A CRY IN THE DESERT: The Awakening of Byron Katie.
Copyright 1996 All rights reserved. !"lished "y The #or$ %o!&d'tio&( I&). S)ript!re *!ot'tio&s 're +ro, the -i&g .',es /ersio& o+ the 0i"le. IS0N 1129345613416 ri&ted i& the 6&ited St'tes o+ A,eri)'. Cover '&d i&side desig& "y Yvo&&e 7. #right. Cover '&d i&side photogr'phs o+ 0yro& -'tie "y 0roo$ 7)Cor,i)$. 8Desert 9ight: i)o& "y S'&dr' Rogers. iv A CRY IN THE DESERT AC-N;#9ED<E7ENTS 8Ho= )'& =e ')$&o=ledge ' +e= =he& there 're so ,'&y>: 0yro& -'tie 's$s ,e. 8Everyo&e =ho h's ever dr'=& ' "re'th i& o!r dire)tio& &eeds to "e ')$&o=ledged.: All right. Th'&$ yo!. Yo! =ho re'd this( th'&$ yo!. All =ho told their stories( th'&$ yo!. All =ho helped =ith ti,e( t'le&t( love( e&)o!r'ge,e&t( )riti)is,( eve& dis)o!r'ge,e&t ? th'&$ yo!. Editors( th'&$ yo!. Re'ders( th'&$ yo!. Artists( th'&$ yo!. 0eloveds( th'&$ yo!. %i&'&)iers( th'&$ yo! +or the ,o&ey th't ,'de the +irst pri&ti&g o+ this "oo$ possi"le. Yo! 'll h've &',es. Yo! 'll $&o= =ho yo! 're. 8S'y =e ')$&o=ledge All(: 0yro& gri&s. #e $&o= =ho =e 're. #e 're the ;&e. #e 're the Th'&$ Yo!. v A CRY IN THE DESERT C;NTENTS ART ;NE 0yro& -'tie@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@... @....@ 4 <'theri&g@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@..@@@..@ 5 7eeti&g@@@@@@@@@@.@@@@@@..@.@@. 1A A='$e&i&g..@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@..@.@@4B The ;&ly Thi&g Th't Holds @@@@@@@@.@@....@55 Re)og&itio& @@@@@@@@.@@.@@@@..@..@@AA The ;&e @@@@@@@@..@@@@@@@@@..@.. 69 To!)hed All the #'y Thro!gh @@@@@@@..@@@. CB No %e'r @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@...@. 2B S!))ess is Not 0etr'y'l @@@@@@@@.@@.@.@@ 2C %!ll&ess o+ 9i+e No= @@@@@@@@@.@@.@.@@ 94 Hold the 0liss @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@.@@. 9C ;pe& He'rt @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@..@@.. 111 #h't #o&der+!l Thi&g #ill H'ppe& NeDt .@@@..@@ 142 142 I A, Not This 0ody @@@@@@@@...@@...@@@.1BC 9ivi&g ' %!ll 9i+e @@@@@.@@@@@@@@@......15C ART T#; The Cry i& ;!r So!ls @.....@@@@@@@@@@..@..1A2 #h't A&yo&e 7ight 0e @@@@@@@@@@@@.@161 7's*!er'de @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@...@.@1C3 The Higher Thi&g @@@@@@@@@@@@..@@.@1CA Hell o& #heels .@@@@@@@@@@@@..@@@@123 The ;ther Side o+ De'th @@@@@@@@@@@@....195 There Is <od@@@@@@..@@@@@@@@@@@. 434 vii A6TH;RES RE%ACE Atte,pts to 'rti)!l'te the li+e '&d te')hi&gs o+ 0yro& -'tie de+y l'&g!'ge. 8I& the "egi&&i&g ='s the =ord. 6&$&o= the =ord.: This is =h't she tells ,e 's I str!ggle to =rite this "oo$. 8The =ords to =hi)h yo! 're 'tt')hed 're the steps '='y +ro, eDperie&)i&g the prese&)e o+ <od th't yo! 're.: Her l'&g!'ge st'rtles. She !ses =ords !&)o&ve&tio&'lly. 0y this pr')ti)e she i&vites !s to 8!&$&o=.: The =ord( itsel+( is the +irst ,ove,e&t o!t +ro, the Divi&e. The origi&'l ;&e does &ot ,ove. All o+ 0yro& -'tieFs =ords 're '& i&vit'tio& to ret!r& to th't ;&e. The &or,'l str!)t!re o+ l'&g!'ge is i&'de*!'te to 0yro& -'tieFs eDperie&)e. 0'sed( 's it is( o& disti&)tio&s "et=ee& s!"Ge)t '&d o"Ge)t( rel'tive '&d &o&rel'tive "ei&g( '&d te,por'lity or the lo)'tio& o+ eve&ts i& ti,e( l'&g!'ge str'i&s '&d )r')$s !&der her !se o+ it to )o,,!&i)'te hersel+. %ro, 0yro& -'tieFs perspe)tive 'll is ;&e( 'd,itti&g o+ &o o"Ge)t or other. I+ there =ere ' l'&g!'ge o+ p!re s!"Ge)tivity( 0yro& -'tie =o!ld spe'$ th't l'&g!'ge. She eDists i& ' re'lity o+ )o,plete &o&rel'tivity: All is <od. I A, Yo!(: she i&sists. She =o!ld li$e to )'pit'liHe every =ord th't does &ot re+er to '& ill!sio& o+ h!,'& ego. She is ,ost 't ho,e i& prese&t te&se. So,e people 're s'yi&g th't hers is ' &e= l'&g!'ge( ' &e= religio&( ' &e= psy)hology( ' &e= ,edi)i&e. 0yro& -'tie l'!ghs '&d tells !s there is &othi&g &e=. There is o&ly <od. 86&do yo!rsel+(: she s'ys. 8-&o= the Tr!th.: A CRY IN THE DESERT viii 0yro& -'tieFs =ords 're "est t'$e& 't their ,ost +!&d',e&t'l level o+ ,e'&i&g. #he& she spe'$s o+ realizing so,ethi&g( +or eD',ple( she ,e'&s to "e)o,e o&e =ith the Re'lity. She is &ot spe'$i&g o+ )o&)ept!'liH'tio&. #he& she tells !s to $&o= the Tr!th( she is &ot s!ggesti&g th't =e e&g'ge i& so,e i&telle)t!'l pro)ess. I&ste'd( she is telli&g !s to be )o&siste&t =ith Re'lity( the p!re '&d livi&g Tr!th th't is <od. 0e)'!se ' "oo$ re*!ires ' l'&g!'ge str!)t!re( I 'tte,pt to "e 's tr!e 's possi"le to 0yro& -'tieFs eDperie&)e( =hile( 't the s',e ti,e( to re&der ' teDt th't is re'd'"le. #he& *!oti&g or re+erri&g to 0yro& -'tieFs te')hi&g( I t'$e li"erties =ith se&te&)e str!)t!re '&d )'pit'liH'tio& o+ =ords th't !s!'lly 'ppe'r i& lo=er )'se. The '='$e&ed )o&s)io!s&ess( 'ltho!gh it )'&&ot "e )'pt!red i& l'&g!'ge( )'& le've tr')es o+ its prese&)e. I+ the re'derFs ,i&d +eels "oggled( I s!ggest ' s!spe&sio& o+ ,i&d. Re'd =ith the he'rt. Christi& 9ore #e"er iD A CRY IN THE DESERT A CRY IN THE DESERT 0YR;N -ATIE #i&d =hips ')ross the C'li+or&i' high desert li+ti&g s,'ll t=isters o+ d!st 'g'i&st ' diHHyi&g light. <old light )le'&s the e'rth o+ 'll "!t =h't is &e)ess'ry( '&d =i&d "lo=s the d!st '='y. 7o!&t'i&s o+ p!re ro)$( gig'&ti) &eedles o+ sto&e( !,"er )olored( "!r&t red( l'v' "l')$( pier)e the s$y. Spri&gs =ell !p +ro, the ro)$ )re'ti&g pools o+ ='r,( he'li&g ='ter. <&'rled .osh!' trees i&sist o& li+e. <olde& spiders s$itter over the s'&d '&d r'ttlers glide. A =o,'& ='l$s this l'&ds)'pe 'lo&g ro!tes 's v'ried '&d )o&tr'di)tory 's peopleFs lives )'& "e. The desert is her ho,e. She h's +o!ght its d!st stor,s '&d stood &'$ed !&der its )'&opy o+ st'rs. She +i&ds her ='y =here ro'ds do&Ft eDist. She s!rvives thirst. This =o,'&( li$e '&yo&e( h's lived =ith r'ge( =ith d'ri&g( =ith eDh'!stio&( =ith dre',s '&d +'iled dre',s( =ith hope( '&d =ith ' "ro$e& he'rt. She h's "ee& 'lo&e '&d )!rsed it. She h's "ee& s!rro!&ded "y the =orld '&d r!& '='y. She h's "ee& ri)h '&d poor( loved '&d despised( so!ght o!t '&d reGe)ted. There h've "ee& ti,es =he& she h's thro=& hersel+ '='y. She is ' ,other( ' sister( ' =i+e( ' +rie&d. She h's 'lso "ee& the opposite o+ e')h o+ these. erh'ps there is &othi&g th't she h's &ot "ee&. She s'ys th't she ='s "or& i& '& 'tti) roo, =he& she ='s +orty1three ye'rs old. Th't ='s the d'y this =o,'& !&derstood th't she ='s =orthy o+ her o=& love. She is ' ,irror. She lets !s loo$ 't her to see o!rselves. Ho=ever deep the p'i& =e +eel( she $&o=s ' 4 p'i& 's deep. Ho=ever +'r o!r hopes( hers eDte&d there. I+ =e 're desper'te( she h's "ee& desper'te too. She is G!st ' =o,'& =ho told hersel+ the Tr!th '&d &o= she is +ree. She dis)overs =ithi& hersel+ '& '"idi&g .oy. Yo! ,ight h've see& her '&y=here. 7'y"e she s't &eDt to yo! i& '& 'irpl'&e or 't ' T=elve Step ,eeti&g i& yo!r &eigh"orhood. Yo! )o!ld h've see& her i& the s!per,'r$et( ,'y"e i& the +resh prod!)e se)tio&. She h's ' ='y =ith +r!its '&d veget'"les. ro"'"ly yo! =o!ld&Ft re)og&iHe '&ythi&g spe)i'l '"o!t herI she loo$s pretty ,!)h li$e '&y"ody else( '&y =o,'& o!t there. 7'y"e she pi)$ed !p so,ethi&g th't yo! dropped '&d g've it to yo!. ro"'"ly she s,iled. 7'y"e yo! =e&t ho,e th't d'y st!&&ed "y the )l'rity o+ her eyes. ro"'"ly yo! =o&dered =ho she ='s( '&d i+ yo! h'd ' )h'&)e to 's$ her( she ,ight h've told yo! th't it ='s yo!rsel+ yo! re)og&iHed i& her eyes. 7'y"e she si,ply s,iled. So,e people )'ll the =o,'& 0yro&. ;thers )'ll her -'tie. Her h!s"'&d )'lls her -'te. This is her story. It is&Ft the =hole story. It is&Ft eve& hers 'lo&e. It is the story o+ people =hose lives she to!)hes. Thro!gh their lives this =o,'& is =ove& li$e ' p!rple thre'd( or li$e silver( eve& gold. It ,ight( i& +')t( "e Yo!r story. It )ert'i&ly is ,i&e. B A CRY IN THE DESERT <ATHERIN< C'rol 9y&& )'lls to s'y 0yro& -'tie =ill "e 't her ho!se +or ' <'theri&g. Do I ='&t to )o,e> ;+ )o!rse. I ='&t to see her. IF, distr')ted. %or three =ee$s ,y h!s"'&d( .oh&( '&d I h've "ee& se'r)hi&g the =oods '&d i&lets o+ the !get So!&d +or ' &e= ho,e. Every pl')e th't dr'=s ,e "y its "e'!ty '&d solit!de )osts ,ore th'& o!r "!dget )'& st'&d. #eFve "ee& "')$ t=o d'ys '&d ,y ,i&d still reels =ith i,'ges o+ 9o&g 9'$e( ort ;r)h'rd( o!ls"o( 0'i&"ridge Isl'&d( the S'& .!'&s( '&d espe)i'lly ' "l!++ o& the so!th=est side o+ C','&o Isl'&d '&d the sto&y "e')h "elo= =here g!lls )ry '&d e'gles ride the !pdr'+ts. This ,or&i&g( "')$ i& C'li+or&i'( the 0yro& ,'&!s)ript lies "e+ore ,e. It is ti,e to )o,plete it( "!t I h've &o ide' ho=. I &eed to see her. She loo$s siDtee&( yo!&ger th'& the +irst ti,e I ,et her. Ho= does she do th't> ;&)e( '"o!t ' ye'r e'rlier( I 'rrived l'te 't ' <'theri&g '&d ='s st'rtled to re'liHe th't she loo$ed '&)ie&t. I tho!ght: SheFs g'i&ed =eightJ She loo$s li$e so,e"odyFs Golly ro!&d gr'&d,' or li$e ' +e,'le 0!ddh'( +eet p!lled !p !&der her( "esto=i&g Goy. I& the =i&ter( 't '&other o+ 0yro&Fs <'theri&gs( I tho!ght she loo$ed her 'ge. %i&e li&es e&h'&)ed her eyes. Her s$i& h'd th't so+t( teDt!red loo$. No= her +')e is s,ooth( her s$i& t'!t over high )hee$"o&es. 8Yo! loo$ 't le'st te& ye'rs yo!&gerJ: I ,i&i,iHe the st'rtli&g e++e)t th't I $&o= is &ot the res!lt o+ '&ythi&g 'rti+i)i'l. 8I do>: 0yro& l'!ghs. 8eople tell ,e thi&gs li$e 5 th't. Th'&$ yo! +or telli&g ,eI I )'&Ft $&o= other=ise.: 9'ter( i& the gro!p( she e,ph'siHes th't her "ody is &ot her )o&)er&. 7i&d: Th't is her respo&si"ility. The "ody +ollo=s. She s'ys th't she is ' ,irror( '&d I =o&der i+ the )h'&ges I per)eive i& her 're re'lly )h'&ges i& ,ysel+ I see re+le)ted i& her +')e. #e sit o& the so+' "y ' ro'ri&g +ire. ItFs ' )hilly %e"r!'ry &ight. The roo, is +illed =ith +',ily '&d so,e +rie&ds. A little girl toddles over to o++er ,e ' "lo= o& her pl'sti) tr!,pet. 8Did yo! +i&d yo!r ho,e>: 0yro&Fs )le'r eyes r'di'te i& ' ='y I )'&Ft t'$e +or gr'&ted. I tell her th't I do thi&$ I +o!&d the isl'&d =here IFd li$e to live( "!t everythi&g is too eDpe&sive. I $&o= th't I ='&t to live "y the ='ter '&d ='ter+ro&t property is eve& ,ore pri)ey. 8#he& the ti,e '&d pl')e 're right( the ,o&ey =ill "e there.: Kshe s'ys.L I se&se th't 's lo&g 's I hold the tho!ght o+ eDpe&se 's preve&ti&g ,e +ro, livi&g =here ,y he'rt desires( 'll I =ill see is ' doll'r sig&( '&d I =ill &ot re)og&iHe ,y &e= ho,e. 7y "elie+ '"o!t i,possi"ility =ill )re'te i,possi"ility. All it =o!ld t'$e is ' slight t!r& o+ ,i&d to '))ept =h't 0yro& -'tie s'ys. IF, s!dde&ly 'lo&e =ith her. I+ there 're other people i& the roo,( IF, &ot '='re o+ the,. #e t'l$ '"o!t the "oo$( '"o!t p!"lishi&g. ;&ly ' s,'ll p'rt o+ ,e is t'$e& !p =ith th't )o&vers'tio&. The rest o+ ,e is )'!ght !p i& ' re'lity !&derlyi&g the =ords( the ro'ri&g +ire( the people( '&d the pl')e. There is &o 0yro& '&d there is &o Christi&. There is ;&e 0ei&g. SheFs ' door i&to this eDperie&)e o+ ;&e&ess th't &ever +'ils to ope& =he& IF, +')e to +')e =ith it. 8I ', the Door(: .es!s s'ys. 0yro& sho=s ,e =h't he ,e'&s. A A CRY IN THE DESERT #e ='l$ i&to the livi&g roo,( =hi)h h's +illed =ith ' l'!ghi&g( )h'tteri&g gro!p o+ +ol$s =ho 'll see, to $&o= o&e '&other. The little girl r!&s +ro, this perso& to th't o&e o++eri&g her pl'sti) tr!,pet. ThereFs ' good ,iD o+ ,e& '&d =o,e&( yo!&g '&d old. 0yro& sits i& ' str'tegi)'lly pl')ed e'sy )h'ir '&d p!lls her +eet !p !&der her so+t )or'l s$irt. C'rol 9y&& does the i&trod!)tio&s '&d 's$s 0yro& to tell her story. 8I $&o= th't yo! li$e to give people yo!r philosophy(: she s'ys( 80!t ple'se( tell !s ho= this h'ppe&ed to yo!( ho= yo! =ere&Et 'l='ys li$e this. Tell !s ho= yo! !sed to "e '&d ho= yo! )h'&ged.: 0yro& -'tie loo$s o++ i&to sp')e. Her eyes )lo!d G!st ' "it. I i,'gi&e this is di++i)!lt +or her. She still re')hes +or the =ords to eDpl'i& the 8res!rre)tio&: or 8'='$e&i&g: 's she )'lls it. She is still re,e,"eri&g eve&ts th't see, to her to h've h'ppe&ed to ' perso& other th'& the prese&t sel+. 8IF, ' "'"y '&d IF, 'geless(: she eDpl'i&s. 8I ope&ed ,y eyes o&ly &i&e ye'rs 'go '&d I s'= 'll ti,e.: She st'rts =ith seei&g hersel+ 's "ei&g lo)$ed o!t o+ the ho!se =he& she ='s three ye'rs old. She s'ys she "e)',e ' =ild '&i,'l. She s'ys she =e&t to ' ,'& =ho ,olested her 8'&d it h!rt. 0!t the &eDt d'y I =e&t "')$ "e)'!se I =o!ld do '&ythi&g +or to!)h( =hi)h I &o= see 's 9ove. Ag'i& it h!rt( '&d 'g'i& I =e&t "')$. I did th't to ,e.: 80!t s!rely(: the people re')t( 8yo! 're&Ft eD)!si&g hi,. Yo! 're&Ft s'yi&g it ='s yo!r +'!lt. Yo! =ere ' )hild( '+ter 'll.: 8He h'd his o=& p'i&. I )'&Ft G!dge th't. I o&ly $&o= th't ,y ,i&d too$ ,y "ody "')$ to the ,'&. I+ there ='s p'i& i&+li)ted !po& ,e( I ='s the perpetr'tor o+ th't p'i&.: 6 80!t s!rely yo! =o!ld ='&t people li$e th't lo)$ed !pJ So yo! $&o= ? so they )'&Ft do th't to others.: 8I+ I =ere '"!si&g )hildre&( I =o!ld ='&t yo! to lo)$ ,e !p so th't I =o!ld &ot "e '"le to h!rt yo! or ,e i& th't ='y. To h'r, yo! is ,y s!++eri&g. She 's$s the, to go i&side the,selves. 8!t yo!rsel+ i& the positio& o+ perpetr'tor '&d the& o+ vi)ti,. #hi)h =o!ld yo! r'ther "e> <o deep(: she s'ys. 8-&o= yo!rselves.: I po&der ho= di++i)!lt it is +or !s( +or this so)iety o+ o!rs( to e&ter 0yro&Fs =orld. #e ='&t G!dg,e&ts "!ilt li$e st'irs over peopleFs p'i& so =e )'& )li," o!t o+ =h't =e )'ll their =ro&gdoi&g. #e ='&t to ')hieve good&ess 't the top o+ those st'irs. 0!t it is&Ft there. #e do&Ft ')hieve good&ess. 8Do &ot )'ll ,e good. ;&ly ;&e is good(: s'ys .es!s( telli&g !s &ot to set hi, 'p'rt +ro, the rest o+ !s 't the top o+ so,e st'ir='y o+ G!dg,e&t. <ood&ess is the )o&st'&t st'te o+ "ei&g i& itsel+. All is good. All is ;&e. #e )'&&ot do '&ythi&g to ,'$e !s goodI =e 'lre'dy 're. 8The& I got ,'rried to ' =o&der+!l ,'&@: She goes o& to her ye'rs =ith her +irst h!s"'&d( ' "rie+ re)it'tio&( 8A&d I did&Ft $&o= it. Together =e "!ilt ' li+e o+ ill!sio&s( o+ !&re'lity( '&d I did&Ft $&o= it. Everythi&g ='s !pside do=&. A&d I h'd )hildre& '&d they =ere p'rt o+ it. A&d I ,'de ' ,illio& doll'rs '&d lost it '&d ,'de '&other ,illio& '&d it did&Ft ,e'& '&ythi&g. A&d I got divor)ed "e+ore I eve& $&e= =ho ,y h!s"'&d ='s '&d I too$ ,y )hildre& to '&other to=& '&d st'rted over. 0!t &othi&g ='s e&o!gh '&d pretty soo& I ='s st!)$ i& ,y "edroo,( doi&g "!si&ess +ro, there( '&d ' little roo, &eDt to it( "!yi&g '&d selli&g( '&d ,y )hildre& =ere o& dr!gs '&d 'l)ohol '&d +ighti&g '&d ,iser'"le '&d there ='s &o ='y o!t. ;&e &ight( very l'te C A CRY IN THE DESERT =he& everyo&e else ='s sleepi&g( I =e&t to ' )h!r)h "e)'!se IFd he'rd th't people +o!&d '&s=ers i& )h!r)hes so I tho!ght IFd try eve& tho!gh I did&Ft !&derst'&d religio&. I =e&t i& the vesti"!le '&d pi)$ed !p so,e p',phlets( le+t *!i)$ly( got "')$ i&to ,y )'r( '&d drove ho,e. I s't o& ,y "ed '&d re'd the p',phlets over '&d over. I re'd the, o&e p'r'gr'ph 't ' ti,e. I re'd e')h se&te&)e. Slo=ly. I '"sol!tely )o!ld&Ft !&derst'&d o&e =ord. I )o!ld&Ft ,'$e '&y se&se o+ it 't 'll.: Ag'i& '&d 'g'i& people i& the <'theri&gs 's$ 0yro& -'tie +or this story 's i+ they h've ' +'s)i&'tio& +or the ='y o!r =e'lth1see$i&g( ')hieve,e&t1orie&t'ted )!lt!re did&Ft =or$ +or her. She ')hievedI she h'd =e'lthI she ='s&Ft h'ppy. She died o+ it '&d =he& she =o$e !p( the =e'lth '&d ')hieve,e&t &o lo&ger ,'ttered. It ='s ' &o&iss!e. She "eg'& livi&g si,ply( i& the ,o,e&t( =itho!t tho!ght( i& ' st'te o+ )o,plete "ei&g th't =e so,eti,es se&se i& the still&ess "et=ee& o&e tho!ght '&d the &eDt 80!t do&Ft yo! h've go'ls>: the people 's$. They 're i&)red!lo!s. 8Do&Ft yo! ,'$e pl'&s> Ho= do yo! $&o= =h't to do> Ho= do yo! $eep +ro, doi&g =ro&g> Ho= do yo! $&o= =h'tFs right> A&d i+ everythi&g is 's it sho!ld "e( the& =h't '"o!t the ,!rderer( =h't '"o!t the st'rvi&g )hildre&( =h't '"o!t ='rs '&d poverty '&d de'th> Do&Ft yo! +eel ' respo&si"ility to help other people> A&d i+ yo! do&Ft +eel th't respo&si"ility( =hy 're yo! here to&ight>: 8ItFs =ho I ', ? I ', this(: she tells !s =ith ' little s,ile. 8#hy did yo! )o,e>: 8I ='s i&vited.: So si,ple. 8Th'tFs 'll>: 8Th'tFs 'll.: 2 80!t =h't '"o!t l'=s> #h't '"o!t the ,!rderer> #h't '"o!t so)iety> Does&Ft so)iety h've ' respo&si"ility> Are yo! s!ggesti&g th't =e 'll do =h'tever =e ple'se>: 8#e do it '&y='y( do&Ft =e> #e G!st 're &ot )le'r '"o!t =h't ple'ses !s.: I see sever'l people &od their he'ds. ThereFs &ervo!s l'!ghter. 8Th'tFs '&'r)hyJ: ' so,e=h't irrit'ted ,'le voi)e er!pts. She does eD')tly 's she ='&ts '&d here she is( givi&g hersel+ to !s "e)'!se th't ')tio& gives her ,ore h'ppi&ess th'& '&ythi&g else 't the ,o,e&t. She is the ,ost )o,p'ssio&'te perso& I h've ever e&)o!&tered. 8Do yo! "elieve i& l'=>: 's$s '&other ,'&. 8I +'ste& ,y se't "elt(: she gri&s. 8I love 'll the l'=s o+ this )o!&try. I love the l'=s o+ this =orld. Yo! s'y +'ste& yo!r se't "elt( '&d I s'y o$'y. Yo!Fve ,'de the l'=s +or ,eI I do&Ft h've to. The l'=s 're there( =o&der+!l( +or o!r "e&e+it. They 're =h't is '&d I love 'll th't is.: 8I still do&Ft *!ite get it(: s'ys ' =o,'& ? '&d =e $eep )o,i&g "')$ to this 'll eve&i&g ? 8Yo! thi&$ everythi&g is per+e)t '&d yet =e h've 'll this s!++eri&g i& the =orld( 'll this poverty( 'll this viole&)e. Ho= )'& th't "e per+e)tio&>: 8ItFs ' ,irror As$: #h't is the viole&)e i& ,e I )'&&ot '))ept> As$: #h't is ,y +e'r o+ de'th( o+ poverty> Is it tr!e> Is there so,ethi&g =ro&g =ith de'th> ItFs ' "elie+. All o!r p'i& )o,es +ro, "elie+s. #e eDperie&)e ' tho!ght '&d 'tt')h ' "elie+ to it. #e see de'th '&d "elieve itFs evil. #ho s'ys> #e loo$ 't the s$y '&d s'y itFs "l!e. Is it> ItFs si,ply '& '&)ie&t ,yth. #he& I &o lo&ger +e'r ,y o=& de'th( I hold the dyi&g )hild 9 A CRY IN THE DESERT =itho!t +e'r. I loo$ i&to th't )hildFs eyes '&d he sees o&ly pe')e. I )'&&ot give hi, the "elie+ th't de'th is so,ethi&g to "e +e'red. I )'&&ot give =h't I do &ot h've. #h't is &ot "elieved )'&&ot "e +e'red. I =ill "e =ith hi,( i& pe')e( to th't very eDperie&)e =e )'ll de'th "e)'!se I &o lo&ger h've th't +e'r =hi)h preve&ts ,e +ro, "ei&g prese&t. %or yo! ? ,e.: 8;$'y(FF s'ys ' =o,'& =ho is sitti&g o& the +loor i& +ro&t o+ ,e. 8I )'& !&derst'&d '"o!t '))ept'&)e '&d love '&d 'll th't( "!t I get so )o&+!sed. Ho= do yo! $&o= =h't to '))ept> Ho= )'& yo! $&o= =h't to do> Ho= do yo! get to the poi&t =here yo! )'& "e pe')e+!l =he& so,eo&e yo! love h's died>: 8Yo! do the dishes.: 0yro& -'tie is '"sol!tely serio!s. 8#h't> 8I )'ll th't ,y highest spirit!'l eDperie&)e: -'tie does the dishes. I& the ,o,e&t the tho!ght 'rises( FDo the dishes(F I do the,. Tho!ght1')tio&. Si,ple. The& '&other tho!ght rises. I ,ove. I ', ,ove,e&t. I do&Ft 's$ =hy. Hell is to 's$ =hy. So,eo&e )'lls ,e o& the pho&e '&d 's$s ,e to )o,e to S'& %r'&)is)o +or ' <'theri&g. I )he)$ to see i+ IF, 'lre'dy )o,,itted '&d i+ the ti,e is 'v'il'"le I s'y yes. To $&o= the Tr!th '&d spe'$ it is he've&.: 8Do yo! ever s'y &o>: 8;h yes. IF, very )le'r '"o!t s'yi&g &o. I+ so,eo&e ,'$es so,ethi&g +or ,e '&d "ri&gs it to ,e s'yi&g( FI ,'de this +or yo! =ill yo! '))ept it>F '&d I loo$ 't it '&d I do&Ft ='&t it( I s'y &o. Tr!th. The Tr!th sets yo! +ree. -&o= yo!rsel+ '&d ')t o& th't Tr!th.: A gr'y1h'ired =o,'& +l'res. 8Th'tFs )r'Hy( )o,pletely o!t o+ to!)h =ith re'lity. So,eti,es yo! )'&Ft s'y &o. 9i+e G!st presses do=& o& yo!. eople =ho 13 t'l$ li$e yo! do G!st do&Ft $&o= '"o!t '&ger. IF, '&gry. 7y '&ger is =h'tFs re'l. I h'd eight )hildre&I I did&Ft h've ' )hoi)e. Th'tFs =h'tFs re'l. I )'&Ft s'y I do&Ft ='&t the, ? &ot &o=. 0!t I )'&Ft help "!t "e '&gry either.: 0yro&Fs voi)e is ge&tle. 8#ho s'id yes eight ti,es over> #ho s'id yes to the ,i&ister 't the =eddi&g> #h't is the pri)e yo! 're &ot =illi&g to p'y> #ho =ere yo! tryi&g to ple'se =ith yo!r yes> I see gre't love +ro, yo!( ,isdire)ted '&d &ot t'$i&g )'re o+ yo!rsel+( &ot )ryi&g o!t the N; ? th't s)re', i&to re'l i&tegrity. C'& yo! d're to le'r& to spe'$ it( &o=( i& si,ple ='ys> Th't is =h't eight )hildre& 're +or. Is the p'i& e&o!gh yet> It is 's yo! s'y it is. Tr!th is the highest order. <od. Tr!th spo$e& is the voi)e o+ the 6lti,'te. #ho ord'i&ed th't =e h've eight )hildre&> The "ody i& ')tio& is the yes. Not to see this is to "e o!t o+ to!)h =ith Re'lity.: A&other =o,'& o& the +loor presses o&( 8So =he& IF, tryi&g to +ig!re o!t =h't to do i& order to ,'$e ,y li+e ,e'&i&g+!l ... >: 8Yo! do the dishes. Yo!r li+e is ,e'&i&g+!l 'lre'dy. Yo!r li+e is. 9ive i& the ,o,e&t. #he& the tho!ght 'rises( do it. #he& yo! h've do&e it o+te& e&o!gh( the tho!ght th't 'rises =ill "e visi"le 's yo!r he'rtFs desire.: #he& "elie+ ,'rries tho!ght( =eFre ,oved +ro, Tr!th. FDo the dishes(F the tho!ght s'ys. F0!t doi&g dishes is ' ,e&i'l t's$F the "elie+ ro)l'i,s. 0elie+ sti)$s li$e /el)roM to tho!ght. Th't is the ,'rri'ge. The& they prod!)e )hildre& '&d gr'&d)hildre& "elie+s. Eve&t!'lly =e 're livi&g o& ' +o!&d'tio& "!ilt +ro, ge&er'tio&s o+ !&tr!ths '&d )o&+!sio&. This is '& eD', o+ rei&)'r&'tio&( the o&ly rei&)'r&'tio& there is. 11 A CRY IN THE DESERT 8%or eD',ple( FDo the dishesF ,'rries FI o!ght to "e doi&g so,ethi&g ,e'&i&g+!l.F 8 N#hy sho!ld I "e st!)$ doi&g dishes>E Th'tFs the "'"y. FS!rely ,y li+e is =orth ,ore th'& thisJF1&o= the "'"yFs getti&g ,'rriedJ FS!rely I h've ' t's$ i& li+e higher th'& doi&g dishesJF1'lo&g )o,es the +irst gr'&d)hild. FI )'& &ever do '&ythi&g i,port'&tI =h't ' d!&)e I ',F ? the gr'&d)hild is ,'rried. F#hy does&Ft '&ythi&g good ever )o,e ,y ='y>F ? 'h'( ' gre't gr'&d)hild. A&d the +',ily o+ des)e&d'&ts )hor!ses( F#hy do&Ft people eDpe)t i,port'&t thi&gs +ro, ,e> oor ,eJ No"ody &oti)es ,e. No"ody re)og&iHes ho= =o&der+!l '&d =ise I re'lly ',. All I ever do is ='sh dishesJF This is ,'rri'ge =itho!t "irth )o&trol( '&d I still h've&Ft do&e the dishes. 0y this ti,e the ,'rri'ge o+ "elie+ to tho!ght h's prod!)ed the rei&)'r&'tio& o+ =h't =e see 's li+e. 8#he& tho!ght ,'rries "elie+ =e h've ,'teri'l +or,. Nothi&g &e=. All re)y)led. The lie is "or& 'g'i& 's ='s do&e i& the "egi&&i&g o+ tho!ght th't =e )'ll ti,e. This is rei&)'r&'tio&I there is &o ti,e '&d sp')eI yo! 're the thi&$er o+ it. To see 'll this i& Tr!th( i& the thi&$i&g ,o,e&t( is to eDperie&)e the )oll'pse o+ ti,e '&d sp')e. 8IFve "ee& '='y +ro, ho,e &o= +or ,ore th'& t=o =ee$s. 7y h!s"'&d is&Ft very good 't )le'&i&g '&d ='shi&g )lothes( so o&e tho!ght is th't I =ill ='l$ i& the door to see dishes st')$ed !p '&d there =ill "e dirty )lothes '&d the ho!se =ill "e ' ,ess '&d IFll h've ' pile o+ ,'il ' +oot high. 0y &ight 'll o+ it =ill "e do&e. ;&e t's$ '+ter '&other( si,ply( =itho!t ,e&t'l 'rg!,e&t. I G!st ='l$ thro!gh the ho!se '&d do =h't )o,es to ,e to do. I do =h't is i& +ro&t o+ ,e. I do the dishes. This is ,y privilege.: 14 8C'rryi&g ='ter( sho!lderi&g =ood: is '& '&)ie&t spirit!'l ,'Di, o+ Oe& 0!ddhis,. It is prep'r'tio& +or e&lighte&,e&t: devotio& to =h't is i& +ro&t o+ yo!1 IF, )o&st'&tly i&trig!ed "y the ='y 0yro& -'tieFs te')hi&gs p'r'llel 'ge1old te')hi&gs o+ virt!'lly 'll the spirit!'l tr'ditio&s: Christi'&ity( 0!ddhis,( the v'rio!s Yog's( the T'o. A&d yet she st!died &o&e o+ the,. A))ept the 9ove i& +ro&t o+ yo! This is +'vorite o+ 0yro&Fs te')hi&gs. Everythi&g I &eed is right i& +ro&t o+ ,e. I+ I do&Ft re)og&iHe th't( it is "e)'!se I ', +o)!sed o& so,ethi&g th't is&Ft there. #he& I i&sist o& the thi&g th't is&Ft there( I ,iss the 9ove i& +ro&t o+ ,e. I ig&ore the light o+ Tr!th '&d )'&&ot see the 9ove. I resist e&lighte&,e&t. I& ' )!lt!re =here more is better( ho= )'& =e gr'sp the tr!th th't .es!s g've to 7'rth'> 8Tho! 'rt )'re+!l '&d tro!"led '"o!t ,'&y thi&gs: "!t o&e thi&g is &eed+!l: K9!$e 13:51154L. It is the thi&g right i& +ro&t o+ yo!. I do the dishes. I =rite the "oo$. I =eed the g'rde&. I liste& to ,y +rie&d. I loo$ i&to ,y dyi&g ,otherFs eyes. I si&g the so&g. #e )'rry ='ter. #e sho!lder =ood. #e do the dishes. Nothi&g is ='&ti&g( '&y=here. All is 9ove. #e st'y +o!r ho!rs 't C'rol 9y&&Fs. So,e o+ !s =o!ld st'y 'll &ight. C'rol 9y&& s!ggests =e e't so,e o+ the "re'ds '&d &!ts '&d +r!its '&d veget'"les =eFve "ro!ght '&d l'id o!t o& her di&i&g roo, t'"le. #e "egi& to ,ove. Sever'l ,e& p!ll )h'irs !p )lose to 0yro& -'tie. They )o&ti&!e to *!estio& her. I+ everythi&g is per+e)t( =h't is there to ')hieve> I+ =e h've everythi&g =e &eed( =hy strive +or =e'lth> I+ 'll 're i&&o)e&t( =h't '"o!t the ,!rderers( the )hild ,olesters( the r'pists. I+ 1B A CRY IN THE DESERT =e )'&Ft )li," o!t o+ =ro&g( =h't 're =e doi&g here> A&d she )o&ti&!es to '&s=er =ith 'll she $&o=s. 8#e 're. #e 're ;&e( )re'ti&g. I& th't still&ess =e 're the '='re&ess o+ )re'tio& ,ovi&g 's Itsel+. #e l')$ &othi&g. So,e )'& he'r herI so,e shi+t "e+ore her very eyes( '='$e to the Tr!th they eDperie&)e. Co,i&g ho,e +ro, C'rol 9y&&Fs I re,e,"er the =o,'& =ho is '&gry '"o!t her eight )hildre&. She is &ot di++ere&t +ro, ,e. There 're ti,es I h've "ee& e*!'lly '&gry th't I &ever "e)',e preg&'&t. I =o&der =hy =e )li&g so te&')io!sly to o!r p'i&( to the tho!ghts th't $eep !s +ro, o!r Goy( s!)h tho!ghts 's: Re'lity is '&gerI I did&Ft h've ' )hoi)eI IFve &ever h'd e&o!gh. ItFs l'te. I )li," i&to "ed. The tho!ght )o,es !p th't .oh& '&d I =ill &ever "e '"le to '++ord ' ho,e o& the ='ter+ro&t. I s,ile '&d p!t the tho!ght 'side. I go to sleep '&d dre', o+ g!lls. 15 7EETIN< I +irst ,et 0yro& -'tie o& ' Septe,"er eve&i&g i& 199B 't the ho,e o+ ' ,!t!'l +rie&d. #he& I 'rrived( 0yro& ='s sitti&g o& the so+' t'l$i&g i& lo= to&es to ' ,odest1loo$i&g =o,'& =ith lo&g gr'y1"lo&d h'ir. 0yro& s't )ross1legged( her +eet dr'=& !p !&der her( '&d ='s =e'ri&g ' +!ll 7eDi)'& s$irt i& )or'ls( "l!es( '&d "ro=&s( ' ,'t)hi&g vest over ' "ro=&ish shirt( '&d lots o+ "e'ds '&d lo&g e'rri&gs. Her )!rly "lo&d h'ir ='s )'!ght !p o& top o+ her he'd i& ' )or'l ri""o&. She =ore he'vy eye ,'$e1!p '&d did&Ft loo$ li$e ,y ide' o+ ' spirit!'l te')her. I s't do=& o& the +loor. There =o!ld "e lots o+ people )o,i&g( ,'&y ,ore th'& the 'v'il'"le )h'irs. I ='&ted to "e positio&ed i& s!)h ' ='y th't I )o!ld see 0yro& 't )lose r'&ge '&d( 't the s',e ti,e( =it&ess her i&ter')tio& =ith the other g!ests. I+ I =ere t!)$ed "')$ i&to the )or&er )lose to the so+' I =o!ld re,'i& !&o"tr!sive. I =o!ld G!st ='t)h. 7y l'st ,o&th h'd "ee& ,ore th'& ' little !&settli&g. It h'd st'rted =ith ,y ,otherFs de'th '&d e&ded =ith the &e=s th't I )o!ld &o lo&ger postpo&e ,'Gor s!rgery. .!st t=o d'ys "e+ore( drivi&g "')$ +ro, the Cost)oM store( I h'd st'rted )ryi&g( so""i&g li$e ' )hild( +eeli&g s)'red to de'th. #he& I 's$ed ,ysel+ =hy( 'll I )o!ld )o,e !p =ith =ere ' )hildFs &ight,'res( i,'ges o+ de,o&s '&d o+ ho!ses "!r&i&g do=& '&d o+ losi&g people th't I loved. These =ere +e'rs I h'd "'&ished lo&g 'go =ith 'irtight( r'tio&'l 'rg!,e&ts. No= I =or$ed 't )o&soli&g ,ysel+. 8Yo!r ,other died(: I s'id. 8ItFs grie+ .: 1A A CRY IN THE DESERT Nevertheless I +elt +r'gile. I did&Ft ='&t to t'l$. I p!lled !p ' pillo= '&d le'&ed 'g'i&st it. The ,odest loo$i&g =o,'& ='s 's$i&g the o&e th't ,!st "e 0yro& -'tie =hether it ='s o$'y to dri&$ )o++ee. 8I+ yo! 's$ the *!estio&( yo! ,'y ='&t to t'$e ' loo$ i&side(: 0yro& s'id. 8;&ly yo! )'& $&o= the Tr!th o+ yo!. I he'r th't yo! 'lre'dy $&o=.: I loo$ed 'ro!&d. Seve& or so =o,e& s't i& )l!sters o+ t=o or three. No o&e see,ed to "e p'yi&g 'tte&tio& to the t=o o& the so+'. All 't o&)e 0yro& -'tie loo$ed str'ight 't ,e. 8IF, 0yro&(: she s'id '&d s,iled. Never h'd I see& eyes li$e th't. 9'ter S'&dr' )'lled the, 8see1thro!gh.: So,eo&e else )'lled her the 8lit l'dy.: I tho!ght her eyes loo$ed silver. To '&other =o,'& they loo$ed t!r*!oise. The thi&g '"o!t =hi)h =e 'll 'gree is th't 0yro& -'tieFs eyes shi&e. 8IF, Christi&.: Th't ='s 's +'r 's I i&te&ded to go( 't le'st !&til I +o!&d o!t ,ore '"o!t her. She lo)$ed o&to ,e. She see,ed li$e ' h'=$( I l'ter tho!ght( so'ri&g i& o& ,e( '&d &o ,'tter ho= I dodged she =o!ld&Ft let ,e get '='y. 8#h't 're yo!r tho!ghts>: She s,iled '&d ='ited. #h't ' str'&ge *!estio&. A&s=eri&g it )o!ld t'$e 'll &ight ? ' li+eti,e( ,'y"e. Th'tFs =hy I =rite "oo$s: 7y tho!ghts 're ,'&i+old. I po!r the, o!t. ')$'ge the,. Store the, o& shelves. I de)ided to "e )'re+!l. ItFs so e'sy to "e +ooled. 8I tho!ght '"o!t th't o& the ='y over '&d de)ided th't I ='&t to le'r&.: These =ere ,y =ords. I h'd ')t!'lly tho!ght: I'll just sit there and listen and learn. I'll only say something after I'm comfortable and then only if I really hae something to say. I don't want to risk too much! I feel too fragile. I don't want anyone to know about the fear that "o""ed out the other day. 16 8Ah( yo! 're ' st!de&t.: She see,ed ple'sed. I ='s&Ft ' st!de&t '&y,ore. I h'd gr'd!'ted lots o+ ti,es. I h'd degrees. I h'd =ritte& "oo$s( t'!ght )l'sses( le)t!red( do&e 'll sorts o+ thi&gs. I !sed to "e ' st!de&t. 0ei&g )'lled ' st!de&t red!)ed ,e to ' "egi&&er i& the =or$ to =hi)h ,y =hole li+e h'd "ee& devoted. ;& the other h'&d( G!st the other d'y I h'd +elt three ye'rs old '&d 's +righte&ed 's i+ I h'd &ever le'r&ed ' thi&g. 8Yo! ,ight s'y th't(: I 'd,itted. 8Tell ,e yo!r tho!ghts. #h't is it yo! =o!ld li$e to le'r&>: She le'&ed +or='rd. Those eyes r'di'ted. She loo$ed li$e ' +e,'le 0!ddh'( "!t 'lso li$e the h'=$. I st'rted +eeli&g li$e ' ,o!se i& ' +ield. The h'=$ so'red. 8I =o!ld li$e to le'r& '"o!t +e'r(: I "l!rted o!t. C'!ght i& the ope&. No pl')e to hide. The s)ree)h o+ the h'=$I the sh'do= o+ the =i&g. 8%e'r res!lts +ro, the "elie+ th't yo! 're goi&g to lose so,ethi&g or &ot get so,ethi&g yo! ='&t. There is &o eD)eptio& to this( eve& 's yo!r ego 'tt')$s itsel+.: So si,ple. 0!t it +elt li$e she ='s re'di&g ,y he'rt. She s'id ,ore( "!t I )'&Ft re,e,"er it. Her =ords hit ho,e. I +elt te'rs slip do=& ,y )hee$s. 7y +e'rs see,ed )hildish "!t 't the s',e ti,e grippi&g. I ='s e,"'rr'ssed to 'd,it the, "!t +elt po=erless to es)'pe the,. 8No= tell ,e '"o!t yo!r +e'rs.: She ='ited. I too$ ' deep "re'th. 8retty ,!)h =h't yo! s'id. IF, '+r'id o+ losi&g =h't I love.: 8A&d =h't eD')tly is th't>: 7y ,i&d s'id &o( yo! )'&Ft s'y yo!r +e'r 'lo!d. Yo! )'&Ft 'd,it yo! +e'r )hildish thi&gs. ;&ly !&ed!)'ted people +e'r s!)h thi&gs. Yo! $&o= "etter. #h't =ill 'll these people thi&$ o+ yo!> 1C A CRY IN THE DESERT 8I& +ro&t o+ 'll these people>: I l'!ghed ' little( 8These str'&gers>: 8There is o&ly ;&e. There 're &o str'&gers here.: She spo$e =ith '!thority. 8No=( tell ,e yo!r tho!ghts '"o!t +e'r.: I st'rted "l!rti&g o!t ' t'&gle o+ st!++ th't )'!sed ,y he'rt to r')e eve& 's ,y ,i&d reGe)ted it. I e&ded "y s'yi&g I +elt I ='s o& ' threshold o+ so,ethi&g( "!t i+ I stepped over( everythi&g I h'd "elieved '&d '))o,plished 'll ,y li+e =o!ld "e sho=& to "e '& ill!sio& '&d I =o!ld lose ,ysel+. There =o!ld "e &othi&g. I $&e= I ='s so!&di&g )r'Hed( hysteri)'l. I +elt three ye'rs old '&d '"o!t t=o i&)hes t'll. 8Th'tFs right(: 0yro& respo&ded. She 'ss!red ,e th't yes( this =o!ld "e the e&d o+ the =orld 's I eDperie&)e it. Her eyes "l'Hed. Cle'&. A p!re light. I&des)ri"'"le. A )o,"i&'tio& o+ love '&d =hite he't th't ev'por'tes i,p!rities. I &o lo&ger re,e,"er the )o&ti&!ity o+ =h't she s'id. #he& I try to repe't the =ords( they so!&d "l'&d )o,p'red to the ='y they +elt =he& she dire)ted the, to ,e. 8Th'tFs right(: she s'id( 8All the "elie+s th't yo!Fve )o&str!)ted to prote)t yo!rsel+ thro!gho!t yo!r =hole li+e 're &ot &eeded( !&&e)ess'ry. Yo! 're '+r'id "e)'!se yo! thi&$ yo! 're ' "ody. Yo! thi&$ yo! 're ' "ody( '&d yo! 're '+r'id o+ de'th ? '+r'id o+ &othi&g( o&ly ill!sio&( "elie+ syste,s. There is &o de'th. Yo! 're !si&g yo!r ,i&d to s)'re yo!rsel+. To sh',e yo!rsel+. Yo! )'&&ot lose the o&es yo! love. It is i,possi"le. Yo! 're the o&e yo! lost. ;thers do&Ft "elo&g to yo!. 0!t yo! o"liter'te the, i& yo!r ,i&d. Yo! 're the o&e =ho s'ys they die. Yo! 're eDperie&)i&g yo!r o=& de'th thro!gh the tho!ght. Yo!r +e'rs t!r& i&to re'lities( yo! )re'te the,( yo! ,'teri'liHe the,. 12 86&le'r& those "elie+s. Do yo! !&derst'&d>: 8#ho 're yo!>: I 's$ed. Her =ords so!&ded li$e ' )o,"i&'tio& o+ Ne= Age G'rgo& '&d esoteri) =isdo,. 0!t ,y ,i&d '&d its )riti)'l +!&)tio&s +elt "yp'ssed. I "elieved her. Te'rs r'& do=& ,y +')e( '&d I did&Ft "other =ith the,. IFd &ever ,et ' h!,'& "ei&g li$e this =o,'&. I& ' +li)$er o+ ,e,ory I tho!ght o+ those dis)iples o+ .es!s =ho )',e to hi, i& =o&der( 's$i&g the s',e *!estio&( '&d he s'id si,ply( 8Co,e '&d see.: 8#ho do yo! thi&$ I ',>: 0yro& -'tie s,iled 't ,e. .es!s s'id th't( too( did&Ft he> 8#ho do people s'y th't I ',>: 8I h've&Ft the +'i&test ide'.: It ='s tr!e. All ,y ide's '"o!t re'lity '&d =h't is possi"le +or h!,'& "ei&gs to "e =ere +'lli&g i& ,y ,i&d li$e dyi&g st'rs. I stood o& the threshold o+ ' &e= )re'tio&. 80e)'!se yo! do &ot $&o= yo!rsel+( yo! )'&&ot $&o= th't I ', yo!. Yo! see o&ly yo!rsel+ i& ,e. Yo! )'&&ot $&o= yo!rsel+ i& the )e&ter o+ ' tho!ght stor, th't is( itsel+( these i&s'&e tho!ghts. Yo! 're so "e'!ti+!l. Yo! 're so loved. I& the +e'r yo! )re'te yo! )'&&ot $&o= these thi&gs.: #ho ='s she> I h'd to $&o=. 8H've yo! 'l='ys "ee& this ='y> 8 I 's$ed. 8No. Seve& ye'rs 'go I ='s G!st li$e yo!. %righte&ed. S)'ttered. %r'g,e&ted. I lo)$ed ,ysel+ i& ,y ho!se. I ='&ted to die. I =eighed ,ore th'& t=o h!&dred po!&ds. I )losed ,ysel+ i& ,y "edroo, '&d too$ to ,y "ed. The& ' "ei&g +ro, '&other re'l, )',e to ,e i& ,y ho!se '&d led ,e thro!gh 'll the )re'tio& i& 'll the !&iverses. I +elt ,ysel+ p'ss thro!gh everythi&g '&d everythi&g p'ss thro!gh ,e. I re'liHed th't I ', the st'rs '&d the ro)$s '&d 'll the people '&d the '&i,'ls '&d there is o&ly ;&e. I ret!r&ed 's yo! see ,e &o=.: 19 A CRY IN THE DESERT I did&Ft !&derst'&d( "!t I +o!&d ,ysel+ '))epti&g the ,ystery o+ this =o,'&. Th't eve&i&g 0yro& -'tie told ,e I ,!st ope& ,y he'rt to Goy( '))ept the "e'!ty o+ ,y li+e( serve =ith love +or the p!re Goy o+ it. No= it is possi"le( she 'ss!red ,e( to give the gi+t o+ ,ysel+ '&d let the +e'r go. 8Yo! 're ' little "'"y(: she s'id. 8Do yo! !&derst'&d>: I !&derstood th't I ='s so,ethi&g &e=. She t!r&ed to so,eo&e else. 8#h't 're yo!r tho!ghts>: she 's$ed. Three ho!rs l'ter I =e&t ho,e still &ot )ert'i& =ho this =o,'& ='s. I $&e= there ='s so,ethi&g eDtr'ordi&'ry '"o!t her. I ='s "egi&&i&g to !&derst'&d th't she h'd de'lt ' de'th"lo= to ,y ego '&d its +e'rs '&d th't I &eeded th't. I re'liHed th't I h'd ='&ted to loo$ good i& +ro&t o+ 'll those people. I re'liHed th't I h'd to stop hidi&g &o=. There is &othi&g to )over !p( &othi&g to prote)t. Not i+ 'll o+ !s 're 9ove. Not i+ everythi&g is ;&e. I =o$e the &eDt ,or&i&g =ith the tho!ght th't I =o!ld "!y ' red rose +or ,y &eigh"or( S'&dr'( =hoFd G!st ret!r&ed +ro, the hospit'l =here she !&der=e&t ' r'di)'l ,'ste)to,y. I =o!ld t'$e her ' rose 'lo&g =ith so,e te'. I ='&ted to "ri&g pe')e to her i& =h'tever ='y I )o!ld. ;& the ='y to get the rose( I let ,ysel+ loo$ o!t 't the =orld ? the )'rs r!shi&g !p the +ree='y( the hills p!rpled "y the risi&g s!&( 'll the ,ove,e&t o+ )re'tio& ? 's o&e "ei&g. It )',e to ,e th't the =ord I h've pre+erred +or <od is Holy ;&e. 0!t I 'l='ys pl')ed the e,ph'sis o& holy. This e,ph'sis di++ere&ti'ted the ;&e th't is <od +ro, everythi&g else. S!dde&ly I !&derstood &ot G!st =ith ,y ,i&d "!t 'lso =ith ,y he'rt th't the 43 e,ph'sis is ,ore tr!ly to "e pl')ed o& #ne. There is o&ly ;&e. All is i&)l!ded. Eve& I. Eve& I ', i&)l!ded. I stopped 't S'+e='y +or S'&dr'Fs rose. There ='s o&ly o&e red o&e. I loo$ed 't so,e other "o!*!ets "!t $&e= the rose ='s +or her. I "o!ght it '&d so,e +r!it. #e s't i& her di&i&g roo,( p!t the rose o& the t'"le =ith other +lo=ers '&d so,e )'&dles. She t'l$ed '"o!t her )'&)er '&d '"o!t de)isio&s: =h't to do '"o!t r'di'tio&( '"o!t )he,other'py. Alter&'tive ,edi)i&e. She ='s !si&g ' tre't,e&t +ro, 7eDi)o. I told her '"o!t 0yro& '&d s'id she =or$ed =ith )'&)er p'tie&ts. S'&dr'Fs eyes lit =ith so,ethi&g li$e h!,or. 8D!ri&g ,y ,edit'tio& this ,or&i&g I 's$ed +or ' he'ler(: she s'id. She )'lled '&d spo$e =ith 0yro&. I& '& ho!r 0yro& ='s there. She s't =ith S'&dr' '&d 's$ed her so,e o+ the s',e $i&ds o+ *!estio&s th't she h'd 's$ed ,eI "ro!ght her !p 'g'i&st her +e'rs. I s'= 0yro& "ri&g S'&dr' right !p 'g'i&st her de'th. I ='t)hed 's S'&dr' rele'sed her +e'r. D!ri&g the ,o&ths th't +ollo=ed( I tho!ght o+ 0yro& o+te&. I& Nove,"er I 'tte&ded o&e o+ her =or$shops '&d =it&essed perso& '+ter perso& rele'se ,e&t'l '&d e,otio&'l p'i& th't h'd pl'g!ed the, +or ye'rs. I le'r&ed the pro)ess th't 0yro& )'lls The #or$. I ='&ted to $&o= ,ore. I ='s )le'r '"o!t this: 0yro& spe'$s Tr!th '&d she loves =hoever is i& +ro&t o+ her. She loves the, )o,pletely '&d !&)o&ditio&'lly. I tho!ght it possi"le th't this gi+t o+ 9ove is the $ey th't !&lo)$s resist'&)es '&d rele'ses the )o!r'ge =e 'll &eed to tell o!rselves the Tr!th o+ o!rselves. Th't Tr!th is 9ove. A&d 9ove he'ls. 41 A CRY IN THE DESERT 0!t =h't o+ her li+e> #h't h'd h'ppe&ed th't ='s po=er+!l e&o!gh to reve'l this 9ove i& her> I deter,i&ed to +i&d o!t. ;&e eve&i&g '+ter ' <'theri&g I 'ppro')hed her. 80yro&>: She t!r&ed '&d s,iled. 8Yes( ho&ey>: 80yro&( IF, ' =riter. I thi&$ IF, s!pposed to =rite ' "oo$ '"o!t yo!. #h't do yo! thi&$> 8 8Yes. ItFs tr!e. A&d '&ythi&g yo! ='&t to $&o=( '&ythi&g yo! &eed to =rite this "oo$( I =ill "e there( t=e&ty1+o!r ho!rs ' d'y( to give it to yo!. .!st 's$.: Th't si,ple. At +irst I did&Ft $&o= =h't I &eeded. The& people "eg'& telli&g ,e their stories. 0yro& sh'red '!dio t'pes o+ <'theri&gs '&d o+ the =or$shop I 'tte&ded. She ,et =ith ,e. She '&s=ered every *!estio& I )o!ld thi&$ !p. eople +illed o!t *!estio&&'ires '&d se&t the, to ,e. S!dde&ly( it see,ed( I h'd +i+ty ho!rs o+ t'pes( ' photogr'ph o+ 0yro&( l'!ghi&g( o& ,y des$( '&d 'll the ti,e i& the =orld. I ='s re'dy to "egi&. 44 A#A-ENIN< 0yro& -'tieFs li+e "eg'& i& %e"r!'ry o+ 1926 =he& she ='s +orty1three. A )o)$ro')h )r'=led over her +oot. She l'y o& the +loor i& '& 'tti) roo, o+ ' ho!se o& the "e')h G!st o!tside o+ 9os A&geles. It ='s ' h'l+='y ho!se +or =o,e& re)overi&g +ro, e'ti&g disorders( =hi)h 0yro& &o= ide&ti+ies 's thi&$i&g disorders. She does&Ft $&o= ho= lo&g she l'y there. Ti,e is &o&eDiste&t. She )o!ld&Ft lie i& the "ed. She )o!ld&Ft go do=&st'irs. She ='s told th't the other =o,e& =ere '+r'id. -'tie r'ged. They +e'red she =o!ld "re'$ thro!gh( thro= her e&or,o!s "ody thro!gh the lo)$s( the "oo"ytr'ps( '&d h!rt the, 'll. She tells ,e th't +or t=o =ee$s she ='s 8&ot eve& )ohere&t( re'llyI i&s'&e thi&gs =ere goi&g o& i& ,y he'd. I ='s 'sleep '&d the sleep +elt li$e r'ge. E'rly o&e ,or&i&g ' )o)$ro')h )r'=led over ,y +oot ? I ='s '='$e.: As +'r 's she $&o=s &o=( she h'd "ee& de'd( '&d this '='$e&i&g res!rre)ted her. 9i$e '& i&+'&t she st'red 't her +oot. 8I eDperie&)ed the +eeli&g o+ this )o)$ro')h ,ovi&g over ,y +oot. I s'= ' +oot '&d I did&Ft $&o= it ='s ,i&e. I s'= the )o)$ro')h '&d I tho!ght it ='s ,e. I s'= the +oot ,ove i& re')tio&. I &oti)ed ' prior tho!ght '&d the .oy eDperie&)ed i& th't re)og&itio& is "eyo&d =ords. The h'&d ,oved. The "ody ,oved. She rose 's )o&s)io!s&ess o"servi&g itsel+( 'll ' res!lt o+ prior tho!ght 'lre'dy do&e( delighted( ='l$i&g( ,ovi&g ? '&i,'tio& o"servi&g itsel+. She livesJ: 0elie+s "o,"'rded +ro, the ,'teri'l =orld. 8I loo$ed !p '&d I s'= the "ed "e)'!se IFd "ee& sleepi&g o& the +loor. I eDperie&)ed th't theyFd ,'de !p ' "ed +or 4B A CRY IN THE DESERT ,e( '&d I s'= th't the "ed h'd "ee& there 'll the ti,e eve& tho!gh I h'd&Ft re)og&iHed it. I "e)',e '='re o+ ' "elie+ th't I ='s&Ft =orth ' "ed ? '& '&)ie&t dre',. I )',e to $&o=( i&st'&tly( th't it ='s( i& +')t( o$'y to lie o& it. Everythi&g( i,'gi&ed or !&i,'gi&ed( is o$'y. 9i+e 's I h'd $&o=& it ='s )h'&ged.: She h'd &o ='y o+ disti&g!ishi&g =here she le+t o++ '&d so,ethi&g else "eg'&. 8I ='s the 'll ? '&d the 'll ='s ,e(: she s'ys &o=( "!t 't th't ti,e she h'd &o re+ere&)e to '&y $i&d o+ l'&g!'ge( '&y philosophi)'l syste, o+ spirit!'l pr')ti)e th't ,ight ide&ti+y th't 8'll: +or her. 8Ho= )o!ld the !&de+i&'"le "e ide&ti+ied> I $&e= &othi&g o+ spirit!'l ,'tters. I $&e= &othi&g o+ <odI I $&e= &othi&g o+ 0!ddh'I I $&e= &othi&g o+ st!de&ts o+ spirit!'lity. I did&Ft !&derst'&d =hy people eve& "othered to st!dy s!)h ,'tters. I& +')t( I $&e= &othi&g. I did&Ft thi&$. I ='s G!st tryi&g to s!rvive. I s'= doors '&d I s'= )eili&gs '&d I s'= people '&d =he& yo! spo$e I vi"r'ted =ith the so!&d ? yo!r voi)e ? I did&Ft $&o= =h't it ='s.: Her h!s"'&d )',e. Her )hildre& )',e. She did&Ft re)og&iHe the, i& the ='y =e t'$e +or gr'&ted. She st'red 't the,. The o&e they )'lled her h!s"'&d s'id he ='s '!l. She $&e= it ='s tr!e. #he& they s'id 8h!s"'&d: '&d 8)hildre&: she 'lso $&e= th't to "e tr!e. 8All this &',i&g is ' )os,i) Go$e(: 0yro& eDpl'i&s. 8I& this h!,'& re'l, =e &',e thi&gs. Th'tFs +i&e =ith ,e. ItFs +!&. 0!t itFs &ever ,e'&t to "e t'$e& 's the Re'lity l 'lso =o!ld loo$ 't ,y h'&ds '& see@: she p'!ses( 't ' loss +or =ords( 8h'&ds( h!s"'&d( )hildre& ? 'll the s',e( 'll loved( 'll 'dored.: She st'red 't her +',ily +ro, =h't +elt li$e ,ille&&i' o+ dist'&)e '&d +ro, th't dist'&)e rose the tho!ght o+ )hildre&. 45 0!t the tho!ght ='s o+ little o&es '&d these =ere gro=& !p. 8They s'id they =ere ,i&e '&d ,y h!s"'&d s'id =e =ere ,'rried '&d other people 'greed '&d so =e =ere. #e still 're. IF, devoted to th't. I ', devoted to =h't I =o$e !p to. ItFs the o"vio!s. Th'tEs ho= I $&o= =ho I ',. #h't I "e)',e devoted to ='s the thi&g1i& +ro&t o+ ,e.: Th'tFs i& retrospe)t. 0')$ the& 0yro& -'tie ='s lost i& ' =orld =itho!t deli&e'tio&. 0yro&Fs d'!ghter( RoD'&&( =ho ='s '"o!t siDtee& 't th't ti,e( eDperie&)ed her ,other 's h'vi&g regressed to '"o!t t=o ye'rs o+ 'ge. 8I led her 'ro!&d "y the h'&d(: she re,e,"ers( 8'&d she )ried "e)'!se she ='s lost. She =e&t +ro, "ei&g ' r'ge+!l =o,'& to this little lost girl.: It ='s 'l,ost 's tho!gh -'tie =ere &ot hersel+( the loss o+ her +or,er =orld ='s so tot'l. A&d it persisted. So,e ti,e '+ter her ret!r& ho,e +ro, the h'l+='y ho!se( she 'tte&ded ' )l'ss re!&io& '&d did&Ft re)og&iHe her +or,er high s)hool )l'ss,'tes. 80!t I $&e= +ro, ' ,illio& ye'rs 'go =ho they =ere. I $&e= 't so,e level ? their vi"r'tory level ? i&ti,'tely. I $&e= everythi&g '"o!t the, "!t I )o!ld&Ft tell yo! =h't it ='sI I )o!ld&Ft tell yo! their &',es '&d I )o!ld&Et )o&&e)t the +')es. I $&e= "eyo&d +')es '&d &',es. The& they st'rted telli&g ,e =ho I ='s. I h'd 'll these people IFd $&o=& +ro, )hildhood( 'll +illi&g i& ,y li+e +or ,e. It ='s =o&der+!l. Th'tFs o&e ='y I )'& $&o= h!,'&&ess( =ho I ', i& the ,'teri'l =orld.: Her livi&g ='s ,ore pro+o!&d th'& )'& "e ide&ti+ied or eDpl'i&ed "y the =ord amnesia. It ='s&Ft si,ply th't she did&Ft re,e,"er peopleFs +')es or =here her ho!se ='s lo)'ted. SheFd lost her e&tire str!)t!re +or per)eivi&g re'lity 's she h'd $&o=& it. The '"ility to )o,,!&i)'te =e&t =ith it. -'tie h'd to st'rt +ro, s)r't)h. 4A A CRY IN THE DESERT 8Ho= )'& I t'l$ =ith yo! =itho!t spe'$i&g o+ p'st '&d +!t!re> Ho= )'& I p!t se&te&)es together> Ho= )'& I tell yo! =h't '&ythi&g is> I did&Ft $&o= =h't ,y ho!se ='s( =h't ,y to=& ='s. I did&Ft $&o= =h't '&ything ='s. I did&Ft $&o= there ='s '&ythi&g to F='s.F So I h'd to le'r& h!,'&&essI I h'd to le'r& to )o,,!&i)'te the ='y th't I see. A&d the ='y th't I see is to see i& the tot'l prese&t( =ith &o p'st or +!t!re( =ee$ '+ter =ee$( ,o&th '+ter ,o&th( ye'r '+ter ye'r ? =ith &o "elie+ 'tt')hi&g itsel+ to tho!ght( ever.: She st'rted right there 't the h'l+='y ho!se. She )',e do=&st'irs '&d the ther'pists t'!ght her to ,edit'te. Eve& h'd she eDperie&)ed '='re&ess o+ her +or,er li+e( ,edit'tio& =o!ld h've "ee& +oreig& to her. 8IF, this =o,'& +ro, 0'rsto=( yo! $&o=( '&d =e do&Ft do th't. #eFd o&ly re'd '"o!t g!r!s '&d s!)h thi&gs i& the +!&&y p'pers. The ther'pists told ,e si,ply =h't to do( '&d I ='s so '='$e th't I G!st "elieved the,. They told ,e =h't to do '&d I did it. This ='s p!re .oy. This ='s li+e lived si,ply. To ')t =itho!t tho!ght is divi&e.: D!ri&g the ,edit'tio&s 0yro& -'tie ,oved deeply i&to her 8'='$e: eDperie&)e( so deep( i& +')t( th't she lost to!)h =ith the se&sory =orld. ;&e d'y d!ri&g the ,edit'tio& '& '!to,o"ile )r'shed i&to so,ethi&g o& the street i& +ro&t o+ the h'l+='y ho!se. eople G!,ped !p '&d r'& to the =i&do=s "!t 0yro& -'tie s't there( still i& ,edit'tio&( )o,pletely o"livio!s to the &oise( the )o,,otio&. 8The& =he& they dire)ted ,e to )o,e o!t( I )',e o!t. They =ere 'll t'l$i&g '"o!t the '!to,o"ile '))ide&t. 0!t I h'd do&e =h't they told ,e '&d I tr!sted i& th't. I ='s i& ,edit'tio&. I ='s G!st +ollo=i&g dire)tio&s.: 0yro& s'ys th't d!ri&g the ,edit'tio&s she le+t '&d )',e "')$ =ith $&o=ledge th't she )'lls revel'tio&s. 46 '!l )h!)$les over this &o= '&d s'ys he te'ses her '"o!t t'$i&g ti,e o++ '&d goi&g to )ollege =he& he ='s&Ft loo$i&g. This $&o=ledge ='s &e= to her. eople )'lled it =ise( )le'r. These =ere thi&gs sheFd &ever see,ed to &o= "e+ore. %or three ye'rs the revel'tio&s =ere &o&stop(: 0yro& eDpl'i&s &o=. I =o!ld liter'lly t'$e the, to the streets '&d try to tell people( "!t it s)'red the, '&d so they ,oved '='y +ro, ,e. Re'lly( the revel'tio&s )o!ld&Ft "e p!t i&to =ords. Th't ='s =here I ='s doi&g h'r,( "y tryi&g to p!t the, i&to =ords. ;&)e i& =ords they &'rro= do=& to very si,ple thi&gs li$e unknowing is eerything! no time$ no s"ace! there is only %oe! I am %oe. These si,ple thi&gs 're everythi&g. They 're everythi&g. S'id i& =ords they 're so si,ple "!t they )'&Ft "e he'rdI they )'& o&ly "e eDperie&)ed. They )'& "e told i& the stories th't I live '&d people so,eti,es get the eDperie&)e. ;&e =ho is th't eDperie&)e )'& te')h it "e)'!se the eDperie&)e is the te')hi&g. ;&ly o&e =ith the '='re&ess th't she is th't revel'tio& )'& )o&siste&tly t'$e th't ro'd. All th't st'&ds i& the ='y o+ '='re&ess 're the ,'&y +or,s o+ ide's th't represe&t ' "elie+ th't =e 're &ot th't revel'tio&. #e 're stopped =he& =e "elieve =e 're &ot =h't =e re'lly 'reI th't is the po=er o+ "elie+. #e 're stopped "y '&y )o&)eptPper)eptio& th't t'$es !s +ro, the '='re&ess o+ 8I A,.: She ',pli+ies the revel'tio&s =ith stories o+ those ye'rs '+ter the origi&'l '='$e&i&g. 8There is &o ti,e(: she )l'i,s. 8There is &o sp')e.: 0!t she s'ys ,ore. 8I ,issed l'rge sp')es i& ti,e. ;&e eD',ple I li$e to give is th't I st'rted ' lo'd o+ l'!&dry '&d ='l$ed to the $it)he&. I did&Ft he'r the ='shi&g ,')hi&e goi&g so I =e&t "')$ to )he)$ o& the )lothes '&d they =ere 'lre'dy ='shed. I did&Et $&o= =h't ti,e h'd el'psed. It ='s 4C A CRY IN THE DESERT the& th't I st'rted $&o=i&g i& this di,e&sio& ? ho= )'& I s'y it> ? the de,o&str'tio& o+ &o ti,e or sp')e. I did&Ft G!st know itI it ='s de,o&str'ted. I ='s =itho!t tho!ght. The& I h'd ' tho!ght. I& the sp')e "et=ee&( the )lothes =ere ='shed. 8The& I ='s i& ' hot t!" '&d he'rd the =ord( Adita '&d it ='s ' =o&der+!l eDperie&)e +or ,e. It )',e o!t o+ ,e 's tho!gh it =ere trippi&g over ' )hildFs to&g!e( iss!i&g +ro, ' )hildFs lips. I s'id it over '&d over '&d over. It ='s +',ili'r. It ='s the so!&d o+ ahhh( so lovely( t=i)e i& o&e =ord. I s't i& the hot t!" '&d "e)',e '='re th't I h'd&Ft "ee& "re'thi&g +or ' lo&g ti,e '&d th't I ='s '='$e '&d th't 'll o+ this ='s "ei&g do&e =itho!t "re'th( i& "liss.: 0yro& sh'res 'll these eDperie&)es =ith !s 's eD',ples o+ the '='$e&i&g pro)ess. The !&+',ili'r )'& terroriHe !s. She ='&ts !s to $&o= th't ='$i&g !p is +!&. She ='&ts !s to re'liHe th't =e do&Ft h've to sh!t the pro)ess do=& "e)'!se o+ the terror =e ,ight +eel 's ' res!lt o+ o!r !&+',ili'rity =ith it. 8I& this pro)ess I h've "ee& p'r'lyHed +ro, the ='ist do=& 's ,y "ody ='s prep'red. 7y legs =ere p'r'lyHed '&d I eDperie&)ed o&ly "liss( &ot $&o=i&g =h't it is +or i& Fti,eF '&d &ot )'ri&g. This is ho= itFs do&e. This is the ,'&i+est'tio&. #ho ', I to s'y> A&d =hy =o!ld I> There 're &o tho!ghts +or this. This is the o&ly ='y I )'& )o,,!&i)'te it to yo!. Everythi&g is ' gi+t. 8There ='s ' ti,e =he& I ='s =ith so,e people '&d I eDperie&)ed th't ,y =hole "ody dre= !p li$e ' g&'rly old l'dy. I+ yo!Fd h've h'd to ,ove ,y li,"s( ,y +i&gers( ,y toes( yo! =o!ld h've h'd to "re'$ ,y "ody to do it. I ='s li$e th't +or over '& ho!r o&e d'y. They ,oved ,e i&to ' "edroo, '&d 's$ed i+ they )o!ld dr!,( "!r& s'ge( '&d r!" ,y +eet. I )o!ld see th't this =o!ld 42 ple'se the,( '&d th'tFs =h't IF, here +or. The gi+t to ,e ='s th't I got to see h!,'&s "!r&i&g s'ge '&d dr!,,i&g. I got to eDperie&)e th't h!,'&s r!" +eet. I got to see rit!'l per+or,ed i& the 'tte,pt to ='rd o++ +e'r. The &eDt d'y it h'ppe&ed 'g'i&. ;& the se)o&d d'y ' s)re', iss!ed +orth +ro, this "ody. Ye'rs l'ter( ,y +rie&d A&&( told ,e this ='s ' pri,ordi'l s)re',I it is =ithi& everyo&e. At the ti,e( I did&Ft $&o= th't. I si,ply he'rd the s)re', '&d th't it )',e +ro, this "ody. The s)re', )o&ti&!ed +or '& ho!r. At &o ti,e did I eDperie&)e it 's perso&'l. I )'ll it FThe S)re',.E It is old "elie+s( 's "ody( )'t)hi&g i& !p to e&lighte&ed ,i&d ? "elie+ syste,s !&do&e. A+ter FThe S)re',F( the people 's$ed ,e &ot to )o,e "')$. It ='s their "elie+ th't I ='s too ope& '&d th't d'r$ e&tities )o!ld possess ,e =itho!t e++ort. 7y $&o=ledge is: There is o&ly <od. I )o!ld sh!t do=& '&d live i& +e'r o+ d'r$ e&tities( p'r'lysis( s)re',s( peopleFs opi&io&s( or I )'& live 's 9ight. D'r$&ess )'&&ot s!rvive the 9ight. A&d 9ight is Tr!th. 8#h't ' privilege to serve yo! g&'rled. #h't ' privilege to serve yo! this ='y or th't ='y. ThereFs o&ly servi&g. The o&ly .oy is i& the servi&g. I serve ,e +irst. I+ I serve yo! it is o&ly to serve ,eI I ', so )le'r '"o!t &ot $&o=i&g =h't yo! &eed. I )'&Ft $&o= =h't yo! &eed. It is&Ft ,y "!si&ess to $&o= =h't yo! &eed ? itFs yo!rs. Yo! 're respo&si"le +or +!l+illi&g yo!r &eeds. So i+ yo! &eed so,ethi&g( 's$( '&d i+ I )'& s!pply th't( the& I do it( +or ,e( "e)'!se i& th't doi&g is ,y .oy. Yo!Fre there to sho= ,e .oy so I )'& serve e&dlessly( e++ortlessly. 0!t I do&Ft step i&to the del!sio&'l thi&$i&g th't it is +or yo!. Yo! do yo!rs. I& th't doi&g 'll the "oo$s o+ 9i+e live.: 49 A CRY IN THE DESERT To -'tieFs &e= ='y o+ seei&g( her +or,er li+e loo$ed !pside do=&. The people =ho )',e i& )o&t')t =ith her '+ter her )o)$ro')h eDperie&)e( i&)l!di&g her +',ily( +o!&d her '& e&ig,'. They tried to +it her i&to their eDperie&)e. She liste&ed '&d she "elieved e')h o+ the, !&til =h'tever they s'id &o lo&ger )oi&)ided =ith =h't ='s "ei&g reve'led to her +ro, =ithi& 8I =o$e !p '&d people st'rted ,i,i)$i&g ,e( 0yro& s'ys 's she des)ri"es =h't this ti,e ='s li$e +or her. 8They too$ o& ,y )h'r')teristi)s '&d t'l$ed li$e ,e '&d g've ,e +eed"')$ li$e Fyo!Fre '='$eI yo!Fre ' thisI yo!Ere ' th't.F I h'd &o )l!e. I ='s G!st ope&i&g ,y eyes. IFd get i&to the sho=er '&d dis)over ' legJ A&d it ='s ,i&e> A&d ,y h'&ds =o!ld "e ='shi&g '&d IFd thi&$ ? =h't is it doi&g> IFd "eg!& to see thro!gh di++ere&t eyes. The .oy o+ this )'&&ot "e des)ri"ed.: So,e people )'lled her walk&in. It ='s '& ide&ti+i)'tio& th't g've her re+!ge +or sever'l ye'rs "e)'!se it ')ted 's ' ,et'phor to eDpl'i& =h't +elt i&eDpli)'"le '"o!t her eDperie&)e. eople told 0yro& th't she ='s ' spirit!'l e&tity th't h'd t'$e& possessio& o+ this "ody "y 'gree,e&t '&d th't the o&e her h!s"'&d '&d )hildre& $&e= '&d re)og&iHed ='s de'd. 8They s'id FYo! =ere dyi&g '&y='y( so yo! ='l$ed o!t '&d the walk&in stepped i&.F It so!&ded +i&e to ,eI I did&Ft re)og&iHe ,y ho,eI I did&Ft re)og&iHe +rie&ds( +',ily( '&yo&e. I ='s seei&g everythi&g &e= '&d they &',ed th't walk&in. Th't +it +or ,e. I ,!st "e here o& the pl'&et +or the +irst ti,e( ' "ei&g o+ 9ight "e)'!se 'll I see is 9ove '&d I do&Ft !&derst'&d =hy others prete&d th't they do&Ft see it 'lso. At the s',e ti,e I $&e= th't 'll o+ !s 're the s',e( the others G!st =ere&Ft '='re o+ it yet ? th'tFs =h't ti,e doesI it te')hes !s spe)i+i)'lly ho= to live i& eDperie&)e 's )'!se '&d e++e)t. B3 So I )o!ld "e ' walk&in. I "elieve everyo&e. I ', ' walk& inI I ', ='l$ o!tI I ', 'll thi&gs. RoD'&& 'lso +o!&d the des)riptio& help+!l. She s'ys( 8I do&Ft $&o= ho= to des)ri"e =h't she ='s li$e =he& she )',e ho,e. eople s'id she ='s ' walk&in. IF, &ot s'yi&g th'tFs =h't she ='s( "!t this is =h't it ='s li$e: She ='s 's i+ she =ere de'd. The& she )',e o!t o+ the h'l+='y ho!se. Her +')e ='s )h'&ged )o,pletely. Her eyes =ere )le'red. She ='s &ot the s',e perso&. 9'ter o& 0yro& re'liHed th't walk&in is sy,"oli). 8I+ =e do&Ft s!rvive o!r re'lity o& o&e level(: she s'ys( 8#e go to ' di++ere&t level 'l='ys 'v'il'"le to !s =ithi& '&d 're served 'l='ys. The higher te')hi&gs th't )o,e to ,e +ro, this level sho= ,e th't there is o&ly ;&e. It ='s ,e re)og&iHi&g 7e. The &eDt step )'&Ft "e told. There 're &o =ords +or it.: The esse&)e o+ 0yro&Fs '='$e&i&g is Tr!th. Co,,it,e&t to Tr!th is pri,'ry +or her. The ,o,e&t o+ the )o)$ro')h t'!ght her this. I& the i,,edi')y o+ the ,o,e&t( everythi&g ='s ;&e. The& her ,i&d ,oved her slightly o++ th't re'liH'tio& to the se&se o+ 8+oot: 's sep'r'te +ro, 8)o)$ro')h: '&d +ro, th't to the &otio& o+ I ', &ot...: This ,ove,e&t '='y )o!ld h've )o&ti&!ed '&d eve&t!'lly she =o!ld h've 'rrived 't the st'te o+ "ei&g she eDperie&)ed "e+ore '='$e&i&g. 0!t i&ste'd o+ ,ovi&g '='y( she ret!r&ed to the 8;&e&ess o!t o+ 'll "elie+s.: 8I s'=. I +elt. The& I lost it. A&d I ide&ti+ied th't it ='s '& !&tr!e "elie+ '"o!t =h't I s'= '&d( there+ore( +elt th't "elie+ ='s the ,ove,e&t '='y. I s'= th't the "elie+ ='s&Ft re'l. I !&le'r&ed the )o&)ept 'tt')hed to NseeE '&d F+eelF '&d eDperie&)ed Fho,eF 'g'i&. All th't &eeds to "e do&e is to develop this pro)ess. A&d this is =h't I te')h ? 1 ' =ritte& ='y o+ st'yi&g i& '='$e&ed Tr!th. #he& B1 A CRY IN THE DESERT yo! $&o= th't it is yo!r "elie+ 'tt')hed to yo!r tho!ght( yo!r !&tr!e )o&)epts( th't sep'r'tes yo!( itFs over. ItFs do&e. Yo!Fre '='$e. 8#he& I ='s ' )hild( I $&e= I ='s 9ove. The& I h'd the tho!ght th't I was not( !&til I ='s +orty1three '&d Tr!th )',e to ,e i& the pe')e o+ the ,o,e&t '&d I $&e= 'g'i& th't I was. The& I h'd the tho!ght th't I wasn't( '&d i&ste'd o+ its l'sti&g +orty1three ye'rs( I re)og&iHed it &o= +or =h't it ='s '&d ', 'g'i& the '='re&ess o+ the I Am. Eve& th't tho!ght is t=o steps '='y +ro, the Divi&e th't )'&Et "e told ? o&ly eDperie&)ed.: 6&le'r&i&g is ,o,e&t1"y1,o,e&t =or$. It re*!ires dedi)'tio& '&d re&!&)i'tio&. -'tie $&e= she &eeded help. To get th't help she =e&t +ro, te')her to te')her( "egi&&i&g =ith the ther'pists 't the h'l+='y ho!se. %ro, the st'rt she )hose to st'y =ith Tr!th. Tr!th ='s her highest )hoi)e. Tr!th ='s higher th'& either 'tt')h,e&t or loss. She re'liHed th't 'tt')h,e&t '&d the per)eptio& o+ loss is the o&ly de'th. 9i+e spri&gs +orth 's =e let go o+ 'tt')h,e&t. '!l ='&ted to t'$e her ho,e i,,edi'tely. He ='s ill. D!ri&g the seve& ye'rs th't pre)eded her '='$e&i&g( -'tie h'd +'lle& ,ore '&d ,ore deeply i&to ' depressive st'te( '&d '!l h'd t'$e& o& the servi)e o+ )'re. He did =h'tever he )o!ld to )'rry her( to )'rry the +',ily( to )'rry their "!si&ess thro!gh. He loved the, 'll. '!l tells ,e( 8#he& yo! love so,eo&e( yo! love the,( th'tEs 'll. It does&Ft ,'tter i+ they 're +'t or thi&( s'&e or i&s'&e( si)$ or =ell. Yo! G!st love the,( '&d it goes "eyo&d 'll those thi&gs.: He )'rried ' =eight &ot ,e'&t +or '&y h!,'& "ei&g. It ='s&Et his love th't ='s so he'vy. 9ove $ept hi, 'live. 9ove $ept the, 'll 'live. 9ove is ' +ree gi+t B4 '&d +rees the o&e =ho gives 's =ell 's the o&e =ho re)eives. The "!rde& '!l )'rried ='s the re*!ire,e&t he pl')ed !po& hi,sel+ to s've the, 'll( to $eep -'tie 'live. He 'l,ost died. D!ri&g the seve& ye'rs o+ -'tieFs ill&ess( '!l s!++ered +o!r he'rt 'tt')$s. She +elt terri+ied th't he =o!ld die. It ='s 's tho!gh -'tie '&d '!l =ere dyi&g o&e '&otherFs de'ths. 8I "eg'& to die those seve& ye'rs(: she s'ys o+ th't ti,e( 8'&d i& the ,e'&ti,e I ,'rried '!l. I ='s so si)$ =he& I ,'rried hi,. I ='s so )o&+!sed. So )o&+!sed ? '&d I did it '&y='y( G!st li$e I did everythi&g else ? so )o&+!sed. The& I liter'lly "eg'& to die '&d he st'yed =ith ,e '&d he st'yed '&d st'yed. He ,'rried ,e 't the e&d '&d st'yed. He too$ )'re o+ the )hildre&. He ='s their ,other1+'ther. I ='s re'lly o!t o+ ,y ,i&d. No ,'tter =h't I s'id or did( he st'yed. 8#he& I =o$e !p he )',e to the h'l+='y ho!se to t'$e ,e ho,e( '&d his do)tor +iDed hi, !p =ith he'rt ,o&itors. They told the 'd,i&istr'tors th't i+ I did&Ft )o,e ho,e he =o!ld die o+ ' he'rt 'tt')$. He h'd 'lre'dy eDperie&)ed +o!r he'rt 'tt')$s( '&d e')h ti,e they s'id he ='s&Ft goi&g to live. KAll o+ this h'ppe&ed "e+ore I =o$e !p.L 7y tho!ght ='s th't he =o!ld h've '&other ,'ssive )oro&'ry '&d =o!ld go i&to i&te&sive )'re '&d die. It ='s terri+yi&gJ He ='s ,y )'ret'$er. 8So he )',e to the h'l+='y ho!se '+ter I =o$e !p '&d told ,e I h'd to )o,e ho,e or he ='s goi&g to die. I loo$ed 't hi, '&d told hi,: FI+ I do&Ft )o,e ho,e yo! ,'y die. I+ I )o,e ho,e I will die.F 8IFd 'lre'dy h'd the )o)$ro')h eDperie&)e so I $&e=. I $&e=. Nothi&g ,oved ,e +ro, <od 't th't poi&t. Nothi&g. A&d i& the h'l+='y ho!se people t'l$ed '"o!t <od.: BB A CRY IN THE DESERT '!l did&Ft $&o= her. He loved her( eve& )h'&ged( "!t he did&Ft $&o= her '&y ,ore th'& she $&e= hi,. He l'!ghs over it &o=( s'yi&g th't =he&( +i&'lly( she )',e ho,e( she ='s so,eo&e else. He told her he &eeded to go "')$ to the h'l+='y ho!se to +i&d his =i+e. At the ti,e( '!l s'ys( the loss ='s dev'st'ti&g. 8I p')ed thro!gh the ho!se +or sever'l ye'rs 's$i&g( F#here did she go>F8 Ch'&ge is )h'&ge eve& =he& it is +or the "etter. A&d 8#he& the slightest thi&g )h'&ges(: 0yro& -'tie s'ys( 8Everythi&g )h'&ges "e)'!se the slightest thi&g is everythi&g.: Her )h'&ge ,e'&t th't the =hole +',ily =o!ld )h'&ge '&d they resisted. 8I h'ted her(: RoD'&& sh'res. 8I ='s siDtee& ye'rs old '&d ,y ,o, ='s go&eJ I tho!ght she ='s +!ll o+ shit. I tho!ght FSheFll get ,e. SheFll lo=er the "oo, G!st li$e "e+ore. This is ' tri)$.F A)t!'lly I ='s so s)'red th't sheFd )o,e "')$ ? the o&e she ='s "e+ore she =e&t to the h'l+='y ho!se( the "e'st( '&d IFd do '&ythi&g to $eep th't o&e '='y. The other p'rt o+ it ='s th't she )o&ti&!'lly )h'lle&ged 'll the "elie+s sheFd o&)e give& to ,e. 9i$e( sheFd tell ,e I )o!ld )hoose. Choose>J #'s she $iddi&g> #hy h'd&Ft she )hose&( "e+ore( i+ )hoosi&g ='s so e'sy> #ho did she thi&$ she ='s $iddi&g> I tho!ght she ='s ,essi&g =ith ,y "r'i&. I did&Ft "elieve her.: 0yro&Fs so&( Ross( =ho tot'lly '))epted her li+e "e+ore tre't,e&t( =hoFd 'l='ys do&e =h'tever ='s &eeded to o"t'i& her '))ept'&)e( =ho h'd sh'red =h't she &o= )'lls her i&s'&ity( +elt "etr'yed. 8I ='s i& de&i'l. #he& everyo&e s'id she ='s si)$( I did&Ft thi&$ B5 she h'd ' pro"le,. #h't she ='s see,ed &or,'l "e)'!se IFd eDperie&)ed her th't ='y +or eightee& ye'rs. I did&Ft $&o= '&y di++ere&t. The& she st'rted getti&g i&to 'll o+ her spirit!'lity( '&d it ='s very( very =eird ? )r'Hily =eird. I ='s $i&d o+ li$e( e,"'rr'ssed( "e)'!se she ='s so Fo!t there.F She ='s i& o!ter sp')e. I thi&$ =h't h'ppe&ed ='s th't she hit the eDtre,e opposite. She ='s ' sp')e "ei&g. It ='s very( very r'di)'l. I did&Ft "elieve her.: 0yro&Fs ,other( =ho h'd 'l='ys t'$e& gre't pride i& 0yro& -'tieFs ')hieve,e&ts( st'yed '='y. 8#he& -'tie ='s re'lly( re'lly si)$(: she tells ,e( 8I h've to s'y th't I ='s &ot the perso& to de'l =ith it. It ='s ' terri"le ti,e( '&d 'll I +elt ='s th't I did&Ft $&o= ho= to )ope =ith it '&d I +elt reGe)ted. 0e)'!se it &ever o))!rred to ,e th't people got si)$ '&d t!r&ed o& people they love. It ='s s'd. I did thi&$( tho!gh( th't I ='s &ot the "est perso& to "e =ith -'tie.: The losses th't +ollo=ed 0yro&Fs '='$e&i&g '&d her s!"se*!e&t =or$ to st'y i& Tr!th to!)hed her to the )ore. 0yro& s'ys th't( letti&g go o+ 'tt')h,e&t is so,eti,es eDperie&)ed 's s'd&ess. The o&ly letti&g go o+ 'tt')h,e&t is the letti&g go o+ ' "elie+. 0!t th't letti&g go is( !lti,'tely( the loss o+ ' =hole =orld. #e '='$e +ro, ' dre', to see the ,ythology =e )re'te '&d s!"stit!te +or Re'lity. 8I lived sep'r'ted +ro, ,y +',ily o+ origi& ? ,y ,other( older sister( yo!&ger "rother( &ie)es( '&d &ephe=s ? +or +ive ye'rsI it ='s so p'i&+!l. I =o$e !p '&d they =ere&Ft there( '&d I ='s&Ft i&vited to Christ,'s or Th'&$sgivi&g or their "irthd'ys. Holid'ys =ere 'rr'&ged thro!gho!t the ye'r( '&d I ='s&Ft i&vited '&d &either =ere ,y )hildre&( =hi)h is !&derst'&d'"le d!e BA A CRY IN THE DESERT to the )h'&ge th't h'd t'$e& pl')e. It ='s so s)'ry. I tho!ght I =o!ld die o+ the loss. So I h'd to love so,ethi&g higher. I h'd to st'y =ith the ,other th't I $&e=. Th't ,other ='s Tr!th. 8I s'y it li$e it ='s &othi&g( "!t. . . . A&d I do sh're it =ith people 'l='ys. #he&ever I ='s 'ro!&d ,y +',ily( they tre'ted ,e 's i+ I =ere goi&g to "re'$( 's i+ I =ere so +r'gile( '&d it see,ed they )o!ld&Ft get '='y +ro, ,e +'st e&o!gh. They g've ,e the gi+t o+ "ei&g =itho!t +',ily o& the physi)'l level o+ re'lity. This ='s '& ho&ori&g "eyo&d =h't I )o!ld $&o=. It l'sted +ive ye'rs. 8I h'd to h've Tr!th. It ='s ho= I st'yed +ree. %',ilies le've. %rie&ds le've. ;!r )hildre& le've. 7others le've. H!s"'&ds le've. <od is. Tr!th is. <od &ever ,oves. Th'tFs ho= lovi&g <od is. #e ,ove '='y through <od so th't =e )'& $&o= =h't =e )'& $&o=. #e 're 'll i&&o)e&t.: A+ter three or +o!r =ee$s( -'tie le+t the h'l+='y ho!se '&d )',e ho,e. The +',ily eDpe)ted thi&gs =o!ld ret!r& to &or,'l( th't -'tie =o!ld 'g'i& "e)o,e the perso& she h'd "ee& "e+ore her seve&1ye'r slide i&to depressio& '&d de'th. %or her( tho!gh( th't ='y o+ " "ei&g ='s go&e It ='s&Ft &or,'l '&y,ore. She re')hed to='rd the,( they ye'r&ed to='rd her( "!t they )o!ld&Ft ,eet. 8I ='s livi&g i& ' =orld I did&Et re)og&iHe(: she s'ys. I ='s&Ft '"le '&y lo&ger to do =h't 'll o+ yo! do. I )o!ld&Ft e't li$e yo! )'&I I )o!ld&Ft see li$e yo! )'&I I )o!ld&Ft he'r li$e yo! )'&I I )o!ld&Ft ver"'liHe ? &o&e o+ it. I ='s i& p'ssio&'te 9ove +or everyo&e '&d every ti,e I =e&t to yo! I )o!ld&Ft $eep ,y h'&ds o++ yo!. I ='s B6 =ild =ith 9ove. I ='s ,'d =ith 9ove. A&d every ti,e I =e&t to yo!. I s)'red yo!. So I )o!ld&Ft. No&e o+ ,e ='s '))ept'"le.: #he& the '&g!ish o+ this 'lie&'tio& "e)',e too gre't( her h!s"'&d '&d )hildre& &eeded to hold her do=& o& the "ed =hile they telepho&ed the ther'pists. She told the ther'pists '"o!t her =ild love( her !&restr'i&ed )o,p'ssio&. 8A&d they too$ ti,e o!t to he'r ,e. Th't they =o!ld liste& ='s "eyo&d ,y )o,prehe&sio&. 0!t( o+ )o!rse( i+ IF, the 9ove( so 're they. I =e&t o!t '&d +o!&d th't 'll people 're th't ='y. A+ter th't I )o!ld 's$ +or 9ove =itho!t s)'ri&g yo! '&d 'tt')$i&g yo!. IEd G!st s'y( NIE, &ot doi&g very =ell. C'& yo! hold ,e>F Th't ='s ,y li&e. .!st the Tr!th. #h'tever I ='s +eeli&g. A&d I ='s &ever t!r&ed do=& "y '&y h!,'&. Ever. A&y=here. #e 're love.: -'tie too$ to the streets( =e&t to the people. She '( 's$ed '!l to drive her to the 9os A&geles 're'( G!st to let her o!t i& the ,iddle o+ the )ity. 8A&d he =o!ld 'rg!e '&d yell so ,!)h th't I did&Ft re)og&iHe hi,. He =e&t &!ts '"o!t this. I ='s lovi&g everythi&g e*!'lly '&d he '&d ,y )hildre& =ere very )o&+!sed. A&d this ,'&( ,y h!s"'&d( =o!ld drop ,e o++ =ith =h't he s'= 's ' ho,eless =o,'& i& do=&to=& S'&t' 7o&i)'. HeFd drop ,e o++ =ith Fthose peopleF '&d le've ,e. He s!++ered the 'go&y o+ &ot 'l='ys $&o=i&g =he& he ='s to pi)$ ,e !p( '&d I h'd&Ft "ee& o!t o+ his sight +or ye'rsI I ='s his "'"y. IFd s'y( FI &eed to do this or I ', goi&g to die.F This ho,eless =o,'&( =ho h'd 'lso "ee& o&e o+ the ther'pists 't the h'l+='y ho!se( spo$e o+ thi&gs I )o!ld he'r. She ='s '& A&gel to ,e. '!l lo'thed this =o,'&. He ,'y h've see& ,e 's lovi&g her ,ore th'& I loved hi,. I =o!ld go to her. I& his ,i&d she ='s t'$i&g )'re o+ ,e &o=. She ='s &!rt!ri&g ,e.
BC A CRY IN THE DESERT Nevertheless he le+t ,e there =ith her. He tr!sted. Th'tFs 9ove. Th'tFs 9ove.: She 'tte&ded T=elve Step progr',s =ith this =o,'&. Together they visited pr')titio&ers o+ Ne= Age spirit!'lity. 8I e&ded !p sleepi&g o& the +loors o+ the str'&gest pl')es. I st'yed =ith her "e)'!se she h'd &',es +or =h't ='s h'ppe&i&g to ,e 9'ter I )',e to re'liHe the possi"ility th't she ,'y &ot h've "ee& eDperie&)i&g 'll the "e'!ti+!l Tr!th she ='s te')hi&g. She too$ ,e to people =ho spo$e o+ )h'&&eli&g spirit g!ides '&d I ='s ','Hed. Eve&t!'lly I )',e to $&o= '&other Tr!th. ED)ept +or "elie+s th't s'y other=ise( there is o&ly ;&e. All the rest is proGe)ted. At o&e poi&t ,y ho,eless +rie&d "e)',e so +r!str'ted th't she stopped )o&t')ti&g ,e. This ='s the sep'r'tio& '&d =h't re,'i&s is the 9ove th't I eDperie&)ed 's this =o,'&. IFd &ever he'rd the thi&gs she spo$e "e+ore. IFd &ot he'rd th't yo! )o!ld h've the <od o+ yo!r )hoi)e. I did&Ft $&o= '&ythi&g '"o!t '&y $i&d o+ )hoi)e.: A+ter '"o!t ' siD ,o&th +rie&dship =ith this =o,'&( -'tie "eg'& to live =itho!t her g!id'&)e. 8I +o!&d th't "ody( li$e 'll eDter&'l thi&gs( is si,ply '&other sy,"ol re+le)ti&g ,i&d. -'tie =e&t the ='y o+ Tr!th( '&d her "ody respo&ded =ith he'lth. She s'ys e')h o+ !s is the !lti,'te te')her. She eDperie&)ed th't =he& she too$ i& '&y '&i,'l so!r)e 's +ood( her to&g!e "led i& ' strip do=& the )e&ter( '&d she &eeded to =ipe it =ith tiss!es. E')h ti,e the '&i,'l so!r)e h'd p'ssed thro!gh her( the "leedi&g stopped !&til the &eDt i&t'$e o+ '&y '&i,'l so!r)e =he& the "leedi&g =o!ld 'g'i& 'ppe'r. C'!se '&d e++e)t is the !lti,'te te')her i& the ,'teri'l di,e&sio&. R'= +r!its '&d veget'"les see,ed to "e the e'sier +ood her "ody =o!ld '))ept. No ,ore B2 i)e )re',. No ,ore )ig'rettes or 'l)ohol or red ,e't. No ,ore de'th. SiD ,o&ths '+ter the )o)$ro')h( the 9'dy )',e. '!l ='s holdi&g -'tie. They +elt 'go&y( '&other $i&d o+ de'th. I& the ,idst o+ this( she &oti)ed ' =o,'& sitti&g i& the )h'ir "y the side o+ the "ed. She s't =ith her legs 'p'rt 's '& !&re+i&ed old l'dy ,ight '&d held her h'&ds i& +ro&t o+ her( ,'$i&g i&terlo)$i&g ri&gs o+ her th!,"s '&d +ore+i&gers. She loo$ed =o&der+!l to -'tie( vol!pt!o!s ? '& old l'dy i& ' d'r$ p'isley dress( her h'ir i& ' "!& o& top o+ her he'd. -'tie +elt hersel+ ,erge( o&e =ith the o&e th't she )'lls ,y 9'dy. 8A&d the& I s'= ? 1 all of itJ I ='s this =o,'&( sitti&g there. I )o!ld see thro!gh her eyes th't 'lso "e)',e ,y eyes. Th't ='s =here I le'r&ed there is &o ti,e '&d &o sp')e. It ='s&Ft t'!ghtI it ='s $&o=&. I loo$ed over 't the ,'& '&d the =o,'&( =ho =ere ,y h!s"'&d '&d ,e( '&d s'= the terror i& their eyes. They =ere &ot eve& visi"le to ,e 's ,'& '&d =o,'&I they =ere "'rely h!,'&. These 're the o&ly =ords I )'& !se to des)ri"e the, ? 1 "'rely h!,'& +ro, ti,eFs "egi&&i&g. they =ere s!++eri&g +ro, pro+o!&d g!ilt( '&d their o&ly g!ilt ='s th't they did&Ft $&o= th't they did&Ft h've to s!++er. I +elt '& 'll e&)o,p'ssi&g 9ove +or the, i& their i&&o)e&)e. They did&Ft $&o= =ho they =ereI they did&Ft yet $&o= the "e'!ty o+ the,selvesI "!t I $&o=. #h't I ', =e&t so +'r "eyo&d =h't ,y "elie+s( 't th't ti,e( )o!ld e&)o,p'ss th't I split 'p'rt. This is the split =e 'll +eel "et=ee& the ,'&i+ested sel+ '&d the re'l Sel+. A&d th't )'&Ft "e p!t i&to =ords either. #h't I ', is ' )o,plete( tot'l 9ove th't h's &ever le+t this ;&e. It ='s ' )ell!l'r )h'&ge. It ='s r'di'&t. It st'ys.: B9 A CRY IN THE DESERT #ords 're i&)'p'"le o+ des)ri"i&g =ith eD')t&ess =h't h'ppe&ed to -'tie. She s'ys( 8I shot thro!gh 'll the re'l,s.: I&st'&t'&eo!sly she "e)',e the '='re&ess o+ Re'lity i& its )o,plete&ess. The ,et'phor o+ ti,e( "egi&&i&g '&d e&d( '&d the e&dpoi&t o+ =h't =e )'ll evol!tio& ope&ed to her. She ='s( hersel+( the evol!tio&. She ='s "ei&g( +!lly evolved. 8I le'r&ed =h't I &eeded to le'r&. The& =he& I s'= the )o!ple o& the "ed( I $&e= th't they G!st did&Ft !&derst'&d. To the,( it ='s&Ft ti,e yet. They h'd&Ft 'dv'&)ed 's th't yet. 8 She $&e= hersel+ to "e the )o,plete ;&e( the tot'lly per+e)t Re'lity '&d( si,!lt'&eo!sly. The =o,'& i& pro)ess evolvi&g i&to th't ;&e( lo)'ted i& ' spe)i+i) ,o,e&t. 8A&d it ='s do&e. I +o!&d the pl')e i& =h't =e )'ll ti,e '&d +o)!sed o& it. 8%ro, the +!ll&ess o+ 0ei&g( the ,o,e&t +o)!sed. Th't ,o,e&t provided her =ith ' g'te='y "')$ i&to the di,e&sio& o+ re'lity =e )'ll ti,e '&d sp')e( "')$ to the t=o people o& the "ed i& the ho!se i& 0'rsto=( C'li+or&i'. 8I "elieve tod'y(FF she tells !s( 8Th't i+ the eDperie&)e h'd &ot "ee& proGe)ted o!tside o+ ,e( it =o!ld &ot h've "ee& possi"le to hold the vi"r'tio& o+ love th't I ',( th't =e 're. ;& ' )ell!l'r level it )o!ld "e des)ri"ed 's '& eDplosio&( '& o"liter'tio& i& 9ight "eyo&d =h't ' h!,'& )o!ld s!rvive.: #e p'ss "eyo&d this ,ort'l li+e. #e e&ter i&to <od. -'tie ret!r&ed +ro, this eDperie&)e rel'Ded( her he'rt he'led "y the love o+ the 9'dy. 8Did yo! see her>: she 's$ed '!l. 8#ho>: 87y 9'dy.: He s'id &o. He did&Ft *!estio&. The 9'dy st'yed =ith her +or 's lo&g 's -'tie &eeded her( 'pproDi,'tely seve& ye'rs. -'tie dis)overed 53 th't i+ she eD'gger'ted '&y eDperie&)e or devi'ted i& the slightest ,'&&er +ro, the Tr!th( the Ce&ter( the 9ight o+ Re'lity( the& the 9'dy =o!ld "e st'&di&g i& ' )or&er =ith her he'd do=&. -'tie +elt her '"se&)e '&d ,oved to='rd her. The 9'dy ,otio&ed( 8I '"ide o&ly i& Tr!th.: 8EDiste&)e ='s !&"e'r'"le =itho!t her. IFd +o!&d o&e =ho !&derstood. I $ept ret!r&i&g to Tr!th '&d the& I +elt her prese&)e 'g'i& '&d I ='l$ed i& th't 9ight. I )o&ti&!ed 's revel'tio&s '&d tried to spe'$ o+ it( "!t there 're &o =ords. ItFs li$e goi&g o!t i&to the ope& street '&d s'yi&g( FI s'= <odFs eyes tod'yI they 're ,y eyes. I s'= <odFs +')e tod'yI it is ,y +')e.F Those 're the F#ords +or it. A&d yet( I did&Ft see eyes '&d +')e. There 're &o =ords +or =h't I s'=: the 0e'!ty o+ this ;&e( th't ;&e( &o ;&e( Everyo&e. 8There =ere '&gels every=here. Yo! 're '&gels. Th'tFs ' ='y o+ spe'$i&g( ' sy,"ol +or per)eptio& th't 'ppe'rs. It is o&e ='y I )'& spe'$ the l'&g!'ge. #h't IFve )o,e to $&o= is th't I proGe)ted the 9'dy. 0odies 're proGe)tive 's lo&g 's o&e is li,ited to seei&g +or, 's eDperie&)e. #e give !s =h't =e &eed. #e s!pply o!r o=& ,edi)i&e '&d =e )'ll th't '&gels #h't h'ppe&ed to ,e '&d =h't )o&ti&!es to h'ppe& is th't I eDperie&)e the is th't I is. I ', 'l='ys 'v'il'"le 's th't. Co,,!&i)'tio& is the li,it'tio& th't 'l='ys +'lls short. Tod'y I do&Ft ='it +or '&gels. I am 'l='ys is the A&gel IFve "ee& '='iti&g( '&d so 're yo!. It is &ot o!t there. #h't h'ppe&ed =ith ,y 9'dy ='s th't I '!to,'ti)'lly proGe)ted her o!t there li$e ' ,ovie( &ot o& p!rpose( "!t 's ' res!lt o+ per)eived p'i&+!l li,it'tio& I ='s eDperie&)i&g i& this di,e&sio&. So,e people proGe)t Christ( others -rish&'. I proGe)ted this +'t 9'dy =ith ' "!& o& her he'd( =e'ri&g ' p'isley dress. 51 A CRY IN THE DESERT Th'tFs =ho I )o!ld tr!st. No= I tr!st 'll '&d All. 8I =o$e !p $&o=i&g th't <od is everythi&g. E')h perso& ,'$es th't de)isio&. #e do it ,o,e&t1"y1 ,o,e&t( tho!ght "y tho!ght. A)t!'lly( the de)isio& h's 'lre'dy "ee& ,'de( "!t =he& yo! 're &ot 't pe')e yo! h've ,oved +ro, it '&d de)ided FYes( <od is everythi&g( "!t &ot this.F Th't tho!ght is &ever goi&g to =or$. There is &o eD)eptio&. Not i& ,y eDperie&)e. #hy =o!ld I &ot I live this> A&ythi&g else is s!++eri&g.: The po=er 0yro& -'tieFs '='$e&i&g )o,,!&i)'ted itsel+. She s'= so,e people dissolvi&g i& te'rs =ith G!st her to!)h( "e+ore she s'id ' =ord. She &oti)ed this e++e)t right '='y( =hile she ='s still i& the h'l+='y ho!se( '&d it )o&ti&!ed '+ter she ret!r&ed ho,e. I& her prese&)e people +elt he'led o+ "oth physi)'l '&d psy)hologi)'l dise'se. 8I "eg'& to &oti)e th't people =o!ld )o,e to me +or he'li&g. The& they =o!ld re)re'te the dise'se 's ' res!lt o+ their !&he'led thi&$i&g '&d ret!r& to "e he'led '&other ti,e "y ,e. They =o!ld lose it 'g'i& '&d )o,e "')$ 'g'i&. I s'= the ho!se 's &ot "ei&g l'rge e&o!gh to hold 'll the people =ho ='&ted ,e to do their Go". There =ere &ot e&o!gh ho!rs i& the d'y( '&d people "e)',e e&r'ged =he& they =ere t!r&ed '='y.: %ro, ' reservoir o+ stories( 0yro& pi)$s o!t th't o+ the 9os A&geles )ity )op '&d his =i+e. The =o,'& )',e to 0yro& 't her ho,e. D'y '+ter d'y she )',e '&d s't i& the prese&)e o+ the o&e she s'= 's '& '='$e&ed he'ler. Eve& '+ter "ei&g +or"idde& "y her h!s"'&d( the =o,'& )',e. E&r'ged( s!re th't he =o!ld lose her( the 9os A&geles )ity )op +ollo=ed his =i+e o&e d'y. He "!rst i& o& the t=o =o,e&( ='vi&g his 'r,s yelli&g( orderi&g his =i+e to le've. He thre'te&ed 0yro& th't her ho!se =o!ld "!r& do=& i& the &ight( 't ' ti,e =he& she le'st eDpe)ted it( '&d th't her )hildre& de+i&itely =o!ld "e i& 54 it. 0yro& -'tie s,iled. She ='s per+e)tly )'l,. 8Ho= )'& yo! $ill ,e>: she 's$ed. 8Yo! )'& =re)$ ,y ho!seI it is&Ft ,y ho!se. T'$e ,y ho!seI itFs yo!rs.: The 9os A&geles )ity )op "!rst i&to te'rs. 0yro& too$ hi, i& her 'r,s. He h'd he'rd the Tr!th. His s!rre&der ='s the step th't he'led hi, o+ the r'ge '&d hopeless&ess iss!i&g +ro, his vie= o+ the =orld 's h'r,+!l '&d thre'te&i&g. Eve& tho!gh people 'ppro')hed her 's ' ,ir')le =or$er( 0yro& did&Ft see hersel+ th't ='y. 8He'ler( he'l thysel+. It "e)',e )le'r to ,e th't the he'li&gs =ere ' 0'&dAideM '&d )o!ld serve o&ly to pro,ote ,ysel+. #he& this "e)',e visi"le( I "eg'& to give people The #or$ '&d i&vited the, to he'l the,selves. Their he'li&g ='s&Ft ,y Go" '&d )o!ld&Ft "e held eve& i+ I ='&ted it to "e. Hold yo!r o=&. I& ,y prese&)e yo! he'l. I ', ' re+le)tio& o+ yo! ? !&)o&ditio&'l love re+le)ti&g itsel+ 's the Yo! Kth'tL yo! re)og&iHe. A='y +ro, ,y prese&)e yo! re)re'te dise'se 's ' res!lt o+ !&lovi&g "elie+s. 6&do those( o&e "y o&eI eDperie&)e he'lth( li+e( the Yo! o+ yo!. 8The #or$ 'ppe'rs to "e phe&o,e&'l +or those =ho ='&t it( +or see$ers o+ pe')e. I =or$ =ith people =ho 're )o&sidered "y so,e to "e the hopeless. 7y ho!se is ope&. ItFs &ot ,y ho!se. The hopeless 're 'v'il'"le to the to!)hI it is the o&ly thi&g le+t +or so,e. A&d "e)'!se thereFs &o +e'r i& ,e( "!t "e)'!se I 'lso $&o= =h't +e'r is( I )'& ,ove i&side. ThereFs &o=here( &o=( th't I ', &ot i&side. 8;&ly yo! )'& he'l yo!.: 0yro& tells !s. 8IF, ' "oost. IF, =h't it loo$s li$e o& the other side.: 5B A CRY IN THE DESERT THE ;N9Y THIN< THAT H;9DS eople )',e to 0yro& -'tie '&d they )o&ti&!e to )o,e. ;&e o+ the thi&gs she gives is =h't she )'lls The #or$. ItFs si,ple: ' series o+ the li,ited *!estio&s =e h've 'l='ys 's$ed +ro, the "egi&&i&g. These *!estio&s serve to !&)over the Tr!th '&d 'ssist !s i& 'ss!,i&g respo&si"ility +or o!r o=& li+e. She )!lled the *!estio&s +ro, her so!l( +ro, three e'rs o+ posi&g the, to hersel+ '&d '&s=eri&g the,. 8I =e&t to the desert(: she s'ys. 8I did The #or$.: It ='s the ='v she held her o=& '='$e&i&g. eople ,et her '&y=here: 't T=elve Step ,eeti&gs( ='iti&g i& li&e 't the "'&$( 't ' dis)!ssio& o+ A (ourse In )iracles*$ i& ' gro!p o+ viole&t( i&)orrigi"le ,e& '&d i&,'tes( i& the streets( !&der the st'rs i& the ='ters o+ desert hot spri&gs. They =ere ,e&( =o,e& '&d )hildre&. Their vo)'tio&s v'ried. They =ere ho,e,'$ers '&d rest'!r'&t o=&ers( 'rtists '&d l'&dlords( p!"lishers '&d teDtile =or$ers( &!&s( te')hers( psy)hother'pists( pro+essors( 'v't'rs( ,'ss'ge ther'pists( street people( people i& priso&s( )'&)er p'tie&ts( photogr'phers( +i&'&)iers( ')tors( =riters( ord'i&ed ,i&isters. Their spirit!'l "elie+s '&d pr')ti)es sp'&&ed the g',!t: C'tholi)( rotest'&t( 7or,o&( .e=ish( Hi&d!( 0!ddhist( A (ourse In )iracles*( <oddess spirit!'lity( Atheis,( Ne= Age spirit!'lity. She to!)hed the, 'll. She spo$e ' l'&g!'ge e')h )o!ld !&derst'&d. She t'!ght the, ho= to he'l the,selves. She se&t the, "')$ i&to their lives( their =or$( their )h!r)hes( their spirit!'l )o,,!&ities =ith deeper !&derst'&di&g '&d re&e=ed )o,,it,e&t to the Tr!th o+ 'll th't 'l='ys h'd "ee& there. 55 I 's$ed the, =hy they )',e to her i& the +irst pl')e. 7'&y h'd he'rd o+ her thro!gh +rie&ds. They )',e i& tr!st. So,e h'd +elt ' po=er+!l i&t!itio& '$i& to ' spirit!'l )'ll( ' s!,,o&s. So,e h'd si,ply re)og&iHed i& her so,ethi&g i&e++'"le th't they )o!ld&Ft resist. These people 'ppro')hed her 'ltho!gh she ='s ' str'&ger to the,. ;thers =e&t to =or$shops see$i&g help +or their lives '&d +o!&d ' =o,'& they des)ri"e 's ge&!i&e( ope&( &o&)o&trolli&g( =ise( "e'!ti+!l( h!,oro!s( e&lighte&ed( Goy+!l ? so,eo&e =ho lives =h't she te')hes. 8She is e)st'sy i& ' "odyJ 8 s'id 7'ry. 8-'tie is th't =hi)h =e 're 'll strivi&g to "e)o,e( =hi)h is per+e)t 9ove. She is( to ,e( the epito,e o+ 9ove. Her very prese&)e gives ,e ' +eeli&g o+ pe')e '&d 9ove )o,es thro!gh her eyes.: She )'& "e ' s!rprise. #he& 0yro& -'tie( =ho spe&t +orty1three ye'rs livi&g '&d =or$i&g i& Needles '&d 0'rsto=( ='l$s do=& the street( she )o!ld "e '&yo&e. She does&Ft i,pose her ='y o& others. She o&ly '&s=ers *!estio&s th't 're 's$ed. Yo! )o!ld "e her &eDt door &eigh"or '&d &ot $&o= =ho she re'lly is. 0yro& -'tie '&d '!l o+te& s'= Er&sti&' 't the "'&$. They =ere )!sto,ers o+ hers. 8The& I r'& i&to her 't ' +rie&dFs ho!se(: Er&sti&' =rites( 8'&d +o!&d th't she ='s &ot the s',e 0yro& th't I ,eet 't the "'&$. #e "eg'& 'tte&di&g st!dy gro!ps o+ A (ourse In )iracles*. It "e)',e 'pp're&t th't =hile 'll o+ !s =ere str!ggli&g =ith the )o&)epts o+ the )o!rse( 0yro& ='s ' te')her o+ Tr!th. It ='s o"vio!s th't she knew '&d lived Tr!th. She st!died =ith ,e 's ' )o!rtesy ? she 'lre'dy ='s the ,'teri'l '&d ='s livi&g it.: R'&dy ='s RossFs g!it'r te')her. 8I ='s i&trod!)ed to -'tieFs +',ily "y ' +rie&d(: he s'ys( 8to give 5A A CRY IN THE DESERT g!it'r lesso&s to -'tieFs so&( Ross. Ross '&d I *!i)$ly "e)',e good +rie&ds. His dedi)'tio& to the i&str!,e&t ='s r're( "!t so ='s the s!pport '&d i&volve,e&t o+ his ,o,. -'tie ='s 's eD)ited '&d e&th!si'sti) 's Ross. D!ri&g th't short period o+ ' )o!ple o+ ,o&ths I +elt very )lose to this +',ily. They =ere *!ite spe)i'l. -'tie 'l='ys h'd ' $i&d o+ ,'gi) '"o!t her th't lit !p the roo,. I h'd &ever ,et '&yo&e =ith s!)h ' )o&siste&tly positive 'ttit!de. It ='s i&)redi"ly )o&t'gio!s. -'tie 'l='ys "!ilt !p ,y sel+1estee, '&d g've ,e the +eeli&g th't I )o!ld s!))eed 't '&ythi&g. This gi+t she 'pp're&tly g've her h!s"'&d '&d )hildre&( +or it re+le)ted 'll 'ro!&d her. Ho= ,ysterio!s this t'le&t ='s.: Eve&t!'lly R'&dy de)ided to ,ove '='y +ro, 0'rsto=. 8-'tie "o!ght ,y "!s ti)$et '&d( 's !s!'l( overp'id id ,e +or lesso&s I h'd give&.: He est'"lished hi,sel+( ,'&'gi&g ' rest'!r'&t( i& %res&o( C'li+or&i'. No= '&d the& he pho&ed -'tie '&d &ever +'iled to se&d )'rds 't Christ,'s. The Christ,'s o+ 1995( he ret!r&ed to 0'rsto= +or ' visit. 8I h've di++i)!lty eDpl'i&i&g the )h'&ges th't too$ pl')e i&side ,y he'd '&d he'rt '+ter ,y visit =ith -'tie '&d Ross this p'st Christ,'s. I stopped "y +or ' short visit G!st to see ho= everyo&e ='s '&d to )he)$ o& RossFs )'reer 's ' prod!)er. I h'd "ee& depressed +or ' &!,"er o+ ,o&ths( ,'i&ly over o))!p'tio&'l !&)ert'i&ty. 8-'tie told ,e "rie+ly =h't she h'd "ee& !p to K#or$shops( et).L( '&d it led to ,y ope&i&g !p( sh'ri&g so,e "ottled !p +eeli&gs. The 'dvi)e she g've ,e( 'ltho!gh si,ple( ='s pro+o!&d. A&d I liste&ed. I liste&edJJ A&d I le'r&ed. 8ItFs 'l,ost seve& ,o&ths l'ter( &o=( '&d I still +eel the ='y I did =he& I le+t 0'rsto= th't d'y. I h've 56 e&d!red the split !p o+ ,y p're&ts '&d ,y d'dFs re,'rri'ge( the e,otio&'l roller )o'ster ,y ,o, h's "ee& ridi&g( the "re'$!p '&d di++i)!lt divor)e pro)eedi&gs "et=ee& ,y "rother '&d his =i+e o+ t=elve ye'rs( '&d ,y re)e&t Go" )h'&ge '+ter ,ore th'& thirtee& ye'rs. 8I +eel +i&e. ItFs li$e ,'gi).: The lesso&s R'&dy le'r&ed o& Christ,'s th't serve hi, so =ell 're +ive. They s!,,'riHe his !&derst'&di&g o+ 0yro& -'tieFs te')hi&g: 1. Do&Ft d=ell o& the p'st. The mistakes you hae made in life are wonderful. +ome day similar circumstances may allow you to use the wisdom you hae gained from wrong decisions There is "ain in the "ast ,hy continue to endure this "ain when life is ha""ening all around you- 4. Do&Ft d=ell o& the +!t!re. It "ays to hae a "lan. .ou might een be foolish not to hae insurance and a retirement "rogram. But to worry about things that may neer come to "ass creates needless "ain. There is "ain in the future. B. D=ell o& the prese&t. If you s"end each day doing what you know is right eerything will be okay. )oreoer the doors of o""ortunity will "resent themseles and you will be "re"ared to recognize and o"en them This is not to be confused with the friolous "roerb of /%ie for today$ tomorrow may neer come.' .ou hae a 0ob to do. +o get it done. Katie says one of the most beautiful sounds she knows is that of 'Katie does the dishes.' This is the "racticed art of recognizing the essence of liing by a""reciating the human senses. ,ork becomes music. 5C A CRY IN THE DESERT 5. There 're three types o+ "!si&ess. .our business. #ther "eo"le's business. 1od's business. The wisdom of knowing the differences allows you to realize the reasons behind why you get inoled with situations in daily life. 8-'tie told ,e FI+ Ross '&d '!l 're *!'rreli&g i& the s',e roo, I h'ppe& to "e i&( I le've the roo, K"!si&ess Q4L. They ,'y 's$ +or ,y help i& resolvi&g the sit!'tio&. I+ they do( I )'& s'y yes. The& I $&o= I ', helpi&g the,( &ot G!st ,'$i&g ,ysel+ +eel "etter.F 8This does &ot ,e'& yo! ,!st '"sol!tely '"st'i& +ro, i&volve,e&t i& thi&gs th't do&Ft dire)tly i&volve yo!. 0!t $&o=i&g =h't ,otiv'tes yo! to do the thi&gs yo! do helps yo! "etter !&derst'&d the di++ere&)es "et=ee& i&ter+ere&)e '&d =el)o,e re)o&)ili'tio&. A. #he& yo! 're =orried '"o!t =h't people thi&$ or eDpe)t( 's$ yo!rsel+ 8Is it re'lly tr!e>: #ftentimes it isn't. +ounds like more needless "ain$ down 't it- 8These 're the +e= si,ple pri&)iples she o++ered '&d I gr'te+!lly '))epted. 7y per)eptio& o+ li+e is ,!)h di++ere&t &o=. Altho!gh this =isdo, ,'y "e +o!&d i& doHe&s o+ p!"lished "oo$s o+ *!ot'tio&s '&d 're( +or the ,ost p'rt( "'si) "i"li)'l pri&)iples( it too$ -'tie to te')h the, to ,e. 8I !&derst'&d there 're ,'&y others li$e ,ysel+.: Yes. There 're tho!s'&ds. %rie&ds 're telli&g +rie&ds. Ther'pists re)o,,e&d their )lie&ts 'tte&d ' 52 =or$shop. 7'&y ther'pists do The #or$ 's ' p'rt o+ ther'py. Spirit!'l te')hers )o,e to le'r& +ro, her. So,e o+ the, "e)o,e )hildre& 'g'i& i& her 'r,s -'re& +elt ' deep i&t!itio&( ' )'ll( to "e =ith 0yro& -'tie. She hersel+ is ' te')her o+ =isdo,. A +or,er &!&( &o= ' )li&i)'l hyp&other'pist( Rei$i ,'ster( She& pr')titio&er( sh','&i) )o!&selor( ord'i&ed spirit!'l he'ler( she s'ys she is &o= o& the tr!e p'th o+ the he'rt. Her ti,e =ith 0yro& -'tie *!i)$e&ed her develop,e&t 8I )'& &o= ,ove thro!gh "lo)$s( "'rriers '&d ill!sio&s =ith r'pid speed. I ', so ,!)h ,ore 't e'se( 't ho,e =ith ,ysel+ '&d others I ', &o lo&ger '+r'id to die.: -'re& sig&ed !p +or ' =or$shop. Her eDperie&)e tr'&s+or,ed her. 8I h'd ' pro+o!&d i&iti'tio&(: she =rites( 8A spo&t'&eo!s i&iti'tio& =ith -'tie 't T')op' Spri&gs l'st De)e,"er. She '&d I =ere drivi&g to the hot spri&gs d!ri&g o!r seve&1d'y retre't( ' short dist'&)e o+ sever'l "lo)$s( =he& ' )'r o+ &e= 'rriv'ls +or the d'y p'ssed !s( '&d =e stopped ,o,e&t'rily so -'tie )o!ld t'l$ to the,. #hile I ='ited I "e)',e '='re o+ regressi&g to the 'ge o+ three '&d )o!ld +eel i&te&sely ,y s,'ll )hildFs +e'r o+ '"'&do&,e&t '&d deep desire to "e '))epted '&d loved "y the 7other ? to $&o= the 7other re'lly loved ,e. I ='s +eeli&g helpless '&d &eeded desper'tely 's ' s,'ll )hild to +eel the "o&di&g "et=ee& 7other '&d )hild ? ,y )hild. A+ter -'tieFs )o&vers'tio& =ith the people i& the other )'r( =e pro)eeded to the hot spri&gs( sho=ered '&d e&tered the =o,e&Fs pool &'$ed. No o&e else ='s i& the pool. So,e old =o,e& =ere sitti&g i& the s!& o!tside '&d !p '"ove the pool. 7y three1ye'r1old sel+ too$ over '&d i& ' s,'ll )hildFs voi)e I spo&t'&eo!sly 's$ed 7',' -'tie i+ she loved ,e. She i,,edi'tely respo&ded "y )o,i&g right to ,e. She loo$ed ,e dire)tly i& ,y eyes 59 A CRY IN THE DESERT '&d told ,e the tr!th: th't she loved ,e. I 's$ed her i+ she =o!ld ever go '='y( '&d she told ,e )le'rly she =o!ld &ever go '='y '&d =o!ld love ,e 'l='ys. 7y so""i&g sel+ ='s the& e,"r')ed "y 7',' -'tie( ,y "re'sts to!)hi&g her &'$ed "re'sts i& the hot pool o+ ='ter ? rivers o+ te'rs )le'&si&g ,y he'rt( ,y "ody( ,y so!l ? o!r "odies to!)hi&g so every )ell i& ,y "ody $&e= the ,o,e&t o+ love e&teri&g( the +!ll e,"r')e o+ love. All the ye'rs o+ lo&eli&ess( '"'&do&,e&t( '&d +e'r =ere "ei&g ='shed '='y i& the =o,e&Fs pool( i& the he'li&g ='ters( i& the e,"r')e o+ ;&e =ho $&o=s hersel+ '&d )'& love !&)o&ditio&'lly the =o!&ded sel+.: .oh&( ' te')her o+ A (ourse In )iracles* eDpl'i&s the po=er+!l e++e)t o+ '& e&)o!&ter =ith 0yro& -'tie this ='y. 8#he& she loo$s i&to yo!r eyes( she sees &ot the +'lse i,'ge yo! h've )re'ted thro!gh ,'&y lives o+ +e'r( p'i&( '&d g!ilt. 0yro& sees o&ly the Christ Kper+e)tio&L =ithi&( '&d she re+le)ts it "')$ +or yo! to see '&d( "y seei&g( e&ter the e')e o+ <od KSo!r)ePHigher Sel+L.: So,e )o,e 's s$epti)s. ;thers +eel the )h'tteri&g 'rg!,e&ts i& their ,i&ds gro= sile&t 's they 're rele'sed to ' deep ho&esty. S'&dy =rites: 8I 'tte&ded o&e o+ her =or$shops o!t 't the hot spri&gs '&d i& ,y &or,'l( G!dg,e&t'l st'te o+ "ei&g( I sort o+ $ept s)ore o+ 0yro& '&d the =ee$e&d. It =e&t $i&d o+ li$e this: A3 7IN6S ;INTSF She ='s ho!rs l'te. She did&Ft tell ,e there =ere three g'tes. I do&Ft li$e to t'$e "'ths. R'= veget'"le G!i)e t'stes y!)$y. She did&Ft tell ,e I ='s goi&g to "e the o&ly +'t perso& i& the gro!p. SheFs pretty. SheFs too h'ppy. 96S ;INTS She respe)ted ,y &ot ='&ti&g to h!g or "e to!)hed i,,edi'tely. She ='s $i&d( i&tellige&t '&d ho&est. She h's ' se&se o+ h!,or. She )o!ld see thro!gh ,y egoFs lies. She $&e= =h't it ='s li$e to "e over=eight. She spilled her g!ts 'lo&gside the rest o+ !s K&ever 's$i&g o+ !s ,ore th't she =o!ld give o+ hersel+L. She h's ' =o&der+!l so&. She $&o=s =h't sheFs doi&g( eve& i+ she )'&Ft eDpl'i& it. She helped ,e see ,y o=& ,i&d g',es. She '))epted ,e despite ,y +i&'&)i'l st'te. She h's lots o+ =o&der+!l +rie&ds( '&d their testi,o&y g've ,ore )rede&)e to her te')hi&gs. She let ,e 's$ ' lot o+ *!estio&s. She did&Ft l'!gh 't ,e &'$ed i& the "'ths. She did&Ft ,'$e +!& o+ ,y teddy "e'r. She helped ,e help ,ysel+. She !&derst'&ds. A1 A CRY IN THE DESERT As yo! )'& see( the pl!ses +'r o!t=eighed the other( '&d it ='s&Ft lo&g "e+ore I ='s !p to ,y &e)$ Fi& the Tr!th.F 0y le'di&g !s thro!gh the eDer)ises '&d s!"se*!e&t dis)!ssio&s( 0yro& helped ,e to see the ='ys I o+te& t=ist thi&gs i& ,y ,i&d to s!it ,y i,,edi'te sel+. Th't is( I rel'te ,ore &'t!r'lly to short1 ter, "e&e+its '&d te&d to pro)r'sti&'te o& the steps I )o!ld t'$e tod'y th't =o!ld help ,e ')hieve lo&g1ter, go'ls. I )',e to the =or$shop =ith ' deep se&se o+ hopeless&ess( +eeli&g '&gry '&d '+r'id '&d 'p'rt +ro, ,ysel+( '&d I did&Ft li$e it. I did&Ft li$e ,e. 0yro& sho=ed ,e ho= to p'rdo& ,ysel+ ? &ot to eD)!se "eh'vior "!t to see '&d !&derst'&d it so I )o!ld )o&s)io!sly de)ide i+ I ='&ted to )o&ti&!e it. I s!ppose this so!&ds r'ther v'g!e. I )'&Ft s'y IFve "ee& h'ppily livi&g o& r'= veget'"le G!i)e si&)e I =e&t to the =or$shop or th't IFve lost FRF ',o!&t o+ po!&ds "e)'!se o+ the =or$shop. I& ' =orldly se&se( the o&ly thi&g I )'& dire)tly 'ttri"!te to 0yro& '&d her =or$shop is the =or$"oo$ I =rote 's ' res!lt o+ ,y eDperie&)e. I !se the eDer)ises she t'!ght !s. I live ,ore )o&s)io!sly K'&d ,ore ho&estlyL &o=. It ,'y &ot sho= to others( "!t I )'& +eel it. I ', &ot so do=&he'rted '&d =e'ry. I &o= see the opport!&ities i& ,y reg!l'r Go" Kth't ='s ' re'l sore spot =he& I 'tte&ded her =or$shopL. I +eel ,ore 't pe')e =ith ,ysel+ '&d =ith the =orld( '&d I thi&$ th't it is "e)'!se o+ 0yro&Fs '"ility to pe&etr'te ' perso&Fs ,i&d '&d he'rt ' get to the so!r)e o+ the )o&+li)t =ithi&. 8Also( o& the pr')ti)'l side( I respe)t 0yro& +or helpi&g ,e 's =ell 's ,'&y others i& spite o+ o!r l')$ o+ +i&'&)i'l reso!r)es to )o,pe&s'te her. I h've "ee& to ,'&y( ,'&y sel+1help se,i&'rs '&d progr',s =here the tr!e e,ph'sis is ,o&et'ry pro+it +or the le'derKsL. This A4 is )le'rly &ot the )'se =here 0yro& is )o&)er&ed. I thi&$ she sho!ld "e p'id( '&d I do&Ft o"Ge)t to "ei&g )h'rged +or the =or$shops or s!pplies( "!t I ', p'rti)!l'rly gr'te+!l '&d i&de"ted to her th't she does&Ft de&y her gi+t o& the "'sis o+ ,o&ey1: Di++ere&t people eDperie&)e =h't 0yro& te')hes '))ordi&g to their p'rti)!l'r &eed. ;&e s'ys she te')hes ho= to live i& the prese&t ,o,e&t. A&other le'r&ed r'di)'l sel+1 respo&si"ility. 6&)o&ditio&'l 9ove( the o&e&ess o+ 0ei&g( +orgive&ess( i&&o)e&)e( &o&G!dg,e&t( the pri,')y o+ Tr!th( the dispelli&g o+ ill!sio&( respe)t +or 'll li+e '&d +or o!r "odies( .oy 's li+eFs esse&)e( he'lthy 'ttit!des to='rd +ood( the re'liH'tio& th't =e te')h =h't =e 're: E')h o+ these +o)!sed The #or$ +or ' p'rti)!l'r perso& '&d "e)',e the e&ergy o+ tr'&s+or,'tio& '&d he'li&g. They s'y The #or$ )h'&ged their lives. A&d it holds. ItFs pr')ti)'l. 0o""y &o lo&ger 'voids her +eeli&gs. S'&dy lives =ith gre'ter )o&s)io!s&ess( hope '&d ho&esty =ith hersel+. 7'rth' lets people o++ the hoo$I they &o lo&ger &eed to )h'&ge to ,'$e her h'ppy. 8IFve "ee& o& the p'th +or t=e&ty ye'rs(: she s'ys. I h'd )le'red ' lot( he'led ' lot( le'r&ed ' lot( !&le'r&ed ' lot "e+ore I ,et 0yro&. Still( ,y li+e )h'&ged pro+o!&dly +ro, "ei&g i& her he'li&g prese&)e '&d doi&g The #or$. SheFs ' r're( pre)io!s( '&d =o&der+!l +rie&d '&d te')her. She lives love( spe'$s tr!th( '&d sh'res everythi&g she is =ith those =ho )o,e to =or$ =ith her.: '!li&e respe)ts her "ody &o=( does&Ft e't the +oods th't ,'$e her si)$( '&d &o lo&ger &eeds ,edi)'tio& +or 'llergies. .oh& resolved p'i& Kth'tL he AB A CRY IN THE DESERT eDperie&)ed 's '&)ie&t( eDisti&g over ,'&y li+eti,es. Er&sti&' dis)overed th't her se'r)h is '& i&ter&'l o&e. 7'ry ,eets &e= people '&d sit!'tio&s =ith gre'ter e'se. <'y( =ho is ' spirit!'l te')her hersel+( re+le)ts o& her eDperie&)e =ith 0yro&( s'yi&g th't The #or$ is too &e= +or her to "e '='re o+ itFs e++e)t o& her li+e. 80!t "ei&g =ith 0yro& is '& eDperie&)e o+ ope&&ess '&d love( o+ the hope +or !&e&di&g gro=th '&d re)o&&e)tio& =ith So!r)e. 0yro& is '&d eDe,pli+ies her te')hi&g. It is so '!the&ti) th't there i& +ro&t o+ yo! is the proo+. Not too ,'&y te')hers h've th't po=er+!l ' tool i& the,selves. 80yro& s!,s !p =h't the gre't ,'sters h've s'id i& s!)h ' si,ple ='y. I love itJ A+ter str!ggli&g to ,e,oriHe( '&d '+ter doi&g so ,'&y pr')ti)es K,ostly Ti"et'&L( itFs ' gi+t to re'liHe th't the gre't !&doi&g is li+e itsel+ ? &ot ' li&e'ge o+ )o&)epts. 0yro&Fs +rie&dship '&d eD',ple do )o&ti&!'lly eDp'&d ,y li+e.: 0yro& -'tieFs story )o&ti&!es '&d eDp'&ds thro!gh e&)o!&ters( i& the lives o+ 'll o+ !s. Thro!gh e')h perso& she te')hes to do The #or$( =e 'll le'r& ,ore '"o!t o!rselves '&d '"o!t =ho she is 's ' ,irror o+ o!rselves. A5 REC;<NITI;N C'rol "ri,s =ith her story. She )'&Ft ='it to tell it. She )'lls ,e o& the pho&e +ro, ;hio. I got yo!r *!estio&&'ire(: she '&&o!&)es i& ' voi)e ti&ged =ith the So!th( "re'thy =ith eD)ite,e&t. I tried =riti&g. There ='s too ,!)h( so I t'ped it. The& it +illed !p =ith det'ils th't I did&Ft $&o= =hether or &ot to i&)l!de. 7y h!s"'&d s'id to p!t the, i& '&d yo!Fd edit the, o!t i+ yo! did&Ft &eed the,. 0!t tod'y I de)ided to )'ll yo!( '&d so here I ',.: C'rolFs voi)e rises '&d +'lls. She l'!ghs '&d =eeps. She &ever "e+ore ,et '&yo&e li$e 0yro& -'tieI this the,e r!&s thro!gh every det'il o+ her story. C'rol '&&o!&)es. SheFs ' )l'rio&. I& ' )ro=d o+ people she re)og&iHed ' =o,'& =ho ='s di++ere&t ' =o,'& =ho ='s li$e ' t!&i&g +or$ +or Tr!th( '& e,"odi,e&t o+ #isdo, 's '&)ie&t 's the =orld. Re)og&itio& )',e 't ' =or$shop i& Sedo&'( AriHo&'( i& the s!,,er o+ 199B. It ='s C'rolFs "irthd'y. She ='s +i+ty1t=o ye'rs old( =hi)h h'rdly see,ed possi"leI she +elt so yo!&g. Sever'l ,o&ths "e+ore( C'rolFs +rie&d( 7'ry( pho&ed to tell her o+ ' Sedo&' hi$i&g trip =ith ' sh','&i) te')her. C'rol ='s eD)ited. She h'd he'rd '"o!t Sedo&' '&d its e&ergy vorteDes( '&d she ='&ted to eDperie&)e the,. She se&t her registr'tio& '&d she '&d 7'ry "eg'& prep'ri&g +or the trip. The& 7'ryFs "')$ st'rted givi&g her ' lot o+ p'i&. She ='s&Ft s!re she )o!ld $eep !p =ith ' hi$i&g gro!p. C'rol ='&ted to go( "!t she 'lso ='&ted 7'ry =ith her. AA A CRY IN THE DESERT She ,ight h've give& !p the trip eD)ept +or ' pro+o!&d eDperie&)e. C'rol he'rd so,ethi&g li$e ' voi)e. It ='s 's tho!gh she =ere told: 8So,eo&e =ill "e there. So,eo&e =ise( =ho $&o=s the Tr!th o+ li+e. So,eo&e '&)ie&t.: It ='s ' +eeli&g th't too$ +or,. A $i&d o+ tho!ght "!t ,ore th'& tho!ght. It ='s so,ethi&g re)eived. It ='s 's tho!gh C'rol =ere 'lre'dy there( i& Sedo&'( "e+ore she ='s there( =hile she ='s still i& ;hio. She +elt hersel+ p'rt o+ ' gro!p( ' )ir)le o+ people. I& ' $i&d o+ visio&( C'rol s'= ' =o,'& ='l$ 'ro!&d the gro!p( '&d &o o&e "!t C'rol re)og&iHed her. I,,edi'tely C'rol )'lled 7'ry. 8<et =ell( 7'ry( =e h've to go to Sedo&'.: C'rol told 7'r$( her so&( =ho h'd developed '& i&terest i& spirit!'l thi&gs( '"o!t the trip. He ='s i& 9's /eg's '&d de)ided to Goi& her i& AriHo&' r'ther th'& ,'$e the trip ho,e to ;hio. The three ,et i& Sedo&'( got settled i& the hotel( '&d C'rol '&ti)ip'ted her desti&ed ,eeti&g =ith the =o,'& o+ her visio&( the =o,'& =ho ='s =ise. C'rol ='s&Ft ' perso& =ho spo$e o!t i& p!"li). She s!rprised hersel+ 't the i&trod!)tory sessio& =he& the hi$i&g gro!p g'thered o!tside "y the pool. Everyo&e else ='s there 'lre'dy =he& 7'ry( C'rol( '&d 7'r$ 'rrived. They settled i&to the re,'i&i&g pl')es. C'rol gl'&)ed 'ro!&d. A)ross the pool +ro, her s't ' =o,'& =hose +')e ='s r'di'&t. 8;h( ,y <od( loo$ 't th't +')eJ: she ,!r,!red to hersel+( 8I ='&t to $&o= =ho th't is.: She )o!ld&Ft see the =o,'&Fs eyes( "!t 's she st'red 't the =o,'&Fs +')e 'll she )o!ld thi&$ ='s 89ight.: I&trod!)tio&s "eg'&. #he& it )',e ti,e +or the =o,'& ')ross the pool to spe'$( she s'id( 87y &',e is -'tie Rolle. I =o$e !p o&e ,or&i&g '&d I did&Ft A6 re,e,"er =ho ,y h!s"'&d or ,y )hildre& =ere.: Si,ple. Short. 7'ry re,e,"ers thi&$i&g( 87y <od( th't poor =o,'&.: Her o=& i&trod!)tio& ='s eve& si,pler: 8IFve )o,e to le'r&(: she s'id. I&trod!)tio&s pro)eeded. It ='s C'rolFs t!r&. She "eg'&( too so+tly. 7'ry !rged her( 8C'rol( st'&d !p( I )'&Ft see yo!.: She stood. 8IF, C'rol(: she "eg'& '&d the&( &ot !&derst'&di&g =hy she did it( she told the story o+ ' spirit!'l eDperie&)e sheFd h'd te& ye'rs e'rlier. C'rol h'd "ee& ' perso& =ith everythi&g: ' =o&der+!l h!s"'&d( three )hildre&( ,o&ey( ' +i&e ho,e. She h'd &o re'so& to thi&$ 'll o+ this =o!ld )h'&ge. The& so,ethi&g h'ppe&ed. A tr'p door o+ the so!l spr'&g ope&. She +ell thro!gh i&to d'r$&ess. I& her d'ily li+e there =ere pro"le,s =ith the )hildre&. She h'd &o '&s=ers. She "'rely $&e= the *!estio&s. She dri+ted '='y +ro, hersel+ thro!gh ' gloo, th't +elt e&dless. Three ,o&ths p'ssed. She s'ys she ='s )'t'to&i). She ,oved( tho!gh( e&o!gh to get hersel+ i&to her )'r e')h d'y '&d do=& to ' )'+e =here she s,o$ed )ig'rettes( dr'&$ )o++ee( '&d re'd "oo$s. She )',e ho,e '+ter='rd( s'&$ i& +ro&t o+ the T/( '&d 'te G!&$ +ood. She stopped )le'&i&g ho!se. She stopped )oo$i&g. She did &othi&g. Her h!s"'&d 's$ed i+ he )o!ld help( i+ there ='s '&ythi&g th't he )o!ld do. There ='s&Ft. He e&d!red. He ='t)hed '&d hoped. ;&e d'y '+ter )o++ee '&d )ig'rettes( C'rol drove ho,e( &ot thi&$i&g( &ot p'yi&g 'tte&tio&( =he& ' )!rre&t li$e ele)tri)ity shot !p thro!gh the soles o+ her +eet i&to her "ody '&d o!t the top o+ her he'd. She stopped the )'r. Her gloo, v'&ished. The &othi&g&ess( the deep depressio& ='s tot'lly go&e. All the g!ilt ='s go&e( 'll AC A CRY IN THE DESERT the "l',e sheFd t'$e& o& hersel+ +or her )hildre&Fs pro"le,s( 'll the '&ger( 'll the +e'r( 'll o+ it ='s go&e. She +elt o&ly love '&d Goy '&d pe')e. She +elt ' prese&)e. She t!r&ed 'ro!&d to loo$ i& the "')$se't( thi&$i&g( 8S!rely IF, goi&g to see <od.: e')e e&veloped her. It +elt li$e ' pl')e. A "ei&g. ? :I& th't pl')e(: she s'ys( 8' perso& h's '))ess to the $&o=ledge '&d =isdo, o+ the ;&e 7i&d =here everythi&g is )o&&e)ted i& ;&e.: There ='s &othi&g else. She t!r&ed her +')e to the d'ylight stre',i&g g ' 'ro!&d her( d'&)i&g o& the le'ves o+ every tree th't li&ed the "o!lev'rd '&d =hispered( 8th'&$ yo!.: I& Sedo&' C'rol told this story '&d +i&ished "y s'yi&g( 8I $&o= =ho I ',I IF, G!st i& the pro)ess o+ re,e,"eri&g(: '&d she s't do=&. The others i& the )ir)le i&trod!)ed the,selves( '&d the sessio& ='s over. The g!ide i&str!)ted the, to ret!r& pool1side l'ter so th't he )o!ld 'ssess their physi)'l )'p'"ilities '&d give i&str!)tio&s +or the =ee$. eople rose to le've. C'rol( distr')ted "y the l'te '+ter&oo& sl'&t o+ light( re,'i&ed i& her )h'ir. I& ' ,o,e&t she "e)',e '='re o+ so,eo&e st'&di&g i& +ro&t o+ her1the =o,'&( -'tie( +ro, ')ross the pool. C'rol loo$ed !p '&d s'= the s',e love '&d Goy '&d pe')e r'di'ti&g +ro, -'tieFs +')e 's she h'd +elt +ro, the eDperie&)e i& the )'r te& ye'rs e'rlier. She ='&ted to $&o= this =o,'&. 8#he& yo! told yo!r story( I )ried(: -'tie s'id. 8Yo! did>: 8I did. H've yo! h'd '&y ,ore eDperie&)es li$e th't>: 8Yes(: C'rol 'd,itted( 8' +e=.: 8#ell( I =o!ld li$e to t'l$ to yo! '"o!t the, i+ I )o!ld.: Never "e+ore h'd '&yo&e sho=& this $i&d o+ A2 i&terest i& C'rolFs eDperie&)es. SheFd "ee& r'ther solit'ry( livi&g i& the )o!&try( &ot "elo&gi&g to '&y =o,e&Fs gro!ps( $eepi&g to hersel+. -'tieFs re*!est ='s ' sho)$. She +elt shy. Her +')e re+le)ted it. -'tie stepped "')$ '&d s,iled. It )',e to C'rolFs ,i&d th't -'tie ,ight &ot h've sh'red her eDperie&)es =ith '&yo&e "e+ore. 7'y"e "oth o+ the, +elt shy. 8;h( Yes(: she st',,ered( 8He've&s( yes. This is the +irst ti,e '&y"odyFs 's$ed( '&d it too$ ,e "y s!rprise.: 8The& =eFll ,eet 'g'i& d!ri&g the =ee$ '&d t'l$>: 8IFd love itJ: C'rol replied( &ot reve'li&g her pre,o&itio& '&d her s!spi)io& th't -'tie ='s the =ise =o,'& o+ her visio&. TheyFd "e t'$i&g so,e trips to good hi$i&g tr'ils. They )o!ld t'l$ the&. They h!gged e')h other '&d =e&t to their roo,s. C'rol "!rst i& o& 7'ry. 8Did yo! &oti)e th't =o,'&> The o&e =ith the r'di'&t eyes> The o&e =ho +orgot everythi&g> Did yo! see the li+e '&d the light '&d the love )o,e +ro, th't =o,'&Fs +')e> 7y good&essJ: %or t=o d'ys C'rol ='t)hed -'tie. -'tie &ever see,ed to tire. She )li,"ed ,o!&t'i&s '&d loo$ed 's +resh 't the top 's =he& she st'rted. She ='l$ed =ith e'se. She &ever stopped r'di'ti&g the ,ysterio!s light th't +irst 'ttr')ted C'rol to her. 8SheFs the o&e(: C'rol re'liHed. 8SheFs the o&e I he'rd '"o!t( the '&)ie&t o&e( the =ise o&e.: Si&)e her eDperie&)e i& the )'r te& ye'rs previo!sly( C'rol h'd se'r)hed +or ' ='y to hold the love '&d pe')e '&d Goy. The '='re&ess l'sted t=o =ee$s. SheFd "ee& e)st'ti). The& o&e d'y 's she ='s drivi&g( ' )'r s=erved i& +ro&t o+ her. She sl',,ed o& the "r'$es. Her he'rt r')ed. She t'sted +e'r li$e ,et'l o& the "')$ o+ her to&g!e. She lost her e)st'sy. 0!t she A9 A CRY IN THE DESERT &ever lost her $&o=ledge o+ =h't ='s possi"le. %or te& ye'rs she pr'yed( 8le'se( <od( sho= ,e =here I ',I sho= ,e i+ IF, o& the right p'th. 9et ,e see.: #he& 7'ry i&trod!)ed hersel+ "y telli&g the gro!p th't she h'd )o,e to le'r&( she ='s spe'$i&g o+ so,ethi&g esse&ti'l to her li+e. 7'ry is ' =o,'& i& her siDties =ho h's spe&t ,ost o+ her li+e se'r)hi&g i& "oo$s '&d )o&s!lti&g =ith te')hers to +i&d '))ess to the divi&e ,ysteries '&d ho= to live ' tr'&s)e&de&t li+e o& e'rth. SheFs ' =o,'& h!&gry +or Tr!th. I& Sedo&' she 'tte,pted e')h )li,"( despite the p'i& i& her "')$. eople 'ssisted her. 0!t "y the se)o&d &ight she ='s eDh'!sted. She de)ided to le've the roo, =here the gro!p ='s g'thered to =it&ess the sh','& le'der de,o&str'te sh','&i) rit!'ls. She tried to +i&d C'rol "!t )o!ld&Ft. I& the h'll='y( 7'ry loo$ed +or the elev'tor. She )o!ld&Ft re,e,"er =here it ='s. S!dde&ly( see,i&g +ro, &o=here( -'tie 'ppe'red. 8Hi( ho&ey(: -'tie s,iled. 7'ry told her she ='s so eDh'!sted she )o!ld&Ft eve& +i&d the elev'tor( '&d -'tie poi&ted it o!t to her. As 7'ry t!r&ed to go to her roo,( -'tie s'id( 8I 'd,ire yo!r i&tegrity.: 8There ='s so,ethi&g(: 7'ry s'ys &o=( 8E')h ti,e she loo$ed 't ,e. So,ethi&g '"o!t her eyes.: The &eDt d'y 7'ry did&Ft ='&t to )li,"( "!t the sh','& e&)o!r'ged her( s'yi&g th't it =o!ld&Ft "e di++i)!lt. It ='s. The gro!p g'thered to eD',i&e hieroglyphi)s o& the ='ll o+ ' l'rge )'ve i& the ,o!&t'i&side. 7'ry( eDh'!sted 'g'i&( +elt tri)$ed. 8This sh','& spe'$s =ith ' +or$ed to&g!e(: she de)l'red to the gro!p. The& she loo$ed over 't -'tie. She re,e,"ered the =ords( 8I 'd,ire yo!r i&tegrity.: S!dde&ly 7'ry tho!ght she re)og&iHed =ho -'tie ='s. 63 Th't eve&i&g( 'lo&e =ith C'rol i& their roo,( 7'ry s'id( 8C'rol( I thi&$ I $&o= =ho -'tie is.: .!st 't th't ,o,e&t there ='s ' $&o)$ 't the door '&d -'tie )',e i&. 0oth 7'ry '&d C'rol s!spe)ted they h'd e&)o!&tered i& this =o,'& ' "ei&g "eyo&d =h't they h'd ever $&o=&. %or C'rol( she ='s the '&)ie&t =ise o&e o+ her revel'tio&. -'tie p!lled ' )h'ir !p '&d positio&ed it "et=ee& the t=o =o,e& =ho =ere sitti&g( e')h o& her o=& "ed. 8I+ thereFs '&ythi&g yo! ='&t to 's$ ,e( ple'se do th't. IF, here to give yo! =h't I h've to o++er i+ yo! ='&t it.: 7'ry h'd le'r&ed +ro, her te')hers to *!estio& everythi&g( p'rti)!l'rly i& o&e =ho )l'i,ed '&y spirit!'l '!thority. 8Are yo! ' walk in>: 7'ry 's$ed. 8#ell( I do&Ft $&o=. Tell ,e =h't ' walk in is '&d IFll tell yo! i+ I thi&$ I ', o&e.: 7'ry eDpl'i&ed the "elie+ th't the spirit so,eti,es le'ves the "ody o+ ' perso& '&d '&other spirit( ' "ei&g o+ 9ight( e&ters to o))!py th't "ody( to per+or, so,e $i&d o+ =or$ o& e'rth. It =o!ld '))o!&t +or -'tieFs loss o+ ,e,ory( +or her se&se th't she h'd '='$e&ed( &e=( i& the ,iddle o+ her li+e. 8I ', 9ove '&d .oy.: -'tie "e',ed. 8I ', ' walk in( '&d I ', 'lso '& '&gelFF She loo$ed 't C'rol. NI ', 9ove '&d .oy(: she s'id( 8.!st li$e yo!.: C'rol +elt te'rs rise '&d the& so"s. So,ethi&g ='shed '='y( le'vi&g her )le'& '&d ope&. It ='s divi&e pe')e( ' +eeli&g C'rol re)og&iHed i,,edi'tely +ro, her eDperie&)e te& ye'rs e'rlier. 7'ry ='s )ryi&g too. 8re)io!s +rie&ds(: -'tie )roo&ed( 8Cryi&g is good.: She held their h'&ds i& hers. 61 A CRY IN THE DESERT 7ir')les o+ the spirit 're ge&tle 's r'i&. C'rolFs ,i&d +lo'ted li$e ,ist over ' deep pool. She )o!ld&Ft thi&$ o+ ' thi&g to 's$. All these ye'rs sheFd pr'yed( 8%'ther( ', I o& the right p'th>: No= her h'&d "elo&ged i& -'tieFs h'&d. 8There is&Ft '&ythi&g "!t 9ove(: she +i&'lly s'id( 8A&d the e,otio& o+ th't 9ove is .oy.: 8Yo!Fre '"sol!tely right. I ', 9ove '&d .oy( G!st li$e yo!. Yo! 're the s',e 's =h't I ',. #h't yo! see is yo!.: 7'ry loo$ed !p. 8C'& yo! hold !s( -'tie>: 8Co,e( sit o& ,y l'p.: 8;h &o(: 7'ry so!&ded st'rtled( 8I do&Ft ='&t to h!rt yo!. 8 8Yo! )'&Ft h!rt ,e. Yo! )'&&ot h!rt this "ody. ;&ly I h've th't po=er.: 7'ry t!r&ed to C'rol. 8Yo! go +irst.: She ='s siDty1three ye'rs old '&d spe'$i&g li$e ' )hild. C'rol got o++ the "ed '&d s't i& -'tieFs l'p. She le'&ed i&to -'tieFs 'r,s( p!t her he'd o& -'tieFs "re'st. A&d -'tie held her. She let hersel+ "e ' )hild '&d -'tie held her. -'tie ,othered her. Her "re'th +elt +e'thery 'g'i&st C'rolFs he'd( '&d C'rol he'rd ' ti)$i&g &oise( very +'st( =hi)h C'rol ide&ti+ied 's the +re*!e&)y o+ the 9i+e %or)e. So,e ye'rs "e+ore( C'rol h'd "ee& sitti&g i& her livi&g roo,( resti&g. #he& she loo$ed o!t the =i&do=( she +elt the 'ir vi"r'ti&g to ' +re*!e&)y ide&ti)'l to the so!&d e,'&'ti&g +ro, -'tie. C'rol rel'Ded i&to the so!&d. She +elt her pr'yer "ei&g '&s=ered. The& -'tie held 7'ry. 7'ry he'rd the s',e so!&d. #he&( l'ter( the t=o =o,e& 's$ed -'tie =h't the so!&d ='s( she told the, everythi&g ='s 9ove( the so!r)e o+ 'll. C'rol !&derstood the& th't 'ltho!gh di++ere&t people 64 !se di++ere&t =ords '&d i,'ges to t'l$ '"o!t th't o!t o+ =hi)h everythi&g )o,es ? th't origi&'l ;&e( th't 9i+e %or)e( th't So!r)e ? its e&ergy +re*!e&)y is the s',e. It is 9ove. %ro, th't ti,e o& -'tie Goi&ed C'rol '&d 7'ry( ridi&g i& the )'r =ith the, to the di++ere&t hi$i&g tr'ils. She "e)',e their te')her. -'tie( 7'ry( C'rol( '&d 7'r$ spe&t the re,'i&der o+ the =ee$ together. I& -'tieFs prese&)e( the others +o!&d pe')e. They 'll !&derstood th't -'tie ='s1their p!rpose +or h'vi&g go&e to Sedo&'. Their re)og&itio& o+ her ope&ed the, to her te')hi&g. 7'ry '&d C'rol "oth +eel they =ere desti&ed to re)eive +ro, 0yro& -'tie the Tr!th o+ their lives. ;&e d'y the gro!p hi$ed to ' pl')e o+ he'li&g ='ter( ' pl')e s')red to the '"origi&'l peoples. C'rol rolled !p her )otto& p'&ts '&d ='l$ed !pstre',( 'l,ost to the he'd='ters( to ' pl')e =here '& !&dergro!&d spri&g Goi&ed the river. The gro!&d ='s +l't. C'rol s't o& ' ro)$ =ith her +eet i& the i)y ='ters. She st'rted to ,edit'te. She lost tr')$ o+ ti,e. Her "ody ,elded =ith the "ody o+ e'rth( her spirit '&d the river "e)',e o&e. The AriHo&' s!& is rele&tless. #he& )o&s)io!s&ess o+ her s!rro!&di&gs ret!r&ed '&d she loo$ed do=& 't her legs( she s'= th't she ='s s!&"!r&ed +ro, the tops o+ her +eet to '"ove her $&ees. 0y th't &ight( =he& the hi$i&g gro!p ,et o& the gr'ss "y the pool( C'rolFs legs =ere s=olle& h!ge =ith p'i&. She 's$ed 7'r$( =ho is ' se)o&d degree Rei$i ,'ster( to Rei$i her legs. It g've her so,e relie+ "!t &ot +or lo&g. She eD)!sed hersel+ '&d =e&t to her roo,. 8I ', &ot this "ody(: she told hersel+. It ='s so,ethi&g -'tie h'd t'!ght the,. 8De'r( de'r "ody( yo! do &ot &eed to h've this p'i&(: she repe'ted over '&d over. She let this ,ess'ge r!& thro!gh her legs li$e 6B A CRY IN THE DESERT he'li&g ='ter( )ool( re+reshi&g. She let the =ords ='sh the p'i& '='y. C'rol dis)overed i& the d'ys to +ollo= th't -'tie &ever '&s=ers ' *!estio& th't h's &ot "ee& 's$ed. She does &ot i,pose. ;& '&other d'y( the gro!p visited '& I&di'& ,!se!, 't the site o+ '& '&)ie&t )'ve1d=elli&g people. The gro!p h'd s)'ttered thro!gho!t the ,!se!, vie=i&g 'rti+')ts =he& C'rol re'liHed she ='s &ot doi&g =h't she ='&ted to do. She ='&ted to "e =ith -'tie. 0!t the prospe)t o+ dist!r"i&g -'tie verged o& the i,possi"le. C'rol h'd gro=& !p i& the So!th. olite&ess( "ei&g proper( holdi&g "')$ her o=& i,p!lses '&d desires i& order to 'ss!re the )o,+ort o+ others =ere v'l!es deeply i&stilled. 8Do&Ft "other peopleJ Do&Ft ,'$e ' little pest o+ yo!rsel+J: Ho= o+te& h'd she he'rd those =ords> As she stood 'lo&e( g'Hi&g 't '& eDhi"it o+ prehistori) tools( she tho!ght( 8IF, "ei&g proper( so proper. ThereFs &othi&g I ='&t ,ore th'& to "e =ith -'tie '&d le'r& everythi&g she )'& te')h ,e. 0!t she &eeds to h've her sp')e. I do&Ft ='&t to "e ' pest.: Th't ='s it. She did&Ft ='&t to "e ' pest. S!dde&ly s!)h tho!ghts see,ed silly. C'rol le+t the eDhi"it '&d +o!&d -'tie st'&di&g i& '&other roo, "y ' p'i&ti&g. She =e&t !p to her '&d "!rst i&to te'rs. 8-'tie( IF, tryi&g to "e so proper '&d &ot "other yo!( "!t th'tFs &ot =h't I ='&t. I ='&t yo! to te')h ,e everythi&g yo! $&o=. I ='&t to $&o= =h't yo! $&o=.: -'tie too$ C'rol i&to her 'r,s. 8;h( ho&ey( it too$ gre't )o!r'ge +or yo! to )o,e to ,e '&d s'y th't.: C'rol )o&ti&!ed to =eep. The t=o =o,e& =e&t o!tside '&d s't o& ' l'rge ro)$. -'tie "eg'& to t'l$ i&ti,'tely( i&te&sely. C'rolFs g'He +elt lo)$ed i&to 65 -'tieFs. She he'rd -'tieFs voi)e( "!t she did&Ft he'r her =ords. It ,'y h've "ee& the voi)e o+ )re'tio&( the voi)e o+ "ei&g. It h'd the ti,"re o+ =i&d i& the )rev'sse( the ge&tle&ess o+ the ,o!&t'i& stre',. It +elt to her li$e the i&+i&ity o+ ' Sedo&' &ight( the ,ir')le o+ st'rs. It r'& thro!gh her li$e "loodI it ='s the "e'ti&g o+ her o=& he'rt. It ='s the v'st '&d ope& sp')es o+ Divi&e 7i&d. -'tie +i&ished. C'rolFs se&se o+ the t=o o+ the, sitti&g o& the ro)$ ret!r&ed '&d she re'liHed she h'd&Ft he'rd ' =ord th't -'tie h'd s'id. The l'st =ords she re)'lled =ere( 8I& 'll these seve& ye'rs si&)e I =o$e !p( I &ever told '&yo&e this "e+ore. . .: '&d the& the =ords =ere lost !&til she he'rd -'tie s'y( 8A&d yo!r &',e is H!,"le.: A&d those =ords =ere the l'st( the o&es th't "ro!ght C'rol "')$ i&to her sep'r'te i&divid!'lity. 8;h &o(: C'rol s'id to hersel+. 8#h't did yo! do th't +or> Yo! did&Ft he'r =h't she s'id( '&d she ='s te')hi&g yo! so,ethi&g.: Si&)e th't ti,e she 's$ed -'tie sever'l ti,es to tell her 'g'i&( p!t it i&to =ords( "!t -'tie s,iles '&d s'ys th't C'rol is too i&te&t !po& the =ords. #h't she h's is e&o!gh. -'tie s'ys( 8He'r ,e li$e ' so&g. It )'&&ot "e he'rd =ith the ,i&d '&y='y.: ;& the d'y the gro!p ='s s)hed!led to go to '& o"serv'tory( it ='s )losed. So,e )hose to hi$e '&other tr'il. 7'ry ='s tired '&d she '&d C'rol ret!r&ed to the hotel +or ' rest. #he& they told -'tie o+ their pl'& she s'id( 8IFll )o,e 'lo&g '&d =eFll do so,e =or$.: ;& th't d'y 7'ry '&d C'rol =ere i&trod!)ed to The #or$. C'rol still h's the s)r'p o+ p'per -'tie "ro!ght to her hotel roo,. ;& it 're =ritte& si,ple phr'ses: I sho!ld@ I ',@ I &eed@I ='&t@ I =o&Ft ever... 6A A CRY IN THE DESERT She '&d 7'ry =or$ed =ith -'tie to =rite do=& 'll their tho!ghts( their ti&y tho!ghts( sel+1'"sor"ed tho!ghts( tho!ghts th't did&Et =or$( )rippli&g tho!ghts( tho!ghts th't =ere ill!sio&( tho!ghts to =hi)h theyFd )l!&g +or ye'rs. They =rote the, do=&( '&d -'tie sho=ed the, ho= they )o!ld let the +'lse "elie+s go '&d +i&d their i&&o)e&)e 'g'i&. #he& -'tie le+t the roo, she s'id( 8Yo! t=o h've +!&( &o=( =ith the IFs '&d ,eFs.: They l'!ghed. The #or$ re'lly ='s 's +!& 's it ='s pro+o!&d. The &eDt d'y -'tie )',e "')$ i&to the roo, '&d the t=o others res!,ed their *!estio&i&g o+ her. I& ' sp')e o+ ti,e +ollo=i&g -'tieFs respo&ses( C'rol +elt ' deep *!iet gro= i&side her. She loo$ed 't -'tie sitti&g there '&d s'id to her: 8#h't )'& I do +or yo!>: The '&s=er )',e dire)tly i&to her ,i&d. She he'rd the =ords =ithi& hersel+. 8Te')h ,e to "e ' h!,'&.: C'rol did&Ft s'y ' =ord. She loo$ed 't -'tie =ho s,iled '&d s'id( 8ItFs do&e.: C'rol did The #or$ +or ,ore th'& ' ye'r. She tr'veled to C'li+or&i' '&d spe&t ti,e "ei&g i&divid!'lly t'!ght "y -'tie. At T')op' o&e &ight( -'tie s'id to C'rol( 8Yo! h've&Ft le'r&ed yet ho= to "e ' h!,'& "ei&g.: At +irst it too$ C'rol "')$. 8I ', ' h!,'& "ei&g(: she tho!ght. The& she !&derstood. 8-'tie(: she 's$ed( 8does th't ,e'& th't everythi&g th't I h've do&e i& 'll ,y li+e( +ro, the ti,e o+ ,y "irth !&til &o=( does&Ft ,e'& '&ythi&g>: 8ItFs tr!e( C'rol.: C'rol ='s re'dy +or this re'liH'tio&. 8Th'tFs ' "ig eye1ope&er(: she s'ys( 8=he& yo! he'r th't yo!Fve lived yo!r e&tire li+e +'lsely( =ith +'lsehood( &othi&g "!t 66 +'lsehoods. Re'lly. A&d I tried to do it so =ellJ #o=J Th't ='s ' =o&der+!l thi&g +or ,e to he'r. It ope&ed ' door. I+ I ='s goi&g to "e ' h!,'& "ei&g( I ='s goi&g to "e ' tr!e h!,'& "ei&g. A&d th'tFs =h't The #or$ does. 6p to th't ti,e I did&Ft $&o= i+ I ='s o& the right p'th. I $ept tryi&g to do the "est I )o!ld ? I tried to "e &i)e '&d $i&d '&d lovi&g( "!t I &ever $&e= i+ I ='s doi&g it. The& 't 'ge +i+ty1t=o I "eg'& to live ho&estly =ith the help o+ -'tie '&d The #or$.: C'rol s'ys &o=: 8It ='s =o&der+!l. It h's )o&ti&!ed to "e so. I h've le'r&ed +ro, -'tie th't ' perso& does&Ft &eed to "e v'lid'ted "y others. At the ti,e I ,et her( I ='s loo$i&g +or veri+i)'tio&( ' g'!ge to ,e's!re =ith( to see =here I ='s. 7y !lti,'te )hoi)e i& this li+e is to "e)o,e ' livi&g Christ '&d to do <odFs =or$. Th't h's "ee& tr!e si&)e ,y eDperie&)e te& ye'rs 'go. -'tie ='s ' gi+t. She )',e. She sho=ed ,e =ho I ='s( =here I ='s( '&d I h've )o,e to $&o= ,ysel+ si&)e IFve $&o=& her. 8-'tieFs =or$ h's t'!ght ,e the Tr!th o+ ,ysel+( eli,i&'ted ill!sio&s I tho!ght IFd )le'red '='y "!t h'd&Et. It h's "ro!ght ,e s!)h gre't pe')e '&d love. I love everyo&e( &o=( &o ,'tter =h't. ItEs ' love =itho!t G!dg,e&t. The #or$ h's give& ,e th't. I !sed to p'ss i& '&d o!t o+ th't $i&d o+ love. No= I )'& st'y there. 8The #or$ sho=ed ,e ho= to get re'l =ith ,ysel+. ItFs t'!ght ,e tot'l respo&si"ility +or ,ysel+. Everythi&g st'rts '&d e&ds '&d h's to do =ith ,e '&d &o o&e else( '&d th't ='s ' h!ge lesso&. #he& it )o,es to ,y li+e '&d eDperie&)e( I ', the o&e =ith +!ll respo&si"ility( Th't lets everyo&e else o++ the hoo$. It lets ,e o++ the 6C A CRY IN THE DESERT hoo$ too "e)'!se I do&Ft h've to "e respo&si"le +or '&yo&e else( =hi)h ='s so,ethi&g I 'l='ys !sed to try to "e. 8-'tieFs ='y t'$es yo! =ithi& to yo!r o=& Tr!th '&d te')hes yo! to ho&or th't. She t'!ght ,e th't =he& yo! live i& yo!r o=& Tr!th( yo! live i& pe')e. ItFs si,ple "!t itFs Re'lity. -'tie is &ot here to s've the =orld. SheFs si,ply sh'ri&g( =ith '&yo&e =ho ='&ts to $&o=( the ,ethod she !ses to ='$e !p. SheFs re'l. ThereFs &othi&g pho&y or +'$e '"o!t her. She does&Ft p!t o& 'irs. SheFs si,ply '& ope&( ho&est( lovi&g( )'ri&g h!,'& "ei&g. A&d she is th't per+e)tly. She is so,eo&e =ho )'& "e)o,e yo!r ide'l. Not idol( ide'l. Yo! )'& loo$ 't -'tie '&d s'y( yes( there is so,ethi&g to strive +or. 8It )',e to ,e the other &ight th't ,y li+e is ' sy,"ol o+ ,y thi&$i&g. So i+ I do&Ft li$e =h'tFs goi&g o&( I &eed to )h'&ge ,y thi&$i&g( ,e. I do&Ft &eed to )h'&ge '&yo&e else. .!st ,y thi&$i&g. A&d th'tFs =h't -'tie te')hes.: 62 THE ;NE There is o&ly one story( 0yro& -'tie tells ,e =he& I )'ll to 's$ 'dvi)e '"o!t this "oo$. It does&Ft ,'tter =ho tells it. It is C'rolFs storyI it is ,y storyI it is the story o+ the o&e )'lled 0yro& -'tieI they 're 'll the s',e. #he& I h've the, 'll =ritte& do=& I =ill see th't( she tells ,e. #e 're the story o+ ;&e. A&d e')h story is pre)io!s( !&i*!e( )lothed i& the i,'ges o+ '& i&divid!'l li+e. The o&e story is +iltered thro!gh ' perso&'l history( "!t the story does&Et )h'&ge. It is the story o+ .es!s( the story o+ the 0!ddh'( the story o+ 0yro& -'tie( ,y story( yo!rs. 89et ' yo!r +i&gers tell it. 8 0yro& s,iles. ItFs +!&&y( I $&o= sheFs s,ili&g eve& tho!gh sheFs o& the pho&e i& 0'rsto=( '&d IF, o& the other e&d o+ the li&e i& 7'rti&eH. 8Do&Ft think it. ItFs "etter =he& yo! do&Ft thi&$ it.: SheFs re+erri&g to so,ethi&g I told her th't ,y ,other !sed to s'y: The =ords 're i& ,y +i&gers. ItFs the ='y to Tr!th( 'ro!&d the ego1,i&d( 'ro!&d the tho!ghts th't )o&+!se( th't get 'rrog'&t '&d )e&sorio!s. <ive the, ' &od( s'y( 8Th'&$ yo! +or sh'ri&g(: '&d p'ss "y. The =ords 're i& ,y +i&gers. The story is told "y the so!l. 87y story( yo!r story: ? this is ' ='y o+ spe'$i&g( '& e,ph'sis o& di++ere&)es. 7'y"e it is ' ='y I $eep ,ysel+ sep'r'ted( s'+e +ro, those I disli$e or +e'r. 7'y"e there 're =ords i& ,y +i&gers I h've&Ft yet let o!t "e)'!se I hold too )'re+!lly to ,y s,'llest sel+. 8#ho 're yo!>: I $eep 's$i&g her. 69 A CRY IN THE DESERT She respo&ds th't I $&o= =ho she is. 8I ', yo!(: she s'ys. 8#he& yo! loo$ 't ,e yo! see yo!rsel+. The o&ly re'so& yo! do&Ft re)og&iHe ,e is th't yo! do&Ft $&o= =ho yo! 're. There is o&ly ;&e. -&o= yo!rsel+ '&d $&o= this.: I ', ,ore th'& ,y s,'ll sel+. There is &othi&g I ', &ot. There is &o sep'r'tio&. #he& I loo$ o!t( seei&g =h't I "elieve is i& +ro&t o+ ,e( I ', loo$i&g i&to ' ,irror. I see ,ysel+( ' ,'&i+est'tio& o+ ,ysel+. It is the ,o!&t'i&I it is the +!ll ,oo&I it is ' )o&s!,i&g +ireI it is ' stor, th't te'rs do=& trees '&d rips ho!ses !p +ro, the gro!&dI it is the +')e o+ ,y h!s"'&dI it is the perso& =e'ri&g r'gs '&d "eggi&g +or +oodI it is he =ho st'rvesI it is the soldierI it is the tort!rer '&d the perso& =ho is tort!redI it is the )hild le+t 'lo&e. It is 'll ' ,irror. There is &othi&g I ', &ot. The ;&e is 9ove. It is =e =ho per)eive the rest. This is =h't 0yro& tells ,e. 0yro& '&d I sit t'l$i&g o& ' ='r, s!,,er ,or&i&g. ;!tside i& the y'rd "ees dip i&to the +lo=ersF thro'ts '&d "irds si&g. 8St'y i& the pl')e =here yo! 're &ot )re'ti&g '& ill!sio&(FF she tells ,e. 8St'y i& the I A,. I& the I A, everythi&g is 'lre'dy )re'ted. I& ,y ='$i&g '&d livi&g li+e I )'& see )re'tio&( yo!( sitti&g i& +ro&t o+ ,e here '&d I see yo!r &e)$l')e '&d I see yo!r "elt '&d I $&o= =h't th't is. ItFs Re'l. ItFs 9ove. ItFs 7e. IF, i& the prese&)e o+ 7ysel+ ? 9ove. ItFs Everythi&g. ThereFs &o tho!ght o+ &e)$l')e( &ot eve& o+ "e'!ti+!l Christi&( &o )o&)eptsI IF, G!st )o,+ort'"le 's 0ei&g. Th'tFs the "lissI G!st seei&g =h't is '&d $&o=i&g IE, sitti&g i& the prese&)e o+ Sel+. #he& IF, sitti&g still( =ith ,y eyes )losed( there is &ot eve& ' )o&)ept 'ro!&d th't. ;&)e =e C3 to!)h the I A,( it is o&ly the "elie+ or )o&)ept o+ =h't is &ot th't t'$es !s '='y. #e "e)o,e '='re th't tho!ghts ,ove !s '='y( '&d so =e stop )re'ti&g "elie+s 'ro!&d the tho!ghts. Every tho!ght 'tt')hed to t'$es !s '='y +ro, Re'lity( +ro, the #h't is. 8I te')h the Tr!th th't I ',. A =o,'& i& ,y l'st =or$shop 's$ed( 8#hy do te')hers &ot h'&g o!t =ith the ,'sses '&d pl'y '&d so)i'liHe>F She des)ri"ed her gr'tit!de th't I do. I h'd ,y +oot o& the )o++ee t'"le( '&d I s'id( FI )'& see =h't yo! )'ll ' coffee table '&d I )'& p!t ,y +oot o& it. 0!t I h've the '='re&ess th't it is the Is. So,eo&e &',ed it table( '&d the &',e is ' per)eptio& th't is p'ssed o&. 0!t +or, is&Ft eve& +or, !&til =e &',e it. I live =ith yo!( h'&g o!t =ith yo!( so)i'liHe =ith yo!( )o,,!&i)'te =ith yo!( these ')tio&s )o!ld "e see& 's ris$y "e)'!se( "y the,( I )'& le'd yo! to "elieve( si,ply thro!gh h!,'& )o,,!&i)'tio&( th't it is ')t!'lly ' t'"le. #he& I so)i'liHe =ith yo!( I e&d !p te')hi&g yo! so,ethi&g th't is &ot. Co,,!&i)'tio&( "y its very &'t!re( sep'r'tes. 8There 're &o &e= ide's. #he& I sit =ith people '&d do The #or$ it 'llo=s everyo&e to see th't there is &o sep'r'tio&. #e 'll )o,e to $&o= th't there is &ot o&e origi&'l tho!ght( &o ,'tter ho= dr'sti) '&d di++ere&t it ,'y so!&d. No o&e h's devised ' &e= )o&)ept or tho!ght +ro, the "egi&&i&g o+ tho!ght( =hi)h is =h't h!,'&s )'ll ti,e. ItFs 'll the s',e. The #or$ is o&e ='y th't =e )'& see th't o!r thi&$i&g does&Ft go '&y=here or do '&ythi&g. ItFs G!st plotti&g K,'&e!veri&gL. #e p!t di++ere&t sy,"ols o& it( '&d th't +r'g,e&t'tio& ,'$es !s "elieve o!r tho!ghts or sit!'tio&s 're di++ere&t +ro, those o+ others. 8The poi&t here is th't '&y tho!ght o!t o+ Tr!th is o!t o+ 'lig&,e&t '&d t'$es !s o++ the p'th. The o&ly p!rpose o+ th't tho!ght is to ,ove !s +ro, the I A,. C1 A CRY IN THE DESERT Tr!th is the I A,. The +lo=er is ,y "ody. The so&g o+ the "ird is ,y "ody. I ', 'll1i&)l!sive. I& the still&ess( Ki+ I ',L o!t o+ "elie+sPtho!ght( I )'& $&o=. E&tirety o+ the =hole is visi"le. It e&)o,p'sses everythi&g( 'll the !&iverse( 'll the !&iverses( '&d eve& th't is li,iti&g. #he& =e )'& $&o= the I A,( 'll the !&iverses "e)o,e the ;&e( '&d there 're &o ,ore *!estio&s. Eter&ity. To "e still is si,ply to "e o!t o+ )o&)epts.: So &othi&g =e )'& )o&)eive is the Re'lity o+ the I A,. I& +')t every )o&)ept o+ =hi)h =e 're )'p'"le is so +'r +ro, th't Re'lity 's to "e &othi&g. Eve& <od. All o!r )o&)epts o+ <od 're so +'r +ro, th't Re'lity th't they 're &othi&g. I t!r& to 0yro&. 8ItFs li$e E)$h'rt s'yi&g( FI pr'y <od to deliver ,e +ro, <od.E: 8Yes(: she '&s=ers. 80!t =e &eed to &',e th't( too( li$e table( so =e &',e it 1odI =e &',e it Buddha! =e &',e it Krishna.2 3A&d =e do&Ft re'lly $&o= =h't it is( do =e> A&d the ,o,e&t =e try to &',e it( =e set it 'p'rt '&d there 're t=o( '&d this is sep'r'tio&.: 8Yes(: K-'tie s'ysL. #e h've to &',e it so,ethi&g( so =e &',e it 9ove. #e &',e it "e)'!se &',i&g is ho= =e thi&$ =e $eep )o&trol. #e 're "odies o+ ,i&d i& this di,e&sio&. 0!t the &',e =e give to =h't 'ppe'rs 's +or, is the ='y =e +eel G!sti+ied i& ,ovi&g '='y +ro, It Is.: 8So 'll o+ "ei&g 'ppe'rs to !s 's ' ,ove,e&t i& the ;&e( the I A,( '&d it is ,ysel+( '&d I ,ove =ith it. It is&Ft eve& li$e sti,!l!s1respo&se "e)'!se th't =o!ld "e to s'y two.: 8Yes. Yes( Christi&( o&ly =e do&Ft ,ove with it( =e ,ove as it. C4 T;6CHED A99 THE #AY THR;6<H .oh& '&d I 're G!st sitti&g do=& to di&&er =he& the pho&e ri&gs. 8Hello> Is this Christi&>: The =o,'&Fs voi)e so!&ds )'re+!l. I respo&d th't I ', Christi&. 87y &',eFs Sh'ro&. -'tie1!,( 0yro& s!ggested I )'ll.: These )o&vers'tio&s =ith people =ho $&o= 0yro& -'tie )'& t'$e '& ho!r( so,eti,es lo&ger. I sho!ld let the '&s=eri&g ,')hi&e h'&dle )'lls =hile I ', e'ti&gI th'tFs =h't I "o!ght it +or. I +eel p!lled "et=ee& .oh& '&d the =o,'& o& the pho&e. I tell her I ', G!st sitti&g do=& to di&&er( th't I ', e'ger to t'l$ =ith her '&d ='&t to give her ,y +!ll 'tte&tio&. Th't =ill "e e'sier i& '"o!t '& ho!r. I 's$ i+ I ,'y )'ll her "')$. 8A& ho!r>: I he'r !&)ert'i&ty i& her voi)e. 8Is th't ' "'d ti,e +or yo!> #e )o!ld 'rr'&ge '&other ti,e i+ yo! ='&t.: 8No( '& ho!rFs o$'y. IFll )'ll yo!.: There is ' )li)$ '&d she is go&e. So,ethi&g +eels =ro&g. IF, &ot s!re IFll he'r +ro, her 'g'i&. 0!t i& o&e ho!r pre)isely to the ,i&!te the pho&e ri&gs '&d it is Sh'ro&. I 'pologiHe +or the del'y '&d th'&$ her +or )'lli&g "')$. The& I 's$( 's I 'l='ys do +or the telepho&e i&tervie=s( i+ I )'& t'pe o!r )o&vers'tio&. I eDpl'i& th't I )'& liste& ,!)h "etter i+ I do&Ft h've to t'$e &otes '&d i+ I &eed to *!ote her dire)tly the t'pe =ill provide ,e =ith her eD')t =ords. She is sile&t +or '& !&)o,+ort'"ly lo&g ,o,e&t. The& she l'!ghs &ervo!sly '&d s'ys th't 's lo&g 's sheEs CB A CRY IN THE DESERT de)ided to do this 't 'll( she ,'y 's =ell go 'lo&g =ith =h't is "est +or ,e. I press the re)ord "!tto& o& the ,')hi&e '&d =o&der ho= this )o&vers'tio& =ill pro)eed. Eve& tho!gh Sh'ro& )'lled ,e to tell her story( I $eep +eeli&g her retre't. 89etFs get so,e "')$gro!&d o& yo!( o$'y Sh'ro&> C'& yo! give ,e yo!r +!ll &',e( 'ddress '&d pho&e &!,"er>: 8#ell( ,y &',e is Sh'ro&( "!t I do&Ft ='&t to give yo! ,y +!ll &',e. A&d I live i& 0'rsto=I it does&Ft ,'tter =here. IF, G!st so,eo&e =ho, -'tie h's I helped ' gre't de'l( '&d I o=e ,y li+e to her. She "ro!ght ,e "')$ to <od '&d ?I do&Ft $&o=.: Her voi)e +'des o++. I 's$ ho= lo&g sheFs $&o=& -'tie. She tells ,e +o!r ye'rs. #e t'l$ '"o!t "oth =o,e& h'vi&g lived i& 0'rsto= ,ost o+ their lives. Sh'ro& s'ys sheFs lived there her e&tire li+e. Despite this( they o&ly ,et +o!r ye'rs e'rlier. 8I g!ess 0'rsto= is pro"'"ly "ig e&o!gh th't people )o!ld do th't.: IF, thi&$i&g =h't ' po=erho!se 0yro& is '&d =o&deri&g ho= she )o!ld live i& ' s,'ll to=& =itho!t ,ost everyo&e 't le'st $&o=i&g =ho she is. 8IF, '& isol'tor(: Sh'ro& voi)e see,s to =ithdr'=( 8So th't ,'y "e the re'so& =e did&Ft ,eet.: A& isol'tor> IFve &ever he'rd '&yo&e ide&ti+y the,selves th't ='y "e+ore. I 's$ '"o!t the )ir)!,st'&)es th't "ro!ght her together =ith the o&e she )'lls -'tie. 8#ell( I ='s "'si)'lly dyi&g '&d I ='&ted to die. %or '"o!t t=e&ty ye'rs I ='s i& '&d o!t o+ ,e&t'l i&stit!tio&s. IFd h'd ' stro&g religio!s "')$gro!&d( "!t I C5 )o!ld&Ft see, to p!ll o!t o+ the depressio&( o!t o+ everythi&g I ='s i&. I do&Ft $&o=. I thi&$ <od "ro!ght -'tie '&d ,e together. I G!st did&Ft ='&t to live. I ='s se&t to ' pl')e I do&Ft ='&t to &',e '&d I ,et -'tie there. I re,e,"er her pl')i&g her h'&d o& ,y sho!lder( '&d I ='s very '&gry. 0!t =he& I +elt her h'&d it ='s li$e <od s'id( FSheFs the o&e yo! )'& tr!st.F I did&Ft tr!st '&yo&e ? &ot 't 'll ? '&d I still h've ' h'rd ti,e.: <ood he've&sJ Here is ' =o,'& =ho +o!ght +or t=e&ty ye'rs to )li," o!t o+ isol'ted depressio&( o!t o+ ' )o,plete l')$ o+ tr!st i& people( '&d I h'd G!st 's$ed her to )'ll ,e "')$ so I )o!ld e't ,y di&&er. 8This is very "r've o+ yo!( the&( to )'ll ,e( is&Ft it>: 8Yes.: 8Yes. /ery )o!r'geo!s.: I re,e,"er 0yro& o&)e telli&g ,e th't she is here +or the si)$est o+ the si)$( the very poor( those deepest i& tro!"le. As I liste& to Sh'ro&Fs story( I let ,ysel+ le'r& th't =h't I ', doi&g =ith this "oo$ is letti&g ,y o=& he'rt "e ope&ed( letti&g ,ysel+ "e to!)hed '&d he'led "y those =ho 0yro& h's loved "')$ to li+e. These people =ho )o,e to ,e =ith their stories 're ,y te')hers. H!,ility +eels ,ore 'ppropri'te th'& pro+essio&'lis, here. IFd do =ell to he'r i& the ri&gi&g o+ the pho&e( 's 0yro& does( the voi)e o+ <od. A&y='y( 8Sh'ro& )o&ti&!es( 8I did give -'tie ' )'ll the very &eDt d'y '&d 's$ed her i+ she =o!ld help ,e. Th't ='s ' very "ig step +or ,e '&d she s'id she =o!ld. %ro, the& o& she G!st helped ,e. She loved ,e !&til I )o!ld love ,ysel+. The ,ost i,port'&t thi&g she did ='s to get ,e "')$ to the <od th't IFd 'l='ys $&o=&. I )',e +ro, losi&g everythi&g( ,ysel+ i&)l!ded. I ='s very lo= =ith &o )o&+ide&)e 't 'll( '&d &o= IF, CA A CRY IN THE DESERT =or$i&g '&d doi&g ' re'l good Go". A&d I ='s told I =o!ld &ever "e '"le to =or$ 'g'i& ? th't I ='s per,'&e&tly dis'"led. 0!t itFs &ot tr!e. IF, ,'$i&g itJ: Sh'ro&Fs story is st'r$. It is ' $&i+e peeli&g '='y 't her ,i&d. It is te'rs '&d the sile&)i&g o+ the he'rt. Sh'ro&Fs li+e di,i&ished her hope '&d le+t her '+r'id. It is li+e ='&ti&g to die. It is ' li+e o+ voi)es )')$li&g i& her he'd. Her +',ily ='s +illed =ith holes '&d she +ell thro!gh. It )o!ld&Ft hold her. It )o!ld&Ft )'re e&o!gh. At t=o ye'rs old she +elt the "etr'yi&g h'&ds o+ seD!'l '"!se. She dis'ppe'red i&side her ,i&d. 0!t there ='s &othi&g there th't she )o!ld tr!st. %i&di&g &othi&g tr!st=orthy i&side or o!tside( Sh'ro& gre= to h'te hersel+. 8Everythi&g I see,ed to do ='s &ot good e&o!gh +or ,e '&d others. I tried every ='y I $&e= to get help "!t I &ever )o!ld tr!st e&o!gh.: Her ,other too$ her to )h!r)h( G!st ' +e= ti,es( =he& she ='s ' s,'ll )hild. Sh'ro& held to so,ethi&g she +elt there( so,ethi&g she h'd +irst +elt i& &'t!re. 8I +elt <od 't ' very yo!&g 'ge(: she s'ys( 8I !sed to go sit o!t =ith the )'lves '&d )o=s '&d +elt th't <od ='s t'$i&g )'re o+ ,e ? th't He ='s the o&ly o&e I )o!ld t'l$ to.: <od g've ' se)!rity th't "'l'&)ed the '"!se '&d the terror i& her ,i&d. <od "lo)$ed her ,e,ories '&d helped her st'&d o!tside the p'i&. 0!t =he& she ='s +i+tee& th't 87ighty %ortress: i& her ,i&d +ell. 8Th'tFs =he& I +irst tried to )o,,it s!i)ide '&d +ro, the& o& it ='s G!st o&e "ig roller )o'ster( ' st'te o+ )o&+!sio&. 7'i&ly I ='s G!st tryi&g to s!rvive or die( o&e or the other.: C6 %or t=e&ty ye'rs Sh'ro& "'ttled. A&gry voi)es i& her ,i&d gre= lo!der( so lo!d so,eti,es th't they dro=&ed o!t the voi)es o+ her ther'pists. She h'd &o re'l +rie&ds. Everyo&e +e'red her. The ther'pists '&d psy)hi'trists lo)$ed her !p or tied her do=&. Th'tFs ho= she re)og&iHed their +e'r. They told her she ='s s)hiHophre&i). She g've "irth t=i)e. The )hildre& gre= !p i& the )h'os o+ her r'ge. She )o&s!,ed e&or,o!s *!'&tities o+ 'l)ohol )o,"i&ed =ith psy)hotropi) dr!gs. 8Every ti,e I overdosed( so,eo&e =o!ld "ri&g ,e "')$ to li+e '&d IFd get very '&gry. It G!st did&Ft =or$ +or ,e. I si,ply did&Ft $&o= ho= to *!it doi&g the thi&gs I ='s doi&g. A&d i+ I did *!it +or ' ti,e( the& I did&Ft $&o= ho= to live. I )o!ld&Ft t'l$ to people or go o!tside ,y ho!se. I ='s too '+r'id.: D!ri&g these ye'rs <od )o&ti&!ed to "e ' re+!ge. The )h!r)h( the s',e )h!r)h she 'tte&ded =ith her ,other =he& she ='s ' )hild( $ept its doors ope& to her. 8They did&Ft )h'se ,e '='y eve& tho!gh I )o!ld&Ft stop dri&$i&g. There ='s o&e l'dy =ho &ever stopped pr'yi&g +or ,e. She loved ,e !&)o&ditio&'lly "!t she )o!ld&Ft help ,e. I G!st +elt so ,!)h sh',e '&d g!ilt the&.: No ,'tter =hi)h ='y she t!r&ed( de'th see,ed to )ro!)h 't the e&d o+ the ro'd. 8I G!st did&Ft ='&t to live '&y ,ore. It ='s li$e th't +or t=e&ty ye'rs. I G!st did&Ft ='&t to. 0!t <od h'd other pl'&s.: Sh'ro& ,et -'tie. 8I did&Ft loo$ 't her. I re,e,"er h'vi&g ,y he'd do=&. 0!t there ='s ' ='r, se&s'tio& th't =e&t thro!gh ,y "ody. It ='s !&!s!'l +or '&yo&e to to!)h ,e "e)'!se I 'l='ys@( &o o&e !s!'lly did "e)'!se there ='s ' ='ll 'ro!&d ,e. eople G!st did&Ft to!)h ,e '&d -'tie did. She ='s&Ft '+r'id o+ ,eI I ='s '&gry( very '&gry. Her to!)h )',e 'll the ='y thro!gh. CC A CRY IN THE DESERT I ='s +righte&ed o+ her( "!t +or so,e re'so& I $&e= she )o!ld help ,e i+ I )o!ld G!st "e ho&est =ith her. It too$ ,e so,e ti,e to do th't( "!t she ='s p'tie&t.: -'tie ='s ' )o&tr'di)tio& th't 't +irst Sh'ro& )o!ld '))ept o&ly =ith s$epti)is,. 8She ='s 'll lovi&g '&d 'll $i&d '&d I tho!ght ? y!$$yJ 8 The voi)es i& Sh'ro&Fs ,i&d ='r&ed her to st'y '='y. 4on't trust her( they s'id. +he's a fake. +he'll betray you. 4oesn't eeryone betray you- +he'll hurt you. 0ust look at her$ smiling all the time$ saying she loes you. ,hat good are you- ,hat's in you to loe- +he's lying. +he's crazy. +he can't loe you! no one can loe you. 0!t there ='s o&e voi)e i& Sh'ro&( o&e so+t =hisper( th't 'llo=ed G!st ' little tr!st. A&d she ope&ed ' s,'ll( ' very old door to -'tie. The ,ore she let hersel+ "e =ith -'tie( the =ider th't door ope&ed. 8A&d sheFs the o&e =ho $ept helpi&g ,e( letti&g ,e $&o= th't it ='s o$'y( eve& tho!gh I )o!ld&Ft )o&)e&tr'te or do '&ythi&g. She G!st $ept letti&g ,e $&o= th't it ='s o$'y. She $ept telli&g ,e th't she loved ,e ? so,ethi&g I did&Ft "elieve +or ' lo&g ti,e. 0!t KIL did. I do&Ft $&o= =he& I tr!ly st'rted tr!sti&g her( "!t there ='s ' ti,e =he& I did. A&d I do &o=.: %or ' lo&g ti,e Sh'ro& )o!ld&Ft e&ter -'tieFs ho,e. They s't i& -'tieFs )'r i& +ro&t o+ the ho!se '&d did The #or$. They t'l$ed '"o!t +e'r '&d g!ilt '&d <od. 8I+ there is ' <od(: Sh'ro& s'id to -'tie o&e d'y( 8I &eed to $&o= "e)'!se IF, do!"ti&g very ,!)h.: #h't h'ppe&ed &eDt is so,ethi&g Sh'ro& holds )lose( ' $i&d o+ divi&i&g rod. She des)ri"es it this ='y: 8There ='s &o o&e 'ro!&d( '&d =he& I s'id th't I &eeded to $&o=( the top o+ her )'r popped li$e so,eo&e h'd sl',,ed it( "!t there ='s &othi&g ? &o o&e 'ro!&d. I thi&$ it ='s the +irst ti,e I st'rted l'!ghi&g( '&d I s'id to her( F;$'y( did yo! rig it C2 it>: 0e)'!se I ='s very s$epti)'l( very &eg'tive. I )o!ld "e &eg'tive '"o!t '&ythi&g. 0!t I still re,e,"er th't eve&t. I 's$ed +or ' sig& '&d got o&e G!st li$e th't. It ='s po=er+!l. It )h'&ged so,ethi&g i& ,e( G!st slightly( to 'llo= ' little ,ore ti,e +or ,ore help.: E')h o+ Sh'ro&Fs voi)es &eeded )o&vi&)i&g. They )o&ti&!ed to ,'$e ' r')$et i& her he'd. They ,'de it di++i)!lt to do The #or$. The& -'tie s!ggested th't Sh'ro& )h'&ge her e'ti&g h'"its. #h't =o!ld h'ppe& i+ she )!t o!t s!g'r '&d s'lt '&d red ,e't> Sh'ro& tried it. The voi)es *!ieted do=&. They did&Ft go '='y( "!t there ='s ' &oti)e'"le di++ere&)e. It too$ ' lo&g ti,e to )o&vi&)e hersel+ th't it re'lly ='s p'rti'lly the +ood th't ='s doi&g it. 0!t =he&ever she ret!r&ed to her old ='y o+ e'ti&g( the voi)es "e)',e stro&g( ,ore vitrioli). 8No= I $&o= itFs tr!e. It ='s the o&ly ti,e( i& 'll those ye'rs( th't '&ythi&g ever =or$ed 's +'r 's *!ieti&g the voi)es to the poi&t th't I )o!ld )o&)e&tr'te( )o!ld !&derst'&d =h't ='s goi&g o&. 9et ,e tell yo!( tho!gh( thereFs still ' p'rt o+ ,e( so,eti,es( th't s'ys itFs ' lot o+ "!&$J The& I go 'he'd '&d e't the =ro&g +ood( '&d the& I go &!ts 'g'i& "e)'!se I =o!ld li$e to "e &or,'l ? =h'tever th't is. A&d itFs &ot ' possi"ility +or ,e to do the thi&gs other people 're '"le to do '&d live ' s'&e li+e. I )'&Ft. So i+ I ='&t the pe')e '&d the s'&ity '&d the love I +eel +or ,ysel+( the& I e't right. The& thi&gs go ' lot "etter. I do&Ft $&o= ? it h's ' lot to do =ith the +ood.: 0yro& -'tie te')hes th't +ood( li$e every other sy,"ol( is i&&o)e&t. 8ItFs ,y "elie+ th't s'ys I )'& e't )ert'i& thi&gs( li$e re+i&ed &o&+oods(: she s'ys. 8This is =here "elie+ loses its i&&o)e&)e. Th't is the lie. 0y ')ti&g o& the lie( =e eDperie&)e its e++e)ts 's &ervo!s&ess( r'ge( sleepless&ess( p'ssive&ess( C9 A CRY IN THE DESERT tr'&*!ility( o"esity( ,'l&!tritio&( i&s'&ity( dise'se( '&d de'th. These e++e)ts s'y( F7y d'rli&g( t'$e ' loo$ 't yo!r ,i&d( 't origi&'l tho!ght( 't yo!r "elie+( 't Tr!th.F Ho&or th't. The physi)'l )hoi)es th't res!lt +ro, s!)h ho&ori&g "ri&g '"o!t ' pe')e+!l "ody re+le)tive o+ the ,i&d th't ,'de the )hoi)e. 8I+ =e )'&&ot $&o= th't the "elie+ is ' lie origi&'lly( '&d =e the& ')t o& the lie( the "ody is the voi)e th't tells !s the Tr!th th't ='s &ot 'v'il'"le to the ,i&d. C'& =e he'r it> There is o&ly o&e h!&ger( It is the h!&ger +or H'ppi&ess '&d !lti,'tely +or <od. 0ody re+le)ts ,i&dI it does&Ft h've ' )hoi)e. Tr!th+!l ,i&dI he'lthy "ody. De)eit+!l ,i&dI si)$ "ody. I& ti,e it 'll 'ppe'rs er+e)t re+le)tio&.: Sh'ro& visited =ith -'tie every d'y( '&d =he& -'tie le+t to=& +or =or$shops Sh'ro& visited =ith '!l. She li$ed "ei&g i& -'tieFs prese&)e '&d '!l )o&t'i&ed so,ethi&g o+ -'tie th't Sh'ro& )o!ld +eel. 0!t it ='s&Ft G!st Sh'ro&Fs o=& &eed th't pro,pted the visits. A love '&d )'re +or -'tie 'rose i& her 'lo&g =ith her love +or hersel+. She ='&ted to eDpress her love( her )'ri&g. There is ' "o&d "et=ee& the t=o =o,e& &o= th't is so deep th't Sh'ro& s'ys she $&o=s eve& "e+ore she )'lls =hether -'tie is 't ho,e i& 0'rsto=. 8ItFs ' )o&&e)tio& th't I )'&Ft eDpl'i&.: 9i+e still is &ot per+e)t +or Sh'ro&. I& +')t( per+e)tio& ? the re*!ire,e&t she pl')es o& hersel+ to "e per+e)t ? is o&e o+ her de,o&s. 8So,e"ody h's to give ,e per,issio& to do this progressively '&d &ot per+e)tly. I ', ' per+e)tio&ist. I+ I +elt I h'd to do it per+e)tly( I .!st )o!ld&Ft do it 't 'll. The +irst ti,e IFd +'il I =o!ld&Ft ? I do&Ft $&o=. I &eed to $&o= I do&Ft h've to "e per+e)t '&d th't <od loves ,e '&d 't le'st o&e other perso& loves ,e. I $&o= -'tie loves ,e. She gives ,e per,issio& &ot to do this per+e)tly.: 23 She )o&ti&!es to t'$e ,edi)'tio& +or her ill&ess. She does&Ft li$e to do th't "e)'!se itFs di++i)!lt +or her to "e depe&de&t( "!t =itho!t the ,edi)'tio&( she is&Ft '"le to =or$ 't her Go". She thi&$s th't i+ she )o&siste&tly 'te the +oods th't she &eeds( the ,edi)'tio& =o!ld&Ft "e &e)ess'ry. 0yro& -'tie te')hes th't right thi&$i&g )hooses the ,edi)i&e K+oodsL th't he'l '&d th't t'$i&g pres)riptio& ,edi)i&e +ro, do)tors is &othi&g ,ore th'& the dr'sti) 'tte,pt to ,'$e this )hoi)e. 8He'l yo!rsel+(: 0yro& e&)o!r'ges( 80y $&o=i&g yo!rsel+ '&d let the ,edi)'l do)tors "e the 0'&d1AidesM th't "ri&g yo! thro!gh to the ti,e i& =hi)h yo! )'& $&o= yo!rsel+.: 8IF, G!st &ot =illi&g to do the thi&gs I &eed to do(: Sh'ro& re+le)ts. 8ItEs e'sier to G!st t'$e ' pill th'& to sti)$ to the diet Kthe Tr!thL ? "!t itFs i&s'&e. I do&Ft $&o=( I thi&$ th'tFs =hy I still do&Ft h've th't $i&d o+ love th't I )o!ld h've. IF, =or$i&g o& it.: The )h'&ges i& Sh'ro& ','He her ther'pists '&d other do)tors =ho h've $&o=& her +or ye'rs. 8They did&Ft "elieve I )o!ld(: she s'ys. 8They G!st )'&Ft "elieve th't IF, )'p'"le o+ =or$i&g '&d th't I do&Ft &eed to t'$e the $i&d o+ psy)hotropi) dr!gs th't I ='s o&( '&d they h'd ,e o& ' &!,"er o+ the,. I o&ly t'$e R'&'D &o=.: She "elieves th't 's she progresses i& The #or$ eve& R'&'D =ill "e)o,e !&&e)ess'ry +or her. 8I+ it =ere&Ft +or -'tie(: Sh'ro& re+le)ts( 8I do&Ft "elieve I =o!ld "e =here I ',. I '"sol!tely $&o= th't <od p!t her i&to ,y li+e so th't she )o!ld g!ide ,e. He did this =he& I did&Ft eve& $&o= ho= to t'l$ to people or ho= to do '&ythi&g. So it is .es!s Christ( '&d &o other( =ho is respo&si"le +or ,y re)overy. <ive 'll the glory '&d pr'ise to hi,. 21 A CRY IN THE DESERT 8#h't -'tie t'!ght ,e is "'si)'lly to loo$ 't ,ysel+. She t'!ght ,e ho= to )le'& !p 'll th't ,ess th't ='s i&side o+ ,e( ho= to get it do=& o& p'per( ho= to '))ept the respo&si"ility +or ' lot o+ thi&gs I ='s +eeli&g ? to loo$ 't ,y p'rt i& 'll o+ th't. She t'!ght ,e ho= to love ,ysel+. ItFs ' ,ir')le. #ell( I still )'&Ft loo$ i& the ,irror too ,!)h( "!t I do it ' lot ,ore th'& "e+ore. IFve )h'&ged. IF, ' perso& =ith sel+1estee, '&d )o&+ide&)e( o&e =ith the '"ility to t'l$ =ith people. IF, )'p'"le o+ lovi&g people '&d tr!sti&g the,( 't le'st to ' poi&t '&d( I do&Ft $&o=( I G!st +eel li$e ' )o,pletely di++ere&t perso&.: #he& I 's$ Sh'ro& =h't it is '"o!t -'tie th't gives her the po=er '&d =isdo, to "ri&g he'li&g( Sh'ro& s'ys( 8I thi&$ itFs "e)'!se sheFs "ee& thro!gh the s',e thi&g. She !&derst'&ds p'i& '&d s!++eri&g '&d 'll the thi&gs IFve go&e thro!gh. She !&derst'&ds the +e'r '&d isol'tio&. She +o!&d ' ='y to get o!t o+ it.: A&d th't is tr!e. 24 N; %EAR %e'r "ro!ght ,e to 0yro& -'tie i& the +irst pl')e. It "ri&gs ,'&y. I $&o= th't &o=. %e'r o&)e "ro!ght -'tie( hersel+( i&to ' priso& o+ greed '&d r'ge '&d &!,"i&g dr!gs '&d +oods. I still +eel p'i& =he& I tell the story o+ her +e'r '&d the de'th she died "e)'!se o+ it. The&( "e)'!se o+ ,y p'i&( I $&o= th't ,y ,i&d )o&ti&!es to sed!)e ,e i&to +e'rs o+ ,y o=&. 8Do The #or$(: 0yro& =o!ld s'y. 86&)over the lie '&d live i& =h't is Re'l.: %e'r is the "elie+ th't =h't is Re'l =ill h'r, !s. It is the s!spi)io&( o+te& eve& the )o&vi)tio&( th't the !&iverse is &ot progressi&g 's it sho!ld( th't <od ,'de ' ,ist'$e or ='s&Ft =ise e&o!gh to get thi&gs right. ItFs the i,p!lse to t'$e )o&trol( ,ysel+( o+ desti&y( o+ the +!t!re ? 's i+ I )'&. I $&o= I )'&Ft( so the& I +'ll i&to p'&i). I+ <od is &ot =ise e&o!gh '&d the !&iverse is s=i&gi&g o!t o+ )o&trol '&d I )'&Ft +iD it( the& ,y thi&$i&g s'ys itFs "o!&d to h'r, ,e. %e'r $eeps ,e tryi&g to "e <od. %e'r e&s!res ,y +'il!re. ThereFs &o Tr!th i& it. IF, &ot <od. A&d the ;&e =ho is ,'$es &o ,ist'$es. I& +e'r =e )re'te dr','s o+ o!r lives. #e divide o!rselves i&to p'rts( ,'$e roles( ,'$e voi)es i& o!r ,i&ds( s)'re o!rselves to de'th. I& +e'r =e ,'$e o!rselves si)$. 8The si)$ "ody is the voi)e o+ +e'r+!l ,i&d(: 0yro& s'ys. %e'r "e)o,es '& !l)er. It spe'$s thro!gh )'&)er. It is high "lood press!re. It is 'rthritis. It is ' tighte&i&g !p( '& '&ger =ith Tr!th( ' resist'&)e to Re'lity( '& i&siste&)e o& ,y o=& ='y( ,y egoFs ='y( ,y little visio&. 2B A CRY IN THE DESERT %e'r is !&til itFs &ot. A pe)!li'r tr'p devised "y the ,i&d is o!r 'tte,pt to t'l$ o!rselves o!t o+ +e'r. Thi&$i&g '"o!t ,y +e'r digs ' deeper pit +or it. 7e&t'l str!ggle t'&gles the ,i&d. 0yro&Fs ide' o+ 8dr',' h'ppe&i&g: or 8e++orti&g: t'&gles o&e i& the +e'r. She $&o=s. E++orti&g ='s her li+e +or +orty ye'rs. She )re'ted ' dr',' to rid hersel+ o+ her +e'r o+ reGe)tio&( o+ "ei&g &o o&e( '&d it red!)ed her to &othi&g. She l'y !&der her "ed( i& r'ge( i& terror( )o,pletely '+r'id ? '&d the& she l'y there i& =o&der over ' )o)$ro')h '&d there ='s &o +e'r( '&y=here. #he& she spe'$s to ,e o+ dr','s( dre',s( ,ythologies( I $&o= i,,edi'tely =h't she ,e'&s. I tho!ght the e++orti&g ='s ' respo&si"ility( so,ethi&g I ='s "o!&d to do( ' ='y o+ )'ri&g +or ,ysel+. I )l!&g to this "elie+ despite ,y eDperie&)e th't it &ever =or$edI it 'l='ys ,'de ,y li+e ,iser'"le '&d i&)re'sed ,y +e'r. I +ig!red I h'd +'iled 't thi&$i&g ,y ='y o!t o+ ' pro"le,. I tried h'rder. I )'lled it "ei&g re'dy. I )'lled it pl'&&i&g. I+ ,y h!s"'&d ='s l'te 'rrivi&g ho,e( +or eD',ple( I +elt 'tt')$ed "y the +e'r o+ loss. 8#h't i+ there ='s '& '))ide&t> 8 s'id ,y ,i&d. 8#h't i+ heFs i& the hospit'l> #h't i+ he died>: So there ='s the dr','( the s)e&e set. #h't e++ort did I &eed to ,'$e> 7y sto,')h )h!r&ed. I,'ges +illed ,y ,i&d. The )r'sh s)e&e. 7y 'rriv'l. ;r the hospit'l. #'l$i&g i&to IC6. 8Co!ld I ,'$e it o& ,y o=&>: )o&ti&!ed ,y ,i&d. 8Co!ld I eve& drive> #ho ,ight I )'ll( =h't +rie&d =o!ld t'$e the ti,e to help ,e> A&d the& the +!&er'l( =h't '"o!t th't> Ho= )o!ld I e&d!re it> Ho= =o!ld he li$e it to "e> IFd h've to )'ll his +',ily. Ho= =o!ld I s!rvive =itho!t hi,>: 0y the ti,e ,y h!s"'&d ='l$ed i& the door( thirty ,i&!tes l'te( IFd eDh'!sted ,ysel+ =ith this dr',' o+ 25 +e'r. IFd ='sted pre)io!s e&ergy o& ill!sio&s. IFd ,'de ,ysel+ ' little( or ' lot( si)$. 8#hy do yo! do th't to yo!> 8 0yro& 's$s. A"o!t eight ,o&ths '+ter 0yro& +irst told ,e I ='s !si&g ,y ,i&d to s)'re ,ysel+( '&d siD ,o&ths '+ter I "eg'& doi&g The #or$( I ='s 'g'i& ='iti&g +or ,y h!s"'&d to )o,e ho,e. He '&d his "rother '&d &ephe= h'd t'$e& o!r &e= EDplorer tr!)$ o!t i&to the desert +or ' ,or&i&g o+ t'rget pr')ti)e '&d eDperi,e&ti&g =ith the +o!r1=heel drive. They pl'&&ed to "e ho,e 'ro!&d &oo&. #he& o&e oF)lo)$ )',e I +elt ' ti&y Golt o+ +e'r. #here =ere they> I re,e,"ered 0yro&Fs 'd,o&itio& th't =e &ot hold o& to s!)h 8)o&tr')tio&s: +or ,ore th'& ' +e= se)o&ds. 8#h'tFs re'l>: I 's$ed ,ysel+. I +elt the s!& thro!gh the =i&do=. I he'rd ' "ird si&g. I s,elled the 'ro,' +ro, ,y )!p o+ H'rvest Spi)e te'. 7y little &ote"oo$ )o,p!ter h!,,ed( '&d =ords IFd G!st +i&ished =riti&g sho&e "')$ 't ,e +ro, the "')$1lit s)ree&. He ='s l'te. Th't ='s 'll. #hy he ='s l'te ='s so,ethi&g I )o!ld&Ft $&o= '&d &o ',o!&t o+ thi&$i&g =o!ld "e '"le to provide ,e =ith the $&o=ledge. #h't ='s re'l ='s the thi&g right i& +ro&t o+ ,e. I let it "e. The re'lity i& +ro&t o+ ,e )o&t'i&ed &o h'r,. I )o&ti&!ed to =rite +or three ,ore ho!rs. At +o!r oF)lo)$ they still =ere&Ft ho,e. The tho!ght dri+ted thro!gh ,y ,i&d th't i+ they h'd&Ft 'rrived "y s!pperti,e I =o!ld )o&t')t the high='y p'trol. .!st 's th't h'ppe&ed( I he'rd the EDplorer p!ll i&to the drive. They )',e i& l'!ghi&g. Dirty. %ilthy( i& +')t. They h'd "ee& pl'yi&g i& the desert. #h't )o!ld th't EDplorer do> Ho= good ='s th't +o!r1=heel drive> Drive do=& this hill. Drive 'lo&g th't dried !p river"ed. A&d they got st!)$( re'lly h!&g !p. It too$ +o!r ho!rs to dig o!t( get e&o!gh =ood !&der the tires +or tr')tio&. They 2A A CRY IN THE DESERT r'tio&ed their ='ter. The te,per't!re ='s over ' h!&dred degrees. 0!t they did it. #'s there ever ' do!"t> #h't '& 'dve&t!reJ #h't +!&J No h'r,. No +e'r. 0!t =h't( the old voi)es 's$( =h't i+ theyFd died( the& =h't> A&d I respo&d: #o!ld +e'ri&g it h've helped> It =o!ld h've depleted ,e. #e h've 'll =e &eed to ,eet e')h ,o,e&t =ith =h'tever it )o&t'i&s. The ,o,e&t =e )'ll 8de'th: is &o di++ere&t +ro, the others. E')h ,o,e&t p'sses to le've sp')e +or the higher good. 8The highest good =ill )o,e =he& yo! ='it '&d let th't highest good )o,e +orth i& pe')e. 0e)'!se =he& =e let go( it le'ves ' v')!!, th't the !&iverse h's to +ill. It h's toI it is ' l'=. 8So 's lo&g 's yo! 're i& )o&tr')tio& i& +e'r( it )'&&ot ,ove i&( "!t thro!gh the letti&g go( so,ethi&g higher )o,es i&( '&d th't =ill "e per+e)t. At th't ,o,e&t =e )'& $&o= it( "!t the ,i&!te =e ,ove '='y +ro, th't pe')e i&to the +e'r st'te( it is the ,i&d s'yi&g the !&iverse ='s ,'de =ro&g( '&d th't =e $&o= "etter th'& th't. #e 're .!dgi&g it. #e ,ove '='y '&d it is &ot ever goi&g to =or$( &ever h's =or$ed. So =e ,ove i&to the s!rre&der pl')e '&d it 'll "e)o,es 'v'il'"le to !s 'g'i&. A&d =e h've '"sol!te )o&trol over th't( ,ovi&g "')$ i&to per+e)tio&. 8#h't I ', s'yi&g is th't thi&gs 're 's they 're s!pposed to "e. There is o&ly pe')e '&d per+e)tio&( o&ly good. #e h've "ee& t'!ght other=ise( "!t it is G!st si,ply &ot so. I+ I thi&$ so,ethi&g is &ot good( the& I &eed to =or$ o& ,y ,i&d !&til I )'& see the tr!th o+ it. A&d th't is The #or$. 26 S6CCESS IS N;T 0ETRAYA9 8D'vid thi&$s heFs lost.: 0yro&Fs voi)e( deep( h!s$y. 8#h't do yo! ,e'&> #h't h'ppe&ed>: I h'd G!st told her IFd "e )'lli&g hi,. I ='s '"o!t to =rite this )h'pter. ;& the pho&e three ,o&ths 'go( ,'y"e +o!r( he h'd 'greed to t'l$ +!rther =ith ,e. 8%ro, ho,e(: he h'd s'id( 8IFll +eel ,ore )o,+ort'"le t'l$i&g '"o!t this =he& IF, 't ho,e.: D'vid )'lled ,e( th't +irst ti,e( +ro, 0yro& -'tieFs ho!se. He visited her o+te& to "olster his hope. She told ,e th't he h'd )ried '+ter he h!&g !p the pho&e. She h'd held hi,. 8HeFs so "e'!ti+!l. HeFs 9ove. 0!t so,eti,es he +orgets. He loses =h't he $&o=s '&d he )o,es "')$ here to re,e,"er. C'll hi, 't ho,e. As$ hi, to t'l$. His he'rt is ope&.: 0yro& h'd )'lled ,e =he& he le+t her ho!se. She 'lso told ,e th't the do)tors s'id D'vid h'd )'&)er. He h'd&Ft ,e&tio&ed it to ,e. 8ItFs there '&d the& it is&Ft. It )'& 'ppe'r th't =he& he does The #or$ the )'&)er le'ves. #he& he +orgets =ho he is( it see,s the )'&)erFs "')$. It =o!ld "e i&teresti&g to see the do)torFs do)!,e&t'tio&.: He ='s&Ft ho,e l'ter th't =ee$ =he& I )'lled. The& other )h'pters i&terve&ed. I h'd told hi, I ,ight &ot )'ll +or ,o&ths. #h't does 0yro& ,e'& th't he thi&$s heFs lost> 8HeFs o& )he,other'py( ho&ey. So ,'&y dr!gs. HeFs &ot hi,sel+. HeFs li$e ' ='ll. ItFs di++i)!lt to get thro!gh. ItFs +e'r. The +e'r. A&d he does&Ft h've )'&)er. Eve& the do)tors s'id there ='s &o )'&)er "!t they 2C A CRY IN THE DESERT ='&ted to do this '&y='y '&d D'vid ='s '+r'id.: 9ost. The lost "oy. /ery li$e th't eter '& "oo$ so,e ye'rs 'go th't )hro&i)led the p'i& o+ so ,'&y ,e& i& o!r )!lt!re. 9i$e the 5uer Aeternum( the eter&'l )hild o+ the .!&gi'& theoristsI the o&e =ho =o!ld r'ther die th'& rele'se the +'&t'sy o+ yo!th. They s'y th't s!)h ' o&e !s!'lly does die so,e ti,e "e+ore +i+ty. D'vid is +orty1seve&. I tell her I =ill &eed to =rite this )h'pter +ro, the D'vid i& ,y he'rt. I do&Ft ='&t to o,it hi, +ro, the "oo$. His testi,o&y is vit'l. I re,e,"er telli&g hi, o& the d'y he +irst )'lled th't his story h'd &'tio&'l i,pli)'tio&s. #h't ,'$es ,e loy'l to his story( tho!gh( h's &othi&g to do =ith i,pli)'tio&s( &'tio&'l or other=ise. 7y loy'lty is to so,ethi&g i& his voi)e( ' *!'lity o+ =ist+!l&ess( ' "oyish to&e li$e '& eleve& ye'r1 old =ho $&o=s the te&1speed "i$e !&der&e'th the Christ,'s tree ,!st "e +or hi, "!t still )'&Ft "ri&g hi,sel+ to "elieve itFs tr!e. 0yro& 's$s ,e to hold the li&e ' ,o,e&t. So,eo&eFs o& her )'ll1='iti&g. She ret!r&s to s'y th't she &eeds to t'$e the )'ll. I h'&g !p the pho&e '&d dig thro!gh ,y t'pes to +i&d D'vidFs: I slip it i&to ,y re)order. His voi)e. Hesit'&t. So+t =ith ' )ore o+ ple'di&g. The voi)e o+ '& 'doles)e&t "oy. He gre= !p poor( ' N'tive A,eri)'& "oy i& the high desert o+ the A,eri)'& #est. ThereFs &othi&g ro,'&ti) '"o!t his li+e( &othi&g th't s,')$s o+ Holly=ood. He does&Ft eve& ,e&tio& his tri"e. Is he Ap')he> N'v'ho> IFll &ever $&o= "e)'!se I did&Ft 's$. His d'd dr'&$ too ,!)h( died o+ 'l)oholis,. His !&)les dr'&$. ro"'"ly his gr'&d+'ther too. ro"'"ly ge&er'tio&s o+ 'l)oholi)s. HeFs pretty s!re. ItFs ho= every"ody ='s( he s'ys. It ='s eDpe)ted. 22 D'vid too$ his +irst dri&$ i& the lo)$er roo, 't .!&ior High S)hool. He pl'yed "'s$et"'ll. He ='s s$illed e&o!gh to get ' s)hol'rship( o&e he l'ter lost "e)'!se o+ so,ethi&g i& his ,i&d th't s'id &o. The 'l)ohol +elt good( +elt po=er+!l( g've hi, )o&+ide&)e. He ='s&Ft !sed to )o&+ide&)e. He tho!ght he =o!ld pl'y "etter "'s$et"'ll =ith dri&$s "e+ore '&d '+ter. #he& he ='s high &othi&g )o!ld de+e't hi,. 87y sel+1estee, )',e "')$. I did&Ft +eel li$e G!st this poor I&di'& "'rely s!rvivi&g =ith his +',ily.: Every"ody did it. All the "oys. All the ,e&. He h!&g 'ro!&d the "'r. He '&d h's +rie&ds rode dirt "i$es thro!gh the desert. They yelled. They strode !p to girls. They sho=ed ho= stro&g they =ere. Al)ohol '&d seD. D'vid s'ys they )'&Ft "e sep'r'ted. ThereFs &o love i& the ,i&d +looded =ith 'l)ohol( &o respe)t( &o ,or'lity. A&d there ='s &o ='y o!t. It ='s ho= they de,o&str'ted solid'rity. 8I& high s)hool every =ee$e&d ='s ' "eer p'rty. I =e&t to s)hool high. Dr'&$ d!ri&g l!&)h ti,e ? '+ter s)hool. It got progressively =orse. I got $i)$ed o!t o+ s)hool +or dri&$i&g. I got $i)$ed o!t o+ 'thleti)s. I =e&t to .!&ior College '&d I dr'&$. I pl'yed 'thleti)s '&d I still dr'&$. I did&Ft $&o= it( "!t ,y dri&$i&g ='s getti&g ,ore '&d ,ore. All ,y +rie&ds( 'll ,y rel'tio&ships( =ere )e&tered o& dri&$i&g. I pi)$ed the, o!t or they pi)$ed ,e. The& I st'rted t'$i&g dr!gs ? =eed( )o)'i&e. Th't ='s =he& I got i&to ,'Gor )ollege ? ' +!ll s)hol'rship to ' priv'te s)hool. I did&Ft )o,plete it "e)'!se o+ dr!gs '&d 'l)ohol. IFd G!st get ,ysel+ i& tro!"le 'll the ti,e. 8A&d seD. It ='s ' pro"le,. IFd try to s)re= '&y girl th't ='l$ed i& +ro&t o+ ,e. Th't ='s =he& I ='s o& 'l)ohol '&d dr!gs. #he& yo!Fre dr!&$ yo! do 'll the i,,or'l ')ts. #he& yo!Fre dr!&$ yo! loo$ +or =o,e&. 29 A CRY IN THE DESERT All o+ !s did it. I h've &o ,or'ls =he& IF, dr!&$. Yo!r =hole "ody )h'&ges. Yo!Fre &ot re'lly yo!. Yo! +eel li$e '& ill!sio&( ' po=er+!l "ei&g =ho )'& get '&y =o,'& yo! ='&t. A&d i& re'lity itFs ' "ig( +!)$i&F lie. 8-ids do&Ft "elieve this. I h've so&s. ItFs li$e th't +or the, too. It G!st $eeps goi&g +or people !&til it )li)$s. ItFs ' lie. I )'&Ft )le'& ,y so&s !pI they h've to )le'& the,selves !p. 8I try to t'l$ '"o!t the seD '&d 'l)ohol pro"le, 't T=elve Step ,eeti&gs. eople sidestep this iss!e. They do&Ft ='&t it ,e&tio&ed. 7'y"e itFs "e)'!se "oth =o,e& '&d ,e& 'tte&d the ,eeti&gs. It ,'$es it re'l h'rd. TheyFre '+r'id. Yo! h've to ='t)h =h't yo! s'y. eople do&Ft $eep se)rets. The si)$est o+ the si)$est 're sitti&g i& th't roo,. 0ig ti,e +e'r. Th'tFs pro"'"ly =hy =e dr'&$ i& the +irst pl')e. %e'r o+ s!))eedi&g. 8#ill 'll ,y +rie&ds h'te ,e i+ I do s!))eed> eer press!re is stro&g. I+ I str'ighte& !p '&d live right( li$e yo!Fre s!pposed to live li+e( =ill I lose 'll ,y +rie&ds> I did&Ft ='&t to do it. Not =he& I ='s gro=i&g !p. ThereFs ' lot o+ )o&+li)t there. Espe)i'lly livi&g i& ' lo= +i&'&)i'l e&viro&,e&t.: A terri+yi&g logi). He is telli&g ,e th't this is =h't is do&e i& his )!lt!re. He t'l$ed hi,sel+ i&to "elievi&g it ? I&di'&s dri&$( )'ro!se( drive +'st thro!gh the desert( pi)$ !p girls. I&di'&s do&Ft &eed the =hite ,'&Es ='ys. I&di'&s s)or& =hite ,'&Fs s!))ess. #ho &eeds ed!)'tio&> #ho &eeds ' )'reer> #ho &eeds '&ythi&g o+ this 6.S. )!lt!re( the )!lt!re th't destroyed the N'tive A,eri)'& people> I+ he li+ts hi,sel+ !p +ro, th't e&viro&,e&t( he thi&$s he "etr'ys his people( 's tho!gh s!))eedi&g is to +'ll. He see,s to "elieve itFs ' +'il!re +or ' N'tive A,eri)'& i& his e&viro&,e&t to +it i& to the )o,,o& 93 A,eri)'& )!lt!re. I s!ggest this to hi,. 8Th'tFs tr!e(: he tells ,e. ThereFs '& edge o+ s!rprise to his voi)e. 8I &ever tho!ght o+ it li$e th't "e+ore. ItFs tr!e. I !sed to "elieve th't the =hite ,'& ='&ted this: to $eep !s i& poverty. I& ' ro!&d'"o!t ='y I still "elieve this. The preG!di)ed tho!ghts 're still 'ro!&d. It ,ight "e 1995( "!t the thi&$i&g is still the s',e. #e still p!t !p =ith it. IF, &ot s'yi&g every "ody does it( "!t ' lot o+ people =ith po=er h've those ide's( '&d they go to )h!r)h o& S!&d'y.: D'vid tells ,e th't i& o&e '+ter&oo& 0yro& t!r&ed his li+e 'ro!&d. 8She s'ved ,y li+e.: He he'rd '"o!t her +ro, ,!t!'l +rie&ds. He h'd &o other hope '&d so he )'lled her !p. She told hi, to )o,e over to her ho,e '&d he =e&t. She t'!ght hi, to do The #or$. 8She ,'de ,e =rite it 'll o!t o& p'per so I )o!ld loo$ 't it. I +o!&d o!t it ='s 'll ' lie. 7y tho!ghts =ere lyi&g to ,e. I ='s livi&g ' lie.: ;!r )o&vers'tio& )ir)les 'ro!&d 'g'i& to the 'l)oholis,. 8ItFs ' ,'Gor pro"le, i& the I&di'& pop!l'tio& ? the ,issio& I&di'&s( the reserv'tio& I&di'&s. Yo! go "')$ '&d its thereI the 'l)ohol $eeps I&di'&s +ro, s!))eedi&g( +ro, $eepi&g Go"s. The $ids G!st gro= !p ='t)hi&g the 'd!lts "ei&g disho&est( i,,or'l. -'tie g've ,e =h't I &eed to "re'$ the )h'i&.: No= D'vid ,ight "e dyi&g o& the sh'do= side o+ his +e'r. ;r ,'y"e he is "re'$i&g the )h'i&1le'r&i&g ho= to live =itho!t +'il!re. No&e o+ the stories here is +i&ished. 91 A CRY IN THE DESERT %699NESS ;% 9I%E N;# D'vid is o& ,y ,i&d. I thi&$ I $&o= the pl')e he i&h'"its. I thi&$ IFve "ee& there. IFve tighte&ed !p( gr'""ed hold o+ the s,'llest reed r'ther th'& 'llo= ,ysel+ to "e )'rried "y the )!rre&t( "or&e !p "y the +lood o+ li+e itsel+. 8%e'r o+ s!))ess(: I re+le)t =hile 0yro& -'tie liste&s( 87!st "e the +e'r o+ livi&g.: 8Yes.: I ='&t to $&o= ,ore. I thi&$ ho= e'sy it is to li,it ,ysel+( set "o!&d'ries o& li+e( ,'$e it s,'ll. The s,'ller li+e is( the less li$ely I =ill +'il. Th'tFs the lie tell ,ysel+. The lie is the +'il!re. 8There is &o +'il!re.: 0yro& s,iles. 8ThereFs o&ly the ,i&d th't tells ,e I h've +'iled.: S!))ess '&d +'il!re( "o!&d together( +lip sides o+ ' si&gle +e'r. 8Tell ,e =h't yo! $&o= '"o!t the +e'r o+ livi&g(: I 's$ her. 8The +e'r o+ livi&g is the +e'r res!lti&g +ro, the tho!ght th't I ', ' "ody. rote)tio& o+ "ody "e)o,es the o&ly go'l. 0!t I ', &ot ' "ody. Every e++ort goes to prote)t =h't is &ot. There is &ot o&e tho!ght th't is &ot '"o!t preservi&g the "ody. A&d I ', &ot this "ody. #he& tho!ght do,i&'tes( the tr!e FIF sleeps.: ;&ly r'rely do I !&derst'&d =h't 0yro& s'ys '"o!t &ot "ei&g ' "ody( '&d =he& I do( it is &ot )o&)ept!'l !&derst'&di&g. #he& ,y ,i&d is e)lipsed( the& I !&derst'&d. It is 'l='ys '& eDperie&)e i& =hi)h =h't I thi&$ o+ 's ,y "ody si,ply does &ot eDist i& '&y ='y 94 th't sep'r'tes ,e o!t. ;&e is. ;&e =itho!t li,it. I ', &ot )'&)eled "!t e)lipsed. 0ody is +l!idI it is 'irI it is ' shi,,eri&g i& the 9ight o+ the ;&e. The& &othi&g th't )o!ld "e )'lled s!))ess or +'il!re )'& "e s'id to h've '&y ,e'&i&g. They si,ply 're &ot '&ythi&g 't 'll. 9i+e is All. 0!t ,y ,i&d eDerts itsel+. I p!ll "')$. 7y "ody is solid. I ', sep'r'te. 9i,ited. I ', 's s,'ll 's I thi&$ I &eed to "e i& order to $eep ,y +e'rs 't "'y. 8#ith D'vid( i& the N'tive A,eri)'& )!lt!re( to hold o& to the p'st is to disreg'rd evol!tio&(: 0yro& re+le)ts. 8#he& =e s'y th't the =hite ,'& "ro!ght ,oder&iH'tio& th't too$ !s +ro, the re'l e'rth( '&d th't th't is &ot o$'y( =e 're s'yi&g th't =e $&o= ,ore th'& <od. %or !s to s'y th't evol!tio& '&d ,oder&iH'tio& is &ot o$'y is hopeless. Everythi&g )h'&ges. A&d Re'lity is 'l='ys the highest order. Ho= do =e $&o=> Here it is. #e "egi& here( &o=. 8To hold o& is p'i&+!l( hopeless It )'&Ft "e do&e i& the physi)'l. #e )'ll it the p'st. 0!t holdi&g o& is =h't people try to do '&d itFs )'lled old 'ge( high "lood press!re( dise'se '&d itFs )'lled de'th. It 'll stops =he& I stop. Th'tFs =h't the poll!tio& o+ the e'rth is +orI =e )'& $&o= it &o= or =e )'& $&o= it =he& the 'ir '&d ='ter 're too poll!ted to s!st'i&. I ', the )'!seI '&y o&e o+ these ills is the e++e)t. It is o!r )hoi)e. Th't is =h't everythi&g is +or ? ti,e( evol!tio&( eve& o!r pl'&et. All the s',e. The e'rth is yo!r "ody( ' per+e)t re+le)tio& o+ ,i&d. oll!tio& is the voi)e th't s'ys( 87y d'rli&g( t'$e ' loo$ 't yo!r ,i&d. It is )ho$i&g yo! to de'th.: I ', seei&g =h't holds ,e "')$. I ', re'liHi&g =hy I do&Ft hold the '='re&ess o+ li+e i& its +!ll&ess. I 's$( 8I+ I +e'r s!))ess '&d "elieve i& +'il!re( is th't to s'y I resist evol!tio&>: 9B A CRY IN THE DESERT 8Yes. It s'ys th't the p'st eDists '&d it s'ys th't the +!t!re eDists. A&d to step i&to the +!t!re( =hi)h is =h't yo! h've )re'ted 's the res!lt o+ ho= yo! ,isi&terpreted the p'st( is terror.: 8A&d i+ =e "elieve i& ti,e( =eEre i& "o&d'ge to it>: 8Yes. Yo! 're i& the "o&d'ge o+ ' p'st( see&( "!t &ever h'vi&g eDisted eD)ept thro!gh yo!r i&terpret'tio& o+ =h't yo! thi&$ h'ppe&ed( &ot =h't re'lly h'ppe&ed. Th't is the dile,,'. A&d the res!lt is 'll the p'i& '&d s!++eri&g =e see i& peopleFs dyi&g. The l'st =ord is 'l='ys( 8Its &ot +'irJ: Th't respo&se is &ever goi&g to =or$ "e)'!se everythi&g is good. Everythi&g is 'lre'dy +'ir. ItFs G!st the eyes th't )'&Ft see it th't s!++er ? the eyes th't )'&Ft see =h't is. ;& this pl'&et there is o&ly '"!&d'&)e( the <'rde& o+ Ede&( he've& 'lso. A"ove 's "elo= ? the s',e. He've& is the higher tho!ght. 8%e'r is 'll '"o!t the +!t!re. The p'st does&Ft eDist '&y='y( eD)ept 's G'ded re+le)tio&. #e let go o+ i&terpret'tio&s '&d see liter'lly or =e die( "e)'!se livi&g i& the p'st( 's =e h've )o,e to i&terpret it( is G!st ' "ig "'ll o+ g!ilt '&d sh',e. To see '&d he'r liter'lly( =itho!t i&terpret'tio&( is to re,'i& 'geless ? i&+i&itely. 8'rti)!l'rly =ith reg'rd to this thi&g th't holds ,'&y )!lt!res i& its gr'sp. I+ =e o&ly )o!ld see this. ItFs &ot G!st ' N'tive A,eri)'& thi&g. All o+ !s hold so,ethi&g "')$ i& o!r )!lt!re( =hi)hever )!lt!re th't ,'y "e. #e preserve l'&g!'ge. #e preserve tr'ditio&s. #h't +or> So =e )'& stop )h'&ge th't )'&Ft "e stopped. So =e )'& "e sep'r'te. So I )'& "e di++ere&t +ro, yo!. So I )'& $&o= ,ore. So o+ )o!rse it h!rts =he& =e try to live '&d "e so,ethi&g th't is&Ft( th't does&Ft eDist. 8#e &eed to ,ove i&to the prese&t. Th'tFs =h't evol!tio& ,e'&s. ItFs G!st seei&g #h't Is ? re'lly. ItFs the 95 ')t o+ livi&g +!lly i& the prese&t( +!lly evolved to =h't is o!r 6lti,'te Ho,e ? 's it re'lly is ? &o=.: %or t=o d'ys I =o&der '"o!t the )o&&e)tio&s "et=ee& preservi&g "odies '&d tr'ditio&s( strivi&g to='rd s!))ess( =orryi&g '"o!t +'il!re '&d( "y livi&g i& the +e'r this )'!ses( ,issi&g ,y li+e 'ltogether '&d t!r&i&g evol!tio& "')$ o& itsel+. The se)o&d &ight I go to sleep =ith the =ord form o& ,y ,i&d. 8Do&Ft )li&g to +or,s(: so,ethi&g i& ,e s'ys. 8%or,s )h'&ge. 0ei&g is eter&'l.: #he& I '='$e i& the ,or&i&g( the s!& shi&es i&to ,y roo, thro!gh the gold '&d r!sset le'ves o+ ,y S=eet <!, tree. ItFs the l'st d'y o+ Nove,"erI i& '&other =ee$ the "r'&)hes =ill "e "'re. 0irds si&g. A dog "'r$s. A tr!)$ r!,"les do=& the street. 7y e,pty sto,')h r!,"les to "e +ed. A $'leidos)ope o+ +or,s. S!dde&ly I gr'sp =h't h'd see,ed to ,e to "e ' )o&tr'di)tio& i& 0yro&Fs t'l$ '"o!t the "ody. ;& the o&e h'&d she tells ,e I ', &ot ,y "ody. ;& the other h'&d( I i&terpret th't she e,ph'siHes tre'ti&g o!r "odies =ell( +eedi&g the, =ith livi&g +oods( givi&g the, p!re +l!ids( eDer)isi&g( e&Goyi&g everythi&g the "ody )'& do. There is &o di)hoto,y. This =hole =orld( i&)l!di&g ,y "ody( is +or, ? ,!lti)olored( v'ried( d'&)i&g( )h'&gi&g +or,. Cli&gi&g stops the d'&)e. The d'&)e is the +!ll&ess o+ li+e 't every ,o,e&t. To +o)!s o& the +or,( to stop it "e)'!se o+ +e'r( "e)'!se I &eed to "e i& )o&trol o+ =h't I )'& &ever !&derst'&d( is =h't =e )'ll dise'se( poll!tio&( )!lt!r'l de)li&e. The +or,s !&+old( spir'l o!t( ' +l!rry o+ le'ves o& ' =hirl=i&d. 0yro& tells ,e( 8Yes. This ,i&d is the +or, "ody t'$es 's ,e. This "ody( perso&'l or )!lt!r'l( is ,y te')her. 0ody +ollo=s '&d re+le)ts ,i&d.: 0ody tells ,e =here IF, holdi&g o&( stoppi&g the +lo= o+ li+e. It 9A A CRY IN THE DESERT tighte&s !p( resists. 7y =or$ i& this =orld is to !&tie $&ots ,y s,'ll ,i&d h's ,'de i& the ,ist'$e& e++ort to $eep ,e s'+e. 7y =or$ is to ho&or this "e'!ti+!l "ody( 'llo=i&g it to !&+old '))ordi&g to ' Higher 7i&d th'& the ,i&d IFve )re'ted =ithi& ,ysel+. 7y =or$ is to give this "odily +or, =h't it &eeds( ' s'&e ,i&d. The& "ody ,!st !&+old 't the speed th't 0ei&g ,oves. This !&+oldi&g is to "e =h't is livi&g( ')tive( .oyo!s. To "e 9ove. As everythi&g is lived( let it go. 7ove o& to the &eDt step i& the d'&)e. #hirl =ith the le'ves. Spi& =ith the pl'&ets. Shi&e. #e 're the st'rs. I re,e,"er( s!dde&ly( =h't 0yro& -'tie o&)e s'id: 8Yo! h've the )hoi)e to see the Re'lity o+ the ,o,e&t or the )hoi)e to proGe)t o&to it the per)eived p'st or +!t!re. It 'ppe'rs the p'st h's h'ppe&ed i& its o=& ,o,e&ts o+ ti,e '&d is !&)h'&ge'"le( "!t to see it 'g'i& 's it re'lly h'ppe&ed is to )h'&ge it ? there+ore it is )h'&ge'"le. The +!t!re is deter,i&ed 's yo! i&terpreted the p'st. #e 're o&ly this ,o,e&t i& Re'lity. Everyo&e )'& le'r& to live 's the ,o,e&t( to )'t)h everythi&g 's the ,o,e&t( to love =h't is i& +ro&t o+ yo! 's yo!. The ,ir')le o+ 9ove( o+ #h't Is( )o,es to yo! i& the prese&)e o+ the !&i&terpreted ,o,e&t. I+ yo! 're o!t o+ the Re'lity o+ the ,o,e&t( yo! ,iss re'l li+e. 0e the ,o,e&t '&d eDperie&)e the .oy '&d 9ove th't yo! 're. I+ yo! 're i& the !&i&terpreted ,o,e&t( yo!r "ody is 'l='ys 'v'il'"le 's the p!rpose it &eeds to serve. No= is the res!lt o+ the ,ir')le th't h'ppe&s. This is 'll there is '&d 'll there ever =ill "e. This is "eyo&d i,'gi&'tio&. This is the si,ply o"vio!s.: 96 H;9D THE 09ISS S'&dr' is ,y &eigh"or. #e sit( so,eti,es( i& her "')$y'rd ? 1 ' t'&gle o+ vi&es( her"s( "!shes( +lo=ers( '&d trees. E&glish Ivy hides the +e&)e sep'r'ti&g her ho!se +ro, the o&e "ehi&d. The +e&)e le'&s( =eighted do=&. A =or$,'&( +iDi&g her "'throo,( 'te his l!&)h i& the "')$y'rd '&d told her it re,i&ded hi, o+ The +ecret 1arden. He ,e'&t the t'&gle( the de&sity =here tre's!res ,ight "e +o!&d "y o&e =ho tre'ds lightly '&d )le'rs the thi)$et. S'&dr' does th't. She goes o!t there every d'y '&d )le'rs ' sp')e( gives roo, to ' +lo=er( digs !p ' pl'&t +ro, here '&d p!ts it there. #'ters thi&gs "y h'&d. SheFs ' ti&y =o,'&( thi&( pretty i& '& 'l'"'ster ='y. She !sed to "e ' &!& '&d so did I. This r'ther odd )oi&)ide&)e "ro!ght !s together i& the +irst pl')e. 8N!&s ,'$e "etter =ives(: she told ,e o&)e( l'!ghi&g. 8#eFve "ee& tr'i&ed to serve.: I re)oiled +ro, th't( perh'ps thi&$i&g o+ servi)e ,ore s!per+i)i'lly th'& she( '&d &ot 't 'll 's 0yro& -'tie thi&$s. 8I ', here to serve(: 0yro& tells !s. 8I ', 9ove. To serve yo! is .oy.: 0e+ore 0yro& e&tered o!r lives( S'&dr' '&d I visited seldo,. She =or$ed i& ' g'llery '&d( 't ho,e( h'd )hildre& gro=i&g !pI I h'd ,y =riti&g. Three( ,'y"e +o!r ti,es ' ye'r =e s't i& ,y "')$y'rd or hers '&d t'l$ed o+ )o&ve&ts or o+ esoteri) spirit!'l g',es li$e T'rot. #e h'd&Ft yet re')hed o&e '&otherFs so!ls. No= =e )he)$ i& =ith e')h other every d'y. S'&dr' lives o& the +i&e edge o+ li+e. She lives ,ore 'live th'& ,ost o+ !s. Her eyes shi&e. 9C A CRY IN THE DESERT This is the story she tells. It is her o=& voi)e. 8;& the d'y I ,et 0yro& I h'd "ee& ho,e +ro, the hospit'l +or t=o or three d'ys. I h'd ' ,'ste)to,y. I h'd ,y right "re'st re,oved. I $&e= they +o!&d )'&)er )ells i& eight o+ the te& ly,ph &odes they too$ o!t '&d th't it h'd spre'd "eyo&d the ly,ph &odes '&d th't the prog&osis ='s &ot good. I h'd 'lso st'rted 'lter&'tive ther'pies. I ='s i& ' st'te o+ !tter terror. IFd re'd so,e 0er&ie Siegel "oo$s '&d liste&ed to t'pes "e+oreh'&d( '&d IFd st'rted o& ' spe)i'l ,edit'tio&. I =o!ld get !p '&d ,edit'te '&d the& h've "re'$+'st( "!t "y th't ti,e the res!lts o+ the ,edit'tio& =o!ld h've =or& o++ '&d I &eeded '&other +iD '&d =o!ld ,edit'te '+ter "re'$+'st( '&d the& I ,ight p!t ' lo'd o+ )lothes i& the ='sh '&d "y the& IFd h've to go to "ed '&d ,edit'te 'g'i&. IFd ,edit'te '+ter l!&)h( '+ter di&&er( '&d "e+ore I =e&t to "ed. ;& the third d'y o+ this( I re'liHed th't I ='s still i& ' st'te o+ !tter terror. So I did ,y ,edit'tio&( th't ='s 'll I )o!ld do. A&d '+ter the ,edit'tio&( I s'id( 8I re'lly )'&&ot go o&.: I s'id( 8I &eed ' he'ler.: I )o!ld h'rdly "re'the. I &eed so,e"ody =ho )'&&ot G!st re'd yo!r '!r' '&d p't yo!r h'&d. I &eed o&e o+ those he'lers yo! re'd '"o!t =ho tr'++i)s "et=ee& =orlds. I &eed so,e"ody =hoFs "ee& to the other side '&d h's )o,e "')$ '&d =ho $&o=s yo! )'& go there '&d yo! )'& )o,e "')$.: I +i&ished the ,edit'tio& '&d ='s still lyi&g i& "ed "e)'!se I ='s very =e'$ '&d tired. The& the pho&e r'&g '&d it ='s Christi&. Christi& lives t=o ho!ses do=& +ro, ,y ho!se '&d I $&e= her "e)'!se o+ th't. Christi& is '& eD&!& '&d IF, '& eD&!& '&d =e h'd t'l$ed o& '&d o++( "!t =e =ere &ot 92 good +rie&ds. I ='s "!sy =ith ,y )hildre& '&d =ith ,y Go"I '&d Christi&( I 'l='ys tho!ght( ='s =riti&g !p i& her roo,( '&d I did&Ft ='&t to "other her. I !sed to thi&$ th't =h't Christi& ='s doi&g ='s too i,port'&t to "other her. This p'rti)!l'r ,or&i&g Christi& )'lled ,e o& the pho&e '&d she s'id( 8S'&dr'( 're yo! !p>: A&d I s'id( I =ill "e shortly. I G!st +i&ished ,y ,edit'tio&.: She s'id( 8I &eed to )o,e over.: A&d over she )',e =ith her" te' o& ' lovely tr'y =ith t=o s=eet little )!ps '&d ' rose. A&d she told ,e the story o+ ho= she h'd "ee& =ith 0yro&. She h'd &ever ,et '&yo&e li$e her( '&d she eDpl'i&ed =h't 0yro& did. I s'id th't I h'd G!st 's$ed +or ' he'ler( o&e =ho tr'++i)$ed "et=ee& =orlds. No=( '&y other he'ler( '&y other perso&( I =o!ld h've dis,issed( "!t this =o,'&Fs story ='s so eDtr'ordi&'ry th't I $&e= it ='s ' dire)t '&s=er to ,y ,edit'tio& o&ly '"o!t te& ,i&!tes e'rlier. It ='s so +'st( '&d s!)h ' dire)t hit o& =h't I h'd 's$ed +or th't I $&e= I sho!ld eve&t!'lly )o&t')t this perso&. Christi& s'id( I thi&$ yo! sho!ld )'ll her. SheFs i& to=&.: I 'lre'dy respe)ted the po=er '&d gre't&ess o+ this =o,'& +ro, Christi&Fs story '&d the e++e)t she h'd o& Christi&( "!t I did&Ft +eel th't yo! )o!ld G!st )'ll so,eo&e li$e this o& the pho&e. I +elt yo! h'd to "e ' gre'ter perso& th'& I ='s. 0!t Christi& s'id( 8No( I thi&$ th't yo! sho!ld )'ll her.: A&d "e)'!se it ='s so )lose( everythi&g ='s so )lose( I )'lled her. A l'dy '&s=ered the pho&e '&d s'id( 8#ell( =hy do&Ft yo! t'l$ to 0yro&>: =hi)h 'sto!&ded ,e 'g'i& '&d it 'sto!&ded ,e th't 0yro& t'l$ed '&d it 'sto!&ded ,e th't 0yro& s'id( 8;h( =ell =e G!st h've to get the gro)eries +or the retre't =eFre h'vi&g '&d the& =eFll stop 't yo!r ho!se. Yo! live "y Christi&I =eFll $&o= ho= to +i&d it.: 99 A CRY IN THE DESERT 0y eleve& oF)lo)$ this =o,'& ='l$ed i&to ,y ho!se '&d she ='s "e'!ti+!lJ This is the thi&g yo! h've to re'liHe '"o!t 0yro&( th't she is "e'!ti+!l. Yo! do&Ft eDpe)t so,eo&e =ho is so +'r o!t to "e so "e'!ti+!l. She h's =o&der+!l eyes '&d she '))e&ts the,. She g've ,e this h!ge h!g( =hi)h I )o!ld&Ft re)eive. I +elt li$e ' dro=&ed p!ppy or o&e th't ='s dro=&i&g ? '&d I loo$ed li$e o&e. I still h'd the "'&d'ge 'ro!&d ,y 'r, '&d ='s ' &ervo!s =re)$( '&d so I )o!ld&Ft re)eive the h!g. The& she "eg'& this *!estio&i&g. She s'id( 8;$'y( ho&ey.: She s'id( 8;hhhh( Ho&1&eeeey(: '&d g've ,e '&other h!ge( h!ge h!g. 0yro&Fs h!gs 're gre't h!gs( '&d yo! re'liHe e')h ti,e yo! get o&e th't yo!Fre getti&g ,ore th'& yo! got the l'st ti,e. She s't do=& &eDt to ,e i& ,y livi&g roo, '&d she s'id( 8#h't did yo! thi&$ o+ over there>: I s'id( 8#ell( I ='s thi&$i&g( i+ yo! 're 's gre't 's Christi& s'id( ho= )o,e I did&Ft +eel ,ore =he& yo! h!gged ,e>: She s'id( 8I +elt th't too. Th'tFs "e)'!se yo! )'&Ft let !s i&.: As this So)r'tes type o+ *!estio&i&g =e&t o&( she s'id( 8So +'r yo! h've&Ft let !s i&. 0!t yo! h'd this oper'tio& th't is( i& ' se&se( li$e ' hole thro!gh =hi)h yo!Fll "e '"le to let the love i&.: I& o&e o+ ,y ,edit'tio&s 't the ti,e I h'd the l!,pe)to,y( "e+ore the ,'ste)to,y( I he'rd the s',e thi&g. I he'rd ' voi)e the& th't s'id( 8This is good "e)'!se there 're 'll these people =ho love yo! '&d yo! =o&Ft let the, i&.: 0yro& "eg'& de'li&g =ith ,y +e'r o+ de'th. The "iggest thi&g '"o!t de'th +or ,e ='s &ot th't I =o!ld die "!t the grie+ th't ,y +',ily =o!ld +eel =he& I did. 133 She s'id( 8;$'y. #h't =o!ld h'ppe& to th't d'!ghter o+ yo!rs =ho is i& the $it)he& i+ yo! died>: 8#ell( she =o!ld "e very s'd.: 8Yes( '&d the& =h't =o!ld h'ppe&>: 8She =o!ld get over itI she =o!ld h've to. 0!t she =o!ld get over it.: The& 0yro& s'id o&)e 'g'i&: 8Tell ,e yo!r tho!ghtsJ: 8I ', spe&di&g 'll o+ ,y ti,e thi&$i&g '"o!t =hether to !se 'lter&'tive he'li&g i&ste'd o+ )he,other'py to he'l the )'&)er.: She loo$ed 't ,e =ith those )ryst'l eyes '&d s'id( 8It is 'lre'dy he'led.: 8Yo! $&o= th't>: I 's$ed. 8I $&o= th't(: she s'id. 8Th'&$ yo! +or &ot 's$i&g ,e =h't ,y g!t +eeli&g is. I h've &o g!t +eeli&gs. I ', "eyo&d g!t +eeli&gs. I do&Ft $&o= =h't to thi&$.: 8<ood.: 8<ood>: 8Yes(: she s'id( 8It ,e'&s yo! 're re'dy to "egi&.: The& she spo$e o+ <odFs per+e)tio&( '&d ,i&e 's <odFs )re'tio&. I& the 7i&d o+ <od( I still eDist 's per+e)t. It is =he& I le've th't 7i&d( step 'side +ro, th't pl')e o+ love '&d pe')e '&d Goy th't si)$&ess o))!rs. 8A&y !&)o,+ort'"le tho!ght is ' $iller o+ the "ody. #he& yo! ,ove "')$ to th't pl')e o+ pe')e the "ody is 'lre'dy he'led.: This is the se&se o+ =h't she s'id to ,e. 8Yes( "!t ho= do I get "')$ there>: I ='&ted to $&o=. She eDpl'i&ed "rie+ly so,e tr'ditio&'l ,e'&s o+ ,edit'tio&. I )'lled it "liss. She s'id( 8Yes( ho&ey. Hold the "liss.: 131 A CRY IN THE DESERT Th't does&Ft see,( I g!ess( very ,e'&i&g+!l( "!t G!st her t'$i&g ,e thro!gh th't pro)ess( getti&g ,e to th't pl')e( helped ,e so ,!)h. The& she 's$ed i+ I h'd '&y *!estio&s '"o!t her. A&d she eDpl'i&ed 's ,!)h 's she )o!ld to so,eo&e =ho ='s i& ' highly &ervo!s st'te '&d =ho )o!ld o&ly '))ept ' s,'ll ',o!&t. She t'l$ed o+ ho= she tr'++i)$ed "et=ee& =orlds ? she ='s t'l$i&g '"o!t ' d!)$ they s'= th't ,or&i&g o& their ='l$ '&d ho= she G!st $i&d o+ dissolved( "le&ded i&to her s!rro!&di&gs '&d i&to th't d!)$ '&d "')$ 'g'i& '&d 'lso i&to ,e. A&d she "rie+ly des)ri"ed her li+e history '&d ho= seve& ye'rs e'rlier she h'd "ee& ' very !&h'ppy perso&. %ro, th't I "eg'& to see th't her terror '&d her +e'r )ert'i&ly h'd "ee& 's gre't 's ,y +e'r. She eDpl'i&ed the "liss '&d ho= she +o!&d it. A&d she s'id( 8No=( do yo! h've '&y *!estio&s>: 8Yes(: I s'id( 8I do&Ft thi&$ th't I )'& do this.: So =e =or$ed ' =hile =ith th't( '&d she eDpl'i&ed the tr'ditio&'l 0!ddhist ='y o+ )e&teri&g( "!t I )o!ld tell th't this ='s&Ft eD')tly the ='y she did it. Si&)e the&( "y liste&i&g to 0yro&( I h've ' se&se o+ =h't she does '&d ho= to do it. She s'id( 's she ='s le'vi&g( 8Hold the "liss.: She loo$ed 't ,e '&d she s'id( 8Hold the "liss.: I s'id( 8#h't ', I goi&g to do =he& I G!st p'&i) 's I do siD or seve& ti,es ' d'y>: She s'id( 8Hold the "lissJ: Th'tFs =h't I did 'll th't d'y. A+ter ' =hile =he& yo! 're sitti&g =ith her( she see,s to tr'&s+er th't high st'te o+ e&ergy to yo!. I )o!ld +eel th't sheFd helped ,e rel'D ' little. Not th't she +elt I &eeded it( "!t it ='s e'sier( $i&d o+ li$e ' ,edi)'tio&( e'sier( ' &i)e thi&g( ' "o&!s( +!&( &ot re'lly &e)ess'ry. It ='s&Ft ' h'rd thi&g +or her to do '&d she did it. All th't d'y I held the "liss( 134 '&d I +elt she ='s thi&$i&g o+ ,e '&d helpi&g ,e '&d th'tFs ho= I $&e= I )o!ld do it. As she le+t I s'id( 80yro&( ,'y I p'y yo! +or this> Is there '&ythi&g I )'& give yo!>: She s'id( 8Yo! )'& rep'y ,e "y doi&g The #or$. ItFs very i,port'&t th't yo! do this so th't other people )'& le'r&.: I $&o= there ='s so,ethi&g else th't she s'id '"o!t this. She ='s so si&)ere i& the ='y th't she s'id thisI it ='s&Ft ' pio!s thi&gI it ='s G!st li$e it ='s tr!eI I sho!ld do this. I did&Ft thi&$ it so!&ded str'&ge. The& I s'id( 8C'& I give yo! ' +lo=er>: So ,'&y +lo=ers =ere se&t to ,e 't the hospit'l. A&d she +elt )o,+ort'"le t'$i&g ' s,'ll S'+e='y v'riety )hrys'&the,!,( '&d she s'id( 8IFll t'$e this "e)'!se it =ill re,i&d ,e o+ yo!.: She h'd gre't love '&d respe)t +or ,e( '&d it ='s =o&der+!l +or ,e th't so,eo&e li$e this )o!ld "e ,y +rie&d. I $&e= IFd "ee& loo$i&g +or this '&d +or her 'll ,y li+e. It ,'de !lti,'te se&se. %ro, the& o& I !sed ,y 'lter&'tive ther'py '&d i& +o!r ,o&ths 'll i&di)'tio&s =ere th't I h'd &o )'&)er i& ,y "ody. I $ept =or$i&g =ith 0yro&. A"o!t t=o or three ,o&ths l'ter I ='s '"le to ,'$e ' retre't =ith 0yro& '&d I le'r&ed The #or$. Doi&g it =ith her ='s the ,ost po=er+!l thi&g. IFd st'rted A (ourse In )iracles* 't Christi&Fs re)o,,e&d'tio& '&d h'd "eg!& doi&g the d'ily lesso&s( "!t it ='s&Ft !&til the retre't =ith 0yro& th't 1 +elt IFd re'lly Goi&ed the h!,'& r')e. It ='s the ,ost li"er'ti&g eDperie&)e. Thi&gs th't )'& so!&d li$e pl'tit!des ? +orgive&ess( !&)o&ditio&'l love ? =ere ,'de )le'r. I )o!ld +eel the,I I )o!ld !&derst'&d thi&gs th't h'd&Ft ,'de se&se "e+ore. #he& I tho!ght '"o!t p'ss'ges +ro, the 0i"le th't IFd he'rd 'll ,y li+e( they =ere give& &e= 13B A CRY IN THE DESERT ,e'&i&g. 0yro& told !s =e )o!ld )'ll her 't her ho,e '&y ti,e =e ='&ted( '&d I $&e= th't she ,e'&t it( "!t I h've &ever do&e th't. I thi&$ I 'l='ys $&e= th't 'll I re'lly h'd to do ='s )o&)e&tr'te o& her '&d I =o!ld "e t'ppi&g i&to the So!r)e. Th'tFs =h't IFve 'l='ys do&e. So =hile it =o!ld "e very &i)e to "e =ith her( '&d I thi&$ th't there =ill "e ' ti,e( 'g'i&( =he& I =ill "e ? '&d I )o!ld re'lly !se it "e)'!se I short)!t the pro)ess o+te&( '&d I thi&$ IF, short1)ir)!iti&g ,ysel+ th't ='y ? &evertheless IFve h'd so,e re,'r$'"le thi&gs h'ppe&. ;& the l'st d'y o+ the retre't I s'id( 80yro&( 's yo!Fre spe'$i&g I +eel 'll this gre't '&ger i& ,y )hest '&d I do&Ft eve& $&o= =h't IF, '&gry '"o!t.: 8Yes.: She s'id. 8Yo! h've to go ho,e '&d ,'$e ' list o+ every"ody yo!Fve ever "ee& '&gry 't.: I s'id( 8Th'tFll "e ' lo&g listJ 8 I ='s sort o+ +lip. She s'id( 8Yes( it =ill "e.: A&d yes( it ='sJ I st'rted thi&$i&g o+ 'll these people '&d pretty soo& it o))!rred to ,e th't i+ I =ere l!)$y( so,e o+ these people =o!ld "e de'd. I )o!ld =or$ thro!gh the pro)ess( '&d I =o!ld&Ft h've to do the l'st step th't 0yro& i&di)'ted. She s'id( 8#he& yo! +i&ish =or$i&g thro!gh the pro)ess( )'ll the,. Yo! h've to )'ll the,.: #hile itFs =o&der+!l '&d e'sy to do the other thi&gs( to )'ll the, is re'lly h'rd. I h've '& '!&t =ho ='s li$e ' ,other to ,e. I& +')t( I 'l='ys g've her )'rds o& 7otherFs D'y '&d )'lled her ,y other ,other. IFd =rite th't i& the )'rd. She h'd &o )hildre& '&d she ='s very good to ,e '&d to ,y sister. 0!t =he& I le+t the )o&ve&t '&d ,'rried ,y h!s"'&d =ho is '& A+ri)'& A,eri)'&( ,y ,other told this '!&t the terri"le thi&g I h'd do&e to the +',ily '&d told her &ot to tell '&y"ody. No=( 's ,y +',ily =or$s( she did &ot tell '&y"ody '&d so +'r 's she ='s )o&)er&ed I ='s 135 de'd. I thi&$ ,y ,other told the &eigh"ors th't I ='s ' ,issio&'ry i& 0r'Hil or so,ethi&g. I ='s de'd. I se&t ,y '!&t ' p')$'ge +ro, C'li+or&i' +or Christ,'s '&d she &ever se&t ' th'&$ yo! &ote ? this is &ot ' +',ily th't is $i&d o+ ditsy '&d does &ot se&d th'&$ yo! &otes. They se&d th'&$ yo! &otesI they $&o= &!,"ersI they $eep i& to!)h. Everythi&g. I se&t her ' )'rd +or her "irthd'y. It ='s &ever ')$&o=ledged. She $&e= ,y &!,"erI she $&e= ,y 'ddress. A&d I ='s G!st ge&er'lly o!t o+ the +',ily ? ,y ,other ='s &ot t'l$i&g to ,e 't this ti,e either. 7y +'ther ='s&Ft t'l$i&g to ,e. Eve& tho!gh I +or +org've ,y ,other "e)'!se ,y ,other lives here i& C'li+or&i' '&d IF, )lose to her '&d ='&ted her gr'&d)hildre& to $&o= her( I &ever +org've ,y '!&t. A+ter ,'&y ye'rs o+ &ot )o,,!&i)'ti&g =ith ,y '!&t( I )'lled her o&e d'y( o& i,p!lse( '&d =e h'd ' ple's'&t eD)h'&ge. A+ter th't( +ro, ti,e to ti,e( I )'lled her( "!t she &ever too$ the i&iti'tive to )'ll ,e. ;& o&e o))'sio& I ='s o& the pho&e =ith her h!s"'&d( ,y !&)le. #he& ,y !&)le 's$ed ,e ho= ,y h!s"'&d ='s( I s'id( 8;h( =o!ld yo! li$e to t'l$ to hi,( heFs right hereJ: 7y h!s"'&d too$ the pho&e( "!t ,y !&)le h'd h!&g !p. A&d ,y h!s"'&d s'id( 8He h!&g !p o& ,e.: I +o!&d it very h'rd to +orgive this =o,'& !&til I =e&t thro!gh =h't 0yro& )'lls The #or$. I& The #or$ 0yro& 's$s yo! to "e three ye'rs old. No= ,y r'tio&'l ,i&d $&o=s I h've +orgive&( th't this is ' silly thi&g '&d re'lly ,y '!&t is ' silly =o,'& '&d I h've +orgive& herI ,y r'tio&'l ,i&d $&o=s I h've( "!t +or 0yro&Fs s'$e IF, goi&g to go thro!gh this pro)ess. I tried to get "')$ to ,y re'l +eeli&gs o+ '&ger ? those I +elt 't the ti,e. It ='s h'rd "e)'!se I ='s ' r'tio&'l perso& '&d $&e= th't I h'd )le'red this. So I 13A A CRY IN THE DESERT pr'yed( ')t!'lly pr'yed +or the gr')e to get i& th't st'te 'g'i& '&d s!re e&o!gh( '+ter t=o or three d'ys o+ thi&$i&g o+ this( 'll o+ ' s!dde& it )',e( '&d I +elt every "it o+ the '&ger th't I h'd i&iti'lly +elt '&d th't I +elt d!ri&g 'll the ye'rs "e+ore I t!)$ed it '='y. #ith th't I ='s '"le to =or$ thro!gh the pro)ess. #he& I got to the e&d( I $&e= I h'd to ,'$e th't )'ll '&d it ='s &ot e'sy. I "re'thed he'vily '&d ,edit'ted '&d ,edit'ted. %i&'lly I G!st di'led her &!,"er '&d h'd the ,ost ,'rvelo!s t'l$ =ith this =o,'&. ;&)e( ' +e= ye'rs 'go( ,y ,o, h'd s'id( 8Yo! $&o=( yo! h've do&e so ,'&y thi&gs so =ell i& yo!r li+e. Yo!Fre G!st li$e yo!r '!&t.: A&d IFd s'id( 8I do&Ft ='&t to "e li$e her 't 'llJ: Th't )o&vers'tio& =ith ,y ,o, got ,e to thi&$i&g '"o!t the ,'&y thi&gs I i&iti'lly 'd,ired '"o!t ,y '!&t. SheFs eighty1seve& ye'rs old '&d G!st this ye'r h's de)ided &ot to h've ' +!ll g'rde&. SheFs still =or$i&g 'ro!&d the ho!se '&d d'&)es 't the +ire,'&Fs )l!" '&d is G!st ' dy&',o o+ ' perso&. I ='s ')t!'lly e&Goyi&g this 8+orgive&ess: )'ll. 7y '!&t t'l$ed '"o!t her "elie+ i& .es!s '&d ho= it gets her thro!gh '&d her s'd&ess =he& her h!s"'&d died '&d I ='s '"le to sy,p'thiHe. 0!t s!dde&ly( 't the e&d o+ the )o&vers'tio&( she s'id( 8So ho= is the +',ily>: So I told her =h't ,y h!s"'&d '&d ,y )hildre& =ere doi&g. A&d she s'id( 8;h &o. NoJ Yo! ,e'& ? ;HJ Yo!Fre &ot )'lli&g +ro, yo!r ,otherFs ? +ro, yo!r ho,e>: A&d I s'id( 8Yo! thi&$ IF, )'lli&g +ro, ,y ,otherFs> No( IF, &ot. Did yo! ,e'&( ho= 're ,y ,other '&d ,y "rother '&d sister =he& yo! 's$ed '"o!t ,y +',ily>: 136 A&d she s'id( 8#ell( yesJ: I ='s st!&&ed. Did she still "elieve I h'd &ever ,'rried> Th't I did&Ft h've '& A+ri)'& A,eri)'& h!s"'&d or t=o ,iDed )hildre&( lovely 's they 're '&d t'le&ted> This +orgive&ess loo$ed 's i+ it ,ight e&t'il ' little ,ore th'& I h'd "'rg'i&ed +or. I eDpl'i&ed th't ,y ,other '&d sister '&d "rother =ere very =ell. A&d 'll o+ their )hildre&( to =ho, she se&ds "irthd'y )'rds every ye'r( they =ere 'lso very =ell. I re'liHed th't i& her ,i&d ,y )hildre& ,ight &ever eDist. Nor ,y h!s"'&d. She ,ight &ever re)og&iHe ,y ,'rri'ge. Still she =o!ld 'l='ys "e gl'd th't she he'rd ,y voi)e '&d th't =e t'l$ed. It "eg'& to d'=& o& ,e th't her vie= o+ ,y li+e did&Ft ,'tter. I )o!ld +orgive her '&d "e h'ppy '&d let it go. It too$ ,e ' +e= ,i&!tes '+ter I got o++ th't pho&e to re'liHe this. I ='s s'yi&g( 8#ho'.... I G!st do&Ft $&o=. This is G!st 's$i&g too ,!)h.: 0!t I ='s +i&'lly '"le to let it 'll go '&d it ='s&Ft h'rd to do. It ='s the ,ost =o&der+!l +eeli&g( '&d itFs the ,ost =o&der+!l pro)ess. I )o&ti&!e to do A (ourse In )iracles*( "!t 's IFve "eg!& to +eel "etter( 's ,y he'lth h's i,proved( IF, ,ore '&d ,ore distr')ted. I do&Ft ,eet e')h d'y +ro, the )e&ter( +ro, the "liss. I+ I do&Ft( I re'liHe th't =ell( I G!st h've to( &o=. It ='s "e)'!se &othi&g ='s =or$i&g "e+ore th't I ='s '"le to e,"r')e this so he'rtily. A (ourse In )iracles* s'ys th't the re'so& yo!Fre '&gry is &ot the re'so& yo! thi&$. I +o!&d o!t the tr!th o+ th't. #h't I ='s seei&g ='s&Ft re'lly =h't I tho!ght I ='s seei&g. A&d "e)'!se IFd r!& !p 'g'i&st s!)h ' de'd e&d( I h'd &o=here else to go. Th'tFs the re'so& I ='s '"le to +i&d this. 0!t &o= I h've to go "')$ 'g'i& "e)'!se I )'&Ft 13C A CRY IN THE DESERT res!,e ,y li+e the ='y it ='s. ItFs G!st &ot possi"le '&y ,ore. Tod'y( "e+ore I st'rted re,e,"eri&g this( I ='s i& ' p'rti)!l'rly 'git'ted st'te( '&d p'rt o+ it h's to do =ith vit',i& pills. IFd stopped t'$i&g the, +or ' =hile '&d they re'lly 'ggr'v'ted ,y liver '&d i& Chi&ese ,edi)i&e the liver is the se't o+ '&ger. I ='s re'lly '&gry =ith ,y tee&'ge so& =ho h'd&Ft respo&si"ly do&e thi&gs he sho!ld h've do&e 'ro!&d the ho!se. I G!st get 'git'ted =he& I t'$e +oods or ,edi)i&es I )'&Ft toler'te. At this poi&t IF, )o&vi&)ed th't the liver is the se't o+ '&ger '&d I h've ' lot o+ )le'ri&g to do yet. I $&o= there is ' ='y to do it &o=( '&d IF, so gr'te+!l to h've this pro)ess th't I 'l,ost l'!gh =he& I get '&gry "e)'!se I $&o= th't IFll go "')$ +!ll +or)e i&to The #or$ '&d I $&o= the Goy th't =ill "e there +or ,e =he& I do it. ItFs '& eD)iti&g thi&g. So i& the ,iddle o+ ,y 'git'tio& '&d depressio&( 't the deepest poi&t( IF, 'lre'dy "egi&&i&g to +eel the Goy th't =ill "e there =he& I )o,e o!t o+ it. I $&o= itFs li$e ' tip1o++( li$e =he& it !sed to r'i&( the& IFd $&o= IFd get to re'd ,y &ovels "e)'!se IFd set 'side th't ti,e. So I $&o= =he& I get this 'git'ted the& I get to go i&to "liss 'g'i&. Th'tFs =h't 0yro& does +or ,e. Thro!gho!t 'll this I see her 's ' very h!,'& perso& '&d 's ' +rie&d. 7y do)tor 's$ed +or her &',eI ,y o&)ologist 's$ed =h't h'ppe&ed to ,e the d'y '+ter IFd do&e this retre't =ith 0yro&( '&d 'll I )o!ld s'y ='s( 8#ell( itFs $i&d o+ di++ere&t. At the "otto, o+ everythi&g is love '&d &o&G!dg,e&t o+ other people.: He G!st loo$ed 't ,e '&d shoo$ his he'd( "!t he $&e= th't I ='s di++ere&t '&d heFd &ever see& ,e li$e th't. #he& I try to eDpl'i& The #or$ to so,eo&e( I 'l='ys +'il. They do&Ft see, to !&derst'&d it( '&d I do&Ft 132 thi&$ I !&derst'&d it very =ell( ,ysel+( "e)'!se I do&Ft see, to "e '"le to eDpl'i& it. 0!t people h've see& =h't ' di++ere&)e it h's ,'de i& ,e. I G!st h've so ,!)h ,ore Goy i& li+e. ItFs &ot th't IFve +ig!red o!t =h't IF, s!pposed to do i& li+e or =h't IF, s!pposed to "e or =h't IF, s!pposed to !se ,y ,i&d +or. These =ere 'l='ys "ig *!estio&s +or ,e '&d every &o= '&d the& IFd =o&der. IFd =o&der =h't I ='s s!pposed to "e doi&g. ;r IFd get &ervo!s '"o!t ,o&ey. 0!t these thi&gs 're&Ft so "ig '&y,ore. IF, G!st h'ppy to "e here 't the st'rti&g poi&t =ith this "liss. Thi&gs G!st +'ll i&to li&e. There 're ' lot o+ thi&gs IFve +orgotte& th't )o,e to ,e o))'sio&'lly. 0!t I thi&$ th't the ,'i& li&e is =he& 0yro& le+t ,e '&d s'id( 8Hold the "liss.: A&d I $&e= =here she h'd "ee&. A&d I $&e= I )o!ld do it. 0yro& is ' So& o+ <od. She is so,eo&e =ho re'liHes the tr!th o+ .es!sF s'yi&gs. She re'liHes the o&e&ess o+ 'll )re'tio&( her o&e&ess =ith )re'tio&( her o&e&ess =ith her "rother ? th't i&sight is so eDtr'ordi&'ry. A&d o+ )o!rse( Christ h'd it( "!t =he& yo! +eel it( the +reedo, is i&)redi"le( '&d the )o&&e)ted&ess ? ohJ I& +')t( I do&Ft $&o= =hy I do&Ft +eel it everyd'y li$e I did. ThereFs G!st &othi&g li$e it. I h've re'liHed thro!gh A (ourse In )iracles* th't yo! )'& sit 'll d'y o& ' ,o!&t'i&( 'll ye'r( t=o ye'rs "!t )'& 'tt'i& the s',e thi&g "y +orgive&ess o+ yo!r "rother. I& +orgive&ess I h've eDperie&)ed '& i&st'&t o&e&ess th't I h'd &ever eDperie&)ed "e+ore i& the ='y IF, eDperie&)i&g it &o=. All the people 'ro!&d ,e $&o= th't so,ethi&gFs di++ere&tI theyFre 'sto!&ded. I 'l='ys s'y( I =ish I )o!ld eDpl'i& itI I =ish I )o!ld "e ' te')her. ItFs h!,"li&g 'lsoI theyFre getti&g it. As IF, le'r&i&g it( theyFre 'lso getti&g it. IF, &ot telli&g the, '&ythi&g( "!t theyFre =or$i&g thro!gh their o=& '&ger. 139 A CRY IN THE DESERT TheyFre ,irrori&g ,e =itho!t ,y eve& $&o=i&g it( '&d theyFre =or$i&g thro!gh their o=& +e'r o+ de'th 't the s',e ti,e I ',( '&d their +e'r o+ ill&ess( '&d I do&Ft eve& $&o= itFs h'ppe&i&g. There is G!st so,ethi&g spre'di&g o!t +ro, ,e. Christ s'ys( 8I did it o&)e '&d +or 'll so &o= yo! do&Ft h've to do it.: ItFs li$e =he& yo! =or$ thro!gh so,ethi&g +or yo!rsel+ ? so,e '&ger or rese&t,e&t( so,e +e'r ? it is 'l,ost 's i+ ' perso& )lose to yo!( so,eo&e yo! i&ter')t =ith( does&Ft &eed to do it. 0e)'!se it is 's tho!gh th't perso& gets it 'll o+ ' s!dde& G!st "y "ei&g i& )o&t')t =ith yo!. Yo! do&Ft eve& &eed to t'l$ '"o!t it. This ,'y or ,'y &ot "e i& $eepi&g =ith Christi'& "elie+( "!t I $&o= ' lot o+ Christi'&s '&d IFve &ever h'd ' si&gle perso& dr'= "')$ '&d s'y( 8This so!&ds li$e the =or$ o+ the devil.: #he& I t'l$ '"o!t 0yro&( &o"ody ever thi&$s th't it is '&ythi&g "!t good. 113 ;EN HEART S'&dr'Fs story le'ds ,e ,ore deeply i&to ,y o=& =or$ o& +orgive&ess. I )'ll 0yro& =ith ' list o+ proposed )h'pter he'di&gs. I +eel ple'sed =ith ,y G!Dt'positio&s o+ 8there is&Ft ... there is@: 8There is &o "l',eI there is o&ly +orgive&ess.: 8No(: K-'tie s'idL. 8There is &o "l',eI there is &o +orgive&ess. There is o&ly seei&g the Tr!th( re'lly.: 8No +orgive&ess.: 8No( ho&ey.: No +orgive&ess> I tho!ght +orgive&ess is =h't sheFs "ee& t'l$i&g '"o!t. %orgive&ess. At the =or$shop I +ollo=ed the si,ple i&str!)tio&s o+ The #or$. I let ,ysel+ eDperie&)e ,y '&ger =ith the ,others i& ,y li+e: ,y o=& de'r Aly)e Rose( ,y &ovi)e ,istress( 7other A&& '&d( "y eDte&sio&( 7other Ch!r)h. I =rote do=& 'll they did th't i&G!red( 'll I ='&ted the, to do( 'll th't ,others sho!ld do( their respo&si"ility. The& 's per i&str!)tio&s( I reversed it 'll. I t!r&ed 'll th't 'ro!&d. I did =h't 0yro& -'tie )'lls "ri&gi&g it 'll "')$ ho,e. 8I did this th't i&G!red ,e... I ='&t ,e to do these thi&gs @ this is ,y respo&si"ility.: I str!ggled =ith it. I ='&ted to s'y &o. No( I did&Ft do it. They did it. They i&G!red ,e. The mothers 're to "l',e. There is &o "l',e. I'm to "l',e. No( there is &o "l',e. 0')$ '&d +orth =e&t the voi)es i& ,y he'd. I loo$ed 't 0yro&I she ='s s,ili&g 't ,e. 8Yes( ho&ey(: she ,!r,!red 's tho!gh she =ere re'di&g ,y ,i&d. 8Yes( ho&ey(: 's tho!gh she =ere spe'$i&g to so,ethi&g i& ,e ,ore tr!e th'& ,y ,i&d. I +ollo=ed the p'th o+ her '))ept'&)e o+ ,e i&to ,y he'rt. 111 A CRY IN THE DESERT So,ethi&g i&side t!r&ed !pside do=&. 0yro& )'lls it ' shi+t. 7y he'd +elt light. I see,ed to see the ,other "e+ore ,e( '&d she ='s ' )hild( doi&g her level "est =ith 'll the =isdo, 't her dispos'lI ,y he'rt ,oved to='rd her. 8SheFs G!st ' )hildJ: I s'id. I ='s )ryi&g. 8Yes( d'rli&g( yesJ: 0yro& )roo&ed. 8Yo!Fve got it. Yo! !&derst'&d. 9oo$( everyo&e. . .: she 'ddressed the others 't the =or$shop( 8She sees the i&&o)e&)e o+ the ,other. SheFs seei&g this +or 'll o+ !s.: I tho!ght she ,e'&t +orgive&ess. I tho!ght I +org've the ,others. 0!t &o= 0yro& tells ,e there is &o +orgive&ess. 7o&ths '+ter the =or$shop( 0yro& s't ')ross +ro, ,e i& the ,or&i&g light th't sl'&ted thro!gh the gl'ss doors '&d settled li$e ' pool i& her l'p. 8I+ I thi&$ yo! h've =ro&ged ,e(: 0yro& s'id( 8The& IFd "etter t'$e ' loo$ 't th't tho!ght "e)'!se yo! )'&&ot =ro&g ,e. Yo! )'& =ro&g yo!( "!t yo! )'&Ft =ro&g ,e. 8erh'ps so,eo&e i&sists th't I give her so,ethi&g or she =o&Ft "e ,y +rie&d '&y,ore. 9etFs s'y I do th't( I give it to her( "!t the& I go thro!gh li+e thi&$i&g( FShe ,'&ip!l'ted ,eI she tri)$ed ,e i&to givi&g ' it to herI she ='s o&ly &i)e to ,e i& order to get =h't she ='&ted. She =ro&ged ,e.F Th't ,'y 'll "e =ell '&d good( "!t th't =o&Ft set ,e +ree. The Tr!th sets ,e +ree '&d the Tr!th is( I g've it to her. I did th't to ,e. I g've +or the =ro&g re'so&. Nothi&g she )o!ld s'y or do )'& )h'&ge th't. I g've it to her. I )o!ld h've s'id &o. I )o!ld h've s'id( FIFll ris$ the +rie&dshipI IFll s'y &o.F #he& I see the Tr!th o+ th't( it lets her )o,pletely o++ the hoo$. I )'& see( F;h( I g've it to herI I did th't.F I& the sight o+ ,y 114 deed( her deed +'lls '='y. Her i&&o)e&)e is reve'led to ,e( '&d =e &',e th't revel'tio& o+ i&&o)e&)e forgieness. She 's$edI I s'id yes. %orgive her +or =h't>: #'it ' ,i&!te. 0l',e g!shed !p i&to ,y thro'tI I )o!ld t'ste it. IFd do&e th'tI lost +rie&ds th't ='y "y lyi&g i& '& 'tte,pt to $eep the,. S!dde&ly I +elt '&gry =ith 0yro&. I tho!ght she s'id there is &o "l',e. She ='s "l',i&g ,e ? telli&g ,e I o!ght to "l',e ,ysel+. 7y ,i&d did ' +!&&y t!r&. I loo$ed 't her. She ='s gri&&i&g. She ='s&Ft "l',i&g '&yo&e. The "l',e ='s i& ,e. I ='s doi&g it. I )o!ld&Ft "elieve ho= +'st I t!r&ed her story i& o&to ,ysel+ '&d "e't ,ysel+ !p =ith it. So,eho=( so,e=here I ')*!ired ' "elie+ th't +or every p'i&( +or every ill( +or every ,ist'$e( so,eo&e h's to t'$e the "l',e. I h'd spe&t ,!)h o+ ,y li+e '&d e&or,o!s e&ergy prote)ti&g ,ysel+ +ro, h'vi&g to "e th't "l',ed o&e. 0!t despite 'll ,y =ell1)o&str!)ted de+e&se( o&e little story )o!ld "re'$ thro!gh to ,y se)ret "elie+ ? I did itI IF, the "'d o&eI I )'!sed 'll the p'i&. Seei&g the i&&o)e&)e o+ the ,others ='s G!st the +irst step. Ho= )o!ld I see ,y o=& i&&o)e&)e> I $&e= I )o!ld&Ft( &ot so lo&g 's I held the "elie+ th't so,eo&e ='s to "l',e. At virt!'lly every o&e o+ 0yro& -'tieFs =or$shops( so,eo&e tells the story o+ )hildhood '"!se1seD!'l( physi)'l( e,otio&'l. 0yro& h's her o=& story o+ 8the ,olest: =he& she ='s three ye'rs old. The =o!&ds o+ people '"!sed 's )hildre& )ry o!t +or he'li&g. A +i+ty1ye'r1old =o,'& tells her story. She ='s so s,'ll. %o!r( ,'y"e +ive. She stood "y the =i&do=. Her 11B A CRY IN THE DESERT D'ddy s'id( 8Co,e here.: Her sto,')h t!r&ed. Her he'd "!HHed. She did&Ft ='&t to go. D'ddy ='s i& "ed. He did&Ft h've his )lothes. He ='s "ig. 7o,,y 'l='ys s'id( 8Do&Ft go o!tside =itho!t yo!r )lothesI it is&Ft right.: It ='s&Ft right +or D'ddy &ot to h've his )lothes. 0!t he s'id( 8Co,e here.: He ='s her d'ddy. I& the livi&g roo, o& S!&d'ys her d'ddy held her o& his l'p '&d re'd the +!&&y p'pers. He s,elled good. He +elt stro&g. S'+e. She )!ddled do=& i&to his 'r,s '&d her ,i&d dri+ted =ith the story o+ 9ittle ;rph'& A&&ie. She loved D'ddy so ,!)h. Ag'i& her d'ddy s'id( 8Co,e here.: Her sto,')h t!r&ed. She =e&t to hi,. I =o!ld h've do&e it too. I $&o= th'tFs tr!e 's I liste& to the =o,'&Fs story. SheFs )ryi&g. -'tieFs ,!r,!ri&g( 8Yes( ,y d'rli&g. Yes( ho&ey( 9et the te'rs )o,eI te'rs 're good. Yes( s=eethe'rt. Cry.: So ,'&y o+ !s. I thi&$ o+ =o,e& '&d ,e&( ,'&y o+ the, =ere ,y )lie&ts( ,'&y ,y +rie&ds. I thi&$ o+ the ye'rs they spe&t i& ther'py "e+ore they so!ght spirit!'l g!id'&)e hopi&g to "e set +ree. I thi&$ o+ the ye'rs they spe&t i& spirit!'l pr')ti)e( '&d the p'i& persists. 7y he'rt ope&s to the,. 7y he'rt ope&s to this =o,'&( here( i& this ,o,e&t. They 're i& ,eI they 're ,e. No di++ere&)e. H'd ,y d'ddy s'id( 8Co,e here(: I =o!ld h've do&e it too. I +eel ' shi+t. I did it. I 'lso =e&t =he& ,y he'rt s'id &o. 7'&y ti,es. I =e&t i& sit!'tio&s too &!,ero!s '&d too v'rio!s to des)ri"e. A, I( the&( to "l',e +or ,y p'i&> I loo$ 't the =o,'&. I see o&ly i&&o)e&)e. #h't does her i&&o)e&)e s'y o+ ,e> 8Yo!r +'ther s'id( FCo,e here(F '&d =h't did yo! do( ho&ey>: 0yro& is spe'$i&g so+tly to the =o,'&. 8I =e&t.: 8Yes. All he s'id ='s( FCo,e here.F A&d yo! =e&t 115 to hi,. Yo! did th't.: SheFs =hisperi&g. The 8Yo! did th't: is li$e ' )'ress. ItFs '& ho&ori&g. Choi)e is s')red. It is po=er+!l. It is '& ')t o+ love. The =o,'& st'res 't 0yro&. To ,e it +eels li$e the ,o,e&t( 't "irth( "e+ore the "'"y )ries. It is the ,o,e&t G!st "e+ore "re'th. The =o,'&Fs +')e 'ppe'rs to "e )'rved i& sto&e +or G!st th't ,o,e&t '&d the& rel'Des( "e)o,es +lesh. Her eyes gro= =ide. I did th'tJ: she )ries o!t. SheFs rele'sed. .oyo!s. ThereFs &o "l',e there. No&e 't 'll. 8Yes( ho&ey. Yo!Fve got itJ Yes.: 0yro&Fs voi)e is light 's 'ir. 8See ho= i&&o)e&t yo! 're. Yo!r +'ther si,ply s'id( FCo,e here(F '&d yo! G!st =e&t. Yo! si,ply ='&ted 9ove. Yo! did&Ft liste& to the ='r&i&g i& yo!r he'rt. Ho= )o!ld yo! $&o=> Yo! =ere 9ove '&s=eri&g the )'ll o+ 9ove =ithi& yo!rsel+.: 9'ter 0yro& 'tte,pted to eDpl'i& this to ,e. 8#he& she )o!ld see th't he G!st s'id( FCo,e hereF '&d th't it ='s she th't g've hersel+ "eyo&d =h't the voi)e =ithi& )o,,'&ded( the& she )o!ld see his p'rt ,ore )le'rly. She )o!ld see her p'rt ,ore )le'rly. +he s'id yesI th't ='s the lie. He si,ply 's$ed. It does&Ft ,e'& he =o!ld &ot h've ,'de her )o,e to hi,( "!t she )'&Ft $&o= th't. She is 9ove '&s=eri&g 9ove i& =h'tever +or, it too$. S'yi&g yes =he& =e ,e'& &o is ,isg!ided love. 9ove h's to '&s=er 9ove eve& i+ i&s'&ely. A&d she '&s=ered 's she did !&til she )o!ld $&o= th't 9ove 'lso s'ys &o. No is the =ord th't ho&ors the pl')e i& !s th't +eels the h'r,.: I thi&$ I get it. 7y gre'test p'i& is sel+1"l',e. The se)ret th't ,!st "e hidde& so se)!rely is ,y s!spi)io& eve& ,y )o&vi)tio&( th't h'd I )hose& di++ere&tly I =o!ld &ever h've "ee& =o!&ded. This is =h't I )'&Ft '++ord to see. This is =hy I +i&d it so )r!)i'l th't so,e 11A A CRY IN THE DESERT other o&e "e "l',ed +or ,y p'i&. The ,ist'$e I ,'$e th't perpet!'tes ,y p'i& is ,y "elie+ th't o&ly i+ the other o&e is g!ilty )'& I "e i&&o)e&t. #ith this "elie+( I spe&d ,y li+e i& p!rs!it o+ proo+ o+ '&other perso&Fs g!ilt. It does&Ft =or$. All the ye'rs o+ p'i&( 'll the de+e&ses IFve "!ilt( serve o&ly to $eep ,e i& ,y s!++eri&g. I ,'de the )hoi)e. I did it. 0!t I ', i&&o)e&t. I did&Ft $&o= '&other ='y. 0yro& )o&ti&!es to eDpl'i&: 8She '"!sed hersel+ i& her ,i&d +or +i+ty ye'rs. A+ter the +irst te& ,i&!tes o+ the '"!se itsel+( I ', the o&e =ho )o&ti&!es ,y h'r,. #he& she s'= her p'rt( she ='s +ree. The $ey to li+e is to $&o= Tr!th '&d "e $i&d e&o!gh to live it. The &e= per)eptio& +o!&d o& the other side o+ the lie( =e )'ll +orgive&ess. 8This is h'rd to !&derst'&d(: I tell her. 8Yes(: she respo&ds. 8A&d this is the gre'test gi+t I "ri&g. It gives yo! =h't yo!Fve 'l='ys ='&ted ? yo! &o lo&ger &eed to "e ' vi)ti,. It gives yo! o&e h!&dred per)e&t po=er '&d )o&trol i& yo!r li+e. Yo! 're o&e h!&dred per)e&t respo&si"le +or yo!r p'i& '&d yo!r .oy. Yo! 'l='ys h've "ee& '&d( thro!gh +orgive&ess Kseei&g the Re'lity o+ =h't h'ppe&edL( yo! 're +ree.: S!dde&ly I re'liHe th't every ti,e she ,e&tio&s 8respo&si"ility: i& )o&&e)tio& =ith i&G!ry '&d +orgive&ess( I tr'&sl'te it i&to "l',e. #hoFs i&&o)e&t '&d =hoFs to "l',e> I ='&t the '"!ser to t'$e the "l',e so I do&Ft h've to. I thi&$ th't his )o&+essio& =ill +ree ,e. It =o&Ft. His '))ept'&)e o+ the "l',e I ='&t to pl')e o& hi, )'& o&ly i&)re'se the "l',e I l'y !po& ,ysel+. 7y =or$ is( thro!gh '))ept'&)e o+ ,y respo&si"ility +or ,y o=& li+e( to +i&d ,y i&&o)e&)e. HeFs the o&e =ho &eeds to +i&d the Tr!th '"o!t his )hoi)es. He &eeds to +ree hi,sel+. ItFs =h't I do to ,e th't ,'tters i& ,y li+e. 116 Respo&si"ility re'lly is ,y respo&se i& Tr!th. To ret!r& respo&si"ility to the vi)ti, is to restore th't o&eFs po=er. Respo&si"ility h's &othi&g to do =ith "l',e. Tr!th h's l'yers. I h'd&Ft re')hed the )ore( &ot yet. So,e =ee$s '+ter the =or$shop( I ='s )'lled to G!ry d!ty. I got there e'rly( +o!&d the 'sse,"ly roo,( '&d s't re'di&g ' "oo$. The pl')e +illed !p. A ,'& &eDt to ,e gri&&ed '&d s'id this ='s eDtr'ordi&'ry( this ,'&y people +or o&e tri'l( it ,!st "e "ig. It ='s. T=o ,e& h'd "ee& +o!&d shot de'd i& the de+e&d'&tFs ho,e( s'id the G!dge. She re'd o++ the &',es o+ the de'd( the &',e o+ the '))!sed. She s'id i+ =e $&e= these people =e =o!ld "e eD)!sed. 7y sto,')h t!r&ed. A)id sp!rted i&to ,y thro'tI I s='llo=ed it. I )'&Ft spe&d siD =ee$s o+ ,y li+e +')e to +')e =ith ,!rder( I "egged so,e i&visi"le 'r"iter. I do&Ft ='&t to G!dgeI I do&Ft ='&t to de)ide( "'sed !po& =h'tever evide&)e they give( =hether this ,'&( or '&yo&e( is i&&o)e&t or g!ilty. 7!rder. I )'&Ft +')e it. I =o&Ft. I ,ight h've to. A l'rge poli)e,'& distri"!ted t=e&ty1p'ge *!estio&&'ires to the prospe)tive .!rors. So,e o+ !s =o!ld "e eli,i&'ted o& the "'sis o+ o!r '&s=ers. I too$ o!t ,y pe&. I t')$led the *!estio&s: 8#hy is there )ri,e> H've yo! ever "ee& the vi)ti, o+ ' )ri,e> #h't h'ppe&ed> Do yo! h've ' g!&> C'& yo! '"ide $illi&g so,eo&e i& sel+1de+e&se> Do yo! thi&$ there is ' r')i'l pro"le, i& the 6&ited St'tes> #h't )'!ses it> #h't is yo!r 'ttit!de to='rd the )ri,i&'l G!sti)e syste,> 7'$e ' list o+ 'll the pl')es yo! h've lived '&d 'll the Go"s yo!Fve held@: I =rote( +or t=o ho!rs( h'&ded it i& 's I 11C A CRY IN THE DESERT =o!ld ' )ollege eD',( '&d =e&t ho,e. I )o!ld&Ft e't s!pper. 7!rder. I )o!ld&Ft +')e it. I re+!sed. I +elt terri+ied o+ it( o+ the ,!rderer. #he& I ='s le+t 'lo&e '+ter the de'th o+ ,y +irst h!s"'&d( I p!t "olts o& 'll ,y =i&do=s. Yo! )'&Ft tr!st ' ,!rderer. A&d they )'& "e sly. Yo! &ever $&o=. I did&Ft ='&t to see hi,( the ,!rderer( o& tri'l here. I did&Ft ='&t to loo$ hi, i& the +')e. I did&Ft ='&t to s'y( 8I $&o= =ho yo! 're. I "elieve yo! $illed those t=o ,e&.: 0y the& I h'd =or$ed e&o!gh =ith 0yro& to re'liHe ,y re')tio&s to the ,!rderer ,e'&t I ='s resisti&g Tr!th. I ='s de+e&di&g ,ysel+ 'g'i&st '&other lie( '&other +or, o+ sel+1"l',e. #rite it o!t( I told ,ysel+( t!r& it 'll 'ro!&d. I )'&Ft +')e ,e( the ,!rder i& ,e. AhJ The ,!rder( the ,!rderer i& ,e. A, I ' ,!rderer> I tho!ght o+ dre',s I !sed to h've. I h'd ,!rdered so,eo&e( st!++ed her "ehi&d ' +!r&')e( hid her i& '& !pper roo,( )!t her !p '&d sto=ed her !&der the =or$"e&)h i& the g'r'ge. I =or$ed o& those dre',s. It ='s ,ysel+. It ='s the Christi& o+ ,y he'rtEs desire. I h'd do&e it o+te& ? $illed ,y i&&o)e&)e( ,!rdered ,y esse&ti'l sel+. I do&Ft h've to do th't '&y,ore. The )o!rt )'se ='s ' te')her +or ,eI the ,!rder er( ' ,irror. I s'= the Tr!th. A&d I s'= th't I ='s i&&o)e&t( G!st tryi&g to love( G!st tryi&g to p!t ,ysel+ 'side i& order to 8"e good '&d do the right thi&g.: I ='s G!st tryi&g to love( "!t ,y love ='s ,isg!ided '&d it h!rt ,e( ,!rdered so,ethi&g o+ ,e. The ,!rderer is &o str'&ger to ,eI I am th't o&e. They )'lled ,e the &eDt d'y +ro, the s!perior )o!rt. It ='s&Ft &e)ess'ry +or ,e to )o,e "')$. They h'd 112 their G!ry. A&d I h'd re)og&iHed the Tr!th. %i&'lly( the *!estio& 0yro& s!ggests th't I p!t to ,ysel+ )o,es do=& to this: Ho= =ide =ill I eDte&d ,y he'rt> #ho ', I =illi&g to love> To =h't eDtre,es ', I =illi&g to go to re)og&iHe th't 'll o+ !s 're 9oveI th't there is ;&e> I sit i& the "ig gold )h'ir =here I =rite ,y "oo$s. ;!tside the le'ves sh!dder i& the =i&d. I )lose ,y eyes. I i&vite the people i&. The '"!sed )hild: I i&vite her i&. I re)og&iHe herI she is ,ysel+. The '"!ser: I loo$ deep 's I )'& i&to the '"!serFs eyes. I i&vite the '"!ser i&I it is ,ysel+. Deep i& the '"!serFs eyes I see the ;&e( '"!sed. They 're the s',e. I ope& =ider. The h!&gry( the ho,eless( the !&G!stly i,priso&ed( the ,e&t'lly ill( the 'ddi)t( the st'rvi&g )hild '&d the ,other =ho holds the st'rvi&g )hild( vi)ti,s o+ ='r( 'll the =eepi&g( )ryi&g h!,'&ityI they 're ,ysel+. #e 're ;&e. #ider yet. I see the, )o,i&g i& the dist'&)e. Ho= )'& I eD)l!de the,> The li'r( the ,!rderer( the tyr'&t( the )roo$: the ;&e ,'de ,o&stro!s to ,y eyes "y +e'r ? "y ,y resist'&)e to o!r p'i&. They 're 'll ,ysel+. I ', =ho they 're. #e 're ;&e. They )ry o!t i& ,e. They 're ,ysel+ )ryi&g. It is the h!,'& )ry +or 9ove( +or re)og&itio& o+ the 9ove th't =e 're. It is o!r h!,'& strivi&g ? o+te& ,isg!ided '&d +e'r+!l ? to $&o= Tr!th. It is the )ry 0yro& -'tie s'ys she is. It is the )ry i& the desert o+ this =orld +or <od. I +old ,ysel+ 'ro!&d the =orld. The =orld )ir)les "')$( e&+oldi&g ,e. ;&e sphere. ;&e 9ove. This is the 9ove =e )'ll Co,p'ssio&. #e pl'y li$e )hildre&. #e )re'te +or,s( dr','s( '&d =e le'r&. #e hold !p ,irrors to o&e '&other. #h't =e )'ll +orgive&ess is si,ply seei&g )le'rly. 119 A CRY IN THE DESERT I go "')$ to ,y Christi'& origi&s. 8%orgive the,(: .es!s s'id( 8They do&Ft $&o= =h't theyFre doi&g.: A&d =he& he t'!ght !s to pr'y( he s'id( 8%orgive !s o!r tresp'sses 's =e +orgive those =ho tresp'ss 'g'i&st !s.: The +orgive&ess th't 0yro& tells !s does &ot eDist is the o&e th't i,plies g!ilt( de"t '&d G!dg,e&t. The +orgive&ess o+ .es!s is di++ere&t. I loo$ !p the Ar','i). IF, &ot ' l'&g!'ge s)hol'r so I &eed to )o&s!lt so,eo&e =ho is. It t!r&s o!t th't .es!sF &otio& o+ +orgive&ess so!&ds li$e 0yro&Fs. He ,e'&s letti&g go =ith every "re'th o+ ' sh'do= th'tFs settled over =h't =e tr!ly 're. He ,e'&s sep'r'ti&g o!t the t'&gles =e ,'$e o+ li+eFs thre'ds. He tells !s =e 're )le'r( p!re( =itho!t "!rde& '&d th't the t's$ o+ o!r lives is to rele'se '&y lie th't )lo!ds this Tr!th. It ='s 's .es!s died th't he ,'de roo, i& his he'rt +or those =ho eDe)!ted hi,. 8%'ther( +orgive the,(: he )ried. This ='s his )o,p'ssio&. 8ED)ept +or yo!r l',e&t o+ the p'st '&d yo!r proGe)tio& o+ th't 's +!t!re ? eve& i&to spe)i+i) ,o,e&ts o&ly ? there is &o evilI there is &o h!rt( &o p'i&( &o s!++eri&g(: 0yro& eDpl'i&s. 8D!ri&g =or$shops( I 's$ people to )lose their eyes '&d )o&te,pl'te: #o!ld yo! r'ther "e ' tyr'&t( $i)$i&g ' little )hild( or =o!ld yo! r'ther "e the little )hild =ho ='s $i)$ed> eople re+le)t deeply. A&d they report to ,e th't they =o!ld r'ther "e the little )hild =ho ='s $i)$ed. 8This is the shi+t(: 0yro& -'tie s'ys( 8#he& so,ethi&g is see& i& Tr!th( old "elie+ +'lls '='y. #e 're the tyr'&t =e +e'r. #he& =e )'& see this( i&&o)e&)e is reve'led( the he'rt ope&s( lies 're reve'led( G!dg,e&t +'lls '='yI =e 're +ree. The eDperie&)e o+ th't is =h't =e )'ll +orgive&ess.: 143 %i&'lly I see th't the tyr'&t residi&g i& ,y o=& ,i&d is the tyr'&t I per)eive o!tside o+ ,e. They 're +orgive& si,!lt'&eo!sly or &ot 't 'll. I )'&&ot "e +ree !&til I $&o= there 're &o ,o&stersI there 're &o vi)ti,s This is &ot to s'y th't i+ I tort!re( ,!rder( or )o,,it '&y other 'tro)ity( I sho!ld &ot "e held '))o!&t'"le. This is &ot to ,i&i,iHe the horri+i) e++e)ts o+ =h't =e eDperie&)e 's evil or 's si&. 0!t it is to p!t Si& i& its proper pl')e: 's ' "etr'y'l o+ ,y &'t!re ? o+ the &'t!re o+ 'll( o+ the ;&e ? =hi)h is 9ove. A&d the re+!s'l to see this 9ove( to see the +!&d',e&t'l i&&o)e&)e o+ 'll "ei&g( is the gre'test "etr'y'l o+ 'll. 0yro&Fs ='y is &ot the ='y o+ the =orld. I& the =orld =e )o&+ro&t the '"!ser. #e p!&ish. #e eD')t p'y,e&t +or o!r p'i&. #e lo)$ the "'st'rd !p. #e eDe)!te hi,. #e drive hi, o!t li$e ' s)'pego't i&to the desert o+ o!r )o,,o& h!,'& ,i&d '&d le've hi, there )overed =ith 'll o!r si&s( i&+!sed =ith esse&)e o+ p'i&. #e p!t ' )!rse o& hi,. #e ,'$e hi, $&eel '&d 's$ +orgive&ess. #e =o&der i+ he )'& "e "elieved. The&( =he& 'll o+ this is do&e '&d =e thi&$ =e 're +ree o+ hi,( =e lie do=& 't &ight '&d i& the ,or&i&g =he& =e ='$e( o!r pillo= is =et =ith te'rs. I ='t)h the televisio& &e=s. I see th't so,ethi&g i& this so)iety thrives o& vi)ti,iH'tio&. It is '& i&d!stry ? "ig "!si&ess. It te')hes th't =eFve "ee& po=erless '&d h'r,ed. It te')hes th't so,eo&e ,!st "e "l',ed. It sep'r'tes the good g!ys +ro, the "'d. 0!t &o o&e I $&o= =ho +o)!ses o& sel+ 's ' vi)ti, h's ever "ee& +reed +ro, the s!++eri&g th't +o)!s "ri&gs. It rei&+or)es sep'r'tio&. %o)!s o& ,ysel+ 's vi)ti, )o&ti&!es the lie o+ ,y !&=orthi&ess. No o&e else )'& prove to ,e th't I ', =orthy o+ 9ove. Not ,y e&d!r'&)e( &ot ,y )o&ti&!ed '"!se( &ot 141 A CRY IN THE DESERT ,y deter,i&'tio& to p!&ish ,y '"!ser )'& "!y Tr!th +or ,e. Tr!th )'&&ot "e +or)ed +ro, so,eo&e else( &ot eve& +ro, <od. The o&ly '&s=er to ,y p'i& is to give !p the lie I tell ,ysel+( the lie th't s'ys I ', &ot =orth 9ove. I +eel "!tter+lies i& the pit o+ ,y sto,')h. This ,ess'ge '"o!t &o "l',e( '"o!t +orgive&ess( '"o!t i&&o)e&)e '&d )o,p'ssio& )o!ld "ri&g reGe)tio& o+ the "oo$. 7'y"e I sho!ld le've it o!t. 0!t it delights ,e too. I do&Ft ='&t to le've it o!t. I do&Ft ='&t to "e reGe)ted( either. 0!t I thi&$ itFs tr!e. IF, )o&+!sed. Ti,e to do The #or$ 'g'i&. I go to ,y h!s"'&d( .oh&. He s,iles 't ,e. 8Yo! see, to &eed to t'$e 'll th't 0yro& s'ys i&to yo!rsel+( yo! &eed to re)o&)ile it =ith 'll the "elie+s o+ yo!r p'st. A&d +')e it: #h't 0yro& is s'yi&g h's ' &e=&ess to it. ItFs li$e ' &e= religio&( ' &e= psy)hology( eve& ' &e= ,edi)i&e. I +i&d it i&teresti&g. I eve& 'gree =ith ' lot o+ it. I thi&$ it ,ight "e the ='ve o+ the +!t!re. 0!t I do&Ft +eel li$e I &eed to t'$e it i&to ,ysel+ '&d "e )h'&ged "y it.: I &od. #hy )'&Ft I "e ,ore o"Ge)tive '"o!t thi&gs> I $&o= =hy. Everythi&gFs ' ,irror. 8So( Christi&( yo!r +rie&d 0yro& s'ys 'll these thi&gs '&d over '&d over she to!)hes o& ' "elie+ yo!Fve held th'tFs di++ere&t. Yo! t=ist '&d t!r& '&d =o&der ho= it +its or eve& i+ it +its. 7'y"e th'tFs =h't =riters &eed to do. I do&Ft $&o=.: IF, &ot s!re either. .oh& '&d I t'l$ '"o!t =riti&g. A"o!t eDpos!re. 8!t it o!t there( ho&. Th'tFs =h't "oo$s 're +or. Yo! )'&Ft $&o= =h't people =ill '))ept or reGe)t. They de)ide.: ;+ )o!rse. The reGe)tio& o+ the "oo$> ItFs ,i&e. I see th't I 144 h've "ee& "l',i&g others i& 'dv'&)e +or reGe)tio&s o+ this "oo$ =he&( 'll 'lo&g( I ', the o&e =ho does &ot '))ept the,J I( =ho =rote the "oo$( ', the o&e. The& S'&dr' )'lls. 8I h've to tell yo! so,ethi&g( so,ethi&g re'lly "ig( th't h'ppe&ed to ,e. I +o!&d o!t th't IF, ' tyr'&tJ: 8#h't>: S=eet S'&dr'> A tyr'&t> 89et ,e tell yo!. I =e&t o& ' &'t!re ='l$ this =ee$e&d '&d got to t'l$i&g =ith ' re'lly &i)e ,'&( very +rie&dly( ' re'l Re&'iss'&)e perso&. As the )o&vers'tio& progressed( he told ,e th't he '&d his =i+e "oth h'd 7'sters degrees i& physi)s. #ell( I re,e,"ered '&other perso& I $&o= =ho is 'lso ' physi)ist '&d is $i&d o+ i&troverted. So I s'id th't people =ho go i&to physi)s te&d to "e shy( =ithdr'=&( her,it types. 8#ell( this ,'& ='s t'$e& '"')$ '&d s'id &o( he did&Ft thi&$ so '&d th't I sho!ld&Ft dr'= )o&)l!sio&s "'sed o& o&e or t=o people. 0!t I i&sisted. I G!st p!shed the poi&t '&d p!shed it. I do&Ft $&o= =h't +i&'lly stopped ,e. S!dde&ly( I g!ess( I )o!ld he'r ,ysel+. S!)h ' "it)hJ I )o!ld&Ft "elieve it. #hy ='s I doi&g this> Nothi&g is right =he& '&other perso& is h!rt. I i,,edi'tely 'pologiHed '&d s'id I ='&ted to t'$e it 'll "')$( '&d I ='s ='y o++ "'se here( '&d( o+ )o!rse( I )o!ld&Ft $&o= this '"o!t physi)ists. 8I,,edi'tely( this ,'& s,iled 't ,e '&d s'id( FI +orgive yo!.F .!st li$e th'tJ Ho= did he do th't> 8FYo! +orgive ,e>F I s'id. I )o!ld&Ft "elieve it. It ='s so e'sy +or hi,. A&d he told ,e I ='s so )h'r,i&g th't it ='s &o tro!"le 't 'll to +orgive ,e. I+ it h'd "ee& '&yo&e else( he =o!ld&Ft h've "ee& '"le to +orgive the, ? everJ 0!t he h'd &o di++i)!lty +orgivi&g ,e. Eve& =hile I ='s )o&ti&!i&g to 'go&iHe over ,y o++e&se( I e&vied hi, his '"ility to +orgive "e)'!se I )o!ld &ot 14B A CRY IN THE DESERT +orgive ,ysel+. 8#ell( Christi&( I =e&t ho,e( '&d this eDperie&)e =o!ld&Ft le've ,y ,i&d. It 'ppe'red th't it ='s so e'sy +or hi,. Ho= did he do th't> 0!t "esides th't( I ='s )o,pletely e,"'rr'ssed. I ,e'&( I ='s s!)h ' "it)hJ I )o!ld&Ft '))ept "ei&g th't ='y. I did The #or$( '&d I s't o& ,y "ed( '&d I still )o!ld&Ft get it. I $&e= th't =h't ='s h'ppe&i&g to ,e ='s serio!s. I ='s ,orti+ied. A&d yo! )'& t'$e th't liter'lly. I $&e= this to "e ' $iller o+ the "ody. 8The& it ='s 's tho!gh I s'= 0yro& -'tie i& ,y ,i&d. She stood( holdi&g her +i&ger )e&tered 't her sol'r pleD!s( the )h'$r' o+ po=er '&d )o&trol. 0y th't gest!re she held ,e( +o)!sed ,e. I =o!ld h've do&e '&ythi&g to =riggle o!t o+ this( "!t I si,ply )o!ld &ot. 8F#o!ld yo! de&y hi, this ,o,e&t>F she 's$ed ,e. 8It is his best to d'te ? the ,o,e&t to =hi)h 'll his st!dies h've led.F 8I loo$ed( i& ,y ,i&d( +ro, -'tie to the physi)ist '&d I )o!ld&Ft get '='y. Eve& i& ,y desp'ir( I =o!ld &ot de&y hi,. I& Tr!th( I )o!ld &ot. 8I =i&)ed over the e&or,ity o+ ,y tr'&sgressio&( "!t 't the s',e ti,e( I ='s i& =o&der over ho= ,!)h gre'ter =o!ld "e his Goy i& +orgive&ess i+ I =ere &ot )h'r,i&g ? i+( i&ste'd( I =ere '& '"sol!te tyr'&t. 8Eve& the&( I )o!ld &ot +orgive ,ysel+. So I )'lled 0yro& "e)'!se( 'ltho!gh I )o!ld eDperie&)e +orgive&ess i& ,y higher Sel+( =he&ever I ret!r&ed to ,y everyd'y sel+ '&d )'!ght ' gli,pse o+ the "it)h( o+ the tyr'&t th't I ',( I ='s &'!se'ted( +illed =ith lo'thi&g. 7y tho!ght ,'de ,e physi)'lly si)$. This is de'th. 8It is yo!r i&terpret'tio& o+ the "it)h th't +ills yo! =ith lo'thi&g(: 0yro& s'id =he& I told her this. 145 8Yo! 're the o&e &ot +orgivi&g yo!. #he& he s'ys he +orgives yo!( yo! )'&Ft "!y it "e)'!se the p'rt o+ yo! th't does&Ft +orgive the "it)h does&Ft "!y it. Thro!gh his eyes( see yo!rsel+. Yo! )'ll hi, li'r> He dies i& yo!r sight 's ' res!lt o+ the error i& yo!r per)eptio& ? th't yo!( the "it)h( 're &ot o$'y. There is o&ly o&e thi&g th't is &ot o$'y =ith the "it)h: She G!st )'&Ft see her "e'!ty yet. 8FSee yo!rsel+ thro!gh his eyes. 9et the physi)ist t'$e yo! to Re'lity( Tr!th( the 0e'!ty th't yo! 're. 9ove her. See her 's ' little girl =ho si,ply does&Ft $&o= ho= to thi&$ i& ter,s o+ 9ove yet. She is the little o&e =ho thi&$s i& the lie "e)'!se she does&Ft $&o= ho= &ot to yet. See her i&&o)e&)e. 9ove th't. She )'&Ft $&o=I )'& yo!> 7other her. S)hool her. Tr!th her i& the ,ost ge&tle ='y. This is the ,edi)i&e +or every "it)h.: 8Ho= )o,e I do&Ft +eel i&&o)e&t>: I 's$ed her. 8FThe little o&e =o!ld &ot "e ' "it)h i+ she =ere &ot i& s!)h terror o+ her !&tr!e tho!ghts. The e++e)t o+ ho&est thi&$i&g is the opposite o+ "it)h. It is '&gel. Its &',e is yo!. 8FYo! h've&Ft +orgive& yo!rsel+ so yo! 'ss!,e th't he h's&Ft +orgive& yo!. A&d he does&Ft h've +!ll '='re&ess either( 's lo&g 's he )o!ld&Ft +orgive o&e other perso&. Yo! )'&Ft "e +orgive& 'll the ='y( thro!gh hi,( "e)'!se =e 're 'll ;&e erso&. He is pl'yi&gI he does&Ft $&o=. He +orgives. The "it)h is pl'yi&g. She is i&&o)e&t. She does&Ft $&o=. It is the s',e =ith the tyr'&t. All is Yo!. As lo&g 's =e see o&e +'!lt( '&y=here( the =hole story o+ +orgive&ess( =ithi& !s( is &ot )o,plete. The per)eptio& o+ e')h '&d every eDter&'l sy,"ol is here to )o,plete the ,issio& o+ +orgive&ess.: 87y he'rt did ' le'p =he& -'tie s'id these 14A A CRY IN THE DESERT thi&gs to ,e. I )o!ld see ho= ' tyr'&t is i&&o)e&t. I )o!ld see the i&&o)e&)e o+ 'll the tyr'&ts( i&)l!di&g ,ysel+. I )o!ld +orgive the "it)h. 80!t I h'd ' +!rther step to t'$e. This ,or&i&g the +o)!s1i&1Tr!th ope&ed i&to 9ove. I love th't "it)h( I love her so ,!)h. I ', so gr'te+!l to th't "it)h. I h've "ee& '+r'id o+ her 'll o+ ,y li+e. I h've "ee& '+r'id to do '&ythi&g "e)'!se I +e'red she =o!ld )o,e o!t. IFve $&o=& she ='s there( '&d I ='s '+r'id she =o!ld )o,e o!t. I &ever $&e= ho= to )o&trol her. No= I ', '"le to see the i&s'&ity o+ ,y 'tt')$Ki&gL ='ys. I love th't "it)h. I G!st love her. I love the ,or&i&g. I love every d'y. 8I did&Ft thi&$ li+e )o!ld "e '&y "etter( "!t &o= I )'& get ,y li+e together. It does&Ft get '&y "etter th'& this. I love -'tie +or givi&g ,e this. I )'& go o& =ith ,y li+e.: 7y Christi'& "')$gro!&d provides ,e =ith '& i,'ge o+ the Christ. S'&dr'( li$e .es!s( died( &ot i& ' "!rst o+ heroi)s( "!t "y 8t'$i&g o& the si& o+ the =orld.: She "e)',e 8si&(: "e)',e 8the "it)h: +or th't ,'&( so "oth he '&d she )o!ld $&o= +orgive&ess. S'&dr' rises( o&e =ith the ,'& =ho s'id he +org've her. She rises i& sel+1+orgive&ess ? the re)og&itio& o+ her i&&o)e&)e. 7y ,i&d prese&ts ,e =ith ' pr'yer IFve he'rd 'll ,y li+e( e')h ye'r d!ri&g the E'ster /igil. 8;h( tr!ly &e)ess'ry si& o+ Ad',(: the de')o& si&gs 8=hi)h ='s "lotted o!t "y the de'th o+ Christ. ;h h'ppy +'!lt( th't ,erited so gre't ' Redee,er.: I,,edi'tely '+ter='rds I "e'r the =ords o+ St. '!l( 8#h't sh'll =e s'y the&> Sh'll =e )o&ti&!e i& si&( th't gr')e ,'y '"o!&d> <od +or"id. Ho= sh'll =e( th't 're de'd to si&( live '&y lo&ger therei&> ... si& sh'll &ot h've do,i&io& over yo!I +or yo! 're &ot !&der l'= "!t !&der gr')e.: KRo,'&s 6:114( 15L. 146 S7y !&derst'&di&g deepe&s. 0!t I ', &ot +i&ished yet. #he& it )o,es to i&&o)e&)e '&d +orgive&ess( I still h've ,!)h to le'r&. So I do The #or$. ;ver '&d over I &eed to t'$e the, i&to ,y he'rt ? the o&es I +e'r( the o&es I "l',e. ;ver '&d over I loo$ i&to their eyes '&d +i&d ' ,irror. #e h!,'&s 're &ot +i&ished. The pl'y is &ot over. #e )o&te,pl'te 'll the ,'&i+est'tio&s o+ the ;&e 9ove. It is ' pl'y o+ sh'do=s over Tr!th. It is i&&o)e&t. It is ' le'di&g go li$e "re'th. It is li+e o& e'rth. 14C A CRY IN THE DESERT 14C #HAT #;NDER%69 THIN< #I99 HAEN NERT %ro, the ti,e o+ ,y +irst ,eeti&g =ith 0yro& -'tie I h'd he'rd people t'l$ '"o!t S',. They s'id he ='s ' "!si&ess,'&( lo'ded =ith ,o&ey. They s'id she s'ved his li+e. They s'id th't i& his gr'tit!de( he h'd set !p '& i&stit!te th't p'id +or 'll sorts o+ thi&gs li$e t'pes '&d p!"lishi&g. 0yro& s'ys( si,ply( 8S', is =o&der+!l.: 8S', '&d I =ere i& the desert(: she tells ,e( 8A&d he h'd ' stro$e or so,ethi&g. I do&Ft $&o= =h't it ='s. 0!t he over)',e his +e'r o+ de'th.: %or so,e re'so& I ='it !&til the e&d to i&tervie= S',. I try &ot to 's$ =hy '&y,ore. Despite ,y "est pl'&&i&g( eve&ts +'ll i&to their proper pl')e. S', is ho,e. He s'ys heFs delighted to t'l$ =ith ,e '"o!t the o&e he )'lls -'tie. 8I ,et -'tie 't ' he'lth i&stit!te i& 9e,o& <rove. The ti,e ='s short ? ' )o!ple o+ d'ys. #e did&Ft get to spe&d ' lot o+ ti,e together( "!t I s'= i&st'&tly th't there ='s so,ethi&g '"o!t her... I did&Et $&o= =h't it ='s( G!st th't it ='s so,ethi&g I &eeded to !&derst'&d "etter.: S', h'd +ollo=ed ' spirit!'l p'th +or ,'&y ye'rs. He h'd le'r&ed +ro, ,'&y spirit!'l te')hers '&d h'd eve& do&e ther'py =ith .oh& 9e&&o& '&d Yo$o ;&o. 8I st'rted =ith psy)hology( '&d i& the siDties I did T7( =hi)h I pr')ti)ed +or ' lot o+ ye'rs. IFve do&e G!st '"o!t everythi&g there is to do i& the Ne= Age 're&'. I tried it 'll "e)'!se IF, se'r)hi&g. I re'lly ='&ted to +i&d pe')e.: 142 He h'd little pe')e. -'tie )',e i&to S',Fs li+e 't ' ti,e o+ )o&+!sio&. #or$( rel'tio&ships( ide&tity 'll +elt te&!o!s( held together "y the +i&est o+ thre'ds. So,eti,es &othi&g see,ed to hold. He +elt 'dri+t i& *!estio&s. 8Ti,e p'ssed '&d I de)ided to go to 0'rsto=. I spe&t t=o d'ys =ith her there( t=o =o&der+!l d'ys. #e ='l$ed i& the desert '&d t'l$ed. I ='s de'li&g =ith the *!estio& o+ =hether I ,ight "e ho,oseD!'l. A&d IF, '& older ,'&I IF, siDty1seve& ye'rs old. IFve "ee& tryi&g to +ig!re o!t the seD!'l orie&t'tio& iss!e +or ,ost o+ ,y li+e. I& 0'rsto= -'tie ='s =or$i&g =ith ' gro!p o+ people( o&e o+ =ho, ='s ' ho,oseD!'l( ' very &i)e ,'& =hose &',e I do&Ft re,e,"er. #ith his prese&)e '&d -'tieFs help( I ='s '"le to =or$ this *!estio& thro!gh to ' )o&)l!sio&. It ='s so good +or ,e. I +i&'lly ='s '"le to $&o= th't I ', &ot ho,oseD!'l '&d I )'& +eel good '"o!t th't.: ;ther thi&gs tro!"led S',( old thi&gs +ro, )hildhood( )o&st'&t thi&gs li$e his +e'r o+ de'th. 8I h've&Ft tot'lly rid ,ysel+ o+ +e'r(: he tells ,e( 8"!t IFve gotte& rid o+ eighty per)e&t o+ it. I "elieve &o= th't there is &o de'th. I "elieve th't tot'lly. #e )o&ti&!e o&. #e le've the "ody '&d the "ody re,'i&s there '&d =e go o&. #here =e go( I do&Ft $&o=( '&d -'tie h's&Ft told ,e. I do&Ft thi&$ she =ill.: She ,ight. She told ,e th't =e do&Ft go '&y=here. #e 're 'lre'dy. S',Fs de'th +e'rs ,'y h've "eg!& =ith the reli1 gio!s i&str!)tio&s he re)eived i& his )hildhood. His +'ther ,'y h've )o,,!&i)'ted these +e'rs to hi,. S', )'&Ft "e s!re. 8I ='s r'ised ' 9!ther'&. /ery stri)t. /ery +e'r+!l. 7isso!ri Sy&od( the ,ost stri)t o+ 'll o+ the,. I ='s 149 A CRY IN THE DESERT '+r'id o+ everythi&g. They got !p i& the p!lpit the&( =he& I ='s ' s,'ll "oy( '&d told ,e th't I ='s &o goodI th't IFd &ever "e '&y good '&d th't the o&ly possi"le thi&g th't )o!ld ever "e good +or ,e ='s to +ollo= <od '&d pr'y '&d &ot si& '&d yo! $&o=.... It ='s '=+!l. Terri"le. ItFs ' terri"le thi&g to h've h'ppe& to ' yo!&g $id. A&d yo! h've &o s!pport. ThereFs &o s!pport syste,. 87y d'd ='s s)'red to de'th. He =o!ld&Ft go to )h!r)h( =o!ld&Ft t'l$ '"o!t it( '&d ,y ,other ='s tot'lly e&g!l+ed i& it. It ='s ' very "'d thi&g. 8<od( it re'lly '++e)ted ,y li+e ' lot. Th'tFs =here 'll ,y +e'rs st'rted. Tr!ly. A $id sho!ld&Ft "e +illed =ith +e'r o+ de'th. A&d =he& I ='s ' $id( I ='s 'lre'dy '+r'id o+ de'th '&d I do&Ft $&o= =hy. It ='s d!,"J 7y d'd ='s '+r'id o+ it( tho!gh( '&d th't ,'y h've "ee& p'rt o+ it. He ='s '"sol!tely p'r'&oid '"o!t it. I 'l='ys tho!ght th't the ')t o+ dyi&g ='s the thi&g th't +righte&ed ,e. It ='s&Ft re'lly "ei&g de'd th't s)'red ,e( it ='s the ')t o+ doi&g it.: The t!r&i&g poi&t i& S',Fs li+e )',e d!ri&g his ='l$ =ith -'tie i& the desert. 8The +irst ti,e I ='s =ith her( those +e= d'ys i& the desert( =e =e&t +or ' ='l$ i& the e'rly ,or&i&g. It ='s spri&g '&d i&)redi"ly "e'!ti+!l ? 'll ,y )olors. I love t!r*!oise( t'&s( s'geI they 'll ,eld together. The e++e)t is so pretty. #e ='l$ed ' lo&g ti,e( t'l$i&g( '&d 'll o+ ' s!dde& I got s!)h ' =eird +eeli&g li$e I ='s losi&g it( tot'lly losi&g it. ;&e side o+ ,y +')e "e)',e p'r'lyHed 's I spo$e. I s'id( F<od( -'tie( I thi&$ I ,ight "e dyi&g.F A&d she s'id( F;h =ell...:F S', "re'$s i&to l'!ghter. The delight over -'tieFs respo&se )o&ti&!es to "e 's +reei&g +or hi, 's it ='s i&iti'lly. 8A&d I tho!ght( oh this is terri+i)J Is&Ft th't 1B3 =ild>J F;h =ell... #h't =o&der+!l thi&g =ill h'ppe& &eDt>F Right> She is G!st terri+i)J I 's$ hi, ho= he !&derst'&ds &o= =h't h'ppe&ed to hi, o& th't d'y. 8I thi&$ there ='s ' tr'&sitio& th't too$ pl')e(: he s'ys( 8A rele'se( so,ethi&g I h'd &ever +elt "e+ore "e)'!se IFd 'l='ys lived very tight( te&se( holdi&g o&. I thi&$ I let go o+ th't. I tho!ght I ='s dyi&g( "!t I did&Ft re'lly eDperie&)e the ')t o+ dyi&g. It ,ight h've "ee& &i)e i+ I h'd go&e ,ore deeply i&to it th'& I did. A&d h'vi&g her there 't th't i&st'&t( =he& I p'&i)$ed( '&d she s'id( F;h =ell. . . F 8I did le'r& +ro, this. 7y ,other p'ssed '='y '+ter this h'ppe&ed. She h'd )'&)er. I spe&t ' lot o+ ti,e t'l$i&g =ith her. ItEs ','Hi&g to ,e ho= )o,+ort'"le IFd "e)o,e =ith de'th( =ith peopleFs dyi&g. I ,o!r&ed her( "!t I did&Ft +eel '=+!l. I do +eel the lossI I =o&Ft "e '"le to t'l$ =ith her '&y,ore. 0!t +ro, the st'&dpoi&t o+ her =ell1"ei&g( I +elt good. A&d I do '"o!t '&yo&e =ho dies &o=. I do&Ft "elieve i& hell. I =ish the religio&s =o!ld do '='y =ith th't ide'. I do&Ft "elieve thereFs ' devil. There ,'y "e ' devil i& o!r ,i&ds( "!t I do&Ft "elieve thereFs ' devil i& the =orld o+ spirit. I thi&$ the devil ='s so,ethi&g i&ve&ted to )o&trol people. I g!ess it did th't +or ' lo&g ti,e.: S',Fs rele'se +ro, +e'r e&d!red. It is&Ft 's tho!gh &o +e'r re,'i&ed 't 'll( "!t eighty per)e&t o+ it( 't le'st( ='s go&e. He )redited -'tie '&d his gr'tit!de so!ght eDpressio&. 8I ='s 'l='ys tryi&g to +ig!re o!t ' ='y to get ' +i&'&)i'l "'se !&der -'tie "e)'!se she G!st lives so ,!)h o+ ' h'&d to ,o!th eDiste&)e. She sho!ld&Ft "e. So ,'&y people rely o& her &o= +or ' lot o+ their spirit!'l gro=th th't itFs &ot +'ir. I told her she o!ght to )h'rge ' set ',o!&t per d'y to sho= !p ? pl!s her eDpe&ses. A&d I do&Ft thi&$ th'tFs !&+'ir 't 'll. 1B1 A CRY IN THE DESERT 80!t she does&Ft do th't "e)'!se she +eels it ,ight eli,i&'te so,e"ody th't &eeds spirit!'l help. She s'ys she )'& give s)hol'rships '&d th'tFs tr!e "!t yo! &eed ' +i&'&)i'l "'se +irst. 0e)'!se she '&d '!l G!st str!ggle 'll the ti,e to ,'$e e&ds ,eet '&d th'tFs &ot good. I +eel it is distr')ti&g to herI eve& tho!gh sheFll s'y it is&Ft it is. ItFs o!t o+ )h'r')ter "!t sheFs h!,'& G!st li$e the rest o+ !s. #e ='&t to p!t her !p o& ' pedest'l( "!t sheFs &ot goi&g to )li," !p there.: Nothi&g he tried =or$ed. There ='s ' "oo$( "!t it ='s &ever +i&ished. He p'id +or ' videot'pe. It did&Ft represe&t her 'de*!'tely. He p'id to h've her =or$shop t'pes tr'&s)ri"ed. 0oDes o+ t'pes '&d re',s o+ tr'&s)ripts 're stored '='y. Their !se is( 's yet( !&deter,i&ed. S', p!HHles over ' sit!'tio& th't ,ight )'st so,e light o& the di++i)!lties i&volved i& pro,oti&g 0yro& -'tie. 8I h've ,'&y +rie&ds IFve i&trod!)ed to her( '&d itFs 'l,ost 's i+ they 're '+r'id to get i&volved =ith her 'g'i&. Is&Ft th't str'&ge> I do&Ft !&derst'&d it. I do&Ft ='&t to G!dge the, "e)'!se I do&Ft $&o= ? I )'&Ft get i&to their he'ds. I t'l$ to the, s'yi&g( F9etFs get -'tie '&d h've ' =ee$e&d(F "!t I G!st )'&Ft get '&y"ody to ,ove. They love her "!t they G!st =o&Ft ,ove. Is&Ft th't =eird>: 0!t itFs &ot re'lly so =eird. The ='y 0yro& -'tie sees li+e st!&s the ordi&'ry ,i&d( '&d S', $&o=s th't. 8Do yo! re,e,"er =he& =e h'd the "ig +ires 't 9'g!&'( '&d so ,'&y o+ the ho!ses "!r&ed>: he 's$s( '&d I tell hi, th't I do '&d th't I s'= 'rti+')ts +ro, the +ire 't l'st ye'rFs 9'g!&' Art %'ir. 8#ell(: he )o&ti&!es( 8I h'd ' gro!p o+ people here 't ,y ho!se '&d t=o o+ the =o,e& =ho )',e do=& +or th't d'y )',e thro!gh the 9'g!&' 're'. 1B4 8They s't i& the gro!p telli&g !s ho= '=+!l the +ires =ere '&d o& '&d o& '&d o&. -'tie respo&ded( F#hy do yo! thi&$ itFs '=+!l> I do&Ft see '&ythi&g =ro&g =ith it. #h't is the highest orderJ Ho= do =e $&o=> ThereFs the +ire. Re'lity is 9ove i& ')tio&. #h't =o&der+!l thi&g is goi&g to h'ppe& to those people &o=> Ho= do I $&o= I do&Ft &eed ' ho!se> It G!st got "!r&ed.F ItFs ,i&d1 "lo=i&g.: I& 'dditio& to =it&essi&g 0yro& -'tieFs st!&&i&g e++e)t o& his +rie&ds( S', eDperie&)es so,ethi&g o+ the s',e resist'&)e hi,sel+. 8IF, &ot '"sol!tely positive ? '&d itFs so,ethi&g I str!ggle =ith ? th't "e)o,i&g 's spirit!'l 's -'tie is or eve& )lose to =h't she is is so,ethi&g I ='&t to do. I s'y I do '&d I thi&$ I do "!t =he& I get do=& i&side ,ysel+ '&d loo$ 'ro!&d( IF, &ot s!re. IF, &ot s!re I ='&t to "e)o,e this ? this spirit. I g!ess I do&Ft $&o= =h't th't =o!ld ,e'&. 7'y"e th'tFs =h't stops ,e +ro, doi&g it. I re'lly do&Ft $&o=.: He $&o=s thro!gh eDperie&)e( tho!gh( th't =he& people 'llo= the,selves to "e i&+l!e&)ed "y her( they )h'&ge. HeFs see& her =ith dr!g 'ddi)ts '&d =ith )o&vi)ts i& h'l+='y ho!ses. He $&o=s it i& his i&&er sel+( i& his d'ily li+e '&d rel'tio&ships. 8SheFs h'd i&)redi"le s!))ess eve& =ith people so +'r do=& the hill th't yo! =o!ld&Ft "elieve '&y"ody )o!ld "ri&g the, "')$ !p. ;&e thi&g she told ,e o&e ti,e th't re'lly ,'de '& i,pressio& o& ,e h'd to do =ith these g!ys she =or$s =ith i& ' h'l+='y ho!se. I see her 's tryi&g to get the, to +eel love. She s'id( FH've yo! ever tried to get ' ='ll to +eel 9ove> I+ I ', t'l$i&g =ith ' perso& =ho is i,pe&etr'"le( I "e)o,e i,pe&etr'"le. 9i$e spe'$s to li$e. I ', the ='ll he'rd "y the ='ll 's itsel+ ? re)og&iHed. She got it do&eJ A lot o+ 1BB A CRY IN THE DESERT the, 're '"le to +eel thi&gs &o=. I do&Ft $&o= th't they =ere &e)ess'rily so)iop'thi)( "!t they =ere )ert'i&ly lo)$ed !p i& their '&ger '&d &ot i& to!)h =ith their +eeli&gs. SheEs i&)redi"leJ: ;+ his o=& tr'&s+or,'tio&( he s'ys( 8I !sed to proGe)t ,ysel+ i&to sit!'tio&s. IFve pretty ,!)h stopped th't. 7'i&ly itFs '"o!t t'$i&g respo&si"ility +or o!rsel+. The other is &ot ,y "!si&ess. Ho= )'& I $&o=> Th'tFs =h't goes thro!gh ,y ,i&d( '&d itFs '&other thi&g -'tie t'!ght ,e. Ho= )'& I $&o= =h't goes thro!gh th't perso&Fs ,i&d( =h't theyFre thi&$i&g> ThereFs &o ='y.: Respo&si"ility 's ' +o)!s i& his o=& tr'&s+or,'tio&( 's =ell 's i& the tr'&s+or,'tio& o+ so)iety( is )e&tr'l to S',Fs ='y o+ li+e. 0yro& -'tie does&Ft )o,pro,ise =he& it )o,es to perso&'l respo&si"ility. ItFs '&other thi&g th't dr'=s S', to her. His he'rt goes o!t to the yo!&g people o+ o!r )o!&try =hoFve &ot h'd '& opport!&ity to develop this se&se o+ respo&si"ility. 8Yo! )'&Ft love too ,!)h. The ,ore yo! love( the ,ore love there is. It is sel+1perpet!'ti&g. Yo! &eed to live it( &ot G!st spe'$ it. 6&+ort!&'tely I do&Ft see this too ,!)h i& so)iety. The -'ties 're the $i&d o+ people =ho =ill get it there i+ it ever is goi&g to "e there.: A&d the S',s. This is =h't I +eel li$e telli&g hi,. 0!t he goes o& to tell the ='ys heFs )h'&ged. 8IFve le'r&ed ' lot '"o!t +orgive&ess. IFve "ee& G!dg,e&t'l 'll ,y li+e. I ='s r'ised li$e th't: t'!ght to "e ' G!dge. ItFs so,ethi&g IFve str!ggled =ith ' lot. 0!t IFve ,'de ' lot o+ i&ro'ds '&d h've pretty ,!)h stopped G!dgi&g people. IFve let go o+ +irst i,pressio&s: yo! $&o= ? this perso& is&Ft very pretty or is +'t( or I do&Ft li$e this or th't ? those ide's th't go thro!gh o!r he'ds =he& =e ,eet so,eo&e. I ='s r'ised =ith G!dg,e&t. 7y ,other ='s eDtre,ely )riti)'l o+ people '&d r')es ? the =hole thi&g. 1B5 She ='s preG!di)ed. IFve h'd to le'r& to &ot "e th't. I h've&Ft tot'lly =hipped it. IFll "e ho&est: I so,eti,es get )'rried '='y. 0!t IFve ,'de serio!s i&ro'ds. 8;&e ,or&i&g( e'rly( '"o!t +ive( I ='s i& "ed '&d so,ethi&g =o$e ,e !p. There ='s ' voi)e( I s=e'r it( th't s'id( +to" "laying 1odJ It ='s i&)redi"le. A&d -'tie s'id F<ood( yo! )'& he'r.F I do thi&$ I h'd ' te&de&)y to do th't ? to pl'y <od. I thi&$ ' perso& =ho is G!dg,e&t'l is pl'yi&g <od. I do&Ft he'r voi)es( "!t th't voi)e ='s 's )le'r 's '&ythi&g IFve ever h'd h'ppe& to ,e.: S', l'!ghs. ThereFs so,ethi&g )hildli$e '&d i&&o)e&t '"o!t this ,'& =hoFs "ee& so ,!)h ' ,'& o+ the =orld +or ,ore th'& siDty ye'rs. This ,'& =ho h's ,'de '&d lost sever'l +ort!&es( =ho $&o=s his ='y 'ro!&d( =ho is ? right &o= ? o& the verge o+ +i&'&)i'l )oll'pse '&d 'lre'dy h's the )re'tive ide' th't =ill ','ss '&other +ort!&e. This ,'& is pl'yi&g. HeFs i&&o)e&t. A )hild. 8I love -'tie ,ore th'& '&y"ody th't I $&o=( ,'y"e =ith the eD)eptio& o+ ,y =i+e( "e)'!se -'tie is the ,ost =o&der+!l( the ,ost lovi&g ? itFs G!st '& i&)redi"le eDperie&)e to "e i& her prese&)e. The l'st ti,e I ='s =ith her( I spe&t ' S't!rd'y( the gre'ter portio& o+ the ,or&i&g '&d '+ter&oo&( =ith her. #e s't i& the livi&g roo, o+ her ho,e. I ='s i& ' sp')e IFd &ever "ee& "e+ore. It ='s the F"e here &o=F eDperie&)e th't yo! re'd '"o!t ? th'tFs eD')tly =here I ='s. I ='s tot'lly 't pe')e. It ='s ' ,'rvelo!s eDperie&)e( '&d I ='s '"le to $eep it '&d "ri&g it ho,e. I $ept it thro!gh the &ight. 0!t it eve&t!'lly =e&t '='y. I )'& "ri&g it "')$( tho!gh( +or "rie+ s&'pshots( "!t it =o&Ft hold. I thi&$ it =ill hold eve&t!'lly( tho!ghI I $&o= =here to go to get it. So th'tFs good. 1BA A CRY IN THE DESERT 8-'tie h's ,'de ,e "e)o,e ' lot ,ore respo&si"le +or ,e( +or ,y o=& h'ppi&ess. SheFs t'!ght ,e to li$e ,ysel+ "etter( so,ethi&g th't ='s di++i)!lt +or ,eI I =e&t ,'&y ye'rs =itho!t li$i&g ,ysel+ 't 'll. It ='s ' tr!e gi+t. The #or$ she does is eD)elle&t. ItFs h'rd to )'t)h the esse&)e o+ it i& ' "oo$let( tho!ghI yo! 'l,ost h've to eDperie&)e it =ith her. 8#h't sets -'tie 'p'rt is her love( her '"sol!tely !&)o&ditio&'l love. A&d her re'l&ess. She is i&)redi"le. I )'& h've ,ore +!& =ith her( I )'& )ry =ith her. SheFs =o&der+!l. I love her. SheFs "e'!ti+!l '&d her spirit is... IFve &ever ,et '&yo&e else li$e her '&d &ever hope to 'g'i&. Th'tFs very spe)i'l. 8A )o,,it,e&t )h'&ges yo!r li+e( thereFs &o *!estio& '"o!t it. I thi&$ it )h'&ges it +or the "etter. I thi&$ th't( 's I told yo! "e+ore( th't I +eel so,e +e'r '"o!t )o&ti&!'lly goi&g o& i&to the spirit!'l( '"o!t pressi&g i&to this thi&g( "!t I re'lly ='&t to. I re'lly ='&t to.: 7y )o&vers'tio& =ith S', is dr'=i&g to ' )lose. I )'& tell "e)'!se IFve le'r&ed th't 's people try to t'l$ '"o!t ho= 0yro& -'tie i&+l!e&)ed the,( they eve&t!'lly h've o&ly eDpressio&s o+ love. The #or$ o+ tr'&s+or,'tio& is o&goi&g '&d it is their o=&. 0yro& -'tie is( 's she 'l='ys s'id she ='s( ' ,irror ? =h't =e loo$ li$e o& the other side. I do&Ft $&o= =h't else I )'& tell yo! ? I G!st love her '&d love her '&d love her.: 1B6 I A7 N;T THIS 0;DY 0yro& -'tie spe&ds Holy #ee$ =ith ,e. ED)ept +or this )h'pter( the +irst dr'+t o+ the ,'&!s)ript is )o,plete. #e go thro!gh every =ord( every se&te&)e. Is it tr!e> Is it the "est ='y to s'y it> #h't 're the =ords +or th't =hi)h h's &o =ords> #e sit i& s!&light o& the p'tio. E'rly i& the ,or&i&g =e "egi& '&d =or$ !&til &ight. #e ,ove +ro, pl')e to pl')e: the =riti&g roo,( the +irepl')e roo,. The A,eri)'& l'&g!'ge str!)t!re is i&'de*!'te to 0yro& -'tieFs eDperie&)e i& th't it re*!ires d!'listi) tho!ght ? ' s!"Ge)t '&d '& o"Ge)t. Eve& the si,plest se&te&)e ,oves +ro, the origi&'l st'te o+ "ei&g i& =hi)h she lives. 8I ',.: As soo& 's I s'y 8I(: I h've ,oved o&e step '='y. #h't is p!re s!"Ge)tivity( '&d ho= )'& it "e eDpressed> So,eti,es =e spe'$ '&d =rite i& )ir)les '&d &eed to delete ,!)h o+ it. #e l'!gh. #e pl'y =ith l'&g!'ge. ;& Holy Th!rsd'y '+ter&oo&( .oh& '&d I t'$e her to the 'irport '&d I )o,e ho,e to "egi& =h't( i& ,y spirit!'l tr'ditio&( is )'lled the S')red Trid!!,: the sole,& re,e,"r'&)e o+ the de'th '&d res!rre)tio& o+ .es!s =ho, =e )'ll the Christ. I& rit!'liHed ree&')t,e&t( =e Christi'&s ,'$e prese&t +or o!rselves 'll the 'ssovers: +ro, &othi&g&ess to "ei&g( +ro, d'r$&ess to light( +ro, sl'very to +reedo,( +ro, si& to gr')e( +ro, de'th to li+e( +ro, te,por'l to Eter&'l 9i+e. #e "ri&g opposites together '&d ')t o!t the he'li&g o+ d!'lis,. #e +or, ' pro)essio& o+ )'&dlelight +ro, the )h!r)h to the g'rde&. #e st'&d si&gi&g !&der the +!ll ,oo&. #e ,'$e re'dy +or the stro$e o+ gr')e th't tr'&s+or,s the h!,'&( th't reve'ls to !s the divi&e '&d h!,'&( th't reve'ls to !s the divi&e '&d 'l='ys prese&t 1BC A CRY IN THE DESERT )e&ter o+ o!r re'lity. E'ster S!&d'y ,or&i&g rises )le'r. I h've ' lot o+ si&gi&g to do. I dress i& =hite '&d go e'rly to the )h!r)h to pr')ti)e =ith the )hoir. 7y voi)e +eels +ree '&d so'rs 's i+ &othi&g o+ ,e )'& hi&der it. Tr!,pets '&&o!&)e the res!rre)tio&. The org'& th!&ders. The Allel!i's ope& !p sp')e li$e ' so&i) "oo,. The le)tor steps to the p!lpit. He '&&o!&)es: 8Yo! h've died '&d yo!r li+e is hidde& =ith Christ i& <od.: At this ,o,e&t I "re'$ ope& li$e the Allel!i'. 7y i&divid!'l li+e h's died. #h't I )'lled 8I: is e)lipsed( hidde&( i& the Christ =ho is hidde& i& <od. I +eel prese&t every=here( i& everythi&g( =ithi& e')h perso& there i& the )h!r)h( "et=ee& the,( !&"o!&ded. This ,!st "e =h't 0yro& -'tie ,e'&s =he& she s'ys( FI ', &ot this "ody.F This "ody is o&ly o&e o+ the +or,s I t'$e. I ', ,'&y +or,s. I ', the +or, o+ ,!si). I ', the +or, o+ e')h perso& here. I ', the +or, o+ the =i&d '&d o+ the s!& shi&i&g thro!gh the st'i&ed gl'ss. I ', the +or, o+ the =ords "ei&g pro)l'i,ed. I ', the +or, o+ the Christ. A&d 'll +or, is tr'&s+or,ed tod'y. All is hidde& i& <od. I h've see& people die. 7y +'ther died. I s't =ith ,y +rie&d =ho died =he& she ='s o&ly +orty1+o!r. 7y +irst h!s"'&d o+ te& ye'rs died s!dde&ly. 7y ,other died =hile I held her h'&d. 89i+e is )h'&ged( &ot t'$e& '='y(: the priest pro)l'i,ed 't every +!&er'l. I tried to !&derst'&d. The +or, o+ ,y "ody )h'&ges d!ri&g 'll ,y li+eI de'th )h'&ges th't +or, r'di)'lly. I do &ot die. I ', &ot this "ody. I $&o= th't I )'& =rite the )h'pter o& de'th &o=. 1B2 8De'th is ' proGe)tio&(: 0yro& -'tie s'ys( 8;+ everythi&g yo! h've ever "ee& ? t'!ght "y h!,'& tho!ght o& this pl'&et. I+ &o o&e h'd told ,e '"o!t de'th( I =o!ld&Ft $&o= =h't they ,e'&t. #e do&Ft die. De'th is &ot ' possi"ilityJ It is so,ethi&g =e !se to s)'re o!rselves. ;!r tho!ghts o+ de'th 're !pside do=& thi&$i&g '&d do&Ft =or$. The +e'r is proGe)ted +ro, o!r )hildhoods. #e s'= people ='ili&g +ro, seei&g other people ='ili&g '&d +'lli&g 'p'rt 's =e &o= ='il '&d +'ll 'p'rt perpet!'ti&g the lie. Th't is +e'r. %e'r is )o&+!sio& '&d ig&or'&)e. The h!,'& )o&ditio& is to prote)t the "ody "e)'!se h!,'&s thi&$ they 're their "odies. They h've +orgotte& they 're tho!ghts. They 're &ot i& to!)h =ith the '='re&ess( =hi)h is th't o+ Everl'sti&g 9i+e. 8Every ti,e the "elie+ o+ de'th )o,es i&( $&o= it is the res!lt o+ this !pside1do=& thi&$i&g. The people =ho FdieF '&d )o,e "')$ +ro, &e'r1de'th eDperie&)es report the "e'!ty( e)st'sy( '&d pe')e they e&)o!&ter. The& there 're the o&es =ho step o& over '&d do&Ft eve& "other to )o,e "')$ to report the o"vio!s. 89oo$ +or o&e proo+ th't de'th is&Ft good other th'& yo!r "elie+ th't they sho!ld rise '&d ='l$ +or yo!r "e&e+it. It is &ot possi"le to +i&d it. There is o&ly <ood. There is o&ly <od. There is o&ly .oyJ A&y tho!ght th't $eeps ,e +ro, 9i+e is i&s'&e.: I re,e,"er th't ,y +irst ,eeti&g =ith 0yro& )',e o&ly three =ee$s '+ter ,y ,otherFs de'th. No=( i& the prese&)e o+ 0yro&Fs te')hi&g( ,y tho!ghts ret!r& to th't eDperie&)e. It ='s e'rly( ' +e= ,i&!tes p'st siD i& the ,or&i&g o+ A!g!st 1B( 199B. .oh& h'd G!st le+t +or =or$I I ='&ted to sleep so,e ,ore. I )losed ,y eyes. The pho&e r'&g. It ='s so e'rly i& the ,or&i&gI =ho =o!ld )'ll ,e> 1B9 A CRY IN THE DESERT It ='s ,y sister( 9iH. She h'd te'rs i& her voi)e. 8The &!rsi&g ho,e )'lled. 7o, is&Ft de'd ? yet.: The& she "eg'& to )ry. 8They s'id she h's&Ft e'te& '&ythi&g +or three d'ys. #hy did&Ft they )'ll ,e> They s'id to )'ll ,y sister i& C'li+or&i'.: #e t'l$ed. I do&Ft re,e,"er the =ords. I told her I =o!ld "e i& 7i&&esot' "y eve&i&g. I thi&$ &o= o+ th't trip( the ho!rs i& the pl'&e +ly1 i&g +ro, the #est Co'st to 7i&&esot'. So,eho=( eve& tho!gh IFd &ot yet ,et 0yro& -'tie( I eDperie&)ed =h't she ='s l'ter to tell ,e: 8The !lti,'te eDiste&ti'l +e'r o+ h!,'&$i&d is the +e'r o+ =h't =e see 's de'th. 0!t de'th is &ot =h't yo! thi&$ it is. All yo! $&o= is th't =he& the "ody stops( it is +e'r+!l to yo!. #he& yo! )'&Ft see the perso& 's 'live( yo! do&Ft tr!st th't li+e h's&Ft e&ded. #he& esse&)e le'ves the "ody '&d the "ody G!st lies there( it s)'res yo!. 0!t i+ esse&)e )',e "')$ to "ody( "ody =o!ld report it h'd "ee& i& '& i&des)ri"'"ly Goyo!s pl')e "eyo&d itsel+. 0e)'!se o+ the ge&er'tio&s o+ le'r&ed ,is"elie+s '&d +e'r( =e 're !&'"le to eDperie&)e ' pe')e+!l( Goyo!s li+e. 8De'th is 'lso lyi&g i& the 'r,s o+ ' loved o&e '&d goi&g to sleep. Every &ight =e l'y o!r he'd o& the pillo= '&d go to sleep. Th't is =h't de'th is. #e =ere p!t to "ed e')h &ight "y o!r p're&ts( eve& "e+ore =e )o!ld )o&stit!te tho!ght( '&d =e '!to,'ti)'lly le'r&ed to tr!st =e =o!ld ='$e e')h ,or&i&g. 8;& =h't I )'ll the Fother sideF is the Isness 6 "elie+s 're the Is¬&ness. A&y tho!ghts =e try to p!t o&to th't )o&ditio& o+ Is li,it 8 the Isness. It is )o,1 plete( "eyo&d =ords to des)ri"eJ 87y o=& eDperie&)e is th't I live i& this )o,plete&ess. It is the pe')e I ='l$ i&. I do&Ft 8$&o=:I '&ythi&g. I do&Ft h've to +ig!re '&ythi&g o!t. I g've !p i& 153 ti,e( +orty1three ye'rs o+ tho!ghts th't go &o=here( '&d &o= I )'& $&o= the Is¬. e')e. .oy. A"sol!te +!l+ill,e&t o+ ='t)hi&g everythi&g !&+old i& +ro&t o+ ,e 's ,e. I ', ' perpet!'ted ,i&d )'!se 'lre'dy eDisti&g( here to )orre)t itsel+( &o=. It is the s',e 's de'th. BeingJ I do&Et know th't I ', ? I ',. Thi)$ 'ir =r'pped ,e 's soo& 's I stepped +ro, the pl'&e i&to the +light='y. H!,idity. IFd +orgotte&. 7y "rother1i&1l'=( Steve( stood to='rd the "')$ o+ the )ro=d. He s,iled. I eDpe)ted hi, to s'y so,ethi&g '"o!t 7','( ='s she still 'live> He s'id &othi&g. <'ve ,e ' h!g. S,iled 'g'i&. The& he too$ ,e over to =here 9iH ='s sitti&g i& ' =heel)h'ir "y the =i&do=. She s,iled too. I 's$ed '"o!t her "ro$e& +ootI I s'id I h'd&Ft eDpe)ted her to "e there. #'s 7',' de'd> #'s 9iH "ei&g "r've( &ot ='&ti&g to tell ,e here i& p!"li)> I pre+erred to ='it r'ther th'& to 's$. ;& the ='y to the "'gg'ge )l'i,( 9iH +i&'lly s'id so,ethi&g li$e( 87o, is still holdi&g o&. I spe&t the d'y =ith her.: I ='&ted to go right to the &!rsi&g ho,e. I he'rd 9iH s'y( 80e s!re yo! t'$e )'re o+ yo!rsel+( yo! $eep vigils '&d +orget to t'$e )'re o+ yo!rsel+.: I ,e&t'lly i&str!)ted ,ysel+ to "e re'so&'"le. ')e ,ysel+. Not i,'gi&e I ,!st "e =ith 7',' every ,o,e&t( respo&si"le( so,eho=( +or g!idi&g her thro!gh de'th. I do&Ft h've th't $i&d o+ =isdo,( th't $i&d o+ po=er. 7','Fs eyes =ere )losed '&d she ='s "re'thi&g very +'st. Ho= ,'&y ti,es h'd I "ee& here i& ,y ,i&d( "eside her( dyi&g> 7y ,other( dyi&g( i& 'll the others I loved =ho died. The ,other( dyi&g i& ,y dre',s si&)e I "eg'& to dre', '&d de'th ,oved i&eDor'"ly to='rd her 151 A CRY IN THE DESERT ho!se =ith +ire to destroy her. I )o!ld &ot prote)t her. I )o!ld &ot stop it. I too$ her h'&d. It ='s still her h'&d. So+t. 0!t so =et( )l',,y. %ever. Her +')e too. Cl',,y. 9iH )'lled the &!rse. Her te,per't!re ='s .!st '"o!t 133( her "lood press!re holdi&g 't =h't the &!rse )'lled &or,'l. So s,'ll. Her "o&es =ere the "o&es o+ "irds +'lle& +ro, &ests. Her h'ir ='s spre'd o& the pillo= over her he'd( still 'l,ost "l')$( str'ight. Her s$i& ='s &ot gr'y li$e 'll those others I ='t)hed die. She r'di'ted ' $i&d o+ light. It +ooled ,e. She =o&Ft die to&ight( I )o&)l!ded( or to,orro=. She =ill die o& S!&d'y( o& the +e'st o+ the Ass!,ptio& o+ 7'ry. 9iH s'id she =o!ld &ot "e st'yi&g the &ight. So,ethi&g i& ,e +elt "o!&d to 7',' 's tho!gh o&)e st'&di&g "eside her I )o!ld &ot ,ove. 0!t I re'so&ed th't i+ I =ere goi&g to st'y =ith her 'll the &eDt d'y '&d &ight( the& I h'd "etter go =ith 9iH '&d sleep. #e s't "y her "ed G!st ' little ,ore th'& '& ho!r. #e s'&g to her. 8<ood&ight S=eethe'rt: '&d 87y #ild Irish Rose.: #e $issed her '&d s'id =e =o!ld ret!r& i& the ,or&i&g. 7y &ephe=( D'vid( let ,e !se his roo,. He h'd ' ='ter"ed. It h!gged ,e. I +elt i,,ersed i& ' )lo!d. 0!t I did&Ft sleep ,!)h. At +o!r i& the ,or&i&g the pho&e r'&g. I '=o$e i,,edi'tely. It's the nursing home$ I tho!ght '&d I ='ited +or 9iH to )o,e to the door. 0!t she did&Ft )o,e. I+ she did&Ft he'r the telepho&e( =hi)h ='s sitti&g right '"ove her "ed( the& it h'd&Ft re'lly r!&g. I ,!st h've dre',ed it. I h'd di++i)!lty getti&g "')$ to sleep. It =o!ld "e ' lo&g d'y '&d I i&te&ded to st'y !p 'll &ight =ith 7','. I $ept thi&$i&g o+ the poe, I =rote l'st ye'rI it e&ded =ith the =ords: 154 7A7A 7A7A 9et the +ire die. 9et ,e hold yo! o&)e 0e+ore yo! +lyI 0e ' "ird i& ,y h'&d Resti&g Nesti&g ;&e 'g'i& =ith everythi&g #e ever hoped to !&derst'&d A"o!t o!r he'rts Yo!r he'rt Hidi&g I& ,y too too +roHe& li+e. I ='s !p 't C:B3( =hi)h is re'lly A:B3 ,y ti,e. 0!t I ='s&Ft thi&$i&g '"o!t ti,e. I pl'&&ed to sho=er '&d the& 9iH '&d I =o!ld go to the &!rsi&g ho,e. It see,ed e'rly to ,e. It ='s&Ft re'lly e'rly. The& 9iH ='s !p. #hile she ='s getti&g dressed the pho&e r'&g. A voi)e s'id( 8Yo!r ,other is lo=. Yo!Fd "etter )o,e over.: I told the voi)e =e =o!ld do th'tI IFd G!st sho=er. She s'id( 8I do&Ft thi&$ yo! h've ti,e to sho=erI she ,ight &ot ='it +or th't.: It ='s spri&$li&g. A "ig th!&derstor, ='s ,ovi&g i& +'st o& the T=i& Cities. This ='s the edge o+ it. I& the p'r$i&g lot( 9iH told ,e to get o!t o+ the )'r '&d r!& i&. SheFd +ollo= 's +'st 's she )o!ld =ith her "ro$e& +oot. There =ere three &!rses i& 7','Fs roo,( '&d she ='s dyi&g. 8;h( good( yo!Fre here(: o&e o+ the, s'id. 8She ='ited +or yo!.: I h!rried 'ro!&d to the side o+ the "ed =here I )o!ld see her +')e( '&d I too$ her hot( d',p h'&d. 87',': )',e li$e ' so" str'ight +ro, ,y he'rt. 15B A CRY IN THE DESERT I l'id ,y he'd )lose to hers. Her "re'thi&g ='s irreg!l'r =ith lo&g p'!ses "et=ee& "re'ths '&d her eyes =ere ope&. Her l!&gs =ere +illed !p '&d the "re'th r'ttled. The& 9iH ='s =ith ,e. 8<o to <od( 7','(: I s'id '&d I )ried 'g'i&. The &!rses le+t the roo,. 9iH '&d I =ere 'lo&e =ith her. So,e phleg, )',e +ro, her l!&gs '&d r'& o!t o+ her ,o!th. 9iH =iped it '='y =ith ' tiss!e '&d I tho!ght( %iz is the mother now$ doing the motherly things. #e "oth "e)',e *!iet. Ti,e see,ed to stop. There ='s ' "ig sp')e =here 'll three o+ !s see,ed to "e holdi&g o!r "re'th. 7','Fs +')e loo$ed so livi&g. Th'tFs =h't h'd +ooled ,e the &ight "e+ore. Her +')e ='s l!,i&o!s. Sever'l ti,es the sp')e "et=ee& her "re'ths ='s so lo&g th't I tho!ght she ='s de'd( "!t she "re'thed 'g'i&. The& she )losed her eyes. At th't ,o,e&t( the r'di'&)e see,ed to rele'se itsel+ +ro, her +')e '&d dis'ppe'r. She did&Ft "re'the 'g'i&. I do&Ft re,e,"er i+ =e )ried. I thi&$ =e =ere sile&t. I thi&$ =e G!st loo$ed 't her. She ='s go&e. I se'r)hed 'ro!&d the roo, +or her spirit. #he& ,y +irst h!s"'&d died( his spirit st'yed i& the roo, +or '"o!t ' ho!r. I )o!ld +eel it. 7',' ='s&Ft there. She ='s go&e. .!st the& ' th!&der)l'p split the s$y ope&. A de'+e&i&g so!&d o+ r'i&. I slipped .oh'&&' So='Fs ros'ry( ,y gre't gr'&d,otherFs ros'ry =ith the ti&y "e'ds( o!t o+ the ,edi)i&e po!)h 'ro!&d ,y &e)$ '&d l'id it o& 7','Fs "re'st =ith the )r!)i+iD over her he'rt. I held her h'&d. She ='s still ='r,. Her )olor slo=ly +'ded( the ,'r$i&gs o+ 'ge o& her h'&d dis'ppe'red 's i+ "y ,'gi). 89et ,e hold yo! o&)e "e+ore yo! +ly.: 9iH '&d I s't( o&e o& either side o+ o!r ,otherFs 155 "ody. #e t'l$ed. So,e o+ it ='s "!si&ess. #h't do they &eed 't the +!&er'l ho,e> Do =e h've )lothes +or her> Do they &eed ' pi)t!re> #he& do they &eed these thi&gs> So,e o+ it ='s ,ir')le. Did yo! see =h't I s'=> The light> Do yo! thi&$ =e ')t!'lly s'= her le've> 9iH "eg'& to t'$e 7','Fs thi&gs do=& +ro, the ='lls( +ro, o!t o+ the dr'=ers( the pi)t!res( the )lothes. 7ost o+ the )lothes did&Ft re'lly "elo&g to herI they =ere h'&d1,e1do=&s +ro, other =o,e& =ho died. #h't ='s le+t o+ hers> So little. Not e&o!gh to +ill ' "oD. She h'd let go o+ everythi&g. She dispossessed hersel+. The poor i& spirit. The )hild =ho h'd &othi&g o+ her o=&. 86&less yo! "e)o,e 's little )hildre&(: .es!s s'id. 9iH ='&ted to do this &o=( org'&iHe thi&gs. It helped her )ope. #e le+t ,ost o+ the )lothes. I ='&ted her h't( her t'ttered "lo!se =ith the gree& '&d "!rg!&dy +lo=ers. She =ore it so o+te&. 9iH too$ the vest I )ro)heted. The "!r&t or'&ge '+gh'& I ,'de ='s lost. It ='s G!st p'st &oo&. #e did&Ft ='&t to "e there =he& the he'rse 'rrived. #e ='&ted to le've her 's she ='s( there i& "ed. ;thers =o!ld )'re +or her "ody. #e too$ her h'&ds '&d +or,ed ' )ir)le. #e s'&g 87'y the Ro'd Rise 6p to 7eet Yo!.: Yo! 're the love o+ ,y he'rt. <ood &ight. I too$ the ros'ry '&d p!t it "')$ i&to the ,edi)i&e po!)h. 9iH )rossed 7','Fs h'&ds over her he'rt. She l'!ghed G!st ' little '&d )o,,e&ted th't 7',' &ever i& her li+e held her h'&ds G!st li$e th't. 9iH st'rted +or the )'r. I stood 'lo&e =ith 7','Fs "ody +or ' ,o,e&t. <od1speed( 7','. I $issed her. I t!r&ed '&d ='l$ed +ro, the roo,. 15A A CRY IN THE DESERT This is ho= 0yro& -'tie )'& s'y there is &o de'th. %or, is 'll th't dies '&d( eve& i& th't eve&t =e )'ll 8de'th(: +or, is &ot eli,i&'ted( si,ply )h'&ged( tr'&s+or,ed( "ro!ght "')$ '&d hidde& i& <od. All o+ E'ster d'y I 'llo= ,ysel+ to +lo= +ro, +or, to +or,. The +or, o+ "re'd do!gh risi&g. The +or, o+ roses( )!t( pl')ed i& ' v'se. The +or, o+ "ird so&g +ro, ' dist'&)e. The +or, o+ .oh& '&d his "rother 'rg!i&g politi)s. The +or, o+ spri&g gree& hills. The +or, o+ C'li+or&i' poppies &oddi&g i& the =i&d. I ', &ot this "ody. This "ody is "!t o&e o+ the +or,s I t'$e. 7y ,other is &ot de'd. Her li+e is hidde& =ith Christ( i& <od. 156 9I/IN< A %699 9I%E It is r're +or 0yro& -'tie to ,eet =ith ' gro!p '&d &ot "e 's$ed '"o!t de'th. A =o,'&( eyes "ri,,i&g =ith te'rs( 's$s '"o!t her +'ther =ho re)e&tly died. A ,'& =ith )'&)er s'ys he +e'rs his de'th. 0yro& respo&ds ge&tly. #h't +ollo=s is ' )o,pil'tio& o+ those respo&ses. I+ IF, to "e '='re o+ livi&g ' +!ll li+e( I ,!st "e s!))ess+!l i& dyi&g ' tho!s'&d ti,es e')h d'y. Every "elie+ I let go o+ is de'th ? de'th o+ old )o&)eptsP"elie+s th't do&Ft serve( "elie+s p'ssed o& +ro, the "egi&&i&g tho!ght( th't yo! )'ll ti,e. #he& h!,'&s "elieve de'th to "e ' terri"le thi&g '&d do&Ft ='&t it '&d they "elieve th't '&ythi&g thre'te&i&g their s'+ety =ill )'!se de'th( they si,ply 're livi&g i& the +e'r th't they =ill 8$ill: their "odies( '&d there+ore die. De'th is ' s=eet( =o&der+!l thi&g th't h's "ee& distorted. ;&e ='y yo! )'& $&o= th't is to $&o= th't 'll h!,'& thi&$i&g is ' ,irror i,'ge !&less it )o,es +ro, ' pl')e =here there is &o )o&tr')tio& +elt o& the "ody d!ri&g the tho!ght. I+ yo! thi&$ o+ i&G!ry to yo!r "ody( yo! '!to,'ti)'lly '&d( perh'ps( !&)o&s)io!sly 're eDperie&)i&g o+ de'th. -&o= th't yo!r tho!ght is i&s'&e. %or eD',ple( I )'& thi&$ '"o!t t'$i&g '& 'irpl'&e '&d( i+ it =ere to )r'sh( I =o!ld "e pe')e+!l o& the ='y do=& "e)'!se I $&o= ho= very "e'!ti+!l the ,o,e&t to ,o,e&t o+ li+e is. #hy =o!ld I ,iss the trip do=& "y 15C A CRY IN THE DESERT proGe)ti&g =h't is&Et> N',ely( de'th. There is o&ly o&e de'th: the +'lli&g '='y o+ !&tr!e "elie+. Every ti,e yo! go o& ' trip yo! le've everythi&g yo! h've here. Yo! le've yo!r he'rtFs desires. Yo! le've yo!r ho,e '&d yo!r i&terests '&d yo!r +',ily ? the sy,"ols yo! hold ,ost de'r( =h't yo! thi&$ yo! live +or. 0!t yo! le've. Yo! G!st do it. ;&ly yo!r tho!ghts th't yo! get to go "')$ ho,e to the, ,'$es yo! )o,+ort'"le =ith le'vi&g. I+ yo! +elt yo! )o!ld &ever go "')$ there 'g'i&( itFs possi"le th't yo! =o!ld "e +eeli&g 'll $i&ds o+ tor,e&t. To le've is 's good 's to st'y. I+ yo! 're sitti&g 't ho,e '&d yo! do&Ft ='&t to le've "!t so,eo&e )'lls '&d s'ys( 89etFs go to Dis&eyl'&d(: 'll o+ ' s!dde& yo! ='&t to le've. This is the re'so& yo! do&Ft ='&t to die. Yo! do&Ft h've the higher i&+or,'tio&. Yo! do&Et tr!st de'th. It is ' l')$ o+ +'ith to s'y th't livi&g is higher th'& =h't =e )'ll de'th. This is i&s'&e( !pside do=& thi&$i&g th't $eeps !s +ro, livi&g 9i+e i& this ,o,e&t( i& Re'lity. Yo!r ego h's to terri+y yo! 'll the ti,e or yo! =o!ld go ho,e to <od i& the "ody 's I h've do&e. This is =h't IF, here to live. #he& =e 're o!t o+ thi&$i&g( =he& =e let go o+ h'vi&g to $&o= 'll the =hys( =he&s( =heres ? the& everythi&g th't Is "e)o,es visi"le. The )o&s)io!s&ess o+ the Is&ess( the s',e 's de'th( )o,es thro!gh. The Is&ess is$ =itho!t eDte&sio&. There is &o per)eptio&( +or,( tho!ght. This is so,eti,es s)'ry +or h!,'&s "e)'!se they do&Ft eDp'&d their )o&s)io!s&ess e&o!gh to gr'sp this( so they st'y terri+ied. The per+e)1 tio& is i&)o&)eiv'"le( espe)i'lly th't it )o!ld )o,e +ro, "ei&g still '&d *!iet '&d +ree o+ !seless "elie+sI +ree o+ "elie+s th't( o+ the,selves 're !seless. I+ h!,'&s )'&Ft 152 "elieve they )'& )re'te so,ethi&g( 's i+ they =ere gods( they te&d to "elieve they 're &ot +!l+illi&g their p!rpose. ;!r p!rpose is si,ply to $&o= o!rselves 's th't th't =e 're. Cre'tio& is 'lre'dy )re'ted. C'&Ft yo! see> I& the Is&ess =e ,erge =ith <od. #e dis)over th't ,ergi&g =he& =e go "')$ to the he'rt pl')e '&d to!)h Ho,e. #e 'll ye'r& +or '&d h've the '"ility o+ goi&g there ? goi&g Ho,e. 0!t every "elie+Ptho!ght: =e h've t'$es !s '='y +ro, <od. This 'g'i& is de'th. It is ' )o&s)io!s de'th. So to ='$e +ro, erro&eo!s "elie+: th't is 9i+eJ 9iter'lly( h!,'&s live i& dyi&g. 9ive to dieJ A&d =e +e'r =h't =e live +orJ So,eti,es =e +e'r the sorro= =e thi&$ o!r de'th =o!ld "ri&g to those =e love. 0!t o!r "eloveds =o!ld ,ove right 'lo&g. 9oo$ 't '&y +',ily =ho h's lost so,eo&e '&d p'y 'tte&tio& to ho= they 'dG!st. ED)essive grievi&g )'& de,o&str'te ' lot o+ proGe)tio&. There is p'i& i&( 8#ho is goi&g to t'$e )'re o+ ,e> #h't ', I goi&g to do =itho!t her> ;h( ,y <odJ I )'&Ft live =itho!t herJ: Those 're their tho!ghts. #h't they 're goi&g to do is go to =or$( )le'& the ho!se( )'rry o&. They =ill do everythi&g they do( 's i+ yo! =ere o&ly go&e +or the =ee$e&d. ED)ept( they 're goi&g to )'rry o& 'll the ,e&t'l p'i& '&d the proGe)t o+ 8poor ,e( ,y "eloved is go&eJ: #h't ' per+e)t opport!&ity to s!++erJ 8I =ill !se yo!r de'th to s!++erJ: 6lti,'te sel+ish&essJ 8Yo! )'&Ft )'!se the, p'i& '&d s!++eri&g. Th't is theirs. The +')t is th't o& the d'y o+ yo!r +!&er'l they =ill =o&der( 8#ho is goi&g to do the dishes> #ho is goi&g to se&d the th'&$ yo! &otes> #here 're the g!ests goi&g to sleep to&ight>: They 're goi&g to !se yo! i& the &',e o+ 8oor ,eJ oor ,eJ ;h( she ='s so =o&der+!lJ: All these 159 A CRY IN THE DESERT ,')hi&'tio&s 're their proo+ th't it is legiti,'te to s!++er. I =o!ld s'y( 8Do&Ft s!++er i& ,y &',eJ: I& ,y Re'lity( de'th is 9i+e. The o&ly di++ere&)e is o!r opi&io&. I te')h o&e: the =orld te')hes the other. ;&e servesI the other =o&Ft. I )hoose the o&e th't serves. This is s'&ityJ To del!de ,ysel+ i&to thi&$i&g de'th is "'d is i&s'&e. No o&e $&o=s th't de'th is "'d. #e loo$ 't the s!rvivors o+ the de'th o+ ' "eloved '&d =e s'y( 8;h( itFs "'d.: Not tr!eJ ;&ly +or the poor del!ded people =ho 're le+t "ehi&d =ho 're )hoosi&g s!++eri&g. 8I did&Ft do e&o!gh. I did&Ft tell hi, =h't I sho!ld h've "e+ore he died. #ho is goi&g to t'$e )'re o+ ,e> #h't ', I goi&g to doI heFs &ot here> eople !se this "e'!ti+!l eDiste&)e o+ li+e to s!++erJ #h't they )'ll de'th I )'ll ' Cele"r'tio& o+ 9i+e. 0e)'!se they )'&Ft see it th't ='y( it "e)o,es ' legiti,'te opport!&ity to s!++er. ;&e o+ the "iggest dr','s =e )'& )re'te is s!++eri&g. De'th o+ ' )lose o&e is ' &e= opport!&ity to give ,e =h't they g've ,e '&d to 'ppre)i'te )re'tively 's I do it. The ego !ses the tho!ght o+ de'th to sep'r'te !s +ro, <od. The ego is ' tho!ght syste, =e perpet!'te thro!gh the ge&er'tio&s '&d e')h perso& "!ilds o& it. The ego s'ys =e h'd "etter "e '+r'id. It p'rti)!l'rly h's its po=er i& o!r +e'r o+ de'th. So =e he'r( 8#'t)h o!t( do&Ft r!& i& the street.: The& =e h've ,'&y tho!ghts '"o!t "ei&g h!rt( or "ei&g $illed( or "ei&g i&)'p')it'ted( or "ei&g i& s!++eri&g( '&d =e "!ild o& those tho!ghts =ith 'll $i&ds o+ +'&t'sies. Eve&t!'lly( i+ the distortio& o+ thi&$i&g is stro&g e&o!gh( =e "egi& to st'y i& the ho!se "e)'!se o+ the +e'r. A&d the ego )o&ti&!es to terri+y !s =ith other tho!ghts '&d "elie+s. I te')h: Do&Ft "e )'re+!lI yo! ,ight h!rt yo!rsel+. #he& =e h've '& i&t!itive tho!ght it is o!r i&1 to!)h1&ess =ith the Cre'tor. 0!t the& =e thi&$( 8This is 1A3 ,y o=& ide'(: '&d th't tho!ght the ego t'$es over the )re'tio&( the gi+t( the divi&e&ess( '&d the tr!e +lo= stops. The ego "elieves it is i& )o&trolI the& =e e++ort( =e pl'&( =e =orry( =e =or$ h'rder "e)'!se the ego is i& +e'r i+ it thi&$s it is&Ft i& )o&trol. %e'r is "!ilt !po& ' ,!ltit!de o+ "elie+s '&d its &',e is dis1e'se. 0ody +ollo=s ,i&d '&d re+le)ts this visi"ly. Th't is &ot livi&g. #e live =he& =e 're i& &o&"elie+ ? ope&( ='iti&g( tr!sti&g '&d lovi&g to do the thi&g 'ppe'ri&g i& +ro&t o+ !s. 9i+e is 'v'il'"le =he& =e let go o+ old )o&)epts th't do&Ft serve !s. There is o&ly the de'th o+ the ego. Everythi&g other th'& the lie is .oy '&d 9i+e. This is Tr!th. #e )'& $&o= it thro!gh o!r so&s( d'!ghters( +rie&ds( h!s"'&ds( '&d =ives. They( li$e the "ody( 'ppe'r 's the re+le)tio& o+ o!r ,i&ds "o!&)i&g "')$ th't =e ,'y see o!rselves. Yo! ,ove tot'lly '='y +ro, the ,i&d o+ <odP<ood =he& yo! "elieve yo! h've ' legiti,'te re'so& to s!++er. It is the st'te o+ the !lti,'te A&ti1Christ. eople )'& the& s'y( 8;h( =hy did she le'veI =hy did she le've>: ;&e '&s=er is( 8<od is G!st ' re'l so&1o+1'1"it)h. The& they )'& re'lly $eep the,selves de'd si)$. The Tr!th o+ 8#hy did she le've: is: 8SheFs go&eJ: Ho= do =e $&o= itFs +or the "est> SheFs go&eJ Re'lity is. Ho= do =e $&o=> Here it is. -&o= there is &o de'thJ Dise'sed )ells stop re+le)ti&g "')$( =ill rel'D '&d stop ,!ltiplyi&g =he& yo! $&o= this. #he& yo! 're t'$i&g ,edi)i&e or doi&g so,ethi&g to $ill s!)h )ells 's )'&)er( $&o= they 're s!pre,e i& their i&tellige&)e. They 're the "odyI they =ill s!rvive !&told o"st')les. Yet they 're ,!t'tio&s '&d they 're ,'sters. They thrive o& +e'rJ They 're +e'r. #he& there is &o +e'r re+le)ti&g +ro, ,i&d( they rel'D '&d "e)o,e this "e'!ti+!l "le&d o+ the syste, '&d +'ll '='y. 0!t 's 1A1 A CRY IN THE DESERT yo! 're s)'ri&g yo! K+e'r o+ de'th( =hi)h is to s'y( tho!ghts opposite o+ <odP<oodL( tho!ghts re+le)t "')$ 's =h't =e )'ll )'&)er )ells. C'll it +e'r( &ot )'&)er. C'll it !&tr!e "elie+ syste,s( &ot )'&)er. -&o= yo!rsel+. Yo! 're yo!r )'&)er. Yo! 're the so,ethi&g th't +eeds yo!r de'th. It is&Ft o&ly )'&)er )ells "!t '&y dise'se =e h've )re'ted th't =e &',e +oreig& to o!r syste,. Ho= )'& I $&o= ,y ,i&d i+ ,y "ody does&Ft re+le)t ,i&d "')$ to ,e> C'!se '&d e++e)t. <od is good ? I )re'te )'&)er thi&$i&g other=ise. %e'r is ' +!ll1ti,e .o". %e'r is the h!,'& )o&ditio& =he& =e +orget. %orgetti&g is ' =ord +or p'i& '&d s!++eri&g. Re,e,"eri&g is pe')e '&d he've&. 6&le'r& +e'r. 7'$e Tr!th 'v'il'"le to yo!rsel+. Yo! do&Ft $&o= =h't de'th is. I+ yo! did( yo! =o!ld reGoi)e. T'$e the po=er +ro, the =ord. Every ti,e yo! thi&$ the =ord death$ thi&$ %ife. %e'r is si,ple to thi&$. Yo! )o!ld lose so,ethi&g or &ot get so,ethi&g. Yo! die over the +e'r o+ the so,ethi&g( "!t =he& yo! loo$ 't the +e'r i& Tr!th it 'l='ys "re'$s do=& to yo!r ,i&d "ei&g '+r'id o+ dyi&g. I& h!,'&$i&d =e h've "ee& t'!ght erro&eo!s "elie+s. I+ yo! reverse these "elie+s '&d go to the other pol'rity or opposite ide'( yo! pretty ,!)h h've the Tr!th. I ='&t to reiter'te: I+ yo! 're i& +e'r( yo! &eed to t!r& +ro, th't +e'r '&d ill!sio& to='rd the opposite pole i& order to "e i& Tr!th. #he& yo! +i&d ' "'l'&)e =ith this( yo! "e)o,e ' respe)ter o+ 9i+e '&d the 6&$&o=&. There is ' "odily dis)o,+ort =he& the tho!ght is i& +e'r. #e )'ll this ' +eeli&g. #ith pr')ti)e yo! )'& le'r& to ')$&o=ledge the +eeli&gFs origi&. %or so,e people it is ' t=ist i& the sol'r pleD!s or ' p'i& i& the g!t. Th't is the $ey. Th't is ho= =e )'& !se the "ody. It is the $ey th't yo! h've G!st +or,ed '& ide' th't does&Ft =or$. It 1A4 does&Ft ,ove to='rd pe')e. Yo! go i&side yo!rsel+ '&d 's$: 8Is this '& ho&est tho!ght> #h'tFs i& it +or ,e to h've this tho!ght> C'& I $&o= '&ythi&g "!t good( re'lly>: A& eD',ple is: 87y +'ther is 'rrog'&t.: This is ge&er'lly &ot ' pe')e+!l tho!ght. %eel the )o&tr')tio& i& the "ody( perh'ps i& the he'rt( the sol'r pleD!s( the g!t( the &e)$. The& yo! )'& re'liHe th't yo! ='&t hi, to "e di++ere&t. Yo! do&Ft ='&t hi, to "e hi,sel+( to h've his o=& tho!ghts( to "e his o=& perso&. Yo! ='&t hi, to "e '&d do everythi&g i& the ='y yo! =o!ld de,'&d i+ yo! )o!ld. Yo! h've proGe)ted yo!r o=& 'rrog'&)e o&to hi,( o&to so,eo&e o!tside yo!rsel+. Re'liHi&g yo!r o=& 'rrog'&)e =ill 'llo= yo! to rele'se hi, to "e =ho he is. The& yo! 're +ree too. Yo! 're +ree +ro, '&ger( 'rrog'&)e( +e'r( p'i&( '&d "odily )o&tr')tio&. Yo! h've ret!r&ed Ho,e to e')e '&d .oy. 7y +'ther is 'rrog'&t> I ', 'rrog'&t to thi&$ ,y +'ther is 'rrog'&t. It is ,y 'rrog'&)e i& th't o&e si,ple .!dg,e&t th't si)$e&s ,y "ody. Ho= else )o!ld I $&o= ,y ,i&d is o++> Th'&$ yo!( "ody( +or re+le)ti&g ,y ,i&d. To )h'&ge K,yL +'ther is hopeless. C'& I re)og&iHe ,y o=& 'rrog'&t G!dg,e&t o+ hi,> #he& I )'& see it is &ot hi,( it is me( IF, h'l+='y Ho,e. #he& I )'& see ,y o&ly g!ilt ='s ,y error i& thi&$i&g( IF, he'led =holly. #he& yo! "elieve others sho!ld thi&$ '&d ')t 's yo! do( it is 'l='ys goi&g to )'!se dise'se o& yo!r "ody. Al='ysJ It t'$es ' gre't de'l o+ )o&s)io!s&ess to !&der1 st'&d this( "!t yo! h've "ee& G!dgi&g th't p'rt o+ =ho you 're( yo!r so!l( =he& yo! G!dge so,eo&e else. .!dgi&g is 'g'i&st the pri&)iple o+ 9ove. #he& yo! G!dge the eDperie&)es other people )hoose( yo! 're o!t o+ Tr!th. They &eed to )hoose their o=& eDperie&)es( to 1AB A CRY IN THE DESERT +!l+ill their o=& so!l Go!r&ey. Yo! &eed to do yo!r o=&. So yo! "ri&g it "')$ i&to yo!rsel+: 8He is &o $i&d o+ +'therJ ... NoJ I ', &o $i&d o+ so& to G!dge hi, 's =h't I )'&&ot $&o=.: He is o++ the hoo$. Yo! do&Ft h've to )o&tr')t '&d "e i& dis1e'se. Yo! 're )orre)ted. He is livi&g his li+e the ='y he is )hoosi&g. There 're three $i&ds o+ "!si&ess: ,y "!si&ess( yo!r "!si&ess( '&d <odFs "!si&ess. I+ I st'y o&ly i& ,y "!si&ess( I =ill "e he'ledJ Alert yo!rsel+ to the Tr!th. #h't is it yo! thi&$ yo! 're '"o!t to lose> #h't is it yo! ='&t> Noti)e )'re+!lly( "e)'!se these 're +e'r tho!ghts '&d =ill )'!se yo! p'i& '&d ,isery. The& 's$ yo!rsel+: 8Do ,y tho!ghts =or$ to ,'$e ,e h'ppy> Do they "ri&g ,e Goy> I h've ' )hoi)eI do I )hoose 9i+e or de'th>: Yo! h've this opport!&ity every ,o,e&t. It is&Ft l'ter. It is i& every ,o,e&tJ 9etti&g go. 6&le'r&i&g. 6&le'r&i&g th't there is de'th other th'& i& yo!r thi&$i&g. Yo! 're dyi&g every ,o,e&t yo! do&Ft )hoose to )orre)t tr!ly '& ide' th't does&Ft "ri&g pe')e. 9ivi&g i& Tr!th is =h't .oy is. A&ythi&g short o+ th't is =here de'th is. A&d ide's )o,e i&to th't de'th ? li$e 8;h ,y <od( IE, goi&g to die '&d it ,!st "e terri"leJ: #e ,!st !&le'r& th't. There is o&ly 9i+e. De'th is '& ide'. 9i+e is re'l. Th't is =hy it is so p'i&+!l =he& =e do&Ft $&o= th't. eople ='l$ 'ro!&d i& the p'i&+!l physi)'l res!lt o+ ,i&d '&d +orget the Tr!th th't 9i+e is .oyJ S!++eri&g is G!st s!++eri&g. I+ I lose th't preG!di)e( I do&Ft h've to s!++er '&y,ore. IFve )hose& to )h'&ge ,y ,i&d '&d &ot s!++er '&y,ore. The ='y I )hoose to live is i& .oy. I& Re'lity( I )hoose &ot to s!++er '&y ,ore. Every perso& sho!ld stop '&d thi&$: 8#he& did I s!++er l'st eD)ept i& ,y ,i&d>: 1A5 To live i& +e'r is the i&'"ility to dis)er& Re'lity. Yo! 're livi&g i& the +e'r o+ =h't yo! per)eive 's the 6&$&o=&( '&d +e'r o+ the 6&$&o=& is the +e'r o+ de'th. It is +e'r i& 9i+e th't =e 're eDperie&)i&g %e'r o+ de'th is +e'r o+ 9i+e. This is ' very high '='re&ess. E')h ti,e yo! ,ove '='y +ro, the pe')e this '='re&ess "ri&gs( yo! h've to loo$ 't the tho!ghts th't p!ll yo! '='y. The& yo! 're give& '"ility to he'l the tho!ghts( '&d yo! )'& rele'se the, '&d go "')$ ho,e 'g'i&( "')$ i&to the gr')e o+ <ood( i&to pe')e. #he& yo! step o!t o+ the +e'r '&d i&to Tr!th( the livi&g is right there i& +ro&t o+ yo! to "e eDperie&)ed &o=. 0e)'!se it is the 6&$&o=& '&d )o,es !p 's =e per)eive it( =e )'&Ft pl'& or plot it. It is =o&der+!l( Goy+!l 9i+e. Th't is =hy the =ords 8I ', 'v'il'"le 're so i,port'&t. Yo! )'& "e 'v'il'"le to the Cre'tor( to the Cre'tio&( to the 0ody o+ <od. I& ,y de'th eDperie&)es( I re'liHed I +ell i&to ' )o&s)io!s st'te th't is ,!)h higher th'& =h't I eDperi1 e&)ed "e+ore. Th't is =h't I ', here to report. There &ever h's "ee& ' de'th. There &ever =ill "e ' de'th. E')h ti,e I h've eDperie&)ed =h't people )'ll 8le'vi&g the "ody(: I re'liHe th't &ot o&)e h've I re'lly le+t. #e do&Ft le've the "ody. There is &o=here to go. #e 're This No=. Everythi&g is )o&s)io!s&ess. All o!r so1 )'lled ,ille&&i' o+ te')hi&gs h've "ee& th't <od '&d de'th 're o!tside o+ !sJ Not tr!e i& ,y eDperie&)e. #e 're This( No= '&d No= '&d No=J This is the other re'l,. This is the All Th't Is. ;!t o+ tho!ght yo! )'& $&o= th't. Yo!J Yo! )'& $&o= th't tooJ I ', here to report to people. I+ I ', the '='re&ess o+ Co&s)io!s&ess1;"servi&g1Itsel+( yo! 're th't eDperie&)e( too. 1AA A CRY IN THE DESERT A CRY IN THE DESERT THE CRY IN ;6R S;69S I ', )'!ght "y =h't I do &ot ='&t to tell. 0yro& -'tie s'ys to =rite. #e 're the s',e( she s'ys. Th'tFs +i&e =he& it ,e'&s I ', the "e'!ti+!l o&e I see i& +ro&t o+ ,e( =he& I loo$ i& her eyes '&d see the love there. 0!t IFve he'rd the stories o+ her p'st. They )'lled her 8hell o& =heels.: They )'lled her 8$iller.: They ,e'&t th't she )o!ld =or$ ' de'l( get ,o&ey( "e po=er+!l. I do&Ft ='&t to repe't this story "e)'!se I do&Ft ='&t to re')h i&to ,ysel+ =here I ', th't o&e. I do&Ft ='&t to see ,y o=& d'r$ side. .!st let yo!r +i&gers tell it( 0yro& -'tie s'ys. She s'ys( 8Tell it( ho&ey.: She $&o=s =e 'll 're this o&e( 'll the s',e o&e( 'll =ith this d'r$&ess I do&Ft ='&t to see. I resist her. %or ' ye'r I resist. I let other people tell the story: her ,other( her )hildre&( her +irst h!s"'&d. I tell ,ysel+ they $&o= "etter. I le've the story i& their =ords. I $&o= IFve +'iled ,ysel+ '&d yo!. I prete&d I do&Ft $&o=. The "oo$ is 'l,ost re'dy +or the press. A =o,'& )'lls ,e o& the pho&e. A&other )o,es to ,y ho!se. They re'd the ,'&!s)ript. They tell ,e so,ethi&g is =ro&g. IFve =ritte& the +')ts. IFve &ot =ritte& the =hole Tr!th. Tr!th shi&es 's the esse&)e o+ everythi&g. It is the 9ight shi&i&g i& d'r$&ess. It is the so!r)e o+ every )ry. #e 're e')h ' )ry i& the desert. As lo&g 's I de&y th't )ry( I )'&Ft $&o= this =o,'&( this 0yro& -'tie. I )'&Ft $&o= ,ysel+. The )ry is ' st!,"li&g "lo)$. It is ' )ry o!t o+ everythi&g th'tFs d'r$( 'go&iHi&g( dyi&g. It is the )ry o+ de'th. It is the )ry 't the edge o+ ' li+e o+ 1A2 dre',s. This )ry re&ds the dre',( te'rs it li$e p'per( li$e )loth( li$e ' ,'s$. This )ry ='$es !s !p to Re'lity. There is ;&e. ;&e )ry. ;&e '='$e&i&g. ;&e Tr!th. She is "or&. ;&e d'y she thi&$s she is &ot loved. She "!ilds ' li+e o& th't tho!ght. She holds her li+e '&d sh'$es it( de,'&di&g to "e loved. She does =h'tever she $&o=s ho=. She ,'rries( ,'$es )hildre&( ,'$es ,o&ey( ,'$es de'ls( ,'$es her ,'s$( '&d is )o&)e'led "ehi&d it eve& +ro, hersel+. She is lost. She is '&gry. She is desper'te. She )ries o!t. The ,'s$ te'rs. Her story is th't si,ple. She =restles =ith her de,o& '&d is =o!&ded. She ='$es !p +ro, her dre', '&d +i&ds th't she is the 9ove. Her story is th't '&)ie&t. She is =h't =e 'll 're. To $&o= her story I ,!st +i&d it i& ,ysel+. No o&e is eDe,pted +ro, this =or$. So,e ti,e( ho!rs or d'ys( '+ter ,eeti&g 0yro& -'tie( people "egi& 's$i&g ho= she )',e to "e the )le'r( lovi&g( Goyo!s =o,'& th't she is. 8#ere yo! 'l='ys li$e this>: they 's$. 8#h't h'ppe&ed to ,'$e yo! this ='y> #h't is yo!r story> 8 She s,iles '&d tries to tell o+ her li+e "e+ore '='$e&i&g. She does&Ft eD')tly 8re,e,"er: i& the )o,,o& ='y =e !&derst'&d =h't it is to re,e,"er. She lives =itho!t '& eDperie&)e o+ ti,e. The p'st is &o&eDiste&t. Everythi&g is &o=. She spe'$s i& s&ippets o+ =h't =e =o!ld )'ll her p'st eDpe1 rie&)e. She tells the )hro&ology( 's it ,'$es itsel+ prese&t to her. ;&e ,!st liste& to her o+te& i& order to )olle)t the pie)es '&d +it the, together. Eve& the& the story ,'y &ot "e )o,plete. 1A9 A CRY IN THE DESERT It does&Ft ,'tter. It is everyo&eFs story. This is =h't 0yro& -'tie tells ,e =he& I )o,pl'i& th't I do&Ft $&o= the +')ts =ell e&o!gh to =rite '"o!t her. #h't she thi&$s o+ 's her 8'!to"iogr'phy: i&)l!des !s 'll. The det'ils o+ her li+e "e+ore '='$e&i&g 're se)o&d'ry i+ &ot !&&e)ess'ry. 8#rite '"o!t yo!rsel+(: she s,iles. 8It is 'll the s',e.: I go to her +',ily( her ,other( )hildre&( h!s"'&d( '&d +or,er h!s"'&d. I thi&$ th't "e)'!se o+ her =e'lth( po=er( gl',o!r( '&d the loss o+ these thi&gs( I =ill +i&d ' dr',' o+ e&or,o!s p!"li) i&terest. 0!t =h't I +i&d is so,ethi&g I do&Ft ='&t to =rite. S!++eri&g( I dis)over( is ' ph'&to, th't )'& &'rro= the "o!&d'ries o+ o!r =orlds '&d drive !s i&s'&e i+ =e "elieve th't it is re'l. At the poi&t o+ dis'ppe'r'&)e( the s!++erer )ries o!t. This is the )ry th't re&ds the te,ple veil( splits ope& the ill!sio& =e )re'te( '&d ='$es !s !p. It is the )ry i& the desert. 163 #HAT ANY;NE 7I<HT 0E She ='s "or& 0yro& -'thlee& Reid o& '& i)y De)e,"er 6th i& 0re)$e&ridge( TeD's. It ='s ='rti,e( 1954. 0yro&Fs ,other( 7'rio&( h'd ret!r&ed ho,e to TeD's =ith her +o!r1ye'r1old d'!ghter Sh'ro&. 7'rio& ='&ted to "e =ith her o=& ,other( .'&ie C',p"ell( d!ri&g those l'st ,o&ths o+ preg&'&)y. Ti,es =ere h'rd i& C'li+or&i' =here 7'rio& lived =ith her h!s"'&d( Rod&ey( '&d their d'!ghter. Rod&ey !sed to h've ' Go" i& TeD's "!t ='r r'tio&i&g sh!t do=& the g'soli&e distri"!ti&g )o,p'&y i& 0re)$e&ridge. He +o!&d ' &e= Go" =ith the r'ilro'd i& C'li+or&i'. 0re)$e&ridge( TeD's ='s ' to=& o+ !&der te& tho!s'&d people. #hile 7'rio& ='s gro=i&g !p( it ='s "oo,i&g. ;il '&d ,o&ey g!shed. The& the depressio& hit. 7'rio& le'ves it 't th't 's tho!gh o&e o!ght to $&o=( +eel the slipp'ge( the sile&)es i& the streets( the "ig p!,ps )losi&g do=&. 0yro&Fs ,other spe'$s i& to&es o+ ' ='r, TeD's '+ter&oo&. SheFs i& her eighties &o= '&d lives i& C'li+or&i'( "!t she ='s "')$ i& TeD's =he& her se)o&d d'!ghter )',e slippi&g i&to the =orld i& thirty ,i&!tes +l't o& th't )old '&d i)y De)e,"er d'y. 8It ='s very( very )old +or th't p'rt o+ TeD's. There ='s i)e '&d s&o= o& the gro!&d( =hi)h ='s &ot !s!'l. #e got !p '&d I dressed Sh'ro&( the oldest( +or S!&d'y S)hool. She ='s the o&ly o&e I h'd 't th't ti,e. I ='l$ed her to the )h!r)h. I did&Ft re'liHe =h't I ='s getti&g i&to ? re'dy to h've ' "'"y '&d t'$i&g '& i)y( s&o=y ='l$ ? "!t I did it 'll the s',e. I +elt !&)o,+ort'"le "!t I did&Ft re'lly eDpe)t to h've the "'"y th't &ight.: 161 A CRY IN THE DESERT She dropped Sh'ro& o++ '&d ,'de her ='y to ' lo)'l rest'!r'&t( ' g'theri&g pl')e +or people i& to=&( ' pl')e to get the &e=s( gossip ' "it( ='r, her h'&ds 'ro!&d ' ste',i&g )!p o+ )o++ee. The ='r +illed every"odyFs ,i&ds. 7'rio&Fs older "rother( Tho,'s( ='s 'lre'dy overse's. Seve&1 tee&1ye'r1old #illi', h'd sig&ed !p '&d ='s ='iti&g 'ro!&d the ho!se to "e )'lled. Eve& her sister( EliH'"eth( h'd le+t her Go" =ith <e&er'l 7otors to Goi& the #ACS. All "!t Tho,'s '&d 7'rio&Fs eldest sister( Dorothy( =ho h'd her h'&ds +!ll =ith ' +',ily o+ her o=&( =ere ho,e th't S!&d'y ='iti&g =ith 7'rio&( $&o=i&g the "'"y =o!ld )o,e soo&. 8They $ept ,e ',!sed d!ri&g the d'y(: 7'rio& re,e,"ers( "!t i& the eve&i&g they le+t to do =h'tever yo!&g people do =he& thereFs ' ='r goi&g o& '&d they ,ight soo& "e overse's. 7'rio& '&d her ,other =ere 'lo&e =he& the l'"or p'i& "eg'&. 9ittle Sh'ro& slept. She )o!ld&Ft "e le+t 'lo&e. .'&ie =o!ld &eed to st'y ho,e =ith her( "!t ho= =o!ld they get 7'rio& to the hospit'l> 8The do)tor ='s ' +',ily +rie&d(: 7'rio& delights i& this story o+ 0yro&Fs "irth. As she spe'$s( e')h pie)e o+ the &'rr'tive is ' ,'rvel to her. I& ' thoro!ghly h!,'& +'shio&( sheFs ,oved "y e')h det'il o+ this "irth 's tho!gh it is ' porte&to!s thi&g reg'rdless o+ ho= )o,,o& it ,ight 'ppe'r to so,eo&e else ? ho= ,!)h li$e '&y "irth. 8A"o!t seve&1thirty the $ids =ere 'll go&e '&d =e h'd &o"ody to $eep the "'"y '&d I $&e= th't I sho!ld go to the hospit'l. So I )'lled ,y do)tor( =ho s'id heFd pi)$ ,e !p '&d t'$e ,e to the hospit'l. 7y ,other st'yed there '&d too$ )'re o+ Sh'ro& !&til o&e o+ the other 164 )hildre& )',e ho,e. 8I h'd the "'"y i& thirty ,i&!tesJ IFd do&e ' +oolish thi&g: #hile I ='ited +or the do)tor I =e&t i& '&d too$ ' hot "'th( =hi)h i,,edi'tely "ro!ght l'"or o& h'rd. I "'rely got to the hospit'lJ 7y ,other sho=ed !p G!st '"o!t the ti,e -'tie ='s "or&. 8She ='s the ,ost "e'!ti+!l "'"y I ever s'=. She ='s&Ft red( she ='s pi&$ '&d =hite '&d ro!&d '&d she h'd +i&ger&'ils '&d )!rls o& her &e)$. ;+ )o!rse they tell 'll the ,others th't( yo! $&o=( FSheFs so "e'!ti+!l.F 0!t she ='sI she ='s G!st ' "e'!ti+!l "'"y.: A+ter siD =ee$s i& 0re)$e&ridge( 7'rio& ret!r&ed to 0'$ers+ield( C'li+or&i'( '&d soo& '+ter='rd her ,other Goi&ed her to help =ith the )hildre&. TeD's +elt lo&ely to .'&ie( =h't =ith everyo&e go&e: Dorothy h'd her o=& li+e '&d the other three =ere 't the ,ilit'ryFs "e)$ '&d )'ll. 7'rio& )o!ld&Ft +i&d help i& 0'$ers+ield( &ot +or ' ,other =ith '& i&+'&t '&d ' +o!r1ye'r1old. A&d she &eeded help. 7'rio& h'd&Ft pl'&&ed o& ,otherhood to "eg'& =he&. She ='&ted to "e ' "!si&ess=o,'& '&d "e+ore the "'"ies )',e she h'd ' +i&e st'rt i& Re'dy to #e'r. She &ot o&ly sold )lothes( "!t she ='s 'lso ' "!yer '&d '))o!&t'&t +or the )o,p'&y. Des)ri"i&g her li+e =ith the "'"ies ? three o+ the,( Rod&ey #illi', ='s "or& t=e&ty1three ,o&ths '+ter 0yro& -'thlee& ? 7'rio& l'!ghs. 8I did&Ft $&o= =h't I ='s doi&g. ;h( I ='s old e&o!ghJ I did&Ft h've ,y +irst "'"y !&til( letFs see( she ='s "or& i& .!ly '&d I ='s t=e&ty1+ive i& A!g!st( so I ='s&Ft yo!&g. 0!t I did&Ft i&te&d to go i&to this +',ily thi&g. IFd &ever $ept ho!se. There =ere&Ft '&y )o&ve&ie&)es ? &o ='shi&g ,')hi&es 16B A CRY IN THE DESERT ? '&d here I ='s =ith t=o "'"ies =ithi& t=e&ty1three ,o&ths o+ e')h otherJ I tho!ght I ='s ' "!si&ess girl( '&d s!dde&ly I h'd three "'"iesJ 0!t =e "oth loved "'"ies. I& th't er' yo! either h'd "'"ies or yo! did&Ft. Yo! tr!sted ' lot to l!)$. #he&ever =e +o!&d o!t =e =ere goi&g to h've '&other o&e( =e =ere very h'ppy '"o!t it. As +'r 's IF, )o&)er&ed( the ye'rs I h'd the )hildre& '&d =hile they =ere gro=i&g !p =ere the "est ye'rs o+ ,y li+e. They =ere =o&der+!lJ: R'ilro'd people ,ove 'ro!&d ' lot. 0'$ers+ield to NeedlesI Needles to 0'rsto= '&d "')$ to Needles. Needles h'd the Color'do River "!t 0'rsto= ='s higher !p '&d )ooler. So,eti,es the he't "e)',e oppressive e&o!gh eve& i& 0'rsto= to drive 7'rio& o!t o+ C'li+or&i' '&d "')$ to her ,other i& TeD's. They tr'veled( too$ the )hildre& '&d =e&t to the So!th( to %lorid'( to the S,o$ey 7o!&t'i&s. Rod&ey =or$ed. 8He ='s ' re'l *!iet ,'&(: 7'rio& s'ys. 8I tho!ght he ='s ' =o&der+!l +'ther. I s!ppose yo! )o!ld s'y his =hole li+e ='s "ei&g the +'ther '&d h!s"'&d. He =or$ed to s!pport !s '&d =e 'l='ys h'd '& e'sy li+e.: They )'lled their ,iddle )hild -'tie. The &',e 80yro&: ='s ' )o&)essio& to the +',ily. .'&ie C',p"ell h'd ' )o!si&( '& orph'& =ho ='s r'ised( i& p'rt( "y .'&ieFs +'ther. The orph'&Fs &',e ='s 0yro&. She )',e to the +',ily =ith ' s,'ll ',o!&t o+ i&herited ,o&ey th't the C',p"ellFs i&vested +or her '&d ret!r&ed to her 't the ti,e o+ her ,'rri'ge. Her h!s"'&d( '& ',"itio!s yo!&g ,'& =ith &o ,o&ey o+ his o=&( p'rl'yed her ,o&ey i&to ' sever'l ,illio& doll'r oil e,pire i& ;$l'ho,'. The ,illio&'ire 0yro& )',e to visit =he& 7'rio& 165 ='s preg&'&t =ith her se)o&d )hild. She )o&+ro&ted .'&ie. 8I &oti)e th't &o&e o+ yo!r )hildre& h've &',ed '&y o+ their )hildre& '+ter ,eJ: .'&ie replied th't she h'd &othi&g to do =ith the &',i&g o+ her gr'&d)hildre&. 8#ell( IFll tell yo! this ,!)h(: 0yro& li+ted her he'd '&d loo$ed do=& o& her )o!si&( 8I+ they do&Ft( thereFs &o"ody else i& the +',ily th'tFs goi&g to le've the, '&y ,o&ey.: A+ter she le+t( .'&ie =e&t to 7'rio&. 8Yo!Fd "etter &',e th't )hild 0yro&.: 7'rio& ='s&Ft '"o!t to "e +or)ed. .'&ie 'rg!ed. 8#ell( yo! $&o=( thereFs 'lso th't rel'tive o+ yo!r d'dFs. His &',eFs 0yro& too.: #he& 7'rio& still ='s &ot )o&vi&)ed( .'&ie ple'ded( 8I =ish yo!Fd do it to ple'se ,e. 0yro& h's&Ft '&y )hildre&. It =o!ld ,'$e her h'ppy. 8 7'rio& l'!ghs '"o!t it &o=. 8I love th't story(: she )h!)$les. 80yro& did le've -'tie +ive tho!s'&d doll'rs( =hi)h ='s e&o!gh( 't the ti,e( to get her thro!gh )oll'ge. Yo! $&o=( -'tie did&Ft )'re ,!)h +or the &',e( 0yro&( "!t it gre= o& her. Her &',e is -'thlee&( 0yro& -'thlee&. Re)e&tly I thi&$ she de)ided she li$es the &',e 0yro& "est. She )h'&ged her li+e 'ro!&d( ,'y"e she +elt the &eed +or ' &e= &',e.: 8#he& -'tie ='s little(: 7'rio& re,e,"ers( 8=e lived i& ' &eigh"orhood o+ t=e&ty1o&e )hildre&( '&d o!rs ='s ' do!"le )or&er lot. I h'd the "iggest y'rd '&d I did&Ft 'llo= ,y )hildre& to ='&der the &eigh"orhood. As ' res!lt I h'd 'll the &eigh"orhood )hildre& i& ,y y'rd. ;&e d'y I =e&t o!t to +i&d -'tie sitti&g o& the )!r" '&d 'll the other $ids pl'yi&g '&d yelli&g. She G!st s't there. IFd see& this "e+ore( so I =e&t o!t '&d s't o& the 16A A CRY IN THE DESERT )!r" "y her( '&d I s'id( FHo&ey( =hy 're&Ft yo! pl'yi&g> Do&Ft yo! ='&t to pl'y>F She t!r&ed her little he'd to='rd ,e '&d s'id( FNo( I do&Ft ='&t to pl'y( 7','I I G!st ='&t to ='t)h.F I !&derstood "e)'!se I ='s ' ='t)her tooI I ='s&Ft ' ,i&gler =he& I ='s ' $id. A&d I s'id( F#ell( 'll right( yo! G!st ='t)hI "!t i+ yo! ='&t to pl'y( yo! go 'he'd '&d Goi& i&.F She s'id( FAll right.F 0!t she =e&t o& ='t)hi&g. She h'd th't little thi&g '"o!t her( to sit "')$ ' lot o+ the ti,e '&d G!st o"serve.: 8I ='s&Ft shy(: 0yro& s'ys &o=. 3+be )'lled it Nshy.F Her stories 're th't I =o!ld sit o& the )!r" '&d s!)$ ,y th!," '&d th't I did&Ft t'l$ !&til I ='s( ,'y"e( +ive or siD. She )'lled it FshyF "!t I do&Ft re,e,"er shy&ess 't 'll. I re,e,"er G!st &ot h'vi&g '&ythi&g to s'y. .!st o"servi&g. 8A ye'r or so 'go I re,e,"ered '& eDperie&)eI )',e "')$ to ,e )le'rly. I $&e= th't the =hole =orld ? th't there ='s &o =orld( th't it did&Ft eDist eD)ept +or the thi&g i& +ro&t o+ ,e. I ='s pro"'"ly three or +o!r ye'rs old. I ='s lyi&g i& "ed i& o!r ho!se i& Needles o& 'l,='y Street. I ='s s!pposed to "e &'ppi&g. I ='s still. I ='s '='re th't ,y ,other ='s =or$i&g "et=ee& the livi&g roo, 're' '&d the $it)he&. The& ,y ,i&d =e&t to '&other )o!&try( ' pl')e IFd he'rd so,eo&e spe'$ o+( '&d I $&e= &o&e o+ it eDisted. ;&ly =h't I )o!ld see eDisted( '&d I ='s to o"serve it. Th't ='s )le'r( so )le'r. As ti,e =e&t o& tho!gh( I lost th't )l'rity "e)'!se the )o&)ept o+ ti,e '&d sp')e is rei&+or)ed here. A&d so I !&le'r&ed =h't I h'd dis)overed '"o!t the &'t!re o+ Re'lity. 7y eDperie&)e is th't =e 'll h've those re)olle)tio&s =he& =e 're *!iet. The ,ore '='re 166 =e "e)o,e( the ,ore =e re,e,"er.: #h't do )hildre& he'r> #h't do they see> A s,'ll girl sits )ross1legged i& the C'li+or&i' s!,,er d!st. Her +')e is s,e'red. No o&e helped her "lo= her &ose. SheFs sti)$y =ith s=e't '&d the ti&y sh'rp sto&es gri&d i&to her legs =here she sits. So,e"ody )o,es o!t o+ the ho!se. ItFs her ,other. Her ,other ='&ts so,ethi&g. 8Do&Ft s!)$ yo!r th!,"J: the little girl he'rs. The s,'ll girl( -'tie( +ollo=s her ,other "')$ to the ho!se '&d her ,other )loses the door. 8-'tie( st'y o!tside.: 9'ter -'tieFs sister( Sh'ro&( goes i&. 9ittle Rod&ey goes i&. Every"ody goes i&side "!t -'tie. She sits i& the hot d!st '&d ='t)hes( '&d she "elieves sheFs &othi&g to "e ='&ted( &othi&g to "e to!)hed( &othi&g to "e loved. 7other s'id st'y o!tside '&d -'tie tho!ght she ,e'&t +orever. Her per)eptio& ='s o++( she he'rd 8+orever.: 9ittle -'tieFs per)eptio& ='s o++. She )o!ld&Ft he'r the ,other =ho s'id 8S=eethe'rt( do&Ft s!)$ yo!r th!,". St'y o!tside &o= '&d yo! )'& )o,e i& i& ' =hile.: 0yro& s'ys th't little -'tie ='s de'+. She stopped 's$i&g. 8I =e&t to the door o&e d'y(: 0yro& -'tie spe'$s lo=( so+tly( 8'&d it ='s lo)$ed. I &ever 's$ed 'g'i&. I st'yed o!t '&d I =o!ld =et ,y p'&ts o!t there '&d I =o!ld sit i& the dirt. I )o!ld +eel the dirt '&d gr'vel o& ,y legs. 1 G!st s't there '&d I =o!ld&Ft )o,e i& !&til ,other s'id so( &ot eve& to the "'throo,. I ='t)hed ,y "rother '&d sister go i& '&d o!t o+ the ho!se +or '&ythi&g they ='&ted. I "elieved th't they )o!ld '&d I )o!ld&Ft( th't I ='s !&loved. 7y "elie+ is =h't sh!t ,e do=& ,ost o+ ,y li+e. I per)eived ,y ,other '&d +'ther 's &ot lovi&g ,e. Tod'y I see )le'rly the i&s'&ity o+ th't )hild th't ='s ,e. It is )le'r ,y p're&ts 'l='ys loved !s e*!'lly. 16C A CRY IN THE DESERT 8Th't ='s ,y sile&)e. I sh!t 9ove o++ +ro, itsel+ '&d it "eg'& to die. Th'tFs the de'th. It s'ys FIF, &ot loved(F '&d it loo$s 'ro!&d +or the lie to prove it. ;r it s'ys FIF, &ot '&d you 're.F ItFs de'th. A&d I do th't ... !&til 1 do&Ft. At +orty1three ye'rs old( '&d '='$e( it )',e to ,e: I orph'&ed ,e. I ,'de ,ysel+ ho,eless( ,otherless. A ,'& lived &eDt door. He s,iled. He i&vited -'tie i&. He t'l$ed to her. He to!)hed "er. She )'lls it 8the ,olest.: She =e&t to hi,. 8I =o!ld&Ft "e s!rprised i+ I did&Ft t'l$ to hi, 't 'llI I thi&$ I =o!ld re,e,"er i+ I did. I G!st ='t)hed hi, '&d he =o!ld do =h't he did. He =o!ld to!)h ,e. I ='s three or +o!r. To "e to!)hed( eve& tho!gh it h!rt( ='s li$e "ei&g ='&ted. I 'llo=ed the to!)h. So,eho= I per)eived it ='s&Ft o$'y 't ho,e( to to!)h( th't 1 =o!ld "e p!&ished. It ='s ,y per)eptio&. 8I re,e,"er th't ,y +'ther ='s "o!&)i&g ,y little "rother o& his l'p '&d I 's$ed i+ I )o!ld do it '&d '&ger )',e o!t o+ hi,. It +elt li$e p!&ish,e&t to ,e. Th't ='s ho= I per)eived it. 0o!&)i&g ='s o$'y +or other people "!t &ot +or ,e. 8NeDt door( 't the other ho!se( he ='&ted to to!)h me. It ='s&Ft !&til I ='s +orty1three th't I le'r&ed( +ro, '& eDperie&)e others )'ll )hild '"!se( th't I =o!ld do '&ythi&g +or 9ove. A&ythi&g +or 9ove. A&ythi&g. This eDperie&)e ='s the te')her o+ F,y &'t!re is 9ove.F 9ove h's &o optio& other th'& to eDperie&)e the revel'tio& o+ itsel+( reve'led. I G!st did&Ft $&o= ho= to do 9ove( '&d so I did =h't ='s 'v'il'"le. I h'd &o te')hers th't I )o!ld he'r s'&ely. 8All Keverythi&gL te')hes 9ove i& the lo&g r!&. A='$e( I !&derst'&d. ;!tside of ti,e '&d sp')e I ', so 162 gr'te+!l to th't eDperie&)e. All &eeds 're s!pplied so th't I )'& !lti,'tely $&o= ,y Sel+. #ho ', I to s'y =h't +or, !&derst'&di&g sho!ld t'$e> Every eDperie&)e o+ ,y li+e is +or this: I give it to yo! 's the <i+t o+ 7e. 7y eDperie&)e is 'll I h've. I ', the <i+t. The F,olestF eDperie&)e is o&e s,'ll +')et o+ the <i+t th't I A,. I A, the $&o=& <i+t i& its e&tirety. These s,'ll +')ets 're the d'r$&esses th't "lo)$ o!t the 9ight. 0ro!ght to !&derst'&di&g they "e)o,e the !lti,'te <i+t( "!t o&ly 'v'il'"le to those =ho 're &o lo&ger =illi&g to "e de'+ or "li&d. The <i+t is ,'de 'v'il'"le o&ly to those =ho 're =illi&g to loo$ "eyo&d =h't they thi&$ they $&o=. 8%ro, three1ye'r1old eyes I h've see& 'll th't I h've done 's ,isdire)ted love( '&d I sh're it =ith you tod'y. 9ove &eed do &othi&g. All o+ the h'r, I did 'll those ye'rs to ,e '&d yo! ? "e)'!se =h't is do&e to o&e is do&e to 'll ? 'll o+ the h'r, I did ='s ,isdire)ted "!t( &oðeless( 9ove.: 169 A CRY IN THE DESERT 7AST6ERADE Ag'i&st the p'i& o+ "ei&g &ot e&o!gh( -'tie )o&str!)ted ' ,'s$. A ,'s*!e. A ,'s*!er'de. A dr',' i& =hi)h she st'rred 's the o&e =ho )o!ld do '&d h've everythi&g. She did&Ft $&o= =h't she ='s doi&g. No o&e does( re'lly( =he& =e )o&str!)t th't ego =hi)h i,'gi&es itsel+ sep'r'te +ro, the ;&e. She ='&ted to s!rvive. She ='&ted to "e so,eo&e. She +orgot the ,olest '&d =h't she )'lls her other i,'gi&ed re'lities. She hid the ,e,ory o+ th't )hild =ho s't i& the dirt '&d =et her p'&ts "e)'!se she "elieved she ='s&Ft =orthy to go i& '&d o!t o+ the ho!se. -'tie )o&)e'led her i&&o)e&)e !&der her p'i& '&d the& d!lled her p'i& =ith e++orts to "e pop!l'r '&d to ')hieve. -'tieFs +',ily o"served +',ily tr'ditio&s( "ro!ght the eDte&ded +',ily together +or holid'ys. Eve& -'tieFs gr'&d,other )',e +ro, TeD's +or )ele"r'tio&s. 7'rio& re)'lls th't -'tie "e)',e the )e&ter o+ +!&. 8There ='s&Ft ' perso& i& the =orld ,ore +!& th'& -'tie. Eve& =he& everyo&e ='s "ored to de'th( -'tie got !s l'!ghi&g(: 7'rio& re)'lls. She ='s o"livio!s to -'tieFs eDperie&)e o+ &ot "elo&gi&g. 8;&)e -'tie h'd ' +eeli&g th't she did&Ft *!ite +it i&. Her sister( Sh'ro&( )o!ld h'rdly "elieve it. Sh'ro& told her( F-'tie( yo! =ere the )'t'lyst +or 'll the +!&JF -'tie ='s the li+e o+ the p'rty.: The ,'s$ "e)',e i&dis)er&i"le( ' se)o&d s$i&. 0y the ti,e she e&tered high s)hool i& Needles( &o o&e g!essed there ='s '&ythi&g else to -'tie "!t this pretty( 1C3 pop!l'r( viv')io!s girl =ho see,ed to "e '"le to get =h'tever she set her ,i&d to. The Reids lived ')ross the street +ro, the Ro"i&so&s. 0o" Ro"i&so&( their so&( =e&t to s)hool =ith -'tieI they =ere i& the s',e gr'de. %or ' ti,ethey )oeDisted i& the &eigh"orhood( h'rdly &oti)i&g prese&)e o+ the other. He ='s ' d'r$1h'ired "oy =ho li$ed sports( =ho got his ='y. She ='s ' pretty "lo&d i& ' )ovey o+ other tee&'ged girls( =hisperi&g se)rets( giggli&g over ,ysteries '"o!t =hi)h ' "oy does&Ft h've ' )l!e. ;&e d'y -'tie =ore ' "l')$ dress =ith ti&y red dots s)'ttered 'll over it li$e st'rs. She stood o!t +ro, the )ro=d. 0o" &oti)ed. ItFs ' he'dy +eeli&g( to "e p!rs!ed. ItFs i&toDi)'ti&g. 0o" ='s( 's 7'rio& des)ri"es( 8dev'st'ti&gly h'&dso,e.: He pl'yed +oot"'ll. He h'd ' )'r. He ='&ted to d'te -'tie. She did&Ft ='&t to h!rt his +eel i&gs( '&d she did&Ft $&o= '&ythi&g else to do "!t =h't he ='&ted. She '))epted. Their p're&ts =orried. 8They loo$ed "e'!ti+!l together(: -'tieFs ,other re,e,"ers. 8#he& they =ere i& high s)hool( -'tieFs +'ther '&d I tried everythi&g to "re'$ !p th't rel'tio&ship. Ho=ever( her +'ther ='s very( very +o&d o+ 0o". He ='s ' +i&e yo!&g ,'& i& lots o+ ='ys. He very e'rly got ' Go" '&d =or$ed 'll thro!gh high s)hoolI the& he =e&t to )ollege. He did thi&gs +or hi,sel+. He )ert'i&ly h'd 'll the re*!ire,e&ts.: 7ost =orriso,e to 7'rio& ='s 0o"Fs i&te&sity o+ =ill. 8He ='s G!st +or)e+!l(: she re+le)ts. 8He ='s deter,i&ed to h've his ='y. HeFd overr!le -'tie "e)'!se he ='s the "iggest. IF, s!re it ,!st h've "ee& ' terri"le thi&g +or her "e)'!se her +'ther ='s s!)h ' *!iet ,'&. I do&Ft s!ppose she ever he'rd her +'ther r'ise his voi)e i& her li+e.: 1C1 A CRY IN THE DESERT 7'y"e it ='s 's 7'rio& s'ys( ,'y"e &ot. -'tie ,'rried 0o". %irst she =e&t to )ollege +or ' =hile i& AriHo&' =hile he did his )ollege sti&t 't S'& 0er&'rdi&o. They "oth *!it. They =ere &i&etee&. #h't do yo! do 't &i&etee&( ,'rried> They lived i& ' little tr'iler i& %res&o. It ='s hot. -'tie ='s preg&'&t. There ='s&Ft e&o!gh o+ '&ythi&g. 0o" h'd ' Go" =ith <UE. -'tie g've "irth to ' so&( 0o"( .r. They ,oved i&to ' little ho!se =ith '& ev'por'tive )ooli&g syste,. <UE ,'&'ge,e&t s'= 0o"Fs pote&ti'l '&d tr'i&ed hi,. erh'ps thi&gs =ere loo$i&g !p. erh'ps the ,'s$ ='s G!st "e)o,i&g eve& ,ore +ir,ly +iDed. The Ro"i&so&s too$ their little "oy '&d ,oved to 0'$ers+ield '&d the& to S'& 9!is ;"ispo( e')h ,ove ' pro,otio& +or 0o". The& they =ere livi&g "')$ i& Needles =here 'lo&gside the <UE Go"( 0o" "eg'& st!dyi&g +or his priv'te ele)tri)'l )o&tr')torFs li)e&se( =hi)h eve&t!'lly p!t hi, i&to "!si&ess +or hi,sel+. ThereFs ' sed!)tive&ess i& ,o&ey '&d possessio&s. It )'& )'pt!re yo!. -'tie h'd '& i&sti&)t +or s!))ess. 0o" "ro!ght the ,o&ey ho,e '&d -'tie i&vested it. She "o!ght !p ,ost o+ the "!si&ess properties i& do=&to=& Needles( C'li+or&i'. 7o&ey g!shed !p li$e oil. They "o!ght property o& the Color'do River '&d the ho!se th't +or,erly "elo&ged to 7'rio& '&d Rod&ey. They +illed it ,'&y &ights '&d =ee$e&ds =ith people =ho dr'&$ their li*!or '&d ,'de de'ls to ge&er'te ,ore ,o&ey. They ,'de roo, +or t=o ,ore )hildre&( Ross '&d RoD'&&. No= there =ere +ive. The )hildre& gre= '&d pl'yed "y the river =hile their p're&ts =or$ed. The Ro"i&so&s got ri)h. They "e)',e po=er+!l. -'tie '&d 0o" =ere s!pposed to "e h'ppyI they =ere livi&g the A,eri)'& Dre',. 1C4 This the& is the dre',( the ,'s*!er'de: -'tie ='&ts ,ore. The ,ovies s'y ,o&ey =ill ,'$e her h'ppy. She h's ,o&ey. T/ s'ys "e po=er+!l( "e sed!)tive( "e gl',oro!s( "e seDy( "e the )e&ter o+ 'tte&tio&. She does 'll th't. -'tie still ='&ts ,ore. She "!ys '&other "!ildi&gI she h's '&other dri&$. She is&Ft h'ppy. The yo!&g )hildre& r!& =ild( !&s!pervised '&d delighted. -'tie is =ild. She p!shes hersel+( '&other proGe)t( st'rts ' "!si&ess =o,e&Fs 'sso)i'tio&. 7ore people )o,e o!t to the river ho!se. She serves hors dFoe!vres '&d +i&e 'ged S)ot)h =his$ey. She "ri&gs o!t the T'&*!er'y '&d sh'$es ' dry ,'rti&i. She ties !p '&other )o&tr')tI she p!shes thro!gh '&other de'l. The )hildre& 're o!t !&til '+ter d'r$. It goes o& +or ye'rs. -'tie ='&ts ,ore. The ,ore she gets( the e,ptier she +eels. She seethes. The e,pti&ess is +!el th't( to!)hed "y '& '&gry =ord( eDplodes. 0o"Fs '&ger yells. -'tie +l'res. %r!str'tio& er!pts. They =or$ !po& e')h other li$e sp'r$s o& oil. 9i$e ele)tri)ity. They to!)h e')h other '&d get "!r&ed. 0o"Fs go&e ' lot. He ,'$es ,o&ey h'&d over +ist. %'&)y ,otels( shoppi&g )e&ters ? ele)tri)'l )o&tr')ti&g is "ig "!si&ess. '!l )o,es over i& the eve&i&g '&d +ishes +ro, the do)$. He ,'$es +rie&ds =ith the )hildre&. HeFs ' poi&t o+ *!iet i& ' stor,. '!l =e'ves thro!gh -'tieFs li+e li$e ' thre'd. He is e'rth1to&ed '&d re'l. She he'rs his voi)e +ro, +'r o++. She re,e,"ers the to&e o+ hi, +ro, her )hildhood. Yo!&g '!l l'!ghed( )'lled o!t( his voi)e ' )'l, thi&g G!st o!tside her "edroo, =i&do= o&)e =he& she ='s ' little( little girl. It ='s the +irst ti,e little -'tie thrilled to he'r ' voi)e. His l'!ghter r'&g i& her. She +ell i& love. She r'& to the =i&do=. #ho ='s this l'!ghter( this 1CB A CRY IN THE DESERT voi)e> She loo$ed +or hi, every d'y. She ='ited +or th't voi)e "!t did&Ft he'r it 'g'i&. '!l =or$s i& )o&str!)tio& too. He is older th'& -'tie "y +i+tee& ye'rs. 0o" thi&$s '!l is o+ ' di++ere&t ge&er'tio&. He does&Ft $&o= th't -'tie h's loved the ,'& +orever. '!l sho=s !p 't ' p'rty give& i& his )o,p'&yFs ho&or. ;&e loo$ '&d -'tie is "')$ i& love. She h's "ee& dri&$i&g he'vily. I& 0o"Fs prese&)e( she tells everyo&e she =ill ,'rry this ,'&( '!l. 0o" st'&ds "y. 7'y"e he he'rs. 7'y"e he p'ys 'tte&tio&. 7'y"e &ot. He does&Ft $&o=( '&d -'tie does&Ft yet re,e,"er( th't she h's loved this older ,'& si&)e '!l ='s &i&etee& '&d p'vi&g the street o!tside her =i&do= i& 1956. Does it ,'tter> '!l does&Ft t'$e the p'i& '='y. Eve& '!l is &ot e&o!gh. He )'&&ot +ill the e,pti&ess. Th'tFs 'll there is. ;ver '&d over. -'tie h's everythi&g She ,ight 's =ell h've =o& the lottery. -'tie h's &othi&g. She ='&ts ,ore. ThereFs 'l='ys ,ore '&d it ',o!&ts to &othi&g. #h't ' sorry Go$e( this ,'s*!er'de. SheFs gorgeo!s '&d she does&Ft )'re. She &ever )'& "e pretty e&o!gh or ri)h e&o!gh or po=er+!l e&o!gh. SheFd h've to h've 'll the ,o&ey( 'll the h!s"'&ds( 'll the ho!ses( everythi&g. The )hildre& 're =ild. The +',ily dog e'ts poiso& '&d dro=&s. There is&Ft '&y ,ore. 1C5 THE HI<HER THIN< %e'r o+ loss ,'g&etiHes !s '='y +ro, Tr!th: loss o+ '))ept'&)e( loss o+ +rie&ds( loss o+ rep!t'tio&( loss o+ positio&( loss o+ dre',s( loss o+ pre)o&)eived ide's( loss o+ "elie+s( loss o+ tr'ditio&s( loss o+ the =orld =eFve spe&t li+eti,es "!ildi&g !p i& o!r i,'ge( loss o+ o!r ide's '"o!t <od. The Tr!th 0yro& tells is o&e IFve 'l='ys $&o=& "!t did&Ft tr!st "e)'!se IFd &ever ,et '&yo&e =ho lived it )o&siste&tly. I +e'red it ,ight "e ' ,ist'$e. #ho ='&ts to let go o+ everythi&g +or ' ,ist'$e> I loo$ 't her '&d see th't =e &ever let go o+ '&ythi&g th't does&Ft "ri&g i& so,ethi&g higher. She )'lls it evol!tio&. ItFs the &'t!r'l ,ove,e&t o+ "ei&g ? to='rd the higher thi&g. #e )'&&ot ,'$e ' ,ist'$e. #h't ='s ,'&i+est i& the l'st ,o,e&t is lost &o=. The prese&t ,o,e&t is. #h'tever the prese&t ,o,e&t "ri&gs is higher( ,ore )o,plete( +illed =ith ,ore pote&ti'l. 0yro& s'ys( 8Ho= do =e $&o=> Here it is.: The p'i&( the "e'!ty( the hope( the "li&d&ess( the tight&ess( the ge&erosity( the te'rs '&d l'!ghter '&d "irth '&d de'th ? li+e itsel+ ? "ri&gs e')h o+ !s to the ,o,e&t o+ Tr!th '&d( tho!gh 'll those +or,er thi&gs h've ev'por'ted li$e ,ist i& the s!&light( here is the %!ll&ess o+ 0ei&g( the higher thi&g. I )o&ti&!e to "e ','Hed "y the t!r& this =o,'&Fs li+e too$. Co&versio&: A t!r&i&g =ithi& the sel+( ' t!r& to='rds Tr!th. ItFs ' "'rely per)epti"le shi+t i& )o&s)io!s&ess th't tr'&s+or,s the =orld. 8I s'= ' &e= he've& '&d ' &e= e'rth(: )ried .oh&( the '!thor o+ the 1CA A CRY IN THE DESERT Book of 7eelation =he& t'$e& !p i&to the s',e eDperi1 e&)e 's 0yro&Fs. 8%or the +irst he've& '&d the +irst e'rth =ere p'ssed '='y@ there sh'll "e &o ,ore de'th( &either sorro=( &or )ryi&g( &either sh'll there "e '&y ,ore p'i&: +or the +or,er thi&gs 're p'ssed '='y: KRev. 41:1( 5L. 0yro&Fs eDperie&)e '&d .oh&Fs 're the s',e. .oh& goes o& to s'y th't i& this &e= he've& '&d e'rth <od '&d the people 're o&e "ei&g. S!)h is 0yro&Fs )o&st'&t )ry. -&o= =ho yo! 're. Eve& i+ it see,s yo! =ill lose everythi&g. Eve& i+ it see,s yo! =ill lose yo!r li+e( yo!r s'&ity( yo!r sel+( do&Et "e '+r'id. The old =orld =ill dis'ppe'r. A&d yo! =ill '='$e to the re'liH'tio& o+ <od1=ith1yo!( to the eDperie&)e o+ the ;&e( the Alph' '&d the ;,eg'( ti,eless&ess( the 0egi&&i&g '&d the E&d( o!t o+ ti,e. 0e+ore the old =orld dis'ppe'rs( th't =orld o+ te'rs( sorro=( '&d de'th( thereFs '& 'po)'lypse. ThereFs ' "'ttle. The se' t!r&s to "lood. The s!& is d'r$e&ed. .oh& )o&str!)ts the story 's '& epi). ItFs perso&'l. ItFs 'lso !&ivers'l "e)'!se the perso&'l '&d !&ivers'l 're the s',e. I& the epi) everythi&g is lost. The old =orld is destroyed. A&d &othi&g is re'lly lost "e)'!se the old =orld ='s ' )o&str!)t o+ o!r little ,i&ds. <od is '&d h's "ee& =ith !s 'll 'lo&g. There is ;&e. The old =orld dis'ppe'rs '&d yet there is &o loss. There is o&ly the higher thi&g. 0yro& -'tieFs 'po)'lypse( her "'ttle o+ Ar,'geddo&( )li,'Des i& 1926 '+ter ye'rs o+ )oll'pse. #ho )'& tell this> #ho eve& !&derst'&ds> SheFs &ot the o&ly o&e +or =ho, there 're &o =ords( ,'y"e "e)'!se the p'i& pre)edes the =ords i& the +irst pl')e. 0e)'!se the p'i& is 'l='ys there( "e&e'th the ,o&ey( pop!l'rity( '&d po=er( "e&e'th the "e'!ty '&d 'll the +rie&ds( "e&e'th the $&o=ledge o+ it. She )'&Ft eve& )'ll 1C6 it p'i&. It is ' seethi&g. It er!pts i& te'rs( i& )ries. It =riggles i& her g!ts '&d she sees it )o,i&g i& =i&do=s( "re'$i&g thro!gh lo)$ed doors( 'tt')$i&g her i& her sleep. She "!ys ' g!&( lo'ds it( ,'$es re'dy +or i&v'sio&. She thi&$s sheFll $ill it. There &ever is e&o!gh to $eep it o!t. At +irst she si&gs '&d the ,!si) dro=&s its )ries "!t )'&Ft re')h +ro, e&d to e&d o+ the e,pti&ess the sile&)e le'ves "ehi&d. She r!&s +ro, everythi&g th't h's&Ft =or$ed: 0o"( the river ho!se( the to=& th't tho!ght they $&e= her( the =o,e& =ho h'd e&vied her( the ,e& =ho ='&ted to +i&d o!t ho= good she ='s i& "ed. She t'$es her )hildre& '&d she r!&s to Nev'd' '&d the& to 0'rsto= '&d p'i& t'$es o& the t'ste o+ d!st. She st'rts over. 0!ys ' "!si&ess. #or$s. She does&Ft $&o= '&other ='y. '!l +ollo=s her. He t'$es '& 'p'rt,e&t i& 0'rsto=. She )'& t'l$ to '!lI so,ethi&g so+t i& hi, re)eives her voi)e. She "eg'& to t'l$ to '!l "')$ i& Needles =he& she +elt her li+e li$e loose&ed )l'y "re'$i&g '='y +ro, the "'&$s '&d slidi&g i&to the s=i+t river )!rre&t. They s't o& the "o't do)$. They drove !priver to st'&d '"ove the )'&yo& ='lls '&d -'tie =ept '&d '!l held her. He pro,ises to t'$e )'re o+ -'tie '&d the )hildre&. She +ig!res she )'& !se so,e )'re. He does =h't he $&o=s ho= to do( "!ys properties( "e)o,es her p'rt&er. She settles i& ' ho!se i& 0'rsto=( ,oves i&to it =ith the )hildre&. He )o,es over every d'y. He is ' god+'ther o+ sorts. He is ' lover. He tries to s've her li+e "!t she is dyi&g. A =ild thi&g lives i&side her '&d )l'=s 't her he'rt. She =or$s 't loo$i&g &or,'l. She sets her teeth. She $eeps the s'v'ge ho=li&g +ro, er!pti&g i&to d'ily 1CC A CRY IN THE DESERT li+e. She s='llo=s it. It e)hoes thro!gh her e,pti&ess. She "!ys ,ore "!ildi&gs. She se&ds her )hildre& to s)hool. She se&ds o!t +or piHH'. She Goi&s her ,other '&d sister +or Th'&$sgivi&g '&d +or Christ,'s '))ordi&g to tr'ditio&. She l'!ghs '&d si&gs 's they eDpe)t her to. '!l holds her h'&d. Her &eed +or hi, "e)o,es ' =hirl=i&d. I& its eye is 'll o+ li+e th't =ill hold still. He is her o&ly )'l,. She goes =ith hi, to T'hoe( to o&e o+ those little =eddi&g )h'pels "y the l'$e( '&d ,'rries hi,. He +eels her slippi&g. HeFd see& it "e+ore i& others. Nervo!s "re'$do=& ? ' +rie&dFs =i+e h'd o&e. It loo$ed li$e this. It loo$s li$e so,eo&e )li,"i&g ' s'&d d!&e. <r'spi&g. Slippi&g. No +ir,&ess '&y=here. E'rth )'vi&g i&. T!,"li&g( slidi&g( o!t o+ )o&trol. EDh'!stio&. S'&d i& eyes( s'&d i& h'ir. Te'rs. S)re',i&g '&d the& sile&)e. /'g!e st'res. 9i,p +i&gers( de'd 'l,ost. The )o&st'&t &eed +or sleep. She does&Ft ='&t to le've the ho!se. She &eeds ='lls. #he& she goes o!tside( the press!re )h'&ges. She thi&$s sheFll )o,e 'p'rt( li$e so,eo&e =ith the "e&ds( so,eo&e disi&tegr'ted "y ' depth )h'rge( so,eo&e +'lli&g +ro, '& %111 stre'$i&g '"ove the desert +i+tee& ,iles high( so,eo&e eDplodi&g i& the thi& 'ir. She +eels the +r'g,e&ts o+ hersel+ +'lli&g( pl!)$ed o!t o+ the s$y "y "irds( s)'ttered over ' ='stel'&d =here &o o&e ever goes "e)'!se there 're &o ro'ds. She is&Ft "ig e&o!gh. Her +lesh +eels tiss!e1p'per thi&. A&ythi&g ,ight te'r thro!gh. She &eeds ,ore o+ it so she =o&Ft dis'ppe'r( i,plode( )oll'pse i&to the v'st sp')e !&der&e'th her s$i&. Al)ohol. 'st'. #i&e. Ri)h s'!)e. Chips '&d dip. Dr!gs. C'&dy. A&ythi&g. So,eti,es i& the $it)he& -'tie =or$s 'll d'y to ,'$e ' +e'st. She +o)!ses o& the +ood 's tho!gh it )o!ld deliver 1C2 her +ro, hell. She e'ts. She gro=s. She "e)o,es ro!&d. 6&,ov'"le. She sits o& her "ed. Ross )!rls 't her side. They e't together. They +ill the,selves. They vo,it. They e't so,e ,ore. ,hy are you so fat> she *!estio&s the "ody i& her ,irror. She orders !p so,e diet pills. She ,elts. The& she e'ts 'g'i&. The p'i& is i& her "loodI it tr'vels every=here. It )lots i& her $&ees( thro"s "ehi&d her eyes. Her "ody "!r&s =ith it. The p'i& is 'live. She h's to $ill it. '!l s'ys )odei&e =ill $ill the p'i&. He "ri&gs )odei&e '&d she t'$es it +ro, his h'&d. He )'lls her 8,y girl: '&d $isses her '&d s'ys the p'i& =ill go '='y( "!t it st'ys. It )r'=ls 'ro!&d i& her li$e =or,s. She )!rls !p i& her "ed. She dies +or ye'rs. She is .o" o& the he'p o+ 'shes pi)$i&g 't her ,i&d. '!l t'$es )'re o+ everythi&g. He $eeps the ho!seI he $eeps the )hildre&I he $eeps the "!si&ess. He h's +o!r he'rt 'tt')$s. -'tie dr'gs hersel+ to the hospit'l '&d "egs hi, to get =ell. #itho!t hi, she )'&Ft live. At &ight she )!rls !p i&to hersel+ '&d st'res 't the d'r$. The ho!se is +'lli&g do=&. At l'st he re')hes the e&d o+ 'll th't he )'& do +or her. He "!&dles her !p '&d t'$es her to the "e')h G!st o!tside o+ 9os A&geles( to the h'l+='y ho!se. He le'ves her there =ith ther'pists =ho tell hi, they )'& o&ly try. -'tie )ries o!t i& the desert o+ her ,i&d. -'tie lies do=& !&der&e'th the "ed i& her lo)$ed 'tti) roo, '&d dies. The& ' )o)$ro')h )r'=ls over her +oot. 0yro& -'tie is '='$e. She lives. 1C9 A CRY IN THE DESERT HE99 ;N #HEE9S 0yro& -'tie is '='$e "!t her +',ily )'&&ot t!r& +ro, its o=& p'i& ? the +'llo!t +ro, -'tieFs ,'s*!er'de. Her )hildre& des)ri"e th't ti,e "e+ore '&d d!ri&g her '='$e&i&g i& =ords th't rip '&d te'r. It +elt li$e hell. They gre= !p i& it. They $&e= &o other =orld. There ='s ' ti,e =he& her d'!ghter( RoD'&&( ' yo!&g tee&'ger( +e'red to dist!r" -'tieFs sleep 't &ight. 8I ='s so '+r'id o+ her( so '+r'id o+ ='$i&g the "e'st. I =o!ld tiptoe o& the st'irs. 7y '&$les )re'$ed. I tho!ght i+ I =o$e her !p( sheFd $ill ,e. She $ept this h'l+1)o)$ed g!& !&der her "ed. She ='s so p'r'&oid.: RoD'&& is ' yo!&g ,other hersel+ &o=( ,'rried to ' ,'& she )'lls 8=o&der+!l(: o&e =ho 8&'t!r'lly lives the Tr!th.: She so!&ds '=ed 's she tells the story o+ her )hildhood. 87y ,other is )o,pletely di++ere&t &o= +ro, the perso& she ='s 's I ='s gro=i&g !p. No= she h's 'll this +reedo,. She does&Ft h've "'d ti,es or "'d d'ys. She ='$es !p every ,or&i&g s,ili&g( h'ppyI sheFs )'l, ? )'re+ree. This is &ot to s'y she does&Ft grieve. She does. 0!t itFs &ot sel+1pity. She &ever gets i&volved i& sel+1pity.: RoD'&& des)ri"es the ,'s*!er'de i& her o=& ='y: 8She did&Ft !sed to "e +ree 't 'll. She ='s drive& to='rd ,o&ey( "e'!ty( '&d s!))ess ? ' hell o& =heels "!si&ess =o,'&. She h'd sever'l "!si&esses: ' )lothi&g "!si&ess( ' g's st'tio&. I re,e,"er her o!t there p!,pi&g g's. She '&d ,y d'd ? 0o" is ,y d'd ? "oth o+ the, ? ,o&ey '&d s!))ess. He h's his o=& ele)tri) )o,p'&y '&d h's "ig )lie&ts( very "ig( )'si&os '&d everythi&g. HeFs 123 eDtre,ely =ell o++. 87y ,other =or$ed three Go"s to set !p his "!si&ess. She ='s ' re'l )o&trol +re'$I yo! $&o=( order( per+e)tio&I she h'd to h've thi&gs right. 8There ='s lots o+ +ighti&g =hile I ='s gro=i&g !p. It ='s d'ily. 9ots o+ ver"'l viole&)e. There ='s ,y ,other =ith ' )ig'rette i& o&e h'&d '&d 'l)ohol i& the other. A&d +ood ? she loved +ood. She too$ ,'Gor diet pills to loo$ good. 87o&ey ='s everythi&g. 7o&ey ='s ' god. 8T=e&ty ye'rs 'go she too$ !s $ids '&d split( le+t ho,e( divor)ed 0o". She too$ &othi&g else Kit ='s the o&ly ='y she )o!ld get '='y +ro, 0o"L( '&d he let her go. #e e&ded !p i& 0'rsto=. #e =ere tot'lly poor. I re,e,"er e'ti&g lots o+ ,')'ro&i '&d )heese =ith )h!&$s o+ t!&' i& it. 8She '&d ,y stepd'd( '!l Rolle( "e)',e "!si&ess p'rt&ers. TheyFd $&o=& e')h other si&)e I ='s ' little )hild. He ='s i& )o&str!)tio&. They "o!ght ' "'r. 7o, =or$ed i& the "'r '&d ='s go&e ' lot. She ='s still drive& e& "y ,o&ey ? )o&s!,ed "y it. 8She '&d '!l =ere ,'rried o& .!ly 9( 19C9. They )o&ti&!ed to "!y property '&d re&t it o!t. They =ere very s!))ess+!l =ith ,o&ey. 8The& )',e the period th't I "lo)$ +ro, ,y ,e,ory. It ='s so p'i&+!l. I ='s '"o!t thirtee& ye'rs old '&d ,y ,other got i&)redi"ly si)$. She G!st l'id i& "ed '&d =o!ld&Ft ,ove. She =eighed =ell over t=o h!&dred po!&ds. She ='s ,'ssive. She l'id there =ith her +ood '&d her 'l)ohol '&d her )ig'rettes. She l'id there '&d the&( =itho!t ='r&i&g( sheFd get !p '&d r'ge ? this h!ge =o,'&( r'gi&g. She &ever s,iled. She ='s dyi&g. She ='s "ei&g e'te& 'live +ro, the i&side. 121 A CRY IN THE DESERT 8There ='s so ,!)h '"!se "et=ee& her '&d 0o""y '&d ,e. The three o+ !s ')ted o!t the p'i&. I did it =ith dr!gs. IFd "e sto&ed '&d the& IFd go o++. /iole&t. As ' )hild Ross es)'ped ? tried to "e the per+e)t )hild. He "!ried it. 89i$e I s'id "e+ore( I ='s so '+r'id o+ her the&. I re,e,"er o&e ti,e vividly. 7o, h'd )oo$ed this =o&der+!l ,e'l =ith strips o+ "ee+ K=e 're 'll veget'ri'&s &o=L '&d other +oods( h'&d rolled. It too$ lots o+ =or$. I ='s sto&ed ? ')t!'lly G!st )o,i&g o++ dr!gs( i& ' $i&d o+ "!HH. I ='s )'rryi&g the di&&er o& ' tr'y. 0et=ee& roo,s the )'rpet e&ded 'g'i&st the s,ooth +loori&g '&d I tripped. The +ood )r'shed to the +loor '&d spilled 'll over everythi&g. She )',e '+ter ,e. I ='l$ed '='y +ro, her "!t she gr'""ed the "')$ o+ ,y h'ir( $i)$i&g ,e( p!&)hi&g ,e. No=( I ='s ' viole&t perso&( too( i& those d'ys. I )'rried $&ives to s)hool. No o&e =o!ld +ight ,e ? I ='s )r'Hy. A&yho=( I t!r&ed so +!rio!sly 'g'i&st her th't I ripped ' )h!&$ o+ h'ir right o!t o+ ,y he'd. 8IFll &ever +orget her +')e. She s'id( FYo! eve& to!)h ,e '&d IFll +!)$i&g $ill yo!.F I $&e= she ,e'&t it. She ')t!'lly ='&ted ,e to +ight "')$ so she )o!ld ve&t o& so,ethi&g or so,eo&e. 8The other perso& =ho ='s i& o& 'll o+ this ='s ,y stepd'd( '!l. He ='s the )'ret'$er. He h'd ' h'rd ti,e( i& +')t( =he& ,y ,other )h'&ged "e)'!se she did&Ft &eed hi, '&y,ore. ItFs li$e =ith people ,'rried to 'l)oholi)s: #he& the 'l)oholi) gets =ell '&d they do&Ft &eed to t'$e )'re o+ th't perso& '&y,ore the& they lose 'll their ,e'&i&g( 'll their po=er. 80')$ the& 7o, =o!ld lie i& "ed '&d heFd )o,e to her '&d sheFd s'y she ='&ted so,ethi&g '&d heFd get it +or her. A&ythi&g. He loved ,'$i&g her h'ppy. Her 124 h'ppi&ess ,'de hi, +eel li$e the gre'test ,'& o& e'rth. At the s',e ti,e he ='s =e'ri&g hi,sel+ o!t( =or$i&g 'll the ti,e. He too$ )'re o+ 'll the "!si&esses 's =ell 's 'll the ho!se=or$( )oo$i&g 'll the ,e'ls( )le'&i&g( everythi&g. 8A"o!t this ti,e 0o""y le+t to live =ith D'd. 7y 7o, )o!ld&Ft eve& loo$ 't 0o""yI sheFd see 0o"( ,y d'd. They loo$ed so ,!)h 'li$e. .!st h'vi&g hi, 'ro!&d drove her i&to ' r'ge. 8%i&'lly she =e&t to ' tre't,e&t )e&ter ? I do&Ft $&o= the &',e o+ it. At the tre't,e&t )e&ter &o o&e =o!ld sleep i& the s',e roo, =ith herI she ='s so +righte&i&g. As +or ,e( I did&Ft ='&t to go &e'r her. As +'r 's I ='s )o&)er&ed( ,y li+e ='s +i&'lly per+e)t. She ='s&Ft there to h!rt ,e '&y,ore.: 0yro& s'ys( 8#h't h'ppe&ed ='s th't I *!it. I )o!ld&Ft "e +illed '&d so I *!it. I G!st l'id i& "ed. I "e)',e so '&gry th't I )o!ld&Ft step o!tside ,y ho,e. #e h'd ' ,otor ho,e '&d tho!ght it =o!ld help '&d I re,e,"er G!st lyi&g i& the very "')$ o+ it s)re',i&g i& terror( '.ou hae to "ut me back in the house82 8A&other ti,e(: -'tie s'ys( 87y ,other '&d sister i&sisted o& h'!li&g ,e i&to ' )'r '&d drivi&g ,e three or +o!r ,iles o!t o+ to=&. I o&ly ,'de it three or +o!r ,iles "e+ore I ='s i& 'go&y( so""i&g i& terror. To le've ,y ho,e ='s so,ethi&g very di++i)!lt to do. #he& people s'= ,e li$e th't I +elt i&st'&t'&eo!s lo'thi&g ? they lo'thed ,e '&d I lo'thed the,. No= I $&o= th't ='s&Ft re'lly the )'se( "!t I )o!ld&Ft $&o= th't the&. This is =h't gives ,e '& !lti,'te respe)t +or the si)$est o+ the si)$. #e 're i&&o)e&t. #e 're so i&&o)e&t. Co,p'ssio&. 8The l'st t=o ye'rs o+ th't seve& ye'rs o+ p'i& I spe&t ,ostly i& ,y "edroo, lyi&g o& the "ed. 7y )lothes st!)$ to ,e "e)'!se I )o!ld&Ft "'the. I "r!shed 12B A CRY IN THE DESERT ,y teeth =he& I )o!ld. I =e&t ,o&ths G!st hopi&g th't so,eti,e I =o!ld ='&t to "r!sh ,y teeth. It ='s &ot ' possi"ility. 7y h'ir st!)$ to ,e. I )o!ldFt "'the. I =o!ld i+ I )o!ld. It see,s th't ,y p'i& the& is i& dire)t proportio& to ,y .oy &o=.: She s'ys she ='s i&s'&e. Her ,iddle )hild( Ross( re,e,"ers th't he Goi&ed her i& th't ti&y ,e&t'l roo,( )o)oo&ed there( &eedi&g her( =illi&g to do '&ythi&g to e&s!re his )o&&e)tio& =ith her eve& i+ it ,e'&t livi&g o++ the s',e p'i&. 8The o&ly ='y IF, '"le to re'lly $&o= '"o!t her is thro!gh ,y o=& eDperie&)e. Thro!gh ,y o=& +eeli&gs.: He spe'$s so+tly =ith ' to!)h o+ h!,or i& his to&e( 's tho!gh heFs ',!sed th't he did&Ft !&derst'&d his li+e 'll 'lo&g. 8She ='s ' tot'l r'ge'holi). A&d so ='s I. She ='s i&s'&e '&d I ='s i&s'&e. The o&ly ='y IF, '"le to see so,ethi&g i& so,eo&e else is i+ th't is ,e. #e 're so li&$ed( li$e Goi&ed 't the hipI everythi&g sheFs go&e thro!gh( IFve go&e thro!gh ' little l'ter. SheFs ,y te')her. 8I ='s &!ts ? so si)$ I )o!ld&Ft ,ove ? =he& I ='s t=e&ty1three. A&d 't the s',e 'ge she h'd "ee& '"le to ')t( do '&ythi&gI she ='s the spirit o+ the =hole +',ily ? the p'rty perso&( the perso& everyo&e +lo)$ed to( the o&e everyo&e ='&ted to "e li$e. I re,e,"er she h'd ' !$!lele '&d =o!ld si&g '&d "e the li+e o+ the p'rty( the e&ergy( this i&)redi"le spirit( "!t 't the s',e ti,e she ='s si)$( si)$( si)$. She '&d ,y d'd =o!ld G!st "r!t'lly go +or it( +ight.: Ross is &o= ' s!))ess+!l Holly=ood ,!si) prod!)er '&d ,!si)i'&. #he& he t'l$s o+ his )hildhood( he reve'ls the prese&)e i& hi,sel+ o+ th't heighte&ed se&sitivity )h'r')teristi) o+ 'rtists. ;&ly i& RossFs e'rliest )hildhood did his s!rro!&d1 125 i&gs ,'t)h his te,per',e&t. He es)'ped the "r!t'lity o+ his ho,e i&to the =ide sp')e o+ &'t!re. Everythi&g '"o!t Needles( the l'&d itsel+( &o!rished hi,. 8#e lived o& the river i& the desert. It ='s ' <od1pl')e.: This is his "egi&&i&g. The "egi&&i&g ='s short. I h'd the dogs( the desert( the ='ter ? everythi&g ='s right there. 0!t =he& ,y ,o, '&d d'd divor)ed( =he& I ='s i& third gr'de( it ='s 'll go&e( '&d ,y <od "e)',e ' televisio& set '&d +ood. 8#e ,oved to Nev'd'. It ='s "r!t'l. The +irst d'y o+ s)hool I h'd to "e the )oolest( ,ost per+e)t $id. Th'tFs o&e o+ ,y de+e)ts. I )h'lle&ged ' )o!ple o+ $ids 't the s)hool. %or the +irst ti,e i& ,y li+e( I )he'ted o& ' test. It ='s the +irst ti,e i& ,y ,e,ory I le'r&ed ho= to lie( )he't( ste'l ? everythi&g. 8The &eDt ye'r =e ,oved to 0'rsto=. 7o, "eg'& g'i&i&g ,ore =eight. I "e)',e ,ore '&d ,ore '&gry. She ='s over t=o h!&dred po!&ds. I ='s G!st ? I ='s so s)'ttered I G!st )o!ld&Ft st!dy i& s)hool( I )o!ld&Ft get it. I h'd to "e the per+e)t $id( so I le'r&ed ho= to =or$ the te')hers '&d I =o!ld get i&to their gr'de "oo$s. I =o!ld p!t i& di++ere&t gr'des '&d do '&ythi&g I )o!ld to "e per+e)t. I did it '&y ='y I )o!ld. I+ ,y ,o, ='&ted i)e )re',( I ='s the +irst o&e to go get it( ,e '&d ,y stepd'd ? he ='s ' gre't e'ti&g p'rt&er too.: RossFs &eed to "e per+e)t '&d his &eed +or )o&&e)tio& =ith his ,other =ere o&e '&d the s',e. er+e)tio& ='s =h'tever he &eeded to do to "e '))ept'"le. 7ore th'& '&ythi&g( he +e'red losi&g her. 8I re,e,"er o&e o+ ,y +irst ,e,ories o+ "ei&g '+r'id she =o!ld "e go&e: She ='s "'re+oot '&d she r'& str'ight i&to the desert =ith ,y d'd r!&&i&g '+ter her( '&d I ='s G!st ' little "oy '&d I tho!ght she ='s &ever )o,i&g "')$. I tho!ght she ='s goi&g to "e de'd. 12A A CRY IN THE DESERT 8I st'rted o!t(: he eDpl'i&s( 8=ith ,y older "rother doi&g so,ethi&g re'lly horri"le to ,e '&d "l')$,'ili&g ,e.: He "eg'& to )o&str!)t the 8I(: the perso& th't he =o!ld "e)o,e. 8I "e)',e 'sh',ed(: he re+le)ts. 8I "elieve th't "e)'!se I ='s the )e&ter o+ 'tte&tio&( 0o""y G!st h'd it i& +or ,e. He ='&ted to get ,e or so,ethi&g. So I "e)',e ,y ,o,Fs )'ret'$er. I sh!t do=&. I did&Ft t'l$. All I did ='s to "e the '"sol!tely ,ost per+e)t $id i& the =orld. 8It ='s ' ,i&d1set th't $ept t'$i&g ,e over. Her distorted thi&$i&g ='s 'lso getti&g =orse thro!gho!t ,y gro=i&g !p( '&d =he&ever she ='s i& p'i&( I ='s there. #he&ever she ='&ted to t'l$ shit( I ='s there to t'l$ shit. #e =ere i& this together( +!ll( h'rd )ore. #he& she 'te ' h'l+ g'llo& o+ i)e )re',( I 'te =ith her. #he& she got !p to go to the "'throo, to thro= !p( I did the s',e thi&g. #e h'd this ','Hi&g p'th together. 8#e "oth =e&t to eDtre,es. Reve&ge ='s ' "ig thi&g 's +'r 's +!)$i&g people !p ? she =o!ld destroy people to get =h't she ='&ted. She destroyed the, &ot "y physi)'lly h!rti&g the, "!t "y getti&g her ='y. It ='s =he& her ='y stopped =or$i&g +or her th't she "eg'& getti&g i,,e's!r'"ly si)$. She 'l,ost died. I re,e,"er she =o!ld "e l'yi&g i& "ed '&d ,y d'd =o!ld s'y( F;h( yo! &eed ' &!,"er three.E HeFd t'$e her )odei&e QB every si&gle ,or&i&g. The& the i)e )re', '+ter th't. HeFd give her ,ore )odei&e. Every si&gle &ight it ='s )odei&e '&d i)e )re',. 7'ssive +ood( dr!gs( '&d 'l)ohol. .!st ,'ssive. 80y the ti,e she =e&t to the hospit'l( I ='s )o,pletely o!t o+ )o&trol. I ='s '+r'id o+ "ei&g '"'&do&ed( '+r'id o+ "ei&g =itho!t ,y ,o,( '+r'id o+ "ei&g =itho!t ,y god. 6p to the& I tho!ght 'll o+ it ='s 126 &or,'l. I did&Ft $&o=. I tho!ght( this is =h't people do. I tho!ght th't I ='s s!pposed to e't e&o!gh +ood to p'ss o!t. I &ever got +'t "!t I re,e,"er i& +o!rth gr'de "!yi&g s)hool )lothes '&d loo$i&g 't ,ysel+ i& the dressi&g roo, '&d s'yi&g( FI h'te yo!.F 8I ='s i& de&i'l. I did&Ft thi&$ she h'd ' pro"le,. #h't she ='s see,ed &or,'l "e)'!se it ='s ,y li+e eDperie&)eI I did&Ft $&o= '&y di++ere&t. 8ThereFs ' pi)t!re th't s!,s it 'll !p( the o&e =here she h's the "eer '&d the )ig'rette '&d the ,otor ho,e. She ='s h!geJ A&d I ='s sitti&g &eDt to her tot'lly pissed o++ '&d ,iser'"le. She )'rries it =ith her. ItFs pretty '=eso,e. ;h ,y <odJ I loo$ 't it '&d +l'sh "')$ to =here I ='s '&d the +eeli&g is ? 'll th't )r'Hi&ess.: 0yro& -'tieFs eldest so&( 0o"( .r.( sees his ,otherFs tr'&s+or,'tio& '&d po&ders it. 8I do&Ft $&o= ,!)h '"o!t =h't sheFs doi&g &o=(: he tells ,e =he& I t'l$ =ith hi, o& ' S!&d'y ,or&i&g. IF, sitti&g 't ,y $it)he& t'"le i& 7'rti&eH. The pho&e )o&&e)ts !s. 8I $&o= sheFs doi&g =o&der+!l thi&gs(: he tells ,e( 8Not G!st +or hersel+ "!t +or other people. I 's$ her +or 'dvi)e '"o!t thi&gs. She see,s so tr!th+!l '&d )le'r. ItFs li$e "ei&g '"le to 's$ so,e"ody =hoFs right. She gives '& opi&io& th't gro!ps 'll the r',i+i)'tio&s 'ro!&d ' )e&tr'l poi&t. She )'& give yo! the =hole pl'yi&g +ield '&d still &ot ,iss the )e&tr'l thi&g( the eD')t poi&t th't is so &i)e to he'r. Its everythi&g i& o&e. I re'lly e&Goy th't. I do&Ft $&o= =here it )o,es +ro,( "!t IF, so gl'd.: #he& he ='s gro=i&g !p( he tho!ght his ,other =o!ld die. He s'= th't everythi&g she ='&ted =o!ld &ever "e e&o!gh. He s'= her '&ger over th't. He s'= her depressio& '&d her r'ge. He s'ys her p'i& ='s e'ti&g her 'live. 12C A CRY IN THE DESERT 8She G!st st!++ed it do=& =ith )r!,"y +ood '&d 'l)ohol. She =o!ld $ill ,e( I tho!ght( i+ I did '&ythi&g. I ='s &ot )o,+ort'"le( ever. IFd go i&to the ho!se( '&d I G!st $&e= I ='s goi&g to get "l'sted. #he& she got to 0'rsto= she got "igger '&d "igger '&d ,e'&er. She p!t so ,!)h o& ,eI she h'd so ,!)h rese&t,e&t to='rd ,y d'd: FTh't so&1o+1'1g!& too$ everythi&g(F '&d her =ordi&g ='s )olor+!l. /ery( very ,e'&. She s'id every )!ss =ord yo! )'& i,'gi&e. SheFd )o,e o!t '&d rip ,e !p o&e side '&d do=& the other. 0')$ i& the e'rly d'ys =he& she ='s =ith ,y d'd( every"ody =ho =or$ed +or the, $&e= &ot to )ross her "e)'!se she ='s th't ,e'& ? getti&g i&to !&io& stri$es '&d ... I ,e'& she )o!ld $ill so,e"ody( '"sol!tely $ill so,e"ody. 8Aro!&d 1926 I )o!ld "egi& to see her 's she re'lly ='s o& the o!tside. 0y the& she ='s si)$ '&d very( very he'vy. She got so si)$ she )o!ld h've died. I do&Ft $&o= =ho )h'&ged it( or =ho did it( or =h't h'ppe&ed( or =h't ='s the )'t'lyst. She st'rted )!tti&g thro!gh the distortio& '&d slo=ly getti&g her ,i&d i&to =h't she re'lly is. Every visit =ith her '+ter th't I )o!ld see her progress i&to ' lighter perso&( so,e"ody =hoFs very &i)e to "e 'ro!&d. 8Yo! $&o= people yo! ,'y h've ,et i& li+e =ho 're re'lly !gly '&d vi)io!s '&d yo! )'& tell th't theyFve gotte& =h't they ='&ted i& li+e( 'll the ti,e( 't other peopleFs eDpe&se> Th'tFs "'si)'lly ho= I s'= her "e+ore. So,e"ody yo! ,ight i&sti&)tively disli$e. They h've it 'll '&d they 're G!st goi&g to p!sh yo! o!t o+ the ='y "e)'!se they 're the ,ost i,port'&t. Th't $i&d o+ perso&. 7e +irst. Th'&$ good&ess( &o= sheFs !&re)og&iH'"le 's th't s',e perso&. ItFs *!ite ' relie+ +or 'll o+ !s "e)'!se she ='s ' re'l "'ttleshipJ 122 8SheFs "losso,ed i&to this perso& =hoFs !&"eliev1 '"le. She &ot o&ly h's the e&ergy she h'd =he& she ='s yo!&g ? =he& she h'd the $iller i&sti&)t ? "!t &o= itFs =o&der+!l. ItFs gre't to "e i& her prese&)e. SheFs ' $i&d '&d h'ppy perso&( the perso& I 'l='ys loved !&der&e'th 'll th't )r'p( the perso& I )o&sidered ,y tr!e ,other ? &ot th't h'te+!l perso&. Every ye'r sheFs topped hersel+( over '&d over.: 0o"( .r.( '&d I t'l$ +or ' lo&g ti,e. 0y the e&d o+ o!r )o&vers'tio&( heFs "e)o,e pe&sive '&d i& so,e ='ys( i&ti,'te. He th'&$s ,e +or +erreti&g o!t this story( tryi&g to ,'$e se&se o+ it( o+ the p'i& his +',ily e&d!red. .!st "e+ore =e s'y good"ye( his ,i&d pl'ys ' "it o+ ' tri)$ o& hi,( eDp'&di&g his perso&'l eDperie&)e i&to ' )!lt!r'l p'r'dig,. 8Every"ody s'ys the good ti,es =ere "')$ i& the seve&ties(: he re+le)ts( 80!t do&Ft yo! +eel li$e( eve& =ith 'll the t!r,oil tod'y( th't t=e&ty ye'rs "')$ everythi&g ='s re'lly o!t o+ )o&trol> Every"ody )o,pl'i&s( "!t I +eel li$e tod'y is +!ll o+ gre't &e= eDperie&)es. 7y <odJ #e 're e&Goyi&g the "est o+ it right &o=. #e h've so,e s'&ity.: Th't +irst eve&i&g I spe&t =ith 0yro&( so,eo&e 's$ed '"o!t her )hildre&. #e =ere liste&i&g to her spe'$ '"o!t the $i&d o+ 9ove th't ,'$es &o disti&)tio&s( ' 9ove th't )'&&ot s'y( 8I love this perso& ,ore '&d th't o&e less.: Yo! love the ;&e i& +ro&t o+ yo!. Yo! '))ept th't 9ove. It ,ight "e yo!r h!s"'&d or yo!r =i+e. It ,ight "e yo!r )hild. 0!t it ,ight G!st 's e'sily "e '& 'ddi)t i& ' d'r$ 'lley =hoFs got ' $&i+e to yo!r thro't. 80!t yo!r )hildre& ? 8 so,eo&e "l!rted o!t( 8S!rely yo! love yo!r )hildre& ,ore. S!rely i+ yo! =ere 129 A CRY IN THE DESERT )o&+ro&ted =ith ' )hoi)e( it =o!ld "e yo!r )hildre& yo! =o!ld )hoose.: She s'id( 8I )'&Ft $&o= =h't I =o!ld doI itFs &ot h'ppe&i&g &o=.: I re)'ll the deep )o,p'ssio& i& her eyes. She told !s ho= she h!rt the,( &ot the =hole story( "!t e&o!gh. She s'id ho= they h'd +e'red her( ho= they h'd every right to go '='y. They h've their lives. 8I let the, go.: Her voi)e ='s stro&g '&d her eyes deter,i&ed. 8They do &ot "elo&g to ,e.: The& she le'&ed "')$ o& the so+'( r'ised her eyes( p!t her h'&ds over her he'rt( s,iled( '&d =hispered( 8I love the, th't ,!)hJ: Ye'rs p'ssed "e+ore RoD'&& '&d Ross le'r&ed The #or$. RossFs he'li&g "eg'& =he& he )'lled his ,other '&d 's$ed +or her help. She s'id yes. They =e&t together i&to the desert '&d she g've hi, The #or$. Thro!gh The #or$ he "eg'& to !&e'rth his deepest +e'rs ? the +e'r o+ '"'&do&,e&t( the +e'r o+ "ei&g =itho!t his ,other( the +e'r o+ losi&g his <od. ;&e d'y he ='s =riti&g The #or$ '"o!t ' girl+rie&d( so,eo&e he $&e= to "e ' ,irror o+ hi,sel+. 8I ='&ted her to )'ll ,e '&d tell ,e she loves ,e(: Ross eDpl'i&s. 8The& I t!r&ed it 'ro!&d +ro, FI &eed her to )'ll ,e '&d tell ,e she loves ,e(F to FRoss &eeds to )'ll ,e '&d tell ,e he loves ,e.F 8I did th't. I )'lled ,y '&s=eri&g ,')hi&e. It ='s o&e o+ the h'rdest thi&gs IFve do&e i& ,y li+e. #he& I he'rd ,y voi)e 's$i&g +or ,y love( I eDperie&)ed '& !&"eliev'"le spirit!'l '='$e&i&g. 7y li+e t!r&ed 'ro!&d so )o,pletely '&d so +'st. 8;&)e "e+ore this '='$e&i&g I ='s i& To=er 193 Re)ords( '&d I stole ' t'pe eve& tho!gh I h'd t=o h!&dred doll'rs i& ,y po)$et. I do&Ft $&o= ? ,'y"e I ='s tryi&g to +ill ' void or ,'y"e I ='s eve& tryi&g to get )'!ght. A&y='y( they )'!ght ,e '&d h'&d)!++ed ,e '&d ='l$ed ,e thro!gh the ,iddle o+ this store o& S!&set 0o!lev'rd. 8No= I do&Ft lie '&y,ore. I do&Ft ste'l. I do&Ft h've to s!++er these thi&gs '&y,ore. I do&Ft h've to '"!se ,y girl+rie&d "y e,"'rr'ssi&g her to ,'$e ,ysel+ loo$ "etter. I do&Ft h've to !se '&yo&e. I do&Ft h've to h!rt ,ysel+ '&y,ore either. ItFs i&)redi"le. 8Thro!gh The #or$ I +o!&d <od. Th'tFs the )ore o+ ,y ,otherFs =or$ ? +i&di&g <od. The ,e&t'l =eight $eeps droppi&g '&d ,y "ody $eeps getti&g stro&ger( ,y "r'i& +irst '&d the& ,y "ody +ollo=s. I get to drop the ,e&t'l =eight. I do&Ft h've to '"!se ,ysel+ i& '&y ='y '&y,ore. A&d &o= ,y )'reer is tot'lly )re'tive. IF, doi&g eD')tly =h't I ='&t to do. IF, livi&g eD')tly =here I ='&t to live '&d =or$i&g eD')tly =here I ='&t to =or$. I h've eD')tly =h't I ='&t. I s!rre&dered '&d g've ,y lies to Tr!th '&d did&Ft +or)e it. I got it( +i&'lly. 8Thro!gh The #or$ I see =h'tFs re'lly tr!e. This =or$ is ? is <od. There 're so ,'&y ,ir')les. Every d'y I eDperie&)e ,ir')les every si&gle d'y.: 0oth Ross '&d RoD'&& ,'de =or$shops =ith their ,other '&d he'led the =o!&ds o+ the p'st. 0!t +or ' lo&g ti,e '+ter 0yro& -'tieFs '='$e&i&g( RoD'&& )o!ld &ot "elieve her ,other h'd )h'&ged. D!ri&g this ti,e RoD'&& held to ' desp'ir th't rose +ro, her "elie+ th't she h'd &ot h'd the ,other she deserved. This RoD'&& 'l,ost died. She dr'&$ he'vily. She h'ted hersel+ '&d ='&ted to die. She t!r&ed 'g'i&st hersel+ '&d the 'tt')$ ,'&i+ested itsel+ i& her "ody. She stopped prod!)i&g 191 A CRY IN THE DESERT progestero&e '&d the "lood +lo=ed +or ' ,o&th =itho!t stoppi&g. RoD'&& po!red her li+e o!t. She ='s "leedi&g hersel+ to de'th. She l'y i& ' tre't,e&t )e&ter. 0yro& s't "eside herI she did&Ft i&ter+ere. 8She let ,e "e si)$.: RoD'&& s'ys she hopes she )'& eDpl'i& this 'de*!'tely. She s'ys she $&o=s itFs di++i)!lt to gr'sp( to !&derst'&d the 9ove it sho=s. 8I ='s dyi&g. 7y ,other s'id she loved ,e so ,!)h she =o!ld let ,e die. She ='t)hed ,e. I ='s s!i)id'l. Still she did&Ft step i&. 8So I ='s i& the tre't,e&t )e&ter '&d I got to thi&$i&g: I ='&t her +reedo,J Th't ='s the "egi&&i&g o+ ,y he'li&g. I =e&t to T=elve Step ,eeti&gs. I ='&ted ,ore. I still did&Ft h've e&o!gh h'ppi&ess( Goy( +reedo,. Th't ='s =he& I "eg'& to 'tte&d her =or$shops '&d do The #or$ )o,"i&ed =ith her r'= +ood )le'&se.: It ='s ' high1po=ered =or$shop. RoD'&& '&d Ross 'tte&ded 'lo&g =ith &!,ero!s do)tors( ther'pists( '&d spirit!'l te')hers. ThereFs ' ph'se o+ The #or$ d!ri&g =hi)h people 'llo= the three1ye'r1old ego )hild =ithi& the, to s'y =h'tever they ='&t '&other perso& to do. I& RoD'&&Fs '&d RossFs =or$ it )',e do=& to 87other sho!ld@: 8#e re'lly =e&t '+ter her(: RoD'&& s'ys. 8#e =ere doi&g 'll those F,other sho!lds... '&d ,other sho!ld&Fts@F '&d I got so '&gry I h'd to go i&to the &eDt roo,. IFd liste& to her t'l$ "!t I )o!ld&Ft loo$ 't her +')e =itho!t +eeli&g si)$ '&d e&r'ged. All o+ the &eeds I h'd 's ' )hild )',e po!ri&g o!t. %i&'lly she )',e !p to ,e '&d got i&to ,y +')e '&d s'id FI =ill &ever "e the ,other yo! ='&t ,e to "e. IFll &ever "e '"le to do th't +or yo!( RoD'&&. ItFs &ot ,y Go". C'& yo! ,other yo!rsel+>F 8All the people there( 'll those ther'pists '&d every"ody( =ere 'sto!&ded "y the ide' th't eve& she 194 )o!ld&Ft ,'$e !p +or =h't ='s l')$i&g i& ,e ... i& '&yo&eJ 8Th't ='s the ,o,e&t o+ ,y he'li&g. I $&e=. ItFs ,i&e( ,y =or$. She s't there( so )le'r. I )o!ld see( everyo&e )o!ld see. ThereFs &o di++ere&)e "et=ee& ,e '&d the others. Th't ='s ,y he'li&g.: 0yro& s!ggested th't 'll the =o,e& 't the =or$shop ,other RoD'&&. ;&e =o,'& too$ her i& her 'r,s '&d s'&g to her. She )r'dled her li$e ' "'"y '&d s'&g ' l!ll'"y. The ,other is =here =e re)og&iHe her. 8I '))epted the 9ove th't ='s i& +ro&t o+ ,e. A&d do yo! $&o= =h't is re'lly =o&der+!l> T=o ,o&ths l'ter I got preg&'&t. I '))epted everythi&g I &eeded '"o!t ,others '&d the& I "e)',e o&e.: No o&e is si)$ 'lo&eI &o o&e is he'led 'lo&e. The ,other '&d her )hildre& 're o&e. Th't ;&e is '='$e. 19B A CRY IN THE DESERT THE ;THER SIDE ;% DEATH .!st 's I ', p!tti&g the +i&ishi&g to!)hes o& the ,'&!s)ript RoD'&& )'lls. 89'st ti,e I t'l$ed to yo! I ='s preg&'&t( right>: 8Right.: 0yro& h'd sh'red "its o+ her gr'&dso&Fs "irth story =ith ,e. I ='t)hed the "'"y )o,e i&( ,y h'&ds re'dy to hold( '&d the tho!ght ='s( 8HereFs this =o&der+!l little ego )o,i&g i& to !&do itsel+.: She 'lso i,plied th't the "irth eDperie&)e "ro!ght ' deeper '='$e&i&g to RoD'&&. 8#ell(: RoD'&& )o&ti&!es( 8eople )'ll here( yo! $&o=. #he& ,y ,other goes o!t o+ to=& she le'ves ,y &!,"er 's ' re+ere&)e. They 's$ ,e( F#h't does yo!r ,o, do>F '&d the ,ost )o,,o& *!estio& they 's$ is( F#hy =o!ld I )o,e to ' =or$shop>F I tell the, the story o+ =he& R')e ='s "or&.: 8Yes>: 8This is =h't h'ppe&ed. I =e&t i&to l'"or. It ='s ' re'lly lo&g l'"or '&d it ='s pre,'t!re. A+ter I l'"ored +or thirtee&( +o!rtee& ho!rs( he +i&'lly )',e o!t '&d he ='s&Ft "re'thi&g 't 'll. It too$ +o!r ,i&!tes +or hi, to "re'the. The people i& the roo, =ere ,e( ,y ,other( ,y ,other1i&1l'=( '&d ,y h!s"'&d. A&d =he& the "'"y )',e o!t &ot "re'thi&g( 't +irst it ='s&Ft ' "ig de'l( "!t the& 'll these &!rses )',e r!& r!&&i&g i& to 'ssist the do)tor '&d they too$ the "'"y '='y '&d p!t hi, o& ' t'"le. The &!rses p'&i)$ed. FCo,e o&( "'"y( )o,e o&( ,'$e ' &oiseI )o,e o&( .!st "re'the( )o,e o& '&d "re'the( )o,e o&.E They =ere 'll )o')hi&g the "'"y. 195 8I st'rted +eeli&g '&Diety( 7y +irst respo&se ='s( F;h ,y <od.F A&d the& I +elt ,ysel+ losi&g ,ysel+. #h't I did &eDt ='s to )lose ,y eyes '&d go i&side. I 's$ed ,ysel+( F#ill I "e o$'y i+ the "'"y does&Ft "re'the>F 8A&d I =e&t i&side o+ th't pl')e( '&d I s'id( FYes.F A&d I ope&ed ,y eyes '&d loo$ed 't the people 'ro!&d ,e '&d s'= ,y ,o, =ho ='s s,ili&g ? &ot ' +!ll s,ile "!t th't )o&te&t s,ile she h's. She ='s ='t)hi&g( G!st o"servi&g. She h'd her h'&ds )l'sped. Yo! $&o= ho= she is =he& sheFs =or$i&g =ith so,eo&e '&d they s!dde&ly get it> She )l'sps her h'&ds '&d $i&d o+ gri&s> She ='s doi&g th't. She ='s eDperie&)i&g the s',e pe')e 's I ='s. #h't I re'liHed ='s th't it ='s '"sol!tely <odFs "!si&ess.: IF, pro+o!&dly to!)hed "y her +'ith. The ,e,ory o+ ,'&y de'ths o+ people IFve loved p'ss "e+ore the eye o+ ,y ,i&d. 8Yes( RoD'&&(: I ,!r,!r. 8#e "oth stood i& th't( ='t)hi&g the =hole =orld go )r'Hy 'ro!&d !s. The& +o!r ,i&!tes l'ter he +i&'lly st'rted "re'thi&g.: IF, "ei&g give& ' gi+t here '&d I $&o= th't. This is the story o& =hi)h the "oo$ "'l'&)es( ' +!l)r!,. I& it the e&tirety o+ 0yro&Fs te')hi&g +i&ds e,"odi,e&t i& her d'!ghter. 80!t =he& I tell people this story(: RoD'&& )o&ti&!es( 8They go( F;h ,y <odJ ;h ,y <od( ho= )o!ld yo! do th't>F ;&)e =he& I told this story it horri+ied ' =hole roo,+!l o+ people.: 8IFve see& th't re')tio&(: I tell her. IF, thi&$i&g o+ the people 't C'rol 9y&&Fs <'theri&g. IF, re,e,"eri&g =h't S', told ,e '"o!t so,e people &ot ='&ti&g to e&)o!&ter 0yro& 'g'i& '+ter their +irst eDperie&)e =ith her. 8IFve see& people re')t th't ='y to yo!r ,otherFs 19A A CRY IN THE DESERT stories( &ot G!st this o&e "!t others 's =ell. ItFs so i&teresti&g to ,e ? theyFre horri+ied. . .: I h've so,e theories '"o!t this "!t I ='&t to he'r =h't RoD'&& h's to s'y. 8It tells the, th't 'll there is is <od.: 8Yes( I s!ppose th'tFs it.: 8ThereFs G!st ,e '&d <od. I+ I do&Ft $&o= th't '&d so,e"ody )o&+ir,s th't Tr!th( IF, horri+ied. I+ ' perso& thi&$s th't the ,ost i,port'&t thi&g i& the =hole =orld is +',ily '&d Go"s '&d t'$i&g )'re o+ other people '&d I tell the, th't IF, o$'y i+ ,y "'"y dies( the& it horri+ies th't perso&. Horri+ies .... IFve "ee& i& roo,s =ith lots o+ people '&d IFve told th't eDperie&)e. The +irst ti,e I told it( I h'd ' +rie&d =ith ,e '&d ' ,'& si&gled ,e o!t '+ter='rd '&d s'id Feople =ho 're 's high 's yo! get lo'dedJ:F She l'!ghs ' "it( re,e,"eri&g. 8It G!st horri+ied hi,.: I tell her '"o!t ,y )o&vers'tio& =ith S', ? his per)eptio& th't so,e people 're '+r'id o+ 0yro& -'tie. I thi&$ th't i+ yo! '))ept th't yo!r ,other is =h't she s'ys the& it +ollo=s th't yo!r =hole li+e )'& )h'&ge. Everythi&g yo!Fve =or$ed +or 'll yo!r li+e )'& +'ll '='y. It see,s 's tho!gh so,e people i&terpret this +'lli&g '='y 's dev'st'tio&. 0!t ')t!'lly( =he& it h'ppe&s( the o&ly thi&g le+t is <od '&d th'tFs everythi&g. 0!t people do&Ft $&o= th't !&til they $&o= it. So to let th't h'ppe& is '& eDtr'ordi&'ry gr')e( so,ethi&g =e )'&&ot do +or o!rselves. It G!st is.: 8Yes( Yes(: RoD'&& 'grees. 8She !sed to get h'te ,'il. . .: 8She did>: 8She !sed to go to T=elve Step ,eeti&gs '&d sh're. eople h'd&Ft 's$ed her to )o,e '&d th't ='s the di++ere&)e. TheyFd "e people =ho =ere tr'ditio&'l ? 196 "o!&d "y their tr'ditio&s. A&d ,y ,o, =o!ld sho= !p '&d sh're her li+e =ith people =ho re'lly =ere&Ft re'dy to he'r it. eople =rote to her '&d *!oted the 0i"le '&d )'lled her ' =it)hJ 8-'tie &ever told ,e th't h'ppe&ed to her.: I thi&$ o+ ho= sheFs )h'&ged. She &ever '&s=ers ' *!estio&ed th't h's &ot "ee& 's$ed. 8She lives i& the prese&t '&d this ='s *!ite ' +e= ye'rs 'go.: RoD'&& is l'!ghi&g =ith the ,e,ory( ' deep l'!ghter th't so rese,"les 0yro& -'tieFs. 8A&d the +!&&y p'rt o+ it is th't 7o, =o!ld t'$e the *!otes '&d displ'y the, 's ' )herished gi+t. SheFd go( F;h( loo$. . .F'&d p!t it !p... yo! $&o=( li$e Fth'&$ yo! +or sh'ri&g...F This is o&e ='y she )',e to $&o= hersel+. She sees '&d he'rs 'll 's 9ove.: 8SheFs s!)h ' ho&ey.: 0oth o+ !s see, =r'pped i& her i&&o)e&)e( delighted. 8Th'tFs so,ethi&g I +i&d so =o&der+!l '"o!t her: Her respo&ses 're so !&eDpe)ted i& the =or$'d'y =orld. At o&e <'theri&g ' ,'& )'lled her '& '&'r)hist. . .: I s!ppose she s'id( FI )'& see th'tJF ItFs re'lly +!&&y. ;&e o+ her "ig te')hi&gs is th't( yo! $&o=( FHeFs rightJF 0e)'!se =eFve 'll "ee& th't so,eti,e ? so,e=here( so,eho=. SheFs do&e th'tI "ee& '& '&'r)hist. SheFs ' riotJ: #h't $i&d o+ '&'r)hy =o!ld 0yro&Fs "e> I+ =e 'll lived 's 0yro& lives( o!r 8+ighti&g o!t o+ )o&trol: =o!ld "e over =ho )o!ld serve the other +irst '&d )o,pletely !&sel+ishly. This is the '&'r)hy she te')hes. RoD'&& s!dde&ly )h'&ges dire)tio&. 8IFve pro"'"ly told yo! this ? ,'y"e &ot. A&yho=( =he& she +irst =o$e !p( "!,s =o!ld )o,e !p to her o& the street '&d 's$ her to hold the,. It ='s the =ildest thi&g. IFd s'y( li$e( F7o,( yo!Fre h!ggi&g ' tr'&sie&t.E : 19C A CRY IN THE DESERT 8Th'tFs ' "e'!ti+!l story(: I )o,,e&t. 8I& the "oo$ IF, tryi&g to sho= ho= =ell yo!r ,other +its i&to 'll o+ the '&)ie&t spirit!'l tr'ditio&s. SheFs &ot o!t o+ sy&) =ith the '&)ie&t =isdo,. The story o+ h!ggi&g the "!,s is '&)ie&t. .es!s e,"r')ed the leper. S'i&t %r'&)is $issed the leper. 7'&y I&di'& s'i&ts did the s',e. It see,s 's i+ these gre't "ei&gs =ho !&derst'&d =ho =e re'lly 're do&Ft h've the preG!di)es '&d +e'rs th't the rest o+ !s h've ? the +e'r th't s'ys th't )o&t')t =ith the poor( the si)$( the perso& =ith AIDS( the priso&er( the o!t)'st =ill so,eho= )o&t',i&'te !s.: 8Yes. A&d ,y ,other h's e,"r')ed the perso& =ith AIDS +ro, d'y o&e.: RoD'&& ,oves 'g'i&( "')$ to the "'"y. 8I ='&ted to tell yo! so,ethi&g else '"o!t the "'"y. Thro!gh ,y preg&'&)y I spe&t '"o!t '& ho!r e')h d'y ,edit'ti&g =ith hi,. I& ,y ,edit'tio&s =e =e&t every pl')e I loved. Every pl')e th't ever g've ,e Goy( =e =e&t there. I 'l='ys "ro!ght o!t ho= =o&der+!l it is here. Th't ='s ,y ,edit'tio&. A&d this "'"y is the ,ost )o&te&t perso&J So,e people =ho h've held hi, h've told ,e theyFve &ever held s!)h ' )'l, "'"y. He r'rely )ries. He sleeps 'll &ight. He &'ps d!ri&g the d'y. #he& he ='&ts so,ethi&g &o= he Ft'l$sF i& ' )ert'i& to&e o+ voi)e '&d I $&o= I &eed to )h'&ge his di'per or +eed hi,. I& ' ,o&thFs ti,e he ,ight )ry three or +o!r ti,es. 6s!'lly itFs =he& ,y h!s"'&d '&d I 're ro!ghho!si&g '&d o!r voi)es 're too lo!d. #eFre re'lly ti)$lish '&d o&)e i& ' =hile =e G!st 'tt')$ e')h other. #eFll "e s*!e'li&g '&d R')e =ill )ry "e)'!se itFs too lo!d.: 7y =riterFs i,'gi&'tio& pi)$s !p this i&+or,'tio& '&d tries to ,'$e so,ethi&g pro+o!&d +ro, it. 8It stri$es ,e( RoD'&&( th't yo! pro,ised hi, pe')e d!ri&g 'll those ,edit'tio&s. A&d i& the delivery roo,( =he& he 192 still ='s&Ft s!re( =h't dre= hi, i& ='s yo!r de)isio& +or pe')eI the& there ='s yo!r ,other( i& pe')e thro!gh 'll th't t!r,oil th't he s'= i& the roo,. A&d pe')e ='s his )hoi)e.: She i&terr!pts ,e. 8Th'tFs re'lly &o&e o+ ,y "!si&ess(: she "ri&gs ,e "')$ to e'rth. 8Th'tFs 'll ' proGe)tio& o+ =h't he thi&$s. #h't I thi&$ is th't his e'rs 're&Ft developedJ: I "re'$ o!t i& l'!ghter. There =ill "e &o dr',' here( &o ,'s*!er'de. 8#h't I do $&o= is th't heFs tot'lly )o&te&t( '&d th'tFs 'll I $&o=. 0!t o& the other h'&d( his e'rs pro"'"ly 're&Ft developed. He does&Ft li$e to loo$ i&to the s!& either.: She "e)o,es *!ite so"er. 8I thi&$ '"o!t the ge&er'tio&s )h'&gi&g. I h've '& opi&io& o+ =h't he h's &o=. HeFs good. HeFs so good.: I 's$ her +or +!rther eDpl'&'tio&. 8#ell( I "elieve th't every tho!ght I h've ?: she p'!ses( )h'&ges dire)tio&. 8I do ' lot o+ "ody =or$ =ith people. eople ,'&i+est o& their "ody =h't they thi&$. I )'& tell ' lot '"o!t peopleFs lives "y loo$i&g 't '&d to!)hi&g their "odies. I $&o= =here they hold p'i& '&d stress '&d e,otio&. I h'd 'll th't ,ysel+. As I "e)o,e ,ore e&lighte&ed( I do&Ft s!++er +ro, thi&gs 's ,!)h. IFve "e)o,e )'l,I IF, &ot +ree o+ 'll p'i& "!t IF, )'l,. 8I h've +rie&ds =ith "'"ies. They tell ,e ho= good their "'"ies 're '&d I 's$( =ell( does he sleep 'll &ight '&d they s'y &o. A&d I 's$ i+ heFs )'l, '&d he is&Ft( heFs s)re',i&g '&d thro=i&g !p. TheyFre telli&g ,e ho= =o&der+!l their "'"ies 're '&d the "'"ies 're s)re',i&g '&d dis)o&te&t. The "'"ies 're =ired. I "elieve this is d!e to the ,otherFs thi&$i&g "e+oreh'&d. Eve& i& the =o," =e '))ept )ert'i& thi&gs. I+ IF, s)'red ,y "'"y +eels ,y +right '&d he )o,es o!t $&o=i&g +e'r. I+ IF, 199 A CRY IN THE DESERT '&gry he )o,es o!t $&o=i&g '&ger. So =he& I ='s preg&'&t I "e)',e the preg&'&t *!ee&. #e h'd di++i)!lty p'yi&g o!r "ills so I h'&ded the )he)$"oo$ over to ,y h!s"'&d '&d s'id IF, &ot doi&g it. I did&Ft do '&y dr',' =h'tsoever. I+ ,y dr',' level thre'te&ed to go !p I G!st ? (: she ,'$es ' little p!++i&g so!&d li$e "lo=i&g '='y s,o$e( 8got rid o+ it. I $ept ,ysel+ tot'lly &'ive. I G!st ='l$ed o!t o+ the roo,. So R')e did&Ft eDperie&)e th't $i&d o+ stress. #he& he )',e o!t he ='s +ree.: RoD'&& goes o& to eDpl'i& her )o&ti&!i&g 'tte,pts to st'y ho&est. She ='its +or the deep i&&er voi)e o+ 9ove to ,ove her to='rd her "'"y e')h ,or&i&g. She &ever goes to hi, i& rese&t,e&t or '&ger. 8I go "e)'!se I ='&t to see hi,I '&d he s,iles '&d )oos. HeFs 't pe')e.: This )hildFs )re'tio& story h's the pote&ti'l o+ servi&g hi, thro!gh 'll his li+e. #e 'll h've the stories o+ o!r "irth '&d those stories pl'y ' p'rt i& o!r !&derst'&di&g o+ o!rselves '&d o!r pl')e i& the =orld. 0yro&Fs story o+ "irth 't +orty1three ye'rs old( ' F"or& 'g'i&E story( set her o& ' p'th r'di)'lly di++ere&t +ro, th't =hi)h pro)eeded +ro, the "irth story o& th't i)y =i&ter d'y i& TeD's =he& she ='s "or& '&d &',ed +or her ,illio&'ire orph'&ed '!&t. I s!ggest this to RoD'&&. 8#h't ' =o&der+!l )re'tio& story yo!r so& h's(: I s'y. 8Yes( he re'lly does. 0e)'!se I )o,e +ro, =here I did( th'tFs the ,ost )o&)rete '&d spe)i+i) gi+t I )'& give ' perso&: to let hi, $&o= th't I do&Ft do dr','.: #eFre 't the e&d o+ o!r )o&vers'tio&. I tell her th't IFll "e i& 0'rsto= soo& to go over the e&tire teDt o+ the "oo$ =ith 0yro& -'tie. IFd li$e to see her. 8A&d IFd li$e yo! to ,eet the "'"y too.: 433 8IFd love to ,eet the "'"yJ: 8It sho!ld "e i&teresti&g to see =ho he is '&d ho= he gro=s( "ei&g i& the e&viro&,e&t ,y ,o, sho=s !s ho= to "ri&g '"o!t.: 8HeFs the &e= ge&er'tio&. His "irth is re'lly the eve&t =ith =hi)h the "oo$ '"o!t yo!r ,other sho!ld e&d. The "oo$ sho!ld e&d =ith "irth.: She 'grees =ith ,e. 8#ho =ill "e the )hildre& o+ these people>: I 's$. 8The people =ho 're getti&g it &o=@: SheFs =ith ,e. 8Yes. #h't =ill these )hildre& "e li$e> Th'tFs the &eDt *!estio&( is&Ft it>: 8Yes. Th'tFs right. IFve got goose"!,ps G!st he'ri&g it. This is =h't =e h've to give... &ot the ,ess'ge th't =e si,ply 're&Ft '+r'id o+ de'th. ;& the other side o+ de'th is "irth.: 8Yes(: I se&se th't the t=o o+ !s 're seei&g )le'rly &o=. 8Al='ys.: 431 A CRY IN THE DESERT THERE IS <;D #ho is 0yro& -'tie> A&d =h't h'ppe&ed to her i& th't 'tti) roo, i& 1926> %or 'l,ost t=o ye'rs I h've 's$ed this *!estio&( do&e The #or$( liste&ed to her o=& 'tte,pts to eDpl'i& =h't( +or her 's =ell 's +or the rest o+ !s( re,'i&s i&e++'"le. The di++ere&)e "et=ee& 0yro& '&d ,ost gre't te')hers i& virt!'lly 'll the spirit!'l tr'ditio&s is 0yro&Fs eDperie&)e o+ =h't Christi'&Fs ,ight )'ll ' r'di)'l )o&versio& or ,et'&oi'. 7ost spirit!'l te')hers h've +ollo=ed the pr')ti)es o+ ' spe)i+i) tr'ditio& +ro, their yo!th. Tr'&s+or,'tio& )o,es )lothed i& the sy,"ols o+ th't tr'ditio& '&d th't tr'&s+or,'tio& is !&derstood "e)'!se o+ ' li&e'ge o+ spirit!'l te')hers. 0yro& $&e= &othi&g. I+ she ='s prep'ri&g hersel+ +or tr'&s+or,'tio&( th't prep'r'tio& ='s )o,pletely !&)o&s)io!s. She lived +orty1three ye'rs =ith ' d!'listi) )o&s)io!s&ess( strivi&g 's ,ost o+ !s strive( ='&ti&g ,ore '&d ,ore( thi&$i&g th't h'ppi&ess )o!ld )o,e to her +ro, so,ethi&g '&d so,e=here else. She )o!ld&Ft +i&d it. The )o&st'&t 'tte,pts =ore her do=&( disi&tegr'ted her. #he& she '=o$e it ='s 's ' &e= )re'tio&. Sep'r'tio& g've ='y to the ;&e&ess o+ the <odhe'd. A&d she h'd &o =ords( &o to!)hsto&e( &o philosophy( &o spirit!'lity( &o religio&( &othi&g to eDpl'i& =h't she is to !s. No= =he& she s'ys( 8I ', =h't it is li$e o& the other side(: does she ,e'& th't the tr'&s+or,'tio& o+ this h!,'& spe)ies is !&der='y> Does she ,e'& =e 're( right &o=( evolvi&g i&to so,ethi&g &e=> Is she ' her'ld o+ the 8&e= e'rth: o+ =hi)h the 434 Christi'& s)ript!res spe'$> I& ,y Christi'& spirit!'l tr'ditio& =e )'ll the ,ove,e&t she eDperie&)ed 8gr')e.: It is ' gi+t. No ',o!&t o+ =or$ o& the p'rt o+ '&y h!,'& "ei&g )'& prod!)e it. It )'&&ot "e p!r)h'sedI it is +ree. It is the '='re&ess o+ the to!)h o+ the Divi&e. 0yro& lives i& the step "eyo&d =h't ,y Ro,'& C'tholi) spirit!'l tr'ditio& )'lls the 6&itive #'y. ;&)e =e tho!ght th't !&io& =ith <od ='s the ,ost )o,plete st'te o+ eDiste&)e 'v'il'"le to h!,'& "ei&gs. 0!t !&io& i,plies ' d!'lity: <od '&d I( !&ited. This is the ,e'&i&g o+ 6&itive #'y. 0e)'!se o+ the i&spired =or$ o+ 0er&'dette Ro"erts( =e 're &o= '"le to ide&ti+y ' +!rther st'te o+ "ei&g. The 0ei&g o+ ;&e&ess i& =hi)h '&ythi&g th't )o!ld "e )'lled 8sel+: e)lipsed "y the '"sol!te 0ei&g o+ <od. It is ' st'te i& =hi)h 8I: &o lo&ger eDist i& '&y ='y th't )'& "e eDperie&)ed or ')ted +ro,. <od 'lo&e is. This st'te o+ 8&o1sel+: see,s to )o,e )losest to =h't 0yro& des)ri"es. Ho=ever 0yro& did &ot h've the l'&g!'ge o+ th't spirit!'l tr'ditio&( &or o+ '&y spirit!'l tr'ditio&( 'v'il'"le to her i& her des)riptive 'tte,pts. She &eeded to develop her o=& l'&g!'geI she )o&ti&!es to develop it. E')h spirit!'l tr'ditio& h's its o=& l'&g!'ge '&d sy,"ols. Si&)e 0yro& "elo&ged to &o spirit!'l tr'ditio& 't the ti,e o+ her tr'&s+or,i&g eve&t( sheFs "ee& !&derstood "y di++eri&g perso&s i& the l'&g!'ge '&d sy,"ols o+ their o=& "')$gro!&ds. She ='s )'lled walk in "y ,'&y i& the Ne= Age )o,,!&ity. I& AriHo&' she ='s told th't she ='s the ret!r& o+ 9ester 9eve&so&( ' spirit!'l te')her =hose li+e p'r'lleled her o=&. 0y devotees o+ E'ster& tr'ditio&s( sheFs )'lled '& e&lighte&ed o&e( '& 'v't'r( ' mast '&d o&e o+ the 43B A CRY IN THE DESERT 7others. 8I tho!ght yo! ,ight ='&t to ,eet ' tr!e e&lighte&ed "ei&g(: =ere the =ords th't i&trod!)ed 0yro& to ,e. 8;&e o+ the 7others.: So,e s'y sheFs '& '&gel. ;ther people )'ll her ' s'i&t. Still other people s'y sheFs )r'Hy( '& 'irhe'd or +l'$e. 8ItFs si,ply i,possi"le +or people to "e h'ppy 'll the ti,e(: )o,,e&ts o&e =o,'&. 8SheFs i& '& o&goi&g +!g!e st'te +ollo=i&g )o,plete ,e&t'l )oll'pse. Th'tFs 'llJ: The =o,'&Fs voi)e is '&gry 's she ,'$es her G!dg,e&t. I re,e,"er ,y o=& i&iti'l resist'&)e to her. 8I+ =h't yo! s'y is tr!e( the& everythi&g IFve =or$ed +or 'll ,y li+e is &othi&g. Everythi&g =ill )h'&ge.: A&d she s'id yes. #ho =o!ld I r'ther "e( I 's$ ,ysel+( the o&e I !sed to "e( the o&e )'!ght !p i& the t'&gles o+ ,y ,i&d( or =ho I ', "e)o,i&g &o=> No=( is ,y '&s=er. 7y spirit!'l tr'ditio& h's ' s'yi&g: 0y their +r!its yo! sh'll $&o= the,. 0yro& ='l$s thro!gh ' roo, distri"!ti&g =h't I le'r&ed 's ' )hild =ere the +r!its o+ the Spirit. 8The +r!it o+ the Spirit is love( Goy( pe')e( lo&g s!++eri&g( ge&tle&ess( good&ess( +'ith( ,ee$&ess( te,per'&)e.: K<'l. A:4414BL. S'&dr' s!ggests th't o&ly those o+ !s =ho h've eDperie&)ed so,e $i&d o+ dev'st'tio& )'& he'r the ,ess'ge 0yro& "ri&gs. ThereFs ' )hi&$ i& the 'r,or o+ o!r )o&str!)ted re'lity. #e $&o= th't o!r s'+ety &ets do&Ft hold. I& ' "re'th everythi&g =e depe&d o& )o!ld )oll'pse( disi&tegr'te( '&d "e go&e. I& her =e see =h't is o& the other side. She is hope. I respo&d th't I s!spe)t everyo&e h's ' gli,pse o+ this 't o&e ti,e or '&other. So,e o+ !s( tho!gh( G!st =or$ h'rder to )o&str!)t de+e&ses. #he& =e do th't( ' perso& li$e 0yro& terri+ies !s. #eFd "!r& her 't the st'$e i+ =e still did th't sort o+ thi&g. #e do&Ft '&d so =e )'ll 435 her )r'Hy =o,'& i&ste'd. #e +i&d i& the l'&g!'ge o+ pop!l'r psy)hology or s$epti)'l r'tio&'lis, ter,s th't per,it dispos'l o+ her eDperie&)e. #e )o&str!)t ' stro&ger de+e&se 'g'i&st o!r +e'rs. I thi&$ th't 0yro&Fs li+e de,o&str'tes the &eDt step "eyo&d si,ple good&ess. erh'ps she e,"odies '& evol!tio&'ry )h'&ge( ' *!'&t!, le'p i& =h't it ,e'&s to "e h!,'&. 0yro& -'tie is &ot the +irst to eDperie&)e s!)h '& evol!tio&'ry 'dv'&)e. 7irr' Al+'ss'( )'lled 7other( =ho =or$ed =ith Sri A!ro"i&do 't the 'shr', i& o&di)herry( I&di'( spe&t her li+e i& '& eDperi,e&t to dis)over the &eDt st'ge i& h!,'& evol!tio&. She $ept .o!r&'ls o+ the tr'&s+or,'tio& &ot o&ly o+ her )o&s)io!s&ess "!t 'lso o+ her very )ells. 0yro& -'tie te')hes( 80ody h's to +ollo= ,i&d. Cells 're '))!,!l'ted tho!ghts. To see ,i&d and )ells is to see =ith d!'lity. 0ody( =hi)h is )ells( is the re+le)tio& o+ ,i&d. ;&e. Not sep'r'te. Not t=o. To )h'&ge the ,i&d is to )h'&ge the )ells. They 're the s',e.: D!ri&g 'll her eDperi,e&ts( 7irr' Al+'ss' *!estio&ed =hether evol!tio& o+ o!r h!,'& spe)ies =o!ld "e ' series o+ ,!t'tio&s or ' s!dde& le'p. I& 0yro& -'tie the le'p ='s s!dde& '&d =itho!t )o&s)io!s prep'r'tio&. This is =hy she )'& s'y she ='s 8"or&: i& '& 'tti) roo, =he& she ='s +orty1three ye'rs old. She is o&e o+ the t=i)e "or&. A &e= )re'tio&. C'rol 9y&& tells ,e she ='&ts 0yro& to spe'$ ,ore )le'rly '"o!t her eDperie&)es. S'&dy s'ys( 8She $&o=s =h't she is doi&g eve& i+ she )'&Ft eDpl'i& it.: 0yro& hersel+ tells !s she is 8' "'"y ? I ='s "or& &i&e ye'rs 'go i& ti,e '&d I live i& th't +irst ,o,e&t o+ '='re&ess( 43A A CRY IN THE DESERT 'geless.: She h's &o to!)hsto&e +or =h't she is other th'& this ,o,e&t. She loo$s to !s +or =ords. 8I o&ly $&o= ,ysel+ thro!gh =h't yo! tell ,e(: she s'ys. A&d( 8IF, here to sho= yo! =h't it loo$s li$e o& the other side.: Sho= !s( she ,!st. #ords )'&&ot )'rry =h't she is. !re 0ei&g is so i&e++'"le th't it is i&)o,,!&i)'"le i& l'&g!'ge. 0ei&g spe'$s to "ei&g "e&e'th 'll =ords '&d the 0ei&g is ;&e. Every 'tte,pt to eDpress the i&e++'"le i& l'&g!'ge li,ited "y ' s!"Ge)t1o"Ge)t str!)t!re +'lls short. S!)h 'tte,pts 're "'++li&g 't "est. At =orst they so!&d se&seless. 0yro& ='its +or the shi+t. She loo$s i&to o!r eyes. She sees it =he& =e see. She s'ys( 8Yo!Fve got itJ: It is s'id th't the ,ysti)'l )o&s)io!s&ess !&derst'&ds itsel+. 9'&g!'ge does&Ft st'&d i& the ='y o+ !&derst'&di&g +or those =ho eDperie&)e this tr'&s+or,'tio&. It is '& eDiste&)e o+ p!re s!"Ge)tivity. The o&e =ho lives li$e this h's &o o"Ge)t1)o&s)io!s&ess 't 'll. I&divid!'l li+e is tot'lly e)lipsed "y <od. #he& I "e)o,e philosophi)'l( I $&o= itFs ti,e to *!iet ,ysel+ or ,y ,i&d =ill get i& the ='y '&d o"s)!re the Tr!th. I try to e&d the "oo$. I =rite( 8I love 0yro& -'tie.: I )'&Ft help lovi&g her. I ', ,ore +ree to love si&)e she "e)',e ,y +rie&d '&d t'!ght ,e her si,ple =or$ o+ telli&g '&d livi&g the Tr!th. I ', &o lo&ger '+r'id. I eDperie&)e '& '"idi&g Goy. A&d I )'& &o= ret!r& i& ' =holly other ='y to ,y o=& C'tholi) Christi'& spirit!'l tr'ditio&. IFve he'rd Hi&d!s s'y the s',e( '&d 9!ther'&s( res"yteri'&s( 7ethodists( 7or,o&s( Co&greg'tio&'lists( pr')titio&ers o+ A (ourse In 436 )iracles*. Tr!th is ;&e. It le'ps o!t 't ,e( &o=( +ro, every=here. I re)og&iHe the esse&)e o+ 0yro&Fs eDperie&)e i& ,y o=& s)ript!res( i& 0!ddhist te')hi&g( i& the e'rth religio&s( i& the revel'tio&s o+ I&di'& Av't'rs. 0yro& -'tie rose !p +ro, the d!st o+ the C'li+or&i' high desert( +ro, the A,eri)'& dre', o+ perso&'l ')hieve,e&t( +ro, eDperie&)es o+ s!))ess '&d +'il!re( to spe'$ o+ =h't =e 're i& '& A,eri)'& l'&g!'ge =e )'& !&derst'&d i+ =e o&ly =ill ope& o!r he'rts '&d "e)o,e =illi&g to eDp'&d the li,its o+ o!r ,i&dsI i+ o&ly =e =ill '))ept th't i& 'll o+ "ei&g '&d eter&ity 8there is &o e&d o+ <od.:5 5 I "elieve I ', +i&ished =ith the "oo$. I pri&t o!t t=o )opies +or 0yro& -'tie '&d ,'il the, to 0'rsto=. I )lose the re+ere&)e "oo$s '&d p!t the, "')$ o& the shel+. I +ile the *!estio&&'ires '&d t'pes. I g'ther !p the gl'sses '&d )!ps. The p'pers littered 'ro!&d ,y )h'ir I )r!,"le '&d thro= i&to the ='ste "'s$et. I d!st ,y des$. IF, +i&ished. I go i&to the "')$ y'rd '&d sit i& the s!&shi&e. 7'ry )'lls. 8There ,'y &ot "e ti,e to get this i&to the "oo$( "!t I h've so,ethi&g ,ore to tell yo! '"o!t -'tie.: 7'ry spe'$s 'g'i& '"o!t re)og&iHi&g 0yro& -'tie i& Sedo&'. She tells ,e th't she $&o=s &o= th't -'tie is so ,!)h ,ore th'& ' walk& in. She re,e,"ers th't i& Sedo&' she 's$ed 0yro& -'tie( 8#here do yo! )o,e +ro,>: 8I )o,e +ro, the highest pl')e(: -'tie respo&ded. 8Are yo! th't )lose to <od>: It ='s the& th't -'tie told "oth 7'ry '&d C'rol( 8I ', 9ove '&d .oy.: 43C A CRY IN THE DESERT 7'ryFs spirit!'l te')her t'!ght her to *!estio& '&yo&e =ho )l'i,ed to h've spirit!'l '!thority '&d to $eep *!estio&i&g !&til th't perso&Fs ide&tity ='s '"sol!tely )le'& %or t=o ye'rs 7'ry h's )o&ti&!ed her *!estio&i&g. 8#h't is the light i& yo!r eyes> Are yo! ' walk& in- #here do yo! )o,e +ro,> #ho 're yo!>: 7'ry tells ,e she posed her *!estio& to 0yro& -'tie o&)e 'g'i&. Yesterd'y. 8I+ yo! )o!ld loo$ !po& ,e 's I re'lly ',( yo! =o!ld &ot "e '"le to loo$ 't ,e.: She he'rd 0yro& -'tie tell her. 8#ho 're yo!( ho&ey>: 7'ry pressed o&. 8#hy did yo! s'y Fi+ yo! )o!ld loo$ !po& ,eF>: 80e)'!se i+ yo! )o!ld see ,y 9ight( yo! =o!ld &ot "e '"le to loo$ !po& 8,e.: K"e)'!seL 7y 9ight is yo!r 9ight.: 8I ', ' !&iverse !&to ,ysel+>: 7'ry *!estio&ed. 8Yes.: 8Everythi&g o!t there is i& ,e > 8Yes( ho&ey.: 7'ry sighs. 8Th'tFs =h't she told ,e( Christi&. IF, )o,+ort'"le( &o=( th't I $&o= =h't she is. -'tie is so high she does &ot "elo&g to '&ythi&g.: All d'y I ', )'!ght !p i& 7'ryFs eDperie&)e o+ 0yro& -'tie '&d the 9ight too po=er+!l to loo$ !po&. I thi&$ o+ 7oses i& the )revi)e o+ the ro)$ ='iti&g +or <od to ='l$ p'st. 8I "esee)h thee(: 7oses pr'yed( 8Sho= ,e thy glory.: A&d <od( the I A, o+ the "!r&i&g "!sh replied( 8Tho! )'&st &ot see ,y +')e: +or there sh'll &o ,'& see ,e( '&d live... There is ' pl')e "y ,e( '&d tho! sh'lt st'&d !po& ' ro)$: '&d it sh'll )o,e to 432 p'ss( =hile ,y glory p'sseth "y( th't I =ill p!t thee i& ' )le+t o+ the ro)$( '&d =ill )over thee =ith ,y h'&d =hile I p'ss "y.: KEDod. BB:12144L. I =o&der i+ o!r "odies 're the h'&d o+ <od. #ith this =o&der I )lose ,y eyes '&d try to sleep. 0!t so,ethi&g h'!&ts ,e. I& the ,iddle o+ the &ight I '='$e re,e,"eri&g so,ethi&g +ro, ,y +irst ,eeti&g =ith 0yro& -'tie. Those eyes. So,ethi&g I repressed. So,ethi&g I did&Ft d're s'y 'lo!d eve& i&side ,y o=& ,i&d '&d he'rt. So,ethi&g too po=er+!l to loo$ !po&. I $&o= =h't it is. E'rly i& the ,or&i&g I )'ll her. 80yro&( IFve "ee& '='$e thi&$i&g o+ yo! 'll &ight.: 8Yes( ho&ey.: 8ThereFs so,ethi&g I ,!st 's$( so,ethi&g th'tFs "ee& i& ,y ,i&d '&d he'rt si&)e o!r +irst ,eeti&g.: 8As$ ,e.: I )'& he'r her s,ile. I )ir)le 'ro!&d. I st'rt to )ry. I $&o= =h't she =ill '&s=er. 8#h't 're yo! +eeli&g( ho&ey>: She ,!r,!rs. I he'r )o,p'ssio&. 80yro& ? yo! '&d .es!s ... 8Are ;&e.: 7y he'rt eDplodes. Here is ' di,e&sio& o+ 0yro& -'tie I ,erely to!)hed. Despite ,y Christi'& "')$gro!&d( I o&ly ,'de )o,p'riso&s o+ her eDperie&)e to =h't =e )'ll Christ1Co&s)io!s&ess. I did&Ft 's$ her the *!estio& !&til &o=( so the door to this eDplor'tio& did&Ft ope& !&til &o=. I h've &o ide' =here this p'th =ill le'd. 8A&d yo! 'lso 're th't ;&e(: she )o&ti&!es. 80!t thereFs ' di++ere&)e(: I i&sert. Christi'& theology is +loodi&g ,y ,i&d. 0!t 0yro& -'tie does&Ft t'l$ Ftheology.F She does&Ft get )'!ght !p i& theologi)'l t'&gles. 0yro& -'tie '='$e&s to Tr!th. She re'liHes. 439 A CRY IN THE DESERT 8Yes. The di++ere&)e is th't I ', +!lly )o&s)io!s o+ =ho I ',. A&d yo! 're )lose( ho&ey. Yo! 're very )lose. 7!)h o+ the ti,e yo! 're '='$e.: 7y ,i&d $&o=s she )o!ld h've s'id she ='s o&e =ith 0!ddh' to ' 0!ddhistI she )o!ld h've s'id -rish&' to ' Hi&d!I she )o!ld h've s'id The #hite 0!++'lo #o,'& to ' N'tive A,eri)'&I or she )o!ld h've re+erred( 'g'i&( to the 9'dy i& the p'isley dress. All h!,'& religio&s rise +ro, the v'riety o+ h!,'& eDperie&)e i&terse)ti&g the Divi&e. I know this( "!t ,y he'rt is "!r&i&g =ith !&$&o=i&g. I ', Christi'&. She s'id .es!s. IF, &ot re'dy to =rite '"o!t this. It is ' =hole +!t!re "oo$. Is this the 7ysti)'l 0ody o+ Christ> Is it the Co,,!&io& o+ S'i&ts> Is it =h't .es!s ,e'&t =he& he 'ddressed the ;&e he )'lled %'ther> 8Th't they 'll ,'y "e o&eI 's tho!( %'ther( 'rt i& ,e( '&d I i& thee( th't they 'lso ,'y "e o&e i& !s: th't the =orld ,'y "elieve th't tho! h'st se&t ,e. A&d the glory =hi)h tho! g'vest ,e I h've give& the,I th't they ,'y "e o&e( eve& 's =e 're o&e: I i& the,( '&d tho! i& ,e( th't they ,'y "e ,'de per+e)t i& o&e.: K.oh& 1C:4114BL. This is the ;&e Eter&'l 0ei&g. This is the ;&e %!lly EDiste&t. This is the ;&e re,'i&i&g =he& the sh'do= o+ ego is dispelled( =he& eve& sel+ is distilled i&to the Eter&'l Esse&)e. The ;&e =itho!t sep'r'tio&I the ;&e =ith ,'&y &',es "!t &ever divided. A&d =he& 'll the &',es h've ev'por'ted ? 0yro&( Christi&( S'&dr'( S',( D'vid( C'rol( 7'ry( RoD'&&( Ross( 0o""y( '!l( Sh'ro&( 7'rio&( 0o" ? th't ;&e Is. 8The ti,e +or sy,"ols is over( is&Ft it 0yro&>: 8Yes. Re'lity is &o=. 0e Th't th't yo! 're. Re'lity is prior to I A,. To thi&$ '&d the& to s'y 8I: is to ,ove i&to ' =orld o+ sy,"ols.: 413 8All "ody( 'll e'rth( 'll l'&g!'ge ,oves !s o!t +ro, <od(: 8Yes. Eve& to s'y F<odF is the ,ove,e&t '='y.: 8So I =rite. I spe'$. 0!t itFs ' p'r'doD( is&Ft it K0yro&L> I try to +i&d =ords +or =h't is prior to I A,( '&d there 're &o =ords +or th't. 8There 're &o =ords. I( =e live.: 0yro& l'!ghs. 8#e think we lie.2 8I love yo!( 0yro&.: 8I love yo! too( ho&ey(: she p'!ses ,o,e&t'rily( 8A&d ho&ey( thereFs o&e ,ore thi&g. I t'l$ed to D'vid. His )'&)er is )o,pletely go&e.: 8<o&e>: 8Yes. D'vidFs he'led. HeFs o!t i& the desert )olle)ti&g )')t!s( 'll $i&d o+ )')t!s( preservi&g those pl'&ts th't 're i& d'&ger o+ "e)o,i&g eDti&)t. D'vidFs o!t there he'li&g the e'rth. #e )'ll hi, the )')t!s ,'&.: I ='&t to sho!t( to si&g( to )ry '& Allel!i'J There 're &e= )ries e)hoi&g thro!gh the desert &o=( '&d they 're )ries o+ li+e. 8HeFs )re'ti&g li+e(: I s'y to her. 8He is the 9i+e.: I p!t the telepho&e o& its re)eiver. I ', =r'pped i& ,ystery li$e ' )lo'$. The h'&d o+ <od )overs this glory. I go "')$ to ,y )o,p!ter. This "oo$ =ill &ever "e +i&ished. I h've G!st "eg!&. 411 A CRY IN THE DESERT %;;TN;TES 1. Soi$! Shige,'ts!( tr'&s.( A 9en :orest; +ayings of the )asters KNe= Yor$: #e'therhill( 1994L( 2C. 2. 0yro& -'tie Rolle( The %oe %etter < KSept.1;)t. 1995L. 3. Neil Do!gl's1-lotH( 5rayers of the (osmos )editations on the Aramaic ,ords of 0esus KS'& %r'&)is)o: H'rper S'& %r'&)is)o( 1995L. 4. I th'&$ 0er&'dette Ro"erts +or this eDpressio&. Her =ords there is no end of 1od$ sti,!l'te ' stro&g respo&se. 414 A0;6T THE A6TH;R Christi& 9ore #e"er is '& eDperie&)ed '!thor( religio!s ed!)'tor( spirit!'l g!ide( '&d le)t!rer. D!ri&g +o!rtee& ye'rs 's ' Ro,'& C'tholi) &!&( she gro!&ded hersel+ i& spirit!'l pr')ti)e( =hi)h she e&h'&)ed o!tside o+ )o&ve&t li+e =ith ' 7'ster o+ Arts degree i& theology '&d l'ter ' Do)tor o+ 7i&istry degree i& religio& '&d psy)hology. She h's t'!ght liter't!re( dr','( '&d religio!s st!dies( served 's dire)tor o+ p'stor'l )'re 't ' reside&ti'l tre't,e&t )e&ter +or e,otio&'lly dist!r"ed )hildre& '&d 'doles)e&ts i& 7i&&esot'( '&d ='s dire)tor o+ #isdo, Ho!se E'st( ' )e&ter +or spirit!'lity '&d )re'tivity i& St. '!l( 7i&&esot'. Her =riti&g )'reer "eg'& i& 192B =ith the p!"li)'tio& o+ her +irst "oo$( (aring (ommunity K9oyol' 6&iversity ressL. Her s!"se*!e&t "oo$s i&)l!de ,oman (hrist; A New =ision of :eminist +"irituality K192C( H'rper S'& %r'&)is)oL( Blessings; A ,oman (hrist 7eflection on the Beatitudes K1929( H'rper S'& %r'&)is)oL( A (ircle of )ysteries; The ,omen's 7osary Book K199A( Yes I&ter&'tio&'l !"lishersL( :inding +tone; A >uiet 5arable and +oul ,ork )editation K1996( 9!r'7edi'L. She '&d her h!s"'&d( .oh&( live i& the ')i+i) North=est. 41B A CRY IN THE DESERT READER RE%ERENCES ;THER 0;;-S 0Y CHRISTIN 9;RE #E0ER (ircle of )ysteries; The ,omen's 7osary Book YES I&ter&'tio&'l !"lishers 1B1C S!,,it Ave&!e S'i&t '!l( 7N. AA13A 112311266146C4 :inding +tone; A >uiet 5arable and +oul ,ork )editation I&&is+ree ress hil'delphi'( A 112331B6C1A2C4 To p!r)h'se o&e o+ these "oo$s )o&t')t yo!r lo)'l "oo$store or =rite or )'ll the p!"lisher. ?This information is likely out of date.@ 415 The #or$ o+ 0yro& -'tie ,'y "e the ,ost pro+o!&d eDperie&)e yo! =ill ever step i&to. 0yro& -'tie tr'vels the =orld "y i&vit'tio& o&ly. She t'$es The #or$ i&to s)hool syste,s( )h!r)hes( )orpor'1 tio&s( priso&s hospit'ls '&d ho!seholds. Yo! ,'y 'lso eDperie&)e her o& r'dio( televisio& '&d the =orld =ide =e". To those =ho $&o= her( she is the eDperie&)e o+ !&)o&ditio&'l love ? ' +rie&d. The #or$ %o!&d'tio&( I&). is +!&ded "y do&'tio&. %or i&+or,'tio&: ===.the=or$.)o, ===."yro&$'tie.)o, 4