&. #e st'&d si&gi&g !&der the +!ll
,oo&. #e ,'$e re'dy +or the stro$e o+ gr')e th't
tr'&s+or,s the h!,'&( th't reve'ls to !s the divi&e '&d
h!,'&( th't reve'ls to !s the divi&e '&d 'l='ys prese&t
1BC
A CRY IN THE DESERT
)e&ter o+ o!r re'lity.
E'ster S!&d'y ,or&i&g rises )le'r. I h've ' lot o+
si&gi&g to do. I dress i& =hite '&d go e'rly to the )h!r)h
to pr')ti)e =ith the )hoir. 7y voi)e +eels +ree '&d so'rs
's i+ &othi&g o+ ,e )'& hi&der it. Tr!,pets '&&o!&)e the
res!rre)tio&. The org'& th!&ders. The Allel!i's ope& !p
sp')e li$e ' so&i) "oo,. The le)tor steps to the p!lpit.
He '&&o!&)es: 8Yo! h've died '&d yo!r li+e is hidde&
=ith Christ i& <od.:
At this ,o,e&t I "re'$ ope& li$e the Allel!i'. 7y
i&divid!'l li+e h's died. #h't I )'lled 8I: is e)lipsed(
hidde&( i& the Christ =ho is hidde& i& <od. I +eel prese&t
every=here( i& everythi&g( =ithi& e')h perso& there i&
the )h!r)h( "et=ee& the,( !&"o!&ded. This ,!st "e
=h't 0yro& -'tie ,e'&s =he& she s'ys( FI ', &ot this
"ody.F This "ody is o&ly o&e o+ the +or,s I t'$e. I ',
,'&y +or,s. I ', the +or, o+ ,!si). I ', the +or, o+
e')h perso& here. I ', the +or, o+ the =i&d '&d o+ the
s!& shi&i&g thro!gh the st'i&ed gl'ss. I ', the +or, o+
the =ords "ei&g pro)l'i,ed. I ', the +or, o+ the Christ.
A&d 'll +or, is tr'&s+or,ed tod'y. All is hidde& i& <od.
I h've see& people die. 7y +'ther died. I s't =ith
,y +rie&d =ho died =he& she ='s o&ly +orty1+o!r. 7y
+irst h!s"'&d o+ te& ye'rs died s!dde&ly. 7y ,other
died =hile I held her h'&d. 89i+e is )h'&ged( &ot t'$e&
'='y(: the priest pro)l'i,ed 't every +!&er'l. I tried to
!&derst'&d. The +or, o+ ,y "ody )h'&ges d!ri&g 'll ,y
li+eI de'th )h'&ges th't +or, r'di)'lly. I do &ot die. I ',
&ot this "ody.
I $&o= th't I )'& =rite the )h'pter o& de'th &o=.
1B2
8De'th is ' proGe)tio&(: 0yro& -'tie s'ys( 8;+
everythi&g yo! h've ever "ee& ? t'!ght "y h!,'&
tho!ght o& this pl'&et. I+ &o o&e h'd told ,e '"o!t
de'th( I =o!ld&Ft $&o= =h't they ,e'&t. #e do&Ft die.
De'th is &ot ' possi"ilityJ It is so,ethi&g =e !se to
s)'re o!rselves. ;!r tho!ghts o+ de'th 're !pside do=&
thi&$i&g '&d do&Ft =or$. The +e'r is proGe)ted +ro, o!r
)hildhoods. #e s'= people ='ili&g +ro, seei&g other
people ='ili&g '&d +'lli&g 'p'rt 's =e &o= ='il '&d +'ll
'p'rt perpet!'ti&g the lie. Th't is +e'r. %e'r is )o&+!sio&
'&d ig&or'&)e. The h!,'& )o&ditio& is to prote)t the
"ody "e)'!se h!,'&s thi&$ they 're their "odies. They
h've +orgotte& they 're tho!ghts. They 're &ot i& to!)h
=ith the '='re&ess( =hi)h is th't o+ Everl'sti&g 9i+e.
8Every ti,e the "elie+ o+ de'th )o,es i&( $&o= it is
the res!lt o+ this !pside1do=& thi&$i&g. The people =ho
FdieF '&d )o,e "')$ +ro, &e'r1de'th eDperie&)es report
the "e'!ty( e)st'sy( '&d pe')e they e&)o!&ter. The&
there 're the o&es =ho step o& over '&d do&Ft eve&
"other to )o,e "')$ to report the o"vio!s.
89oo$ +or o&e proo+ th't de'th is&Ft good other th'&
yo!r "elie+ th't they sho!ld rise '&d ='l$ +or yo!r
"e&e+it. It is &ot possi"le to +i&d it. There is o&ly <ood.
There is o&ly <od. There is o&ly .oyJ A&y tho!ght th't
$eeps ,e +ro, 9i+e is i&s'&e.:
I re,e,"er th't ,y +irst ,eeti&g =ith 0yro& )',e
o&ly three =ee$s '+ter ,y ,otherFs de'th. No=( i& the
prese&)e o+ 0yro&Fs te')hi&g( ,y tho!ghts ret!r& to th't
eDperie&)e.
It ='s e'rly( ' +e= ,i&!tes p'st siD i& the ,or&i&g
o+ A!g!st 1B( 199B. .oh& h'd G!st le+t +or =or$I I
='&ted to sleep so,e ,ore. I )losed ,y eyes. The pho&e
r'&g. It ='s so e'rly i& the ,or&i&gI =ho =o!ld )'ll ,e>
1B9
A CRY IN THE DESERT
It ='s ,y sister( 9iH. She h'd te'rs i& her voi)e.
8The &!rsi&g ho,e )'lled. 7o, is&Ft de'd ? yet.: The&
she "eg'& to )ry. 8They s'id she h's&Ft e'te& '&ythi&g
+or three d'ys. #hy did&Ft they )'ll ,e> They s'id to
)'ll ,y sister i& C'li+or&i'.: #e t'l$ed. I do&Ft
re,e,"er the =ords. I told her I =o!ld "e i& 7i&&esot'
"y eve&i&g.
I thi&$ &o= o+ th't trip( the ho!rs i& the pl'&e +ly1
i&g +ro, the #est Co'st to 7i&&esot'. So,eho=( eve&
tho!gh IFd &ot yet ,et 0yro& -'tie( I eDperie&)ed =h't
she ='s l'ter to tell ,e: 8The !lti,'te eDiste&ti'l +e'r
o+ h!,'&$i&d is the +e'r o+ =h't =e see 's de'th. 0!t
de'th is &ot =h't yo! thi&$ it is. All yo! $&o= is th't
=he& the "ody stops( it is +e'r+!l to yo!. #he& yo! )'&Ft
see the perso& 's 'live( yo! do&Ft tr!st th't li+e h's&Ft
e&ded. #he& esse&)e le'ves the "ody '&d the "ody G!st
lies there( it s)'res yo!. 0!t i+ esse&)e )',e "')$ to
"ody( "ody =o!ld report it h'd "ee& i& '& i&des)ri"'"ly
Goyo!s pl')e "eyo&d itsel+. 0e)'!se o+ the ge&er'tio&s
o+ le'r&ed ,is"elie+s '&d +e'r( =e 're !&'"le to
eDperie&)e ' pe')e+!l( Goyo!s li+e.
8De'th is 'lso lyi&g i& the 'r,s o+ ' loved o&e '&d
goi&g to sleep. Every &ight =e l'y o!r he'd o& the
pillo= '&d go to sleep. Th't is =h't de'th is. #e =ere
p!t to "ed e')h &ight "y o!r p're&ts( eve& "e+ore =e
)o!ld )o&stit!te tho!ght( '&d =e '!to,'ti)'lly le'r&ed
to tr!st =e =o!ld ='$e e')h ,or&i&g.
8;& =h't I )'ll the Fother sideF is the Isness 6
"elie+s 're the Is&not&ness. A&y tho!ghts =e try to p!t
o&to th't )o&ditio& o+ Is li,it 8 the Isness. It is )o,1
plete( "eyo&d =ords to des)ri"eJ
87y o=& eDperie&)e is th't I live i& this
)o,plete&ess. It is the pe')e I ='l$ i&. I do&Ft 8$&o=:I
'&ythi&g. I do&Ft h've to +ig!re '&ythi&g o!t. I g've !p i&
153
ti,e( +orty1three ye'rs o+ tho!ghts th't go &o=here( '&d
&o= I )'& $&o= the Is&not. e')e. .oy. A"sol!te
+!l+ill,e&t o+ ='t)hi&g everythi&g !&+old i& +ro&t o+ ,e
's ,e. I ', ' perpet!'ted ,i&d )'!se 'lre'dy eDisti&g(
here to )orre)t itsel+( &o=. It is the s',e 's de'th. BeingJ
I do&Et know th't I ', ? I ',.
Thi)$ 'ir =r'pped ,e 's soo& 's I stepped +ro, the
pl'&e i&to the +light='y. H!,idity. IFd +orgotte&. 7y
"rother1i&1l'=( Steve( stood to='rd the "')$ o+ the
)ro=d. He s,iled. I eDpe)ted hi, to s'y so,ethi&g
'"o!t 7','( ='s she still 'live> He s'id &othi&g. <'ve
,e ' h!g. S,iled 'g'i&. The& he too$ ,e over to =here
9iH ='s sitti&g i& ' =heel)h'ir "y the =i&do=. She
s,iled too. I 's$ed '"o!t her "ro$e& +ootI I s'id I h'd&Ft
eDpe)ted her to "e there.
#'s 7',' de'd> #'s 9iH "ei&g "r've( &ot
='&ti&g to tell ,e here i& p!"li)> I pre+erred to ='it
r'ther th'& to 's$. ;& the ='y to the "'gg'ge )l'i,( 9iH
+i&'lly s'id so,ethi&g li$e( 87o, is still holdi&g o&. I
spe&t the d'y =ith her.:
I ='&ted to go right to the &!rsi&g ho,e. I he'rd
9iH s'y( 80e s!re yo! t'$e )'re o+ yo!rsel+( yo! $eep
vigils '&d +orget to t'$e )'re o+ yo!rsel+.: I ,e&t'lly
i&str!)ted ,ysel+ to "e re'so&'"le. ')e ,ysel+. Not
i,'gi&e I ,!st "e =ith 7',' every ,o,e&t(
respo&si"le( so,eho=( +or g!idi&g her thro!gh de'th. I
do&Ft h've th't $i&d o+ =isdo,( th't $i&d o+ po=er.
7','Fs eyes =ere )losed '&d she ='s "re'thi&g
very +'st. Ho= ,'&y ti,es h'd I "ee& here i& ,y ,i&d(
"eside her( dyi&g> 7y ,other( dyi&g( i& 'll the others I
loved =ho died. The ,other( dyi&g i& ,y dre',s si&)e I
"eg'& to dre', '&d de'th ,oved i&eDor'"ly to='rd her
151
A CRY IN THE DESERT
ho!se =ith +ire to destroy her. I )o!ld &ot prote)t her. I
)o!ld &ot stop it.
I too$ her h'&d. It ='s still her h'&d. So+t. 0!t so
=et( )l',,y. %ever. Her +')e too. Cl',,y. 9iH )'lled
the &!rse. Her te,per't!re ='s .!st '"o!t 133( her
"lood press!re holdi&g 't =h't the &!rse )'lled &or,'l.
So s,'ll. Her "o&es =ere the "o&es o+ "irds +'lle& +ro,
&ests. Her h'ir ='s spre'd o& the pillo= over her he'd(
still 'l,ost "l')$( str'ight. Her s$i& ='s &ot gr'y li$e 'll
those others I ='t)hed die. She r'di'ted ' $i&d o+ light.
It +ooled ,e. She =o&Ft die to&ight( I )o&)l!ded( or
to,orro=. She =ill die o& S!&d'y( o& the +e'st o+ the
Ass!,ptio& o+ 7'ry.
9iH s'id she =o!ld &ot "e st'yi&g the &ight.
So,ethi&g i& ,e +elt "o!&d to 7',' 's tho!gh o&)e
st'&di&g "eside her I )o!ld &ot ,ove. 0!t I re'so&ed
th't i+ I =ere goi&g to st'y =ith her 'll the &eDt d'y '&d
&ight( the& I h'd "etter go =ith 9iH '&d sleep. #e s't "y
her "ed G!st ' little ,ore th'& '& ho!r. #e s'&g to her.
8<ood&ight S=eethe'rt: '&d 87y #ild Irish Rose.: #e
$issed her '&d s'id =e =o!ld ret!r& i& the ,or&i&g.
7y &ephe=( D'vid( let ,e !se his roo,. He h'd '
='ter"ed. It h!gged ,e. I +elt i,,ersed i& ' )lo!d. 0!t I
did&Ft sleep ,!)h.
At +o!r i& the ,or&i&g the pho&e r'&g. I '=o$e
i,,edi'tely. It's the nursing home$ I tho!ght '&d I
='ited +or 9iH to )o,e to the door. 0!t she did&Ft )o,e.
I+ she did&Ft he'r the telepho&e( =hi)h ='s sitti&g right
'"ove her "ed( the& it h'd&Ft re'lly r!&g. I ,!st h've
dre',ed it. I h'd di++i)!lty getti&g "')$ to sleep. It
=o!ld "e ' lo&g d'y '&d I i&te&ded to st'y !p 'll &ight
=ith 7','. I $ept thi&$i&g o+ the poe, I =rote l'st
ye'rI it e&ded =ith the =ords:
154
7A7A 7A7A
9et the +ire die.
9et ,e hold yo! o&)e
0e+ore yo! +lyI
0e ' "ird i& ,y h'&d
Resti&g Nesti&g
;&e 'g'i& =ith everythi&g
#e ever hoped to !&derst'&d
A"o!t o!r he'rts
Yo!r he'rt
Hidi&g
I& ,y too too +roHe& li+e.
I ='s !p 't C:B3( =hi)h is re'lly A:B3 ,y ti,e.
0!t I ='s&Ft thi&$i&g '"o!t ti,e. I pl'&&ed to sho=er
'&d the& 9iH '&d I =o!ld go to the &!rsi&g ho,e. It
see,ed e'rly to ,e. It ='s&Ft re'lly e'rly. The& 9iH ='s
!p. #hile she ='s getti&g dressed the pho&e r'&g. A
voi)e s'id( 8Yo!r ,other is lo=. Yo!Fd "etter )o,e
over.: I told the voi)e =e =o!ld do th'tI IFd G!st sho=er.
She s'id( 8I do&Ft thi&$ yo! h've ti,e to sho=erI she
,ight &ot ='it +or th't.:
It ='s spri&$li&g. A "ig th!&derstor, ='s ,ovi&g
i& +'st o& the T=i& Cities. This ='s the edge o+ it. I& the
p'r$i&g lot( 9iH told ,e to get o!t o+ the )'r '&d r!& i&.
SheFd +ollo= 's +'st 's she )o!ld =ith her "ro$e& +oot.
There =ere three &!rses i& 7','Fs roo,( '&d she
='s dyi&g. 8;h( good( yo!Fre here(: o&e o+ the, s'id.
8She ='ited +or yo!.: I h!rried 'ro!&d to the side o+ the
"ed =here I )o!ld see her +')e( '&d I too$ her hot( d',p
h'&d. 87',': )',e li$e ' so" str'ight +ro, ,y he'rt.
15B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
I l'id ,y he'd )lose to hers. Her "re'thi&g ='s irreg!l'r
=ith lo&g p'!ses "et=ee& "re'ths '&d her eyes =ere
ope&. Her l!&gs =ere +illed !p '&d the "re'th r'ttled.
The& 9iH ='s =ith ,e.
8<o to <od( 7','(: I s'id '&d I )ried 'g'i&. The
&!rses le+t the roo,. 9iH '&d I =ere 'lo&e =ith her.
So,e phleg, )',e +ro, her l!&gs '&d r'& o!t o+
her ,o!th. 9iH =iped it '='y =ith ' tiss!e '&d I
tho!ght( %iz is the mother now$ doing the motherly
things.
#e "oth "e)',e *!iet. Ti,e see,ed to stop. There
='s ' "ig sp')e =here 'll three o+ !s see,ed to "e
holdi&g o!r "re'th. 7','Fs +')e loo$ed so livi&g. Th'tFs
=h't h'd +ooled ,e the &ight "e+ore. Her +')e ='s
l!,i&o!s. Sever'l ti,es the sp')e "et=ee& her "re'ths
='s so lo&g th't I tho!ght she ='s de'd( "!t she
"re'thed 'g'i&.
The& she )losed her eyes. At th't ,o,e&t( the
r'di'&)e see,ed to rele'se itsel+ +ro, her +')e '&d
dis'ppe'r. She did&Ft "re'the 'g'i&. I do&Ft re,e,"er i+
=e )ried. I thi&$ =e =ere sile&t. I thi&$ =e G!st loo$ed 't
her. She ='s go&e. I se'r)hed 'ro!&d the roo, +or her
spirit. #he& ,y +irst h!s"'&d died( his spirit st'yed i&
the roo, +or '"o!t ' ho!r. I )o!ld +eel it. 7',' ='s&Ft
there. She ='s go&e. .!st the& ' th!&der)l'p split the
s$y ope&. A de'+e&i&g so!&d o+ r'i&.
I slipped .oh'&&' So='Fs ros'ry( ,y gre't
gr'&d,otherFs ros'ry =ith the ti&y "e'ds( o!t o+ the
,edi)i&e po!)h 'ro!&d ,y &e)$ '&d l'id it o& 7','Fs
"re'st =ith the )r!)i+iD over her he'rt.
I held her h'&d. She ='s still ='r,. Her )olor
slo=ly +'ded( the ,'r$i&gs o+ 'ge o& her h'&d
dis'ppe'red 's i+ "y ,'gi). 89et ,e hold yo! o&)e
"e+ore yo! +ly.:
9iH '&d I s't( o&e o& either side o+ o!r ,otherFs
155
"ody. #e t'l$ed. So,e o+ it ='s "!si&ess. #h't do they
&eed 't the +!&er'l ho,e> Do =e h've )lothes +or her>
Do they &eed ' pi)t!re> #he& do they &eed these
thi&gs> So,e o+ it ='s ,ir')le. Did yo! see =h't I s'=>
The light> Do yo! thi&$ =e ')t!'lly s'= her le've>
9iH "eg'& to t'$e 7','Fs thi&gs do=& +ro, the
='lls( +ro, o!t o+ the dr'=ers( the pi)t!res( the )lothes.
7ost o+ the )lothes did&Ft re'lly "elo&g to herI they =ere
h'&d1,e1do=&s +ro, other =o,e& =ho died. #h't ='s
le+t o+ hers> So little. Not e&o!gh to +ill ' "oD. She h'd
let go o+ everythi&g. She dispossessed hersel+. The poor
i& spirit. The )hild =ho h'd &othi&g o+ her o=&. 86&less
yo! "e)o,e 's little )hildre&(: .es!s s'id. 9iH ='&ted to
do this &o=( org'&iHe thi&gs. It helped her )ope.
#e le+t ,ost o+ the )lothes. I ='&ted her h't( her
t'ttered "lo!se =ith the gree& '&d "!rg!&dy +lo=ers.
She =ore it so o+te&. 9iH too$ the vest I )ro)heted. The
"!r&t or'&ge '+gh'& I ,'de ='s lost.
It ='s G!st p'st &oo&. #e did&Ft ='&t to "e there
=he& the he'rse 'rrived. #e ='&ted to le've her 's she
='s( there i& "ed. ;thers =o!ld )'re +or her "ody.
#e too$ her h'&ds '&d +or,ed ' )ir)le. #e s'&g
87'y the Ro'd Rise 6p to 7eet Yo!.: Yo! 're the love
o+ ,y he'rt. <ood &ight.
I too$ the ros'ry '&d p!t it "')$ i&to the ,edi)i&e
po!)h. 9iH )rossed 7','Fs h'&ds over her he'rt. She
l'!ghed G!st ' little '&d )o,,e&ted th't 7',' &ever i&
her li+e held her h'&ds G!st li$e th't. 9iH st'rted +or the
)'r. I stood 'lo&e =ith 7','Fs "ody +or ' ,o,e&t.
<od1speed( 7','. I $issed her. I t!r&ed '&d
='l$ed +ro, the roo,.
15A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
This is ho= 0yro& -'tie )'& s'y there is &o de'th.
%or, is 'll th't dies '&d( eve& i& th't eve&t =e )'ll
8de'th(: +or, is &ot eli,i&'ted( si,ply )h'&ged(
tr'&s+or,ed( "ro!ght "')$ '&d hidde& i& <od.
All o+ E'ster d'y I 'llo= ,ysel+ to +lo= +ro, +or,
to +or,. The +or, o+ "re'd do!gh risi&g. The +or, o+
roses( )!t( pl')ed i& ' v'se. The +or, o+ "ird so&g +ro,
' dist'&)e. The +or, o+ .oh& '&d his "rother 'rg!i&g
politi)s. The +or, o+ spri&g gree& hills. The +or, o+
C'li+or&i' poppies &oddi&g i& the =i&d. I ', &ot this
"ody. This "ody is "!t o&e o+ the +or,s I t'$e. 7y
,other is &ot de'd. Her li+e is hidde& =ith Christ( i&
<od.
156
9I/IN< A %699 9I%E
It is r're +or 0yro& -'tie to ,eet =ith ' gro!p '&d
&ot "e 's$ed '"o!t de'th. A =o,'&( eyes "ri,,i&g =ith
te'rs( 's$s '"o!t her +'ther =ho re)e&tly died. A ,'&
=ith )'&)er s'ys he +e'rs his de'th. 0yro& respo&ds
ge&tly. #h't +ollo=s is ' )o,pil'tio& o+ those
respo&ses.
I+ IF, to "e '='re o+ livi&g ' +!ll li+e( I ,!st "e
s!))ess+!l i& dyi&g ' tho!s'&d ti,es e')h d'y. Every
"elie+ I let go o+ is de'th ? de'th o+ old )o&)eptsP"elie+s
th't do&Ft serve( "elie+s p'ssed o& +ro, the "egi&&i&g
tho!ght( th't yo! )'ll ti,e.
#he& h!,'&s "elieve de'th to "e ' terri"le thi&g
'&d do&Ft ='&t it '&d they "elieve th't '&ythi&g
thre'te&i&g their s'+ety =ill )'!se de'th( they si,ply 're
livi&g i& the +e'r th't they =ill 8$ill: their "odies( '&d
there+ore die. De'th is ' s=eet( =o&der+!l thi&g th't h's
"ee& distorted. ;&e ='y yo! )'& $&o= th't is to $&o=
th't 'll h!,'& thi&$i&g is ' ,irror i,'ge !&less it )o,es
+ro, ' pl')e =here there is &o )o&tr')tio& +elt o& the
"ody d!ri&g the tho!ght.
I+ yo! thi&$ o+ i&G!ry to yo!r "ody( yo! '!to,'ti)'lly
'&d( perh'ps( !&)o&s)io!sly 're eDperie&)i&g
o+ de'th. -&o= th't yo!r tho!ght is i&s'&e. %or
eD',ple( I )'& thi&$ '"o!t t'$i&g '& 'irpl'&e '&d( i+ it
=ere to )r'sh( I =o!ld "e pe')e+!l o& the ='y do=&
"e)'!se I $&o= ho= very "e'!ti+!l the ,o,e&t to
,o,e&t o+ li+e is. #hy =o!ld I ,iss the trip do=& "y
15C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
proGe)ti&g =h't is&Et> N',ely( de'th. There is o&ly o&e
de'th: the +'lli&g '='y o+ !&tr!e "elie+.
Every ti,e yo! go o& ' trip yo! le've everythi&g
yo! h've here. Yo! le've yo!r he'rtFs desires. Yo! le've
yo!r ho,e '&d yo!r i&terests '&d yo!r +',ily ? the
sy,"ols yo! hold ,ost de'r( =h't yo! thi&$ yo! live
+or. 0!t yo! le've. Yo! G!st do it. ;&ly yo!r tho!ghts
th't yo! get to go "')$ ho,e to the, ,'$es yo!
)o,+ort'"le =ith le'vi&g. I+ yo! +elt yo! )o!ld &ever go
"')$ there 'g'i&( itFs possi"le th't yo! =o!ld "e +eeli&g
'll $i&ds o+ tor,e&t.
To le've is 's good 's to st'y. I+ yo! 're sitti&g 't
ho,e '&d yo! do&Ft ='&t to le've "!t so,eo&e )'lls '&d
s'ys( 89etFs go to Dis&eyl'&d(: 'll o+ ' s!dde& yo! ='&t
to le've. This is the re'so& yo! do&Ft ='&t to die. Yo!
do&Ft h've the higher i&+or,'tio&. Yo! do&Et tr!st de'th.
It is ' l')$ o+ +'ith to s'y th't livi&g is higher th'& =h't
=e )'ll de'th. This is i&s'&e( !pside do=& thi&$i&g th't
$eeps !s +ro, livi&g 9i+e i& this ,o,e&t( i& Re'lity.
Yo!r ego h's to terri+y yo! 'll the ti,e or yo!
=o!ld go ho,e to <od i& the "ody 's I h've do&e. This
is =h't IF, here to live. #he& =e 're o!t o+ thi&$i&g(
=he& =e let go o+ h'vi&g to $&o= 'll the =hys( =he&s(
=heres ? the& everythi&g th't Is "e)o,es visi"le. The
)o&s)io!s&ess o+ the Is&ess( the s',e 's de'th( )o,es
thro!gh.
The Is&ess is$ =itho!t eDte&sio&. There is &o
per)eptio&( +or,( tho!ght. This is so,eti,es s)'ry +or
h!,'&s "e)'!se they do&Ft eDp'&d their )o&s)io!s&ess
e&o!gh to gr'sp this( so they st'y terri+ied. The per+e)1
tio& is i&)o&)eiv'"le( espe)i'lly th't it )o!ld )o,e +ro,
"ei&g still '&d *!iet '&d +ree o+ !seless "elie+sI +ree o+
"elie+s th't( o+ the,selves 're !seless. I+ h!,'&s )'&Ft
152
"elieve they )'& )re'te so,ethi&g( 's i+ they =ere gods(
they te&d to "elieve they 're &ot +!l+illi&g their p!rpose.
;!r p!rpose is si,ply to $&o= o!rselves 's th't th't =e
're. Cre'tio& is 'lre'dy )re'ted. C'&Ft yo! see>
I& the Is&ess =e ,erge =ith <od. #e dis)over th't
,ergi&g =he& =e go "')$ to the he'rt pl')e '&d to!)h
Ho,e. #e 'll ye'r& +or '&d h've the '"ility o+ goi&g
there ? goi&g Ho,e. 0!t every "elie+Ptho!ght: =e h've
t'$es !s '='y +ro, <od. This 'g'i& is de'th. It is '
)o&s)io!s de'th. So to ='$e +ro, erro&eo!s "elie+: th't
is 9i+eJ 9iter'lly( h!,'&s live i& dyi&g. 9ive to dieJ A&d
=e +e'r =h't =e live +orJ
So,eti,es =e +e'r the sorro= =e thi&$ o!r de'th
=o!ld "ri&g to those =e love. 0!t o!r "eloveds =o!ld
,ove right 'lo&g. 9oo$ 't '&y +',ily =ho h's lost
so,eo&e '&d p'y 'tte&tio& to ho= they 'dG!st.
ED)essive grievi&g )'& de,o&str'te ' lot o+
proGe)tio&. There is p'i& i&( 8#ho is goi&g to t'$e )'re
o+ ,e> #h't ', I goi&g to do =itho!t her> ;h( ,y <odJ
I )'&Ft live =itho!t herJ: Those 're their tho!ghts. #h't
they 're goi&g to do is go to =or$( )le'& the ho!se( )'rry
o&. They =ill do everythi&g they do( 's i+ yo! =ere o&ly
go&e +or the =ee$e&d. ED)ept( they 're goi&g to )'rry o&
'll the ,e&t'l p'i& '&d the proGe)t o+ 8poor ,e( ,y
"eloved is go&eJ: #h't ' per+e)t opport!&ity to s!++erJ
8I =ill !se yo!r de'th to s!++erJ: 6lti,'te sel+ish&essJ
8Yo! )'&Ft )'!se the, p'i& '&d s!++eri&g. Th't is
theirs. The +')t is th't o& the d'y o+ yo!r +!&er'l they
=ill =o&der( 8#ho is goi&g to do the dishes> #ho is
goi&g to se&d the th'&$ yo! &otes> #here 're the g!ests
goi&g to sleep to&ight>:
They 're goi&g to !se yo! i& the &',e o+ 8oor ,eJ
oor ,eJ ;h( she ='s so =o&der+!lJ: All these
159
A CRY IN THE DESERT
,')hi&'tio&s 're their proo+ th't it is legiti,'te to
s!++er. I =o!ld s'y( 8Do&Ft s!++er i& ,y &',eJ:
I& ,y Re'lity( de'th is 9i+e. The o&ly di++ere&)e is
o!r opi&io&. I te')h o&e: the =orld te')hes the other.
;&e servesI the other =o&Ft. I )hoose the o&e th't serves.
This is s'&ityJ To del!de ,ysel+ i&to thi&$i&g de'th is
"'d is i&s'&e. No o&e $&o=s th't de'th is "'d.
#e loo$ 't the s!rvivors o+ the de'th o+ ' "eloved
'&d =e s'y( 8;h( itFs "'d.: Not tr!eJ ;&ly +or the poor
del!ded people =ho 're le+t "ehi&d =ho 're )hoosi&g
s!++eri&g. 8I did&Ft do e&o!gh. I did&Ft tell hi, =h't I
sho!ld h've "e+ore he died. #ho is goi&g to t'$e )'re o+
,e> #h't ', I goi&g to doI heFs &ot here> eople !se
this "e'!ti+!l eDiste&)e o+ li+e to s!++erJ #h't they )'ll
de'th I )'ll ' Cele"r'tio& o+ 9i+e. 0e)'!se they )'&Ft see
it th't ='y( it "e)o,es ' legiti,'te opport!&ity to s!++er.
;&e o+ the "iggest dr','s =e )'& )re'te is s!++eri&g.
De'th o+ ' )lose o&e is ' &e= opport!&ity to give ,e
=h't they g've ,e '&d to 'ppre)i'te )re'tively 's I do it.
The ego !ses the tho!ght o+ de'th to sep'r'te !s
+ro, <od. The ego is ' tho!ght syste, =e perpet!'te
thro!gh the ge&er'tio&s '&d e')h perso& "!ilds o& it.
The ego s'ys =e h'd "etter "e '+r'id. It p'rti)!l'rly h's
its po=er i& o!r +e'r o+ de'th. So =e he'r( 8#'t)h o!t(
do&Ft r!& i& the street.: The& =e h've ,'&y tho!ghts
'"o!t "ei&g h!rt( or "ei&g $illed( or "ei&g i&)'p')it'ted(
or "ei&g i& s!++eri&g( '&d =e "!ild o& those tho!ghts
=ith 'll $i&ds o+ +'&t'sies. Eve&t!'lly( i+ the distortio&
o+ thi&$i&g is stro&g e&o!gh( =e "egi& to st'y i& the
ho!se "e)'!se o+ the +e'r. A&d the ego )o&ti&!es to
terri+y !s =ith other tho!ghts '&d "elie+s. I te')h: Do&Ft
"e )'re+!lI yo! ,ight h!rt yo!rsel+.
#he& =e h've '& i&t!itive tho!ght it is o!r i&1
to!)h1&ess =ith the Cre'tor. 0!t the& =e thi&$( 8This is
1A3
,y o=& ide'(: '&d th't tho!ght the ego t'$es over the
)re'tio&( the gi+t( the divi&e&ess( '&d the tr!e +lo= stops.
The ego "elieves it is i& )o&trolI the& =e e++ort( =e pl'&(
=e =orry( =e =or$ h'rder "e)'!se the ego is i& +e'r i+ it
thi&$s it is&Ft i& )o&trol. %e'r is "!ilt !po& ' ,!ltit!de o+
"elie+s '&d its &',e is dis1e'se. 0ody +ollo=s ,i&d '&d
re+le)ts this visi"ly. Th't is &ot livi&g. #e live =he& =e
're i& &o&"elie+ ? ope&( ='iti&g( tr!sti&g '&d lovi&g to
do the thi&g 'ppe'ri&g i& +ro&t o+ !s.
9i+e is 'v'il'"le =he& =e let go o+ old )o&)epts
th't do&Ft serve !s. There is o&ly the de'th o+ the ego.
Everythi&g other th'& the lie is .oy '&d 9i+e. This is
Tr!th. #e )'& $&o= it thro!gh o!r so&s( d'!ghters(
+rie&ds( h!s"'&ds( '&d =ives. They( li$e the "ody(
'ppe'r 's the re+le)tio& o+ o!r ,i&ds "o!&)i&g "')$ th't
=e ,'y see o!rselves.
Yo! ,ove tot'lly '='y +ro, the ,i&d o+
<odP<ood =he& yo! "elieve yo! h've ' legiti,'te
re'so& to s!++er. It is the st'te o+ the !lti,'te
A&ti1Christ. eople )'& the& s'y( 8;h( =hy did she
le'veI =hy did she le've>: ;&e '&s=er is( 8<od is G!st '
re'l so&1o+1'1"it)h. The& they )'& re'lly $eep
the,selves de'd si)$. The Tr!th o+ 8#hy did she le've:
is: 8SheFs go&eJ: Ho= do =e $&o= itFs +or the "est>
SheFs go&eJ Re'lity is. Ho= do =e $&o=> Here it is.
-&o= there is &o de'thJ Dise'sed )ells stop
re+le)ti&g "')$( =ill rel'D '&d stop ,!ltiplyi&g =he&
yo! $&o= this. #he& yo! 're t'$i&g ,edi)i&e or doi&g
so,ethi&g to $ill s!)h )ells 's )'&)er( $&o= they 're
s!pre,e i& their i&tellige&)e. They 're the "odyI they
=ill s!rvive !&told o"st')les. Yet they 're ,!t'tio&s '&d
they 're ,'sters. They thrive o& +e'rJ They 're +e'r.
#he& there is &o +e'r re+le)ti&g +ro, ,i&d( they rel'D
'&d "e)o,e this "e'!ti+!l "le&d o+ the syste, '&d +'ll
'='y. 0!t 's
1A1
A CRY IN THE DESERT
yo! 're s)'ri&g yo! K+e'r o+ de'th( =hi)h is to s'y(
tho!ghts opposite o+ <odP<oodL( tho!ghts re+le)t "')$
's =h't =e )'ll )'&)er )ells. C'll it +e'r( &ot )'&)er. C'll
it !&tr!e "elie+ syste,s( &ot )'&)er. -&o= yo!rsel+. Yo!
're yo!r )'&)er. Yo! 're the so,ethi&g th't +eeds yo!r
de'th. It is&Ft o&ly )'&)er )ells "!t '&y dise'se =e h've
)re'ted th't =e &',e +oreig& to o!r syste,. Ho= )'& I
$&o= ,y ,i&d i+ ,y "ody does&Ft re+le)t ,i&d "')$ to
,e> C'!se '&d e++e)t. <od is good ? I )re'te )'&)er
thi&$i&g other=ise.
%e'r is ' +!ll1ti,e .o". %e'r is the h!,'& )o&ditio&
=he& =e +orget. %orgetti&g is ' =ord +or p'i& '&d
s!++eri&g. Re,e,"eri&g is pe')e '&d he've&.
6&le'r& +e'r. 7'$e Tr!th 'v'il'"le to yo!rsel+.
Yo! do&Ft $&o= =h't de'th is. I+ yo! did( yo! =o!ld
reGoi)e. T'$e the po=er +ro, the =ord. Every ti,e yo!
thi&$ the =ord death$ thi&$ %ife. %e'r is si,ple to thi&$.
Yo! )o!ld lose so,ethi&g or &ot get so,ethi&g. Yo! die
over the +e'r o+ the so,ethi&g( "!t =he& yo! loo$ 't the
+e'r i& Tr!th it 'l='ys "re'$s do=& to yo!r ,i&d "ei&g
'+r'id o+ dyi&g.
I& h!,'&$i&d =e h've "ee& t'!ght erro&eo!s
"elie+s. I+ yo! reverse these "elie+s '&d go to the other
pol'rity or opposite ide'( yo! pretty ,!)h h've the
Tr!th. I ='&t to reiter'te: I+ yo! 're i& +e'r( yo! &eed to
t!r& +ro, th't +e'r '&d ill!sio& to='rd the opposite pole
i& order to "e i& Tr!th. #he& yo! +i&d ' "'l'&)e =ith
this( yo! "e)o,e ' respe)ter o+ 9i+e '&d the 6&$&o=&.
There is ' "odily dis)o,+ort =he& the tho!ght is i&
+e'r. #e )'ll this ' +eeli&g. #ith pr')ti)e yo! )'& le'r&
to ')$&o=ledge the +eeli&gFs origi&. %or so,e people it
is ' t=ist i& the sol'r pleD!s or ' p'i& i& the g!t. Th't is
the $ey. Th't is ho= =e )'& !se the "ody. It is the $ey
th't yo! h've G!st +or,ed '& ide' th't does&Ft =or$. It
1A4
does&Ft ,ove to='rd pe')e. Yo! go i&side yo!rsel+ '&d
's$: 8Is this '& ho&est tho!ght> #h'tFs i& it +or ,e to
h've this tho!ght> C'& I $&o= '&ythi&g "!t good(
re'lly>:
A& eD',ple is: 87y +'ther is 'rrog'&t.: This is
ge&er'lly &ot ' pe')e+!l tho!ght. %eel the )o&tr')tio& i&
the "ody( perh'ps i& the he'rt( the sol'r pleD!s( the g!t(
the &e)$. The& yo! )'& re'liHe th't yo! ='&t hi, to "e
di++ere&t. Yo! do&Ft ='&t hi, to "e hi,sel+( to h've his
o=& tho!ghts( to "e his o=& perso&. Yo! ='&t hi, to "e
'&d do everythi&g i& the ='y yo! =o!ld de,'&d i+ yo!
)o!ld. Yo! h've proGe)ted yo!r o=& 'rrog'&)e o&to
hi,( o&to so,eo&e o!tside yo!rsel+. Re'liHi&g yo!r o=&
'rrog'&)e =ill 'llo= yo! to rele'se hi, to "e =ho he is.
The& yo! 're +ree too. Yo! 're +ree +ro, '&ger(
'rrog'&)e( +e'r( p'i&( '&d "odily )o&tr')tio&. Yo! h've
ret!r&ed Ho,e to e')e '&d .oy.
7y +'ther is 'rrog'&t> I ', 'rrog'&t to thi&$ ,y
+'ther is 'rrog'&t. It is ,y 'rrog'&)e i& th't o&e si,ple
.!dg,e&t th't si)$e&s ,y "ody. Ho= else )o!ld I $&o=
,y ,i&d is o++> Th'&$ yo!( "ody( +or re+le)ti&g ,y
,i&d. To )h'&ge K,yL +'ther is hopeless. C'& I
re)og&iHe ,y o=& 'rrog'&t G!dg,e&t o+ hi,> #he& I
)'& see it is &ot hi,( it is me( IF, h'l+='y Ho,e. #he& I
)'& see ,y o&ly g!ilt ='s ,y error i& thi&$i&g( IF,
he'led =holly.
#he& yo! "elieve others sho!ld thi&$ '&d ')t 's
yo! do( it is 'l='ys goi&g to )'!se dise'se o& yo!r "ody.
Al='ysJ It t'$es ' gre't de'l o+ )o&s)io!s&ess to !&der1
st'&d this( "!t yo! h've "ee& G!dgi&g th't p'rt o+ =ho
you 're( yo!r so!l( =he& yo! G!dge so,eo&e else.
.!dgi&g is 'g'i&st the pri&)iple o+ 9ove. #he& yo!
G!dge the eDperie&)es other people )hoose( yo! 're o!t
o+ Tr!th. They &eed to )hoose their o=& eDperie&)es( to
1AB
A CRY IN THE DESERT
+!l+ill their o=& so!l Go!r&ey. Yo! &eed to do yo!r o=&.
So yo! "ri&g it "')$ i&to yo!rsel+: 8He is &o $i&d o+
+'therJ ... NoJ I ', &o $i&d o+ so& to G!dge hi, 's =h't I
)'&&ot $&o=.: He is o++ the hoo$. Yo! do&Ft h've to
)o&tr')t '&d "e i& dis1e'se. Yo! 're )orre)ted. He is
livi&g his li+e the ='y he is )hoosi&g. There 're three
$i&ds o+ "!si&ess: ,y "!si&ess( yo!r "!si&ess( '&d <odFs
"!si&ess. I+ I st'y o&ly i& ,y "!si&ess( I =ill "e he'ledJ
Alert yo!rsel+ to the Tr!th. #h't is it yo! thi&$ yo!
're '"o!t to lose> #h't is it yo! ='&t> Noti)e )'re+!lly(
"e)'!se these 're +e'r tho!ghts '&d =ill )'!se yo! p'i&
'&d ,isery. The& 's$ yo!rsel+: 8Do ,y tho!ghts =or$ to
,'$e ,e h'ppy> Do they "ri&g ,e Goy> I h've ' )hoi)eI
do I )hoose 9i+e or de'th>: Yo! h've this opport!&ity
every ,o,e&t. It is&Ft l'ter. It is i& every ,o,e&tJ
9etti&g go. 6&le'r&i&g. 6&le'r&i&g th't there is de'th
other th'& i& yo!r thi&$i&g.
Yo! 're dyi&g every ,o,e&t yo! do&Ft )hoose to
)orre)t tr!ly '& ide' th't does&Ft "ri&g pe')e. 9ivi&g i&
Tr!th is =h't .oy is. A&ythi&g short o+ th't is =here
de'th is. A&d ide's )o,e i&to th't de'th ? li$e 8;h ,y
<od( IE, goi&g to die '&d it ,!st "e terri"leJ: #e ,!st
!&le'r& th't.
There is o&ly 9i+e. De'th is '& ide'. 9i+e is re'l.
Th't is =hy it is so p'i&+!l =he& =e do&Ft $&o= th't.
eople ='l$ 'ro!&d i& the p'i&+!l physi)'l res!lt o+
,i&d '&d +orget the Tr!th th't 9i+e is .oyJ
S!++eri&g is G!st s!++eri&g. I+ I lose th't preG!di)e( I
do&Ft h've to s!++er '&y,ore. IFve )hose& to )h'&ge ,y
,i&d '&d &ot s!++er '&y,ore. The ='y I )hoose to live
is i& .oy. I& Re'lity( I )hoose &ot to s!++er '&y ,ore.
Every perso& sho!ld stop '&d thi&$: 8#he& did I s!++er
l'st eD)ept i& ,y ,i&d>:
1A5
To live i& +e'r is the i&'"ility to dis)er& Re'lity.
Yo! 're livi&g i& the +e'r o+ =h't yo! per)eive 's the
6&$&o=&( '&d +e'r o+ the 6&$&o=& is the +e'r o+ de'th.
It is +e'r i& 9i+e th't =e 're eDperie&)i&g
%e'r o+ de'th is +e'r o+ 9i+e. This is ' very high
'='re&ess. E')h ti,e yo! ,ove '='y +ro, the pe')e
this '='re&ess "ri&gs( yo! h've to loo$ 't the tho!ghts
th't p!ll yo! '='y. The& yo! 're give& '"ility to he'l
the tho!ghts( '&d yo! )'& rele'se the, '&d go "')$
ho,e 'g'i&( "')$ i&to the gr')e o+ <ood( i&to pe')e.
#he& yo! step o!t o+ the +e'r '&d i&to Tr!th( the
livi&g is right there i& +ro&t o+ yo! to "e eDperie&)ed
&o=. 0e)'!se it is the 6&$&o=& '&d )o,es !p 's =e
per)eive it( =e )'&Ft pl'& or plot it. It is =o&der+!l(
Goy+!l 9i+e. Th't is =hy the =ords 8I ', 'v'il'"le 're so
i,port'&t. Yo! )'& "e 'v'il'"le to the Cre'tor( to the
Cre'tio&( to the 0ody o+ <od.
I& ,y de'th eDperie&)es( I re'liHed I +ell i&to '
)o&s)io!s st'te th't is ,!)h higher th'& =h't I eDperi1
e&)ed "e+ore. Th't is =h't I ', here to report. There
&ever h's "ee& ' de'th. There &ever =ill "e ' de'th.
E')h ti,e I h've eDperie&)ed =h't people )'ll 8le'vi&g
the "ody(: I re'liHe th't &ot o&)e h've I re'lly le+t. #e
do&Ft le've the "ody. There is &o=here to go. #e 're
This No=. Everythi&g is )o&s)io!s&ess. All o!r so1
)'lled ,ille&&i' o+ te')hi&gs h've "ee& th't <od '&d
de'th 're o!tside o+ !sJ Not tr!e i& ,y eDperie&)e. #e
're This( No= '&d No= '&d No=J
This is the other re'l,. This is the All Th't Is. ;!t
o+ tho!ght yo! )'& $&o= th't. Yo!J Yo! )'& $&o= th't
tooJ I ', here to report to people. I+ I ', the '='re&ess
o+ Co&s)io!s&ess1;"servi&g1Itsel+( yo! 're th't
eDperie&)e( too.
1AA
A CRY IN THE DESERT
A CRY IN THE DESERT
THE CRY IN ;6R S;69S
I ', )'!ght "y =h't I do &ot ='&t to tell. 0yro&
-'tie s'ys to =rite. #e 're the s',e( she s'ys. Th'tFs
+i&e =he& it ,e'&s I ', the "e'!ti+!l o&e I see i& +ro&t
o+ ,e( =he& I loo$ i& her eyes '&d see the love there.
0!t IFve he'rd the stories o+ her p'st. They )'lled her
8hell o& =heels.: They )'lled her 8$iller.: They ,e'&t
th't she )o!ld =or$ ' de'l( get ,o&ey( "e po=er+!l. I
do&Ft ='&t to repe't this story "e)'!se I do&Ft ='&t to
re')h i&to ,ysel+ =here I ', th't o&e. I do&Ft ='&t to
see ,y o=& d'r$ side.
.!st let yo!r +i&gers tell it( 0yro& -'tie s'ys. She
s'ys( 8Tell it( ho&ey.: She $&o=s =e 'll 're this o&e( 'll
the s',e o&e( 'll =ith this d'r$&ess I do&Ft ='&t to see. I
resist her. %or ' ye'r I resist. I let other people tell the
story: her ,other( her )hildre&( her +irst h!s"'&d. I tell
,ysel+ they $&o= "etter. I le've the story i& their =ords.
I $&o= IFve +'iled ,ysel+ '&d yo!. I prete&d I do&Ft
$&o=. The "oo$ is 'l,ost re'dy +or the press. A =o,'&
)'lls ,e o& the pho&e. A&other )o,es to ,y ho!se.
They re'd the ,'&!s)ript. They tell ,e so,ethi&g is
=ro&g.
IFve =ritte& the +')ts. IFve &ot =ritte& the =hole
Tr!th. Tr!th shi&es 's the esse&)e o+ everythi&g. It is the
9ight shi&i&g i& d'r$&ess. It is the so!r)e o+ every )ry.
#e 're e')h ' )ry i& the desert. As lo&g 's I de&y
th't )ry( I )'&Ft $&o= this =o,'&( this 0yro& -'tie. I
)'&Ft $&o= ,ysel+. The )ry is ' st!,"li&g "lo)$. It is '
)ry o!t o+ everythi&g th'tFs d'r$( 'go&iHi&g( dyi&g. It is
the )ry o+ de'th. It is the )ry 't the edge o+ ' li+e o+
1A2
dre',s. This )ry re&ds the dre',( te'rs it li$e p'per( li$e
)loth( li$e ' ,'s$. This )ry ='$es !s !p to Re'lity.
There is ;&e. ;&e )ry. ;&e '='$e&i&g. ;&e Tr!th.
She is "or&. ;&e d'y she thi&$s she is &ot loved.
She "!ilds ' li+e o& th't tho!ght. She holds her li+e '&d
sh'$es it( de,'&di&g to "e loved. She does =h'tever she
$&o=s ho=. She ,'rries( ,'$es )hildre&( ,'$es ,o&ey(
,'$es de'ls( ,'$es her ,'s$( '&d is )o&)e'led "ehi&d it
eve& +ro, hersel+. She is lost. She is '&gry. She is
desper'te. She )ries o!t. The ,'s$ te'rs.
Her story is th't si,ple.
She =restles =ith her de,o& '&d is =o!&ded. She
='$es !p +ro, her dre', '&d +i&ds th't she is the 9ove.
Her story is th't '&)ie&t.
She is =h't =e 'll 're. To $&o= her story I ,!st
+i&d it i& ,ysel+.
No o&e is eDe,pted +ro, this =or$.
So,e ti,e( ho!rs or d'ys( '+ter ,eeti&g 0yro&
-'tie( people "egi& 's$i&g ho= she )',e to "e the )le'r(
lovi&g( Goyo!s =o,'& th't she is. 8#ere yo! 'l='ys li$e this>:
they 's$. 8#h't h'ppe&ed to ,'$e yo! this ='y> #h't is yo!r
story> 8
She s,iles '&d tries to tell o+ her li+e "e+ore
'='$e&i&g. She does&Ft eD')tly 8re,e,"er: i& the
)o,,o& ='y =e !&derst'&d =h't it is to re,e,"er. She
lives =itho!t '& eDperie&)e o+ ti,e.
The p'st is &o&eDiste&t. Everythi&g is &o=. She
spe'$s i& s&ippets o+ =h't =e =o!ld )'ll her p'st eDpe1
rie&)e. She tells the )hro&ology( 's it ,'$es itsel+
prese&t to her. ;&e ,!st liste& to her o+te& i& order to
)olle)t the pie)es '&d +it the, together. Eve& the& the
story ,'y &ot "e )o,plete.
1A9
A CRY IN THE DESERT
It does&Ft ,'tter. It is everyo&eFs story. This is =h't
0yro& -'tie tells ,e =he& I )o,pl'i& th't I do&Ft $&o=
the +')ts =ell e&o!gh to =rite '"o!t her. #h't she
thi&$s o+ 's her 8'!to"iogr'phy: i&)l!des !s 'll. The
det'ils o+ her li+e "e+ore '='$e&i&g 're se)o&d'ry i+ &ot
!&&e)ess'ry. 8#rite '"o!t yo!rsel+(: she s,iles. 8It is
'll the s',e.:
I go to her +',ily( her ,other( )hildre&( h!s"'&d(
'&d +or,er h!s"'&d. I thi&$ th't "e)'!se o+ her =e'lth(
po=er( gl',o!r( '&d the loss o+ these thi&gs( I =ill +i&d
' dr',' o+ e&or,o!s p!"li) i&terest. 0!t =h't I +i&d is
so,ethi&g I do&Ft ='&t to =rite.
S!++eri&g( I dis)over( is ' ph'&to, th't )'& &'rro=
the "o!&d'ries o+ o!r =orlds '&d drive !s i&s'&e i+ =e
"elieve th't it is re'l. At the poi&t o+ dis'ppe'r'&)e( the
s!++erer )ries o!t. This is the )ry th't re&ds the te,ple
veil( splits ope& the ill!sio& =e )re'te( '&d ='$es !s !p.
It is the )ry i& the desert.
163
#HAT ANY;NE 7I<HT 0E
She ='s "or& 0yro& -'thlee& Reid o& '& i)y
De)e,"er 6th i& 0re)$e&ridge( TeD's. It ='s ='rti,e(
1954. 0yro&Fs ,other( 7'rio&( h'd ret!r&ed ho,e to
TeD's =ith her +o!r1ye'r1old d'!ghter Sh'ro&. 7'rio&
='&ted to "e =ith her o=& ,other( .'&ie C',p"ell(
d!ri&g those l'st ,o&ths o+ preg&'&)y. Ti,es =ere h'rd
i& C'li+or&i' =here 7'rio& lived =ith her h!s"'&d(
Rod&ey( '&d their d'!ghter. Rod&ey !sed to h've ' Go"
i& TeD's "!t ='r r'tio&i&g sh!t do=& the g'soli&e
distri"!ti&g )o,p'&y i& 0re)$e&ridge. He +o!&d ' &e=
Go" =ith the r'ilro'd i& C'li+or&i'.
0re)$e&ridge( TeD's ='s ' to=& o+ !&der te&
tho!s'&d people. #hile 7'rio& ='s gro=i&g !p( it ='s
"oo,i&g. ;il '&d ,o&ey g!shed. The& the depressio&
hit. 7'rio& le'ves it 't th't 's tho!gh o&e o!ght to
$&o=( +eel the slipp'ge( the sile&)es i& the streets( the
"ig p!,ps )losi&g do=&.
0yro&Fs ,other spe'$s i& to&es o+ ' ='r, TeD's
'+ter&oo&. SheFs i& her eighties &o= '&d lives i&
C'li+or&i'( "!t she ='s "')$ i& TeD's =he& her se)o&d
d'!ghter )',e slippi&g i&to the =orld i& thirty ,i&!tes
+l't o& th't )old '&d i)y De)e,"er d'y. 8It ='s very(
very )old +or th't p'rt o+ TeD's. There ='s i)e '&d s&o=
o& the gro!&d( =hi)h ='s &ot !s!'l. #e got !p '&d I
dressed Sh'ro&( the oldest( +or S!&d'y S)hool. She ='s
the o&ly o&e I h'd 't th't ti,e. I ='l$ed her to the
)h!r)h. I did&Ft re'liHe =h't I ='s getti&g i&to ? re'dy to
h've ' "'"y '&d t'$i&g '& i)y( s&o=y ='l$ ? "!t I did it
'll the s',e. I +elt !&)o,+ort'"le "!t I did&Ft re'lly
eDpe)t to h've the "'"y th't &ight.:
161
A CRY IN THE DESERT
She dropped Sh'ro& o++ '&d ,'de her ='y to '
lo)'l rest'!r'&t( ' g'theri&g pl')e +or people i& to=&( '
pl')e to get the &e=s( gossip ' "it( ='r, her h'&ds
'ro!&d ' ste',i&g )!p o+ )o++ee.
The ='r +illed every"odyFs ,i&ds. 7'rio&Fs older
"rother( Tho,'s( ='s 'lre'dy overse's. Seve&1
tee&1ye'r1old #illi', h'd sig&ed !p '&d ='s ='iti&g
'ro!&d the ho!se to "e )'lled. Eve& her sister( EliH'"eth(
h'd le+t her Go" =ith <e&er'l 7otors to Goi& the #ACS.
All "!t Tho,'s '&d 7'rio&Fs eldest sister( Dorothy( =ho
h'd her h'&ds +!ll =ith ' +',ily o+ her o=&( =ere ho,e
th't S!&d'y ='iti&g =ith 7'rio&( $&o=i&g the "'"y
=o!ld )o,e soo&. 8They $ept ,e ',!sed d!ri&g the
d'y(: 7'rio& re,e,"ers( "!t i& the eve&i&g they le+t to
do =h'tever yo!&g people do =he& thereFs ' ='r goi&g
o& '&d they ,ight soo& "e overse's. 7'rio& '&d her
,other =ere 'lo&e =he& the l'"or p'i& "eg'&.
9ittle Sh'ro& slept. She )o!ld&Ft "e le+t 'lo&e. .'&ie
=o!ld &eed to st'y ho,e =ith her( "!t ho= =o!ld they
get 7'rio& to the hospit'l> 8The do)tor ='s ' +',ily
+rie&d(: 7'rio& delights i& this story o+ 0yro&Fs "irth.
As she spe'$s( e')h pie)e o+ the &'rr'tive is ' ,'rvel to
her. I& ' thoro!ghly h!,'& +'shio&( sheFs ,oved "y e')h
det'il o+ this "irth 's tho!gh it is ' porte&to!s thi&g
reg'rdless o+ ho= )o,,o& it ,ight 'ppe'r to so,eo&e
else ? ho= ,!)h li$e '&y "irth.
8A"o!t seve&1thirty the $ids =ere 'll go&e '&d =e
h'd &o"ody to $eep the "'"y '&d I $&e= th't I sho!ld go
to the hospit'l. So I )'lled ,y do)tor( =ho s'id heFd pi)$
,e !p '&d t'$e ,e to the hospit'l. 7y ,other st'yed
there '&d too$ )'re o+ Sh'ro& !&til o&e o+ the other
164
)hildre& )',e ho,e.
8I h'd the "'"y i& thirty ,i&!tesJ IFd do&e ' +oolish
thi&g: #hile I ='ited +or the do)tor I =e&t i& '&d too$ '
hot "'th( =hi)h i,,edi'tely "ro!ght l'"or o& h'rd. I
"'rely got to the hospit'lJ 7y ,other sho=ed !p G!st
'"o!t the ti,e -'tie ='s "or&.
8She ='s the ,ost "e'!ti+!l "'"y I ever s'=. She
='s&Ft red( she ='s pi&$ '&d =hite '&d ro!&d '&d she
h'd +i&ger&'ils '&d )!rls o& her &e)$. ;+ )o!rse they tell
'll the ,others th't( yo! $&o=( FSheFs so "e'!ti+!l.F 0!t
she ='sI she ='s G!st ' "e'!ti+!l "'"y.:
A+ter siD =ee$s i& 0re)$e&ridge( 7'rio& ret!r&ed
to 0'$ers+ield( C'li+or&i'( '&d soo& '+ter='rd her
,other Goi&ed her to help =ith the )hildre&. TeD's +elt
lo&ely to .'&ie( =h't =ith everyo&e go&e: Dorothy h'd
her o=& li+e '&d the other three =ere 't the ,ilit'ryFs
"e)$ '&d )'ll. 7'rio& )o!ld&Ft +i&d help i& 0'$ers+ield(
&ot +or ' ,other =ith '& i&+'&t '&d ' +o!r1ye'r1old. A&d
she &eeded help. 7'rio& h'd&Ft pl'&&ed o& ,otherhood
to "eg'& =he&. She ='&ted to "e ' "!si&ess=o,'& '&d
"e+ore the "'"ies )',e she h'd ' +i&e st'rt i& Re'dy to
#e'r. She &ot o&ly sold )lothes( "!t she ='s 'lso '
"!yer '&d '))o!&t'&t +or the )o,p'&y.
Des)ri"i&g her li+e =ith the "'"ies ? three o+ the,(
Rod&ey #illi', ='s "or& t=e&ty1three ,o&ths '+ter
0yro& -'thlee& ? 7'rio& l'!ghs. 8I did&Ft $&o= =h't I
='s doi&g. ;h( I ='s old e&o!ghJ I did&Ft h've ,y +irst
"'"y !&til( letFs see( she ='s "or& i& .!ly '&d I ='s
t=e&ty1+ive i& A!g!st( so I ='s&Ft yo!&g. 0!t I did&Ft
i&te&d to go i&to this +',ily thi&g. IFd &ever $ept ho!se.
There =ere&Ft '&y )o&ve&ie&)es ? &o ='shi&g ,')hi&es
16B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
? '&d here I ='s =ith t=o "'"ies =ithi& t=e&ty1three
,o&ths o+ e')h otherJ I tho!ght I ='s ' "!si&ess girl(
'&d s!dde&ly I h'd three "'"iesJ 0!t =e "oth loved
"'"ies. I& th't er' yo! either h'd "'"ies or yo! did&Ft.
Yo! tr!sted ' lot to l!)$. #he&ever =e +o!&d o!t =e
=ere goi&g to h've '&other o&e( =e =ere very h'ppy
'"o!t it. As +'r 's IF, )o&)er&ed( the ye'rs I h'd the
)hildre& '&d =hile they =ere gro=i&g !p =ere the "est
ye'rs o+ ,y li+e. They =ere =o&der+!lJ:
R'ilro'd people ,ove 'ro!&d ' lot. 0'$ers+ield
to NeedlesI Needles to 0'rsto= '&d "')$ to Needles.
Needles h'd the Color'do River "!t 0'rsto= ='s higher
!p '&d )ooler. So,eti,es the he't "e)',e oppressive
e&o!gh eve& i& 0'rsto= to drive 7'rio& o!t o+
C'li+or&i' '&d "')$ to her ,other i& TeD's. They
tr'veled( too$ the )hildre& '&d =e&t to the So!th( to
%lorid'( to the S,o$ey 7o!&t'i&s. Rod&ey =or$ed. 8He
='s ' re'l *!iet ,'&(: 7'rio& s'ys. 8I tho!ght he ='s '
=o&der+!l +'ther. I s!ppose yo! )o!ld s'y his =hole li+e
='s "ei&g the +'ther '&d h!s"'&d. He =or$ed to s!pport
!s '&d =e 'l='ys h'd '& e'sy li+e.:
They )'lled their ,iddle )hild -'tie. The &',e 80yro&:
='s ' )o&)essio& to the +',ily. .'&ie C',p"ell h'd '
)o!si&( '& orph'& =ho ='s r'ised( i& p'rt( "y .'&ieFs
+'ther. The orph'&Fs &',e ='s 0yro&. She )',e to the
+',ily =ith ' s,'ll ',o!&t o+ i&herited ,o&ey th't the
C',p"ellFs i&vested +or her '&d ret!r&ed to her 't the
ti,e o+ her ,'rri'ge. Her h!s"'&d( '& ',"itio!s yo!&g
,'& =ith &o ,o&ey o+ his o=&( p'rl'yed her ,o&ey i&to
' sever'l ,illio& doll'r oil e,pire i& ;$l'ho,'.
The ,illio&'ire 0yro& )',e to visit =he& 7'rio&
165
='s preg&'&t =ith her se)o&d )hild. She )o&+ro&ted
.'&ie. 8I &oti)e th't &o&e o+ yo!r )hildre& h've &',ed
'&y o+ their )hildre& '+ter ,eJ: .'&ie replied th't she
h'd &othi&g to do =ith the &',i&g o+ her gr'&d)hildre&.
8#ell( IFll tell yo! this ,!)h(: 0yro& li+ted her
he'd '&d loo$ed do=& o& her )o!si&( 8I+ they do&Ft(
thereFs &o"ody else i& the +',ily th'tFs goi&g to le've
the, '&y ,o&ey.:
A+ter she le+t( .'&ie =e&t to 7'rio&. 8Yo!Fd "etter
&',e th't )hild 0yro&.:
7'rio& ='s&Ft '"o!t to "e +or)ed.
.'&ie 'rg!ed. 8#ell( yo! $&o=( thereFs 'lso th't
rel'tive o+ yo!r d'dFs. His &',eFs 0yro& too.:
#he& 7'rio& still ='s &ot )o&vi&)ed( .'&ie
ple'ded( 8I =ish yo!Fd do it to ple'se ,e. 0yro& h's&Ft
'&y )hildre&. It =o!ld ,'$e her h'ppy. 8
7'rio& l'!ghs '"o!t it &o=. 8I love th't story(: she
)h!)$les. 80yro& did le've -'tie +ive tho!s'&d doll'rs(
=hi)h ='s e&o!gh( 't the ti,e( to get her thro!gh
)oll'ge. Yo! $&o=( -'tie did&Ft )'re ,!)h +or the &',e(
0yro&( "!t it gre= o& her. Her &',e is -'thlee&( 0yro&
-'thlee&. Re)e&tly I thi&$ she de)ided she li$es the
&',e 0yro& "est. She )h'&ged her li+e 'ro!&d( ,'y"e
she +elt the &eed +or ' &e= &',e.:
8#he& -'tie ='s little(: 7'rio& re,e,"ers( 8=e
lived i& ' &eigh"orhood o+ t=e&ty1o&e )hildre&( '&d o!rs
='s ' do!"le )or&er lot. I h'd the "iggest y'rd '&d I
did&Ft 'llo= ,y )hildre& to ='&der the &eigh"orhood.
As ' res!lt I h'd 'll the &eigh"orhood )hildre& i& ,y
y'rd. ;&e d'y I =e&t o!t to +i&d -'tie sitti&g o& the )!r"
'&d 'll the other $ids pl'yi&g '&d yelli&g. She G!st s't
there. IFd see& this "e+ore( so I =e&t o!t '&d s't o& the
16A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
)!r" "y her( '&d I s'id( FHo&ey( =hy 're&Ft yo! pl'yi&g>
Do&Ft yo! ='&t to pl'y>F She t!r&ed her little he'd
to='rd ,e '&d s'id( FNo( I do&Ft ='&t to pl'y( 7','I I
G!st ='&t to ='t)h.F I !&derstood "e)'!se I ='s '
='t)her tooI I ='s&Ft ' ,i&gler =he& I ='s ' $id. A&d I
s'id( F#ell( 'll right( yo! G!st ='t)hI "!t i+ yo! ='&t to
pl'y( yo! go 'he'd '&d Goi& i&.F She s'id( FAll right.F 0!t
she =e&t o& ='t)hi&g. She h'd th't little thi&g '"o!t
her( to sit "')$ ' lot o+ the ti,e '&d G!st o"serve.:
8I ='s&Ft shy(: 0yro& s'ys &o=. 3+be )'lled it
Nshy.F Her stories 're th't I =o!ld sit o& the )!r" '&d
s!)$ ,y th!," '&d th't I did&Ft t'l$ !&til I ='s( ,'y"e(
+ive or siD. She )'lled it FshyF "!t I do&Ft re,e,"er
shy&ess 't 'll. I re,e,"er G!st &ot h'vi&g '&ythi&g to
s'y. .!st o"servi&g.
8A ye'r or so 'go I re,e,"ered '& eDperie&)eI
)',e "')$ to ,e )le'rly. I $&e= th't the =hole =orld ?
th't there ='s &o =orld( th't it did&Ft eDist eD)ept +or the
thi&g i& +ro&t o+ ,e. I ='s pro"'"ly three or +o!r ye'rs
old. I ='s lyi&g i& "ed i& o!r ho!se i& Needles o&
'l,='y Street. I ='s s!pposed to "e &'ppi&g. I ='s
still. I ='s '='re th't ,y ,other ='s =or$i&g "et=ee&
the livi&g roo, 're' '&d the $it)he&. The& ,y ,i&d
=e&t to '&other )o!&try( ' pl')e IFd he'rd so,eo&e
spe'$ o+( '&d I $&e= &o&e o+ it eDisted. ;&ly =h't I
)o!ld see eDisted( '&d I ='s to o"serve it. Th't ='s
)le'r( so )le'r. As ti,e =e&t o& tho!gh( I lost th't )l'rity
"e)'!se the )o&)ept o+ ti,e '&d sp')e is rei&+or)ed
here. A&d so I !&le'r&ed =h't I h'd dis)overed '"o!t
the &'t!re o+ Re'lity. 7y eDperie&)e is th't =e 'll h've
those re)olle)tio&s =he& =e 're *!iet. The ,ore '='re
166
=e "e)o,e( the ,ore =e re,e,"er.:
#h't do )hildre& he'r> #h't do they see> A s,'ll
girl sits )ross1legged i& the C'li+or&i' s!,,er d!st. Her
+')e is s,e'red. No o&e helped her "lo= her &ose. SheFs
sti)$y =ith s=e't '&d the ti&y sh'rp sto&es gri&d i&to her
legs =here she sits. So,e"ody )o,es o!t o+ the ho!se.
ItFs her ,other. Her ,other ='&ts so,ethi&g. 8Do&Ft
s!)$ yo!r th!,"J: the little girl he'rs. The s,'ll girl(
-'tie( +ollo=s her ,other "')$ to the ho!se '&d her
,other )loses the door. 8-'tie( st'y o!tside.: 9'ter
-'tieFs sister( Sh'ro&( goes i&. 9ittle Rod&ey goes i&.
Every"ody goes i&side "!t -'tie. She sits i& the hot d!st
'&d ='t)hes( '&d she "elieves sheFs &othi&g to "e
='&ted( &othi&g to "e to!)hed( &othi&g to "e loved.
7other s'id st'y o!tside '&d -'tie tho!ght she ,e'&t
+orever. Her per)eptio& ='s o++( she he'rd 8+orever.:
9ittle -'tieFs per)eptio& ='s o++. She )o!ld&Ft he'r the
,other =ho s'id 8S=eethe'rt( do&Ft s!)$ yo!r th!,".
St'y o!tside &o= '&d yo! )'& )o,e i& i& ' =hile.:
0yro& s'ys th't little -'tie ='s de'+. She stopped
's$i&g.
8I =e&t to the door o&e d'y(: 0yro& -'tie spe'$s
lo=( so+tly( 8'&d it ='s lo)$ed. I &ever 's$ed 'g'i&. I
st'yed o!t '&d I =o!ld =et ,y p'&ts o!t there '&d I
=o!ld sit i& the dirt. I )o!ld +eel the dirt '&d gr'vel o&
,y legs. 1 G!st s't there '&d I =o!ld&Ft )o,e i& !&til
,other s'id so( &ot eve& to the "'throo,. I ='t)hed ,y
"rother '&d sister go i& '&d o!t o+ the ho!se +or '&ythi&g
they ='&ted. I "elieved th't they )o!ld '&d I )o!ld&Ft(
th't I ='s !&loved. 7y "elie+ is =h't sh!t ,e do=&
,ost o+ ,y li+e. I per)eived ,y ,other '&d +'ther 's &ot
lovi&g ,e. Tod'y I see )le'rly the i&s'&ity o+ th't )hild
th't ='s ,e. It is )le'r ,y p're&ts 'l='ys loved !s
e*!'lly.
16C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8Th't ='s ,y sile&)e. I sh!t 9ove o++ +ro, itsel+
'&d it "eg'& to die. Th'tFs the de'th. It s'ys FIF, &ot
loved(F '&d it loo$s 'ro!&d +or the lie to prove it. ;r it
s'ys FIF, &ot '&d you 're.F ItFs de'th. A&d I do th't ...
!&til 1 do&Ft. At +orty1three ye'rs old( '&d '='$e( it
)',e to ,e: I orph'&ed ,e. I ,'de ,ysel+ ho,eless(
,otherless.
A ,'& lived &eDt door. He s,iled. He i&vited -'tie
i&. He t'l$ed to her. He to!)hed "er. She )'lls it 8the
,olest.: She =e&t to hi,.
8I =o!ld&Ft "e s!rprised i+ I did&Ft t'l$ to hi, 't 'llI
I thi&$ I =o!ld re,e,"er i+ I did. I G!st ='t)hed hi, '&d
he =o!ld do =h't he did. He =o!ld to!)h ,e. I ='s
three or +o!r. To "e to!)hed( eve& tho!gh it h!rt( ='s
li$e "ei&g ='&ted. I 'llo=ed the to!)h. So,eho= I
per)eived it ='s&Ft o$'y 't ho,e( to to!)h( th't 1 =o!ld
"e p!&ished. It ='s ,y per)eptio&.
8I re,e,"er th't ,y +'ther ='s "o!&)i&g ,y little
"rother o& his l'p '&d I 's$ed i+ I )o!ld do it '&d '&ger
)',e o!t o+ hi,. It +elt li$e p!&ish,e&t to ,e. Th't ='s
ho= I per)eived it. 0o!&)i&g ='s o$'y +or other people
"!t &ot +or ,e.
8NeDt door( 't the other ho!se( he ='&ted to to!)h
me. It ='s&Ft !&til I ='s +orty1three th't I le'r&ed( +ro,
'& eDperie&)e others )'ll )hild '"!se( th't I =o!ld do
'&ythi&g +or 9ove. A&ythi&g +or 9ove. A&ythi&g. This
eDperie&)e ='s the te')her o+ F,y &'t!re is 9ove.F 9ove
h's &o optio& other th'& to eDperie&)e the revel'tio& o+
itsel+( reve'led. I G!st did&Ft $&o= ho= to do 9ove( '&d
so I did =h't ='s 'v'il'"le. I h'd &o te')hers th't I
)o!ld he'r s'&ely.
8All Keverythi&gL te')hes 9ove i& the lo&g r!&.
A='$e( I !&derst'&d. ;!tside of ti,e '&d sp')e I ', so
162
gr'te+!l to th't eDperie&)e. All &eeds 're s!pplied so
th't I )'& !lti,'tely $&o= ,y Sel+. #ho ', I to s'y
=h't +or, !&derst'&di&g sho!ld t'$e> Every eDperie&)e
o+ ,y li+e is +or this: I give it to yo! 's the <i+t o+ 7e.
7y eDperie&)e is 'll I h've. I ', the <i+t. The F,olestF
eDperie&)e is o&e s,'ll +')et o+ the <i+t th't I A,. I A,
the $&o=& <i+t i& its e&tirety. These s,'ll +')ets 're the
d'r$&esses th't "lo)$ o!t the 9ight. 0ro!ght to
!&derst'&di&g they "e)o,e the !lti,'te <i+t( "!t o&ly
'v'il'"le to those =ho 're &o lo&ger =illi&g to "e de'+
or "li&d. The <i+t is ,'de 'v'il'"le o&ly to those =ho
're =illi&g to loo$ "eyo&d =h't they thi&$ they $&o=.
8%ro, three1ye'r1old eyes I h've see& 'll th't I
h've done 's ,isdire)ted love( '&d I sh're it =ith you
tod'y. 9ove &eed do &othi&g. All o+ the h'r, I did 'll
those ye'rs to ,e '&d yo! ? "e)'!se =h't is do&e to o&e
is do&e to 'll ? 'll o+ the h'r, I did ='s ,isdire)ted "!t(
&o&etheless( 9ove.:
169
A CRY IN THE DESERT
7AST6ERADE
Ag'i&st the p'i& o+ "ei&g &ot e&o!gh( -'tie
)o&str!)ted ' ,'s$. A ,'s*!e. A ,'s*!er'de. A dr','
i& =hi)h she st'rred 's the o&e =ho )o!ld do '&d h've
everythi&g. She did&Ft $&o= =h't she ='s doi&g. No o&e
does( re'lly( =he& =e )o&str!)t th't ego =hi)h i,'gi&es
itsel+ sep'r'te +ro, the ;&e. She ='&ted to s!rvive. She
='&ted to "e so,eo&e.
She +orgot the ,olest '&d =h't she )'lls her other
i,'gi&ed re'lities. She hid the ,e,ory o+ th't )hild =ho
s't i& the dirt '&d =et her p'&ts "e)'!se she "elieved she
='s&Ft =orthy to go i& '&d o!t o+ the ho!se. -'tie
)o&)e'led her i&&o)e&)e !&der her p'i& '&d the& d!lled
her p'i& =ith e++orts to "e pop!l'r '&d to ')hieve.
-'tieFs +',ily o"served +',ily tr'ditio&s( "ro!ght
the eDte&ded +',ily together +or holid'ys. Eve& -'tieFs
gr'&d,other )',e +ro, TeD's +or )ele"r'tio&s. 7'rio&
re)'lls th't -'tie "e)',e the )e&ter o+ +!&.
8There ='s&Ft ' perso& i& the =orld ,ore +!& th'&
-'tie. Eve& =he& everyo&e ='s "ored to de'th( -'tie
got !s l'!ghi&g(: 7'rio& re)'lls. She ='s o"livio!s to
-'tieFs eDperie&)e o+ &ot "elo&gi&g. 8;&)e -'tie h'd '
+eeli&g th't she did&Ft *!ite +it i&. Her sister( Sh'ro&(
)o!ld h'rdly "elieve it. Sh'ro& told her( F-'tie( yo! =ere
the )'t'lyst +or 'll the +!&JF -'tie ='s the li+e o+ the
p'rty.:
The ,'s$ "e)',e i&dis)er&i"le( ' se)o&d s$i&. 0y
the ti,e she e&tered high s)hool i& Needles( &o o&e
g!essed there ='s '&ythi&g else to -'tie "!t this pretty(
1C3
pop!l'r( viv')io!s girl =ho see,ed to "e '"le to get
=h'tever she set her ,i&d to.
The Reids lived ')ross the street +ro, the
Ro"i&so&s. 0o" Ro"i&so&( their so&( =e&t to s)hool
=ith -'tieI they =ere i& the s',e gr'de. %or ' ti,ethey
)oeDisted i& the &eigh"orhood( h'rdly &oti)i&g prese&)e
o+ the other. He ='s ' d'r$1h'ired "oy =ho li$ed sports(
=ho got his ='y. She ='s ' pretty "lo&d i& ' )ovey o+
other tee&'ged girls( =hisperi&g se)rets( giggli&g over
,ysteries '"o!t =hi)h ' "oy does&Ft h've ' )l!e. ;&e
d'y -'tie =ore ' "l')$ dress =ith ti&y red dots s)'ttered
'll over it li$e st'rs. She stood o!t +ro, the )ro=d. 0o"
&oti)ed.
ItFs ' he'dy +eeli&g( to "e p!rs!ed. ItFs i&toDi)'ti&g.
0o" ='s( 's 7'rio& des)ri"es( 8dev'st'ti&gly
h'&dso,e.: He pl'yed +oot"'ll. He h'd ' )'r. He ='&ted
to d'te -'tie. She did&Ft ='&t to h!rt his +eel i&gs( '&d
she did&Ft $&o= '&ythi&g else to do "!t =h't he ='&ted.
She '))epted.
Their p're&ts =orried. 8They loo$ed "e'!ti+!l
together(: -'tieFs ,other re,e,"ers. 8#he& they =ere
i& high s)hool( -'tieFs +'ther '&d I tried everythi&g to
"re'$ !p th't rel'tio&ship. Ho=ever( her +'ther ='s
very( very +o&d o+ 0o". He ='s ' +i&e yo!&g ,'& i& lots
o+ ='ys. He very e'rly got ' Go" '&d =or$ed 'll thro!gh
high s)hoolI the& he =e&t to )ollege. He did thi&gs +or
hi,sel+. He )ert'i&ly h'd 'll the re*!ire,e&ts.:
7ost =orriso,e to 7'rio& ='s 0o"Fs i&te&sity o+
=ill. 8He ='s G!st +or)e+!l(: she re+le)ts. 8He ='s
deter,i&ed to h've his ='y. HeFd overr!le -'tie "e)'!se
he ='s the "iggest. IF, s!re it ,!st h've "ee& ' terri"le
thi&g +or her "e)'!se her +'ther ='s s!)h ' *!iet ,'&. I
do&Ft s!ppose she ever he'rd her +'ther r'ise his voi)e i&
her li+e.:
1C1
A CRY IN THE DESERT
7'y"e it ='s 's 7'rio& s'ys( ,'y"e &ot. -'tie
,'rried 0o". %irst she =e&t to )ollege +or ' =hile i&
AriHo&' =hile he did his )ollege sti&t 't S'& 0er&'rdi&o.
They "oth *!it. They =ere &i&etee&. #h't do yo! do 't
&i&etee&( ,'rried> They lived i& ' little tr'iler i& %res&o.
It ='s hot. -'tie ='s preg&'&t. There ='s&Ft e&o!gh o+
'&ythi&g.
0o" h'd ' Go" =ith <UE. -'tie g've "irth to '
so&( 0o"( .r. They ,oved i&to ' little ho!se =ith '&
ev'por'tive )ooli&g syste,. <UE ,'&'ge,e&t s'=
0o"Fs pote&ti'l '&d tr'i&ed hi,. erh'ps thi&gs =ere
loo$i&g !p. erh'ps the ,'s$ ='s G!st "e)o,i&g eve&
,ore +ir,ly +iDed.
The Ro"i&so&s too$ their little "oy '&d ,oved to
0'$ers+ield '&d the& to S'& 9!is ;"ispo( e')h ,ove '
pro,otio& +or 0o". The& they =ere livi&g "')$ i&
Needles =here 'lo&gside the <UE Go"( 0o" "eg'&
st!dyi&g +or his priv'te ele)tri)'l )o&tr')torFs li)e&se(
=hi)h eve&t!'lly p!t hi, i&to "!si&ess +or hi,sel+.
ThereFs ' sed!)tive&ess i& ,o&ey '&d possessio&s.
It )'& )'pt!re yo!. -'tie h'd '& i&sti&)t +or s!))ess.
0o" "ro!ght the ,o&ey ho,e '&d -'tie i&vested it. She
"o!ght !p ,ost o+ the "!si&ess properties i& do=&to=&
Needles( C'li+or&i'. 7o&ey g!shed !p li$e oil. They
"o!ght property o& the Color'do River '&d the ho!se
th't +or,erly "elo&ged to 7'rio& '&d Rod&ey. They
+illed it ,'&y &ights '&d =ee$e&ds =ith people =ho
dr'&$ their li*!or '&d ,'de de'ls to ge&er'te ,ore
,o&ey. They ,'de roo, +or t=o ,ore )hildre&( Ross
'&d RoD'&&. No= there =ere +ive. The )hildre& gre=
'&d pl'yed "y the river =hile their p're&ts =or$ed.
The Ro"i&so&s got ri)h. They "e)',e po=er+!l.
-'tie '&d 0o" =ere s!pposed to "e h'ppyI they =ere
livi&g the A,eri)'& Dre',.
1C4
This the& is the dre',( the ,'s*!er'de: -'tie
='&ts ,ore. The ,ovies s'y ,o&ey =ill ,'$e her
h'ppy. She h's ,o&ey. T/ s'ys "e po=er+!l( "e
sed!)tive( "e gl',oro!s( "e seDy( "e the )e&ter o+
'tte&tio&. She does 'll th't. -'tie still ='&ts ,ore. She
"!ys '&other "!ildi&gI she h's '&other dri&$. She is&Ft
h'ppy.
The yo!&g )hildre& r!& =ild( !&s!pervised '&d
delighted. -'tie is =ild. She p!shes hersel+( '&other
proGe)t( st'rts ' "!si&ess =o,e&Fs 'sso)i'tio&. 7ore
people )o,e o!t to the river ho!se. She serves hors
dFoe!vres '&d +i&e 'ged S)ot)h =his$ey. She "ri&gs o!t
the T'&*!er'y '&d sh'$es ' dry ,'rti&i. She ties !p
'&other )o&tr')tI she p!shes thro!gh '&other de'l. The
)hildre& 're o!t !&til '+ter d'r$.
It goes o& +or ye'rs. -'tie ='&ts ,ore. The ,ore
she gets( the e,ptier she +eels. She seethes. The
e,pti&ess is +!el th't( to!)hed "y '& '&gry =ord(
eDplodes. 0o"Fs '&ger yells. -'tie +l'res. %r!str'tio&
er!pts. They =or$ !po& e')h other li$e sp'r$s o& oil.
9i$e ele)tri)ity. They to!)h e')h other '&d get "!r&ed.
0o"Fs go&e ' lot. He ,'$es ,o&ey h'&d over +ist.
%'&)y ,otels( shoppi&g )e&ters ? ele)tri)'l )o&tr')ti&g
is "ig "!si&ess. '!l )o,es over i& the eve&i&g '&d
+ishes +ro, the do)$. He ,'$es +rie&ds =ith the
)hildre&. HeFs ' poi&t o+ *!iet i& ' stor,.
'!l =e'ves thro!gh -'tieFs li+e li$e ' thre'd. He is
e'rth1to&ed '&d re'l. She he'rs his voi)e +ro, +'r o++.
She re,e,"ers the to&e o+ hi, +ro, her )hildhood.
Yo!&g '!l l'!ghed( )'lled o!t( his voi)e ' )'l, thi&g
G!st o!tside her "edroo, =i&do= o&)e =he& she ='s '
little( little girl. It ='s the +irst ti,e little -'tie thrilled
to he'r ' voi)e. His l'!ghter r'&g i& her. She +ell i& love.
She r'& to the =i&do=. #ho ='s this l'!ghter( this
1CB
A CRY IN THE DESERT
voi)e> She loo$ed +or hi, every d'y. She ='ited +or th't
voi)e "!t did&Ft he'r it 'g'i&.
'!l =or$s i& )o&str!)tio& too. He is older th'&
-'tie "y +i+tee& ye'rs. 0o" thi&$s '!l is o+ ' di++ere&t
ge&er'tio&. He does&Ft $&o= th't -'tie h's loved the
,'& +orever.
'!l sho=s !p 't ' p'rty give& i& his )o,p'&yFs
ho&or. ;&e loo$ '&d -'tie is "')$ i& love. She h's "ee&
dri&$i&g he'vily. I& 0o"Fs prese&)e( she tells everyo&e
she =ill ,'rry this ,'&( '!l. 0o" st'&ds "y. 7'y"e he
he'rs. 7'y"e he p'ys 'tte&tio&. 7'y"e &ot. He does&Ft
$&o=( '&d -'tie does&Ft yet re,e,"er( th't she h's
loved this older ,'& si&)e '!l ='s &i&etee& '&d p'vi&g
the street o!tside her =i&do= i& 1956.
Does it ,'tter> '!l does&Ft t'$e the p'i& '='y.
Eve& '!l is &ot e&o!gh. He )'&&ot +ill the e,pti&ess.
Th'tFs 'll there is. ;ver '&d over. -'tie h's everythi&g
She ,ight 's =ell h've =o& the lottery. -'tie h's
&othi&g. She ='&ts ,ore. ThereFs 'l='ys ,ore '&d it
',o!&ts to &othi&g. #h't ' sorry Go$e( this ,'s*!er'de.
SheFs gorgeo!s '&d she does&Ft )'re. She &ever )'& "e
pretty e&o!gh or ri)h e&o!gh or po=er+!l e&o!gh. SheFd
h've to h've 'll the ,o&ey( 'll the h!s"'&ds( 'll the
ho!ses( everythi&g.
The )hildre& 're =ild.
The +',ily dog e'ts poiso& '&d dro=&s.
There is&Ft '&y ,ore.
1C5
THE HI<HER THIN<
%e'r o+ loss ,'g&etiHes !s '='y +ro, Tr!th: loss o+
'))ept'&)e( loss o+ +rie&ds( loss o+ rep!t'tio&( loss o+
positio&( loss o+ dre',s( loss o+ pre)o&)eived ide's( loss
o+ "elie+s( loss o+ tr'ditio&s( loss o+ the =orld =eFve
spe&t li+eti,es "!ildi&g !p i& o!r i,'ge( loss o+ o!r
ide's '"o!t <od.
The Tr!th 0yro& tells is o&e IFve 'l='ys $&o=& "!t
did&Ft tr!st "e)'!se IFd &ever ,et '&yo&e =ho lived it
)o&siste&tly. I +e'red it ,ight "e ' ,ist'$e. #ho ='&ts
to let go o+ everythi&g +or ' ,ist'$e> I loo$ 't her '&d
see th't =e &ever let go o+ '&ythi&g th't does&Ft "ri&g i&
so,ethi&g higher. She )'lls it evol!tio&. ItFs the &'t!r'l
,ove,e&t o+ "ei&g ? to='rd the higher thi&g. #e
)'&&ot ,'$e ' ,ist'$e. #h't ='s ,'&i+est i& the l'st
,o,e&t is lost &o=. The prese&t ,o,e&t is. #h'tever
the prese&t ,o,e&t "ri&gs is higher( ,ore )o,plete(
+illed =ith ,ore pote&ti'l. 0yro& s'ys( 8Ho= do =e
$&o=> Here it is.: The p'i&( the "e'!ty( the hope( the
"li&d&ess( the tight&ess( the ge&erosity( the te'rs '&d
l'!ghter '&d "irth '&d de'th ? li+e itsel+ ? "ri&gs e')h o+
!s to the ,o,e&t o+ Tr!th '&d( tho!gh 'll those +or,er
thi&gs h've ev'por'ted li$e ,ist i& the s!&light( here is
the %!ll&ess o+ 0ei&g( the higher thi&g.
I )o&ti&!e to "e ','Hed "y the t!r& this =o,'&Fs
li+e too$. Co&versio&: A t!r&i&g =ithi& the sel+( ' t!r&
to='rds Tr!th. ItFs ' "'rely per)epti"le shi+t i&
)o&s)io!s&ess th't tr'&s+or,s the =orld. 8I s'= ' &e=
he've& '&d ' &e= e'rth(: )ried .oh&( the '!thor o+ the
1CA
A CRY IN THE DESERT
Book of 7eelation =he& t'$e& !p i&to the s',e eDperi1
e&)e 's 0yro&Fs. 8%or the +irst he've& '&d the +irst e'rth
=ere p'ssed '='y@ there sh'll "e &o ,ore de'th(
&either sorro=( &or )ryi&g( &either sh'll there "e '&y
,ore p'i&: +or the +or,er thi&gs 're p'ssed '='y: KRev.
41:1( 5L. 0yro&Fs eDperie&)e '&d .oh&Fs 're the s',e.
.oh& goes o& to s'y th't i& this &e= he've& '&d e'rth
<od '&d the people 're o&e "ei&g. S!)h is 0yro&Fs
)o&st'&t )ry. -&o= =ho yo! 're. Eve& i+ it see,s yo!
=ill lose everythi&g. Eve& i+ it see,s yo! =ill lose yo!r
li+e( yo!r s'&ity( yo!r sel+( do&Et "e '+r'id. The old
=orld =ill dis'ppe'r. A&d yo! =ill '='$e to the
re'liH'tio& o+ <od1=ith1yo!( to the eDperie&)e o+ the
;&e( the Alph' '&d the ;,eg'( ti,eless&ess( the
0egi&&i&g '&d the E&d( o!t o+ ti,e.
0e+ore the old =orld dis'ppe'rs( th't =orld o+
te'rs( sorro=( '&d de'th( thereFs '& 'po)'lypse. ThereFs '
"'ttle. The se' t!r&s to "lood. The s!& is d'r$e&ed. .oh&
)o&str!)ts the story 's '& epi). ItFs perso&'l. ItFs 'lso
!&ivers'l "e)'!se the perso&'l '&d !&ivers'l 're the
s',e. I& the epi) everythi&g is lost. The old =orld is
destroyed. A&d &othi&g is re'lly lost "e)'!se the old
=orld ='s ' )o&str!)t o+ o!r little ,i&ds. <od is '&d h's
"ee& =ith !s 'll 'lo&g. There is ;&e.
The old =orld dis'ppe'rs '&d yet there is &o loss.
There is o&ly the higher thi&g.
0yro& -'tieFs 'po)'lypse( her "'ttle o+
Ar,'geddo&( )li,'Des i& 1926 '+ter ye'rs o+ )oll'pse.
#ho )'& tell this> #ho eve& !&derst'&ds> SheFs
&ot the o&ly o&e +or =ho, there 're &o =ords( ,'y"e
"e)'!se the p'i& pre)edes the =ords i& the +irst pl')e.
0e)'!se the p'i& is 'l='ys there( "e&e'th the ,o&ey(
pop!l'rity( '&d po=er( "e&e'th the "e'!ty '&d 'll the
+rie&ds( "e&e'th the $&o=ledge o+ it. She )'&Ft eve& )'ll
1C6
it p'i&. It is ' seethi&g. It er!pts i& te'rs( i& )ries. It
=riggles i& her g!ts '&d she sees it )o,i&g i& =i&do=s(
"re'$i&g thro!gh lo)$ed doors( 'tt')$i&g her i& her
sleep. She "!ys ' g!&( lo'ds it( ,'$es re'dy +or
i&v'sio&. She thi&$s sheFll $ill it.
There &ever is e&o!gh to $eep it o!t. At +irst she
si&gs '&d the ,!si) dro=&s its )ries "!t )'&Ft re')h +ro,
e&d to e&d o+ the e,pti&ess the sile&)e le'ves "ehi&d.
She r!&s +ro, everythi&g th't h's&Ft =or$ed: 0o"( the
river ho!se( the to=& th't tho!ght they $&e= her( the
=o,e& =ho h'd e&vied her( the ,e& =ho ='&ted to +i&d
o!t ho= good she ='s i& "ed.
She t'$es her )hildre& '&d she r!&s to Nev'd' '&d
the& to 0'rsto= '&d p'i& t'$es o& the t'ste o+ d!st. She
st'rts over. 0!ys ' "!si&ess. #or$s. She does&Ft $&o=
'&other ='y.
'!l +ollo=s her. He t'$es '& 'p'rt,e&t i&
0'rsto=. She )'& t'l$ to '!lI so,ethi&g so+t i& hi,
re)eives her voi)e. She "eg'& to t'l$ to '!l "')$ i&
Needles =he& she +elt her li+e li$e loose&ed )l'y
"re'$i&g '='y +ro, the "'&$s '&d slidi&g i&to the s=i+t
river )!rre&t. They s't o& the "o't do)$. They drove
!priver to st'&d '"ove the )'&yo& ='lls '&d -'tie =ept
'&d '!l held her.
He pro,ises to t'$e )'re o+ -'tie '&d the )hildre&.
She +ig!res she )'& !se so,e )'re. He does =h't he
$&o=s ho= to do( "!ys properties( "e)o,es her p'rt&er.
She settles i& ' ho!se i& 0'rsto=( ,oves i&to it =ith the
)hildre&. He )o,es over every d'y. He is ' god+'ther o+
sorts. He is ' lover. He tries to s've her li+e "!t she is
dyi&g.
A =ild thi&g lives i&side her '&d )l'=s 't her
he'rt. She =or$s 't loo$i&g &or,'l. She sets her teeth.
She $eeps the s'v'ge ho=li&g +ro, er!pti&g i&to d'ily
1CC
A CRY IN THE DESERT
li+e. She s='llo=s it. It e)hoes thro!gh her e,pti&ess.
She "!ys ,ore "!ildi&gs. She se&ds her )hildre& to
s)hool. She se&ds o!t +or piHH'. She Goi&s her ,other
'&d sister +or Th'&$sgivi&g '&d +or Christ,'s '))ordi&g
to tr'ditio&. She l'!ghs '&d si&gs 's they eDpe)t her to.
'!l holds her h'&d.
Her &eed +or hi, "e)o,es ' =hirl=i&d. I& its eye is
'll o+ li+e th't =ill hold still. He is her o&ly )'l,. She
goes =ith hi, to T'hoe( to o&e o+ those little =eddi&g
)h'pels "y the l'$e( '&d ,'rries hi,.
He +eels her slippi&g. HeFd see& it "e+ore i& others.
Nervo!s "re'$do=& ? ' +rie&dFs =i+e h'd o&e. It loo$ed
li$e this. It loo$s li$e so,eo&e )li,"i&g ' s'&d d!&e.
<r'spi&g. Slippi&g. No +ir,&ess '&y=here. E'rth )'vi&g
i&. T!,"li&g( slidi&g( o!t o+ )o&trol. EDh'!stio&. S'&d
i& eyes( s'&d i& h'ir. Te'rs. S)re',i&g '&d the& sile&)e.
/'g!e st'res. 9i,p +i&gers( de'd 'l,ost. The )o&st'&t
&eed +or sleep.
She does&Ft ='&t to le've the ho!se. She &eeds
='lls. #he& she goes o!tside( the press!re )h'&ges. She
thi&$s sheFll )o,e 'p'rt( li$e so,eo&e =ith the "e&ds(
so,eo&e disi&tegr'ted "y ' depth )h'rge( so,eo&e
+'lli&g +ro, '& %111 stre'$i&g '"ove the desert +i+tee&
,iles high( so,eo&e eDplodi&g i& the thi& 'ir. She +eels
the +r'g,e&ts o+ hersel+ +'lli&g( pl!)$ed o!t o+ the s$y
"y "irds( s)'ttered over ' ='stel'&d =here &o o&e ever
goes "e)'!se there 're &o ro'ds.
She is&Ft "ig e&o!gh. Her +lesh +eels tiss!e1p'per
thi&. A&ythi&g ,ight te'r thro!gh. She &eeds ,ore o+ it
so she =o&Ft dis'ppe'r( i,plode( )oll'pse i&to the v'st
sp')e !&der&e'th her s$i&. Al)ohol. 'st'. #i&e. Ri)h
s'!)e. Chips '&d dip. Dr!gs. C'&dy. A&ythi&g.
So,eti,es i& the $it)he& -'tie =or$s 'll d'y to ,'$e '
+e'st. She +o)!ses o& the +ood 's tho!gh it )o!ld deliver
1C2
her +ro, hell. She e'ts. She gro=s. She "e)o,es ro!&d.
6&,ov'"le. She sits o& her "ed. Ross )!rls 't her side.
They e't together. They +ill the,selves. They vo,it.
They e't so,e ,ore.
,hy are you so fat> she *!estio&s the "ody i& her
,irror. She orders !p so,e diet pills. She ,elts. The&
she e'ts 'g'i&.
The p'i& is i& her "loodI it tr'vels every=here. It
)lots i& her $&ees( thro"s "ehi&d her eyes. Her "ody
"!r&s =ith it. The p'i& is 'live. She h's to $ill it. '!l
s'ys )odei&e =ill $ill the p'i&. He "ri&gs )odei&e '&d
she t'$es it +ro, his h'&d. He )'lls her 8,y girl: '&d
$isses her '&d s'ys the p'i& =ill go '='y( "!t it st'ys. It
)r'=ls 'ro!&d i& her li$e =or,s.
She )!rls !p i& her "ed. She dies +or ye'rs. She is
.o" o& the he'p o+ 'shes pi)$i&g 't her ,i&d. '!l t'$es
)'re o+ everythi&g. He $eeps the ho!seI he $eeps the
)hildre&I he $eeps the "!si&ess. He h's +o!r he'rt
'tt')$s. -'tie dr'gs hersel+ to the hospit'l '&d "egs hi,
to get =ell. #itho!t hi, she )'&Ft live. At &ight she
)!rls !p i&to hersel+ '&d st'res 't the d'r$. The ho!se is
+'lli&g do=&.
At l'st he re')hes the e&d o+ 'll th't he )'& do +or
her. He "!&dles her !p '&d t'$es her to the "e')h G!st
o!tside o+ 9os A&geles( to the h'l+='y ho!se. He le'ves
her there =ith ther'pists =ho tell hi, they )'& o&ly try.
-'tie )ries o!t i& the desert o+ her ,i&d. -'tie lies
do=& !&der&e'th the "ed i& her lo)$ed 'tti) roo, '&d
dies.
The& ' )o)$ro')h )r'=ls over her +oot.
0yro& -'tie is '='$e. She lives.
1C9
A CRY IN THE DESERT
HE99 ;N #HEE9S
0yro& -'tie is '='$e "!t her +',ily )'&&ot t!r&
+ro, its o=& p'i& ? the +'llo!t +ro, -'tieFs ,'s*!er'de.
Her )hildre& des)ri"e th't ti,e "e+ore '&d d!ri&g her
'='$e&i&g i& =ords th't rip '&d te'r. It +elt li$e hell.
They gre= !p i& it. They $&e= &o other =orld.
There ='s ' ti,e =he& her d'!ghter( RoD'&&( '
yo!&g tee&'ger( +e'red to dist!r" -'tieFs sleep 't &ight.
8I ='s so '+r'id o+ her( so '+r'id o+ ='$i&g the "e'st. I
=o!ld tiptoe o& the st'irs. 7y '&$les )re'$ed. I tho!ght
i+ I =o$e her !p( sheFd $ill ,e. She $ept this h'l+1)o)$ed
g!& !&der her "ed. She ='s so p'r'&oid.:
RoD'&& is ' yo!&g ,other hersel+ &o=( ,'rried to
' ,'& she )'lls 8=o&der+!l(: o&e =ho 8&'t!r'lly lives
the Tr!th.: She so!&ds '=ed 's she tells the story o+ her
)hildhood. 87y ,other is )o,pletely di++ere&t &o=
+ro, the perso& she ='s 's I ='s gro=i&g !p. No= she
h's 'll this +reedo,. She does&Ft h've "'d ti,es or "'d
d'ys. She ='$es !p every ,or&i&g s,ili&g( h'ppyI sheFs
)'l, ? )'re+ree. This is &ot to s'y she does&Ft grieve.
She does. 0!t itFs &ot sel+1pity. She &ever gets i&volved
i& sel+1pity.:
RoD'&& des)ri"es the ,'s*!er'de i& her o=& ='y:
8She did&Ft !sed to "e +ree 't 'll. She ='s drive& to='rd
,o&ey( "e'!ty( '&d s!))ess ? ' hell o& =heels "!si&ess
=o,'&. She h'd sever'l "!si&esses: ' )lothi&g "!si&ess(
' g's st'tio&. I re,e,"er her o!t there p!,pi&g g's. She
'&d ,y d'd ? 0o" is ,y d'd ? "oth o+ the, ? ,o&ey
'&d s!))ess. He h's his o=& ele)tri) )o,p'&y '&d h's
"ig )lie&ts( very "ig( )'si&os '&d everythi&g. HeFs
123
eDtre,ely =ell o++.
87y ,other =or$ed three Go"s to set !p his
"!si&ess. She ='s ' re'l )o&trol +re'$I yo! $&o=( order(
per+e)tio&I she h'd to h've thi&gs right.
8There ='s lots o+ +ighti&g =hile I ='s gro=i&g !p.
It ='s d'ily. 9ots o+ ver"'l viole&)e. There ='s ,y
,other =ith ' )ig'rette i& o&e h'&d '&d 'l)ohol i& the
other. A&d +ood ? she loved +ood. She too$ ,'Gor diet
pills to loo$ good.
87o&ey ='s everythi&g. 7o&ey ='s ' god.
8T=e&ty ye'rs 'go she too$ !s $ids '&d split( le+t
ho,e( divor)ed 0o". She too$ &othi&g else Kit ='s the
o&ly ='y she )o!ld get '='y +ro, 0o"L( '&d he let her
go. #e e&ded !p i& 0'rsto=. #e =ere tot'lly poor. I
re,e,"er e'ti&g lots o+ ,')'ro&i '&d )heese =ith
)h!&$s o+ t!&' i& it.
8She '&d ,y stepd'd( '!l Rolle( "e)',e "!si&ess
p'rt&ers. TheyFd $&o=& e')h other si&)e I ='s ' little
)hild. He ='s i& )o&str!)tio&. They "o!ght ' "'r. 7o,
=or$ed i& the "'r '&d ='s go&e ' lot. She ='s still
drive& e& "y ,o&ey ? )o&s!,ed "y it.
8She '&d '!l =ere ,'rried o& .!ly 9( 19C9. They
)o&ti&!ed to "!y property '&d re&t it o!t. They =ere
very s!))ess+!l =ith ,o&ey.
8The& )',e the period th't I "lo)$ +ro, ,y
,e,ory. It ='s so p'i&+!l. I ='s '"o!t thirtee& ye'rs old
'&d ,y ,other got i&)redi"ly si)$. She G!st l'id i& "ed
'&d =o!ld&Ft ,ove. She =eighed =ell over t=o h!&dred
po!&ds. She ='s ,'ssive. She l'id there =ith her +ood
'&d her 'l)ohol '&d her )ig'rettes. She l'id there '&d
the&( =itho!t ='r&i&g( sheFd get !p '&d r'ge ? this h!ge
=o,'&( r'gi&g. She &ever s,iled. She ='s dyi&g. She
='s "ei&g e'te& 'live +ro, the i&side.
121
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8There ='s so ,!)h '"!se "et=ee& her '&d 0o""y
'&d ,e. The three o+ !s ')ted o!t the p'i&. I did it =ith
dr!gs. IFd "e sto&ed '&d the& IFd go o++. /iole&t. As '
)hild Ross es)'ped ? tried to "e the per+e)t )hild. He
"!ried it.
89i$e I s'id "e+ore( I ='s so '+r'id o+ her the&. I
re,e,"er o&e ti,e vividly. 7o, h'd )oo$ed this
=o&der+!l ,e'l =ith strips o+ "ee+ K=e 're 'll
veget'ri'&s &o=L '&d other +oods( h'&d rolled. It too$
lots o+ =or$. I ='s sto&ed ? ')t!'lly G!st )o,i&g o++
dr!gs( i& ' $i&d o+ "!HH. I ='s )'rryi&g the di&&er o& '
tr'y. 0et=ee& roo,s the )'rpet e&ded 'g'i&st the
s,ooth +loori&g '&d I tripped. The +ood )r'shed to the
+loor '&d spilled 'll over everythi&g. She )',e '+ter ,e.
I ='l$ed '='y +ro, her "!t she gr'""ed the "')$ o+ ,y
h'ir( $i)$i&g ,e( p!&)hi&g ,e. No=( I ='s ' viole&t
perso&( too( i& those d'ys. I )'rried $&ives to s)hool. No
o&e =o!ld +ight ,e ? I ='s )r'Hy. A&yho=( I t!r&ed so
+!rio!sly 'g'i&st her th't I ripped ' )h!&$ o+ h'ir right
o!t o+ ,y he'd.
8IFll &ever +orget her +')e. She s'id( FYo! eve&
to!)h ,e '&d IFll +!)$i&g $ill yo!.F I $&e= she ,e'&t it.
She ')t!'lly ='&ted ,e to +ight "')$ so she )o!ld ve&t
o& so,ethi&g or so,eo&e.
8The other perso& =ho ='s i& o& 'll o+ this ='s ,y
stepd'd( '!l. He ='s the )'ret'$er. He h'd ' h'rd ti,e(
i& +')t( =he& ,y ,other )h'&ged "e)'!se she did&Ft
&eed hi, '&y,ore. ItFs li$e =ith people ,'rried to
'l)oholi)s: #he& the 'l)oholi) gets =ell '&d they do&Ft
&eed to t'$e )'re o+ th't perso& '&y,ore the& they lose
'll their ,e'&i&g( 'll their po=er.
80')$ the& 7o, =o!ld lie i& "ed '&d heFd )o,e to
her '&d sheFd s'y she ='&ted so,ethi&g '&d heFd get it
+or her. A&ythi&g. He loved ,'$i&g her h'ppy. Her
124
h'ppi&ess ,'de hi, +eel li$e the gre'test ,'& o& e'rth.
At the s',e ti,e he ='s =e'ri&g hi,sel+ o!t( =or$i&g
'll the ti,e. He too$ )'re o+ 'll the "!si&esses 's =ell 's
'll the ho!se=or$( )oo$i&g 'll the ,e'ls( )le'&i&g(
everythi&g.
8A"o!t this ti,e 0o""y le+t to live =ith D'd. 7y
7o, )o!ld&Ft eve& loo$ 't 0o""yI sheFd see 0o"( ,y
d'd. They loo$ed so ,!)h 'li$e. .!st h'vi&g hi, 'ro!&d
drove her i&to ' r'ge.
8%i&'lly she =e&t to ' tre't,e&t )e&ter ? I do&Ft
$&o= the &',e o+ it. At the tre't,e&t )e&ter &o o&e
=o!ld sleep i& the s',e roo, =ith herI she ='s so
+righte&i&g. As +or ,e( I did&Ft ='&t to go &e'r her. As
+'r 's I ='s )o&)er&ed( ,y li+e ='s +i&'lly per+e)t. She
='s&Ft there to h!rt ,e '&y,ore.:
0yro& s'ys( 8#h't h'ppe&ed ='s th't I *!it. I
)o!ld&Ft "e +illed '&d so I *!it. I G!st l'id i& "ed. I
"e)',e so '&gry th't I )o!ld&Ft step o!tside ,y ho,e.
#e h'd ' ,otor ho,e '&d tho!ght it =o!ld help '&d I
re,e,"er G!st lyi&g i& the very "')$ o+ it s)re',i&g i&
terror( '.ou hae to "ut me back in the house82
8A&other ti,e(: -'tie s'ys( 87y ,other '&d sister
i&sisted o& h'!li&g ,e i&to ' )'r '&d drivi&g ,e three or
+o!r ,iles o!t o+ to=&. I o&ly ,'de it three or +o!r ,iles
"e+ore I ='s i& 'go&y( so""i&g i& terror. To le've ,y
ho,e ='s so,ethi&g very di++i)!lt to do. #he& people
s'= ,e li$e th't I +elt i&st'&t'&eo!s lo'thi&g ? they
lo'thed ,e '&d I lo'thed the,. No= I $&o= th't ='s&Ft
re'lly the )'se( "!t I )o!ld&Ft $&o= th't the&. This is
=h't gives ,e '& !lti,'te respe)t +or the si)$est o+ the
si)$. #e 're i&&o)e&t. #e 're so i&&o)e&t. Co,p'ssio&.
8The l'st t=o ye'rs o+ th't seve& ye'rs o+ p'i& I
spe&t ,ostly i& ,y "edroo, lyi&g o& the "ed. 7y
)lothes st!)$ to ,e "e)'!se I )o!ld&Ft "'the. I "r!shed
12B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
,y teeth =he& I )o!ld. I =e&t ,o&ths G!st hopi&g th't
so,eti,e I =o!ld ='&t to "r!sh ,y teeth. It ='s &ot '
possi"ility. 7y h'ir st!)$ to ,e. I )o!ldFt "'the. I =o!ld
i+ I )o!ld. It see,s th't ,y p'i& the& is i& dire)t
proportio& to ,y .oy &o=.:
She s'ys she ='s i&s'&e. Her ,iddle )hild( Ross(
re,e,"ers th't he Goi&ed her i& th't ti&y ,e&t'l roo,(
)o)oo&ed there( &eedi&g her( =illi&g to do '&ythi&g to
e&s!re his )o&&e)tio& =ith her eve& i+ it ,e'&t livi&g o++
the s',e p'i&.
8The o&ly ='y IF, '"le to re'lly $&o= '"o!t her is
thro!gh ,y o=& eDperie&)e. Thro!gh ,y o=& +eeli&gs.:
He spe'$s so+tly =ith ' to!)h o+ h!,or i& his to&e( 's
tho!gh heFs ',!sed th't he did&Ft !&derst'&d his li+e 'll
'lo&g. 8She ='s ' tot'l r'ge'holi). A&d so ='s I. She
='s i&s'&e '&d I ='s i&s'&e. The o&ly ='y IF, '"le to
see so,ethi&g i& so,eo&e else is i+ th't is ,e. #e 're so
li&$ed( li$e Goi&ed 't the hipI everythi&g sheFs go&e
thro!gh( IFve go&e thro!gh ' little l'ter. SheFs ,y
te')her.
8I ='s &!ts ? so si)$ I )o!ld&Ft ,ove ? =he& I ='s
t=e&ty1three. A&d 't the s',e 'ge she h'd "ee& '"le to
')t( do '&ythi&gI she ='s the spirit o+ the =hole +',ily ?
the p'rty perso&( the perso& everyo&e +lo)$ed to( the o&e
everyo&e ='&ted to "e li$e. I re,e,"er she h'd '
!$!lele '&d =o!ld si&g '&d "e the li+e o+ the p'rty( the
e&ergy( this i&)redi"le spirit( "!t 't the s',e ti,e she
='s si)$( si)$( si)$. She '&d ,y d'd =o!ld G!st "r!t'lly
go +or it( +ight.:
Ross is &o= ' s!))ess+!l Holly=ood ,!si)
prod!)er '&d ,!si)i'&. #he& he t'l$s o+ his )hildhood(
he reve'ls the prese&)e i& hi,sel+ o+ th't heighte&ed
se&sitivity )h'r')teristi) o+ 'rtists.
;&ly i& RossFs e'rliest )hildhood did his s!rro!&d1
125
i&gs ,'t)h his te,per',e&t. He es)'ped the "r!t'lity o+
his ho,e i&to the =ide sp')e o+ &'t!re. Everythi&g
'"o!t Needles( the l'&d itsel+( &o!rished hi,.
8#e lived o& the river i& the desert. It ='s '
<od1pl')e.: This is his "egi&&i&g. The "egi&&i&g ='s
short. I h'd the dogs( the desert( the ='ter ? everythi&g
='s right there. 0!t =he& ,y ,o, '&d d'd divor)ed(
=he& I ='s i& third gr'de( it ='s 'll go&e( '&d ,y <od
"e)',e ' televisio& set '&d +ood.
8#e ,oved to Nev'd'. It ='s "r!t'l. The +irst d'y
o+ s)hool I h'd to "e the )oolest( ,ost per+e)t $id. Th'tFs
o&e o+ ,y de+e)ts. I )h'lle&ged ' )o!ple o+ $ids 't the
s)hool. %or the +irst ti,e i& ,y li+e( I )he'ted o& ' test.
It ='s the +irst ti,e i& ,y ,e,ory I le'r&ed ho= to lie(
)he't( ste'l ? everythi&g.
8The &eDt ye'r =e ,oved to 0'rsto=. 7o, "eg'&
g'i&i&g ,ore =eight. I "e)',e ,ore '&d ,ore '&gry.
She ='s over t=o h!&dred po!&ds. I ='s G!st ? I ='s so
s)'ttered I G!st )o!ld&Ft st!dy i& s)hool( I )o!ld&Ft get it.
I h'd to "e the per+e)t $id( so I le'r&ed ho= to =or$ the
te')hers '&d I =o!ld get i&to their gr'de "oo$s. I =o!ld
p!t i& di++ere&t gr'des '&d do '&ythi&g I )o!ld to "e
per+e)t. I did it '&y ='y I )o!ld. I+ ,y ,o, ='&ted i)e
)re',( I ='s the +irst o&e to go get it( ,e '&d ,y
stepd'd ? he ='s ' gre't e'ti&g p'rt&er too.:
RossFs &eed to "e per+e)t '&d his &eed +or
)o&&e)tio& =ith his ,other =ere o&e '&d the s',e.
er+e)tio& ='s =h'tever he &eeded to do to "e
'))ept'"le. 7ore th'& '&ythi&g( he +e'red losi&g her.
8I re,e,"er o&e o+ ,y +irst ,e,ories o+ "ei&g
'+r'id she =o!ld "e go&e: She ='s "'re+oot '&d she r'&
str'ight i&to the desert =ith ,y d'd r!&&i&g '+ter her(
'&d I ='s G!st ' little "oy '&d I tho!ght she ='s &ever
)o,i&g "')$. I tho!ght she ='s goi&g to "e de'd.
12A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8I st'rted o!t(: he eDpl'i&s( 8=ith ,y older "rother
doi&g so,ethi&g re'lly horri"le to ,e '&d "l')$,'ili&g
,e.: He "eg'& to )o&str!)t the 8I(: the perso& th't he
=o!ld "e)o,e.
8I "e)',e 'sh',ed(: he re+le)ts. 8I "elieve th't
"e)'!se I ='s the )e&ter o+ 'tte&tio&( 0o""y G!st h'd it
i& +or ,e. He ='&ted to get ,e or so,ethi&g. So I
"e)',e ,y ,o,Fs )'ret'$er. I sh!t do=&. I did&Ft t'l$.
All I did ='s to "e the '"sol!tely ,ost per+e)t $id i& the
=orld.
8It ='s ' ,i&d1set th't $ept t'$i&g ,e over. Her
distorted thi&$i&g ='s 'lso getti&g =orse thro!gho!t ,y
gro=i&g !p( '&d =he&ever she ='s i& p'i&( I ='s there.
#he&ever she ='&ted to t'l$ shit( I ='s there to t'l$
shit. #e =ere i& this together( +!ll( h'rd )ore. #he& she
'te ' h'l+ g'llo& o+ i)e )re',( I 'te =ith her. #he& she
got !p to go to the "'throo, to thro= !p( I did the s',e
thi&g. #e h'd this ','Hi&g p'th together.
8#e "oth =e&t to eDtre,es. Reve&ge ='s ' "ig
thi&g 's +'r 's +!)$i&g people !p ? she =o!ld destroy
people to get =h't she ='&ted. She destroyed the, &ot
"y physi)'lly h!rti&g the, "!t "y getti&g her ='y. It
='s =he& her ='y stopped =or$i&g +or her th't she
"eg'& getti&g i,,e's!r'"ly si)$. She 'l,ost died. I
re,e,"er she =o!ld "e l'yi&g i& "ed '&d ,y d'd =o!ld
s'y( F;h( yo! &eed ' &!,"er three.E HeFd t'$e her
)odei&e QB every si&gle ,or&i&g. The& the i)e )re',
'+ter th't. HeFd give her ,ore )odei&e. Every si&gle
&ight it ='s )odei&e '&d i)e )re',. 7'ssive +ood( dr!gs(
'&d 'l)ohol. .!st ,'ssive.
80y the ti,e she =e&t to the hospit'l( I ='s
)o,pletely o!t o+ )o&trol. I ='s '+r'id o+ "ei&g
'"'&do&ed( '+r'id o+ "ei&g =itho!t ,y ,o,( '+r'id o+
"ei&g =itho!t ,y god. 6p to the& I tho!ght 'll o+ it ='s
126
&or,'l. I did&Ft $&o=. I tho!ght( this is =h't people do. I
tho!ght th't I ='s s!pposed to e't e&o!gh +ood to p'ss
o!t. I &ever got +'t "!t I re,e,"er i& +o!rth gr'de
"!yi&g s)hool )lothes '&d loo$i&g 't ,ysel+ i& the
dressi&g roo, '&d s'yi&g( FI h'te yo!.F
8I ='s i& de&i'l. I did&Ft thi&$ she h'd ' pro"le,.
#h't she ='s see,ed &or,'l "e)'!se it ='s ,y li+e
eDperie&)eI I did&Ft $&o= '&y di++ere&t.
8ThereFs ' pi)t!re th't s!,s it 'll !p( the o&e =here
she h's the "eer '&d the )ig'rette '&d the ,otor ho,e.
She ='s h!geJ A&d I ='s sitti&g &eDt to her tot'lly
pissed o++ '&d ,iser'"le. She )'rries it =ith her. ItFs
pretty '=eso,e. ;h ,y <odJ I loo$ 't it '&d +l'sh "')$
to =here I ='s '&d the +eeli&g is ? 'll th't )r'Hi&ess.:
0yro& -'tieFs eldest so&( 0o"( .r.( sees his ,otherFs
tr'&s+or,'tio& '&d po&ders it. 8I do&Ft $&o= ,!)h '"o!t
=h't sheFs doi&g &o=(: he tells ,e =he& I t'l$ =ith hi,
o& ' S!&d'y ,or&i&g. IF, sitti&g 't ,y $it)he& t'"le i&
7'rti&eH. The pho&e )o&&e)ts !s.
8I $&o= sheFs doi&g =o&der+!l thi&gs(: he tells ,e(
8Not G!st +or hersel+ "!t +or other people. I 's$ her +or
'dvi)e '"o!t thi&gs. She see,s so tr!th+!l '&d )le'r. ItFs
li$e "ei&g '"le to 's$ so,e"ody =hoFs right. She gives
'& opi&io& th't gro!ps 'll the r',i+i)'tio&s 'ro!&d '
)e&tr'l poi&t. She )'& give yo! the =hole pl'yi&g +ield
'&d still &ot ,iss the )e&tr'l thi&g( the eD')t poi&t th't is
so &i)e to he'r. Its everythi&g i& o&e. I re'lly e&Goy th't.
I do&Ft $&o= =here it )o,es +ro,( "!t IF, so gl'd.:
#he& he ='s gro=i&g !p( he tho!ght his ,other
=o!ld die. He s'= th't everythi&g she ='&ted =o!ld
&ever "e e&o!gh. He s'= her '&ger over th't. He s'=
her depressio& '&d her r'ge. He s'ys her p'i& ='s e'ti&g
her 'live.
12C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8She G!st st!++ed it do=& =ith )r!,"y +ood '&d
'l)ohol. She =o!ld $ill ,e( I tho!ght( i+ I did '&ythi&g. I
='s &ot )o,+ort'"le( ever. IFd go i&to the ho!se( '&d I
G!st $&e= I ='s goi&g to get "l'sted. #he& she got to
0'rsto= she got "igger '&d "igger '&d ,e'&er. She p!t
so ,!)h o& ,eI she h'd so ,!)h rese&t,e&t to='rd ,y
d'd: FTh't so&1o+1'1g!& too$ everythi&g(F '&d her
=ordi&g ='s )olor+!l. /ery( very ,e'&. She s'id every
)!ss =ord yo! )'& i,'gi&e. SheFd )o,e o!t '&d rip ,e
!p o&e side '&d do=& the other. 0')$ i& the e'rly d'ys
=he& she ='s =ith ,y d'd( every"ody =ho =or$ed +or
the, $&e= &ot to )ross her "e)'!se she ='s th't ,e'& ?
getti&g i&to !&io& stri$es '&d ... I ,e'& she )o!ld $ill
so,e"ody( '"sol!tely $ill so,e"ody.
8Aro!&d 1926 I )o!ld "egi& to see her 's she re'lly
='s o& the o!tside. 0y the& she ='s si)$ '&d very( very
he'vy. She got so si)$ she )o!ld h've died. I do&Ft $&o=
=ho )h'&ged it( or =ho did it( or =h't h'ppe&ed( or
=h't ='s the )'t'lyst. She st'rted )!tti&g thro!gh the
distortio& '&d slo=ly getti&g her ,i&d i&to =h't she
re'lly is. Every visit =ith her '+ter th't I )o!ld see her
progress i&to ' lighter perso&( so,e"ody =hoFs very &i)e
to "e 'ro!&d.
8Yo! $&o= people yo! ,'y h've ,et i& li+e =ho
're re'lly !gly '&d vi)io!s '&d yo! )'& tell th't theyFve
gotte& =h't they ='&ted i& li+e( 'll the ti,e( 't other
peopleFs eDpe&se> Th'tFs "'si)'lly ho= I s'= her "e+ore.
So,e"ody yo! ,ight i&sti&)tively disli$e. They h've it
'll '&d they 're G!st goi&g to p!sh yo! o!t o+ the ='y
"e)'!se they 're the ,ost i,port'&t. Th't $i&d o+
perso&. 7e +irst. Th'&$ good&ess( &o= sheFs
!&re)og&iH'"le 's th't s',e perso&. ItFs *!ite ' relie+ +or
'll o+ !s "e)'!se she ='s ' re'l "'ttleshipJ
122
8SheFs "losso,ed i&to this perso& =hoFs !&"eliev1
'"le. She &ot o&ly h's the e&ergy she h'd =he& she ='s
yo!&g ? =he& she h'd the $iller i&sti&)t ? "!t &o= itFs
=o&der+!l. ItFs gre't to "e i& her prese&)e. SheFs ' $i&d
'&d h'ppy perso&( the perso& I 'l='ys loved !&der&e'th
'll th't )r'p( the perso& I )o&sidered ,y tr!e ,other ?
&ot th't h'te+!l perso&. Every ye'r sheFs topped hersel+(
over '&d over.:
0o"( .r.( '&d I t'l$ +or ' lo&g ti,e. 0y the e&d o+
o!r )o&vers'tio&( heFs "e)o,e pe&sive '&d i& so,e
='ys( i&ti,'te. He th'&$s ,e +or +erreti&g o!t this story(
tryi&g to ,'$e se&se o+ it( o+ the p'i& his +',ily
e&d!red. .!st "e+ore =e s'y good"ye( his ,i&d pl'ys '
"it o+ ' tri)$ o& hi,( eDp'&di&g his perso&'l eDperie&)e
i&to ' )!lt!r'l p'r'dig,.
8Every"ody s'ys the good ti,es =ere "')$ i& the
seve&ties(: he re+le)ts( 80!t do&Ft yo! +eel li$e( eve&
=ith 'll the t!r,oil tod'y( th't t=e&ty ye'rs "')$
everythi&g ='s re'lly o!t o+ )o&trol> Every"ody
)o,pl'i&s( "!t I +eel li$e tod'y is +!ll o+ gre't &e=
eDperie&)es. 7y <odJ #e 're e&Goyi&g the "est o+ it
right &o=. #e h've so,e s'&ity.:
Th't +irst eve&i&g I spe&t =ith 0yro&( so,eo&e
's$ed '"o!t her )hildre&. #e =ere liste&i&g to her spe'$
'"o!t the $i&d o+ 9ove th't ,'$es &o disti&)tio&s( '
9ove th't )'&&ot s'y( 8I love this perso& ,ore '&d th't
o&e less.: Yo! love the ;&e i& +ro&t o+ yo!. Yo! '))ept
th't 9ove. It ,ight "e yo!r h!s"'&d or yo!r =i+e. It
,ight "e yo!r )hild. 0!t it ,ight G!st 's e'sily "e '&
'ddi)t i& ' d'r$ 'lley =hoFs got ' $&i+e to yo!r thro't.
80!t yo!r )hildre& ? 8 so,eo&e "l!rted o!t(
8S!rely yo! love yo!r )hildre& ,ore. S!rely i+ yo! =ere
129
A CRY IN THE DESERT
)o&+ro&ted =ith ' )hoi)e( it =o!ld "e yo!r )hildre& yo!
=o!ld )hoose.:
She s'id( 8I )'&Ft $&o= =h't I =o!ld doI itFs &ot
h'ppe&i&g &o=.: I re)'ll the deep )o,p'ssio& i& her
eyes. She told !s ho= she h!rt the,( &ot the =hole
story( "!t e&o!gh. She s'id ho= they h'd +e'red her(
ho= they h'd every right to go '='y. They h've their
lives. 8I let the, go.: Her voi)e ='s stro&g '&d her eyes
deter,i&ed. 8They do &ot "elo&g to ,e.: The& she
le'&ed "')$ o& the so+'( r'ised her eyes( p!t her h'&ds
over her he'rt( s,iled( '&d =hispered( 8I love the, th't
,!)hJ:
Ye'rs p'ssed "e+ore RoD'&& '&d Ross le'r&ed The
#or$.
RossFs he'li&g "eg'& =he& he )'lled his ,other '&d
's$ed +or her help. She s'id yes. They =e&t together i&to
the desert '&d she g've hi, The #or$. Thro!gh The
#or$ he "eg'& to !&e'rth his deepest +e'rs ? the +e'r o+
'"'&do&,e&t( the +e'r o+ "ei&g =itho!t his ,other( the
+e'r o+ losi&g his <od. ;&e d'y he ='s =riti&g The
#or$ '"o!t ' girl+rie&d( so,eo&e he $&e= to "e '
,irror o+ hi,sel+. 8I ='&ted her to )'ll ,e '&d tell ,e
she loves ,e(: Ross eDpl'i&s. 8The& I t!r&ed it 'ro!&d
+ro, FI &eed her to )'ll ,e '&d tell ,e she loves ,e(F to
FRoss &eeds to )'ll ,e '&d tell ,e he loves ,e.F
8I did th't. I )'lled ,y '&s=eri&g ,')hi&e. It ='s
o&e o+ the h'rdest thi&gs IFve do&e i& ,y li+e. #he& I
he'rd ,y voi)e 's$i&g +or ,y love( I eDperie&)ed '&
!&"eliev'"le spirit!'l '='$e&i&g. 7y li+e t!r&ed 'ro!&d
so )o,pletely '&d so +'st.
8;&)e "e+ore this '='$e&i&g I ='s i& To=er
193
Re)ords( '&d I stole ' t'pe eve& tho!gh I h'd t=o
h!&dred doll'rs i& ,y po)$et. I do&Ft $&o= ? ,'y"e I
='s tryi&g to +ill ' void or ,'y"e I ='s eve& tryi&g to
get )'!ght. A&y='y( they )'!ght ,e '&d h'&d)!++ed ,e
'&d ='l$ed ,e thro!gh the ,iddle o+ this store o&
S!&set 0o!lev'rd.
8No= I do&Ft lie '&y,ore. I do&Ft ste'l. I do&Ft h've
to s!++er these thi&gs '&y,ore. I do&Ft h've to '"!se ,y
girl+rie&d "y e,"'rr'ssi&g her to ,'$e ,ysel+ loo$
"etter. I do&Ft h've to !se '&yo&e. I do&Ft h've to h!rt
,ysel+ '&y,ore either. ItFs i&)redi"le.
8Thro!gh The #or$ I +o!&d <od. Th'tFs the )ore
o+ ,y ,otherFs =or$ ? +i&di&g <od. The ,e&t'l =eight
$eeps droppi&g '&d ,y "ody $eeps getti&g stro&ger( ,y
"r'i& +irst '&d the& ,y "ody +ollo=s. I get to drop the
,e&t'l =eight. I do&Ft h've to '"!se ,ysel+ i& '&y ='y
'&y,ore. A&d &o= ,y )'reer is tot'lly )re'tive. IF,
doi&g eD')tly =h't I ='&t to do. IF, livi&g eD')tly =here
I ='&t to live '&d =or$i&g eD')tly =here I ='&t to =or$.
I h've eD')tly =h't I ='&t. I s!rre&dered '&d g've ,y
lies to Tr!th '&d did&Ft +or)e it. I got it( +i&'lly.
8Thro!gh The #or$ I see =h'tFs re'lly tr!e. This
=or$ is ? is <od. There 're so ,'&y ,ir')les. Every d'y
I eDperie&)e ,ir')les every si&gle d'y.:
0oth Ross '&d RoD'&& ,'de =or$shops =ith their
,other '&d he'led the =o!&ds o+ the p'st. 0!t +or ' lo&g
ti,e '+ter 0yro& -'tieFs '='$e&i&g( RoD'&& )o!ld &ot
"elieve her ,other h'd )h'&ged. D!ri&g this ti,e
RoD'&& held to ' desp'ir th't rose +ro, her "elie+ th't
she h'd &ot h'd the ,other she deserved. This RoD'&&
'l,ost died.
She dr'&$ he'vily. She h'ted hersel+ '&d ='&ted
to die. She t!r&ed 'g'i&st hersel+ '&d the 'tt')$
,'&i+ested itsel+ i& her "ody. She stopped prod!)i&g
191
A CRY IN THE DESERT
progestero&e '&d the "lood +lo=ed +or ' ,o&th =itho!t
stoppi&g. RoD'&& po!red her li+e o!t. She ='s "leedi&g
hersel+ to de'th. She l'y i& ' tre't,e&t )e&ter. 0yro& s't
"eside herI she did&Ft i&ter+ere.
8She let ,e "e si)$.: RoD'&& s'ys she hopes she
)'& eDpl'i& this 'de*!'tely. She s'ys she $&o=s itFs
di++i)!lt to gr'sp( to !&derst'&d the 9ove it sho=s. 8I
='s dyi&g. 7y ,other s'id she loved ,e so ,!)h she
=o!ld let ,e die. She ='t)hed ,e. I ='s s!i)id'l. Still
she did&Ft step i&.
8So I ='s i& the tre't,e&t )e&ter '&d I got to
thi&$i&g: I ='&t her +reedo,J Th't ='s the "egi&&i&g o+
,y he'li&g. I =e&t to T=elve Step ,eeti&gs. I ='&ted
,ore. I still did&Ft h've e&o!gh h'ppi&ess( Goy( +reedo,.
Th't ='s =he& I "eg'& to 'tte&d her =or$shops '&d do
The #or$ )o,"i&ed =ith her r'= +ood )le'&se.:
It ='s ' high1po=ered =or$shop. RoD'&& '&d Ross
'tte&ded 'lo&g =ith &!,ero!s do)tors( ther'pists( '&d
spirit!'l te')hers. ThereFs ' ph'se o+ The #or$ d!ri&g
=hi)h people 'llo= the three1ye'r1old ego )hild =ithi&
the, to s'y =h'tever they ='&t '&other perso& to do. I&
RoD'&&Fs '&d RossFs =or$ it )',e do=& to 87other
sho!ld@:
8#e re'lly =e&t '+ter her(: RoD'&& s'ys. 8#e =ere
doi&g 'll those F,other sho!lds... '&d ,other
sho!ld&Fts@F '&d I got so '&gry I h'd to go i&to the &eDt
roo,. IFd liste& to her t'l$ "!t I )o!ld&Ft loo$ 't her +')e
=itho!t +eeli&g si)$ '&d e&r'ged. All o+ the &eeds I h'd
's ' )hild )',e po!ri&g o!t. %i&'lly she )',e !p to ,e
'&d got i&to ,y +')e '&d s'id FI =ill &ever "e the ,other
yo! ='&t ,e to "e. IFll &ever "e '"le to do th't +or yo!(
RoD'&&. ItFs &ot ,y Go". C'& yo! ,other yo!rsel+>F
8All the people there( 'll those ther'pists '&d
every"ody( =ere 'sto!&ded "y the ide' th't eve& she
194
)o!ld&Ft ,'$e !p +or =h't ='s l')$i&g i& ,e ... i&
'&yo&eJ
8Th't ='s the ,o,e&t o+ ,y he'li&g. I $&e=. ItFs
,i&e( ,y =or$. She s't there( so )le'r. I )o!ld see(
everyo&e )o!ld see. ThereFs &o di++ere&)e "et=ee& ,e
'&d the others. Th't ='s ,y he'li&g.:
0yro& s!ggested th't 'll the =o,e& 't the
=or$shop ,other RoD'&&. ;&e =o,'& too$ her i& her
'r,s '&d s'&g to her. She )r'dled her li$e ' "'"y '&d
s'&g ' l!ll'"y. The ,other is =here =e re)og&iHe her. 8I
'))epted the 9ove th't ='s i& +ro&t o+ ,e. A&d do yo!
$&o= =h't is re'lly =o&der+!l> T=o ,o&ths l'ter I got
preg&'&t. I '))epted everythi&g I &eeded '"o!t ,others
'&d the& I "e)',e o&e.:
No o&e is si)$ 'lo&eI &o o&e is he'led 'lo&e. The
,other '&d her )hildre& 're o&e. Th't ;&e is '='$e.
19B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
THE ;THER SIDE ;% DEATH
.!st 's I ', p!tti&g the +i&ishi&g to!)hes o& the
,'&!s)ript RoD'&& )'lls.
89'st ti,e I t'l$ed to yo! I ='s preg&'&t( right>:
8Right.: 0yro& h'd sh'red "its o+ her gr'&dso&Fs
"irth story =ith ,e. I ='t)hed the "'"y )o,e i&( ,y
h'&ds re'dy to hold( '&d the tho!ght ='s( 8HereFs this
=o&der+!l little ego )o,i&g i& to !&do itsel+.: She 'lso
i,plied th't the "irth eDperie&)e "ro!ght ' deeper
'='$e&i&g to RoD'&&.
8#ell(: RoD'&& )o&ti&!es( 8eople )'ll here( yo!
$&o=. #he& ,y ,other goes o!t o+ to=& she le'ves ,y
&!,"er 's ' re+ere&)e. They 's$ ,e( F#h't does yo!r
,o, do>F '&d the ,ost )o,,o& *!estio& they 's$ is(
F#hy =o!ld I )o,e to ' =or$shop>F I tell the, the story
o+ =he& R')e ='s "or&.:
8Yes>:
8This is =h't h'ppe&ed. I =e&t i&to l'"or. It ='s '
re'lly lo&g l'"or '&d it ='s pre,'t!re. A+ter I l'"ored
+or thirtee&( +o!rtee& ho!rs( he +i&'lly )',e o!t '&d he
='s&Ft "re'thi&g 't 'll. It too$ +o!r ,i&!tes +or hi, to
"re'the. The people i& the roo, =ere ,e( ,y ,other(
,y ,other1i&1l'=( '&d ,y h!s"'&d. A&d =he& the "'"y
)',e o!t &ot "re'thi&g( 't +irst it ='s&Ft ' "ig de'l( "!t
the& 'll these &!rses )',e r!& r!&&i&g i& to 'ssist the
do)tor '&d they too$ the "'"y '='y '&d p!t hi, o& '
t'"le. The &!rses p'&i)$ed. FCo,e o&( "'"y( )o,e o&(
,'$e ' &oiseI )o,e o&( .!st "re'the( )o,e o& '&d
"re'the( )o,e o&.E They =ere 'll )o')hi&g the "'"y.
195
8I st'rted +eeli&g '&Diety( 7y +irst respo&se ='s(
F;h ,y <od.F A&d the& I +elt ,ysel+ losi&g ,ysel+. #h't
I did &eDt ='s to )lose ,y eyes '&d go i&side. I 's$ed
,ysel+( F#ill I "e o$'y i+ the "'"y does&Ft "re'the>F
8A&d I =e&t i&side o+ th't pl')e( '&d I s'id( FYes.F
A&d I ope&ed ,y eyes '&d loo$ed 't the people 'ro!&d
,e '&d s'= ,y ,o, =ho ='s s,ili&g ? &ot ' +!ll s,ile
"!t th't )o&te&t s,ile she h's. She ='s ='t)hi&g( G!st
o"servi&g. She h'd her h'&ds )l'sped. Yo! $&o= ho=
she is =he& sheFs =or$i&g =ith so,eo&e '&d they
s!dde&ly get it> She )l'sps her h'&ds '&d $i&d o+ gri&s>
She ='s doi&g th't. She ='s eDperie&)i&g the s',e
pe')e 's I ='s. #h't I re'liHed ='s th't it ='s
'"sol!tely <odFs "!si&ess.:
IF, pro+o!&dly to!)hed "y her +'ith. The ,e,ory
o+ ,'&y de'ths o+ people IFve loved p'ss "e+ore the eye
o+ ,y ,i&d. 8Yes( RoD'&&(: I ,!r,!r.
8#e "oth stood i& th't( ='t)hi&g the =hole =orld
go )r'Hy 'ro!&d !s. The& +o!r ,i&!tes l'ter he +i&'lly
st'rted "re'thi&g.:
IF, "ei&g give& ' gi+t here '&d I $&o= th't. This is
the story o& =hi)h the "oo$ "'l'&)es( ' +!l)r!,. I& it the
e&tirety o+ 0yro&Fs te')hi&g +i&ds e,"odi,e&t i& her
d'!ghter.
80!t =he& I tell people this story(: RoD'&&
)o&ti&!es( 8They go( F;h ,y <odJ ;h ,y <od( ho=
)o!ld yo! do th't>F ;&)e =he& I told this story it
horri+ied ' =hole roo,+!l o+ people.:
8IFve see& th't re')tio&(: I tell her. IF, thi&$i&g o+
the people 't C'rol 9y&&Fs <'theri&g. IF, re,e,"eri&g
=h't S', told ,e '"o!t so,e people &ot ='&ti&g to
e&)o!&ter 0yro& 'g'i& '+ter their +irst eDperie&)e =ith
her. 8IFve see& people re')t th't ='y to yo!r ,otherFs
19A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
stories( &ot G!st this o&e "!t others 's =ell. ItFs so
i&teresti&g to ,e ? theyFre horri+ied. . .: I h've so,e
theories '"o!t this "!t I ='&t to he'r =h't RoD'&& h's
to s'y.
8It tells the, th't 'll there is is <od.:
8Yes( I s!ppose th'tFs it.:
8ThereFs G!st ,e '&d <od. I+ I do&Ft $&o= th't '&d
so,e"ody )o&+ir,s th't Tr!th( IF, horri+ied. I+ ' perso&
thi&$s th't the ,ost i,port'&t thi&g i& the =hole =orld
is +',ily '&d Go"s '&d t'$i&g )'re o+ other people '&d I
tell the, th't IF, o$'y i+ ,y "'"y dies( the& it horri+ies
th't perso&. Horri+ies .... IFve "ee& i& roo,s =ith lots o+
people '&d IFve told th't eDperie&)e. The +irst ti,e I told
it( I h'd ' +rie&d =ith ,e '&d ' ,'& si&gled ,e o!t
'+ter='rd '&d s'id Feople =ho 're 's high 's yo! get
lo'dedJ:F She l'!ghs ' "it( re,e,"eri&g. 8It G!st
horri+ied hi,.:
I tell her '"o!t ,y )o&vers'tio& =ith S', ? his
per)eptio& th't so,e people 're '+r'id o+ 0yro& -'tie. I
thi&$ th't i+ yo! '))ept th't yo!r ,other is =h't she
s'ys the& it +ollo=s th't yo!r =hole li+e )'& )h'&ge.
Everythi&g yo!Fve =or$ed +or 'll yo!r li+e )'& +'ll '='y.
It see,s 's tho!gh so,e people i&terpret this +'lli&g
'='y 's dev'st'tio&. 0!t ')t!'lly( =he& it h'ppe&s( the
o&ly thi&g le+t is <od '&d th'tFs everythi&g. 0!t people
do&Ft $&o= th't !&til they $&o= it. So to let th't h'ppe&
is '& eDtr'ordi&'ry gr')e( so,ethi&g =e )'&&ot do +or
o!rselves. It G!st is.:
8Yes( Yes(: RoD'&& 'grees. 8She !sed to get h'te
,'il. . .:
8She did>:
8She !sed to go to T=elve Step ,eeti&gs '&d sh're.
eople h'd&Ft 's$ed her to )o,e '&d th't ='s the
di++ere&)e. TheyFd "e people =ho =ere tr'ditio&'l ?
196
"o!&d "y their tr'ditio&s. A&d ,y ,o, =o!ld sho= !p
'&d sh're her li+e =ith people =ho re'lly =ere&Ft re'dy
to he'r it. eople =rote to her '&d *!oted the 0i"le '&d
)'lled her ' =it)hJ
8-'tie &ever told ,e th't h'ppe&ed to her.: I thi&$
o+ ho= sheFs )h'&ged. She &ever '&s=ers ' *!estio&ed
th't h's &ot "ee& 's$ed.
8She lives i& the prese&t '&d this ='s *!ite ' +e=
ye'rs 'go.: RoD'&& is l'!ghi&g =ith the ,e,ory( ' deep
l'!ghter th't so rese,"les 0yro& -'tieFs. 8A&d the
+!&&y p'rt o+ it is th't 7o, =o!ld t'$e the *!otes '&d
displ'y the, 's ' )herished gi+t. SheFd go( F;h(
loo$. . .F'&d p!t it !p... yo! $&o=( li$e Fth'&$ yo! +or
sh'ri&g...F This is o&e ='y she )',e to $&o= hersel+.
She sees '&d he'rs 'll 's 9ove.:
8SheFs s!)h ' ho&ey.: 0oth o+ !s see, =r'pped i&
her i&&o)e&)e( delighted. 8Th'tFs so,ethi&g I +i&d so
=o&der+!l '"o!t her: Her respo&ses 're so !&eDpe)ted i&
the =or$'d'y =orld. At o&e <'theri&g ' ,'& )'lled her
'& '&'r)hist. . .:
I s!ppose she s'id( FI )'& see th'tJF ItFs re'lly +!&&y.
;&e o+ her "ig te')hi&gs is th't( yo! $&o=( FHeFs rightJF
0e)'!se =eFve 'll "ee& th't so,eti,e ? so,e=here(
so,eho=. SheFs do&e th'tI "ee& '& '&'r)hist. SheFs '
riotJ:
#h't $i&d o+ '&'r)hy =o!ld 0yro&Fs "e> I+ =e 'll
lived 's 0yro& lives( o!r 8+ighti&g o!t o+ )o&trol: =o!ld
"e over =ho )o!ld serve the other +irst '&d )o,pletely
!&sel+ishly. This is the '&'r)hy she te')hes.
RoD'&& s!dde&ly )h'&ges dire)tio&. 8IFve pro"'"ly
told yo! this ? ,'y"e &ot. A&yho=( =he& she +irst =o$e
!p( "!,s =o!ld )o,e !p to her o& the street '&d 's$ her
to hold the,. It ='s the =ildest thi&g. IFd s'y( li$e(
F7o,( yo!Fre h!ggi&g ' tr'&sie&t.E :
19C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8Th'tFs ' "e'!ti+!l story(: I )o,,e&t. 8I& the "oo$
IF, tryi&g to sho= ho= =ell yo!r ,other +its i&to 'll o+
the '&)ie&t spirit!'l tr'ditio&s. SheFs &ot o!t o+ sy&) =ith
the '&)ie&t =isdo,. The story o+ h!ggi&g the "!,s is
'&)ie&t. .es!s e,"r')ed the leper. S'i&t %r'&)is $issed
the leper. 7'&y I&di'& s'i&ts did the s',e. It see,s 's i+
these gre't "ei&gs =ho !&derst'&d =ho =e re'lly 're
do&Ft h've the preG!di)es '&d +e'rs th't the rest o+ !s
h've ? the +e'r th't s'ys th't )o&t')t =ith the poor( the
si)$( the perso& =ith AIDS( the priso&er( the o!t)'st =ill
so,eho= )o&t',i&'te !s.:
8Yes. A&d ,y ,other h's e,"r')ed the perso&
=ith AIDS +ro, d'y o&e.: RoD'&& ,oves 'g'i&( "')$ to
the "'"y. 8I ='&ted to tell yo! so,ethi&g else '"o!t the
"'"y. Thro!gh ,y preg&'&)y I spe&t '"o!t '& ho!r e')h
d'y ,edit'ti&g =ith hi,. I& ,y ,edit'tio&s =e =e&t
every pl')e I loved. Every pl')e th't ever g've ,e Goy(
=e =e&t there. I 'l='ys "ro!ght o!t ho= =o&der+!l it is
here. Th't ='s ,y ,edit'tio&. A&d this "'"y is the ,ost
)o&te&t perso&J So,e people =ho h've held hi, h've
told ,e theyFve &ever held s!)h ' )'l, "'"y. He r'rely
)ries. He sleeps 'll &ight. He &'ps d!ri&g the d'y. #he&
he ='&ts so,ethi&g &o= he Ft'l$sF i& ' )ert'i& to&e o+
voi)e '&d I $&o= I &eed to )h'&ge his di'per or +eed
hi,. I& ' ,o&thFs ti,e he ,ight )ry three or +o!r ti,es.
6s!'lly itFs =he& ,y h!s"'&d '&d I 're ro!ghho!si&g
'&d o!r voi)es 're too lo!d. #eFre re'lly ti)$lish '&d
o&)e i& ' =hile =e G!st 'tt')$ e')h other. #eFll "e
s*!e'li&g '&d R')e =ill )ry "e)'!se itFs too lo!d.:
7y =riterFs i,'gi&'tio& pi)$s !p this i&+or,'tio&
'&d tries to ,'$e so,ethi&g pro+o!&d +ro, it. 8It stri$es
,e( RoD'&&( th't yo! pro,ised hi, pe')e d!ri&g 'll
those ,edit'tio&s. A&d i& the delivery roo,( =he& he
192
still ='s&Ft s!re( =h't dre= hi, i& ='s yo!r de)isio& +or
pe')eI the& there ='s yo!r ,other( i& pe')e thro!gh 'll
th't t!r,oil th't he s'= i& the roo,. A&d pe')e ='s his
)hoi)e.:
She i&terr!pts ,e. 8Th'tFs re'lly &o&e o+ ,y
"!si&ess(: she "ri&gs ,e "')$ to e'rth. 8Th'tFs 'll '
proGe)tio& o+ =h't he thi&$s. #h't I thi&$ is th't his e'rs
're&Ft developedJ:
I "re'$ o!t i& l'!ghter. There =ill "e &o dr','
here( &o ,'s*!er'de.
8#h't I do $&o= is th't heFs tot'lly )o&te&t( '&d
th'tFs 'll I $&o=. 0!t o& the other h'&d( his e'rs
pro"'"ly 're&Ft developed. He does&Ft li$e to loo$ i&to
the s!& either.: She "e)o,es *!ite so"er. 8I thi&$ '"o!t
the ge&er'tio&s )h'&gi&g. I h've '& opi&io& o+ =h't he
h's &o=. HeFs good. HeFs so good.:
I 's$ her +or +!rther eDpl'&'tio&.
8#ell( I "elieve th't every tho!ght I h've ?: she
p'!ses( )h'&ges dire)tio&. 8I do ' lot o+ "ody =or$ =ith
people. eople ,'&i+est o& their "ody =h't they thi&$. I
)'& tell ' lot '"o!t peopleFs lives "y loo$i&g 't '&d
to!)hi&g their "odies. I $&o= =here they hold p'i& '&d
stress '&d e,otio&. I h'd 'll th't ,ysel+. As I "e)o,e
,ore e&lighte&ed( I do&Ft s!++er +ro, thi&gs 's ,!)h.
IFve "e)o,e )'l,I IF, &ot +ree o+ 'll p'i& "!t IF, )'l,.
8I h've +rie&ds =ith "'"ies. They tell ,e ho= good
their "'"ies 're '&d I 's$( =ell( does he sleep 'll &ight
'&d they s'y &o. A&d I 's$ i+ heFs )'l, '&d he is&Ft( heFs
s)re',i&g '&d thro=i&g !p. TheyFre telli&g ,e ho=
=o&der+!l their "'"ies 're '&d the "'"ies 're s)re',i&g
'&d dis)o&te&t. The "'"ies 're =ired. I "elieve this is
d!e to the ,otherFs thi&$i&g "e+oreh'&d. Eve& i& the
=o," =e '))ept )ert'i& thi&gs. I+ IF, s)'red ,y "'"y
+eels ,y +right '&d he )o,es o!t $&o=i&g +e'r. I+ IF,
199
A CRY IN THE DESERT
'&gry he )o,es o!t $&o=i&g '&ger. So =he& I ='s
preg&'&t I "e)',e the preg&'&t *!ee&. #e h'd di++i)!lty
p'yi&g o!r "ills so I h'&ded the )he)$"oo$ over to ,y
h!s"'&d '&d s'id IF, &ot doi&g it. I did&Ft do '&y dr','
=h'tsoever. I+ ,y dr',' level thre'te&ed to go !p I G!st
? (: she ,'$es ' little p!++i&g so!&d li$e "lo=i&g '='y
s,o$e( 8got rid o+ it. I $ept ,ysel+ tot'lly &'ive. I G!st
='l$ed o!t o+ the roo,. So R')e did&Ft eDperie&)e th't
$i&d o+ stress. #he& he )',e o!t he ='s +ree.:
RoD'&& goes o& to eDpl'i& her )o&ti&!i&g 'tte,pts
to st'y ho&est. She ='its +or the deep i&&er voi)e o+
9ove to ,ove her to='rd her "'"y e')h ,or&i&g. She
&ever goes to hi, i& rese&t,e&t or '&ger. 8I go "e)'!se
I ='&t to see hi,I '&d he s,iles '&d )oos. HeFs 't
pe')e.:
This )hildFs )re'tio& story h's the pote&ti'l o+
servi&g hi, thro!gh 'll his li+e. #e 'll h've the stories
o+ o!r "irth '&d those stories pl'y ' p'rt i& o!r
!&derst'&di&g o+ o!rselves '&d o!r pl')e i& the =orld.
0yro&Fs story o+ "irth 't +orty1three ye'rs old( ' F"or&
'g'i&E story( set her o& ' p'th r'di)'lly di++ere&t +ro,
th't =hi)h pro)eeded +ro, the "irth story o& th't i)y
=i&ter d'y i& TeD's =he& she ='s "or& '&d &',ed +or
her ,illio&'ire orph'&ed '!&t. I s!ggest this to RoD'&&.
8#h't ' =o&der+!l )re'tio& story yo!r so& h's(: I
s'y.
8Yes( he re'lly does. 0e)'!se I )o,e +ro, =here I
did( th'tFs the ,ost )o&)rete '&d spe)i+i) gi+t I )'& give '
perso&: to let hi, $&o= th't I do&Ft do dr','.:
#eFre 't the e&d o+ o!r )o&vers'tio&. I tell her th't
IFll "e i& 0'rsto= soo& to go over the e&tire teDt o+ the
"oo$ =ith 0yro& -'tie. IFd li$e to see her.
8A&d IFd li$e yo! to ,eet the "'"y too.:
433
8IFd love to ,eet the "'"yJ:
8It sho!ld "e i&teresti&g to see =ho he is '&d ho=
he gro=s( "ei&g i& the e&viro&,e&t ,y ,o, sho=s !s
ho= to "ri&g '"o!t.:
8HeFs the &e= ge&er'tio&. His "irth is re'lly the
eve&t =ith =hi)h the "oo$ '"o!t yo!r ,other sho!ld
e&d. The "oo$ sho!ld e&d =ith "irth.:
She 'grees =ith ,e.
8#ho =ill "e the )hildre& o+ these people>: I 's$.
8The people =ho 're getti&g it &o=@: SheFs =ith
,e.
8Yes. #h't =ill these )hildre& "e li$e> Th'tFs the
&eDt *!estio&( is&Ft it>:
8Yes. Th'tFs right. IFve got goose"!,ps G!st he'ri&g
it. This is =h't =e h've to give... &ot the ,ess'ge th't
=e si,ply 're&Ft '+r'id o+ de'th. ;& the other side o+
de'th is "irth.:
8Yes(: I se&se th't the t=o o+ !s 're seei&g )le'rly
&o=. 8Al='ys.:
431
A CRY IN THE DESERT
THERE IS <;D
#ho is 0yro& -'tie> A&d =h't h'ppe&ed to her i&
th't 'tti) roo, i& 1926> %or 'l,ost t=o ye'rs I h've
's$ed this *!estio&( do&e The #or$( liste&ed to her o=&
'tte,pts to eDpl'i& =h't( +or her 's =ell 's +or the rest
o+ !s( re,'i&s i&e++'"le.
The di++ere&)e "et=ee& 0yro& '&d ,ost gre't
te')hers i& virt!'lly 'll the spirit!'l tr'ditio&s is 0yro&Fs
eDperie&)e o+ =h't Christi'&Fs ,ight )'ll ' r'di)'l
)o&versio& or ,et'&oi'. 7ost spirit!'l te')hers h've
+ollo=ed the pr')ti)es o+ ' spe)i+i) tr'ditio& +ro, their
yo!th. Tr'&s+or,'tio& )o,es )lothed i& the sy,"ols o+
th't tr'ditio& '&d th't tr'&s+or,'tio& is !&derstood
"e)'!se o+ ' li&e'ge o+ spirit!'l te')hers.
0yro& $&e= &othi&g. I+ she ='s prep'ri&g hersel+
+or tr'&s+or,'tio&( th't prep'r'tio& ='s )o,pletely
!&)o&s)io!s. She lived +orty1three ye'rs =ith ' d!'listi)
)o&s)io!s&ess( strivi&g 's ,ost o+ !s strive( ='&ti&g
,ore '&d ,ore( thi&$i&g th't h'ppi&ess )o!ld )o,e to
her +ro, so,ethi&g '&d so,e=here else. She )o!ld&Ft
+i&d it. The )o&st'&t 'tte,pts =ore her do=&(
disi&tegr'ted her. #he& she '=o$e it ='s 's ' &e=
)re'tio&. Sep'r'tio& g've ='y to the ;&e&ess o+ the
<odhe'd.
A&d she h'd &o =ords( &o to!)hsto&e( &o
philosophy( &o spirit!'lity( &o religio&( &othi&g to
eDpl'i& =h't she is to !s. No= =he& she s'ys( 8I ',
=h't it is li$e o& the other side(: does she ,e'& th't the
tr'&s+or,'tio& o+ this h!,'& spe)ies is !&der='y> Does
she ,e'& =e 're( right &o=( evolvi&g i&to so,ethi&g
&e=> Is she ' her'ld o+ the 8&e= e'rth: o+ =hi)h the
434
Christi'& s)ript!res spe'$>
I& ,y Christi'& spirit!'l tr'ditio& =e )'ll the
,ove,e&t she eDperie&)ed 8gr')e.: It is ' gi+t. No
',o!&t o+ =or$ o& the p'rt o+ '&y h!,'& "ei&g )'&
prod!)e it. It )'&&ot "e p!r)h'sedI it is +ree. It is the
'='re&ess o+ the to!)h o+ the Divi&e.
0yro& lives i& the step "eyo&d =h't ,y Ro,'&
C'tholi) spirit!'l tr'ditio& )'lls the 6&itive #'y. ;&)e
=e tho!ght th't !&io& =ith <od ='s the ,ost )o,plete
st'te o+ eDiste&)e 'v'il'"le to h!,'& "ei&gs. 0!t !&io&
i,plies ' d!'lity: <od '&d I( !&ited. This is the ,e'&i&g
o+ 6&itive #'y. 0e)'!se o+ the i&spired =or$ o+
0er&'dette Ro"erts( =e 're &o= '"le to ide&ti+y '
+!rther st'te o+ "ei&g. The 0ei&g o+ ;&e&ess i& =hi)h
'&ythi&g th't )o!ld "e )'lled 8sel+: e)lipsed "y the
'"sol!te 0ei&g o+ <od. It is ' st'te i& =hi)h 8I: &o
lo&ger eDist i& '&y ='y th't )'& "e eDperie&)ed or ')ted
+ro,. <od 'lo&e is. This st'te o+ 8&o1sel+: see,s to
)o,e )losest to =h't 0yro& des)ri"es. Ho=ever 0yro&
did &ot h've the l'&g!'ge o+ th't spirit!'l tr'ditio&( &or
o+ '&y spirit!'l tr'ditio&( 'v'il'"le to her i& her
des)riptive 'tte,pts. She &eeded to develop her o=&
l'&g!'geI she )o&ti&!es to develop it.
E')h spirit!'l tr'ditio& h's its o=& l'&g!'ge '&d
sy,"ols. Si&)e 0yro& "elo&ged to &o spirit!'l tr'ditio&
't the ti,e o+ her tr'&s+or,i&g eve&t( sheFs "ee&
!&derstood "y di++eri&g perso&s i& the l'&g!'ge '&d
sy,"ols o+ their o=& "')$gro!&ds. She ='s )'lled walk
in "y ,'&y i& the Ne= Age )o,,!&ity. I& AriHo&' she
='s told th't she ='s the ret!r& o+ 9ester 9eve&so&( '
spirit!'l te')her =hose li+e p'r'lleled her o=&. 0y
devotees o+ E'ster& tr'ditio&s( sheFs )'lled '&
e&lighte&ed o&e( '& 'v't'r( ' mast '&d o&e o+ the
43B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
7others. 8I tho!ght yo! ,ight ='&t to ,eet ' tr!e
e&lighte&ed "ei&g(: =ere the =ords th't i&trod!)ed
0yro& to ,e. 8;&e o+ the 7others.: So,e s'y sheFs '&
'&gel. ;ther people )'ll her ' s'i&t.
Still other people s'y sheFs )r'Hy( '& 'irhe'd or
+l'$e. 8ItFs si,ply i,possi"le +or people to "e h'ppy 'll
the ti,e(: )o,,e&ts o&e =o,'&. 8SheFs i& '& o&goi&g
+!g!e st'te +ollo=i&g )o,plete ,e&t'l )oll'pse. Th'tFs
'llJ: The =o,'&Fs voi)e is '&gry 's she ,'$es her
G!dg,e&t.
I re,e,"er ,y o=& i&iti'l resist'&)e to her. 8I+
=h't yo! s'y is tr!e( the& everythi&g IFve =or$ed +or 'll
,y li+e is &othi&g. Everythi&g =ill )h'&ge.: A&d she
s'id yes. #ho =o!ld I r'ther "e( I 's$ ,ysel+( the o&e I
!sed to "e( the o&e )'!ght !p i& the t'&gles o+ ,y ,i&d(
or =ho I ', "e)o,i&g &o=> No=( is ,y '&s=er.
7y spirit!'l tr'ditio& h's ' s'yi&g: 0y their +r!its
yo! sh'll $&o= the,. 0yro& ='l$s thro!gh ' roo,
distri"!ti&g =h't I le'r&ed 's ' )hild =ere the +r!its o+
the Spirit. 8The +r!it o+ the Spirit is love( Goy( pe')e(
lo&g s!++eri&g( ge&tle&ess( good&ess( +'ith( ,ee$&ess(
te,per'&)e.: K<'l. A:4414BL.
S'&dr' s!ggests th't o&ly those o+ !s =ho h've
eDperie&)ed so,e $i&d o+ dev'st'tio& )'& he'r the
,ess'ge 0yro& "ri&gs. ThereFs ' )hi&$ i& the 'r,or o+
o!r )o&str!)ted re'lity. #e $&o= th't o!r s'+ety &ets
do&Ft hold. I& ' "re'th everythi&g =e depe&d o& )o!ld
)oll'pse( disi&tegr'te( '&d "e go&e. I& her =e see =h't is
o& the other side. She is hope.
I respo&d th't I s!spe)t everyo&e h's ' gli,pse o+
this 't o&e ti,e or '&other. So,e o+ !s( tho!gh( G!st
=or$ h'rder to )o&str!)t de+e&ses. #he& =e do th't( '
perso& li$e 0yro& terri+ies !s. #eFd "!r& her 't the st'$e
i+ =e still did th't sort o+ thi&g. #e do&Ft '&d so =e )'ll
435
her )r'Hy =o,'& i&ste'd. #e +i&d i& the l'&g!'ge o+
pop!l'r psy)hology or s$epti)'l r'tio&'lis, ter,s th't
per,it dispos'l o+ her eDperie&)e. #e )o&str!)t '
stro&ger de+e&se 'g'i&st o!r +e'rs.
I thi&$ th't 0yro&Fs li+e de,o&str'tes the &eDt step
"eyo&d si,ple good&ess. erh'ps she e,"odies '&
evol!tio&'ry )h'&ge( ' *!'&t!, le'p i& =h't it ,e'&s to
"e h!,'&. 0yro& -'tie is &ot the +irst to eDperie&)e
s!)h '& evol!tio&'ry 'dv'&)e. 7irr' Al+'ss'( )'lled
7other( =ho =or$ed =ith Sri A!ro"i&do 't the 'shr',
i& o&di)herry( I&di'( spe&t her li+e i& '& eDperi,e&t to
dis)over the &eDt st'ge i& h!,'& evol!tio&. She $ept
.o!r&'ls o+ the tr'&s+or,'tio& &ot o&ly o+ her
)o&s)io!s&ess "!t 'lso o+ her very )ells.
0yro& -'tie te')hes( 80ody h's to +ollo= ,i&d.
Cells 're '))!,!l'ted tho!ghts. To see ,i&d and )ells is
to see =ith d!'lity. 0ody( =hi)h is )ells( is the re+le)tio&
o+ ,i&d. ;&e. Not sep'r'te. Not t=o. To )h'&ge the
,i&d is to )h'&ge the )ells. They 're the s',e.:
D!ri&g 'll her eDperi,e&ts( 7irr' Al+'ss'
*!estio&ed =hether evol!tio& o+ o!r h!,'& spe)ies
=o!ld "e ' series o+ ,!t'tio&s or ' s!dde& le'p. I&
0yro& -'tie the le'p ='s s!dde& '&d =itho!t )o&s)io!s
prep'r'tio&. This is =hy she )'& s'y she ='s 8"or&: i&
'& 'tti) roo, =he& she ='s +orty1three ye'rs old. She is
o&e o+ the t=i)e "or&. A &e= )re'tio&.
C'rol 9y&& tells ,e she ='&ts 0yro& to spe'$ ,ore
)le'rly '"o!t her eDperie&)es. S'&dy s'ys( 8She $&o=s
=h't she is doi&g eve& i+ she )'&Ft eDpl'i& it.: 0yro&
hersel+ tells !s she is 8' "'"y ? I ='s "or& &i&e ye'rs
'go i& ti,e '&d I live i& th't +irst ,o,e&t o+ '='re&ess(
43A
A CRY IN THE DESERT
'geless.: She h's &o to!)hsto&e +or =h't she is other
th'& this ,o,e&t. She loo$s to !s +or =ords. 8I o&ly
$&o= ,ysel+ thro!gh =h't yo! tell ,e(: she s'ys. A&d(
8IF, here to sho= yo! =h't it loo$s li$e o& the other
side.:
Sho= !s( she ,!st. #ords )'&&ot )'rry =h't she
is. !re 0ei&g is so i&e++'"le th't it is i&)o,,!&i)'"le
i& l'&g!'ge. 0ei&g spe'$s to "ei&g "e&e'th 'll =ords
'&d the 0ei&g is ;&e. Every 'tte,pt to eDpress the
i&e++'"le i& l'&g!'ge li,ited "y ' s!"Ge)t1o"Ge)t
str!)t!re +'lls short. S!)h 'tte,pts 're "'++li&g 't "est.
At =orst they so!&d se&seless.
0yro& ='its +or the shi+t. She loo$s i&to o!r eyes.
She sees it =he& =e see. She s'ys( 8Yo!Fve got itJ: It is
s'id th't the ,ysti)'l )o&s)io!s&ess !&derst'&ds itsel+.
9'&g!'ge does&Ft st'&d i& the ='y o+ !&derst'&di&g +or
those =ho eDperie&)e this tr'&s+or,'tio&. It is '&
eDiste&)e o+ p!re s!"Ge)tivity. The o&e =ho lives li$e
this h's &o o"Ge)t1)o&s)io!s&ess 't 'll. I&divid!'l li+e is
tot'lly e)lipsed "y <od.
#he& I "e)o,e philosophi)'l( I $&o= itFs ti,e to
*!iet ,ysel+ or ,y ,i&d =ill get i& the ='y '&d o"s)!re
the Tr!th. I try to e&d the "oo$. I =rite( 8I love 0yro&
-'tie.: I )'&Ft help lovi&g her. I ', ,ore +ree to love
si&)e she "e)',e ,y +rie&d '&d t'!ght ,e her si,ple
=or$ o+ telli&g '&d livi&g the Tr!th. I ', &o lo&ger
'+r'id. I eDperie&)e '& '"idi&g Goy. A&d I )'& &o= ret!r&
i& ' =holly other ='y to ,y o=& C'tholi) Christi'&
spirit!'l tr'ditio&. IFve he'rd Hi&d!s s'y the s',e( '&d
9!ther'&s( res"yteri'&s( 7ethodists( 7or,o&s(
Co&greg'tio&'lists( pr')titio&ers o+ A (ourse In
436
)iracles*. Tr!th is ;&e. It le'ps o!t 't ,e( &o=( +ro,
every=here. I re)og&iHe the esse&)e o+ 0yro&Fs
eDperie&)e i& ,y o=& s)ript!res( i& 0!ddhist te')hi&g(
i& the e'rth religio&s( i& the revel'tio&s o+ I&di'&
Av't'rs.
0yro& -'tie rose !p +ro, the d!st o+ the C'li+or&i'
high desert( +ro, the A,eri)'& dre', o+ perso&'l
')hieve,e&t( +ro, eDperie&)es o+ s!))ess '&d +'il!re( to
spe'$ o+ =h't =e 're i& '& A,eri)'& l'&g!'ge =e )'&
!&derst'&d i+ =e o&ly =ill ope& o!r he'rts '&d "e)o,e
=illi&g to eDp'&d the li,its o+ o!r ,i&dsI i+ o&ly =e =ill
'))ept th't i& 'll o+ "ei&g '&d eter&ity 8there is &o e&d
o+ <od.:5
5
I "elieve I ', +i&ished =ith the "oo$. I pri&t o!t
t=o )opies +or 0yro& -'tie '&d ,'il the, to 0'rsto=. I
)lose the re+ere&)e "oo$s '&d p!t the, "')$ o& the
shel+. I +ile the *!estio&&'ires '&d t'pes. I g'ther !p the
gl'sses '&d )!ps. The p'pers littered 'ro!&d ,y )h'ir I
)r!,"le '&d thro= i&to the ='ste "'s$et. I d!st ,y des$.
IF, +i&ished. I go i&to the "')$ y'rd '&d sit i& the
s!&shi&e.
7'ry )'lls.
8There ,'y &ot "e ti,e to get this i&to the "oo$(
"!t I h've so,ethi&g ,ore to tell yo! '"o!t -'tie.:
7'ry spe'$s 'g'i& '"o!t re)og&iHi&g 0yro& -'tie
i& Sedo&'. She tells ,e th't she $&o=s &o= th't -'tie is
so ,!)h ,ore th'& ' walk& in. She re,e,"ers th't i&
Sedo&' she 's$ed 0yro& -'tie( 8#here do yo! )o,e
+ro,>:
8I )o,e +ro, the highest pl')e(: -'tie respo&ded.
8Are yo! th't )lose to <od>:
It ='s the& th't -'tie told "oth 7'ry '&d C'rol( 8I
', 9ove '&d .oy.:
43C
A CRY IN THE DESERT
7'ryFs spirit!'l te')her t'!ght her to *!estio&
'&yo&e =ho )l'i,ed to h've spirit!'l '!thority '&d to
$eep *!estio&i&g !&til th't perso&Fs ide&tity ='s
'"sol!tely )le'& %or t=o ye'rs 7'ry h's )o&ti&!ed her
*!estio&i&g. 8#h't is the light i& yo!r eyes> Are yo! '
walk& in- #here do yo! )o,e +ro,> #ho 're yo!>:
7'ry tells ,e she posed her *!estio& to 0yro&
-'tie o&)e 'g'i&. Yesterd'y.
8I+ yo! )o!ld loo$ !po& ,e 's I re'lly ',( yo!
=o!ld &ot "e '"le to loo$ 't ,e.: She he'rd 0yro& -'tie
tell her.
8#ho 're yo!( ho&ey>: 7'ry pressed o&. 8#hy did
yo! s'y Fi+ yo! )o!ld loo$ !po& ,eF>:
80e)'!se i+ yo! )o!ld see ,y 9ight( yo! =o!ld &ot
"e '"le to loo$ !po& 8,e.: K"e)'!seL 7y 9ight is yo!r
9ight.:
8I ', ' !&iverse !&to ,ysel+>: 7'ry *!estio&ed.
8Yes.:
8Everythi&g o!t there is i& ,e >
8Yes( ho&ey.:
7'ry sighs. 8Th'tFs =h't she told ,e( Christi&. IF,
)o,+ort'"le( &o=( th't I $&o= =h't she is. -'tie is so
high she does &ot "elo&g to '&ythi&g.:
All d'y I ', )'!ght !p i& 7'ryFs eDperie&)e o+
0yro& -'tie '&d the 9ight too po=er+!l to loo$ !po&. I
thi&$ o+ 7oses i& the )revi)e o+ the ro)$ ='iti&g +or
<od to ='l$ p'st. 8I "esee)h thee(: 7oses pr'yed(
8Sho= ,e thy glory.: A&d <od( the I A, o+ the "!r&i&g
"!sh replied( 8Tho! )'&st &ot see ,y +')e: +or there
sh'll &o ,'& see ,e( '&d live... There is ' pl')e "y ,e(
'&d tho! sh'lt st'&d !po& ' ro)$: '&d it sh'll )o,e to
432
p'ss( =hile ,y glory p'sseth "y( th't I =ill p!t thee i& '
)le+t o+ the ro)$( '&d =ill )over thee =ith ,y h'&d =hile
I p'ss "y.: KEDod. BB:12144L.
I =o&der i+ o!r "odies 're the h'&d o+ <od. #ith
this =o&der I )lose ,y eyes '&d try to sleep. 0!t
so,ethi&g h'!&ts ,e. I& the ,iddle o+ the &ight I '='$e
re,e,"eri&g so,ethi&g +ro, ,y +irst ,eeti&g =ith
0yro& -'tie. Those eyes. So,ethi&g I repressed.
So,ethi&g I did&Ft d're s'y 'lo!d eve& i&side ,y o=&
,i&d '&d he'rt. So,ethi&g too po=er+!l to loo$ !po&.
I $&o= =h't it is. E'rly i& the ,or&i&g I )'ll her.
80yro&( IFve "ee& '='$e thi&$i&g o+ yo! 'll &ight.:
8Yes( ho&ey.:
8ThereFs so,ethi&g I ,!st 's$( so,ethi&g th'tFs
"ee& i& ,y ,i&d '&d he'rt si&)e o!r +irst ,eeti&g.:
8As$ ,e.: I )'& he'r her s,ile.
I )ir)le 'ro!&d. I st'rt to )ry. I $&o= =h't she =ill
'&s=er.
8#h't 're yo! +eeli&g( ho&ey>: She ,!r,!rs. I
he'r )o,p'ssio&.
80yro& ? yo! '&d .es!s ...
8Are ;&e.:
7y he'rt eDplodes. Here is ' di,e&sio& o+ 0yro&
-'tie I ,erely to!)hed. Despite ,y Christi'&
"')$gro!&d( I o&ly ,'de )o,p'riso&s o+ her eDperie&)e
to =h't =e )'ll Christ1Co&s)io!s&ess. I did&Ft 's$ her
the *!estio& !&til &o=( so the door to this eDplor'tio&
did&Ft ope& !&til &o=. I h've &o ide' =here this p'th =ill
le'd.
8A&d yo! 'lso 're th't ;&e(: she )o&ti&!es.
80!t thereFs ' di++ere&)e(: I i&sert. Christi'&
theology is +loodi&g ,y ,i&d. 0!t 0yro& -'tie does&Ft
t'l$ Ftheology.F She does&Ft get )'!ght !p i& theologi)'l
t'&gles. 0yro& -'tie '='$e&s to Tr!th. She re'liHes.
439
A CRY IN THE DESERT
8Yes. The di++ere&)e is th't I ', +!lly )o&s)io!s o+
=ho I ',. A&d yo! 're )lose( ho&ey. Yo! 're very )lose.
7!)h o+ the ti,e yo! 're '='$e.:
7y ,i&d $&o=s she )o!ld h've s'id she ='s o&e
=ith 0!ddh' to ' 0!ddhistI she )o!ld h've s'id -rish&'
to ' Hi&d!I she )o!ld h've s'id The #hite 0!++'lo
#o,'& to ' N'tive A,eri)'&I or she )o!ld h've
re+erred( 'g'i&( to the 9'dy i& the p'isley dress. All
h!,'& religio&s rise +ro, the v'riety o+ h!,'&
eDperie&)e i&terse)ti&g the Divi&e. I know this( "!t ,y
he'rt is "!r&i&g =ith !&$&o=i&g. I ', Christi'&. She
s'id .es!s. IF, &ot re'dy to =rite '"o!t this. It is ' =hole
+!t!re "oo$.
Is this the 7ysti)'l 0ody o+ Christ> Is it the
Co,,!&io& o+ S'i&ts> Is it =h't .es!s ,e'&t =he& he
'ddressed the ;&e he )'lled %'ther> 8Th't they 'll ,'y
"e o&eI 's tho!( %'ther( 'rt i& ,e( '&d I i& thee( th't they
'lso ,'y "e o&e i& !s: th't the =orld ,'y "elieve th't
tho! h'st se&t ,e. A&d the glory =hi)h tho! g'vest ,e I
h've give& the,I th't they ,'y "e o&e( eve& 's =e 're
o&e: I i& the,( '&d tho! i& ,e( th't they ,'y "e ,'de
per+e)t i& o&e.: K.oh& 1C:4114BL.
This is the ;&e Eter&'l 0ei&g. This is the ;&e
%!lly EDiste&t. This is the ;&e re,'i&i&g =he& the
sh'do= o+ ego is dispelled( =he& eve& sel+ is distilled
i&to the Eter&'l Esse&)e. The ;&e =itho!t sep'r'tio&I
the ;&e =ith ,'&y &',es "!t &ever divided. A&d =he&
'll the &',es h've ev'por'ted ? 0yro&( Christi&( S'&dr'(
S',( D'vid( C'rol( 7'ry( RoD'&&( Ross( 0o""y( '!l(
Sh'ro&( 7'rio&( 0o" ? th't ;&e Is.
8The ti,e +or sy,"ols is over( is&Ft it 0yro&>:
8Yes. Re'lity is &o=. 0e Th't th't yo! 're. Re'lity
is prior to I A,. To thi&$ '&d the& to s'y 8I: is to ,ove
i&to ' =orld o+ sy,"ols.:
413
8All "ody( 'll e'rth( 'll l'&g!'ge ,oves !s o!t
+ro, <od(:
8Yes. Eve& to s'y F<odF is the ,ove,e&t '='y.:
8So I =rite. I spe'$. 0!t itFs ' p'r'doD( is&Ft it
K0yro&L> I try to +i&d =ords +or =h't is prior to I A,(
'&d there 're &o =ords +or th't.
8There 're &o =ords. I( =e live.: 0yro& l'!ghs.
8#e think we lie.2
8I love yo!( 0yro&.:
8I love yo! too( ho&ey(: she p'!ses ,o,e&t'rily(
8A&d ho&ey( thereFs o&e ,ore thi&g. I t'l$ed to D'vid.
His )'&)er is )o,pletely go&e.:
8<o&e>:
8Yes. D'vidFs he'led. HeFs o!t i& the desert
)olle)ti&g )')t!s( 'll $i&d o+ )')t!s( preservi&g those
pl'&ts th't 're i& d'&ger o+ "e)o,i&g eDti&)t. D'vidFs
o!t there he'li&g the e'rth. #e )'ll hi, the )')t!s ,'&.:
I ='&t to sho!t( to si&g( to )ry '& Allel!i'J There
're &e= )ries e)hoi&g thro!gh the desert &o=( '&d they
're )ries o+ li+e.
8HeFs )re'ti&g li+e(: I s'y to her.
8He is the 9i+e.:
I p!t the telepho&e o& its re)eiver. I ', =r'pped i&
,ystery li$e ' )lo'$. The h'&d o+ <od )overs this glory.
I go "')$ to ,y )o,p!ter. This "oo$ =ill &ever "e
+i&ished. I h've G!st "eg!&.
411
A CRY IN THE DESERT
%;;TN;TES
1. Soi$! Shige,'ts!( tr'&s.( A 9en :orest; +ayings
of the )asters KNe= Yor$: #e'therhill( 1994L(
2C.
2. 0yro& -'tie Rolle( The %oe %etter <
KSept.1;)t. 1995L.
3. Neil Do!gl's1-lotH( 5rayers of the (osmos
)editations on the Aramaic ,ords of 0esus
KS'& %r'&)is)o: H'rper S'& %r'&)is)o( 1995L.
4. I th'&$ 0er&'dette Ro"erts +or this eDpressio&.
Her =ords there is no end of 1od$ sti,!l'te '
stro&g respo&se.
414
A0;6T THE A6TH;R
Christi& 9ore #e"er is '&
eDperie&)ed '!thor( religio!s
ed!)'tor( spirit!'l g!ide( '&d
le)t!rer. D!ri&g +o!rtee&
ye'rs 's ' Ro,'& C'tholi)
&!&( she gro!&ded hersel+ i&
spirit!'l pr')ti)e( =hi)h she
e&h'&)ed o!tside o+ )o&ve&t
li+e =ith ' 7'ster o+ Arts
degree i& theology '&d l'ter
' Do)tor o+ 7i&istry degree i& religio& '&d psy)hology.
She h's t'!ght liter't!re( dr','( '&d religio!s
st!dies( served 's dire)tor o+ p'stor'l )'re 't '
reside&ti'l tre't,e&t )e&ter +or e,otio&'lly dist!r"ed
)hildre& '&d 'doles)e&ts i& 7i&&esot'( '&d ='s dire)tor
o+ #isdo, Ho!se E'st( ' )e&ter +or spirit!'lity '&d
)re'tivity i& St. '!l( 7i&&esot'.
Her =riti&g )'reer "eg'& i& 192B =ith the
p!"li)'tio& o+ her +irst "oo$( (aring (ommunity
K9oyol' 6&iversity ressL. Her s!"se*!e&t "oo$s
i&)l!de ,oman (hrist; A New =ision of :eminist
+"irituality K192C( H'rper S'& %r'&)is)oL( Blessings; A
,oman (hrist 7eflection on the Beatitudes K1929(
H'rper S'& %r'&)is)oL( A (ircle of )ysteries; The
,omen's 7osary Book K199A( Yes I&ter&'tio&'l
!"lishersL( :inding +tone; A >uiet 5arable and +oul
,ork )editation K1996( 9!r'7edi'L.
She '&d her h!s"'&d( .oh&( live i& the ')i+i)
North=est.
41B
A CRY IN THE DESERT
READER RE%ERENCES
;THER 0;;-S 0Y CHRISTIN 9;RE #E0ER
(ircle of )ysteries; The ,omen's 7osary Book
YES I&ter&'tio&'l !"lishers
1B1C S!,,it Ave&!e
S'i&t '!l( 7N. AA13A
112311266146C4
:inding +tone; A >uiet 5arable
and +oul ,ork )editation
I&&is+ree ress
hil'delphi'( A
112331B6C1A2C4
To p!r)h'se o&e o+ these "oo$s )o&t')t yo!r lo)'l
"oo$store or =rite or )'ll the p!"lisher.
?This information is likely out of date.@
415
The #or$ o+ 0yro& -'tie ,'y "e the
,ost pro+o!&d eDperie&)e yo! =ill ever
step i&to. 0yro& -'tie tr'vels the =orld
"y i&vit'tio& o&ly. She t'$es The #or$
i&to s)hool syste,s( )h!r)hes( )orpor'1
tio&s( priso&s hospit'ls '&d ho!seholds.
Yo! ,'y 'lso eDperie&)e her o& r'dio(
televisio& '&d the =orld =ide =e". To
those =ho $&o= her( she is the
eDperie&)e o+ !&)o&ditio&'l love ? '
+rie&d.
The #or$ %o!&d'tio&( I&). is +!&ded "y
do&'tio&. %or i&+or,'tio&:
===.the=or$.)o,
===."yro&$'tie.)o,
4